Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2009:

Chick was beekeeper to survive;

met ent'mologist at some dive.

But when shown her set-up

dropped trou--wouldn't let up

'til she stuck his cock in a hive.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

In misreading our newspaper TV grid, we happened upon a show called, "America's Bedroom Challenge."

Of course, it was really "America's BALLROOM Challenge," but for a second there, we thought they'd finally produced a "reality" show worth watching.

Within another second, though, we realized that ever if the show WERE "America's Bedroom Challenge," they'd manage to make it contrived and boring anyway...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2009:

A study was kept under wraps

on "distracted" driving--why lapse?

Pols get Big Cell money!

The age of science, honey's

so last century... Hmm? Perhaps!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

One of the NASA astronauts returning to earth is wearing the same underwear he left earth wearing--and he's been wearing it for a month now.

So go ahead and write your own Uranus joke...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/2/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Birthday Miracle

Okay, so I'm taking great liberties with the concept of a "miracle"...but I'm just jumping on the bandwagon, as long as a vague image of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich qualifies these days.

Like most birthdays once one's out of his/her early twenties, it was another low-key event, which is more than fine with me. Some good food, on or around the birthday and/or closest weekend (plus whenever it's appropriate to visit the family around that time, plus sexual antics and I feel sufficiently celebrated.

So my birthday fell on a Tuesday this year and so, for the actual date, I wasn't expecting much. M'Lady slept over and all, but she fell asleep much earlier than I, which is usually the case and... Well, for whatever reason, that was fine with me. I believe she had to work early or something.

Anyway, I sat up by myself, enjoying snacks and old TV, and an episode of "The Honeymooners" literally made my b-day. It's become perhaps my favorite show lately, one of those "new but old" things that I've always liked, but never saw a whole lot of, for whatever reason, so it's all "new to me" and delightful to discover the old-time comic genius, now that it's shown regularly on a local outlet at a time convenient for me.

(You might call me fogey-ish for calling an old show my fave but... For one, anything that's survived 50+ years has done so for a reason, as much as I like to patronize new creative endeavors, being an artist myself. Two, this one is WAY before my time--so it's not like I'm reliving MY past in catching old episodes. And three... Well, "reality" TV is all the rage now--expect freakin' NOBODY to wanna ever relive the first decade of the 2000s, TV-wise.)

Anyway, on this episode, it was Ralph's birthday and... What more do you need to know? I found it very cool. Almost jumped for joy. So despite having nothing material to sell on e-Bay out of it, I'm calling it a "miracle"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/2/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Calendar marks

 

This calendar is covered in pen marks,

important dates circled, others crossed out

where plans broke the months open.

 

A double-back stop and start journey.

Our oars scraping the rocks in shallow water,

not even out of the cove, off the shore.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2009:

New "real'ty" show, "More to Love,"

brings big chicks that lame "Bach'lor" rub.

Who'll tune in? I'm wary--

since they never marry

who wants to see chubs in hot tub?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

As a freelancer and job-seeker (the latter seemingly perpetual)... Oh, Chief Limericist checking-in, here... Why, in this job/economic environment, do companies list, in addition to job "requirements"... Wannabe employees' particulars/experiences that are "desired but not necessary"?

Whom the hell do they think they're kiddin'? With, what, 500 applicants or whatever now for every open position, EVERYTHING listed is a "requirement"--as well as a whole lot that's not listed, as they can pick employees who are right- or left-handed and/or with the ideal shoe size and freakin' blood type in this economy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2009:

"'M'rica's Ballroom Challenge," misread

TV grid, thought "Bedroom," it said!

First thought, "Finally

cool 'reality'!"...

But they'd somehow make it bore-dread!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

A new network TV show, "Face the Ace," combines the, er, um, whatever of "reality" TV and the currently hip-ish world of Poker.

Who says society is declining? This proves that we're evolving to new heights...at least as far as boring "entertainment" is concerned...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2009:

"'M'rica's Ballroom Challenge," misread

TV grid, thought "Bedroom," it said!

First thought, "Finally

cool 'reality'!"...

But they'd somehow make it bore-dread!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

A new network TV show, "Face the Ace," combines the, er, um, whatever of "reality" TV and the currently hip-ish world of Poker.

Who says society is declining? This proves that we're evolving to new heights...at least as far as boring "entertainment" is concerned...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2009:

I'm off on vacation today!

Driving out Colorado way!

Tonight, I'll be camping--

pray'n my chick is vamping

and up for a roll in tent's hay!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2009:

Should reach friends in mountains tonight

thus ending our trapped-in-car plight.

Increased elevation

brings light-head sensation--

and on "Mountin' Time's" quite alright!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2009:

Tryin' to relax--not write--in mountains.

Recharging my creative fountain!

Perhaps... Swim? Hike? Read?

Or some hippie deed?

(On vacation, misdeeds, ain't countin'!)

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2009:

I'm, though this vacation's enlight'ning,

addicted to Limerick writing!

Resisting the rhymes

'mid mountains sublime--

but, damn, these withdrawals are fright'ning!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2009:

Newspapers, refusing to read,

leaves my "Peanuts" books for to feed

my amusement yen

but "Peanuts" does lend

more real-life insights than news leads!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2009:

Today we start homeward road trip.

A camp-out's on night's radar blip.

If the tent's a'rockin'

please don't ya' come knockin'--

I'll pitch TWO tents, setting up ship!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2009:

The final stretch--home tonight, late,

and so much I'll have on my plate!

Post week with M'Lady,

back 'lone 'til next date-y--

if not too tired, I'll masturbate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5-8/11/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

You Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should have noticed that today's edition is a bit different from others. (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

Make sure you note, though, that good ol' Mike didn't slack off this week--there's his regular installment of Sunday's "Mike's Accursed Verse" posted below. Oh, and you get two "Letter to the Idiots" to chew on (or whatever you do with them), also, so quit yer whinin'!

It's not a first--there have been one, two, perhaps three other instances where I posted multiple days' entries at once which, it should be noted, still counts as a "Limerick every day."

In case you haven't noticed--and maybe you haven't, being the type of schmuck who reads something like this site--I'm pretty damn regular with posting these around midnight-ish and/or early in the day (usually the former). And regular in other ways, too, although there's no good reason to go there. Or go there any further, anyway.

The reason for this multi-day entry? I'm on vacation. And you'll be able to see, by the Limericks, what I'm up to on any given day. Sort of.

You may want to check-in every day and read JUST that day's Limerick. That way you can pretend the posts are daily and eagerly anticipate the latest news on my trip!

That trip is to Colorado. With M'Lady. Visiting some friends, so it's close to free, as M'Lady and I are both currently of marginally employed status, with even my freelance gigs grinding to a screeching halt in this delightful ecomy, and thus able to take a trip (and fearing that, should our employment situations change soon--as, Good God, they HOPEFULLY should--we might not have the chance for a while)... Really, it's none of your business.

But as an, er, um...public figure of sorts who chooses to prattle about my life occasionally, I will also tell you that we're driving out, with one of her dogs, and camping for a night on the journey out and back.

And speaking of things you SHOULD have noticed... I just clocked-in with 10 years of this freakin' site last month, so if I've ever deserved a vacation... Other than seeing the parents for a few days in the nearby 'burbs, I haven't even taken a vacation in four years. And my last semi-vacation from Daily Limerick was at least two years before that, if not more.

So I'll be seriously pursuing a recharge as you read this. Writing not even Limericks--in fact, not even buying a newspaper. I may end up jotting down ideas for future "nuggets" somehow, as the life of a writer is a hard one to break but... Well, we'll see.

Bastards...

Okay, okay. We'll leave you with a nugget:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Chronic Depression Ails Kids Young as 3: Study"

So... They spit-up their creamed corn in a manner that cries out, "I'm depressed!"

Aw, why even fight it anymore? All hail Big Pharma!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/5-8/11/2009 (8/9/2009 Edition):

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: No ending

 

We passed beneath a train trestle

on the way to the cemetery. I wanted

a toothpick but there was nothing

to pick out. We lifted the casket

gently and placed it on a support

laid over his open grave --

if you believe in God, the priest said,

this is not a tomb, but an entranceway.

 

But what if you believe in aspects of God,

but not the whole story, and not heaven?

The story is not meant to inspire doubt,

but a stillness, calm reflection.

Turning the story around and around

in your hands, you should find it sturdy,

colorful, faceted, attractive.

 

But what I picture is looking into a pool

of polished rock at the bottom of a deep hole.

Awesome, but hard to see, and too far to reach.

 

This leaves me nowhere.

But the story is not for me.

It is for the faithful

among the mourners. What they profess

brings them comfort. I agree

that no ending makes a better ending.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/5-8/11/2009:

Since we're gypping you out of some content--some nerve, taking an actual vacation after a mere TEN FREAKIN' YEARS with this damn site, every day... We'll feed you bastards a letter:

> Hiya John. Hope all is well with you. So last Century!

> I love that phrase of yours and intend to use it at one

> point. I hope all is well with you. I am coming out of

> a lethargic period due to everything, lack of big bucks

> being a biggie. Getting my cock sucked regularly -- I

> hope that you are too -- but that does not pay the rent.

> If I was an athletic twenty it would. Bye for now.

> Fast Eddy

"So last Century"? I actually hate the phrase. (Chiefy still checked-in, here.) I started using it...er, ironically or whatever, after seeing its over-use by the annoying likes of, say, Lindsay Lohan around 2001... But as long as you're enjoying it, polka on with it!

But, seriously...actually, cancel the "seriously"... If having my cock sucked COULD pay the rent, well, I'd be happy as a clam, although I'm not sure why clams are so damn happy...perhaps because they can so easily retreat into a shell...although, on the other hand, they're so damn tasty, I'd think clams would be perpetually stressed but... In any event, I'm on vacation as you read this... Unpaid vacation, if that makes anybody feel any better...and preparing for this vacation as a write this, so enough already!... But maybe not:

Another letter, this one from Mike, of "Accursed Verse," er, fame, regarding the last Sunday Story Time edition, describing how a silly rerun of "The Honeymooners" wherein it was Ralph's birthday, too, made my Special Day:

> It sounds like you had a great birthday, all told, John.

> I think one of the gifts of "maturing" is being able to

> enjoy things for what they are, not what they could be.

> Kinda like the time I visited you in Chicago and we

> watched that bizarre "heavy breathing" slasher movie

> dubbed in Spanish, while eating deep dish 'za. Yum.

Good point. Remembered the deep-dish, well, but almost forgot about that flick.

Guess that explains that recent, wacko fetish of mine...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2009:

Back from my vacation last night.

Recharged with rest and diff'rent sites.

We're now back to stay--

new Lim'rick each day--

bit bummed now, but soon, you'll delight!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Since this is the first day back after a vacation (Chief Limericist checked-in, here), I'm taking off...

Okay, okay. I've taken enough time off to celebrate a measly TEN YEARS of this Daily grind, so here's your damn nugget...

When the Media covers a funeral shooting, do they really need to mention that it's "gang-related"?... I mean, outside of terrorists, who the hell ELSE shoots somebody at a freakin' funeral?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/12/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Corned Beef Hash Burgers

Here's a tip for you derelicts:

Corned beef hash burgers.

Mix a standard-size can of corned beef hash with a pound or so of ground beef. Grill (duh!).

As the hash is a bit fattier than ground beef, you'll get some drippin's, which'll make the grilling area all smoky. Tell the neighbors to fuck-off, courtesy of Daily Limerick, and, naturally, enjoy. Bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2009:

"Experts" say depression assails

those as young as...three? "Foul," I'd wail

'cause that just ain't right!

But... Seems losing fight.

So, screw it--Big Pharma, all hail!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2009:

An observation on Iowa... (Having just returned from a road trip-to-Colorado vacation, you'll be hearing more about it in the coming days...weeks...):

Perhaps in keeping with the balancing laws of science--every action has an equal and opposite reaction, balance of nature, etc.--the push to be progressive/liberal is checked by an equal and (seemingly) opposing urge to be... Well, Iowa recently dropped all sorts of jaws by legalizing gay marriage.

And Iowa rest stops? Outdoors? Wide open spaces? Lousy with "no smoking" signs.

Apparently, you can't be "liberal" these days without becoming a Nazi in other ways--even if it's only a Health Nazi...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2009:

A fusion of trends, the show's plight--

"Face the Ace" brings poker new light

through "reality."

Doubt progress? Well, gee--

at least boredom's hitting new heights!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2009:

With my own recent vacation still fresh in mind...and the annoyingly preponderant usage of the word "staycation" raging along with the economic toilet swim... Do serial killers take "slay-cations"?...

Do veterinarians take "spay-cations"?...

If you stay home and have sex, is that a "lay-cation"?...

Do preachers take a "pray-cation"?...

Oh, enough! Happy Extra Cheezy... Oh, wait. It's not Saturday... Then again, I'm still in catch-up hell following that vacation so...

Happy Extra Cheezy FRIDAY, screwtoads!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/14/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Grammys Kill Polka

Actually, the Grammys have just killed the polka category.

Which is more than fine by me.

I'm a polka fan. Perhaps I'd care if I considered the Grammys to be of a relevance level equivalent to, say...new models of typewriters?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2009:

Soldier, home from war's foreign lands,

went straight home to wife--sex his plan.

Sleeping, couldn't mind him,

so she woke to find him

with TWO kinds of discharge in hand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2009:

Whaddaya call a fry cook who steals your newspaper because he can't afford his own copy?

Give up?

A journalism major! Bwaa-haa-haw...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2009:

Degree, trained from classes and books,

gives leg-up 'gainst the common schnook.

But mine's...journalism.

So fact-finding wisdom

will be put to use as...fry cook?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2009:

So, it seems the economy is turning around, if slowly... It's been a lovely summer--cool at night; I've only had to use the ac for a couple of days... Starting to think the world is wonderful again!

Hmm... What's that Chicago Sun-Times headline?:

"Underfunded NASA Can't Spot Most Killer Asteroids"

Well, what you don't know about can't...er...um...

Okay, now. Although we need not remind you... Well, we will anyway:

We're all for environmentalist initiatives. Completely and utterly. We agree with majority of scientists on global warming...blah blah blah.

But... Well, just read of a "Green Music Festival."

What? All bands' instruments are biodegradable?

Stop it.

Stop it NOW...

File this as yet another nugget under We Thought We Were Using Ridiculous Exaggeration as a Humor Device--But it Came True:

Some rat bastards in the SF Bay area, seeking freelance writers, are actually demanding that only Harvard alums need apply.

Oh, and it's NOT some wing of Harvard, but a freakin' GAME COMPANY seeking writer/proofreaders.

They're hiding the company's name behind Craig's List ads, but for the next week or so you can let 'em know what you think via e-mail through:

job-taxkk-1323874444@craigslist.org

And we'll try again and hope we're only joking... Your Goddamned shoe size is now important in today's job market...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/16/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Birthday Carol

The idea of a story as a "carol," ala, of course, the Dickens thing, seemingly hasn't been overdone. Therefore, we're starting the ball rolling with that today, for that reason alone.

Now, my ex-wife and I, having divorced five years ago this coming January, keep "in touch." Meaning we exchange water cooler-level words, usually via e-mail, around the holidays and our birthdays.

My birthday is May 19. My wife called and left a message wishing me a "happy birthday" this year...on May 20.

No mention of being a day late.

No need to elaborate further...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/16/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Long live sonic terror!

 

I dreamed about tornadoes again

but it was sexy, not scary.

I pounded down the stairs

with my lover, amid panicked people

from the other apartments,

racing to the basement laundry room

as the slow, lazy curl of the funnel

twirled over us and around us

and detonated the building.

 

I woke with a start, earbuds in.

The churn and the cold heat

of the terrifying beauty in my dream

had changed into a street lined

with guitars sounding the air raid

sirens -- but at half speed,

so the alarm was erased, only the

all covering texture remained.

No, wait, these sounds

 

were the storm and the alarm

mixed together, inseparable from

the fears of the people. Sonic terror

pulsing strangled wisps of clouds

and sheets of drenching rain

over the now-flooding streets.

I did not want to leave this feeling,

but gradually it dissipated,

and the song twisted into a dark rainbow.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2009:

With overuse of term "staycation"...

That Pitino dude? Sought elation--

tore piece off, on table!

Now wishes were able

to just take a freakin' "lay-cation"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2009:

So Archie, from the titular, long-running comic books, is now set to finally decide between Betty and Veronica, having apparently opted for proposing marriage to... Veronica.

My, my, my. Imagine the debates that went on among the writers before arriving at THAT decision. Rich vs. simple, high- vs. low-maintenance, blonde vs. brunette?

Some are pissed that their beloved Archie is making a decision between the two at all--a move that forever alters a comic that has changed little in, what, 50 years or so?

That bothers us a bit, too, but the main thing troubling us is this:

Why in the hell wasn't Daily Limerick invited to that focus group?...

Being a little sick of everyone whining about getting older and all...about time passing...how things changing... Oh, and we're especially nauseous hearing the phrase, "You're not getting any younger"... We have couple reminders for you:

Time never moves backwards...

And... Always remember you have do have a choice in the matter. If you're THAT unhappy with growing holder, you can always indulge your other option and...die.

So quit yer whinin'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2009:

O'er aging, most folks moan and cry--

"Boo hoo! Can't remain young and spry!"

But fore eyes turn moist,

you've options, a choice--

can either grow older or...die!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Is Obama Giving Up on Public Option?"

Our short answer to this question, which pertains to health care "reform," is: yes.

But, really, with a vast majority of the American public, business community, etc. all pissed off at the same-old, same-old, Obama's going out of his way to satisfy the most needy of citizens...Big Healthcare and its lobbyists, campaign donations...

We were reading the other day about an Internet music service, Pandora, which "predicts" songs and artists you might like based on songs/artists you choose to play. Via a complex system, musical artists fill out questionnaires about their songs, style, lyrics, etc. and all of that's used to scientifically quantify your taste and... Hmm.

Okay. We'll hold back. Not gonna cry, "Big Brother"--we're just being old fashioned. This is how the New Tech Age works.

Okay, so Pandora's system is called the "Music Genome Project" and... Genome?

Okay, if everybody else is apparently cool with this, well... We'll crap you pants FOR you...

We've been at this site for more than 10 years now but... Well, we still don't really know what we're doing. At least as far as the tech side of a Web site, not to mention the marketing side.

That is... Well, LOOK at the freakin' thing. Looks like a high school project Web site, circa 1992, to boot. No video, we're rarely linkin' to stories and stuff... Oh, and SEOs... Search Engine Optimization, for those even more tech-hopeless than us. We're not thinking on that level, either.

Good SEO usage is making sure the content/text contains references to terms that people are likely to search out. But we ain't gonna sell out and ruin the, er, artistic integrity of Daily Limerick. Uh-uh.

Who do you think we are, Ashley Simpson? Jon and Kate? Contestants on "Dancing with the Stars"? Do you think we're selling Viagra or acai berry junk? Or perhaps you're under the hopelessly mistaken presumption that we're purveyors of nude pics of Megan Fox or free credit reports or offering to bring you mortgage savings under President Obama's stimulus package or...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2009:

'Round Congress, the lobbyists swarm,

so health care "change" will be lukewarm.

"Vict'ry" Dems will claim

though pub. option's maimed...

New word loses meaning--"reform."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2009:

We've been adjusting to the fusion of politics and Hollywood for some time now and are both proud and sad to say that we've come to grips with it.

But now, former long-time U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay is joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars."

"Regular" Hollywood's one thing. But we're not sure we'll EVER adjust to a fusion of politics and "reality" TV...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/19/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Where's the Regular Cheez-Its?

Back around Easter, I wrote about the near impossibility of finding a Cadbury Cream Egg. How I could find "caramel" eggs and "Snickers" eggs and "almond coconut" eggs and every type short of "foie gras and pheasant"...but NOT the original. The one that started it all.

So now I find the same problem with Cheez-It. Found them on sale at my local grocer and, since I buy few things that AREN'T on sale, picked some up for the snacking and... Had to settle on "Cheddar Jack," as the closest to the original, since I could find "Spicy" Cheez-It, "Nacho" Cheez-It, "Parmesan"... You get the idea. Everything BUT the original, beloved Cheez-It.

I've also noticed this problem with A1 sauce. I appreciate all the "Bold" and "Black Peppercorn" and all that but... Same problem.

Just so you're aware. There's a full-on, raging Lack of Original Beloved Flavors crisis going on--with no hope of a freakin' bailout anytime soon...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2009:

So "Archie" jumps through marriage hoop--

Veronica o'er Betty's scoop!

Turn, many contestin'!

But my major question's

why I was not in focus group!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2009:

Okay, okay. Maybe we should lay off the economy/job search jokes but, for now, we can't help ourselves:

Whaddaya call a job in this economy that DOESN'T have at least 100 applicants?

Give up?

An unpaid internship!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2009:

Damn marketers aiming to please! It's

all new flavors--orig'nal tease-it!

Store shelves make me blue!

Hard finding tried, true--

where's original A1, Cheez-Its...?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2009:

So the International Association of Athletics Federation may be enacting a "gender test" now that African track star Caster Semenya... Well, there's doubt that she...he...whatever is really a woman.

Do you think they'll produce an at-home version for guys picking up chicks in certain neighborhoods?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/21/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Steroid Fan Conventions

Sports fans, isn't about time, with all the various types of fan conventions going on, that somebody started a Fan Steroid Convention?

With special talks and autograph sessions with the likes of A-Rod and Manny Ramirez, perhaps the kick-off for a Sports Hall of Shame, auctions where you could by stuff like a syringe that had once been in Mark McGwire's buttocks?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2009:

Gay Quentin was guy-boinkin' demon

and type that got his eyes a beamin'?

Though any type nailer

he really dug sailors--

could say he was partial to seamen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2009:

This just in...:

Hand jobs are underrated.

Yes. Er...breaking news.

But, seriously, we know they're generally viewed as the lowest on the Totem Pole of Pleasure, but a good hand job--both hands, one working the, um...the other... You know what we mean. Or if you don't, you should.

Let that be your assignment, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Go out and find out what we mean!

So... Yeah...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2009:

Ex-pol Tom DeLay soon will be

on "Dancing With Stars"--fright'ning me!

Adjusted to politics

goin' Hollywood but it

spells doom to go "real'ty"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2009:

It's time for... Daily Limerick adds a deck (preceding lead-in) headline to a mainstream news headline, to increase Slapper Yapper Grasshopper understanding of current events:

Amid the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, with national and local governments crying broke, your tax dollars are being spent hand-over-fist tracking down victimless crime ala (Chicago Sun-Times headline)--

"Record Drug Bust"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/23/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Helicopter Seeds

When I was a child, I actually looked forward to playing with those helicopter seeds. The ones that come from maple trees, with a large, heavy seed at the bottom and a light form of wing at the top? You throw 'em in the air and they float down, spinning like... Well, like helicopters.

I didn't know what type of tree they came from--in fact, I didn't until writing this edition, after goin' a'Googlin'--only that they were all over my grandma's yard.

Now, I realize they aren't all that rare. M'Lady's current apartment, for instance, has them all over the backyard. But I'll still take the opportunity to toss one up in the air when I stumble across them.

Of course, I can no longer dub an afternoon "entertaining" due to the mere presence of helicopter seeds, but that happens when you reach adulthood, I guess.

Oh, to find happiness in simple helicopter seeds again! It would make life so much simpler and carefree...in a nice, soft straightjacket...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/23/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Swimming in the sky

 

We're swimming in the sky,

above the clouds.

The sky out the plane is now

all of the sky. The cloud mass

below us is impenetrable ground.

And below that must be the sea.

 

While our shadow is passing

over gray peaks whipped up

by the wind, you are floating

in your liquid houses. Watching

TV. Brushing your teeth

with plankton and weeds.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2009:

"Won't die from downturn, unemployed!"

Optimists can get me annoyed!

Since NASA's so broke

can't help us, no joke

if on path for killer ast'roid!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2009:

Is it still the law that pedestrians have the right of way?

We know it's not as important as, say, parking ticket revenue to enforce, but just checking...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2009:

Thought with degree'd, live lean, not fat...

Survived while, my trade now old-hat...

Journ'lism degreed?

Knew not, more I'd need

to 'void job's, "You want fries with that?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2009:

Yeah, yeah, yeah... At some point we should stop making cracks about job ads, with all of us knowing "the situation," especially as it pertains to writers/journalists... But we stumbled across a new one.

Yeah, blogging makes sweatshop wages look good, but to spotlight a gig's "attraction" with... Well, "There is no cost to apply"?

We're thinkin' that journalism programs should now be including a class in "Enunciation," where one learns to properly utter key phrases for a future career, such as, "Would you like fries with that?"...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Limerick's the same gag as the S&Y nugget... We usually, of course, throw out the nugget gag first, then make it Limerick fodder but... Well, consider it the exception proving the rule. Or some form of e-Collectors' Edition Daily Limerick, or something... Yeah, we fucked-up and don't wanna fix it right now, but need me remind you of Thomas Edison?... (We're not sure how that reference applies, but we're sticking with it)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2009:

So African runner's "sex testing"

to make sure she's chick, since she's besting

the rest. Seems TOO good.

In some pick-up 'hoods

home version'd quash tranny molestings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2009:

Since we prefer to have our news, and especially our "news," not screamed at us, we're just learning about this by-the-book partisan TV cat, Glenn Beck.

He's in the news lately for his especially "extremist" viewpoints. Happens to be a partisan moron of the conservative variety, so that entails stuff like Obama being a Muslim and a Communist. Blah blah, yawn yawn.

But in a nation that needs to hear ALL viewpoints, we find it troubling that advertisers are bailing on his screech fest.

This is allegedly how Free Speech "stablizes" itself--thanks to the free market of advertising, the system is supposed to filter out the nutballs. Keeps viewpoints within "moderate" parameters.

So it's up to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to decide how they feel about this. Whether, like most Americans, you just yawn and tune-in a reality show, whether you support advertiser boycotts of Beck--or whether you get all pissed off and defend Beck, regardless of whether or not you agree with his opinions.

Making sure the public dialogue floats "moderate" helps ensure that "extremists" don't do anything like, oh, actually CHANGE something like health care appreciably--which, of course, would cut off the feeding trough for some of those advertisers. Because the system truly works--just ask, say, the drug companies...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/26/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Blue Collar Snacking Incident

I've been buying ice cream for my Snack Wagon this summer.

I know, I know--real surprise, someone indulging in ice cream during the summer months. But as a creature of habit, well used to stocking candies and/or cookies and/or chips and/or other salty snacks regularly, sometimes ice cream slips my mind, believe it or not. Especially since its off-season runs almost nine months of the year.

For any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who might share in some of my unfortunate habits, there's a tip--stock some ice cream in the home freezer.

Now, I live alone and the only person I'll actually share my ice cream with is M'Lady, so I eat it straight from the (usually 1.5 quart) container. In vigorously enjoying my ice cream one night, I thus poked a hole in the side of the tub with my spoon.

I was unsure how to deal with the tragedy. Couldn't throw the ice cream out, didn't feel like going hog wild and finishing the tub... Scoop it into a plastic container?... Seemed a lot of work.

So I thought of my old, around-the-house friend--duct tape.

So... Well, sorry, I can't resist:

If you have a container of ice cream in your freezer with a hole in the side covered by duct tape...you MIGHT be a redneck...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2009:

Seems each day sports news brings new mention--

performance enhancement suspension!

Tradition indicts it

but I say, why fight it?

Sell Steroids in Sports Fan Convention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2009:

As a writer with a journalism degree, and experience in many auxiliary areas, such as grant writing, legal work, etc., I find myself checking all sorts of job sites and categories in my search for (at least) part-time work to supplement my freelance income because, sometimes, writing-related work is found under, oh, say, "legal" or "admin" or what-have-you.

I find myself thinking it'd be sooo much easier if one site out there could serve my needs--assuming, as I do, that many others share my job-seeking particulars.

Ah, to have one site rather than the handful I have to comb, mostly fruitlessly, on a daily basis! Why, in thinking about the types of jobs I regularly look into, it could be given a catchy, relevant name like... ShitJobs.com?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2009:

Those keywords make Web traffic flow.

Terms like, "Jon & Kate" we should throw!

Or "Megan Fox nude!"

"Viagra!"... But, dudes--

won't (stimulus cash) stoop so low!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2009:

Experts are now saying that up to half of the U.S. population will be infected with Swine Flu in the coming year.

Sheesh. Will it be the same half of the population that's now infected with the expert-predicted Bird Flu and SARS?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/28/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Embraceables

How does one describe the Embraceables?

More importantly, how does one who didn't take any notes on their performance, busy with emceeing the show (and often prone to daydreaming to begin with), and one who, most importantly, is the Worst Music Critic on the Planet, describe the Embraceables? (And cut me some slack here--haven't reviewed music in...has it been months?)

Well, from what I remember, the music was simple, but in a good way--melodic, catchy and, most of all, fun. And that's my most important point here--they're more fun than a barrel of lubed-up monkeys and while their music is delightful, if at all possible, ideally you'll see them live. (Probably difficult if you live outside the Chicago area, but recommended in any event.)

They all sing and jump about. The lead singer (or semi-lead singer; they all admirably contribute, vocally) chick strapped on a big old bass drum at some point... Oh, the jocularity!

So check 'em out at:

http://www.myspace.com/theembraceables

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2009:

Some say, "Might as well've masturbated!"

But done skillfully, I'm well sated!

Palms, lube, tease, ten fingers--

unique thrills for dinger--

I say the hand job's underrated!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2009:

Earlier this week I--Chief Limericist checked-in, here--had an irritation in my eye and actually, get this, used eye drops for their intended purpose. Relieving irritation!

Because, er... Actually, it was Fred the Intern who used them for this "intended purpose." Not even sure why that's funny, myself... And, really, I have NO idea when the hell Fred's internship is finally up...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2009:

A horror flick host named Svengoolie

'mong his ilk, does happen to rule-y!

Takes breaks from each flick

to play with...some shtick--

oft corny, but he's local jewel-y!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2009:

Today's Limerick... Well, I guess you can just do a search on Svengoolie but, then again, you ARE Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... He hosts horror flicks on Channel 26 WCIU here in Chicago, may be syndicated... Anyway, he fills you in on movie facts around the commercials, throws in corny shtick, including parody songs... A delight.

I grew up watching the guy--Chief Limericist checking in, here--and, always on the hunt for publicity, figured I'd pen one for him and... There you go.

Good way to kill another S&Y section, too, ya' gotta admit...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/30/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My U of I "Girls"

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I have many tales regarding my first, failed, drug- and bad attitude-addled attempt at college, at the University of Illinois, back in the late '80s.

If you're a newer SYG, or just wanna refresh yourself, go a'Goolin'--the tales are in the Archives.

While my first go at living on my own at school is in many ways a common tale--partying to excess, for instance--in other ways it was atypical. Well, maybe not, but it didn't fit the college life legend in that... Well, I was a total schmuck with the babes.

So since there were some women with whom I sorta tried to get romantic with at school, none of whom constitute enough of a story for a full edition (with the exception of the Puzzler, already in the 'Chives, and the Blue Baller, likewise in the 'Chives somewhere), but all/some of whom have interesting tales behind them, I thought I'd run down these U of I girls of mine in one edition...

There was... Oh, I'll call her Flip Flops. Don't recall her real name or giving her any sort of nickname. She was in my rhetoric class freshman year. I had the hots for her but, as a total dweeb, didn't talk to her in class. I looked up her number in the student phonebook and called her once, playing a David Lee Roth tune ("I'm Easy"...sheesh) in the background. Turned out she had a boyfriend and that was that...

There was a chick in the New Student Guide whose number I looked up and called. Now, that COULD have been a smooth move--"You were the most beautiful chick in the whole Guide so I HAD to call you!"--but... Well, I was an expert at geeking up even the seemingly ungeekable so, end of story, really...

There was this totally weird chick whose weirdness kinda turned everyone off but who WAS physically attractive. I remember that she painted her nails green which, at the time anyway, was rare and, well, weird. I somehow managed to get myself invited to her dorm room because she was actually a rare chick who'd played Dungeons & Dragons (oh, was I a prize) but... Well, I was too nervous to make the hit, and that was that...

There was a chick at a dorm dance (the dance considered geeky even by preppy standards) who was smokin' hot and whom I managed to dance (horribly) with (and I was an anti-dancing metal head)... Well, she isn't even vaguely important in the Life of Sloop, but I remember that I convinced my dorm-mate to hit on her hideous friend, so we could move in as a pair, and THEY ended up making out, while I got nowhere (man were we liquored)...

There were two chicks WAY out of my social league I'll mention, White Teeth and Liz. The frightening thing about White Teeth was that, with her hairstyle and all, she looked a LOT like Bon Jovi, despite being hot and unmistakably female. We'd sit and lust after the two of them at our dorm cafeteria table. I only mention Liz because I actually TALKED to her once or twice, meekly of course, and she was actually nice to me...

There was my rhetoric teacher whom I lusted for. I'd engage in little "homework flirts," like writing her name, as part of the top-of-homework protocol, as "The Lovely and Talented Ms. Anne W..." I asked her out at one point... Over the phone, I think? Got a "no," of course...

There were the Sticky Panties Chicks. Me and my dorm-mate got a call from them, out of nowhere. They said they knew us, thought we were cute, blah blah yadda. But they were mysterious and never revealed their identities. They even said they were so hot talking to us that they'd thrown their panties in the air--and the panties stuck to the ceiling. Now, of course, I still suspect that this was a prank and even have some prime suspects from my dorm floor as instigators (no leads on who the chicks were that they undoubtedly enlisted) but... Never got to the bottom of this so, technically, you could say they MIGHT have been into us...but I wouldn't bet on that...

There were the chicks who called me Def, because they thought my horrible metal hair made me look like the singer from Def Leppard. I really wanted to get with one of them but really, need I say more?...

And there's only one other "U of I girl" I can think of now worth mentioning: Jeanette. And... While there's certainly a story there, it's worthy of its own entry. However, it's rather dark. I'm sure I could dark-humor it up but, so far, I've questioned whether Daily Limerick's the best place for it.

And really, I'm feeling pathetic enough in writing this edition, so we'll call this the end of yet another Sunday Story Time...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/30/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Soft, blue-green world

 

Do you see the pale,

skeletal figure in the distance

lighting the world in blue-green

flames?

 

I fear I am the only one who can see him:

his sideways grin and eye sockety gaze.

The flames lick up cold, innocuously,

like seawater.

 

Ir has the sensation of a mirage.

I try to focus in on one of his features,

the contour of his ribs under his ragged coat,

but he is exactly too far away to see clearly.

 

And I can't hear his voice -- I can't hear

the flames that are his voice -- but the world is

going up, glowing, a soft fireball, opening, burning,

but still.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2009:

Jobs I apply for ain't the bomb.

I'm "too good for" them--might say Mom m

 

Check mass sites to find them

it'd help to combine them

into one called, "ShitJobs.com"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2009:

So famous woman-beater (with a side career as a singer, we've heard) Chris Brown has been "sentenced" to a year of group counseling.

Just to take stock... So, we send drug addicts to prison...and perpetrators of violent assault to therapy?...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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