Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2008:

Needed by doc's patient named Jules

was shot in the butt. Took his tool

and gave her a "shot";

she: "Needle, that's not!"

and he replied, "True--April Fool's!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2008:

So Liu Qi, China's chief Olympic organizer, promises that the Olympic torch's arrival will bring a "grand welcoming ceremony" to Tiananmen Square.

Replete, we can only hope, with the festive blood of protesters!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2008:

You know that the current direction

of Old Media, 'spite election,

is straight down the tubes

when pages of news

are matched by auto pull-out section!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2008:

It's still a bit chilly in many locales, but don't fret, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, as signs of spring are upon us:

Birds are singing, skirts are coming out, the Chicago Cubs are losing--and local news brings word of an idiot motorist ALREADY plowing into an open-air market!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/2/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Good Cap'n

That's Cap'n Crunch, to you.

Talk about your great figures in History. He's more than due for a Hitler Channel treatment, for his invention of Crunch Berries, if nothing else.

I'd also like to take the time to dispel any rumors that may be floating around. An ex-girlfriend of mine said she thought he was a child molester. Now, I personally haven't met the Cap'n, although he's welcome to come by the Daily Limerick Towers at any time--but this ex offered no evidence to support her claim. A ridiculous slur of a delightful man. That relationship was doomed from the get-go, or the Crunch-accusation-go.

I will admit, though, that the good Cap'n runs with a rough crowd. In recent years, I noticed that the Crunch Man had been kidnapped--it was advertised all over his delicious cereal's boxes.

Keeping an eye out from that point while perusing the cereal aisle, within a few months I noticed that the good Cap'n was kidnapped yet again! Worse, I soon came to realize that the guy is kidnapped a few times a year!

The worst aspect of all of this is that I HAVE to watch cereal boxes for the latest Cap'n Crunch news, as the Major Media refuses to cover this tale of utmost importance.

Not sure as to the reasons for the cover-up. But I smell Conspiracy Theory--although it is, admittedly, a delightfully, sugary, berry kinda scent...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/2/2008:

A letter with this subject came into the slush pile:

> Britney reveals all about her boob job

Wow! We thought. FINALLY the PR folks are seeing Daily Limerick as a legitimate news source and sending us scoops first so that we can inform the unwashed masses!

Then we took a look at the body of the e-mail:

> Your order is pending please confirm herbal purchase..

Naturally, this doesn't refer to anything we actually ordered.

Unless... Where the hell IS Fred the Intern, today, anyway?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2008:

On first signs of spring, I am musing;

skirts replace the coats chicks are losing

and the birds are singing,

upward flowers springing--

and the Cubs have started their losing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2008:

Even the most slacker-ass of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are aware that many nutrods in the Muslim world have been rioting over the depiction of their prophet, Mohammed, in cartoons.

Most of the civilized world considers itself above such primitive concerns, but... Excerpts from some of many "letters to the editor" concerning a commercial featuring a legendary sportscaster's impersonator:

"...obnoxious, moronic and demeaning portrayal of Harry Caray..."

"...The AT&T commercial is the most disgusting one I have ever seen on television..."

"...I find these commercials to be insulting to one of Chicago's favorite icons..."

Well... At least we go into a frothing rage over someone...um, more important than...er, a divine hand in the universe?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2008:

The Chinese Olympics' main stud

says Big Fest sure won't be a dud!

Tiananmen Square,

site of the affair--

can't beat festive protesters' blood!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2008:

Illinois Rep./Prominent Asswipe Kenneth Dunkin (D-Chicago) has proposed a law that would ticket folks for talking on cell phones while crossing the street.

Now... We have many, many problems with idiot cell phone users, but it's high time we all banded together in the face of Big Mother. And, please, keep in mind a lesson from Democracy Civic Duty 101: It doesn't matter whether you LIKE smoking or rampant cell phone usage or whatever; it matters whether you think the damn government should be intruding in our lives over these matters.

Evidently, Shithead Dunkin doesn't feel he has the votes--yet--to legally mandate looking both ways or, for that matter, wearing your mittens in the winter...

Cell phone crosswalk ban, Rep Kenneth Dunkin (D-Chicago)... Let's band together...

By the way, why don't you e-mail the ass bastard and let him know what you think of his idea: dunkinke@ilga.gov?...

E-mail edition news update excerpt:

"A survey of sex therapists pegs the optimal duration for sexual intercourse at 3 to 13 minutes"

Evidently, while we've "come a long way," as they say...there still ain't a helluva lot of women in the medical research field...

Among the plague of dance "reality" shows threatening to take over the entire world of television, "Your Momma Don't Dance" stands out as especially ass-o-rific.

It features dancing couples composed of a kid and his/her parent.

Remember when we actively AVOIDED amateur talent shows?...

For that matter, remember when we turned on the TV to escape reality--as opposed to turning off the TV to escape "reality"?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/4/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Not a Re-Run

I wrote a whole nugget on a kick-ass band for today and... Then realized that I already wrote them up. Thought I'd double-checked it but... Ahem.

This is all just testimony of the steel ethics here at Daily Limerick. We refuse to pull a cheap stunt--like a re-run of a previously run "Entertain Yourself" nugget!

We're not above, however, a cheap stunt like having NO real feature for the section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2008:

A man worked late with his intern

for she was quite eager to learn

about the profession

and other life lessons--

like kneepad use to stop rug burns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2008:

I don't know about you--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--but when I put a new roll of toilet paper on the...toilet paper holder thingie, I like to have the downward hanging end of the roll hang away, or on the side closer to the wall.

It seems most people hang it the other way. I sometimes correct it.

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2008:

TV was once the fantasy

used to escape reality.

But now, I regret,

we turn off the set

to escape from "real" TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2008:

Neuro "scientist" Christina Barr of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism claims to have found a genetic basis behind the "crybaby syndrome" and also the likelihood of one becoming an alcoholic.

Firstly, whenever you see "research" from groups like the NIAA, realize that such organizations are run by members of 12 Step programs, which work on cutting-edge scientific principles like, "Turn your life over to a Higher Power or die." So while Barr's research may indeed be entirely valid, she's working for an organization with all the logical credibility of a wide-eyed, frothing Muslim protestor hot and bothered over freakin' cartoons.

Secondly... Well, conveniently advances the "everybody's a victim and thus not responsible for anything they do" mentality, doesn't it?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/6/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Corliss and the Cats

I knew a chick named Corliss and she was SOOO freakin' hot.

But I digress. Already!

Corliss was a friend of mine, I guess you'd say. I wanted to have more than that with her, but she scared me, somehow, and had a sugar daddy most of the time I knew her so... In any event, we went to a play together once. Did a few other things. She was in my "media law" class at college--that's how I knew her.

Corliss had a pet feeding service. Now, I've had cats for many years now, but I generally have enlisted a friend, roommate, what-have-you to feed them when I've went away. But for some reason, I ended up enlisting Corliss and her service to feed my cats for a few days at one point. She only charged $10--friend discount or some such.

At some point, weeks or perhaps months after the feeding gig, Corliss was talking about how pets are a reflection of the people who keep them. She said that guys' pets, girls' pets, couples' pets, gays' pets--all of these animals tended to take on certain characteristics according to the people who owned them. Likewise, with strong personality types--the anal/ultra clean sort, the slob--animals exhibited predictable traits as well.

When Corliss told me of this, I asked what MY cats were like.

"I don't know," she said. "I've never seen cats act quite like that before."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know, just that they act different from any other cats I've seen."

I couldn't get more out of her, but this brought up a number of theories. A) She thought I was psycho. B) She found me intriguing. C) She wasn't sure what to think. D) One of a number of other explanations, as I now realize I don't have this narrowed down enough to adequately utilize the "a, b, c" trick. Or E) She wanted to rip my clothes off and have me do her nine ways 'til Sunday.

I suppose I'll never know...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/6/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A rare downtown tornado

 

Ping. The storm is off then on again.

These instruments will measure how quickly

the vortex spins down to touch the street:

its formation, its windspeed, its structure,

its duration and its path. Tagging things

gives us control over them. The spinning cups

and radar screens offer solace and comfort,

the possibility of future branches of understanding

and justification.

 

Do not confuse that with god in all lowercase

or grand caps. A system of belief riddled

with the unobservable, the unattainable. So why

believe at all? Besides, there is a romance

to calculation, if you read the humanity within it.

There is romance in god too, but it is often

misread or overinflated. Or the humanity is obscured.

The being of all things, the thing of all being?

Sure.

 

A girl enters the frame unexpectedly. Immediately

the viewer asks: Who is she? What is she thinking?

Why is she standing there on a near empty street?

She resists easy categorization and might even

seem vain, or stupid or brave, based on

the turn she makes when a car speeds past,

the disinterested way she ignores the whooping sirens,

or even how the viewer is feeling that morning.

 

We're all such auteurs of perception. And we

forget that perception is not reality. Oh,

it isn't? It isn't my reality at least? And yours?

Then what are we standing on? Natural forces

don't provide an easy answer: they seem as content

to toss us up and dash us on the pavement as not.

 

And science sometimes amends its long-thought truths.

And god is busy doing whatever it is that god does.

And she's out of frame now. We never even said hello.

But I feel richer for the experience,

even glad for our inconsistencies.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2008:

Economy's slump sees no end

in sight--'fact, looks worse 'round the bend.

But rather than blame

war or lenders' shame

they say WE should go out and spend!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2008:

Headline:

"Consumers' Recession Fears Could Make Things Worse"

Yeah. It's all OUR freakin' fault. We should be spending on new wardrobes and second homes and yachts and... Oh. 'Nother headline:

"80,000 U.S. Jobs Lost Nationwide in March"

As we were saying... We need to be spending on bankruptcy lawyers, cases of ramen noodles, lubricants to better prostitute ourselves...

If you deface private/public property, but you actually correct it--say, changing an errant "who" to "whom" in an ad... Is that really vandalism, or a public service?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2008:

MORE dance shows--"Your Mama Don't Dance,"

fam'ly member teams on-screen prance.

Years back, father/daughter's

talent show art slaughter

we'd run from--not seek out, entranced!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2008:

Last Friday, upon learning the "sex researchers" determined the ideal lovemaking session to clock-in at 3-13 minutes, we mused upon the lack of women in the "sex research" field.

Today's advice column headline:

"Therapists Say Fulfilling Experience is More About Intimacy Than Movielike Gymnastics"

And it seems that there's a serious lack of men in the "therapist" racket...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2008:

The slang term won't die--like a ghoul!

Since '50s, as we learned in school!

But on poseur steeple,

MySpace, "Cool New People!"

may fin'ly bring the death of "cool"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2008:

I've noticed lately, in briefing crime stories, that a lot of sex offenders are sentenced to some form of probation and to "stay off the Internet."

Now, freeing up HALF THE FREAKIN' PRISON SPACE by ending Prohibition II: The War on Drug Users would eliminate the need for such cockamamie sentencing but... Well, we try not to dwell in certain pet issues too much here at Daily Limerick, believe it or not.

And, last I checked, there was more to the Internet than picking up kids. In fact, I use the Internet near-constantly during weekdays and, call me old-fashioned, but I've never ONCE used it to pick up a kid.

They may as well sentence them to "stay in your room," because in leaving the house, ONE of the things you might do is pick up a kid.

Ooop! Now Nancy Pelosi's wet in the panties at the idea of grounding adult citizens as part of the Big Mother movement...

So, manly college basketball announcer Dick Vitale was publicly crying when his induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame was announced.

Some would say, "This is a sign that real men CAN cry in public!" We interpret it as more evidence of just how far we've come as a society--for we've reached a point where we're TOO goddamned sensitive and need to back-off. Nancy-boy products like men's hair dye can afford prime-time advertising now! Guys wear sandals without well-justified harassment!

So, Dick, for your own good, and the good of society:

Girlie man!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/9/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Tortilla Wrap Man

Get yourself a tortilla Wrap Man doll by saving 5 UPC codes, plus a check for $4.75 (S&H included), from La Mexicana Tortilla Products! (See http://www.lamexicanawraps.com)

He looks pretty kick-ass to me. Seven inches high, with movable arms and legs and a cape... He'll look great next to my Little Debbie Doll and her horse... Ahem.

Moving along... Make sure and mourn tomorrow for the anniversary of the death of Sol Friend (2003), the founder of En-Cor frozen foods.

(Sniff, sniff)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2008:

Defacing displays takes some nerve--it's

mostly done by thugs and by pervs, yet

if, 'cause mistake looms,

you change "who" to "whom"

is that crime--or more "public service"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2008:

Tabloid headline:

"Shiloh's Chipped Tooth"

In case you needed a reminder that the human race is completely, utterly doomed...

Okay, with Old Media in big trouble, and like most entrenched industries, likely to prove UNABLE to change in the right ways and to go right down the crapper... You'd think they'd concentrate on the one major reason that people STILL turn to them--as a source of REAL news, perhaps by focusing on the real-time available with the Internet and such--and not waste time chasing too much of the fluff angle, which the Internet and bloggers and such are gonna beat them at every time, right?

From the Chicago Sun-Times' "Must Clicks: 3 Things You Can't Miss Today @suntimes.com":

"We're Bloggin' on 'Idol' and 'Dancing'"

We've said it before...and have a feeling we're gonna say it a whole lot more, figuring that since the times, they are a' changin', we might as well get on with it:

Die, Old Media, die!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2008:

The headline read, "Shiloh's Chipped Tooth,"

read from Maine, L.A. to Duluth.

Though normal, at face,

hope for human's race

's'like Lincoln--headline, John Wilkes Booth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2008:

A lawyer for that polygamist sect in Texas, which was engaged in marrying-off and having sex with girls aged 14 and perhaps younger, claims that searching the sect's temple is analogous to searching the Vatican.

Pfft. C'mon! It's not like the Catholic Church engages in the systematic abuse of children!

Er... Well, maybe he DOES have a point...

Sports (NFL) headline:

"Favre: If Pack Needs Me, 'I Could Be Enticed' Back"

So, aging athletes are taking a cue from dinosaur musicians' "Farewell" tours...

'Nother headline:

"Pam Will Keep It Real: There Will Be 'Nothing Phony' About E! Reality Series"

Well, except for those ridiculous, cartoonish "breasts"...

News story excerpt:

"The president of the international body that governs Formula One racing, Max Mosley, is under pressure to resign after video documenting an orgy some describe as Nazi-themed surfaces on the Web..."

NAZI-THEMED ORGY?

What... We didn't know orgies generally HAD themes! Was there a, er, "landing strip" shaved horizontally ala The Moustache? Sexual positions with arms and legs forming a swastika? Or was it the banter: "I'm gonna stuff your little Love Jew in my Love Oven"?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/11/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Poems Into the Void

Okay, here's what you do:

You meet a chick somewhere. (Or a guy, if you're so oriented.) You get her number and/or e-mail. Now, the only condition here is that you don't get immediate response. No call back, no return e-mail, no plans for a date or what-have-you.

So you start e-mailing a little poem a day. Don't be TOO lovey, of course, ya' stalkers; don't get too dirty... Well, you're on your own there. But send a little poem a day, about how you want to date her/him, or just about silly things.

Soon, you'll truly be "Entertaining Yourself." For a while, anyway... And you won't even care about your original goal of landing a date. Well, you will, but... It can still prove entertaining.

Can't guarantee you any other results, but... Frustration has never been so much fun!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2008:

Chick said, "Hey, let's switch underwear!"

(Thought guy'd not take un-manly dare.)

He learned, though felt funny,

she looked strange, wrong undies--

but looked best with no undies there!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2008:

Okay, you know how Craig's List operates on an "everybody helps out" basis? You can flag ads as scams, or as "miscategorized"?

Well... I haven't done my part. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) I admit it.

I was combing the job ads, specifically "office/admin" (just THINKING about them now; but the situation was getting grim until recently), and I saw a "miscategorized" posting...but did nothing about it.

"Load Coordinator," obviously, should be under the "Adult" section...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2008:

So Brett Favre's retirement's impure;

he'll bite on return to fame lure

and play yet some more--

like rock dinosaurs

and their bogus-ass "farewell" tours!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2008:

Deck headline, regarding the American Airlines massive flight-grounding fiasco:

"250,000 Marooned: Airline CEO Takes Blame as Some Point to FAA"

A CEO? Taking blame?

Just goes to show ya', Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that you need not look to Virgin Mary-imaged grilled cheeze sandwiches on eBay for the REAL miracles in life...

Breaking news:

Although we're proud Chicagoans, we don't want the Olympics here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will increase income, perhaps even help bolster our Third World public transportation system (take note, you corrupt Olympics administrative fucks), but... Well, that tax money would mostly be wasted by our Olympic-level crooks in the city council and Cook County Board, thus it won't help us one bit, and it'd be a disaster with all the extra tourists wandering around in their loud clothing and all.

Screw the Chicago Olympic Bid!...

This just in... Okay:

Yeah, the Tiger Woods deal is exciting. He's a Michael Jordon of sorts, to the sport, while at the same time a Jackie Robinson... But:

Golf is still watching-paint-dry boring.

Make it a contact sport, add some cheerleaders, SOMETHING, and maybe we'll reconsider...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/13/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Bill's Donald Duck

I remember well the first time my high school best friend got laid.

Hey--I remember the first time I got laid, too, which was a couple months to come after this event but... This was WEIRD.

Bill's parents were out-of-town. So we each rounded up chicks and brought 'em to his place. He was upstairs in his room, I was downstairs workin' it on the couch.

I'd been dating my chick for some time. He...well, hadn't. Although I gather that she'd liked him for some time, as HE got laid and I didn't.

I was still trying to get somewhere with my girl when Bill came flying down the stairs, jumping around, impersonating a duck (arms bent, hands tucked under the armpits, flapping arms up and down)--and quacking. His Donald Duck was spot-on.

It was his way of expressing intense glee. He'd lost his virginity.

He did this for at least five minutes. It was very funny.

Me and my Lady had much amusement. But no sex...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/13/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: I lava you

 

Falling out in slow motion;

everyone else has better stories

about losing their way.

They have the added romance of

dark streets and stupid drugs

and real horror mixed with joy.

 

Or they hitch their fury up

to guitars and drums and blast away,

blast away the faces in the crowd

that are as inevitable as the next scream

from the stage. Or they don't show it

and become trapped in their lives;

remarkable how ordinary they seem.

 

But I can make rent every month,

my job is unfulfilling yet still creative,

and my only bad habit is buying so much music

(and loneliness, loneliness),

music that is not all fury all the time.

Golden and red and ever-shifting.

And I feel like part of the lava.

I can just burn over all of my problems,

leaving scorched heaps as solutions.

 

It's a sweet, spiked fantasy

that never fails to hold me while it's on.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2008:

Like Mike Jordan, Tiger near flies--

within his sport, All-Time Top Guy!

But, though golf's at height it

can't get me excited--

sport's STILL much like watching point dry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2008:

Here's today's lesson as to why Old Media is destined to die:

Those checks that Bush is giving out? You know, to allegedly kick-start the economy, although most everybody's gonna save the money or use it to pay off debt (except for many members of the Ridiculously Poor who, unfortunately, will blow it, to little, if any, overall economic effect)?

Well, those are officially named Economic Stimulus Checks and while the names is a fact, and objectivity is always important in journalism, they should at LEAST be referred to in print as "Economic Stimulus Checks," if not outright Approval Rating Stimulus Checks...

Major League Baseball is set to unveil a line of coffins, emblazoned with the logo of your favorite team.

Which seems ridiculous. And yet, somehow, it seems just right concerning the Chicago Cubs...

Plea goin' out to The Ladies:

There are actually CONTESTS for the video game, "Guitar Poseur"...er, "Guitar Hero."

Really.

People...er, let's call a sausage fest a sausage fest--GUYS will spend SOO much time getting "good" at the game that they could've freakin' learned to ACTUALLY play a freakin' SONG or two on a REAL guitar.

All things considered, this trend could destroy our entire culture and even humanity itself.

So, Ladies... Do NOT, we repeat, DO NOT give up any lovin', in any way shape of form, to a guy who plays "Guitar Hero." Perhaps you don't have to be TOLD that, as I don't picture these dweeb meisters to be ladies men in any way shape or form but...well, considering the kinds of guys you DO usually go for... Ahem:

Sex boycott for "Guitar Hero" players. You have your orders...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2008:

Chicks' unified rules (like loose coven)

dub some guys, "don't dates"--all above 'em.

For once, use your "Lists"

with Greater Good twist--

"Guitar Hero" play'rs? Cut off lovin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2008:

Just learned, through a newspaper story about an unfortunate laboratory fire, that the University of Illinions-Chicago has as "Drug Discovery Program."

Then again, although it's odd that they've made it so official and all, EVERY college has a "Drug Discovery Program" going on in its dorms...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2008:

Now, coffins with baseball team themes

are MLB's latest cash scheme.

Though seems out of hand

makes sense, for Cubs fans--

'cause, living, won't see Series team!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2008:

Maybe the International Olympic Committee would look favorably upon the "Free Tibet" protesters if they found a corporate sponsor.

Better yet--uncover steroid use among the Chinese soldiers beating 'em!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/16/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: So Many Cooks, So Little Brew to Spoil

As with many professions, the culinary world sees thousands, perhaps millions of graduates each year and a mere sliver actually end up employed in the field, much less as actual chefs.

One current student is my current renter/roommate. And, yeah, it's perhaps risky writing about him, despite not naming him but... He doesn't strike me as a Slapper Yappper Grasshopper type so... Well, I sincerely HOPE he succeeds, and succeeds wildly, but I'm already pegging him to be among the non-chef, chef-degreed masses--and his classes just started.

Now, there are a number of traits necessary to become a success in any field. And an individual can fail on a number of those counts--even, perhaps, fail miserably and/or on some of the more important ones--and still be a success. There's an equation that could be worked up, I'm sure but... Couple facts:

He lives in Chicago.

Good taste, and enjoyment of good foods, is tantamount to pleasing others through the pleasures of food.

He regularly orders Domino's Pizza. This wasn't a fluke. He ordered it once, thought maybe he saw the place close-by, being new to the neighborhood and all but... Now, there's a Domino's magnet on the fridge with the delivery/carry-out number for the Domino's nearby. Not to mention that it's NOT even the closest pizza outlet--and a number are within close walking distance; not to mention that the delivery areas would possibly include dozens, perhaps a hundred more.

Did I mention that he lives in Chicago?

Now, how much faith would YOU have in a wannabe chef who, say... Visited Mexico City and ate at Taco Bell all the time?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2008:

For "Stimulus" checks we're now waiting

which, mostly, will be masturbating!

It's "boosting" won't be

for economy--

but for Dubya's approval ratings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2008:

Headline:

"Programmer Sets Up Girlfriend's Video Game to Pop Question"

Wow. Proposals don't get more romantic than that outside...well, a Star Trek convention...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2008:

The Chinese gov, acting upon stir,

from, to them, the "Free Tibet Monster,"

beats folks wild and free

and the IOC

might care if protests had corp. sponsor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2008:

Headline on a column from the Chicago Sun-Times' Lynn Sweet, a Hillary "Focus Group" Clinton supporter:

"Rough Night: Obama Treated Like Front-Runner With Questions Going Back to State Senate Days"

Well. I suppose it IS wrong to throw front-runner treatment at an...obvious front-runner?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/18/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Glasko

Glasko is... Hmm. I think, as Worst Music Critic on the Planet, that it might be better to return to the "one-phrase" music review on this one:

Full-bodied, unique rockin'--with a copiously large and delicious side order of chicks.

http://www.myspace.com/glaskomusic

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2008:

A girlie who was a huge flirt

went on dinner date in short skirt

with a well-known sinner.

When he finished dinner

he flipped up the skirt for dessert!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2008:

Quote from Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn, at a funeral for an Illinois Iraq war soldier's funeral:

"The hardest thing to do is lose a child, but that's God's will."

Er, Pat? In this case, it's actually George W. Bush's will--and the three or four blinded-by-partisanship nimrods still supporting this ass-brained war...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2008:

Olympics might not be so coy

'bout Tibet protests--'least annoyed

if not changing tune--

if Chinese gov goons

turned out to be on...(gulp) STEROIDS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2008:

It's common in the media these days to refer to Web sites like MySpace and Face Book as...well, wouldn't it be more appropriate to call them "ANTI-social networking" sites?

The battle against euphemism never ends...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/20/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Listen to Your Cats

Now, I don't mean literally "listen," although they may be saying something with a "meow" or other noise, too, but... Oh, and today's lesson may apply to pets other than cats, namely dogs but perhaps others, though I'm just speaking from experience here so... Ahem:

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, I rent out the spare room(s) in my condo so I can afford the place--and I recently took-on a new roommate. One of my cats, Millie, came out and said "hello," in a way, to the current renter/roommate when he was first visiting the place--and I took that to be a "good" sign. So far, Millie seems to be right--and I'm expecting her advice to hold up in the long-term, too.

But I'm specifically concerned with my cats' reactions to chicks. Chicks I'm interested in...er, courting, that is.

I dated this chick, many moons ago now and... Well, she's was a raving nutball, let's just leave it at that. When she was over at my place, once, my cat at the time, Natasha (Bast rest her soul), simply ATTACKED her. Oh, Natasha remained civilized in a way--she didn't go balls-out wild or anything--but she really took a dislike to the bitch, clawing and biting her and coming back to do it again after being shooed away.

Turns out... Oh, it's a topic for another Sunday Story Time--in fact, I think I've already written this kookball up... But, oh, was Natasha right about that chick!

Now, cats can prove helpful with...er, courtship in other ways. Once, there was a dame I really wanted to...er, romance and Natasha, again, come out and sat on my knee while said dame was visiting. I got laid and later learned that, when the dame saw that Natasha sat on my knee and I didn't shoo her away, she figured, "He MUST be a nice and sensitive guy, not shooing away his cat!"

The dame in question eventually became my wife, to boot. Then my ex-wife, but... Well, she fooled ME, she fooled my family and friends... I guess cats can't get much deeper than first impressions.

So don't discount your pets' opinions when...er, courting. The animal in them can help feed the animal in you!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/20/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Rosy

 

Don't touch that rose.

She's not ready yet.

She's hiding far back in the bush,

and takes so much water and shit

to grow.

 

Her scent is maddening:

the surface is summer and spring,

the promise of comfort and lazy slumber,

understanding and love;

over that the heady aromas

of stamen and pistil, stamen and pistil;

and below, blood --

 

I've caught myself on her sticky thorns,

her protection, those phallic keepaways,

so often I no longer notice the damage.

My seeping thumb, not exactly a green thumb.

 

If she needs to be taken down,

turned back into the soil

to grow a hardier, more beautiful plant,

I won't complain. Better that than the

marshy, colorless blooms that bloom

around my feet.

 

Friends and old lovers seem to have

no trouble finding new gardeners,

or making something beautiful

with what they have. These are skills

that have passed me by, and it's something

they don't understand.

They don't need to.

 

Hanging onto the anger

of the spurned (almost

five months now) because

I fear nothing,

 

(I fear nothing?)

 

nothing else to hold.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2008:

MySpace and Face Book hit such heights

they've their own term, though...not quite right.

See, term that's been bade

don't call spade a "spade"--

ANTI-"social networking sites"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2008:

Today marks the anniversary of the Red Baron's death.

World War I German flying ace?

S'ppose it's too much to ask Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to have much knowledge of history. Much less knowing WHO finally shot the Red Baron down...

Okay, okay. It was Snoopy...

We have a killer concept. Not much on the order of details--but an awe-inspiring concept, nonetheless:

The porn-fo-mercial!...

This just in (Chief Limericist checking in, too):

Amy Poehler?

I'd pole 'er!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2008:

With TV airwaves, it occurs, full,

with infomercials, product-place bull,

I think time is now

for brilliant cash cow--

the unveiling of "porn-fo-mercials"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2008:

Headline:

"UFO hunter backing Hillary Clinton"

Ahhh. So THAT was the purpose of the "sniper" tall tale. Courting the not-in-touch-with-reality demographic...

The Brits are changing some old-world, traditional laws that most deem sexist.

They will soon allow women to take the throne if they are indeed the eldest child, whereas for centuries they'd defer to any male progeny.

It's a big deal, 'cross the pond. After all, such a progressive move will affect .000001 percent of the population...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2008:

See her, and I'm grindin' my molars--

yet to Amy, tippin' my bowler

to be gentleman...

But Ms. Poehler's, friend,

so damn hot that, must say: I'd pole 'er!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2008:

It's really amusing, watching Old Media in their attempts to capture and keep readers as they circle the toilet bowl of the Internet Age.

We, of course, often point-out the silliness of the Chicago Sun-Times in this quest. It's nothing personal--in fact, we far prefer the Sun-Times to its competitor, the Chicago "We-Want-to-Control-All-the-Media-in-the-World-and-Will-Lobby-the-FCC-Excessively-to-Do-It-Mooo-Ha-Ha-Ha!" Tribune--but ironically, as supporters, we know the paper and its latest doings well, so end up giving it more than its fair share of bashing.

The latest hare-brained scheme? A "Scratch 2 Win" game.

Now, who buys a newspaper, or anything really, simply to gain a chance of winning money comparable to the chance of being hit by lightning?

Oh. The coveted riffraff demographic...

Speaking of chowderheads, we like to think of ourselves as a bit more knowledgeable than average for regularly keeping up with the news. But we noticed a while back some "Letters to the Editor" upset about editorials perceived to bash writers' stance as Creationists. (Who knew Creationists were literate?)

That is, they believe that the world was actually created in six days, folks lived 300 years, etc. Perhaps, too, that the Easter Bunny provided the first human egg cells.

An interesting wake-up call as to the company we keep in following the news. Although we're a little confused... Why follow the news, aka "facts," when you really prefer to invent your own reality, anyway, facts be damned?...

Oh, and Sun-Times folks... "We're Blogging on 'American Idol'"? This kinda stuff has us considering CANCELLING subscriptions.

Yeah, we harp on these points all the time. Should probably accept it. Lame ol', lame ol'...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/23/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Salt Pork

Salt pork is chiefly used as an ingredient--that is, folks don't generally hanker down with a chunk of salt pork for dinner, or slap together a salt pork sandwich.

I've not experimented with the culinary wonders of salt pork. Although I'm about to...tonight, I think. (While I've had my eye on the stuff in the grocery store for years, I only bought a chunk one other time and... Well, I forgot it was in the back of the fridge and it went bad. Near sinful, I know.)

The point of this all is... Well, if you have an inkling to do something culinary, do it. Which is a good philosophy for life in general and not just the culinary, too. For instance... Never did-up an Asian chick? Go out and pursue that! Or... Well, ladies, never, say, had your toes sucked? Well then... We're sensing a theme emerging here and it's not culinary, so, later!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2008:

Old Media, over hill rolls.

In try'n to crawl out of its hole...

on "Idol" they're blogging?

Seems fatal, self-flogging

with "new" takes on "lame old, lame old."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2008:

After making most of the typical talk show rounds, word is the presidential candidates will be considering appearances on the likes of "American Idol."

It's probably silly to continue griping about the sinking Lowest Common Denominator but... Are they all aware that 14-year-olds can't vote?...

Speaking of focus groups, does anybody else get the impression that when...er, if Hillary Clinton DOESN'T get the Dem nomination, she'll slay Obama at the convention and try to claim it THAT way?...

Oh, and there's been talk that Hillary's only come this far politically because she's Bill Clinton's wife--an arguable contention. Assuming that to be so... Considering Bill's dalliances, she apparently hasn't even done a good job of that...

(Although, to be fair, maybe she has some sort of "bedroom focus group")...

In yesterday's paper, we found a special, "Earth Day" edition of that publication unworthy of wiping Paris Hilton's ass, USA Weekend. (From the publishers of McPaper, USA Today.)

First of all... It came out a DAY AFTER Earth Day. Oh, but it's dated April 21-24... Secondly, they really killed their selves to produce such an important, special issue--with a whole 16 pages... Well, eight at best, with ads... Regarding the edition's "tips"...well, you'd learn more reading the back of kids' cereal boxes and... Ahem:

If you are, in any way, shape or fashion, utilizing this glorified snotrag to feel smug about your "greenness" (and, again, we hate the germ)... Why not do something more tangible to save the planet? Like wearing a green wristband or putting a green ribbon on your bumper sticker...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2008:

Some say Hillary's where she's at

because she wears "Wife of Bill" hat--

now running for pres.

seems Bill's diddling says

ain't done good job even at THAT!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2008:

Now, Daily Limerick does not want to encourage spam in any way, shape or manner, but... Well, credit's due where credit's due.

And one "Latnerman's" subject proclaims:

"Ejaculate and shoot over a mile"

Now, we didn't OPEN the e-mail in question. And, honestly, we really don't need that ability--really, wouldn't WANT that happening, as a slew of problems would arise... Although it would make a good party trick, depending on the type of parties you frequent...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/25/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Heard

The Heard is a hip-hop collective, with...four guys, I think, and two chicks--and a diverse bunch, at that. Black and white; torn-clothing-near-metal-lookin' to a guy who always wears a tie. There a chick who throws her near-operatic voice over the festivities, as well, with (gotta be dyed) bright red hair and the overall look of a muscular-yet-sexy, real-life Raggedy Ann, without the overall or whatever the hell that doll wears. (In case that comes off wrong, I find her ridiculously titillating.)

It's wild and delightful. Plus, I'm an idiot when it comes to hip-hop knowledge, but even I can tell it's an original take on the genre. As far as songs... Well, "Dr. Dick Love" regularly makes its way into the frightening confines of my head.

So...yeah. There ya' go:

http://www.myspace.com/heardchicago

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/25/2008:

> Hey Babe,

>

> Did you know that may 12th is National Limerick Day?

>

> TFH

Hmmm. Didn't know that.

Two months before Daily Limerick's Birthday--July 12.

So with the Chief Limericist's birthday nestled in there, that's two months of high holidays. Kinda like Easter.

So we should be working on throwing together some nonsensical, non sequitur crap for the whole fandango--you know, like a savior figure being hideously killed and coming back as undead, colored eggs brought by non-egg-laying rabbits--that kinda hokum...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2008:

It's springtime and more-ziz is less-ziz;

chicks' sandals and skin and spring dresses!

Reminds me anew

that, like barbecue,

the best things in life make big messes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2008:

I want a posse.

Oh. Chief Limericist. Checking in. Here. (In case you couldn't figure that out. Shitferbrains.)

I mean, I can get a group together. But a mere group does not a posse make.

And I can go out and find myself amongst a large group of friends and cohorts. A form of impromptu posse. Posse-like, at best. I don't have a posse I can summon and command at will.

No traditional posse.

And I don't want to hear from any of you bastards with your "experimental" posses, either...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2008:

With Dem nom. still up, this late day,

I wouldn't doubt that Hil will slay

Barack, 'mid the tension,

on floor of Convention--

and claim the prize REAL old school way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2008:

As a filthy-minded little boy (yes, the phrase is redundant), I remember when my or a friend's mother would say, "Don't BUT me!" (referring, of course, to when she told you to do something and you protested, beginning with, "But...")--and it'd make me giggle. That'd be sick. Should go without sayin'.

Then again, on those rare occasions when my friend Jimmy's mother would say to ME, "Don't BUT me!"... Well, it seemed a shame. I sure as hell CRAVED "butting" here...

Happy Extra Cheezy... Er, guess it's not Saturday now. In any event...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/27/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Chuck and The Marvelous Marijuana Smoking Machine

From the time I was 18 and into my early 20s, I was a hopeless stoner.

Well, perhaps not hopeless, as I survived and am not a stoner today, not to mention all my accomplishments including...er, well, I...er... Anyway, I was the type of stoner who ended up "converting" non-stoners.

Now, I wasn't evangelical about the stuff. In fact, I actively avoided pushing pot on anybody--when I WAS approached by a wannabe pot smoker, I would even ask them if they were SURE they wanted to do it. (Although, truth be told, that was partially because I didn't need more people moochin' my stash.)

And yet... I had a reputation. Might've had something to do with the omnipresent wisp of hoochy fog escaping from beneath our dorm room door. Thus, numerous marijuana virgins came to me for a deflowerin'.

One such character, Chuck, ended up becoming a full-on pot fiend.

One day, Chuck summoned us to his dorm room for a "hit." Little did we suspect the stoner wonderland within: a number of two-liter soda bottles and other containers, complete with smoke-cooling water, attached via pieces of thin plastic tubing... A hit off Chuck's Marvelous Marijuana Smoking Machine sent the smoke, from its source, upon a veritable roller coaster ride on its way to the tube one would actually mouth--netting a gargantuan hit that nonetheless went down cool and smooth.

My first pull off the Marvelous Marijuana Smoking Machine, however, was tainted, as joker boy filled the bowl with cayenne pepper. For the first few seconds, the hit seemed normal but then... Well, it burned like the day after an unprotected tryst with Paris Hilton.

Despite the cayenne pepper trick, it was difficult to hold a grudge against Chuck. He was a happy-go-lucky, personable kinda guy. And... Well.

He had the Marvelous Marijuana Smoking Machine in his dorm, you know...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/27/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Girl in (or against) the mirror

 

The girl sits by the window the same

way she sits in front of the mirror.

Quizzically, wondering, sometimes delighted,

sometimes amused, but often confused.

What are on the minds of those people outside?

And can that face really be mine? Do I and my

mirror counterpart really share the same things?

 

We forget we're looking at ourselves in reverse --

a mole on the right cheek is really on the left;

that part in the hair is falling the opposite way.

A strange thing about her is she never forgot,

she could visualize herself correctly,

so photos were never a shock, the angles

never showed anything she didn't understand.

 

But for all her visual dexterity, she had trouble

recognizing the face as hers. Touching her skin

was not a double-sensation in the mirror: it simply

felt like her own hand on her own cheek, and the hand

and the cheek in the mirror were not felt at all.

 

That was the shock for her when taking a new lover:

suddenly, the mirror came to life, was life.

This counterpart didn't look like her, but he

knew where to touch, mostly. He knew where

to touch so the reflection in her mind doubled.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/27/2008:

Now, this letter is a reply to our reply to the nutloaf's original letter. We encourage that, as mail is a good thing, and yet... Frankly, it frightens us on some level at the same time.

Anyway:

> Someday National Limerick Day will be July 12th.  The day after they put the

> Bush family in Guantanamo.

>

> T/FH

You heard it here first: The Bush family will be put in Guantanamo on July 11, the day before Daily Limerick's anniversary.

Sounds about right. Another event to nip our Publicity Gravy Train in the bud...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2008:

Lately, in the "Letters to Ed."

"Creationist" rants I have read--

claim news 'gainst them biased.

Why, so blindly pious,

e'en bother with "news," near-brain-dead?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2008:

An amusement park described as "like Disneyland" is being planned for downtown Baghdad, with Iraqi managers...but financed by American investors.

Here's an idea--build the parking lots as big circles surrounding the park itself, alternately painted red and white, with the park itself in the center as a big, red target...er, attraction...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2008:

Strange, Slick Bill looks outside coop

to get him some boppity-boop

When you'd think, for Bill,

that Capitol Hil

would have a bedroom focus group!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2008:

President Bush is calling on the nation's 80 million recreational boaters to help patrol U.S. coasts for possible terror attacks, as a form of "neighborhood watch" program.

Seems we don't have the budget to patrol our expansive coasts, making them an easy target.

Hmmm... Wonder why we don't have the money for such an important task? Why, it's almost as if some butt-stupid operation, unrelated to real terror threats against the U.S., is siphoning billions away or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2008:

Having hit most talk shows of note

pres. hopefuls seek circuit non-rote.

Hope they don't rush tidal

to "'Merican Idol"

for fifteen-year-olds cannot vote!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2008:

So... Miley Cyrus' nude-but-non-goods-showing Vanity Fair photo is, of course, causing a hubbub among those who give a shit.

Let's take inventory, here. Gyrating around and dolling herself up to spur guilt-inducing boners among the fathers of her 'tween girl fans is all fine and dandy. Just don't show...(shudder) SHOULDER!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/30/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Simple Grocery Industry Environmental Solution

I love the grocery store. It's a hopeful place, bringing you a vision of meals yet to come--and occasionally flirtation with fellow shoppers, bringing you the vision of... Well, meals yet to come.

Lately, grocery stores have come under fire for using those plastic bags, which proliferate, don't decompose quickly and, in general, mess-up the environment even more than we've already messed it up.

Knowing, as good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should, that you can't rely on individual good deeds to do squat for the overall Earth picture, I have to begrudgingly say that it's up to the grocery stores to solve the plastic bag problem--and not by putting out recycling bins for the bags, as that just prompts the 1 percent that'll use them to pump-up their "better than everyone else" attitude.

I might even allow that Big Mother governments like San Fran's get a pass with their "Force Our Smug Lifestyle on the Unwashed Masses" style of law-making in requiring grocery stores to lose the plastic bags... But there's a way to avoid even that.

The answer lies in paper bags. They're not only readily recyclable but also quickly degradable. However, I actually give extra points to the big-city, not-helping-much-but-smug-about-it crowd for utilizing this option, at least if they don't shop with a car, because it's a bitch carrying paper bags on public transportation.

The answer is simple and we're surprised nobody in the grocery industry has thought of it. (Well, thinking about our Moron Majority, maybe I'm not so surprised.)

The answer is HANDLES ON PAPER BAGS.

And not the rare handles I've stumbled across that break if you're carrying a bag of feathers.

THICK FREAKIN' HANDLES ON PAPER BAGS.

Case solved. Now, somebody nominate Daily Limerick for the Nobel Peace Prize...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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