Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2008:

Chick's skirt was so short, caused mishap

when she sat upon Santa's lap.

Up something did go;

she twisted just so...

Soon enough--oops!--ass did get tapped!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 223 Days to Go...

So the latest object of PETA's nutball rage is Cooking Mama.

Of "Cooking Mama World Kitchen."

A videogame.

Perhaps PETA members should just create pasty, wide-eyed videogame avatars of themselves and attack her (it's not as if they, quite obviously, don't have loads of spare time on their hands)...

There's a new book out, "You Are What You Drive: What Your Car Says About You," and we have a summary just for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

If you look at a car as anything more than a box on wheels to get you from one place to another, you've stoked the Einsteins of Scam at the Auto Industry's Big Three--and, thanks to your ilk, we're now gonna take it heavy in the pocketbook to bail 'em out, so that they can get in a few more good anal rapes on us before (trust us) dying off for good, to insure that all that cash spent--like the vast majority of that blown on these bailouts--was a complete and utter waste...

Headline:

"Abstinence Teachers Share 1st Kiss--On Their Wedding Day"

Now, THAT impresses us.

Not for the reasons it impresses most readers who'd be impressed. But because... Well, to continue the above Auto Industry theme, they're impressively stupid and/or brave, buying a car without test-driving it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2008:

Gas price drops with financial gloom.

And... SUV sales again boom?

They say those ignoring

mistakes of past stories...

Aw, fuck it--Humanity's doomed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 222 Days to Go...

Switzerland's voters have given the "okay" to the legalization of heroin...and a thumbs-down to the decriminalization of marijuana.

But, U.S. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, don't make fun of them. We do the same thing:

Miss a mortgage payment? Screw off! Acquire hundreds of bad mortgages and screw up the entire country's economic situation? We're here to help! (If you're gonna be a fuck-up, be a SUPREME fuck-up)...

A company called Masik Collegiate Fragrances is designing colognes and perfumes that somehow capture various colleges.

Sounds intriguing, but I wouldn't get too excited about them really smelling legit. Read the ingredients for one of them and there was no marijuana scent a'tall...

Having become an urbanite, I rarely drive--I don't even own a car at this point in time. (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

But when I DO drive, people often make fun of me. On expressways, I don't go TOO much over the speed limit. And I follow silly rules I learned in driver's ed like...oh, for every 10 miles per hour *'m traveling at, I try to allow a car length between me and the car in front of me.

I can't BELIEVE how close people follow one another. (And yet choose to be afraid when a rigorously trained airline pilot is in control. Go figure.)

But I guess all the fun-making at my expense is justified. My way of driving avoids all the fun like... Headline:

"12 Vehicles in Pileup"...

What the National Football League needs to do is to put a screen-inside-a-screen to show all the cheerleader action.

Really. I mean, a few camera seconds here and there of nubile, jiggling, perky flesh is hardly enough time to even...er... Um...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2008:

Trey trudged Christmas tree home, thought, "Gee--

I'll try tree-trim bash--and trolled three

tree trollops to dec'rate.

Treat from Trey's tricky trait--

a trio of trim with trimmed tree!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 221 Days to Go...

The City of Chicago prides itself on being perhaps the "greenest" big city in America.

And now...they're outfitting the police department with 2,000 new SUV's.

So you CAN have your cake and eat it, too. If you go into politics...or management in the auto, banking or insurance industries...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/3/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Silly Kitty, Cheez-Its are for Kids!

Directly or indirectly, one way or another, I've trumpeted the delight that is Cheez-Its in Daily Limerick before.

But I don't recommend them for your cat. Or for most any pet, really.

It would seem that one needn't be warned that cats, in their natural habitat, tend not to eat Cheez-Its. But I... Okay, some might argue that I spoil my cats. I don't buy them expensive treats or take them to spas or any of the truly whackjob pet pampering.

But concerning food... Well, I've recently begun the arduous task of putting a cat, Millie, on a diet--when the other cat, Chester, doesn't need to lose weight at all. I knew she was overweight, of course--or "big boned," as I like to call it; "festively plump" this time of year, actually--but... Well, I resisted a while even after the vet told me to do so. But I'm repeatedly told it could shorten her life, cause diabetes... So, yeah. I'm finally attempting to slowly alter food intake and get her on a diet.

Realize, however, that I didn't resist out of laziness--to avoid the effort involved, especially with the other, non-diet-needing cat. But as I see it, while we pet owners have given our domestic animals shelter and security they wouldn't have in the wild, their lives are less exciting. (Although, admittedly, cats don't seem to mind and seem to sleep most of the time in nature, too.)

Hence... Well, I try to provide them the pleasure of eating to "make up for it" or whatever. So not only did I think it okay when Millie was just chubby but... Okay, I'll give 'em snacks now and again. Tuna and/or shrimp for their birthdays and such (or when I'm eating it and they're mooching) and... Stuff that's worse. Both enjoy nacho cheeze Doritos, for instance and... Cheez-Its.

Now Millie, being...festively plump, will eat a greater variety of "people food" than Chester. And while I usually just give a teensy piece or two of human snack food to Millie or both, knowing well it's not the best for them... Well, last week she was just SO into the Cheez-It pieces that I gave her more than she'd ever had before.

And she became constipated.

In and out of the litter box. Rather than one or two big poops a day, a dozen or more teensy poops.

So... Well, don't feed your cat Cheez-Its. Or if you must, make it truly an eentsy-weentsy piece or two. They're really not designed for heavy carb intake...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2008:

The "Truman Syndrome" affects those

who think they're on "real'ty" shows.

But are THEY more whacked

that those who, in fact,

ARE on them as lame ego ho's?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 220 Days to Go...

Saw a Craig's List job ad today seeking a "Creative Investor."

Guess those bailed-out bank CEOs will have somewhere to go should boards/Congress come to their senses and can their asses...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/4/2008:

This one comes in for the Chief Limericist:

> SUBJECT: City To Cut Back On Plowing Snow On Side Streets

>

> I bet you're glad you don't have a car. What are they using

> all the tax money for since its the highest tax city?

>

> Your Cuz,

> Todd

Good question. My best guess is that the tax money goes...wherever those socks go in the laundry process...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2008:

A flaming queer 'neath tree did find

a gift leaving him in a bind.

He wanted to make

use of that fruitcake

but... How could he eat his own kind?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 219 Days to Go...

Happy Martin van Buren's Birthday!

What? You expect us to come up with some legit, meaningful commentary on a high holiday such as this?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/5/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Coffee Connection

Okay, I can't personally vouch for this completely--and our, um, Investigative Unit is, er...off on an early Christmas vacation--so don't come howling to us if there's some unforeseen rip-off involved here but... It looks pretty cool.

Coffee Connection is a MySpace-y kinda thing for poets. Poets can, of course, mount a MySpace profile AS poets and do the same kinds of things--post a profile, publish poetry, send messages, give comments, etc.--but this one bills itself as allowing "uncensored" posts, which gives it a leg-up on MySpace. (Although, to be honest, I haven't had trouble posting Sunday Daily Limerick content on MySpace.)

So... Well, here ya' go:

http://www.coffeeconnection.co.uk/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2008:

Santa's Big Shift ended one year;

trudged home to meet his biggest fear--

while he worked Gift Sacks

wife forgot to wax...

He faced MRS. Claus' white beard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 218 Days to Go...

Isn't it about time, in this day and age, that somebody recorded... "I Saw DADDY Kissing Santa Claus"?...

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2008:

In Cali, Santa hit a quake;

took break and went off on the make.

Learned though they ain't white

Cal Christmas, that night,

showed it still has plenty of flakes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 217 Days to Go...

U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), also Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, reportedly said that, if we don't bail out the Big Three automakers, "We're looking at a death sentence."

Hmm.

Considering they've been bailed-out before...the dwindling, finite gas supply is calling for serious changes in that industry...and that these long-time Giant Corporations are seemingly incapable of serious change... Isn't it more of a "mercy killing," senator?...

And concerning your opinion, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, on whether the Big Three should get a bail-out... Before you make up your mind, first consider our modern world with its environmental, fuel and other crises and then consider:

Los Angeles, in the early part of the 20th Century, was a model for public transportation, with trains, trolleys and the like, but a certain industry demanded they rip up the infrastructure so more product could be sold. The same industry also prevented the city of Detroit from EVER having a public trans system to begin with.

Can you Name That Industry?...

Headline:

"Weaker Debut Than Usual For Kanye"

He hee... Ahem.

This refers, of course, to Kanye West, self-described "greatest musical influence of this generation" and general ego-maniacal hot-air artist.

But it's not nice to laugh at the... Well, the admittedly minor misfortunes of others. Especially during the Christmas Season.

Right?

Bwaaaaa haw haw... Hooo, hooo...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/7/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Talking Christmas Tree

No, this was NOT something that happened when I was in my late teens/early twenties--there was no hallucination involved.

This happened when I was a mere pup--when the only "high" I chased was perhaps a sugar high (or turning around until I made myself dizzy). Every year, my grandparents would take my sister and I to see The Talking Christmas Tree. It was in a Chicago-area mall, one I believe no longer exists. The tree may have had a name, like "Lester the Talking Christmas Tree"...but I don't recall. It was similar to a Santa spiel--you'd tell the tree what you wanted for Christmas, it would..."ho, ho, ho!" or something, etc.

I just remember looking forward to it. In fact, I probably enjoyed visiting The Talking Christmas Tree more than Santa. (At some point, when I still believed in Santa but was questioning how he could be in so many malls and such at the same time, my father told me that those Santas were indeed fake--but that they were servants of the REAL Santa. From that point, I accepted the fact that THOSE Santas did, indeed, creep me out.)

Funny, but while I recall my gradually maturing sense of logic questioning Santa and the Christmas mythos--and I know that I began to question the mall Santas during the years I saw the Tree--I don't remember ever thinking the talking tree, with it's googly eyes and lip-synch-y mouth, was hokey.

Not one bit...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/7/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: What we lost in the field

 

We dig our shovels in, throwing earth behind us,

dig in again; another flurry of sod off steel spades.

We intensify, arcs of earth shooting up. Gone

too quickly; repeated too easily.

 

What are the consequences here? If we don't find

what we're looking for? Yes. We'll never be able

to remember what exactly we're trying to find.

Besides, I like the rhythm we're making.

 

And how hard we're trying. I even like

how little it's helping.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/7/2008:

Okay, so our "Entertain Yourself" feature Friday focused on the poets' social networking site, Coffee Connection--and here's what they sent us when we notified them:

> Thanks very much.

>

> If we get a mad rush of poems begging to be censored

> I'll have you to thank!

> Just kidding. Poetry is art isn't it. Should art be

> censored probably not.

>

> Now I will not edit or censor any poems. However if a

> poem is so near the knuckle then the members will tell

> you what they think and they will decide it's future.

> In each previous case the poem has remained on the site.

>

> John

> Admin

Funny how we merely MENTION the site and they go into Filth Protection Mode.

Nonetheless, this is more a warning to YOU, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who might join the site. (We haven't--too much crap to check-in on already, what with the site, MySpaces, etc.)

So make us proud because this looks like a job for (oddly enough)... Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2008:

Cologne maker, Masik, does wanna,

sell college colognes, so they're gonna

match scents to each U.

They'll fail! Why? Main clue:

Read two's scent lists--no marijuana!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 216 Days to Go...

Fun With Headlines... Number One:

"Ancient Pot Stash Found in China Tomb"

And Number Two, marking the anniversary of American Prohibition I (of III) on Friday:

"Prohibition: Forever a Lost Cause?"

Do you think our "enlightened" race will ever read between the lines?...

And Happy 88th Birthday to Count Chocula!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2008:

The latest in elf science news:

So horny, so oft shootin' spoo,

that elf boys and girls

spent much time, toes curled--

and that's why they wear curly shoes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 215 Days to Go...

A group of scientist "experts" is now claiming, in an essay in the magazine Nature (of all things), that everyone should have access to Ritalin. For clearer thinking and such.

And soon... Big Pharma will have EVERYBODY on prescriptions drugs and will rule the world! Moo-ha-ha-ha!...

An interesting sidenote:

Part of the "experts'" arguments stems from the fact that college students are taking Ritalin when studying for tests.

By that reasoning, shouldn't they also be arguing for EVERYONE's right to bong-up all day?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2008:

"Experts" now say all could use a

prescription for Ritalin. The

Big Pharma pill cult

wants ALL! Will exult--

each man, woman, child--moo ha ha!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 214 Days to Go...

So Hollywood activists Sean Hetherington and Aaron Hartzler, upset at the passage of California's Proposition 8, which reversed the state supreme court's thumbs-up to gay marriage...urged workers nationwide to "call in gay" yesterday.

You know... No. Uh, what if?... Er, no. Um... Now, what if you... Hmmm.

Nope. We ain't touchin' it. It's like engaging Amy Winehouse in a willpower challenge...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/10/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Holiday Balls

He hee.

Ahem. So today's title probably isn't the best under "traditional" rules, as it isn't entirely descriptive of the topic, nor non-descriptive in a productively curiosity-inducing way, or whatever but... Balls.

He hee.

Anyway... The Holidays are upon us and people will be making treats for parties, co-workers, friends, family... And my thoughts turn to Kahlua balls--a chocolate confection with Kahlua liqueur prominent among its flavorings.

I pooh-pooh such things. You should, too--make some cookies with those jimmies atop isntead. Well, I don't pooh-pooh Kahlua balls literally, of course--although sometimes it looks that way but... Ahem again.

It's not Kahlua, specifically, that's the problem. There are many confections flavored with alcohols of different varieties and, frankly, that's suck-ass.

Once again... Liquor doesn't TASTE GOOD. When someone describes a drink as "tasting good," it's relative--they can't taste the alcohol so much. And nobody's lookin' to get ripped on Kahlua balls when straight-up drinks do the trick so much better, so there's no point.

And this has nothing to do with the fact that I don't drink anymore. Even when I DID drink, I found alcohol-y sweets to be inferior.

So... Yeah. Keep your booze away from my holiday balls!...

He hee...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2008:

For bailout of economy

why give to the likes of Big Three

and banks--culprits wrecking

it all? Give directly

to us--victimized families!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 213 Days to Go...

We often run into these conspiracy-theory types who claim that the major news media "lies."

Now, of course, the media isn't perfect--our careers in the field are apparently over and the industry is tanking, anyway. We'll admit that it's downsized as all hell and thus, of course, reporters miss things but... Lie? We think these bong-adled folks are just too lazy to read newspapers and need a better excuse.

Then... Well, headline:

"Look Who Has Embraced Shopping: Men"

Hmm.

Call us bong-adled, if you will, but...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2008:

That "List"--you know, "naughty" and "nice"?

That makes our good conscience think twice?

Well, that List unveils

all sorts of details--

so Santa spends all year on ice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 212 Days to Go...

The NFL Network is not only useless and lame--but evil and totally ass-suckin'.

Firstly... Well, duh! Football season only runs about five months, so switching to DirecTV (which, too, sucks major ass, if not quite on an Ass Sucker Deluxe level with ComCast) for the channel is Hall of Lame behavior. Hey, we love football ourselves, but... If you're watching NFL Network in July... Shoot yourself. Really. There's no point in going on with your "life."

The sinister bastards are maneuvering to force folks into getting their lame-o-rific channel, too. A certain number of games are shown on NFL each year--picked according to some nutty system, ala Monday Night Football--and... Well, we here in Chicago DID have Thursday's Bears/Saints game shown simultaneously on a "regular" channel, but I'm not sure other cities' fans are so lucky.

Even if they ARE so lucky, they won't be for long. Just as TBS simultaneously broadcast the Chicago Cubs' first-round playoff games on a non-cable station in 2007 (after much public backlash)--only to horde the broadcasts to themselves in 2008--the NFL Network now has mad scientists cackling away in their Lame-O Lab plotting to yank the simultaneous broadcasts away in the near future.

So... Well, we usually try to end these nuggets with a witty capper. Hmmm... Okay, NFL Network walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the lame face?"...

Whaddaya know? We actually have a "Lame-ity in Pro Football" package today:

The Arena Football League is headed toward dissolution unless it receives an infusion of money.

Let's take stock, here... Financially floundering organization, swimming in bad ideas... No hope for long-term survival, even if billions are thrown at it... Well, it certainly fits the bill: This looks like a job for CONGRESS!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/12/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fedora

Fedora bills itself as "folk," although... Well, I've been known to make fun of folk singers, but Fedora is "good" folk. They use an interesting variety of instrumentation, are stoner-y at times, have delightful vocal capacity (both male and female) and rather intricate arrangements.

So, it's not the whiny, smelly, hippie kinda folk at all.

I'd give you more details but a) I'm the World Music Critic on the Planet; and b) I've plugged another band, Glasko, with the same lead man so... Well, let's leave it at that:

http://www.myspace.com/fedorafolk

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2008:

In fog, Rudolph's glow-nose works great,

but he brings much more to the plate

all year--when morale

of she-reindeer fouls

he sets magic nose on "vibrate"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 211 Days to Go...

Although some of today's "new" Christmas songs will undoubtedly become tomorrow's "classic" Christmas songs... Well, most will die a quick death among our collective Holiday fare.

Thankfully, we might add.

In taking in some new Christmas TV specials recently, we were reminded that most of these specials feel the need to "update" classic carols--you know, to make them more accessible to youth by crafting more "urban" or "alt-y" or (shudder) "American Idol"-y versions.

Question:

Why do they feel the need to "update" a song about such timely phenomenon as, say... a "one-horse, open sleigh"?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2008:

When ol' Santa puts List back on shelf,

coming home to his favorite MILF,

after long Christmas Eve

and Ms. Claus won't give beave

he rolls over and plays with his...elf.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 210 Days to Go...

In case you've paid no attention whatsoever to current events as of late... Well, Illinois' governor, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested. Scandal all over, in short.

In local news, every possible angle is seeing coverage. And even many IMpossible angles are seeing coverage, like... Headline:

"Diagnosing Blagojevich: Gov's Chestnut Mane Might Be Sign Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychologists Say"

Yeah. Rod's of the Donald Trump Hair School, all right. But... Journalists, need you indulge every whackjob "expert"?

Do we really need to spur authority figures, employers and the like to discriminate now based on HAIR? (Well, they already do, we suppose--but on yet another facet of hair?)

And, "experts"... We were able to figure out that he's a narcissistic bastard without even considering his hair...

So, Jennifer Aniston appears, with the exception of an (unfortunately) strategically placed tie, naked on the cover of the current GQ.

Does somebody want to inform the editors that the majority of GQ's readers...er, eat more of the snail than of the clam, shall we say?...

Britney Spears now drug-tests her backup dancers.

See, because Britney has had some chemical problems and, in the past, she got drugs from backup dancers and... Have we thanked the "disease" model of addiction lately for launching our Everybody's A Victim Society, concurrent with our We'll Imprison You For That "Disease" and We'll Suspend the Bill of Rights to Fight That "Disease" movements?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/14/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Werewolf Destiny

I figured it was about time I came clean.

I feel bad about it, although it's not my fault--a curse from forces beyond my control. And, yes, I pose a great danger to those who cross my path at certain times, in certain ways, so... A confession:

I snore.

Now, before you convict me of misleading headline use... Well, I'll get to that. But I now snore and I'm not happy about it.

Both of my grandmothers snored like wild boars. And my father, a much closer gene influence, has snored like a banshee for as long as I've remembered. I should've seen it coming. Perhaps I didn't want to acknowledge the obvious. And I made fun of dad over it and done things like... Thrown pieces of popcorn into his gaping, snorting maw when he fell asleep on the couch.

I grew up regularly hearing middle-of-night commotion, with my mother yelling at him, storming out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch. I never defended Dad in the matter and... Well, now the snout is on the other face.

I'm nuts about my current Lady. And I went a couple of years between Ladies (although there was a lowercase "lady" or two...or three...). Apparently, during that time, I was stricken with the dreaded curse. My previous Lady complained once or twice, over 15 months, about snoring, so it was intermittent, then.

Now... Well, I'm a snarling beast when slumber overtakes. I've already had sleepovers cancelled. "I really need to get a good night's sleep tonight," she'll say. And I'll KNOW that my snoring is what she seeks to avoid. She's even said I have to do SOMETHING. Because... Well, it's horrific. Eldritch.

Luckily, M'Lady's willing to work with me on it. We've bought some "silver bullets"--anti-snoring sprays, nasal strips--to some effect. But the affliction is not so easily banished.

And it IS like being a werewolf! As with lycanthropy, I go to sleep hoping, praying that I will not become The Monster. But I can't control it! Oh, the terrors I inflict, not even aware that I am committing them! Like all living beings, I want to embrace a well-earned rest after a day of toil; I want to welcome sweet slumber to awaken energized when the sun rises anew! But--

Alas! I find myself fearing the comforting arms of sleep! I fear for my beloved when I nestle beneath a blanket I... Well, in any event, it sucks...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/14/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Hope for the hopeless

 

These are not beautiful stories

with love as edifice and

buttress, a well of shared

strength to draw from in times

of struggle or celebration.

 

Often the love itself

is the hurt. And expectations

drawn out, hopes spoken aloud,

are blinders. They hasten

the end.

 

Your vulnerabilities

embarrass you. Unburdened

initially, now you cringe

at the memories of

naked need.

 

But ...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/14/2008:

Regarding our chastising of NFL Network on Friday, for trying to force folks to buy DirecTV in order to see the local games it hoards (and for crimes of lame-ity):

> I've had Direct TV for about ten years now and

> I've always liked it. The NFL network is acctualy

> a good football channel about 10 hours a week, but

> I was unaware that direct tv was the only one that

> had it...

>

> Todd

Well, now you ARE aware that DirecTV is the only sinister evildoer pushing the National Football Lame Network.

That's really what we're all about here at Daily Limerick, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Awareness... (Sometimes, "awareness" of things you might be better off ignorant about, but "awareness," nonetheless)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2008:

Without "cash infusion" to sate

Arena Football? Death's its fate!

Biz model, if saved,

will fail, anyway...

Sure sounds like bailout candidate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 209 Days to Go...

On big-city, public transportation, you often have to stand. There are only so many seats.

But what's with these Standing Martyrs?

You know--the chowderheads who stand even when there ARE seats available. Not those who stand to offer a seat for an elderly or pregnant or package-laden sort. Not those who stand because their stop is near.

We're talking about those shits-for-brains who stand because... Who knows? It's "cool." Tough or something--I'm strong and virile; none of that wimpy sitting for me? (It's almost ALWAYS males.)

See, listen here, rectum heads: You just get in everybody's way. You clog up the aisle. You make it harder to view street signs and/or the bus' "next stop" screen. And nobody thinks you're strong, cool or virile. You just advertise the fact that you're a honkin' doofus.

So knock it off. Relax. Sit down. The buttocks have natural padding, you know, so it won't hurt your brain...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2008:

No sex until wed--some survive it.

Unlike most, I just can't high-five it.

Guess I wish them luck

but what kind of shmucks

don't test drive a car 'fore they buy it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 208 Days to Go...

Happy Beethoven's Birthday, Shroederites!...

Headline outta Largo, Fla.:

"Fetish Club Puts Its Foot Down In Dispute"

Of all the questions this news bring to mind, foremost on our minds is... Why hasn't Daily Limerick been kept in the breaking-news loop on this?

After all, we're the New York Times of this sorta thing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2008:

Though Santa works hard on Big Day,

takes breaks so's not all work, no play.

In Sweden, hits sauna

and, in Tijuana

sees act of one-horse, open lay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 207 Days to Go...

Headline out of New York:

"I'm Not Laughing: Blind Gov Not Happy With 'SNL' Portrayal"

This reminder applies to politicians as well as entertainment celebrities:

If you don't like what's being said about you in the public sphere, move to a nation without Free Speech or leave the spotlight.

Or, of course, try to make your city/state/country more like a non-Free Speech-bearing nation, ala Illinois' governor, although you're probably noticing as of late that the tactic carries some risk...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/17/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jimmies are Christmas-y!

They appear mostly on cookies, but any Christmas-y treats cry out for 'em--candies, snack cakes, what-have-you.

In fact, they're SO Christmas-y that the mere addition of jimmies transformed a regular Little Debbie snack cake into a Christmas Cake! (Checking into the matter, it appears they're doing the Holiday Thing differently at this time, with Christmas tree cakes--but they DID take the jimmie way recently.)

Oh--perhaps you scratch your head, dear Slapper Yapper Grasshopper. What the hell are jimmies? Perhaps you know them as "sprinkles." This time of year, some will call them "jingles" or perhaps even "jangles." I call 'em jimmies because... Well, perhaps because I fancy myself a writer, of sorts, and I get some smug kick out of using a word that isn't the most popular, okay?

Anyway... Well, I don't have much more to say. I just want Christmas cookies laden with jimmies. Yeah, I mostly crave 'em on cookies but I'm sure they make EVERYTHING more Christmas-y and appealing including... Hmm... Feelin' a bit like a big, but regular, Little Debbie snack cake right now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2008:

One Thursday, fandom will get maimed.

In order to watch your team's game

need pay more for station's

off season's mast'bation...

Evil NFL Network: Lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 206 Days to Go...

So Obama's named his appointment for Secretary of the Interior and it's... Not Al Gore?

I mean... He may not be qualified to do much of anything else--win an election on the coattails of one of the most popular presidents in recent memory, pick a running mate who's NOT a fascist warmonger, handle cash register duties at Arby's--but THIS job had his name written all over it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2008:

Of Christmas lore, both you and I,

know well of those Men, Three and Wise.

But if the Child's birth

came elsewhere on Earth...

Like Italy--'d'be Three Wise Guys!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 205 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Shoppers Waiting Until Last Minute"

Might that "last minute" be... On Dec. 23, 2009?...

Or, given the nature of how things are going, perhaps THAT'S optimistic...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/19/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Huh?...

Oh.

Seems that the "Entertain Yourself," uh, Team has taken off early for the Holidays.

So Entertain Yourself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2008:

A ditzy slut misunderstood

for Christmas, the meaning of "good."

Thought, "give, not receive,"

so, to troops, flashed beave

and spurred, "March of Soldiers--With Wood"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 204 Days to Go...

Does ANYBODY read those "society" columns?

Just wondering...

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2008:

Feds bailed-out, post face-saving pause,

Big Three, 'gainst all common sense laws.

Corp'rate boneheads' savior;

rewards bad behavior--

could learn from Lists of Santa Claus!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 203 Days to Go...

Now, since the Feds ARE going to bailout the Big Three, despite... Well, the fact that it's dumb as shit and just gonna further rape us citizens anally and unlubricated while we'll STILL see the morons go down the tubes eventually anyway--at the VERY LEAST, DON'T bailout Chrysler.

They've been bailed-out once before during a similar economic malaise (although THIS one is worse). They should've prepared for the possibility of another grave economic turn. Of course, nobody should be rewarded for corporate boneheadism when the money would actually help more given to us CITIZENS but... Well, double-fuck Chrysler is all we're saying, although it appears that we're too late...

We wanted to toss this nugget out today because we bulleting/blog-post the Sunday edition on the annoying-but-necessary-in-this-day-and-age, "social networking" site, MySpace.

We'll continue to do MySpace bulletins, for Daily Limerick and, for performing (by our Chief Limericist) but... Well, MySpace Bulletins are useless, as far as we're concerned.

You know why? It's all you bastards who post 'em over and over again. On the hour or more.

See, we WERE in the habit, on a daily basis, of checking the last day's worth of bulletins. To see if bands and other "friends" had anything interesting going on.

You bulletin-happy bastards ruined that. Lately, we've noticed that it takes us more time than we're willing to spend to go over page after page of bulletins--the vast majority of them by you ass bastards re-posting constantly.

So maybe we'll miss some good shows from "friends" and even friends but... Hey, I know the core rules of publicity. People have SO many friends that you want to make sure that among all the bulletins popping up at the top, and quickly being pushed off the bulleting ticker (necessitating actually going from your "home" into Bulletin Land), you're oh-so-important crap is seen but... From now on, we're completely ignoring any and all bulletins, those of you scrotum-heads AND, unfortunately, even those of folks showing restraint.

Hope you're freakin' happy...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/21/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Playing Doctor (Doolittle) for Christmas Time

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I go a little nutty over Christmas.

I always get a real tree and I decorate that, and my place, with lights and other baubles. Throw music from my heapin', and always growing, Christmas stash into heavy rotation. Wear the Santa hat around town for the week or so leading up to the Holiday. Watch Christmas movies and shows. Make ornaments with M'Lady. Etc. Etc.

Well, for a little over a week, leading up to this weekend, M'Lady went out of town. Had some frequent flyer miles or whatever, they needed to be used before the year's end, so she headed somewhere warmer, it being Chicago December here.

She has two small dogs. She tried rounding up friends to do a "tag team" feeding/walking duty thing... No luck. Now, M'Lady does have dog-owning friends who "owe" her such favors, but Fate's Fickle Hand got in the way. One friend was ALREADY watching somebody else's dogs... Etc.

She looked into the kennel option. Ridiculously expensive--and really, who wants to dump pets with strangers, and in a strange place, anyway? (One of my childhood pets DIED in a kennel and it's ALWAYS bugged me. I wondered if she felt abandoned when she left this life.)

So I was enlisted to help. One of the benefits to being marginally employed is the open schedule. But there were numerous catches. One, I have two cats. Maybe if we'd have had the four animals meet previously, and known it'd go okay, I would've just brought the cats to her place and... But there were other catches.

I couldn't bring the dogs here because... Well, for one reason, I have a roommate/renter, who's more of a "business associate" (to help with rent) than a pal to live with--and dogs were never part of his "deal." One of the dogs occasionally pees when and where he shouldn't and... Anyway.

I couldn't completely camp by her place, even if other factors made it doable--I have some business that necessitates getting my mail frequently, if not daily; she doesn't have Internet service for me to use over there (she's used it mostly at her place of grad studies and employers' offices); I'm still a non-cell phone-bearing dinosaur and thus would be cut-off from phone, too, while perpetually looking for gigs and/or a job... So.

So, I'd go to my place roughly 9-5ish. Thus my cats, whom I feed twice a day (ideally every 12 hours or so), would be fed around 9 a.m. and again around 5 p.m. before I left, which was workable. I could use the Internet and stuff and basically work a normal "shift" before heading back to walk her dogs, hang with them and sleep over e, so I could walk the dogs again before bed and yet again in the morning... When I'd travel back to my place and the cycle began anew.

The theory was that I could haul my laptop to her place, too, and do some other work there. (I've been trying to get ahead, more or less, and "finish" stuff for the year, to relax and better enjoy the Holidays. Plus, there's extra end-of-year stuff, shopping to do, etc.)

Well, the work at her place didn't pan out. For that matter, it was an off week (actually, week-plus), work-wise. I run on routines. This disturbed my routine, which naturally lowers productivity. Yeah-yeah-yeah, traveling from a home to another place 9-5 is normal and all but... Still.

In order to pursue writing, performing and "dream" jobs, I work more than the average cat. Plus, looking for work is MORE work than actually working. And although I know and love M'Lady's dogs, it was new to me, hanging out with them as their exclusive "guy," so the time at her place became mostly R&R. When I'd get to my home, I'd feel a little guilty for leaving the cats--yeah, they're largely independent creatures and I'll leave town for a few days regularly, have someone else feed them but... Well, they're largely nocturnal, so I had little quality hang-out time with them.

Oh, and did I mention the storms that hit Chicago? One day, a 45-minute trip, under normal circumstances, to her place from mine took TWO HOURS. Then another blizzard hit, which not only caused the typical blizzard travel/dog-walking problems, but delayed her flight an extra day. Not to mention that I have this kick-ass Christmas tree but wasn't really able to kick-back at night and enjoy it by the fireplace throughout the week-plus.

But... Despite the runaround, I had an awesome time. One might say I had a merry old time. The whole ordeal felt very Christmas-y. Not only giving of myself to M'Lady, but to both groups of pets. Trudging back and forth through wintry weather, sacrificing my own work-related endeavors, putting extra effort into keeping other beings happy... It was strangely fun and intensely rewarding at the same time it was a pain-in-the-ass.

Now, M'Lady bought me food for dinners there. She offered some cash--to get away from the pets occasionally and hit coffeehouses or whatever, as I was "saving her money"... But I refused that. Although, honestly, that's partly because I intended to have some sexual favors stored up and such, but now we're starting to veer away from the Dickens Christmas angle of it all so... Just bask in the long-time Christmas memory to be...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/21/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Christmas lights

 

Hang the lights like promises

left out in the cold. They glow

along the nighttime streets,

blue, green and gold. And angels

have no wings to fly, no breath

to blow their horns. They might

come up and ask you where to stay

that's safe & warm. Tree skeletons

scrape at the sky and deaden down

the hill. Their shadows, blue in

snowdrifts, make the landscape still.

 

Then headlights snap the quiet scene,

a family returning. They bring

their gifts inside the house,

and leave the windows burning.

For an hour the house lights up

the edges of the yard. Then the night

returns, as deep, but no longer as hard.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2008:

We all know 'bout Christmas Time's Frosty

but lore of his fam'ly's been lost-y.

One brother's been shunned

for all that he's done--

not good n'round kids, Snowman Accost-y!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 202 Days to Go...

So, it appears that Obama cabinet appointment is under investigation in his current role as New Mexico governor for..."pay to play" awarding of state contacts.

Similar situations are being investigated regarding both his Chief of Staff and his Attorney General, too.

Well, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Some things will never "change"...

And while we voted for Obama, and wouldn't go back and change that if we could, and are excited that he'll do at least SOME things differently... Well, recent Obama-related events have assuaged a fear of a different sort:

F'r'instance... Obama has appointed Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack as Secretary of Agriculture and downstate Illinois Rep. Ray LaHood as Secretary of Transportation. Both are HUGE pushers of ethanol as an alternative fuel--not because it's good for the environment (it's not; do some cursory research), but because their constituent Big Agriculture conglomerates stand to make zillions off of it.

Then there's the matter of religiously delusional, anti-gay preacher Rick Warren giving Obama's inaugural sermon or whatever and... Well, fellow pundits and complainers, don't worry--there will be PLENTY to bash about this administration and Obama, despite everything else, is still, when it boils down to it, a POLITICIAN, the lowest life form on the planet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2008:

Man craved Christmas sex rather dire!

Took home chick, who was tease and liar--

of sex tricks? Just boasted,

left. He felt 's'if roasted

were his chestnuts by their shared fire!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 201 Days to Go...

Keeping in mind that the word "star," at least in the celebrity sense, is now completely devoid of its original meaning, here's a "reality" TV show we actually WOULD watch:

Gather the likes of David Hasselhoff, Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, etc. and voila! "Drinking with the 'Stars'"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2008:

Santa lore, from old tales to telly,

oft talk of his laugh-shaking belly.

Away from North Pole

one Big Night? The bowl

it shakes like's one of KY Jelly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 200 Days to Go...

It's Christmas Eve!

Go, tend to your visions of sugarplums and such...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/24/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pfft

Christmas Eve.

'Nuff said...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2008:

Give cookies and milk and that ilk?

Santa'd rather see you in silk

stockings for some nookie--

let him at YOUR cookie

and let HIM shoot YOU that, er, "milk"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 199 Days to Go...

From all of us, to all of you, a ridiculously Merry Christmas!

God bless us, every one! (With the possible exception of any management types from banks, insurance companies or automakers)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2008:

We're all sad it's over with Saint

Nick'las--but just shush your complaints!

Christmas is year's 'nads;

New Year's? Ass (good/bad)!

And we're now in Holiday Taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 198 Days to Go...

Welcome to the Holiday Taint!

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers need not read further (we hope), but... If the calendar year is a body, Christmas is the best part--the genitals--and New Year's, close by, is the ass, which is delightful and all but has a tendency to, well, shit all over (meaning, launching us into the ugliness of January and February) so... Yeah, we're in the Holiday Taint--enjoy!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/26/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: No Edition

What the hell do you want from us, the day after Christmas and all--and a FRIDAY at that!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2008:

Foot model attracted perv vermin,

like one fetishist so determined

to sex-up her feet,

kidnapped her off street--

her French pedicure did get "German'd"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 197 Days to Go...

Okay, talkin' football... Does anybody else find it odd that they call the Dallas Cowboys "America's Team"--but you NEVER, EVER meet somebody, other than a person from Dallas/Texas, who doesn't completely hate those bastards?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2008:

Though he's a sure-thing-losing bore,

on all things "green," he rules the floor.

Why, ALL are inferior--

Sec. of Interior?

Barack, why the hell not Al Gore?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 196 Days to Go...

Invisible jewelry?

Property along the astral planes?

Magic spells?

Make-believe stock "profit," Dot-coms that do nothing, imaginary credit--our economy DEPENDS on make-believe goods. Does anybody have any guesses to what the next Big Thing will be?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/28/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: We're in the Holiday Taint...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I go a little nutty over Christmas.

...You know, between the "goods" of Christmas and New Year's so, hey, we ain't filing an edition today.

Ppppp!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/28/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Let's make music

 

Our faces are starting to lose

their details in the dark.

The light is failing in the windows,

and soon we will barely see

by candlelight.

 

We have our instruments near us.

We're nest builders, trying to create

a circle of warmth and comfort

out of a rocky weekend,

no power.

 

After several false starts,

our music begins to weave together.

Matt picks out a sturdy

set of chords,

like leading us up the stairs;

 

I plik along with candy tones

on the xylophone,

their vibrations dissipating

an accumulated

cloud of frustrations;

 

and Jen lullabyes

the melody with a sweet

inhale and exhale

of accordion bellows,

tucking our tune into bed.

 

Almost immediately we'll have

to put the instruments away,

figure out dinner

and other necessities.

But as long as we're playing,

 

we're playing. We're playful.

The dark is no match

for us then. Throwing off

our obligations, we enjoy

the brief illumination.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2008:

For "progressive" picks, they seem strange.

Obama's Cab'net folks run range:

Pro eth'nol "green" poseurs,

old-school banking hosers...

It's STILL D.C.--don't count on "change"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 195 Days to Go...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who follow the news may have noticed that our "Everybody's a Victim" society now allows the families of drug abuse/overdose victims to sue other people for their dead relatives' behavior. Thus lawsuits are launched against drug dealers, friends who "should've" helped them, etc.

In many cases, people don't help such victims because, in helping them, they could be charged with drug crimes.

Thus... Shouldn't we be suing GOVERNMENT for the deadly effects of Head-Up-the-Ass Prohibition?...

A "Help Wanted" ad from a nonprofit-job Web site seeks:

"Therapist/Case Manager Adult Wraparound"

Er, guys... You may wanna place an ad like that on, say, Craig's List--the "Adult" section?

And, by the way, it's REACHaround...

But, geez, we HOPE this employee-to-be would be doing that to adults...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2008:

Though world swoons o'er ghost mortgage loans...

Dot-coms? Credit cards? Same ol' tone!

They bring future trouble

but we NEED fake "bubbles"--

our economy's cornerstones!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 194 Days to Go...

Last day of the Holiday Taint--so enjoy it...

See, Christmas Eve is kinda part of Christmas, the genitals of the year, and New Year's Eve is kinda part of New Year's Day, which is the ass of the year so... Yeah. Have a Taint-erific day!...

Okay, so there's this...he hee... Comcast holiday commercial where... Ho hoo!... (Excuse us; we can barely see, our eyes are tearing-up so badly laughing about this)... Comcast--you know, the company that censors its own customers' Internet in a way that has the Chinese government jealous?... Hee hee... Well, anyway, this couple in the commercial sees a red light coming in a horrible storm, ala Rudolph, and wonders who could possibly make it out to their home in that weather and... Ahhh-ha-ha-ha!... Turns out it's COMCAST! You know, Comcast--the Detroit Lions of Customer Service and... Oooh-hoo-hoo!... Bwahh-haa-hawww!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2008:

New Year's res'lutions? Never had 'em.

Most make lists and with false goals pad 'em.

I won't self deceive--

but play New Year's Eve

and I'll oblige as New Year's Adam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 193 Days to Go...

Coming off Christmas, the Genitals of the Year, last week, we're now emerging from the Holiday Taint to hit... The Ass of the Year! (And we're not talking about Sarah Palin--we mean as if the year itself were a body and... Ahem.)

So, before it shits us into the ugliness that is January and February... Well, tap that fine ass for New Year's Eve!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/31/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Oh, come ON...

New Year's Eve.

We sure as hell ain't filing an edition today...

 

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