Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2008:

A girlie I know is quite fickle;

she says she don't like her feet tickled

but, wriggling and such,

doth protest too much--

at least 'til you slip her the pickle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2008:

Yesterday was Leap Day, coming only once every four years...and we dropped the ball.

No Limerick about it. No anything.

Leap Day is also known as "Sadie Hawkins Day," in which men and women are allowed to switch societal roles, with women asking men out and such. As I write this--Chief Limericist checking in, here--the day before you're reading it, of course, on Leap Day, I don't have much good to report about it.

However, in between being raped, beaten, sold into sexual slavery and making less money for the same work, I did manage to annoy those around me in changing my mind ceaselessly--oh, and I got in some great shoe shopping...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2008:

I wish Pres. election was nigh;

so sick of the sound bites and lies.

I'll vote any schmo

whose slogan'd just go:

"Less slimy than the other guy!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2008:

Prosper Inc., a "motivational-coaching business" based in Utah, has had a supervisor accused of waterboarding "sales teammates" to demonstrate how hard one should work to make a sale.

You know the old saying, "All is fair in love, war...and the corporate grind"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/2/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Enviro Dude

Perhaps I SHOULD give the guy's real name, as the bastard still owes me money but... When I decided to try full-time freelance writing and editing last summer, I found Enviro Dude through an ad he was running in the general newspaper--"Personals" section, oddly enough.

Yeah, I glance at the personals because they're...weird. Who the hell uses general newspaper personals anymore? Anyway, he had an ad something along the lines of "typist wanted," so I called it, knowing from experience that, although typing doesn't pay that well, sometimes it actually means typing work in and cleaning it up (editing) and... Well, I ended up working for Enviro Dude.

He's actually a former engineer and aviator with a lot of brilliant ideas about saving the environment, in fairly simple ways. For instance... You'd be amazed at the unnecessary environmental damage spewed from airports--and it'd be easy to fix, but with all the developers and money involved... I won't go into it now, but if you knew just how unhealthy it is to live within 30 miles of an airport... Well, you'd never worry about secondhand smoke again. (Actually, you might, as that whole movement's really a ploy to push people around who don't make the same lifestyle choices as you.)

A noted speaker, he was looking to put some of his tapes, ideas, published articles, etc. together into a book. He gave me about half the hours I needed at a great wage--and paid regularly...at first.

Enviro Dude was the sort who was driven and brilliant but scattered. He'd go on and on about his ideas, I'd craft necessary outlines and such for his book...then he'd go outside the lines; digress; get carried away... I had to keep him on track. On one hand, it was a pain in the ass dealing with his being all over the place. On the other, it was hard not to catch his enthusiasm.

Enviro Dude had a "big" speaking engagement at a coffeehouse in Chicago. He told me about it well ahead of time and I showed up to take notes and help out but... I think fewer than a half-dozen people showed. His presentation was unrehearsed and all over the place. It didn't help that he was literally too excited about the topic to speak well on it.

One of the reasons I'm less than seething pissed about being owed money from Enviro Dude is that he's a Man on a Mission. I can tell he has the attitude that, "I'm saving the planet! If I'm a bit behind paying the people helping me that's okay; I'm saving them, too!"

There were all sorts of other hurdles in working with Enviro Dude. He's at or near retirement age and less than tech savvy so, rather than e-mailing him documents, I'd have to mail them. And he was often out of town, including out of country, with speaking engagements and such, resulting in work schedule gaps (accompanied by catch-ups), taking notes from cell conversations with less-than-stellar reception, irregularly sent checks... But, given all factors, that was also part of the "charm."

He had a hot daughter, too, whom I met at that speaking engagement in the city. That's a digression and beside the point, though, I suppose.

Given Enviro Dude's nature, I was a bit nervous about the gig all along. At one point he left a long rambling message about how he wasn't sure he could continue paying my wage... Called him back and he was out-of-country... Finally sent a letter saying I needed to make a certain wage and, despite the nobility of the effort, wasn't at a point where I could put in significant hours as a volunteer--and that I'd already put in a slew of hours I was owed for, at a previously agreed upon wage with the "go ahead" to do a certain number of hours per week.

Finally, I said I was finished until I was paid-up. He sent a check for some of it and...disappeared.

A month or two later, I received a phone message from him. He'd suffered a nervous breakdown and was effectively canceling the project. (It's not just the chicks in my life who are, or who go, nutt.) If I mailed him the tapes and documents and such, he'd follow-up with a check to even the score. So I did just that...but am still waiting for the final payment.

I do think he'll pay me. Eventually. Probably, as these things go, when I'm more settled regarding regular income (freelancing has been really hectic and I'm pursuing other options) and not desperately needing it, which has recently been the case.

Yet my closing letter (and phones messages) to Enviro Dude weren't just gilding the lily and acting nice to better ensure his sending that final check. I told him that I'd learned a lot from him (in fact, he radically changed my ideas on the environment), now pass many of his ideas on to others and still sincerely hope he'll get back to his efforts, when his life's straightened out.

See, Enviro Dude, as far as I'm concerned, embodies what life is all about: pursing your individual calling until it drives you mad, broke or both...and then going right back to that calling when you rectify the madness or brokenness again.

And, although I've mentioned it in DL/S&Y/etc. before, let me say, in closing, that it's because of Enviro Dude I realize that only wide-sweeping efforts can do much about the environmental crisis.

And that you smug chowderheads riding your bikes around, wearing hemp shoes and crap aren't doing shit...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/2/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The man in the ice tray

 

A little man lives in the ice tray.

He has transparent wings, they thicken

with frost. When I open the freezer

door, he shakes his wings and white

pieces fly everywhere. He sometimes

offers me an ice cube like a prospector

would offer up a piece of gold,

 

grudgingly sharing his gift for mining.

At other times I catch him marveling

at the frozen cubes of water laid out.

He keeps a tally of the number

I've used and how many remain.

He never speaks. He wears pale yellow

clothes that seem molded to his frame.

 

I try to imagine what his voice sounds like.

Would it be bright and cold, or sharp or?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2008:

Researchers now back an espousal--

persistent sexual arousal's

a "syndrome" 'mong chicks.

Regarding drug fix...

Forget it's discovered, I counsel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2008:

A trip to our local drug store, Walgreens, found many items under lock and key. Colognes...stick deodorant... Deodorant?

Oh, the more expensive stuff was out and loose. The $1.99 Walgreens brand was one of those locked-up.

Are teenagers...getting armpit highs or something these days?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/3/2008:

A Slapper Yapper Grasshopper checks in regarding yesterday's Sunday Story Time--the tale of a dude I edited for whom I call "Enviro Dude":

> What a story! It keep me to the very end. I like these long stories

> every once in a while. I am busy writing. Lots of assignments, lots

> of research and energy expended, very little money. But I am hanging

> in there and of course hoping that big assignment (not the one in the sky) is

> just around the coroner. Aah, the struggle of it all.

> Cheers & Enjoy the Day,

>

> Edward

Thanks. Yet another person who likes 'em long... but we'll remind you: It's not the size of the prize it's the...pompadour on the metaphor?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2008:

Depression's the scourge of the nation.

Why cure it? Spin it to elation!

No drug side effects--

just give your wrist flex

at symptoms, indulge masurbation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2008:

Hillary Clinton used "Sweet Home Alabama" as a theme song for her recent Alabama appearance.

Now, as long as we're dippin' into the Lynyrd Skynyrd... Well, there's a certain Skynyrd song that's had its title yelled out at shows as a joke for some time now, and lately we've been thinking that we've grown out of the jokey stage and somebody should just launch into a cover when it's jokingly called for and... Well, we'd seriously consider any candidate with the cojones to use "Free Bird" as a theme song...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/4/2008:

This cat checks in with a news story and commentary thereon:

> "Cook County Board Approves 1% Sales Tax Hike

>

> "'Chicago now has the unfortunate notoriety of having the highest

> sales tax in the country, and our region will now be a more

> expensive place to visit, live, work and operate a business,' said

> Jerry Roper, head of the Chicagoland Chamber of Commerce. 'The

> people of our region should be outraged.'"

>

>

> You gotta love them Liberals. Your money is their money.

>

> Todd

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rub it in. And don't doubt for a minute that the Daily Limerick Towers are feeling the pinch.

However, we know the money will go toward good causes. Like... Well, hookers for the County Board and...well... Maybe we'll look into Sheyboygan...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2008:

Those campaign theme songs are deceivers--

Hil,"Sweet Home Al'bama"? Ain't real her!

If pols must choose Skynyrd

for my vote, the winner's

the first with the guts to use "Free Bird"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2008:

Couple of headlines:

"Man Who Put Qurans in Toilet Pleads Guilty"

and

"Christians Protest Seizing of Bible in Malaysia"

Nothin' like organized religion to bring people together...

But wait!

'Nother headline:

"Mom Melee Gets in the Way of Chuck E. Cheese Party"

Then again, we really don't need much of an excuse to hate each other, do we?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/5/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Edible Underwear

As part of our commitment to diversity... Well, we almost typed "Edible Panties." So there.

Anyway... Well, we were honestly a bit stumped for today's topic. And, really, doesn't it make perfect sense that we'd touch on this one?

What can be said about edible underwear that isn't obvious?

Hmm. Hey, Chief!... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

While I'm no connoisseur, the edible underwear--edible panties--I've sampled tasted a bit like a fruit roll-up kinda deal. Grape, I believe it was. And I find fruit roll-up kinda deals delicious, so...there.

Peach might be a more appropriate flavor. Or kumquat.

I guess that's enough for today's edition...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/5/2008:

This guy actually checked-in twice yesterday so, wanting to put the kibosh on that, we moved it to today's edition.

Todd checking in again about the Cook County (Chicago) tax increase:

> I vote for stealing to avoid the High Chicago taxes.

Easy to say for someone who I happen to know doesn't live in Chicago, there, Robin Hood...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2008:

Though Huckabee's bid now has died

there's still no pick on the Dem side.

That's good, in some ways,

yet extends the haze--

three pols' worth of sound bites and lies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2008:

Special Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Erection Coverage...

So, let's get this straight:

Although it appears likely that Obama will win more of the Democratic delegates, and thus the popular vote, much of the reason that Hillary "Focus Group" Clinton stays in the race is because she plans to court the Democratic "superdelegates," who may somehow actually decide the election, prepared to argue that, although she may have lost the popular vote, she won such "big, industrial" states such as Ohio, California, New York and Texas.

Hmm.

Losing the popular vote but finagling the election on a technicality...where, or where have we heard the hissy fits over something like this before?...

Regarding pundits and their over-analysis of the Democratic primary... While you're assuming that voters listing "economy" as the number one priority go for Clinton and voters listing "the Iraq War" as number one go for Obama... Considering the cost of the Iraq War... Are they REALLY separate issues?...

Some MSNBC babbler last night mentioned Obama's difficulties in picking up the "typical party machine politics" states as an obstacle for the upcoming Pennsylvania primary/caucus/whatever-the-hell but... Hello? Obama won Illinois? Which contains a little hamlet you may have heard of called Chicago?

Sorry. Ain't nobody, nowhere on earth got anything resembling the machine politics of Chicago. And it's rare that we feel slimy and guilty as a result of a wave of pride...

Okay. Enough with the Erection Coverage.

Or maybe not.

Stumbled upon a "help wanted" ad for an "Ad Agency Mount Room Assistant."

This looks like a job for... Daily Limerick!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2008:

If Hil's behind, soon, with Dem score

superdelegates she'll implore.

To bypass pop vote

as her antidote...

Hmm... Where have we heard THIS before?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2008:

So, in the name of the "War on Terror," President Bush is seeking to exempt telecommunications providers from lawsuits stemming from government spying.

In a news story we read yesterday under the headline, "FBI Says it Spied on Us When it Shouldn't Have," the government claims that this improper spying resulted because telecommunications companies gave them more information than was requested.

Thus, Bush just doesn't want US blaming the telecommunications behemoths for spying...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/7/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rootin' for Boris K

Being in my late 30s, I no longer feel compelled to go out every weekend night.

Being single, I usually feel compelled to go out for at least ONE weekend night, but... Well, a few weeks ago, I went out Friday, had plans to go out Sunday and thus sorta looked forward to just hanging around my place Saturday. Rather than working on something or other, I took to reading and flipping channels.

I stumbled upon the original movie "The Mummy" and ended up watching that.

Since that night, my weekend configurations have been similar and the local horror show that presented that flick, "Son of Svengoolie," has taken to broadcasting all of the early "Mummy" movies, one per week. So I've been hooked. But that's beside the point.

At least in the first flick (the others suffer a quality drop-off), I found myself strongly rooting for The Mummy, aka Boris K, aka Boris Karloff.

What I most like about those old horror villains is the fact that they ARE easy to root for. They're not just one-side, evil slashers--they're victims at the same time that they're villains. The Werewolf's afflicted with lycanthropy; the Vampire's a lost, lonely soul; the Mummy only pissed off the gods because he love a woman SO much that he sinned and tried to bring her back to life.

So, you wanna "Entertain Yourself"? Catch a good, old monster movie and root for Boris K--or whoever's playing the Monster.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2008:

After months of sole introspection

a man couldn't shake his erection.

When fin'ly his Willie

was fed, banged chick silly--

she suffered near-lethal injection!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2008:

In doing our regular check-up on Daily Limerick traffic stats, we found that a top search term over the past week was "media bias against limerick."

Hmm. Come to think of it... Ahem:

We're oppressed. And we're sick of it. Where's our history month? Where's our cumbersome, politically correct moniker (Limerick-ing-Americans)? What color is the ribbon poseurs can wear to feign concern about OUR cause without expending real effort?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2008:

Economy's Hil's, pundits sing,

while ending war's what Barack brings

to fight--campaign themes.

But war's billions stream...

Are those goals really sep'rate things?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2008:

Rep. Anthony Weiner (Dem. NY) is asking the FBI and Congress to stop with the sports steroids investigations already and move onto more important matters.

We're completely floored. A member of Congress talking common sense, bashing a politics-as-usual diversion that serves to hide the fact that politicians are generally useless in conquering the real problems of the day?

What's more, Weiner is running for mayor of New York City! That takes some serious stones as anybody even remotely connected to big city councils is expected to attack any civil rights that don't fit in with their elitist lifestyles!

Make sure and carry an umbrella, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, now that pigs are overhead...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/9/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Some Musings on the Death of Gary Gygax

Gary Gygax died last week at the age of 69.

If you don't know who Gary Gygax was... Well, you probably weren't ceaselessly harassed by little girls in your class, so good for you.

Gygax was the inventor of the role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons. Perhaps more properly the "co-inventor," but he was the main dude, in any event. Eventually, he was fired from the company that produced the game, somehow and... Well, you can find a better source for a detailed obit on Gary Gygax.

I played Dungeons & Dragons. Was a fanatic from junior high through the first half of high school, then backed-off a bit but continued to play into college. Truth be told, I loved the game and, were there 48 hours in a day, I might still be at it--even dabbled once again in the role-playing world with a few friends at some point, in my late 20s, if only for about a week.

Now...well, you can't find a better source for a detailed recounting of my D&D experiences, but I'm probably still recovering, somewhat, from the geek bomb it set off in my soul, so we'll leave it at that. But I do have a Gary Gygax encounter story.

I've lived most of my life in the Chicago area and, for many years, the biggest role-playing game convention in the world, Gen Con, occurred in Wisconsin and... Well, I attended multiple times. Hell, I was a freakin' JUDGE a few years, meaning I ran role-playing games for pay, thus professionally, playing Dungeon Master to other conventioneers from around the country and even around the world. (Told you it was a geek bomb.) A Dungeon Master is a person who... Ahem. You can find a better source.

After high school and a pathetic run at college that lasted three months, when living back with my parents, I attended Gen Con a couple of times and, for those outings, it was a party fest. That is, lots of booze and pot but... Well, in case you haven't noticed, D&D isn't exactly a chick magnet.

A whole group of us would head up to Gen Con and go in on a hotel room. About half of the bunch would simply roam the streets of Milwaukee looking for kicks but my friend Joe was also actually into the convention scene. He'd even interned with the company that produced the game, and the magazine The Dragon, at the time.

One day Joe and I, after getting ripped out of our minds, were taking the elevator down to the gaming floor. The door stopped at one of the floors, a sole man entered, the doors shut behind us...and Joe said to the guy, sheepishly, "Hi Mr. Gygax." Gygax grunted a reply, not appearing to remember Joe, perhaps wondering where he'd seen him.

Joe and I were both journalism students then (although I was "between semesters"), both more into creative writing--and we would've jumped at the chance to work for the D&D company, so immediately upon exiting the elevator, Joe said. "Great. I run into Gary Gygax and I just HAD to be stoned out of my mind."

We went straight to a men's room to look at ourselves in the mirror.

Yep. We looked just as stoned as we felt.

Joe had his guitar with, up in the hotel, so later he wrote a ditty about the encounter:

"Ridin' in the elevator stoned to the bone/ Door opens up, soon, we're not alone/ It's Gary Gygax, what a guy/ He don't know but we're so fuckin' high."

So in honor of Gary Gygax, that's my Brush with (Geeky) Greatness tale. If you're impressed... Well, I feel for ya'.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/9/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Selected music of my youth

 

God, his voice is horrible. I

can't stop listening to it.

It's not studied, or careful,

or quiet. It breaks on notes

and stumbles on sentences.

He has the effect of making

the innocent perverse,

and turning filth into water --

 

an exercise that is not

godlike in the least,

but manlike. Not man, but

manlike -- overt theatrics

dull the sensation while

burning it hotter,

so death seems like normal

conversation, and drugs

are merely a comma,

 

with a whisper that splits

seams as surely as the words

of this poem are carved

from my psyche, my immediate

impression. Give your throat

a rest, man. But don't stop.

 

But I can't listen anymore.

So stop screaming, don't shut up.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2008:

Some say that Hil's big state wins mean

Obama can't work Dem's machines.

But won Illinois--

Cal? New York? Mere toys

next to Windy City's crook scene!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2008:

In Minnesota, bars are fighting the secondhand science smoking bans in innovative ways--inviting patrons to show up "in costume," dubbing them all improv actors and thus circumventing the smoking ban!

Of course, state officials are throwing hissy fits having, evidently, stopped all violent crime and solved all real problems but... Hey. No need to heed the backlash among the population you allegedly serve, politicians. Regarding history repeating itself, third time's a charm with Prohibition, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2008:

Bush wants to exempt telecoms

from lawsuits o'er gov peeping tom.

Yet, caught spying wrongly,

Bush turns 'round and, strongly,

cites telecoms to put blame on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2008:

Rude, self-absorbed and flaky is the new black!...

At the grocery store yesterday, I spied "American Idol" ice cream.

What? Is it only known for pretending to be real ice cream, melting before anything tangible can be done with it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2008:

With common sense under attack

and courtesy fading to black

the fash'nable masses

are self-centered asses

for flaky and rude's the new black!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2008:

So, Hillary Clinton, behind at No. 2 in the Democratic presidential candidate race, thinks Barack Obama, No. 1 in the race, would make a great vice president.

In a related story, our Chief Limericist thinks he and George Clooney should trade groupies...

Kind of says something when the Vatican--you know, the boys' club that finally pardoned Galileo in the 1980s for proving that the earth wasn't at the center of the universe--acknowledges the scientific validity of global warming before the Bush Administration, no?...

Chief Limericist checking in, here... I'm trying to sell a book idea to literary agents. So, when I received a rejection slip yesterday from one, I opened my database to record it and... Saw that they'd already rejected me, four months ago.

Rejecting me once, evidently, wasn't enough. Talk about a feel-good...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/12/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Cook-Off Dreams

I wanna participate in some form of cook-off this summer.

Ribs, I'm thinkin'--although my marinated, barbecued chicken gets some rave reviews.

I went a'Googlin' to see what I could scare up, cook-off-wise, in the Chicago area and... Dick diddle.

Oh, there were mail-in-your-recipe kinda contests for major brands. Web sites listing national cook-offs and such but locally, helpfully... Dick diddle.

Don't get it. It's not as if I'm a search engine moron. Entered all sorts of relevant terms that kept taking me back to the same annoying, useless sites.

Maybe it's too early. In any event, my good, old-fashioned, physical newspaper will inform me, I suppose.

Bastards. They all oughta just... Cook-off!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2008:

Hil talks of Obama as veep--

though it's he who first place does reap!

Veep SHE may deserve...

Man, bitch has some nerve!

Where does she get off... What the (bleep)?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2008:

Breaking News Update--

Headline:

"'Gilligan's' Mary Ann Sentenced for Marijuana"

Now THAT oughta help Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers with the often tough, "Mary Ann vs. Ginger" question.

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin': News you can use...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2008:

The Vatican's big-cheezy mateys

call global warming a "sin" lately.

Beat Bush to the punch--

and they are the bunch

who pardoned Gal'leo in '80s!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2008:

Sign of the coming Cultural Apocalypse, knocking at our door, needing no comment--this time taken from the form of a newspaper "notice":

"Weekly punk rock yoga classes"...

Here's another classified ad header:

"Reality TV Script Writer Needed - ASAP"

Hmmm.

Still wondering why DL/S&Y puts "reality" TV in quotes--and the mainstream media has recently begun following suit, without acknowledging us whatsoever, of course?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/14/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Umbra

Ever listened to the really early Pink Floyd music? While either on psychedelic drugs or having a psychedelic drug-induced flashback?

No matter. Just listen to Umbra:

http://www.myspace.com/umbrachicago

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2008:

A fella went off MySpace "friend"-ing.

Viewing chicks' pics was, er, pretending

They'd met in the flesh.

One bit! Hit "refresh"

and she "gave" him a happy ending!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2008:

Having trouble finding the best St. Paddy's Weekend party or bar?

In our neighborhood, you just follow the trail of puke!...

Seriously. Kinda wish we were joking but... I mean, we're all for partying and all but, c'mon!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2008:

Ol' Mary Ann, nabbed by The Man--

caught with Mary Jane! Now we can

more discern her style.

Of "Gilligan's Isle"

helps choice: "Ginger or Mary Ann?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2008:

Here in Chicago, a theatrical offering has begun called "Tran--The Atari Musical," which is a parody of the 1982 film "Tron."

Hmm. Perhaps there IS still hope for our Chief Limericist's "Martin van Buren on Jeopardy" routine...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/16/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pullin' a Benny Hill

I suppose you could call this "Pullin' an Inspector Clousseau" (as in Peter Sellers, from the "Pink Panther" movies), or perhaps countless characters in slapstick comedies but... When it recently occurred to me, Benny Hill was the first who came to mind.

Here's how it works:

A hot chick whom you don't know sees a guy she knows/dates/what-have-you. Her eyes widen, she looks all friendly--and she may open her arms for a hug. (Which occurred when this recently happened to me.) You wave back or whatever, go in for the embrace, pleasantly surprised...because the guys she's gesturing to is behind you and you don't see him.

Thankfully, I didn't close for the embrace...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/16/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: It's still snowing

 

Last night the toothpaste

tasted like soap.

It started snowing two hours ago

and it hasn't stopped.

 

I imagine your storage space

is full of old air.

Is it snowing where you live?

A 30-mile storm.

 

The metal door is frozen

and the boxes are brittle.

It's not paper, it's not thoughts,

it's not thoughtlessness -- it's ice.

 

Are your keepsakes frosted over?

Are your clothes cold to the touch?

It started snowing two hours ago

and it hasn't stopped.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2008:

St. Paddy's Day, and it's no fluke,

at most bars and fests, brain cells nuked!

If you can't find doings

be grateful for spewings--

just follow a fresh trail of puke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2008:

In Afghanistan, a sure sign of emerging from Taliban rule and joining the 21st Century is emerging: "Afghan Star," a TV show modeled on "American Idol," is unwinding.

Wonder what kinda music industry slimeball they recruit to say unfunny lines made "funny" by a specific foreign accent?

But never mind the complex question of "Why do the terrorists hate us?" Why are WE starting to hate "us," more and more?...

Speaking of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse, although the unneeded "update" of "Horton Hears a Who" will be mostly an excuse for the voiceover equivalent of celebrity mugging and showing off, not to mention taking near-blasphemous liberties with Seuss' original tale...at least they had the good sense to avoid another live-action disaster...

Oh, and STILL speaking of you know what... A line of "America's Next Top Model" dolls have been released.

To ensure that your even your little girl will forget just who the hell she's playing with in less than six months...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2008:

"American Idol" ice cream?

What--steals other flavors for steam

and makes them annoying

while, really, just toying--

like "Idols," real "ice cream" unseen?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2008:

Generally predictable media pundits are expressing shock that Ashley Dupre, the high-priced hooker now famous for bringing down New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, may actually land a real career out of this, music or otherwise--or at least get her Fifteen Minutes.

Hey--she'll be every bit a valid star as the "American Idol" chumps, not to mention far less annoying and even more likely to become a real "idol"...

Wow! We accidentally finagled this edition into a theme-kinda deal...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/18/2008:

This letter came in yesterday. So it's perhaps irrelevant for another 364 days but...

> My friend Kay Tess from Itreland Sent this to me, and me to you  - Fast Eddy

Now, the body features a bunch of Limericks--and Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) am understandably touchy about letting others' limericks take over the site but... Well, here's one example:

> There once was a saint we'll call Paddy

> Who had quite a name as a laddie

> He said "I hate snakes

> On land or in lakes"

> And now to Eire he's Daddy

The rhythm's a bit off in the last line--and wouldn't you think an actual Irish limerick (or Itreish, as typed) would be dirty? Anyway... Need I inform Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that Limericks are, in fact, originally French? Before being co-opted by Irishmen in the town of, oddly enough, Limerick?

So, learning from this experience, of an actual Irish limerick, perhaps we can say that our "traditional," Extra Cheezy Saturday Limericks are actually French Limericks?

Or--excuse us--make that Freedom Limericks?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2008:

Afghanis now have "Afghan Star"--

like "Idol," most say, "They've come far;

their culture, regaining!"

And yet, ours is staining

it--"Idol" just lowers the bar.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2008:

So... It's Women's History Month, right?

Hard to tell, not being school kids or academicians.

From what we remember, it's celebrated in March. But we wanted to double-check, in case they changed their minds again...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/19/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Solid vs. Hollow Chocolate Rabbits

Concerning today's titular comparison/contrast... There's really no contest:

Nobody, and we mean NOBODY, prefers a hollow chocolate rabbit. The only time they sell is on accident, leaving some poor kid drooling until... "Wahhh! It's hollow, mommy!"

So, chocolatiers... Knock it off. Knock it off NOW.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2008:

"Amer'ca's Next Top Model" dolls

might now turn girls' to smiles from scowls.

Soon they'll forget names,

post fifteen of fame,

and play'n with them, will throw in towel.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2008:

Holy sheep shit.

We just read the text of Obama's Tuesday speech and... We're having a difficult time being cynical about it

However, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers need not worry that an Obama presidency will destroy our wisecrackin' ways. To wildly paraphrase, sorta, his speech, one man is not gonna solve humanity's chronic idiocy.

And, of course, he hasn't won...yet. The nomination, much less the actual presidency--the Hillary Focus Group Cabal is hard at work finagling Super Delegates, as we write this.

But, in any event... Please don't tell us that he didn't write the speech. We believe otherwise and, well, even WE can overdose on cynicism...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/20/2008:

This came in to our lame MySpace page (although "lame" and "MySpace" in the same sentence is a tad redundant) from a band called Labrador Dali (I'll give 'em credit for an amusing name):

> Hello Sloop!

> Just a quick note to let you know our debut CD, "EXILE ON MYSPACE"

> is now available.

Ahhh. A shill.

Note, too, that we don't know the cats. At least in the non-MySpace world.

But with MySpace "friends," who needs enemas?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2008:

Women's Hist'ry Month--it's that time!

'Least used to be March, by design...

Month may not be fixed--

hey, we're talking chicks--

they might have went and changed their minds!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2008:

Wow!

Yesterday's guest on "Larry King Live" was NOT a washed-up actor, NOT some fringe Drew Peterson-esque character that everybody's already heard too much from... But Barack Obama!

We imagine Larry was asking him about his Senate run...

Saw an ad for some chick, a pop star of sorts, and upon initial glance, with the way she was done up and all... Well, we thought it was one of those strip clubs ads. You know--when they bring in some adult star or whatever.

Pop star...porn star... Is there really much difference anymore?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/21/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Books

Books are these objects wherein words are printed on paper, nestled between two thicker covers (think cardboard-like), and a story is told via language.

It's kinda like a long text message, only proper English is followed and it isn't just a waste of time. (Well, not always, anyway.) A book's story is kinda like a movie plot, only fact-checking and such occurs in the book-making process.

Look into one, next time your freakin' iPod or iPhone is down...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2008:

After giving blowjob first-rate,

though smart, girl I know--Nora Kate's--

still blonde, head and quim,

so when asked to swim

said, "I'd better not--I just ate!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2008:

It's one thing to be disenfranchised.

It's quite another to be disen-francheezie'd...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday, ya' ass monkeys...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2008:

So Florida, Michigan: Burned!

Dem primaries, did not wait turn!

Hil cries, "It's unjust!"

that their votes are bust...

So why the wait to voice concern?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2008:

Happy Goddamned Easter!...

Hillary Clinton on the possibility that the Michigan and Florida Democratic parties, composed of a bunch of butt loads who held their primary in January despite knowing that party rules could hold the contests invalid, may not see a re-do or count in any manner at all:

"I do not see how two of our largest and most significant states can be disenfranchised and left out of the process of picking our nominee..." blah blah freakin' blah.

Funny, but she didn't say anything about it in January.

Must've missed the memo...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/23/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: De-"Friend"-ed

For the first time since I started up a MySpace account...what a year or two ago?...one of my "friends" killed me out of their "friend" list.

I'm not even entirely sure why. I was offered no explanation. I even sent one final MySpace message (oh, the lame-ity of it all) asking why...with no reply.

Well... I have some guesses. It was a chick. That's enough to go on there... A chick I'm interested in, or was... And one who had a boyfriend. But one who didn't always act like she had a boyfriend.

So perhaps the boyfriend was behind the MySpace killing.

I didn't DO anything, though, that would seem to warrant this. I mean, I was nice enough to prune her bushes when I was hiding in them, for Elvis' sake...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/23/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Celebrating and exploding the myth

 

I drank some poisoned tea out of a granite cup.

First, my heart slowed its beating - it felt like

iron in water, my blood a school of slowing fish,

swimming toward the bottom of a pool at dusk.

 

My bones scraped the concrete floor of this

mock-abyss, this shallow grave of my imagining.

The reality was too horrific to allow. Flailing

and spitting up and screaming out. And the dark.

 

So dying, I dreamed (I think I

dreamed) that I was a cat.

But instead of meows, all that came out

was "Poetry! Poetry! Poetry!"

(feed me)

 

Oh to be reborn. If only I -

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2008:

Star egos again on the loose

as Tinseltown once more rapes Seuss.

But thanks to past bombs

the muggings and gloms

for "Horton" spurn live-action douche!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2008:

Whenever you see the phrase, referring to a violent bastard, "treated for anger management," it should be read, "treated TO anger management," as opposed to being punished as he/she rightly deserves, so as to line the pockets of the largely worthless, ever expanding "treatment" industry...numerous times, actually, once the bad-apple bastard/bastardess inevitably beats the carp out of somebody again...

*******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2008:

Wise truths in Obama's Big Speech

to e'en anti-Dems, things could teach.

But rare speaking fire

can just move his choir--

we're too partisan for more reach.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2008:

We just learned, in an accidental sort of way, that a certain, top 20 national newspaper we consider our "hometown choice"...has Internet filters on its reporters' computers.

An institution allegedly committed to the First Amendment--and it has the gall to call itself the "progressive choice" and all while treating employees like 12-year-olds.

Even though the whole concept is screwing the hell out of our lives, considering our "profession" of choice... Die, old media! Die!--and make it fast; it'll be better in the long run...DIE!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2008:

When you see phrase, now oft misspent:

"Treated FOR anger management."

Read the "for" as "to"

for Big Treatment grue

ensures, free pass, violent jerk's lent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2008:

So, James Carville has called N.M. Gov. Bill Richardson "Judas" for endorsing Obama, instead of Hillary Clinton, because Richardson was a Bill Clinton appointment.

Now, we don't know a helluva lot about the Bible and thus welcome this instruction from Carville. So Judas... Endorsed somebody else on conscience rather than repaying Jesus a political favor?

Interesting...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/26/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Al Copeland, 1946-2008

A Slapper Yapper Grasshopper informed us of Mr. Copeland's untimely, tragic passing. (As if the death of a great restaurateur could be anything BUT untimely.)

Actually, we were aware of it but... Damn Fred the Intern dropped the ball--again.

So take time out of your busy day to say a prayer, or eat some Cajun fried chicken--and remember that without Al Copeland, we wouldn't have Popeye's Fried Chicken/Riffraff Shelter...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2008:

James Carville turned ranter and raver;

called Richardson "Judas"--won't caver--

for not backing Hil.

I knew not Christ shilled

his deeds for political favors!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2008:

REMINDER:

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright is NOT, we repeat, NOT running for President.

Nor has he been appointed anyone's running mate, or campaign manager...

Does anybody else wish the subprime loan/foreclosure scandal would hit that lame "Big Brother" house?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2008:

To the sound-bite artists who're gunning

to smear Barack, thinking you're cunning--

there's stuff you can blurt;

all pols have some dirt--

but, shitheads, that rev'rend ain't running!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2008:

Saw a news reference this week describing a found, yet unidentified, corpse as "African-American."

Now, forensics can quite easily tell if a body is of African descent. So how'd they get the annoying "-American" suffix? Was he/she wearing an Uncle Sam suit? Or just fat as all hell?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/28/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Today's Movies

I usually focus on music in this space but, at a loss for anything to write about for this edition, I figured... Movies.

"Run, Fat Boy, Run" looks lame because... Well, the star dude really isn't fat. Don't expect me to actually SEE these likely turkeys... Oh, and "Stop-Loss" looks too preachy. Plus, it's advertised WAY too much--which may draw the Moron Majority, but I like to think of myself as among the Non-Moron Minority, although I'm not getting any History Month or anything for the status.

Then there's... Oh, they mostly look lame. Plus, the DVD player has been invented; no reason to blow $10+ for the privilege of a bunch of chowderheads yakking through the whole thing while enjoying ridiculously overpriced candy, popcorn and watered-down soda in veritably bucket-sized portions...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2008:

If with an Italian, you clash,

and seek way for dagos to bash

say, "I fucked your mother and,

tell you another

thing--came all over her mustache!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2008:

This just in:

Earth Hour is lame.

Correction: Earth Hour is hella-lame.

Tonight, everybody's supposed to turn off their lights from 8-9 p.m. Think it's national; perhaps just here in Chicago... In any event, too silly to bother looking up.

Why is this happening? Well, it ain't gonna save the rain forests, let's put it that way. As we've stressed in the past, and Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know this, while saving the environment is of primo importance, relying on the actions of individuals is a hopeless plan--we need wide-reaching methods because people, in general, are craploafs.

We're advising people to turn on EXTRA lights because if there's one thing we sure as hell don't need more of, it's excuses for smug bastards to act like they're saving the environment when they ain't doin' squat.

Just continue annoying drivers and pedestrians alike with your bike, which saves, I think, three leaves on a bush in the freakin' rain forest over a decade...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2008:

So "Earth Hour" went down yesterday.

A pointless, result-less display

for the smug converted.

Light effort, concerted--

feel good, keep tough real fix at bay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2008:

Kinda says something about the fate of traditional media when your Saturday newspaper's "Auto" supplement has just as many pages as the actual newspaper...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/30/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Saving Water

My nephew, now eight-years-old... Like most kids his age, doesn't yet "get" the world on many levels. That is, he'll arrive at common-sense conclusions that will nonetheless prove so, so wrong in polite society, with the common sense adding to the amusement because you can SEE where he's coming from--and realize that us adults do lose something along the way.

He has his little obsessions about trying things. "I want to try sushi!" "This summer, I'm going to try a corndog!"

He'd taken baths, but not showers, and he's fond of me and all, so once, when I got out that way, which I rarely do, he announced to a bunch of family, "I wanna take a shower with Uncle John!"

I had to decline the offer.

You can't really explain it to the guy. It WOULD make sense, in a world much closer to perfect than this one. Save water, learn how to scrub.

I imagined him in "Show & Tell": "I took a shower with my Uncle John!"

To which the teacher'd reply, "Let's go to the nurse's office and tell her ALL about this 'shower' with your Uncle John..."

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/30/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: It's all about Mediterranean now, I guess

 

The restaurant Sarah and I

took Chris to for his birthday

is already gone.

I'd never been before,

but the three-year-old lounge

attracted funk bands and

women in dated going out

for the night costumes

and people who like to drink

when they listen to live music.

 

A big deal place for a small town

masquerading as a city. Though it never

quite gelled: antipasto and pesto

and savory pasta and desserts,

mixed with live funk music, and

fruity martinis?

 

Our waitress was sweet and clumsy.

From her, I learned how to pronounce a few

dishes -- I've since forgotten;

but I do remember Chris surrounded

by balloons, a rosy glow on his face

from the food, the drink, and his friends

(they only paid for themselves;

were they selfish,

or just genuinely not worldly?)

 

His birthday in the

middle of winter: all cold and dark

outside, but inside was warm atmosphere,

smooth sounds and bright conversation.

 

There's a picture of it

in the paper, part of a story about

the faltering economy and the changing

face of downtown: a boarded-up door

and the lights all off, the furniture

pushed to one side of the floor.

No more music on the sound system.

 

Elsewhere in the same article,

on a different closed-up building:

Coming soon,

A new Mediterranean experience,

Adria restaurant.

 

I wonder how it will taste.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2008:

Near bankruptcy, homeowners hover;

sub-prime loans, financially smothered!

Hope rash of foreclosures

hits "real'ty" poseurs

and seizes the home of "Big Brother"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2008:

For more than half a century now, the word "cool" has remained in fashion to describe something "hip" or "neato-keen."

One might think "cool" will always be used in such fashion... But have you noticed that MySpace has a little section on pages alerting you to "Cool New People."

MySpace? "Cool"? I guess we'll see "cool" go the way of the dodo any time now...

And now it's time for... Fun with headlines (and headline-like dillios):

Ad headline (portion) which, when the election years is taken into account, along with all the celeb endorsements and prattle:

"George Clooney; Renee Zellweger... LEATHERHEADS"

Kinda speaks for itself...

And another, this one pertaining to "sports" leagues:

"Before Fantasy Was Cool"

So, fantasy sports leagues are cool, huh?

The pick accompanying the story shows a bunch of middle-age men.

Not a woman among the bunch. Total sausage fest.

Which brings us back to...the death of a certain usage for the term "cool"...

***

HOW DAILY LIMERICK CHANGES THE WORLD BUT WILL NEVER, EVER GET CREDIT FOR IT 3/31/2008:

A new prank is taking the Internet by storm. Known as "rickrolling," a link is placed, alleging it's for...oh, stock quotes or a pie chart or whatever, but the link actually leads to a video of "Never Gonna Give You Up," by '80s two-or-three-hit wonder Rick Astley.

Hmm.

Approximately a decade ago, our Chief Limericist found great fun in putting Rick Astley songs into the heads of others. Not too long after that, he wrote about the prank right here, in Daily Limerick.

Hmmmmmm...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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