Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2008:

So Edwards dropped out of the race.

His bid, all 'long, hopeless disgrace.

Could have skipped the running,

waste of time and money

list'ning to DL in first place!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2008:

I check job sites all the time, even when I'm not really "looking." See, even when you're not looking, in a field such as writing and editing, a dream opportunity can present itself at any time.

This ritual can be inspirational. For instance, I stumbled across a job title that could provide another career for, say, the likes of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, should the Hollywood stuff not work out:

"Substance Abuse Operations"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/1/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Somersault Factory

You know, realizing that I'm the Worst Music Critic on the Planet... Well, what's the point of blathering about yet another band, showcasing my inability to accurately describe their music? That's what I've been wondering. But I've also been seeking solutions.

So, today's edition marks the debut of the Entertain Yourself One-Word Music Review. And for Somersault Factory:

Purpley.

Yup. That adequately describes them. And if you wanna hear for yourself:

http://www.myspace.com/somersaultfactory

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2008:

Unsure how to join festive fray

to celebrate Groundhog's some way?

When clueless of fests

latch on, give your best--

find mate and make it "Pound Log Day"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2008:

DL/S&Y would like to wish Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers a festive holiday as we celebrate our favorite vermin.

No, no, no! We're NOT talking about ballyhoo over your least hated member of the Presidential Candidate Focus Group Brigade. It's GROUNDHOG DAY, you nutlumps...

And wouldn't ya' know, Groundhog Day falls on an Extra Cheezy Saturday this time around...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2008:

Line says, for perfection they're vying,

but Patriots win streak? Ain't buying!

League punishment, lame--

wrist slap was so tame!

No forfeit for cheating and spying?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2008:

Isn't there some sort of hoop-dee-doo going on today? Some sort of celebration of the American TV advertising industry or something? (Because, of course, we don't see enough advertising in our lives.)

Oh well. We generally hit the bathroom and/or grab a smoke for the ads, but if you're celebrating, enjoy...

It seems that, Thursday, many iPod and Blackberry users were unable to access most of their devices' functions for hours.

Meaning that millions were left struggling...to find ways to very publicly pretend they were important other than the electronic equivalent of twiddling ones thumbs...

Okay, first, "we," meaning the, ahem, editorial board or whatever at Daily Limerick, said we'd like to do John McCain's wife.

Then, I, Chief Limericist checked-in, here, retracted the statement.

So I, dropping the "we" charade, am now issuing a retraction of my previous retraction.

In other words, I'd certainly do John McCain's wife.

Do her up. Nine ways 'til Sunday. With vigor. Like a trooper.

Daily Limerick regrets the error...

Hear that, Mrs. What's-Your-Name McCain?

Rrrrrooowww...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/3/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Covering the Groundhog Yesterday...

...Not really. But I AM taking off for the week.

He hee. And after plugging the big "My Stint as a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman: Part II."

Oh, well. Tune-in next week for that.

Sunday Story Time is taking the week off...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/3/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: That exact color

 

A love song plays in another room,

out of time with the rain

ticking against the window.

 

The percussive precipitation

obscures the shiny wet road

that few are traveling right now.

 

A red smudge by the curb.

A child's coat? A shoe?

Painted flowers?

 

It's the uncertainty

and exactness

of that color,

 

moving in

and out of field,

that the sky fades and renews.

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2008:

iPods and Blackberries went mum

for hours last week--signal lost hum!

Millions dropped facade--

self-import charade--

of mod, public e-twiddling thumbs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2008:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed (I HOPE you noticed) that yesterday's edition was never posted. Hell, from what we know as we're typing this, TODAY'S edition might not be posted if this isn't resolved.

Of course, if you missed an edition, it'll be in the Archives but... This is truly disturbing.

You know, or SHOULD know, that Daily Limerick has missed... I believe one day of posting in its near nine years of existence--a max of two. (Not counting the few times we've vacationed and left a multi-day entry over the time period, still qualifying as a limerick per day or a, well, daily limerick.)

Yesterday's missed edition stems form the same reason for the other(s)... Got laid to all hell? Drunker than a skunk? Left my laptop at the opium den? Kidnapped by anti-filth in poetry activists?

Nope. Because my site's host sucks nuts. Blows donkeys. Licks horse ass.

As with the last time this happened, I'm resisting the urge to name my host here in this "public" (or is that "pubic"?) forum.

But if any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are looking for a Web host...e-mail me and I name one you should avoid...

Okay, if you decided to ignore yesterday's Super Bowl and related festivities, there's your prerogative and, well, good for you. Or indifference to you, anyway.

But if you're talking today more about the advertising than the actual game...Well, they've got you right where they want you...

Oh, and if you're actually talking about the toothless half-time "rock" performance... Well, hope is overrated, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2008:

'Gainst GOP Right Wing's felt strife

but voters have given bid life

to the prez campaign

of that John McCain...

Won't vote for him, but'd do his wife!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2008:

Woolworths stores in Britain have stopped selling a bed for young girls called the "Lolita Midsleeper Combi" model.

For...well, obvious reasons. To anybody except... Well, a spokes-shill for the company claims nobody at the company had any idea of the connotations.

Sheesh. Could've just tried Googling the name--wouldn't have even had to do a full, Hillary Clinton focus group...

(By the way, that HC reference, coupled with the McCain-themed Limerick, satisfies our Super Tuesday reference obligation)...

First came "American Idol" and all the knock-offs. Now there's the "Making the Band" or whatever the hell.

Soon, Sarah Jessica Parker will be producing a "reality" TV show featuring a contest among artists.

Like, painters, sculptors and such.

High time that pop culture took the "fine" out of "fine arts"...

Idiot L.A. City Councilman Dennis Zine is proposing a new anti-paparazzi ordinance to keep photographers farther away from stars. Oh, and Gov. Ahnold is on board with it, too.

Yeah. THAT'S why Britney and Lindsay lost it.

Screw the fact that celebs have zillions, boink supermodels and have attained ridiculous levels of fame. Why attach any negatives to the "star thang"? Oh, and screw the First Amendment, too--for too long, as a nation, we've lived in jealousy over Britain's coddled royalty...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2008:

"Idol" has played a major part

turning culture's wind into fart.

"Reality's" fart is

now eye'n visual artists--

and striking the "fine" from "fine arts"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2008:

Mississippi state lawmaker/fascist bastard John Read wants has introduced a law that would ban restaurants from serving food to the obese.

But, ohhh--DL/S&Y was just being ridiculously reactionary in saying the whole Secondhand Science craze would lead to an out-of-control Big Mother movement.

Now, they're hard at work trumping up the "secondhand fat" "science"--total control over everything we do is just on the horizon...

So, teal is the color for awareness of ovarian cancer.

That'll cure it.

Anyway, chicks are dying their hair teal, and/or adding teal streaks.

Wouldn't it be more appropriate to teal-up the pubes?

Okay. We'll shut up about this now...

Okay. We feel a little slimy at this point for blathering on about how we want to do John McCain's wife.

We've learned since learned that her name is Cindy and... Well, how very low-down and dirty of us.

This calls for a Correction...

In recent editions of Daily Limericks/Slappin' and Yappin', we have mentioned a desire to "do John McCain's wife."

What we meant was, "We really, really, REALLY want to do Cindy McCain."

Because, of course, she's her own person and all.

DL/S&Y regrets the error...

Whaddaya say NOW, Cindy?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/6/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Happy Paczki Day!

...Okay. So we're late on this.

Fat Tuesday, among the Polish, is Paczki Day. A Paczki is a donut filled with jelly or custard or... Oh, Internet search it, or see our own archives.

Anyway, there are great bargains on Paczkis after the fact. Which is why we're pointing it out. Oh, and it's a better day to celebrate because the local political commercials and annoying, pre-recorded shill calls will stop.

So get some, ya' Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! And make sure to Raspberry Sanchez her!...

(For info on that, too, see the 'chives...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2008:

Ovarian cancer fight's zeal

calls for sporting hair streaks of teal.

Like ribbons, no effort,

but makes folks feel better--

though teal pubes, to me, has appeal.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2008:

Former supermodel and Mick Jagger trophy wife Jerry Hall has been hired as the "global ambassador" for Levitra.

Meaning... Well, for one, those commercials will provide the rest of the world with fresh new reason to hate America.

But we fear this could backfire. Perhaps men considering the drug will get to wondering, "Maybe if my wife looked even a teensy-weensy bit more like Jerry Hall, I wouldn't NEED Levitra"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2008:

Levitra did put out the call

for spokesbabe--and snagged Jerry Hall.

The irony flies--

there'd be fewer buys

if wives looked like Jerry at all!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2008:

While I've made a chunk of my living via self-employment for years now (Chief Limericist checking in, here), I've been at a point recently where I can really, really use a job of sorts. Part-time, if nothing else, to supplement funds.

And... Well, if any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there are looking for work, you know how it is: You apply for dozens, perhaps hundreds of freakin' jobs and, the world being in a permanent Rude Zone for here on out, you don't hear dick 99.9 percent of the time about any of the jobs you've applied for.

And it only gets harder as you become more experienced in a field--when I was younger, any coffeehouse would take me without the annoying, "With all the journalism experience you have, WHY would you want to work here?" line--and... Oh, how I could digress.

Anyway, witness this "The Oprah Winfrey Show" guest from my TV listings:

"Clutter expert Peter Walsh."

The key, evidently, is to just invent a freakin' job for yourself.

So, I'm now a "Hot Chick Boinking Expert," folks. Contact me c/o Daily Limerick here...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/8/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Late Night Hooligan Riff Raff

The band is also known as LNHRR. And... Well, since I've long ago admitted to being the Worst Music Critic on the Planet, we'll continue with a trend we started last week. The one-word music review:

LNHRR is Bass-A-Licious.

http://www.lnhrr.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2008:

In dark, man gave paczki to Shelly;

she licked frosting first, empty bellied...

Cried, "That's no donut!"

He said, "True--and what's

all over your face now ain't jelly!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2008:

People sometimes look to me for dating advice.

This despite the fact that I have problems of my own... Namely, questionable mental health among the chicks I DO happen to reel in.

So why take dating advice from someone who's... Well, fuckin' nuts.

Think about that one a bit as you enjoy your Extra Cheezy Saturday...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2008:

The Right Wing don't like John McCain;

mod'ration, to them, seems insane!

They can't have a guy

who, on issues, flies

beyond party lines, using brain!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2008:

"See Inside" kinda headline:

"Ledger Left Poetry Behind"

Please. Isn't the tale tragic enough already?...

I guess this is a form of Public Service Announcement:

Folks, leave a message.

Yes, we live in an age when most everybody has cell phones, home phones have Caller ID, etc., etc.--but some folks are placing ads (to rent spare rooms or sell merchandise, for instance) and/or socially active and/or with many nuts in their lives... Oh, and don't forget that Caller ID, or whatever stripe, doesn't always give a name with the number. (And even if it DID... With things like, say, ads, the name doesn't necessarily register.)

Thus, mere Caller ID data can be merely marginally useful.

See, there's a marvel of technology these days that goes by various names--answering machine, voicemail, what-have-you. It allows you to state your purpose in calling so that the call receiver knows who the hell you are, what the hell you are calling about, whether he/she should call you back, whether your call is "urgent," etc.

Really. Such science exists.

So fucking USE IT, ya' morons...

"Have you tried Internet dating?"

I've had that question posed to me for some time. It's more common lately, perhaps because (shudder) Internet dating is becoming (shudder) more acceptable.

I've resisted.

Oh, Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I'm single. Have a date here and there but troubles in the whole realm, to be honest. Not that I'm different from most--hell, the whole milieu of courtship is so inherently wacky and difficult that, without it, we'd apparently have very little in the way of sitcom plots.

Now, on one hand, I'm stubborn and perhaps old-fashioned. Perhaps modern life renders Internet dating to be, indeed, normal but, like other things supposedly normalized due to "modern life"--say, prenuptial agreements--I stick to my original reaction on this one: If I can't productively date through traditional social channels, I don't DESERVE to date at all.

Now, as with many issues of ethics and morality, I'm much harder on myself than on others. I know quite a few people who've dabbled (or more) with Internet dating and I don't judge them for it.

And, to be honest, while I encounter all sorts of runarounds and flaky episodes and blow-offs and all manner of dating boondoggles, those I know who've went the Internet route have encountered the same damn things. And I have my occasional successes, as many Internet-dating friends have so... Perhaps, really, it's not a matter of either "traditional" or Internet dating being "better" but... Well, different versions of the same.

But here's what REALLY bothers me about the Internet dating concept:

Part of the selling point concerning the whole deal is that it's "smarter" than traditional means. You go to a bar or whatever, you meet someone with whom you seem to have chemistry--but you're taking a random shot, of sorts. You have no idea what their interests are, what they want out of life, etc. And with Internet dating, you only take a whirl with those who DO share the commonalities you're seeking.

So, in theory, you eliminate time and effort spent combing through masses of possible dating partners to get right to those who are "legitimate" options.

Again, in theory. Even the most pro-Internet dating of friends agree that it works...well, less than perfectly, we'll say. People lie, some of your better matches avoid the Internet dating pool... And you gotta admit that it's a magnet for the highly undesirables--and Internet dating is by no means immune to the flakiness that permeates "regular' dating.

But that's not my point, either.

The thing is... Okay, even if, for the sake of argument, Internet dating involves EVERYONE interested in dating, the stigma is completely lost with time, a method of catching any lies is enacted... Well, the point of Internet dating is to arrange your "perfect match."

Going back, what, a century?...hell, it's still around today...the predominant method of "courtship" involved one's parents deciding your "perfect match."

Now, the particulars used to pick one's spouse through arranged marriages were a lot different than those used to pick one's mate/spouse/whatever through Internet dating, of course. But... Am I just a hopeless romantic to think you CAN'T find a "perfect mate" through any form of "system"? That there are too many X Factors and such? That there's a form of near-magic "connection" that you can't analyze with data or questions or what-have-you?

I'm not the only one that feels this way. Yet...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/10/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Stint as a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman: Part II

When we last left our hero... Oh, see Part I, for Elvis' sake. It's in the archives: January 27, 2008.

So I ended up taking the job selling vacuum cleaners. I knew I was being over optimistic ("It MIGHT work out"), but also knew that we were going to be paid for a certain number of trial runs--sales pitches to friends and family--so figured I could make cash for about a month and, if the gravy train didn't kick-in, I could still return to Long John Silver's if I hadn't found something else by then.

For a few days, we were schooled in giving The Spiel. (And practicing The Spiel was the whole reasoning behind paying us for trial runs, too.) You shined a flashlight upon the waste bag of a typical vacuum cleaner, while it was running, and showed how dust nonetheless escapes the bag; you shined the light on the Rainbow vacuum to show that no dust escapes. You let the water-based Rainbow run with a drop or two of pine-scented oil inside to show off it's use as an air freshener. You broke down the "costs" of a Rainbow, demonstrating how your asking price "saves" about a thousand dollars off the "retail cost."

Oh, and you threw in free gifts. Kitchen knives, a blender, etc. (Although many of those who witnessed my trial run never received their gifts "just for giving us your time.")

The racket was supposed to run on referrals, with "no cold calls." That is, each person who schedule a Spiel was to refer you to a number of friends and such, keeping sales leads perpetually accumulating.

Now, giving The Spiel to friends and family was a lot of fun. If I could've gotten paid for doing that regularly, without the pressure of actually selling one, I might still be a vacuum cleaner salesman.

A friend of my grandmother's enjoyed The Spiel so much that she recommended me to other friends. None of them were interested in actually buying one of the overpriced things--but my Spiel became popular in certain circles.

In demonstrating the Rainbow's ability to remove carpet stains, I lifted a stain from my friend's mother's carpet that had resisted her cleaning efforts for many years...but she didn't want to buy one.

My job title was more properly "Vacuum Cleaner Spiel Giver," actually, as I didn't sell a one.

Out of our "class," or whatever you'd call it, only one guy actually sold a Rainbow, while I was involved, anyway. And he sold it on a trial run--to his aunt! This guy had a naturally shyster personality though and... Well, there was a method to this scam.

While the ridiculously priced vacuums were tough to sell, each one sold brought a hefty profit to the company. There was undoubtedly some equation behind the endeavor, ala: We run an ad for a week, that brings in an average 30 possible salesmen... 10 of them come to the second meeting... 3 vacuum cleaners are sold in x amount of time amounting in y profit after the payments for trial runs are subtracted...etc.

And there is the rare, pushy, annoying sort of person who CAN actually sell the damned things at that price.

My father ran into a guy during my stint who told him that he saw Rainbow vacuums for sale in Colorado at a third of our asking price. I began to piece things together... Within a few months, "Aqua Systems" had moved out of the old building, undoubtedly setting up shop somewhere else, perhaps as "Water-Based Solutions" or something.

While I was still amid milking my trial runs for cash, one of my bosses said he'd "accompany me on my next sales call" because "I was doing something wrong," since I hadn't yet sold a vacuum cleaner. This surprised me. I thought a step like that might only come AFTER my trial runs. And I wasn't about to give a hard sell to one of my grandma's friends so... I just never returned to "Aqua Systems." Held onto my demo Rainbow until they gave me my last check.

I ended up working at Long John Silver's that summer.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/10/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Points of ellipsis

 

The skulls lined up on the dirt floor of the cave

are looking at my boots. That is their perspective,

if they had sight. But they lack eyes. In place

they have crystals. And that is a mystery.

Who pushed these long fingers of glass-like shards

into their empty sockets? And to what purpose?

My lantern throws their faces into deep relief,

a shadowland roving and breathing however I move.

I'm the source at the edge of the light,

and the crystals pricking at the cold cloak of empty spaces

make a strange joke of this strange tomb.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/10/2008:

Regarding his band's, er, "feature" in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section (Late Night Hooligan Riff Raff):

> Thanks for the shout!! Drew Scott LNHRR

You're welcome.

Although we thought it was more of a whisper than a shout.

Or, really, a barely audible gurgle...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2008:

'Pon heath Ledger's death found to be

a mess of the cat's poetry

amid all his stuff--

as if not enough

occurred to make this tragedy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2008:

This weekend, we were made aware of the existence of "Clutter Clubs." Homeowners with clutter problems get together and...see, they... Ahem.

Maybe the question isn't so much "Why do the terrorists hate us?" as it is "Why doesn't EVERYBODY hate us?"...

Must film reviewers even bother writing-up "The Hottie and the Nottie"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2008:

She's known for cold mind and hot body

but, to understate, talent's spotty.

So critics, think through it--

spend time to review it?

We KNOW worth of "Hottie and Nottie"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2008:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I think we've all grown up being told, "If you can't say something nice about somebody, don't say anything at all."

So... Saw a photo of U.S. Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee in the paper.

He plays bass with his fingers--which I believe is a better way to do it than using a pick, having played a little bass over the years.

Oh, and he... Well, he tends to be... Guess I won't say anything more at all...

Do you think that Tom Brady ever thinks, during sex, "I'm puttin' the 'jizz' in 'Gisele'"?

Just wonderin'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2008:

Dislike for Tom Brady, can't quell.

Just don't like him--why? Hard to tell.

I don't envy him

'cept for his hot quim

and puttin' the "jizz" in "Gisele"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2008:

So.

It's St. Valentine's Day Eve.

Not celebrating this time around, now we know what it must be like to be one of those disgruntled, non-Christian, recent immigrants who bitch and moan about Christmas being "offensive."

Oh, we try to be good sports about it. To each his own; go ahead, enjoy yourself if you're celebrating.

But those hideous, garish displays of the Valentine's faithful...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/13/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Late Night Chewy Crunch

Okay, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who are up late, in need of something beyond snack but not willing or able to prepare a decent meal:

First, take a tortilla.

(On a side note, if you keep tortillas--which are so cheap it's silly--along with butter and/or shredded cheeze on-hand, you've got a microwaveable snack ready at all times!)

Then, sprinkle on some corn chips.

Then, sprinkle on some shredded cheeze.

Then, microwave that mess for 15-20 seconds.

Enjoy!

(Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is not responsible for any heart attacks, or other health problems, caused by taking "Eat It!" advice.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2008:

Expressing the Valentine's flicker

for most heeds oft-hefty price sticker.

Old phrase comes in handy,

reworked: Know that candy

is dandy--but dick her, it's quicker!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2008:

The Bush Administration's plan to crack-down on government contract fraud includes a loophole exempting companies doing business in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Oh, what's the point? Bashing Bush at this point is just piling on; kinda like saying, "Oh, and Hitler also left the toilet seat up repeatedly!"...

E-mail news update headline:

"President Bush: Noose displays and lynching jokes are "deeply offensive."

Thanks, George. We never would've guessed. You really went out on a limb with that one...er, that's probably not the best phrase to use but... In any event, that probably caps the "civil rights measures" enacted in his term...

Nice Special Valentine's Day edition we're putting together here, no?...

(Sigh.)

What the hell's the point of putting up with a lengthy Hollywood writers' strike if it doesn't at LEAST kill off the Academy Awards for one lucky year?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2008:

The strike left TV watchers bored.

Too bad didn't go few weeks more!

'd'Be worth sacrifice

if 'least would've iced,

for once, lame Acad'my Awards!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2008:

Congress is sure investigating Roger Clemens with an amazing level of zeal.

Then again, this is serious. It's not like he's playing some silly little game wherein his lies caused an unjust, hopeless war and almost 100,000 deaths or anything...

Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have a post-Valentine's hangover?

How 'bout a post-Valentine's well-hung-over?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/15/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dirty Switch

These guys rock, good and crazy, and, most importantly, have a lot of fun doing it. I liked the old school touch of a song called, "Time to Say Goodnight, Gracie" and...and... Okay, okay. I realize I'm the Worst Music Critic on the Planet, so maybe I'll go back to the one-term reviews:

Stoney Surf.

Oh, and there's a pic of "Spy vs. Spy" on their site... Ahem.

Stoney Surf.

http://www.myspace.com/dirtyswitch

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2008:

The Valentine's Grinch this yet part-

ed with old ways--thanks, Cupid's dart!

Unlike Grinch of Seuss

the organ that grew

three times in size wasn't his heart!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2008:

Okay, so St. Valentine's Day is past--but we had a good idea for the Extra Cheezy Saturday Limerick.

Plus, hey--why not treat every day as if it were St. Valentine's Day?

Hmm... Pressure to find the "right" gift...or having the entire world make you feel like a Melvin because you DON'T have somebody pressuring you into finding the "right" gift... Perhaps it's best to just leave St. Valentine's Day once a year, after all...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2008:

Toughness, Congress seemed to avoid

'bout Bush's Iraq War push ploy.

War? Small deal for nation--

save investigations

for real threats, like baseball steroids!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2008:

Woke up early Friday, despite having a late show Thursday night, and was in a kick-ass mood.

Oh. Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Oh, I had to get up early because the cable jerk was coming--"simple procedure" of changing converter boxes to ensure "digital quality" and more channels--and, of course, with the three-hour freakin' window they give, this meant I could've gotten another hour or sleep...but that was okay. Great mood, up earlier--I'll just get more done!

Well. Any extra time, and more, was frittered away with the Great Cable TV Boondoggle of 2008. Along with the great mood.

"That's old cable," said the monkey, "we have to replace it with new cable." Which meant moving around heavy furniture for the "simple procedure" because one generally gets the cables along the walls BEFORE placing furniture.

Oh, and the baboon apparently permanently "borrowed" my hammer and, if that wasn't enough to qualify as Fun Time... It was then time for the barrel o' monkeys known as "re-figuring out the Rube Goldberg-esque system of getting the DVD player and two VCRs working, alone and between each other."

Oh, but the sacrifice will be worth it, considering my picture will eventually be "digital quality"--so that if I ever mutate in a nuclear accident to have a fly's 100-faceted eyes, I'll be able to tell the freakin' difference. (I'm not boondoggled, as is the Moron Majority, into thinking I just HAVE to have the HD crap, as if it's the 1950s and I'm coming off of a 9-inch, black-and-white, rabbit-eared jobbie.)

Not to mention, of course, that I have a few hundred more channels I won't watch--meaning, thanks to the FCC's definition of "programming diversity," I'll have another dozen or so options for home decorating shows and "Law and Order"/"CSI" reruns...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/17/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Charles M. Schulz' Birthday 2008

Tuesday was Charles M. Schulz' birthday.

We didn't mention it at all in DL/S&Y but, hey, sometimes we make a dilly of holidays, sometimes we don't.

I made a mental note of his birthday--well, actually a PHYSICAL note, as I do that a lot, do to absentmindedness--and then sorta forgot about it. I did read some of the latest Peanuts Compendium that night.

In any event, I went to the grocery store after a one-day gig. On the short bus ride home, I made light conversation with a hot, red-headed chick and... Well, that was about it. As I said--short bus ride. Tough to work your way to the phone number and/or e-mail exchange that quickly.

In any event, when I arrived home, I was thinking about that chick, wondering whether I'll run into again and... It occurred to me: Charles M. Schulz' birthday. And I'm pining for a Little Red-Haired Girl. (Although she was actually kinda tall. But thin, so maybe that qualifies as "little.")

Oh, and a beagle won that Westminster Kennel Club thing for rich folk with far too much time and money.

Coincidence? Or... Then yet another revelation came to me:

Charlie Brown... Well, he didn't exactly engage in a whirlwind romance with the Little Red-Haired Girl.

(Sigh)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/17/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Inches of solid ice

 

It's hard to come see you.

You live over the top of a hill

that seems to breathe in summer,

the scenery around the car unfurling

like a green ribbon unrolling from a tube.

But winter is diametrically opposed

to meeting, or warmth. Conversations

are held over the phone or not at all.

Driving is taking your life into

your hands -- one wrong turn of the wheel

is a very wrong turn.

 

I can barely get into my own place,

at the other end of an uneven dirt parking lot.

You should see me struggling with groceries

or luggage from a business trip. I'm testing

each step, and still almost going over.

It's like a hockey game against

an invisible team. With my bread and milk,

or my suit in its black travel bag,

ready to shoot away from me,

toward the goal.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/17/2008:

Okay. This isn't exactly a letter to Daily Limerick--it's a response to my ads trying to rent my spare room(s)--but it was too good to pass up.

Here's an excerpt from this joker describing himself:

> I am 26 years old and from Berlin... I am probably gone

> the whole day since I will work 40hrs per week... I am

> very relaxed, love to joke around...

Just startin' to get weird...

> ...and have lot's of crazy ideas although I am of course

> a very serious person...

> I am very funny and I think

> we could have a great time

> I am also a little bit gay if that matters...

Oh. Well, as long as it's just "a little bit"... Actually, I don't mind if you're out and mincing about, nor if you're straight... But it's those in-betweeners that frighten me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2008:

Keep hearing 'bout Dem "superdelegates";

have questions, won't someone please tell of this?

They wear cape and tights--

save victims at night--

'less focus groups find they don't gel with it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2008:

Tom Scholz, founder of the band Boston, wrote a letter to presidential candidate Mike Huckabee upset at Huck's use of Boston's song, "More Than a Feeling" as a campaign ditty.

In all fairness, Huck's played the tune live Barry Goudreau, formerly of Boston.

"Boston has never endorsed a political candidate," Scholz nonetheless proclaimed, "and with all due respect, would not start by endorsing a candidate who is the polar opposite of most everything Boston stands for."

Here's the kicker--the attribution, as reported in the Chicago Sun-Times:

"...wrote Scholz, adding that he is supporting Barack Obama."

So... Oh, well. Kinda misspeaks for itself.

But we're puzzled as hell exactly as to what Boston "stands for"...

Wow. Congress is investigating ANOTHER sport regarding steroid use: horse racing.

We're unsure whether it's the jockeys or horses who are under suspicion...

Sorry to say, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, but most of us, upon our death, will receive but a tiny obituary in the press.

To receive more than that, you have to become a celebrity of some sort. Or, even better, shoot up some public venue...

We at Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' have discovered a cure for depression:

Whenever you're feeling depressed, masturbate!

Oh, and we also have a stock tip:

Buy stock in Jergins Lotion!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2008:

For most of us, life's end will see

a tiny obituary.

Do deeds great and cool--

or shoot up a school--

and news gives full biography!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2008:

John McCain has pledged, should he be elected president: "No New Taxes."

Hmm. Seems we may have heard this before; wonder where?...

So Jim Carrey is starring in a soon-to-be-released movie, "Horton Hears a Who."

Yes. Another Dr. Seuss tale.

Those who are ignorant of the mistakes of the past are...well, in this case, members of the movie-going public are the ones who are doomed to victimization from the cultural terrorism repeating itself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2008:

The 'Roid Witch Hunt next will be facing

performance enhancement: horse racing!

That's par for gov courses

but... Jockeys or horses?

We're not sure which ones they'll be chasing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2008:

Headline:

"Pettitte: Friendship With Roger Strained"

Well, practically speaking, er...duh.

Then again, there is the age-old argument: Friends don't let friends shrink their testicles...

Read today that a "psychic" field exists known as "toe reading."

No potential for unsavory fetishist sorts to exploit THAT. No sir...

And now it's time for another edition of...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' ANSWERS SOME RANDOM ADVICE COLUMN'S LETTER FROM A READER 2/20/2008:

> Dear Ellie:

> Is there any way to keep children from

> the over-influence of television?

> Concerned

Dear Shit-Headed in Sheboygan:

Yes. Look into an ancient, largely obsolete art called...PARENTING...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/20/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Bean Dip Lid

On my last trip to see the parents, my mother gave me Fritos as part of the care package. Thus, I bought Frito Lay jalopeno cheddar dip and bean dip to better enjoy the chips...

I continually reuse a former Frito-Lay jalopeno cheddar dip lid for canned cat food. It fits perfectly and, since I don't feed my cats an entire can at once, this works out well...

There's an episode of "The Honeymooners" wherein Ralph eats dog food, thinking it's bean dip. Delightfully comical and one of my favorites...

I decided to replace the old cat food lid with the former bean dip lid, hoping I can recreate that "Honeymooners" hilarity in my own life...

Gotta admire how we brought four, incongruous storylines together in the final nugget comprising today's "Eat It!" section. We'll go so far as to call in on par with fine literature.

And that may mark the only time you ever see the phrase "fine literature" referring to Daily Limerick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2008:

McCain, if pres, says, "No new taxes!"

Impossible pledge--that's the fact-ses!

But public, no brain trust,

will take his pledge ser'yous--

so really, now, who is the ass-iss?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2008:

Happy Jennifer Love Hewitt's' Birthday!...

Yesterday, "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" featured "8-year-old relationship expert" Alec Greven as a guest.

Can't imagine him having a whole lot of life OR relationship experience. But judging from the popular "experts" today... Well, that's apparently a plus...

Has the thought occurred to anybody else that, as the issue of health insurance becoming less and less affordable came to the forefront, technology was slowly beginning to allow more people to telecommute and new, small businesses began proliferating?

Why, a conspiracy theorist might think it's an eerie coincidence--Those in Power helping ensure that people have good reason to remain under the Corporate Wing, under control, where real Freedom of Speech is largely theory.

But, hey, that kinda thinking is for kooks. As if Those in Power would be concerned about keeping the mass population in check...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2008:

Obama & Hil & McCain

& Huckabee stoke our disdain

in running for Pres.

What focus group says

is how each conducts a campaign!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2008:

Julie Christie won a SAG Award for her role in "Away From Her," a movie about the horrors of Alzheimer's Disease.

For her award acceptance, she made a joke about senility, causing the U.S. Alzheimer's Association to chastise her.

That'll teach her to take on any project that even remotely has any sort of cause behind it...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/22/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Moist Guitars

Now, THAT'S entertainment! (I've always wanted to say that...or perhaps I have in the past. In which case... Well, I've always wanted to say that again.)

Now, they have some ass-kickin' songs, like "Dishpan Nipples" and... Well, that's enough to get your imagination stokin'. And they put on a show that... Well, while there are a lot of rockin' bands, there are unfortunately few that put on a show that causes a critic like me, even though I'm the Worst Music Critic on the Planet, to advise that you've just GOTTA see 'em live.

There are wigs and in the build-up to the performance's beginning they hide the outrageousness of the lead singer's attire behind a funky screen and... Well, you've just gotta see 'em live:

http://www.moistguitars.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2008:

A fella I know took home twins

and, just before stickin' it in,

admired each's mouth

and both's holes down south

and didn't know where to begin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2008:

I really want to get a friend named Nigel.

Oh--Chiefy Limerick, here.

A Nigel. Seems so "Behind the Music" or something. It's gotta spice up your life to have a chum named Nigel. A bean, even.

Feeling Extra, Extra Cheezy this Saturday...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2008:

Mike Huckabee's campaign went stealing

use of Boston's "More Than a Feeling"--

irked founder of band; roared:

"Huck's 'gainst what band stands for!"

(Wond'ring WHAT they "stand for," head's reeling!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2008:

Complaints by Israel and pro-Palestinian groups have led to a quarrel regarding which nation Jerusalem is attributed to for a possible version of the game Monopoly and... Guess Mid-East peace isn't even possible in a freakin' boardgame...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/24/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Courting of Anna Davlantes

Anna Davlantes is a Chicago-based broadcast journalist and oft weekend anchorchick.

I don't watch TV news regularly, especially the local stuff, because I prefer to read my news.

But when I was visiting my parents over the Holidays, where I tend to watch more TV than normal, while pondering a subject for a new poem I was fixin' to write... I saw Anna Davlantes on screen, was a bit smitten with her pulchritude and thus decided to write a poem about her.

I set a date where I'd unveil this new poem via performance, poked around online and fired off an e-mail announcing this endeavor to Ms. Davalantes, figuring it'd just go into a slush pile, eventually receive a mere cursory read from her "people"...and that would be that.

But she answered! Said she was flattered, that she occasionally attended the poetry slam I mentioned--and that she'd try to make the performance! She cautioned that, with her busy schedule, that wasn't a given--to which I replied that I could hold the poem for when she COULD attend--but that wasn't the major monkey wrench in my dreaming of the impossible dream.

For she also said, "I hope the poem is clean."

Hmm.

Now, you don't have to be a long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to realize that I'm known for naughty verse. So I told her the terrible truth, but also, truthfully, pointed out that I generally avoid the graphic, walking a fine line between naughty and outright filthy.

In actuality, the poem itself was mild, by my standards, so I e-mailed her again, a few days before the fated performance, and told her so--adding that the "worst" line was a reference to her in lingerie. "Are you going?" I asked.

No reply.

I performed the piece and kept my word to perform it, although I saw no sign of her there. I explained the genesis of the poem to the crowd and, being a regular and all, was made fun of a bit. And the poem more or less bombed. Not the most horrible of bombs, but a bomb, nonetheless.

So I again e-mailed Anna, sending a copy of the poem (as she'd previously requested).

No reply.

Since choosing her for my poem's theme, I checked in on her regular newscast slots (mostly weekends) and after the performance and sending her the actual poem... She strangely wasn't on the air for a while. I wondered if I could've driven her out of town...but, thinking that silly, figured that maybe she'd just happened to take a vacation around then, which would make more sense...right?

Well, she's back on the air and... Still no reply.

I've been doing this sort of crap since grade school and should well know by now that writing a poem for a chick you're NOT already in a serious relationship with can only bring trouble. Regardless of what any chick tells you.

Still, I suppose it's better than waiting in her bushes...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/24/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Rotater

 

That melody slides up my back

and crests over my head,

crashes into the window,

splashes against the wall.

 

It stirs the fire in an

old stone pit, brings rotating

columns of smoke and embers

dancing in space.

 

It corrodes the joints

of the desk, the bed,

the floor sets to creaking,

the song triumphantly sags.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2008:

"Monopoly" version plans 'leashed

an Arab/Israeli fight beast.

Jerusalem's claim--

which country? Boardgames

can't even enjoy Mid-East peace!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2008:

Have you seen the iPhone commercial that concurrently indulges the Facebook addict?

So... Is Apple, for some reason, trying to jumpstart the inevitable backlash?...

Okay, we realize that the following headline refers to high school sports designations but, that being said...

Headline:

"4 Teams Capable of Taking AA Title"

FOUR? Let's see: There's Team Lohan, Team Spears...

'Nother headline:

"Aaron Carter Goes to Jail on Pot Charge"

As another child star begins training for future "AA Titles"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2008:

With iPhone ads trying to cash

in on Facebook trend balderdash.

Grows more smug, annoying--

is Apple exploring

ways to speed inev'tble backlash?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2008:

So, Democratic voters are freaking out that Nader's tossing his hat into the Presidential election ring and may GIVE THE ELECTION TO THE GOP!

First of all, 2000 and 2004 weren't Nader's fault and... Well, ain't even gonna go THERE. Suffice it to say that Nader only had an effect because both Gore and Kerry were the types you'd feel guilty voting for as freakin' do-nothing, condo board members. If you can say nothing more about Hillary and Barack, they actually bring EXCITEMENT to voters.

Trust us. Nader won't have any more effect than any other nuisance candidates, like, say, Edwards and Huckabee...

You know whom we'd endorse? Anybody--and we mean ANYBODY--who uses this motto in an election, ANY election:

"Another politician spouting campaign promises that'll never happen--but less slimy than the other guy!"

Really, let's be honest about what we're REALLY voting for, shall we?...

McDonald's is now reportedly utilizing the ancient Chinese fruitcake mumbo-jumbo of feng shui to rework its restaurants, toward the end of making customers feel more comfortable and perhaps linger longer in the place.

Number one, as a city dwellers, we think there's enough riffraff hanging-out at McDonald's already, thank you.

But kudos for coming up with new and creative ways to spend profits on anything BUT worker wages...

Just a thought:

Instead of having the snooty health bullies bitching and moaning about the "threat" of secondhand science as they pass smokers huddling around building entrances, wouldn't it have been easier to, say, let business decide?

You know, they way things were going, pre-Big Mother, many restaurants and bars were going nonsmoking of their own accord and, left to their own devices, we'd probably already have a wealth of choices available to folks. Smokers would hit their places, nonsmokers would hit their own--and nobody would have to be freezing their nuts off for a smoke or fighting past a tobacco cloud to enter their office.

Sorry. We're in a bit of a Utopian mood today. Wouldn't make sense for society to start operating on common sense now. Can't teach an old dog new tricks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2008:

McDonald's has paid for feng shui

so more urban riffraff will stay

for hours. Micky D's

new way, spend money

rather than increasing grunt pay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2008:

News broadcast ad headline:

"Is Your Exercise Machine Lying to You?"

Well, we don't know about that, but after never witnessing a home exercise machine without clothing hanging all over it, or at best covered in dust, the operative question should be:

"Are You Lying to Yourself About That Home Exercise Machine?"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/27/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Eggs a la Pfeff's Mom

When talkin' fried eggs, most people consider the adjective "runny" to be a bad thing.

But when they're just a little runny... That's Eggs a la Pfeff's Mom.

The other day I was cooking fried eggs and, as is usually the case for such an endeavor, was impatient. More than ready to eat the eggs. So I slid 'em out of the pan a tad earlier than I would've otherwise intended and the taste hit me... (Doodley, doodley...that's flashback music...doodley, doodely...)

They were different than my usual fried eggs but...still delicious. Where had I tasted them before... (Doodley, doodley...that's flashback music...doodley, doodely...)

In high school, my friend's mom would ALWAYS cook them that way, for breakfast after I'd spend the night. Just a tad runny, somehow increasing the volume of yolk for the dippin' or whatever... My then-best friend Pfeff liked 'em that way. (Name has been changed, somewhat, to prevent Googling, as Pfeff is a bit...nutty these days, shall we say?)

Yet Eggs a la Pfeff's Mom is not an easy dish to make, as it may sound. Just as there's a trick to getting the exact sunny side up egg, or over-easy, here there's a trick, too. You don't want 'em TOO runny. But you don't want 'em NON-runny, either.

Try 'em yourself.

Don't fear my doodley, doodley... (If I had a nickel for every time I've said that)...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/27/2008:

> Subject: Sloop would like to be added as one of your friends!

Hmm. (Chief Limericist checkin-in--and rather disturbed about it here.)

A little afraid this might be some Bizarro World version of myself...

More possibly frightening details as I can steel myself to make them available...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2008:

Child stars freak when no longer hot.

Next: Aaron Carter, nailed for pot!

Why turn their lives 'round

when wild spiral down

for tabloid's sole fame left they've got?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2008:

Headline:

"U.N. Report Blames Israel for Palestinian Terrorism"

Of course. It's the basics of human nature and conflict. Practically instinctual among our kind.

Take children on the playground. You punch me, so I turn around and...punch a dozen innocent kids...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/29/2008:

Why, 'gain, do Dems freak about Nader--

that presidential masturbator?

No "spoiler" before--

blame Kerry and Gore!

This time, nom can out-poll a tater!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/29/2008:

A new, albeit rare, disorder has been discovered among women called PSAS, or Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

Okay, any readers involved with Big Pharma... We know we haven't exactly been kind to you but... For the love of God, please, PLEASE--let's just forget we found out about PSAS, okay?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/29/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bat Masterson

Bat Masterson plays a swingin' potpourri of early rock, country and even jazz, or at least seemingly so at times. A lot of their stuff is all or mostly instrumental and all of it leaves you bouncing in your seat, at least if you're not standing and/or dancing around.

I've had arguments about this many times in the past but, personally, I LIKE when a band has a titular song. In this case, of course, "Bat Masterson." They rock through a catchy instrumental and don't even utilize lyrics 'til the very end, culminating in "We are Bat Masterson!"

Like that. Maybe you don't. But the he