Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2008

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2008:

It's Labor Day--after tonight

they say you're not s'pposed to wear white.

But, 'hind those closed doors,

soon after you score,

white splash complements her just right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 314 Days to Go...

News excerpt:

"Kansas City Chiefs team physician Dr. Joe Wackerle was taken from the sideline on a cart after he broke an ankle when two players crashed into him..." Wow!

Even the TEAM PHYSICIANS aren't safe in this game?

Why do we so eagerly await the return of football again?...

I think this marks a new low for civilization. In my experience anyway--and I don't watch a lot of TV, so perhaps the commercial has been running for a while... For a garage company in the Chicago area.

"The Holidays are closer than they appear!"

August 30--a mention of Christmas in a commercial.

Living in the Chicago area, we could probably track down everyone responsible for this... Naw. We're not the type. But... What jury would POSSIBLY convict?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2008:

McCain's V.P. pick courts parade-y

of disaffected Hil Pill ladies.

They only share tits--

Sar', Hil's politics

conflict--McCain's pick's dumb-ass crazy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 313 Days to Go...

So the Dallas Cowboys have been given the go-ahead to play Adam "Pacman" Jones. He's only been arrested seven times or so since joining the NFL.

Football fans, ponder the Cowboys' roster for a while and... Well, don't YOU, too, get the feeling they're trying to mount some "All Prison" team for some inexplicable reason?...

Let's examine a few facts:

The 2008 Republican National Convention is about to begin.

A powerful hurricane is heading toward New Orleans.

A powerful hurricane hit New Orleans in 2005, when Republican George W. Bush was president.

We all know how the above situation played out.

The current Republican Presidential candidate is rather Bush-y.

Anybody else think Mother Nature's checking in with an endorsement?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2008:

Of all of the things that can rub

voters the wrong way from the club

of pres. nominees

takes much to displease...

Like Obama dissing the Cubs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 312 Days to Go...

Is it so wrong to be hopelessly, irrecoverably turned-on by the concept, costumes and, in fact, EVERYTHING surrounding that undoubtedly lame movie, "The House Bunny"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/3/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: I Ate Meatloaf Without Ketchup

Title says it all, really. Although it WAS a frozen dinner meatloaf, if that makes a difference.

But it's possible; I proved it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2008:

McCain picked V.P. on the basis

of match in minority faces.

But that lost the race--

like right-to-vote paced

this country's more sexist than racist.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 311 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Phelps Wants To Be Like Mike"

Er... Little problem there, seein' as competitive swimming actually makes golf look like an exciting sport...

You know what world event we SHOULD be focusing on?

The Duh!lympics.

Except... Well, I have no idea how we'd actually winnow down the competitors and... Come to think of it, the event's actually unfolding RIGHT NOW...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2008:

Mike Phelps, of Olympics renown,

so his sport, to fave, he'll bring 'round--

that he'll be like Jordan

but... Mike? Swimming's BORING--

watching heads just bob up and down.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 310 Days to Go...

A pair of Queen Victoria's stockings has sold for $14,300.

It's rare, but every now and then, some depraved sicko comes along and makes us feel not-so-perverted...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/5/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jena Friedman

Jena Friedman's a chick who makes you laugh...while feeling a little dirty about it.

In the school of Sarah Silverman, etc., she jokes about retards and filthy sex and... That kinda thing.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm in a bit of a hurry as I'm filing this edition--but I feel I should've featured her looong ago... And those of you who regularly follow my review...er, stylings may in fact find it better when I keep it short.

So check her out:

http://www.myspace.com/jenafriedman

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2008:

After man spent night in the Zone

of thrusts, rubs, sucks, licks, moans and groans

off to work did dash--

dressed, washed in a flash--

but pussy scent was his "cologne"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 309 Days to Go...

There exists... Hannah Montana yogurt.

Perhaps it's different than other yogurts because... Hmm. No... Perhaps fathers of tweens enjoy scooping it into their mouths while thinking about... Ahem.

Guess there's no safe place to go with this one after all...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2008:

Nations, each other tryin' to best--

to land 'em, or in their sport tests--

over the Olympics.

Take heed, the "Duh!lympics"

are raging from Far East to West!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 308 Days to Go...

So, Ryan Seacrest is now a regular radio host on Clear Channel's Premiere Radio Networks!

And we were just thinkin' the other day: What mainstream radio really needs right now is to be even MORE lame...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/7/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

Is, er... Hmmm... Is off covering the Chicago Bears season opener.

Yeah... That's it... Oh, and we'll return next week!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/7/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Doors and windows and roofs and everything

 

Little houses --

on a walk to wherever --

with doors and windows

and roofs and everything.

 

The door to let people in

(or out), the windows

to see out (or in),

and roofs to hold back

too much sun or rain or wind.

 

Sometimes I forget

how amazing it can be:

right in the open,

but unremarked upon,

so small and strong,

so proud.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/7/2008:

So Jena Friedman checks in regarding her feature in Friday's "Entertain Yourself Section"... You know, the radical, Sarah Silverman-esque comic? Bet you can't wait to hear what kinda crazy, off-color, offensive comment she might have...:

> thanks, hope all is well with you!

Well... We were kinda hoping for something about, say, midget fisting, but we'll take what we can get...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2008:

Celeb/hist'ry auctions ain't shocking...

But, still, thousands for Queen Vic's stockings?

But purchase alerted

me--not so perverted

myself with my fetish-y cockings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 307 Days to Go...

You know how Charles M. Schulz ended up writing those "Happiness Is..." comics?

Enter a new feature-ish thing, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

"Unhappiness Is... Having a newspaper subscription but still having to alter your morning weekend schedule to leave the house and buy one...because some rat bastard stole yours off the porch”…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2008:

That movie now out, "The House Bunny,"

though surely awful and unfunny,

turns me on like light--

I know it ain't right--

I'd pull her ears and take some honey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 306 Days to Go...

Burglars victimized two Fresno, Calif. farmers, awakening them by... Well, from the AP:

"...[R]ubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage."

Well, we here in the Daily Limerick Towers are prepared--if a standoff results, who in the hell ELSE would be capable of talking these crooks into surrender?...

And while we're at it... Are they SURE that was an 8-inch "sausage"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2008:

"My Muslim faith..." Obama said;

whackjobs say, "see--like e-mails pled!"

But 'mid psycho rumors,

babble growth like tumor...

Of COURSE slip-ups dance through his head!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 305 Days to Go...

From a "Help Wanted" ad:

"Two Year Old Teacher Needed"

Sheesh. We know that employers are increasingly leaning toward younger employees, but this is ridiculous...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/10/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Breaking Food News Flash... 

We interrupt today's Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' to bring you breaking news (never mind that we "interrupt" this every Wednesday for this "special" section)...:

After years being unable to find the delicious Little Debbie variety, banana nut loaves... The taste sensation has NOW returned as banana nut MUFFINS!

The nation has never been more due a celebration since the end of WWII...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2008:

Ryan Seacrest is his name;

now Clear Channel gig is his game.

Big Radio's dyin'

but they keep on tryin'

by... Upping the quotient of "Lame"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 304 Days to Go...

Make that a "pit bull in GAUDY lipstick"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2008:

The metaphor was realistic--

Barack mentioned a "pig with lipstick."

"Offense" card is sailin'

o'er whacked Sarah Palin

though, really, she's a simple dipstick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 303 Days to Go...

Aldermanic meddlers in the Chicago City Council on Wednesday proposed TWO bans:

One on aluminum bats for kids, the other on texting while driving.

Prepare yourself, big city residents, for an upcoming ban on running with scissors...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/12/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Assimilation

Assimilation, quite frankly, rocks your nuts off.

Well, there's honestly no reason to fear for your actual nuts in listening to them. And if you don't possess nuts, they'll still rock you... Perhaps more importantly, they're a fun band. I host a variety/talk show and they more than fit the bill--to give you more insight into just how they are "fun."

They're a "standard" rock outfit--guitar, bass, drums--plus trombone. One of their major influences is The Doors but... Well, once I was told that, I could hear it but... It's not like you'll immediately think "The Doors."

Otherwise... Well, I was running a show, so I actually have an excuse this time for remaining the Worst Music Critic on the Planet. Otherwise...don't fear for your nuts!:

http://www.myspace.com/assimilationlive

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2008:

A girl who'd ne'er orally climaxed

went out with an expert--good guy, Max.

He ate her, at movies;

she came oh so groovy

that she thought the screen turned to IMAX!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 302 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking-in here, on this Extra Cheezy Saturday...

Ahh, fall! I decide it's a little warm and turn the fan on by my computer...then decide that it's too chilly and turn the fan off... But as good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, fall is a time of rebirth for Chiefy. (Yeah, it's not technically fall until Sept. 22, but the weather and calendar don't usually synchronize.)

Some years, I feel like crawling back into the womb, or re-womb, during or after the rebirth...and, come to think of it, last year I was sorta still born...but, still, tryin' to be a bit sentimental and, I guess, it didn't work...again...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2008:

McCain slipped--mere half-ass did vet

Ms. Palin before they did let

her loose for campaign.

Think NOW she's insane?

Kick-back--you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 301 Days to Go...

So Ron Hornaday, Jr. has admitted the use of testosterone. At least before it was banned in his, er, "sport"...which is... NASCAR racing.

Steroids...sitting behind the wheel... While we're a little wary of the witch hunt, perhaps something needs to be done before ACCOUNTANTS are on 'em, seein' as many don't quite grasp the concept...

You know those commercials where they get all election-time "clever" and use wordplay ala, "This message has been approved by Chevy"?

They were ONCE funny...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/14/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Dangers and Power of Writing Poetry

As one who started writing young, I realized the power of poetry early.

Oh, for the most part they're "silly little poems" and even the "biggest" poetry is ignored by the masses. But for today, I'm focusing on personal poetry. Poetry can, and has, influenced the world at large (mostly in centuries past), but that's a bigger fish than I'd like to fry right now. Hell, it's more of a whale to fry.

I took note, as a shaver, of poetry's ability to make things funnier. Kids love rhymes--but so do grownups; they just forget. Of course, there's a balance--comedic rhyme can come across hokey, if you're not careful--but things are funnier when they rhyme, a credo I've followed in my adult career as The Stand-Up Poet.

I was branded a dork for most of my youth and, in my mostly fruitless attempts to woo young chicks, utilized poetry...with negative effects. I might have thrown in the towel on verse early, seeing its results, but I'd seen poetry's POSITIVE effects, too--writing poems for my mom as holiday gifts, for instance. So I knew there was POTENTIAL.

As an adult, and near-adult, I mined more of poetry's positive potential. And I realized that poetry often functions as an "enhancer," of sorts. That is, if a chick DOESN'T dig you, writing her a poem WON'T win her over--in fact, it'll frighten her and cause her to like you less, or at least be more solid in her negative opinion of you. If a chick DOES dig you, it can work wonders! Get you laid, finally get her un-pissed-off at you over a fight or incident, etc. If she has no strong opinion on you... It's a crapshoot. You'd probably encounter negative effects in writing her a poem--in my case, it seems like a more "serious" thing to do, especially since they probably don't realize I can practically write in my sleep.

There are many, many balances to work with the power of poetry. You can overdo it--write your girl too many poems, and they cease being special; use the poetry trick to get out of trouble too often and she's "on" to it; but get your used to receiving poetry and she may even complain, "You haven't written me a poem in a while--what's the matter; is something wrong?" (Although, of course, I generally MEAN what I write. I don't, for instance, apologize through poetry if I wouldn't apologize anyway.) And, of course, there's the matter of a pome's tone--you don't wanna get lovey for a poem given during early courtship, and you often wanna make SURE you're lovey when the relationship is at that point. Etc., etc.

Considering poetry's power as an enhancer, it gets especially tricky for chicks who're on the fence. And there was a recent incident in my life where I had to deal with just that situation.

It was/is one of those situations where things seem to be going well...and she freaks a bit. Perhaps over past treatment, perhaps not being used to being treated well, perhaps...whatever. And I whipped out a poem--careful not to be too "lovey," but also to relate the fact that feelings were growing... And it seemed to work. Well, who knows--maybe we would've gotten over that bump without the poem, but I think poetry played SOME part.

Which was a much-needed dose of optimism. Semi-recently, I've misjudged some "fence sitting" and again unleashed the negative power of poetry, so it was a welcome, if only seeming, "triumph of verse."

And yet... Well, we hit the same, or a similar bump earlier last week. As usual, won't go into personal details but... Suffice it to say that we're at another stand-off. The relationship could be over. Not sure... And I don't know if I'm gonna let poetry play any role at this point. On one hand, I'm moved to write--and it can help me deal with life. On the other...well... I guess that's our Big Lesson (amid all the little lessons) for today:

Poetry can be powerful--for good and bad. But while poetry CAN influence life, just as life can influence poetry... Poetry is only PART of life. It's not Life itself. In the end, it's just poetry...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/14/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Thanks, experimental director

 

Have I woken up

in my room?

It doesn't seem it.

But then the walls

come rushing back.

What time is it?

It looks late,

but feels early.

Somebody left a pot of water

boiling on the stove.

Did I do that?

I can hear the cover

clattering against the pot,

water splashing on

the burner.

 

Weird things are happening

on the TV.

The screen goes from red to white

and shapes keep appearing and

disappearing, interconnected

but separate.

What is this?

God, it's long, and not helping

with this mood.

 

Fine, I get it,

experimental director,

you want us to view objects

for their elusive beauty,

divorced of context except

for the frame of our minds.

But it just keeps going and going

(and the water keeps falling

and scorching itself),

and I have no idea what time it is.

 

How long have I been here?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2008:

The steroids threat is all too real;

but to athletes, they have appeal.

Now... NASCAR dudes hoard them?

How's THAT boost performance--

what, ape grip on the steering wheel?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 300 Days to Go...

We just learned this:

Soap was invented in Europe.

So... (Oh, maybe this is too easy)... Why'd they stop using it?...

We've said a word or two about our pathetic-attention-span society and how, really, it's amazing there aren't constant car pileups and pedestrian accidents with everybody walkin' around with iPhones and iPods and iDiocy in general.

But it is good for certain types. Say, the pot smokers who want to sneak a toke on their way to a bar, party or event.

Of course, we're running solely on imagination and others' stories for this one. But there was a time, we've been told, when you had to meticulously keep an eye out for cops and do-gooder citizens who might catch you doing such a terrible act.

But now? Nobody's remotely focused on the real world around them. Hell, you can walk down the street naked, tooting notes on a trumpet in between tokes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2008:

For now, GOP thinks it's nailin'

V.P. pick with wild Sarah Palin.

With time... If race, say,

'slike trial of O.J.

hist'ry marks her a Kato Kaelin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 299 Days to Go...

Headline from an "Etc." job/gig ad:

"Blond hair-blue eyed egg donor wanted"

History might've been a good deal gentler if Hitler had Craig's List...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2008:

Just recently, I read the dope:

Europe's where they invented soap.

Not shocked by the news, yet,

well... Why don't they USE it--

instead of bein' smelly-assed mopes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 298 Days to Go...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might believe that the job of a TV or film extra, while not glamorous, is easy.

And you'd be right...most of the time.

But sometimes... Torture. Of the Geneva Convention-banned variety.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

While I've done stand-up, poetry, sketch comedy, etc., I've done very little acting. Perhaps because I fell into this performing stuff as a writer who sought out the new social outlets of open mics and...well, did it so much I became passable at it.

But you'd think that, especially in the economy of recent years, and especially considering that my chosen and studied paying field (journalism) has tanked even more than other industries... Well, you'd think I'd use some of my acting chops to make a buck here and there, at least take a potshot at fame and fortune having a flexible freelance schedule--it isn't as if I'm NOT used to crappy wages.

Well, with YouTube clips and such now at the ready (I've been REALLY slow at this stuff), I recently started doing just that. Went on my first paid extra gig this week.

And was hideously, horribly tortured.

The scene was in a diner. I was to be conversing with others--background noise, as there'd be a narrator, hence the "extra" status--while enjoying a meal, which was ordered for me but was comped.

First, I knew my burger platter was coming--even saw the waitress with it...but had to wait. And wait. And wait. Until the part of the scene where the food was delivered.

Then, I was to take a bite, nibble a fry here and there as the scene progressed. Then it was time...to go back and RE-SHOOT some previous parts of the diner scene, from different angles...and they took the food away.

Oh, they brought it back. Then took it away again. Then left it there, but said "don't eat," as we were re-shooting still MORE footage but the camera angle wouldn't catch the food and... Thus it sat. Right under my nose, aromas wafting upward, taste of burger lingering in my mouth, so close but so forbidden.

Yeah, eventually they let me finish the plate. Was lukewarm, at best, by then. Free food but...still.

So the next time you notice an extra in a movie... Well, realize that although he or she is likely just waiting around a lot and earning an easy wage... Well, they might be one of the True American Heroes Who Walk Among Us.

Ahem...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/17/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Generic Cereal

While Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we have no fear of generic/store brands goods, I resisted up until recently even TRYING off-brands for breakfast cereal.

I'm not sure why, exactly... For many years, I'd given up on breakfast cereal, as on a cost-per-meal basis, it is rather expensive...although not always; you need to look for "buy one get one free" and other such deals. Yet it wasn't until the last few years, as I started emceeing numerous live shows and thus needing late near-meals, that I got back into cereal--easy-to-prepare, nutritious and filling.

Nonetheless, knowing that my experiences with off-brand goods weren't ALWAYS fruitful--toilet paper, dish soap, for instance--I just assumed that the cereals would be lousy.

But recently I took the plunge. Bought some of Jewel/Albertson's "Crisp Crunch Berry"--a Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries knockoff.

My conclusion? Mixed. In fact, about as middle-of-the-fence as one can get. It was by no means lousy, certainly close to the Cap'n Crunch experience--and the cost-per-meal is a superb value. But it was only CLOSE; the berries, especially, were a bit off. And I noticed in the ingredients that there was no strawberry juice--which, believe it or not, the good cap'n uses.

Now, I only tried ONE knock-off brand but... Well, I'm also middle-of-the-fence about whether or not I'll try more. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, send in your reviews...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2008:

And so "Pac-Man" Jones has been deemed

okay as a Cowboy, it seems.

T'ward "troubled," ain't callous,

those folks off in Dallas--

in fact, they've near all-prison team!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 297 Days to Go...

Scientists have now found that a material emitted by plastics and other substances, BPA, causes heart disease, diabetes, etc., etc., and probably more.

Popular offending materials include recycled paper and plastic water bottles. Thus, science continues to prove DL's assertion that every "green" action causes an "un-green" reaction meaning... Well, it's hopeless.

And science thus also continues to bolster DL's attitude that the human race, overall, has no hope...but we'll remind you that we're still happy, just caring about ourselves and enjoying this life while awaiting "proof" that the best overall philosophy to have is that of Happy Pessimism...

While he hasn't said much that's positively tangible as to what he'd do for the country as president (not that ANYBODY does after the primaries are decided and everyone shoots for the wishy-washy middle)...John McCain hit the nail on the head in calling the Blackberry "boneheaded."

We suppose a major party candidate comes close to qualifying as one of the two or three individuals on earth who actually need such a device...but, then again, as a major party political candidate, he doesn't really need to PRETEND he's important...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/18/2008:

Checking-in regarding yesterday's "Eat It!" section's call for readers' reviews of generic/store-brand breakfast cereals:

> I'm actually partial to "Honey & Nut Tasteeos,"

> the Market Basket knock-off version of Honey

> Nut Cheerios. It's less cloying and sweet than

> the cereal it mimics, which I like.

>

> However, jumping even further into the breakfast

> theme, I can't stand generic O.J. It just tastes

> wrong and seems to go bad way before Florida

> Natural or Tropicana do

>

> Mike

We could scold this bastard for going beyond the breakfast cereal theme but... This might be the closet we get to a "Daily Limerick Memory...Etc." as we've been calling for, now in our Tenth Year and all...ya' bunch of mealy-mouth sphincter-toasts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2008:

For long they've said, of the stock market,

invest dough wisely; wait--just park it.

But with lending bumbles

and big market tumbles

it's hard to believe bear's a lark-it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 296 Days to Go...

Today is actually International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And since it falls on a Friday this year, we're actually entering International Talk Like a Pirate Weekend!

See http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

And catch-up this weekend on a little R & Arrrrr...

Finally hit the milestone of having 100+ "friends" at MySpace. (http://www.myspace.com/dailylimerick and also, if not at 100, http://www.myspace.com/sloopandthemagnificentmusicalnutwagon.)

I'm sorta, kinda happy about it. Although I also tend to think that one's number of MySpace "friends" is inversely proportional to one's friends in reality...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/19/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Future Laureates

Well, here we are again. I'm spotlighting a cool band and still the World Music Critic on the Planet.

But let's give it a whirl... They're rockin', in a toe-tapping, melodic way. Vocal harmonies are a delight. And... Okay, the have a UKELELE player--and not just as a gimmicky thing; he jams the livin' crap outta that uke!

Better yet:

http://www.thefuturelaureates.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2008:

Chick dressed hot for date--real fire starter!

Guy eyed her; grew harder and harder...

They fucked--'twas quite rocking

'til, lovin' those stockings,

his cock got sprained, stuck on her garter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 295 Days to Go...

Saw a Craig's List adult ad for... Ahem. Chief Limericist checking in, here... Actually, it's Fred the Intern checking in here... Anyway, the headline:

"Snowball Fetish"

Okay, thanks, Fred... Chiefy actually checking in, here, now for the "witty capper"... Not only does this make...er, Fred feel not so perverted about his own peccadilloes, but it brings new meaning to the term "blue ball"!...

Hmmm... On second thought, that lame gag actually WAS Fred the Intern's...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2008:

Auto, real estate--through the ground.

Once "core" industries, now unsound.

With time, things should mend;

but feels like The End--

even the Cubs are playoff bound!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 294 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Michelle: Vote on Issues, Not Because 'She's Cute'"

It refers, of course, to Michelle Obama and... Just who does she think she is saying that? As if the American voters haven't matured beyond a high school level and... Hmmm.

Guess what's REALLY most appalling is that she thinks there's any HOPE for maturation beyond a high school level...

And really, saying a "high school level" might be giving us the benefit of the doubt...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/21/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Trade Show Mode

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I have a strange knack for getting into oddball situations with women. They're either full-on nuts themselves or... Well, tend toward stoking nutty situations.

Some of the more ridiculous situations have been related right here in this space. But realize that they've continued to happen ALL the time--at this point, it's sadly "same old, same old," so I generally don't mention most of the instances.

An incident happened a few months back. At the time, I guess I wrote it off as "same old, same old" but it keeps returning to my mind. It stands out from the pack of runarounds and the offending kook should somehow be rewarded--if you can call being, um, "immortalized" in Sunday Story Time a reward--for her sheer Ridiculosity.

I almost want to actually NAME her, which I don't do as a rule, although she IS a "public person" of sorts...but I won't. Perhaps future, ahem, scholars of Daily Limerick may be able to pinpoint her identity.

Anyway, the screwball in question is an artist and she had a booth at a big Chicago art event this past spring. As a bit of an artsy-fart, I volunteered to sit at an organization's booth for a shift, getting me into the event for free and allowing me to prowl the floor.

Where I ran into the wacko.

I liked her art, thought she looked a piece of art and thus chatted her up a bit--which went seemingly gangbusters. She was flirtatious and, before I left, I asked if she'd like to go out some time. Beyond merely agreeing to the idea, she said, "I'd really like that." I thought I was in. (Well, I thought there was a good POSSIBILITY I was in. I was in a hardened and cynical mode as I was also amid a Great Romantic Drought wherein every possible thing that COULD go wrong when it seemed I was "in," DID go wrong.)

I e-mailed her. Didn't hear back in a day or so. I called; left a message. Didn't hear back for another day or so... Then she e-mailed me back. So I corresponded ala "Howz about that date?" and... She answered: "I'm in a new relationship. I'm really sorry if I led you one; didn't mean to--guess I was in 'Trade Show Mode.'"

Trade Show Mode.

Trade Show Mode?

So... TRADE SHOW MODE?

TRADE SHOW mode?

The insane creative genius of her knuckleheadism took me aback. I spat out a wishy-washy reply ala "well, if you find yourself single again..." I followed up in another week or two with an e-mail here and there, hoping that perhaps the "new" relationship would tank--after all, she WAS truly hot, DID say that, "If I WEREN'T dating someone, I'd go out with you in a second" and... Well, as the Superhero may admit to respecting his Arch Enemy, I kinda admired the sheer lunacy of this "Trade Show Mode" excuse.

What SHOULD I have said? "If I'd have known you were in Trade Show Mode, I would've mounted you right in your booth"? "There's a Trade Show in my pants--and you're invited"?

Oh, well. I suppose it's all for the better. Can you imagine the crazed lines of logic she'd tap in an argument or what-have-you if we'd have dated?

If nothing else, she's tapped a new level; embodied Ridiculosity Incarnate:

Trade Show Mode... Pffft...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/21/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Life in moments

 

Your life in moments lives in

a little notebook you keep with you,

always. Even on walks, it's tucked

in your pants pocket. The cover

looks old, torn, kinda mashed,

and you worry sometimes that someone,

any stranger, will find it and

take it from you. And he will page

through your little moments, his

expression going through its paces

to keep up with your dizzying spectrum

of faces and places. And then he will

hand the little book back,

and gruffly say,

 

"Sorry, I don't really

understand what that meant."

 

(Sometimes, poems are an overriding image

that comes fully formed into your head. So

you write them down without question.

Though you don't own a little book

like this, you can understand the need

for one. And you've never felt the fear

of being found but still not known.

 

Right?)

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/21/2008:

So a Love Fest kicks in, thanks to my trumpeting The Future Laureates in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section:

> Hey Sloop,

> Thanks for the shout out! Matt (uke player) is blushing.

> Hope all is well!

> -Danny from The Future Laureates

Wow. The last time we made a ukulele player blush, it was Don Ho, at that fateful luau with the everclear punch and...we guess it wasn't really a "blush" proper, but his face WAS red...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2008:

Michelle O. says don't vote for "cute"

ref'rencing that Palin galoot...

All noms', hubbies', wives',

looks please gals and guys...

except for that old McCain coot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 293 Days to Go...

Headline:

"NASCAR to Use Random Drug Tests in '09"

Do you think the people behind NASCAR actually BELIEVE that (nudge nudge, wink wink) it's a REAL sport?...

Sunday newspaper flyer slogan from Dick's Sporting Goods:

"Ball Crushing Savings"

Hmm.

We could comment on "what the hell demographic ARE they shooting for?"...but we're having problems pulling in lesbian readership already...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/22/2008:

Checking-in regarding yesterday's Sunday Story Time, in which I (Chief Limericist, also checked-in, here) related the tale of the nutroast chick who set-up a date with me, then welched because she had a boyfriend and only agreed (quite flirtatiously, I might add) to a date originally because she was in (ahem) "Trade Show Mode" (see what you're missin', non-daily readers?):

> I love your stories. Trade Show Mode. I love that turn of phrase.

> A number of years ago an somewhat well known editor of a French

> Art Magazine wrote a small book detailing all of her sexcapades.

> It seems she did it everywhere and with everybody. The book was

> both a scandal and a best seller, certainly in France. See Below.

> It was translated into English. I absolutely loved it. I thought

> it was quite brave to out yourself and in such intimate detail. In

> some strange way, thinking about it now, in its preciseness and

> focus, it reminds me of Joan Didion's. The Year of Magical

> thinking...the book she wrote about the death of her husband. It

> should be a definite read for you. The you can write your version.

>

> Enjoy the day, Fast Eddy

 

And then there's a press release about the work from Catherine Millet pasted in but... Sheesh. I'm glad if you're STILL following this.

In any event... Well, the next time a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper is going to engage in such flattery, tip me off at the top of the letter, so I can remove my pants before reading it... But that's a good idea: a tell-all book. However, mine would be a bit different as the most interesting stories from my, er, "romantic" life involve the times where I got NOTHIN'.

All my friends and cohorts seem to agree that those are the best stories. But will publishers go for a tell-all sex book...with no sex?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2008:

The newspaper brought the report;

I'll give ya' the long and the short:

NASCAR will drug test.

Seems, unlike the rest,

they're peeps think it's some kind of "sport."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 292 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Here's what I'm considering as an outgoing message on my answering machine:

"Hel...lo. Are you...calling...for... SLOOP... J... BIED...er... MAN?... If you are not...calling...for... SLOOP... J. BIEDER...er... MAN... Please ignore...this...out...GO...ing... message. But as a...technology...age... CATCH...Twenty... TWO... In continuing to listen...to...this...message, you are acKNOWledging that...you...are... calling for... SLOOP... J... BIEDER...er... MAN... Do you...insist...that... this is regarding an... "important BUSiness matter"...which is...code for... "some alleged debt I owe," which was LONG ago settled but is still alive in...computer hell... And do you insist that this...is... URGENT...despite the fact that you use a...faceless...automated...computer VOICE to...relate it?... Then PLEASE leave...an 800 number...for me to...completely...ignore...and make sure to include...a ridiculously long and...UNwieldy... REFerence code...which I will LIKEwise...IGnore... And do...you...realiIZE...that people HAVE Caller ID now...and IGnore... inCOMing messages from 800 numbers?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2008:

Says Palin, for sex ed., we oughter

in abstinence-only scheme dodder

to please Jesus freaks

though stats are so weak

it failed even for her own daughter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 291 Days to Go...

Unhappiness is... When, although you subscribe to a newspaper largely to support the troubled industry, the rat bastards decide to continually push your favorite column--and a highly popular one--out of the print edition in a misguided effort to slowly "reinvent" itself--destroying the hard-copy convenience you enjoy as a small perk for the outrageous subscription fees you pay...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/24/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ladies and Steak-umms

I've long enjoyed the greasy, digestively dicey delight that is Steak-umms frozen (and undoubtedly processed) sandwich steaks. Since they're expensive, I usually grab some when there's a "buy one, get one free" or similar deal. Sure, they're no substitute for a fresh Porterhouse off the grill, but they're a treat all their own.

But do you serve them...to a lady?

I ask because I made Steak-umms for an ex-girlfriend. She'd never had them before and...well, didn't really partake, in the end. Took a bite, didn't like 'em and ate something else while I enjoyed them in all their greasy glory. (I like to pour a little of the leftover grease on 'em, after cookin' 'em with dried minced onion bits atop--tossing 'em on a bun with a spot of A1 sauce.)

My friend and roommate at the time witnessed my cooking and said, "You don't serve Steak-umms to a girl!" And my ex- agreed.

Now, my ex- was NOT the picky eating sort. To boot, she was extremely low maintenance--but, nonetheless, she surprised me by seconding his claim that you don't serve Steak-umms to a lady.

So I guess I'm seeking a second opinion--from Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. And perhaps a third, and fourth, etc. opinion. Not that you monkey-lickers ever answer, but there you have it.

Does anybody actually feel that Steak-umms are romantic?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2008:

McCain issues mudslinging beating

with Chicago Dem Machine bleatings

which does make me wonder

why silence on blunder

of John--'twas in bed with Charles Keating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 290 Days to Go...

Opened our newspaper yesterday to see a photo of Sarah Palin, in her election rounds, meeting with... Henry Kissinger?

What? Was O.J. unavailable?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/25/2008:

> Chicago War Zone Information

>

> Body count. In the last six months 292 killed (murdered)

> in Chicago , 221 killed in Iraq...

The missive goes on. And on.

There's a point there, I suppose. Although Obama hasn't been a major player in Chicago politics.

Perhaps the point is that many make a Big Deal out of Iraq...but not out of the crime on our own streets.

Thus I guess the McCain, Bush, potato, po-tah-to logic would be that since there are so many deaths in Chicago, we should send forces into...Cleveland?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2008:

Banks' down spiral--signs show no end.

So Bush Team, to counter the trend,

wants bailout--quick passage--

with tax price tag massive--

while still dubbing DEMS "tax and spend"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 289 Days to Go...

So, Clay Aiken was to come out of the closet in a People Magazine story to debut yesterday.

Great timing. Now that he's...well, along his 15 Minutes of Fame Clock, at about... Minute 47?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/26/2008:

TODAY'S EDITION: Amanda Williams

Amanda not only puts out some killer, creative, thoughtfully-lyriced jams ("lyriced"?)--but she's so sexy she makes me feel like a doddering schoolboy inside whenever she's around.

Ahem.

She's really a "national act," but visited my Chicago Internet radio show nonetheless. Not sure how I scored that. Not that I "scored," mind you, but...ahem again.

One of her tunes talks about a guy who "makes [her] wanna rip [her] clothes off" and another bashes the Barbie-brained, plastic-surgery addict types, spotlighting an aging one who just wants to get laid to feel superficially better...but has difficulty accomplishing it.

Upon hearing her set while she was in town, a cohort of mine remarked, regarding her lyrics, specifically some about a guy about town who every chick wanted, that "all of her songs are about YOU, Sloop!" Which I kinda doubt--and which I think was a joke. But I appreciate the quasi-compliment, anyway. I'll take 'em wherever I can get 'em.

http://www.amandawilliamsmusic.net

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/26/2008:

Regarding yesterday's plea to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers for advice on whether or not to serve Steak-umms to a lady:

> I wouldn't do it. Giving a love interest Steak-umms

> is like showing a woman every moment of your

> bachelorhood in a greasy, inappropriate package (wow,

> that came out wrong!). Kinda like cooking her anything

> from Chef Boyardee in lieu of a romantic meal.

Hmmm.

I was not in any way saying that Steak-umms (or the good Chef Boyardee) would qualify for a ROMANTIC meal. Just a meal...perhaps when in a rush before heading out to do something or whatever.

In any event... I've yet to receive a "yay!" vote on feeding a lady Steak-umms, so perhaps I'll refrain until (if) I hear otherwise.

Wouldn't want my "package" to seem inappropriate...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2008:

Guy, girl's sex chemistry... To be candid--

all positions, 'nads sucked, stroked and hand-ed--

was so wild and untamed

that when he fin'ly came

took a full week to find where it landed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 288 Days to Go...

Well, it's another Extra Cheezy Saturday, which means another dirty "traditional" Limerick, as opposed to a News Limerick and... Do you guys know that these are the toughest to write?

Really. There are always new names and situations in the news, but when you're going on 10 years of these, seeking new (or new-ish) themes about penises and vaginas and legs and fetishes and positions and fluids... Well, it's rough.

Not that I'm expecting sympathy for the fact that, every Friday, I'm preparing the Extra Cheezy edition, working hard at thinking dirty...but at LEAST have sympathy for any hot UPS lady who might happen to buzz my door at such time...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2008:

McCain, after all, did find some

time for the debates. Though they're dumbed-

down sound-bite events

shouldn't President

be able to walk and chew gum?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 287 Days to Go...

From an AP story:

"A Colorado teenager hired men to kill his mother so he could get money for breast implants for his girlfriend, police said."

Ah, yes. Whenever you're feeling down about the future of humankind in these trying times, just look to the naivete and innocence of the children...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/28/2008:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

 

TODAY'S EDITION: Me and You and Chris Lareau

I know there have been entire books dedicated to the amusing ways people assume/guess/interpret the lyrics to songs...but that doesn't mean that amusing anecdotes on that level will ever cease.

If you're like me in this regard--and those I've met tell me that many, many of you are--your "first attempt" at college, straight to it at 18 after high school--is a Special Time of Life wherein... Well, you have unlimited time to experiment with life and drugs and generally kill time. Of course, I'd advise younger Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers facing that time period to, oh, study a bit and such--but I'm just being honest here.

We had a weird bunch on our dorm floor, freshman year. Well, I'm sure that most considered their first dorm floor crew to be weird, I suppose, and perhaps they just SEEMED weird, coming from a small town and first experiencing the diversity a big time university has to offer but... No, actually, my dorm floor denizens WERE especially weird.

There were a few "staple stereotypes"--William, who'd never had a beer in high school; Mark the Jesus freak; and...well, my roommate and I were the token stoners. But there were also the truly original jokers, like Dan, a know-it-all type who claimed the water from our floor's water fountain "tasted like Freon," and Tony, who had some bizarre foot disorder that would stink up the entire floor and which sent him through a revolving door of new roommates.

Then there was Chris Lareau.

Now, Chris was a nice guy. And judging by my failure in the first college attempt and his doing rather well at the time majoring in engineering... Well, who's the doofus, really? But at the time, of course, we viewed him as the weirdo. He had an afro, which was a bit out-of-place for a white guy in the '80s, and he was prone to...well, odd proclivities. For instance, he regularly juggled in the common area as a way of relieving stress, sometimes in the middle of the night, and he was a roller coaster enthusiast, wearing T-shirts emblazoned with roller coaster convention logos. First roller coaster enthusiast I've ever met. The only one, actually.

So in between bongs and reruns of "The Flintstones," with little to do, outside of homework, attending class or getting, you know, lives, a bunch of us one day engaged ourselves in the endeavor of crafting creative song lyrics.

We came up with a bunch that hit the hilarity nail on the head...most of which I don't recall. One, to The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian," was "Walk Like Dave Concepcion," perhaps more amusing due to its forced semi-rhyme. (Dave was a baseball player, for the Cincinnati Reds I believe--a less-than-current reference even then.)

And there was a 1970s song we all heard the refrain to quite often, thanks to a '70s compilation CD/album/tape commercial running on one of the cable channels we all watched frequently (some more frequently than others), called "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo."

And that became, of course, "Me and You and Chris Lareau."

Which, if you knew Chris, and were among our group, at that time... Well, it was hilarious, under the circumstances.

I can't hear, or think of, the song without think-singing those lyrics. In fact, I can imagine myself in an old folks' home someday recalling them.

We never informed Chris of our little "song." But... Well, in order to jog my memory of that time period for the writing of today's edition, I glanced at some jpegs somebody had sent me semi-recently of the old dorm crew. There are a few faces who's names--and personae--I've forgotten.

So, really, if it weren't for that "song," I may very well have forgotten Chris Lareau altogether...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/28/2008:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A long-lasting love

 

We share the seconds

and the secrets of those seconds.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/28/2008:

> Thanks!  Mind if I post it in my blog with your name on it and all?

>

> -A

That's Amanda Williams, profiled in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section checking in. Which is code for, of course, "All my songs are about you."

Right?

Well, okay... Anyway, yeah, that's what it's about: Go ahead and post and blog me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2008:

Clay Aiken--remember THAT name?

Came out--says he likes guys, not dames.

"Shock's" less than sublime

but why NOW when time's

run out on his 15 of fame?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 286 Days to Go...

Being in a 'Tweener Season--between Summer and Fall, regardless of what the calendar says--I'm not always sure how to deal with it.

Oh. Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Went out to the lakeshore with my laptop and newspapers this weekend and, despite being a bit chilly in a short-sleeved shirt, toughed it out and did some stuff thinking, "You won't be able to do this for another six months or so; could be your last day of it."

But Life threw me a sign the same day that maybe it's time to stop pushing the "end of summer" thing.

In the spring and summer, I'll often drink iced coffee, being one who drinks far too much coffee. Technically, it's not usually "iced," per se--I'll keep a bottle from a store-bought iced tea or something and continually refill it with coffee from my coffeemaker, chilling it in the fridge--or freezer, if the pot is fresh and hot and I want it cold in a couple hours.

Well, I put a bottle of coffee in the fridge earlier that day...and forgot to remove it when it was sufficiently chilled. Thus, I came home later and the coffee had completely froze, popping the lid off a bit and cracking the bottle all to hell.

Oh, I COULD go purchase another glass-bottled beverage but... Well, my coffee-icing bottle had been destroyed, which seems to be a sign...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2008:

So Ms. Palin claims that she's got

for'n policy ex. 'cause from lot

of house, Russia's seen.

See moon--does that mean

that I can be an astronaut?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2008:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 285 Days to Go...

...So since the Chicago White Sox were playing a post-regular season (but not yet "playoff") makeup game yesterday to vie for the still up-in-the-air divisional title, we turned on the TV here in the Daily Limerick Towers. (A rarity, despite the, er, hard news business that goes down here.)

The game was delayed by rain. But we left the TV on...and thus heard the melodious (or is it "malodorous"?) sounds of "Maury."

And that was just the start of it.

Now... Well, it was a little tough to NOT feel any remaining hope for the human race leaving our souls. But trying to remain optimistic... Well, in a confusing, ever-changing world, I guess it's nice to know that some things--like daytime talk show programming--apparently never, ever change one bit...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/30/2008:

> Subject: Bet You Won't Hear This on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, ABC or CBS

The e-mail contains text of a Rush Limbaugh interview with some folks who have a retarded daughter, are active in child disability causes and, after holding up a sign trumpeting their cause at some McCain-Palin rally, were personally approached by McCain's peeps.

Although this instance has its own special particulars, it nonetheless qualifies as "kissing babies." Which is what candidates for public office DO.

Thus, of COURSE you won't hear about it on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS or elsewhere.

If a candidate for public office DOES NOT take an opportunity to kiss babies, you WILL hear about it on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS and elsewhere.

And believe it or not, we actually have a SECOND letter today:

> "Buzz your door" eh? Sounds like you've just gotten the theme

> for the next Saturday limerick.

This is referring to my assertion on the last Extra Cheezy Saturday (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) that writing traditional, "dirty" Limericks, the Saturday protocol, is tougher than writing News Limericks and that, say, a UPS lady "buzzing my door" while I'm crafting a traditional Limerick might get more than she bargained for.

But it seems like I'm missing something here. Yeah, could make a good Limerick theme but... Is "Buzz Your Door" slang for some sex act? I'm supposed to be up on these things--hell, I'm supposed to be the LEADING AUTHORITY on these things! One hits the news and CNN, Fox News and all the rest are supposed to turn to ME!

Or... Maybe it's just a decent suggestion for an Extra Cheezy Saturday Limerick theme.

Nonetheless, I feel a bit professionally vulnerable now...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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