Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2009:

World peace? Pfft! No chance--I despair.

Most times it seems life isn't fair!

I try hard to cope.

Fin'lly, sign of hope--

"According to Jim's" off the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 41 Days to Go...

Quote from Patti Blagojevich, wife of disgraced Super Haired former Illinois gov. Rod, who's clutching on to fame (and, more importantly, money) by joining the cast of "I'm a 'Celebrity'...Get me Out of Here" (quotes around "Celebrity" added because...c'mon!)...and dispelling hopes of viewers that they'll hear more of her salty mouth:

"Among all my friends, they say I'm the one who swears the least."

So she's hanging out exclusively with... Sailors? Truck drivers? Rappers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2009:

Blagojevich jobs down the crapper

wife Patti turns her filthy yapper

to "real" TV ends.

Claims swears "least of friends"...

So friends are all...sailors and rappers?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 40 Days to Go...

Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there ever done any plumbing?

Anyway, in owning a condo, and renting out the second bedroom and extra living room I don't use (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), I've found myself becoming a de facto Handyman, of sorts, in ways that I've never been for my whole life.

Sure, plumbing is not rocket science, but I've always avoided handyman tasks and have only been driven to it as of late, partly because such services are ridiculously expensive.

I've blathered about this topic before so... Back to today's question. And if you HAVE every done any plumbing, have you also ever reached a point in a project where something that you thought would take a half-hour, at most... Well, you find yourself finishing at 8 p.m., having blown off most everything else you planned to do that day?

Have you ever made three trips to the freakin' hardware store, while I'm at it, when you thought, going in, that one quickie would more than suffice?

On a related note... Well, there's really no news nugget, or content, really, for this section today.

But I will assure you that I made an attempt to jigger my pants and underwear in such a way as to affect "plumber's butt" while I was working, if that image qualifies under the rubric of "something" for the Slappin' and Yappin' section today...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2009:

Obama's court pick's brought a "shush"

from GOP--they bash, but hushed.

As pols they can't speak

racist slurs to tweak

their vote pool--that's for their King Rush!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 39 Days to Go...

So British future-trivia-question-answer and Benny Hill-in-a-wig look-alike Susan Boyle entered the hospital suffering from "exhaustion."

Wow. Maybe that's our next epidemic. It's already spread from celebrities who have the time and money to be hospitalized for "exhaustion"--to "celebrities"...

What, exactly, is a "sports hernia"? Is that kinda like a "sports" utility vehicle--meaning 99 percent of them have nothing whatsoever to do with any definition of the world "sports"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/3/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Don't Make Fun of my Heath Bars

Once when I was in college--my 18-year-old, intoxication-laden, hopeless attempt at college, that is--I bought some snacks before hanging with pals one day and my purchase of a Heath bar was pooh-poohed.

"Why'd you buy a HEATH bar? That's such a rip-off."

The other couple of pals laughed along, in agreement. And you know what? I let the bastards get to me. I refrained from buying Heath for a while.

Recently, I bought a bag of mini-Heath bars for my snacking needs. And, at this point in time, many moons since the incident, I stick with my original assessment: Heath bars are delightful--and their purchase has just as much value as any other candy bar. (Provided, of course, there's some sort of sale on them--but then again, other than staple groceries, I don't buy anything that's NOT some sort of bargain.)

English toffee is such a wonderful thing. It's sheer levels of wonderfulness almost counteract the fact that English cuisine in general is... Well, there's fish 'n' chips, too, I guess...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/3/2009:

Mike of Sunday's "Accursed Verse," er...fame checks-in regarding the news of David Sher's passing:

> I'm two days late to the party, but I also wanted

> to offer my condolences to Dave's family (even

> though he died two years ago). I looked forward to

> Dave's haikus every Monday -- they were always

> witty and skillfully done. Even during the times I

> was in a bad mood before reading his medically

> themed verses, his humor made it impossible for me

> to not crack a smile.

>

> Thanks, Dave. You are definitely missed.

And you know that, if ONE person actually takes the time and effort to write-in in appreciation of Dave's work, there are perhaps hundreds more who... Well, they're lazy, Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards.

Now we're awaiting all of the condolences on our 10 Years of...er, "Service," a mark which will be reached in a little over a month.

Maybe "condolences" isn't the best term.

Then again... Ten years of coming up with silly limericks (and more) every freakin' day?

Perhaps "condolences" IS the right term, after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2009:

So Susan Boyle breaks from the Scene--

treatment for "exhaustion," which means...

Next "pandemic" freak-out?

Once just Big Stars, seeks out

now those "stars" with a mere "15"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 38 Days to Go...

So Bear Necessities, a group fighting pediatric cancer, refuses to take money from Patti Blagojevich, wife of big-haired disgraced former Illinois gov. Rod, because she earned it from that "reality" show and... Well, good to learn that pediatric cancer is now completely cured, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2009:

Blagojevich clan? Most absurd!

Bear Necessities thus demurred--

shunned Patti's cash answer

to fight children's cancer!

Did not know kids' cancer was cured!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 37 Days to Go...

From a Chicago Tribune e-mail update:

"WHAT SCARES TERRORISTS? Bin Laden's Latest Audio Screed Suggests He Fears an Erosion of Support as Obama's Popularity Grows in Arab Countries."

But is having a popular president really as effective in the War on Terror as, say... Just invading another country that had nothing to do with 9-11?... Or just water-boarding the shit out of everyone who sorta looks kinda Muslim or something?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/5/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fighting the 30-Minute-Show Predictability

Like other business entities, TV must follow a schedule, based upon our accepted measurement of time. Shows start at certain times of certain days--and are also scheduled to end at certain times of certain days.

It's this last point that can make television somewhat predictable.

Your favorite character is, say, trying to solve a murder, but it's a tough case to crack. There are so few leads, this could drag on forever, but then you notice... Oh. There's only 10 minutes left of the show. The case will have to be solved within 10 minutes.

Now, of course, there is the "To Be Continued" gimmick but, in general, our need to adhere to schedules can oft make shows overly simplistic.

I've noticed, recently, in reruns of "Night Gallery" and "Tales from the Darkside," that sometimes they'll wrap-up an episode unexpectedly early...and sneak one or two shorties in to fill out the slot.

Wish more TV shows would do that.

Then again, the shows mentioned are decades old and newer Hollywood... Well, two words will suffice: "Reality" TV...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2009:

Slut's allergies? She didn't care!

Have sex in a field--she so dared!

Flowers aggravated

yet was strangely sated

by "pollen" she launched through the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 36 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Gay May Penguins Raising Chick"

Hmm.

While it certainly fits our regular Saturday theme... Do we even TRY to add a witty caper to a naturally occurring, self-sustaining, amusing news nugget like this?...

Okay:

Your homophobic slurs will get you nowhere, Red Wings...

Anyway... Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2009:

So bin Laden now fears... Obama?

For ending macho cowboy drama!

Seems di'logue and reason's

would-be terr'ist pleasin'--

so GOP cries to Rush Mama!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 35 Days to Go...

A Virginia job clinic is offering job-seekers free Botox injections to...appear more youthful in job interviews, apparently.

Not sure what's more depressing these days--the economy...or the shameless corporate recession tie-ins.

But guess these unemployed folks won't have to worry about smiling at an inappropriate time during a job interview.

Or smiling at all, for a few days, for that matter...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/7/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Always-in-Touch, Convenient Modern World's Dark Side

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I'm STILL one of three or four people on the face of the earth WITHOUT a cell phone--although, at this juncture, it's as much about being broke (and used to getting by without one) as it is making a "point."

One of my problems with the Cell Phone Age is that, although they are convenient, people take them for granted and... Well, here's something I witnessed on a city-to-suburbs train ride recently:

Hannah Montana-looking chick gets on the train. Sits down, whips out her cell. Calls somebody... "I just got on the train... It gets in [such and such time] at [such and such location]. Will you be able to pick me up?"

Receiving a negative response, chickie tries again. And again. And again. I overhear other additions to the spiel: "I knew I had my cell so I just caught the train and figured I'd be able to find a ride" followed by stuff like "please, PLEASE...I thought [such and such] would pick me up by they can't" and "I know I already called you, but I can't find ANYBODY to pick me up; I thought for sure..." Ahem.

Don't know if she ever found a ride from her destination station. But I'm hoping she was at least BRIEFLY stranded, to warn her against future, similar antics. For at least say... An hour? Hell, maybe 15 minutes. That's LIKE an hour to our dwindling-attention-span youngsters now, no?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/7/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Black leaf girl

 

She found a black, thin leaf on the street.

Like it was colored in coal dust that

never came off. Near that, a feather

with an orange band near the tip,

some purple petals, a penny blue with dirt.

 

She didn't understand why people didn't stop

and marvel every time they went outside.

Certainly an appointment to worry over,

rushing, rushing, wasn't more important than

a discarded orange peel, the pith yellowing?

 

Or a bumblebee on its side, its wings

barely beating, close to death

from an unseen injury. And yet, the sun

still catches in its wings,

making a glimmering pinpoint gem.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2009:

So what in the hell's a "sports hernia"?

How's it diff'rent--I'd like to learn-ia!

Is it like with "SUV"--

"sport" has, 'least usu'lly,

nothing to do with the burn-ia?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 34 Days to Go...

Fox is developing a "matrimonial 'reality'" series, in which brides and husbands don't meet until they reach the altar, called "I Married a Stranger."

(Sigh.)

Guess it's time to throw in the towel on battling pop culture--these damn straights are gonna destroy the sanctity of marriage no matter how we try to stop 'em...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2009:

"I Married a Stranger's" likes thanks can we

give for culture's role--marriage tanking free.

Seems fight against fate--

can't stop the damn straights

from ruining state of marriage sanctity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 33 Days to Go...

Regarding financial matters, you've heard of micronomics...and macronomics... So would the continued success of professional sports amid the Great Recession be attributable to... Machonomics?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2009:

Free Botox! One job clinic's vyin'.

Viagra? No need to be buyin'

if you've lost your job.

So what's most macabre--

Recession or...its corp'rate tie-ins?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 32 Days to Go...

How do you know when your loan has been bought by Bank of America?

Stumped?

Well... Your phone rings off the hook with BoA telemarketing calls!

Ahem.

What? You were expecting a JOKE? Guess we set it up that way... Although, in our defense, it IS a joke, of sorts...

Okay, okay. We've got more... Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Impaled on a Fence: 'He Was Just Kind of Skewered There,' Fire Chief Says of Comcast Worker"

Very tragic, of course--but it's already been happening to Comcast CUSTOMERS for years...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/10/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Cooking with Booze

Many culinary creations call for one form of alcohol or another as part of the recipe--and I pooh-pooh the idea. Mostly.

One thing I've learned, in being a recovered drunk, is that people really do not drink for the "taste of it." I started with those non-alcoholic beers soon after quitting and... More often than not, now, I just have a pop (soda to you funny-speaking bastards) when I'm out, or even when I'm in "relax" mode at home.

Sure, it's subjective. Some people actually appear to LIKE the taste of, say, Kahlua in those Christmastime chocolate balls and such. Point being, though, that all of those wine clubs and craft beer nuts are seeking excuses to get bombed and/or appear better than others. Mostly. (Others have taught me a rule: Drink one or two expensive, "tastier" beers first...and the rest after that don't matter.)

Now, there are some exceptions. I've had, say, a mushroom-wine sauce here or there that tasted pretty good. But I suspect it'd be just as good without the sherry.

I will make a BIG exception for beer, though. In cooking, if not when out on the town.

Beer bread, brats soaked in beer... Delightful.

So either get drunk or cook--you don't need a flimsy excuse to mix the two...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2009:

Terms "micro-" and "macro-" in dom mix

describing finance tragi-comics.

But pro sports' thriving

while all else is diving

is thanks to thing called, "Macho-nomics"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 31 Days to Go...

Wow! We've grown used to our Ever-Shrinking Traditional Daily Newspaper but are a little shocked that now...even the pull-out "Auto" section is shrinking!

Why, we've come to rely on flipping through it, but largely ignoring it, feeling the need to at least view every page of the paper, knowing that, if nothing else, the auto industry will... Er. Ahem. Well.

Pardon us as we go check as to whether there are any pigs flying overhead...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2009:

When sold, there's sure sign that your loan's

now Bank of America-owned--

bailout-leeching morons

put pedal to floor on

their marketing calls to your phone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 30 Days to Go...

Attention "serious" journalists:

If you're gonna refer to someone as a "huge supporter/fund-raiser," or something of the like... Make sure that, physically, they're not... Well, since we probably should be making this more "Here and Now," Web linky and stuff... Web-search up "huge" Obama supporter/fund-raiser Fay Levin...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/12/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: White Towels?

I'm not sure when or where it started in the sports world--I was a non-fan for many years, thinkin' it was too "mainstream" and all, as a wannabe rebel and... Anyway, I THINK this current trend of fans, especially during playoffs, waving towels in team color(s) began with the Pittsburgh Steelers and their "Terrible Towels."

Could be wrong. Anyway, those towels are ORANGE.

Now, team logos and uniforms come in all sorts of colors, often changing with "home" or "away" games.

But is anybody else thinking, concerning instances where fans end up waving WHITE towels that... Well, isn't there a timeworn symbolism associated with waving a white piece of cloth?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2009:

A couple engaged in their mating

while with toy she was masturbating.

Stuck it in her bum

while vibrator hummed--

weeks passed 'fore his nuts stopped vibrating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 29 Days to Go...

Visited a Web site the other day boldly emblazoned with the title, "The Daily Pork."

He hee.

But, believe it or not (I'm guessing most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will go with "not")... It was food-related. You know, for cooking instructions.

And, at the same time, the site was non-sexual. (Suppose it could be food-related and still... Ahem.)

Although one can always dream...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2009:

Detroit's such a hole, it's obscene'a!

Now even Big Three have turned wien'a!

Still, rocked seein' Penguins

pull off Stanley Cup win

in Red Wings' face at Joe's Arena!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 28 Days to Go...

So now it seems that some congressmen received big bucks lobbyist money from...the ragingly incompetent banks who plunged us all into the economic toilet and, curiously enough, also received bailout bucks.

Hmm.

If this were part of a novel, the editor would complain that the plot twist is just too goshdurn obvious...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Historic Tobacco Bill Targets Teens"

Translation: Expect a "historic" increase in teen smoking in coming years.

See, there's something at work here that's even more...er, what you could call "historic," at play whenever government seeks to regulate "vice"... We'd call it "Forbidden Fruit," but it's even older than the Bible, really... More like, "Forbidden Pandora's Box"...

E-mail news-link headline from the Boston Globe:

So Carrie Prejean, the disgraced former Miss California USA on her 14th Minute, is whining that, concerning those who allegedly forced her to step down over her Medieval attitude toward gays, claims that "tolerance needs to be a two-way street."

Can you believe the nerve of some people? Being "intolerant" toward people who believe they're hopelessly doomed to burn in hell?...

"Terrorism Experts Link Abortion Doctor's Shooting Death, Holocaust Museum Assault to Bad Economy"

This is why those experts make the big bucks. Never would have guessed it, but it seems so simple upon hearing it!

Of COURSE! We don't know about you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, but whenever we're feeling down-and-out and a little hopeless, the first thing we think of doing for a pick-me-up is going out and shooting an abortion doctor or Jew...

So, David Letterman joked about Sarah Palin's daughter at the Yankees game and... Oh, you can read and hear all about that at most any other, um..."news source."

Anyway, this is just more proof that Palin is indeed shooting to run for office again because she's going out of her way to conform to the GOP's conservative wing platform--you know, by misunderstanding the First Amendment...

...Not to mention, the credo about maintaining a complete and utter lack of sense of humor...

Truly awful "funny" movies never die... They just end up on Comedy Central...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/14/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Women and Bacon

My maternal grandmother, like many grandmothers, was dedicated to ensuring that her loved ones had enough food. I like to think that my grandma, whom we affectionately called "Nanny," was a Super Granny on this level--and, frankly, I'm ALLOWED to think that, as her mother died young and she ended up raising eight brothers and sisters and CONTINUED to cook like that throughout her life.

Nanny would not only cook, but she would hoard food. She'd buy anything and everything on sale, not so much because SHE needed it, but because she knew that SOMEBODY could use it. And as her only grandson--and only son figure, really, as she'd bore two girls only--I was the recipient of much of this hoarded food.

Nanny literally had a Wall of Canned Goods. An entire freakin' wall of shelves filled with the stuff. Whenever I'd stop to see her, she'd tell me to help myself.

She also had a tendency to unload certain types of food on me. Some examples were ketchup, although I almost never use the stuff; Cadbury candy bars; and...bacon.

Nanny lived until 2000, when I'd entered my 30s, and she STILL unloaded stuff on me, even when I was engaged to be divorced...er, married. (She didn't live to see the tragic scenario that was my former marriage, although she knew that it was coming.) My good friends, privy to much that went on in my life, of course, would laugh about the bacon giving. I'd come home from a visit to the family and they'd ask, "Did you get bacon?"

And why not? Bacon is one of the most delicious substances known to man.

They say that many people, if not outright seeking a version of their "Mother/Father" to marry, at least seek out those parental traits. In my case, I'm more on the lookout for GRANDMOTHERLY traits.

Currently, M'Lady often gives me food to take home. Not only leftovers, but things she bought that she "shouldn't eat," snacks she knows I'll like. None of the bacon I'm secretly hoping for but...maybe I should just leave that with the memory of Nanny.

On a related note, before we lived together, my ex-wife NEVER gave me food, which should've told me something right there...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/14/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Old things and new things

 

The sound -- a rushing sigh -- tears

through the antiseptic silence, bringing

with it a fury of dust, now unsettled

and spinning angrily above old things.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2009:

To pol career, Palin does leech.

When Letterman joked (no big reach)

she showed she still conforms

to the far-Right's platform--

by misunderstanding, "Free Speech"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 27 Days to Go...

Funny that people are pitying all of the auto dealers that are closing lately when... Well, do you REMEMBER the, um, "fun" you had last time you visited an auto dealer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2009:

Miss USA Cali, crown felled,

calls tolerance "two-way street." Well,

the nerve of those gays

with intol'rant ways

toward folks who say they'll rot in hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 26 Days to Go...

So the AMA has come out strongly against... Healthcare reform.

But go ahead and keep treating 'em like they're some sorta charitable organization or something, interested in anything other than the interests of doctors...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2009:

For comedies less than essential...

well, awful--their fate consequential?

Obscurity nigh

those bad flicks don't die

they just fade to...Comedy Central!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 25 Days to Go...

One of the reasons the Chicago Sun-Times is our hometown newspaper of choice--considering we're lucky enough to have competition in Chicago...for now--is its editorial slant. You know, the actual editorials, newspaper's general opinion, etc. (Although we find it balanced, content-wise.)

Or at least we used to think that. You see, they dub themselves "progressive," which can be good, but, these days, can be... Well, Monday's editorial headline:

"School's Straight, Gay Parents Embrace Unity"

That's from an editorial commending a city school that has a relatively large percentage of children raised by same-sex parents. Which is all fine and good. Our Fright-O-Meter, however, began to tingle in reading the pull-out quote gracing the piece:

"Their aim is a school culture in which everyone feels offended by teasing."

Teasing.

Teasing?

Teasing.

"Gather 'round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you about a time... What's that? No, I'm not telling the grandchildren crazy, outdated philosophies or anything! Anyway... Gather 'round, grandkids, and... Oh, what the hell: Just say no to fun, in all its forms. (Sigh)"...

Now, we don't normally read racing coverage, but in scanning everything in the newspaper, we were a little boggled over a recent NASCAR race where... Well, the dude who won, Mark Martin, won largely because the race's leader, Jimmie Johnson, ran out of gas.

And it doesn't end there. In second place, behind Johnson, was Greg Biffle...who took the lead and then...ran out of gas.

Oh, and Martin ALSO ran out of gas, but managed to coast across the finish line before a couple of other dudes who DIDN'T run out of gas.

So... We're supposed to take this, um, "sport" seriously, but... Well, what's next? Drivers forgetting their keys?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/17/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Make Your Own...

...Edible underwear.

Since, really, it's essentially a fruit rollup thing... Should be easy.

But that begs the question as to whether anybody's actually ever EATEN one of the novelty items--off of a partner, anyway.

Which, in turn, begs the question, "At a loss for a good topic this week?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2009:

NASCAR dude won race 'cause he passed

race leader who...ran out of gas?

'Fore, well, so did he.

What's next? Forget keys?

S'ppposed to treat as real "sport" with class?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 24 Days to Go...

More news American Medical Association, which is goin' a bit busybody, as their convention's going on now:

The AMA has come out against labeling "obesity" a disability (a move that could, say, allow lawsuits for its discrimination) because then doctors might get sued over counseling patients on their weight.

So, really, the effects of a "disability" aren't as important as the doctors' pocketbooks.

But, in an effort to pretend they're indeed interested in the health of others--and one likely to work, considering that the frothing, Big Mother activists for other people's health orgasm in merely overhearing any words bashing tobacco use--they're also announcing that they're fully behind a red-tapey, "message" movement to prohibit pharmacies from selling tobacco products.

That outta ensure that we continue to blindly trust the American Doctors' Union...er, AMA...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2009:

At Ann. Meeting of AMA

took healthcare reform stand: "No Way"!

Top interest? Your health?

No, it's doctors' wealth--

go 'head and die--'s'long as you pay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 23 Days to Go...

Just read a news story relating that, given the current economy, prostitutes are lowering prices.

So... Why are politicians still trying to raise taxes?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/19/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fishing to Nature's Sounds

Went fishing with my dad recently--there's your Father's Day reference for today and, really, fishing with your dad is a good idea for such a thing.

I was never an avid fisherman, but I enjoy it, when I get around to it. One of those things I'm always saying I SHOULD do, especially in the warmer months. So dad suggested it and we went.

It was a great pick-me-up, as a country boy-turned-city dweller, especially since I caught 10 fish--far, far more than I'd ever caught on an outing, and this was a mere hour, hour and a half or so. Now, the fish were too small to keep--jailbait, you could say--but it's always nice to catch SOMETHING, especially 10 of something... But even without the catches, it would've been a superb afternoon.

In many ways, fishing is just an excuse for male bonding and relaxing somewhere quiet. Not completely quiet, of course. There's the sounds of birds, a light breeze, insects buzzing, some idiot fellow fisherman's ring tone... Ahem.

Well, you can't always get away from ALL of it, but you can get away from SOME of it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2009:

A hot slut whom some thought insane

preferred having sex in the rain

for she loved her cum shots

after feeding her twot

and rain does prevent the cum stains!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 22 Days to Go...

Concerning all the unrest in Iran, with all the pundit chatter, it seems that one of the most important things isn't being mentioned, and something that comes to mind immediately when we read/view stories on the subject and that's... Well, there sure are a lot of hot Iranian chicks.

Ahem. Yeah... How's THAT for cutting edge, "progressive" news from an alternative news source about to celebrate its 10th Anniversary?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2009:

It's Father's Day--don't be forlorn

if you ain't bought gift. Ya' still torn

'tween which gifts to buy?

Hey, dad's sure a guy--

try strippers or hookers or porn!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 21 Days to Go...

Politicians are scrambling to balance their budgets in these trying financial times, of course turning to the idea of tax increases at a time when people have less money in general. And they're threatening all sorts of cuts to sorely needed programs.

In Illinois, one such threat concerns funeral services for the underprivileged.

We'd figure something like that would be the FIRST to go. The funeral industry is one of the biggest scams going so, hey, as long as the "car makes the person" idea is going the way of the dodo, why not have something else GOOD come out of this Recession--like killing the funeral industry off altogether?

Also... Well, these people are already DEAD and, call us old-fashioned, we think they'd benefit more from some service for the living...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/21/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Scalpin' Ralph

It has been a long time since I've went for a haircut.

Now, my hair has been cut, of course--haven't went hippie, not that there's anything WRONG with that--but I've cut it myself. It started... Geez, goes back to 1996 or 1997, when I wrote a little playlette featuring "The Peanuts" gang all grown-up and Gen X. I played Charlie Brown.

The play was initially performed at an open mic, sort of a lark, but it proved quite popular. I told my friends and cohorts that if anybody actually asked me to mount the play in a higher profile setting--for a showcase or something (it's not too hard to rise "higher profile" than an open mic)--I'd actually shave my head for the Chuck role. (Although I've been told that Charles M. Schulz' "one-squiggle-haired" rendering of Charlie was intended to represent a crew cut.) That offer, and others, came.

Anyway... After clean-shaving my head, I met the woman who was one day to become my ex-wife, and she dug the shave-headed look, and I realized that it was cheap and also easy to deal with hair that way (I've only actually shaved my head smooth a couple of times--I usually just buzz it real short)... Well, I'm stuck with the general hairstyle since.

Now that I've so copiously digressed... Before reaching the teen years and thus gaining control of my own hair decisions, and after a phase where my dad figured he could cut hair (and what did it matter how a little kid's hair looked?), I was regularly taken to the barber shop my dad patronized. (There's your Father's Day angle.) There was a rotating staff of barbers and my hair would be cut by whatever barber happened to be next in the rotation when my turn came out.

And, oh, how I prayed that it wouldn't be Ralph.

Maybe no kid likes his or her head scalped ala some John Wayne-movie Injun, but I tend to think that, say, in the '90s, when the shaved-head look was "in," boys didn't mind so much, while in hair-crazy eras like the '70s (when I was a shaver), such a treatment was especially feared.

Funny, but the only strong barber memories that I bear are now fully related in this edition. Maybe it's not so funny--people in general are far more likely to complain than compliment, so I don't remember any of the barbers who gave me a "good" haircut.

But I'll never forget that bastard Ralph. Still can picture his sinister face, at least vaguely--but, believe it or not, he didn't wear a headdress, smoke a peace pipe or speak with "forked tongue"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/21/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: U.D.O.

 

After a sexy and too-late concert,

what is this thing on the road,

its lights flashing in a U,

floating in the right lane?

 

Jen calls it an unidentified

driving object (at least,

I think that's what she called it,

if memory indicates anything

 

when the road darkens down,

the senses flux and settle).

We mistake it for many things

even as we're passing it:

 

a road sign casting odd reflections,

or a carnival ride carted on a tow.

We even confuse its direction,

thinking it is taking an exit

 

up a soft hill, though it is going

absolutely nowhere, keeping speed.

Even when we finally see it in full --

a tow truck dragging a wobbly silver bus --

 

it doesn't seem real, a vapor pretending

to be a solid. Like when John came down

off stage with his acoustic, the glow

of a lamp hoisted by a band mate

 

coloring his face orange and yellow.

Everyone smiled, struck, as he asked us

to sing along. Even if we don't know

all the words, as we started in, we did.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2009:

Some now activate tear-duct squealers

for the poor closed-down auto dealers.

How soon we forget

the feeling you get

when caught in their predator feelers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 20 Days to Go...

Sometimes, a word completely uses its usefulness over time.

Consider, "nerd."

First, it became allegedly "hip" to be a "nerd." (Without, of course, getting stuffed in your locker and getting swirlies and such. Borderline "nerd" stuff.)

Now... Well, so many freakin' celebrities, and "celebrities," are declaring themselves "nerds" that... Well, we don't wanna get into the business of certifying nerds, but nonetheless... When a quarter of the planet's population is lusting after you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2009:

Though hard-line gov tries... Flame 'n' fan--

reformist protests? Can't tame, man!

So we'll, best we can,

talk cov'rage, Iran...

Whoo-wee! There are some hot Iranians!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 19 Days to Go...

Some are praising social networking sites for their role in helping foment the Iranian protests referred to in today's Limerick. Specifically... Twitter.

So, despite our regular bashing of its users, the Twits--and we feel that "Twits" makes more sense than "Tweeters," on so many levels, Iranians excepted... We're gonna back off of our pronouncement that we'd rather die than Twit.

Daily Limerick will get right on Twitter... As soon as the U.S. government is overtaken by fascist, Right-Wing clerics and there's absolutely no other outlet for exercising our First Amendment rights...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2009:

Iranian protest has reached

the world thanks to Twitter--can breech

the hard-line crackdown.

To Twit, we'll come 'round

when, like them, it's lone source, Free Speech!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 18 Days to Go...

So, the Federal Trade Commission is looking into regulating... Blogs?

Now, as tempting as it may be, we're passing up the easy-joke opportunity--are they regulating QUALITY?--because... Well, we hesitant to even joke about the government attempting such a thing.

The reality of the matter is that the government is looking into those consumer blogs and whether they're recommended buys and such are really objective and all--that is, not influenced by kickbacks and such. Bloggers typically, of course, having no training in, or understanding of, a concept like "ethics." Soooo last century and all, you know.

This will seemingly open jobs for some people undoubtedly having hard times finding them now, reading blogs all day... So we will take an easy joke, after all:

Careful what you wish for...

Read about a Social Anxiety Disorder support group and... Well, great, on top of everything, reality is now becoming a "Ziggy" er, "gag"...

Quote from and ad for AshleyMadison.com, a Web site facilitating people's having of affairs:

"Did you know that more than 20 million Americans are trapped in sexless marriages?"

Our response:

"Did you know that... Well, DIVORCE exists?"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/24/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: When the Culinary and the Literary Collide

Veteran Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I'm a serious amateur chef and... Actually, even first-time readers should be able to figure that out, given that Daily Limerick boasts a Wednesday FOOD section and all so... Then again given our likely readership... Let's just say the jury's still out on our demographics.

It does, however, take a veteran, or at least semi-veteran Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to know that, despite having a "blog," I actually have acumen, training and experience in the areas of writing and editing. In fact, most of the paltry wages I now draw come from such endeavors.

And too my delight, I've now happened upon a gig not only editing a book apparently slated for publication, with literary representation and all, but... Well, a cookbook! And you'll read a tip or two from the culinary whiz author in this section! (In upcoming weeks after, you know, we kill off an easy topic in mentioning the cookbook!)

So... Reread the title and marvel in the "literary circle" device!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2009:

Hits new low, the financial crisis--

now hookers are low'ring their prices!

"Raise taxes!" say clowns

but tax should go DOWN--

'cause it's cheaper now for pols' vices!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 17 Days to Go...

There's a fine, alternative news site, http://www.truthout.org, but, fair warning, if you've ever sent them any query, of any sort... Well, like most of the news biz, alt or otherwise... E-mail headline:

"Cannot Do This Without Money"

Cannot what? Continue to barrage us with e-mail every half-hour?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2009:

I keep tabs on overused words.

And stars, hip-ly claiming they're "nerds"?

The word's lost our trust

when half the world lusts

for a "nerd"... C'mon, it's absurd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 16 Days to Go...

Read a story about a local car dealer, Bob Rohrman, suing a man for stealing his wife.

Now, Rohrman's not alone in using this, um, tactic, but his case reminded us of the fact that, now and then, we read about this happening. These suits rarely succeed--but they sometimes do and, ridiculously enough, the legal system allows them to proceed.

So, Mr. Rohrman... Why not sue your parents--you know, for passing along the small-penis DNA?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/26/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Yo' (TV Industry) Mama's SOOO Lazy, She...

Okay, I understand the general philosophy behind summer reruns--Hollywood types taking the summer off, although it's not like they're meager-salaried teachers to justify that extra perk.

But how come the channels I usually watch for my nighttime work repast, featuring classic sitcoms, horror/sci-fi shows and the like... Are rerunning what are really old reruns?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2009:

It'd been while since he had at muff;

the time without sex?... Well, was rough.

So once fin'ly tasted

with cumshot he basted

the chick--nearly drowned in the stuff!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 15 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Sereno Finds 1st Nut-Eating Dino"

Wow. Porn's been around even longer than we assumed...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2009:

To honor today, Gay Pride Day--

support full gay rights, I must say.

Four decades since Stonewall,

come far! So heed fest call

and party--go out and get gay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 14 Days to Go...

In an attempt to spend money on ANYTHING but that silly "service" crap, the Chicago Transit Authority, our...er, fine public trans agency, will be sending bus drivers to "friendliness classes."

Ahem.

Gee, I hope those work as well as their good-driving classes...

We've figured it out--

The best way to keep your job in this layoff-happy economy, judging from our own retail experiences lately?

Take forever to do anything, get in the way of as many patrons as possible and always remember--the customer is always wrong...

Saw a local comedy listing for a showcase featuring "liberal comics."

Now, can't we all assume that 99.999 percent of the Entertainment Industry is "liberal"? It would only make sense to identify a show featuring "conservative comics"--you know, boldly identifying it as a "Blue Collar Comedy Tour"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/28/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Nothing Like a Child to Bring You That Kringley Feeling

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I'm just nuts for Christmas.

I won't go into it more at this time. Do some Web-surfin' on the topic (along with the key words "Daily Limerick," of course, ya' muffin-punches), tiptoe through the archives, yadda yadda yadda.

In fact, I've often wondered if one day I might become... Er, the next Santa Claus. Don't laugh. Well, you're SUPPOSED to laugh, I guess, considering this is a "humor" site of sorts but... Laugh WITH me, if you can. Aw, what the hell, a laugh's a laugh... But I digest.

Anyway, lately I've been growing a beard. Started as a winter warmth thing, was encouraged by M'Lady... My beard has a lot of... Well, not even grey, but WHITE. It's not that I'm THAT old, but... I started gettin' white hairs in my mid-20s, folks. Hopin' to eventually cultivate that Bill Clinton-esque, intern-attractin' air.

The other day, I'm tying my shoes, sitting on a bench for such purpose in my condo complex's hall, and a neighbor lady comes by with her little boy, and the little boy looks at me, having not seen me bearded, and asks, "Santa?"

His mother apologized for what might've been perceived as an "ageist" (if accidental) insult... But I just grinned and thought, "Kick ass--I've got a Santa thing workin'!"

(By the same token, I'm much better adjusted to the idea of growing old than the average cat, kinda lookin' forward to walkin' around with no pants, sayin' innapropriate stuff, perhaps inventing mad scientist-type things and, most importantly, bein' able to get away with it BECAUSE I'm "just a crazy old man.")

And... What the hell, although I don't normally go for "cute"...you gotta admit it is. Little kids, they just never stop thinking about Christmas!

On a related note, do you realize that, as of last Thursday... We're Halfway to Christmas!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/28/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Having just left the hospital after 6 hours

 

The air is soft butter.

Objects in the pharmacy,

while you lean on the counter,

crutches under your armpits,

are overly resonant

and mysteriously mundane.

 

And outside, the sky is

peeling into morning.

The birds are singing

offensively brightly.

When we finally get in the car,

the road is going to scream.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2009:

In answering "Why?" as some ask,

increased whackjob/sniper attacks?

Experts say it be

the economy...

Strange--stress don't make me crave mass-whack!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 13 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Bomb Squad Blows Up Mangoes"

Hmmm.

Apparently, this is related to airport security.

So, despite Obama and all his "change," it seems Bush's War on Terror is still going strong...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2009:

To prevent pay-to-rec'mend hogs

FTC will regulate... Blogs?

Almost wish that meant

they'll reg'late content--

easy'er through Crap-O-Sphere to slog!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 12 Days to Go...

Coverage of important issues is dwindling in the Media. But there are those who refuse to see a problem. Hopefully, they'll shut up now.

I mean, really. There's hardly a Media peep regarding Michael Jackson's death...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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