Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2007:

Of all artists, painters are coddled--

their schemes to inspire work full-throttle!

Though I'm just a poet,

to help the verse flow it's

high time to get me a nude model!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2007:

Whoa, Nelly!

Or perhaps we mean, whoa, Nadia!

Nadia Comaneci is hot!

When I was a shaver--the gold-medal gymnast was 14 in 1976--she was too young to be attractive to me.

Now, well... While, as previously stated, smokin' hot, she's too young for me.

Funny how that works.

But the pic I saw had her doing a half-stretch--and wearing high heels!

Hmm.

Twisting and contorting. High heels... Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

P.S. We're now in the month of "Slooptember"!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2007:

O'er Senator Craig, what appalls,

is he's "anti-gay marriage," y'all!

But hypocrisy?

Why wed? Single, he's

free for gay sex in bathroom stalls!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2007:

Analysts believe that the federally approved merger of Whole Foods Market and Wild Oats Market may pave the way for a merger of Borders and Barnes & Noble.

Whew! We were just thinking, "What we need NOW is FEWER conglomerates in control of all we view, read and/or listen to!"...

Seems Andy Dick wowed the Funny Bone crowd in Columbus with a routine including groping women and urinating on folks.

The act got him booted from the club.

Geez. It's not like he used the "N-Word" or anything...

Since we're a mere month from October, you might want to bone-up on your National Salisbury Steak Day Carols.

Or, well, maybe you can write the first one...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/2/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The One Time I Deserved It

Lately, Sunday Story Time has focused on those rare instances in which I was kicked-out of a bar. (They number three.) We've already touched on the recent incident wherein I didn't deserve it--and wasn't even drinking--as well as my first time, in which I WAS drinking but STILL didn't deserve the boot.

Today I'll relate the time where I DID deserve it. Perhaps, anyway.

The location? Burton Place--a bar that still exists in Chicago, last I checked, anyway. A couple friends and I were in the area, I'd stopped in the bar once before, soon after moving into the city following an audition for a movie that never happened and... I suggested the joint. So we went.

Knowing the general period of my life--on the cusp of quitting drinking, knowing I had to stop but getting in a few extra licks with the bottle last-minute--I was undoubtedly lit-up a bit before arriving. And that light, of course, grew brighter during the visit.

Now, Burton Place has a multi-level set-up with...I believe, anyway...the men's room on a different floor than where we were drinking, at a table. So at one point, I went to relive myself...and became lost returning to my friends. Really lost.

I walked from one floor to the next...up and down...from one end of each floor to the other--undoubtedly looking rather confused, and buzzed. My friends told me that they'd witnessed me wandering a couple times but...for some reason, didn't wave me down.

Well, an employee of Burton Place DID wave me down. And told me I had to leave. Upon which point I said I had to first tell my friends before leaving, a task which caused me to continue wandering in a lost state briefly and... Well, there you go.

I wish the story were more exciting but... Next time, I'll grab some ass or something...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/2/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Sandwich meaning

 

Let's drive down to the dry gulch

and look at the fish that aren't there.

Somewhere in this town bells are ringing,

lovers are making it through. But I can't

remember when I haven't been a failure at this.

 

Because we are a highly evolved couple.

We let our minds speak for our hearts

when our bodies aren't doing the job.

We get into arguments over semantics

and dare not speak the name of something

(that is probably not something else).

 

To want that, I'm finding, is like finding

a doll in the weeds. Kisses alone will not

fix it. Sometimes I think she's me.

 

This watch scratches. That's why

I keep laying it on the table

and disregard it.

Would you like a sandwich?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2007:

As we mark one more Labor Day--

unless you work it (bills to pay)--

amid loans subprime

and freak Wall Street times

hope your labor's not frittered 'way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2007:

From a Chicago Tribune e-newsletter news update:

"A doctor's group is warning women to beware procedures marketed under names such as 'vaginal rejuvenation,' 'revirgination' and 'G-spot amplification'"

Hmm. How do we put our careful assessment of this development in an erudite manner? Hmmm... Hmm, indeed. Okay:

Duh!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2007:

So Andy Dick--kicked to the curb

from club with an act quite absurd!

Groped chicks; peed on folks.

But...booting provoked?

It's not like he used the "N-Word"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2007:

They say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Which is true...but not. For sometimes, time away might cause your little lady to forget about you.

Thus often, absence makes the heart grow blonder...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2007:

In light of the Michael Vick thing

chick groups point out this as the thing:

Dogs harmed brings much ire;

chick beatings--less fire.

To help, I'll start chick-fighting ring!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2007:

The Republican Presidential Convention will be held next year in... St. Paul.

You know. Right by Minneapolis. You know, where airport solicitation of gay sex is... Hmmm...

Presidential contender... Er, make that alleged presidential contender (ha!) John Edwards says that his plan for national healthcare will require citizens to make doctor visits.

Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there still doubting that "Prohibition III: Secondhand Science" has launch a legitimate "Big Mother" movement?...

Mexican President Felipe Calderon, in critiquing U.S. immigration policy before a cheering crowd, is quoted as saying, "Mexico does not end at its borders."

Now, Felipe... According to, you know, dictionaries and stuff, a "border" actually... Aw, maybe something was lost in translation...

Headline:

"Cop Riding Segway Runs Down Shooting Suspect"

Okay, something good actually came of that lame-o-rific invention. Now we can destroy the rest, save perhaps one for a "useless inventions museum"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/5/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Well, perhaps not EVERYBODY... But employees at the Jewel grocery store near me now acknowledge me and say "hello."

I don't think names have been exchanged, although the employees wear name badges, but... I'm excited about this!

See, I hit the grocery store multiple times per week. My bank is there (usually the ATM itself)--and especially since I've been working freelance, from home, and in need of excuses to exit the old domicile, I've been making extra trips.

And now I'm getting "the treatment." Special treatment, that is. Sort of.

Aw, to each his own...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2007:

If Edwards & Hil have their druthers

there'll be no need to fear Big Brother.

But secondhand science,

doc visit compliance...

The lib'ral oppression: Big Mother!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

...And continuing the subject of today's Limerick, a headline:

"Problem Gambler Says Casino Made Her Do It"

The frightening things is, all too many of us sheep are willing to embrace Big Mother...

So billionaire, constantly-needing-to-prove-he's-manly-and-cool adventurer Steve Fossett has vanished amid his latest brought-it-on-himself adventure in derring-do.

Boo-hee. Hee hee... Ahem.

Let's try that again:

Boo-hee... Ha ha haw, haw hee... Ahem:

Boo...hoo...

Oh, and another time-honred maxim:

Absence makes the hand grow fondler...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2007:

So adventure-seeking Steve Fossett

has somehow gotten himself lost--it's

bit tough to grieve much.

Rich, dare-seeking stuff?

Just count cash and find babes to toss it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Given the time of year and all, on days when we're suffering from writer's block, or writer's cock, or writer's blecch... Well, just try to keep this out of your head, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

"September morn... We danced until the night became a brand new day..."

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/7/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chris Zonada and the Black Cat Umbrella Brigade

Chris Zonada makes for an interesting case study.

I've emceed music/variety shows for a few years now and he first came around as an acoustic performer, singer/songwriter, finger-picker type. He had songs structured around hum-able melodies, classically-influenced yet poppy guitar licks and thoughtful lyrics, plus some fun tunes, like "Pear-Shaped Man."

But, despite his musical prowess, he had a tough time bringing out a crowd.

Then, he formed a full-on band. Not only did he truly sculpt his previous, solo songs into new-ish works of art, with added layers complementing what was already "underneath"--many times, it appears that singer/songwriters who go through such a process just more-or-less slap on some bass and drums--but he started bringing out a crowd!

A crowd that included hot chicks!

So, now that we've finally touched on what's REALLY important:

http://www.myspace.com/chriszonada

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2007:

Hot, long-legged young politician

shunned focus groups to make decisions.

But one media guy

bore "mic" with one eye

and frequently changed her positions!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So, some pundits are complaining that the campaign of Fred Thompson is "Hollywood."

I got news for you, folks. Washington D.C. makes Hollywood appear to be chock full o' substance...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2007:

Doctors' groups have taken occasion,

cite dangers of "revirgination."

It "fixes" love lips--

no shortage of dips

short common sense, feared mutilation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So al-Qaida plans a special release for September 11 this time around, with a direct-to-video release featuring, for the first time in three years... Osama bin Laden!

Roll out the... Er, musty goatskin carpet, we suppose...

Excerpt of news story:

"An 'American Idol'-style contest will determine which of 25 Chicago-area sites and structures will get a slice of an American Express-backed $1 million prize. And your votes can determine the winner..." Hmm.

Just figured maybe you needed to be reminded, on a fine Sunday, of the overwhelming sense of doom hanging over the human race...

Shouldn't Us Magazine actually be called...Them Magazine?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/9/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My, er, "Relationship" with "Love is..."

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I've been a bit hard on the comic strip "Love is..." for some time.

You see, I'm unable to skip over a comic on the funnies pages. I've tried, in my own pathetic way of "boycotting," here or there, but my eyes just follow along and... In short, it's too much trouble. If it's in my newspaper's comics section, I read it.

I know that some smelly hippie chick originally started the strip and that it was continued after her death by the son. Over the past few years I've noticed references to online dating, shopping and credit cards in the strip and have registered offense here in DL.

At some point, I gave up on chronicling its sins. Partly because it seems I'm the only one who cares.

It is, however, time for a confession: I kinda like "Love is..." Or at least I once did. I'm a romantic at heart and I've clipped more than one over the years to give to whoever M'Lady was at the time. Perhaps that's why I've gotten so pissed at its bastardization.

Recently, I noticed this entry for the comic:

"Love is...Squeezing into seriously high heels"

Don't even TELL me that the son of a hippie hasn't noted Daily Limerick's agitation--and that he isn't trying to make amends with this one...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/9/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: As real as it is

 

Oh dear educated man,

you are obsessed with unease,

communication's entropy,

the sound of fists hitting a wall,

the slammed doors, the torn apart veils.

 

Your words are a church of stone,

with wooden pews, gilded books.

A solemn and portentous charge sparks the air.

Can you see its light simply as light

instead of a symbol, instead of resurrection?

 

Does it help heal the hurt

by saying that hurt is natural enough,

but unable to look the other way,

at the infinitesimal patterns of the everyday?

And what when those patterns break apart --

mere constructs of your limited perception --

 

could you see the world as real as it is?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2007:

With Whole Foods, Wild Oats on the verge

word's Borders and Barnes may just merge.

Book monopoly?

Like Bush, FCC

seems to plot it's owned doomed-ass surge!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Seems the new, direct-to-video al-Qaida release features an Osama without the graying beard. Yes, it's all black and obviously dyed.

Queer Eye for the Terrorist Guy?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2007:

Al-qaida's new straight-to-vid "hi"

shows Osama's grey beard black--dyed?

Our culture they hate

but this sure seems straight

from "Queer Eye for Terrorist Guy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So Britney Spears' performance at the MTV Video Music Awards--an odd ceremony for a channel that hasn't shown music videos much in years--was widely regarded as craptastic.

DL could've told you that would happen.

Don't forget about DL Culture Consulting Services...

Headline:

"iPod Cited in Bicyclist's Death"

We told you that the tragedy went beyond the fact that the damn things make chicks near-impossible to hit on. But did you listen? Noooo...

Wows. Imagine the world if only more people would listen to DL/S&Y...

Whoops! Sorry for those frightening images! You can stop imagining now...

The Chicago Sun-Times has, as we guess many other newspaper nationwide do, a pro "wrestling" columnist, Blackjack Brown.

Now... If you're gonna devote "news" to a "sport" that's about as real as "reality" TV, his head shot should at least show him in an elaborate, borderline gay costume like the rest of the "wrestlers"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2007:

So Britney's last "comeback" did fail

(could've told MTV it'd prove stale).

E'en performance valiant

would tank--her big "talent"

was just bein' primo YOUNG tail!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Another September 11 anniversary, another feature story gushing about a comedian battling "9-11 stereotypes."

"9-11 stereotypes"? Fireman as heroes? Skyscrapers as doomed?

Anyway, isn't the comic of Middle Eastern descent, taking advantage of the tragedy to "stand-out" (along with hundreds of others), a stereotype at this point--in fact, perhaps even a "9-11 stereotype"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/12/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: A True "Flavor Original"

A recent edition of Eat It! lamented the fate of Vegetable Thins--and classic staple of the snacking community that has had its flavor altered.

I neglected to mention an extra slap in the face that comes with the mutated crackers: Nabisco slaps a "Flavor Original" label on it--at the same time it spins the dilemma with a "Great New Recipe" tag.

Well, I recently revisited the delight of Chicken in a Biscuit crackers and am proud to report that they live up to the unaltered, sacred recipe befitting a "Flavor Original" label.

Nabisco got it right this time.

And in case you're wondering, one of the ingredients in Chicken in a Biscuits is "dehydrated cooked chicken."

Which may seem scary to squeamish Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers but, hey, you can't bitch about artificial flavorings out of one side of your mouth and... Aw, what the hell. Stuff a Chicken in a Biscuit in BOTH sides of your mouth...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2007:

The new P.C. comedy hype:

Battling "9-11 Ster'yotypes"!

Muslim comics fighting

labels are inciting

THEMSELVES as a "-type," ya' buttwipes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So Russia is proclaiming that it's new, non-nuclear "Dad of All Bombs" is "environmentally friendly."

Join us tomorrow when we feature, "politically correct pedophilia"...

A Mormon church official has issued a prompt expression of "profound regret" for the Mormons' 1857 massacre of 120 pioneers on a Utah wagon train.

But church leaders also point out that the remarks are not "an apology."

Who do these Mormons think they are--the Catholic Church?...

Celebrity-obsessed types are outraged that Owen Wilson is opting to try sobriety without hitting rehab.

We thought the most important thing would be whether or not someone recovers, not how they do it.

Silly us. Big Rehab doesn't make any money that way...

So now, he-who-should-just-tape-his-mouth-shut-when-he's-not-singing, Kanye West, is piping in to defend Britney Spears, saying MTV "exploited her."

Let's see... Britney once had a thriving career that entailed cavorting phallically with snakes and dancing around in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit.

Didn't she make a name by...exploiting HERSELF?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2007:

With new, non-nuke "Dad of All Bombs"

the Ruskies have got the aplomb

to claim it won't dent

the environment--

to P.C. now, even war gloms!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

I know a chick who's really kicking it into high gear in her search for a man. And while it's not really her normal style, toward such purpose she's now reading Cosmopolitan.

Now, if your dame is going to read a chick mag, Cosmo is about the finest thing you can find your with. The shopping-mad angle is frightening, but that comes with the territory. At least it's got a sex-mad air to it, as well.

But, well, it's still... A recent issue headlines, "His #1 Sex Fantasy!" and, upon reading the story... Well, it describes a scenario that'd certainly be cool. Don't get us wrong. "A" for effort and all. But none of us would dub it our "#1." Nor even our "#2."

Setting aside the fact that, well, you can't name a "#1" anything for any group of people... Well, just as men seeking tips for dealing with women should ignore the "men's magazines" and look at stuff like Cosmo, women would be better off reading... Say, Swank?... Leg Tease?... We'll stop there so as not to dwell upon peccadilloes, but there ya' go...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/14/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Kitty Mortland

Not only does Kitty Mortland rock (with a full-on band), have something to say and bear pulchritude (her site describes her sound, much better than I can, as early Liz Phair-ish and/or Janis Joplin-esque, although I'll also throw out that I heard near-Floydian melodies with a special knack for capturing sadness)... But she likes me. Or at least indulges me. Someone, in fact, told me that she's not into men, you know, which may or may not be true, but... Oh, well.

Anyway, although I've been emceeing shows around town for a few years now (live and for cable-access TV) and I'm even noticed on the streets at times, I rarely get kudos from bands. But Kitty, at one point during such a show, said, "Thanks Sloop, for whatever it is you do. But you do it sooo well!"--then went into a tune called, "Do It Again."

(Sigh.)

Ahem:

http://www.myspace.com/kittymortland

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2007:

A girl's legs were so long and hot

that, while thrusting deep in her twot,

guy played with them such

limbs tangled so much--

hired Boy Scout to undo the knots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Ah, fall! When you start to notice a chill while walking around without pants... Er, when the leaves on the trees morph into beautiful colors...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2007:

So Kanye, who talks out his rear,

now says they "exploited" Brit Spears!?!

Yo, foot-in-mouth elf:

Exploiting HERSELF

is all Brit's had for a career!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Apparently, prisoners at Guantanamo Bay have been caught with contraband...underwear.

Yup. Including a Speedo.

Now, now. There's all sorts of room for jokes here--and perhaps confusion, considering that hyper-religious, militant Muslims aren't exactly Speedo's prime marketing demographic.

Upon further thought, however, we can see how it all makes sense. Few things breed terror in our hearts like a guy in a Speedo...

So, O.J. Simpson is now accused of breaking-in to a Las Vegas casino hotel.

We just hope to hell that another big trial doesn't happen because of this...

Now, another thing about that Britney Spears, MTV disaster, before her 17th Minute dwindles away:

All the usual, P.C. suspects are chiming in saying it's "unfair" to make fun of her belly. "She's had kids!" "Whadda YOU look like in your underwear?" Blah blah freakin' blah.

Well, number one, it's not like we stole a glance at her belly as she was lifting groceries into her truck or anything. SHE put it on display: "Look at my hot body!"

And, when you strip away the lame-o pop music and the choreography and the lip synching--none of which are exactly "rocket surgery," a term David Lee Roth recently threw out there--her real claim to fame IS having a hot body.

And now it's gone. So shut the fuck up, jump on in and enjoy the merry making at her expense...

Oh, not to mention that, boo hoo, she's still a gazillionaire...

There's an event in Chicago this weekend called the "Renegade Craft Fair."

I'm picturing some rumbles involving mean, construction paper paper-cuts...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/16/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Why I Avoid the P.O.

Writer Eudora Welty has a story entitled, "Why I Live at the P.O." It's an older story, pre e-mail, about her love of receiving letters and word of writing she's trying to sell (I think). Hence, she's always at the P.O.

So today's entry is a parody of that. Which should be obvious. Now that I've explained it, anyway.

The United States Post Office is one of the most incompetent organizations on the face of the earth, which I probably needn't point out to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers but... Well, I just did.

I've been working on finding an agent for a book of mine--"Stand-Up Poetry," featuring...well, the type of poetry I do, some explanatory stuff, Limericks, etc. A way of killing two birds, as the hackneyed say, since I don't have to write anything new, per se, but I want to work on selling actual books.

Anyway, this endeavor usually entails sending just a query letter and self-addressed, stamped envelope to agents. I have a certain number of queries in the mail and, when one is rejected, I pop another one into the mail (or sometimes e-mail, although the publishing world is slow to evolve) to keep the same number workin'.

Occasionally, an agent asks for sample chapters and such, necessitating more than a regular, business-sized envelope and a standard stamp. This was no big deal up until a couple months ago, when I went back to freelancing from home, because my place of work had a postage scale and various stamp denominations.

Perhaps I should by a postage scale and those stamp denominations--and I may end up doing that, when I end up having to go to the post office.

But I found myself dreading the next agent seeking actual chapters because... Well, the Post Office is such a Godawful, incompetent mess. I hate going there. It takes altogether too much time out of my day, waiting in line for a half-hour or more as the place, in the city anyway, always has too few windows open--and the windows that ARE open feature employees eating sandwiches and generally taking incompetence and slacking-off to new heights. In fact, when an agent fitting that bill recently DID pop up... I slapped on way too much postage to avoid the Post Office.

So... This really isn't a parody. I couldn't be bothered with reading Welty's story and, anyway, parodying a short story that's a bit obscure seemed... Well, you get what you pay for.

But that's Why I Avoid the P.O.

Take that, Eudora Welty!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/16/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Lights and not-lights

 

Love has a beginning and an end.

And that makes it all the more wondrous,

yet completely of this world, yet sad,

but also a radiance of joy. The rays

of this sun are multicolored and -faceted,

and flowers collect in its wake. They do

not always grow in its wake. But they collect,

 

and they color in the outlines, the most

jagged ones of loneliness, the softer ones

of self-acceptance. And trace the entire shape

of your body, refining the spaces where you feel

most naked. They do not make these spaces disappear,

but they refine them, perhaps close them up a little bit.

 

Love is both illusion and reality. The reality, that

love is everywhere, though not always for you unless

you're willing to fail at it. It is an illusion because

it may feel like the threads of two different lights

joining in a dance of harmony or the dimming of those lights.

But people are not lights.

 

Yet you have this.

You are a part of it.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2007:

'Mong whiny P.C. types: unrest

o'er the Britney belly-bash fest.

But jokes we've been heaping

did not come from peeping--

she publicly danced half-undressed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

We simply have to stop writing Limericks about Britney Spears.

But it might take care of itself, the Fame Clock being at 14 minutes and 50 seconds now...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I (Chief Limericist checking in, here; remember the ol' S&Y Psychiatric Couch?), have a nut magnet. That is, I attract nuts of all stripes--especially in my "romantic" life.

Well, I've been in a bit of a slump, meaning, for good and bad, I've been nearly nutless as of late but, suddenly, fall's knocking at the door and--dare I say?--I'm nonetheless dangerously close to going over my Nut Budget.

When it rains, it purrs...pours...something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2007:

The latest Guantanamo fact:

They're smuggling in undies! (How whack!)

Islam fascists--Speedos?

Guess terror's true need-o

'cause wearing one's terrorist act!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So, the Minneapolis airport site of Larry Craig's "wide stancing" has become a tourist attraction.

But...wasn't it always? Isn't that why Craig got in trouble over "visiting" it to begin with?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2007:

New O.J. news 'cross TV dial--

a burglary for his crim file!

"Not guilty," 'gain boasts,

but what I fear most

is... Could this spur 'nother Big Trial?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

A new study, or survey, or whatever-the-hell finds that 34 percent of men don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom, compared with 12 percent of women.

Apparently, however, this doesn't take into account that, most of the time, men aren't...you know, wiping around directly on orifice while women always are.

Because... Do we have to explain EVERYTHING to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/19/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chow-Down Plans

Do you have a chow-down plan? I don't mean what you plan to have for dinner each night of the week, or for Sunday football, or anything like that. For example:

A friend of mine in high school would eat one dish at a time. That is, from a school lunch he'd eat, say, all of the green beans first, then the French fries, then the main dish... He'd even go so far as drinking the milk only after everything else was finished.

Some enjoy mixing things--they'll scoop a few carrots onto the fork before lopping off a chunk of, say, pork chop--and munch it up together. Others will actually mix the dishes together on the plate. Some feel just the opposite is in order--I've met quite a few people who are anal about making sure one side dish doesn't touch another.

Here's my deal:

I like to divide things up, at least for those meals I'm really looking forward to (which usually means meals eaten out or ordered in, as, cooking for myself, side dishes aren't often in order). My first bite is of the main course, my last bite is the main course. Have, say, a few bites of burger, a mouthful of fries; repeat... Finish the fries first, end it off with a bite of the burger.

I'd ask Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers for their rituals (and I suppose I just did), but you're a bunch of poopy-pantses.

Now, this stuff may seem silly and ritualistic to some but... Is ANYTHING more ritualistic (and silly) than our eating rituals? Eating accompanies holidays, parties, special events... And this IS food we're talking about.

Could anything be more important than food?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2007:

Stall site of 'ol Lar Craig's infraction

has become a tourist attraction.

It's been all along,

that's why--am I wrong?--

the Senator "toured" seeking action!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Does anybody else out there feel that Ryan Seacrest is the entertainment world's Gollum?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/20/2007:

This cat checks in regarding the fact that Cook County is pushing to increase it's sales tax from 9 to 11 percent:

> John, you people in Chicago must be making to much money.

> You really didn't need it anyway did you?

> I didn't know it was as high as 9%. Ouch!

Well, as the price of gas continues to rise, the price of politicians driving to get prostitutes goes up, too.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2007:

Sex Scandal--I most have a ball

with gay-bash pols, say, caught in stalls.

GOP says somethin'

'bout their preferred dumplin's:

Convention will be in...St. Paul!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

So hubbub has emerged because America Ferrera, who's been crowned "empowering to women" and all that drivel because she plays a "normal" (not super attractive) woman on "Ugly Betty"... Well, she's been Photoshoped on the cover of Glamour magazine to look thinner.

Now, this whole America Ferrera/"Ugly Betty" business rubbed us the wrong way because we thought America was pretty hot for a person to be portraying "ugly"--and didn't understand how Hollywood had a hard time find ugly people (we find more than enough of 'em every day), not to mention Tinseltown's gushing over hot women playing ugly characters, ala Charlize Theron in "Monster."

But we find this to now be an exception to monkey business as usual.

Oh, the chickie-thinking among us will exclaim, "But she's so PRETTY!" To which we give the every-guy reply--don't kill us as the messenger--of "ugly, chubby, potato, potahto"...

Ridiculously fitting, though, that a chub would actually be named "America"...

I've been working on a story requiring input from a worker at one of Chicago's gazillion departments (Chief Limericist checking in, for just this nugget) and have come to the realization that, in order to get a government job, one must first submit to rigorous testing to prove...one's near magical level of incompetence in any regard whatsoever...

We're so sick of the eighties.

And we're talking about the preternatural late September temperatures. We have no problem with the currently hip nostalgia for...the 1880s...

At first thought, common sense appears to tell us that any girl who proudly calls herself a "bitch"--through a T-shirt, her music, what have you--is to be avoided at all costs. In the same way that an obvious nut is to be avoided.

And yet, all things considered... Well, that thing about the devil you know vs. the one you don't...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/21/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Section 4

First off, these guys had a xylophone player when I saw 'em, so that's enough for an "Entertain Yourself" pick right there.

I don't recall how many members they have, but they not only have a full roster but actually make USE of that full roster. Amusing drop-ins supplemented the music (from the Xylophonist), like some British-y sounding voice saying, "That's ridiculous!"

And the chick singer can sure belt one out--perhaps the only Janis Joplin cover I've heard live that wasn't a disaster.

But what really tickled our entertainment bone was the theme. Yes, theme--when I saw the band, it was "a birthday." They had a cake and party hats and all that jizz. And the theme thing is a regular attraction; they do a different one each show. I was told a preceding theme was a doctor operation.

Hmm.

Hit it:

http://www.sectionfour.net

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2007:

A man, out with friends, soon was blushin'--

over girlie-ass drinks, pals were gushin'!

Quick exit, best deemed,

he kept with the theme

and picked-up, to go, a "Blonde Russian"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Balanced my bank statement yesterday--Chief Limercist checking in, here--and discovered that I'd made an egregious error!

The error, however, was in MY favor. That is, I had more money than I thought I had.

Like lovin' sometimes, you take your miracles where you can get 'em...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2007:

So, seems "Ugly Betty" got the

ol' Photoshop treatment (well, duh!)

for cover of Glamour.

She's chubby--why clamor?

Her telling name's "America"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

There was a story in the newspaper this week about the fact that our federal government has went over its $8.965 trillion debt ceiling and, if the ceiling isn't raised, the government will shut down.

It's one of those where you're not sure which part is more alarming--the government shutting down or the fact of hitting a debt ceiling like that.

But another nugget won the troublesome competition for us, hands down:

It appeared in a news BRIEF, tucked into the back of our "Business" section...

So, the State of California is recalling some 56,000 lunchboxes it gave to children for the purpose of promoting healthy eating.

Seems the lunchboxes contained something not on the FDA's wacky Food Pyramid: lead.

The lunchboxes being made in China, of course, to save state funds.

No reason to second-guess the government's apparent new role as Big Mother. No, just let Hillary require us to buy health coverage, or Edwards require our doctor visits, and inevitably go after "secondhand cholesterol" and require five servings of vegetables/fruits per day--and trust that nothing can go wrong...

Misread a sports headline the other day, thinking it said:

"...3 goals and 2 assaults..."

It was, of course, "3 goals and 2 ASSISTS."

Or... DID we misread it?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/23/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Destiny Gets All Bitchy

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, as of late, I've received countless runarounds in seeking to fill the position of M'Lady, which has stood unfilled for longer than I care to admit.

Well, since Chicago's fell into this surreal, high 80s weather, here in late September, I've snuck in some extra summer activity to make some use of it. This includes taking the laptop out by Lake Michigan--and sitting around on public benches at night, reading or whatever, trying to work-up the nerve to hit on pretty women passing by.

One night, a hot little number (with hot little numbers) passed by and I said, "Hello." It seemed to me that she ignored that, so after I pause I added a "ppppp!" (A raspberry, Bronx cheer, call it what you will.)

I received no reaction, so just went back to reading and attempting to keep an ogling eye.

"Hey," I overheard, causing me to look up. "Mind if I sit down and talk awhile? I bought you a beer." She handed me one of those giant Foster's cans--32 ounces or something?--and cracked one open for herself.

It was the chick I'd raspberried. "Finally!" I thought. "The wheels of karma are starting to shoot me some of that wellspring of good stuff I now have saved up!"

Being a recovered alcoholic, my concern was telling her I couldn't accept the beer. I immediately decided that I'd just say I had to get up early to work the next day but... She yakked. And yakked. And yakked some more.

I couldn't get a word in.

"Blah blah blah...yakkity yakkity yak... So I said to myself, 'There's that guy with the British accent'...blather blather blather... British guy... yadda yadda yadda... And I was wondering: Why, at this point in time, are you here in this country?"

I was starting to get the feeling that this might not be the tip of the good luck iceberg I've been awaiting...but I was baffled by her display of loquaciousness and thus my powers of comprehension regarding the situation were slowed.

"First of all," I answered, "I'm not from England..."

"Well, why didn't you say so!" she said, actually having the nerve to appear pissed at me. "Gimme that beer back!"

As she re-bagged both of the beers my chatter-boggled mind caught up to things: She thinks I'm somebody else!

Nonetheless, I had to attempt a save. "So you don't want to talk with me after all because I'm not British?"

I figured I had a halfway decent chance, despite it all. Obviously, I looked a good deal like this British guy, who was apparently attractive enough for her tastes.

"I thought you were this guy--we'd talked a couple of times."

"Well, just because I'm not British..." And with that, she'd gathered her purse and beers and whatnot and walked away.

Apparently, it's not always enough for fate to shit all over you. Sometimes, it decides to rub your nose in it, too...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/23/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Dust

 

It's in the air, it's in the water,

it's on the ground. It's in our lungs.

We speak it with caution, and eloquence.

It weaves itself over the city at night,

draping the twilight in brown haze.

On the 10 we argued over which city

has worse traffic: mine,

or his adopted home.

 

The point was immaterial,

but the dust was material. Everywhere.

Breathing it in,

I watched a plane trundle across the sky.

It seemed to be cutting through a fog

of ink and clay. The red lights at its wings

magnified the tips of manmade clouds of soot.

Soon I would be hovering within one of my own,

a plane headed home, my real home.

And fresh air like a spear, cold and sharp,

happy to have it back.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2007:

Lunchboxes to pump pro-health bleating

State of Cali, to kids, was treating.

Of good stuff, chock full,

but state had them pulled

'cause Chinese lead ain't quite good eating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Deck from a Sunday commentary feature headline:

"If We All Just Stopped Having Kids, Say Proponents of Population Control, the World Could Be a Beautiful Thing"

Oh, yeah. THAT's gonna happen. Uh-huh. In a world where the enlightened year of 2007 sees about half of us still stuck on the "scientific" texts of scripture, written thousands of years ago, with its "be fruitful and multiply" and "with all the problems in the world God cares most about gay sex" and "the universe was created in seven days with no evolution" and... Uh-huh, yeah, sure...

There's a product called, "New York brand Texas Toast."

Which isn't so odd, really, when you consider that New Yorkers, continuing the above theme, apparently think God created New York first and all...

We at DL/S&Y try, we really do, to avoid making fun of interestingly written headlines.

We really do. The Chief Limericist has written more than a few in his (believe it or not) professional life and... Oh, well.

Headline:

"Enlarged Breasts in Men Often Troubling"

We'll buy that...

Taking advantage of the eerie late September summery weather, I was sitting by the lakefront with the Sunday paper and such yesterday--Chief Limericist checking in, here--and I saw a guy rollerblading.

He obviously was new to the endeavor but, nonetheless, was wearing earphone buds AND chatting on a cell phone as he made his ambling way down the path.

And he wiped out.

Just a reminder, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--life is often unexpectedly beautiful.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2007:

Though Emmy's are sure's hell not solemn

some starved for a life still do foll'w 'em.

But...'least TRY for best

folks... Ryan Seacrest?

He's the entertainment world's Gollum!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2007:

Mark your calendars with...some sort of legible substance: October 3 is National Salisbury Steak Day!...

Headline:

"More Employers Taking Punitive Steps Against Smokers, Overweight Workers"

But never you fear, Sheep...er, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! These are actions taken by the "private sector," and thus not government--don't forget that we live in "free" society!

Really.

You're free to express yourself and complain all you want. And also free to just forget that job thing and go homeless.

And it's only terrorists who hate freedom. So get down on your knees for your employer and be a patriot!...

Okay, so we've sorta been following that VH-1 "reality" show, "The Pick-Up Artist."

Hey, just admit it, guy: None of us feel we really know women well. So a tip here and there never hurts.

Anyway, I've seen some writings by lady pundits lamenting that it appears SO easy to pick-up women.

Ahem.

If it's SOOO easy... Why are there so many "how to pick-up women" texts, videos, shows, what-have-you on the market? And why, again, do ALL guys feel that women are elusive? (And, honestly, most WOMEN don't understand women either, but that's a different topic.)

So this type of thing is a homage to women.

You don't really need this kind of to-do for women picking up men:

"Would you like a blow-job?"

Pick-up accomplished...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2007:

Employers--growing power leads 'em

to crack down "for health" on the ted'yum

of worker fat, smoking--

we wish we were joking!

Just shut up and enjoy your freedom!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2007:

Countdown: One week until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

Okay, okay... Now, it's a given that, in general, stand-up comics are frightening entities, right? And, recently, we've shuddered at recent mutations of the form, specifically concerning the "anti-Muslim stereotype" comics, which have oddly become a stereotype.

But, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, never let your guard down in this world! It can always get more terrifying:

Witness Sherri Shepherd, whom we've just learned of.

A stand-up comic--and born-again Christian!

I hope most of you read this earlier in the day; wouldn't want to cause nightmares or anything...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/26/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Vision

The other day, I walked by a sushi place--SUSHI place, take note--and was overwhelmed by a familiar scent.

Gravy...beefy gravy... And, I swear, I could even detect a hint of something buttered, perhaps a perfect side dish for the beefy gravy thingie and... Well, I had a vision.

Have we mentioned that we're only one week away from National Salisbury Steak Day?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2007:

Study has man-bash lobby humming--

knew all along, despite mass dumbing:

Post-bathroom, wash hands?

More woman than man.

But note, too, men have outdoor plumbing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2007:

Countdown: Six days until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

A New York man was mugged immediately after his marriage proposal was accepted.

Luke Jacunski managed to hide the engagement ring from the robber, but still went away with his wallet $125 lighter--not a bad day on the pocketbook, he's about to learn, from here on out, anyway...

Oh, kidding, kidding...or at least half-kidding.

Remember: We're not bitter, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. We're bitterSWEET...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2007:

Read of chick who's not just a comic

(by itself a plague near bubonic!)

but "Born Again," too!

I'd much rather do

a night out involving colonics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2007:

Countdown: Five days until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

Chicago Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz has died.

The ass-bastard who ruined a young child's budding fandom for ice hockey. (We're specifically referring to our Chief Limericist, although we're sure there are thousands, perhaps millions, of others.) He decided not to televise home games with some whackjob, misguided idea of thus "bringing more people to live games." Among other culture crimes.

Oh... Blackhawks? They're the Chicago team in this thing called the National Hockey League, or NHL. A professional sports league, you know.

The NHL is only slightly more alive than Wirtz, at this point...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/28/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Anticipation

Yes, anticipation can entertain! And it can make the forthcoming entertainment more...entertaining.

Wednesday is National Salisbury Steak Day!

So...anticipate.

("Entertain Yourself" will hopefully be back next week. Not that it isn't here this week, but...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2007:

A girlie 'mong prime piece-of-asses

hid her hot 'hind librar'yan glasses.

Helped horny man look

for book and they cooked--

soon glasses saw coat of "molasses"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2007:

Countdown: Four days until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

Read about a crooked cop ordering a "paint job" on a possible court witness to his crimes.

We may still look into exactly what a "paint job" is but... Well, suffice it to say, the idea, while a bit confusing, did get us a bit, er...frisky, we'll say?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2007:

A man proposed in Central Park

then--bam!--mugger hit like a shark!

But since he got "yes"

should plan on no less--

a wallet now empty's no lark!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2007:

Countdown: Three days until National Salisbury Steak Day (October 3)!...

Headline:

"No Guarantee of Iraq Pullout: 3 Top Dems Won'y Promise All U.S. Combat Troops Will Be Gone by 2013"

This must mean troops will be in Iraq until long past 2015 for, well... Since when do political candidates care about the validity of campaign promises?...

Headline:

"Al-Maliki: Divided Iraq Would be a 'Catastrophe'"

As opposed to... What, exactly?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/30/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pullin' a Fonz

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should either remember the show "Happy Days," or perhaps have caught an episode on TV Land or whatever.

If you haven't... The Fonz was the "cool guy" on the show, which was set in the '50s. Thinking about it now... Well, he was a single guy in his 30s who lived alone, hung out with teenagers and always wore leather. Well, a leather jacket.

Hmmm.

Setting all that aside... As I said, The Fonz was the Wise Man, of sorts, on matters of cool. In one episode, Richie...or was it Potsie?...anyway, one of the gang had an overwhelming shyness around women and sought The Fonz' advice.

The Fonz told him to just walk up to a random girl and kiss her. Wham--confidence would result.

I have no idea what happened on the show. Whether the shy guy kissed a girl randomly or... I think he did. Whether that solved his problem or not, though... But it really doesn't matter.

As a kid, early teen I believe, after seeing that episode, my friend and I went to a mall and decided we'd Pull a Fonz. Or well, I decided I would.

And I didn't. Couldn't work up the nerve.

Which might have been a good thing, really, considering that there might be such a thing as "gateway crime"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/30/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Nope

 

Mike Chmielecki is taking time off to be with his family and friends for National Salisbury Steak Day. Mike's Accursed Verse will return next week.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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