Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2009:

No more Pontiac--no Trans Am?

I'd thought its run already ran!

Can gold-chain dudes leggo--

those well-cologned dagos?

Age of death to "Car Makes the Man"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 72 Days to Go...

The cable channel Versus sucks ass.

Make that sucks total ass.

Make that sucks total, utter, irrevocable ass. Hopelessly.

So our beloved Chicago Blackhawks enter the second round of the NHL playoffs and two of the games, including last night's, are shown ONLY on Versus? So we're supposed to subscribe to that freakin' lame-o channel to see TWO games we really wanna see--and have access to other teams' games we don't really give a shit about the rest of the year?

Unsurprisingly, Versus is owned by ComCast, a cultural terrorist organization. Look into it. We're not in the mood to fill you in right now.

It's hard to put a witty capper on a nugget when you're ragingly pissed-off.

So... Well, when we think of those assload executives, coldly, calculatedly screwing millions of fans out of the simple pleasures in life to make a buck... We kinda wished we believed in Hell...

Nothin' says laughs like gnashing teeth, you know...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/1/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Nick Bognar

Nick Bognar's a dick--and he's always lookin' for some excuse to whip his penis out and... Ahem.

Okay, that's not true. Although the idea of someone being a "dick" IS subjective... Anyway.

Nick's a great singer/player/songwriter, who plays solo and with band. He's recently released a new CD and it's a ridiculous bargain at $5 a pop. He writes what he lives, and lives what he writes, generating insightful lyrics on topics from ex-girlfriends to no longer getting a buzz from cigarettes.

How's his sound?... Well, I don't call myself the Shittiest Music Critic on the Planet for nothing. So it's best that you check the link, below.

And, yes, it's a MySpace link and, yes, I know FaceBook and Twitter are all the unfortunate rage now, and Nick has those, too but... Let's not digress (despite the fact that it'd undoubtedly prove more interesting than THIS pathetic excuse for a music review).

Oh, and Nick's also an artistic Renaissance Man, of sorts. I'll admit that I know the cat, from live Chicago shows and as a co-hort on the late "Flabby Hoffman Extravagonzo" Internet radio show. He does some emceeing, too, and is a funny guy (in all senses of the word).

So:

http://www.myspace.com/nickbognar

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2009:

To stardom, young hockey star blazing;

met groupie, effusively praising,

and thought, "What the heck?"

Gave her good "poke check"--

her "stick-handling" skills proved amazing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 71 Days to Go...

Just once can we see one of those can't-be-non-entertained-for-even-a-moment bastards, in the rain, too outta the real world to remember an umbrella, but, of course, unable to forget their iPod... Just ONCE can we see one electrocuted from the rain hitting the iPod?

Pretty please?

And all entertaining, too. Convulsin', droolin'... We need our belief in God(s) reaffirmed...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2009:

Guess they're made water-safety suited

but iPods in rain? I've long rooted

that some "entertain-me-

each-second" in rain sees

his hipster ass electrocuted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 70 Days to Go...

Does anybody else feel the urge to push Matthew McConaughey off a bridge?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/3/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Playoff Ticket Dilemma

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have undoubtedly noticed, as of late, that I've been prattling on an awful lot about hockey. Yeah, I'm into it, and there's an interesting story (or at least an "interesting" one) behind it...but that'll wait for another Sunday Story Time.

Yes, I've been following my beloved Blackhawks this year. I was a big fan, back when I was a shaver--but then owner Bill Wirtz pulled a total dickhead maneuver, yanking their games off the air because... Well, that's another story. But Bill Wirtz died last year, his son Rocky took over and the Hawks are back on the air. And kickin' ass, I might add.

In any event, I've been blabbing to M'Lady about the Blackhawks season and how it, literally, makes me feel like a kid again to be watching 'em--not to mention how magical it seems that they're on a serious playoff run this year. So, with my birthday coming up on the 19th (inquire about where to send gifts, knuckle-pumps), she recently surprised me with tickets to a first-round playoff game in Chicago.

Well, not so much tickets, per se, as a printout voucher for tickets to "Round 1 Home Game D Chicago Blackhawks vs. Opponent TBD." Which is how playoff tickets work. But this floored me. I'd decided, personally, against getting REGULAR season tickets, despite my raging fandom, due to economic reasons and... Playoff tickets? She's in much the same financial boat as I am and... Well, it wowed the nut outta me. Don't wanna let HER go. (That's a story perhaps too sappy for this filthy site.) What's next? Bringin' me bacon? (That's a story NOT too sappy for a future edition.)

Here's the sorta O'Henry-ish angle: "Home Game D" also translates as the seventh game in a best-of-seven playoff series meaning, for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who don't follow sports, that such a game is not guaranteed--in fact, one team can win the first four games, so games five through seven aren't guaranteed.

Had circumstances come together, it would've been a hockey fan's wet dream come true--boiling down to the final playoff game at a rowdy home rink? But, alas, there was no "Round 1 Home Game D." Which, of course, doesn't eclipse the marvel-osity of the gift, but I've already digressed in that direction.

What really sent my spirit for a loop was what's inherent in the concept of holding a playoff ticket for games five to seven. As in how it affects rooting for your team. Now, of course, rooting for a team has no real effect on a game's outcome, despite the rituals of fans...although you could make an argument that, being actually present, your voice, added to the others', contributes to what is called "home-ice advantage" but... Anyway, I was faced with a strange dilemma.

I didn't find out about the gift until after Game Five. The Blackhawks were leading the series 3-2 at that point, so in watching Game Six at home last Monday... Was I supposed to root AGAINST the Blackhawks, so that I could attend what would be a glorious Game Seven?

In the end... I went ahead and rooted for the Hawks. They hadn't yet won a playoff game on the road, a necessary thing to do for upcoming series' and... Yeah. My rooting from home had no effect on things. But I felt that I was toying with black magic or something in doing otherwise, that the Gods or whatever would think, "So... He's got the nerve to root AGAINST them just for a night and THEN expects them to win AFTER that night..." Well, I couldn't do anything BUT root for them.

Now, I was able to go into my Monday game-watching with a "win-win" attitude. "I hope they win, but if they don't, I'm seein' a live playoff game!"

I've struggled for a proper metaphor for this situation. Like, say, "tough love" toward a loved one, ala, "I hope he gets busted for DUI because that's what it'll take to face his addiction." But... Well, I can't find one that fits.

In any event, take note, sports-fan Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--ordering playoff tickets could put you in a strange state of mind...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/3/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Thoughts from the limousine wreck

 

The whole fucking beautiful machine

is now a shit-ton heap. Champagne

pooling into the transmission fluid.

(an olive-oil glisten

in the wet, raw heat.)

 

Did we really care about whose

turn it was to do the dishes?

And other stupid shit

nobody cares about? 'cause now

every pulse is blinding noise

 

tipping on the edge of silence.

Movement without moving.

Burning smells, distance rushing up,

the too tight cinch of a seat belt

lashing our skin.

 

I don't know ... if I am ...?

This fucking beautiful machine

so suddenly collapsing into junk

faster than months of wrong words

from our everyday mouths.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/3/2009:

This comes in from Nick Bognar, profiled in Friday's "Entertain Yourself!" section:

> Fuckin A man!

> Thanks very much for the kind words. That means a lot.

> Plus, I've been looking for a way to crack the Irish audience

> for a long time, and I think this strategic placement in the

> limerick world might just set the ball in motion.

>

> Seriously, though, thanks man.

> Nick

Odd thing is, we don't have a lot of Irish readers, apparently.

Romanian, for some reason. Netherlands, too.

We find Limericks are funnier if you can't understand them...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2009:

That queen of 'tween marketing sector

M. Cyrus dreams of bein'...director?

As fans age from 'tween,

she'll cling to Fifteen...

Like Brit, desp'rately whore her nectar!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 69 Days to Go...

So, is everybody freaking out sufficiently over the Swine Flu epidemic?

Good. Wouldn't want all the warnings to go for naught and see millions die as with, say... SARS or Bird Flu...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2009:

They say Swine Flu plague's just begun--

dead bodies will pile through its run!

But panic? It's hard--

like Bird Flu and SARS,

are docs "cryin' wolf" on this one?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 68 Days to Go...

The father of the African girl whom Madonna seeks to adopt is now fighting for her custody.

Meaning Madonna may have to try another child to get her hipster, Hollywood jollies... Or is that to get her Jolies?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2009:

Adoption might not come to be!

Madonna--been African teased?

Would foil her hip, Holly-

wood adoption jollies...

Or should I say, foil her "Jolies"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 67 Days to Go...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"Man Dies in Fall from Health Care Center"

Ah, the O'Henry-esque irony!

Usually, our health care system doesn't work so quickly...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/6/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Food Stamp Shame Game

It's altogether rare, but once in a great while I have witnessed grocery customers paying with food stamps.

Yes, I realize that they are no longer really food "stamps," but debit cards or some such now, but the term's convenient.

What I'm wondering is, with the modern backlash against the very idea of welfare in any form, whether the process is in fact designed to shame people into... Oh, getting a better job or perhaps finding a genie in a lamp to solve their financial problems.

Perhaps food stamp purchases occur all the time, and I rarely notice, but whenever I HAVE noted such a purchase... There's always hubbub. Paperwork needs to be filled-out, the manager needs to come over...something. It's as if the whole food stamp process is crafted to ensure check-out embarrassment.

Perhaps an investigation is in order--starting with possible food-stamp system creator, Woody Allen...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2009:

I'd watch my team, from first dropped puck,

but greedy execs screw us schmucks.

"Versus" has game rights.

Subscribe? For bull fights?

Can't count the ways "Versus" pure sucks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 66 Days to Go...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"Experts Meet on Threat of Birds to Aircraft"

Perhaps revenge, as that Bird Flu thing didn't cause a dent in the human population?

On the bright side, we won't have to worry about this tactic once the Swine Flu proves a wide-eyed, Chicken Little-esque panic. At least until we see a time when pigs... Well, you know...

And another from the same update:

"'Her Mistake was to Mix Prescription Drugs with Alcohol.'

A lawyer discusses the case of a British celebrity who diverted a United Airlines flight after allegedly trying to bite an attendant in the leg. Julie Johnsson reports."

No. Her mistake was to trying BITING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT IN THE LEG. Lots of people mix prescription drugs and alcohol and curiously resist that urge...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2009:

With Swine Flu freak-out on the wane,

mem'ries of Bird Flu jog my brain...

No mass death that year;

so nothing to fear

from birds--'less, of course, you're a plane!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 65 Days to Go...

For many decades, Big College has swindled businesses into believing that people can only prepare for real-world work through their universities... And, really, we don't need to furnish any stats or research to support the contention that those bastards have us all by the nuts, charging whatever the hell they feel they can get away with, leaving the inflation rate in the dust with their regular tuition hikes.

The trend over the last couple of decades has been to make an overpriced "college" for everything. You a paralegal certificate to be a paralegal; there are bartending schools--wouldn't doubt there's a Garbage Man U. somewhere.

Well, let's just say, while avoiding devolving into a Sunday Story Time that has to wait, for various reasons that... We've seen a cooking school student who's such a fuck-up, there's no way in hell he can keep a job in his current, sorry state. Unless, perhaps, he got a government job.

But it appears he'll be graduating from a culinary institute. Good thing we have these schools for every freakin' thing!

But, oh no, these schools, and Big College, aren't just about money... There's power involved, too...

On that topic, we were just reading about some local marketing "genius" who's moving to a museum gig after a stint at the Chicago White Sox, where he's been celebrated for such promotions as "Elvis Night."

So you need four years of marketing education for that type of thing? To sit around eight hours a day and come up with that stuff?

For any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there working for bargain-seeking companies, we'll take 30 seconds here... How about "Beatles Night"? "Hawaiian Night"? "Cowboy Hat Night"?

For a whole TWO MINUTES, we'll only charge $100,000...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/8/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Staring at the Floor

It had to come to this at some point, didn't it?

But in all seriousness, or at least with a cursory nod toward seriousness, it's how I "Entertained Myself" for many a Friday and Saturday night in my late teens, early 20s, with the drinking problem and geekiness and all.

So don't knock it 'til you try it.

Actually, go ahead and knock it. And I really don't recommend trying it, either...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/8/2009:

Most of the e-mails we receive are either letters from Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers or spam. But we're not sure what to make of this one, subjected "SAVE THE DATE!!!!":

> E ELITE CULTURE PRESENTSTHE T O U C H I N G & T E A S I N G AFFAIR...

It goes on, of course--all about a 21-and-older... Well, borderline sex party. And it's near Chicago where, of course, our Daily Limerick Towers are located.

Now, we understand receiving those mass spam things for Viagra and even horny housewives but... This seems as if it targeted us personally. As a site, anyway.

So... Just what kinda site do you think we're running here?

Oh. That's right...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2009:

Young Carly kept pussy lips shut--

virginity, to her, was what

was important...but

so was hot guys' nuts

so she became purely butt-slut!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 64 Days to Go...

Wow! Today's Limerick is the first time I, Chief Limericist (checking-in, here), employed a rhyme scheme wherein the fourth and fifth lines rhymed, not only with each other, but with the other three lines!

Well, great moments in art experimentation are inherently subjective, I guess...

In musing about marketing schemes for yesterday's edition (Chief still checked-in, here)... Well, now I just can't stop.

I'm thinkin' for the cooler months--and it's good timing, as businesses will have to get their paperwork and sweatshops workin' on this for next fall... The Nut Muffler.

Like a scarf (but "muffler" sounds more chi-chi, don't ya' think)...but for your nuts. I can see the ad campaign now: "Never Say, 'I'm Freezin' My Nuts Off!' Again!"

Hmmm.

Well, maybe there's a reason I shouldn't be in marketing, after all...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2009:

Toward hockey, sports fans will grandstand,

say fights keep them from bein' fans.

On-ice, sure, play'rs aim

to goon but, post-game,

all's cools--hey, they even shake hands!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 63 Days to Go...

So Big Healthcare is freaking out and proposing all sorts of concessions, including charging women the same rate as men for premiums, because it fears the possible impending competition from... Government health care?

Witness, say... FedEx or UPS vs. the U.S. Post Office.

Can you name another industry that would do anything but chuckle at the threat of "competition" from nepotistic, money-burning, always-eatin'-a-sandwich-or-on-break GOVERNMENT WORKERS?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/10/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hockey Player Dreams

Since I've been blathering a lot about hockey lately, after years of bashing the sport, I thought I'd come clean:

I love the shit out of hockey. I only stopped paying attention to the National Hockey League when that rat bastard owner Bill Wirtz took the Chicago Blackhawks games off TV in an ill-fated attempt to increase live attendance, which ended when he died last year and his son did the right thing and... Ahem.

Since it's getting to the time of year where musing about hockey is out-of-season (although it could have a "Christmas in July" effect, I suppose), with the NHL's Stanley Cup in the second of its four rounds--and God I hope the Blackhawks are still in it as you read this... In short, I used to want to be a professional hockey player when I grew up.

Oh, it's not unusual for a boy to dream of being a professional athlete. But I worked my nuts off. I'd ice skate and stickhandle for eight hours, some days, on the pond by our house in the winter. I engaged in this self-training for a few years, too. Haven't skated in a while, but I'm sure with a little time, I'd be skating backwards and turning on a dime and all that stuff.

What attracted me to hockey, of all things, as an American? I'm not sure. I was always sorta weird in the way that I really like fall and winter where most people seem to moan and groan about it, at least in a temperate climate. Then again, I'm not sure if that influenced the hockey penchant or if the hockey penchant caused the love of colder weather... Yeah, I'd wanted to be a baseball player. And a football player. I remember, with the ridiculous optimism of a child, furiously thinking out the dilemma of whether I should be a football or baseball player... Abut that was almost exclusively mere dreaming, no action.

But I actually was really good at hockey, which may sound pie-in-the-sky but... I'll never know for sure whether I had the mettle to be a pro hockey player because... I never played hockey in any organized sense. Managed to cobble together some half-ass games with neighborhood boys, but hockey wasn't offered in my school system.

There was a private league in a near-ish suburb, the Barrington Hockey League. But it was expensive, so my mom balked. I remember yelling at her, "You're ruining my career!" Which, statistically, is probably untrue. But we'll never know. (I guess there's my...er, Mother's Day angle.)

My rat-bastard best friend at the time, Jimmy, who grew-up into a racist and was gradually phased-out of my life... Well, his parents were a bit uppity. Both our fathers were airline pilots, but my dad had more seniority with United Airlines, and made more money...but they bought far more stuff. And they shelled-out to put Jimmy, who was far below my skill level in hockey, into the league.

So... Yeah. There you have it. I love hockey, I have a history with hockey and... Happy Mother's Day, ya' nut-munchers...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/10/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Anti-seismic technique

 

You are to cut up the body

without once making it grim;

laugh and joke as you work,

with dignity and clear eyes.

 

Pound the bones to flour

and feed that to the birds too.

Then leave with the bloody sheet

and return to village life.

 

Behind your hut rises a tower

that is 1,000 years old.

Though ancient it is not solemn,

& just as much a part of the day.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2009:

Spring's last 40s dip comes in May--

time to stash the fire logs away.

But end of Fire Season

is much like life's teasin's--

hot log will see light, 'nother day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 62 Days to Go...

Locally, the Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times and even the alt-weeklies have been layin' off people left and right, mirroring a national--no, global--trend.

And, also, we imagine, mirroring a wider trend, we've lately noticed artsy folks bitchin', moanin', protestin' and activistin' the fact that arts writers and arts coverage are suffering cuts.

Part of this arises from the very nature of being an artist. Facing a difficult career path, broke much of the time, arts folk in general leap to decry any cuts in funding, coverage, what-have-you, much like your leg kicks outward when the doctor hits just above your knee with the plastic lil' hammer.

Now. Let us say first that WE are a bunch of artsy-farts up here. Yeah, it's Limericks and filth--but it's still poetry and (allegedly) humorous creative writing here. And we're also part of this troubled "Media," too. Not to mention that many of us are entangled in the arts in other ways--the Chief Limericist, for instance, hosts local music shows, reviews theater, has had, and will probably have more, day jobs grantwriting at various arts nonprofits, etc. And most of the time--when, say, we're not on the verge of a crippling global depression--we're right there with the other artsy-farts, lobbying for maximum arts coverage, funding, etc.

BUT... Shut up. In case your heads have been up your asses so far that you haven't noticed, the traditional media is in danger of vanishing altogether and was even BEFORE the economy collapsed. National coverage? Largely co-opted to national sources (AP, national networks, etc.). Local coverage? With nowhere to really co-opt to, it's vanishing. Important investigative reports serving a major function in a Democratic society, keeping tabs on government and major industries and such? Ha, ha... Oh, that's a funny one!

Our favorite creative columns? Killed. Treasured comics carried by local papers? Gone. We could go on and on and, frankly, the cuts are gonna go on and on... So to all you artsy farts still in the habit of whinin' when a newspaper or TV station (which, by the way, we're guessing, you don't own) cuts arts coverage:

Shut the fuck up. If a major terrorist attack hits the Windy City and emergency response teams are scrambling to save lives, are you gonna tell 'em to stop what they're doing and go save a freakin' Matisse from the Art Institute?...

Wow. Just after writing the above nugget, we read of the magazine Corvette Quarterly going under and... Wow. A media outlet paired with the also-fucked auto industry!

The real news here is... It stayed afloat THIS long?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2009:

With Obama's "fix healthcare" mission,

concessions Big Healthcare is dishin'!

Rare industry fearin'

the gov'ment--as nearin'

nep'tistic, slacker competition!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 61 Days to Go...

You know, we don't mind maintaining our MySpace page so much these days.

Now that it's no longer "in" and everybody's wasting their time instead with FaceBook and Twitter.

Don't think the point of social networking sites is to go with the less-than-hippest stuff, but it's nice to not have the bother, relax and watch the e-tumbleweeds blow by...

Now ComCast... Well, the bastards screwed me outta most the third period of the Blackhawks playoff game Saturday and... Oh, why even bother with details? The sky is blue, it's rainy in spring, Comcast is evil... Just assume that anything associated with ComCast constitutes the First Horseman of the Coming E-Apocalypse...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2009:

The Madison Madhouse turned zoo;

Vancouver's sent home to "boo-hoo"!

Blackhawks move up in Cup race--

no more Canucks' GM Place.

(Like namesake, needed "bailout," too!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 60 Days to Go...

Carrie Prejean, representing California in the Miss USA contest, has caused a hubbub in speaking out against gay rights and... Well, guess it "worked." Answers the question: "Are they still actually bothering with that outdated relic, the Miss USA pageant?"...

So rodeo...er, celebrity or whatever Ty Murray is appearing in "Dancing with the 'Stars'" to increase the visibility of the, um, sport of rodeo.

Is anybody else thinkin', "Brokeback Mountain"?...

Paul Everton has invented an app for iPhones, Blackberries, what-have-you that allows you to be updated on how your representatives in Congress are voting.

Lest you start musing on the wonders of technology, however, realize that the top-selling app at the iTunes store is... The Moron Test, a "reverse IQ test"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/13/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Shit-Faced Gourmet

It's time for a "reality" TV show that's actually worth one's time and I have just the premise--"The Shit-Faced Gourmet."

See, I got the idea... Well, let's just say, keep tabs on Sunday Story Time, especially a few months from now... Anyway, you'd have a pathetic drunk as the chief chef at a new, wannabe four-star restaurant (or five-star, if they go that high), let 'em get good and liquored whenever he's on the clock (in-fact, encourage it) and you'd have show teasers on whatever channel ala:

"This week on 'The Shit-Faced Gourmet'... Chef What's-his-Face pukes in the night's curry special and then falls face-first to the floor while serving the mayor, burning himself with a scalding plate of Bananas Foster!"

Hey--it' mark the first "reality" show that I'd actually tune in to...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2009:

Newspapers... Struggle, to say 'least.

But artsy-fart cries never cease

'bout arts cov'rage lost.

When terr'rists accost

will first goal be... Save the Matisse!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 59 Days to Go...

Writer's block.

Let's try a Chicago Sun-Times headline and see if it spurs anything:

"Social Security, Medicate Insolvency Dates Moved Up"

Maybe writer's block is okay for today. There's something to be said for slow news days...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2009:

Miss USA, Cali... What's name?

(Don't matter--she's 'bout out of fame.)

Brought hubbub to pageant--

'least 'wareness stopped saggin'

briefly. It's outdated and lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 58 Days to Go...

Conveniently tying-in to today's Limerick, former Miss USA Shanna Moakler, upset that the pageant didn't ax current Miss USA California Carrie Prejean for her anti-gay-marriage comments, has quit her post as co-executive director of the California ritual.

That makes two 15-minutes-of-fame extensions this week... Three, if you count the pageant itself...

And considering Moakler was the 1995 Miss USA, her fame wasn't just expired; wasn't just covered in mold--but she had to dig it out of the grave for this stunt...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/15/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Daily Limerick's Newest Sub-Feature

First, I thought I'd add a sports section, as I've been writing more about sports lately.

Then, I thought... Well, we have to walk a fine line here between ambition and realism and, as you've probably noticed, we sometimes have trouble filling the contents of the sections we already have.

While we'd like to have more regular, weekly sections, we're also counting on Slapper Yappers Grasshoppers for that, seein' as we all still need to make a living with some of our time (with Daily Limerick not bringing in, er, millions yet). We've got Mike chippin' in with "Accursed Verse" Sundays, but have never replaced that Monday "Health Haiku" deal.

Anyway... Sports isn't the necessarily the greatest weekly idea--but we, of course, touch on more timely sports topics day-to-day, when nuggets call--but it makes the perfect... Well, filler, really. We often have lame-o excuses for topics in this column, so adding sports can only bolster it.

So we're not changing the name of this section, just letting you know that we'll include sports under the "Entertainment" umbrella when practical and... Well, we've killed off another "Entertain Yourself" now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2009:

A patriot, loyal as a beagle,

banged slut--made sure, first, she was legal.

Then asked her one favor

'fore cock she could savor...

Could she present a spread BALD eagle?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 57 Days to Go...

Now, let's say you work with a chick who has a really nice butt, and you get in trouble for fondling it... Can you counter-accuse her of putting the "ass" in "harassment"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2009:

Most of the time, a "slow news day"

brings readers and viewers dismay.

But, recession-wary,

news just grows more scary

so now "slow news days" brings, "Hooray!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 56 Days to Go...

Pfizer is offering free Viagra to regular takers who've been laid-off.

There are all sorts of "stimulus packages," it seems...

The latest "Biggest Loser" was named last week and it's...a tie! Between... Well, more properly AMONG... Everybody still watching that crap...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/17/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Baker's Dozen

In wilder days, I smoked tons of pot.

I support the legalization of marijuana--and not just for the namby-pamby, modern "liberal" cop-out of merely for medicinal reasons. But I don't advocate problem usage of anything, so I don't advocate smoking as much pot as I once did. Although I came out all right, I suppose. Well, maybe that's subjective but... Anyway.

A couple of friends and I were hanging out, partying, wasting time many moons ago and we came up with the Baker's Dozen. Which meant doing 13, three-foot bongs. Not the most interactive of intoxication games, I suppose, but we made a ritual out of it, even sang an inside-joke parody song from (this is embarrassing) Iron Maiden's song, "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son," making it instead, "Seventh Bong of a Baker's Dozen," as a form of baseball's "seventh-inning stretch" for the festivity.

(By the way, I'm not embarrassed over liking Iron Maiden, as a band--but that song, and its album, weren't exactly what I'd call primo Maiden.)

So there's a game for ya', college Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Although we don't wholeheartedly endorse it. Judging from our results, it might make a decent insomnia cure, though...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/17/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Utah at night

 

What does Utah smell like at night?

I drove hundreds of miles through it

one afternoon (it smelled like sun

and rock), but never its desert at night.

 

In Arizona, the desert is

inseparable from the stories

told to break the silence

and create the silence.

 

In L.A., there is no silence.

The city sits in pseudo desert,

pseudo everything.

Huddled down, it seems stolen.

 

Yet its smells are a sort of truce

to remind us we are not bad off:

pepper trees, exhaust, sage, oranges,

the ocean, the oil and dirt trapped

 

in freeway tar that never sees rain.

But what does Utah smell like at night?

A friend who lives there joked,

It smells like bored housewives.

 

(And, I imagine, much more private things,

instances and threads of instances,

from fresh clean fabric and some with spills,

that weave together to form a home.)

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2009:

"Biggest Loser's" winner's imbued, fer

last season, with prize for pounds fewer.

"Who Won?" masses cry!

But it was a tie!

"Biggest Losers"--all who're still viewers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 55 Days to Go...

Breaking News Flash:

We actually just stumbled across a recent newspaper feature wherein a reporter actually uses the "comic" device of following an untrue statement with, "...NOT!"

Perhaps they're getting funding from the Smithsonian or something to keep it alive...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2009:

My birthday! Big deal many make--

pricey gifts, events, chick in cake.

But I'm simple guy--

fine, hot dogs & fries

and, well, of course, cumming a lake!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 54 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

It's my birthday.

Thus, no Slappin' and Yappin' edition today.

You're lucky you got a Limerick...

Happy Extra Cheezy... Chief Limericist's Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2009:

Big Pharma helps jobless... Hmm. Iffy...

Free e.d. drugs to laid-off! Nifty!

Mid-life-crisis fatties

can't score as suge daddies

but can sit 'round broke--with a stiffy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 53 Days to Go...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Yesterday was when, according to ritual, I'd write today's nugget(s).

Yesterday was my birthday.

Connect the dots, sphincter-faces...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/20/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Screw You All!

Yesterday was my birthday.

Which, according to typical protocol, means I would have had to have penned this edition by yesterday.

And yesterday, again, was my birthday.

So, like today's edition title says...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2009:

Maintaining MySpace seems so cloying

but now, with more FaceBook-employing

and MySpace less hip--

cuts "friend" yap and yip--

I now find MySpace less annoying!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 52 Days to Go...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd Admits Presenting Blogger's Words as Her Own in Column on Torture"

Now, there are ethical considerations and all here but... For complaining bloggers, it's kinda like the pot calling the kettle...a pot...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2009:

Ty Murray's, on "Dance with Stars," countin'

to bring rodeo PR fountain.

But... C-List "stars" prancing?

And cowboys... Well, dancing?

It sure brings buzz--like "Brokeback Mountain"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 51 Days to Go...

Chicago Tribune e-mail update headline:

"Comcast Credits Twitter for Improving its Reputation"

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we're about as far as you can get from fundamentalist Christian but... This sounds an awful lot like pre-appearance festivities for the Anti-Christ...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/22/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Do You Know What Day Tuesday Was?

Concerning today's edition title... Well, do you?

It was my birthday this week, bastards.

No edition this week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2009:

The intern knew what boss' sass meant.

Lewd comments--out window his class went!

Her primo butt sued--

for defense, the dude

claimed she put the "ass" in "harassment"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 50 Days to Go...

Watched the classic '70s flick "Blacula" the other night and... Actually, it was the even cheezier sequel, "Scream, Blacula, Scream!" but... Oh. Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I was well up on the slang. "Jive" and "foxy" and all that. And I figured that, if only black slang would stop evolving so quickly, I could sound all hip and urban all the time.

Just, you know, an observation.

Catch ya' on the up-slide, Clydes...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2009:

Fireplace Season's end--bitter pill.

But sadness? Replaced with a thrill!

As warm weather beckons

fire's just moved--I check-in

with good ol' friend--barbecue grill!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 49 Days to Go...

To satisfy politicians' spending addictions, now that lower tax revenues are coming in with the Toilet Bowl Economy... They've looked to the successful "Shame on You--But Keep Doin' it 'Cause We Need the Money" results of taxing Once-Big Tobacco and are now looking (at least in Illinois, but surely elsewhere, too, and we'll quite calling you Shirley) to tax liquor, which might have been predictable, as well as... Candy?

Now, you may have noticed from the countdown ticker we publish EVERY DAY that Daily Limerick is nearing a decade of, er, "service." Over that period, we predicted the eventual taxation of things like candy...but we were only kidding.

So now we're imagining politicians justifying taxing ANYTHING that brings fun and, breaking out in cold sweats, hands shaking, needing future taxpayer fixes...enacting "fun taxes" and taxing things like...smiling.

We're joking. But then again... On second thought, don't forget, in a few years, that it was predicted here first...

There's a new Public Service Announcement campaign with TV commercials telling us that "buzzed driving" is just as bad as "drunk driving."

Therefore, couldn't you also reason that... As long as you're about to get behind the wheel buzzed, why not throw down a few shots and get completely wrecked? After all, there's no difference between buzzed and drunk driving...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/24/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Birthday Story

Well, today's edition is not so much a birthday STORY as... Well, Tuesday was my birthday. And we didn't take off last week so... Sunday Story Time will return next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/24/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: "Fire station"

 

More water on the sputtering blaze.

Kill the heat and light at its source.

And then the work of sweeping up

the muddy ashes, breaking down

the gutted structure, starting again.

 

The smoke is pungent, even worse

than the old, packed rotting leaves

in the sewer, or Chicago in summer

that one time I was there.

This wrecked site marks a passing,

 

but it doesn't feel like a graveyard,

and it doesn't feel like a flower

springing open, leaning forward

to drink the spray from the

fire hoses.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2009:

PSA paid for with pub. cash

aims for that "buzzed driving" to bash.

Says drunk driving game

and it are the same.

So... If buzzed at wheel, just get trashed?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 48 Days to Go...

Considering some of corporate America's "stimulus packages" for laid-off workers--car payments deferred, free e.d. drugs... Should Major League Baseball offer laid-off ballplayers free steroids?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2009:

So, goin' without, trolls can avoid,

Viagra's free--when unemployed.

Next up, MLB's

sev'rance policy

will give laid-off play'rs free steroids!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 47 Days to Go...

Word from the fashion world is that cargo shorts are now "out."

And here we thought that cargo shorts were on the order of tuxedos--never to be "out of style" due to their utilitarian function. In the summer months, what the hell else are you gonna do for pockets?

So a reminder, to keep the sacred, ancient Guy Code functioning properly...although I shouldn't have to say this...or maybe I should, with the Girly-Man-ification of men lately, wearin' sandals, dyin' their hair, drinkin' Chick Soda Pop...er, DIET Soda Pop... etc., etc.:

Just keep ignorin' this curious, alien, pain-in-the-ass thing called "fashion," guys...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2009:

I warned ya' 'bout pols' "fun tax" wiles!

Smokes, booze... Taxing CANDY's new style!

Told ya' so--tax festing!

But thought I was jesting!

Next (dare I say?) they'll tax our...smiles?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 46 Days to Go...

With the current state of newspapers...well, we've been keeping track for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. And we've already pointed-out a day where our regular, hometown daily featured an auto pull-out section of the exact page count of the newspaper itself.

Well, last weekend, we saw a day where the pull-out section contained more pages than the actual newspaper.

(Sigh.)

Okay. We'll stop the morbid fascination now with counting-down the death of what's really, when it boils down to it, the industry that's supposed to be putting bread on OUR tables, too...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/27/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Finish That First Row...

...Of Cookies.

That is, when you buy those cookies that come in the little plastic wrap, the overwrapping bag is usually a bit flimsy, leaving the nearest row of cookies vulnerabile to spoiling and such. So finish that first row on your first cookie-eating sit-down. At the very least.

Like my grandma used to say, "Eat it to save it." Which would've made a better title, and theme, for today's edition, really.

Also good words to live by for relationships...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2009:

Comcast censors wherev'r they can;

monopoly the Master Plan.

Image climbs from shitter

though thanks to damn Twitter--

chief ally? Regressed 'tention span!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 45 Days to Go...

Chicago Sun-Times teaser headline:

"What are the Odds a Dysfunctional Couple Can Weather Reality TV?"

Er... We weren't aware of any NON-dysfunctional couples--or human beings, really--on "reality" TV...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2009:

The latest in fashion reports

say one thing now "out's" cargo shorts.

But, luckily, I'm straight

no need take fashion bait--

need pockets for summer comport!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 44 Days to Go...

Kim Jong Il and Yoko Ono.

Has anybody ever seen the "two" of them in the same room together?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/29/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: My Sports Kazoo

I have a nice, brass kazoo.

At least I THINK it's brass. Looks like brass and is certainly sturdier than those cheap-o plastic ones.

That's because, in my music with Sloop and the Magnificent Musical Nut Wagon (see the Sloop Central part of this site, knuckle-diddlers), I am a virtuoso kazoo player.

So when I'm not using it to crank out the tunes, I often blow it during sports events. For certain points in the game--opening kick-off, hockey power play beginning--and for situations--Bears near the end zone, Blackhawks badly needing a goal. Whether or not this has an effect on the game remains undetermined.

Hell, it has NO effect on the game. But it's not the only tool in my arsenal.

I have the hat that actually looks like a bear's head, for the Bears, and the hockey gloves for Blackhawks games and... I'm stickin' with "undetermined"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2009:

She'd give ev'ry sex act a whirl

but what really made her toes curl

was good anal ream--

though her eyes were green

they still called her the "Brown Eye Girl"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 43 Days to Go...

You know that today IS actually the REAL Memorial Day. (Tune in tomorrow for a real memorial-type thingie for a friend of Daily Limerick.) We just celebrated it last Monday because we need that three-day weekend thing worked in.

So, although this is a holiday to mark war veterans, we're also giving a nod to other important entities that have passed away... Common sense, courtesy, attention spans...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2009:

Take Kim Jong Il, wannabe doom

deliv'rer whose nuke tests go "boom!"

Next take Yoko Ono,

annoyance pro bono--

ever seen them in the same room?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2009:

Daily Limerick has entered our TENTH YEAR and is counting down to a DECADE OF, ER, "SERVICE"! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories, Most Offended Moments, Congrats, Threats... TICKER: 42 Days to Go...

In Memoriam, David Sher... See "Letters to the Idiot" below...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we're raging cynics.

No hope for World Peace, fellow pedestrians not annoying us--and everything in between.

But... Well, it's the little things in life, sometimes. We're cheering on the idea of lasting Peace on Earth, at least temporarily because... Jim Belushi's show is FINALLY going off the air!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/31/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Chunk of Wood to Warm the Hearth

Here I go again, prattlin' on-and-on about my fireplace and how I love making fires in the cooler months.

When the fire season is over--for good, that is, which is not early-mid-April, but often late May or even early June, with those freakish spring dips--I leave a chunk of wood in the fireplace, unburnt, from the last real-wood fire I enjoyed for the season. ("Real-wood" as opposed to one of those Pine Mountain-y deals.) To keep the Spirit of the Hearth, or what-have-you.

This is a new tradition. That is, I just started it this year. And I'll have to be vigilant, as there are the rare fires where everything burns fully, although most of the time a chunk (or more) remains the next morning.

So there. Get all teary-eyed, marvel at my sentimentality, my God what have I become?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/31/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Otherworldly instance

 

Plates in the sink with nothing

to do but be plates. Nothing to hold,

except a little bit of light

on their edges. It's the time

when thoughts shut down, the traffic

outside is its own dream, even lost

faces are dulled by the need for sleep.

 

At that moment, slowed and stirring,

a single balloon appears, bobs near

the ceiling, and pops.

I didn't even catch its color.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/31/2009:

> Hey Sloop.  I came

> across your website while looking for information about my

> father-in-law, David Sher.  It doesn't look like you had heard by the

> last posting about him, and I know it's a little late, but I wanted to

> let you know that David passed away in March of 2007.  That would be

> why you never received any more of his haikus.  Thanks for posting

> them... it's been great fun looking back at what he wrote.

>

> Susie Sher

Well THAT sure makes us feel like heathens, being all irreverent recently about not receiving more haiku from David.

David contacted the site in April of 2005, offered to contribute a weekly feature in that May, his SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION debuted.

He sent a slew of haiku for use in the section ahead of time, updating us with more once until... In July of 2007, we ran the last of them but never heard back from him.

We encourage you to tiptoe through our Archives and read some of David's Haiku--they were amusing and just right for the site. Mondays have been all the more lonely ever since and there were Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers checking in, asking that the feature continue after that final edition.

We never met David face-to-face. Never knew more about him than his haiku would relate. But he was a friend of Daily Limerick, a brilliant writer and... Well, this is all getting to sappy for Daily Limerick.

If you do go back and read some of David's stuff, you'll see that HE was irreverent, too, and would thus likely forgive our own irreverence.

So do your part to honor a late contributor to Daily Limerick--and the best way we can imagine to do that is to read his haiku here. And speaking of irreverence... David, wherever you may be... Thank! And I guess we'll accept your "excuse" for ending the haiku stint...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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