Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2008:

Another New Year has begun.

Commitments, improvements, more fun

are things we do vow

for New Year. Strange how

this comes with blahs of Christmas done.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2008:

Happy New Year, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2008:

It's hard to go on--sad to say--

with Christmas stuff now packed away.

I try to keep cheer,

think, "Christmas is near--

mere three hundred, fifty-eight days!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2008:

Pfft!

We ain't doin' much for today's edition.

Today's entry, of course, was penned YESTERDAY. New Year's Day.

Technically, New Year's Day is outside of that Holiday Taint we've been invoking as an excuse since Christmas--Christmas being the hoo-hah, New Year's being the...ahem.

The Post-Holiday Blahs, of course, began on the 26th and are really, really hitting now. So let us wallow here, at the end of the Holiday Taint, here in the...ahem...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/2/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Not Yet...

"Eat It!" will return to its regularly scheduled editions next week.

For more information... Didn't you read the above, ya' pumperknuckler?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2008:

So Hillary, correctly guessing,

that most feel healthcare's a big mess-ing,

cries, "industry crackdown"...

from their money, back down?

It's "real" as bod slam in "pro" wrestling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2008:

Okay, with neither today nor yesterday officially part of the Holiday Season, we're out of the Holiday Taint, and will thus resume our typical non-slacking editions, or semi-non-slacking editions, anyway...

Headline regarding the quest of a certain family, whom you may have read, heard or seen something about:

"Keeping Stacy in the Public's Eye"

Oh, what a noble effort! The Stacy Peterson story is in such danger of disappearing, why... It's not like you can't take a piss without tripping on a freakin' headline about it or anything...

The other day, a friend and I were discussing the old TV show "The Six Million Dollar Man" and whatever had happened to its star, Lee Majors.

Was he still working? Even occasionally? Was he dead?

Turns out, he's worse off than dead--we read that he made a recent guest star appearance on "According to Jim"...

Quite a packed edition we've put together today after that Holiday slack-off, huh?...

Okay, first of all, let's get the disclaimers out of the way on this one: Yes, smoking is bad for you; yes, if you're quitting, we wish you all the luck in the world; but, no, we're not gonna harp too much on this, as it's been a bit of a pet peeve here in DL/S&Y and we're always careful to avoid overdoing it.

But... Somebody has to speak up about the "other side"--and we've appointed ourselves one of the few outlets to do it.

So... As of Jan. 1, Illinois joined the movement to ban smoking in even taverns, citing secondhand science as the reason.

On Dec. 31, the Chicago Sun-Times actually had an editorial nagging smokers to quit.

But nooooo. This isn't a Predictable-Turn-of-the-Century Prude Movement, Prohibition III or Reefer Madness II: Legal Weed. Not at all.

Again, all the luck to you if you are, indeed, going to quit--and we can see where the forcing-you-outdoors trick could be used as that extra incentive to enact a health move you've been talking about for some time.

But... If you ARE still smoking, consider putting off that decision to quit for a bit. Because--and again, we're trying not to beat the corpse of this decaying horse--that way, you're sending a message to our government that maybe they CAN control behavior of adults. That is, non-criminal behavior, which the government has no business attempting to control and... Ahem.

Since ancient times, when the Chinese effectively started the War on Drugs with opium bans, these moves have always failed and/or backfired. We, apparently, can't help repeating the mistakes of the past.

So losing a bad habit BECAUSE of the government's actions regarding it just kindles their false hopes. If enough people quit, perhaps it even temporarily staves off the tobacco smuggling, the outright law-ignoring, the "forbidden fruit" factor INCREASING usage among youth, the hopeless government budget disasters, the paving of the way for the law requiring servings of fruits and vegetables each day... But that's exactly what's coming.

(Don't laugh about the fruit and veggie law idea. You don't think the idea of laws BANNING SMOKING IN FREAKIN' BARS weren't laughable 20 years ago?)

In fact, we'd like to advise all to help bring about the inevitable conclusions to this lunacy sooner than later so we can get on with actually progressing as a society. So we'd like to advise you to openly flaunt the silly laws. To buy your smokes from the smugglers. To... But, well, we feel we shouldn't do that.

So we won't. Officially...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2008:

The media folk are all raucous--

today is Dem Iowa caucus!

They'll cover it silly

though most feel: no dilly--

it just too damn early to gawk-us!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2008:

Headline:

"Former President Provides Glimpse at Wife's Human Side"

(Sigh.)

Bill, Bill, Bill. We know that, setting our Utopianism aside, lying is part of politics but... Such an obvious one? We ALL know that Hillary doesn't HAVE a human side...

In Chicago, a mother-daughter maid service team found themselves trapped in an elevator for two days over the Holidays.

Oh, and they were both Polish immigrants.

Send in your punchlines, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--they almost write themselves!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/4/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Drama Junkies

Today's edition is even more pathetic than normal, considering the Drama Junkies' Web site has a "coming soon" message on it.

More pathetic, you ask than the typical edition from the Worst Music Critic on the Planet? Hey, it's a new year and time for new frontiers!

I guess I'll have to rely on my notes...or at least my "notes": They have great vocal harmonies and can not only rock, but can rock tender. (There's a thick line between tossing out a cheezy monster ballad and actually making the ballad rock, in its own way.)

Seems a little thin for a feature, no?

Okay...write what you know, as the saying goes... The lead singer is hot. A bit short, I suppose, but it somehow contributes to her overall pulchritude. Oh, great voice and presence, too, but... She told me just before they went on that she'd "talk to me afterward." And didn't.

So, I'm still waiting, Lisa. And I'll figure out some way for you to make it up to me. It could get complicated, what with the olive oil and bing cherries and... Ahem. That's a tangent for another time and place.

Eventually, they'll have something on the site, so here's the link anyway:

http://www.dramajunkies.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2008:

The "date," in her mind, was debacle--

blacked-out. But for him, mind is chock-full...

Mem'ries of perv arts--

don't know 'bout his heart

but recalling it sure warms his cockles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2008:

Breaking News:...

With the Chief Limericist (checked-in here):...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall my declaration, probably a couple years back now, that Lindsay Lohan wasn't all that hot.

Well, I saw a pic of her drinking the other day, which is something she seemingly shouldn't be doing.

So now...and I realize this is just SOOO wrong, and I feel as if I constantly need a shower for thinking it... Well, now I wanna do her up nine ways 'til Sunday, as they say (and which I still don't exactly get).

We now return you to your regularly scheduled... Aw, what the hell? As long as I'm at it and it's an Extra Cheezy Saturday edition, will give you an extra surprise:

I also wanna do Keira Knightly.

I could go on, of course...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2008:

Bill Clinton's campaign role? He's tried

bein' folksy; show'n Hil's "human side."

But bid? Could be doomin'!

We know Hil's not human--

even for campaigns, blatant lie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2008:

Headline:

"Driver Follows GPS Into Train's Path"

Really, the terrorists just have to wait 'til we're a wee bit more technologically addicted...and we'll take care of ourselves.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/6/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Betsy's Cookies

For the last few years, I've received no Christmas cookies.

Now, get your mind out of the gutter! I mean actual COOKIES, backed with chocolate chips and jimmies and what-have-yous.

Making matters worse, I've been told I'd receive Christmas cookies two years in a row. Then was stiffed. And what do you do? "Where the hell are my cookies?" They're a gift, really, and you can't go ASKING after them.

So I've been cookie blue-balled. More than once.

This year, a friend of my parents, Betsy, gave me a tin of cookies. Not only gave me them, but purposefully planned, made and gave them to me. Chocolate chip. Delicious to a grand degree, I'll add--chewy, yet with a crunch around the edges. Near cookilicious perfection!

Possibly the best gift I received, all factors considered...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/6/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The glass

 

The moment you realize the magnitude

of your loneliness is shocking. When

getting your thoughts together

in a letter to a friend, the whole mess

of it blazes up. And you thought it was

just colored balls sliding over glass.

 

But it's more, and not easily ignored.

When you reach out, you are aware

in each fingertip of the glass,

the knowledge that smiles can grow cold.

Out in the frantic world, you ball yourself up

until you can safely, sweetly unravel at home.

 

But how safe and sweet,

in an empty room?

How much bravery is fear,

irrationality,

the terror of judgment?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/6/2008:

> SUBJECT: "I also wanna do Keira Knightly" you say?

> Ha! Ha! You (like me) are always so...ahem, horny. The rumor

> is that even Dunkin Donuts has a restraining order out on you.

>

> Happy New Year, Fast Eddy

Chief Limericist checking in, here (as it seems this is directed to me)... Well.

I hardly think I'm the only man around who'd like to nail Keira Knightley. Whose name the both of us spelled wrong, I now know, which isn't helping my cause... But you're saying she hangs at Dunkin' Donuts?

America runs on spunkin'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2008:

First thought, was just cute--crush for lads.

Lin Lohan? Not so hot; a fad.

But pic of her drinkin'

when not s'pposed to? Thinkin'

now I wanna do her REAL bad!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2008:

From a Chicago Sun-Times feature, "Chicago Daily News: On This Date," which relates old news stories from the defunct paper, this one from 100 years ago:

"Women may continue to lose the right to smoke in certain Broadway restaurants and public places in New York City under a proposed ordinance, the AP reported."

Hmm.

The optimist angle... You can argue that we continue to repeat the mistakes (and civil rights rapes) of the past... But THIS time around, the oppression is inclusive of all sexes, races, creeds, etc...

Thank God the FCC's cleared the way for Media Behemoths to own even more media outlets.

Maybe now we'll see more of the programming we sorely lack. Like celebrity "reality" dance shows...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2008:

The driver--headline stuns the brain--

followed GPS, hit a train!

The terrorists who'd

kill us need not do

much--watch tech addiction do slay'n'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2008:

Thanks for reading, first off--taking time from all your Elvis' Birthday festivities to check in...

Now, between us all here at the Daily Limerick Towers, we have all sorts of friends and family members, from all walks of life, with all types of hobbies and interests and... Well, we just gotta ask:

Does ANYBODY out there know anybody who really gives a shit about all this primary and caucus and general election spin fest at this early point in time?

Not counting members of the news media, of course, wondering why the industry is going down the toilet as they cover this crap to death...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2008:

Traditional med'ya's embroiled 'n it,

while public, by and large, recoils--shit,

debates and primaries?

Such spin fests, it's scary...

Yet, Old Guard's shocked biz swims in toilet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2008:

Headline:

"Strike Dooms Golden Globes"

For those of you wondering, "Can unions and organized labor still have a positive effect on our lives," there you go: incontrovertible, positive evidence...

So Starbucks is actually looking at closing some shops in the near future.

A bit of lemon juice in our cynical eye that says, "New Year, same old."

Nonetheless, it might prove tougher to give folks urban directions. "Go up three blocks, turn left at the Starbucks; go down another block, turn right at the Starbucks; then go up...oh, about six blocks, to...er, not sure what it is now, it USED to be a Starbucks"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/9/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Crabcake Guy

I worked various in-office, lightly paid editor jobs at my college newspaper. Students who joined our "newspaper workshop" class were unpaid but designated "staff writers" and, between the class and them coming in and out of the office to work on stories, do research, hang between classes, etc., I'd get to know some fairly well.

There was one guy... I don't remember his name. In fact, I can't even recall his face at this point but... One overheard conversation of his is permanently filed away in my memory banks. His end of it went something like this:

"They warned me to stop eating the crab cakes all the time. But they're so good!... So they caught me again eating the crab cakes, and it sucks, losing my job, but the crab cakes are just so good, I couldn't stop!"

A man with his priorities in order...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2008:

I'm sure glad that the FCC

cleared likes of the Trib Company...

Let conglom'rates grow!

Guess more "star" dance shows

is programming "diversity."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2008:

Okay. There's a certain movement afoot that we've decided we rant too much about and... We'll try to avoid the topic directly, but here's a frightening yet related development.

Asswipe St. Charles, Mo. city councilman Richard Veit has introduced a proposal to ban swearing in bars. And table-dancing. And drinking contests. And profane music.

And initially laughable civil rights crackdowns like this don't ever actually become taken seriously and join reality, do they?

And, oh no. This isn't stemming from some movement so in a hissy fit over the lifestyle choices of others that it seeks out fuzzy science solutions to claim the behavior is hurting others so that government can reach into the very lives of adults making choices that those in power don't like... Ahem.

No, not at all...

By the way, why don't you let Mr. Veit know what you think of his proposal, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?--

RVeit@stcharlescity.com...

Okay, okay. We'll weight-in on the presidential primaries, as every other news outlet is covering them to death so that the reading public can ignore it all:

We'd do John McCain's wife.

And she seems a bit beyond our target-age demographic.

Still.

There you go.

Daily Limerick: At the forefront of 2008 presidential election coverage...

Funny thing about the environmentalist movement... Let me start by saying that what we really need are the Big Solutions. Wide-sweeping policies and inventions. Because the Honor System just ain't gonna cut it.

But the honor system I mean the folks putting their recyclables in proper containers, riding bikes, what have you. And acting all smug about it.

If you'll pardon the expression, or even if you won't--these "solutions" don't mean dick. One nutloaf on a bike isn't gonna save the world's oil supply or solve its usage problem. A hundred nutloaves isn't, either. We're not a trustworthy or inherently good species. Enough of us will NEVER do the right things, left to our own devices--unless we get something immediate out of it.

And we're starting to get the hunch that many of these Honor System ways of "saving the environment" are just mindless ritual to make us feel better about ourselves.

I have a dishwasher--my place came with it, Chief Limericist checking in, here. I'd heard that you're not supposed to rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, to save water and blah blah blah. So although my original inkling was to rinse them a bit, at least of the major stuff... I just tossed the filthy dishes in there for a few runs. Proving why they say you should often listen to your original inklings.

Dishes came out with chunks of food on them--washed and sanitized food, I suppose, but still. And while I don't have the latest, top-of-the-line model, I don't have a jalopy of one, either. And, no, I didn't just toss half-eaten burritos and shit in there--I'm noted for generally cleaning my plate, although there were a few ugly saucepans and such.

So I ended up rinsing the damn dishes, and having to re-dry them by hand, anyway.

Oh, and let's talk recycling. You're supposed to take those cans and glass jars and RISE THEM OUT. So you save on some plastic/aluminum/steel/whatever-the-hell, but in exchange you waste water.

So... I don't know what the end lesson is of all this. I'm in favor of saving the earth and all that la dee da.

But a lot of us are just humoring ourselves. I'll admit--I'm guilty, too. I religiously recycle the paper I use, and I use a lot, reading a newspaper daily. I like to think maybe I won't save The Trees, but perhaps a few bushes in the rain forest, or something.

The rest of you: Wipe that haughty grin off your puss...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2008:

Think that today, organized labor's

irrelevant, rattling dull saber?...

Well, writers' strike clout

took Golden Globes out

and did us all big freakin' favor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2008:

Headline on a column by Gloria Steinem:

"Why I'm For Hillary"

Scintillating reading, I'm sure.

Can't imagine why...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/11/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Blast from the Past

Okay... It's not the DISTANT past, exactly... In fact, it only goes back a couple of weeks... Remember the 2007-08 Holidays? How I slacked through the Holiday Taint and all?

Well... C'mon. Worst Music Critic on the Planet hasn't even emceed a music show since before Christmas.

So enjoy this walk down slack-off Memory Lane...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2008:

Here's tip, for next short chick you bop:

When into "the cowgirl" she flops,

raise her ankles high,

grasp both fun-sized thighs

and spin her around like a top!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2008:

Now, we've heard jokes about people with liberal arts degrees.

Must have been made up by a bunch of conservative arts majors...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2008:

Though my team's out, giving me blues,

for NFL playoffs, must choose

some team to root for.

What I do hope for's,

above all, that Patriots lose!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2008:

So, Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire dillio, after Obama won the Iowa thing-a-ma-bob. And everybody said it was no biggie for Obama. Early in the race and all.

But now...oh, poor Obama! Two critical hits in a week!

Of all the lousy luck: A John Kerry endorsement...

By the way, call us cynical but...we'd bet anything that Hillary's little "choke-up" was focused-grouped ahead of time...

As time passes, we, as a society, tend to bitch and moan about what gets left behind.

Many times, the sentiment is tough to disagree with. Being friends with everyone in your neighborhood, talking to actual people instead of negotiating voicemail prompts, no "reality" TV--all wonderful things, perhaps forever lost in the bottom of history's infinite hourglass.

Now, people tend to view the past with a rosy tinge, of course. Reminiscing usually doesn't touch on, say, lack of child labor laws, socially acceptable racism or lower life expectancies. But even setting that aside, most whiners--and we are a race of whiners; it's not in our blood to point out the pluses of modern life--have good points. And it can be productive to seek measures of preserving the pluses of the past that would otherwise die amid "progress."

But some of these lost gems of the Golden Age are just...bullshit.

Take the people upset that letters are no longer a big thing. "People don't write letters and mail them anymore."

Well...people in effect write MORE letters than ever now...in the form of e-mail. Even 15 years ago, I wouldn't sit down and handwrite a letter to my cousin in California--not to mention slap a stamp on it and take it to the mailbox. But we e-mail fairly regularly. So, on this count, the present out-sentimentals the past.

Oh, there are complaints about the "feel" of paper. The crispness of a physical letter and all that drippy, dippy hokum. We'll even admit there's a small point there--the art of handwriting and dooble dee, dweeble dee, doo.

But don't say e-mail can't be romantic.

By the way, it was actually that darn intern Fred who peeked in the Chief Limericist's in-box...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/13/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Speak Softly and Carry a Large Polish Sausage

Over the Holidays, I had an especially festive evening planned.

First, there was a potluck. After that, I'd attend a show featuring a band I know, for I also know much of the band's fans from my emceeing duties. And if that weren't enough, the final phase entailed popping into a bar on the way home, where a certain bartender worked, one who'd cast an amorous eye toward me at our original meeting.

I brought a package of cookies and a kielbasa to the potluck. Normally, this wouldn't affect the evening, as you lose your food at the potluck, point of a potluck being for everybody to feed everybody else.

But I forgot to set out my Polish sausage and thus ended up carting it along on for the rest of my journey.

It was actually a great conversation starter. "You'll have to excuse my kielbasa..." Stuff like that.

And, no, I didn't pants it.

Leave it to the dirty minds of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to ruin a perfectly delightful...well, I guess the story lacked a touching angle to begin with, not to mention a witty capper of an ending, but still...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/13/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Delicate

 

This delicate thing gone.

Over time, it won't matter --

other things will succeed it.

But oh how it hurts,

this delicate thing gone.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/13/2008:

The beginning of this blathering comes from an un-credited news story:

> "California wants to control home thermostats

> Next year in California, state regulators are likely

> to have the emergency power to control individual

> thermostats, sending temperatures up or down through

> a radio-controlled device that will be required in new

> or substantially modified houses and buildings to manage

> electricity shortages.

Then, some Slapper Yapper Grasshopper commentary:

> John-John (Sloop), How did Illinois let California beat

> them tho the punch on this one. Its like a fight to see

> who can take the most freedoms away faster.

In any event (Chief Limericist apparently ordered to check in, here), there HAS to be less chance of having your nuts roasted off than there was when my ex-wife controlled the thermostat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2008:

So Hil's N.H. win, says the scoop?--

Choke-up brought her back in the loop!

Brought "human" veneer

but we think the tear

was first, beyond doubt, focus-grouped!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2008:

Cheerleaders shouldn't be allowed to wear long pants.

Just sayin'.

Well, with all the celebrity worship and election spin, SOMEBODY'S gotta focus on the important issues...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2008:

Obama lost New Hampshire round;

but, still, with Hil tied; he'd rebound.

Then came, without tarry,

endorsement from...Kerry?

Sure John K--kick man when he's down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2008:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Found myself, alone on Sunday night--blown-off, if truth must be told--listening to a live version of Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango"...three times in a row.

Now, there's an explanation. It's actually sorta work related, as I do make some money, if peanuts, through performing and... In any event, I'm not quite comfortable with this incident...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2008:

Around the tough issues, won't dance--

I delve deep in facts and take stance!

Cold weather? Boo hoo!

We've all jobs to do--

cheerleaders should not wear long pants!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2008:

Special Steroids Edition (accidentally)...

From a Chicago Tribune headline e-newsletter:

"THE CASE FOR STEROIDS. A University of Wisconsin professor says they should be available, under a doctor's supervision, to any athlete who wants them."

Interesting. It only makes sense that, like drugs deemed "illegal," given government and medical profession oversight, steroids would... Oh, but wait. There's another, related headline in the same e-update:

"Illinois joining small but growing number of states requiring random drug-testing for teen athletes"

Okay, forget those pesky facts and statistics; we have a Witch Hunt!...

Our daily news perusing also brings us word that rappers are under investigation by the state of New York for steroids usage.

Um... Guys? Yeah... Uh, steroids are for, well... Ahem.

Maybe we'll just put our Chief Limericist on the birth control pill and finally, fully join this Pharmaceutical Generation...

We keep seeing the phrase, "'Idol' Rejects" in the news.

Referring, of course, to contestants on "American Idol."

Which renders the phrase redundant.

Although some are snowed into thinking they're not mere future trivia question answers with a CD deal...before being, ultimately, rejected...

Actually, now that we think of it... Past the third season, the "winning" howlers will even be rejected as trivia question answers...

We keep seeing this ad on the sides of buses and such and... Well, we may paraphrase, but it goes a lot like this:

"Get Your Vitamins from an Amber Glass Bottle--Not From a Can of Soda"

Call us old fashioned but... Is getting your vitamins the only proven, healthy way--from eating vitamin-bearing foods--out of the question, then?...

And now for another edition of...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 1/16/2008:

According to a study published yesterday by the National Academy of Sciences, when tasting wines, respondents preferred the more expensive varieties 80 percent of the time.

More expensive defined as...well, as only having a label saying so.

Thus, as we've maintained all along: Wine snobbery is a ruse.

The jig is up.

You can all knock it off now; seek out some other way to "prove" your superiority over those making less money while getting schnockered under the rubric of a "cultured palate"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/16/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Carl Karcher, 1917-2008

Sniff, sniff.

Yes, the founder of the Carl's Jr. hamburger chain has died. Rather than dwell on the details of this Great Man's life, which you can find in standard newspaper obituaries, we have an inspirational story to tell, one that testifies to the many ways in which Mr. Karcher touched so many lives.

When I lived in L.A., a friend of my then-wife, and her boyfriend, visited for what was mistakenly called the "Turning of the Millennium" and New Year's Eve, 1999. (The new millennium, of course, actually arrived January 1, 2001, to little fanfare, but we're too impatient a race to heed details.)

Long story short... My then-wife's friend is a total nutjob. She and her man alternated between having loud and boisterous sex and loud and boisterous arguments. Oh, and is so often the case, he was one of the nicest guys imaginable and she was a flaming bitch--at least to him. Well, except when they weren't having loud and boisterous sex, anyway, which is undoubtedly why he stuck with her.

Now, the couple stayed a few days past the Holiday. I and my then-wife still had our regular jobs to go to, so when the loud arguments started coming at 3 a.m., then-wifey had a "talk" with her friend. Who got pissed-off and actually went to the airport in the middle of the night, changed her ticket and flew back to Chicago early.

That was a bit awkward, dealing with her "boyfriend" after that, as he, for whatever reason, couldn't change the date on his ticket home. ("Boyfriend" was still correct, as he actually stayed with her for many months after the incident and SHE broke up with HIM in the end.) And I dealt with the brunt of the awkwardness, working freelance from home for much of my week.

He and I had a bonding point, however. Carl's Jr. had been heavily advertising its "guacamole burger" and we both wanted to try it out. So one day, not having usage of a car, we took a long walk to the nearest Carl's Jr. and had one.

It was good, I suppose, if a bit gimmicky.

I haven't seen the cat since. But if I did tomorrow... We'd still share a special bond. Beyond a special bond--a Burger Bond.

And we owe it all to Carl Karcher.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2008:

All hope new year has change 'hind door;

lest let-down, hope wee bit, not more.

Yet '08 looks bright--

curbing urban blight

with Starbucks (gasp) CLOSING some stores!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2008:

Okay, we realize that terrorists will kill women and children and attack hospitals and churches but... Call us still tinged with a bit of the "guilty, white, straight guy liberalism," we've figured all along that, deep down, they are human beings. But... Well, headline:

"Taliban: We'll Attack Westerners' Restaurants"

(Gulp.)

This entails a revision of our attitudes toward the terrorists.

Filthy animals... Is NOTHING sacred to those guys?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/17/2008:

In regards to the untimely death of Carl Karcher, founder of the Carl's Jr. hamburger chain, and our, er, "tribute" in yesterday's "Eat It!" section (and, by the way, how could Carl's death be "timely," in any event?):

> I raise a 4x4 animal style in Carl's honor. Get me to the ER now.

"4x4"? We're confused. Haven't been to a Carl's Jr. in a while... Is that an offering there now?

And we can't help you with the ER, although Fred, the intern, knows CPR. (Or so he says. We think it's a cheap ploy to kiss chicks who've passed out.)

And...again, we're confused... "Animal style?" Is that kinda like doggy style?

Or... Wait a minute. Is this David Hasselhoff?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2008:

So steroids are now used by...rappers?

First thought, seems their brains are in crapper!

But turn muscles thick

which helps them with chicks--

big diff'rence when they go to slap her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2008:

The Chicago Fire (pro soccer team) will soon have the Best Buy logo emblazoned on players' jerseys.

In case you needed another reason to ignore soccer...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/18/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Mouse

Mouse is a rapper. And a filthy one, at that. But--and this is an important but, if not as important as Jennifer Love Hewitt's--he's actually FUNNY in his filthy, something the filthy often miss.

I saw him performing with an accomplice, Crimson Cat. Don't know how Mouse sounds without him, but was a fan off C.C., too, from what I saw.

With tunes like, "I Fucked Yo Mom"...well, you get the idea. (That one is allegedly based on a true story, as are all of his works--although he cops to embellishment.) But he also tickles the funny bone with less raunchy numbers, such as "Do the Molly Ringwald" (about white people dancing).

Oh, and he has a song about anal sex and... Well, this smokin' hot chick who came to see him claimed it was about her.

Don't wanna go there, exactly but... Well, chickie, whatever your name is, you can feel free to booty call me. Sounds like special emphasis might be on "booty." He hee.

Ahem.

"To dream, the impossible dream"...

http://www.myspace.com/mouseonmyspace

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/18/2008:

Okay, so the lump-muffin who checked in regarding our special "Eat It!" tribute to Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher checks in again, this time regarding the confusion we expressed regarding his talk of a "4x4 animal style":

> Whoops! I was thinking of In 'N Out. That's probably

> the worst "In memoriam" ever.

Thanks for sullying a great man's legacy--and making us a partner in your blaspheme by confusing us, to boot.

Now we gotta call off the freakin' seance...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2008:

Man needed good actress--no slouch!

One pleasant to work with--no grouch!

Knew he'd found the one

when, post-audition,

had to hose-down the casting couch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2008:

A little while back, we came up with a catchy slogan for Daily Limerick:

"Chicken Soup for the Hole"

Now, in the interests of being inclusive, we'd like to add that we're also:

"Chicken Soup for the Pole"

"Pole" referring to, of course, any Polish reader...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2008:

Though told by GOP and Dems

they're evil, I've thought terror stems

from human urge skewed.

But... Target fast food?

Guess it's true--naught's sacred to them!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2008:

So Omar Osama bin Laden, you-know-who's son, a British citizen, says he's working to garner understanding between Islam and the West.

That's all fine and good. Certainly nobler than his pop's line of work.

He and his wife are organizing a 3,000-mile horse race across North Africa to, as I read it, "draw attention to the cause of peace."

Because all we really need to stop the warlords from fighting in the name of God and/or land and/or resources and/or for the hell of it is a freakin' horse race.

They'll all just set down the guns; "Look at the pretty horses!"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/20/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The First Time Some Guy Heard Hendrix

When I was...somewhere between 18 and the early 20s, I guess, me and some friends ended up hanging out with some real hippies, which we found especially cool at the time.

See, I came of age in the late '80s/early '90s and I, along with most of our friends, found our time in the sun, and our generation, to be lame. Swayed, perhaps, by the 20-Years-And-It's-Retro-Cool Marketing Machine, we looked to the '60s as a magical time of rebellion, peace, love and... Well, the typical things the decade brings to mind.

Now, I've often wondered how young folks rectify the "my parents are sooo uncool" mantra with the 20-year retro thing, but I didn't really have to. My parents came of age in the late '50s/early '60s and thus, while TECHNICALLY part of the '60s thing, came before all the freakiness. So I could bolster the "parents are unhip" argument by saying, "They didn't even have long hair or drop acid!"

Anyway, one of these real hippies--I THINK it was the "youngest of his brood" uncle of a slightly younger friend, but I'm not sure--told a story of the first time he heard Jimi Hendrix.

He and some pals were hanging out in a park or something, outdoors. A car drove by, blaring Hendrix's music--evidently, a new release then. The music, even from a passing car, blew his mind--and so he chased down the car. "What IS that you're listening to, man?"

Allegedly.

I feel I have to add the A-Word because, again in all fairness, not only does time (and willful embellishment) color the world of memory, but it seems to have went extra crazy with the paintbrush for the Decade of Love.

That being said... For whatever reasons, including my own built-in lie detector, I believed the guy's story.

But it only served to reinforce the perceived lameness of my own time.

While music has continued to evolve, and youngsters will continue to rebel hand-in-hand with modern music they can claim as their own, I can't imagine a new musician having that effect on people anymore.

And this is not intended as a commentary ala, "They don't write 'em like that anymore." Music, like all arts and scientific invention, evolves much faster now--and there are more choices than ever before. Things are also more divided--any "New Beatles" today would not just have to capture the whim of the hipsters. Such a band would have to capture the metal heads, the goths, the techno kids, the pop fans... I just don't think it's possible. At least at this point in time.

Again, I'm not just gettin' all misty over the past, here. (Which would be especially dorky, considering it wasn't even my time.) Without digressing on the evils of Big Entertainment, I realize that the modern scenario has a lot of pluses, starting with the diversity of choices.

But... Well, a part of me does wish that I could tell a story like that dude's First Hendrix Tale...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/20/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Joining what's separate

 

People were frightened by our exuberance.

 

I was throwing down some deep bass blasts,

Matt added his rhythm to the textural stew

and Jen filled in with her own improvisations.

We were unstoppable, a beat-boxing trio

let loose in the grocery store.

 

Shoppers looked nervous as we approached.

One child on roller skates seemed interested,

but his mother quickly pulled him down an aisle.

It reminded me of the time I was on a bus

wearing lipstick, headed to a friend's costume party.

People recoiled. They changed seats. They tried

not to stare.

 

You might think that I reveled in the reaction then

and that we reveled in it at the store. But no.

We were not trying to upset the status quo.

It was not carefully planned to freak out the crowd.

It simply happened, without malice aforethought,

as we shopped for ingredients for the weekend visit.

 

But if we had entered the store

with a camera crew behind us, hoisting sound equipment

and heavy lights, trailing cords like the tail of a kite,

the store's consumers would have been fascinated.

They would have come up to us and asked questions.

 

They might have even

joined in.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2008:

So pro soccer's major new score? It's

biz logos on jerseys--pays for it!

Pro sports biggest sell out

it give you a swell "out"--

if you need one more, to ignore it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2008:

Happy King Day!...

We read a story recently about former NHL player Rob Ramage being sentenced to four years in prison for a 2003 drunk-driving crash in which his passenger, former NHL player Keith Magnuson, was killed.

Now, we understand strict punishment for driving while intoxicated. Makes perfect sense. But we question whether any extra penalty should be tacked-on regarding Magnuson's fate.

See, Magnuson likely knew he was climbing into a car with a liquored-up Ramage. So... Well, unless you can show that Ramage fooled Magnuson into thinking he was sober, or that he forced Magnuson into the car... Well. There you go.

We're not gonna start a big campaign about this or anything. But it seems common sense-y.

Strange entry today, we know. You know us--always latching on to some popular cause...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2008:

Now Queen of celeb gossip chatter,

Brit's gone nuts; folks ask, "What's the matter?"

Yet there's a bright side

it seems, if I'd try,

even I could have a crack at her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2008:

Don't believe, as DL/S&Y has long maintained, that the Four Horseman of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse are upon us?

Book title:

"Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul"

Wait... Listen. Can you hear the hooves clapping in the distance?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2008:

So Bush wants to give us all money--

long shot, to turn 'conomy sunny.

Most will pay debts, though--

though Fed hopes the po'

will buy--screw selves, keep commerce running.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2008:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

When you're a guy who cooks in this day and age, you... Well, suffice it to say that I made a pot of chicken soup from scratch last weekend and have been using it as a ploy to get chicks over to my place.

Then the thought occurred to me: I should call it "Chicken Sloop."

Well... This wasn't written on the day after King Day, so we'll go with that excuse for a pathetic edition...

Okay, okay. Here's more:

On second thought, I don't think I'd actually do John McCain's wife.

Ahem.

See, I said I wanted to a while back, but it must've been a real good photo or something and... Damn King-over...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/23/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: You Say "Tomato," I Say "Crappy Tomato"

Pizza Hut is running a promotion for its "Pizza Mia." See, they try to continually come up with "new" pizzas but... Well, there are only so many decent (or partially decent) ideas for new pizzas, so they come up with stuff like this half the time.

I don't even remember most of what's supposed to make the Pizza Mia "different." One thing, though, from the commercial, is the "vine-ripened, California tomatoes."

Which is what brings us to today's point: Tomatoes from California are lousy--although, admittedly, coupled with the likely meaningless phrase "vine-ripened," the commercial will probably accomplish its marketing goals.

Having grown up in the Midwest... Let's just say that when I lived in California, I didn't buy tomatoes. In fact, I really have only ever bought tomatoes in the summer, when the Midwest ones are in season because... Well, there ARE no tomatoes that taste that delicious.

California and its sunny deal makes for great growing weather, for many things. But they don't have the soil for tasty tomatoes--or corn, for that matter. California soil is largely clay. Perhaps that makes for great jalopeno growing--and jalopenos probably suck grown in Midwest soil but... Well, that's how things go. Some things grow well here, some there, etc.

So there. If I can prevent one person from being hornschwaggled by the Pizza Hut "Pizza Mia" scam, I've done my duty...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2008:

One tragedy of writers strike:

We won't read, play games, take a hike...

So when shows are back,

we'll cherish shows' hacks...

and cheer further dumbing down...yikes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2008:

So, Fred Thompson has dropped out of the Presidential race.

But...can we rejigger things to let his wife run for First Lady somehow? Pretty please?...

Any employee of any company who, in any way shape or form, was involved in making the decision, or continuing the practice, to have people apply for jobs at said company via an online system, filling out every portion of a resume before HAVING THEM ATTACH THE RESUME AT THE END OF THE ORDEAL, nullifying the whole tanglement of red tape (and thus probably indulging their perversion toward and attraction to red tape), is thus a terrorist and should be treated as such and prosecuted to the highest extent allowed by law...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/24/2008:

Checking in regarding Wednesday's "Eat It!" section, which ripped Pizza Hut for bragging on the use of California tomatoes when California tomatoes suck ass, especially compared to the finest on earth, Midwest tomatoes in season:

> Point of fact, New Jersey summer tomatoes are the very best

> that I ever tasted. I mean the vegetables and not necessarily,

> the ladies. Fast Eddy

Hmm.

While we're sure they beat California tomatoes, we haven't tried them yet, so can't officially bash New Jersey tomatoes.

For that matter, we can't bash New Jersey ladies either. Or can we... Hmm. Don't have time to think on that; maybe we can, maybe we can't.

Do the tomatoes also have big hair, somehow?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2008:

Fred Thompson's campaign was just shady;

withdrew quick from candidate slate-y.

Though his bid's lost life

can--please!--his hot wife

still run, somehow, for our First Lady?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2008:

Note to telemarketer types who may be reading:

A phone message can't possibly be a "very important call" when it's pre-recorded and just so happens to toss your actual name awkwardly into the mix...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/25/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Doggy Bag

Doggy Bag is one helluva band.

They rock--but have a distinguished sound. And they're Europeans, if that means something to you. (Judging from the hot babes who come to their shows, it does. But, come to think of it, those babes are also European. Hmm.)

I was gonna do the "right thing," check the Web site, give you actual song names--and even tell you exactly where they are from within Europe but... Well, the site was under construction and I didn't feel like going into the MySpace Zone. (Which the also have...you can figure it out from the general site.)

They have an especially cool song about New Orleans. And one where they whip out a trumpet to supplement the typical rock configuration...but the World's Worst Music Critic didn't take proper notes plus...well, see above.

Oh, and perhaps most importantly, they personally asked me to emcee their CD release gig that's upcoming.

For more information (that isn't included in the prattle here):

http://www.doggybagmusic.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/25/2008:

Here's a reader checking in on what has become the hottest story here in the DL/S&Y newsroom.

Hillary v. Obama? The tanking economy? Unrest in Pakistan?

> Wow, a second person weighing in on California tomatoes.

> This is becoming an actual dialog!

>

> I just have to say, you're not entirely right about California

> tomatoes. Yes, store-bought ones hella sucked, as you might

> say in the Southland. But heirloom tomatoes from the farmer's

> market? I have to say, those were some of the ripest, sweetest,

> juiciest tomatoes I've ever eaten.

>

> Mike

I had some California tomatoes from a farmer's market and, while they put the typical store-bought to shame... Well, have you ever HAD Midwestern tomatoes in season?

And I'll remind you that otherwise, California grows the ripest, sweetest, juiciest... Ahem. Then again, the Midwest farmers' daughters... Ahem.

Doesn't anybody wanna weigh in on boinkin' New Jersey "tomatoes"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2008:

A girlie spoke oft of "boyfriend"

but hung-out with guys to pretend

that she was a single

and, probed by a dingle...

Well, "boyfriend" meant naught...in the end.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2008:

Earlier this week, our "Eat It!" food section proclaimed seasonal, Midwestern tomatoes to be superior to all, and California tomatoes to be ass-suckin', which ignited a furor in our "Letters to the Idiot" section.

Well, if not a furor, a disturbance. A ripple on the pond.

Anyway, multiple Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers weighed-in on the topic, drawing even New Jersey tomatoes into the fray.

In any event, I have the final word on which I'd most like to suckle:

Marissa Tomei's toes.

Ahem.

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday! God bless us, every one!...

Well, perhaps every other one...

Well... God bless some of us!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2008:

Online job apps have got me pissed;

fill info in--last step brings twist!

Attach resume

thus blow chunk of day--

they're red-tape, homeland terrorists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2008:

Attention any and all retailers:

It is now safe to tell those who would hold up an entire freakin' line by PAYING BY CHECK that the debit card has arrived and that they can thus sod off.

Or, at the very least, make things fair to any and all dinosaurs by letting me purchase my next bag of chips with a chunk off my block of salt...

Guess we might as well admit it: We're suffering from SOME form of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

And it's setting in early, we suppose...all because yesterday was the first day, in many months, that our newspaper's sports section didn't feature even the teeniest of football sections...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/27/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Stint As a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

While it seems like a plot from an old, choppy, silent comedy flick, I can accurately say that I worked as a vacuum cleaner salesman for a stint.

But, like much of what passes for Sunday Story Time material... Well, I feel I need to explain.

On a summer break from the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana, I needed a job. I'd worked at Long John Silver's in high school but...I wanted to avoid goin' back to swabbin' the decks, as we'd call it. So I was lookin' at help-wanted ads and such.

There was one, "no experience necessary" ad touting a wage of almost $8/hour. Which might not be bad for a student today. Then, the minimum wage then was $3.35 so this sounded really good.

It was the type of ad that, as an adult, you can peg immediately as "scam." See, it doesn't tell you what the job is at all. "Are you motivated?" "Right person can earn THOUSANDS a week!" That's all the job description you get.

You show up for an appointment and there's a room full of people. This particular building was be-signed, "Aqua Systems." A guy comes out and gives a motivational kinda spiel... More of the same: "The only limit on how much you can make is how often you work!"

And he didn't say what the job was. Just told everyone to come back another day.

On this other day, a much smaller bunch returned. "You are the ones who will be successes in life!" And we learned what the job would be: selling vacuum cleaners.

Oh, they were REALLY nice vacuum cleaners. Rainbow vacuum cleaners. (Not "Aqua Systems," brand but...more on that later.) The system of suction included quickly whirring water, which actually traps dust particles quicker and... Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The near-$8/hour referred to your time actually doing the sales pitches and stuff, which was shady. And regardless of how nice a vacuum cleaner it was, the job was still selling vacuum cleaners, so this forced a dilemma.

I didn't want to go back to Long John Silver's... And I started having the ridiculous fantasy of seducing housewives amid my rounds, which perhaps clouded my thinking.

So I took the job.

Selling vacuum cleaners.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO "SUNDAY STORY TIME" TO READ PART II OF "MY STINT AS A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN"

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/27/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The town without O.J.

 

We slept in late. Very late.

After staying up late.

And when we awoke we lay in bed

in a glazed sense of belonging.

She got up for a smoke

and fell back in bed.

 

When we finally got up we fixed

a hasty snack and then,

perfectly happily useless,

fell into languorous conversation.

At some point, smoking on the porch,

she realized she wanted O.J.

 

I headed to the corner store,

taking in the hushed view around me,

a challenge to make sense of things.

It was closed. Next the local market.

Closed. A pharmacy on Main Street.

Also closed.

 

I trawled the small town, at 6,

on a Saturday. Unable to understand this.

My cellphone began vibrating.

Where was I? I was looking for O.J.,

I said. Everything is shutting down.

 

It was a small puncture in the fantasy

I held (mostly I held it, I think)

that someday I would move to this small town

with her. You can't move to a place

that shuts down on Saturday night.

 

Not even Saturday night. Barely dark.

But by the time I found the O.J.,

at a gas station with a sign that lit up

as I approached it, I took out my money

and took the O.J. back to her.

 

And that was it -- the day was over,

night was here. We had O.J.

and I can't remember what else.

Maybe one of her great salads

she made with chopped vegetables

and sliced hard-boiled eggs.

 

I barely slept. And then

it was time to head home.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2008:

The calendar marks mood distorter;

glum feeling hits me like a mortar!

When Febr'ary calls

soon, no more football...

My Seas'nal Affective Disorder!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2008:

It's come to our attention that a Web site called Urban Dictionary exists.

So we were wondering if such thing as a Suburban Dictionary exists.

You know, so that those of us in the city or country could quickly learning about the majestic offerings of a suburban landscape, such as... Chili's?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2008:

Online, there's Urban Dictionary...

What of those, toward suburbs, who're wary?

We'd need not feel willies

with defs of...say, "Chili's"--

Suburban one'd make 'burbs less scary!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2008:

Okay, so I'm a little slow on the uptake with this one but... Well, every time I see a listing or other reference for the movie, "The Italian Job"... I want one.

An Italian Job.

Not sure how that works, exactly, but it sounds satisfying.

Does it have something to do with her moustache?

Oh, don't worry--I can make Italian jokes (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) because... Actually, I don't have ANY Italian blood in my, so I can't.

Whoops!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2008:

Those in retail biz, I implore,

shut the customer service door

on those who waste time--

CHECKS in check-out line?

Let's make extinct that dinosaur!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2008:

George, a fashion retailer in the U.K., is going to charge the same amount for all bras.

It seems a lot of places charge more for larger sized bras, as more material is, of course, necessary to construct them.

George is making a big freakin' hoopla out of the deal, calling it a strike on retail discrimination against women needing larger bras.

For, as you all know, a woman with huge knockers just can't get a break in this world of ours...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/30/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Food Music

Do you know the John Denver Song, with the (I believe titular) refrain, "Colorado Rocky Mountain High"?

Well, sing it, to yourself or aloud, instead as, "Colorado Rocky Mountain Oyster."

He hee.

Substitute other lyrics at your discretion.

He hee...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2008:

Retailer in Britain's unfurled:

bra price relief, for big-boobed girls!

'Least they'll get price break;

for once a fair shake--

so rare for stacked chicks in this world!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2008:

Okay. We realize that cable channels don't necessarily have consistent, meaningful themes. For instance, Spike TV...well, it somehow doesn't satisfy our maleness; seems more Redneck TV, really, with the pro "wrestling" and such.

But... If anybody can offer us ANY clue, whatsoever, as to how "Walker, Texas Ranger" qualifies, in any way whatsoever--perhaps we're unaware of a Touching, Extra Special Episode or two--for continuous airing on the Hallmark Channel, it'll help us make a bit more sense of this world...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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