Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2009:

Since pols had invested, 'twas, "Thanks!"--

the billions to boneheaded banks.

So rather than jail

for seedy ducks failed--

it's taxpayers taking the shanks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 11 Days to Go...

One of the most frightening things about Bernie Madoff is... Well, look at him.

The white hair.

The hairstyle itself.

The glasses.

And it's hard to imagine that calculating bastard having a look, or anything, by accident.

Ass clown looks like one of our freakin' Founding Fathers, don't he?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/1/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chew on THIS Accomplishment!

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall... Aw, it's lucky that you guys remember to tie your shoes! To recap:

I once had a Halloween tradition of buying a Wonka variety candy bag, a honkin' 2-pound variety, but they've puttered with the pudding over the years, sticking me with mostly freakin' Laffy Taffy in 2008--and a mere two flavors, at that--thus ending my (admittedly brief) tradition. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers seeking to refresh on more details, tiptoe through the (Ar)chives.

Laffy Taffy being, for me, the type of candy I can eat a little of here and there, but not as a main stomach-filling snack, I've been stuck with Laffy Taffy since last Halloween, as I ate all of the other stuff long ago--I tried eat more Laffy Taffy between other types, to balance things out...but there was just too much of the damn stuff.

Not wanting to be wasteful--although I considered giving the bag to the homeless--I've forced myself to eat one piece of the stuff with each snacking session. At first, it was two pieces--one of the berry, another of the banana--but soon the mass was all banana.

Well... I finished the Evil Wonka Bag as of last weekend.

Never hurts to have an extra sense of accomplishment thrown your way...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2009:

Now, news folks, before pen does spooj

describing peeps 'mid news deluge,

heed your mental sorter

don't use "HUGE supporter"

describing someone who's, well, huge!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 10 Days to Go...

With the traditional Media dying, and enacting comical "fixes" to adapt to a rapidly changing world... Well, we take stock in the little things as a way of keeping hope.

F'rinstance... Today marks the first day since Michael Jackson's June 25 death that a related headline has not appeared on our newspaper's front page.

Okay, so we're taking stock in the teensy-weensy things...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2009:

O'er Media's state, I could rage

but, to keep my ire somewhat caged,

let small things cheer me--

like news, finally,

let Jacko's death leave the front page!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 9 Days to Go...

Illinois' minimum wage is rising 25 cents to... $8 an hour!

Meaning Illinois' minimum wage-earning residents can now enjoy...adding a little cat food to their ramen noodles!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/3/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fireworks

Fourth of July weekend.

See today's edition's title.

Repeat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2009:

Launch fireworks this Fourth of July?

Take extra care--watch where they fly!

It's safe, girls, to handle

my...er, Roman candle--

but you may want to shield your eyes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 8 Days to Go...

At last! I've read about a so-called "blogger" I've actually heard of! (Oh--Chief Limericist checked-in, here.)

Her name's Meghan McCain and... Oh THAT'S why I've heard of her...

P.S. I'd do her...

P.P.S. I'd do the livin' crap out of her, actually...

P.P.S.S. No P.P.S.S...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday (and Independence Day, while I'm at it)!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2009:

With 'conomy making most nervous

seems there's keep-job plan that's imperv'yous--

at least in retail

folks work, without fail,

if they give crap customer service!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 7 Days to Go...

Perhaps it's silly to copyedit annoying mass e-mails but... Well, here's a subject from Evite:

"Party like a rock star with Guitar Hero"

Excuse our grammatical nerdiness, but that should read, "Party like a DORK-ASS WANNABE with Guitar Hero"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/5/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Fourth of July Weekend...

...And, as my way of celebrating the American Way, I'm taking the day off.

Tryin' to get fat, while I'm at it, too... Oh, come off it! I'm obviously a true patriot, celebrating the First Amendment all the time and... Well, shouldn't you be seein' a doctor about the digits you blew off with the fireworks, rather than reading this slop, anyway?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/5/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Ghosting

 

Your skin is like the rain:

warm, insistent, rhythmic,

 

a place and a time

ghosting out the scenery.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2009:

That Madoff cat's sure target fodder

but one thing that brings me great bother...

Glasses and haircut,

hair color and such--

his look's that of a Founding Father!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 6 Days to Go...

So the Feds are gonna ban some prescription drugs, on the heels of Michael Jackson's Elvis-esque death, including Demerol, Vicodin and others.

That oughta do it. You won't be seein' anybody gettin' their hands on any Vicodin. Just like with marijuana, cocaine, LSD, heroin...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2009:

A "blogger" I've heard of--how quaint!

That's just 'cause she's Meghan MCCAIN(t)!

I ain't read her blog

but I get a log

just thinkin' 'bout nibblin' her taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 5 Days to Go...

So the Washington Post has decided against its plan to sell high-priced seats to business leaders and lobbyists special dinners with politicians and journalists. The brainchild caused a hubbub, of course, as you don't need to be an ethics professor to spot the possible trouble.

Then again, the Post was really just doing what every other traditional newspaper is now doing--trying to be more like blogs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2009:

New War on Drugs front may begin--

Dems mull ban on likes Vicodin!

Like coke, marijuana

will still find, if wanna--

Black Market scores "War's" only wins!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 4 Days to Go...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers had better well know that I'm avoiding FaceBook and Twitter at all costs.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I was pushed and dragged into creating a MySpace, actually two of them, a while back and must announce... Still regret it. Huge freakin' waste of time I put up with because I allegedly HAVE to do it in today's ever-changing tech landscape.

Supposed to be a great business and marketing tool. So far, has got me stalked and wasted countless productive hours checking in to find mass-sent comments and messages from bands and such for things I have no time to participate in. Despite wasting even more precious time posting performance/Daily Limerick bulletins and blogs, to my knowledge, I have not gained any readers, performance spectators or gigs through such "social networking."

The other day, I received an e-mail from yet another person who wants to "keep up with" me on... Twitter.

This being somebody in charge of an important project I'm involved with... Well, I broke out in cold sweats. "Am I going to get forced into... Twitter?" I nearly pulled a stomach muscle shuddering. But I started to re-consider joining yet another Great Social Networking Time Waster...and then... A couple of quotes from a Chicago Tribune, e-mail update thingie:

"Facebook Warning: Researchers say personal data easy to find on Facebook and other social media sites makes guessing someone's Social Security number easier than ever..." and "Twitter Becoming Scammers' Tool"... Ahem.

Call me a dinosaur, if you will--but the time us humans have ruled the world is but a drop in the bucket compared to the dinosaurs' rein, and I'm learning more every day about the very good reasons behind that fact...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/8/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hamburger Grilling Tips

In my other life, as a writer/editor (driven to freelance partly because of the shit-based economy), I am editing a cookbook. So you may see some tips in this section in the near future that are actually useful!

Concerning the grilling of hamburgers, I have a couple tips for ya' today.

One, don't worry about shelling out for leaner ground beef. The extra fat/grease mostly burns away during the grilling process.

And, two, don't take the spatula and press down on the burgers as they cook. That looses all the juices. (Save looses of juices for another recreational activity.)

I know, I know. You see EVERYBODY and their second cousin doing that, thinking they're regular grillmeisters.

But it's lame. Knock it off... Unless you want shitty burgers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2009:

In Ill'nois, min'mum wage breadwinners

get one quarter more per hour--glimmer

of hope for their mood.

Can now add cat food

to nightly ramen noodle dinners!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 3 Days to Go...

Am I the only one (Chief Limericist checking in, here) who feels that, the more Greenpeace canvassers approach me on the street, the more I'm curiously compelled to go out and harpoon a whale?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2009:

Though "green" groups' core missions I hail

their street teams annoy, without fail--

don't cause me to splurge

but bring me strange urge

to go out and harpoon a whale!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 2 Days to Go...

I know, I know--it's easy to get annoyed with the story's omnipresence in the news, but still, a great man has left this earth.

Oscar Mayer, dead at 95...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Abuse of Rx Drugs 'Only Second to Abuse of Marijuana'"

While that may be true, keep in mind that, since marijuana is, for ridiculous reasons, illegal, ANY use of reefer is considered "abuse."

Meaning marijuana abuse may in fact be only second to abuse of power...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/10/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dynamics in TV and Movies

You know what's missing from TV--and even a lot of movies--these days? Dynamics.

It's largely lacking in music, too--dynamics, you know, or fluctuating volume levels.

In watching old shows like "The Twilight Zone," I've noted a greater use of dynamics. Even older sitcoms use dynamics, but you generally have to go WAY back--"The Honeymooners," as one example.

To be completely fair, TV DOES use some dynamics. Commercials generally have a much higher volume, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2009:

At barbecue, beans gave her gas--

but she still craved one up the ass,

which still was quite fun

for her lucky hun--

in fact, could say he had a blast!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 1 Day to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Squeegee Attack Leads to Arrest"

Now that they're obviously running out of ideas for those themed Monopoly sets... How's about giving Clue the same treatment?

"I'm gonna say... Mr. Drunk, in the Gas Station, with the squeegee"...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2009:

My Limerick Jones makes some folks nervous--

today marks decade of, er, "service"!

In grand scheme of things

ain't real big wing-ding--

expressing myself as a perv'ous!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... TODAY! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

In case you've been skipping the running ticker nugget above for the last year... Well, today marks 10 YEARS for Daily Limerick.

Now, we've been admittedly lazy from time to time in filling this site with content but, really, if we've EVER truly deserved a day off from this section...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/12/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Did Ya' Hear?...

...Daily Limerick hits TEN FREAKIN' YEARS of this crap today!

At the very least, that's a Limerick every Goddamn day for a decade. Usually, that's also included a, er, "witty" new nugget and perhaps even a special section, like this one...speaking of which, I'm taking off to celebrate while I await the mailings of all those cheeze and cold cut platters you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have undoubtedly mailed us...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/12/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Not built for late nights

 

Our bodies are not built for late nights.

They run aground and collapse too easily

into bed -- though not necessarily for sleep,

not necessarily for anything but the drift.

 

The struggle is trying to stay awake and

finish a chapter before my eyes close.

I can't remember when I last heard a full album,

if I ever did, at night. Even radio shows

 

blur out. The secret language of advertisements,

Buy, Free, Now, the urging syntax that shapes

my dreams. I wake up with a blank taste

in my mouth and behind my eyes the alarm clock

 

beeps, beeps. Punctuation without lyrics,

easily dispelled by the movement of my hand.

Our limbs quietly touching as we wander up,

half-new, as morning paints the room.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2009:

Just get one day marking 10 Years--

yesterday--and, just so it's clear,

that's when I wrote this one.

MY day, so won't miss one

more chance to fire this theme out rear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

You do realize that today's Daily Limerick entries were in fact penned yesterday--so as to post today's edition around midnight as the day begins.

And yesterday, of course, marked 10 YEARS of Daily Limerick.

You're lucky you get a Limerick today, butt-monkeys...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2009:

> Congradulations on 3650 limericks.  You should only live to be 36500!

Not only are the "congrats" on 10 Years of, er, Service rolling in... But so are the "Congrads"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2009:

Rare lawsuits wherein guys will grouse

in Big D, that someone "stole" spouse--

rare wins, but allowed.

To dweebdom, guys bow--

and prob'ly are hung like a mouse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

You're heard, perhaps, that we hit 10 YEARS of doing this Limerick (and more)-a-day thing last Sunday, July 12?

Okay, now as we've pointed out, in order to post the new edition at midnight, each day's edition is in actuality written the PREVIOUS day. Thus, on-the-ball-ish Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should've noted that I sorta took off yesterday, for this section anyway.

Now, do you know how many businesses give you a weekday off when a holiday that normally would be a day off falls on a weekend?

Well...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/14/2009:

...And the "congrats" on 10 Years of Service, a mark we hit last Sunday, July 12, keep pouring in!

Well, maybe rolling in.

Ahem.

In any event, they're coming in at some pace or other:

> Congrats on 10 years, John! A whole decade of ..... this.

> Wow, you must be so proud. :) But in all seriousness, it

> is quite an accomplishment. I hope you celebrate in style,

> most likely by getting back to the grind of putting out a

> Daily Limerick every day.

>

> Mike

That's, of course, Mike of "Mike's Accursed Verse" um, "fame" checking in--you know, one of our special Sunday sections?

Thanks--for the kudos (God, we hate that word, but we just used "congrats) AND for the celebrating tip. Nothin' like kickin' back and writing Limericks for a little R&R!

In any event, "getting back to the grind" is a good idea. Could use a good grind about now... May have to settle for gettin' it with coffee beans for now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2009:

That Facebook and Twitter? Not on.

Call me "dinosaur" but the cons

and scamsters they flout

rules--dinos, no doubt,

for reason ruled Earth for eons!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Sunday, this section took the day off because... Well, it marked 10 YEARS of doin' this freakin' Daily Limerick thing.

We took off Monday, too, because, given the way this works--posting the day's edition around midnight--the section is actually WRITTEN the day previous so... Ten Years, bastards...er, my friends.

Then we argued yesterday that, since many in the business world receive a weekday off when a legitimate holiday falls on a weekend--one that they'd otherwise have off--we deserved the Monday off, meaning a slacker Tuesday edition.

And now today (yesterday to you readers)... Well, post-holiday malaise. Ten Freakin' Years--figure it gives us at least ONE more...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/15/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: For Elvis' Sake...

We just hit TEN YEARS of doing this site, every single day, last Sunday... So, yeah, we deserve the day from this special section...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/15/2009:

> Laura & CAC Leadership -

>

> Hi! I'm wondering if you could run a blurb in your next newsletter

> that No Games Chicago - a coalition of social justice activists

> working to derail the bid for the 2016 Olympics - is seeking

> artists to form an activist committee - "Artists X Games" to help

> us spread word on why the games would cripple the city when so

> many basic needs are going unmet.

>

> Interested people can email me - tom@tresser.com.

>

> http://www.nogameschicago.com Thanks!

>

> Tom Tresser

> 312-804-3230

This missive, of course, concerns Chicago's idiot bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, which we and this group see eye-to-eye on. So we encourage you to e-mail this cat and/or check-out the site, get involved, yadda yadda blah blah.

Guess we have a form of newsletter... Anyway, it may seem that this letter isn't really addressed to us but, to keep a long story digestible, I (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) am a former editor for CAC, which is... Well, that's all you need to know.

And concerning "Laura"... That may be the name that Fred the Intern goes by when he's, um, you know, "out on the town," so to speak... And, yes, it seems that Fred's internship should be long over by now, but he's a little slow and...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2009:

July--sticky heat's what we get!

Perspiring, non-stop--clothes are wet!

Show'n skin, ladies prance--

sweat soaks even my pants...

Wait a second, perhaps that ain't sweat...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Pentagon health Nazis...er, health "experts" are recommending banning tobacco use in the military.

Oh, there's just so many directions we can, er, explore this from.

What the hell--let's just make our combat formations into musical choreography and get the Grand Pussification over with...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2009:

Tobacco's caught Pentagon's ire--

joins "Reefer Madness II" quagmire!

Ban soldiers from smokes?

(I WISH that I joked...)

Mind long-term health--while under fire?!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

So the Department of Homeland Security is ditching that color-coded warning system.

Which is a shame. It made it so easy to remember what the "terror alert level" was at any given time. Why, I remember when...Chief Limericist checking-in, here...I left my last in-office job, the level was...er, it was... Anyway, I know that NOW, of course, we're at... Well, I distinctly recalling it being "orange" at some point, and for quite some time, which meant, of course... Hmmm...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/17/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Last Sunday...

...We reached the Ten-Year Mark for this freakin' site. Every single day, ya' nutslaps.

So shut the hell up and enjoy us taking the week off from the section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2009:

A chick into fashion's high deals

bought pricey designer high heels.

Modeled most in bed--

up over her head--

to runway soundtrack of high squeals.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

In a move completely foreign to us sexually hung-up bastards here in the U.S., Britain's National Health Service is relaying the message to teens that... Sex can be fun.

And, really, isn't the purpose of sex ed. to teach children the things they'd absolutely never figure out on their own?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2009:

New Brit sex ed. campaign does tout

that "Sex can be fun," lest there's doubt.

Ain't point of sex ed.

that, to kids, it's said

what they'd not, by selves, figure out?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Breaking (and might we add SHOCKING) news...:

It's summer and that means (gasp!)... It's WARM outside! And we have all sorts of suggestions for what you can do around town when it's warm out because... Well, we have more breaking (and, by the way, SHOCKING) news for you...:

Summer does NOT last forever! We repeat: This warm weather will NOT last forever! And, we hate to do this to you--more breaking, more shock, yadda yadda blah blah--but it will become FALL and then WINTER in a mere two months and (yeah yeah yeah, breaking, breaking, shock, SHOCK)...that weather will be COLD!

What? Just tryin' to be like the Mainstream Media. You know, the outlets that can't imagine what they can change about their way of doing business to save themselves?

Hmmm... Maybe we'll just rejigger the comics, fire one of our most popular columnists... Add a new "Society" column... Yeah, now we're talking--oh, and a new, hip astrologer...

So Wal-Mart has instituted a policy whereby all entities selling it goods for retail must furnish a scorecard on the companies' "green" level. Stuff like, say, how much water is used to make product, etc.

All fine and dandy. Except that... Well, this is gonna incur costs on companies. And most companies at this point in time... Well, look around you.

So who does Wal-Mart think it is? President Obama?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/19/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Talk About Targeting the Wrong Demographic

Many cities have newspapers sold, and largely produced, by the homeless. There's usually some system whereby the vendors keep a large cut of the cover price, work rather than beg for money and even learn new, entrepreneurial skills.

In Chicago, the newspaper of this stripe is called Streetwise.

Recently, I saw a Streetwise vendor attempt to sell a copy to...another homeless guy.

Well, perhaps he wasn't homeless--but he was wearing multiple coats in hot weather, stinkin' to high heaven and... Well, at least near-homeless, or certainly disenfranchised.

When he was approached by the vendor, rather than simply say no, or ignore him, he waved his arms wildly, screaming, "No! No! No!"

Just found that sort of amusing...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/19/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Landfills

 

Let me be your landfill,

your waste of time,

your bad day, your missing

words, your edifying mistake,

your stolen necklace, your cracked

landscape, your sea-swept letters,

your hopeless connection, your

glowing embers, your boughs and

broken sleep, your hours away,

your sandy stillness.

 

And you can be mine.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2009:

Here's breaking news--big shock, it's HOT!

When fall comes 'round, news breaks--it's NOT!

That's half news' content!

Why's mainstream med'ya went

in modern world right down the pot?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

This headline comes from Betsy Hart's column, "From the Hart"... Yes. We're quoting Betsy Hart, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. The "conservative" one whom we find kinda hot? Whom, well, I find kinda hot (Chief Limericist checking in, here) anyway. Whom I figure is secretly a freakin' animal in bed and... Ahem:

"Huge Piece of Solving Health Care Puzzle: High Deductible Could Make Sense for Millions"

Duh... Gee. As someone who has lived most of his adult life employed at least semi-freelance, back and forth between self-employed, full- and part-time jobs... Wowie Kazowie! Cool beans and all! What a concept! Doi doi doi... HIGH DEDUCTIBLE insurance? I'd have never have thought of that, much less been have forced into it as the only insurance I can afford... Doi... Duh... Yuk-yuk... Which way did he go; which way did he go?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2009:

Wal-Mart's new "green" rules are well meant.

But goods makers will see more spent

as Recession mars...

Who d'they think they are

at time like this?... The president?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

What do you call it when you want to eliminate a species from the face of the earth? In this case, a species of plant. Planticide?... In any event, I'd like to ensure that I never hear or see a referenced to the acai berry ever, ever again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2009:

Do I support "green" causes? Very

much so--but I've new quest; won't tarry!

One exception, aside...

Crave full-on planticide--

rid world of Goddamned acai berry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Perhaps we've been a little hard on Lollapalooza in the past. Sayin' it's past it's prime, mainstream sold old... Er, what's this we read? This year's event will be tying in, promoting and in favor of Chicago's 2016 Olympic bid?

Perhaps we haven't been HARD ENOUGH on Lollapalloza...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/22/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: C'mon!...

...A DECADE? I reached 10 years of doing this site July 12 and, yes, I was on "vacation" for the second last week but, really, 10 freakin' years deserves another...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2009:

Felt perhaps did not know what's up--

call'n' Lollapalooza corrupt

lame dino, once hip

but... Backs Olympics

in Chi-town? For the Man--lubed up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

So Cook County (Chicago) Illinois is considering de-criminalizing marijuana possession and... De-criminalizing?

Amid all the spineless "liberals" and "progressives" retreating from legalization to instead push "medical marijuana" and "hemp product awareness"... Does anybody else realize that, 100 freakin' years ago, our drug (and alcohol laws) made much more sense... Meaning there pretty much WEREN'T any?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2009:

Department of Homeland Sec. dope--

color-coded threats may get "nope."

Oh no! Now I'll lack

clues for how to act--

the news leaves me feeling quite...taupe?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Yesterday we informed you of Cook County (Chicago) Illinois' debating the idea of de-criminalizing marijuana.

Chicago Dictator...er, Mayor Richard M. Daley checks-in on the matter:

"People say you cannot smoke... Now, everybody's saying, 'Let's all smoke marijuana'... Now, all of a sudden, marijuana smoking is good for you... [We] think marijuana-smoking is the best thing if someone drives down the expressway..." Huh? Wha'?

Actually, his words make perfect sense. At least under the same logic he's using for Chicago's 2016 Olympic bid "budget"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/24/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Three-Thousand, Six-Hundred and Fifty-Two...

...Days. Of doing this. That's 10 years. So I'm taking yet another week off from this section... Trust you'll find a way to "Entertain Yourself"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2009:

Man blown by world's best blowjob slut--

sucked, licked, teased like prime porn star smut--

did cum with such fire

sack, like car's blown tire,

did actually suffer "flat nut"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Chicago Sun-Times "see inside" kinda headline:

"Christmas Carol Train Pulls Into Union Station"

Leave it to freakin' Disney.

CHRISTMAS train. July 23.

Perhaps I'm fighting a losing battle.

(Sigh)...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and completely un-Christmasy) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2009:

"'Christmas Carol' Train" is now here

in Chi-Town. "Thanks Disney!" I'd sneer,

"JULY? Not Thanksgiving?"

Losing fight I'm living--

just keep damn displays up all year.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

For the first time, the actual newspaper part of yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times was exactly the same size as the pull-out auto section.

Call us old-fashioned, but we deem continuing coverage of the slow, painful death of news as almost as important as the slow, painful coverage of Michael Jackson's death...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/26/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Come to Think of It...

...While I penned an edition of this section last week--you know, a week following the big 10 Year Anniversary of Daily Limerick--I figure I really should've taken a second week off. Highly deserved after 10 Years. So...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/26/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The lion's teeth

 

You call them sunny bunches

of weeds -- a nuisance.

 

But you can wash them

under cold water

 

and toss them into a salad.

Or distill them into pale

 

wine, sweetened by the

sugars of other fruits.

 

So they have more use

and hold more beauty

 

than any promise you ever

cultivated in your garden,

 

heaped and stinking

with splendid fertilizer.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2009:

Decrim'nalize pot? Hubbub flows!

From '60s? Lame, "lib'rals" do grow!

Progress? I'm on fence--

drug laws made more sense

with none, freakin' cent'ry ago!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

So one of Michael Jackson's doctors is under investigation for... Nope.

Although there's a point to be made about our "Everyone's a Victim" society blaming others for an individual's drug use... We're not gonna join the Michael Jackson-ification of the media...

Whoops! Guess we just did, sorta...

*********

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2009:

'S'there something that Jacko's doc hid?

Blame someone, 'vestigation bids!

Though there's point we'd work, must

not join Med'ya Circus!

But... Well, guess we now just sorta did!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

So the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration held-off in releasing its data on "distracted" (cell phone-using) driving...because it was afraid of Congress' reaction. Most of Congress taking, you know, innocent little campaign donations from Big Cell and all.

But, hey. We elected a black man President. No need to mistrust our increasingly growing government.

We live in an age of individual freedom. Don't like the results of one study? Pick another, financed by a different industry. Science is SOOO last century, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2009:

Newspapers' magic shrinking action?

I ceaselessly blab my reaction!

Slow, painful death's surely

at least as newsworthy

as slow, painful cov'rage of Jackson's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Following up on a news nugget yesterday, describing the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's stalling in releasing data on "distracted" driving for fear of disturbing Congress' gravy train... The group has released the results of a new study finding that drunk driving...most often occurs at night.

Expert more of this shocking work, at least until drunk drivers form a PAC...

A commentary piece in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times on the topic of health care reform is written by... Well, we'll just give you her end-of-piece bio:

"Mary Grealy is president of the Healthcare Leadership Council, a coalition of executives from hospitals, pharmaceutical firms and other health care-related industries."

So, as pretty much a human face for the reason the problem exists... Why would anybody take anything she writes seriously?...

Pro-adoption agencies are in an uproar over the recently released horror movie, "Orphan," in which the villain is titular (he hee...titular).

Perhaps their spokespeople have been watching too much network TV and are just confused about what "reality" is at this point...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/29/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Grocery Store Is So Cool

I mean today's title literally.

Pop into the grocery store in the summer months and you'll fear getting frostbite. They overcompensate for the hot weather, which can have you think twice about knocking off the shopping chore in your typical season's shorts but which... I'll admit it:

I've hit the grocery store when wasting a summer night outside, walking around, etc., simply to cool off. Loitered by the ice cream or some such.

And there's yet ANOTHER reason to frequent your grocer during the summer months. Let's just say it puts more than one nip in the air...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2009:

O'er new movie, "Orphan," there're cries,

"'Way from adoption, folks will shy!"

Real/fiction gauge? Failed!

Where's beef 'bout portray'l

of pizza delivery guys?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

A new "reality" show, "More to Love," patterned after "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" in that it makes a big to-do about a marriage ritual for a marriage that will never happen, focuses on larger women.

We're not network executives here, but we can tell you for sure that the show will fail miserably.

It's harder to get away with being a shallow, attention-starved moron when you're NOT as attractive as hell and, really, without the titillation factor of the hot tub scenes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2009:

When summer heat, 'pon me, does wear--

hit groc'ry store--and linger there!

These months, it's well known,

temp chills to the bone--

puts more than one nip in the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2009:

Daily Limerick marks a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"... as of July 12! Holy crap! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats...

Despite the fact that everything relevant regarding the incident has already been said--and, in fact, we're now dealing in bucket-loads of the irrelevant... We're gonna weigh in on the controversy regarding the arrest of prominent black scholar Henry Louis Gates, Jr. by Sgt. James Crowley, which also drew President Obama into the controversy:

Er... No we're not... That's not the kinda thing we do here; in fact, we shoot for just the opposite...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/31/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hockey Camera Suggestions

I trust the hockey is not foremost on the mind of most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, it being late July and all, but it sometimes takes a while for this section to catch-up with my theme ideas and... Think of it as you do ice cream--a refreshing burst to sooth your sweaty self.

Not the most refreshing of "bursts" to accompany your sweat but... Ahem.

Anyway... Professional hockey, while rising in popularity as of late, is still the least popular of the four "major sports" here in the U.S. There are a variety of theories as to why that's the case. One theory holds that it's not the most watchable of sports for our TV Age.

It's true that the puck is so fast that it can be hard to follow. (There was an experiment, a few years back, where the puck was made to digitally glow...but that only led to viewer fun-making.) Also true that since the players wear helmets, it's harder to form a "fan connection" to players, not being able to see their facial expressions, etc.

But I happen to think that broadcast outlets could do a much better job of filming the action. I'm no expert, but it seems... Well, other sports have multiple camera folk, and thus multiple angles to choose from at any time. I'm not saying hockey doesn't have multiple camera folk but... Maybe they need more or something. I often hear things like, "There's a skirmish going on just off your screen right now..." Why can't they switch angles and SHOW such stuff?

As I've said, and as is readily apparent from this manifesto, I'm no expert in camera matters. But I have a suggestion:

Add a little path between the spectators and the rink--a "camera ring" of sorts. Camera folks can dwell there and show the action from rink level. Perhaps they can cruise around on roller skates or, better yet, in the spirit of things, ice-up the camera ring and have them skate around to cover the action.

Just tryin' to help. If nothing else, I AM an expert at "stick-handling"...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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