Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2007:

Top Dem candidates now admit

to end Iraq War, won't see fit

for many a year.

Why let truth's head rear?--

We know campaign pledges ain't shit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2007:

Countdown: Two days until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

Okay, okay--we know "Us Magazine" is an easy target, and that we've mined it for perhaps too much fodder as of late... But the Chief Limericist's current roommate/renter is leaving soon, and she's the source of it, so it's about to come to an end.

But a subhead proclaiming, "Spears' Telling Lyrics" was too tempting to pass up. It's, of course, about lyrics from Britney's upcoming CD and how they relate to the reality of things that Britney's going through.

Britney Spears. Lyrics. Analyzed.

Ahem.

Telling in the sense that... Well, I guess they explain a lot about why she's at "14:59" about now...

There are now "video game coaches," who charge an average $15-25 an hour for lessons.

Well, we guess that, with our technological age seeing improvements in most every arena of life, we might as well break new ground in loserdom, too...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2007:

If skill at them isn't your blessin'

now you can take vid'yo game lessons.

I guess with progress

we can't expect less

than loserdom, too, a'progressin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2007:

Countdown: One day until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

An Indian company is under fire for its line of bedspreads, the "New Arrival Zone for India" collection. Its acronym is thus, "NAZI."

Perhaps we'll rethink the name of our upcoming summer camp venture, Nature Activity for Motivating Boys and Lasses of America...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2007:

When life won't give you a fair shake

and chicks say "No" when you're on make.

Can take consolation

today as the nation

doth celebrate Salisbury Steak!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2007:

Today is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

We just love the smell of Salisbury steaks in the morning!...

From all of us, to all of you: Happy National Salisbury Steak Day!

God bless us, every one...(with the possible exception of Paris Hilton)...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/3/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: You Know What Day it Is!

Yes, once again, it's time for Americans of all ages, races, religions and shoe sizes to come together, set aside their differences, and have Salisbury steaks. With buttered noodles.

Again, we'll look the other way for those who prefer their Salisbury steaks with mashed potatoes and corn. In any event, try some green beans and rolls for side dishe--with milk as a beverage.

Salisbury on!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2007:

In India, sales have grown hotsie

for bedspread line acronym'd, "NAZI."

When tourists there diddle

could get caught in middle

of strange bedroom terrorist plot-sy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2007:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Why is it that every time I'm out somewhere with my laptop some ass clown sees fit to say something on the order of, "Working the old wi-fi, huh?"

I don't have a wireless card in my laptop.

Is there now some law saying you must be connected to the Internet to do ANYTHING on a computer? Is it now impossible to get anything tangible done WITHOUT the Internet? For that matter, is Internet necessary to simply play around on your computer?

While the Internet is certainly necessary for the work I do, to some degree... I'm still of the, "the more things change, the more they stay the same" school. That is, the Internet is still mostly, well... Let's just say I wasn't masturbating, so the wi-fi assumption seems misguided...

Still coming off National Salisbury Steak Day, and all its festivities...gotta helluva hangover...or gravy-over, or whatever...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2007:

Our bashing of them's been intense,

but we'll give them due recompense--

those government workers

aren't just slack-off jerkers--

they're Masters of...Incompetence!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2007:

Okay, we were resisters for a long time but... Doesn't anybody else still have a giggle upon seeing an obvious telemarketing number on Caller ID--and, of course, not answering it?

The little thrills in life, we tell ya', the little kicks...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/5/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: I You Wanna Be Happy for the Rest of Your Life...

...Better Make a Porn-Fiend Woman Your Wife.

Yup.

I haven't been with a porn-lovin' woman. I've been with women who've wanted to have a little porn on in the background during sweet love. Which has generated...mixed results, we'll say... (Google archived Slappin' and Yappin's for more on that.)

But genuine, porn-lovin' women ARE out there. I didn't believe it at first, simply hearing tell of it. But I've talked with friends who've had 'em. And I've met a couple! One offered me threesome action...but I was spoken for at the time and declined. Met one recently and... Well, I'm improving in that area, after going from a four-year marriage, then straight into a long monogamous relationship, thus a bit off in playing the field... But I didn't get this last one's number. Was a bit boggle by the whole thing.

Anyway... We're of course sticking with the advice to NEVER settle on a chick whom you have to hide porn from. (Likewise, hit the 'chives for more on that.)

But... Well, get yourself a porn-lovin' woman.

And if you're a woman, or at least one who likes men... Well, you don't have a lot to worry about in this area...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2007:

He asked, near climax--she near fainted

and said, "I don't want my face painted!"

Thus tried glory hole

but she blocked his pole--

could say that his effort was taint-ed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2007:

Heard a guy yesterday giving a wolf howl from his car, directed at a hot chick walking the sidewalk and, well... Question:

Has anybody EVER picked-up a chick that way in the history of humanity?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2007:

So Britney, that washed-up tart mess,

prone to acting fool half-undressed,

lost kid custody--

good, but, what we need

to teach her? End cov'rage in press!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2007:

Headline from a newspaper letter to the editor, addressing coverage of Democratic presidential candidates:

"Don't Ignore Richardson"

Too late...

In case you're wondering why these candidates are groveling and baby kissing and ass nuzzling with such verve... Jimmy Carter, to Sudanese government officials keeping him from mixing with refuges:

"You don't have the power to stop me!"

You think athletes get a heavy case of the bummers when THEIR careers end?...

Use of heartburn drugs among kids has increased more than 50 percent in recent years.

Er, "sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll" means, well, um... Oh, forget it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/7/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: How to Care for Your Monster

There was once a kids' book with the title of today's edition.

It was a book for slightly older kids--I think I read it in late grade school. Anyway, it contained chapters on caring for a Frankenstein monster, a vampire, a werewolf...and I forget what else.

I think the reason I loved the book was because it treated monsters as if they were real. Oops... Considering the nature of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... I didn't mean to shatter the reality of any readers--and if I did, or started to... Well, monsters ARE real, of course. Now stop reading!

Okay, anyway... I was an escapist child. I crafted a reality wherein I was from another planet. (Or I at least THINK I crafted it...but that's a topic for another Sunday Story Time--in fact, see the archives.) So that book was right up my alley.

One time, after reading The Hobbit, I went looking for hobbits in the fields around my house--desperately hoping they were real.

Anyway... If that book is still in print, check it out. Give it to your kid, a nephew or niece, what have you. Or just read it yourself.

And... Oh. I didn't find any hobbits...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/7/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Nothing further

 

Something just shattered three floors below.

I can't see anything out of place

when I rush to the window. So did anything

actually happen? I don't think I imagined it,

the sound of structure spilling into disorder.

Nothing further.

The music from across the hall fills the wait.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2007:

Shunned tryin' to curb Sudanese strife

by gov, Carter's ire was so rife--

he yelled and he freaked!

(You thought ex-athletes

hate probs leading non-spotlight life?)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2007:

Saw a business' sign advertising, "Amish chicken products."

Hey. We don't care if the chicken worships the devil: Is it tasty?...

Veteran Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are probably expecting us to say something about the fate of the Chicago Cubs this year.

We really have nothing to add. And nothing to take back, either...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2007:

The Cubs, in the playoffs, did blow--

ain't won since a cent'ry ago!

I resist the urge

but...small ego surge

compels me to say, "told ya' so!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2007:

Last Sunday, the Chicago Marathon was held...sort of.

You see, due to the otherworldly October heat in these parts, runners were collapsing all over the place and one even freakin' died! So, they stopped the event.

And Congress made such a hubbub about the dangers of "ultimate fighting." But marathons have somehow attained society's unquestioning acceptance, perhaps because they're always for a cause--in this case, breast cancer awareness.

Much needed, of course, because I'm sure you've never heard of breast cancer. Didn't mean to shock you over the morning coffee. Or afternoon bong, or whatever. But it does exist.

Anyway, this is more than an appropriate time to remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers of our official editorial opinion on marathons: They're nuts.

Not only is running 26 miles insane--not deserving of congratulations but of intense psychological, therapeutic intervention--but it's as boring as crap. Running is to be but a FACET of a sport, not the sport itself!

In the past, we were prone to sum it up by saying that we wouldn't run 26 miles unless we were being chased by a bear. (Which would have to be an especially slow bear, of course, but this is, of course, theoretical.)

But a bear would give up the prospect of tasty human (especially since marathon runners are scrawny critters, as a rule) and go after an easier target. In fact, I don't think any of nature's critters would be dumb enough to run 26 miles straight...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2007:

'Mong kids, heartburn drug use is up--

all stressed out and they're merely pups!

World losing it's soul--

sex, drugs, rock & roll

is one more thrill that's went corrupt.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2007:

A four-person team, including Chicagoan Jesse Rodriguez, has won Olympic gold.

In the World Cyber Games. Thus, for videogames.

Extra kudos for winning the only type of gold medal that WON'T get you laid...

Pam Anderson and her latest ex-husband-to-be, Rick Salomon, were fighting over his suggestion that they make and sell a new porn video, spurring Anderson to explain, "I am not a porn star!"

Er, Pam... Sorry, but you ARE a porn star now--and, judging by that earlier effort's continued sales, it appears to be the mainstay of your "legacy"...

Just read today that, although smoking isn't seen as a cause of breast cancer, secondhand smoke is.

Move along; no shady science to see here...

Let's all have another good laugh, shall we, at Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hilarious fictionalizing of current and historic events to serve his agenda?...

And now it's time for a Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Public Service Announcement:

Knock it off with the Britney parodies. Please, for the love of Elvis. The ultimate Britney parody has been done already...by Britney herself...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/10/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Feeding More Than One Urge

Are there any prostitutes who also make sandwiches? Or perhaps whip up a meal? Or do they at least come with a pizza delivery?

We're generally not prostitute people here at Daily Limerick--although we're a little suspicious of Ed in accounting--but if a sammich is thrown into the mix... Ahem.

Oh, make fun of our "food" section if you will, but you gotta admit that's a helluva recipe...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2007:

So marathon runners came fighting

the heat--and soon, dust one was biting.

Chi-Town marathon!

And Congress dwelt on

the banning of "Ultimate Fighting"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2007:

A publicity seeking artist chick, whom we won't name, kissed a painting, leaving a lipstick mark and thus damaging it--and was charged with a crime under French law, "voluntarily damaging a work of art."

Although it's theoretical...would the statute of limitations have run out on Steve Martin and "The Pink Panther"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2007:

Put those parodies on the shelf;

know well Brit's now mere semi-MILF

and it seems to me

need not parody--

Brit parodied, nicely, herself!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2007:

There's a Web site, MyFreeImplants.com, and... Guess we'll take the day off, with societal parody set on "auto pilot" and all...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/12/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: How Not to "Entertain Yourself"

When you go out to see a show, make double sure that you have the correct address. So that, oh, to use an example, you don't end up running a little late and "arrive" only to find out that the venue is in another part of town, slightly close, but perhaps too far to justify hitting the venue only to see the very end of the show... Ahem.

We've, er, heard this happens. So while it may seem to be common-sense advice... Well. There you go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2007:

Her blow teased so, pre-cum did dribble

but he did have one minor quibble...

A suck artist? Quite!

But she liked to bite

so he plead, "keep it to a nibble!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2007:

According to Jennifer Lopez, or J-Lo, of Puff Booty, or whatever the hell she's going through these days, fame is "not fun."

Which may come as a surprise to all the starving artist types out there.

Expect Lopez to halt her touring and quit talking to reporters any time now. We feel so sorry for her, living with the agony of zillions and adoring fans for so many years. Took her a while to figure this out, though...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2007:

Pam Anderson's already sparred

with new ex-spouse to be, porn czar!

He: "Film sex; get rich!"

Pam: "Not porn star, bitch!"

But, Pam, hist'ry says that you are!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2007:

Condoleezza Rice has boldly proclaimed that Iran is "lying" to the U.N. about its nuclear intentions.

In other jaw-dropping allegation news, Joe Plutz of Toledo, Ohio maintains that campaigning politicians who kiss babies may not particularly like each baby they kiss, or babies in general...

Headline:

"Abortion Rates Same No Matter the Law: Study"

Don't expect this to change things, practically. Studies, stats, facts and all that jazz don't mean much to minds that are religion-adled...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/14/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Watch Out for the Watchdogs

In a society that values free speech (although sometimes the qualifier "allegedly" seems in order), the duty of ensuring that free-flowing discourse is fair falls upon civilian organizations. Thus, such groups mobilize to ensure that while, say, the Nazi party is allowed to hold public rallies, more people show up to denounce than support them, ensuring that such whackjobs aren't taken too seriously.

There's a fine line, however, between helpful activist and whackjob.

I once worked at a gay magazine--although straight, not that there's anything wrong with that--and learned that the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) often crosses into whackjob territory. Generally efficient at fundraising, employees aren't necessarily kept busy for all their salaried time fighting bona fide slurs and such so you'll find them... Oh, launching campaigns against show-tune jokes in sitcoms and such, for example.

Working at my college newspaper, I found the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), primarily concerned with the portrayal of Jews in the media, prone to leaping over that whackjob fine line.

As editor-in-chief, I had a lot of fun with the Columbia College Chicago Chronicle. Our "Around Columbia" feature profiled a nearby adult bookstore, we did an expose on the student services free condom jar, my column pissed people off--and our "letters to the editor" section, "Shoots and Letters," paid tribute to MAD Magazine, making fun of letter writers with answers from "--ed." of course.

Now, college newspapers get all sorts of interesting mail. Moreso even than big city newspapers, as nutjobs figure that college kids are more likely to publish them. Convicts looking for pen pals, conspiracy theorists, those continually ignored by professional media letters editors--those are just some of the kooks regularly contacting college newspapers.

We received a letter to the Chronicle from some woman bent-out-of-shape over the Jews. She claimed all the usual stuff--that they secretly control the world through banks and such, etc.--and also blamed them for some high profile death, I believe JFK's.

The irony here is that our whole presentation of the letter was completely in line with the ADL's goals. Her own words, misspellings and all, boldly portrayed her as a whackjob. Plus, the headline (something about a "grassy knoll") and the reply from Ed. further ripped into her.

But that's not how the ADL saw it.

They sent letters. They called. We ignored them. Eventually, they contacted our newspaper advisor. What they wanted to do was schedule an appointment to "talk with us" about such people, what can happen when they're "indulged," etc. The organizational equivalent of a knee-jerk reaction, I suppose--there are undoubtedly some college newspapers that will publish such a letter simply in the interests of free speech, its editors too green to grasp the concept that denying a whackjob an outlet isn't necessarily censorship--newspapers can only devote so much space to reader input and the job of the editor is to publish only what is most relevant, thought-provoking, etc.

What we'd done was a little different. I well understood the issue at hand, but only a moron who already agreed with the whackjob letter writer could've possibly interpreted an anti-Jew slant to the publication. I feel we actually did a public service, in a way--look, as sensitive as our society has become today, there are still real lunatic bigots out there.

Our newspaper advisor had a "hands-off" philosophy in general, except when his intervention was necessary. And he understood the issue and our way of dealing with it. So he told us about the ADL's proposition but allowed us to decide.

We decided against the meeting. Allowing someone on the ADL clock to play a few extra rounds of computer solitaire...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/14/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: New kid

 

From the television, a burst of laughter --

sportscasters discussing the road to the World Series,

and one promising veteran. "The new kid!" "Ha ha ha ha!"

You enjoy watching the AL pennant race,

but you feel disconnected from their humor,

their somewhat warmth.

 

On the way back from the wedding,

you and your girlfriend fought.

Your anxiety was apparently palpable last night

in a room full of strangers and noisy celebration.

She probed your frustration and pain,

and hers. And there were no real answers.

 

The car ride back was a tense 40 minutes.

Attempts at brooking the divide floundered.

And the television's company right now is worse

than being left with your thoughts. It's late.

But there must be a reason why it's still on.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2007:

Superficial chicks can now glom

onto MyFreeImplants.com

where dudes with no honey

and far too much money

can volunteer to get dot-conned!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2007:

Headline:

"Man Loses Penis, Life"

A bit redundant, don't you think?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2007:

Youth team that won World Cyber Games

has earned a gold medal of lame!

In fact, only medal

for which winners settle

on a HARDER time scoring dames!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2007:

GOP presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani has come out on top in recent polls of church-going GOP voters.

This despite Giuliani describing himself as an "occasional" church-goer and his less than conservative takes on many issues, including gays and abortion.

Giuliani's popularity among this demographic perplexes and worries the religious right. Which is curious.

Pesky things like "facts" and "personal choice" have never interfered with their knowing what's best for everybody in the past...

I've noticed a curious trend in my newspaper reading ritual as of late.

(Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

I brief over the "front" page stories, major sports stories, weather and a few other things first, then hit what's left of it in the given order (fully reading what interests me, otherwise just headlines and such), leaving a few "faves" for last, kinda like dessert--the comics, editorial pages and favorite columnists.

I even subdivide some of the dessert--reading my favorite six comics last, for instance.

Over time, my ritual changes. Sometimes, it almost seems to happen subconsciously. Lately, I've found myself dividing the commentary section in a telling manner--saving the "letters to the editor" for last, or just before the editorial cartoon (if one's published on a particular day).

I recall a time when I almost wrote "letters to the editor" off as useless, like the horoscopes. At this point, however, they're less predictable than the local and syndicated columnists--and are more likely to touch on a topic or opinion I haven't already seen done to death.

Why are traditional media outlets floundering, again? Oh, that's right--the damn Internet...

By the way, why, oh why does some spam-spewer out there think I'd open an e-mail subjected, "Willard's colossal penis"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2007:

So Condi Rice says Iran lies

'bout what for its nuke program vies.

From guy who does say

nation has no gays...

What power she has to surmise!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2007:

Star Cleveland Cavaliers basketball player LeBron James originally caught flak for wearing a New York Yankees hat when the Yankees played the Cleveland Indians in Major League Baseball's divisional playoff series.

Now that the Yankees are eliminated, James is donning an Indians hat.

Who does he think he is--Hillary Clinton?...

Across the pond, the League of Polish Families has caused a bit of hubbub by airing an ad claiming that Poland is only in Iraq "to serve Jewish and U.S. interests."

So it isn't just a U.S. phenom, the "'family' = prejudice" thing...

NFL news:

The Eagles will be performing at the next Super Bowl Halftime Show. Also, negotiations are in order for the possibility of a future Super Bowl played in London.

Hmm. Will they thus feel obligated to find a British act that's far past its prime for the Halftime Show?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/17/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: HomeMade Pizza Co.

HomeMade Pizza company makes pizzas...but doesn't fully cook them.

No, you pick up a pizza, take it home and cook it yourself.

Much like the concept behind the frozen pizza. Okay, okay, I'll give 'em the added freshness--much like your grocery store's frozen pizzas that are baked on site.

Only more expensive. In fact, about as expensive as ordering a pizza, having it delivered piping hot and NOT having to cook it yourself!

HomeMade Pizza Co. is doing quite well. Opening new stores all over the Chicago area.

Which should come as no surprise from a society that shells out for water in bottles and has made "Dancing with the Stars" one of the most popular programs on TV...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2007:

So J-Lo, of infamous buns,

does tell the world, "Fame isn't fun."

If fame's such a pain

no need to complain--

just leave the spotlight and it's done!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2007:

Headline:

"Dentist Shortage Forces English to Pull Own Teeth"

It's a shame we can't just picket reality for unfair stereotyping, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2007:

LeBron James, at fave team, was hintin'--

'mid cam'ra flash, Yankees cap glintin'

'til playoffs did leave them

out--and he wore Cleveland!

Who's he think he is--Hil'ry Clinton?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2007:

So the people behind the films "Things We Lost in the Fire" and "Zodiac" are ALREADY wooing Oscar voters, threatening to make people sick of the whole thing that much sooner, thanks to such an early start.

Who do these guys think they are--presidential candidates?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/19/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Herbie

Herbie is this singer/songwriter dude whose friends told him that his songs sounded "Herbie" and so... Well, he performs as Herbie.

And he has some marvelous story songs. One about dating a sex maniac, another about feeling old, one about being in a relationship with an alcoholic... Most have a whimsical air to them, but he can get misty in a good way, too--a song about a relationship in its dying throes is especially moving... As Worst Music Critic on the Planet, I've forgotten any titles, but you can check him out (although last I tried logging onto this, MySpace told me it was deleted or inactive or something):

http://www.myspace.com/herbietunes

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2007:

A girl boinked while loaded on vino

asked for money shot from young Gino.

Then her friend walked in...

"Shot"? More like a win

at slots in the ol' "clams casino"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2007:

Paris Hilton, having allegedly turned into a new position, er, turned over a new leaf, is hitting poverty-stricken Rwanda for a humanitarian mission.

And filming it for a "reality" show called, "The Philanthropist."

Nothing draws serious attention to a matter like a "reality" TV show...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2007:

U.K has a shortage of dentists

(could make sly cash there as apprentice).

Hist'ry did bequeath

Ster'yotype 'bout teeth...

And life don't help count'ring the menace!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2007:

Undercover investigators tried sneaking fake bombs into U.S. airports recently.

At Chicago's O'Hare airport, they were able to sneak 60 percent in successfully. At Los Angeles' LAX, it was 75 percent.

But they have the shoe bomb thing handled. Really. If anybody else ever tries THAT, since it was deemed an imminent threat because of...well, one isolated incident... The War on Shoe Terror has been won!...

So Oprah Winfrey claims that she's only gained 20 pounds recently because of an out-of-balance thyroid gland.

This particular disorder sends the gland back and forth in two directions, one causing victims to lose weight inordinately, one causing victims to gain weight inordinately.

However, according to Oprah, the "lose weight" part simply didn't happen for her.

Is Oprah sharing a publicist with Sen. Larry Craig?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/21/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Peeping Mike

There was this "friend" of mine back in grade school, Mike. I say "friend," as opposed to friend, because he was a bit of a backstabber. He'd act like your best buddy, but wouldn't hesitate to bash or slight you if it would help him "get in" with the more popular crowd somehow.

Mike and I actually got in a "fight" at one point. I say "fight," as opposed to fight, because it was a pretty lame one, even by kid standards. As a pacifist, I didn't actually HIT him--but blocked all his punches and kept pushing him down. You could still say, definitively, that I "won." I say "won," as opposed to won because... Aw, on with the story.

Mike told me a story that disturbs me to this day. The credibility of the tale is in question, but Mike's stories could go either way. He was known to be a liar, but actually known to spin a few that SEEMED to be lies but which checked-out to be true, eventually.

So Mike said his older brother boinked a chick--and let Mike watch through a peephole. Despite Mike's level of trustworthiness, I tended to believe this story, too... Something about the sleaziness of his family.

Now, ANY boy would leap at the chance to see a naked woman, even in a circumstance as less-than-wholesome as this one. Had Mike and I switched places, I would have watched--but I will say, in my defense, that something seemed a bit depraved about the ordeal even then.

Now? As a non pre-pubescent? No way would I watch a family member, or friend, boink a chick. ANY chick, no matter how smokin' hot. Oh, I'll watch porn--but that's more of a "virtual reality" type thing than a voyeuristic thing. (You sort of imagine it's YOU doing the boinkin'...but that topics already been explored in S&Y, somewhere.) Have it be a sex tape of, say, Kirsten Dunst (leave me and my peccadilloes alone!), I'd eagerly watch... Unless it happened to involve her and my cousin or friend, in which case I couldn't watch.

I think.

Anyway, that's today's walk down a Memory Lane of a more innocent time...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/21/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Saving lives

 

C. closed his phone,

having given the orders

to assassinate Y. He could

feel the road

dulled by the car's shocks,

beneath his seat. He felt like

an engine himself, yet tense,

yet amiable. This was the last

step to civil war in far-off E.

To wipe out the bad spots,

C. reasoned,

and keep them from showing up here.

He imagined cameras all around him,

drinking in his face and his every move.

It was a romantic image.

But he did not linger on it.

Let history etch the path of his greatness.

No one would know it today, but in hindsight

it would seem like fate, the inevitable fulcrum

on which the future was balanced.

And C. its most prominent architect.

 

The sleek black machine pulled up

to the courthouse steps. There were some papers

that needed filing, an unrelated matter

that kept the day seeming ordinary.

 

C. waited for the driver to open his door.

Winter light flooding in, he stood with his cane

and almost slipped in a patch of ice.

Feeling his driver steady him,

C. felt a flush of anger

quite disproportionate to the moment.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2007:

Feds snuck fake bombs by air-screen crews

on most tries, but here's the good news--

though time-wasting, pain-in-ass

gives most bad guys a pass

they've mastered screening our shoes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2007:

Perusing our newspaper's business pages... Does anybody else find it odd when a "cash management" company declares bankruptcy?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2007:

So Paris Hilton aims to be

involved now with philanthropy

but just to make sure

motives don't seem pure

she do it on "real" TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2007:

We don't know all the details here, but understand that J.K. Rowling has now announced that a character in her Harry Potter books, Professor Dumbledore, is gay.

Now, there's some sort of intent there that's hard to bash. There's a display of acceptance there, a nod to diversity--good social intent, however you want to phrase it (and you can probably phrase it better than we, at this point in time, apparently).

But... This is SOOO odd. Unless... Unless she's preparing us for a Harry Potter "comeback" kinda novel in which... "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Show Tunes"?...

(Oh, we couldn't resist...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2007:

So Oprah says that her weight grew

because of a thyroid to-do

ignoring the role

of her own pie hole--

I hear that her blood type's "Ragu."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2007:

Headline:

"Five Dead in Crash of Amish Van"

Amish VAN.

AMISH van.

Amish...van. Amish. Van.

Amish van?

These folks evidently ignore central tenets of their religion while nonetheless identifying themselves as members of the faith.

Who do they think they are--Catholics?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/24/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chickin in a Biscuit: Part Deaux

I know that we spotlighted the delightfulness that is Chicken in a Biscuit crackers recently. And although we did mention that "dehydrated chicken meat" is, indeed, on of the snack's ingredients, we didn't explore the full implications, for that constitutes:

Meat in a box.

Why, a revelation hasn't made me prouder to be an American since the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings, when "Long Dong Silver" entered the permanent Senate Record...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2007:

Next Super Bowl show's radar blip:

The Eagles, next up--once were hip!

League likes acts washed-up--

they're, unlike young pups,

too grateful to risk naughty slips!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2007:

So, Iraq War proponents are all excited about the fact that we've now seen a drop in U.S. GI deaths for two months in a row! Plus, the death toll hasn't been this low since March 2006!

Set your goals low and there'll always be reason to celebrate...

Speaking of Iraq, U.S. Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch has stated, of the above-mentioned "success" that "I've never been more optimistic."

Now THAT guy must've lived a helluva dreary life...

In what is described as a historical coincidence, up there in space the Shuttle Discovery, helmed by Pamela Melroy, will dock with a space station helmed by Peggy Whitson.

We see no reason to think that these two competent women will more than accomplish all duties admirably.

Then again...they're both wearing remarkably similar outfits...

The sculpture "Spaceship Earth" has been reconstructed by artist Eino after mysteriously collapsing late last year.

Not only was Eino right on with the sculpture's theme, reminding students of "Earth's fragility," but, in keeping with that theme, it might be bringing him regular work indefinitely...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2007:

Though non-regular church-ie, true,

Rudy G's fave in states non-blue!

For Right Wing, bad taste--

although it's their base

they know just what's best for them, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2007:

If you're looking for a reason not to see the movie "Fred Claus," and for some reason are having trouble coming up with one... They're running commercials for it, a CHRISTMAS FILM, before even Halloween, much less Thanksgiving (the indubitably official border between "no Yule festivity" and "gentlemen, start your Yule festivity)...

Really. Can't we take a stand for SOMETHING? For once? Or are we all really sheep, watching the world go increasingly insane in every imaginable way with nary a pause in our channel surfing?...

Okay. We'll come off it now...

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we have a BIG problem with professional hockey, for a couple of key reasons.

One of those key reasons may be close to rectification, however. (Doesn't "rectification" sound like a dirty act?)

Evil Chicago Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz has died and a son of his who has taken over the business may see to it that games are televised! (Bill Wirtz worked under the head-up-the-ass assumption that more people would go see home games if they weren't televised.)

Progress. Now end the ridiculous, sprawling playoff schedule, wherein so many teams make the cut that it makes a mockery of the actual season, and we'll start paying attention again for the first time since we were wee kids...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/26/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chuck Perkins and the Voices of the Big Easy

I've known Chuck as a performance poet for many moons. A few years ago he moved back to his hometown of New Orleans and has evidently been putting some of his delightful verse to music.

New Orleans-style music and his poetry make a fine match. I only recently heard the endeavor on his mini-tour, which may or may not have entailed more than the Poetry Slam Mecca of Chicago, but... Well, check it out:

http://voices.e-poets.net/PerkinsC/poem-NewOrleans.shtml

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2007:

There once was a girlie named Ali;

fear caused her to dilly and dally

o'er hat fetish (pervy!)--

'til guy in a derby

caused her to quench lust animal-y!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2007:

...For what it's worth, the name in today's Limerick should be pronounced, "Ally," as opposed to "Ollie"... No reason; not like it's anyone I know or anything...

Okay, Chief Limericist checking in, here... Now, I've told you about some of my folk methods of dealing with health issues, such as colds and flus (ignore 'em and they go away) and stomach upset (hit the jalopenos)--and I have a new remedy to add to the ol' Sloopy School of Medicine:

If you end up getting a kink in your back--say, 'cause you've walked around the house a few times with your 60 pound nephew clinging to your shin for kicks... Well, a David Lee Roth-style kick did it for me.

What? Why, I kicked because... Er... No further details available as of press time...

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' accepts no responsibility for the results of following the Chief Nutball...er, Chief Limericist's advice...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2007:

At the Iraq War, most do frown.

Yet for two months now stats have found

U.S. deaths have lowered--

but it'd take much more

to turn our war frowns upside down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2007:

FEMA apparently held a fake news conference regarding the Southern California fires, with FEMA agents acting as "reporters" fielding softball questions.

Phony press conference to make the Bush admin look good? Who do they think they are--Fox News?...

Daniel Dae Kim has become the third star from the TV series "Lost" to be slapped with a DUI.

Just what do these people think the set of "Lost" is? A rehab?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/28/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Secret Agent in My Closet

When I was a shaver, I required a nightlight for a good night's sleep because there was a secret agent in my closet.

Funny how common thinking has most monsters, apparently, afraid of any form of light.

There was a jacket in the closet and something about it, in the dim light, made it appear to be a secret agent. The stereotypical kind, you know--trench coat, fedora-like hat.

These days... Well, after a couple of years, that secret agent came out of the closet.

Wait! That doesn't sound right. Unless... The Village People didn't have a secret agent among them, did they?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/28/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: [Nothing. Nada. Zilch.]

 

Mike Chmielecki is off dealing with the repercussions of having a "wide stance" and using a Minneapolis airport men's room. Mike's Accursed Verse will return to its regularly scheduled slot next week.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/28/2007:

We're sure many Web publications and/or bloggers receive lots of political e-mail.

To show you what kinda thing Daily Limerick generally finds in our "in" box:

> Subject: Toilets_of_the_world

Don't think we need delve further into this missive...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2007:

New historic NASA news flash:

Two chicks in charge behind space hatch!

One's Shuttle, one's Station;

I'm proud for our nation--

but scared 'cause space outfits near match!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2007:

We've taken a crack at Oprah recently and... Oh well:

A horse racing dude (I believe that's the proper jargon) has named a horse in Ms. Winfrey's honor--Oprah Winney.

Some days, jokes write themselves...

...But we can't resist:

We want see an eating contest between 'em!...

You know that "My Country 'Tis of Thee" song? The American patriotic ditty?

Well... Did you know that the U.K. national anthem, "God Save the Queen," has the exact same tune behind it?

Just found it interesting...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2007:

So now, the third "Lost" star's been nabbed

for DUI. (Why not call cab?)

Just what are they thinkin'--

to leave set, drive drinking...

They act like the set's a rehab!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2007:

Paris Hilton has invested a substantial sum of money with the Cryonics Institute.

The Cryonics Institute is an organization that freezes egomaniacal people with too much money upon their death, under the theory that, some day, science will be able to cure them of whatever ailed them before the freeze and they'll thus come back to life.

The standard sci-fi line on this sort of thing is that such a "re-birthed" one will experience culture shock upon awakening in a future world.

Paris is ALREADY walking around befuddled at reality...

...And this all strikes a very dark note when you think about the possibility that it MIGHT actually work because... Well, it's possible that we'll truly NEVER stop hearing about Paris Hilton...

*