Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2008:

So Sharon Stone leveled sound bite

that China's lethal earthquake plight's

payback for Tibet.

Whacked dogma, you bet,

comes from the Left, s'well as from Right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2008:

So now Father Michaeel Phleger--not a member of Obama's estranged (yes, estranged) church but recently speaking at it--unwisely rips into Hillary Clinton and... Is Obama somehow responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on at that Nutbucket in the Name of God?

In light of this election's antics, does anybody STILL have questions as to why America was founded upon separation of church and state?...

"Commentary" section headline:

"'Older' Women Target of 'Sex and the City' Backlash"

Hmm... Never really looked at that angle. We're pretty much backlashing against the entire franchise--and have been since Sara Jessica Parker's 300th nasally "meanwhile..." around, say, episode three?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/1/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Come to Papa" Shirts

Received some late birthday presents earlier in the week, including a few "Come to Papa" shirts.

A "Come to Papa" shirt is a shirt that... Well, I trust that even a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper can figure this one out.

It was surprising that I received three shirts and each was of the "Come to Papa" variety. Hip but not too hip, fit me well, jive with my complexion and whatever delightfully. Surprising because they came from my mother who... Let's just say she has a patchy history with "Come to Papa" gift clothing for me.

My sister, too, often has "Come to Papa"-buying problems. My late maternal grandma, however, almost always hit the "Come to Papa" nail on the head--despite the fact that her own fashion sense was...well, typical grandmotherly.

I'm no fashion expert. Far, far from it. But I suppose I'm better than the average cat with such things, perhaps because I'm a bit of an artsy-fart. For the most part, I'm able to pick clothing that affects the "Come to Papa" air. Problem is, I almost never actually buy clothing for myself--stereotypical male hatred of shopping plus the fact that I've lived most of my life on a tight budget, thanks to being an artsy-fart.

Ideally, of course, my shirts (and other clothing) would ALL be of the "Come to Papa" variety. But, in reality, I'm stuck with hoping the women in my life can judge "Come to Papa" in their gifts to me.

The fact that my last serious girlfriend was a bit of an anti-stereotype in these matters didn't' help. And the eldritch dating/romance/relationship curse the Gods have foisted on me has otherwise interfered with "Come to Papa" accumulation for some time but... Well, that could be the subject of many a future Sunday Story Time...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/1/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: November's unfinished business

You're not worth thinking about

but you're in my thoughts.

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2008:

Obama don't work for church, mates--

but one more whacked priest on its slate

says naught 'bout Barack--

reminds U.S. flock

why we separate church and state!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2008:

Ah, the sounds of summer! Birds singing, ear-splattering construction work and the sound of foils chatting on their porches--into their cell phones, about whether or not they have herpes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2008:

McClellan took kick at Bush tushy;

again, Bush says grudge makes facts mushy.

Claimed fairy tale nukes

indeed could be fluke--

from one, two--not dozen ex-Bushies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2008:

Headline:

"A Lively, Dead Star"

Just thought we'd point out for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that this refers to an astronomical entity--and NOT Clay Aiken...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2008:

Historically... Well, it's a shame.

But, as they said, with his Big Name...

For Beckham, thank God!

He gave us the nod

to make soccer popular game!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2008:

Headline:

"Lisa Van Allen's Shocking Testimony About Her Life With R. Kelly"

Now, concerning R. Kelly... We're beyond being "shocked" with the events of this trial, really.

Suppose we'd indeed be shocked if, oh, allegations surface of R. Kelly nailing a woman who's NOT underage--AND without filming it or peeing on her...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/4/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Seasoned Fries

A new hot dog stand opened right by me recently, Flub-a-Dub Chub's. (Named, I believe, after their "signature," fatter than average wiener, "The Chub.") So, on my birthday last month, I tried it out.

Like many Chicagoans, I'm very particular about my Chicago style dog. Luckily, they didn't add mustard. And when I unwrapped the delight, I found that the joint served the ideal fries for both complementing the tasty Vienna hot dog and stuffing into the bun--hand-cut, with strips of the potato peel still on them, and greasy as all hell (ideally, they're cooked in lard).

But... Although the dog itself was steamed just right, the toppings in the right amounts... The fries were SEASONED.

Who thought up the idea of seasoned fries. They suck-ass.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah--some people like 'em that way. Bastards. But if you're gonna serve seasoned fries, at least do like the delightful people at Arby's and offer a CHOICE--seasoned or regular. ESPECIALLY if the fries will likely be nestled into a Chicago style hot dog.

Geez. Do I have to tell you people EVERYTHING?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2008:

The Bush Team's whacked Drug War pronouncements

beg right-thinking folks to 'pon pounce(ment)--

a new Reefer Madness

that's upped the facts badness--

they're Public Dis-Service Announcements!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2008:

We're really feelin' for Clinton about now. It's gotta be hellish.

What? Hillary? No. Poor, poor Bill...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2008:

Chicago boasts Olympic dreams.

As native, I'm not on the team.

O'ercrowd for 'Roid Fest

to stuff corp'rate chests?

Let some other town be so reamed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2008:

Headline:

"Using Plastic Wisely Saves Woman Dough"

FYI, the story refers to this woman's use of credit cards with "rewards"--NOT a decrease in drinks and entertainment expenses from breast implants...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/6/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Paint, Ink...and Photoshop?

Attended a gallery opening last weekend and noticed the media listed for one work as... Well, the titular phrase. (Titular...he hee.) Don't recall the artists' name. Forgot even the gallery name...but there's a larger point here.

Now, one's first reaction might very well be: "Photoshop? Fine art? What the hell's wrong with the world? Don't artists learn the basic skills anymore?"

When I knew less about the art world, my sentiments were the same.

Now, there are too many whippersnappers who use technology as a substitute for talent and technique--with art programs, music programs, what have you. But when one HAS the skills AND supplements them with technology--in this case, in the use of traditional plus electronic media--the results are often ingenious and delightful.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or ferment it in a can and huff it, or whatever it is you bastards do for cheap kicks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2008:

A hot artsy number named Natalie,

plied with barbecue and some flattery,

attended a 'cue

and drank one or two...

More than the food got a "sauce slathering"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2008:

A hubbub arose after a lesbian couple kissed at a Seattle Mariners home game, leading to an usher putting the kibosh on their amorousness.

The ball club claims the two engaged in "groping," leading to attendee complaints; the pair claims it was mere innocent pecks.

Nonetheless... Even given the worst-case scenario, who in the hell has a problem with watching women grope one another?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2008:

With Dem nom sewed-up, did occur,

we're sappier than thought we were--

feel sorry for Clinton...

Not Hil, o'er lost stintin',

but Bill--'cause he must live with her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2008:

Headline:

"Passersby Ignore Hit-Run: 78-Year-Old Man Left in Street as Cars Whiz By"

Well, what are the modern masses to do? Go iPod-less for a few minutes, for Elvis' sake?...

Why do movie reviewers even bother with "Sex and the City"?

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who'll go see the flick even if it were to clock-in at 10 minutes...and the rest of us, who'd rather shove a bamboo shoot into our pee hole...

We here at DL/S&Y tend to be suspicious toward big companies.

But we have to congratulate Google in it's teaming with the Chicago Transit Authority Web site for planning public trans trips.

They've managed to out-screw-up the CTA's own former version--and the CTA is in the running for Most Incompetent Organization on Earth!...

Speaking of our Windy City, we learned recently that this summer will bring a Chicago Caribbean Jerkfest.

Ahem. Now, there's an obvious direction we can go with this one but, instead... Expect the chicks to be out in record numbers--Caribbean or not, jerk-lovin' is color blind...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/8/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: With "Friends" Like These...

It Happened Again.

Another MySpace "friend" killed me off as a "friend," with no explanation or fanfare.

Now, this time, it doesn't bother me so much. I barely knew her--yes, another chick--and she... Well, even though she slighted me, I won't blab about her in this forum. She was a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, too--and even sent letters, unlike most of you lackadaisical bastards.

But this got me thinkin'... Number one, since I didn't notice this kill-off right away, perhaps I've been de-friended before and thought it was something else. (MySpace apparently kills off "friends" who turned-out to be just spam--and at first my policy was accepting any and all wannabes.)

Secondly, as this phenom appears to be at least semi-common, maybe it needs a better handle than "de-friended."

I kinda like "rear-friended"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/8/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: My tiring girl

 

All you see lately is the rot in things,

and it's damn tiring. No, I don't understand --

I don't want to understand -- why you're up

all night avoiding cocoons so you

can focus your reflection in the mirror,

connecting the dots of your personal apocalypse.

 

Guess what.

It's your reflection.

It does not change that quickly.

Though how you see it might.

 

And when you weep about whether you deserve love

you need to stop and think. Why would anyone

not deserve a vital connection? Is this a test?

Like when the proselytizing agents of faith

knock on your door and ask you if you deserve

the love of God? How do you respond to them?

 

If you say, yes, yes, yes, yes,

I deserve His/Her/Its love,

oh fuck, you did it now.

Who do you think you are

to be worthy of the divine?

 

But if you quietly, humbly

bow your head in benediction,

say what's in your heart:

NO I DO NOT DESERVE LOVE,

then, my tiring girl,

you are ready to be saved.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/8/2008:

> Here's another crazy California thing that

> might make its way to Illinois soon...

>

> "State Bill Proposes Ban On Metallic Balloons"

When was the last time we thanked the busybody, for-your-own-good do-gooders behind "Reefer Madness Three: Secondhand Science" for the precedent they've set?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2008:

Why bother with movie reviews

for "Sex and the City"--those who

like show will go see it

'ven if awful be it--

the rest'd prefer pee hole bamboo'd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2008:

Ever wonder why mainstream newspapers have more auto columnists than movie reviewers--in fact, a number on a par with sports columnists--even as the auto industry is seeing a HUGE decrease in car shopping?

Hmm... Can you say, "Wall of Separation Between Editorial and Advertising"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2008:

When, to, MySpace "friend"-ship you've tended

and glance at "friends" shows one has ended--

as "friend" you've been killed;

no-cause-given drill...

The term for it should be "rear-friend-ed"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2008:

Headline:

"Chocolate Factory Fumes Leave 1 Dead, 2 Sickened"

Geez. We've heard of desserts being "to die for," but this is taking things a bit too far...

And, wow--all sorts of people seem to be under attack by things culinary lately... Headline:

"145 Sickened by Tomatoes in 16 States"

Well, if they're talking about STEWED tomatoes, we don't see how this even qualifies as "news"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2008:

We not only tell poor to "stick it!"

But, low budget? We make them kick it

'to gear with their cash.

Without nest egg stash

they buy hopeless lottery tickets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2008:

Despite its being touted as a "Dream Team," many are pooh-poohing the idea of an Obama-Clinton ticket because the two appear... Well, as if they can't stand each other.

However, similar pairings have stood the test of time. Since the dawn of history, for instance, a familial role has always been served through bad marriages...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/11/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Grocery Discounts for Insults

When you use one of those "Preferred Cards" (as my grocer calls 'em...I mean, as my grocery store calls 'em; I only wish I had an actual, personal "grocer")...it spits out coupons based on your shopping habits.

Recently I received a coupon thusly for Lean Pockets.

Now, were I to have a weight problem, I might well be offended.

But, really, the cash register adds 10 pounds...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/11/2008:

> Hiya Sloop. I just got back from Russia last night

> and this to 96F. Ugh. Also I have a slight case of

> jet lag and was up at 4:40 AM. Another ugh! 

> It's a funny, non coincidence, that food is in your

> thoughts and headlines too. 

>

> I just finished The Arugula of the United States and

> am coming to the end of The Omnivores Dilemma, both

> wonderfully informative books about our food and

> eating habits.

>

> Arugula is about the changing food habits of the US...

> from Fanny Farmer on. The Dilemma is about what foods

> to our table and how. The latter is quite an eye

> opener. It seems that we are being slowly poisoned.

> Sop what else is new, we all eat shit, literally and

> figuratively, and die.

> I won't go on but both books for me are must reads,

> the second being quite dense but worth all the

> foraging involved.

>

> Hugs from Fast Eddy/

> PS My Moscow and St Petersburg trip was awesome.

Chief Limericist invited to, and thus checking in, here.

Well... This is all too deep for me on a day I'm just trying to get the hell outta the house...er, Daily Limerick towers and take the laptop to the lakefront.

But I think I once knew a stripper named Arugula...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2008:

Many a Dem tries to disparage

the ticket to quell the miscarriage

of party goodwill--

Hil/Obama bill...

Could "work"--just like any bad marriage!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2008:

Isn't if curious that folks seeking to stand out from the crowd as rebels and risk-takers (while, coincidentally enough, usually experiencing a mid-life crisis)...go skydiving through one of many companies in a now-mainstream industry helping thousands "stand out from the crowd"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2008:

Those who with mid-life ain't well jiving

try something like going skydiving.

To stick-out's their druthers--

like thousands of others

who've spurned a whole industry's thriving!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2008:

For Friday the 13th, here's another sign of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse:

MySpace Karaoke...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/13/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Tip From a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper

E-mail Subject:

> New Uriah Heep CD Drops Today

So there. Go "Entertain yourself" with that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2008:

When your girl tries to be demure as

she's horned-up, but rag's in her fur-age,

and still you go in...

It isn't a sin--

just tackling the Red Vag of Courage!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2008:

We're now OFFICIALLY "Your Source for the Latest JLH News."

JLH--Jennifer Love Hewitt. Idiots.

We've called ourselves that before but it was really puffery. Semi-puffery, actually, as we do, of course, bring you JLH news. The joy of JLH--word that she was considering posing in Playboy--and the tragedy--er, that she HASN'T posed for Playboy.

Anyway, we check our Web site stats regularly and saw that folks found Daily Limerick in searching a little JLH.

Thus, we're OFFICIALLY... Well, if not Your Source, at least A Source.

So, nyaah.

Nothin' like Jennifer Love Hewitt to help wile away an Extra Cheezy Saturday.

Perhaps we should've phrased that differently. The Chief Limericist's getting that funny look in his eye again...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2008:

Some NBA refs, there're reports,

were fixing game calls for cohorts.

With baseball's 'roid "tsk"...

Let's put asterisk

by all the stats in all pro sports!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2008:

Headline:

"Aldermen Get Letters Holding White Powder"

Does anybody else long for the days when such a headline meant "Party!"...as opposed to "Terror!"?...

Okay, so the traditional newspaper industry is in sad, sad shape. I think it'll adjust to the new media and all eventually, but expect it to be toilet swimming for some time.

Some have hope.

To those over-optimistic Slapper Yapper Grashoppers... A question:

From where do newspaper receive the vast majority of their all-important advertising dollar?

That's right--the auto industry.

Hmm...

If you own a shredder... Well, you're an idiot. Sorry. If the thong bikini fits, wear it. (And if the thong bikini DOESN'T fit so well...please, for the love of all that is decent, DON'T. But I digress.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Identity theft and all. But you can use your hands to rip papers, you know. And you probably already own scissors. And you can also throw junk mail and stuff into the trash, rather than recycling, and make sure to dirty it up with the coffee grounds and such in there already but... Sorry. But if you've bought a shredder, you might need help tying your shoes.

Now, I thought the whole idea of shredders was certainly Hall of Lame material--well beneath the Segway, of course, but still. And then I read of an upcoming, local "Shred-A-Thon" event.

Really.

And it's NOT a first installment. A "Shred-A-Thon" has attracted enough attendees in the past to warrant a SECOND installment (or third--I forget and ain't spending an extra second researching a freakin' "Shred-A-Thon").

As hella-lame as it all sounds, it's even WORSE than it may seem at first pondering. See, people can bring papers--up to 10 boxes--and have their papers shredded for them free.

So... There are enough folks out there who a) are puzzled by the technological wonder called "a scissors"; b) are too cheap to buy a lame-o shredder and; c) have such pathetic lives that they'll actually allot free time, and expend energy, to attend a freakin' "Shred-A-Thon."

If I ever encounter extra-terrestrials who've gotten wind of this, I'm gonna have a helluva time explaining that this is the same race that put a man on the moon...

Mauricia Grant is alleging that, as an employee of NASCAR, she was subject to harassment and racial slurs and... Oh, really, you can't add anything to this naturally occurring joke, can ya'?...

Since we sought to pipe-in on the fashion tragedy that was black nail polish (God, we HOPE it's past tense), we've gotta give our thumbs (or somethings) up to the new, light blue polish we're seeing all over.

Just as, out of a zillion monkeys typing randomly, one will eventually produce a Shakespeare play, a zillion women and gay men removed from the real world in Italy and/or New York will occasionally hit the Schwing Factor...

On a related note--Chief Limericist checking in early for Sunday Story Time... If you ever catch me wearing sandals...tell the weird undertaker to remove 'em, as I never wore 'em in life...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/15/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Helping Dad

We're tying a Sunday Story Time to a holiday, for a change! (Yeah, yeah--I usually have plenty of seasonal tie-ins around Christmas but, then again... How long is it until Christmas now?)

My dad was always fixing stuff around the house. Stereotypical dad, in that way. In fact, Super Dad, in that way--other than electrical stuff ("I don't screw with that because mistakes can kill"), he was never the type to pay anybody for even the most intensive of handyman chores.

Being the son, of course, I was enlisted to help dad much of the time. Make that "help" dad.

You see, I'm sorta the anti-handyman. No good with such endeavors. In a strange twist of destiny, my sister actually ended up handy. Now, I'm manly in plenty of other ways--not that there's anything WRONG with not being so--and I've learned some things over the years, especially since owning my own place and not being able to cry "landlord!" when something breaks, but... Well, blow me and I'll cook you dinner. Get someone else to fix the damn sink.

In general, I was less than useful sometimes as a helper. Most of it was simple incompetence, ala "Can you run downstairs and get me the socket wrench?"; "What's a socket wrench?"; "Well, it's long and silver and looks like..."; (trot, trot, trot); "That's not a socket wrench! I'll get the damn thing myself"--that kinda stuff.

There were a couple amusing boners. I fell through the roof when we were fixing it once. (Just my leg poked through.) One time I was tightening a bolt or doing something or other to a toilet and utilized a hammer and... Well, toilets are generally made of ceramic, so I took out the freakin' toilet.

In any event, well, I guess I just wanna say, "Dad, I'm sorry." Oh, and "Happy Father's Day."

On a side note, my dad can't even make coffee...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/15/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Right to the end

 

The plates are cracking

and the ink is dripping.

The candles have melted

but for their wicks,

sad little reminders of flame.

 

And the sounds are explosive,

like guitars hitched to lightning.

We're riding their currents.

Exploring, exploring,

expanding the meeting.

 

Breaking

and shuddering,

(sweat flips from a bell's mouth,

its round golden housing reflects us)

right to the end.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2008:

Ex-NASCAR worker sues, says blokes

there spewed racist slurs--verbal pokes.

We'd comment with wit

but can't add to it:

Sometimes, Life throws out its own jokes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2008:

Okay, so we have weather forecasts and traffic reports. And we've suggested broadcast media to add a "Gaiety Index," for certain city neighborhoods to inform viewers of the level of homosexual activity occurring, toward the end of making daily travel plans... Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. But extremely high levels of gaiety... Anyway, now, we've got a new idea:

The Riffraff Report.

Summer usually sees a spike in activity from local riffraff--but sometimes you never know. I've encountered bands of riffraff on below-zero days--in neighborhoods without even a Popeye's Fried Chicken nearby--and also avoided the bastards at, say, 2 a.m. in typically riffraff-laden areas.

"The forecast calls for unseasonably heavy riffraff accumulation in the Uptown neighborhood, especially toward evening. If you're heading far north, to Rogers Park, however, expect pleasant conditions with nary a riff nor a raff in sight"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2008:

The case against R. Kelly failed;

like Jacko, he won't go to jail.

I guess black pop stars

can proceed like czars--

a'tearin' off underage tail!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2008:

Okay. So we've been ripping the idea of men wearing sandals for some time now. Call us odd, but the practice was once seen as full-on girlie man and, yes, our society is evolving, which is good on some levels but... Well, ladies, do you want your men soon spending more time on their hair than you?

Okay, so we agree on this much: This "evolving" can go too far. And has, we'd argue but... We gotta agree on this, too:

Men with anklets.

C'mon, seriously dudes...or dudettes, or whatever we should call you... An anklet?

Lose it or come out of the closet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2008:

To help our day's travel plan sort

and how just that we should comport

I wish media

to forecasts adds the

idea of "Riffraff Report."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2008:

Headline:

"Segway Sales on a Roll as Cost of Gas Soars"

Just in case you needed a reminder that the human race is doomed...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/18/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Cheddar Jalopeno Cheetos

Today's titular snake is so delicious it defies words. Well, defies words that don't come to a lazy hack easily on a lazy day, anyway.

Much, much better than those "Flamin' Hot" Cheetos which, I believe, are made from shreds of habanero picked from donkey stool.

But, alas, they're probably temporary and promotional. I only hope I have time to try the "White Cheddar" variety of the same ilk before they're snatched away from store shelves, although, when presented with a choice, it'll be hard not to grab the jalopeno variety...although I COULD grab both... Don't mind me, thinking e-loud...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2008:

Identity theft roars unfettered

but, if you can't take docs and letters

and scissor and tear 'em

so with thieves, won't share 'em--

your hopeless ass can buy a shredder!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2008:

Received an e-mail from "Al Gore"...and killed it immediately.

Hey. I'm not opening stuff auspiciously from some Big Name but, practically speaking, from said Big Name's posse o' peeps.

Unless, of course, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt. Because... Well, some day. Whether she knows it or not... And, on a related note, she has some lovely bushes outside her place...

From time to time, we've bashed certain male celebrities who've landed hot, primo tail.

We've maintained all along that this is not about jealousy. While we've lamented even the existence of a sex life for, say, Justin Timberlake--sorry, you were in a boy band; modern, justified scarlet letter "B"--we've maintained that some guys seem deserving.

One such cat so named is George Clooney. Seems cool, good at what he does, mainly but not in a ridiculous weight lifter kinda way.

And life just keeps proving our point for us:

Clooney just broke up with hot babe Sarah Lawson because she got breast implants. Of course, knocking her hotness down a few points.

While the battle may indeed be hopeless, score one for the anti-walking blow-up doll team...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2008:

While optimists think, "Ain't so bad"--

traditional newspapers. Ad

sales still come to be.

Most? Car industry...

Think on that... They'll soon lose their 'nads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2008:

...But of COURSE the new MySpace redesign makes it more unwieldly, slower and, in general, more of a pain-in-the-ass to work with...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/20/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Redneck Boy in the Promised Land

Today's title is a book by Ben Jones. A biography of sorts.

Who is Ben Jones? Well, I HOPE you have to ask that... He played Cooter in the TV show, "The Dukes of Hazzard."

Yeah. Not even a main character. The mechanic dude who... Well in any event, sometimes we like to just point out ways to NOT "Entertain Yourself"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/20/2008:

Regarding our recent assertion that we won't begrudge the hot chicks coming George Clooney's way--unlike those coming to, say, a big girlie man like Justin Timberlake--and that our assessment of him as a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper at heart was confirmed by his dumping of a chick for plasticizing herself with breast implants:

> SUBJECT: George Clooney is Gay Most-likely or so the rumors go.

>

> And also in love and lust with Brad Pitt Most-likely. Still, he might be cool.

Well.

As long as he'd dump a GUY for getting...er, nut implants...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2008:

A guy took home a dominatrix--

unknowing, thought she common waitrex!

Game for, say, light spanking--

got nary a yanking!

Was hot-tied and beaten for date tricks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2008:

Our regular daily newspaper features a "Designer's Advice" kinda column...fairly standard.

But... Well, headline:

"Single Guy's Out of Ideas"

Ahem.

SINGLE guy? What the hell do you care about DESIGN for? Trust me--you get a chick and you'll be driven nearly to the brink of suicide over such crap--one visit to Bed Bath & Boredom might push you over the edge... The grass is always more kick-ass on the other side of the dealer; enjoy what you DON'T have a bit on this one, dude...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2008:

As Hil gets official nom boot

some think she'll "take back" campaign loot.

But a campaign lackey

says, "No--that'd be tacky."

(Much like, say, those dumpy pantsuits!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2008:

According to a top Dem source close to Hillary (reported in the Chicago Sun-Times' Michael Sneed column), she will not seek the return of her campaign's donations because, "It would have been tacky."

We're confused... She's worried about "tacky"? With those pantsuits?...

Headline:

"Wright, Pfleger Appear Together But Play It Safer"

I can tell you who's playing it even safer than those two whacktoast--Obama who made sure to be many, many miles away, and is in fact probably sprinting in the opposite direction, no matter how far he is away, just in case...

The Hawaiian Kingdom Government is an organization laying claim to the government of the U.S. state, Hawaii.

They seek to secede from the U.S. and become a monarchy, as the state was way back when.

Why not? Political correctness is already taking us backward on so many other fronts...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/22/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Show out on the Bench

In the spring and summer, I take advantage of the three months or so of decent weather to work on the laptop and/or read outside whenever I can. Much of my work requires being home--especially without a freakin' wireless set-up at this time--or traveling somewhere, but in the evenings, I can be found out near Lake Michigan or sitting on one of the many benches in my neighborhood, doing my thing, enjoying the outdoor-friendly weather.

It's a great venue for people watching. I've seen, and been involved in, some interesting things.

Recently, I was privy to a silent movie, of sorts, playing out before my eyes. Well, a semi-silent movie--I heard SOME things, but wasn't close enough to get the entire plot.

A handful of people were waiting at the bus stop across the street from where I sat. One, a tall man, totally flopped. Hit the ground, out of nowhere.

He was with a woman... But only "semi-with" her, I guess you'd say. Perhaps it was an early date. She seemed to feel some responsibility for the schlub (I'm guessing he was stinko drunk), but not TOO much.

Well, another woman starts apparently telling the Date-of-the-Schlub what to do, because the Date-of-the-Schlub began yelling at the other woman, telling her NOT to tell her what to do. I think the plan was still to get on the bus with Stinko Boy and figure it out from there.

But then a cop happened along. He apparently didn't like the idea of putting Stinko Boy on a public bus.

I overheard some of the copper's questions. "You have a car?... Money for a cab?..." Apparently, Date-of-the-Schlub was either broke or didn't want to shell out for Stinko Boy...so the cop ended up driving Stinko Boy home.

Oh, and the kicker? The little show had an accidental "sponsor." At some point, one of those car/trucks with a back end that looks like a giant billboard drove by, advertising The Admiral Club (a local strip joint). They have some sort of breakfast promotion, so it featured a topless chick with strategically placed cinnamon rolls, "Hot Buns 'Til 4 a.m."...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/22/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The world before 8:30 a.m.

 

Fragile little colors,

like twigs and sticks and things,

coming from the radio.

 

Tiny plinks, the memory of a

clock and her thoughts, I guess,

or a ballerina box.

 

The smallest hammers

tapping the slightest notes

fill the world this morning.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2008:

Midwest--rain's strewn floods all about;

in Cali, they're 'mid full-on drought!

Think if we'd show care

and not rape her wares

Ma Nature might even rain out?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2008:

Okay, it's frightening enough to stumble across a news story about a Morris, Ill. tavern, Clayton's Tap, featuring a "Yappy Hour" for freakin' dogs...AND that they actually sell a variety of nonalcoholic "beers" for dogs...but we really heard the hoof beats from the Four Horsemen of the Cultural Apocalypse in learning that one "beer" variety--for, you know, DOGS, which nature made carnivorous--is of a "veggie flavor"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2008:

Hil votes, tinged with prim'ry disdain

some say might now go to McCain.

I won't share MY tissue

for tears o'er chick issues--

if they vote "Bush Light," then complain!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2008:

The State of Illinois has enacted a program, All Kids, which provides health insurance for all eligible children who do not otherwise have it.

However... Well, many of the parents eligible ARE NOT signing their children up for it.

Ahem... Free?... Ahem... Kids' health at stake, here?

Now, some companies, including the Chicago Sun-Times, have joined forces with the government to expend more time/money/volunteer efforts to push eligible parents for enrollment of their children.

In fact, THAT not proving to be enough, they're even now offering free gas cards worth $100.

Of course, this is a worthy cause and we're all for it but... Ahem.

FREE HEALTH INSURANCE FOR KIDS? And these parents need GAS CARDS to enroll them?

We'd sorta "sat" on this story for a while. As it's local. But it has been needling away at us, as it foretells a greater truth about humanity... Namely, that--sorry for the additional Monday downer, but facts are facts--there's no hope for us whatsoever...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2008:

Those breast implants leave a bad taste.

That blow-up doll look? Hot chick waste!

Your bod knows what's pretty--

itty bitty titties

oft "fit"--more than mouthful's a waste!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2008:

I'm a whackjob.

(Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

Well... Under touchy-feely, self-helpy language, I sometimes do whackjob things, anyway, while not actually being, in fact, a whackjob.

Oh, I'll maintain that it's rare. And the nature of rabble-rousing social commentary demands it. (As I have outlined on the site, in the DL Creed section or something--but I don't expect all of you whackjob Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to memorize it.)

See, now and then I look or think back to some of what I've ranted and think, "Man, that's kinda nutty!" But I refuse to retract anything; again, such is the nature of these endeavors--and even if I deem a past rant to be whackjob, it doesn't mean there isn't a grain of truth behind it, or that I didn't mean what I was saying, at the time.

I could name examples but... Well, there ya' go. I now return you to your regularly scheduled whackjobism...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/25/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Jimi Hendrix of Barbecue

I am, as the title states, The Jimi Hendrix of Barbecue.

Why? Because I've cooked-up some of my friends and cohorts' greatest culinary memories--from honey jalopeno chicken to honey and hot pepper-laden marinades, sweet while hot--and I've never taken any sort of class with any sort of culinary unit or aspect.

Hendrix, as you may or may not know, never took a guitar lesson.

Hence... What the hell? Say it loud, proud and too much: I am The Jimi Hendrix of Barbecue...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2008:

To George Carlin, I bid farewell.

Where he's now, unsure--but not hell.

'Spite fund'ment'list rumor,

God has sense of humor--

Free Speech is God's work; George served well.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2008:

So Don Imus... Well, isn't it time Imus joined the likes of Madonna and Marilyn Manson in the Somebody Please Be Shocked By Me Still Club?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2008:

Don Imus? (Sigh.) New verbal flub.

Think he'd learn from last public drub!

Yet like Mar'lyn Manson,

Madonna's tired prancin'...

He's now in the "Please be Shocked Club"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2008:

So Ralph Nader says... Oh, really, isn't Nader's prattling only about as "newsworthy" as those of a "reality" TV show "star" at this point?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/27/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Show Business

With my new monthly variety/talk show--to be available on the Web (figuring out details; see the Sloop Central portion of the site)--I'm experiencing all sorts of new performers to feature in this section.

But for this week's edition... Well, call it schlock, but it does have validity.

There's a reason Ethel Merman sang, "There's no business like show business." And I recommend getting into show business not to entertain others, but to entertain yourselves!

Okay, that's a tall order. And looking at the life I currently lead and have led... Well, I'm not sure I recommend going into show biz 100 percent. But let me tell you--it's entertaining.

I've placed Craig's List ads for variety performers. And of those who don't completely blow you off (a large percent), I've already met some...interesting sorts. The older lady who showed up at a coffeehouse--not for an audition, but simply to meet--with multiple translucent scarves and boobs hanging out. The nut who wants to do "tricks with a sock"... And there have been some "good" encounters, too.

For instance... A burlesque style stripper wants to do the show. (That's an extended strip tease that ends with a brief glance of betassled boobs--not full nudity nor the seamy stuff now euphemistically called "exotic dancing.") She sent me a Web link to her act and... Well, I came close to melting.

Weeeeeeeelllll, doggies!

I wouldn't MEET chicks this sexy in an accountant's job, or my on again/off again journalism jobs. Much less have them clamoring to be featured in my show--and eager to meet and discuss possible collaborations. Oh, I'm a decent guy--which often gets Life's Short Shrift for me, actually--and not whipping out the casting couch or anything. Viewing it professionally. But... Beats meeting with my last evil boss (who's ugliness went to the bone, through her soul and infested her personality).

So, yeah. Think I need a cold shower now.

Ah. Show business...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2008:

Met a girl who dances burlesque;

watched her YouTube vids at my desk.

Was near hypnotized;

scratched my inner thighs...

Next thing I know, I'd made a messque!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2008:

Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in TWO WEEKS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Question:

Do gay guys like The Three Stooges?

Just wondering. You know the stereotype--guys love 'em, chicks don't. And since gay guys stereotypically embody some stereotypical straight guy traits and some stereotypical straight chick traits... Well, what's the deal?

Any input, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2008:

Eight years ago, folks cared 'bout Nader--

why, Gore viewed him as a Darth Vader!

Then: lib'ral vote muddied.

Now: Can't fuck nobody--

his presence is as masturbator!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2008:

Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in THIRTEEN DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

While we're stoked about the political-business-not-as-usual aspect of the Obama nomination... Well, the Democratic National Convention in Denver plans to go out of its way to serve NO fried foods.

Just a reminder that BOTH sides are frightening--and with the success of Secondhand Science, here's a glimpse into the next wave of the War on Fun...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/29/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Joyce

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I emcee live music/variety shows around Chicago, engaging in comedic shtick between acts. (See the Sloop Central section of the site, ass bastards.)

'Hoppers likely have also read of my Charlie Brown-esque capers involving women at these shows--as the hottest ones are usually with band members. Today's story involves such a tale.

Joyce is a girl who's hotter than shit, to put it less than romantically. I won't go into my preferences and peccadilloes, but let's just say that, to me, she's perfect. And I'm not just talking physically, here. She's cool, funny, smart, easy to talk to--and appears to have all the traits that are opposite to me but complimentary; the type of traits a good relationship with me is built upon. (Which I know from experience--despite oft living a romantic train wreck, one still learns some things.)

Anyway she is, of course, a long-time girlfriend of a guy in a band. And a guy in a good band, to boot. Months ago, I stalked her. MySpaced other guys in the band about her, with intentions innocent, at least on the surface. (She was studying for an environmentally themed major and I ghostwrote for an environmentalist for a while there, who was looking for intern help.) Then I showed up at one of the band's shows--not one that I was a part of--and... Well, not only was Joyce NOT present, but it appeared they were "on" to me, although they treated me fine.

My plan was to confess my infatuation and try to steal her. Totally unlike me but... Oh, those romantic train wrecks. Was just fed up at the time.

So I saw Joyce recently at another show--which was a surprise. One of the featured bands was a new side project of her boyfriend. Joyce and I still had some form of chemistry (if not romantic, unfortunately)--but she and her boyfriend were all lovey-dovey and... Well, almost seeming "made for each other" (if she weren't really made for me, whether she knows it or not).

My lust turned more and more guilty by the minute, however. First of all, I got to know Joyce's boyfriend better and he's really a great guy. Secondly, Joyce told me that he listens to my song, "Fireworks, Cheeze 'n' Porn"--which I previously gave Joyce on a CD; see Sloop Central again, bastards--as a "pick me up" when he's having trouble getting moving some days. So he's a big fan of mine.

And now I feel like a horny, filthy rat bastard, to tell you the truth.

And yet Joyce... Oh, I just can't he'p myself...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/29/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The otherwise quiet

 

The power lines are humming

in the otherwise quiet:

they cross valleys

and along roads,

which are quiet except

for cars and birds.

 

When I open my mouth,

I'm hoping for the power

to move you, to help you

or to drain you. But often

it's quiet.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/29/2008:

In answer to our question yesterday as to the male/female rift regarding The Three Stooges and how gays view them:

> Sloop! After much research I came to the conclusion

> that EVERYBODY loves The Three Stooges, except those

> that don't.

>

> Fast Eddy

Well, Ed, seems like you may have a future as a Studyer of Things, as yours is every bit as shocking as most of those million-dollar-grant-landing academic types...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2008:

For coming DNC they've done

away with fried foods concessions.

A glimpse--since we're buyin'

the Secondhand Science--

the Left's next step in War on Fun!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2008:

Daily Limerick's Ninth Anniversary comes in TWELVE DAYS! Then, we enter our TENTH YEAR and count down to ONE DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"!...

Okay, we know they're out there... So who ARE these people who actually enjoy those jazzy, boopity-bop covers of the likes of Sinatra and the Beatles? And why do coffeehouses and retail outlets assume they'll sooth the masses as opposed to... Well, let's just say that if we were bad apples about to lose it, it wouldn't be Marilyn Manson tunes that'd send us to shoot up an Arby's...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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