Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2008:

Obama's World Tour's got a whole

lot of hipsters giving it soul.

Great! But don't forgets

that it's politics--

sure ain't sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 345 Days to Go...

Biographies of John McCain and Barack Obama will be released this fall--presented in comic book form.

Haven't seen any advance releases, so can't vouch for the factuality of them. But they've hit one truth on the head: Anybody who can obtain that level of mass political appeal is certainly a cartoon character of SOME sort...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/1/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rich Experience

His musical weapon of choice is the once popular, now under-utilized "keytar." You know, a keyboard fashioned in a guitar shape. He sings and plays tunes about his life, or Rich's Experiences, focusing a lot on his day job testing food products.

Orange chicken, anyone? Make that orange COLORED chicken?

This cat's worked KFC's "Eleven Herbs and Spices," although the wasn't invited into the Colonel's Secret Inner Circle. (Doesn't know The Eleven, that is.)

His music's humorous, yet informative, given its topics--and occasionally dramatic, too. Oh, and as a live act, he's fun as hell, always up for kazoo tom fooleries--

http://www.myspace.com/richexperience

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2008:

There was a young, eager intern;

for all sorts of knowledge, she yearned.

Knowledge set her free;

not much toward degree--

but 'bout all things carnal, she learned!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 344 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Georgia Town Buys Strip Club for $1 Million"

Wow. Must feature a helluva friction dance there...

Ahem. We don't know, mind you, what a friction dance even IS, of course...but Fred the Intern's always telling stories...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2008:

When Internet fails, you're resigned

to call service, hold for long time.

Hold voice has the nerve

to urge the absurd:

For fast service, please go online!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 343 Days to Go...

The Feds believe they have finally nabbed the post-Sept. 11 anthrax mailer.

Of course they nail even HIM before Osama bin Laden...

Then again, they'll conclusively name Jack the freakin' Ripper before we catch OBL, at least under the current system of invading countries that didn't have dick to do with anything...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/3/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Well, Um... Sunday Story Time...

...Is, yes, again taking the week off.

For Elvis' sake--first there's the incident I've yet to tell you about, supplementing the next "real" Sunday Story Time...THEN I lost hours upon hours thanks to the DSL modem gone wrong this week (have I mentioned how much fun it is going through dial-up, too?)... I could go on but, oh, the humanity!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/3/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Your basic poem about alienation

 

He runs his fingers down the wall,

lying back in bed, reaching out

to touch the imaginary faces

in the texture. Beyond the

confines of the wall, something

he tries not to think too heavily about:

real faces, real people --

 

though they are very hard to ignore,

filling the street with talk and laughter.

He half-smiles at the differences

between them and him, though he's not sure

 

where the joke lies.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2008:

Feds solved the case of the attacks

post nine-one-one, mail with anthrax.

Of course, solved that puzzle

fore bin Laden's muzzled--

forgot him, hit non-linked Iraq.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 342 Days to Go...

A federal judge has refused to toss out a wrongful death lawsuit against CNN's Nancy Grace.

See, Melinda Duckett was under intense suspicion regarding the disappearance of her son. Duckett was thus forced...er, voluntarily went on Grace's show and...surprise, surprise...the questions were a bit tough on Duckett. Grace then fatally shot Duckett...er, no, double-checking facts, it appears that Duckett shot herself and...well, the suit alleges that Duckett's suicide is Grace's fault.

Personal fault, for ANYTHING, is SOOO last century, you know...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2008:

Barack, McCain bios come soon--

in comic book form, its twist/boon.

Makes sense to compare

but to noms, ain't fair,

for fav'rite characters from 'toons!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 341 Days to Go...

So, on one hand, the voting public is always moaning about negative campaign attacks.

But--and this scenario plays it self out over and over, every election--McCain has been engaging in such attacks on Obama and...Obama's lead in the polls is now virtually wiped-out.

So... Has the voting public truly been date-raped by mudslinging--or are we wrongfully implicating the messenger in a hopeless bid to counter our reputation as sheep-like knuckleheads?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2008:

Hot August, we bitch, "Bring on fall!"

Late winter, "Bring spring on--don't stall!"

Hey, "Live for today's"

my mantra, I say...

But I'm human... Falling leaves call!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 340 Days to Go...

Deck headline, including a quote from one of America's Big Mother-Stokin' "Experts"--

"High-Calorie Kids' Meals: 'America's Chain Restaurants are Setting Parents up to Fail'"

Funny. We missed news of the law requiring families to eat at chain restaurants for every meal...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/6/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: After-tizers

Today's title is also the name of a new culinary phenomenon I've dreamed up.

You have appetizers BEFORE you eat the main course; after-tizers AFTER you eat the main course.

It's different than dessert. It's more like discovering you can toss down a few more jalopeno poppers or something.

Perhaps I'm a bit optimistic, already labeling it a "phenomenon." (Perhaps not, judging by the size of the average American.) In any event... Go on out and spread the word!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/6/2008:

Regarding Wednesday's Limerick about us catching the Anthrax Mail Killer Dude before Osama bin Laden:

> Did you forget? We have him.

And then a news story is quoted:

> "Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright told

> Fox News Channel analyst Morton Kondracke yesterday

> she suspects President Bush knows the whereabouts

> of Osama bin Laden and is simply waiting for the

> most politically expedient moment to announce his

> capture."

Hmm... Where to start with this?

Um... Well, that's why we here at Daily Limerick have long said...well, have said...okay, are saying now, "Just say 'no' to partisan and say 'yes' to parmesan."

Or... Wait. The food section's finished for the week.

Anyway, you get the idea...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2008:

I try not to write 'bout election

as themes for my Limerick reflection.

But with most news focused

on that hocus-pocus,

it's either that or my erection!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 339 Days to Go...

Do rappers and NBA stars eat bling cherries?

Ahem.

Slow news day, you could say...

Okay, okay. So Chinese cops have ALREADY roughed-up foreign journalists during the Olympics Season--two Japanese reporters.

Ahh, nothing like the Olympics to bring a positive shine to the whole world!

What? It's not like they beat CORPORATE SPONSORS or anything...

You know what the greatest milestone reached in this presidential election so far?

Not the black nominee part. Although that's pretty impressive. But the fact that, in Obama's one book, he admits to using both marijuana AND cocaine!

Sure, he makes double damn sure to dub it "youthful indiscretion" and brief, but we've come a step further than the ridiculous Bill Clinton "smoked marijuana but didn't inhale" poppycock.

Where do these viable presidential candidates come from, if these are the best "indiscretions" they can dig up. Isn't it basically normal now for someone to at LEAST spend one year of college bong-adled?...

And, locally, the Chicago Bears have joined the War on Fun by banning tailgate partying at their stadium, Soldier Field--a long-standing tradition and the only legitimate options for most fans, seeing as the cost of taking one's family to a game is now in the realm of yacht-buying.

See the slippery slope a team descends after cutting the cheerleaders?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2008:

Olympics: The great equalizer!

Whole world civilized, acting wiser.

New sense of what's right--

the whole world unites

beneath corp'rate sponsors like Pfizer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 338 Days to Go...

Daily Limerick told ya' so.

Yep. We told you that, deep down, this country is more sexist than it is racist and we'd see a black major party nominee before we'd see a woman--just as blacks obtained the right to vote before women.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah, nyaaaaaah, nyahhhh!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/8/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Syrup Eddies

These guys are ridiculously talented and... Full disclosure: They played as House Band for the Evening for my live variety/talk show (to be Webcast; see Sloop Central, ya' bastards). But I wouldn't have picked 'em unless they were top notch.

As the World's Worst Music Critic, I'll just describe them as... Country/folk/rockabilly type musicians. Able to handle the needs of, say, a variety talk show--and play a kick-ass version of my own "Fireworks, Cheeze 'n' Porn" without ever having practiced directly with me. (For that tune...well. Sloop Central. Bastards.)

They have a self-titled debut CD out. Highly recommended.

Oh, and they occasionally use an accordion or slide whistle! What's not to love? Hell--what's not to feel utter delight over:

http://www.syrupeddies.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2008:

A chick's 'tude toward men was a'droopin';

took chaste vow for while--sex pooh-poopin'.

But from vow retreated;

found just what she needed--

a full-on, magnificent Sloopin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 337 Days to Go...

Headline:

"26 Cheerleaders Get Stuck in Elevator"

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

A rather sick, adult-oriented sitcom is now in my head. No further daydreaming material needed today...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2008:

Obama trumped Hil; fore did know.

As with voting, Blacks-fore-chicks flow.

This country's, at nexus,

less racist than sexist--

proud to say, "DL told ya' so!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 336 Days to Go...

The old saying, "Love is never having to say you're sorry"? A chick came up with that.

Because, from the other side of the sexual divide, "Love is CONSTANTLY having to say you're sorry...and not always knowing WHAT you're saying sorry FOR"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/10/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Guess What?

...Sunday Story Time is taking the week off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the third week in a row. But I'm doing it for YOU, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Figuring you're stoked to read all about how the next topic ties-in to why I took that first week off to begin with. And, in all honesty, that saga is still going, so why write it up NOW?

Plus, I mentioned my DSL problem. That's still going on, too.

Leave me alone. Absence makes the loins grow fonder...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/10/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The bell's song

 

I don't.

 

Nowhere.

 

To beg.

 

In. (in.)

 

Have bells always said such things?

Shouldn't they brighten the afternoon,

salvage something kind for the people

on the streets or at sidewalk tables,

talking among themselves in a flutter

of conversational confetti? But sometimes

people get to the meat of things - I don't

know where to begin, the street-standers

and table-sitters might say,

before volleying into a long explanation

of their most recent fates.

 

Is the bell hanging in the stone tower

singing even if no one is listening?

Echoing words in the city all around it,

but with such solemnity and dignity.

Forgetting the fun that can be had in the din --

clong clong clong clong. Hey listen.

 

Hey listen, it says, and then a moment later,

when you turn to say, Yes, what is it?

Oh, never mind. You'll see.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2008:

Surely, adage, chick first parlayed it--

"Love's n'er saying sorry"? Must "nay" it!

For guys in love be

say'n it constantly--

and often not sure WHY they're say'n it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 335 Days to Go...

It's the most curious thing...can't imagine why... But we have real difficulties concentrating on men's gymnastics while finding women's gymnastics utterly fascinating.

Hmmm...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2008:

Both Russia and Georgia want more;

Bear saw move as an open door

to conquer more land.

The Ruskies' iron hand's

same threat as it was for Cold War.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 334 Days to Go...

Daily Limerick Special Olympic Report...

Okay, so we'll admit to feeling guilty about it but... Again, we're kinda turned-out by women's gymnastics.

Yes, they're very young. And some look ridiculously young--and we'll point out that THOSE chicks are NOT the source of the turn-on.

But the other chicks...and so limber and... Okay, if the Gods AREN'T taunting us with this, why is our favorite U.S. competitor bearing the dirty-thought-inducing name of "Nastia"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2008:

While watching the women's gymnasts, I, uh,

have something in pants at full mast-ia.

So young--curse the timber!

But they twist so limber...

I wanna put "nasty" in Nastia!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 333 Days to Go...

Many in City of Chicago government--and this is probably mirroring a trend nationwide--are lamenting that, in focusing on violent crime, Chicago police aren't spending as much time enforcing things like, say, parking violations.

The latter of which brings in more cash.

So... We think Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can ponder this one and come up with their own witticisms...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/13/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Change--Resist or Welcome

Went into a 7-11 yesterday and, on the hot sausage rack, spied...a cheezeburger.

But it was a sausage.

Ground beef, mixed, I'm guessing, with cheeze...but in a tubular shape to fit a hotdog bun. (Not an '80s tubular shape; the geometric form.)

Now, it's delightfully innovative...while at the same time, highly disturbing. It's...oh, let's just say that it launched a real emotional roller coaster within me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2008:

Big Mother gov'ment, South L.A.,

says to new fast-food rest'rants, "Nay!"

Blame Game's where it's at--

while tell kids so fat

to shut off vid games and go play?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 332 Days to Go...

Thank God for the blog industry! Why, these days, a freelance writer can spend hours upon hours of hard work writing for blogs and...well, while not necessarily being able to pay the bills, at least insure that he can always afford...dental floss...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2008:

So China shows World Spotlight twist.

For 'Lympics, they soften iron fist.

It wasn't o'er Games

but uprising tamed

that they beat those Jap journalists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 331 Days to Go...

It appears that China engaged a little lip-sync action during that grand Opening Ceremony to the Olympics.

And people are surprised? Haven't they been lip-syncing about "progress on civil rights" for the last decade or so?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/15/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Phaedra

Phaedra's a belly dancer. And like any good belly dancer--damn good, in this case--she moves in a hypnotic, almost unreal manner, which is delightful and titillating in itself... But in addition to the traditional belly dance routine, she mixes things up with some modern twists.

I'd like to comment more but... Well, I'm not much of an expert belly dance critic. In fact, this is my first foray into the realm.

In any event... Well, I'd give you a link, but, apparently, she doesn't have one. You can search her out on YouTube, though...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2008:

A fella, with chicks, was quite jaded;

so he vig'rously masturbated--

one summer so much

that fluids from self touch

could say made his meat marinaded!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 330 Days to Go...

Boy, we'd like to get into those "Traveling Pants," if ya' know what we mean...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2008:

Most pols are unreal dames and blokes--

Bill didn't inhale? What a joke!

Milestone this time 'round?

More normalcy found--

Obama admits doing coke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 329 Days to Go...

Does Britney Spears think the Video Music Awards are the freakin' Olympics or somethin'?...

Now news comes out that Julia Child spied for the U.S. government, for purposes of nabbing Nazis.

But... You know how there's an "attorney-client" privilege? And a "priest-worshipper" one, too, whereby anything you tell that person is a sacred secret, legally and otherwise?

Well... Any woman who brings you hot, good food... We're not talking about a woman who gives you sex, no matter how well--you can't trust most of them... But any woman who feeds you, why... Oh, the humanity!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/17/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Utter Uselessness of Condo Boards

...Okay, where were we?

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I missed a week a while back--thanks to my condo association. And that I took another week off because the situation prompting this theme--by no means an isolated incident; more like the final bale of hay to crack the camel's back in two--still was not resolved. And perhaps I lazied-off a week for good measure but... Nonetheless, I'm buckling down, really, in this case because the incident is STILL ongoing as I type this, so perhaps I could've let it slide still more. (Although I'm typing it a bit earlier than Sunday, so maybe the end of The Incident will play out by then; will let you know if anything's worthy of mention...or at least borderline worthy of mention, as is more like Daily Limerick's modus operandi.)

I've touched on the great Replace-the-Windows-So-They-All-Match debacle of two summers ago in this space, wherein we were to bear multiple, sweltering summer days with screen-removed windows closed so that the snotty fucks living in my complex can look out and see parity. (Because, of course, all the passersby were thinking, "Nice condos... But the courtyard windows don't match! How very gauche!") Which was made even more complicated for those of us with pets, as we couldn't leave screen-free windows open at all and... Ahem.

I'm not sure if I mentioned the newer condo rule requiring us to remove air conditioners for the winter months. Never mind that covers exist so you can close up holes for insulation purposes (we all operate on the same heating system, so energy saving might be an issue)... Once again, it's so very, very gauche, so we have to haul the fuckers up and down on a seasonal basis now.

Anyway, there's no shortage of examples belying my condo association's persnickety ass pains. This time around? On ridiculously short notice, we had to remove ALL of our stuff from our basement storage lockers, crowd ourselves to shit by placing what we didn't needlessly throw out into our units--and all so they can remove asbestos from basement pipes (whether or not those pipes passed through our storage; they did not for mine) so, of course, the rats down there won't get cancer.

Yeah, yeah. The asbestos removal should've been done years ago. It can get on our belongings and hurt people, too... But I ended up with less than a week's notice because, at first, there was rumor of a nod to convenience for owners by allowing us to move stuff from storage to the basement common areas for a day or two while they worked there, then back again, to make things easier but... Well, the convenience of condo owners is about the lowest priority among condo boards. Plus, it appears they have to make our lives a total living hell at least every other summer and this project filled the quota, for now. Oh, and they also gave us a storage clear-out deadline more than a week before the asbestos removal would even begin but... Well, you get the idea.

So my place, as I type, is reminiscent of the old sitcom "Sanford and Son." Not to mention the whole concept of... Well, I USE my storage space to store things that won't FIT in my actual living space. That's how the storage concept works. Making us move stuff from storage to the living space is like... Oh, the board is a bunch of villains out of a poor man's Orwell or Kafka or something.

Point is... You think those who go into local government are nightmare, pathetic, power-hungry, ego-maniacal, low-self-esteem-but-gotta-put-on-airs, locust-licking, wannabe sacks of shit with legs? Well, try the types who go into condo governance!

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who live in condos, or who may some day, take note: If you have any choice in the matter, it's much better to have a do-nothing board than an active bunch of lemur-jacking, ass-brained, scrotum-tugging... Well, condo association officers. Sure, somebody needs to keep track of association dues, make sure the garbage is taken away, the lawn mowed, the snow shoveled--and that's about it. But NOOOO. Give these infant-fisters a centimeter of power and... Ahem.

There's the damn story. Ya' happy now?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/17/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The a.m. hours are best at night

 

I like your soft songs

as much as the loud ones.

The loud ones say you've arrived.

The soft ones say you are safe

at your place of arrival.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/17/2008:

> Happy Birthday Madonna!

>

> The Material Girl turns 18,250 days old today (50 years old)....

That actually came in yesterday. So make that 18,251 days old.

Which, really, shocks us more than any of her recent "C'mon--be shocked by me again!" antics...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2008:

Lip-synching went one, it appears,

in Olympic op'ning so dear.

A shock, many think,

but China's lip-synched

'bout human rights progress for years!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 328 Days to Go...

Okay, I haven't went pun-silly on "help wanted" ads in a while so... Well, Craig's List served up a job op we could really enjoy:

"Load Planner"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2008:

Just made public--our Nazi spies

lists... Julie Child? Who'd surmise?

Though the cause was just

we've right to feel trust

in chicks who bring us homemade pies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 327 Days to Go...

Was emceeing a show in a bar/club this weekend (Chief Limericist checking in, here) and they had sports on the TV screens, volume turned down.

The bar has a separate room for the show, with its own large TV screens, and, at first, they were each playing different events--the Olympics on a couple, the Cubs game on another and the Bears' preseason game on still another.

However, just before the show starts, most of the screens in this performance room are changed to a closed-circuit feed--it's set-up so that, regardless of where you are in the room, or whether or not a column is blocking your view of the stage, you can see the bands (and me between acts!) performing via closed-circuit TV.

This left one screen for sports.

And they chose to show the Olympics.

I guess they figure international trumps local. And considering that more screens showed the Cubs than the Bears, I can surmise that the pecking order also says that the "real" season trumps exhibition season.

But I have a hint for all of you service-industry types faced with making such decision:

Football always trumps everything else. Okay, maybe not if, say, the Cubs (in this case) were in a playoff game but... The Olympics? Once every four years, yadda yadda yadda, but aren't we all just PRETENDING that it's exciting to watch, say, people's heads bopping up and down out of the water?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2008:

'Mid unflattering cov'rage and pics,

Britney thinks she has the career fix:

AGAIN seeks to play

at the VMAs...

What? Does she think they're the Olympics?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 326 Days to Go...

E-mail news update nugget:

"COLLEGE CHIEFS: LOWER DRINKING AGE. Presidents from about 100 of the nation's best-known universities say forcing students to wait until 21 encourages binge drinking"

What? Allow adults who can be sent off to die fighting for our country the right to intoxicate (which they're doing already)?

Since when do they think common sense will fly in our society?...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Am I wrong to giggle at job descriptions seeking "excellent oral skills"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/20/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: How Do You Get White Meat From A Fly?...

(Zzzzziiipp!)...

Okay, so it's more of a visual joke, but I think you get the picture...

And, of course, depending on your skin color, you might change "white meat" to "dark meat"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2008:

Some college chiefs say: Turn the page

on Pur'tan past; change drinking age,

2-1 to 18!

But that's near obscene--

common sense most folks does enrage!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 325 Days to Go...

Sorry, but there's just too much material in these "help wanted" ads, as exhibited in this snippet:

"We are looking for some bloggers to blog for a coffee fund raising site."

Coffee fund raising.

Now, fund raising, or fundraising, usually connotes soliciting charitable donations and approaching organizations and corporations for grant money.

Grant money...for coffee.

We can't totally pooh-pooh the idea. Our Chief Limericist, for instance has, as of late, been on job interviews where he was NOT offered the necessary-to-work beverage. So maybe times are THAT tough and businesses need grant money for coffee.

Or maybe the homeless or near-homeless are placing these ads. After all, their most common plea for funds cites the need to purchase coffee...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2008:

Olympic Games play--and that's swell

but for sports bars, trying to tell

which sports on which screens,

the hierarchy leans

toward all Games trumped by NFL!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 324 Days to Go...

Headline (with a Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' add on to tell the REAL story):

"Obama Flip-Flops--From Up in Poll to Down: 2008 Race; Survey Credits Aggressive McCain Tactics"...and the Fact That Obama's Black...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/22/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: James Maddex

James Maddex is a magician.

And, yeah, we've bashed musicians before. But James has an entertaining, performance, comedic angle to his act. Thinking man's magic. With props and audience participation.

We'd say more, but we don't know enough about magic to write a decent review. Not that it ever stopped us from reviewing music, or dance, or... Anyway, check 'im out:

http://www.magitainment.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2008:

A fella craved some bump 'n' grind

though his date was not of same mind.

But charming pretenses

wore down her defenses

and vict'ry was "come from behind."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 323 Days to Go...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may dub us at Daily Limerick to be a bunch of cynics. You may say that we complain about, and poke fun at, everything while doing nothing to actually make the world a better place.

Well, here's a cause/protest we're firmly behind:

Today is National Topless Protest Day.

See, it was founded by... Well... Oh, you can look up this event of the International Raelian Movement yourself for your own town. We've done enough philanthropy...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2008:

McCain's caught-up on 'lection track,

they say 'cause of cunning attacks.

But it's not because

of what McCain does

so much as the fact Barack's black!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 322 Days to Go...

Okay so, sure, this is a local story on its surface...but it's also relevant to any of you who've visited (or will visit) Chicago--and is certainly relevant should YOUR city engage in Olympic bidding.

Chicago wants to host the Olympics in 2016. Never mind the constant youth warfare, or the fact that the city's budget has been crapped all over or... Yeah. The priority is bringing the freakin' Corporate Sponsorship Steroid Witch Hunt Games here.

DL is firmly against this. Why? Well, it's impossible to count all of the ways... But, in any event, the city's Olympic Committee is now asking us regular joes to go on and post Chicago videos to help out the bid.

So I'm encouraging Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to grab a camera, film something showing the REAL Chicago--say, a bus packed to the gills, with two more behind it (that the Chicago public transport way; wait 45 freakin' minutes for a bus and then THREE arrive at once; we can't handle a Goddamned LOCAL AIR & WATER SHOW, much less international games)...and post that, right here:

http://www.chicago2016.org...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/24/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Movie Dreams

I'm not happy with my dream life.

Oh, I have an entertaining dream here and there, but they're ridiculously rare, now. Not sure why... From what I know about the nascent science of dreams, perhaps it's because my sleep schedule (and life) is too regular.

In any event, the dreams that I DO have are weird. Yeah, yeah--I know that ALL dreams are weird but... F'rinstance, while I've had "sex dreams," I've never actually HAD sex in a dream, that I remember anyway... Always wake-up before it happens, or there's a catch--once I dreamed that I was having sex, but me and the chick were both fully clothed so... Was that REALLY sex? Just one of a slew of examples.

I tend lately to have what I call "Movie Dreams." Many people are involved. Something grand is at stake. There's tension and worry and anticipation; everybody's running around, playing a role in some process...but I'm always very, very fuzzy on the details of all of this.

I just know that I wake up, excited from the dream, and I start to re-think it, as the further in the day it gets, the less likely one is to remember a dream and... I rarely piece anything much together.

When I was in college, I kept a "Dream Notebook." Wrote down my dreams right when I awoke. They were fresh in mind--and the process stoked the ol' Dream Machine, some how, leading to more exciting, or at least interesting, dreams and... Well, don't have the time for such stuff these days.

And it's not like I'm gonna get laid in one, anyway...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/24/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Dicentra's pink

 

We had bleeding hearts in the yard

when I was a kid. They grew near

the bulkhead. I was fascinated;

I was warned they were dangerous.

 

But how could such silky, slippery things,

the twin pink, pearled lobes, be anything

but beautiful? I'd pick them off the plant

and pull them apart in my hand.

 

They fell to inspection easily,

leaving me closed lips parting,

and dainty innards. They were

a keepsake to their fragility.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2008:

Chick gymnastics don't seem to last-y;

while men's... Wish it'd be done quite fasty.

Strange--love those chicks stretching

but, guys? I'm near retching!

Those young girls make me think gym-nasty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 321 Days to Go...

There was an event this weekend in Chicago called, "Illinois Yoga Asana Championship."

Pfft. And people say hipster Americans are perverting the core philosophies behind these Eastern rituals...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2008:

The Dems kicked-off theirs--here we go!

It's party convention time, so

if substance you're seeking

these shows, e'en when peaking,

have pith of music videos!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 320 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Radio Free Asia Cites Chinese Censorship of Olympic Coverage"

In similar news, Australia still has a lot of crocodiles...

You know those "purity pledges" that teenagers sign, promising, to church, etc. and family that they'll remain abstinent until marriage?

Well, a new study by Rand Corp. suggests that teens signing them are 21 percent less likely to engage in premarital sex.

And it's gotta be a solid study. Why would a teenager, subject to embarrassment before faith and family after breaking a pledge, like about something like that?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2008:

To activists, can be unkind.

Oft naive and partisan blind.

But Raelian cause

we back without pause--

chicks' topless right? We'll get behind!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 319 Days to Go...

Barack Obama on the steroid scandal:

"I'd like to see the baseball commissioner handle this without Congress being involved."

But remember--the GOP is the party of hands-off, small government...

While, of course, if you're a news journalist, you're really interested in these music videos...er, political party conventions, that doesn't necessarily mean the reverse--that if you ARE into the party conventions, you must be a journalist.

Hmmm.

Strike that. Really, NOBODY else on the planet could possibly be interested in these masturbatory self-celebrations to "pick party nominees" although the nominees have already been picked...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/27/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Taste Test Unsuccessful... Or Was It?

Given the nature of my hunger and metabolism, plus the sad state of frozen food portion sizing these days, I ate two potpies for dinner recently.

And given the nature of the stocking situation at my local grocer, I bought one that was chicken and another that was turkey.

Not having paid attention to which potpie was which after removing the packaging, I figured a form of "taste test" would easily identify which was which.

I was wrong. At certain points in my eating, I'd think, "Now THIS must be chicken..." only to take another bite and think, "...then again, maybe it's the turkey?" I could not discern which was chicken and which was turkey.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the potpies, as I usually do, brining the question to the forefront... If you enjoy the meal, does it really matter if you know just what hell you're eating?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2008:

The "Purity Pledge" church folks ply

keeps more teens chaste 'til marriage flies!

'Least so says a study--

can't poss'bly be muddied

by kids who, 'neath pressure'd, say...lie?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 318 Days to Go...

We've made fun of the "Gimme Somethin' to Protest--ANYTHING to protest" types over the years...but at the same time, having not seen a lot of political activism from our generation growing up, we've welcomed the idea of a generation giving a shit.

So, we're TRYING to look fondly upon the folks urging a "repeat of '68" at this year's Democratic convention. Trying to overlook the silly little reasons for nay-saying the protest idea, like, say...the fact that, 40 years later, the "presumed" Democratic candidate DOES NOT support the unpopular war that's unfolding...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2008:

The rise of "blogs"? It's simply boss!

And money, toward writers, does toss!

Though for cash we scurry

as freelance, don't worry,

thanks to blog pay 'bout, say...tooth floss?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 317 Days to Go...

There's a Canadian, frozen potato maker named McCain Foods, and they're using the candidate tie-in for a marketing scheme to increase presence in U.S. markets.

You know... We're not sure WHY or HOW, but somehow it's all very metaphorically fitting...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/29/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ken Barnard, Performance Comic

Ken Barnard bills himself as a "performance comic" because... Well, who would you rather be stranded on a deserted island with? A cannibal...or a run-of-the-mill "stand-up comic."

Okay, so at least a stand-up doesn't threaten your life (usually)...but you had to think about it, didn't you?

Ken... Well, he performed at a show I emceed...and produced. And filmed. Et. al. So I wasn't able to pay as rapt attention as I would've liked to... But he was talking through a megaphone, walking into the crowd, interacting with the audience... In short, doing original, interesting comedy.

He's hilarious, knows how to please a room--and I wouldn't dare call him a "stand-up comic."

Oh, just see the link:

http://www.performancecomedy.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2008:

A young girl and boy did play doctor.

Confused him and really it shocked her.

Explored with their hands;

didn't quite understand

their feelings, but somehow he cocked her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 316 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist just HAS to check in for this on an Extra Cheezy Saturday:

U.S. gold medal gymnast Nastia Liukien will be featured on a Wheaties box.

I didn't think it were possible at this point...but this may indeed bring a whole new medium into my masturbational repertoire...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2008:

Though activist protests are great,

those who would re-do '68

should pause, smoking joint,

and well... There's no point--

this nom's 'GAINST The War... So abate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 315 Days to Go...

So it's official: Barack Obama will be our next president.

He won't so much win as John McCain is actively losing the election.

The only reason the race appeared close at all recently was because McCain's core group of supporters, a drooling idiot subset of America's Moron Majority, saw one issue as far more important than a meaningless, insanely costly war or an economy completely in the toilet: Not letting a man with different skin color into the White House.

BUT, as Daily Limerick predicted, or as history predicted, considering that America gave black men the right to vote before women, and that this nation is more sexist than it is racist... Obama won the primary. (Sure, there were other reasons involved, but at our core... Well, Moron Majority.)

And who does McCain pick for a running mate to capitalize on America's racism? The one so-called minority viewed as even worse than a black man among his drooling idiot base.

So you read it hear first. Daily Limerick's prediction, with no precincts in any states reporting early tallies, more than two months before the polls open:

Barack Obama is the next President of the United States...

Okay, so we feel a little guilty about raining on the Democratic Convention parade...but only because we actually LIKE Barack Obama and that it's all historic and crap, what with him being the first major party black nominee and all.

But... The conventions are STILL meaningless rituals where nothing is really decided. Celebratory, money-wasting, pompous... (Chief Limericist sneakily checking in for the "punchline")... Not at all unlike my wedding to my ex-wife...

Read a letter to the editor recently in which the letter writer announced that he would not vote for Barack Obama due to an issue of utmost importance...Obama dissed the Chicago Cubs.

In case you were in need of a blow to any remaining hope for the human race on this last Sunday of August...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/31/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Recent Hostage Situation

I've told you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers before, and I'll tell you again:

I live a life of danger.

I don't think you believe me (and I'm not entirely sure if I believe me) but... There ya' have it. And, yes, as you've just been titularly informed (he hee), I was recently involved in a hostage situation.

I was awaiting the arrival of a friend. He was WAY late...and I discovered that he was taken hostage by an evil syndicate and... Okay. So the "evil syndicate" was the post office. And the friend was Tortilla Wrap Man.

I ordered Tortilla Wrap Man from La Mexicana tortillas. And he's not exactly sentient, which takes a bit of the danger out of the hostage situation, sure. But he's cool, now treasured and, thus, valuable. Even if he is just a four-six inch tall stuffed animal...or "stuffed foodstuff" I guess, as he's a tortilla, with arms, legs and a cape.

Did I mention that he's cool as all shit?

So I'm eagerly awaiting his arrival, for weeks on end...and I find a sticker from the post office in my mailbox. I'd seen this grind before--the sticker informs you that you have a package, but they don't want to just leave it in the entryway without your consent, so you have to check the consent box on it and leave it again for the mailman... If something screws up the process, you have to go retrieve your package from some war-zone neighborhood, WAY the hell on the edge of town somewhere, killing off an entire afternoon.

I've been through this before and went all the way out to the Chicago neighborhood bordering Iowa to find...they'd sent the package back. So fear was creeping up my neck over the fate of Tortilla Wrap Man but I mostly shrugged it off. After all, I'd follow the procedure.

I, of course, marked the slip just right and left it for the mailman...who didn't take it from my box with the next day's mail delivery. Words cannot describe the terror, the ominous nature of each very breath I took... Well, maybe words COULD describe it, but you get the picture. Terror, horror, all that.

So I taped a huge, paper-and-marker sign on my mailbox...angry, yet respectful of the postal worked, urging him or her to PLEASE take my slip!

As I awaited the next day's mail, seconds seemed like minutes. Minutes seemed like hours... When the mail finally came that day... The postal worker did, indeed, take my slip. Then, it was "The Wait" for Tortilla Wrap Man to arrive...if he would indeed arrive. Seconds seemed like minutes... Ahem.

And he arrived. Next day.

So, I suppose, in reality it wasn't even really a non-sentient hostage situation. But it was harrowing, in its own way.

And I STILL live a life of danger, whether or not you Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards buy it...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/31/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Artistic proclivities