Daily Limerick
Archives:  January 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2009:

We'd wish you a Happy New Year

but, if single, your goal is clear:

Festive inhibitions

are lowered. Your mission?

Get yourself some Happy New Rear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 192 Days to Go...

From all of us at Daily Limerick, to all of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (with the possible exception of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich)... Happy New Year!...

Okay, okay, a little news (or news-like stuff) to start the year off right... Let's take inventory here:

Economists have pointed out that OF COURSE Starbucks is suffering, as its whole business model is based on needless, overpriced purchases.

It'd be absolutely ridiculous for the government to even SUGGEST bailing out Starbucks--or any company like it.

In other news, a certain industry that thrives on knucklehead consumers buying vastly overpriced, new transport boxes on wheels far more often than needed HAS in fact been given a bailout. And one costing us all TRILLIONS!...

Make that top nugget end with: Happy Doomed Year!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2009:

The Big Three's boo-hoos do conceal

their role in econ'my unreal.

Took price and engorged it

to just short of mortgage--

for a mere transport box on wheels!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 191 Days to Go...

Leave us alone.

Time to take down the Christmas Tree, and the lights, and all those CDs, and... (Sigh)...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/2/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Entertain Yourself!

Seriously. Entertain Yourself.

The EY Team is still out for the Holidays and all but... Well, the typical way of doing things is to blow your party/goof-off load for the Holidays and then crack down, "all work, no play"... But we firmly believe it's best to live a more balanced life.

That's why we really don't make "resolutions," per se. We're constantly working on bettering ourselves. (Hard to tell, we know.) So don't just give in to the January-February, Post-Holiday Malaise.

Entertain Yourself. Really. We'd give a tip or two but, again, the Team is still out...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2009:

Though painful pinch hit her at first

she soon developed quite a thirst--

became anal slut

for, once 'twas in butt,

the pleasure kept coming in bursts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 190 Days to Go...

By the way, we found SOME hope for humanity in the fact that the "adult" ads on Craig's List slowed WAY down through the Holidays.

See, we check the adult ads, or the Chief Limericist does, because there are occasionally writing gigs therein and... Ahem.

Anyway... Hope... Blah blah blah...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2009:

In newspaper, with, "Pfft!" I greet 'em-

"society" columns. They be dumb!

'Sides friends of who writes 'em

and those named insides 'em

does anyone actually read 'em?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 189 Days to Go...

An 89-year-old woman, arrested for snatching a neighbor kid's football after it landed in her yard, is countersuing the boy's parents because all of the balls and toys landing in her yard have caused her "emotional distress."

In case you're STILL in denial that the joyous Season of "goodwill to mankind" is over...

Concerning our financial situation... Well, again, America is only alive because our two warring factions of nutballs manage to balance out okay.

Those among the militant, fundamentalist Liberalism crowd are blaming the likes of Milton Friedman, the late economist advocating free market policies and hands-off government. Those among the militant, fundamentalist Conservatism crowd are refusing to jump the Friedman ship, arguing that if we just ride this out, the economy will correct itself.

Who's right? Well neither, of course.

The whackjob worshippers at the altar of dogmatic Conservatism are right in that these incompetent, evil-doer banks, automakers, etc. should NOT receive any sort of aid.

The whackjop worshippers at the alter of dogmatic Liberalism are right in that some bailout should occur... Only their evidently fact-addled in not realizing that, in taking those wasted trillions and instead giving them to American families, each family would thus have $70,000 plus extra--virtually ensuring the end of this recession, prevention of a depression and the quick creation of banks and car makers to replace the hopeless models we're apparently stuck with (at least until their coddled CEOs drive the companies into the ground yet again and coming looking for future bailouts).

What's more, the Liberal Papacy is ignoring fundamental Liberal Scripture in not batting an eye at the anti-competitive angle here--that we've allowed monsters like Citigroup to gobble up the capitalist sphere, ignoring the wisdom of anti-trust laws and paving the way for this crisis to begin with. That is, if we DIDN'T have all of our banking/lending in the hands of a few behemoths, and rather had hundreds of banks dealing with this stuff, we wouldn't NEED this welfare for the lucky few as, statistically speaking, not every one of these banks would be teabagging their incompetent CEOs.

We could just let the managerially retarded companies fail and let the smarter ones survive. Funny how the Darwinist Dogma of the Liberal Clerics doesn't apply to our economy, huh?

What's really frightening today is that, rather than the two idiot forces of American government accidentally balancing out with an intelligent middle, we have the worst of possible scenarios:

We're following the Government Bailout Sacrament of the Liberal Church...to fund the Anti-Competitive Conglomerates of the Conservative Church Scripture.

So, really, while this all generates a facade of government cooperation it's really confusion on all sides and a failed, half-assed attempt at the ideal. Not so much bipartisan as...bipartisan curious...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/4/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

...We're over the Holiday Taint, and the Holidays, once again.

Just took down the tree and all. (Sigh.) Allow us time to adjust.

We'll return next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/4/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Little notes

 

One said the snow melts

on the tongue like

god's breath in the windows.

 

Another had the sensation

of swallowing hard

while realizing something

right in front of you

in the woods.

 

One, tucked under the windshield,

said "You left your blinker on

all day. I kept waiting for

you to turn."

 

After that I did not

find one again.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2009:

Now Congress' claims are quite spurious;

the partisan fights, still injurious.

Claim to work together

but, birds of a feather...

At best, they're bipartisan curious!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 188 Days to Go...

We have a game for you:

The next time you see an advice column--you know, wherein people look to solutions to their problems not from friends and family but from some self-dubbed "expert"--look to the letters, look to the "expert" answers, then ask yourself... Who's the bigger idiot?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2009:

Pro-ethanol folks say it's "green"--

Big Corn Farmers profit obscene!

Saves wee bit of gas;

rapes farm land en masse--

gives fake "green" cred for counting beans!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 187 Days to Go...

(Sigh.)

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

It was actually YESTERDAY that we took down the Christmas Tree. Because, you know, with all the Family Fest of the Holidays, had to do a Special Christmas with just I and M'Lady...and New Year's Day was a Thursday, meaning the next day was a Friday and figured I'd leave it up for that weekend and... (Sigh.)

More on that in Sunday Story Time.

But as they say, you can carry a little Christmas with you throughout the year.

So... Peace on Earth, goodwill to Hot Chicks.

Or whatever...

(Sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2009:

Our finance mess makes one thing clear:

fluff purchases may disappear.

O'erpriced coffee cups

peddled by Starbucks

and buying new cars each few years!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 186 Days to Go...

Many who closely follow the media are saying that, despite a rough patch that may last for years, there is indeed hope in the end because people will need traditional newspapers (in whatever form they take) to bring the hard news that bloggers in their parents' basements can't.

Chicago Sun-Times cover headline:

"Can Oprah Get Her Groove Back? Her Fitness Guru Says She was Mildly Depressed"

So... Well, hope for the future of one's profession is overrated, anyway...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/7/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: ...And the Greatest Ethnic Food on Earth is... (Part I)

Yeah--every other publication did their "best" stuff for 2008 a week or weeks ago, but we always thought that stuff lame and we're not talking about 2008 or any other period. We're talking about the Greatest Ethnic Food on Earth of ALL TIME.

It seems most every American I've known picks Italian food as fave. And it's great food. Hearty, wholesome entries. I'm not in love with the tendency to marinara-slap everything, but on the other side of the coin, there's Alfredo and other sauces and, of course, entries without sauces. Plus, pizza is the single greatest dish of all time, which throws a lot of points in their bucket.

Mexican bring to mind, for some, the same argument against the marinara-happy attitude--that many dishes seem too similar, what with tomatoes, onions, cheeze, lettuce, spiced meat and a tortilla forming the bulk of ingredients lists for most popular dishes. But... Well, same counter-argument (minus, of course, pizza).

I'm not gonna run down every ethnicity. And, of course, these finalists can also be broken down according to regions and such.

Indian food warrants a finalist spot--uniquely spicy. Chinese--experts at making the vegetables just as tasty as the rest. And although there certainly is a category known as "American food," I'll just single out American Southern as a finalist--fried chicken and red beans and greens and... Mmm.

So there are the finalists. Tune-in next week to learn the winner...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2009:

A birthday today? Heed the call!

It's Elvis Presley's--have a ball!

Worship cotton panties

and pop... Well, just candy--

not Percodan and Demerol!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 185 Days to Go...

Happy Elvis' Birthday!...

As a frequent critic of the National Hockey League, specifically the Chicago Blackhawks and their decades-spanning refusal to televise the sport (and curiously concurrent decline in fan interest... Oh, Chief Limericist checking in, here... I thought I should admit that, since the old bastard Bill Wirtz died (former Blackhawks owner), and they've started televising games and investing in the team, I've become a serious hockey fan.

Just thought I'd come clean.

And now, on to REAL news...

Jennifer Love Hewitt has officially dumped her fiance...some shmuck I won't dignify by naming.

I'll be hearing from her any time now, I'm guessin'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2009:

Inagural preacher... Rick Warren?

To Right's nutjobs, Obama's whorin'!

Anti- gay and Jew!

Hey, we shoulda knew

mere handful of "change" we'd be scorin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 184 Days to Go...

Ah! So good to be alive! New Year, a beautiful frosting of snow on the ground, days ever so slowly getting longer again... And, better than watching the sunset in a national park, the sights and sounds of politicians going down in scandal hard...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/9/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Circus!

Yeah. That's right. I said "The Circus." Well, actually, I said "The Circus!"--and there's reason for the explanation point.

Due to circumstances I won't describe, partly because they're unexciting, I attended the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey deal in late 2008. There were lions and elephants and monkeys and flying young men and women and clowns and... Well. I suppose you know what a circus entails. But if you, like I, haven't attended since childhood, it's a great time.

Easy to make fun of as "bad old school" and corny but... Gotta admit I enjoyed the shit out of it.

In fact, the worst part of the latest show was what they've done to MODERNIZE it. Made it into a wannabe-rockin' musical-ish thing, ala "High School Musical" or something. Had a lame subplot with a Euro clown trying to take over. Stuff like that.

So when one comes to town, get thee to a circus. Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya' (but don't expect anything from the recommendation)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2009:

So tempting--but, first, let broth thicken.

Wait, wait--test with fingers, taste lickin's...

A good pussy priming

takes same prep and timing

as with soup--'fore bonin' the chicken!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 183 Days to Go...

Okay, many moons ago we ran a feature called, "Laughing at Strangers for No Good Reason," in which we mostly made fun of people with funny names.

We stopped doing the feature because we found ourselves mostly picking them from obituaries, and somebody wrote in all incensed as we made fun of her deceased father and... Well, we sorta apologized and stopped the feature.

The guy in question wasn't a public figure and... Well, perhaps most importantly, the feature wasn't funny.

However... Well, now we find an obituary for someone who WAS a public figure--an Illinois state senator, actually, who was most noted for backing a lame-o, ironically anti-American law requiring children to say the Pledge of Allegiance and... Well:

John J. Nimrod, 1922-2009.

He hee... NIMROD!... Whoo hoo hoo...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2009:

Our beautiful world--sights and sounds!

Kids playing, fresh snow on the ground...

And Life's myst'ries boggle;

good friends, chicks to ogle...

And politicians going down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 182 Days to Go...

Football playoffs and OUR team isn't in the playoffs, but we wanna watch, and we wanna root for somebody and... Well, we end up feeling like chicks.

See, we were rooting for the Baltimore Ravens and the Arizona Cardinals yesterday because... Well RAVENS? Poe? And the Cardinals were once a Chicago team, which the Chief Limericist's grandfather liked, actually, hating George Halas and thus the Bears... Today's games get trickier.

The Philadelphia Eagles over the New York Giants, we guess, because the Giants won last year and Philly is a cool city... Then again, we kinda like the Giants players... And the San Diego Chargers over the Pittsburgh Steelers because we have family in San Diego... Then again... Hmmm.

See what we mean? It may come down to who has the cooler uniforms. Somebody intervene if we start going by the nicest asses or something...

Me must point out, however, that we'd much prefer to watch football with chicks--meaning stereotypical chicks, that is; we of course know that many babes know more about sports than we do--than with fantasy football shmucks.

They don't even root for TEAMS, those anal monkeys. They dwell in their own nerd-ass bizarro worlds, rooting for THAT wide receiver who may end up against THIS linebacker in the real world, but who's on their geeko "team" in their fantasy world and... And the major sports leagues embrace these dweebs, and newspapers waste valuable space indulging them and... Hey, guys: "Dungeons and Dragons" is more fun--and realistically makes more sense--while the net result with the ladies is the same...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/11/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Man Who Pretended He Was In College

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who've been reading DL for even a mere couple of weeks know that I go nutty for Christmas and pretty much transform into Sloopy Claus.

You likewise know that the end of the Holidays hits me like a ton of shit and leaves me in an awful, horrible funk.

Armchair therapists can probably discern why I've been known to become a De-Christmasing Fascist in early January, bitchin' and moanin' about people leaving decorations up too long--and why I take them down promptly myself:

It literally HURTS me to continue having the tree and lights and other baubles up and out. Some, maybe, can cling to the "continuing Christmas" and take some umbrage there but... It just depresses me, cries out, "Christmas is over--this whole aura is thus phony!"

But you know what it REALLY is? I can SEE myself becoming a pathetic wretch, in denial that the Season's over, keeping that tree up into July.

You see... Having been through some battles with the battle, I can empathize with almost ANYBODY--nuts talking to themselves included. I've been good about reminding myself: "Make all the fun you want, but YOU were mere steps away from that fate and YOU could still go that way."

Once at college, I worked in a "student mentor" program and ended up working for the summer session, too. But as opposed to the "regular" school year, during summer the college was practically empty. I had a vision, of sorts, about an older guy, many moons out of college, attending an empty campus and pretending that he was still living the college life and... Well, I could empathize with THAT, too.

So while I keep my celebrations from AFTER Thanksgiving to...soon after the New Year, perhaps allowing an additional weekend or through a late Christmas exchange with friends or M'Lady or whatever--and I do it largely to keep Christmas special, by not overdoing it and thus having a shorter Holiday Season stick-out from more of the "regular" year... I also do it to stop myself from going full-on nuts.

Once, after de-Christmasing my place, I had a vision of a guy running de-Christmasing, feeling empty and sad--and running BACK outside, hauling the tree back in, redecorating... And you know what?

That somebody COULD be me.

So I keep it short and special.

The Holidays are over. (Sigh) and all but... I'm mostly over the funk and moving on. Really, earning the extra Fun Points for NEXT Christmas, you could say...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/11/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Object lesson

 

The room is cold, yet alive.

Objects become more once they're loved.

They go from being clocks and phones

and bowls of cereal, plain things.

They change into reminders and pleasures

and something to eat.

 

It's impossible to see someone's pillow

and not immediately think of it as her pillow,

or his pillow. The same with books. Creased

spines and dog-eared pages. Sometimes a secret:

a tiny blood stain or words written in the margin,

a ribbed tear from an eraser.

 

These objects glow with personality.

Mostly they reaffirm what you think is right,

safe, and soft in this world.

Occasionally they gang up. Love pouring out,

they sneer, we can't believe it's been two Novembers

since last you were kissed.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/11/2009:

> SUBJECT: Remember how Obama said that he wasn't going to take your guns?

> ...Well, it seems that his allies in the anti-gun world have no problem

> with taking your ammo!

>

> The bill that is being pushed in 18 states (including Illinois and

> Indiana)...

It goes on. And on. And on... And... What the hell? As long as somebody sees fit to include Daily Limerick on a list of newsworthy entities, we'll give you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers the link to learn more:

> http://ammunitionaccountability.org/Legislation.htm

Now... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We supported Obama. But also recall that we reminded you that, as with EVERY election, we can only support anyone who's "political material" by default, as the lesser of evils, because... Well, in short so as not to digress, anybody who manages to please enough of the Moron Majority to get elected is going to talk out of both sides of his/her mouth and his/her promises will, by definition of "politician," mean shit.

The more things "change," the more they stay the same...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2009:

Men say clueless, sport-watching dames

turn Game Day experience lame.

But play'r-, not team-, rooting?

fantasy league dude-ies

are ones who can REALLY ruin games!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 181 Days to Go...

Funny, but a few years back, when California elected Gov. Ahh-nold, we'd never have guessed that, here and now, we here in ILLINOIS would have the Goofball Governor...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2009:

They're models, really, who emote--

and of millions, caught Lucky Boat.

They're B-List of season--

awards shows' self-pleasin'--

why not call 'em the "Golden Gloats"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 180 Days to Go...

Shouldn't Spike TV rightfully go off the air during NFL playoff games?

Likewise, shouldn't E!, Lifetime, etc. shut down for drivel like "The Golden Gloats"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2009:

In Cali, it fits like a glove--

"Term'nator" leads; Flake Fest we love!

Year back, Land of Lincoln

folks sure weren't thinkin'

that WE'D soon have goofiest gov.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 179 Days to Go...

Lil' background first:

Despite the fact that the City of Chicago's budget is so screwed that it can't even afford to plow snow from our side streets effectively, Mayor Richard M. Daley is preoccupied with bringing the money-wasting, corporate farce better known as "The Olympics" to Chicago in 2016.

Meanwhile... Have you been paying attention to Illinois politics as they've hit the national stage? Well, our soon-to-be-impeached, living-clown-wig-bearing governor rushed to appoint one Roland Burris to fill the Senate void Obama will leave, despite overwhelming pleas to have a special election rather than deal with the stank of corruption and... Seems that, amid all the complicated legal red tape, the Senate will go ahead and seat Burris.

Bringing these two sorry scenarios together... Opportunist side-show attraction Burris has been appearing in public wearing a "Chicago 2016" pin.

Now... Somehow, metaphorically, this all makes perfect sense. We can only hope the International Olympic Committee crooks...er, execs are paying attention...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/14/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: ...And the Greatest Ethnic Food on Earth is... (Part II: The Exciting Conclusion)

To recap... Oh, as much as we wanna tease ya' and stoke the anticipation, screw the recap--see last Wednesday's "Part I" in the Archives, if you need it.

The Greatest Ethnic Food on Earth is... Mexican food!

Without focusing on the negatives of the losers and/or runners-up (another reason for screwin' the recap--I did a bit of that last week), let's just say that Mexican food has it all.

Anti-PETA, good ol' world use of red (and oft fatty) meats? Check. (Authentic Mexican food is even cooked in LARD!) Not only tasty, but filling? Check! Variety beyond what's typically attributed to the ethnic style? Check! (Try dishes like "shrimp diablo" or various Mexican steaks!) Veggies and such in the mix--for tastiness purposes, not healthy ones? (Hooray for avocadoes!) Check!

Oh, we could go on. And on. But one more kudos, this one perhaps the most important:

It's spicy as all hell. And while the Chinese red pepper is close, the jalopeno is the greatest hot pepper of all, with the perfect balance of heat and deliciousness.

Go out and throw down a burrito today!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2009:

"Spike TV" takes "men's channel" dare...

Pro "wrestling"? Unwatchable fare!

But for image payoff,

'mid major sport playoffs

shouldn't they just go off the air?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 178 Days to Go...

While reading and such, we've kept local TV news on in the background lately and SWEAR we heard some "news" story about the detrimental effects of... "thirdhand smoke."

We carefully watched our newspaper. Kept an ear out during the reading/TV ritual and... Nothing more.

Could it be that one of these wannabe do-gooder, agenda-addled "scientists" finally said... "You know... Perhaps, at some point, as, you know, SCIENTISTS and all we should consider, oh, say...FACTS?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2009:

In Vegas, perhaps we'll soon see

new odds based on our economy:

Which biz will next give layoffs

or, for really big payoff,

next retailer to cry "bankruptcy!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 177 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

I got right on it and made an appointment to have my taxes done next week.

See, I've got write-offs coming, as a taxpayer, with all these new dependents--AIG Insurance, the Big Three automakers, all of those banks...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/16/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"

You might be suspicious of today recommendation, a film, in this case. And I can't blame ya'.

For one, horror/monster movies and comedies don't mesh well. Oh, there are worthy parody efforts, but I prefer my flicks to be straight up one or the other. (And these two are pretty much the only genres I seek out regularly, unless you count porn.)

And Abbott and Costello? I'm of the opinion that they were great vaudeville/live performers who didn't make a full translation to the full-on Silver Screen/TV Cultural Takeover. They have some knock-down, drag-out brilliant stuff--and NOT just "Who's on First?"--but... Let's just say they're far from my favorite old time film comedians.

But this flick has it all. Not only are Bud and Lou funny--and some of their wordplay gags work especially well--but the movie also manages to be scary. It's as if there are TWO different movies workin'...but then again, it's not, because the funny/scary work together coherently, too.

Just thought I'd clue you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in to a rare find. With a rare "Entertain Yourself," too--one that actually has some coherent analysis... Right?... RIGHT?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2009:

A Mexican upped fetish ante

nailing chick while she still wore panties.

Just pulled them aside

and, at end of ride,

shot "salsa" for "panties picante"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 176 Days to Go...

Since it's been so easy to hate the U.S. for the past eight years, ya' gotta figure that al-Qaida's recruitment dudes are some of the few upset that Bush is leaving office...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2009:

For past eight years, we went and made a

foe of former friend states, I'm 'fraid'a.

Few mourn Bush's leaving

pres. post--those most grieving

are recruitment dudes of al-Qaida!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 175 Days to Go...

So the U.N. and, really, anybody following the "How to Be a 'Progressive Liberal' in the 21st Century for Dummies" book, is chastising Israel for launching bombs BACK at the Palestinians who constantly attack them, as Israel, apparently, isn't making enough efforts at peace with a country ruled by an elected party that's platform includes nothing short of Israel's destruction.

Late last week, an Israeli bomb hit the U.N.'s headquarters in the Gaza Strip.

But wait, there's more Metaphorical Magic: Hamas members were FIRING at Israeli soldiers from WITHIN the HQ.

Creationism, Modern Liberalism; potato, potahto...

From an online "freelancer wanted" post:

"...Interested prospects should be male or female between the ages of 20-30..." Hmm.

Guess they just don't want Clay Aiken applying...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/18/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Tale of the Condom

Now and then I find curious items on the street.

I live in Chicago, near Wrigley Field. Kinda borderline between what they call "Wrigleyville" (frat boy-ish, party town) and "Boys' Town" (gay-ish, party town--but actually, gay-which-attracted-chicks, in-turn-attracting-guys, now-generally-hipster-in-addition-to-gay). There's a lot of traffic, and a lot of revelry, so it's no surprise that these items are found.

A single sock. An unopened pack of gum. A pair of underwear. Stuff like that.

Now, I there's often an interesting story behind how these items found their way to abandonment on a sidewalk, alley or whatever. Perhaps more interesting stories exist behind the used condoms I'll happen upon from time to time.

I always wonder, but I'm also sorta used to the stray items. Then, the other day, I saw an abandoned condom--still half in the package, with the end of the wrapper torn of, as if... A heated sexual encounter began--enough to justify opening a condom--and was seemingly stopped in its tracks.

Or perhaps someone said, "Fuck the condom!"

Hmmm.

While I often briefly wonder about these items of detritus, this one kicked-in an extended ponder session.

There's a wellspring of possibilities here. Maybe the guy ripped a condom package open to have it at the ready, being ahead of the game, and forgot about it, losing the pre-opened condom and using another when the time was right. Maybe the Point of Insertion was nearing and he engaged in dirty talk that turned-off his chick (or guy), who slapped him and ran off. Maybe he THOUGHT he was about to nail a chick, but when clothing was removed he discovered otherwise. Maybe the pair was ready to go to town in a car's backseat and a cop happened along... Maybe.

Ah, infinite possibilities exist for the tales of these oddball, abandoned street items. Each unique, like a snowflake...only often a bit less pure and white and all...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/18/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Not the cure, not the cause

 

He mistakes music playing

for the phone ringing;

 

he plays along with the music

when he should be listening

for the phone.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/18/2009:

Just an example of the thoughtful letters we regularly receive here:

> Hi,

>

> I would love to add your site: http://dailylimerick.net/links.htm

> to our Favorite Links page. Do you mind if I do so on my website,

> Upscaleteakfurniture.com?

There are people out there, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, engaged in Web site marketing, who ever so carefully read sites on the Web to find only the most appropriate sources of link exchanges.

Over the years, I've gotten to know you bastards quite well. And if there's ONE thing I can say about Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers for sure, it's that they're simply nuts for upscale teak furniture...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2009:

Why honor the man--MLK?

In hopes that his Dream sees its day--

all races live equal.

But Obama's sequel

explains more than my words can say.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 174 Days to Go...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

We're celebrating by...well, by seeing Obama inaugurated tomorrow; what the hell more can we at Daily Freakin' Limerick do?...

A University of Texas study by psychologists Kristina Durante and Norman Li has "found" that women with high levels of the hormone estradiol are more likely to cheat on their mates.

Meanwhile, somewhere in a legal laboratory, a lawyer laughs maniacally, inching us another step closer to the death of personal responsibility for one's actions...

All part of MLK's Dream gone horribly, terribly wrong...

Speaking of that Dream, here's a Chicago Sun-Times "Correction" from Saturday:

"Some editions of the Sun-Times Friday incorrectly indicated that an attorney of Gov. Blagojevich's former chief of staff John Harris said his client met with authorities. Harris' attorney, Terry Eki, said only that Harris was in preliminary discussions with the U.S. attorney's office."

See, if you and another man or woman make acquaintance in a coffeehouse, shake hands and exchange names, you HAVEN'T "met," but merely "engaged in preliminary discussions."

We, too, have a Dream...and it entails a future wherein all men and women are created equal...except for Goddamned lawyers, who will have their very nutsacks nailed to the wall for harassment like that...

On an unrelated note, Pfizer--you know, the maker of drugs like Viagra that you may have seen an ad for somewhere--is laying off 2,400 employees.

But if at least ONE of them is in their marketing/advertising department, this whole economic meltdown will have not been in vain...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2009:

Though historic day for the nation,

I'll pass on fests for inaug'ration.

Pol'tics can't be hip--

watching celebs flip

makes for eerie-ass celebration.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 173 Days to Go...

Continuing today's topic, here's a "see inside" headline regarding Sunday's inaugural celebration concert, lousy with stars (and "stars"):

"This Generation's Woodstock"

Make it stop. Oh, PLEASE, if there's a God or Gods, this can only mean trouble...

Although everything's apparently right now with the world, all our troubles fixed... Israel declared a ceasefire against Hamas militants in Gaza.

Hamas militants in Gaza, meanwhile... Well, waited to declare ceasefire (and details on that are still sketchy). There are still infidel Jews on their land, which is somehow an A-OK attitude under Modern Liberal dogma.

Consult your "How to be a Modern Progressive Liberal" books, I guess; we can't make sense of it...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/20/2009:

This comes in from Chicago artist Barbara Koenen, whose mass e-mail list we happen to be on:

> On Inauguration Day... I will cut my hair for the first time since 9/11.

> This is very good news. My hair is really too long.

>

> I had shaved my head while vacation September 10, 2001. The next day,

> when Bush responded to the 9/11 tragedy by declaring "War on Terror" and

> urging us to go shopping, I needed to respond.

>

> I vowed not to cut my hair again until the "War on Terror" was over...

(Sigh.) We really couldn't foresee letter writers adding to the theme kicked-off with today's Limerick.

But it reminds us that we really need to start watching the news closer. We didn't realize that, a) More than anything, Bush gets upset when female artists cut their hair; and b) that the radical, militant Islamic world has decided they no longer hate America to their very bones.

But we also received THIS missives:

> SUJECT: The forgotten Clinton years

>

> Allot of people seem to forget that Al-Qaida was recruiting people to go

> after the U.S. long before Bush came into the picture. Therefore,

> Al-Qaida will be recruiting long after he's gone.  Bush just used

> overwhelming force to keep them at bay for 2686 days + since 9/11/2001

>

> The forgotten Clinton years...

This goes on to describe al-Qaida's terrorist antics during the Clinton years.

We could argue a few points. That our points, which this letter writer responds to, were more that Bush stoked hatred or at least dislike of America in the NON al-Qaida world; that, really, without a time machine to play out alternate realities, there's no way to discern whether Bush has or has not prevented any terrorist attacks, and in fact there's a good argument that he in effect CREATED al-Qaida in Iraq and a new war to boost al-Qaida recruitment... But otherwise, this does a better job of answering the last letter than we did...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2009:

With tax time upon you and me

big tax returns we should all see

the IRS sendin'

thanks to new dependents--

the auto and bank industries!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 172 Days to Go...

Yesterday you couldn't open a newspaper, turn-on the TV, or go outside, at least in a major city, without encountering celebration over Obama's inauguration.

Which--if a little much, and celebrity-laden, as we've noted herein--is certainly appropriate. Not only is Bush leaving office, but this is the first black U.S. president.

I was walking to an appointment to have my taxes done--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--and I saw a man walking in the street. Disheveled, talking to himself, but wearing what appeared to be nice, new gym shoes although... They were screwy. One had its tongue yanked out and pulled all the way forward. They didn't fit right, either.

He was a black man.

Progress, yes. Much, much progress, even, but...

Chiefy still checked-in here... I don't own a car because I live in Chicago, where it's mostly easy to get around, and because I lead a starving-artist life.

But I've been complimented numerous times on my small "carbon footprint."

In this case it's environmental--what I like to call "accidental cred"--but I'll take it...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/21/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Anti-Banana Nut Conspiracy

This story goes back to 2005.

I initially happened upon Little Debbie banana nut loaves then. Upon my first encounter, for reasons of shopping budget or whatever, I didn't pick them up when I happened upon them. Which left me with a serious craving to try them.

And then they were gone from the aisles, next time I returned to the store.

I eventually found them in stock, fell in love with the taste, but found more and more evidence to indicate that they weren't the most popular of the Little Debbie line. Very hard to find.

While my local (Chicago area) grocer of choice has long been Jewel, I did find them at the overpriced, "convenience" Dominick's grocery near me. It was a bit closer to me than the Jewel, so I'd occasionally make a foray there, sometimes JUST for banana nut loaves.

Then, that Dominick's burnt to the ground.

I was forced to do without the delights, although a former Lady of mine would pick 'em up for me when she randomly happened upon them. Then, last year, I encountered Little Debbie "banana nut muffins" at my Jewel.

I prefer the loaves (and I think you get more delight for the weight with 'em), but didn't wanna look a gift snack in the mouth. Again, the stocking of the flavor became sporadic, but I lived life under a new sky of hope.

Until... Monday headline:

"Little Debbies Join Peanut Recall"

Yup. It's Conspiracy Theory Time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2009:

The latest in corp'rate downsizing?

Thousands at Pfizer won't be Pfizing!

Markets keep declining--

but there's silver lining

if just ONE'S fired from advertising!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 171 Days to Go...

Although we haven't any Christmas, or Halloween, candy left here in the Daily Limerick Towers, we were nonetheless reading about the salmonella peanut butter scare and found this bit of puzzling advice from the Food and Drug Administration, regarding what to do if you have candy/snacks that fit the retailer/source/timeline profile (ellipses added):

"Throw them away...in a  manner that stops others from eating them."

So... What? Clearly mark them as tainted for any garbage-searching homeless--including a pictograph for the illiterate? Don't toss them anywhere within a three-mile radius of Oprah, Kirstie Alley or the set of "The Biggest Loser"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2009:

I'm urban--no car--which has led

many a "green-ster" to have said

my carbon footprint's

commendable hint--

I'll take the accidental cred!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 170 Days to Go...

Now, we've mined online ads before in the name of laughs, and try to avoid such an easy target but... C'mon! We're no sticklers for "professionalism" for its own sake, but nonetheless... Oh, here's from a Craig's List ad under "talent":

"chicago artist seeking keybroadists for upcoming projects."

Neither are we sticklers for political correctness, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should well know, but... There's gotta be a nicer way to seek female keyboard players...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/23/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Stoneflys

As the Worst Music Critic on the Planet I, naturally, have trouble adequately describing musical acts I mention herein.

But I think I've got it nailed for The Stoneflys (and, yes, it's spelled wrong because some other bastards stole the name first):

Van Morrison's "Moondance."

The Stoneflys cover the song. It's not that I think so much that they sound like Van Morrison but... Somehow, that song was about the best cover they could choose. One could say they're "Moondance-y"--groovy, a bit psychedelic, catchy... That kinda stuff.

Oh, and they're cool dudes. They invited me to do a bit of emcee blathering at an upcoming show, which I don't think I'll be able to do--but they mentioned it was at a venue that always brought-in hot chicks. So they were thinkin' of me.

Anyway... So this one's not TOO bad, is it? Well, you gotta admit I've been trying to spotlight non-music acts here lately...

http://www.myspace.com/thestoneflys

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2009:

A couple's sex life was near dead

so she brought new trick to the bed--

rubbed apricot jelly

on nips--worked so well he

in turn showed her HIS kind of spread!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 169 Days to Go...

Okay, we've recently figured out how to check our site stats regarding where visitors are geographically located and the top countries are, two weeks in a row:

The United States (obviously)... Romania?... the Netherlands... THEN the U.K... I could go on, but the hits drop off after that. A couple of Chinese visitors, for instance. (How they hell do THEY get by the censors?.)

The Netherlands is puzzling--but ROMANIA seems especially odd. Quite a high number of visitors, too--close to 75 percent of the U.S. total! The Netherlands has impressive numbers, too, as does the U.K.

Just a reminder, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, to check-in; send a letter (and/or pic)--especially if you're outside the U.S. and can thus help us look all cosmopolitan and shit.

Romania? (Wonder if they're specifically from Transylvania! That'd kick-ass!)

Anyway, check-in, especially if you're a hot chick. And double especially if you're a hot chick from the Netherlands. Weeeeelll doggies!

Nothing against chicks from anywhere else, of course. Although you Romanian babes... Well, sorta adds new meaning to the unfortunately popular phrases, "Careful with the teeth"...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2009:

When first pon'dring Big Peanut Scare

thought... I've no such products--who cares?

But now my heart's heavy;

avoid... Little Debbie?

It's now become full-on nightmare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 168 Days to Go...

Christmas has officially been over for a month as of today.

Only 11 months to go!... Ahem. (Sigh)...

You know the economy's REALLY in the tank when even the freakin' BLOGGER help-wanted ads drop off!

Meaning that "companies" are having trouble paying writers FIVE FREAKIN' DOLLARS for a FULL GODDAMNED FEATURE...

Here's a little lesson for an Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in the field of, or wanting to go into the field of, advertising.

Headline:

"Oprah Reads the Sun-Times Every Day...Shouldn't You?"

This is the type of thing that's likely to cause the direct opposite of its intended effect...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/25/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Miss Dam's Crayon Philosophy

Miss Dam was a hot art teacher I had in grade school. Eventually she became Mrs. Something-or-Other, but she was still a Miss to me. (Although I had no idea what exactly to do about the tingle-in-the-pants she gave me.) She had strawberry blonde hair, ever so light freckles... But that's all beside the point.

One day, in class, somebody was complaining that they didn't want to draw too hard--it'd damage his/her brand new crayons.

And Ms. Dam said, "You should be happy every time you chip a crayon because that's what crayons are for--you're supposed to USE them to draw."

Words to live by...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/25/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Silent phone

 

In the silence I am buffeted

by thoughts that grow larger,

and the governor that tells me

which thoughts are right,

which are wrong,

has left the room.

 

But he missed the light switch --

so sickly fluorescents

scorch the details

with no definition,

a throbbing hum

whiter than paper.

 

Please, just call back

and tell me something,

even "This cannot go on,"

if that's your decision.

To know is relief.

So just let me know.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2009:

"Blogger" ads are down--where you crank

out full articles for a "Thanks"

and five measly bucks!

If THEIR budget's fucked

economy's REALLY in tank!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 167 Days to Go...

So NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin is creating a Spike TV program whereby "reality" contestants compete for a spot on the Dallas Cowboys. "American Idol" is the show's model.

This brings to mind many questions in they're truly seeking "Idol" parity:

How will they ensure that the "winner" fades from public memory within a few months? Will they enlist judges responsible for destroying the football industry? And will they find a cranky, idiot judge with an English accent who says things that are only funny BECAUSE they're said in an English accent? How will they ensure that only 14-year-olds watch?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2009:

Mike Irvin plans "Idol"-like game;

winner, to the Cowboys is named

for their football team

but, like "Idol" dreams,

will play'r leave in months--'cause he's lame?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 166 Days to Go...

The latest Obama family "news"... Barack bought Michelle a pair of diamond earrings worth $5,000 for her birthday. Michelle reportedly returned the earrings for a pair she liked better, valued at $12,000.

The jeweler involved was interviewed for the story and claimed this was "normal couple behavior" and in fact "sweet." (Which frightens us to no end.) But in our experience... Well, Chief Limericist checking in, here.

My ex-wife pulled a stunt like this. It in fact involved the engagement ring, however and... We'll leave it at that.

Question is... Well, my marriage failed and, in order to learn from past mistakes, I was assuming that a jewelry-exchange stunt like this was a Full-On, Honkin' Red Flag.

So... Do any Slapper Grasshoppers have input on this? My gut reaction was to predict marriage failure for the Obamas but there are a lot of key differences in the stories (not to mention marriages; or the fact that jewelers are...well, jewelers)... For instance, Barack brings in a bit more moolah than I...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2009:

First Lady returned birthday jewels

for more 'spensive ones, thought more cool...

Normal, folks are citin'

but, to me's, a frightin'--

guess Love's truly a game for fools!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 165 Days to Go...

A girls' high school basketball game in Texas has become a national story because, rather than keep their superior playing ability in check for a kids' basketball game, Covenant walloped Dallas Academy 100 to 0. Coach Micah Grimes lost his job over the incident.

Okay, we only have the Super Bowl left of the football season. (The Pro Bowl doesn't count.) We say: Suit up the Covenant girls and schedule an additional Fun Game versus the Detroit Lions! Sound like a great match-up...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/28/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Eat It!"...

...Is taking the week off.

What? First blow-off of 2009... We'll return next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2009:

Girls b-ball, high school team, no shyin'

'way from 100-0--oh my!--win.

With football near done

suit girls up, for fun--

might be good match for Detroit Lions!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 164 Days to Go...

Yesterday, we wrote about the Texas girls' high school basketball slaughter wherein Covenant mopped up the floor with Dallas Academy, romping 100 to 0.

Today we'd like to ask of fired coach Micah Grimes... Who do you think you are? Bill Belichick?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2009:

Post dose of surreal comic fare

Blagojevic has been declared

impeached. Life disgraced!

Plus, jail he'll soon face!

And yet he's still got... Well, his hair.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 163 Days to Go...

Here in Illinois, the impeachment trial of whackjob Gov. Rod Blagojevich has been underway all week and... The state Senate has censored the profanity-laden audio tapes documenting his attempts to sell everything short of Abraham Lincoln's corpse.

Seems they did this to preserve something called "Senate Decorum."

We thought that legislative decorum hokum went out on that historic (yet delightful) day when, during the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court appointment hearings, a movie titled "Long Dong Silver" entered the stuffy Senate record...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/30/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Entertain Yourself"...

...Is too weak for an edition this week. Fasting to take full advantage of Sunday's Super Bowl Party... Next week, ya' bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2009:

Super Bowl--nurse that hot wing bone;

ball 'gainst tight end as pass gap's growin'...

Nail that wide receiver--

and, to stoke fan fever,

from there, take it into end zone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 162 Days to Go...

So, as part of a personal injury case, the Wisconsin Supreme Court has rule that cheerleading is, in fact, a "contact sport."

He he... Ahem.

Oh, this is too easy, even for us... Or, come to think of it, maybe it's not easy enough, really...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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