Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!



So FEMA, playing pro-Bush ruse,

held "press conf'rence"--but they did choose

a fake one as best

for Cali fire test...

What, do they think that they're Fox News?



Halloween's over, but here's a scare to function as a form of "hair of the dog."

In an age where abused women's shelters are closing due to funding scarcity, Cook County (Chicago) Circuit Clerk Dorothy Brown weighs in on the problem:

"I think that we are not doing enough to reach the abuser... Helping abusers or even potential abusers to heal themselves..." Hmm.

Individuals are like snowflakes, each a "victim" in their own special way...



Dubbing herself among "The Chosen"

Paris Hilton pays to be frozen

'pon death, for rebirth

but, for what it's worth,

I hope future folk leave her dozin'!



Yesterday was Halloween and today, we...well, at least I (Chief Limericist checking in, here)... Well, I had a rather Charlie Brownie evening.

You know the one special where he sees the girl on TV and has to go find her? Kinda like that--only I met her on the bus and didn't have the time to actually get her number...but I know where she'll be a certain day of the week and... That's really all you need to know.

Oh, and that it hasn't ended in a Charlie Brownie way. We'll see. There's still hope.

So this is a half-ass, Sunday Story Time-esque entry covering up for the fact that we have no real "news"...or, um, "commentary" or... Well, whatever the hell you'd call the crap you read here...

...Perhaps we should have done the whole "Slappin' and Yappin is takin' the day off" thing...

Oh, and we promise we'll make it a Sunday Story Time if things pan out remotely well...

...As if you ass clowns even care...



TODAY'S EDITION: Likewise...

...We're taking the day off.

But, obviously, looking into having somebody else help "Entertain" ourselves...



Man saw hot chick wearing a bonnet;

tried to impress her with a sonnet.

Tried hard, her to capture

but... Source of his rapture?

She'd not let him put finger on it!



Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know our opinion on urban forest preserves.

In short... Stay away, unless you want your remains to be found by a jogger in a week or two.

Anyway, today we noticed that Cook County (Chicago) is advertising, on buses, the "wonders" of using its forest preserves.

Sending its citizens to near-certain death for no good reason? Could Cook County be taking its cue from a higher level of government?...



The news couldn't help but bring grin-y:

There's new racehorse named, "Oprah Winney."

There--we brought the news--

"low down," if you choose--

but we sure can't call it "the skinny"!



Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, and, really, anybody paying a mere modicum of attention to the world around them, might notice that the publishing world, like the music industry, and Hollywood, and... Well, anyway, it leaves something to be desired.

Downsized. Conglomeratized. All that.

The Chief Limericist will now check in.

I've been marketing a book toward literary agents of my "Stand-Up Poetry." Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know the general tone of my verse.

Well, I received a form rejection letter again--which happens all the time, this being a numbers game. Anyway, this was one of those agencies where the contact you address your query to is a "sorter"--that is, not a literary agent. It's an extra position that decides which agency or department each query should go to.

The form rejection came form the "Children's Department."

I know kids are "growing up faster," as they say, but this is a little much...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: One Pillow Fight-Esque Evening...

I've had the latest renter/roommate of my spare room move out recently (nothing as exciting as The Derelict--see the archives--hence I'm not featuring the experience). She paid on time, didn't cause trouble--so I shouldn't complain about her stay on any level.

Nonetheless, I've been telling friends how she didn't bring anything to the table.

That is, didn't bring ONE other chick over here.

Not a single one.

I was musing that she should have had lingerie parties and pillow fights, with one or more of the participants surreptitiously climbing into my bed in the middle of the night.

Which got me thinking about the time where that actually happened... Well, no lingerie party or pillow fights but... Ahem:

When we were in high school, my sister had a friend who was...well, more than a tad slutty. These days, I avoid such dames but then, having had very little experience with things Tantric, I more than welcomed a crack at her.

One night said friend...we'll call her Clementine...slept over. I showed the two of them my trick for making "Jet Fuel"--taking a little bit of liquor from each of the bottles in my parents' liquor stash so that nobody'd be the wiser. The results tasted like crap, but more than did the trick.

Clementine had flirted with me before and she was quite a comely lass. But I didn't think much of it. My sister had this strange protective thing between her friends and I.

I partook of a bit of the jet fuel myself and went to bed while they were still drunkenly giggling and "partying," as common terminology dubbed it, anyway.

On that border between full sleep and full consciousness, I noticed my door open... I had an inkling as to what was going on and thus wasn't too alarmed, pretending not to notice...and BAM! Clementine was in my bed. And in a frisky mood.

I sorta touched rubbed her leg or something to indicate interest...but was leery of Sis. And I think Clementine was, too.

Sure enough, within a few minutes, my sister noticed that Clementine wasn't in her room, stormed into mine, flipped the light switch on and started hootin' and hollerin'.

There was no culmination with Clementine.

Sisters are real helpful with other chicks, I tell ya'...







TODAY'S POEM: The scene as such


Clap the trap over the gutter.

It's all mouse tails and kitten songs,

a roving bandit of words.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



My op-ed page read sees a shift;

see columns now a little diff.

Whackjob letts. to ed.

leave brain better fed--

point's 'least bit more tough to predict!



So, Barack Obama made a surprise appearance on "Saturday Night Live" this weekend.

Kinda says something about modern American politics when, in order to garner a "hip" presence, a candidate appears on a show well, well past its prime...

Thumbs (and other appendages) up to http://www.consumerist.com for documenting, via photos, Christmas decorations going up before Thanksgiving.

Yes, it's a losing battle and we're doomed. But at least somebody's not bending over...



> A fiesty young chicky named Alice

> When asked "What's the use of a phallus?"

> Replied "As for functions,

> I use them like truncheons,

> It releases my simmering malice!"

All you really need to know about this limerick is that the Slapper Yapper Grasshopper sending it in thought the Limerick two Saturdays ago, about one "Ali," was about her.

Upon finding out it wasn't, she wrote one for herself.

A reminder to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers thinking our Saturday Limericks, AKA the "traditional" (non-news-related) ones to please the professorial types with elbow patch-festooned jackets, necessarily imitate life:

Unfortunately for our Chief Limericist, Saturday Limericks usually do NOT tie-in to real events.

He's never even BEEN to Nantucket...



Obama did SNL time--

for "hip" vote's his reason and rhyme.

Odd show to bring points such

because, most who're in touch,

agree the show's WELL past its prime!



So the Hollywood writers are on strike.

We, of course, tend to support writers, for some crazy reason. Time to take a peek at TV listings for the week, as a reminder of all they do for us... "Two and a Half Men"... "Life According to Jim"... Hmmm.

On second thought, sometimes pay CUTS may indeed be in order...



In the Hollywood writers' strike

the writers' side we tend to like.

Then we pause to see

just what's on TV

and ALMOST question a pay hike!





We won't go there--again.

Except to note that, when you see a MySpace bulletin entitled "Shower Sex," and it's posted by your cousin... Well, again, we won't go there...



TODAY'S EDITION: "Upscale Chefs Take On Pizza"

The title of today's edition is taken from a mainstream newspaper's Wednesday "Food" section.

Number one... Anytime you see the adjective "upscale," you can translate that as: "Something making a pathetic human being feel superficially better about his- or herself because it's more expensive and/or carrying more prestige than average, for the sole purpose of impressing others who are just as plastic, and ONLY others who are just as plastic."

And pizza? Any toppings besides cheeze, tomato sauce, Italian spices, sausage, pepperoni, green peppers, onions, mushrooms and/or anchovies render it blasphemy.

Telling use of verbs in that these "upscale" chefs "take on" pizza.

Real pizza will survive the battle, in the hands and mouths of the non-"upscale"...



With ads for the movie, "Fred Claus,"

we wonder if their should be laws

'gainst yuletide enhancers.

It grows like a cancer--

toward Labor Day, marketing gnaws!



Headline, related to Iraq Quagmire...er, War:

"2007 Deadliest Year for U.S. Troops"

Yeah, but last month, deaths were down.

So let's take this one month at a time. Unless we happen to see an up month, in which case... Internet pornography's a real scourge, isn't it?...

Pop-up quiz/ad thingie currently running on MySpace:

"Should Hillary Clinton Run for President?"


No need to worry about the fact that more and more of us are getting our news exclusively from the Internet. Not at all...

Two Southern Illinois University students are accused of burning a third man, in reaction to a drug deal gone wrong, with...hot, fresh-baked cookies.

Okay, is that FINALLY enough for us to start taking the threat of "secondhand cookies" seriously?...



Attention--mine--ad/quiz did get

on MySpace, where pop-up was met.

"Should Hil run for Prez?"

"Feel fear"--what it says--

'cause most now get news on the 'Net!



On the heels of recent investigations finding that authorities were able to sneak most fake bombs past security in major U.S. airports, we now learn that Chicago's O'Hare airport employed illegal immigrants with fake papers for the job.

This would be shocking but... Does it REALLY matter? Couldn't we train freakin' monkeys to eat sandwiches, scratch their asses, utter a blissful "doi, doi, doi" occasionally and remove old ladies' shoes?...

Chinese-made children's toys known as Aqua Dots, are being pulled from the market because, when the toy's beads are swallowed, they convert to the date-rape drug GHB.

The recall is really only affecting arts and crafts stores and Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch...

In Chicago, the Polish Film Festival in America is currently running.

And... (We just can't resist)... Apparently, they left the lens cap on while filming every movie!...

(Reminder: I'm a quarter Pole-ock, so I can get away with it)...

(Another reminder: Does anybody know how you're suppose to spell "Pole-ock"?)...



TODAY'S EDITION: Do-It-Yourself Dialogue

Turn on the TV. Turn the volume off. Gather some friends. Channel surf for something interesting and fill-in the voices yourself.

Great fun.

And, usually, it results in better dialogue than the Hollywood writers originally came up with, anyway...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2007:

I have an acquaintance named Lulu--

we're friendly. If she only knew-lu

I'd like to deliver

a package to give her

that, when unwrapped, shoots out some goo-lu!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2007:

The FBI has reportedly received terrorist threats targeting Chicago area malls for this holiday season.

Sheesh. Even the terrorists can't wait 'til Thanksgiving to begin their freakin' holiday festivities...



So Homeland Sec., Chi-Town, did choose

illegals for air-screening ruse.

I'd be enraged if

it made any diff--

for monkeys could peek in our shoes!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2007:

Now, we haven't said much about the Google AdSense DL set-up this summer. Just sorta hooked it up and left it at that.

This is in keeping with time-honored journalistic tradition, really. That "wall" between editorial and advertising content. (Although we're a bit leery, as Fred the intern's in charge of watching the wall for the week.)

It's been tempting to occasionally cross the wall, so to speak, as some amusing things have popped-up when the Google ad machine peruses DL/S&Y content and spits out what it has pegged as relevant. (Hint: This system is usually a day behind; if we mention, say, asparagus one day, an ad for, say, local farmers' markets pops up on the home page the next day.)

Even THESE musings are setting our Ethics Sense a bit tingly, but the point is (yes, we occasionally have one)... Well, one of our biggest pet peeves is and has always been the marketing of Christmas before Thanksgiving. And our mentioning it recently caused AdSense to... Ahem.

Making us a partner in the ugly situation.

Just thought we'd let Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that we are, indeed, aware of the situation. One side of the wall says one thing, the other says quite the opposite. Prompting our Chief Limericist's flashbacks to the years spent with his ex-wife...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Greek Goddess: A Modern-Day Fairy Tale, of Sorts

As cliche as it sounds, it all happened so fast.

But it was heavy time.

Most of life's moments simply fall, like sand granules through an hourglass, but some moments fall into sand castles...which, unless you shellac 'em (or whatever you do to preserve sand castles), fade away... But now I'm digressing.

One of the Grand Conundrums of life is that, when you're highly attracted to someone, you tend to act differently--not quite yourself. Not to mention that you don't think quickly or properly sometimes... But when you're around someone you're not so drawn to, you act more like yourself.

Thus the people you're not as attracted to are more likely to find you attractive. Not that someone can't "grow" on you, but... We don't want to turn into an advice column, and shudder to think what kinda things Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers would write in about, anyway.

So, I'm waiting for the bus on Halloween, dressed as a Greek god. I did a poem as God for a Halloween show, but wanted to ditch the beard for the actual H-Day, so I threw a wreathy thing on my head, had one of those horn o' plenty things lying around--actually handy for carrying wallet, keys, etc. with a pocket-less toga.

Didn't so much mind the toga. It prompted some flirtatious comments from women and from a frightening guy as well, who rather disturbingly kept going on about how "perfect" my nipple was.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the bus... And who to my cynical eye should appear...but this beautiful girl dressed as a Greek goddess. Call me a sap, but that just seemed cool--and perhaps even carried a dose of that Destiny jazz.

So, she makes a cell call or two, texts something or other and I'm thinkin', "I HAVE to at least try to start a conversation or something." So, when her attention was free, I noted aloud the obvious--that we were dressed in the same pantheon. And I complimented her shoes, and then promptly thought, "D'oh! Now you sound like a pervert!"--but they were those heels with the ribbons or string tied up the calve, hard not to notice, and she told me that she made them "made" them herself, so it turned out to be a GOOD compliment.

Then I engaged her in something slightly beyond small talk, even if I wasn't as erudite as I would've liked to have been. About the damn bus taking forever. About the difficulty of coming up with Halloween costumes sometimes. I made a light funny or two. She laughed a little, although I didn't kill. I offered to watch for the bus, if she wanted to stand around the corner in the alcove, which was protected from the wind, but she declined. I asked if she were going to a party--and said she was going to a bar, Duffy's, where she "goes every Wednesday" because her "friend plays kickball there."

So I was easing my way into things and the bus shows up. She'd told me where Duffy's was, but I apparently wasn't thinking altogether right. See, she got off at Diversey, which is the next major block South from me, so it was a very short bus ride. (She could've walked it, if it weren't for the veritably non-walking shoes.) So I was thinking that I had some time on the bus to move things along, but I wasn't thinking correctly, as I KNOW that Diversey isn't far. So not much conversation happened on the bus because I dilly-dallied, her stop came up almost right away and she said, "Well, have fun at your show" and alighted.

I thought, "I can just get off here, go to Duffy's briefly, get back on the bus..." But that seemed stalky, and I ended up being really late for my friend's sets anyway. (Wanting to do something for Halloween, I went to a club where I regularly host shows at, as Jeff Dashbach--see Sloop's Glantamerous Links--was playing.)

The encounter sent me into a la-la mindset for days afterward. I can't put my finger on it... (But would like to! Try the veal!) I mean, she WAS really hot, but that wasn't the only thing... The way she talked and laughed... The fact that we randomly were dressed on a shared theme... Some sort of electricity; a hint of ectoplasm in the air... I know I should have went right to Duffy's after Phyllis' Musical Inn.

However, a friend was supposed to have joined me for 'Ween, and he didn't due to a minor emergency--and I wanted to go to Duffy's WITH others, if not a group, with at least one friend. Jeff had an amp and all that to haul, so I didn't bother him about it.

I decided I'm go to Duffy's the next Wednesday.

I told another friend about the incident, and he said, "Well, looks like we're goin' to Duffy's next Wednesday." So that was cool. I even told a couple other friends we should go to check out the kickball thing (which actually sounded cool to me), but none were able to make it.

Concerning the ensuing analysis of the encounter in question, with the exception of one female friend, friends male and female alike agreed that Goddess' offering the "every Wednesday at Duffy's" comment was an invite, of sorts.

I looked around on the Internet, even e-mailed Duffy's about some gray areas... Turns out, Duffy's doesn't have kickball on the premises, but they sponsor teams, who meet at Duffy's after games and receive discounts. Some of the Web info seemed suspect, for various reasons, from typos or whatever, but, as best as I could tell, the kickball game(s) appeared to end at 9 p.m. at some nearby park.

Now, I've had reality slap my sappy poet soul around on many occasions, so I didn't allow myself to get full metal giddy about this. But you gotta admit it'd make a hell of a "how we met" story, so I was a bit Charlie Brown optimistic about it.

Then the day came.

Well, I hadn't heard from my friend who suggested the Duffy's trip all day, and a part of me suspected all along that he wouldn't end up going. Called him around 7 p.m. and he had a weird message on his phone. It just said, "I'll call you back." In fact, I thought it was him, live, at first. But he has some Cracker Jack cell phone, occasionally he runs out of minutes, in which case his outgoing message remains but he can't call... Anyway. I won't waste time on that. He had a valid excuse, but didn't go.

At this point, it was too late to round anybody up. I watched the new "South Park" at 9 p.m., dilly-dallied until about 10 p.m., then headed toward Duffy's.

Of course, going alone had me completely off kilter to begin with. But upon entering Duffy's... I didn't fit in. At all. Not my type of place. I wasn't dressed too out of the ordinary, and the lame '80s pop song cover band had some hats in the vein of my hat, but... Was a bit out of my element.

Now, as is almost always the case, things could have been done differently. I could've started talking kickball with people or something, integrated with the crowd. But an optimistic part of me thought my friend MIGHT be there--his minutes ran out so he couldn't call, but he headed to Duffy's, as he knew the general timeline I was shooting for--so I thus decided to walk around and case the place. I had a friend to look for; I had a goddess to look for.

I did a pretty good job of casing the place. (For some reason, I've needed to find someone in an immense crowd many times before and have a knack for it.) A part of me, however, wondered whether I'd know her, seeing her out of costume and all. A larger part of me knew I would.

The back room had most of the people and the band. I'd finished checking that area and was gonna take one more look at the front bar section and call it a wash. A part of me urged, "Aw... Talk to some people. Maybe she'll come later." But I really wasn't into the whole scene.

I walked by a table with a couple of chicks, and a woman who was most certainly NOT the Goddess seemed to be eyeballing me as I passed. Maybe my mind was thinking slowly... I walked into the front bar section, didn't see the Goddess there, and was about to just leave Duffy's altogether when... "Wait a minute. There was a chick sitting ACROSS from the one who eyeballed me--and she seemed to have the general shape and hair color of the Goddess. Didn't get a good enough look but... That might explain the one eyeballing me..." ("See that guy over there? I think I met him on Halloween.")

I went back into the band room and... It was the Goddess, all right.

"Oh, what do I do? I've found her! I can't leave now!... But I don't wanna just stand here like an idiot until she gets up..." Now, I'd been spotted. Obviously there by myself, even if I were the supra-gregarious sort who could confidently and immediately "fit in" with a group of strangers.

To make matters worse, the Goddess and her friend were seated in one of those slightly raised sections, with railings around most of it--semi-cordoned, in an almost restaurant-like way. Not real inviting for outsiders.

So I kinda looked around at people near me, pretended to be watching the band intently... And as I'd hoped would occur, the Goddess stood--to go to the bathroom or something.

It seemed she COULD'VE been walking into my way. She wasn't hurrying. She passed me a wee bit, I touched her shoulder and said, "Were you dressed as a Greek Goddess on Halloween?" To which she replied, "Yeah--and I met you at the bus stop; you were dressed as a Greek God. How was your party?"

And then she went off to the bathroom.

I couldn't leave it at that, so I waited for her to return. She seemed to take a long time, but time was doing funny things for me, but when she DID return it seems she sorta sped right back to her seat. I may be imagining that, but she wasn't easy to catch.

So... Maybe what I did next was dumb. But given all the circumstances... Well, it was SOMETHING. And I wasn't gonna hang-out stag at Duffy's all night, but I was determined to make SOME effort, what with the perceived magic of our meeting and the trouble I'd already went through.

I decided to just drop the pretense, make my move and then leave, absent some radical shift in our interaction.

So I went right up to her, presented my hand, said, "By the way, my name's John." Her name's Veronica. I said I felt a little silly, but thought it was cool meeting her in matching costumes and that I remembered she'd be here--so I came. And that I was supposed to meet a friend here, but he wasn't here, and he hadn't answered his phone all day, which worried me, and that I was going to go to his apartment to check on him, actually... Ahem. The gist was largely true.

Now, at this point in the story, I know I've turned truly goofy. But I feel okay that I at least TRIED. Did SOMETHING. And I suppose there's SOME chance that it'll come off more as a "cowboy just blown into town" kinda romantic thing in her mind, rather than...well, goofy. Or worse.

But I said I would like to talk more--maybe we can have coffee sometime? To which she said, "I don't think so." So I said, "Well, if you change your mind..." and gave her my number, e-mail, etc. You never know.

Although I probably know all too well.

She was hot. And she was wearing the same nail polish, still, as with the 'Ween outfit. But she had a bit of that "Omigod!" in her voice, so maybe it's just as well.

Although it was merely a slight "Omigod!" As if she hadn't fully transformed and could perhaps be still pulled from the Dark Side... So.

Part of what's always made the Greek Gods interesting to me, though, was the fact that they were humanly fallible...







TODAY'S POEM: And so on


You're a shadow brightened in imagination,

a weakening of the walls (and ducts) and

roads. The roofs hold in the rain, but

strain under the weight of snow. A white

compromise. Here is my breath, issuing

white-cold streams, an icicle and a cigarette

both fit in the hand; both are slightly

ridiculous. Both are seedless, lacking



Or are you real?


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



Slapper Yapper Grasshopper FINALLY checking in on our befuddlement over how to properly spell "Pole-ock" (and reminding you that our Chief Limericist is a quarter Polish, so we are allowed to use the slur):

> SUBJECT: Isn't it "Pollack"?


> Q.What is a Polish cocktail?

> A. Tap Water with a booger in it.


> (that's actually in a book- truly tasteless joke books...)

Hmm. Perhaps she's right. The spelling, that is. It doesn't SEEM right to us, perhaps because there's that fish spelled the same way.

We neglected to check into whether or not the letter writer is of Polish descent, however (that good-for-nothing intern, Fred), so we're preparing for a possible visit from Jesse or Sharpton...

Oh, and regarding that joke... Well, Fred liked it...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2007:

To learn terror plots are now brewing

for malls, Christmas time, twice we're ruing--

for e'en terror chatter

can't wait until after

Thanksgiving for damn Yuletide doings!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2007:


"Obama Vows Moral High Ground for Dems, U.S."

Because, of course, we look to Washington, D.C., as the authority on morality.

Well, right after the Hollywood dating scene...

Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez reportedly called Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar a fascist.

My. If that ain't a case of the pot calling the kettle...brown, we guess?...

To coincide with the Hollywood writers' strike, Broadway is now shut-down by a stagehands strike.

Where are the American people going to turn for their unadulterated cheeze?

Guess karaoke nights are gonna see standing room only for a while...

Okay, okay. For many, many years, Apple was the "outcast" computer, its gritty, artsy faithful eclipsed by the hordes of PC users.

Since the iPod, and iPhone, and the commercials... Well, we'll admit. We're starting to get sick of Apple now...



> I'm not at all Polish- (1/2 Dutch and 1/2 mixed-American-mutt),

> but I still feel justified in bagging on Polish people because

> I used to work at the Niles Library and all the Polish Bo-hunks

> would come in and look at porn on the library internet.  One guy

> was looking at porn and when I told him he couldn't and went to

> erase the cookies (so no kids would accidentally get a gruesome

> hardcore pop-up) he had typed in "POLSKI PUSSY" (???)  I guess

> he was homesick.  Actually, I really love the Polish people-

> I like walking around Ukie village and seeing all the kids in

> their not-quite-right European clothes (which are actually way

> cooler in their off-ness) and hearing Russian and Polish and what

> not spoken.

> Hey I wrote another limerick.

> These days tight pants peg rock stars "hottie"

> The boys don't have to have much body

> Their locks cut in shags

> You might think "what fags"

> But the slacks bring to my mind Castrati!

> It's fun!  I like writing limericks.  Shit man- how many have you

> written?  It may be a record!


> Ciao,

> Alice

Well? Where to begin with such a chatty letter... Guess Jesse's busy in New York and Al's trying to get his thing goin' in Chicago... Polish porn?

We saw some Polish porn and it sounded okay, but somebody left the lens cap on... Whoops. Already used that one--in fact that's what started this letters back-and-forth.

The Chief Limericist's written one Limerick a day for more than eight years now. Plus some non-DL ones, believe it or not... You can do the math if you like; we don't feel like it.

But we have cut-off limerick-writing Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in the past, you know...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2007:

So, where will we turn for our cheeze?

Broadway stagehands did take the lead

from Hollywood writers

to strike on East Side-er...

Crowd surplus at karaokes?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2007:

Donald Kerr, principal director of national intelligence (whatever the hell THAT title means) says that, rather than whining about the government monitoring our private lives, we should just change our definition of "privacy"--you know, because, these days, youngsters are posting all sorts of stuff about themselves online anyway.

While we're at it, we suppose, let's change some other definitions: "freedom," "of the people," "democracy"...

Okay, a family today decides to have dinner together, with the TV off, dubbing it "family time."

And it's apparently so out there these days that it makes the newspaper.

We think that... Oh, sometimes you just let "news" speak for itself...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2007:

Hugo Chavez, whack World Stage clown,

called Spain's PM a "fascist" down

at some leader meeting.

Textbook case of bleating

with pot calling the kettle...brown?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2007:

So Donda West, mother of Kanye West, has died from a risky tummy tuck operation--the closest to a celebrity who has gone that way, so far, to our knowledge.

Will this make a difference? Will this change attitudes? How about if it happens to a full-on Celebrity?

Risking one's life is apparently a small price to pay when faced with the gruesome alternative--actually exercising and eating sensibly...

There's an upcoming event being marketed in the Chicago area called "SportsFest," a trading card/sports collectible convention.

It isn't happening until June, 2008.

Shilling the event seven months ahead of time? What do these marketers think it is--Christmas?



TODAY'S EDITION: Pondering Chinese Food

Does an extremely popular Chinese restaurant, or perhaps a chain of them, have a Hunan Resources Department?


DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2007:

As in campaign sound bites we drown,

Barack says, "Dems--take higher ground

of morality!"

As if Wash. D.C.

on role model list ain't WAY down!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2007:

Our newspaper today brings us a feature spotlighting older (aka 40+) Hollywood stars wearing younger (aka skimpier) clothing.

The story's general thesis? That said stars shouldn't wear said clothes.

We perused the photos and... Looks alright to us. In fact, looks damn good.

But what do WE know about fashion? I mean, we happen to be attracted to women (with the exception of an intern or two; and we're still unsure about Fred)--and are thus not women or gay men on a power trip, so what do we know about fashion or what looks good on a woman?...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, last week, released statistics showing that the adult smoking rate, tumbling for decades, has finally leveled off.

Everyone's questioning why. Drop in anti-smoking efforts? Increased cigarette marketing?

None of the folks in a tizzy over this even suggested that perhaps, like alcohol or other drugs, prohibitions don't work, progress in any efforts against their use eventually levels off and, like it or not, once a vice is here, it is here for good--it all boils down to the fact that individuals have a PERSONAL CHOICE (which is what REALLY bothers the do-gooders)...

From a new story DL/S&Y has been closely following:

"Two students accused of kidnapping a man and torturing him with hot cookies are no longer welcome back at Southern Illinois University's Edwardsville campus."

He he.

Geez. Perhaps we're developing a conscience but... Well, we're starting to worry we might be stoking, in Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, one truly bizarre fetish...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2007:

Some National Intel. top gent's

said our def of "privacy's" spent

'cause 'Net culture spills beans

but... What I think this means?--

Let's change our def of "government"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2007:

The Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles is planning a big expansion.

But its neighbors are petitioning against the effort.

Think about that for a bit...




I'm a sucker for puppets.

Puppets make everything funnier. Perhaps I should be ashamed to admit this, but... Well, if you take a script, have human beings read it, and I don't find it funny, you may try it with puppets and I'll probably laugh at THAT. Well, the puppets up the funny, anyway, even it they don't make it a rollicking, knee-slapper of a time.

There's a comedy/theater thing running near me called "Felt," with a bunch of filthy-mouthed puppets performing. I've been meaning to see it forever, but living perpetually on the cheap as a writer and such...I haven't. But I will, soon. Probably.

But it doesn't have to be a theater thing, or even a high-production affair, like the late, great "Muppet Show." No, I occasionally stumble across one of those cardboard-box "puppet theaters" in the city during the warm months, featuring tired old fairy tales and the like and... Well, if I'm in a hurry to get somewhere, my plans are endangered, as I'm likely to dilly-dally and check out the puppets anyway.

And, when it really boils down to it, you don't even need an actual show to enjoy puppets. I have a monkey puppet, for instance, meant as a shower glove/scrubber, and me and the monkey can have a grand old time, for hours, doing... Ahem.

Anyway: Puppets. You gotta love 'em.


DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2007:

A boy at his junior high dance

got hard o'er his date, with mere glance!

To empty room, snuck-y

but, 'fore he got lucky,

durin' foreplay he creamed in his pants!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2007:

The City of Chicago is planning a campaign called "Tap Water Delivers," for the purpose of informing people that they can avoid the added cost of bottled water (which is now being taxed here)--by drinking the tap water they already have hooked up, provided they have a home.

Next up: Southern California's "Beach Sand Delivers" campaign, reminding beachgoers that they needn't shell out for imported sand to bring to the beaches...



Though Kanye's mom's death screams, "Don't buy it!"

more and more will still freakin' try it--

pay tummy tuck cash

but not something rash--

like exercise and balanced diet!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2007:

Saw news coverage last night about a "Santa Robber"--he's held-up local convenience stores or whatever wearing a Santa hat.

Hideous, awful crime. Even the stuff besides the Santa hat pre-Thanksgiving...

There's something about the taint.

You know what the taint is, don't you? Hell, you're a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper--of COURSE you know what the taint is. (But on the off chance you don't, 'Net search it or something--it's not our job to fill you in. Ask whoever gave you the "Birds and Bees" spiel to begin with.)

Anyway, last night I--Chief Limericist checked in, here--encountered a second chick who was offended by a mention of the T-Spot.

You may or may recall, or maybe I didn't mention it here anyway... Well, I wrote a poem called "Ode to the Taint" a few months back, read it at a show and a chick, whom I had seen at shows multiple times but whom I'd never talked with, approached me to express her offense at the poem. ("I've heard all of your other stuff but THIS one actually offended me.")

I think I've written much worse. But, again, there's something about the taint.

So the other night, I was running an audience-participation, game-show giveaway thing at a variety show I emcee. The bogus trivia questions focus on the most offensive of things, from golden showers to analingus and even worse.

But a mention of the taint set this particular participant OFF the stage. Oh, she wasn't offended enough to abandon the game, but was embarrassed to the point that she wanted to stand offstage to finish the exercise.

(On a side note, after dropping the T-Word, some lump monkey in the audience kept yelling, "Kick her in the taint!" which, I'd imagine, only contributed to her uneasiness.)

So... There's Something About the Taint. Look for my titular one-man show!...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I, Goldilocks

Before anybody gets the wrong idea, let's get right to this "story":

My ex-wife was too high-maintenance.

The next serious-ish relationship I got into was with a chick who was too low-maintenance.

So... I'm expecting the next one to be just right.

Hence, I am the Goldilocks of Maintenance.









There's an invisible wall between us.

You started it and I helped

by letting it continue.


We can't tear it down with invisible pickaxes,

dig it up with invisible shovels,

or even bomb it to rubble with invisible bombs

from invisible aircraft.


And when we reach through the wall,

our fingers touch.

And they are so warm and so cold.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



Letter writing maniac Alice checks in again, this time attacking from the confounded MySpace front:

> Oh dear me- I'm going to watch what I write to you,

> you naughty boy. I'm going to get letters from the

> Polish-are-people-too-league or something.


> I liked your Halloween story.  Don't worry, John-

> you'll find a real goddess one day.  Someone who

> reflects back onto you the same adoration and is

> just so right- someone who "gets" it and grooves on

> what you groove on, etc.  She's out there, and you

> can't find that person by sitting on your arse and not

> making a Charlie Brown of yourself at times. Would you

> rather be one of those sad "Missed-Connections" stories

> in the reader....not like you ask, but my opinion of a

> "goddess" who is that incurious, that bland and not

> very gracious or able to roll with the situation in a

> humorous or sophisticated way is: who needs her?  

It continues from there. And continues... Anyway, don't worry about the Polish league. Their director broke his arm raking leaves, when he fell out of the tree!

(Again, our Chief Limericist, checked-in here, is part-Polish and can get away with this.)

And, well... I'm not real concerned about the Goddess letdown anymore. But I must quibble a bit with your advice to "make a Charlie Brown" of myself, as the Charles Schulz estate is already suing for my entire life's infringement on his work...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2007:

As I stop to ponder upon

a Polish film fest marathon

that hit town, bit back...

Is each flick's screen black

'cause someone left the lens cap on?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2007:

Again, we feel oddly compelled to point out that our Chief Limericist is indeed part Polish...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who follow the news--not that THIS isn't a legitimate news outlet, mind you--know that, many times, it seems that certain stories of vast importance see little discussion in the major media while others of less import are done to death.

What brings this revelation on, you may ask?

Not the nuclear Iran situation...nor the recent failure of airport security in yet another covert government test of the system... It's the Stacy Peterson saga.

Really. We're not reading/seeing/hearing enough about it...


Last week, a Slappin' and Yappin'... Hmm.

You don't look to DL/S&Y as an actual "news" source, do you?

If you do... Well, I know this nice doctor... Ahem:

Why draw attention to a mistake, really, especially seein' that, chances are, most readers bear little in the area of "retention" regarding this dreck?...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2007:

For all my life, I've worked and played,

on Apples--my way to say, "Nay!"

to corp'rate pc's

but ads' hipster glee?...

Now Mac annoys in diff'rent way!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2007:

So on my way into the grocery store today (Chief Limericist checking in, here), there's already a Salvation Army bell ringer in place, wishing me "Happy Holidays."

Shucking that one off, I do my shopping, check out, ask for stamps...and the stamps are themed: "Holiday Knits."

Perhaps it IS a losing battle--but I ain't givin' in. And I haven't lost it...yet. Although punching the bell ringer in the nose and screaming, "It isn't even THANKSGIVING" was so, so tempting...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2007:

New cov'rage--fluff stories get tons;

while crucial stuff oft gets near none.

We sure could use more...

Air screen? Iran war?

No--there's lack 'bout Stace Peterson!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2007:

In Salinas, Calif., one of those allegedly constitutional "DUI checkpoints" will be giving turkeys to drivers coming up sober.

Awarding people for doing what they're supposed to do anyway.

Which, I suppose, is a step-up from the typical California thing of "awarding" people for bad behavior...



TODAY'S EDITION: Breaking News!

Try Razzberry M&M's.

Limited edition, you know. Hence, er, "breaking news."

You won't regret it. Delicious, although it doesn't appear they have any real raspberry in them.

But they might have real "razzberry," whatever the hell that is.


Food section breaking news is a bit different from other types, you know...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2007:

A chick I "date" (her motives?--blurred)

finds Holidays to be absurd.

Her cynic, hip living

just needs, this Thanksgiving,

my fix--to be "stuffed" like a bird!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2007:

We should be taking off today.

And don't expect much for tomorrow's edition, either. Ya' lump monkeys.

But Happy Thanksgiving, anyway...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2007:

Though I'll sure as shit stay away

from sales orgy this Black Friday...

It's for Christmas giving


so I'm forced to give our "okay"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2007:

Don't telemarketers realize that Caller ID exists?

In fact, in this day and age, also considering the "Do Not Call" list... Why does the entire industry even exist?

Oh, that's right--the morons who actually BUY something when approached that way justify the industry's annoyance of the rest of us.

Lotta morons out there.

How's that for kicking off the official Holiday Season on this, the day after Thanksgiving?...

(Speaking of the Moron Majority egging on the insidious, all you sphincter brains who BUY INTO the marketing of Christmas after FREAKIN' HALLOWEEN can go felch yourselves)...

Happy Holidays!...




"Entertain Yourself" is still digesting turkey...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2007:

A geyser scored date with young dish;

Cialis was popped. (How he wished!)

But she ditched perv bum

at aquarium--

so, waste not, he diddled a fish!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2007:

So we're running errands yesterday, and see this full-on, honkin' Christmas display in a store window, and we just want to scream, "Can't you ass clowns wait until after Thanksgiving!" and... Oh.

It IS after Thanksgiving.

Well, if it weren't for marketers and the idiot masters indulging them, we wouldn't be having these problems...



The prob with chick fashion, my friends

is that what looks "hot" does depend

on--not straight guy sector

with flesh Hot Detectors--

but snooty chicks and flaming men!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2007:

So Colgate has this new line of "Sparkling White" toothpastes with "Exciting Flavors" and, being suckers for such things, we've just tried the "Caribbean Cool" variety.

We'll ignore the fact that, pondering the idea of a "cool" climate, the Caribbean is one of the last regions that come to mind... Anyway, it tastes like a mix of mango and/or papaya with perhaps a hint of coconut, pineapple and...something toothpaste-y on top of that.

Not exactly the first flavor sensation that comes to mind when one thinks of clean teeth and a fresh mouth unlike, say, the line's cinnamon offering. But more so than you'd initially think.

We're still unsure how we feel about this.

Yet we've put sketchier things in our mouth.

But enough about our Chief Limericist's dating brouhahas...again, the jury is still out on "Caribbean Cool"...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Like This...

Sunday Story Time is still digesting turkey.

Leftovers, at this point, but the feasting ball's still rolling, so...







TODAY'S POEM: Muddy stones


When you look into a brook,

I mean really stare,

do you ever see strange faces?


No, but I hear the water moving

over the muddy stones. And it

reminds me of the rhythm of blood.


The beat of a poem's heart

is better than fantasy.

It's more than remembrance then.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



> Whew- you are in full-blown curmudgeon mode, huh?!

> (I refer to the last couple daily limerick editions). 

> Some new words:

> ASSVERTISMENT: when chicks wear those dumb sweatpants

> with logos on the ass. 

> HIPPYCRITS:  slacker kid's with dredlocks and patchouli

> who have a lot of mysterious income.

> YIPSTERS:  Yuppy+Hipster

> I only take credit for the last one.

Who's the curmudgeon(s) here? The cynical marketing bastards who push and push the marketing of Christmas, first dreaming of the Labor Day marketing drives but unwilling to stop until they have it at post-Valentine's Day, or true heroes (ahem) willing to stand up and say, "Enough!"

And regarding the "new words"... Useful and amusing.

Although we like the assvertisments.

Gives us an excuse for looking when we're inevitably caught...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2007:

Though we plead them, "Leave us alone"

Sales slime--junk mail, spam, calls on phone.

Why shoot THEM our ire?

Biz lives on rare buyers

indulging them with heads of bone!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2007:


"Swedish Women Campaign for Right to Take Off Bikini Tops"


Now, what's really happenings here is that a group of nutpunches claiming that it's "discriminatory" or "degrading" or blah blah blah that men can go topless and women can't.

(The real issue of course, is that a topless woman is distracting and a topless man is... Well, kinda the opposite, as you make sure and look the other way when a man shows skin. Don't even bother arguing it. There's no phrase, "Clothes make the woman," for ridiculously obvious.)

Nonetheless, we encourage the topless protests.

Just lay-off the signs and banners. They get in the way of the good stuff and, really, we're not reading them anyway, ladies...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2007:

If dinner, you eat sans TV--

talk, spend time with your family--

such now quirky capers

make Big Town newspapers...

Still have hope for Humanity?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2007:

The Chicago Sun-Times, our daily traditional news outlet of choice, recently reworked their editorial pages for a more..."progressive," angle, as they call it.

We've refrained from commenting, so far. The attempt at originality is more than worthy of applause but... The results are often more laughable than college newspapers.

Make that backwoods, community college newspapers.

Recent Sun-Times editorial headline:

"Think Twice About Toys Made in China"


Guess that's why we look to the Big Boys of Publishing--the insightful, expert opinions the average person could never arrive at on his or her own...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2007:

Black Friday and Cyber Monday

beg for new sales day to join fray

when, sure as you're born,

we all shop for porn--

curb frustration for Holidays!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2007:

In order to better secure the black vote, Barack Obama has enlisted Oprah Winfrey to campaign for him.

Black vote? I don't know about that, but if the "housewives desperately in need of somebody, ANYBODY to follow blindly" demographic votes in high percentages, he has the whole shebang sewed-up...



TODAY'S EDITION: A Pop-Tart Revelation

A recently purchased box of Pop-Tarts suggested trying them frozen.

I've tried, of course, Snickers bars, Milky Way bars and other candy bars frozen.

But Pop-Tarts?... My mind has officially been blown at the newfound possibility...


DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2007:

Barack's  "not black 'nuff" antidote?

Oprah, on campaign trail in tote!

Don't know 'bout black peeps

but he's locked, for keeps,

the "follow Her blind" housewife vote!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2007:

Okay, first the Federal Communications Commission approved changes to regulations that were tailor made for media Goliaths such as the Tribune Company, allowing an increase of mergers and consolidations.

Believe it or not, public outcry in our typically doi-doi society waxed bold and such changes were tabled, pending further consideration.

Efforts at media gobbling were toned down.

But it isn't over yet. And there's a bill, S. 23332, in Congress, that would stop the leviathan gluttons from obtaining more, more, MORE--some, a near-monopoly, at least in specific regions.

So let your reps know how you feel.

Next time you leave the couch, of course...



Regarding... Well, the theme of half our entries as of late:

> I guess I ignore christmas advertising, as I don't watch tv,

> I don't drive (so I don't see billboards), I don't pay attention

> to much of that stuff, so....I dont' see it. As you pointed out

> re: telemarketers, such tactics only work if they are responded to....


> Let's all ignore the sales pitch! But, as you probably know, we

> reap what we sow.....weren't any of us paying attention all those

> years when they showed "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and the

> Whos taught the Grinch that it wasn't the goodies that made Christma

> meaningful.....Even the roast beast?


> Welcome Christmas!

I'm sure we all paid attention to the original, Dr. Seuss-approved cartoon and its message.

Then came Jim Carrey and "The Grinch" and... Need we say more?


DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2007:

The sinister ol' FCC,

mostly to please Tribune Comp'ny,

seeks to ease merge rules,

for which Trib Co. drools--

with Free Speech, plays Monopoly!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2007:

Okay. Enough with the "dysfunctional thing."

The word "dysfunctional" is still fine and good. And, yes, families are almost always dysfunctional and, yes, there's room for cynicism with the Holidays, but... Knock off the Thing.

Prattling on about dysfunctional families regarding, or not, the holidays--and acting like it's hip or edgy or something.

We've heard it for some time.

So knock it off.





The Quilts simply rock.

I guess they're sorta blue grassy with an edge... Gimme a break! The World's Worst Music Critic hasn't featured a band here in a while!

And they thanked me for my emceeing...er, "prowess" or whatever. Which is rare and much appreciated.




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