Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!



Joints of retail, coffee and such,

play jazz covers, to garner touch

of hipness mainstream "

boopity bop" stream...

But don't most find lameness too much?



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in ELEVEN DAYS!Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Comcast?

Now, if any of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there notice a similar occurrence, and you grow a shred of ambition, please let us know.

But we were viewing the weather forecast online and wanted to scroll down in our browser window. But we noticed the cursor phasing in and out and the mouse acting strange when we went to hit the "down scroll" button.

We tried gliding the cursor over other areas of the window, ads and such, on the page, with no problem. It was just that one area of the screen where there was...a Comcast ad.

We'd call it a software glitch but... It only happens around that Comcast ad. It makes us feel a bit conspiracy theorist-like to think Comcast intentionally, deceptively screws with readers' mice around its ads, perhaps hoping to confuse some into accidentally clicking on them, but...we wouldn't put it past a company that would CENSOR THE INTERNET THROUGH ITS SERVICE, either.

So... Let us know. Bastards. Maybe the whole topic is boring you. Maybe you'd rather read about the sick fantasies that went through our Chief Limericist's head when he met this chick the other day...but that's all you get. Comcast. Discuss...



Some corp'rate slimeballs are just weasels;

others are diseases, like measles.

But some that mark pass--

the likes of ComCast

is part of the Axis of Evil!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in TEN DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...


"Stronger Taliban Makes Afghanistan Deadlier Than Iraq"

See, we're fighting them over there so that... Well, so that we can keep on fighting them, racking up new defense contracts for Bush cronies...

Long-time Chicago institution LaSalle Bank was recently bought out by Chase. But when one locale tried changing the sign to reflect the new name...a nesting hawk got pissed-off, preventing the new sign--for now.

Guess it isn't only humans who cringe at those Godawful Beatles cover jingles...



TODAY'S EDITION: Perdue Misses the Boat

Perdue--you know, the chicken empire--didn't miss the boat FLAVOR-wise. But... Well:

Okay, my current renter/roommate has some frozen Perdue chicken breasts in the freezer, emblazoned with the logo, "Perfectly Sized Portions."


Why not call 'em what they are: perfectly sized breasts.

He hee.

It, of course, is subjective. I mean, some, like myself, actually don't like really large ones, being more of a leg man, or do I mean drumstick man?... And... Well, now I'm just all confused...



"Success" in the surge in Iraq does

mean losing ground 'gainst the Afghan nuts.

Don't care 'bout "success"

in that Quagmire mess--

just gains 'gainst those who DID attack us!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in NINE DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...


"Minimum Wage Rises to $7.75"

That oughta kick-start the economy! And minimum wage workers will now be able to afford adding a little cat food to their three-meals-a-day ramen noodles!...



It's Fourth of July and to rock it

I've got some fireworks in my...pocket!

Just jiggle the...wick

and we'll both get kicks

from splendor of my...bottle rocket!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in EIGHT DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...


"Is it Cheating if There's No Sex?"

Oh, and here's the telling kicker:

"'Emotional Affairs': Infidelity is About Disloyalty, Betrayal--Experts"

Meaning the so-called "experts" see more trouble spots for marriages, thus more marriages necessitating... COUNSELING!

Convenient how that works out, no?...

Oh, and by the way, "experts"? Ahem... Shut the fuck up!...



TODAY'S EDITION: "Entertain Yourself"...

...Is taking the holiday off. Hoping to hell that, if we must lose an appendage while carelessly playing with fireworks, that it won't be a tallywacker...



I know a girl, Grace--a hot treasure!

Easy joke: How's she "under pressure?"

But I'd like to see

how she, under me,

reacts to, well, "Grace under pleasure"!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in SEVEN DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Sheesh. Molly Ringwald is hot. I'd do her up TEN ways 'til Sunday, I tell ya'. (Chief Limericist checked in, here.)

And, see, all you women who complain that Hollywood shucks off the ladies as they age--I, for one, never considered Molly to be all that when she was younger. Oh, I guess she had the weird kinda pretty--wouldn't have turned down a romp with here, were she to ask me on, say, a Tuesday evening where I had nothin' better scheduled.

But NOW... Well... There you go. Take that and get empowered with it, ladies, or whatever the hell it is you do...



So Congress' ladies and dudes

upped min. wage to boost econ. mood.

Those workers, if thrifty,

can now--ain't it nifty?--

add to ramen noodles...cat food!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in SIX DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

So, according to paint-by-numbers election rules, Obama and McCain, having impressed their party voting bases, now work hard at making said party bases cringe as they both seek to be more like one another, shooting for the wishy-washy, "duh!" voters who, for inexplicable reasons, have not decided--and may not decide until actually standing in the voting booths.

Toward this end Obama, who flew to popularity with much help from his staunch, Get-the-Hell-Out-of-the-Iraq-Quaqmire-ASAP position...now says he seeks to "revise" his position on the Iraq Debacle.

The hope for "Change" was nice and all. But what's a U.S. election without the signature lurking cloud of "Either Way, We're Doomed"?...

Illinois is the final Great Lakes state to have confirmed...that fish are suffering from the VHS virus.

And when they get over THAT, they're gonna have to deal with the switch to freakin' Blu-Ray on top of it...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: First Amendment, My Ass

In honor of Independence Day weekend, I'd like to alert you to the fact that the First Amendment is a joke.

I'm not talking about what Team Bush has done to it, either. It's mostly because the Founding Fathers dropped the ball--the GOVERNMENT can't legally persecute you for speech but EMPLOYERS can. Therefore, unless you've figured out a way to not eat, Freedom of Speech is, again, a joke.

Now, the vast majority of citizens don't really utilize their First Amendment rights. I mean, sure, they can bitch about the government to a few friends, perhaps send a "letter to the editor" here and there, and nobody's gonna hunt them down. But create a popular Web site with truly controversial opinions, and they're courtin' Pink Slip.

I happen to hang with a lot of folks who DO utilize their First Amendment rights fully. One was told by his employer to take his photo off his Web site, to cite an example. But while my freelance career is slowly crawling out of the crapper as of late, my quest for a part-time job to supplement that has... Well, let's just say that I've reached a certain Milestone.

While my Web site and other endeavors aren't yet making APPRECIABLE income, page views and stuff are finally soaring...and, judging from my stats, potential employers are Net searching my name. Which is the only way to explain many years of experience in my field(s), hundreds of jobs applied for over the past year...and a mere handful of interviews. Promised second interviews BLOWN OFF--some of these folks have even refused to return multiple calls/e-mails about the position. A simple, "We've filled the position" would be nice but... Some Milestone.

Might I add, too, that most of these potential employers are either publications or nonprofits (I've done much grantwriting, too)--entities you'd THINK would have some respect for the First Amendment.

So enjoy your Fourth of July weekend, God Bless America and all that crap. But realize that these freedoms were intended to always be works in progress.

On a positive note, we still have the right to work and make things better--and, over time, things HAVE grown better. (Imagine one's employment opportunities in an American hamlet in 1800 if you were to publish a dirty limerick newspaper!)

Oh, and concerning the option of ending/sterilizing Daily Limerick, going mainstream and receiving fat, regular paychecks plus real health insurance and such?

Give me Liberty, or give me death...







TODAY'S POEM: Absolutely the wrong thing


She's hung forks, knives

and spoons from her ceiling,

a little cluster

over the doorway

that clicks and tinks

and shivers metal.


Interesting mobile, I say,

though maybe a little dangerous --

I hope it never hangs

in a nursery.


That was absolutely

the wrong thing to say.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



This one comes in to our Chief Limericist--thus, Chiefy is checking-in, here:

> "Larry Harmon, Longtime Bozo the Clown, Dead at 83


> "LOS ANGELES - Larry Harmon, who turned the character

> Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that delighted

> children for more than a half-century, died Thursday of

> congestive heart failure. He was 83."


> This must be a sad day for you. I know how much you loved

> Bozo as a young whippersnapper.

I remember Bob Bell as Bozo, for the record, and he died some time ago.

But... Okay, I'll cop to it. I have a Bozo the Clown doll as part of the decor TODAY in my office/bedroom/casting couch lounge. In fact, you could dub Bozo my first comedic influence.

A clown being my first comedic influence may actually explain some things to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

But, hey--I may have more than my share of sexual peccadilloes, but kids ain't one of 'em! A big, red nose and large, floppy feet, maybe--me to know and you to dream of finding out--but I'm understandably a bit touchy about the Clown Thang...



Iraq surge slightly curbs Quagmire.

Cost? Afghan goal loss, it's quite clear.

Loops non-stop warfare--

we fight them o'er there

so cronies get contracts back here!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in FIVE DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Holiday weekend headline:

"Watermelon: Scientists Claim Fruit Works Like Viagra"

If Don Imus is reading... Stay away from this one! As tempting as it may be, stay the hell away from it...



With both parties finding First Fiddle

both noms now seek-out wish-wash middle.

Secured party base

so next phase in race?

Proving their core backers mean diddle!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in FOUR DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Okay, we don't like to beat dead horses here, and have more than driven home our opinion that the whole idea of online dating is H.P. Lovecraft Frightening... But there's a site called SugarDaddies.com. Where rich guys go to find hot, usually younger chicks.

Now... I'm mostly a stereotypical starving artist type and even I manage to do all right now and again. But if you're a rich guy and you STILL can't find a chick... Well, what you really need is Kevorkian.com...



Though marketing shills know their biz--

there's reason it is as it is--

who buys products smothered

in bad Beatles covers--

that Godawful musical jizz?



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in THREE DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Craig's List help-wanted ad under "Talent":

"Children for the Nutcracker on Horseback"

Sheesh. That's a rather mean stunt even for an ADULT male...



TODAY'S EDITION: Intelligent-sia Cup Policy

Okay, maybe we should change the standing head today to "Drink It!"...but coffee falls under the general genre of food, no?

Anyway... We've blathered on a bit about how we'd like to be all environment-friendly but that various entities make it difficult--grocery stores won't build a simple, non-wimpy handle on paper bags, or we'd ditch the plastic, for instance--and Intelligentsia coffeehouses have a kick-ass policy in this arena.

I believe they've expanded the chain beyond Chicago, for the coffee itself and the actual coffeehouses--and I encourage Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to check it out, as their coffee blows Starbucks out of the water and is cheaper.

Anyway, you bring a refillable travel mug into Intelligentsia and you get a substantial discount. Something like 50 cents off!

So businesses, quit actin' all "green" (still HATE that term) and give us some actual WORKABLE policies that WILL actually get people to do the Environmental Thing, ya' bastards. Like Intelligentsia's cup policy...



With both parties clearly divided

and dialogues thus all one-sided

just who are these sorts

the noms do now court--

what voters CAN be "undecided"?



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in TWO DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...


"Ban Sex Offenders as Ice Cream Vendors?"

Have any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers ever seen someone driving an ice cream truck who DOESN'T look like a child molester?

Let's just say that the real meaning behind "Pop! Goes the Weasel" is less than innocent...



Throughout time, watermelon we've dug.

Science now says it's like E.D. drug!

If it's true sex-drive fix

we might find at picnics

a worse pest now than simply the bugs!



Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes TOMORROW! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Saw a Craig's List, help-wanted ad for a "Seafood Clerk."

Perhaps... Photocopying lobsters?... Oh, it's fertile ground. But most importantly, knowing potential trouble when we see it, we made sure the Chief Limericist didn't even SEE the "Pompon/Cheerleading Coach" ad...




Gozer kicks-ass. Hard-rockin' and irreverent and... They don't even have a MySpace page yet or anything. They told me they would soon but... You can keep searching for it. Toss "Chicago" in there, as they're a Chicago-based band.

I'm in love with the girlfriend of the main Gozer dude, by the way. You've probably seen me prattle on about Joyce elsewhere on the site... But the dude's cool, so I just bit my tongue of fate on that... So there you go.

Rather crappy entry, I suppose, even by "Entertain Yourself!" standards but, hey, it's been a while since I even featured a musical act here, I've been slackin' on it so much lately, so be happy with that...



Today Daily Limerick turns nine!

Beginning tenth year where I mine

the news for lim'rick

(or write 'bout my dick)--

and on "fish" tonight, hope to dine!



Daily Limerick's celebrates its Ninth Anniversary TODAY! Now, we begin our TENTH YEAR and count down to our DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 365 Days to Go...

Not only is it Daily Limerick's BIRTHDAY today, but it's an Extra Cheezy Saturday, to boot, for Elvis' sake... So, even if we felt ambitious and HAD a newsy (or not) kinda nugget, we can't, in good conscience, do anything resembling work for this section today...



To stay, Daily Limerick is here--

today, entering its Tenth Year!

Take THAT--foul dissenters!

As Big Year we enter

you bet we do it from the rear!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 364 Days to Go...

U.S. Rep. Paul Broun (Georgia) has introduced the "Military Honor and Decency Act," which will ban the sale of racy magazines, movies, etc. (including Playboy and any movie showing nudity) at Army bases world-wide.

Why don't you tell that human sack of shit, dog-fucker what you think of him trying to ban our servicemen (and women)--who already CAN'T FREAKIN' DRINK if they're under 21, thanks to our Puritan-ass, weasel-fisting, prude whackjob society--from anything and everything fun in an attempt to lick the nuts of Jesus (sorry, you gotta e-mail through his site):


An ongoing story in the local news (and perhaps national news) follows Edward Bachner's quest to buy puffer fish toxin, favored by terrorists...not to mention a lucrative life insurance policy on his wife--paying extra if she were a victim of terrorism--and, oh, the matter of a 2006 accusation of seeking an assassin for his wife.

His wife, Rebecca, is, of course...sticking by him and even possibly refusing to release the results of a toxicology test on her.

Now, what kind of person could be so logic-addled that... Aha. There's a picture of the two of them in our newspaper, from the Web site for Vine--a Christian church...

We've ripped on Old Media a whole lot here. I think one of our rips was cited, out of context of course, in a recent Chicago Sun-Times column, in fact, but can't be sure.

Anyway, we'd like to remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that part of the reason we're tough on Old Media is that we love it--we still get the majority of our news from a physical newspaper. And we believe that, eventually, after the entire industry takes its swim in the toilet and, after a few years, things shake out, the Old Media model will lead news on the Web--in some form, anyway. The Internet is sorely in need of the content and quality filtering that the traditional media bring to the table.

Yet like the airline and auto industries, well... We wonder if they're capable of change. Our Chicago Sun-Times masthead lists 11 vice presidents.


Amid massive layoffs of reporters and editors.

Even the U.S. government takes a mere ONE vice president to wallow at the forefront of incompetence...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Once Upon a Time...

...A filthy poet started an e-mail list to plug an upcoming National Limerick Slam, sending one limerick per day--and it took off, quickly gaining readers and growing in content eventually becoming a Web site/early blog that has now entered its tenth year of...er, "service."

That's us, of course. Daily Limerick. And it's our birthday weekend, so how much work do you expect from us?...







TODAY'S POEM: Feeling of a feeling


A shock of garbled recognition:

my legs were shaved for surgery --

sometimes they rub against each other

when I turn in bed. It reminds me

of what I miss, that feeling with another.


And comforting curves, a soft voice,

warm hands, a warm mouth and warm mind.

Quietly breathing as she dreams,

or she may already be up making coffee

for herself.


(I don't drink it except for decaf)


Little tubes and soaps in the bathroom,

their evocative scents of seascapes or fruit.

An extra toothbrush near the mirror.

And we might actually argue over what to do

with the day -- it's not just my taste dictating

things anymore.


But hopefully we both experience the new

and revisit those things we favor

with new insights. With conversation

and time some ideas might frighten us

and unfrighten us in equal measure. So

can we be doubtful and doubtless

without worry or ruin?


That feeling of a feeling

reminds me of what I miss.

My legs were shaved for surgery.

Sometimes when they rub together

in the early morning bedroom,

a shock of garbled recognition.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



Since this one comes in addressed to "Stu Beinerman" (an accidental nickname given me by drunken show-goers)... Well, Chiefy checked-in, here:

> A relative of yours?

Followed by a news story:

> Dunst Thief Pleads Guilty

> 11 July 2008 9:11 AM, PDT


> A burglar who stole Kirsten Dunst's handbag during a

> hotel raid is facing jail.


> Jarrod Beinerman, 34, broke into the penthouse suite

> of New York's SoHo Grand Hotel while Dunst was staying

> there last year.


> He admitted illegally entering the hotel suite and

> taking Dunst's $13,000 (GBP6,500) Marc Jacobs handbag.


> But he claims he never meant to target the actress,

> who was in the Big Apple filming upcoming movie How to

> Lose Friends and Alienate People.


> Beinerman entered a plea to second-degree burglary on

> Thursday, according to the New York Post.


> He is now facing four-and-a-half years in jail.


> Beinerman's lawyer said: "He's looking to put this all

> behind him."

Mmm. Kirsten Dunst... Ahem.

(Catching the headline first, though, we almost lost consciousness at the idea of actually stealing Kirsten Dunst... Ahem.)

But, to answer your question... You never know, really. With the various methods people use to Americanize names, this cat could, in fact, be a distant relative.

An extremely distant relative, if anything as... Well, what kinda Biederman would raid Kirsten Dunst's hotel room and take away nothing more...er, interesting than her freakin' HANDBAG?...



The "Mil'tary Decency Act"

'gainst our troops, levels an attack.

Rep. Paul Broun, God fascist,

attacks Free Speech, that dick--

no R-rated stuff for troops?... Whacked!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 363 Days to Go...

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that the Daily Limerick line on waiting in lines is... Well, if you do, you're a loser.

That is... Well, sometimes waiting in line is unavoidable. But any club with a line? Loser Fest. Waiting in line for a movie's debut--when even the next day, you can avoid it (to say nothing of avoiding the primitive idea of overpriced theaters to begin with, especially since the home DVD player has been invented)? Moron Mania.

In its capacity to hit continual new highs in Moronity, humanity continually amazes me. This weekend, rectum-brained folks actually CAMPED OUT OVERNIGHT--camping out being a form of turbo-charging the Loserdom that is needlessly waiting in a line--for the latest iPhone.

Darwin never got around to tackling humanity's de-evolution...

Many would label DL pessimistic, what with our frequent declarations of having no hope for humanity and all. (Although we insist that we're "happy pessimists"--looking forward to reaping our own jollies out of life and not caring so much about humanity's hopelessness.)

But evidently, we may not be pessimistic enough.

There's a new book out called, "Bottlemania: How Water Went on Sale and Why We Bought It," by Elizabeth Royte, which outlines exactly how bottled water was marketed and why it became one of the most successful marketing campaigns of all time and... Ahem.

Now... Well, DL has hit this topic and... Well, figured it to be a simple story: We all already HAVE ridiculously cheap access to tap water; but people are dumb-asses; marketers are wily... And thought we'd leave it at that.

Never thought to stretch it into an entire book, but the irony here is that the same dumb-ass factor leading to the popularity of bottled water may make this one a bestseller...



> Fast Eddy Wishes You A...


> Happy 10th & Many More!

Well. The first congrats for Daily Limerick's Saturday birthday has trickled in.

Now, we COULD look at the glass as half-empty: a belated birthday wish and one that's wrong, to boot--as Saturday, July 12, 2008 marked our NINTH birthday.

OR we could look at the glass as half-full. That is, an early well-wishing for our tenth year of...er, "service," which began yesterday (and which is when this missive came in).

We'll take the optimist route. And run with it--expecting many more congrats and Daily Limerick Memories and such from you Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards in the days and months to come.

But, oh, how we wish you could send us an e-handjob...



Line-waiting, needless? Head's of bone!

For clubs, flick premiers--Loser Zone!

Don't misjudge our limits!

New frontiers in dimwits

as shitheads wait for new iPhone!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 362 Days to Go...

With Anheuser-Busch bought by a Belgian company... Well, there goes another slice of Americana, as the auto, airline and newspaper industries flush down the toilet while job cuts and healthcare hell form a delightful potpourri with the costs of everything rising...but there's nothing to worry about. Really...

And Belgians bought BUSCH, not BUSH, so it is NOT a positive development, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...



Regarding Daily Limerick's recent Ninth Birthday and the entering of our Tenth Year of, er..."service," the Love Fest continues, this time from a...staff poet, of sorts:

> Awesome! I wish YOU happy belateds all the time,

> and now I can do the same for Daily Limerick.

> Happy belated, Daily Limerick. You're one of the

> ............. good ones. And you, Daily Limerick

> -- talking to you now as though you were sentient

> -- were also really smart to start carrying my

> wonderful poems in your Sunday issue. Talk about

> discerning taste(lessness).


> Mike

That's one helluva mistake. Acting as if ANYBODY here in the Daily Limerick Towers is truly sentient.

Actually, a strange set of circumstances led to our carrying the syndicated (if only in Daily Limerick) "Mikes Accursed Verse." We'd rather not bore you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers with the in-joke details. Suffice it to say that we remember the day well and it involved an ax-wielding Lebanese stripper, a stuttering dwarf mariachi band, the world's largest vat of lime Jell-O (brand gelatin) and, well, Bill Cosby appeared, thanks the Jell-O tie-in, and...



Now Belgians buy Anheuser-Busch;

off ledge, gives economy push!

Airline, auto, news--

industries down tubes...

American Dream turns to mush!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 361 Days to Go...

Is it just us and our filthy minds or... Should someone giggle--and in fact get a bit tingly, sad as it sounds, as things are tough all over--in seeing a "Help Wanted" ad for "Face Painter"?...

And while we're on the topic of "Help Wanted" ads, we also dyslexia-fied a couple to read one as seeking an "SUV Walker."

Which, given the cost of gas, actually might make sense...



TODAY'S EDITION: The Problem With Frozen-Dinner Brownies

While I love to cook--and am quite proficient at it, having, for instance, tickled the nose of many a fine lass at a distance with my barbecue aromas... Well, modern life dictates the semi-frequent frozen entree.

This usually means a main course and nothing more--cooking for myself, side dishes are rare--but the old standby formerly known as the "TV dinner" is sometimes in order, coming, of course, with side dishes and sometimes dessert.

I enjoy frozen dinners--in fact, many have a unique flavor that I'd crave all by themselves, were I to eat homemade versions of their wares regularly--but have a problem with the desserts.

Now, I have no problem whatsoever with dessert itself. Au contrair. And since they are, indeed, THERE, I do eat the frozen dinner desserts but... The concept is flawed.

The problem arises with packaging. The treats, by themselves, are indeed delicious but... They are never BY themselves. Corn spills over into the brownie. Mac 'n' cheeze invades the cobbler.

Oh, you can remove the stray side-dish bits from the desserts. But then you have to eat a fork-full of chocolaty corn or some such. (Really, you can't waste it, with kids starving in Detroit and all.) I've tried removing the dinner detritus ahead of time, too, but being frozen... Well, a host of difficulties arise.

So... Frozen dinner packagers? I am not asking you to do away with the desserts--please don't. But I am asking you to rework the packaging so the desserts can be enjoyed pure and unadulterated.

How? Well, I'm not the frozen food professional. Ask not what Daily Limerick can do for your company. Ask what YOU can do for Daily Limerick...



It's summer--dink downward, must tuck!

Lazy days--meet chicks, try your luck!

But do keep an eye

on those seamy guys

behind wheel of the ice cream trucks!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 360 Days to Go...

Headline relating to the Drew Peterson saga--yes, it's still there--specifically about his problems with the police and his weapons stash:

"Pals: We held on to Drew's 'Secret' Gun"

All factors considered, isn't Drew's "Secret Gun" really the source behind this whole mess?...



All these failing, big industries

bringing 'conomy to its knees

should think, when downsizing,

bit more enterprising--

and fire those damn slews of "v.p.'s"!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 359 Days to Go...

Okay, okay. We should knock off the "Help Wanted" puns but... Well... It's fun, so:

Saw an ad for a "Plant Accountant."

Somewhere, a fern just can't live within its means...



TODAY'S EDITION: Machines That Think

These dudes offer about the best modern rock has to offer.

I guess you'd call them "prog rock" or something... (Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, however, that this section doesn't know what the hell it's talking about.) It's serious, smart stuff--but not stuffy; they're down-to-earth, cool guys--with song titles like "Caveat Emptor" and "Where'd Your Imagination Go?". Mostly guitar rock--with a Bono-esque voice, minus the superdose of Smug--having piano and stuff added here and there for a polyphonic kick-ass. ("Polyphonic." Kinda makes me sound like I know what I'm talking about, no?)

Open your ear orifice to it at:




A foot fetishist, name of Darby,

picked-up chick named Barb at an Arby's.

To cook-out, did go;

lust sparked, sucked her toes--

how he preferred "shrimp on the Barbie"!



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If, while engaged in the act of self-love, you play with your butt... Isn't that more properly called, "Assturbation?"...



Says Jesse: Say "No!" to N-Word.

Caught saying it...attitude's blurred.

Jealous of Obama,

his pol dreams' Osama...

Best seen--photo ops--and not heard!



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Op-ed headline:

"Iraq is Key to Winning in Afghanistan"

Sure. Just like blowing your entire paycheck on apples is the key to accumulating oranges in your fridge...

Recently, I (Chief Limericist checking in for this nugget, here) prattled in Sunday Story Time about how Free Speech is really a lie, when corporations and the job situation comes into play.

Here's a quote for a prominent legal dude:

"We witness today perhaps the most widespread suppression of views the country has known. The suppression comes not from fear of being jailed but from fear of being dismissed from employment, banned from radio work, disqualified for teaching or held unacceptable for the lecture platform."

Cutting edge and unique to our age?

Actually, the quote's from Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas. 1952...

Noticed that our local forecast calls for "easterly winds."

So... Are we gonna be pelted with colored eggs and bunnies and such?...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Can't lay off the "Help Wanted" ad puns but:

"Model Needed for Testing Today"

Hey. I could use a model for, er, "testing" myself, but I'm not sleazy and/or optimistic enough to place a freakin' Craig's List ad for her...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Nutty "Agent"

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that concerning chicks... Well, if it weren't for mental instability, I'd get no lovin' at all.

You probably know, too, that my good ol' Nut Magnet also attracts guys--just usually not in THAT way, not that there's anything wrong with that--as well as chicks I'm NOT interested in romantically.

Enter... We'll call her Agent K. She initially responded to a Craig's List ad for... No, no, no! I'm involved with various live shows here in Chicago and, for my variety/talk show (which will be rebroadcast on the Web somehow or other--see the Sloop Central section of the site) I'm posting ads for acts and collaborators and such.

Agent K replied. Ridiculously excited about the whole endeavor. Wanted to meet NOW.

So I arrange for her to stop by a show I was emceeing and she pelts me with ideas all night. While she initially applied to be a co-hostess/comedic cohort, she was all about agenting--"Use your MySpace more for networking!"; "Prepare a sales package and charge money for these shows!" (I'm not very good at that); etc.

This was all highly appreciated. I've long needed an agent/manager type to tap my nuts into doing a better job with the bizzy end of things. And she knew what she was talking about, having worked as an agent/manager for bands and other performers.

We ended up hanging out one night to talk about various endeavors of mine. Got a little altered and mostly engaged in R&R. I actually thought that she seemed... Well, okay with me leveling a hit on her, actually. But I didn't. Not that I'm a saint with regard to separating business and pleasure--in fact, much of my social life involves performing one way or another, inexorably mixing the two sometimes--nor that she wasn't attractive--not completely my sought-after "type," but then again most of my longer relationship have been outside that type--but... Well:

This was beyond the typical bizzy stuff. She was able to really, really help my performing career, so I was extra cautios. And she volunteered to do all this stuff that was WAY beyond the call, especially since I'd made perfectly clear the fact that I wasn't able to pay her for all this right now. "Change your MySpace password, let me in it, and I'll add all your shows to your calendar, add all your bio info, round up hundreds of 'friends' for you..." Wow.

Well... There was a Meeting of the Minds, of sorts, with her and others involved with my Internet radio show. (Again, see Sloop Central...naked.) And she started an argument during that, over a point that was less than completely valid at that time. So there was one sign of the impending flakery. But we'd also talked on the phone after that, and it seemed that disagreement was smoothed over.

So, one day she was telling me to get her all of my bio materials right away. At that point in time, my variety/talk show was new, the Internet radio show was coming, I'd added some new freelance avenues... In short, it's quite a task to update my bio info--there are ten documents or so that need updating, with an "author bio" for the Stand-Up Poetry book I'm trying to sell; bios geared more toward writing; bios geared more toward performing; short and long versions; Web and print versions and blah blah blah.

I told her I'd do it within in a few days, put it on my "List"--busy, have other things to do first. Then she got all pushy: "What're you doing TODAY? Do it NOW!" I told her that I had my own "system"--I had reading to catch-up on (the daily and weekly newspapers and such are part of my time-honored method of "priming the comedic material pump" and, when I get TOO far behind, I freak a bit, interfering with getting ANYTHING done), I have a site to regularly update, a freelance story to finish soon, etc.

Then she said something about "learning better time management." Which raised a rather large red flag. Perhaps I can do some things differently--MySpace is, unfortunately, a great tool for a performer and I use it very little, for instance--but I don't need to be told how to get things done. I watch very little TV, have written and marketed a novel while taking full-time classes and working a full-time job... So that sorta annoyed me.

Nonetheless, I did appreciate the kick-in-the-pants, so I DID alter my schedule a bit and, the very next day, sent her my MySpace temp password and documents and... Didn't hear back from her.

Sorta proud of myself for updating all my bio info in an afternoon, after waiting a bit, I called her, too. "Check your e-mail! I did it! It's all ready!" That was the gist of the message I left.

Later in the day, I received an e-mail from her. "Sorry and I wish you the best of luck--you're very talented--but my personal life necessitates that I can't work with any of your projects any longer."


Call me old-fashioned, but I'd generally take stock of my personal life BEFORE going all out of my way to commit to a major projects--major set of projects, really.

Perhaps I should've hit on her. This is certainly not the first time I've hung with a chick, NOT hit on her...and found a storm of nuttery to follow.

But... Well, I've so far neglected to mention that her "day job," of sorts, was working as a dominatrix. Great money, beat and degrade guys with no sexual contact. Not a bad gig, if you're okay with it, I suppose.

So that threw yet another monkey wrench in the idea of goin' all Tantric on her. See, I didn't know how she felt about the whole dom thing. Just a gig? I'd figure she at least SORTA liked doing it, but what if she were REALLY into it?

I mean, I'm GGG (Good, Giving and Game), as the world's greatest advice columnist puts it (Dan Savage, of "Savage Love"), and am up for a little spanky-spanky or ordering around, if a chick likes that sorta thing (and might even get extra thrills from it, simply because it's kinky) but... I wouldn't wanna sneak a kiss off a chick to find myself hanging from basement rafters with a ball gag in my mouth 20 minutes later.

So... Yeah. Haven't heard a peep outta Agent K since...







TODAY'S POEM: A big impact


Your impact on my life has been

immeasurable. I cannot contain it

in these frail phrases. But,

for you, I'll



So, on a day I sat staring out the window,

full of hopeless longing,

unable to control my fear, I heard,

from a car passing by, one of your



Songs. That's such a tiny way to

describe your enormous vision,

the love that thrums in your talent,

the ease with which you make everything



At first it was a little frightening,

how much you understood my situation.

With each new headache, the edge of my sight

had been going black, as though

the peripheral had been



But then your voice appeared,

and you knew exactly what to



You took all my fear and replaced it with joy.

The colors came back. The headaches

went away. And I could concentrate

all of me on your words, your thoughts,

your pure and beautiful



I'm not very good with people. I don't

understand the formula of hellos and

goodbyes, the small things to take

the place of big things. Whenever I can,

I avoid those



But now I had your voice - a sweet

golden thing that carried me. My hands

weren't hidden in my pockets.

They were free to touch the morning

air. At work, I was unafraid to



And once I started seeing you in concert,

I can't even say how that changed me.

I stayed in cities I never knew before. I began

to recognize the skylines and the wry messages

tucked into each of your setlists.

I was right there,

screaming and chanting with the crowd,

part of the pulse of the life you were

sharing with



But I haven't met you yet. I've had

plenty of chances, but always shrink from them.

Who is ready to meet God? Who is ready

to give



But I have an idea I'm working on.

You'll see it soon. I promise I won't be afraid.

I'll run right up, my hand in my pocket

only for a minute, until I realize where I am.

Then I'll take my hand out, clutching a gift,

and you'll know how much I care,

how grateful I am to be with

you --


and maybe, when the crowd sees this,

they'll see how well we fit, how inevitable

it was for love to meet love.

Maybe they'll write a song about



[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



Who knows if the charges will stick.

Does prosecution have case licked?

In any event

my attention's spent

on washed-up, whacked-out Andy Dick!



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Has anybody else noticed... Well, there's that "Four Seasons" song with the refrain, "Walk like a man, talk like a man"... And... Well, they're singing it in a style that's ANYTHING like a man...



A one-issue voter, I'm not

'cause politics weaves complex plot.

But we MUST close door

on damn Iraq War--

whoever does that, my vote's got.



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Okay, we've hit on the tired topic of how people these days have no common courtesy whatsoever--walking/driving in front of you, blabbing/texting/iPoding away in line, etc..

And we've probably touched on the topic too much.

But every now and then we discover a form of rudeness we'd previously not noted.

So, couples with families: If you're going to walk down a popular city sidewalk with multiple kids on scooter or big wheels or some form of kiddie transport, traveling collectively at the speed of a three-legged wiener dog that's strolling as opposed to running...at THE VERY LEAST heard your kids into single file line or enact SOME form of organization for the process--it may also prove a good way of showing them that they AREN'T THE ONLY ENTITIES IN THE WORLD, as parents have for some time now apparently dropped the ball on that lesson...



Read "help wanted" ad for "Face Painter."

Artist, with partics, might acquaint-er.

But I think of term--

it tingles my worm!

(Imagination proves the tainter!)



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It's the little miracles that give us hope.

Indy car drivers/hotties Danica Patrick and Milka Duno got in some form of catfight in a race pit. Video is easily available on the Web.

So after all these years...auto racing FINALLY justifies its very existence...



TODAY'S EDITION: Attention!...

...We interrupt today's scheduled edition of "Eat It!" to bring you a Breaking Bulletin.

The FDA now says the recent produce salmonella outbreak can be traced to one jalopeno pepper.

This means... Well it MIGHT mean to avoid jalopenos, but we don't know. The Three Stooges-esque FDA first said it was tomatoes as the culprit; then they fingered cilantro; tomorrow it could be turnips.

The real story here is the Conspiracy Theory.

Yes, Conspiracy Theory. Along with that semi-recent hurricane that hit New Iberia, La. (home of Tabasco, although we're unsure how the government influences a hurricane's path), this is part of a greater plot to discourage spicy eating and get everyone munching down on bland crap, like Subway.

Need more evidence of this Conspiracy Theory? Well, look at Jared. Something's not right with that annoying, milquetoast bastard. Need still more evidence? Well, you're outta luck.

But this has just as much evidence to it as any other Conspiracy Theory.

This has been a Breaking Bulletin. We now return you to... Well, guess we've filled our space for this week, so we just return you to the rest of today's Daily Limerick...



A member of the volunteer proofreading crew we didn't know we had checks in:

> It should read herd your kids not heard your kids

> or maybe it should read  both. Fast Eddy

He's referring to our, er, "recommendation" in yesterday's issue, regarding folks walking down busy city streets with multiple children to, "...at THE VERY LEAST heard your kids into single file line..." and, yes, we apparently dropped the ball there.

If we're gonna put up with this level of incompetence in the Daily Limerick Towers...perhaps we need someone better looking than Fred the Intern...



So Danica and Milka Duno

got into a fight, like she goon-oes.

At last Indy scene

proves interesting--

with catfight among primo poon-o!



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As I--Chief Limericist checking in, here--am a poet...okay, a poet of sorts, I often receive MySpace "friend" requests from rappers and hip-hoppers. (I believe there is a difference between rappers and hip-hoppers...not sure; one can only be so hip-to-the-jive.)

But one of these "friends" recently invited me to be a part of his..."posse" or "mob" or whatever for some online, gangster/mafia game.

Hee hee. Me.

Rhyming-wise, I don't think I'm too far outta the rapper/hip-hopper loop--and some of them, by the way, put typical rock lyrics to utter shame--but... Can you picture a limerick-y gangster?...



The people who join condo boards

to sep'rate themselves from the hoards

lead meaningless lives

and so they well jive

with role as small-time power whores.



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Put the "Fry" in Friday! Fry something!... Or should that be the "Fri" in Friday in which case... Aw, the Daily Limerick Towers are in chaos right now...




As I write this, I have yet to see Red Hot Annie perform...live, anyway. But I will probably blow a...something when I do.

Oh, I'm soon to see her live, as she agreed to be featured in my live variety/talk "Mess." (See the Sloop Central section of the site...ya' bastards. The show is actually set to be posted on the Web in small chapters after Aug. 5...provided the monkey wrenches don't get me.)

See, Annie's an old-school, burlesque/vaudeville striptease. Not the "pick-up dollars with her coochie" style of modern "exotic dancer" but the tried-and-true, slowly-take-off-a-bunch-of-clothes, end-with-tassles-covering-the-nips type.

So, she's truly an artist. Not that picking up dollars with...or even workin' a various -job for that matter isn't but... Ahem. Where was I?... Oh. Artist. She's like a Rembrandt of the tease/sexiness thing, with sexiness, as it should be, employing intelligence and creativity and, well, I just can't put my finger on it... Sure, everywhere I turn with this there's opportunity for innuendo but... She's "got" it. Being sexy is one thing; performing Pure Sexy is quite another and extremely rare.

She has other endeavors, too. Show biz makeup, film services and... Well, she apparently engages in some foot/stocking fetish biz, too, and has all sorts of steamy stuff on YouTube and the like and... Well, of COURSE she's hot:




In makeup, chick shoes and a dress

is how I like my chickies best.

More forego, stayin' in,

but's best during sin--

and such fun to turn primp to mess!



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A fight broke out in a WNBA game between the Detroit Shock and Los Angeles Sparks.

Chicks. Fighting.

Between the recent Danica Patrick/Milka Duno Indy car catfight and the outfits (and babes!) currently in the world of women's tennis...not only are we suddenly big fans of women's sports, but it suddenly seems like SOMEBODY is answering Daily Limerick's prayers...



Barack: Leave Iraq--overdue.

Iraqi PM agrees, too.

Bushites disagree,

core philosophy--

know what YOU want more than YOU do.



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So, under a plan advanced by a Chicago City Council committee, the city--already given the top "Nanny State" city award by Reason Magazine--will have more surveillance cameras than any other in the U.S. The plan is to make them legal and encouraged for businesses and residents!

Time for our annual...er, unfortunately semi-annual reminder: Orwell was an optimist...

A Wisconsin appeals court has upheld the conviction of Cedarburg High School (Madison) teacher Robert Zellner for looking at pornography on a school computer...for less than a minute...on a Sunday.

C'mon. On a Sunday? The school had to be closed, first of all. And doesn't even the Bible label Sunday a "Day of Porn"?... Maybe not, but isn't it in the Bill of Rights or something?... Life, liberty and porn, especially if you ain't gettin' so much?... Maybe we're a little confused on the particulars, but it just don't seem right...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time

...Is taking the week off.

The reasons will become apparent in next week's edition.

Aren't you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in for a ranting treat?...







TODAY'S POEM: Where route 2 and 495 meet


I'd been driving through a storm,

closer to her place than mine.

The rain pushed against the windshield

harder than the glass could find a view.

The car became the inside of a drum.


We might have gone into the pool

to cool off if the rain hadn't started

boiling along the ground, the sky

outfitted with strobelights and

hammers of war.


There was a question in the air --

it went unanswered between us.

When I got home and fell asleep

the question fed my dreams.

The power shut off around me.


I woke to a room of blinking clocks

that needed resetting. And held the phone.

And came up with an answer.


[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



Red Hot Annie, the Queen o' Burlesque featured in our Friday "Entertain Yourself!" section this week, checks in with:

> YEAH!!!  :)


> xo

Which clearly means... Oh, let us be alone with our imaginations on what she's, er, "really" saying to me--Chief Limericist here, checking-in after clearing out the rest of the office...



Obama's hip; ain't no news flash.

But careful, rock stars, you could smash

his bid. Mind art's mission--

he's still politician!

You're courting a Monster Backlash!



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Dr. Ronald B. Herberman, going against the grain of the established medical community, claims that people should not use cell phones in public because, not only are they a risk of cancer for users, but for those near the users.

Yup. The wave is well-paved for the danger of "Secondhand Everything." Have we thanked you do-gooder, can't-mind-your-own-business, healthier-than-thou bastards lately?...



Tight outfits and skirts oh-so-short,

in chick's tennis now worn on court;

Dub'yoo NBA,

Indy--catfights, yay!

Soon we'll en masse follow chick sports!



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Chicago Tribune E-Mail Update headline:

"THANK YOU FOR STEWING DELTA. Passengers of a Las Vegas-bound Delta Airlines flight were delayed on a New York airport tarmac for more than seven hours--and then their flight was canceled."

But we feel SOO sorry for the hapless, victimized Big Airline industry and all of its financial troubles. Right?...

It's SHARK WEEK here at Daily Limerick! Which means... Well, all sorts of shark-related content! Like:

Er... Sharks are cool, huh? Rulers of the deep. Eating machines that reached their evolutionary pinnacle way back with the dinosaurs--and haven't had to evolve more since? Er... Yeah. Sharks are awesome, huh?...



Of terror and gas costs they whine

while screwing us all by design.

Trap us hours on planes;

years fought screens for gain...

And we're s'pposed to cry for airlines?



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Apparently, the Bennigan's restaurant chain is closing, nationwide.

That's not gonna help the economy, financially or morale-wise.

This potentially means an abandoned business every third block throughout the nation's suburbs!...



TODAY'S EDITION: Condiment Distribution

Let's say you own a burger stand and you have the secret for the tastiest burger on earth--for both quality of meat and size of burger. You also have the perfect bun, with the best bread-to-meat ratio, and toast it just right... But your patrons may still have a less-than-stellar eating experience at your joint.

Which brings us to today's topic, the titular Condiment Distribution.

Of course, condiment choice is important--for instance, don't put ketchup anywhere near a hotdog. And there's quality--get your Midwestern tomatoes when they're seasonal. And there's quantity, too--too much or too little ketchup, mustard, onion, mayo, etc. can make or break an eating experience.

All of these things play a part in Condiment Distribution, but all to often little regard is given to HOW the condiments are laid out on your burger, dog, beef sandwich, etc.

I can't count the times I've gotten a burger only to find the mustard plopped on one side of the sandwich. Or all of the pickles on one end of the burger. Personally, I'll check it out before taking a bite--say, remove the top burger bun, rearrange condiments, possibly remove extra lettuce, etc.

But I shouldn't have to do that. A sandwich is an art. It's high time our beloved food industry folks acted like artists. And like, say, the proper mix amount of water on your brush for watercolor painting, there is Condiment Distribution to consider...



Economy's REALLY been rocked--

all Bennigan's closing? Big shock!

All suburban towns

will nearly shut down--

there're Bennigan's ev'ry three blocks!



Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 346 Days to Go...

Don't you love it when your Internet isn't working, so you call your provider's customer service for help...and their annoying-as-all-shit online system advises you that lines are too busy right now, please try going online for help?...

By the way... If you notice oddities regarding when Daily Limerick updates are posted... Well, suffice it to say it's related to the above nugget. Stuck going through a dial-up modem for a bit. Although, to improve upon the dial-up speed, we're considering switching to a different method of content delivery involving homing pigeons and smoke signals...


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