Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2009:

Of foolishness, we see a burst;

bailouts reward greed--make things worse!

Of fools, we've our fill--

banks, Capitol Hill...

And they don't wait 'til April First!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 102 Days to Go...

Ahh, April!

As part of the human tendency to never be happy at the point we're at--"Oh, it's August and so hot--can't wait for fall!"; "This February is so cold; can't wait for June!"--many will, of course, pooh-pooh April with it's noted showers and all.

But where do we typically see showers and thunderstorms? That's right--in scary movies! So why not look at April like Scary Month and enjoy THAT, ya' bastards.

We also suppose that April is Scary Month thanks to it being Tax Time and all--especially this year, knowing your tax dollars are going toward rewarding financial shits-fer-brains for raping us all, anally and unlubricated, into a Recession/Depression... But try not to think about that too much; there's "good scary" and "bad scary"; think scary movies...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"Sun-Times Bankruptcy: The Chicago Sun-Times Disclosed Today That it has Filed for Protection from Creditors Under Chapter 11 of the Federal Bankruptcy Code"

Hmmm.

Did anybody read Daily Limerick's Slappin' and Yappin' yesterday?

Hardly. Why bother with something so ridiculous when there are a zillion other news sources that actually prognosticate on the issues of the day?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/1/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: An Easter Time Tragedy

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs!

But I can't find 'em anymore.

I've found Cadbury ORANGE Cream Eggs but... Where are the regular ones?

I've also found all sorts of knock-off brands and knock-off eggs: peanut butter, caramel, Snickers... But, again, where are the regular, groundbreaking Cadbury Cream Eggs? With the delicious, yolk-lookin' stuff inside and all?

Conspiracy? Economy? Terrorism?

Any info is appreciated...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2009:

Chris Farley's bro's book tour, he blabs

that, 'fore Chris met untimely slab,

to rehab resigned

'self... SEVENTEEN TIMES?

But don't dare question Big Rehab!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 101 Days to Go...

Let's take stock of this "bailout those Too Big to Fail, screw the citizens" method of financial repair:

GM, which received bailout billions, is firing its CEO and possibly looking at bankruptcy.

Ford, the one automaker of the Big Three that DIDN'T take bailout cash...is now bringing back 300 previously laid-off workers to build the new Ford Explorer.

Government logic... Another reason April is Scary Month!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2009:

They're like Easter's wee party kegs--

Cadbury Cream Eggs! Must I beg?

Found orange ones and knockoffs

so many, knocks socks-off...

Where are the damn 'rig'nal Cream Eggs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 100 Days to Go...

We don't recall a baseball team's Opening Day in Chicago, or the Northern U.S., for that matter, that has been anything but cold and wintry.

So, you weather and sports hacks, when we see an Opening Day forecast that's actually warm and spring-like, THEN, and only then, should you dub the weather, "unseasonable"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/3/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Machine Gun Mojo

Since I'm, of course, the Shittiest Music Critic on the Planet, we're always trying new ways of writing-up bands here and... Okay, here's a slice-of-life to describe Machine Gun Mojo:

When I first heard the band, I started thinking, "They sound a bit Doors-like to me. Heavier--and Doors-LIKE, as opposed to mimicking that sounds--but most certainly Doors-like."

Then I heard the lyrics to one of their songs: "If the cigarette don't kill me, the whiskey will." Hmm... Later, they covered a Doors tune, or sorta covered one, anyway--musically referencing it and using the word, "Mojo" which, of course... Well, look into the Doors if you don't get that.

Later, one of the band members admitted that he didn't care for the Doors but... Hey, you could be compared to far worse as a band... Anyway:

http://www.myspace.com/machinegunmojo

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2009:

While working, I'm not good as masking

it--with sex thoughts, I'm multi-tasking.

Mem'ries and clenched wrist-y;

I often wax misty--

and Misty could use a good waxing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 99 Days to Go...

Yet another way that Political Correctness is ruining our world:

You wannabe "progressive" bastards placing "talent" ads on Craig's List?

If you'd use "actress" for female roles, we'd all waste a helluva lot less time clicking on your poorly written ads...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2009:

Chrysler, GM took bailout perks;

fuck-up more and act like big jerks.

Telling of Fed wisdom?

Ford shunned welfare jism--

and now's bringing folks back to work!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 98 Days to Go...

A new movie is out, "Alien Trespass," which parodies sci-fi movies...of the 1950s?

What? So Hollywood's out of stuff to remake and this is the next logical step?

We've been warning you for some time  now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--but now that this stuff is in fashion, you may yet see our parody of Warren G. Harding's "Teapot Dome Scandal"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/5/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Oh, the Sweet Morning Sounds...

...Of bathroom puking in the morning.

Not just puking--total, echo-through-the-place yakking.

Most every morning.

Every 15 minutes or so.

For hours on end.

Yet another Derelict Roommate Tale (see the Archives or 'Net-search it, bastard-balls)... Coming... Well, sorta soon, to Sunday Story Time... (Wouldn't be right to do it up WHILE the roommate's still living there, now would it?)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/5/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Their story is not my story

 

Their pairing is a distant story.

Mine is long walks along wooded paths

pretending to be city streets.

The painted houses' faces are flashing

their own stories, the lives people

have built up inside them.

 

Music plays in my ears and moves

through my vision. I wonder,

 

aware.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/5/2009:

This one comes in from Machine Gun Mojo--the band, er...featured in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" pull-out section:

> Sloop-a-doop,

>

> thanks for the pub our mojo brother...although,

> you forgot to mention how amazingly sexy we were

> and how they had to mop the floor after we were

> done to clean all the "organic fluids" left from

> all the women uncontrollably orgasming while we

> played (ok maybe a little too graphic)...

>

> ...keep the rock alive and spread the word of mojo...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Ahem.

So THAT'S was those fluids were?

That's good. I thought I'd gotten a little too excited, like the time at the Jumbo House Buffet and... Anyway, rock on and such...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2009:

"Reality" show uses tool:

matchmaker for...millionaire? Fool!

If you can't score chicks

with millions, ya' prick--

please remove yourself from gene pool!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 97 Days to Go...

So this weekend saw Opening Day for the Women's Professional Soccer league and... Really.

They're gonna have to play naked or something for us to give it any more attention than that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2009:

For Opening Days, some get schnockered.

But what about... Pro women's soccer?

To capture my int'rest

I think it might be best

to skip uniforms--bear those knockers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 96 Days to Go...

What the hell ever happened to Easter bonnets?

Seriously, Lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, get with the traditional program. There are young boys right now missing the opportunity to cultivate one of the more accommodate-able fetishes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2009:

To Opening Days, the fans swarm;

but weather? It just won't conform!

So weathermen lead with bull,

call it, "unseasonable"--

untrue, 'til one's actually warm!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 95 Days to Go...

Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard, in town to watch the NCAA Final Four, was pick-pocketed in Detroit.

I say that's good enough to give THEM the 2016 Olympics. Get those crooked bastards outta my Chicago and over THERE.

Oh, laugh if you like, but we're dead serious. Maybe it won't affect the games themselves, but it'll sure make overall TV viewing of the festivities and such much more amusing...think of the Opening Ceremony possibilities...

Unlike other TV networks, Fox starts its shows, not on the hour or half-hour, but five minutes past.

We're sure their PR shills have some creative blather to explain why, but it's an obvious attempt to keep viewers tuned to Fox. "Okay, I watched my show, and I'd like to watch such-and-such on another channel but... Whoops! It's already five minutes past--better just watch what's next on Fox!"

Now, we hope some Fox folks are reading, because we're here to tell them that... With viewers like us, you're often shooting yourselves in the foot. Or perhaps in the penis.

F'rinstance... The other night, we considered watching Fox's 10:30-11:30 p.m. block of "The Simpsons" and then "Seinfeld." But checking with our remote's handy-dandy "Info" button, we found that we'd recently seen the "Seinfeld" rerun... Shame, though, because we don't think we'd ever seen "The Simpsons" in question.

Now, if the situation were reversed--that we hadn't seen the "Seinfeld"--we could've watched elsewhere at 10:30 p.m. and returned. But watching "The Simpsons" would screw-up being able to watch a full show that we hadn't recently seen at 11 p.m. so... Sod off, Fox.

We'll begrudgingly give 'em credit for creativity in their means of driving discerning viewers away. In addition to the tried-and-true method of a complete and utter disregard for quality...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/8/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Lent is Filet o' Fish Time

I don't properly observe Lent, really. But it's a great excuse to grab a McDonald's Filet o' Fish.

In these lame times, I feel an obligation to support McDonald's, despite the fact that they're a huge corporation (and not immune from working evil in that capacity, lest the next step in the Big Mother movement's "War on Fun"--blaming a food's availability for people's fat-assedness--takes hold alongside Secondhand Science.

On that note, is Morgan Spurlock working at McDonald's yet? Or is he working on his next documentary on how hitting yourself in the head with a hammer shockingly causes brain damage? But I semi-digress.

And while Mickey D's has annoyed the living crap outta me lately with those wannabe hipster "I'm lovin' it" commercials, the Filet o' Fish one, with the singing bass on a wall plague, is... Well, I gotta admit, it's amusing.

So enjoy a Filet o' Fish this Lent, while the deals are better. And while you're at it, do the world a favor and kick a Health Nazi in the nuts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2009:

Millions spent for "Earth Hour" enthralled

the easy-fix greens heeding call.

Rain forests, pole ice caps

have suddenly grown back--

lame stunt saved Earth, once and for all!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 94 Days to Go...

Remember how, oh...a few years ago, that inventor successfully goaded the media into trumpeting his soon-to-be-unveiled device that would "change the world"?

And he unveiled the ridiculously overpriced Segway. Which didn't sell worth a shit, for good reason--except to police departments with fat cops and a budget to blow and tour groups serving tacky tourists.

Well now GM, whom we all bailed-out... Is partnering with the King Moron behind Segway and aiming to unveil a two-seater...so that THAT overpriced, useless sack of crap can sit unsold next to their crap cars.

You know... We do feel like we're beating a dead horse over this, but can ONE DAY pass where we don't news confirming that this Bailout strategy is a Godawful idea?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2009:

Some fret showers that April carries

as well as fact that spring's warmth tarries.

Halfway to Hall'ween--

think storms in flick scenes

for April is the Month of Scary!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 93 Days to Go...

The makers of the Chia Pet are pulling a special Barack Obama edition from shelves because... Well, because a sense of humor is SOOO last century, apparently.

Turns out, Obama is the second great American to be honored with a Chia Pet likeness. The other was... Mr. T?

I guess this all says something or other, but we'll just let it speak for itself...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/10/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Good Friday...

...And I was baptized Catholic, so I should get the day off.

It couldn't come at a better time, either, having no good topic for this oft topic-troublesome section--and not feeling up to the hackery of spewing something quasi-relevant out... So may your Good Friday be...well, good. Not "excellent" or anything (let's not get carried away), but not "crapolla," either and, well, again, "good"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2009:

There once was a fella named Castle

for whom getting laid was a hassle.

Went to burlesque show--

was his time to go!

(Died that night--he choked on a tassle.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 92 Days to Go...

Some therapists are now recommending that, as a way of bonding to encourage conversation and debate, families watch "American Idol" together.

Screw the children--shed a tear for the adults!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2009:

What happened to the Easter Bonnet?

They're nice--c'mon ladies, get on it!

Look cute and coquettish--

let's stoke young boy fetish

and sexplay with cumshot upon it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 91 Days to Go...

Noticed a news brief this week, tucked onto the bottom of a business-section page in our newspaper, relating the results of a survey finding that 34 percent of companies plan to lay-off workers in the near future.

For the less-than-math-savvy Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that's more than one third of the companies surveyed.

But no need to use the "D" word, folks. Mere "recession," recovering, too, thanks to those brilliant Bailouts.

Just don't say the word. War is peace; taxpayer robbery is charity; Orwell was an optimist...

But Happy Easter, anyway!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/12/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Easter Memories

When I think back to my childhood about Easters that have come and gone, I think... Candy and ham.

Seriously. That's about it.

Oh, I've hunted for some eggs, but that's never been the delight I'd hoped for. My grandparents made it too easy--then again, I was the oldest of the grandchildren, so maybe the others found it challenging. And my dad hid eggs for us once or twice, but he hid them TOO well and hadda give all sorts of hints and... That was a clunker, if of a different stripe.

So candy and ham it is. And, really, what more could anyone ask for?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/12/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Oh 010

 

Oh technology, addictive bitterness,

jerking us into each other's lives

in a glaze of detachment.

 

These are real people with real

thoughts, real ideas and struggles,

turned into brands for consumption.

 

Identity is a consideration

without being one at all: what is

the best face I can put forward

 

and the best lies I can omit

to massage the mundane into

an enviable, livable caricature?

 

Documenting every moment is the

same as documenting none --

every breath is its own plinth

 

hoisting every thought up

by its marble cold feet,

a long empty straight line.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2009:

Barack Chia Pet's been yanked! See,

sense of humor? Sooo last cent'ry!

Shame--honor's so rare!

Real dude molds? Mere pair--

guess Obama's no Mr. T!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 90 Days to Go...

So, word on the Celebrity Streets is that Miley Cyrus now saws, "I'd love to be a director."

Told ya' April, with its thunderstorms and all, is really Scary Month.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2009:

The public's buried in dismay

o'er Bailout funds bein' pissed away.

Just now, though face waste--

ult'mate slap in face--

as GM pairs with lame Segway!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 89 Days to Go...

The latest tactic of the Great Bailout for Bad Behavior entails the Feds urging banks to...keep their government stress reports a secret for a while. So that the stock market doesn't react negatively.

Screw fixin' the problem; just HIDE it.

So we've went from metaphorically, to literally, hiding our heads up our asses now?...

While we're on the topic of scary... Now, we've ripped the glorified karaoke cum pop cultural sensation "American Idol" relentlessly over the... What, has it been on centuries yet? Anyway, it's one of those topics where we're near constantly thinking of new reasons it's Lame-o-Rific but, well, for one, we don't wanna beat a dead horse, and bashing "Idol" as lame is a bit like bashing cats for chasing mice and... Okay, Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I overheard some Regis & Kelly recently--visiting my parents; I accept no culpability for turning the show on--and... Well, first of all, it was an "Idol" castoff, and even overall "winners" at this point, in season 350 or whatever, are pretty much G-List.

Secondly, they had the guy do a tune and the tune... "Just the Way You Are"? The latest standard in too-cheezy-for-even-an-Omaha-hotel-lounge singer? And... Oh, Andy Warhol was only semi-right; maybe everybody's gonna get FIVE minutes of fame, two or three times...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2009:

The Feds ask banks to lend a hand.

Those reports on Bailout so planned?

Hush-hush they implore!

Went from metaphor

to literal head-in-the-sand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 88 Days to Go...

Pediatricians are reporting that many tweens and teens are now "adopting" vegetarian diets only because it makes it easier to refuse a slice of that roast and, thus, mask eating disorders.

How long does DL have to keep telling the world that no good can possibly come of this vegetarian crap?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/15/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Kraft's New(-ish) Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner

Kraft has a truly special entree in its easy-to-make Macaroni and Cheese dinner. It's not, of course, the same as a baked mac and cheeze with the crispy top, but like Chef Boyardee's Chili Mac, it's in that special category of foods that aren't quite the top-notch homemade version but have a unique flavor that you end up craving, now and again, anyway--making it ALMOST a different entree altogether.

So it was with much suspicion that I tried Kraft's new "Deluxe" version, although I explored this unknown territory in order to bring news of it to you, my beloved Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. (Actually, I stumbled across a coupon--buy a Deluxe version, get a regular free...but why get bogged-down in details?)

The Deluxe version only differs in the cheeze sauce. As opposed to the powdered mix that brings a sauce when you add milk and butter, the newfangled box comes with a packet of ready-to-go cheeze sauce. It's a Velveeta-style dilly. It's good, in its own way, but... Does it justify the "Deluxe" label--and, more importantly, the extra price?

My answer? No. Maybe it's a matter of preference--I kinda LIKE that chalky, mixed-it-myself flavor of the traditional version--but, in any event, I don't think it justifies the price jack-up.

So... There ya' go, from the authority on all things cheezy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2009:

There's one bonus, age of iPod--

entertain-me-constantly clods

will walk right in from of you

oblivious, but too

zoned to hear you call 'em, "Wad!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 87 Days to Go...

So, political sideshow Sarah Palin now says, of global warming, that...it's harming Alaska.

After decades of evidence and matching denial, she's just NOW accepting the facts?

Who does she think she is--the Catholic Church?...

An Ohio State University study finds that Facebook users log less studying time and lower grades than non-Facebook users.

The study also states the reason for this..."isn't clear."

Suppose that'll take another giant grant for the Studyers of Things...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2009:

Now Fox runs shows at minutes five

past hour/half-hour--to trap in hive

viewers for next show.

But my remote goes

'gainst Fox with conflicts--screw that jive!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 86 Days to Go...

So, pending the approval of the judge in his criminal trial, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will be joining the cast of a "reality" TV show.

So, from politician to "reality" TV star... Really not much of a stretch, is it?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/17/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Singin' in the Rain

I'm not talking about the classic movie. Haven't seen it, and that doesn't trouble me too much; not a huge fan of the musical thing... What I AM saying is, this April, get yourself out into the rain, at least when it's warm-ish out.

I had an ex girlfriend who went out of her way to cavort around in the rain, sans umbrella. Was roped into trying it, too, and I guess it was okay but... I'm not on some tree-hugger, nature-nut tangent here, either, although that's all fine and well, if you're game.

My reasoning is... Well, a sizeable number of people apparently don't follow the weather forecasts, not to mention that weather forecasts are often hooey, and you'll catch chicks in white shirts and the like and... See where I'm comin' from now?

Being outside in the rain is a socially acceptable way to catch such cheap thrills--not as slimy as hanging around the exit of a water-based, log/boat amusement park ride. And, honestly, one time I was accidentally caught in a huge freakin' downpour and I found myself surprisingly turned-on like a neon light over all the soaking-wet chicks, with or without white shirts and... Ahem.

So, celebrate nature; yeah...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2009:

A girlie learned 'bout Birds 'n' Bees

from jazz hipster and noted sleaze.

He spared no detail;

hit all, didn't fail--

including kneepads on Bee's Knees!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 85 Days to Go...

So the Golden Arches literally fell down at an Arizona McDonald's and injured a couple.

You know... It would actually make more sense for Morgan Spurlock to make a documentary on THAT Micky D's angle...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2009:

Blagojevich, that washed-up wretch,

seeks "reality" role to fetch

some much needed cash!

Fake, ego-mad trash

from pol? Guess it ain't a big stretch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 84 Days to Go...

When proctologists are gettin' ready to do their thing, do they ever yell out, "Proc 'n' Roll!"?

We sorta hope not.

Ahem.

Well, not only did we neglect to wish you one yesterday, but we weren't quite satisfied that our Extra Cheezy Saturday was cheezy enough so... Happy Extra Cheezy Weekend!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/19/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Once You've Got the Hot Coals..."

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I'm a fan of building fires in my fireplace. Grew up with fireplaces, into the craft-it-yourself, non-gas kind. Blah blah freakin' blah.

And here's a tip: Once you get hot, red coals workin' underneath the grate, you have a perpetual fire that won't stop until you stop feeding it.

I've heard the "hot coals" credo from my father. Over and over and over... And from my uncle. Over and over and over... And from other friends and family, I'm sure.

And if you ever happen to actually, physically hang-out with me, at least in the winter/fall/early spring, at my place... You'll hear that tip again.

And again.

And again.

As a kid, I'd tell myself I wouldn't repeat things like that; that I'd keep an inventory, of sorts, and not repeat old stories and folklore but... Funny how things happen that way, huh?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/19/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The offer of help

 

I want to help everyone I love --

rebuild roofs, be the best listener,

provide shields and vitamins,

books and paints and clay.

 

Blow out every fear with music

and poems, and great food.

Give people keys when they

lock themselves out.

 

Let them know their worth

and brilliance, with softness.

And -- Huh.

I guess I should start with myself.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2009:

Ms. Palin, now left in fame's lurch,

now says global warming research

may well be worth buying

after years denying...

Who's she think she is--Cath'lic Church?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 83 Days to Go...

So the Vatican is working a PR campaign to combat Europe's push for condom use as a preventative AIDS measure.

And why not? The Catholic Church's teachings against birth control have stood firm for centuries.

Centuries of being ignored as silly, of course, but centuries nonetheless...

Speaking of the hopelessly reality challenged... Instead of horoscopes, wouldn't it make as much sense--perhaps more sense--to look at a different year's comic strip--say, "Peanuts"--for each day to prognosticate what lies ahead?

Sure, it's just as ridiculous, but it would at least force a few fruitcakes to get real jobs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2009:

Golden Arches fell, other day.

Lit'rally--hit couple in way!

A rather rare threat

and yet, you can bet--

make better Spurlock expose!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 82 Days to Go...

A new study out of London presents the idea that skinny people save the world. Less farming, greenhouse gases, etc.

Which consequently means, as the study puts it, that "the global trend toward fatness" is rough on the environment.

Now, we've made copious amounts of fun at the expense of our rapidly fat-ass-ifying population and all but... We're starting to think backlash--this study is effectively saying that if you're fat, you're endangering the world.

Suspiciously close to those old T-shirts and bumper stickers with the logo, "Help Keep American Beautiful--Harpoon a Fat Chick"...

Hospital gowns are noted for exposing one's backside. But somebody's setting out to change that.

But rather than... You know, simply adding a bit of cloth, a North Carolina State University design team is receiving financial backing and enlisting researchers to... Hmm.

Hard to imagine why everything related to healthcare is ridiculously and needlessly expensive, isn't it?...

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Noticed that one of my hygiene products proclaims itself, "non-comedogenic."

Hmmm.

Now, I'm sure many DON'T find me funny, but this is nonetheless troublesome for many in the entertainment biz... Except, of course, Rob Schneider...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2009:

So hockey's my new fav'rite game!

My Blackhawks fight Calgary Flames

in first playoff round,

so curse on that town--

your city and players are lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 81 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Today's Limerick is... Well, it's a bit unsportsmanlike. We'll give you that. But when it boils down to it, at heart, blah blah blah, we love all of our Canadian rat bastard Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Also, today's Limerick is Chicago-centric when, of course, we shoot for a national, if not international, angle on things, the vast majority of the time.

So... Well, remember that there's always an exception that proves the rule. As well as, of course, the exception that proves a fool...or tool...or something...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/22/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: English Muffin Trumps Biscuit...

...For breakfast sandwiches, that is.

No contest. Don't wanna hear your pathetic arguments otherwise...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2009:

Docs says if your kid's "vegetarian,"

might be a scam, so best be wary--can

hide eating disorder.

They're pale, shrimps and shorter--

just ain't right... I'm veggie contrarian!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 80 Days to Go...

Whoops! Forgot about Earth Day... Still don't know why they screwed Arbor Day over it, with Arbor Day having been in place for decades before that, and incorporating the same theme, really... But now I guess it's time to gear up for... Take Your Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day?...

So Chicago Dictator... Er, Mayor Richard M. Daley has written a letter to President Obama asking for an airline industry bailout.

Makes as much sense as the other bailouts. Even more, actually--they already have the jets for CEOs to waste money flying around in...

Speaking of Chicago incompetence, Chicago Public Schools are planning to offer "financial literacy" coursework next fall.

So that, you know, students can graduate with TWO forms of illiteracy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2009:

For this year's event, don't dismay--

we'll change it, not keep it at bay,

and see its goal through--

"Take your Daughter to

the Unemployment Office Day"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 79 Days to Go...

We knew this day would come...but were still unprepared for it.

As professionals, theoretically, of the journalism industry, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may well know that one of the main things killing the industry is classified ad revenue. They're now free on the Internet and such.

This week, we saw the first edition of our hometown, regular newspaper, the Chicago Sun-Times, sporting NO "Help Wanted" ads whatsoever.

Oh, for years they've been a joke--mostly the "driver/healthcare" ads. And they've been dwindling--we've seen many days with two or three ads, pathetically trying to look like a true "Help Wanted" section.

But... This is a first. None whatsoever.

There are still some "massage" ads, so maybe we'll have a happy ending to the saga after all...

(Sigh)...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/24/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Episode Titles

In watching an old, aka "classic," TV channel recently, I caught an episode of "Tales from the Dark Side." The show prominently displayed the particular episode's title as it begun.

I like that. I think sitcoms and sketch comedy shows and, well, every entertainment outlet should do the same.

Why, in the last sketch comedy troupe I ran, I enlisted the aid of a bikini- and high-heeled-wearing "Card Girl" to display each sketch's title as it began. It was amazing that I found a chick willing to do that, and she was smokin' hot and all... But I'm digressin' into dangerous territory.

Point is... People spend time crafting those titles. And they're often witty, or add something to the work overall. So even shows like "SNL" should find a way to showcase 'em.

And I will say that our Tech Age has helped with that. You hit the "info" button on your remote-cable dilly and you can see the title! Yay!

Anyway... Titles are cool...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2009:

So much foreplay, a fella plied--

she begged, filthy mouthed, loudly cried,

"God, PLEASE stick your dick in!"

He went down for lickin'...

hit floor--was like a Slip 'n' Slide!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 78 Days to Go...

Ahh, the Internet! Enlightening the people by placing information at the world's fingertips, democratizing media and entertainment! Let's see what new Internet stat the news brings us today:

The most-watched post on YouTube... The music video for Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend."

We take it back...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2009:

Chi-Town's public schools soon will be

teaching "financial lit'racy."

They feel it'd be prudent

that grad'ating students

have TWICE the illiteracy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 77 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Freddie Mac CFO Apparently Kills Himself"

One down... How many bankers to go?...

Okay, we admit that's not very nice but, considering that this economy's undoubtedly caused/hastened deaths and homelessness and... Well, so?...

Checking in on the NBA playoffs... Boston Celtics guard Tony Allen received death threats during a game in Chicago and... Now, we have basketball thugs and European soccer hooligans but, complain as some may about hockey goons, there's something to be said for such violence--at least they keep it in the game itself and nobody gets seriously threatened... In fact, they all shake hands afterward...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/26/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The 24th is Always Rent Day

Whenever it's the 24th of the month... Well, duh! See the title!

See, I lived in a studio apartment for five years, back when I returned to college in my late twenties. The somewhat sleazy building--cheap rent in a pricey neighborhood--did mostly month-to-month leases and didn't bother with prorating, so... Well, my rent was always due on--you guessed it--the 17th.

No, of COURSE it was due on the 24th. So... Well, there ya' go. Could wax a bit more on it, I suppose but won't.

I'd try to beat the creative dead horse more, but even I have my limits...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/26/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Oh sweet no one

 

Oh sweet no one,

you light up my thoughts

and drive me to create.

 

If I could, I would draw

your teeth with a stick,

by the closed up library,

 

and write out the residue of sweat

that doesn't dampen your mouth

or your invisible skin.

 

A forgotten fragrance,

and teasing dreams

that lead nowhere

 

and everywhere.

Oh, we could be happy,

sweet beautiful no one,

 

building homes and rafts

and hills and sunsets

 

for those who exist.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2009:

With bailout fund usage disgraceful

Chi-Town's whackjob major, straight-faced, pulls

clout--says, "Let airlines get

bailout!" 'Least they've got jets

for CEOs to be max wasteful!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 76 Days to Go...

A huge honkin' deal is being made over the "makeover" of British future trivia question answer Susan Boyle and... After viewing the pics, does anybody else find themselves curiously pondering the fable, "The Emperor's New Clothes"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2009:

So Susan Boyle, now in the throes

of Fame's 15 seeks to dispose

of her image, frumpy--

makeover dumps dump

but... Seems the Empress has new clothes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 75 Days to Go...

According the truthout.org, the Big Healthcare is gearing up to ask the government for a bailout.

Why the hell not? And while we're at it, throw some billions at the child molesters, too...

So GM has announced that it's discontinuing the Trans Am.

We had no idea they were still MAKING the Trans Am. Thought Italian guys wearing gold chains and too much cologne had moved on to another form of transport...

And, yes, it's more than okay to make fun of Italians and Italian-Americans. Show us the legitimate discrimination with serious effects and we'll lay off the mobster and Guido jokes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2009:

B-status of hockey, some blame,

on fighting--makes "goon sport," they claim.

Football, NBA?

Play'r rap sheets! I say

'least hockey keeps gooning in-game!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 74 Days to Go...

Open letter to the citizens of Calgary, Alberta, Canada:

Ha ha!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/29/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Smart Choice plastic wrap

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I have no problem whatsoever buying generic or store-brand products. But while most such products are well worth the savings--in fact, silly NOT to buy--there are the exceptions... Which brings us to today's edition.

Smart Choice apparently has a lot of different products. And many are probably superb buys. But their plastic wrap... Well, good luck wrapping anything with it--without using, say, two feet of the stuff to wrap a small container, as it all bunches up and... Anyway, there's your consumer tip for today...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2009:

Internet: Great Democracizer!

Gen. public rules--info, makes wiser!

Most 'Tube hits? 'll'lay on ya':

vid... Advil Lasangna?...

What's name?... Geez, least porn brings ya' riser!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 73 Days to Go...

Let today's Limerick be a lesson to any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers dreaming of one day becoming Chief Limericists... (Although we wouldn't wish that on Simon Cowell...) See, THIS is what happens when you try to say too much in the five lines allowed.

Always seeking a public service angle, you know...

Okay, we've been a little heavy on hockey, and the Chicago angle, lately--but, hey, our team is REALLY in the playoffs, having made it through that ridiculous, more-than-half-of-the-teams-make-the-"playoffs" first round and... Well, on to the Vancouver Canucks. Who happen to play at GM Place.

He hee. Meaning they'll need a bailout, too...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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