Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2008:

Caught “Maury,” day TV, on lark.

Baseball rain delay, station parked.

Shows’ survival? Solved!

’d’Been years--ain't evolved!

They’re the entertainment world’s sharks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 284 Days to Go...

“Cop: Robber Shot Victim, Stole Cigarette”

Wow. As nobody but a whacked-out Web site’s folks could’ve predicted, the price of smokes is so high that they’re spurring crime.

Purely coincidental that it’s the same type of do-gooder-intentions-gone-wrong backfire that’s occurred historically for every Prohibition-esque movement, though…

I don’t know if other cities are doing this, but the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA), Chicago’s public transportation bureaucratic mess, is now selling T-shirts and other CTA gear.

So, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers… If anybody wearing or possessing such gear is among your friends and/or cohorts, do NOT let them have ANYTHING to do with transportation-related plans--from scheduling, to giving directions to, God save us all, actually GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/1/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Snack Exchange

Like a lot of people, I go through snacking phases.

When I first tried Hot Pockets, for instance, my fridge was always stocked with them…for a few months, at which point I grew tired of them. Also went through a microwaveable breakfast sandwich thing…which, too, halted after a few months.

But the phase-snacking often leaves denizens in my fridge and freezer. I have about 12 sausage/biscuit mini-sandwiches in my freezer as I write. And I don’t feel AT ALL like eating them. Even when it’s late, I’m starving and in need of a quick bite.

Thus my idea for a Snack Exchange.

You sign up and you’re free to join the Exchange. Thus I could trade my mini-sandwiches with someone who’s sick of…say, microwaveable thick pretzels. (I went through a phase with those, too…but enough time has passed that I’m starting to crave them again. Such is the nature of phase-snacking.)

Of course, I wouldn’t allow any real estate or banking gurus NEAR the Snack Exchange…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2008:

Read news, once again, of a dude

killed for SMOKES--not for drugs or food.

Ain’t learned hist’ry’s lessons,

with Pro’bitions messin’--

hey, thanks again, Big Mother prudes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 283 Days to Go...

A New York judge has ruled that “ladies’ nights” at bars and such are not discriminatory against men.

So perhaps there IS hope for the human race.

But if you ever happen to run into the lawsuit’s filer on the streets, one attorney Roy Den Hollander… On behalf of all the heterosexual men on earth, kick him right in the nuts…

So all of the industries that we previously considered our “financial bedrock” are tanking (airlines, automobiles, etc.)…the banking/real estate situation has some crying, “Depression”…and the Cubs--not to mention that the Chicago White Sox are ALSO in the playoffs for the first time with the Cubs in 102 years--are actually looking like a World Series contender… Hmm.

Hmm, indeed…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2008:

I’m not one to wax doomsday dreary

but banking’s fall has stoked much fear-y

’bout end of the world

because it unfurls

as Cubs AND Sox vie for World Series!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 282 Days to Go...

It’s rare, but now and then you’ll see a story subhead--not even the actual headline, but, well, the subhead--that paints 1,000 words, as a picture is supposed to do according to philosophical sorts.

In this case, it’s under the headline “Wedding Planner” and…hell, maybe it paints a few pictures worth, regarding modern attitudes toward life, family, love, etc.:

“Don’t Get Blinded by Greed”

Yup. There’s actual reason that brides…er, brides and grooms apparently NEED to be told that…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/3/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Eleven Dollar Life

These guys are just a helluva lotta fun. They jump all over the place, banging into one another there’s so much energy, dance with drunks in the audience (even THOSE types of drunk, whom everybody else shuns), the have Deep Purple-y keyboards and their covers… They announce to the crowd, “We have a new cover”…and the crowd goes nuts.

They don’t just DO covers, they…they… Oh, their new one was “Baila Bamba” when I saw c’em and… Oh, just let ’em rock your nuts jingly:

http://www.elevendollarlife.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2008:

A fella just thought it’d be great

to, first, watch his girl masturbate,

then give her a mounting,

but mount were discounting--

he lost it while watching (too late)!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 281 Days to Go...

With the Chicago Cubs and, more importantly, the Chicago White Sox in the MLB playoffs…plus, MOST importantly, the Chicago Bears season underway…we’ve been watching a lot of sports lately.

And are now wondering…with all our once-“bedrock” industries going down the crapper, and the banking/real estate industries even FURTHER down the crapper… Would we be in a full-flung depression if (apparently) half the male population DIDN’T need those constantly (and, in opinion, offensively) advertised anti-erectile dysfunction drugs?…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!…

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2008:

Too long, bad loans swept ’neath the rug

into hole, finance system’s drug.

And sports on TV

shows economy

now runs purely on e.d. drugs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 280 Days to Go...

Corporate Rat Bastard Alert:

Yum!, the company the owns Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken (you won’t catch us saying “KFC”) and, most importantly, Long John Silver’s, has given in to the hissy-fit-throwing, healthier-than-thou, do-gooder Big Mother drones and decided to post nutritional information about each of its dishes.

Remember: Give ’em an inch and…soon they’ll be “proving” the existence of “secondhand cholesterol”…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/5/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Well…

This week, the dog ate Sunday Story Time…

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/5/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The view out the window

It started slowly, as rapid changes do.
First, the supports began to soften.
But they still held up the weight
of the whole structure -- so maybe
it was just a trick of the imagination.

Then it became a little harder
to discount the increasing tilt
as mere fantasy.
The view out the window was a little
too obvious, a little too obnoxious --

if the building kept torquing like this,
soon we'd be able to count
the grains of asphalt in the sidewalk,
the beads of sweat falling,
unanswered.

It's hard to remember exactly
when the first phone call came,
panicked, demanding answers and
a justification of a certain way of life.
Because soon there were many phone calls,

all of them ringing through the uncalmed quiet.
You barely put the phone down and it jumped to life
with another concerned voice, another quaver
edged with defeat and fear
for the future.

But we all forget, it's happened before,
it will happen again. Shoddy worksmanship
is the result of ill care, a lack of oversight,
and the rush to get things done. It's not evil,
it's just lazy

and we've had plenty of rough scrapes,
some close escapes. Writing this, I hear sirens
wailing down the street -- someone in need
is asking for help; the mechanisms are still
in place to offer it.

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2008:

Yum! brands posts big blow to our nation--

menu with nutrit. information!

You give ’em an inch;

Big Mother does pinch!

Next… Secondhand FAT “confirmation”?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 279 Days to Go...

If a writer comes up with an idea for an edition of his column, Web site, what have you, but he forgets it and doesn’t write it down--and thus there is no ear to hear it, or no eye to see it anyway--does it still make for a ridiculously amusing and insightful idea?…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2008:

A lame New York lawsuit--some putz

calls “ladies’ nights” sexist. The butt-

head had his case tossed.

On Guy Code--he's lost!

Ya’ see him? Kick him in the nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 278 Days to Go...

So, after being the subject of Tina Fey’s fun-making, GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin will be appearing on “Saturday Night Live” to make fun of Fey.

Hmm… Sketch comedy, the presidential election…potato, po-tah-to…

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that we’re pessimists--albeit “happy pessimists”--regarding the future of the human race.

Then we read something that tingles a sense of optimism, like this headline:

“Many Choosing to Leave Life in a Non-Traditional Way”

Meaning that people are looking at funerals and such differently, with environmentally-sound coffins and… Hmmm. Nothing about forgoing the Super Scam Fest that is the funeral industry.

Scratch that “optimism” jazz after all…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2008:

Since Tina Fey plays her as twit

Palin, on SNL, sees fit

to, in turn, play Fey.

It’s hard, modern day,

discerning what’s campaign, what’s skit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 277 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Okay… Now, I’m only one man. One human being. One entity on the planet suffering through these calamitous times. But… Will anyone--above, below, on earth--hear my plea?

If you’re paying any sort of attention to the world around you… Well, it’s just awful. And there’s almost NOBODY unaffected by it. Perhaps stronger methods are in order to put a stop to it, or legions of forces, but I can’t help but try, as a mere one individual harmed by it.

Perhaps I’m being selfish in my plea. Seeking to save myself the intense pain, the awful, gnawing horror of it all--but if forces see my plight as too trivial, think of the children. The future generations. Must they suffer as well?

So please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, put a stop to it…the damn commercials for anti-“e.d.” drugs…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/8/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Salisbury Steak Day News

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who are on the ball, if such beings exist, might assume that today is National Salisbury Steak Day, as the Daily Limerick-founded holiday falls on an early Wednesday in October and generally coincides with the first new episode of the fall season of TV’s “South Park.”

But, despite indeed being on the ball, they’d be wrong.

I have to emcee a show tonight. So National Salisbury Steak day will fall next Wednesday, Oct. 15.

Stock up on your frozen Salisbury steaks or, better yet, ingredients to make homemade Salisbury steaks. And don’t forget the noodles. (Green beans or peas and rolls optional yet highly encouraged.)

And prepare to BUTTER the damn noodles, of course, and… Do I have to tell you lump pumps everything?…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2008:

Obama’s lead? Real hard to spoil it!

McCain can do nothing to foil it!

’Cause ’Bama’s lead soars

each day, more and more,

as ’conomy spins down the toilet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 276 Days to Go...

So it appears, allegedly and all that, that after the Cubs’ preseason-ending loss to the Dodgers in Los Angeles, some Chicago baseball players busted a stadium water pipe in anger.

Sheesh. At least it might’ve influenced the outcome if they’d have all lay down on the field and held their breaths during the game…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2008:

’Spite progress, we’re still quite deranged.

Advanced, but it seems rather strange

some still vote on race--

feel Dem nom’s just case

of a black guy asking for “change”!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 275 Days to Go...

Less than a week after the government bailed-out AIG, executives threw a reward party for top sales folks and executives costing $440K.

AIG spokesman Nicholas Ashooh claims it was scheduled far in advance and is “standard in the industry.”

Isn’t the current “standard in the industry” the reason for the bailout to begin with?…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/10/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Mr. Russia

One time in high school, while stoned as all hell with a friend of mine who was also in rock bands and such hoping to score dames, we decided that the world needed a heavy metal band with TWO bass players.

We never actually did it. Mr. Russia did.

Oh, I don’t wanna call Mr. Russia “heavy metal,” I suppose, as the term can be loaded. Although they ARE heavy, if melodically so, and they pump copious effects through the bass(es). But they have two bass players and a drummer. No standard guitarists. And once you get used to their delightfully oddball sound…they change it. Or so it seems.

The last time I saw ’em, they added a chick on synth. And she happened to be wearing funky, opaque stockings--which turned me on at the same time I wondered WHY they turned me on. But that’s neither here nor there. This is:

http://www.myspace.com/mrrussia

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/10/2008:

> SUBJECT: “Chicago plans school for gay students”

>

> “The head of Chicago's school system has proposed the

> creation of a "gay-friendly" high school to counter

> the high bullying, depression and drop-out rates among

> homosexual pupils.”

>

> Is Chicago going the way of San Fancisco?

Not sure about that… But it seems that, in indulging the Retro for Segregation craze, “regular” schools will now have the go-ahead to bully away…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2008:

A fella, at friend’s birthday bash,

found his friend’s mom acting quite brash.

With him, she did flirt.

Admired his growth spurt--

and he left with a MILF mustache!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 274 Days to Go...

If a king insists upon all of his female subjects tea-bagging him…does that make his reign “Scrotalitarian”?…

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2008:

Seems AIG threw a soiree

at price tag of 440K

week past Fed bailout.

“Standard” their shills tout--

but that “standard” CAUSED this doomsday!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 273 Days to Go...

Barack Obama admits to still smoking cigarettes “occasionally.”

This is news that might send thousands of do-gooder, know-what’s-best-for-everyone, Big Mother stokin’, secondhand science-touting, push-others-around, Liberal Taliban into a trance of confusion and helplessness…

One silver lining on the dark cloud that is the economic downturn… Maybe all of the foreclosures will finally put a step to the slew of home decorating shows…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/12/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Ol‘ Tack on the Chair Trick

In my primrose days of youth, I engaged in my share of mischief, some of it stereotypical--like trying the Ol‘ Tack on the Chair Trick.

It was in…math class, I believe? Junior high. I’d always wanted to do the Tack Trick and, well, one day I did it.

I don’t recall all of the details, but I don’t believe I started it. I think I suggested it and, soon enough, tacks were flyin’. Or at least tacks were being set--on chairs throughout the classroom.

My primo target was this dopey kid named Bart. Even dopier than I--and not just dopey, but a bit of a know-it-all, to boot. Problem was, Bart wore thick corduroy pants that day and, while he noticed the tack when he sat down--and brought it to the attention of the teacher, which set in motion a series of questions that sent ME to the principal’s office--his armored pants bent the tack and thus it didn’t end up sticking his ass, as was the intention.

Adding injury to insult, in the ensuing Tack o’ Rama, I ended up sitting on one myself. Not wearing corduroy that day, it hurt like a bitch.

So, perhaps accidentally, this tale has a moral: Be patient with your Ol‘ Tack on the Chair Trick and wait another day, should your intended target show up in corduroy pants.

Take that, Aesop!…

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/12/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: They're aflame/he's aflame/we're aflame

The way he attacks his guitar
is the first thing I notice:
gently in anguish,
violent and tender.

He pounds the drums
like they're aflame,
all his drunken energy
building bricks of sound.

So human in the midst
of electricity and cords,
coiled around the chords
that pour into his words.

He's the type of dude
you'd be able to read
by the way he holds
a xylophone mallet.

Is he poised, hovering,
over the note he's about to strike?
Or is he beating the thing senseless
and kicking it away? Going for more.

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/12/2008:

Mr. Russia checking-in on their feature in Friday’s “Entertain Yourself” section:

> that's fantastic! thank you so much, I'm going to put it

> in a blog later tonight with a link.

I just hope it’s a SMOKEY link…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2008:

Foreclosures have us by short hairs

but there’s a bright side, to be fair.

That unceasing flow,

home dec’rating shows?

There’s hope they’ll now drop off the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 272 Days to Go...

A panel discussion listed in a smug and snobby Chicago weekly aims to “discuss the results of a new study by the Association for Women Journalists-Chicago on women in the newsroom.”

On the plus side, we’re moving closer and closer to equality, as to main topic these babes SHOULD be discussing is the same for men and/or gays and/or blacks and/or Latinos etc. in the newsroom, namely:

The fact that, at this rate, with the economy and downsizing and blogs… There will only BE a dozen people left in any “newsrooms” across the country within five years, each making $5 per article…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2008:

Word is that Obama still…smokes!

These days, that’s much worse than doin’ coke!

Norm’ly, the Health Hounds

would push him around…

but dogmas compete and they choke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 271 Days to Go...

Here at Daily Limerick, we make fun of EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, these matters being subjective, we dwell along the borders of “bad taste”--as in when, say, we poke fun at disorders.

This can be difficult when a disorder hits home for one of us in the Daily Limerick Towers. And while levity is a great way of dealing with an oft trying world… Well, it’s still tough.

Chief Limericist checking in, here. Having trouble, to be honest, with one such disorder that not affects my own father. As people grow older… Well, these things happen.

But I see no reason to alter our modus operandi. The onset of this disorder is new, so I’m laying off for now--but I will indeed continue to make fun of it in the near future, even as it tears at the fabric of my own family.

Humor is appropriate for even the most gruesome of ailments. And it is a dead serious disorder, that “plumber’s butt”…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2008:

It’s Salisbury Steak Day--ooh Baby!

Time to eat fall treat so long crave-y’d!

Fix ’em up with noodles

and, fore day says, “Toodles,”

get help whipping up some Love Gravy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 270 Days to Go...

Okay, let’s get this straight:

Subway is running a contest wherein you can “win” the chance to be in a commercial with one of the least worthy, and least exciting, “celebrities” in the history of celebrity--and he has no shortage whatsoever of competition”--Jared.

With a first “prize” like that, what do the runner-ups “win”…a kick square in the nuts?…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/15/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: From All of Us, to All of Yours…

…a very merry National Salisbury Steak Day.

God bless us, every one. (With the possible exception of Subway’s freakin’ Jared.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2008:

A Subway contest has, as prize,

commercial with Jared… They high?

King Dweeb of TV?

They’d have to pay me

to hang with that doofusy guy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 269 Days to Go...

So NFL cornerback Adam “Pacman Jones,” after getting in loads of gun/booze/stripper trouble with the Tennessee Titans, than engaging in a long process of good behavior and red tape, was finally given the go to play with the Dallas Cowboys and… Is now in trouble yet again for a boozey fight.

You know what they say: You give a man a fish, he eats for a night; you TEACH a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime…or just gets liquored-up and fights with his fellow fishermen sometimes, unfortunately…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2008:

Give man a fish, he eats for night.

Teach him to, whole life he eats right.

But must pick a bone--

likes of “Pacman” Jones

might still just pick more drunken fights!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 268 Days to Go...

Pickney, Mich. high school students forwarded around a naked pic of a 14-year-old classmate and now authorities are charging them with…child pornography?

Now, child pornography implies a dangerous sexual orientation. But is it wrong to be attracted to 14-year-olds…when you’re 14 yourself?

In other news, a bull is being charged with bestiality after humping a cow…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/17/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Overman

Can rock and roll and creative marketing mix without ending up all Ashley Simpson? Overman proves that they can.

The band rocks--and the link speaks for itself--but what most amazed me about these cats is that they crafted this one tune, “The Evolution Song,” about Darwin and giving a lesson and all that and… Well, they sent e-mails around the world and professorial types are playing that tune for their students--which rocks nuts, by the way; not always a given with an “educational” tune.

Oh, and they pull-off an amazing cover of Dylan’s “Tangled Up In Blue,” too.

Check it:

http://www.overman.info

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2008:

The last thing, when seein’ “Plumber’s Butt,”

one thinks of is bustin’ a nut.

How come we don’t see

the look worn proudly

on rump of some hot, honkin’ sluts?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 267 Days to Go...

As long as the presidential candidates and media are tripping over this Joe Plumber shmoe, shouldn’t the pressing issue be raised… What they’d do as president to combat and/or increase acceptance of “Plumber’s Butt”?…

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2008:

It’s time to carve pumpkins for ’Ween!

Make sure they look scary and mean!

But although their maws

look so soft, PLEASE pause--

think ’fore you do something obscene!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 266 Days to Go...

Headline deck:

“Terrorists Get Money From Opium, Don’t Deal With Banks”

Hmm. So considering that there wouldn’t BE an illegal market for drugs if the horrible failure of Prohibition II wasn’t unwinding, does that make the DEA a terrorist-funding organization?…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/19/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: National Salisbury Steak Day 2008

Ah, it seems like it were just yesterday…possibly because it was last Wednesday but… You’re a bunch of bastards.

Where were the National Salisbury Steak Day banners and yard displays? The lights in your parlor windows? The holiday greeting cards filling our mailboxes and e-mailboxes? The in-store displays? Where were you Slapper Yapper Grashopppers?

Well, for my part, while the turnout for my own festivities was a bit light, I not only whipped up the tastiest batch of homemade Salisbury steaks that I’ve ever cooked, but I enjoyed the company and actual festivities more than ever. Quality over quantity and all.

Guess I can’t rely on you mealy-mouthed, lizard-lickin’, nun-fuckin’, sphincter slappin’, no good, testicle-eyed, mouth-breathin’, droolin’, scrotum-tuggin’, could-go-on-and-on-with-goofy-slurs sacks of shit… Ahh, the memories!…

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/19/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: One thing

When he told me his sad story
I had to hold back my laughter.
It wasn't a cruel laugh, but a
grateful one, because things
could be so much sadder. Was he
aware of that?

But I think he was looking for
sympathy, not gentle humor.
So I kept my face as ironed out
as possible -- flat, warm.
When he saw my look he thought
I was holding back tears,
and immediately offered, "It's okay."

At that point I did laugh.
I excused myself from the room.
His look of concern curdled.
"What the hell is wrong
with you, Mike?" I waved him away,
trying to catch my breath.

I don't understand why he got
so angry. After all, what thing
is one thing alone?

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

*****

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2008:

While world banking system goes under

al-Qaida’s funds thrive--and no wonder!

Black market drug take!

Thus failed Drug War makes

the DEA terrorist funders!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 265 Days to Go...

Perhaps the most amusing slur name I’ve ever been called?

“Bozo Balls.”

Hey. We can’t bring you, um, “hard news” every day…

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/20/2008:

> What's with this early limerick?  Are you delivering

> the Sunday edition just like the newspapers now on

> saturday afternoon?

The Sunday edition was, indeed, sent Saturday. (Chiefy, here.) I occasionally happen into areas that border on “having a life” and thus prepare the next edition early so I can head off on, say, a Saturday and not worrying about having to post the edition that night.

(“Ooh, honey…just like that… But let me get my laptop and post the next Daily Limerick then come back and we’ll start back up.”)

Anyway… If you check the site Saturday to find Sunday’s, Saturday’s will be in the Archives.

But filing Sunday early as a rule might not be a bad idea. Just like the Big Boys. Well, the Rapidly Shrinking Big Boys, at this point…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2008:

For now, “Plumber Joe” is what’s what;

for that guy, both noms bust a nut

o’er his big concerns--

thus shouldn’t we learn

how each would address… Plumber’s Butt!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 264 Days to Go...

So, Fox is giving the go-ahead to an Obama for President commercial during the World Series.

A 30-minute commercial.

That’s right. No typo--30 MINUTES.

Now who the hell is gonna watch a commercial for ANYTHING that lasts half an hour?

Unless, of course, he’s also gonna shill a beef jerky maker or some other useless dreck…

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/21/2008:

Yesterday’s letter writer, after expressing alarm over the early upload/delivery of the Sunday edition (on Saturday rather than my “mostly usual” delivery right upon the day in question at midnight), and after receiving my reply that I do, if rarely, have a “life” get in the way of that schedule… Well, he’s still at it:

> You know this is exactly the type of media manipulation

> that I am railing against in the movie. If we can't trust

> the integrity of Daily Limerick, then clearly all is lost.

Hmm. So perhaps this is a stunt to get a mention of this “movie.”

Well, speaking of integrity, we’re not gonna allow you the plug! Nyaa, nyaa!

Except that… Well, I--Chief Limericist checking in, here--am in said movie.

“The Flabby Hoffman Movie.” Which may be a working title, or not the title at all, but see Flabby Hoffman in the Links for more info.

You see, there IS an “I” in integrity. Two of me, in fact… But we have yet ANOTHER letter today, from Overman, the band featured in last Friday’s “Entertain Yourself” section:

> Thanks for the plug Sloop, we'll return the favor!

> See you soon.

>

> BFF,

>

> Overman

Hmmm… Okay, you can return the plug but… At least a nice dinner is in order, first. And whatever you do, DON’T forget the lube… But, really, do you have to make it seem so ugly by using a “BF” in some form?…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2008:

As temps cry out “Autumn!” abrupt

and falling leaves, trees do corrupt,

some folks ain’t retreating

from spots’ outdoor seating…

It’s Fall Fun Time, guys--give it up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2008:

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Given the fact that currently… Well, are you paying any attention at all? Here’s a job ad:

“Start a Rewarding Career in Real Estate”

Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho, hee he… Oh, you’re killin’ us…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/22/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Results of the Monster Cereal Mix-Off

The Monster Cereals--Boo Berry, Count Chocula and Franken Berry--are tough to find, but around Halloween, you can generally find some grocer that’ll have ’em, even if you have to go outside your normal shopping channels.

I scored a box of each this year. I’d tell you where I got ’em, but they evidently stopped carrying them already. If you have a Strack & Van Til near ya’, you can give it a shot (or make a note for next year).

Having all three before me, I figured I’d mix ’em up in every possible combo and report back to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. (Sometimes, this is a very rough job.) I can report that the best two combos are Count Chocula and Franken Berry; and Boo Berry and Franken Berry.

“Eat It!” accepts no responsibility for results obtained via its advice. Readers at home please note that the Chief Limericist here is a professional idiot…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2008:

Obama hits his campaign stash--

a half-hour commercial! Big cash!

To run with World Series!

Those, of Hype, not weary

yet may be sold on the…backlash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 262 Days to Go...

Accidentally caught some of a show the other day called “Sunset Tan,” which follows the dangerous, exciting exploits of the workers at…er, a tanning salon.

Warning to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

If you’re ever sitting around with little to do, doing something like, oh, watching paint dry… WATCH OUT! You may be offered a “reality” TV show!…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2008:

“Reality”--long out of hand--

brings tan salon show, “Sunset Tan.”

Watch out, girls and guys,

while watching paint dry--

might find a show ’bout YOU is planned!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 261 Days to Go...

A mountain lion in the Grand Canyon was found to be carrying… The Plague.

As in the Black Death. You know, the disease that wiped out half (or more) of Europe in the Middle Ages?

And we were recently wondering aloud: How can the retro trends POSSIBLY get worse than ’80s styles?…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/24/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pick Noerr

That name is supposed to have any umlaut, or an omlaut, or whatever you call an “e” with two funny dots over it…but I didn’t feel like messing with that. Neither does their Web site.

Now… These cats have albums/ep’s called “American Bacon” and “Pussy Duster.” Their song titles are the likes of “Booty Call Hangover,” “Marry for Ass” and “Showtime Porn” (as in the titty-movie-without-the-tittie features on the cable channel).

Not sold yet? When I saw them, the shirtless singer had written “Hockey Mom” on his chest, the drummer wore a gorilla suit and the guitarist was bedecked as batman. I understand the costumes are ever-changing.

Okay, okay: Gimmicky, fun-to-watch, dirty band. Not super rare. But the songs are not only actually “funny” (not a given with these kinda acts, unfortunately)--but catch and memorable! The crowd sings along, old and new fans alike!

I even recall some of the lyrics, set to power ballad-y music:

“Just because I put it in her butt/ Don’t make me a fag, don’t make her a slut/ We’re just tryin’ to mix it up”… So:

http://www.myspace.com/picknoerr

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2008:

They say when fun’s tough to enhance:

“Most fun you can have--wearing pants!”

Wild boast many squeal--

but claim’s only real

perhaps for a great friction dance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 260 Days to Go...

Headline:

“Ogling of Sarah Palin Bugs Hubby”

Well, Todd, that’s the small price you pay for a hot wife. Either deal with it, dump her and marry an ugly one or move to a Muslim country…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!…

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2008:

Wife deemed a hot sexpot sensation

brings Todd Palin pissed consternation.

Want wife leers to cease?

Then marry a beast--

or move off to a Muslim nation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 259 Days to Go...

So far this year, Chicago is ahead of both New York and Los Angeles in the number of murders committed.

Evidently pulling out all stops for the ill-conceived 2016 Olympic bid…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/26/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: ‘Tricks or Treats’ For Any Age

I don’t know if anybody these days says “Tricks or Treats” instead of the more popular “Trick or Treat,” but…consider it a “Peanuts” tribute.

First of all, I’ve read a certain local columnist engaging in Halloween bashing lately. He’s a national figure, but I won’t name him as I already have ripped him quite a bit and, really, it’s kinda like bashing Paris Hilton at this point. Duh--of COURSE he’s lame!

Anyway, I hear this kinda garbage every year around this time. “It’s a KIDS holiday--what's wrong with all of these adults dressing up?” Well, pal, if you’ve ever nailed a hot “Devil Girl” in red fishnets or had your privates plundered by a pirate, you’d know why ’Ween is a one-of-a-kind delight. Idiot.

Seems to me that the majority of adults disagree with these wannabe hipsters who bash ’Ween. And I’m willing to take my adult appreciation even further by declaring that adults can, and should, engage in Tricks for Treats.

I engaged in Tricks for Treats in high school, in fact. Me and a few pals, stoned and beered outta our gourds, grabbed a few cheapo costumes from the local drugstore and went as… All I really remember was a “Glowworm” costume. Anyway, we went door-to-door and actually obtained CANDY, folks. Sure, most people had to comment on the situation (“Ain’t you a bit old for trick-or-treating?”), but they all gave us candy.

If you have the stones to do it, people will oblige, by and large. In fact--although I don’t recommend going “outside the season,” so to speak--my friend and I costumed-up and played Tricks for Treats in August one year and… Well, we were KIDS, too, so maybe the combo of wrong month and adult WOULD foil that but… Point is, we… Well, we received pennies. No candy, sure--but people are flexible on the ’Ween thing, that’s my point.

So… There ya’ go. Nail a chick in a hot bumblebee costume for me--and tell her Sloop sent ya’…

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/26/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Bread, soup and quiet moments

The doors are all opening and closing
to the beat, the universal thrum living
in wires and ceilings and quiet moments.
Every sweater is stained with tomato soup
and bread lines the streets.

There's so much of it. Just lying everywhere
in formed crumbs and crusts. Is this a secret
history of all the bread that has been eaten
throughout time, every king and peasant,
every slave and priest, every me and you

that went in for a taste?

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/26/2008:

Checking in regarding the band Eleven Dollar Life’s feature in Friday’s “Entertain Yourself” section:

> Hey, man.  We missed this e-mail the first time though;

> just saw it just now.  Thanks much for the good review.

>  

> -- Marc

These cats were featured Oct. 3. Meaning… Perhaps Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t aware of our seemingly failed bid to get her posing naked for Playboy back in 2006…yet… And another letter comes in:

> Thanks Sloop! This is tits :)

>

> ~Senor Noerr

This is from a dude with Pick Noerr, featured in this LAST Friday’s “Entertain Yourself” section, and thus a little more on the ball but… Tits?

Well, I suppose you could describe the writing as “bouncy,” meaning no silicon was employed in its penning…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2008:

O’er New York, L.A. Chi-Town’s ’mid,

in murder stats, blowin’ off lid!

More fuel to achieve

that lame, ill-conceived

2016 ’Lympic bid?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 258 Days to Go...

Deck headline:

“Show Staff Worries That Cloris Leachman is Making ‘Dancing With the Stars’ a Joke”

Blame Cloris all you want, but you should’ve started worrying about the show being a joke back when…well, during the initial pitch meeting…

Cliche Watch:

Attention pundits, hipsters, common folk and journalists (especially headline writers)--

“[BLANK] is the ‘New Black’,” and any variation on the phrase, is hopelessly, ridiculously, pathetically cliche.

Stop it. Stop it NOW…

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

With all these boner drugs advertised during sports on TV, it has me wondering… Okay, they all seem to say, “Call your doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours.”

Now, if I end up with Super Wood on that level, I have better calls to make to my doctor, who really isn’t all that hot to begin with… It’s not in its best shape, but I DO have my own version of a Little Black Book…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2008:

I don’t need e.d. drugs to cook

but, if those o’er shilled pills I took,

and gained “that” erection--

four-hour--my election?

Not doc call--but Little Black Book!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 257 Days to Go...

You may not look to DL/S&Y for fashion coverage and advice but… Well, having weather the storm, for the most part, of hideous black nail polish’s being “in”--the ol‘ “slammed my fingers in the door/dropped an anvil on my toes” and/or “I’ve been diggin’ for worms” sexiness--now the fashion industry is showing once again how that has no Shwing Factor, being controlled solely by homosexual men and women in their moneyed, Italian and/or New York towers, by pushing… Black lipstick.

So… We beg of you, lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (if you’re a guy wearing lipstick for whatever reason, we really don’t care)… NO!

Unless, of course, you’re trying to catch the eye of that special guy with a gangrene fetish or whatever…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2008:

Old News tries to lure readers back.

One tip? Don’t be hopelessly hack!

To start, stop TODAY,

one phrase past cliche:

nothing, no more, called “the new black”!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 256 Days to Go...

Speaking, as today’s Limerick does, of Old Media, love it and hate it as we do… Noticed a story tucked into the back of our “Nation/World” section the other day…about how we bombed into Syria.

Then again, in Old Media’s defense, for the Bush Administration, attacking a new Middle Eastern country’s as much “news” as is…oh, say another round of foreclosures about now?…

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/29/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Those Bastards at Wonka

I value my holiday traditions. Which is all the more reason that the folks at Wonka are bastards.

It’s a newer tradition for me, admittedly not passed down among generations or anything--buying a big, honkin’, Wonka candy variety bag in October for the Halloween season. But now? It’s over. Dead in its tracks. Murdered, really--brutally, senselessly murdered.

Did I mention that the folks at Wonka are bastards?

The Wonka Bag formerly contained Runts, Nerds and, as the main attraction for me, Bottle Caps. It also contained what I’d call “filler”--Sweet Tarts, which I’m not crazy about but can enjoy, and Laffy Taffy, which… Well, I’m not at all fond of Laffy Taffy, but I’d put up with it for the rest of the stuff, occasionally pop a piece, for the overall delight the Bag brought me.

The Wonka Bag was always a bit Laffy Taffy-heavy. And Wonka engaged in little experiments--they put in Nerd Gumballs for a year or two, but only two or three of them for an entire 100-piece (two-pound?) bag--so I should’ve been en guard but… Nonetheless, I picked up a bag every October, plugging away at starting a new tradition… Then this year, they pulled an inexcusable stunt.

No Bottle Caps.

That’s reason enough to stab the tradition to death right here and now… But what did they replace them with?

Sweet Tarts.

Oh, they added Sweet Tarts in rolls, ala Smarties, whereas the bag has contained the Sweet Tarts in the packets--thereby able to claim, on a technicality, that it’s a “different” candy offering but… Pffft.

Knowing Wonka’s propensity for experimentation, I should’ve read the bag before throwing it in my shopping cart. It’s too much, evidently, to ask for trust in a candy company.

Trying to find a silver lining on this Wonka-induced dark cloud… I suppose if I DO happen to attract Tricks for Treaters (unlikely in an urban condo complex), I have a pound and a half of Sweet Tarts and Laffy Taffy sitting around now…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2008:

Through far back “News” section was “told”

U.S. troops did bomb, rather bold,

our way into Syria.

With Bush Team’s theories a

Mid-East hit’s “same old, same old”!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 255 Days to Go...

Japan’s disaster prevention panel has found that, in the event of a Tokyo earthquake, seven million people would be unable to…find a toilet.

And, really, that’d be the most important task on everybody’s minds. If not to avoid peeing/pooping outdoors, to at least steer clear of the terror of being (gasp!) UNABLE TO POWDER YOUR NOSE!…

If any amusement park honchos are reading, we have an idea for your next stomach-turning roller coaster:

“The Stock Market”…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2008:

Tomorrow, tradition does say’s,

“All Saint’s Day”--post Halloween fray.

So lift skirts and dresses--

bang bees, vamps, princesses--

get in a good “All Sinner’s Day”!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 254 Days to Go...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

“On ABC, Sarah Palin Serves Notice She Won't Leave National Stage”

(Shudder.)

You mean, there’s no HOPE of her going away? Why, it’s… Oh. That’s right. Halloween. MUST be some fright prank or something…

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/31/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: It’s Halloween…

…if you can’t figure out how to Entertain Yourself, well, here’s a tip:

Costumed sexual role-playing works best with SOMEONE ELSE…

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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