Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2007:

It's that time of year they call "Sweeps."

TV seeks to add viewing peeps.

But ain't it a pity

they don't write less shitty

all year--aim for viewers for keeps?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2007:

Headline:

"Photographer Imagining Mexico City in the Nude"

That's news? Pfft. We imagine Chicago nude every day!

Well, HALF of it.

Well... Maybe a quarter?

Well, a significant portion, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2007:

Try as I might to look away

she's somewhere new every damn day!

In med'ya, side thorn

so, unless it's porn,

I don't want to see Rachel Ray!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2007:

The reversing of a 40-year-old trend of decreasing tooth decay in youngsters is partially attributed to the consumption of bottled water, as opposed to fluoridated, tap water.

Thus, buying bottled water is now (finally?) not only buying-sand-in-a-desert stupid--but dangerous!

Finally, a chink in the armor of the Greatest Marketing Scam in History...

We happened upon one of those chickie celebrity ass-licking magazines lately and, therein, doctors and whatchamajig experts were checking in, again, on celebrity chick bodies.

As an example one said that Mary-Kate Olsen, or was it Ashley?... Who the hell cares: Anyway, on doc said she "looked like a stick figure."

The ultimate authority begs to differ, however--that being the Penis-O-Meter...

Speaking of Olsens, new Bears draft pick Greg Olsen reportedly made a rap recording at some point that's being dubbed "disrespectful of women."

We saw some lyric excerpts and... So, wanting to have sex with women is "disrespectful"? Well, as long as Bush is goin' retro on the Civil Rights, why shouldn't feminism go back a few decades, too?...

...Aw, kidding. We think. We haven't listened to the tune ourselves and really don't know. Can't be bothered.

Sure, we're technically a news organization and all, but we'll leave it to someone else to analyze that "disrespectful" angle.

We do, however, hope this is a Wake-Up Call of a different sort:

For athletes to STOP RECORDING RAP SONGS!...

First of all, modern protests, organized and officially permitted ahead of time, are easy for those in power to ignore--which is what they do.

Secondly... Well, we were strolling downtown Chicago yesterday and are were waylaid for at least 20 minutes because we couldn't cross the street because of the immigrants' rights march.

Now, I'm supportive of this cause and the delay didn't change that.

But if I were a fence-sitter on the cause... I'd probably call my congressman and demand an illegal immigration crackdown...

Yesterday was Law Day.

We neglected to mention it. Hell, we neglected to KNOW about it.

But it's over. So you can go back to ignoring 'em...

From a "Help Wanted" ad:

"Packer, Hanover Park"

We knew Green Bay was pretty awful last year but... Seems a rather desperate way of finding football players to us...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/2/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: I'll Give You "Food Insanity"

Okay, yeah yeah yeah--we as a society tent to shovel in the show. But that wouldn't be so much of a problem if we weren't couch potatoes and... Well, THIS is the type of quote that just pissed me the hell off (from a media pundit who will remain unnamed):

"[I] reject society's foodie nature. I don't try to make every meal delicious."

Yeah. The problem arises when food is good, pal.

And, oh... We won't even get started on "foodie nature." Food is our friend.

The guy probably wouldn't have that smack addiction either if it weren't QUITE so intoxicating--if they'd only make "heroin light"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2007:

The problem with protests today,

with permits and sanctioned forays:

Ignored by those in pow'r

while fence-sitters turn sour--

encount'ring mess, lean OTHER way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2007:

We want to be outraged.

Really.

It seems everywhere you turn, somebody, or some group, is outraged over something or other. And we feel we're missing out. On the outside looking in. That type of thing.

Any ideas on where we'd start?...

Melina's Fine Mexican Restaurant in Brigham City, Utah, was robbed of all its cash--and so is offering a reward of 500 tacos to anyone with information on the crime.

Hmm...

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is taking the rest of the day off to make travel plans...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2007:

Seems bottled water is no friend of the

young children's teeth, new and so tender-a:

It's not fluoridated--

Great Scam--now deflated?

Guess sheep can still use them for enemas!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2007:

A little "Behind the Limerick" info on today's entry is in order.

At a live show I emceed recently (Chief Limericist checking in, here), in Chicago (where the famed Daily Limerick Towers are located), one of the prizes given away was an enema.

So I was challenged to include one.

Hmm. That's kinda cool. It's not every day I have an actual EXCUSE for a crappy entry...

Former New Jersey governor James McGreevey, now openly gay, has reportedly been accepted in to an Episcopalian seminary.

Is that a typo in the press we saw? Was that supposed to be "semen-ary"?...

Insight into the Mind of the Politician:

Deborah Sims, a Cook County Commissioner (Cook County encompasses Chicago and, believe it or not, has a government even MORE corrupt and worthless than the city's), was musing publicly about how inept the whole board is lately--especially as it concerns the fact that meetings are broadcast locally on cable access TV.

Her solution? "We take it off TV until everyone learns how to behave."

Brilliant. Stop keeping such a close eye on politicians and they'll improve. Uh-huh...

So Joan Baez is belly-achin' that she "does not know" why she wasn't allowed to perform for soldiers at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Now, we admire Joan and her music and all but... You don't see Daily Limerick tryin' to book teen abstinence gigs and moanin' about being shunned...

Steve Capers of the cultural terrorist group...er, of the stand-up comedy presenters Knock-Knock Productions is now asking (forcing?) the group's comedians to avoid the "N-," "B-" and "H" words.

Stand-up comedy (now more truthfully stand-up "comedy") has historically been a refuge from the political correctness of...well, pretty much everything else.

So now it's official: Stand-up comedy has NOTHING going for it anymore...

In a TV talk show roundup feature, saw a reference to "impressionist Joe Piscopo."

Well, we guess he DID impersonate a comedian in his early career...

Stemming from rumors of possible alcohol involvement in the post-game auto death of St. Louis Cardinal Josh Hancock, there's talk of Major League Baseball banning beer in all team clubhouses, post-game.

Remember: Personal responsibility is SOOO last century...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOURIST ADVISORY 5/4/2007:

Don't visit Chicago anytime soon.

They're working on our (in)famous elevated train lines until something ridiculous, like 2009. Oh, and to complement the Molasses Express trains, they've screwed up the buses extra special, too!

It's hell. Don't bother.

Go somewhere with a transit system embodying far more modernity. Perhaps, say, Thailand. Rickshaws are much speedier...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/4/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Satellite Picture Show

We're talking good rockin'! Some might say '70s-style rockin'... But not stuck in the past. Its own thing. Kind like the Black Crowes...if the Black Crowes were good.

Someone else at the show I attended suggested they sounded a bit like Humble Pie.

I'd say raspberry pie.

Mmm. Raspberry pie... Anyway:

www.thesatellitepictureshow.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2007:

O'er feet, fetishist blew a gasket.

Thought, "How to put toes to the task?... If

she curls 'em around

my dink, goes up, down...

Why yes! I'll get off on 'Shrimp Basket'!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2007:

In emceeing live music/variety shows around the city (Chief Limericist checking in, here), and doing audience-interactive stuff... Well, it's fairly common for a fine young lady to get a bit fresh with me.

Onstage.

And after... Well, let's just say I've come up with a new term, in all-too-common usage right now: The Sloop Tease.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2007:

The world's cracking down on "N-Word."

Which naturally, is lame, absurd:

Poke shock jocks and comics--

it's hip as colonics

in P.C.--real probs undeterred!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2007:

Headline:

"Global Warming: U.N. Panel Offers Comprehensive Plan for Change"

Wow. You KNOW something is a serious issue when the U.N. jumps in to do nothing about it!...

Activists in Austria are seeking to grant basic human rights to apes.

Why not? Unless, of course, they become smokers...

So, it's off to prison for Paris Hilton.

Funny, but we have the feeling that a lot of, er, "movies" have just launched inside a whole lotta guys' heads...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/6/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Er, um...well, you see...

Sunday story time was completed. And it's a good one. But, well... It was typed on another computer, e-mailed to my laptop and then accidentally killed. So it has to be re-e-mailed and... Oh, it's a complicated, unexciting story.

So Sunday Story Time has a flat tire. It will return next week to its regularly scheduled location.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/6/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: This need this morning

 

I'm cupping a green-gold light in my hands

and it's moving, it's watery.

It might be an illusion, or a memory

suspended in preserving liquid,

something disguised as a new thing

or something long dead that still pings.

It might mean nothing. It might not be real,

this need this morning, this urge to know.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2007:

So Baseball may ban clubhouse drinking

since Josh Hancock died in a blinking.

See, fault's MLB's!

Self 'spons'bility?

Soo last cent'ry--what are you thinking?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2007:

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as four or five drinks within a two-hour period. We guess "going on a bender" thus entails an extended drinking fit of four hours plus--but our sheep-like media nonetheless buys it hook, line and sphincter, spitting out headlines like this:

"Binge Drinking Without Knowing It?"

All the better for the Big Recovery Industry to diagnose you, mhhhooo ha ha ha!...

Headline:

"Job Hunters Give Video a Go"

No chance this trend will spur an uptake in hiring based on "chasing 'round the water cooler-ability." No, sir...

A "Nancy Drew" movie is planned for Summer 2007.

You know. The girl detective. Wholesome, like the mid-1900's that spawned her.

In the flick, she'll ditch her fictional town of River Heights for Hollywood.

Nothing can capture the tone of the original books, of course, like Botox and Vicodin can.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/7/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Stiff Upper Lip Haiku

 

Understand that you

Buried your wife this morning?

Had to. Dead, y'know

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2007:

Though civic'lly, feel I'm engaged...

Are my feelings kept in a cage?

I'm failing the test;

feel unlike the rest--

o'er something, wish I were "outraged"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2007:

Headline accompanied by a photo of Lindsay Lohan:

"Back to Rehab?"

The Addiction "Treatment Industry's" Rehab Farm--So helpful, you'll just keep coming back!...

On a related "Everybody's a Victim" note, we were reading some analysis of legalized gambling recently and learned that it "preys" on those with lower income.

Which explains the human-sized, anthropomorphic dice, card deck and slot machine we saw in an alley earlier, bearing clubs, knives and brass knuckles while leering at us in a menacing manner...

A three-year-old girl in New Hyde Park, New York was prone to random and inexplicable laughing fits. Her parents took her to the doctor and they discovered that she suffered from an extremely rare condition caused by a brain tumor.

We fear this disorder is not so rare at all. And while we urge its viewers to see a doctor immediately, this may explain "Life According to Jim" still being on the air...

Speaking still of this sort of thing... Headline, out of Brazil:

"Employer Blamed for Beer Tester's Alcoholism"

So... Aw, fuck it. While we revel in ripping society's Moron Majority, sometimes it's gets to be too much. Must...regain...hope for...human race...

A Naperville, Ill. woman charged with stabbing her husband claims it happened because he was eating food off of her plate.

I have to say that's a helluva extenuating circumstance--somebody swiping your food. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) Why, most of the few fights I've been in over my life started over someone stealing milk, French fries, etc. in the school lunchroom.

Now, I used fisticuffs instead of a steak knife. But in her case, unlike mine, she does have the all-too-predictable qualifier: "alcohol-related"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2007:

Four, five drinks is now what's "binge drinking."

(That Disneyfied World fish is stinking!)

Drink sizes don't match lab

so it seems Big Rehab

says you do it--e'en without thinking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2007:

Headline:

"Purdue Gets 1st Woman President"

A historic happening! We applaud with vigor and have much to say about it but... We're just entering barbecue season--and that header's curiously got us thinkin' "chicken!"...

Headline:

"What's Wrong With Brit's Baby?"

Well, for starters, there's her mother's DNA...

Speaking of celebrities in search of careers, here's a Paris Hilton quote, regarding her recent prison sentence:

"I think I get in more trouble because of who I am."

Yes--when you're a talentless, stuck-up, cum-bucket asswipe who thinks the rules of "normal" people don't apply to you, you DO get in trouble exactly because of "who you are"...

An upcoming documentary, "America the Beautiful," puts the spotlight on the world of modeling, centering on a based-on-true-life tale of a tween model whom the business caused to "nearly have a nervous breakdown" because agencies told her she was "too fat."

Boo hoo and all but... Isn't being ridiculously, near impossibly smokin' hot a bona fide occupational qualification of living off your looks and only your looks? You don't catch our Chief Limericist taking accounting positions and making whiny documentaries alleging that the industry discriminates against the "numerically challenged"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/9/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Foodhism Facts

Previously in this space, or somewhere within a DL edition, we've mentioned our religious beliefs: Foodhism.

We thought we'd assemble a few facts on the creed for you.

While, like every religion, it is accepted that few practitioners will be perfect in their representations of faith, a Foodhist must be more than an omnivore. You see, "omnivore" implies that a creature eats certain meats and certain vegetables, grains etc. But Foodhism's "panivore" implies... Well, "If it's edible, pass it this way."

Beyond categories of edible matter, under human classification a Foodhist should follow no order of class. That is, one should learn to enjoy the likes of, say, white truffles, caviar and pate right down to the unquestionable delicacy of the Hot Pocket, convenience store sub sandwich or cheapo ramen noodle packet (alone or souped-up with, say, canned, tiny shrimp).

A Foodhist meditates not with "Ohmmm..." A Foodhist meditates with "Mmmm..."

A Foodhist should know how to cook, especially if not wealthy. There is no reason to eat lousy food, or lack in its variety, when cooking is in fact much cheaper than eating out, fairly simple when one gets the hang of it--and a celebration of our beloved food! The highest of all art forms!

Cooking is one of those things not absolutely necessary of Foodhism practitioners--but required of our Foodhist priests.

(Foodhist priests?) Well, now that some cheezy metal song is about to take over my head, we'll close this chapter of Foodhism 101--but will likely revisit the topic in the future...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2007:

If Paris, book judge did not throw at--

community service gave go at--

I guess she'd just blow

some guys who are po'

(the best guess for what she's a "pro" at).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2007:

Six, young, male militant Muslims were foiled in their plot to attack soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. It seems they had a videotape of them playing jihad, which they wanted converted to DVD, and so they took it to a run-of-the-mill store clerk.

Who, understandably alarmed, turned them in.

We guess it's about time for our semi-regular, glint-of-hope reminder:

Although the terrorists and their plots are certainly frightening, we can take some comfort in knowing that the, er, philosophies these types follow have a tendency to attract few mental giants...

For baseball fans in Chicago, where the famed Daily Limerick Towers are located, things are bleak, with both the Cubs and the Sox having records of around .500.

And yet, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, realize this:

If your team were a BASKETBALL team, .500 would make them playoff material!...

(We're just full of hope and joy today)...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/10/2007:

This porcupine checks in about yesterday's "Eat It!" section, which focused on my Foodhism religion (Chief Limericist checking in, here):

> Your religion intrigues me. And with memorial day coming up, what better way to

> celebrate than cockle-warming chicken?

Ah, yes. I am known far and wide for my bird. Marinated and barbecued, fried or, in this case, my invented-on-the-West-Coast honey jalopeno chicken, which was described by many as "warming the cockles of the colon," later shortened to "colon cockling."

In generally speaking of my bird, I try to keep the exposition as light as possible and go simply with "colon cockling."

There's a business card line crying out here--and a true one, at that: "Sloop Biederman. Once he's cockled your colon, you'll never forget it"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2007:

They say gambling on the poor "preys,"

but I wasn't sure in what way

'till I saw a walking

gi'nt slot machine stalking

some po' folks just the other day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2007:

O.J. Simpson's lawyer is calling it "racist" how O.J. has been booted from a Knoxville restaurant, although the owner claims it to be because of the publicity O.J.'s visits attract.

"Racist"? Pfft. But at the risk of launching a new front for the religion of Political Correctivism... It's admittedly "murdererist"...

A movement is afoot to make yoga an Olympic event.

It is only on extremely rare occasion that our Chief Limericist brings up the fact that he practices yoga as his exercise of choice. Wonder why?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/11/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Tale of Two '80s Metal Bands

Okay, with the Dickensian title out of the way, we'll proceed to descend into dreckerature!

History is not always fair. Even semi-recent pop cultural history.

Throughout my life, I've lived under the assumption that I could be famous--and that the fame might not be realized until after my death. (This assumption, however wild, has saved my self-esteem.) The likes of Bach...Poe wasn't exactly rolling in riches on his death...etc. That is, I've operated under an expectation of eventual justice--cheezy bestsellers of today will be in bargain bins in five years while some great, shunned authors will have college classes dedicated to them.

Likewise, I expected this to occur of the '80s culture I lived through as a teen. We'd never hear about Poison again but Iron Maiden and similar bands would rise to the top of our '80s, retro consciousness.

I was SOMEWHAT right. On SOME counts. I see some Maiden shirts around and know a lot of musicians are into them, for instance.

But Bon Jovi eclipsing Van Halen? BON JOVI? Some of the crappiest music, lyrics, you-name-it, joined with a half-octave-range singer--a band who would have never been heard from were jon himself not considered attractive and the band happening to come around during the MTV age?

Now, when I speak of Van Halen, I speak of David Lee Roth Van Halen. I don't see any need to elaborate beyond that.

Let's take two songs, with the same title, by the respective bands as an example: "Dead or Alive."

Bon Jovi's: Really...doesn't make much sense. A "cowboy," he claims to be. Riding a "steel horse"--oh so clever term for "tour bus." Whatever commonalities Jon has to a cowboy are not identified. Also, how he's wanted "dead or alive." Admittedly, a lot of chicks want him alive. But, other than a few psychotics with good taste in music, I don't recall much desire to see him dead. Not to mention that the song, belying the band behind it, takes itself WAY too seriously. Oh, and Ritchie Sambora is merely a passable guitar player.

Van Halen: Off the bat, Eddie van Halen indisputably guitars the shit out of Sambora. And this song embodies Van Halen--arguably "pop metal," but not so dumbed-down to be nonsensical and taking itself ANYTHING but seriously. Oh, and the lyrics make SENSE. I don't expect Walt Whitman in my pop metal, but don't think coherence is too much to ask. That being said, the lyrics are, if accidentally, brilliant. "We were sitting ducks for the policeman/ They found a dirty-faced kid in a garbage can." It's never quite explained how said kid ended up in the garbage can, or dirty-faced, for that matter. But the imagery tells a story on its own, detailed with help of the listener's imagination. Bonus points because it's a legitimately FUNNY tune.

Well, there you go. No need to apologize if I sent the latter "Dead or Alive" into your mental jukebox, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2007:

Though age of long lives is upon us

most of us are sure not Adonis!

Viagra? Cialis?--

Too many a phallus

could be dubbed a "doubting John Thomas"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2007:

Once, when I was a mere shaver--Chief Limericist checking in on a Cheezy Saturday, here--I asked my dad, "What's a good college to get into if you want to be a comedian?"

My dad said, "I don't know--WHAT college DOES someone go to if they want to be a comedian?"

It was a serious question.

Ahem.

Like I said, Cheezy Saturday and all...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2007:

Would-be terrorists who were eyein'

a strike on Fort Dix bring bright tie-in:

Gave clerk video

of training, which shows

our foes are sure not mental giants!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2007:

Apparently... Oh, one of the future trivia question answers on "American Idol" is a big anti-abortion activist and like-minded, hobby-challenged folks are voting for her en masse.

Funny how hypocritical such "Christians" can be. Doesn't not only watching--but actually PARTICIPATING IN--the show literally qualify as "worshipping false idols"?...

So, whaddaya know? A local what's-his-face is found guilty of murder in a case that puzzled investigators for more than a decade (we won't name him and throw him any more infamy than he's already raking in)... Anyway, his wife's pictured in our newspaper and... Guess what?

She's smokin' hot.

Evil, ass bastard murderer. Regularly boinkin' primo babeage.

But, lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, all men are assholes, right? It's not that you're attracted to them or anything...

Opening quote from a crime story that's really all you need to know:

"A married couple, both lawyers..."...

There are special driving tests just for big city, public bus drivers, right? Stuff like, oh, "Don't Miss the Potholes," "Hit the Brakes at the Last Possible Nanosecond" and "How Many Standing Passengers Can You Knock Down?"...

So it appears that Illinois is the latest state to climb aboard the Big Mother Bandwagon, banning smoking most everywhere, including those health havens known as "bars," citing secondhand science and a patchwork of laws (screw what the people want and make it state-wide, since otherwise smokers will be zooming from county to county)... But many questions are raised for such an endeavor.

Such as... What about smoking in plays? Or the filming of movies? Or in tobacco shops? Or in home offices?

In general, people have a filter in their head that tags an idea, even when much effort has been made and intentions are good, as Swiss-cheese-full-of-hooles and so ludicrous that backtracking is in order.

However, the new historical trend, occurring generally turn-of-the-century-ish, is to ignore this filter about the time society gets prohibition-y...

When you've had a lot of cultural crap on your plate--Chief Limericist checking in, here--like poetry things and gallery openings and what have you, sometimes you reach a point where you decide... I just want to take a cheap, trashy stripper to a monster truck rally or something...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/13/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My First Kiss

Oh, was it romantic.

There was this girl who lived across the street from me as a shaver. Pretty, blonde, all that. We played together almost all of the time and, as a young future Limericist freak, the tweakings of what I'd one day know as "sexuality" were awakened by her.

We engaged in typical kids' stuff, I suppose. I recall us playing a game called "Pirates." We'd play this plastic record on this kids' record player--I believe the tune was a theme from the Disney "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride: "Yo, ho, ho, ho, a pirate's life for me!"--and the boys would chase the girls, tie them up and... Not knowing exactly what to do with a (willingly) tied-up chick at the time, would tickle them, especially their feet.

We won't discuss the later-day ramifications of this behavior at this time.

A desire toward her built gradually, until it reached a point where it felt I couldn't contain it any longer. (This would one day become known as near-everyday frustration, aka "artistic inspiration.") I felt compelled to do SOMETHING to her and the only "something" I could figure at the time was to kiss her.

A budding romantic, I waited. And waited. And waited--for the "right" moment. Me and her alone in some peaceful, relaxed setting. After perhaps an especially satisfying play session. Whatever.

But I grew tired of waiting and, one day, in front of a friend of hers and amid an action-packed play session, leapt threw the air, landed on top of her, planted one on her--and ran home.

Now this girl's mother called mine a bit later and "told" on me. I was teased. But the real kicker didn't come until a bit later still when I learned... Well, I found out that, er... Ahem:

She was a second cousin to me.

Now, genetically and legally speaking and all that, a second cousin is just as good as a complete stranger on the whole DNA likeness-o-meter. But the revelation freaked me out quite a bit. I knew that we called her and her brother "cousins" and that we called her parents "aunt" and "uncle," but I guess I thought that was a nickname-y kinda thing, as they lived so close and all.

Nothing MORE than the kiss ever happened between me and my second cousin, you know. I was only an "accidental sicko"--and a rather mild one, at that. We haven't stayed close beyond childhood, but when we do run into each other, it's a normal encounter and all.

I've often wondered if this early event has something to do with the fact that I've never been with a blonde since--dated, kissed, ahem'd... And I've had various liaisons with most every race of woman and every other hair color. They've pretty much all been nuts, sure, but otherwise my dating history's a textbook o' diversity. Otherwise... Well:

We won't discuss the later-day ramifications of my first kiss involving my second cousin at this time.

I told you I grew up in The Boonies...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/13/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Balled up paper

 

There are wings in the trashbasket

and wings on the wind,

and wind in the words in the woods.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/13/2007:

Here's 1 & 1/2 cents on our Friday "Entertain Yourself!" musings on Van Halen, with David Lee Roth of course, kicking Bon Jovi's ass, if you're up for comparing '80s metal and such, anyway...which also went into...oh, see the archives, nutmunchers!

Anyway:

> I'm with you on the Diamond Dave VH years. But word on the street is Bon Jovi's

> seen a million faces, and he's rocked them all.

Valid point. Whenever we go to see a band, we don't care about our asses, or our nuts, or our souls, or our ears for that matter... We just pump myself up sayin', "That band is gonna rock our...face!"

Ahem.

Well, whaddaya want from us, really?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2007:

Born to be introspective bent

dolts now push for 'Lympic event

of...yoga? Damn hipsters!

But, two match, so twister'd

beyond their orig'nal intent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2007:

Our Sunday newspaper carried an advertisement for Ice Mountain proclaiming:

"Home Delivery of the Water You Love From About $1 a Day"

But Wait! There's more:

"Free Use! Hot & Cold Dispenser"

Wow. I must be living in one of those space-aged, home-of-the-future things. I have water ALREADY delivered, without paying an extra $1 (about) a day I might add, through this thing called a "public water system."

I even have these new fangled "hot & cold dispenser" devices in MULTIPLE locations throughout my place, which happen to be called "faucets"...

There was a story in our newspaper yesterday about a man who proposed to his girl at Wrigley Field.

You know, where the Chicago Cubs play.

Why on earth would?... What could he be?... Ohhh.

A reverse fate psychology kinda thing, evidently. Figuring, if they can even get to the altar after conceiving their marriage in such a Hallowed Hall of Failure, their relationship can make it through ANYTHING...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/14/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: King Mel Haiku

 

When you're down and out

Lift up your head and shout, "It's

Good to be the King!"

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2007:

So Tinseltown does Nancy Drew!

And moves her off to L.A., too!

They'll give her a slut's prance,

some Botox and implants

before, with the franchise, they're through!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2007:

Nudist groups are attempting all sorts of promotions geared at young people because, according to the American Association for Nude Recreation, 90 percent of its 50,000 members are older than 35.

When you consider the plumping of our nation, which only appears to be accelerating... Well, take THAT!--All you media consumers bitchin' and moanin' that there never seems to be any "good" news...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/15/2007:

In response to yesterday's Limerick...we think...or something in yesterday's edition, we get this:

> Oh, so lyrical.

Satirical...we think.

But we'll take it. As they say, letters are like handjobs... Hmm.

Actually, they're not like handjobs a'tall. See, we'd take a LETTER from any of you Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards, but as far as a handjob is concerned... Hmm.

Well, we'll take the letter and leave it at that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2007:

The owner of an eatery

banned O.J., whose lawyer said the

ban made guy a "racist."

Don't think so, but face it--

a "murderer-ist," he may be.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2007:

Ad copy:

"Windows: Buy 10 Double Hung for $849!"

Er... What if you're hung just slightly more than average?...

So...Chief Limericist checking in, here...my birthday's coming up this weekend (May 19), and the first card, or any form of well-wishing, to roll-in comes from:

My ex-mother-in-law.

Don't you have to actively TRY--and try hard--to end up with a life this weird?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/16/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Tip for Burger King's $1 Menu

Burger King has a helluva $1 menu. Quite a variety. But one can get carried away over such things, so I thought I'd toss Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers a tip. (By the way, we're resisting the use of their wannabe hip moniker, simply "BK.")

To the uninitiated--and out of the Big Three fast food burger joints, my visits to Burger King are the least frequent--for instance, two Junior Whoppers would seem to be able to fill you up. Okay, you wouldn't expect them to COMPLETELY fill your gut but, like Wendy's Double Stacks, you'd guess they'd save your hunger off adequately.

Wrong-o.

In fact, the nugget of wisdom we can pass down regarding Burger King's $1 Menu is: When in doubt, order more.

A small onion ring, for instance, is very, very small...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/16/2007:

This wahoo had something to say about handjobs. Which, oddly enough, were mentioned in response to a letter yesterday:

> Hiya Mr. Sloop. Hand Jobs, Yummy When They End up on the tummy

>

> Thought you might enjoy this one. Edward

Then, he launches into a joke:

> A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and

> sees a sign hanging over the bar:

>

> CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

> HAND-JOB: $10.00

>

> Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and

> beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks.

>

> "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

>

> "I was wondering," whispers the biker, "Are you the young lady who gives the

> hand-jobs?"

>

> "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

>

> The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

As a way of tying all parts of today's edition together... Curiously, we've yet to see a handjob on an extra value menu...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2007:

Now bus drivers, working big towns,

are tested, I'm sure, to the ground.

Guess tests are entailing:

hit potholes, unfailing

and brake/start to knock max folks down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2007:

Headline example of the type of news that might prompt Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' to launch 'round-the-clock, on-the-scene coverage:

"Taxpayers owe $4,100 for Slip on Banana Peel"

So it seems... Well then.

Perhaps not in this case. We're not sure what we can add...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2007:

Another murd'rer, news does dole,

has hot-ass wife--pic stoked my pole!

More proof: Chicks shun nice guys;

let jerks between their thighs

then bitch, moan, "All men are assholes!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2007:

Hit the Post Office today.

Typical hell. Waited 30 minutes. Watched two employees take their sweet time to handle DOWNTOWN CHICAGO business AROUND 9 A.M. on a THURSDAY MORNING... Ugh.

That was nothing out of the ordinary.

However, we did notice a curious smell permeating the place. It took me a while to identify it but, eventually... Well, Pez.

Pez candy.

A waft of Pez scent, as if a giant Pez Dispenser had exploded or something.

We're not sure how or why. Guessing....perhaps a deterrent to "going postal"?

Which is good, I suppose.

Now they just need to work on an antidote to "going incompetent."

And we have a helluva craving for Pez...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/18/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude, for those not in the know, is a German word, which more or less means "laughter at the expense of others' misfortune."

Now, there's a delightful sketch comedy group out of Chicago, with a Web presence, by that name, and while they're, as I said, delightful, I'm not focusing on them today.

I'm focusing on the real deal.

The idea came to me because this is my birthday week and I happened to get a call for my ex-wife the other day. A rare occurrence, but it goes down from time to time. They identified her by my last name, thus actually identifying a person who no longer exists (she's went back to her maiden name), and, of course, it was an annoyance, but I went beyond the call, as I usually do, and e-mailed my Ex- the caller's info, including a phone number and the fact that it "concerned a personal business matter."

Haven't heard back from Ex-y, which is curious. A few days before the call I just described, there was another--from a job headhunter service. In passing that info along via e-mail, I did the socially responsible, "So how've you been--pass me a line" thing.

Again, no word from her.

Well, the "personal business matter" caller has kept calling. And calling. Messages, caller IDings. Upon answering again once, I found out it regards a Visa card. (Evidently, one she/we obtained while married, for which she hasn't bothered to update her name and contact info.)

All this proves telling as to Ex-y's current situation.

I never went into too much detail on her, even when we were married, here in DL/S&Y, and I'll continue that courtesy now--so let's just say she's a big spendy pants. Made about three times what I did when we were married--and racked up so much credit card debt anyway that, first, we had my parents co-sign on a loan to pay 'em all off and THEN... Well, I was stuck with almost $30,000 of EVEN MORE credit card debt in the divorce--and that was a mere portion.

NOW she makes about four times what I do and... Well, credit cards are calling for her. And she's not answering my e-mail. Curious, as she usually has plenty to say when she has stuff to brag about.

So... Schadenfreude.

I'm the "nice guy" type (much to the chagrin of my sex life). So I do feel a bit guilty over it.

But, again, my birthday's coming up and... Schadenfreude.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2007:

For birthday gift, I could sure handle

a babe in skirt and strappy sandals...

And, after grilled steaks,

when comes birthday cake

more gets blown out than just the candles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2007:

It's my birthday!

(Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

And it delightfully coincides with Cheezy Saturday edition this year, which hasn't happened since 2000, which was actually the first birthday I had since starting Daily Limerick, and Cheezy Saturdays weren't instituted at that point, so... I really shouldn't be writing anything, should I?...

I will, however, throw out this reminder:

There's often Truth in Limerick...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2007:

When Paris goes off to the clink--

no shopping nor fru-fru-ass drinks--

if they'd film THAT scene

for "real" TV'n

why, we just might watch it--we think.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2007:

Although yesterday was my birthday (Chief Limericist checked in, here), THIS was the edition to be penned ON my birthday, so... This is all you get, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--screwtoads, every last one of ya'...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/20/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sod Off!

Sunday Story Time is recovering from (at the very least, let's hope), dinner and a handjob...so it will return to its regularly scheduled slot next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/20/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Skittish cat

 

Heart's-ease and cowslip grow

in an alley lined with trashcans.

A skittish cat hiding behind one

peers out when the noises slow

and the light fades. He saunters

a few feet out, exposed,

and cleans himself as cats do:

opening his mouth wide, tongue out,

licking his fur with a sort of shrug

to the world. Completing the action,

he shakes his head

and wanders out from his home.

Moving past an ancient chainlink fence

that shivers in the breeze.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/20/2007:

> Happy Bithday John,

>

> I hope its a blowout...

>

> Fast Eddy

This, of course, did come in on my, er, bithday. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) In fact, it's my, um, bithday as I type this. Not to disturb any Slapper Yapper Grasshopper delusions of instantaneousness or whatever for Daily Limerick...but you know how that works.

A bithday, of course, is different in many ways from a 50 Cent-inspired birfday.

What those ways are--and whether this "blowout" will go down--remains to be seen. Actually, though, I'd prefer a "blow in"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2007:

When laws beg common sense exceptions--

for flicks, stage, smoke shops?--our discretion,

high on Prohibition

kick, like "ban smoke" mission

ignores the "ridiculous?" question.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2007:

So, for the record and all that jazz...Chief Limericist checking in, here... I am still marketing a book proposal package toward literary agents and, of course, my birthday, Saturday, couldn't have been a day wherein I DIDN'T receive a rejection letter...

In fact, make it TWO rejections in one day--just counting the book proposal ones, anyway...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/21/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Naval Toast Haiku

 

Here's to the ladies

Girl friends, mistresses and wives

May they never meet

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/21/2007:

> 3:21AM? You get a little lucky?

This munch-pump is referring to the Daily Limerick E-Mail Edition dated May 19 (sent out when the site is updated), which saw one of those rare instances when we've missed the 9 p.m.-3 a.m. window, half-assedly given as a guideline for when to expect an update.

And concerning your question, well... (Daily Limerick is having technical difficulties)...

> Happy belated birthday, John. I hope you had a good one.

And this munch-pump is...well, perhaps I shouldn't call 'em a munch-pump at all. Given the circumstances, he probably deserves a compliment, like:

Non-munch-pump.

Thanks!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2007:

Today, guess we'll see those cicadas

but they're nothing to be afraid-a.

Their action appears

each seventeen years...

(I thought I was big masturbat'a!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2007:

Headline:

"'On the Lot' Gives Movies a Try in 'Idol' TV Format"

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a thing we used to have called "art"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2007:

R. Kelly says he's modern "Guy"--

for new MLK, he does vie!

Get used to it, see

'cause dipshits like he

don't oft see untimely demise.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2007:

Some buttloaf in the, er, Daily Limerick Towers building subscribed to the Wall Street Journal.

So now, there's a pile of unread WSJs on our stoop. Growing every day.

Not sure who subscribed. Don't know much about anyone living here.

So we'll have to get back to you on how apt the metaphor is...

Have we mentioned that black nail polish is one of the most hideous and evil trends in the history of fashion?

How, as long as you're going to spend the time/money on painting your nails, ladies, as God of course intended, you should pick a color that doesn't make it as if like you slammed your digits in a door and/or were diggin' for worms/having a dirt-kick fight in the garden?

We probably HAVE mentioned it before.

In fact, we KNOW we have.

Oh well...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/23/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Those Thirsty Portobellos!

Portobello mushroom are a pure delight and there shall be no arguments.

They're as close as you can get to meat without meat, they satisfy vegetarian dames and, most importantly, it's as if they were created with barbecue grills in mind.

The underside of a big ol' portobello cap looks all spongy and absorbent, doesn't it? Well USE the texture, ya' nugget chomper! Pour in some olive oil (topped with minced garlic) or perhaps a sweet & sour/Thai chili paste mix...let those babies soak it up fully, even leaving a bit of liquid above the surface (the grill will take care of it).

Then pop 'em on the grill, spongy side up, flip 'em briefly when all is absorbed and...your mouth will thank me for it.

Throw one on for another and...maybe he or she will even spank you for it!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2007:

Of "Bad Pres'dents" list, Dubya's topper--

said Carter--then thought it improper

and apologized...

These Democrat guys,

even when retired, are flip-floppers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2007:

So, a new pill is hitting the market that will make it possible for women to skip their monthly periods altogether.

Can't imagine any serious problems resulting from altering the natural body in such a radical manner.

Nope. You won't see lawsuits up the ying-yang in a few years over this, from folks who thought skipping menstruation, like inhaling smoke and putting plastic globules inside one's flesh to enlarge boobs, couldn't possibly have any negative side effects...

Headline:

"Angelina Plans to Take a Year Off"

Now, if we can only get The Press to take a year off of Angelina...

'Nother headline:

"Why Won't He Call?"

Why won't HE call? Why won't HE call?

What about, "Why won't SHE call?"

Oh, that's right! Centuries old stereotypes, under Political Correctivism, are completely acceptable, even if outdated, toward men. In fact, even if women actually display those characteristics themselves today, I guess that's unmentionable, would be "sexist" or something, but we don't wanna get all pissy and rant on a topic, do we? (Chief Limericist checked in, back there)...

Still yet ANOTHER headline:

"Colon Must Pay for Party"

He hee.

Now, there are a lot of details in the story underneath the headline, not the least of which is the fact that "Colon" is an alderman's last name, but let's just ignore that and have a much-needed giggle...

We JUST read that May is Mental Health Month.

Which explains some things.

Wish someone would've given a heads-up earlier. Might've thought twice about that chick with the...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2007:

A new pill, set to sweep the nation,

stops a woman from menstruation.

Unnat'ral as hell

but wallets will swell

for lawyers, when comes litigation.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2007:

Headline deck:

"Student Ejaculated Into Salad Dressing"

Geez.

Adds new meaning to the idea of a "salad shooter"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/25/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Neil Diamond Phillips

While viewing the band's name off-the-bat, you may think, "Tribute Band,"--that hardly begins to tell the story of NDP. Rather than a Diamond impersonator, he/the band is, to use a term coined by the delightful El Vez, a Neil Diamond "interpreter."

Now, The Guy (who has a name I forget, and could look up, but won't right now) does a dead-on Diamond, of course. And his threads are a delight, as well. (The act focuses mostly on '70s Diamond, as God would intend it.) And he's accompanied by a full-on band that sounds twice its actual size. But it's more than that.

Funny. Rockin'. Tingle-inducing... Which brings us to his oft-spotlight-sharing band mate, Jane.

Jane sings at times--so NDP can do tunes like "You Don't Bring Me Flowers." And she plays instruments. Trumpet, rusty trombone--what have you. A flirty, borderline tease-y blonde type, but one who can somehow get away with it without pissin' you off. On a side note, she isn't afraid to throw back a paczki onstage--gobblin' away, lettin' the jelly fly all over and still goin' to town, why... What were we talking about?

Ahem.

Anyway:

http://www.neildiamondphillips.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/25/2007:

Wednesdays "Eat It!" section, which focused partly on grilling portobello mushrooms, has evidently launched a portobello-grilling innuendo trend, at least among Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

> Portobello mushrooms: Throw one on, and she might toss one off.

It's only a matter of time before some company or group, say the Portobello Mushroom Council, contacts us about our, er, publicity.

Like they say, no publicity is bad publicity...unless it somehow involves Daily Limerick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2007:

For chicks who gave Ralph's dink a rise,

had "game show"--which wasn't full lie.

Played "back at his place,"

'twas true, on its face:

His "prize sack" indeed spat a "prize."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2007:

Chicago Cubs-related headline:

"Befuddled Pineiella Says Above-Average Stats, Subpar Record Just Don't Figure."

Unless... Naw.

Lou, like Dusty Baker, and pretty much every Cubs manager, before him, doesn't believe in any silly "curse"...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2007:

Ms. Jolie says break will occur

from her career--feels life's a blur.

Good for her--but crappy

for us. We'll be happy

when The Press takes a break from her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2007:

News story excerpt:

"Eleven children were taken to a hospital Thursday afternoon with heat-related medical problems after a power outage shut off air conditioning in their St. Charles school..." Hmm.

St. Charles, mind you, is in suburban Chicago.

Chicago's high for Thursday was 88 degrees.

Not 95. Not 100. Eighty-eight degrees.

Air conditioning failed.

AIR CONDITIONING?

And, no, classes weren't cancelled, or taken outside... Kids were freakin' HOSPITALIZED.

No air conditioning at 88 degrees.

But Daily Limerick's just whacked out of its mind claiming the human race is de-evolving...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/27/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hiding in the Closet

I hid in a closet once.

Well, probably more than once, but I'm talking about a stereotypical, stop the sexual hanky-panky because someone's coming home who shouldn't know about this, no time to escape the place, Benny Hill/Bad Sitcom-esque hide in a closet.

I was in my early 20s. Not yet jaded. Well, not yet so jaded. She was a little older, was in fact my boss at one point, and didn't want her kids to know about this.

(Oh, there's more to this story. But today we're just talkin' about the closet incident. Tune in next week.)

We were fooling around and a knock came at the door. A glance out the window revealed it to be my Mrs. Robinson's son. (Who was about...six years younger than I, I think?)

So I hid in the closet. For quite some time.

The whole affair was sitcom-y on most every level. A cat was also trapped in the closet--and it actually walked across a shelf, tickling the underside of my nose with its tail.

I don't recall how long I was in the closet. But, as you can probably guess, it seemed like forever.

At some point, the son hit the bathroom, or went outside for something, or whatever...and I was led to jump out a window, her place being on the second floor.

Not sure how to end this tale.

But I can say I once hid in a closet during a sexual misadventure, if nothing else.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/27/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: If I could only understand the simplest things

 

The door closes. I hear it shut. The rain has stopped for awhile.

You click down the steps, skirting the standing puddles. It affects

your purposeful rhythm.

 

I look up from the page then.

 

This book is heavy and useless. It does not shield my heavy heart;

it does not give nobility to obvious feelings.

I hear your car starting up. And backing up. A light touch of the brakes,

 

the smooth transition to D.

I strain to hear anything else. The radio,

a cough; anything.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/27/2007:

> Thanks a lot for the review, Sloop. Its very much appreciated. And the

> Guy's name is Jolly.

>

> Thanks again,

> The Guy

"The Guy" is The Guy From Neil Diamond Phillips, the band profiled in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section by our Chief Limericist/World's Worst Music Critic.

And don't take the name-forgetting to mean anything. Sloop does about six of those shows a month, with four bands plus in each. Plus, he's awful with names. The last time NDP played a show with Sloop, Sloop had to peek at one of the flyers for Jane's (of NDP) June birthday party to recall her name--so even breast implants aren't gonna help you.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2007:

Memorial Day's for the heart.

Honor those who from life depart-

ed fighting our wars.

Dubya just makes more

and thus feels he's "doing his part."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2007:

The alleged Big Deal for yesterday's Indianapolis 500 was the involvement of multiple women drivers.

A Civil Rights milestone, evidently. Women now seriously participating in perhaps the most boring spectator "sport" in human history...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/28/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Bivalve Haiku

 

If a woman has

Teeth like pearls, does she have a

Tongue like an oyster?

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2007:

Four out of five Big Stars agree:

That "rehab" works so wonderf'lly!

Take Lindsay and Brit--

they so enjoy it

that they'll soon be back for Take Three!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2007:

Think on this:

Some day, there might be, "Daily Limerick: The Musical."

Probably not a pleasant thought.

And here's another unpleasant one:

I'll haunt any bastards involved with the above-named project.

But my opinion won't matter--and if you think it will, seven words: "Mike Meyers, 'The Cat in the Hat'"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2007:

They called it a "Vote for Change" day,

when Dem'crats took Congress away,

on War hot potat'er

and now, six months later,

they funded Bush Surge anyway!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2007:

A company called Ohana sells swimsuits that cover most of a woman's body. It markets mostly to religious whackjobs, such as serious Muslims and Mormons, who apparently think any god has nothing better to do than indulge a phobia toward women's flesh.

We think, however, that Ohana should be targeting a much larger demographic. Namely, Americans of any (or no) creed who shouldn't be showing much of their bodies.

Calls us optimists but, in taking a look at society around us, we dream of a day (soon!) when companies like Ohana will go far beyond "niche" to mainstream...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/30/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: When in Doubt, 'Cue It!

Monday marked the official start of barbecue season. It's new and exciting now, but many of you will reach a point where a nice-weather weekend comes, you're compelled to fire-up the grill because the season is fleeting and... Well, you find yourself thinking along the lines of:

"Let's see... Last weekend I did steaks one night. Chicken and ribs the other night... What should I cook tonight? Fish... No, had grilled fish at Tom's Wednesday cookout. Brats? Hmm... No, had them the week BEFORE that--along with pork chops..." And you feel stuck in a barbecuing rut.

Which brings us to the title of today's edition--When in Doubt, 'Cue It! You never know until you try. My sister has made pizza on the grill. I've made some of the most delicious breakfast sausage patties on the grill. At a grill fest a few summers ago, some friends and I started throwing pretty much anything we could find on a grill... It all came out edible, if not "do it again" 'cue fodder--so you have virtually nothing to lose. And it's only through this kind of trial and error that you uncover future "must 'cues" for the season--like bananas. (You can scoop 'em out of their peels, post grill, and spread 'em onto bread with a little honey.

So, take this, er, "wisdom" to heart as you, the Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, embark on YOUR 'Cue Season.

But knowing you're, well, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, we must reiterate that DL/S&Y takes no responsibility for grill-related accidents this 'Cue Season...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2007:

Three chicks, this year's Indy, purports

to Sexism, one big retort.

We've come far, you see,

for Equality

includes, now, most boring of "sports"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2007:

Little known, little covered fact:

Private security guards employed to protect tempting domestic terrorist targets are paid minimum wage.

But, don't forget: The drooling, wide-eyed Bushites who remain insist he's "tough on terror."

Just repeat the mantra. No need to look into facts...

On the other side of moronity, Cindy Sheehan has announced her retirement from the war protest scene.

Not sure of how all the particulars apply to the protest realm, but if she's following in musicians' footsteps, prepare for a "Comeback Protest Tour" in the not-so-distant future...

Headline out of the Netherlands:

"Kidney Patients Will Vie for Organ on TV"

Oh, we could toss this fodder around the room. But the most frightening thing about it is that it doesn't shock us.

The Silver Lining of good news? More proof that Hollywood won't be running out of "ideas" anytime soon...

Today's Chicago Sun-Times column by Richard Roeper--you know, the Roger Ebert sidekick whose name you always forget--focuses on the striking differences (classiness, resume, etc.) between actors Paul Newman and Lindsay Lohan.

Next week, we suppose, Rich will school us on the subtle differences between Shakespeare and "reality" TV...

 

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