Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2009:

Rules for bailed-out banks's the news flash;

reaction from Wall Street is brash.

Say banks know biz best

but, like all mooch pests,

we've say in how they'll use OUR cash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 133 Days to Go...

Since we MySpace the Sunday edition, we thought it appropriate to announce today that... We're now completely ignoring any MySpace invites and comments.

With "friends" like these, who needs spam?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/1/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Special Needle in a Newspaper Haystack

As long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, I keep my newspapers for a month.

I got the idea from the public library. As a journalist, of sorts, I can thus go back and look up details on stories I might be writing about.

And, yes, I realize that we now have the Internet but... Anyway.

This means that, after I've finished reading the day's newspaper, and place it on the pile, I pull-out, and recycle, the newspaper from a month ago. As I was doing just that later last month, I recycled a Christmastime edition and, while doing so, a needle from the long-gone Christmas tree fell out.

(Sigh)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/1/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Cloudwalking

 

I walk before the clouds

wring out rain all over us.

Their mute electric tongues

dancing, closing in, above us.

 

Before the sky is clotted

and covered, the winter crust

eases and thins,

school bricks soaking,

 

dripping with snowmelt,

puddles too muddy to be mirrors.

A blast of radio from a passing car

heralds spring, soon.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2009:

At bars, 'least to piss should be free

but at sink, attendant there be.

Don't need him--guilt-tripped

into giving tip...

It's terrorist act: Pay-to-Pee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 132 Days to Go...

The return of bedbugs is all over the news lately.

Nearly eradicated in the U.S. by the 1950s, globalization has... You know, we should've subheaded this nugget as another edition of DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO.

Late 2005?

See? If more people followed Daily Limerick, the world would be a much better place.

A little sleazier place, too, we suppose--but a better place, nonetheless.

(Sigh.) It ain't easy bein' sleazy... Er, bein' visionaries...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2009:

Right Wing says we should not allow

big Fed role in bailout, cites how

gov'ment's ineffective.

True but, wax reflective

on saved... Who ineffective NOW?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 131 Days to Go...

This just in...

Actually it's probably been in for some time but I (Chief Limericist checking in, here) don't drive a whole lot...

Turn signals are, apparently, soooo last century.

In driving, I'm now forced to just assume that nobody's gonna use 'em, at least for changing lanes.

Seriously. Lack of turn signal usage is at crisis level.

But, go ahead, Big Three, now that you've been bailed-out, installing more attention raping gadgets in cars...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2009:

Feds work program to serve as leader

promoting marriage and child breeders.

But knowing the way

the Feds work these days

they'll give billions to married cheaters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 130 Days to Go...

Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together.

Can we at LEAST charge her 50 percent of the police, etc. costs next time she's battered?...

Oh, but remember, women DO like nice guys.

I mean, what nice guy hasn't lost his footing, fell forward and accidentally battered the living fuck out of a girlfriend's face, leaving her with bite marks and massive bruises?...

It was all the rage 10, 15 years ago, for conservative whackjobs to throw hissy fits about artists funded by federal programs, such as the National Endowment for the Arts, whom the deemed offensive.

Yes, a whole .0000001 percent of the federal budget went toward these controversial cats and these folks didn't want their tax dollars going toward such projects.

Recent program on PBS:

"Yanni Voices"

Its high time for us neglected minorities--those of us not among the Moron Majority--to stand up and protest out tax dollars going toward such adventures in lame-ity!

Go forth, ye Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, and join in the true American pastime of Getting Offended!..

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/4/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Starbucks Instant

Starbucks now has instant coffee.

Which is perfect for those who feel the fresh-brewed variety's burnt-bean flavor isn't crap-ass enough!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2009:

They say there are some who will be

okay in this economy.

Healthcare and goods prudent...

For writing? Well, students

can pick--for whom to write for free!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 129 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Utah is No. 1 in America for Internet Porn"

Shame this news is only coming out now. Would've looked great on their entry in those U.S. state quarters...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2009:

Since her bruises swelling's went down

Rihanna is back with Chris Brown.

Let's send her the bill

for next time cops will

come 'round when his fists go to town!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 128 Days to Go...

Although the current economy is certifiably toilet-swimming, most experts agree that, given all factors, it's still not on a par with the dire situation experienced in the early third of the last century.

There are, for instance, no breadlines.

However, in the 1920s and '30s, the public turned to some of the greatest comedians in history to assuage their funk whereas today... Well, the zillionth edition of "The Bachelor" saw a ratings revival, even becoming the most-watched show in its timeslot.

So, we're better off, in some ways, but our pop culture is sure as hell, unabashedly in a Great Depression...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/6/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Laurel & Hardy

Laurel & Hardy are entertaining. And thus a great way to Entertain Yourself.

I mention this because... Well, for one, I've got writer's cock concerning a topic for this section and... The Entertainment Industry is shafting us all out of our L&H fix.

Plenty of stooges on TV, DVD, etc. Likewise with Chaplin, Buster Keaton, the Marx Brothers... But they're doing a crappy job of making the full Laurel & Hardy catalog available.

Ass-Frenchers.

So, in case any Entertainment Industry execs are reading... Aw, who're we kidding? Entertainment Industry execs don't know HOW to read...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2009:

The comic team of Liz & Marty

did X-rated bits, clubs and parties.

Laughs not for the tame!

And soon, for a name,

they settled on "Oral & Hearty"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 127 Days to Go...

In Georgia, there's a town called Cumming.

Just wondering how anybody gets anything done there...

Does anybody out there think it's a good idea for our Chief Limericist to apply for a "cheerleading coach" job?

We didn't think so, either...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2009:

No argument--we're in recession.

Not bad as Great D--that's our blessin'.

Then Chaplin, now... "Bachelor"?

Though lesser disaster

our culture's sure in Great Depression!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 126 Days to Go...

Does anybody else out there feel that maintaining their MySpace and other "social networking sites" is the e-equivalent of cleaning the litterbox?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/8/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Love & Bugs

Since the Great Bedbug Brouhaha of 2004, my condo association has an exterminator visit monthly to perform a prevention spray in all units.

This year, he happened to come on Valentine's Day.

Which, given my personal history, is actually fitting. See, I was besieged by the bedbugs (see the Archives, nutsuckers) just after my divorce. Which led me to toss out the mattress, which meant that the former marital bed was completely and utterly destroyed.

Which was fitting.

There are really sorts of metaphors joining bugs and love, such as... Hmm. Well, there's... Gee. Anyway, figure 'em out yourselves, ya' taint-munchers...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/8/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: "Nothing, ask for nothing"

 

After their great romance ended,

she locked herself in her house,

wailing, and tugged on the curtains

for days on end.

She obsessively listened to his songs,

a twirling circle on her phonograph

embedded with his trembling love.

 

Such a talent would have to be loosed

on the world, and when it was, she

heard him everywhere. His first hits

included bits of her,

mentions of shared joys and his sadness

at their passing. But it was not long

before he started singing of new people.

 

Then she wanted none of it. She stopped

listening -- yet through the years

she absorbed his life's trajectory;

she heard the gossip.

It reminded her he could lash out

when he felt cornered, or belittled.

This too played out in the public eye.

 

When he hanged himself in an Egyptian hotel,

in 1988, she could not escape the news

of his unrelenting gift or his troubled life.

From these accounts

she learned about episodes that matched up

to flashes of doubt she had felt long ago,

when they were in the throes of their love.

 

"Nothing, ask for nothing -- and you will get

nothing in return" went his final song.

A shackled run at a melody, choked and halting,

stumbling in ghostly halls.

Tucking her youngest son in, she let her hand

graze the curtain. A field of brightly colored robots

swayed back and forth, like the rhythm of a lullaby.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2009:

Though porn's banned sold through brick & mortar,

on Internet, in Utah's borders,

as porn fiends, they're tops!

To bad they can't pop

back in time and re-do state quarter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 125 Days to Go...

Unhappiness Is... Having to walk a couple blocks to a mailbox to mail a letter because your Big City mailman is too incompetent to TAKE the mail before STUFFING your new mail into the box...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2009:

Voters told the GOP: Hush

your voices. And their power? Flushed!

Lame duck and limp-petered

makes sense their real leader's

that whackjob, hot air-blowin' Rush!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 124 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times Headline:

"U.S. May Woo Taliban Moderates: Obama"

Taliban MODERATES?

We may as well make piece with all those moderate Nazis, while we're at it--we're sure they're good people, at heart...

Having become hockey fans once again (see the recent Archives for that complicated tale), we have to ask, after seeing hot pics of the Blackhawks Ice Girls in the newspaper now and again... Why do you have cheerleaders if you don't hone in on those hot toddies during TV coverage?...

Read today of a Wisconsin woman who's given birth name is "Marijuana Pepsi Jackson."

So... What the hell's with "Pepsi"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2009:

Obama says what we should do

is "moderate Taliban," woo.

Why not take same shot-sy

with "moderate Nazis"?--

I'm sure that they're good people, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 123 Days to Go...

Our newspaper today published a special article on "Recession-Proof Jobs," with such helpful tip-offs as... Astronomer.

Well, then. With the wallet a bit stretched lately, maybe it's time to hit that local adult-education center, take a two-week course in astronomy and get a job at a planetarium, as they have 'em every couple blocks and the job listings are just lousy with "astronomer wanted" ads...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers familiar with the works of H.P. Lovecraft know that, within his worlds, evil things happen when the stars align just right.

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"'Bachelor's' Rycroft on 'Dancing with the Stars'"

In yet another instance of reality imitating fiction, eldritch evil occurs within our culture when the "stars" align just right...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/11/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Laffy Taffy's Humor Crimes

I normally wouldn't scrutinize a candy such as Laffy Taffy. Largely because... Well, I don't like it. Actually, it's all right, I suppose--there's worse candy out there--but I'm so ridiculously sick of it now that I could go without a chew for the rest of my life and beyond.

To recap an October Edition of "Eat It!"... I was in the annul habit of buying a big, honkin', 100-piece bag of assorted Wonka candy around Halloween. They tinker with the formula, though, and the 2008 version sucked. They cut my absolute fave, Bottle Caps; completely skimped on Runts... I was stuck with a bag of mostly Laffy Taffy, with a sprinkling of other stuff, mostly other stuff I'm not so fond of, like... Well.

Before I get to seriously digression, it was mostly Laffy Taffy--I still have Laffy Taffy left as I type this, although I've been forcin' myself to eat an occasional piece here and there, and it's almost all banana, to boot, and the freakin' bastards not only deluged us loyal customers with too much Laffy Taffy but gave us only two flavors of the deluge to boot... And I'm digressin' again.

Point is... Laffy Taffy prints two jokes on each wrapper--and those jokes are Godawful. Yeah, they're sent in by kids but... I honestly think that any and all jokes sent in make the cut, unless they're obscene or something.

But that's not the worst of it. In "enjoying" my Wonka bag, I have too much Laffy Taffy. On top of that put up with a void of variety in Laffy Taffy flavors. And on top of all THAT... I keep seein' the same four jokes over and over now.

Wonka. Pffft. Lack of variety. Lame-ity. Re-do's... Who do they think they are--Hollywood?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/11/2009:

Regarding yesterday's Limerick, which concerned Rush Limbaugh's new (yet unofficial) role as GOP Chair:

> You should listen to him from start to finish some time.

> By just hearing the sound bytes, he does sound like a

> whackjob....but he's usually right.

We've heard Rush's show and, honestly, find it most entertaining when there's a Democratic president.

Hope you've noticed that we, too, aren't exactly fans of the Bailout Fest and other steps being taken to allegedly "help" the economy's toilet swim.

The question at hand is whether a pundit should indeed be leading a party. Pundits actually speak their minds and offer solutions--which, unfortunately, isn't in the job description for "politician."

Also interesting is the fact that Obama's really following Bush's lead with this "solution" for the economy, which reminds us that picking a Democrat/Republican side is really just bending over and placing yourself right where they want you--as it's all politicians that screwed-us to begin with and are working to keep screwing us so badly that we'll crack the bedposts with our heads...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2009:

Back to hockey fan--long time coming.

And my team has Ice Girls so yummy!

But why hire hot thighs 'n'

tail, if, televisin',

you don't spotlight hot bods 'n' tummies?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 122 Days to Go...

So, President Obama has appointed one Louis Susman as the U.S. ambassador to London's Court of St. James.

Susman, curiously enough, retired only last month as V.P. of Citigroup's global markets.

In case, you know, you're under the mistaken assumption that this bailout is for the benefit of U.S. citizens, or anybody other than the fatcats who caused the mess, really...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2009:

I have MySpace page...but I'm bitter.

Modern chore--cleaning cat e-litter!

Technology's fine

but must draw the line--

ya' Twitter? Your life's in the shitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 121 Days to Go...

Met a lady last night who, refreshingly, despite being Web and e-mail savvy and all, refuses to get involved with MySpace, FaceBook, etc. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

Ahh, to be so free!

What's more, she's no maturing fuddy-duddy--she's, in fact, close to half my age!

Why, the whole encounter was so inspiring that I wanted to just grab her and... Ahem. I mean, I wanted to just take her aside and... Hmm.

Well, Happy Extra Cheezy... Er, guess it's not Extra Cheezy Saturday yet.

But it IS... Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/13/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Watch a Scary Movie

I think I've blathered on about old monster movies and such herein enough.

But it's a Friday the 13th, for Chrisakes, so watch a scary movie.

I prefer and old monster type, or a suspense-y, Hitchcock-y deal...but whatever.

Just tune in some entertainment to scare yourself. It's fun. Somehow.

I remember my cousin, Todd, watching scary movies as a shaver. Well, actually I remember my grandmother TALKING about him watching them. He'd sit on the couch, shaking, frightened out of his gourd...but when Grandma's shut off the TV "so he wouldn't be so upset," he'd yell and fuss for her to turn the movie back on.

So, yeah. Put a little of my cousin in you! Er, well... I mean, watch a scary movie or you're square, see?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2009:

Guy took home a young, naive girl.

Asked her to give teabag a whirl.

She'd not heard of deed;

procured nuts, took lead,

said, "Don't eat, make like autumn squirrel!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 120 Days to Go...

In an age of "reality" TV and "social networking" without contact or conversation with other human beings... Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"Firm developing real guitar for use with 'Guitar Hero'"

At one point, art influenced reality and reality influenced art.

These days, reality sorta, kinda influences "reality"--but "reality" heavily influences reality...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2009:

Appointment of Susman? Here's poop:

Now envoy--once veep, Citigroup!

In case you think bailout's done

for US, or anyone

else but who caused it--you're duped!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 119 Days to Go...

As reported by the Chicago Sun-Times' Michael Sneed, Dorothy Brown, circuit court clerk for Cook County (where Chicago is), reports that, as a result of the Bailout and Obama's anti-foreclosure plan, foreclosures in the county...risen astronomically.

So... Okay, okay. We should quit harping on how the Bailout/Economic Stimulus Plan are really just screwing the shit out of us regular citizens.

We'll try looking on the Bright Side... Headline from the same newspaper:

"3 Generations Robbed Car: Cops"

Well... The Bailout packages appear to at least be helping this Non-Depression bring families together...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/15/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Old School"... Big Deal

Do you know how some people lick the tip of their finger(s) in order to better turn the pages of newspapers, books and such?

Well, I always used to think the practice goofy, but I only recently started utilizing it, and for some reason the term "old school" came to mind and... Well, I'm not gonna write about that topic any more, because it spawned a (marginally) better idea.

Concerning the term "old school"... I guess it still has its place. It hasn't reached to level of needing a forced retirement yet, ala "Wassup!" for instance.

But it's gettin' there. Oh, is it sprintin' toward that oughta-be-finished line.

Before buying the condo I own with that b...my ex-wife, we looked at a lot of places. Spent a lot of time with realtors. (And I refuse to capitalize the word. Bastards.)

I'll (unfortunately) never forget the guy who overused, "Old School."

"This next place has some old school, hardwood floors"; "See, these lights are old school"; "It's got a garage and full basement--totally old school." And on. And on. And on some more. Old school this; old school that; old school up your ass goes splat!

To make matters more annoying--although, admittedly, amusingly annoying--the bastard had some bad DJ pipes. Even tried bonding with me in trumpeting his voiceover work. He still had long hair from his "rockin'" days, although it was so gray that it cried, "Once rockin'!"

So...yeah. Don't have much of a closer, here. Go lick your fingers and turn pages or something...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/15/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: From the foundation

 

This house needs to come down.

The floors are warped, the windows

don't shut out the cold.

And the roof is peeling off.

 

The door doesn't close all the way.

There's no room for my books.

The sink is too small and scratched up;

I can never get the stains out.

 

The foundation is flaking. I bet

if I brought a radon detector

or a moisture sensor into the basement,

I'd get bad news.

 

And you're here.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/15/2009:

Here's a letter raving about the last Friday "Entertain Yourself!" section:

> That was great...

There's more. And... Well, okay, it's my cousin Todd, who was mentioned in the section, so of course he'd find it great but... Ahem.

At least we're not ear-marking. Or pretending our nepotistic actions will save the economy... But wait! There's more--including this scintillating response to... Apparently, the entire Friday edition...we think:

> late ...

Well... We're puzzled, too.

But where else can you have your letter published without having to conform to elitist principles such as...being intelligible?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2009:

Since U.S. economy sunk

the news often leaves me in funk.

Read "NASA..." Thought--space

news brings smile to face!

But learned story was on "space junk."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 118 Days to Go...

So AIG, amid news it suffered a loss of $61.7 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008, and also amid its...what, third public bailout?...is giving out $165 million in bonuses to its executives.

So, these CEOS, after exhibiting horrible professional judgment and deservedly being demonized in the public eye, now expect to be rewarded?

Who do they think they are, Chris Brown?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2009:

So Bernie was only one paid-off

through clients whose savings were laid-off.

Despite all the bruising

one aspect's amusing--

cat's name's actually pronounced, "Made-off"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 117 Days to Go...

So, St. Paddy's Day and no appropriately themed Limerick?

Well, lil' secret... We're not Irish here at Daily Limerick. Not a lick.

And although we can thank the Irish for the modern incarnation of the Limerick--but not the absolute latest in Limerick as, well, a new Limerick Master is now in the Global Village--Limericks are actually originally French.

So enjoy a baguette with your corned beef and cabbage. Or, more likely, a baguette to help prevent a beer-induced puke...

So an arrest went out for Linday Lohan's arrest.

There was no evidence of actual drinking or relapse of any kind. But that's not what's important.

She missed a Meeting. Not just any meeting...an AA meeting.

Some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may not yet realize that we indeed have a state-sponsored religion, but only for court-deemed addicts--and it's courtesy of militant, fundamentalist...LIBERAL everybody's-a-victim extremists...

Even non-physicists are familiar with the theory that "matter can neither be created nor destroyed." And the scientific principle also applies to pop culture.

Take Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc. There are a good number of men who find extra joy in life thanks to these drugs. But perhaps joy can neither be created nor destroyed.

See, an equal amount of annoyance and sheer terror comes from these drugs through many sources--namely, to those of us who can't watch a sporting event without being continually assaulted with the damn commercials...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2009:

Yesterday, you drank beer dyed green

but, today, can relive the scene

each time that you've ran

to puke in the can

for toilet will see a green sheen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 116 Days to Go...

Actually saw the first robin of the upcoming spring season yesterday.

Could not determine, as I only saw him briefly, whether or not he was indeed a rockin' robin...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/18/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Inspiration of Food

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed, Daily Limerick is approaching its 10th Anniversary this summer.

Along the way, for various other anniversaries, we've added sections. At the one-year, we added "Slappin' and Yappin'." Then came Sunday's "Mike's Accursed Verse," Friday's "Entertain Yourself" and Wednesday's" Eat It." There was also a Monday "Health Haiku" along the way, but we somehow lost the cat who wrote that.

Getting all misty and walk-down-memory-lane lately... Well, I must say that I'm especially proud of this section. I originally thought that the Friday entertainment deal would be the one where the ideas poured in, as I often spotlighted my faves among the many Chicago bands I meet through emceeing--and kinda figured the "Eat It!" section might be difficult to maintain.

Hell, I wasn't sure it'd make it this long.

So I'd like to gleefully report that THIS section is the one with the masses of ideas I almost have difficultly getting to.

Who'd have thunk it?

And, really, why bother thunking about it? As long as I'm eatin', and you're eatin' and... Well, things being what they are, I trust that'll happen and... Just keep eatin' Daily Limerick!... Er, eatin' WITH Daily Limerick... Maybe not every day, as sometimes our topical nuggets may spoil your appetites but, anyway, we think you get it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2009:

Saw first robin--so can take stock in

fact that Spring's Near Clock is tick-tockin'--

winter had its turn!

But could not discern

whether robin was, indeed, rockin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 115 Days to Go...

Well, guess this marks the start of having the tune "Rockin' Robin" in our heads for a month or so... A least one could hardly pick a more rockin' tune for such a fate...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2009:

The calendar says: First of spring!

But there's back-and-forth 'til...ka-ching!

Short dresses one day;

next, cold's back. 'Til May

confusion's the king of your thing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 114 Days to Go...

The Wii game system is adding more variety to its pool of games, including the upcoming, "MadWorld," which is reportedly violent and "adult" and blah blah blah.

So, ever so predictably, a perpetual panties-in-a-bunch group, in this case the National Institute for Media and the Family, is all pissed-off because the Wii was previously a "family thing."

See, before, lazy parents, who WOULD have their panties-in-a-bunch, but don't have time, so they look to "family" groups to get panties bunched FOR them, could use the Wii to babysit, without taking 30 seconds to Google games before buying them for their children. Now, they can't.

Of course, this will, in the end, only sell more copies of games like "MadWorld," but the wannabe do-gooders (but actual do-badders, in a free society)... Well, they haven't figured it out yet.

Or perhaps they have. Folks working for these whackjob institutes and such have to do SOMETHING all day to justify a salary...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/20/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: This is YOUR "Pull-Out" Section

Earlier this week, we mused, as we approach our big Ten Year this summer, about the history of Daily Limerick's "Special" sections, which have mostly been added at key anniversaries along the way.

Specifically, we blathered about how delightfully Wednesday's "Eat It!" section has been proceeding, with a continual surplus of topics to touch on.

This "Entertain Yourself" section, on the other hand... Well, if you've paid any attention at all, we've had difficulties on and off with topics.

The difficulties have not been dire. That is, we certainly plan to continue with "Entertain Yourself" as part of our post-Ten Year roadmap. (Which is more of an aimless road trip, to be truthful.)

However... Well, we're not sure why we bother, but thought we'd toss off a cheap filler this week in reminding you that this is YOUR "Entertain Yourself" section, so if you have any ideas, pass 'em along.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled, weekly reach for appropriate topics...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2009:

A lush who was full, screamin' gay

ate healthy, but drank night and day.

Got laid, but turned pallid

while tossing guy's salad--

and tossed 'nother salad his way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 113 Days to Go...

Saw somebody reading a newspaper this morning, before there was time to even get to our own newspaper and... Something about a change in advertising testimonial rules? Thus... Dare we dream:

No more Jared? Again, haven't read into it but... The mere possibility! Springtime, birds are singing, flowers growing, skirts a'rising... Ahem.

Don't know whether this is officially part of it or not, but the Stimulus Package is FINALLY improving the mood of us consumers...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2009:

New ad rules proposed would disparage

"testimonial" truth miscarriage.

It gets complicated

but we're just elated

that future may bring no more Jared!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 112 Days to Go...

We knew there'd be trouble with Obama's visit to "The Tonight Show."

We've said all along that there's danger in a politician trying to be too hip--especially the actual President. We might add, too, that there's good reason an acting President has never before appeared on such a show.

Well... Obama made a joke about the Special Olympics. Causing, of course, hubbub.

See, it's awfully hard to go on a talk show AND obey your focus groups at once. Obama's quip was amusing. That, however, is the problem--you can't be humorous AND ensure that somebody, ANYBODY, somewhere, ANYWHERE, might not possibly take "offense"...

So, Sarah Palin has rejected Stimulus Package money for Alaska.

Gotta extend that 15 Minutes SOMEHOW...

On the heels of Natasha Richardson's untimely skiing-related death, Big Mother activists are chiming in about the need to legally require helmets for skiers.

Just let the government protect us from ourselves... Pay no heed to the fact that they can't do anything else with competence--oh, and don't worry about where all of our tax dollars are going; trust 'em...

The basketball team of Chicago high school North Lawndale Prep lost a state semi-final largely because of a technical foul for... Wearing uniforms that didn't conform to regulations because they had a stripe that was too wide?

I know that even high school sports are struggling to emulate the pros but... If you're gonna do THAT type of thing, at least have it dictated by corporate overlords...er, sponsors...

Saw a bike rider in the city today... Actually OBEYING THE RULES OF THE ROAD--and actually ON said ROAD, rather than dangerously plowing along a sidewalk (that activity's illegality being regularly ignored by the Parking Citation Revenue Workers...er, cops)!

Oh, the miracles of spring!...

Open letter to Thorek Memorial Hospital, Chicago, IL:

Received another copy of your bill today. I'd remind you yet again to send it to my insurance company but... I have to commend whoever wrote it, or at least came up with the idea.

A basic blood test (cholesterol, etc.)...$650?

Opening bills is a tedious chore--and I must thank you for bringing me a laugh while doing it!

Whoever's responsible oughtta look into writing for the Onion! Blood test, $650...he hee... Oh, you're killin' me! (Quite possibly, eventually, literally)...

Gotta commend the Right-Wingers while I'm at it, too. Our healthcare system needs no messin' with; it's the best that money (and lives) can buy!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/22/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Brief Briefcase Phase

Although I've been out of college for about a dozen years now, I still carry a backpack around. I suppose it's more of a book bag--and I've known folks who got all hipster P.C. with that one, insisting that what they carry is NOT a backpack, BUT a book bag. I don't really care, except that mine is more properly a shoulder bag, as it isn't designed to hang along my back at all.

I continually carry crap around. Reading materials, for public transportation. Toothpaste, toothbrushes, resumes, writing clips (you never know whom you may run into). I'd go on, but it'll probably frighten you, and may in fact even frighten me, as I'll go into Backpack Contents Alteration Mode and feel the urge to reconsider all of the crap I carry along...which might entail making some additions, too.

When I first moved to the Big City from the boondocks, I'd asked for a briefcase for... Christmas or my birthday or whatever. And I received one. I thought it was cool as crap and was sure as shit that I'd thus forever be a Briefcase Person. Mine had a combination lock--and my sister even caught me humming the theme from "Mission Impossible" as I tried it out.

But... I don't know. For one, you can't fit much in a briefcase. I could've gotten one of those fat jobbies, I guess but... Soon, my grandma gave me a backpack, or book bag of some sort, that she scored when opening a checking account or something and... I've never looked back.

Well, I guess I'm looking back NOW but... I'm a book bag guy, now and forever.

Someday, I may well move out of the city, using a car more often and going back to my pre-Big City days--that is, carrying my crap in door pockets, glove compartments and the like.

But until that time... Aw, who'm I kidding? I can fit more in my shoulder bag than in all those car pockets and compartments anyway...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/22/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The life-tree

 

Here is the life-tree.

Why so many candles at its roots?

Are they placekeepers,

peacekeepers, of memory?

Its branches are full of birds

that do not sing. They tilt

their heads in unison,

waiting to take wing.

Sounds underground move the leaves.

But we do not move.

We stare. And sing.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/22/2009:

> SUBJECT: My Liberal Friends were right.

>

> They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation's Hope

> would deteriorate, and sure enough there has been a 20

> point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the

> election, reaching a lower point than any time during

> the Bush administration...

It goes on. And on.

We could answer seriously, of course. About how this economy's toilet-swim, since it's tied to the bad mortgage crisis, goes backward through Obama's tenure, through Dubya's and at least into Clinton's, if not the first Bush's term, and is the fault of the banks and realtors and both political parties... But is that really what you're checking-in to Daily Limerick for?

But since the topic is rather sober--and we can't find a significant grammatical error in the letter to focus on... Let's take this time to honor recently deceased actress Natasha Richardson by... Well, we're not sure, but we THINK someone in this office once touched himself while viewing a pic of her.

Ahem.

Not the most heartwarming of tributes, sure but... Hell, we're supposed to get all sad over a celebrity dying when she probably wouldn't have spoken with us anyway?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2009:

So seems Sarah Palin will choose

of Stimulus funds, to refuse.

I don't need to ask ya'

if't's best for Alaska--

it keeps Sarah's name in the news!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 111 Days to Go...

Two youths died in Angola when a crowd of people stampeded in order to see the Pope.

Isn't it high time we started addressing the dangerous effects that religion has on our children?...

When watching a hockey game on TV, with the puck flying around so fast and the camera's inability to get closer to the action as in other sports, what with the rink and all... Well, it's helpful for fans to utilize little viewing tricks.

Now, each team's goalie switches goals, and thus sides, for each of the three periods. Thus, you're hoping for your team to move the puck in one direction for the first and third periods, and in another direction altogether for the second period. So, you just need to remember which direction you're rooting for puckage to travel.

Thus, when a game starts out with the opposing team's goalie to the left, such a game is a "liberal" one, as most of the time, you're rooting left. Reverse the goalies and you have a "conservative" game.

Er... Hope that helps...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2009:

I'm mostly less-government guy

but on healthcare? Can't echo cry:

"Hands off!" from that lot

though it seems we've got

best that money (and lives) can buy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 110 Days to Go...

Noticed today that our wonderfully diverse array of cable TV offerings--but no need to question modern deregulation, of course; just look how well it's went for banks and such--includes CMT offering "Extreme Makeover: Home."

Now... Okay, this is a target so easy it's a veritable pop cultural bull's eye but... Shouldn't they be showing "Extreme Makeover: Trailer Park"?...

Okay, okay, this one isn't AS easy:

Considering today's economy, shouldn't they be showing "Extreme Makeover: Cardboard Box"?...

One thing about the iPod revolution that makes it a little easier to handle is the fact that, when some oblivious-to-reality moron is getting all in your way along a city street or in the grocery aisles or whatever, he/she (presumably) can't here you muttering things like, oh, "Shit-fer-brains" and "Duh!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2009:

Teens died, caught in masses amid

trying to see Pope, as many did.

Ain't it time to reflect

on the dang'rous effects

that religion does have on our kids?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 109 Days to Go...

So now a bunch of Obama's Hollywood supporters, including Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks, are urging the President to stop doing stuff like "The Tonight Show" and... Well, act more like a President.

Hmm... We're gettin' tired of sayin' this, but if only Obama'd been a Daily Limerick reader, this (and that) wouldn't need sayin'...

So, the recipients of the Beard Awards have been announced and... Huh? No Joaquin Phoenix?

Oh... They're for RESTAURANTS. We now return you to your regularly scheduled...slow news day...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/25/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Potato Sprayed" Fries

Concerning today's titular food offering... Who the hell likes 'em? They're awful as all shit and yet some restaurants continue to serve 'em.

SOMEBODY must like 'em, else nobody would be giving the okay to this culinary terrorism. So... Fess up, ya' mealy mouths bastards.

Kids are starvin' in China, and we're ruining perfectly good French fries with this crap...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2009:

In world full of morons and tools

amid rough, there's 'ccasionally jewels.

On my "gotta like" list

I spied a rare cyclist--

a miracle!--minding road rules!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 108 Days to Go...

In Chicago, Corruption Hall...er, City Hall has privatized the parking meter situation, thus necessitating a loan to park for any significant amount of time. In case you haven't noticed, it's not just Chicago--privatization has taken to country by storm, right on up to the Feds privatizing much of the military duties in Iraq, with stellar results.

This coming at a time when our slimeball politicians are talking about tax increases--you know, to really get an economy going by taking money from already hard-pressed citizens amid a recession... But we're proud to see that a form of protest has erupted over the parking meter situation. Largely, NOBODY is paying to park--but there are even reports of meter vandalizing.

Just a reminder to any politicians reading: The revolution that started this nation arose from the idea of "no taxation without representation."

Yeah, yeah--we realize that we DO have elected representatives now but... Taxation with "representation" doesn't cut it, taint-chompers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2009:

"Extreme Makeover's" like a pox.

On CMT now, easy knock?

"EM: Trailer Park"!

But here-and-now snark's--

"Extreme Makeover: Cardboard Box"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 107 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Clinton: U.S. Drug Users Fuel Mexico Violence"

So now the standard "liberal" line... Well, doesn't follow the typical "liberal" logic.

Say, with "abstinence only" education, where it's realized that, whether we like it or not, kids will more than likely have sex and we thus should prepare them as best we can... Anyway, so Hil says the fault lies NOT with the horrific failure known as the War on Drug Users creating an underground market but with the all-too-human urge to intoxicate, which we're supposed to battle, we guess, despite the fact that it's been around... Oh, about as long as sex itself and... Oh, we shouldn't even be going there.

Anyway... Gather 'round, grandchildren, and we'll tell you about a time when it actually mattered, which political party was in power...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/27/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Archie Comics

I love Archie Comics.

Correction: I USED to love Archie Comics. Bought some a few years back, to check in anew and... They seemed kinda lame, actually. Not lame enough to make them non-enjoyable, but lame enough to... Well, to not be as it used to be, when I was a shaver.

I encourage Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to read Archie Comics and ignore the nay-sayers. I remember the nay-sayers well. Making fun of me for reading Archie rather than... Oh, superhero comics and stuff.

But I will say this: Betty and Veronica were hot. Still are, I guess, in Cartoon World... Saw a chick recently who had a sweater that was seemingly the same shade of blue as Betty's. She was brunette, rather than the blonde of Betty, so I was tempted to tell her to switch to more Veronica-hued clothing but... Well, that didn't' seem wise.

And speaking of chicks... All you anti-Archie, superhero comics readers out there? The ones who ripped into me over my choice in comics? Question:

How're things with the ladies, now that you're grown up and (hopefully) not reading as many superhero comics?

Hmm... Kinda thought so...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2009:

Pair met--and the chick's heart burned red!

She, on-the-spot, dragged him to bed!

No slut, but appeal

was head over heels--

or really more "heels over head"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 106 Days to Go...

As a couple, sometimes there's confusion as to when your "Anniversary" occurs.

The day you met? The first date? First kiss?

Well, Daily Limerick would like to offer a fix for the oft perplexing question:

Celebrate the first time you did anal! You're "Analversary"!

Ahem. Just tryin' to help...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2009:

Have we one pol party or two?

Hil helms Drug War--blames me and you

for impulse we sate!

Since cave, 'toxicate--

why not blame sky for being blue?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 105 Days to Go...

According to Tom Farley, brother of late comedian Chris Farley, who died of a drug overdose in 1997 at 33, Chris had been in and out of rehab...17 times.

But really, no need to consider changing the methods of Big Rehab, which haven't changed since a bunch of drunks started the Recovery Religion in a church basement in the 1930s.

Rehab ain't helpin' our rampant addiction problem much...but it's making billions... Rehab all you want, they'll sell more...

Rest in Peace, Chicago Sun-Times.

You have a storied history--and if Fred the Intern weren't still out on Spring Break, we'd say a bit more about that history... But you've been our newspaper of choice since we started reading one daily, back when the Chief Limericist was in college and his copyediting instructor quizzed us on current events regularly... That's going on 15 years, so pardon us if we wax misty.

(And take it from us, that hippie-ass Misty could use a good waxing!... Ahem.)

Although we prefer printed media for our news, this likely means going to the Internet for our news in the near future. Yes, there's the Sun-Times' competitor, the Chicago Tribune but... It's about time we entered the "I ain't payin' for no content" age, help bring about the inevitable death of newspapers, leaving the bloggers with no real news to comment upon...eventually heralding a new age of journalism where the bloggers will be forced to get jobs, or play Dungeons & Dragons all day, and a profitable system of Web-only newspapers, with actual reporters, will again thrive on advertising revenue.

Oh, the Sun-Times hasn't yet folded. But it takes one giant leap toward the grave in raising its per-copy price from 50 to 75 cents tomorrow, Monday, March 30.

Let's try to discern what their marketing folks were thinkin'... In Chicago, the only two newspapers that are thriving are the Tribune's RedEye, commuter edition and the Onion... What do they have in common?... Hmmm... Oh, they're FREE... And where are people getting most of their news from these days?... The Internet...hmm... How does that enter the equation?... Hmmm... Oh, it's FREE content... Oh, and we're amid a full-on, honkin' Recession, if not a Depression in Recession's Clothing...people have less money to spend...less willing to buy non-necessary products if they cost more... WE'VE GOT IT! We'll not only RAISE the newspaper price--we'll raise it a full 50 FREAKIN' PERCENT! That'll save the company!

Hey, we're no economists or financial "experts." But if the lessons of our toilet-swimming economy, and the methods to "save" it, are to be heeded... Maybe it's time we started listening to anybody BUT the "economists" and financial "experts"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/29/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Dreaming in Daily Limerick

I was Dreaming in Daily Limerick recently.

Don't remember details. I think I was in the text files from which I derive the issues that you bastards read. Typing in nuggets, cutting and pasting the formatting, perhaps struggling over a "Special" section topic.

See... It's been almost Ten Years with this thingie. You may have noticed. So it's hard to keep DL from invading the rest of my life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go call this man I once knew from Nantucket...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/29/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: When the rising tide recedes

 

The sound of the sea

in the empty streets.

 

Distant music

from other rooms.

 

Pages turning

in the glow of a lamp.

These things

are what they are.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2009:

Experts say economy can

turn 'round...if we follow their plans.

But "experts" are why

economy's fried--

best listen to, say, garbage man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 104 Days to Go...

So Bravo has a "new," "reality show" (sounding curiously like a zillion other "reality" shows) called "The Millionaire Matchmaker" in which... This just in:

If you're a FREAKIN' MILLIONAIRE and you can't find a woman, you don't need a "reality" show, you need to get neutered... C'mon. The rest of us can get laid WITHOUT a million dollars. If you're that pathetic, please, remove yourself from the gene pool...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2009:

Economy slices and dices

our budgets, which somehow entices

those genius biz folks

to tighten the choke...

Less buying? "Well, duh! We'll raise prices!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 103 Days to Go...

The environment is now saved! The polar ice caps have refrozen! The rain forest is growin' like what's-her-name Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend's bush! The ozone layer has grown back!

All because millions were spent on the Earth Hour pr campaign that culminated over this last weekend! Yes, thousands of already green-aware hipsters looking for an easy-out to "do something" over the problem participated!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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