Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2008:

A lucky stud, two ladies, knew

and that both, him, wanted to do.

So both he invited

for oral, excited,

to date them with "teabag for two."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 253 Days to Go...

Read the description for a crappy paying Web "content writing" job that seeks writers willing to give the beyond cliche "110 percent."

But since it's part-time, shouldn't that be... 55 percent?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2008:

Regardless of what does occur

with 'Lection, Palin won't demure

and leave the spotlight.

Does she know? Ain't quite

decision that's just up to her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 252 Days to Go...

So, we gave billions of dollars to banks so that they'd start lending again and now... It appears that very few have started lending again. Many are apparently using the extra money...to buy up other banks.

Wasn't this sorta thing the reason that, under the Clinton Administration, we reformed welfare?...

Once upon a time, whenever you applied for a job and didn't get interviewed and/or hired for the position, you would eventually receive a letter or phone call informing you that someone else was hired and that they'd keep your resume/application on file.

When the occasional potential employer DIDN'T allow for this courtesy, you'd become annoyed.

Then the process reached a point where some, then half, then most, then virtually all potential employers would forgo the courtesy, leaving the job-seeker annoyed much of the time.

Now we've reached a point where you don't even expect the courtesy. And it's been this way for so long that, when you DO receive that letter... Having already assumed you didn't get the job, you become annoyed; "Thanks for rubbing it in"...

Okay, we understand there are multiple reasons for this "early voting" stuff--including Dems' focus on election-count problems to remain in denial over the fact that both Gore and Kerry ran knucklehead campaigns and effectively lost the elections themselves--but concerning the "polls will be too crowded" argument... Well:

From our experience, here in America, the birthplace of modern Democracy, aside from yourself and the election judges... Well, you can make a philosophical argument that if a tree falls in your polling place, it doesn't make a sound...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/2/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...is taking the week off.

Gotta recover, you know. I always overdo it for All Saint's Day...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/2/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Powder on the wind

 

The trees are stirring,

dark branches, fallen leaves.

A powder on the wind is

ready to cake us all under.

What's over is being able to read

my own handwriting -- it's hard

to focus on my loops

of language, like the trees

a resonant blur, a chill

hiding life in its curves.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2008:

Excitement, for me, fills the air!

Election Day--we're almost there!

Guess next pres. we'll know,

but joy overflows

'cause damn ads will go off the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 251 Days to Go...

From the cover of a recent Rolling Stone magazine:

"'Pineapple Express': The Greatest Stoner Movie Ever"

Realize, of course, that while Rolling Stone tries to appear all hip, and it in fact has legitimate rebel roots, it's now... Well, owned by one of the three or four conglomerates owning pretty much every media.

In fact, Rolling Stone drug tests its writers. So unless that particular story was freelance or, giving them the benefit of the doubt, the writer(s) INTERVIEWED stoners to get the stoner cred for such an assertion... Well, realize it's just a corporate wolf in counter-culture clothing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2008:

Early voting's played a big role--

to miss the crowds, many extol.

Must be vote first-timers--

I'd find it sublimer

seeing COUPLE others at poll!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 250 Days to Go...

Okay--this has been bothering us for some time.

Now, Chase isn't the only bank advertising the service, but their commercial is the one annoying us lately.

There are mountain climbers. One answers a cell call--it's a reminder from good ol' Chase that her checking account balance is low. The point of the commercial is that Chase lets you know when your checking balance is low.

In case, you know, you're a fool who doesn't balance and/or otherwise keep track of your account.

Hmm... Banks and all we know about them, considering the current financial doomsday situation... People who don't keep track of how much money they put into their bank accounts... Banks pursuing such customers vigorously... Hmmm... Hmm, indeed...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2008:

So Obama won--go "hooray"!

My, my what a historic day!

Of all the non-bummers?

Most stoked that Joe Plumber

and Palin will now go away!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 249 Days to Go...

Welcome to DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN'S SPECIAL ERECTION PACKAGE...

That should be "ELECTION" PACKAGE, actually...

On second thought, no it shouldn't...

You ass bastards oughta be thankful, or something, that we're filing timely nuggets today. Or nuggets as timely as an old-fashioned, morning newspaper, anyway.

See, we usually write the next day's Limerick on the previous morning and the next day's nugget(s) no later than the previous afternoon. This is more than okay, overall--we're not so much a "news" er...organization as a commentary one and, given our angle... Yeah, yeah, yeah--we're on the Internet and all, could be up-to-the-minute but... If you're looking to us as a "news source," well... Professional help, pal.

But this is a special occasion. Not only an election, but a historic one (as if EVERY election isn't). So due to, um...demand, it's an altogether rare instance where we're compelled to wait for the evening so that you wake up and see a timely Limerick and nuggets.

As we're penning this ERECTION PACKAGE intro... We're hoping this isn't some Recount Fest--although even that situation will benefit from this abnormal immediacy.

In any event... Don't get used to this kinda thing...

So, CNN was providing an alleged "service" by urging viewers to call or e-mail in with voting fraud-like issues.

People checked-in about receiving e-mails telling them that voting for Obama would take place on another day.

In our opinion, CNN is actually providing a DIS-service here. If you believe those e-mails, really, you shouldn't be deciding on our leaders...

So Obama won... What the hell else are WE supposed to add to the discussion that isn't already being said?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/5/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Popcorn As God Intended It

Who doesn't like popcorn?

Don't answer that--if you have an answer. I don't want to know.

But I want YOU to know, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, the best way for enjoying popcorn.

Now, some will immediately cry out, "Movie theater popcorn!"--but they're wrong. Oh, perhaps it's subjective, but TRY it my way before you stick to that decision. Then there's the hot air popper, which makes a popcorn similar to the movie theater variety, but not as good. And a bit of a pain-in-the-ass to make, too, so that's a lousy option.

You should probably know, or be able to guess, that microwave popcorn isn't the greatest. Quick and convenient, sure... But honestly, my way isn't too much trouble, either, really--and the Fuss-to-Delight ratio is WAY better.

Make it the old-fashioned way--in a pot.

Buy a bag, jar, what-have-you of popcorn. Just popcorn, the unpopped kernels corn for poppin', whatever you call it. From there, all it takes is three tablespoons of oil in a pot, a half-cup of kernels and, within 50-minutes, you'll have a pot of delicious popcorn. (See the directions on the actual popcorn, though.)

Maybe it takes a bit longer and is ever-so-slightly more of a pain-in-the-ass than microwave popcorn--but you can melt some butter while it's popping (full stick for the above recipe, I recommend, or a half-stick if you're dieting or whatever) and, since all you really have to do is shake the pot now and then, you can read or watch/listen to TV... It's not like makin' a frittata or whatever. (Although that's probably a crap metaphor, as I've never made a frittata, just guessing that it'd be an ordeal.)

The result? Moist (oily--but you can use healthy oil) and delicious. Not dried-out, like movie theater popcorn. And not all unnatural tasting, like microwave popcorn.

Popcorn As God Intended It.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2008:

Feds said, banking system needs mending--

"Don't worry, bailout is right spending"--

though it's BANKS' damn fault!

Now, old ways, won't halt--

banks took cash but won't restart lending!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 248 Days to Go...

News story lead-in, from a Chicago Tribune e-mail update (second ellipses added for editorial effect):

"'CHANGE HAS COME...' Barack Obama, a 47-year-old U.S. senator born of a Kenyan father and Kansan mother, becomes the first president...elected from Chicago."

Uh, yeah. That's the first thing we think of when pondering the historic event.

First...CHICAGO president.

Yeah...

So, the movie-making Farrelly Brothers are set to make a new Three Stooges movie.

Not a biography. A new Stooges script and all.

We really, really avoid saying this phrases but, maybe, just maybe in this case...there oughtta be a law...

Do you think the featured whack-a-doodles in question realize that their "reality" show, "Ghost Hunters," happens to appear on the SCI-FI channel, which is short for Science FICTION?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2008:

One more crime of fashion, obscene--

black lipstick now hits the hip scene!

No-Shwing fashion world--

ruled by gays and girls--

now says the hot look is...gangrene?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 247 Days to Go...

Word is that Obama's election to president only increases the likelihood of Daily Limerick's home, the Third World public transportation town known as Chicago, getting the 2016 Olympic bid.

Guess there's a downside to everything...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/7/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fire

Have you heard of this new-fangled "fire" sensation?

Hey, it's as old as civilization itself and will never go out of fashion--and there's no shortage of good reasons for that.

While a lot of wimps out there moan and harp about the onset of fall, to be followed by winter... I kinda like it. Hell, I love it. When it gets below zero and all, it's not pleasant, but I'm more of a cold-weather guy. Given a choice of 10 below or 100 degrees, I'll take the 10 below. (I can put on an extra shirt but if it's hot, you can only peel off so much.)

And it gives me an excuse to stoke the ol' fireplace.

I could go on and on about the wonder and relaxing quality of a fire in the fireplace. And I believe I already have in this space. It's the original television--sometimes more intelligent, sometimes less predictable, never accompanied by the slimy guilt of watching bad TV.

But I'd like to point out a recent realization I came to. Building a fire is like making love to a woman. See, you have to work a fire. You can't expect it to just tend itself--unless you're using those Pine Mountain/Duraflame kinda logs (sometimes unavoidable) or a gas fireplace or something (which is dweeby). You need to set it up just right (newspaper at the bottom, topped by small pieces of wood, topped successively by slightly larger pieces) and maintain it--feed it when necessary and but not too much, usually, so it doesn't rage away your wood too quickly.

Ahem.

We'll leave the fire/making love metaphor at that.

But highly recommend building fires. If you have a fireplace. And if you don't, we... Think about it, next time you move...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2008:

Their skills could be fine or just poor--

but stories, for strippers, ain't lure.

And yet if one's found

trav'ling town-to-town

you could call her a "rack-on-tour"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 246 Days to Go...

You may need to sound-out today's Limerick, if you're having trouble "getting" it...knuckleheads...

Now, unless, you know, good things happen, once I exit the shower in the morning, I wear my underwear until the next day's shower. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

I might sleep in the altogether, and probably could, but having a roommate/renter, I figure it's "safer" to keep 'em on, in case Mother Nature sends me tearing off to the bathroom at some ungodly hour.

So the other day, when I discovered that my underwear had been on backwards, I knew that I'd spent about 24 hours in such a state.

Now, I don't believe anybody uses that male underwear opening to pee through--like me, I'm guessing most everybody just pulls down the underwear a little for that. But while the day in question seemed to proceed more or less normally, or at least without significant incident... It seems dangerous to go about your life with underwear on backwards.

Not sure HOW it could be dangerous. Perhaps I could end up, say, thinking with my ass...instead of with my penis?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2008:

Amusement parks always take pride

in new roller coasters oft plied.

Tip: Theme to bring 'round--

fright'ning ups and downs!--

tummy-churning Stock Market Ride!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 245 Days to Go...

Although he hasn't yet even taken office, there's already a "movement" underway to impeach President Obama.

The reason? He's allegedly a "Socialist."

Whew! I'm glad they played the Socialist Card. Otherwise, with all their sketchy reasoning and questionable facts, one might think that we HAVEN'T progressed as a civilization and that they want to impeach him simply because he's BLACK...

(Unfortunately Necessary) Annual Reminder:

It is NOT the Holiday Season. Thanksgiving isn't until Nov. 27.

So to help celebrate the historic election, go out and do something good for America yourself--such as kicking a retail manager in the nuts...and telling 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/9/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Circle of Writing

While I've been writing all of my life, it wasn't until my early 20s that I really made a go of it--researching into the business and process of selling stories, putting in serious time at it to hone the craft. Yeah, I was a drunk and I started off mismatched, attempting to be a sci-fi writer but... That's a topic for another Sunday Story Time.

I hobbled away for quite a few years before I made a sale--to the alt mag Gauntlet, a creative journalism piece. It was a measly $75 for a 5,000 word piece that entailed a lot of research and legwork--I actually traveled to another town to try and track down a stripper and... That's a topic for another Sunday Story Time.

Point is, I was happy to make less than half the minimum wage at the time for the piece.

Since that first sale... Well, see my bio in the Sloop Central section of the site, if you must.

Then, a year ago, I was anally raped up the ass by an organization I edited a newspaper for, briefly transitioned successfully to a full-time freelance arrangement and then...both "main gigs" I had collapsed at once.

Since that, as the economy's dove, I've watched some other, decent-paying regular magazine gigs dry up. ("We're seeing less advertising, assigning less freelance.") Seen publications altogether dying. Seen the field transition away from the traditional to "blogs" and "content" and such, paying even less than my first sale, when time and all is considered. (And before even being adjusted for inflation.)

The other day, I was thinking about a new gig I've taken on. Its writing for the "only for the Web" entertainment site of a major local newspaper. Reviewing comedy and plays. I figure I have to take the gig, if only for free theater and a possible future "in" with a major pub.

But they don't pay so well.

So I've struggled and struggled for years as a writer to find the American Dream of going from glad to accept a measly $75 for a first publication credit earned through a buttload of work to...glad to accept an extra measly $20 for major pub credit earned from a half-buttload of work...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/9/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: My new favorite album

 

My new favorite album

takes candles and coins,

and spits out chocolates.

 

It turns timepieces to dust

and brings dogs back to life

before they are dust again.

 

It's already read the novels

I haven't gotten around to,

and makes them inconsequential --

it whispers the plots and themes

without giving anything away.

 

It knows when to become private,

and when to sing and bang at the world.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2008:

My Yearly Reminder has reason

thanks to rampant cultural treason--

dec'rate, deserve shivving!

It ain't yet Thanksgiving

asswipes, so's not Holiday Season!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 244 Days to Go...

Okay here's a "Say the Celebrity Name Test" to determine whether someone is a flaming homosexual:

Reese Witherspoon...

Hey--comedy's often ugly. Although it helps, too, if it's funny, we suppose...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2008:

So glad we've progressed since way back--

'cause "impeach Obama" attacks

focus on the gist

that he's "socialist"...

Whew! Thought briefly it's 'cause he's BLACK!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 243 Days to Go...

There's actually now a semi-serious "Palin for President 2012" movement afoot.

As "reality" TV has proven, never underestimate the opportunity that arises from making a complete and utter ass of one's self on the national stage...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2008:

So Farrelly Brothers will be'a

making new "Three Stooges." Oh, gee'a--

one more cherished classic

destroyed, made ass-tastic...

Can't Hollywood craft new ideas?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 242 Days to Go...

You may recall that recently DL/S&Y reported (or re-reported from a more traditional news source) that insurance titan AIG, after being bailed-out of bankruptcy by the Feds, threw a $440K bash to reward salespeople and executives.

Now, in keeping with the Modern American Way of rewarding bad financial behavior, especially when it's coupled with unearned economic privilege, the Feds are renegotiating AIG's personal bailout package and will likely increase their welfare payment from $123 billion to $150 billion.

But wait--it gets...er, "better." Headline:

"Despite Promises of Transparency, Federal Reserve Doles Out Secret Emergency Funds"

Now, our gut reaction is to wax all doom and gloom but...looking on the bright side...try to look on the bright side... Ahem:

Having had pets for many years, we've TRIED cat food, and it's not altogether horrible...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/12/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bacon Theory

Saw a story about battered, deep-fried bacon on the menu at a local restaurant. Which means that, like bacon-infused chocolate bars, it can probably be found near you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, as well. And providing sorely needed testimony that, yes, the human race is evolving positively and, yes, there is hope for Humanity.

All this got me to thinking about my Bacon Theory, which is really part of a larger Cosmos Theory.

See, bacon is perhaps the most delicious meat on earth. Hell, perhaps the most delicious substance on earth--maybe even in the universe. But while it is obviously a Special Gift from God for All Mankind, there are certain religions (Judaism and Islam come to mind) that specifically FORBID the eating of pork products, including...bacon (shudder).

Setting aside the can of worms that is religions refusing to evolve, and the idea that centuries ago, when these religions were put together, refrigeration didn't exist, thus forming a good reason for a bacon prohibition THEN but not now, well... I've often maintained, in DL and otherwise, that God has a sense of humor.

This, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, is evidence of a Godly game of "Simon Says." Nothing against the Jews or Muslims--He/She/They throw out all sorts of goofball rules to every religion... But He/She/They also HOPE that humans can separate the phony rules from the REAL rules.

Don't kill thy neighbor? The Golden Rule? All fine rules that withstand the scrutiny of common sense. But all the sexual repression? A vigilance against "man lying with another man"--with all the love lacking in the world and all the other problems?

It's time for ultra-religious chowderheads to finally "get" God's jokes--at first it was FUNNY to the Big Cheeze(s) that you're so literal and dumb-ass, but it's starting to annoy Him/Her/Them.

So enjoy God's Gift of Bacon... But at least in missing the Bacon Joke, unlike some of the other ones you've missed, you're only hurting yourself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2008:

AIG spent bailout it had

on bash--so Feds upped it. The 'nads!

Most trillions spent (welfare)

ain't public--who? What share?

On bright side... Cat food's not TOO bad!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 241 Days to Go...

So, Starbucks profits fell 97 percent in its fourth quarter.

Real shock that, in this economy, people would forgo paying froofy liquor drink prices for froofy liquor drinks without liquor--from beans that are burnt to begin with...

By the way, we don't want to rain on the Obama Happiness Parade--although given...well, things, the ridiculous optimism is dangerously close to setting him up for a fall--but those outside of Chicago may not be as familiar with some members of his Transition Team and... Well, one member is Valerie Jarrett.

Jarrett is a former executive with the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA)--Chicago's public trans system. Which, for those who've never taken it... Well, perhaps it's best that you haven't--better to take something quicker like, say, a rickshaw.

Anybody who has ever been a CTA executive is not fit to manage an Arby's, frankly.

Actually, that's a bit misleading. Sorry. Truth be told, any current or former CTA execs aren't fit to manage the FRY COOKER themselves...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2008:

A question... Don't mean to cause friction...

"Ghost Hunters" folk? Please mind your diction!

Think you're now legit?

'Mong "real'ty" twits?

Hey, "Fi" in "Sci Fi" stands for "FICTION"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 240 Days to Go...

Many moons ago, when I was editor-in-chief of my college newspaper, I experimented with the traditional formula. One way I did so was to add snarky comments following letters to the editor--even going so far as to soup the page up with a font that looked like the letters had been shot by bullets, calling the spread, "Shoots and Letters."

(Chief Limericist obviously checked-in here, genius.)

This was frowned upon by the journalism department at large. And the frowning continued when I left college for the so-called "real world."

While my career path has brought me to some interested places (enviable to some), it's mostly been freelance, odd jobs, contract stuff, etc. I've had a rough time of it, finding "legitimate" jobs. The Chicago Tribune, for instance, hired me briefly, in a freelance capacity, to write "News Limericks" for its wannabe "edgy" RedEye edition...but once the freelancer pipeline dried up, wanted nothing to do with me in a more "traditional" position.

Now, of course, traditional newspapers are floundering. They're trying more "out there" ideas as a way of saving themselves but, more often than not, come across as silly--freakin' Twittering about "American Idol" and such, ignoring the fact that 'tween blogs and such do a better job with such pap and that they're turning off those who might still crave the fruits of a newspaper's essential function--bringing the world actual NEWS.

So it's with a strange mixture of shock, flattery and good ol' fashioned pissed-off-edness that I find the Chicago Sun-Times now answering readers' letters in its pages with snarky comments.

I've received no offers via e-mail or phone.

There's a modern, twisted Aesop's Fable in here somewhere, you know?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/14/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Well, Well, Well...

Takin' off this week. I'd bs ya' about illness or misfortune or what-have-you but... Just have more important crap to do.

We'll return next week. Blah blah blah...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2008:

A town-to-town, big circus follower--

whom some said, in past age was wallower--

had never forgot

date years back, quite hot

with its rather comely sword swallower.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 239 Days to Go...

Do Chinese couples whisper sweet & sour nothings in each others' ears?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2008:

Rather than turn chapter's last page,

"Palin Twenty-Twelve" some now rage.

Our "real" TV state

proves can't under-rate

making ass of self on World Stage!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 238 Days to Go...

I've had some interesting observations over the last few years about Gatorade.

Personally, haven't indulged in the stuff since I was a youth involved in sports and stuff. And that was mostly little league baseball, really, as opposed to high school football/wrestling and stuff, and its use was mostly to APPEAR to be a serious athlete, as I sucked donkey nuts at the game.

(Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

Oh, I've had it occasionally--if it was among a less than stellar choice of beverages offered, for instance. But I've mostly figured: I'm no serious athlete. I have about as much need for Gatorade as I do for menstrual cramp medication.

Enter my derelict roommate, as profiled in a 13-part Sunday Story Time a couple of years back. (See the Archives, munch-pumps.) To be brief... Well, he came from a halfway house--wasn't the sharpest at background checks in renting out my spare room, but gave him a chance anyway--and spent all his time taking heavy prescription meds rather than the schizo stuff he should've been taking.

Well, he was a big Gatorade drinker. To supplement his active lifestyle of lying around on his back all day, blitzed out of his mind.

Then... Well, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I try not to force the Daily Limerick Spotlight onto regular joes and joe-ettes in my life (like any good media outlet) so... Let's just say I know a guy who's constantly drunk. Oh, he stumbles his way to classes for a trade school, of sorts, and otherwise spends his time shit-faced in his bedroom.

This cat, likewise, is a big Gatorade drinker.

Now, at first this seems to be simply ridiculous. Oddball coincidence of knuckleheads either kidding themselves into thinking they live "active" lifestyles or...well, perhaps just enjoying the taste or something.

But then it occurred to me... Drug abuse can mess up your hydration--and deprive you of electrolytes or whatever Gatorade allegedly provides.

So, really, Gatorade folks:

I see the need for a whole new demographic marketing campaign:

"You've got a full day ahead of you, lying on your back in a stupor. And, sure, there's not much you can do about the liver damage or brain cell loss, but there's no excuse for spending another liquored up or pill-addled day without proper hydration"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/16/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Like This...

...Taking the day off. What, you don't think a, um, legitimate, er, news organization like this offers benefits to its, ahem, employees?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/16/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Ice man

 

A man made of ice stands outside my door.

His eyes are dripping with what are either

tears or runoff. If I try to push my way out

he will fall backwards, shatter down the stairs.

Then no one will know icicles from his bones.

 

So I'll stay in here.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2008:

Seems world needs its Obama fix!

(Utopia? Really? No tricks?)

Well here's one down slide--

bein' from Chi South Side

could help bring Chi-Town Olympics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 237 Days to Go...

Thanks, NFL, for making sure that the vast majority of our home team's games are scheduled for noon on freakin' Sunday. Because, of course, who the fuck stays out later on Saturday nights or anything, right? And why would a sports league possibly want to make allotments for, oh, young adults so that they continue to patronize the NFL their whole lives?

And who in their right mind would prefer to see their team's games in the evening--you know, when most people prefer to kick back and relax?

Oh, and, by the way? You're not necessarily "hooking us" into watching the Sunday Night Football game--or even the 3-3:30 p.m. games we don't give a shit about...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2008:

With the economic condition

of COURSE Starbucks suffers attrition!

Most biz? Lose some, win some.

But "dis'pos'ble income"? --

'Bucks purchase is THE definition!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 236 Days to Go...

Have you seen the ads for these "Amish fireplaces" you can roll room-to-room?

Okay, setting aside the questions of how the Amish craft electrical devices and have a Web site to shill these things (Amish loopholes?)... We're providing a public service--"Truth-ifying" an ad slogan:

"...No Chimney, No Vents, No Wood and No Smoke"... But with Plenty o' Lame!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2008:

Yo--NFL! PLEASE change your tune!

Want R&R at night--'neath moon!

Don't care 'bout your lame

sole "Sunday Night" game--

want my team's game at night, NOT noon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 235 Days to Go...

Answering a commentary section headline:

"Where are the Blacks at Humanities Festival?"

Probably off doing something NON-snooze inducing--and kudos to them!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/19/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Mexican Style Hot Pockets

Like most, if not all new flavors from Hot Pockets, caution is in order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over-processed, weird-ass, convenience demanding fare--I've heard all of the jokes and snarky potshots. Have you even tried one? In any event, I beg to differ.

Sure, Hot Pockets are not a favorite meal. But they're more than adequate at the role they were created to fill--a rushed meal or a late-night snack when you're starvin' your nuts off, need something tangible yet don't want a full belly nor the kooky dreams it'd come with just before hittin' the hay.

I'll admit that danger may await an excursion into the World of Hot Pockets. There are certain flavors and incarnations too frightening even for an adventurous eater like myself. But you can put Daily Limerick info to even greater use in your life by looking for ME to be a guide, of sorts, to your tour of the World of Hot Pockets.

Today's journey? Mexican Style. (Duh!)

This is one of those excursions that could've went in any direction. Mediocre, Godawful or Deliciously Delightful--and all points in between. But I saw 'em at the grocery store and bravely decided to blaze that trail.

The result?... Marvelous! Spicy, legitimately Mexican-esque, beefy and filling... Hats off to Hot Pockets on this one! I'll even venture to say that they're very close to tacos made with pita bread (found at the occasional hamburger/hotdog stand--slightly less than ideal but a good taco stand-in nonetheless).

So... Yeah. Go forth and 'wave one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2008:

Bailout the auto industry?

To fail, as with banks, price-ily?

Just let Big Three die--

pumped prices sky high,

for too long raped us anally.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 234 Days to Go...

Our daily newspaper features an ad this full-page week from local Chevy dealers urging readers to support welfare for the expertly mismanaged auto industry.

So that they can blow more money on full-page ads and the invention of ever more colossally gas-guzzling behemoths?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2008:

Those "Amish fireplaces" have came

on scene--no smoke, mess, ash or flame.

But one thing they pack

a real fireplace lacks

is a heapin' helpin' of Lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 233 Days to Go...

So lottery tickets are now being advertised as a holiday gift option--and we shouldn't even be mentioning this yet, pre-Thanksgiving; don't forget to go up to a retail manager and/or advertising/marketing pro, kick 'em in the nuts and tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'--which has us wondering:

Why not just flush a couple buckets down the toilet in your gift recipient's honor? After all, it's the lack of thought that counts...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/21/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Zay N. Smith

I'm a newspaperman. Sure, contrary to my rough-and-tumble aura (ahem), I've mostly covered artsy stuff rather than chasing down city hall sleazeballs, but still.

While I didn't become a habitual, "serious" newspaper reader until pursuing a journalism degree in college, I've been a reader of columnists for most of my life. When I've moved away from Chicago, interned elsewhere or otherwise traveled, I've checked out the local newspapers, from New York and L.A. to all sorts of small towns. I read that later works of legends in my youth, including Bob Greene and Mike Royko, and followed a number of columnists who've come and gone.

My favorite column of all time is Quick Takes, by Zay N. Smith, in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Actually, my favorite column, at this point, WAS Quick Takes. Zay was downsized, or had his employment bought-out or whatever. In case you haven't noticed, the newspaper industry is dying a hideous, torturous, protracted death right now.

It's so bad that I'm about to stop renewing the subscription. I try to support the industry I'm allegedly a part of--despite the fact that they're not employing me in any tangible way--and I prefer to read a physical paper but... Well, at some point I'm gonna have to start getting my MAIN news, as opposed to just the supplemental, from the Internet.

Funny that, in saving money, newspapers are giving us less reason to read the paper and... Losing subscriptions and thus more money. Leading to...a toilet spiral.

Years back, Smith and another Chicago journalism guru, Pam Zeckman, were behind what's described as the biggest investigative journalism accomplishment in Chicago history. They opened a bar called "Mirage" and then just let Chicago happen. Needing permits for this or that, or inspections for that or this, bribery and other crimes went down with city officials left and right.

The Mirage investigation was celebrated and Smith and Zeckman could virtually pick their career rewards. Zeckman went into investigation for TV news. Smith started writing a daily column, Quick Takes.

Quick Takes was so named because it was composed of a bunch of mini-columns. (Seems to have influenced some modern humor columnists, such as... Hmm, nobody comes immediately to mind...) It focused on wacky news, political correctness gone amok, putting politicians from all sides of the spectrum in their places... Consistent in that an edition ALWAYS elicited a chuckle.

While Quick Takes could indeed qualify as a "silly" column, it also made some pithy, original and ingenious point along the way. And it featured Daily Limerick in a couple nuggets, after putting me to a test of including Nantucket in a non-dirty Limerick, and was/is a DL reader.

Interesting side note: I pulled a rare blow-off of a college class that happened to be the day when our guest speaker was Zay N. Smith. Pffft.

I could go on describing Quick Takes, but the best thing to do is go a'Googlin' or whatever. I ideally would have featured Smith while his column was still running but... Well, what can I do now?

If you are still reading, Zay... Thanks for the daily dose of delight that was QT.

I don't know where Zay will end up. Maybe in another town? Maybe exclusively on the Web? For now, here's all I've got:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Zay-N-Smith/17917803433

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2008:

Man dated a stripper, was bowled-

o'er by her hot bod and extolled

her for private dance.

He removed his pants--

got dances on TWO kinds of "pole"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 232 Days to Go...

So Scarlett Johansson, having recently married some undeserving not-our-Chief-Limericist schmuck, claims that she'd rather get to the business of having children "sooner, rather than later."

That should go without saying in Hollywood marriages, assuming the inevitable divorce just over the horizon would hamper the process...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2008:

So Scarlett Johansson says "sooner

than later" she'll pump kids from pooner.

Smart Hollywood course--

impending divorce

proceedings for babies ain't booner!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 231 Days to Go...

A survey released by the National Retail Federation finds that shoppers will be spending less on those thoughtless-(and-it's-the-thought-that-counts) gift cards this year, with the majority of shoppers now considering them "impersonal."

Wow. Could we...be finding the REAL meaning of the Christmas Season finally? (Remembering, of course, that it is NOT the Holiday Season until after Thanksgiving--and have you kicked a retail manager and/or advertising/marketing pro in the nuts yet and told 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'?)

Well, at least until the economy climbs out of the toilet and we again have a CHOICE in the matter...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/23/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "I Was Afraid of That..."

Today I'm going to talk with Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers about throwing out the "L Word."

And I'm not talking about "Lesbian"--you DO know that the TV show did that as a play on words with the best known reference of the L Word: Love. Right?

Tossing out the L Word is nothing to take lightly. I realize that getting laid can become a cat-and-mouse game and that, largely because of this guys, especially, sometimes use it as a get-laid-quicker lubricant but I, personally, view it with utmost seriousness.

That is, I don't recall ever using it as an outright lie. Although...to clarify:

Once I did throw it out, thinking it were a lie--as a friend of my chick in high school told me that if Love were involved, sex would follow--but I soon realized that I was, indeed, probably in Love. And there was one time where the reverse happened--I threw out the L Word in all honesty to realize a little later that what I felt was NOT indeed Love.

The whole thing's confusing. What's Love? What's just intense like? Love grows with time--setting aside the theory of "Love at first sight"--so it's not like one minute you're not in love and the next you are. It's more like, oh, you gradually fall--perhaps going from 70-80 percent in Love over an the second month (for example), to 80-90 percent in Love over another two weeks... Etc., etc.

As we mature, most of us become more cautious of Love, or at least the L Word. We feel that we're most likely in Love, but hold off, wanting to be double sure. And, of course, we fear the consequences of tossing out the L Word too early in a relationship.

In one instance of its occurrence in my life--and despite doing quite well with women, quality- and quantity-wise, if in spurts, it appears likely I'll never need more than one digit to count its appearances--I doubted a girlfriend's tossing out the L Word because it seemed too early.

(In retrospect, I think she whole-heartedly meant it at the time and that I whole-heartedly returned it--I was wrestling with the "am I in Love or just being a sap?" question myself when she leveled it.)

There being no real rules for this sort of thing--or if there ARE, they vary greatly, from person to person, relationship to relationship, etc.--we probably mess up, misinterpret and even destroy real love with our over-analysis, fears and anxieties. It's hard for the emotion-dependent true Love (whatever it really is--the fuzzy definition further complicating things) to flourish in a world where logic and, increasingly, cynicism reign.

But it survives. It may be perverted, ignored and abused, but it still survives in a pure form.

Luckily, I've never encountered the disaster we all fear when first tossing out the L Word--not getting it thrown back at you via "I Love you, too" and instead getting something on the order of, "Thanks" or "We HAVE to talk" or perhaps the "pretend I didn't hear it" silent treatment.

Perhaps that's because I've usually (but not always) been extra cautious about it. Perhaps the women I dated who WOULD'VE set my L Word in flames noticed my increasingly starry eyed looks or whatever and ended things before having to deal with the awkwardness of an unshared L Word.

This isn't to say I haven't had my own L Word problems. I'm divorced and haven't yet remarried, for instance. (Although there are valid arguments behind the idea that Love need not be "'til death do us part" in order to be successful; however, I'd argue that's the only way it can be 100 percent successful.) There is a phrase I've heard in answer to my first tossing out the L Word that's a bit troubling, and I've heard it twice:

"I was afraid of that."

Case Number One: At the age of 21, while dating a 39-year-old who was going through a divorce, already had two daughters and was thus not looking for a family or even another marriage (although I was looking for that, eventually, despite being woefully unready for such a thing at the time).

Case Number Two: At the age of 25, while dating a 26-year-old living with a "misery makes me happy" attitude and thus determined to remain a lifelong single. (I've completely lost touch with her, but had a friend who used to hang with a friend-of-a-friend of hers up until a few years ago and, on last report, she was indeed never married. And still constantly dwelling with a gothy "woe is me" sheen.)

In each case, I DID receive the "...but I Love you, too." And I've no doubt that they were both genuine. In the first case, I knew the affair was fated but rode it out anyway. Being a drunken mess during that period, putting things off to avoid short-term pain while ratcheting up an inevitable future pain was my modus operandi.

In the second case, I thought I could change her mind on the eventual marriage question. After all, Love conquers all, right? Wrong--I failed...although, being a pathetic romantic at my core, I'd argue that it may have been love, even perhaps Love, but not TRUE Love.

So while I advise Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to exercise caution in leveling the L Word, and wish that each time you use it will bring a return L Word... Try to see some level of positive in an unrequited L Word.

Trust me: All things considered, in the long run, that's far better than remaining trapped with an "I was afraid of that"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/23/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: My surgeon is dying

 

The news came in an unspectacular way:

a letter in an envelope, on pale paper.

It said a spectacular man has fallen ill,

hitting a slow yet sudden decline.

 

"He is surrounded by family and is

in good spirits, but it is unlikely

he will continue his practice."

That's an interesting thought,

 

"continue" as though a choice

could be made. As though water

can be kept from finding a way in.

To know the unalterable second

 

a love is loved enough, or

loved too much. No, I don't see a choice.

But it is strange, this bond with a man

I barely knew. He knew me well enough

 

to sign his name in my opened body,

using the latest techniques.

The complex procedure, his signature,

took nine hours to craft.

 

My ribs spread, my heart shivering

in the air, witnesses to scientific magic.

It wasn't a promise he gave me. Or an oath.

It was a chance. Once we should all have.

 

One that cannot be repaid.

And I cannot understand how someone like that

is unable to master death, just put it aside.

Our time is weighted with this new knowledge.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/23/2008:

> Wow, I'm seeing a peek into the future! I already have

> enough trouble telling what day it is, thanks.

And so another one of you mealy-mouthed, Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards checks in, whining about the fact that I posted the Saturday edition in the late afternoon on Friday. (Because, it turns out, I occasionally have a life getting in the way of the typical grind--although I still post at midnight 90+ percent of the time and every edition is still available, in the Archives.)

But if you're relying on Daily Limerick--in this case, the e-mail edition--to remind you what day it is... While I suppose there's a power-trip angle to explore, it doesn't eclipse the implications of sheer, utter terror...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2008:

Full-page ad in paper I see:

“Support Bailout for the Big Three!”

So you’ll have Big Dough--

on PR to blow?

I say, “Fuck auto industry!”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 230 Days to Go...

Isn't it time we just got rid of "800" numbers?

With most people switching to cell phones, negating the "toll free" benefit, and most landlines having Caller ID anyway, meaning nobody's gonna answer an 800 call anyway, unless they're a dumb-ass... Oh. That's right. Dumb-asses are in the majority these days.

Never mind...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2008:

Commercials tout Chase Bank’s reminders

when your account’s low--in a bind-er.

Seeks those who, to hook,

don't balance checkbook--

and plow through life wearing “duh!” blinders.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 229 Days to Go...

Financial analyst Michael Holland, chairman of Holland & Co., on the “need” for the government to now bailout mega-merged Citigroup:

“Citi is in the category of ‘too big to fail.’”

So, let’s get this straight… Over the past few decades, we’ve pooh-poohed the wisdom of anti-trust laws--seeking a more hands-off government--and moved toward deregulation so that entities like Citigroup can stifle competition and screw the idea of consumer choice into the ground.

All for the long-term goal of eventually requiring the Grand Daddy of All Corporate Welfare--screwing taxpayers with a bonus round, this time anally and unlubricated--so that Citigroup can survive and continue in this environment…to stifle competition to any even greater degree.

Hmm…

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/25/2008:

Regarding our pissed-off-edness over 800 phone numbers--we argued that they’re irrelevant, with everyone using cell phones, and dangerous to answer via Caller ID:

> Hiya Sloop
>  
> I hope all is well with you.
>  
> There are a whole other side to 800 number that you are

> either not using or not taking into consideration.
>  
> 800s also are used by us when we are calling out.
>
> At the moment I do not have a land line that allows me to

> call long distance nationwide free though Verizon does have > this package and I will be getting it soon.
>  
> My cell phone is free only after 9 PM and on weekends.
>
> I use the 800 number, whenever possible, whenever

> given, about 2 -4 times a wee. Right now…

Hold it RIGHT there.

There’s more. Much, much more, in fact. And this Slapper Yapper Grasshopper makes some very good points.

But rather than ponder these very good points… Well, there’s nothing like an amusing typo to give us an “in” for digression:

You make 2-4 calls every time you take a “wee”? And we thought the Chief Limericist here drank too many liquids…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2008:

Obama’s feat’s a real-life dream

but looking at his finance team…

Its folks, truth be told,

are “same old, same old”--

get used to bein’ corp’rately reamed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 228 Days to Go...

With the recent drop in the price of gas--you know, the finite substance for which we’ve reached a point where demand will always exceed supply, thus necessitating, overall, a consistent rise in price from here until the end of time--SUV sales are making a comeback.

As they say, “Those who ignore the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them.”

We say… Hell, we’re all inarguably, hopelessly doomed…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/26/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Get Ready for Thanksgiving!

Tomorrow, of course, is Thanksgiving.

Meaning... Why bother telling you how to "Eat It"? It's almost freakin' scripted, really.

And to our non-American readers not in the know... We trust you can find some info on it.

Perhaps you've been putting it off, but... In case you haven't heard, you can go back to emulating America again...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/26/2008:

Regarding our response yesterday, to a response to a nugget about the questionable relevancy of 800 numbers, making our response to this a response to a response to a response (to, arguably, a response to the world around us):

> Ha! Ha! Ya got me! Cheers, Fast Eddy.

Speaking of “relevancy,” not sure there’s much purpose to running this letter, other than the fact that we always wish we’d see more letters…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2008:

Upon this year’s feast of Thanksgiving

think not of the gifts we’ll soon divvy.

You could be--who knows?--

laid-off, home foreclosed…

Just be glad as hell you’re still LIVING.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 227 Days to Go...

We probably shouldn’t say this, according to Basic Marketing 101, but… Why the hell are you reading THIS On Thanksgiving?…

Unless, of course, you’re not American, in which case… Why the hell are we WRITING this for Thanksgiving?…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2008:

Black Friday--King Marketing Scam!

Count me out--I y’am what I y’am!

Fight those crowds en masse?

A more pleasant task’d

be getting a prostate exam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 226 Days to Go...

So the new “Guns N‘ Roses” album (the only original member being non-songwriter, Ethel Merman sound-alike Axl Rose) is being denounced in the government-run Chinese press…probably just because it’s titled, “Chinese Democracy.”

Good for…Axl. At least SOMEBODY cares…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/28/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Christmastime is Here!

That’s right. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, so you can feel free to decorate, sing/play the songs, make wish lists, etc.

But… Just for good measure… If you know a retail manager or advertising/marketing pro, kick ’em in the nuts one more time for blaspheming and attempting to kick the Season in early and tell ’em Daily Limerick sent ya’ (to teach ’em a lesson for NEXT year and get it out of your system--you know, before launching into that “goodwill to men” thing)…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2008:

A man let girl feel his…“Yule log”

(she was in a Christmas bash fog)

in room that was dark--

“can’t see ’til it’s sparked

and, oops! On your face spilled…’eggnog.’”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 225 Days to Go...

Psychiatrists have noted a startling increase as of late in incidences of a new mental disorder, “Truman Syndrome.”

Named after the movie, “The Truman Show,” victims are convinced that their lives are being broadcast on a “reality” TV show.

Thus, it’s only slightly worse than the mental problems inherent in folks who really ARE on “reality” TV shows…

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!…

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2008:

Feds “Citigroup’s too big to fail.”

Shunned anti-trust laws and did bail

them out for more dishin’

stifled competition

when bosses should really see jail!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 224 Days to Go...

Okay, we’re a bit less than up-to-the-minute timely on this but… Headline from an editorial package on "Black Friday":

"Shopping Sensibly"

Wouldn't the first rule of shopping "sensibly" be to avoid the nonsensical insanity of Black Friday?...

I don’t imagine that every Slapper Yapper Grasshopper is a football fan. Nor that every Slapper Yapper Grasshopper would be a Chicago football fan in any event, living here or being from here.

So, some background:

Brian Urlacher is a star linebacker for the Chicago Bears. In fact, his jersey was, or is, one of the most, or perhaps the most, popular selling jerseys among National Football League merchandise.

Urlacher has an out-of-wedlock son and the courtroom friction between him and the mother is often the subject of local media stories.

Most recently, the mother is alleging that the young boy is confused because Urlacher and/or Urlacher’s girlfriend are dressing the boy up in frilly diapers and (gulp, of all gulps) painting his toenails.

We at Daily Limerick have been warning all along that, although our society once dwelt in rigid sexual roles that needed much leeway, we’ve gone TOO FAR in the other direction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah--men can be sensitive, women can be aggressive, but MEN should still be MEN and WOMEN should still be WOMEN. (We’re talking, by the way, about the majority heterosexuals here. Our prattling doesn’t take into account gays and lesbians--they can get their own whacked-out Web site to harp on these things if they’d like. We write what we know.)

(Oh, and in case you craving another parenthetical, we’re not immune to the Girlie Man-ification; we blame ourselves, too, for not fighting it. Take our Chief Limericist, for instance--hardly capable of fixing anything around the homestead and an artsy-fart, to boot.)

So… Men dying their hair rather than graying gracefully? Going to freakin’ spas? Wearing sandals? And, the Girlie Man Behavior to End All Girlie Man Behavior--painting their nails (regardless of freakin’ color, dudes--either live by the balls or chop ‘em off).

Oh, almost forgot: Brian Urlacher’s game has been fair-to-middling at best for the last two seasons.

We don’t doubt that this increasing Girlie Man-ification is somehow behind the current financially doomsday, one way or another…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/30/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: When I was Burl

Since we’re not officially into the Christmas Season, and Burl Ives’ music plays a big part in much of the festivities, I thought I’d write today about the time period where I was known as “Burl.”

It was my first attempt at college, 1986, Champaign-Urbana, Illinois (now curiously referred to as Urbana-Champaign)--a failed attempt, due to partying and all but… Well, stories of that, specifically, are all over the Archives.

It all started when the college newspaper, The Daily Illini, carried an ad for an upcoming Burl Ives concert. It was a special Burl Ives concert, to boot--a homecoming, of sorts, as Burl was from the area.

I announced to my ring of pals that, “We’ve GOTTA all go to see Burl, dudes!” Sure, it was largely a goof, but I also kinda dig Burl, having heard a lot of his non-Christmas stuff growing up (my dad was into folk).

So I ordered a ticket right away, assuming others would follow suit and… Days past. Weeks past. Nobody else bought a Burl Ives ticket.

From that point until I left the University of Illinois, everyone called me Burl. Few of my acquaintances even KNEW my real first name.

That initial college experience now comes across as both magical and depressing in my mind. Only once, a few years after that, was I greeted with someone calling me “Burl”--and it freaked me out. Almost sent me flashing back in time… That kinda thing.

The thing about having different nicknames in different periods is that when someone addresses you as such, you know EXACTLY when you first met that person.

It would freak the living, screeching crap out of me to be called “Burl” today.

Here’s the sad part of the story--a part I’m not entirely sure I’ve related to anyone who was in-the-know on the Burl Ives concert thing:

While my party-pooping friends set up a whole “Burl Shrine” in one of the dorm rooms, complete with a photo of Burl, candles, etc… I never made the concert. Just got really wasted, threw on an Iron Maiden headband and otherwise tricked myself out in a metal way and… Was evidently too wasted to attend.

But I left the dorms and stayed out to keep up the facade.

Not sure what the hell holiday message this story sends but, well, there ya’ have it…

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/30/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The tempting vortex

Sometimes it seems unbearable
not to let yourself join
the black vortex

carving its way across the road.
Its terrifying thunderous fury,
turning tail lights into tailspins.

An artery pumping from the sky,
throwing the ground around.
Oh to be so close to annihilation

yet thrillingly alive. So close
to the ugly center of whipped up power.
So close to the mystery.

But then, the winds fall back,
the sirens go quiet. And you realize, ah,
it was a distraction, this aimless destruction.

Downed lines are just crapped out communication.
And it's kept us from our real work
of building.

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

 

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