Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2009:

An elf chick felt she was all-thumbs

so tied ribbon with mouth and gums.

Said Santa, "While at it..."

and soon a "glue" splat hit--

from most festive of "sugar plums"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2009:

Why can't Michaele Salahi sneak into MY house?...

Although this presents an interesting situation to ponder.

See, at first, we thought, "Who could possibly be lower on the Cultural Totem Pole than a 'wannabe "reality" star'"?... But then again, in this case, perhaps the wannabe IS a notch higher in the gutter, considering that they're NOT making a talentless, attention-whore bore out of themselves for all the poor-taste-addled TV viewer world to see?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2009:

These festive times bring lustful yearnings

but take care to still be discerning!

Your Love Candy Cane

needs pleasure...not pain!

And ONE Yule Log shouldn't be burning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2009:

There's a move afoot in the U.S. Congress to officially remove terms like "mental retardation" from federal law books, replacing them terms such as "intellectual disability."

The move is bi-partisan, sponsored by Senators Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) and Michael Enzi (R-Wyo.)...an obvious pair of overly P.C. retards...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/2/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Mayo vs. Miracle Whip?

Miracle Whip is engaging in a massive campaign to make the sandwich/cooking option seem hip. This has revived the age-old...er, well, decades old question of Mayo vs. Miracle Whip. So it's high time for Daily Limerick to weigh-in on the matter.

Problem with trying to hip-up a condiment is that... Well, your tastebuds don't CARE about such things.

Mayo rules, Miracle Whip tastes like crap.

Just presenting the facts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2009:

We all know of Frosty the Snowman--

how Christmas cheer he stokes to grow, man!

But few know there's 'nother

magic one--his brother

the flaming gay Frosty the Blow Man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2009:

If you ever read or see or hear one of those news stories about, say, some ridiculous act of barbaric primitiveness in, say, the Mid East or somewhere, and find yourself smug about living in such an enlightening nation... Reacquaint yourself with late-night talk radio.

Just for 15 minutes or so.

That's all it takes...

Really...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2009:

They slipped past security, mocking

Secret Service (missed their due blocking).

I'd like, for Christmas,

that Salahi priss

to crash my house--stuffed in hot stockings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2009:

Food Network "star chef" Guy Fieri is actually freakin' TOURING, with a DJ workin' while he cooks and cocktails and... Ahem.

Again, Daily Limerick told ya' so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This may be a topic for our Wednesday "Eat It!" section but... We've gotta put an end to these "celebrity chefs"--and fast. What kind of world do we want our children to live in?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/4/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Special Effects Can Be a Cop-Out

Saw the new Godzilla recently. Great special effects but... Well, look to today's title.

Prefer the old Godzilla flicks. Likewise, after viewing the newer "Bram Stoker's Dracula"... Well, as any true horror (or film) geek knows, before technology brought us kick-ass special effects, Hollywood types had to work with obscure techniques like... Oh, plot, say? Decent writing? Silly, old-fashioned stuff like that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2009:

One brother of Frosty the Snowman's

eccentric--a wild-livin' showman!

The hip, scenester chicks know

of his peccadillo--

and they call him, "Frosty the Toe Man"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2009:

Performer Sara Tode has, er, mounted a one-woman show called, "The D-Cup Diatribes," which is all about... Well, breasts.

And speaking of "mounting"... Naw, too easy. In fact, maybe we'll just leave the news nugget at that for an Extra Cheezy Saturday.

Wouldn't wanna make boobs of ourselves.

Ahem.

Best to just focus on Christmas mammaries. You know, now that there's a nip in the air and all.

Well, we tried to resist, anyway...

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2009:

If you think, "U.S.! Modern--way to go!"

when hearing of some Third World dillio

'bout primitive thugs.

To lessen your smug

go listen to bit of talk radio!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2009:

Tiger Woods has managed to one-up Kobe Bryant in the Cheapening the Meaning of Marriage category by actually PAYING his wife to stay with him.

(Yeah, lately we've been providing links to stories for you screwtoads but, really, it's hard to hide from THIS story.)

Although we think it ridiculously silly, last we checked, prostitution was still illegal...

Arlington, Tenn. mayor Russell Wiseman has claimed that the timing of Obama's Afghanistan speech purposefully aimed to knock "A Charlie Brown Christmas" off the air because he's a Christian-hating, secret evil Muslim.

This is becoming more and more common. The appearance of news stories which, try as we may to crack wise, we can't make any wackier...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/6/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I Feel So Violated

Why?

M'Lady found my Internet bookmarked porn.

She doesn't care--I'm never going to be in some unrealistic relationship where a chick disrespects the man-porn relationship. ALL men use porn, they create "fantasy" porn if they don't have the physical/digital variety... Won't go into that again here. If you need it explained, get in touch with a little thing called, "reality."

Nonetheless... It makes me feel funny. Perhaps because society forces porn into a dirty, secretive area. Which, don't get me wrong, adds to the fun.

(Sigh.)

How can we empower ourselves on this issue, guys? Sick of the Woman keepin' me down...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/6/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: 11 Amherst

 

My old apartment parking space

was beneath a heavy, high tree.

 

She seemed to stitch blankets

out of her dried, curled leaves.

 

She would tuck my car in at night,

against the bristling, scurrying wind.

 

Each morning I'd break apart the cover:

crunching the crackling color she'd shed.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2009:

All Frosty's kin goes with the flow, man.

His one cousin follows the dough, man--

meets hot-ass Snowchicks;

sets them up for tricks--

and he's known as Frosty the Ho' Man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2009:

Qualifying as "good news" at this point in time, a story this week announced that job cuts are at their lowest level in two years.

Then again, perhaps its indicative of the fact that... Well, there aren't so many jobs around right now which can still BE cut...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2009:

Frosty's kin? Diversity flows, man!

Black cousin--though "skin's" albino, man!

He's keepin' it real

with black scene appeal--

and they call him Frosty the 'Fro Man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2009:

This just in... Some of us here at Daily Limerick would much rather prefer to share underwear than a computer and/or computer desk...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2009:

Most are jolly in Frosty's Snow Clan--

but one has an evil and woe plan!

He threatens our lives

for cash! Red tape thrives

in clutch--Frosty the HMO Man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2009:

Guys, the "National Coalition for Men," at least on some counts, is working against us.

Read a Chicago Sun-Times letter to the editor, Dec. 7, from one Joe Soltys of the NCM.

He was sniveling about a cartoon by the Sun-Times' Jack Higgins of Dec. 3 that depicted Tiger Woods' wife and a golf club and... Guess prissy pants finds violence against men to be a non-laughing matter.

That's, of course, the job of those working for these kinds of organizations.

Are there legitimate gripes about the treatment of men these days--in an age where every minority is celebrated and it's mostly Open Season on groups like men? Of course.

But seizing grants and donations for stuff like this (money that might otherwise fund organizations that might give someone like the Chief Limericist, checked-in here, a sorely needed JOB had they those extra funds--which would go a lot farther for helping this man)? Whining about word choice and seeking to further limit the concepts we're "allowed" to joke about?

Just take the abuse, guys. We don't wanna join THAT parade...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/9/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Am I an Anti-Vampire?

Many Eastern Europeans are munching garlic, in public, "like apples," as a folksy way to combat the threat of Swine Flu.

Which has gotten me thinking... While a lot of people avoid eating garlic, and onions for that matter, say...on a date, I don't.

No way in hell I'm ordering, say, a hotdog without onions.

By the same token, I have no problem with chicks munching the stuff, either.

In short, ladies, you can eat garlic in my bed--and not get kicked-out. Especially if you bring me some, too...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2009:

Though pushovers, Heat and Snow Misers

can work ill if moves aren't done wiser.

And now things turn sinister

since they've administered

an evil pairing with Pfizer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2009:

Maybe the ScyFy Network show "Ghost Hunters" should take a break from its mumbo jumbo antics--and make itself useful by searching for that alleged, elusive "Public Option" that's reportedly defying death...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2009:

Though faithful, at times, old Kris Kringle

does long for the days he was single.

Christmas rounds for him'd lead

down many a "chimney"--

and the ladies dubbed him, "Kris Tingle"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2009:

Rapper 50 Cent is reportedly dying to record a duet with...Susan Boyle?

Excuse us for passing on the witter capper for this news nugget. We've got a really ugly image to get out of our heads...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/11/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Neil Diamond Sucks Christmas Taint Kick-Ass!

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, but Neil Diamond is the least Christmasy performer on Earth.

NOT because he's a Jew--Irving Berlin, yadda yadda blah blah. Because his voice is just anti-Christmas. Growlin', housewife-seducin' bastard.

So knock it off with the Neil Diamond Christmas tunes. EVERYONE... NOW...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2009:

Now some angels do their own thing--

for Christmas, own brand of joy bring!

Like those led my Harold

who digress from carols and...

Man, do Harold's Angels swing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Casual Sex Not Bad For Mental Health"

So... Aww, we'll just leave you with that to start your weekend...

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2009:

For Christmas, wish Santa would bring

a gift for... Well, gift for my thing!

Guests--like Jacob Marley

from Santa...and Charlie--

Hark! Herald "Charlie's Angels" fling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2009:

I was looking through one of those "Christmas Gift Guide" thingies the other day and felt... Ho hum. (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

Not "ho hum" in general--I'm festive as all shit for the Christmas Season. But "ho hum" about the gift guide. See, I rarely need such guides for my own gift-giving, but I used to marvel at some of the ideas, especially the techy ones.

But I guess we've reached a point where nothing makes me think, "Wow--they can do THAT now?" A remote-controlled wildebeest hit stores--one that gives massages? Of course. About as surprising as, "It looks like snow." Dancing refrigerator? Toothbrush with GPS? Phone app that reminds you to wash behind the ears and around the taint in the shower?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/13/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Gay Porn Etiquette

Although today's title is a bit misleading... It has a, er, nice ring to it. Or something.

See, I live with an idiot. (Full story coming to future Sunday Story Times.) Anyway, he's a homosexual, a full-on lush and sometimes he watches gay porn. Which is all fine and good, except that, while he keeps his room door closed and all, he blares the volume. Which really violates GENERAL etiquette. Regarding true "gay porn etiquette... I'd rather not go there.

In fact, I don't wanna hear ANYBODY'S porn. Gay, straight, kinky, fetish. None of it. I'm often annoyed by audio on my own porn, honesty. Unless, of course, it's that slurping and... Ahem.

Let's leave it at that. What a way to start the day...and the afternoon...and the early evening... Overhearing the grunts of man-on-man...ick.

As another attempt at a "touching" Sunday tale goes up in flames...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/13/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Hotel TV in San Antonio

 

(music)

(screams)

The world's longest lasting

battery. One of the biggest

 

upsets in World Cup history.

In Las Vegas. They are

so short on guards.

 

The pressure of the spinal fluid.

 

Are you saying goodbye

or closing a deal? (laughter)

The cause of unforeseen

circumstances.

 

She's innocent.

 

(Spanish)

More than its fair share of snow;

in fact the  most in the town's

 

history.

 

He was one of the best

gamblers ever.

(laughter)

According to

intelligence sources.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/13/2009:

Chuckles here checks-in with this:

> Susan Boyle and 50 Cent. Not so strange considering

> what is going on everywhere everyday.  Happy Holi-lays

> ...Fast Eddy Rubin

This missives regards our recent observation on the Susan Boyle-50 Cent duet possibility and how I, Chief Limericist, get this image in my head and... Ugh.

Damn you, Ed Rubin! I'm just hoping the same freakin' image is now in your "visions of Happy Holi-lays dancing" head...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2009:

I'll play Christmas tunes 'til I faint

but I've got one major complaint!

Drop one pop voice from list

as world's worst for Christmas--

Neil Diamond sucks pure Christmas Taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2009:

We don't feel so bad anymore about Congress diddling and dawdling over what will pan-out as meaningless (AKA, lacking public option) health care "reform"...when we see they're on the truly important things...like mandating a playoff system for the NCAA...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2009:

A gift for chick who liked not boys

was vibrator, for Christmas joys.

But it was too small

so she had it hauled

to the Island of Misfit Toys!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2009:

Learned through our Sunday newspapers ad supplements that Paris Hilton has a new cologne, "Siren."

A little disappointed, however, that the sample didn't smell like...like...well, YOU know...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2009:

Now shoppers must fight 'mongst themselves

for inventory's scarce on shelves

thanks to the economy.

Vying, 'gainst you and me,

for jobs are...thousands of elves!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2009:

A new children's book, "Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country!" by Katharine DeBrecht , paints Nancy Pelosi as a villain and Sarah Palin as a heroine and... Hey. We thought it was only the LIBERAL media dragging our kids from the innocence of childhood early?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/16/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: White Hen vs. 7-11

Perhaps it would've been best to pick sides in this convenience store duel before White Hen... Well, was gobbled up by 7-11 about a year ago. I guess in places like Chicago--don't think the chain ever existed outside the Midwest--there are a few left, but they're just 7-11s that were deemed "too close" to other 7-11s, thus causing the company to mix things up a bit and keep a couple under the name "7-11," if nothing else.

Anyway, White Hen had better sandwiches. Much better sandwiches. And I never had the problem of milk spoiling before its printed date before my local White Hen transformed into a 7-11. And I liked the candy and snack selection better and... The more we think about it, the less it makes sense to indulge this topic, but, hey, it's the Holidays, and what cries, "The Holidays!" more than good old-fashioned slacking-off?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2009:

When Santa takes well-earned break during

Christmas Eve rounds--so fast, sleigh's blurring.

Thank him! Rise from nap--

girls, last chance, wish lap--

where more than a mouse will be stirring!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2009:

It has now been revealed that, two weeks before ego-holics Tareq and Michaele Salahi easily crashed a White House dinner, the latter of whom, I'll remind you--Chief Limericist checked-in here--I'd like to mount until we're both boggled silly... Ahem, where was I?

Oh, two weeks before THAT Secret Service picnic, Harvey and Paula Darden, boneheads of a different stripe who'd showed up the wrong day for a tour, were escorted into the East Room for breakfast with Obama.

Good to know that, should I ever be traveling in the D.C. area, I have a place to crash. Plus, I imagine I could easily get away with raiding the Presidential Fridge and boinkin' M'Lady, if not in the Oval Office, at least in the Rose Garden...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/17/2009:

Speaking of chowderheads, this schlub checks-in, apparently regarding the fact that the site was updated for yesterday after 2 a.m., while we normally (unofficially) shoot for midnight--

> A little late in the night, eh?

You know... Hmm. Guess it IS Christmas Season. Santa's reading and all so... Well, guy... You didn't have any spelling errors in your, um, brilliant missive...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2009:

To details, for shame, I won't delve,

but, truth told, I have touched myself

over animation.

Christmas celebration

includes, thus, hot claymation elves!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2009:

Now, as big fans of movie monsters--at least the classic ones--we've tried not to automatically pooh-pooh the newer incarnations, especially the hot, hipster "Twilight" vampires, werewolves and whatever.

But now we learn that, on the "Twilight" soundtrack, vampire actor Robert Pattinson actually sings!

A SINGING freakin' vampire?

Well, as Bela Lugosi shits his pants in the grave, we're now free to pooh-pooh at will...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/18/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: NFL Network Sucks, Redux

We've said it before and we'll say it again (at least until, God help us, the station fails because it's so ridiculous)--the NFL Network not only sucks, but is evil, to boot.

The network's modus operandi is broadcasting one football game per week exclusively, on Thursdays, to lure people from each weeks' relevant cities/markets with "serious football problems" into subscribing to it, so that they can watch one game a week for a few months and otherwise be stuck with grasping-at-straws content and rebroadcasts of old games.

In some towns with serious sports fans, like Chicago, the network generally relents and agrees to a simultaneous broadcast on a local station. Here, their plan is to lure subscribers by peppering the broadcast with many commercials for the NFL Network.

After seeing this spectacle for a Chicago Bears game recently, I must report that the network actually managed to cause me to see it as even more lame, which I hadn't thought possible. They're sportscasters are so crappy, you might as well turn-off the volume. They mispronounce names--you'd think they're paid enough to research things, wouldn't you? And their programming, spotlighted in these copious commercials, was even more useless than I could've imagined, although, admittedly, I never tried imagining that depressing scenario.

And what's with having the main commercial sponsor as Kay's Jewelers? A freakin' JEWELER? For a manly-man sport's station? Oh, I could go on and on, but then I'll have to fight-off the urge to seek out NFL Network HQ and hit them all in the face with hams...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2009:

On Grinch's famed visit to Whoville

was reborn--ev'rything seemed new! Filled

not only his heart

with joy--other parts...

Well, let's just say, placed turned to "Spoo-ville"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2009:

So Victoria Principal has bought a passenger ticket to go into space as a civilian aboard the VSS Enterprise and... In my opinion--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--any word on a, er, cherished childhood masturbational target is newsworthy...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2009:

A for'gner, new to Main in Suit shake,

for friend's gift, hogtied flaming true flake--

wrapped, put him 'neath tree.

Friend said, "Thanks, but, gee...

For Christmas, that's wrong kind of 'fruitcake'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2009:

Merry Birthday to Daily Limerick's Mike Chmielecki! (Of "Accursed Verse" um, "fame"!)

Send him an e-mail and harass and/or congratulate him! You'll find his e-address with his latest AV entry, below! For, even in this festive (AKA "fine excuse for slacking") time of year, AND with it being his birthday, he filed an edition!

Speaking of which... Well, we find a birthday well-wishing to be fine enough "news" content for this time of year...

Merry Extra Cheezy Sunday!...

Hell, Merry Extra Cheezy (aka lame) editions of DL/S&Y until early 2010, to be truthful...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/20/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Three Ghosts This Year

During the Holiday Season, with thoughts of "A Christmas Carol"-esque rebirths and things, I get to thinking, "If I had it all to do over again..." And my conclusion?

If I had it all to do over again...I'd probably do it all over again...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/20/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Left some stuff on the moon

 

The astronaut left his

screwdriver on the moon.

Also, a silver wrapper

for cinnamon gum, and

fifteen gray footprints

leading to and from

his ship. (eight steps

out to the crater,

when he was carrying

the measuring equipment,

and seven steps back.)

 

From Earth, no one can hear

the lost screwdriver

missing its chance Send <javascript:;>

to twist the next screw.

The gum wrapper does not

smell like cinnamon,

or anything.

 

The measuring equipment,

however, has become

a media hero.

But we cannot see

the astronaut's steps,

long after he came home,

in the sun's reflected light.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2009:

We all know that Rudolph's first-rate--

nose-glow's crucial, Santa's Big Date,

so gift run lacks pause.

And for Mrs. Claus

that nose can be set to, "vibrate"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2009:

So now it's panning out that Tiger Woods needn't fear so much for his career over committing hundreds of marital infidelities...but outta be crappin' his pants over the performance enhancers coming to light.

Again, we're not providing links because you have to actively hide from Tiger Woods Scandal news, at this point. But there's a lesson here for the kiddies, about our society overall... When your actions seriously harm another human being...no biggie. But make personal, risky decisions that could endanger merely yourself? They're sure as shit comin' after you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2009:

For doings of Christmas, ain't slacker.

But there's one tradition... Ain't backer!

It's festive--with verve! Just...

well, it makes me nervous

just hearing the term--"The Nutcracker"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2009:

Breaking news... Actress Brittany Murphy is dead... Oh.

The news probably isn't so "breaking" now.

Anyway, we at Daily Limerick all have Christmas shopping to do, so we'll count it as "news," considering that our readership, AKA the Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, are, well... Perhaps it IS "news" to some of you basement-dwelling ass-chargers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2009:

Pair made Christmas cookies. The clatter

caused neighbors to check, "What's the matter?"

On counter, chick lyin'--

the flour was flyin'...

Let's just say made one special "batter"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2009:

Around this time of year... Some of us are extra thankful for Christmas because it takes our mind off of our Godawful football team. Which wastes a few wishes to ol' Santa, but, hey...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/23/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Christmas Eve Eve!

Yes, it's the Eve Squared...and if you ARE the one cooking for the Holiday, and/or bringing a dish somewhere, and you haven't figured that out yet, well... Even I can't help you on this one... Make sure and stuff yourself silly!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2009:

One year, during Santa's Big Rounds--

one town, many deer were around.

Lost Vixen, hours there--

could barely take air!

Hell, she'd trouble WALKING when found!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2009:

Christmas Eve! And you're nuts if you think we're filing an edition...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2009:

It's Christmas! But I won't pretend

the world's not a mess. Then again,

today, Hope's light beams!

Let's work at and dream

of Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2009:

Merry Christmas!

Unless, of course, you're expecting us to actually file a decent edition today...

Merry Extra Cheezy Christmas!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/25/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Christmas!

Need I say more?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2009:

Awoke to find Christmas gone by.

But New Year's is soon... Shouldn't cry.

But still, it's tough dealing.

To be honest? Feeling

a little bit... Well, I feel... (Sigh.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2009:

(Sigh)...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2009:

Celeb egos call for own fragrance.

Those bottles should launch t'ward nose flagrant

true scent of each liltin'--

"Siren," Paris Hilton's,

should reek of the cooch of a vagrant!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2009:

The National Football League is asking players to donate their brains for study of concussion issues and the like.

No... Too easy to crack about...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/27/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: (Sigh)

Another Christmas has come and gone.

Did I say "(sigh") already?

In any event, I try to look on the bright side. It's not yet New Year's, so we're effectively still within the Holidays--the Holiday Taint, to be precise.

I could regale you of Holiday Taint's come and gone but... I don't remember much from them, other than being in a post-Holiday malaise and trying to cheer up at the thought of being amid the Holiday Taint and, well, now I'm just repeating myself so, yes, indeed, I'll just say (sigh)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/27/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Until the wheels fall off

 

Soup, apples, car keys,

timepieces (their faces),

skittering click click clock

beetles crawling on the bedding

with dry moving mouth pieces

(no where no how no place).

Let's get away, let's drive until

the wheels fall off, consequences

sometimes want ignorance instead

of action. The girl with ribbons

in her hair is not there, the boy

wipes his mouth and pounds the empty

juice glass onto the table. He is

crying without moving, so he does

not know why he feels moved.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2009:

Too famous to sweep 'neath the rug

his Cheat Fest with blondes of big jugs,

Tiger's noted Johnson

has cost him some spons'rin'--

but might gain some for...e.d. drugs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2009:

Okay, although we're still in a slacking phase, being amid the Holiday Taint and all, we've gotta chime in on this Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallah cat.

So what're we dubbing this guy? The Underwear Bomber?

In any event, in answer to the question that's killing off most of the broadcast pundits' air time... He's not affiliated with al-Qaida. Sure, maybe he's met with al-Qaida dudes. Runs in the same circles. But comparing the evil genius of the 9-11 attacks to some numbnuts bumbling a plot to light his crotch ablaze? C'mon.

And of COURSE he got by airline security! He wasn't an old white lady with a bomb in her shoes!

Let's just be thankful that ol' Sparky Pants didn't try hit us where we're truly vulnerable--by crashing, say, a White House dinner party...

The Associated Press has named its Male Athlete of the Year and the winner is... Jimmie Johnson.

A NASCAR driver.

Hmm.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

You know, if I'd have known that DRIVING A CAR FAST could put one in contention for Athlete of the Year, I'd have engaged my "sport" of Christmas cookie baking a little earlier...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2009:

There's shock o'er the Pants Bomber news--

how'd the TSA let him through?

Flown lately? They're mall cops!

Only bombers they'll stop?

White grannies with bombs in their shoes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2009:

Another crime we can charge that Umar Farouk joker with is that of being a liar.

The evidence is solid. After all, his pants were, beyond a doubt, on fire...

According to a Yale University study, diners tend to eat less when restaurants are forced into the time- and effort-consuming task of labeling each menu item with the calorie and nutritional intake.

Next up for the Big Mother Movement--the War on Secondhand Calories.

We wish we were kidding...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2009:

Outright dis "Twilight" vamps? I stave

off urge, though old school are my fave.

But CD... Vamp singing?

Dis now, full-on bringing--

Lugosi shits pants in his grave!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2009:

Reminder... Despite even the so-called "news" media--you know, allegedly dwelling in facts--even latching on to our impatient, lack-of-attention-span society's butt-headed insistence otherwise, we are NOT nearing the start of a new decade...until the year 2011...

At first, we saw a sign that the traditional newspaper was dying in the fact that auto ads, a traditional mainstay of the industry, were trailing off. (As if we needed "signs" of this slow, painful death. But play along with us, won't you?)

But now we've noted an even more disturbing trend--the petering-off of "massage" ads in newspaper sports sections...

Okay, Monday Night Football dudes and, really, any other national sports broadcasters... Is it too much to ask, given your ample salaries, that you learn to pronounce our players' names correctly?

And while we're at it, why don't all of you go together to the locker room and just blow Brett Favre?...

The new Captain Morgan TV ads. Commemorating dudes hittin' on chicks with smooth moves.

We must point out the one where the one guy, commemorated as a "Captain," thinks quickly and assigns his posse various roles, with himself as a plastic surgeon, but only pro-bono for burn victims, another a romance book cover model, etc.

So these guys are "Captains"?

Now, I (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) and admittedly not among the world's greatest studs.

But I have gotten laid--and I've never invented a career for myself.

"Captains," my taint...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/30/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: A New Year Brings New Traditions, While Honoring the Old

...Which is why we're honoring our own tradition here at Daily Limerick of slacking off with an edition or two through the Holidays--and just after (first edition of the New Year)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2009:

If New Year's Eve seems Anti-Heaven

'cause thoughts of grow'n older are revvin'

know our world's impatient--

"new decade" occasion?

Won't come until Twenty-Eleven!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2009:

Today's news nugget... Ha! Fooled ya'!... It's New Year's Freakin' Eve, screwtoads!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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