Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2009:

For Super Bowl, it's quite a fad

to care about commercial ads.

But ads' role's to spoil it--

make sandwich, use toilet!

And half-time show, too, just sucks 'nads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 161 Days to Go...

So there's a hubbub over the fact that Jessica Simpleton has apparently gained a good deal of weight.

Tabloids and bloggers ripped her. Then her idiot Hollywood friends and family defended her. You don't even have to follow it. You know the brain-dead quotes that have been flying:

"Why must we focus on female celebrities' weight?"

Okay. We'll admit that women are subject to tougher standards regarding physical appearance. And, in general, that's wrong and something an enlightened society should strive to correct. (Of course, we're not, and never will be, an "enlightened society"--in fact, we're de-evolving to be more and more stupid...but that's a whole 'nother sack of potatoes.)

But in the case of Jessica, we feel it's more than appropriate to rip her chub-out. In fact, it's our duty to nitpick the livin' shit outta her appearance. Half zit? Hair outta place? One tooth less white than the others? Attack!

See, Jessica, we'll fill you in on something:

You're NOT famous for your...er, "singing." And you're NOT famous for your (he hee) "acting")...

Okay, for decades now, retailers and similar slimeballs have been pushing the Christmas Season to... Oh, isn't it just after July 4 now?

And, yes, this is a society that celebrated the Millennium a year early because they couldn't wait for 2001.

Friday, I witnessed a TV station running Black History Month programming. Black History Month, of course, begins Feb. 1. Not January 30.

What the hell--why don't we completely give in to our immediate-gratification world and just celebrate whatever freakin' holiday we feel like, whenever we freakin' feel like it?...

Has former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich stopped prattling on to the press yet?...

More importantly, are we ready to stop LISTENING to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich yet?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/1/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time

...Is taking off for the Super Bowl. Even though, of course, this would've been written BEFORE today... What? First blow-off of 2009... Well, you can't really count the post-Holiday malaise... There's always next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/1/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Liquid light

 

Water pours out of the receiver,

filling the base of the phone booth.

The glass doors are locked. I'm going to drown

unless I break through.

But I can't break through.

 

The warmth of the water is at my ankles,

then my knees. And rising. Rising too fast.

Is that the tickle of seaweed grasping my arm?

Are those blue and silver fish darting by my ear?

Is that the phone ringing in sonar pings of distress?

 

I don't care. The phone has glided off the hook

and floats near my elbow. This is relaxing,

a serene sweep of motion and light,

a swamped sense of being.

 

Breathing was too frantic, too greedy a habit.

Now it slows to the rhythms of rest,

and the warmth will not let go.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/1/2009:

> True or not, this is really spreading around the military.

> Let me know if you have heard anything.

 

And here's what follows:

 

> Military to Pledge Oath To Obama, Not Constitution

>

> Defense Robert Gates is extremely frustrated with orders

> that the White House is contemplating. According to

> sources at the Pentagon, including all branches of the

> armed forces, the Obama Administration may break with a

> centuries-old tradition.

> A spokesman for General James Cartwright, the Vice

> Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, states that the

> Obama Administration wants to have soldiers and officers

> pledge a loyalty oath directly to the office of the

> President, and no longer to the Constitution.

So, if any readers do know anything about this, chime in.

But... First of all, none of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers go getting' up in partisan arms because when we have, er, room, we'll publish most anything anybody sends in.

Second of all... If you've followed Daily Limerick over the years, you'll know we have real troubles with getting readers to chime in on topics we throw out there. Off-hand, the last success we remember with that involved the sexual definition of "teabag."

Most importantly, while we haven't investigated (our investigative reporting, er, team is off for early Groundhog Day celebrations), this has an air of Internet Alarmist Whackjobism to it and... well, perhaps as a form of "blog," we should be looking to become a source of trusted misinformation...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2009:

They censored Blagojevich tapes--

impeachin', "decorum" they aped.

But those airs? Been checkered--

Thomas, Senate record

when words "Long Dong Silver" took shape!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 160 Days to Go...

Happy Groundhog Day!

Just make sure and take down all your Groundhog decorations by mid-month, at the latest...

Craig's List "Help Wanted" ad:

"Teenage Model. Must be comfortable with snake."

R. Kelly's at it again...

As someone who checks online job ads pretty much every day of the year, being seemingly perpetually marginally employed, it's an interesting commentary on society that, while some holidays (and "holidays") see a decrease in postings--Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Obama's inauguration--the most paltry day for "help wanted" ads is, hands-down, Super Bowl Sunday...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2009:

Though you miss those Holiday sounds

and there's dingy snow on the ground

the Big Day's now passed

so get off your ass--

take Groundhog Day dec'rations down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 159 Days to Go...

So Michael Phelps has been caught red-handed...or perhaps "red-mouthed" with a bong.

Oh, the Moron Majority will howl about it but, really, he doesn't have a lot of variety on his resume and there are only so many "water sports"...

A bunch of chowderheads are now publishing "The Printed Blog" in Chicago and San Fran.

For writers seeking the worst of both worlds: Environment unfriendly, traditional clips--and modern age, crap-ass pay!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2009:

So Jessica Simpson appears

to have chubbed-up--pundits' snark sears!

"How sexist!" fools claim

but she don't keep fame

through singing or acting "careers"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 158 Days to Go...

E-mail edition headline monitoring our oh-so-wise bank/auto/etc. bailout:

"Citgroup Considers Backing Out of $400 Million Naming-Rights Deal for the Mets' New Stadium"

CONSIDERS backing out?...

CONSIDERS?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/4/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Greatest Cooks' Tool of All

The Internet.

I know I occasionally engage in some form of "literary suspense" with a title such as this but, plain and simple, the Internet is the greatest cooks' tool ever.

I'm primarily talking about recipes--while realizing that other uses abound. But you want a recipe, for, say...coconut shrimp? I searched the term once, seeking to whip up a batch for an ex-M'Lady of mine and... Wham! Tons of hits! And what's more, in addition to more "credentialed" sources, you get the kinda stuff I prefer--some guy in backwoods Louisiana posting his family recipe online!

Now, as someone engaged in the pursuit of writing for career and profit, some might think I'd pooh-pooh something like this. But you know what? In addition to almost giving up on the career I've spent decades training for and clawing my way to the top (then bottom) in... We have to put a stop to these "reality" TV chefs. We have to put a stop to ALL of "reality" TV, really but... That's another topic altogether.

Metaphorically knife an annoying "reality" chef today--get your recipes from the Wonderful, World Wide Web!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2009:

Though Christmas sees a lighter dole--

Easter, New Year's, few job ads roll..

What lack of ads say's

our most sacred day?

Hands down it's the damn Super Bowl!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 157 Days to Go...

Support the drug store chain Walgreens--BECAUSE they sell tobacco products. Thus, offering a legal choice to adults choosing to use such products, while remaining one of the few outlets with a decent, store-bought (aka cheap) cigar selection.

The hubbub started when some schoolboy, wannabe healthier-than-though do-gooder engaged in a class project, using the Walgreens name for a Web site wherein he protested Walgreens tobacco sales, as a pharmacy and, thus, health-related outlet.

We're unclear on the thought patterns of this naive lass. I'm sure the project got him a pat on the head from the teacher and an extra cookie from mommy. But... Where do we begin? Does he think smokers will say, "Oh, Walgreens no longer sells 'em; I quit"?

Does he want to stop EVERY legitimate outlet from selling tobacco? Has he heard of black markets, the "success" of our various prohibitions?

Has he been so brainwashed with secondhand science that he thinks other peoples' lifestyle choices matter so much?

If he's going to engage in a quest like this... What about Walgreens products that are high in salt or cholesterol? And the drugs they sell--aren't many addictive or otherwise dangerous?

Seems Walgreens has a new CEO or other bigwig and the continued sales of tobacco products is actually at issue.

Whether you smoke or not, support Walgreens BECAUSE they sell tobacco products. Unless, of course, you dream of a world with an increase in activities like... Cigarette smuggling in the New York area with profits going toward Hamas...

Speaking of New York's governor/Big Mother Movement leader Michael Bloomberg, on Groundhog Day, the Groundhog bit him.

He hee.

Not sure what we can add to the story other than... Haw haw haaaa...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2009:

There's video--not just reports--

Mike Phelps as role model? Abort!

Caught smoking a bong!

Yet hard to dub "wrong"--

with, really, so few "water sports"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 156 Days to Go...

So U.S. officials, having some luck against the terrorists lately, are declaring they're close to a "complete al-Qaida defeat" in Pakistan.

Hmmm. Do they REALLY want to declare something that bold? Because... Well, two words: "Mission Accomplished"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/6/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Polka!

Yup. Go out and polka. You'd be surprised at how fun it is. Plus, you really don't need to know what you're doing, or have any sense of rhythm.

Squat up and down, wiggle a little, side-to-side. It's ridiculously easy to stay in rhythm with the ooompa-oommpa beat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2009:

A chick was excitedly banking

on a firm, wild, hot birthday spanking.

Her man, too, enjoyed it--

'fact, as he deployed it,

with other hand, gave 'self a yanking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 155 Days to Go...

So it turns out that, with the possible exception of Bruce Springsteen's vocals, Super Bowl performances were lip-synched.

We're not surprised. Although if you go back to that day's Limerick, and the Limericks and Yappin's leading up to the Hype Fest... Well, we're still waiting for someone to dub us the New Nostradamus...

Or at least the New Nostradamus-esque...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2009:

Officials are claiming "defeat"--

of al-Qaida, Pakistan... Beat?

Wish bold claims they'd not dish,

like, "Mission Accomplished"?

Just open mouths--and insert feet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 154 Days to Go...

Oh, the hubbub!

Beyonce, as you probably know, sang the hit that Etta James became famous for, "At Last," at Obama's inauguration. So Etta goes off on a rant, slamming both Beyonce AND Obama, because, well, apparently nobody checked to see if Etta was still performing, which she is and... Well.

Really, though, not only does Etta seem a bit nutty these days (although her family's playing the Medication Card--but she's just not up for performing at a high-profile, modern event. Can she even lip-synch worth a damn?...

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

See, it's the Sunday edition, and we post that on MySpace, so there was a point I wanted to make:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I have a love-hate relationship with MySpace. (Easy on the "love" part.) Have to have one because of the way the world is and all but... Well, I'd rather not check-in any more than I have to.

So, ya' bastards: The "comments" are for things like, oh... "I wanna have your baby" or something. See your dictionaries. These are NOT for word of your shows and events. The "comment" feature sends me an e-mail, leading me to check into Myspace hoping for something interesting from a friend, as opposed to a MySpace "friend" and... Likewise, your damn "invites" often lead me to check in but... You're all a bunch of annoying fucks.

Use the "bulletin" features and the "blogs." Then folks can look into these things if they have a free night and are looking for something to do. Or they can subscribe to the blogs.

I urge Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to boycott these things--at least the misused comments. Even if the shows looks interesting, if people have the crappy e-etiquette to harass your "comments" with e-PR, DON'T go...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/8/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Persnickety Post Office Pandemonium

While admitting that there's an air of conservative whackjobism to the idea, we think the U.S. Post Office should be whacked.

E-mail's becoming more and more prevalent. Bills can be paid online. And, already, when people need to get a package somewhere soon, dependably, they're going with private delivery services anyway. Why invite the nepotism and incompetence that government posts often invite?

Unconvinced? Here's the story of an incident that occurred in my life recently:

The entry way to my wing of a condo complex contains a wall of mailboxes--six of them, to be precise (and one unused one). When I moved in here my own mailbox was lacking a lock. Being a bit lazy about matters of handymanism, I put off buying a new lock.

It didn't seem to matter. Our then-mailperson delivered just as well. And, really, I'm not afraid of somebody stealing my mail, anyway--mostly junk mail, bills and the occasional check addressed to me. Plus, you need a key to get into the mailbox area, anyway--it's not wide open to the public.

The non-issue of the missing mailbox lock wasn't due to a vigilant carrier. In the city, routes change often. Mailman after mailman delivered the goods just fine, even as another resident lost their lock key, leaving two "busted" mailboxes. Last August marked five years year for me, so it seemed a permanent non-issue.

Until the latest carrier.

For the past few months, I found the whole wing's mail dumped in a pile on the floor. Thus, not only did I have to sort through the day's mail Monday through Saturday, but I usually ended up sorting through old mail, as well, as not everybody's good at being prompt with such things, one person has moved while still keeping an address here--and people tend to sort through the piles in a hurry, scattering the mail and negating any of my attempts to organize piles by day (or even last name).

There's no standard time of delivery, so I left a note by the mailboxes for the mailman about this. He/she scrawled a response on my note, saying that our mailboxes were lacking locks and he/she didn't have to deliver the mail under such circumstances--while threatening to make us each retrieve mail from our local post office by stopping delivery to our address.

That would be a pain-in-the-ass. And a much worse one than any non-urban Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might think. In Chicago, I avoid the post office at all costs. Not only do I have to blow bus/train fare to reach the nearest one, but you can look forward to blowing a half-hour or more on a visit, with the lines, inadequate number of "windows" open and general incompetence. (I once visited a Chicago post office asking the price of an international mailing to be greeted with the answer, "I don't know.")

So I filed an online complaint. I was mostly nice, although I did "lose it" a wee bit, mentioning that, as a taxpayer, I was effectively his/her BOSS and that anybody with a job in this economy should be doubly grateful.

I received a call within a couple of days. The agent took the mailman's side: "If the mailbox is missing locks, that deliverer has every right to NOT deliver your mail." I mentioned the fact that it hadn't been a problem for five years...to no avail. Finally, I tried to simply ask that she talk to our deliverer and mention that our mailboxes were in the process of being fixed by our maintenance guy (they are, indeed, now fixed--although the carrier didn't notice, or something, continuing to drop it in piles for a week or so afterward)... Pleading for the carrier to AT LEAST just continue to drop the damn piles until the issue was resolved.

Her response? "Well, if you want, I can talk to the carrier about it... But I'm afraid that'll just upset him and make the situation worse."

Perhaps the post office IS ahead of its time, after all. Unfettered by that pesky, outdated, "the customer is always right" bullshit...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/8/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A sharp softness

 

I don't want to forget the flashing walls,

the peculiar holed-out sadness,

the little girl that lives in crystal

caverns of static and whispers in

the breaths between dropped calls,

the unplumbed sound, the snow

in lingering puddles of itself,

the expanses I wish we could fill,

 

the sharp disappointments

of yes and no in love.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2009:

Lip-synching for Super Bowl game?

Beyonce picked o'er Etta James--

Barack's inaug'ration?

Culture of this nation

has spiraled to hopelessly lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 153 Days to Go...

In a news brief tucked in the back of the sports section, we learn that David Beckham is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy to return to European soccer exclusively.

Man. Can't believe he's not sticking it out. From all the hooplah surrounding his coming to America, well... We've gotta be thisclose to making soccer the U.S. national pastime...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2009:

Now Citi was leading Mets bidder

to name stadium. Think should quit 'er?

Took taxpayer welfare

and, 400 mill. fare

for Mets? Back-out now--they'll "consider"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 152 Days to Go...

Snow is melting here in Chicago, and around the Northern U.S., leaving all sorts of previously buried, er...treasures. Aluminum cans, dog poop, heaps o' cigarette butts and... Oranges.

Yup. Saw TWO oranges, different locations, yesterday morning.

Oh, Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Now... Not one apple. Nor a banana. Nor a coconut or papaya, which makes sense, I guess.

Saw some orange PEELS, which makes sense, given the slob-ass nature of the general populace but... Entire oranges? Don't get it.

Are kids not holding tight to their lunch bags? Is it because oranges roll better than, say, apples or bananas?

If anybody has a clue to the reasons behind this...whatever (not sure if it's a "tragedy" or just a "curious development" or...for that mater, whether this is happening in other areas...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/10/2009:

Regarding our bitchin' and moanin' about MySpace Sunday... Or, well, actually, our constant bitchin' and moanin' about MySpace:

> It seems among most all of my friends, those young, old,

> in between, terribly lazy and terribly ambitious, My

> Space is no longer the place to be. It is all about Face

> Book now. Also, all of my younger - the next few

> generations -- friends, agree. So far I have not joined

> any of these social (?) networks. Hope all is well with

> you, Fast Eddy.

That's true... And untrue, at the same time. Bands are still predominantly MySpaceing, for instance.

In any event... We refuse to join FaceBook, or any other social networking site, and waste more time with routine maintenance. In fact, our Chief Limericist didn't even join in order to read the blogs of some chick he almost, possibly had a shot at boinking!

So... Well, never say never and all--we said the same about MySpace--but... We shall never, EVER freakin' Twitter. Gotta draw the line somewhere and, really, if we cross THAT line... Somebody come and shoot-up the Daily Limerick Offices and Towers; we beg of you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2009:

So Dave Beckham now does report

his U.S. league play he'll cut short.

Why didn't he wait

for claimed coming date

when, here, soccer's top-followed sport?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 151 Days to Go...

So now Alex Rodriguez is coming forth to admit steroid usage and... This is getting silly. To simplify, from here on out let's have any Major League Baseball players who DIDN'T use steroids over the last decade start coming forward...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/11/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Valentine's Week So...

...Well, er... Eat It!... And if you don't have a partner to, um, Eat It! with... Order out or just enjoy a fine, uh...meal by yourself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2009:

Seems each day, a new player's choosing

to 'fess up on steroids. I'm musing...

'd'be less complication

now if play'rs give statements

only if they HAVEN'T been using!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 150 Days to Go...

Amid a constant firestorm of criticism by music fans of a music promotion/ticket sales industry that has consolidated, stifled competition and proved the need for anti-trust laws, with skyrocketing prices, laugh-in-your-face "customer service" and a slew of other anti-consumer crimes... Ticket Master and Live Nation, two of the Behemoths, plan to merge.

This, of course, has to be approved by the Obama Administration but... Companies like these sure fit the bill of "government-bailout ready"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2009:

It's Friday the Thirteenth--and mobs

are scared! Killers! Vampires! The Blob!

But if you must dare

to thrill to a scare--

try looking for a freakin' job!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 149 Days to Go...

So sure-fire, future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre has retired.

Again.

Or, wait... No, still retired.

Ever get the feeling that Brett's confused his National Football League career with the "Hokey-Pokey"?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/13/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Valentine's Day Weekend So...

...You should know how to Entertain Yourself... Or, hopefully, someone else at the same time, otherwise... I did hit a strip club once when single on V.D., although I can only semi-recommend blowing money for a big tease... In any event, masturbate...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2009:

On Valentine's, fella saw dame, 'n'

she offered sweets. His heart was flamin'!

Sex was his next feat--

though he liked her sweets

he more craved the box that they came in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 148 Days to Go...

Received a mass mailing from a law firm today. (Chief Limericist checked-in, here.)

Advertising bankruptcy services.

Mass mailing. Bankruptcy.

Talk about a pick me up...

Oh, but Happy Valentine's Day, anyway...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2009:

Though great night to land single lay

on day AFTER Valentine's Day,

let's hope waking head

sees new "friend" in bed...

and actually wants her to stay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 147 Days to Go...

Since much media ado has already been made over Nadya Suleman, the nutjob with six kids who went to a fertility doctor to pump out another eight and now undoubtedly expects all sorts of taxpayer aid to finance her Angelina Jolie-esque kid addiction... Well, we've struggled as to what we can add to the debate.

So... Who does she think she is? A ragingly incompetent bank?...

No accusations. Just a few facts:

We at Daily Limerick subscribe to the Chicago Sun-Times.

It's competitor, the Chicago Tribune, filed for bankruptcy recently and has been engaging in some wacky antics to keep and gain readers/subscribers.

We occasionally have our newspaper stolen off the doorstep. (Or perhaps the delivery guy dropped the ball.) While we've had periods where the damn thing was stolen daily, it's a rare occurrence, at this point.

Now, although we got into the...er, office late Saturday after a late Friday night (allowing more time, and thus likelihood of pilfering, for any would-be thieves), our newspaper was curiously stolen Saturday.

Coincidentally, there was a Chicago Tribune delivered--and they've recently re-worked it; doing a big "new & improved" kinda push.

Seeing the newspapers on the step each morning, nobody in my building previously subscribed to the Tribune.

Thus... We're guessing that the rare newspaper theft or missed delivery occurred on the same day that someone's new Tribune subscription kicked-in...

And now it's time for... Daily Limerick Carefully Analyzes and Answers the Questions of the Day Post via Headline.

Headline:

"Is Sex Really an Addiction"

Answer, after much research:

No...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/15/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...Is taking the week off.

Not only is it the day after Valentine's Day, but last weekend was M'Lady's birthday, so I've had better things to do than seduce myself by the fire this time around...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/15/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Torch song

 

The heat and smoke are terrible --

paintings running down the walls,

clay figures exploding

in the private kiln of the apartment.

 

Piano keys charred and crackling,

guitar strings wire-hot,

the trombone's bell spouting smoke,

flaming swirls of sheet music birds.

 

All the accumulated stories

and poems on the shelves roasting;

the shelf boards sagging, spilling

their last commitments into the blaze.

 

Nobody pounding on the door,

no bells screaming escape, escape.

And where would escape lead?

The surroundings are unrecognizable.

 

A few signposts and markers

remind me of former sets of rules.

But those old standbys are obliterated

by the news you just gave me.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2009:

Live Nation merge with Ticket Master?

Approve that? Consumer disaster!

As is, near monopoly,

but Feds act so sloppily

that may just get merge approved faster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 146 Days to Go...

In lamenting the state of our economy, we've been especially troubled by the toilet plunge of the newspaper/magazine industry.

And yet, also being a little perturbed at the modern-ish, hipster comics--without any of the pesky humor, decent drawing skills or at least interesting points to replace the other two... Well, we see a silver lining even in the death of our careers when we read a headline like this:

"Is the End Near for Alt-Weekly Comics?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2009:

So Brett Favre retired... Okey-dokey.

But this time, will it be a jokey?

Will he miss game's fire

and soon un-retire?--

That's Brett Favre's Career Hokey-Pokey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 145 Days to Go...

Okay, publishers of the Yellow Pages, Yellow Book, etc.?

Knock it off.

They sit down in the common entryway of my condo complex and NOBODY wants 'em.

You may have heard of this new-fangled thing called "The Internet"?

Anyway, your days are over.

So stop cluttering up our doorways with 'em, else we'll sick those smelly, bong-addled Greenpeace hippies on you for killing so many damn trees...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2009:

Octo-mom's six kids, couldn't feed.

Had litter more and now will be

on gov'ment assistance.

Change ways? She's resistin'!

Just like those failed banks and Big Three!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 144 Days to Go...

Okay, at first, we were mostly just annoyed at the fact that nobody is fully present in the real world around them anymore. It was the little things--like finding it fruitless to talk to a hot looking chick on the bus.

But now... Well, Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"PEDESTRIAN DEATHS. Despite Stronger Safety Measures, Chicago's Pedestrian Fatalities are on the Rise"

Thanks iPod!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/18/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pickin' Up Chicks at the Grocery Store

Perhaps this should've been our Valentine's Week edition but... Well, I took off that week, so here you go.

I've heard many "experts" cite the grocery store as a primo place for dame chasin'. Which means nothing. But I've also heard it from friends and cohorts, so there's something to it.

Everybody claims they hate the "Bar Scene." And Internet dating is only gonna lead to a jogger finding your remains in a forest preserve. So the grocery store is an option you should look into, if you're interested in picking up chicks. (Or guys. We just write what we know. With a few alterations, ladies, too, can follow our sketchy advice.)

You can strike up conversations about food products and such. "I wish they still had Mr. T cereal"; "If you're gonna buy that roast, I have a killer recipe." Etc. But a word of caution--if you get a laugh or whatever, it's okay to wander away, so you don't feel like a stalker--but go in for the phone number/e-mail sometime before she hits checkout! (Although, if you shop regularly at the same store, chances are he/she does, too, and you may be able to reconnect another time...but that's dangerous.)

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may ask: Have YOU had success with grocery store pickups, Daily Limerick? Well... Yes and no. We've gotten conversational giggles but blown catching her before checkout. We haunted the chili spice packet aisle and gave tips to a chili-seekin' babe--but again, didn't follow through.

So there ya' go.

Thump those melons!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2009:

Pedestrian deaths up--seems odd--

as with safety push, Chi-Town plods.

Folks walk round, attention

not here--in absentia...

Thanks so much, Steve Jobs, for iPod!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 143 Days to Go...

ATTENTION! Idiot, Hollywood "reality" producers:

Although the show is so lame and done-to-death that you NEED to pay audience members, $25 dollars is NOT enough money to get someone to submit themselves to a viewing of "The Bachelor."

Funny, but in our reality, we can just hit a bar around the corner to watch a bunch of insecure knuckleheads clamor to sleep with someone they'll never in a million years marry--and, really, we'd rather watch our cats sleep...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2009:

These days, for phone numbers, there're more ways,

than in past to find--'Net's most explored way.

So those damn Yellow Pages

when delivered, cause rages--

no one takes 'em, so they just clog our doorways!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 142 Days to Go...

So GQ has named Justin Timberlake the "Most Stylish Man in America."

Ahem.

Okay, guys. Let's stop pretending. You focus on men's fashion--even going so far as naming the "Ten Most Stylish Men in America"; celebrate, of all the manly men out there, Justin Timberlake, who, let's not forget, came to fame dancing around in a FREAKIN' BOY BAND... Well.

You know, Playgirl hit the skids. Isn't it time for the first publication to come out of the closet?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/20/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: E-Mail Porn Updates

I urge you to either order porn via the Web, or go to a porn-purveying site or something to somehow get on a porn mailing list.

I ordered some porn through a Web site once, many years ago. (Research, of course. On its evils and all.) Actually, I've done it since, too, but... The first time was all it took to get on the e-mailing list. So multiple times a day, I receive an e-mail with titillating little pictures. Brief, porn-thrill breaks thus randomly help me through the work day. Oh, and porn title puns are a delight, too.

There are, of course some problems. The emporium in question for my e-mails doesn't account for my own porn peccadilloes--it sends a general "what's new" kinda thing. Thankfully, they must have separate mass e-mailings for straight and gay but... There are a few things that disturb me, occasionally. Not up for gang-bang crap, for instance. And I'm more than frightened that tranny porn, apparently, has gone mainstream enough to make these lists but... Ahem.

Get your porn on!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2009:

A clown felt a bit out of place

at orgy, bearded lady's space.

Crawled 'tween a chick's knees

and felt more at ease

taking a (hair) pie to the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 141 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist, checking-in on an Extra Cheezy Saturday, here.

Now, I've always thought it was a BAD thing... Being male, and wearing underwear and pants, as polite society calls for, occasionally indulging, in said polite society, the need to... Well, shift my balls around a bit, so they sit right and all.

Then I read this Craig's List "Help Wanted" ad:

"Become a Public Adjuster!"

Not only am I ALREADY one... But I guess I can make money at it!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2009:

Ro' Burris acted like a saint.

Turns out that... Well, looks like he ain't!

'Tween assholes and dicks

Ill'nois politics

on Government Body's the taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 140 Days to Go...

So Bristol Palin went on Fox News for an interview and, although her actions have already spoke much, much louder than words possibly could, said that the idea of abstinence for teens is "not realistic" and that... Well, she ain't gettin' married, despite pumpin' out a kid, "just yet."

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we were more than fine with Obama winning the election but... McCain/Palin, we must admit, could've brought us a whole lotta fun...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/22/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Jewel Shit

I took my first shit in a grocery store the other day.

In the grocery store BATHROOM, ya' sickos, not in the produce aisle!

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this. I've peed there, of course, but I've peed most everywhere. And I've always sorta thought of people who shit in the grocery store bathroom as derelicts. You know, when I enter there after some guy (usually an elderly dude) just smelled it all up.

So... Well, I don't wanna dwell in this, but there it is...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/22/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Near a new ceiling

 

Smiles live in the hallways.

The carpet is littered with chips.

Where do the stairs lead,

near a new ceiling?

 

None of the windows are cracked

but the cold gets in.

Shivering, silent,

peering on silence.

 

I thought the lightbulb was god.

His light poured down, across

the floor, off

the stairs.

 

So every smile was real.

What was concealed

was revealed.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2009:

Bristol Palin launched oven bun.

Says marriage? She'll wait on that one!

And abstinence ed?

Now "unwise," she's said.

McCain-Palin might have been fun!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 139 Days to Go...

Is it too much to ask that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, in addressing the nation and world, use the proper forms of the verb "lay"?...

Many moons ago, Paris Hilton's grandma told her that she looked like Marilyn Monroe, even going so far as to nickname her, "Marilyn."

Thus... Well, you've probably noticed.

In trying times like these, it's only human to seek someone to point a finger at. So we can at least now blame Paris' grandma for... Well, the fact that we even KNOW about Paris...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2009:

Tough times--we all want to point fingers

of blame--or at least toss 'em zingers.

Granny Hilton, "Marilyn"

dubbed that Paris derelict--

so's her fault that space waste's fame lingers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 138 Days to Go...

We're not sure when--maybe it's even going on NOW... But sometime recently, we saw something about an "Auto Show" going on in Chicago.

You know... Kinda like a flea market, with cars. But, at this point, without all the... You know, crowd...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2009:

Guess the "Auto Show" came to town.

Near missed it--but should have came 'round.

Through tax, industry's

owned by you and me

(least 'til it's run into the ground).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 137 Days to Go...

So the U.S. government, through the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, is spending $5 million to promote marriage.

Knowing how the feds dole out cash, guess it's going to perpetrators of infidelity...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/25/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: My Coffee Rules-Officially!

A recent survey by Consumer Reports found the best-tasting coffee to be... Eight O'Clock Coffee.

That's what I drink at home. And I rarely pay for it elsewhere.

See, I was given a grinder for a gift once, thus forcing me into becoming a borderline coffee snob... But I'm not THAT concerned with coffee, so have bought Eight O'Clock because it's cheap.

There are all sorts of hoighty-toighty whole bean coffees in the grocery store. We've said, "nay." (And so, apparently, have taste-testers.) And I tried the store-brand beans but... Much crappier, especially considering the small savings from their purchase.

This story gives me a special kick because Eight O'Clock even beat Starbucks among blindfolded study participants!

But, hey, I'm willing to charge you $3 a cup and make you feel unwelcome in hanging-out to drink it, if you really crave that Starbucks Feel...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2009:

I don't ask much, as Grammar Guy,

but Obama's press dude should TRY...

The casual's one thing

but whole world is watching--

let's hear correct use, "lay" and "lie."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 136 Days to Go...

Special Bailout Appreciation Issue...

Okay, so Northern Trust Corp., in addition to pissing money away by continuing its sponsorship of the (yawn) PGA Tour's Northern Trust Open, threw a bash surrounding the event, tossing around cash like there's no tomorrow to book the likes of Sheryl Crow; Earth, Wind and Fire; and the band Chicago.

Point of contention being: NTC's taken bailout money.

Now, OF COURSE these CEOs are gonna pull crap like this. But the Feds, incapable of NOT repeating past mistakes, is still gonna toss billions at 'em. And we're all gonna suffer for it, even more, but... We have another point here:

How come nobody's layin' into Crow; Earth, Wind and Fire; and Chicago? You annoying celebrities annoy the fuck out of us using your pea brains to wax POLITICAL... But you expect a free pass for something like this?...

It's funny how arch conservatives are bitching about our typically ineffective government telling bailed-out companies how to spend their money. "Let the private business people who KNOW what they're doing make those decisions," they whine.

On some level, we're inclined to agree but... Your companies hit the point where you need GOVERNMENT to fly in and save you. So who's ineffective NOW...

And, really... Let's say we loan a friend a couple bucks because he says he needs bus fare...and find out that he spent it on liquor. It'd be totally reasonable to be upset and to perhaps demand some accountability when he later asks for $100 to pay rent...and spends that on a hooker.

You bank, insurance and automobile CEOs have mooched FREAKIN' BILLIONS...but somehow the Wall Street Financial-Anal Rapists are upset about ACCOUNTABILITY? "Private businesses know their business better than government"? The GOVERNMENT, aka US TAXPAYERS, is giving YOU billions--so we have every right to tell you EXACTLY how you can spend it!

Which facet of common sense don't you shit-fer-brainses understand? That money pays a LOT of rent... Or, more likely, unfortunately, buys you a lot of hookers (and Sheryl Crows)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2009:

Bailed-out Northern Trust threw a bash--

acts like Sheryl Crow with OUR cash!

Since stars annoy with

their pea-brained pol'tics--

include likes of Crow in backlash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 135 Days to Go...

Certain professions are unaffected by our toilet-swimming economy, of course.

In fact, things are thriving for some people.

For instance, if you're a student or amateur writer looking for clips (and no pay)... The world's your oyster!

Of course, the organizations/sites/basement-dwelling losers offering these exciting opportunities might bring you clips unworthy of wiping an ass with, but, hey, rock on...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/27/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Evil of "Pay-to-Pee"

With the recent, impeachment-spurring actions of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich all over the news, there's lots of talk about the not-so-rare phenomenon of "pay-to-play" politics.

The evil of which I speak today is no less a threat to a free society.

While perhaps not dubbing it as such, I doubt I'm the first person to complain about pay-to-pee. It exists when you're out in an entertainment capacity, at a club of some sort, and there's an ass-bastard in the bathroom. Ostensibly to hand you a towel to dry your hands, or procure you some cologne for your cavorting, or some such, but... In reality? They exists merely to give some schmuck an opportunity to milk you for money.

Although most of us have no trouble reaching for a towel to dry our hands, and have their own cologne at home to put on BEFORE we go out... Practically speaking, if we're the decent sort, we HAVE to give the bastard a buck, or whatever, if we use the washroom.

Hence, pay-to-pee. It's an un-American--in fact terrorist--activity.

Now, I don't frequent the type of establishment typically referred to as a "club." Waiting in long lines for the privilege of paying an outrageous cover (and often being judged to allow entrance), "thump-thump" crap music you can't hear yourself think over, guys in gold chains and far too much cologne--those places are for sucks.

But I do perform frequently at music clubs. Thankfully, most don't have these pay-to-pee bastards, but I encountered one that does, sometimes, recently.

To make matters worse, I was dead broke. I usually reserve some cash--even though the staff will generally give me a beverage, as the emcee, I feel obligated to tip a buck or so. But Chicago's public transit had stolen much of my cash (another story, another time) so I was completely cashless.

I tried to avoid peeing but... I can't make it through a four-hour music show without peeing. And it was amazing that I only went once.

I suppose I could've explained myself to the dirtfuck. But I just snuck out without washing my hands. (I only peed, folks--and was careful not to...you know, hit my hands or anything.) To make matters worse, the shit-fer-brains CAME UP TO ME, cutting me off from my sneaky exit. Perhaps since I was wearing a sport jacket, he figured I had money. Or perhaps since times are tough, in case you haven't read.

But I just maneuvered around him and left.

Yeah, times are tough. But especially since times are so damn tough, this pay-to-pee business has got to stop...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2009:

A couple hit beach--her bikini

fit her hot bod nice! ’Twas so teeny!

Un-ample swim trucks

had him spend time dunked

'neath water to hide engorged weenie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 134 Days to Go...

Headline:

"Porn Bidding War Over Octomom"

Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhhh!

For the love of all that is good and sacred in the world... Yeah, another Friday the 13th is coming up but... That's a couple weeks off! At least let us steel ourselves for it!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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