Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2009:

Joe Lieberman skews right's direction!

Seems "lib'rals" suffer mis-reflection

when now, he's right there,

to fight pub health care--

it's Joe who "stole" Al Gore's election!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2009:

The movie "An Education" has received a PG-13 rating NOT because it portrays an underage girl having a sexual relationship with an adult male, but because it portrays...smoking.

This is where we're supposed to pen some witty crack but... Well, sometimes we feel a bit like Don Quixote in tilting our lance at the world's ridiculosities...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/1/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Last Year's Exciting Halloween

Although I've occasionally made one of the music/variety shows I emcee in October into a Halloween thing--putting on a costume to supplement the performance--I've gotta admit that Ween is usually one of those things where I tell myself I'm gonna do it up, but end up letting it pass without fanfare.

Last year was gonna be different, especially considering that my new (at the time) Lady is especially into the holiday. I decided on dressing up as a pirate--yeah, not super original, but something I wanted to play. I had some ragged, self-made cutoff shorts, bought a cheap bandana and pirate set (with saber, eye patch, etc.) and showed up at M'Lady's on Ween proper ready to hit a party.

We had sex, did the typical post-sex cuddle, got hungry and...never made the party. Although the costume were utilized somewhat for... Ahem. Oh, and I rode the bus as a pirate.

So you can share in my Missed the Holiday Oops, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Although I don't fully feel I missed out...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/1/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The most sensible thing

 

Our soft assurances stopped.

We both realized there was nothing

left to assure each other about.

 

"Nothing will change" went down

the tubes. Followed quickly by

"I will always love you,"

 

and "You never have to be afraid

of me leaving you." That is no

longer a fear. It's the most

 

sensible thing, getting away.

It allows us to live in truth,

to stop constructing brick

 

after brick of pure bullshit.

A home is not a home when it

softens in the sun.

 

We can snap all the idle phrases

we shared, with desperate conviction,

like cord wood against our knees.

 

Toss the pieces in the fire

to fuel the heat in this room;

feed it our splinters.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2009:

"An Education" flick is stoking

PG-13 rating for...smoking?

Want-to-rebel teens

"helped" in choice between

a cig...or a good jailbait poking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2009:

Is it wrong to wanna do the livin' shit outta Kate Gosselin?

Oh, the others in the office demand that I specify... Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Oh, and Kate? DON'T change the hair at all. Really, it's part of the attraction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chief Limericist, by himself, checked-in here.

Ahem...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2009:

At point where I just may see fit

to Facebook and Twitter and shit.

Dark road being paved;

Shakespeare rolls in grave

o'er scribes', "To Twit...or not to Twit"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times financial "expert" Terry Savage's headline:

"People are Getting Tired of Hearing the Recession's Over"

Gather 'round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you of a time when the "news" actually meant... Well, bringing you items that were actually "new" to you, hence, well, the very name "news"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2009:

Those financial "experts" sure blew

predicting mess that leaves us screwed.

My debt grows--a big pit--

so clam with your bullshit-

ass claims that Recession is through!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2009:

After decades of being perceived as perhaps the most boring sport imaginable--a correct perception that has not changed--here's a sure sign that professional golf is fully entering the mainstream...

The PGA's Doug Barron has earned the sport's first positive drug test--and he's a chub, to boot!...

What does it say about popular culture when one of the most predictably effective marketing campaigns entails...is to slapping a "...For Dummmies" label on something?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/4/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Tips for Foreign Eatin'

Ended up unexpectedly dining at a Korean restaurant recently. I was emceeing a show that night and, although I usually just eat a pizza at home, I was told I'd be getting a free meal...which fell through. So I was in a Korean neighborhood and took the opportunity to dine at one, being, you know, starving and all.

I thought I'd try a new dish, being a bit green about Korean food and... Made a bad choice.

Well, not a "bad" choice, per se, but a less than ideal one. Ended up with a spicy, veggie-laden, noodle dish, as I'd sought...but it was COLD. Which kinda spoiled one of my rare forays into eating out. (Always tryin' to save a buck, as I don't have many bucks for the savin' lately.)

So I thought I'd make the best of a bad situation and offer you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers some tips on eatin' foreign foods, especially when the server(s) is foreign, too, and not so up on English.

But, really, the best advice I can think of, despite originally thinking I'd make a big list/production out of this, is to ask questions.

What's spicy? (Or non-spicy, if that's your thing.) What's in the dish? (And/or specify if you're seeking vegetables, beef, noodles, rice, etc.--and what you're NOT seeking, too.)

Oh, I suppose it's common sense. If you've had a dish you like before, but are in the mood for something different, you could try asking for something similar but different. Try to think of every option you might want covered, regardless of whether it's normally an issue with "American" food or whatever. (There ain't a lot of cold, American dinners, for example.)

And so you don't get thrown for the same loop I was, indicate your preference for a hot or cold dish, or risk feeling like you wasted an opportunity (which comes with the need to try that foreign cuisine again--and soon)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2009:

Once just watched by bored unemployed

golf's big now! (Though I still avoid.)

But now--the big sign

that it's hit big time...

First golfer busted for steroids!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2009:

Just learned that MTV, the 20-something dumber-downer formerly known as "Music Television," is now showing episodes of "South Park."

In the early days of television, viewers only had two or three channels-worth of programming to choose from.

Today, basic cable brings us 50+ channels with...five or six channels-worth of programming.

Which is progress...sorta...kinda...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2009:

When new, cable brought us elation--

with viewer choice, seemed saturation!

Unlike long ago?

Remote surf... Ain't so--

most reshow fare from other stations!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2009:

A $2 million contest is underway at Edwards Air Force Base, Calif., to build an elevator to space.

Since they're taking THAT seriously, perhaps it's time for us to get back to our spaceship to Mars... But where is it? Put that cardboard box SOMEWHERE back when we were 12...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/6/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Capehart

Now, Capehart's a rockin' band, cool guys, all the typical things the Worst Music Critic on the Planet here usually looks for in his Friday picks... But we're only commending them for one thing today:

They cover a Rick Astely song. The "Never Gonna Give You Up" one.

I'm not sure why that's a good thing, to be honest. Something about Rick is just... Kitschy, doofusy cool, with his cheezy career fermenting a couple decades now. And you don't hear much about Rick, although a Capehart member informed me he was involved with...some sort of New York parade or something, recently?

Anyway, Capehart does a delightful, punky version of the tune. One of the few (only?) live music avenues to keep Astely culturally alive these days.

I will warn you, though, that when I tried to "friend" the dudes on MySpace, I was informed that I'd need a Twitter account. And I'm resisting the hell out of Twitter and all the Twits it indulges.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2009:

Most men date around, looking for

to marry, one day, "Girl Next Door."

That's fine and okay

but then who's to say

the Girl Next Door ain't a big whore?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2009:

So Hillary Clinton is on the cover of Time, paving the way for a new generation to masturbate to her image.

We mean...er, I mean (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) that lots of young boys have masturbated to the image or thought of Hillary Clinton.

Right?

I mean, especially when she was First Lady and it seemed so naughty and all.

Right?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2009:

Pop culture, toward brain-dead, is humming!

To those who say, "It ain't THAT crummy!"

Will you please explain

marketing campaigns

that can't miss, dubbing things, "...For Dummies"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2009:

So Oprah Winfrey is seriously considering leaving Chicago with her housewife-rage-inducing productions and going to Los Angeles.

And we're every bit as sad about the possibility as we are about Chicago losing out on the 2016 Olympics of taxpayer-screwin'...

Apparently, whenever the New York Yankees win a World Series, Wall Street enjoys a surge.

And the rest of us? Well, it's not so much "trickling down" as feeling pissed-on...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/8/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Halloween Season is Not Over...

Why? Because we have a Friday the 13th coming this next Friday, which officially means that Halloween Season continues through then. (Taking liberties, of course, with the term "official" here.)

This would've made more sense to mention for Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section, but I missed the boat in noticing the Friday the Thirteenth thing. Of course, next Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section would be appropriate, but that doesn't leave you bastards any time to prepare, so... What the hell? I'll do an easy knock-off and mention it again Friday, too, while I'm at it.

So don't pack away those costumes just yet, keep the scary movies rolling and take advantage of the Halloween candy mark-downs. This'll give M'Lady and I time to actually carve those pumpkins we picked-up, too...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/8/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: When is now

 

Who knew in those lost years

when we were in love,

when we eradicated ourselves

fully to the pleasure of

forgetting, something

whole and true would remain?

 

In the form of a beautiful woman

singing and bashing out chords

about her life, stuff that found

popularity in Canada but never

made it here. We listened to it in

your bedroom(s). A force of healing

 

among the mess of our decisions.

Our frustrations and simmering doubts

collapsed into a soft glimmering light

and rhythmic sway. Her voice filled

the room, and so did yours,

singing the words to me.

 

I can almost feel the phone at my ear,

your voice poking out of the receiver.

Even in memories, it's not entirely

successful, and too edgy. But I wonder

what you would say about these new songs

from someone who was around

 

when we were around.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2009:

I'd sure like to take that Kate Gosselin

and give her a good Tantric josselin'!

And though some pooh-pooh

her wacky hairdo

I think it's just right for a tosselin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2009:

MTV, in sponsoring a Brandenburg, German concert by U2, erected a wall around the festivities.

There's a metaphor about MTV's overall effects on the music industry hidden in this one somewhere...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2009:

Yankees series win brings strange twist on

stock markets--the Dow sees its list on!

How Wall Street goes down--

don't feel trickling down!

Instead, most of us just feel pissed-on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2009:

So former Chicago Cubs steroid champ Sammy Sosa has a new look... Sporting rather light skin.

Just keep an eye on him when around kids for all the Steroid Convention autograph sessions...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2009:

MTV, for concert, had gall

in Germany to raise a wall!

Proves metaphor, apt--

how MTV slapped

an art to match mold of a mall!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2009:

Happy (or should we say humbly thankful) Veteran's Day...

It's conspiracy theory time:

Now, take a look and tell me that Arsenio Hall has NOT been replaced by a ventriloquist dummy...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/11/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Joy Sucks

That's right. The dishwashing detergent.

Recently bought some for my dish-washing needs--had a coupon or it was on sale or whatever. Discovered that you need to use more of it to get the same lather as other brands. And the Joy I bought is allegedly "ultra concentrated," to boot--you're supposed to need LESS than with the "regular" Joy which, well, if that's true, you need a half freakin' bottle of the regular stuff to soap up a sponge good and well.

Hate to rip into a brand like this, but what can you do? Maybe it's still a bargain for the true penny-pincher, but I have my doubts. So, sorry to report, Joy blows, kinda like this chick I once hit-up on, or hit-up around anyway, who was named Joy...and actually, DIDN'T blow, which was the problem and... That's a story for another day, or probably a story not worth another day, so there you go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2009:

After Chi-Town blew 'Lympic Games

Oprah plans scram for L.A. fame.

Some feel that's a blow!

To both I say, "Go!"--

good riddance to Olympic Lames!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2009:

There's actually a real college league playing the game "Quidditch," from the Harry Potter books. Only, of course, wish as they might, the players can't fly around on broomsticks.

Finally! Something to make our D&D playing days appear not so dorky!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2009:

Thanks, new sport in college athletics

from Harry Potter! Copacetic

that some now scratch geek itch

by playing "real" Quidditch--

D&D days seems less pathetic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2009:

We were reading a piece the other day on how anti-social networking sites are allegedly good for business and started wondering... Who in the hell actually "friends" (or Twits, or whatever) a freakin' business?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/13/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Friday the Thirteenth Means...It's Still Halloween Season!

...At least through tonight. Let's not get too silly about it... There are still leaves on the ground. Sun's goin' down earlier, improving moods among the undead. And pumpkins are still appropriate--hell, the pumpkin pie train keeps rollin' through Christmas, anyway.

This is a truly rare affair. This is the closest, of course, a Friday the Thirteenth can follow Halloween, so this is a rare confluence of circumstances to celebrate. Perhaps you can summon a spirit. Just make sure it isn't the shammy-shilling, infomercial dude...

Boo!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2009:

A slut who was unduly prone-y

to bodily noises met Tony

and spread for his noodle

but, as he did doodle,

she cooked noodle to "Queef-a-Roni"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2009:

There are now actually college courses in "Internet dating."

We imagine the prerequisite would be "Forest Preserve Survival Skills"...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2009:

Lonely Age sees class's arrival--

"'Net Dating." Pathetic? Unrivaled!

(Sigh.) Meeting high-tech's now hip.

'Least have prerequisite

class--"Forest Preserve Survival"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2009:

Texas moron Trista Joy Lathern faked breast cancer, going so far as to even shave her head to affect that chemotherapy look, and held a fundraiser to buy herself fake breasts.

Oh, but it was for a good cause. "Saving her marriage."

This story is just too troubling, on too many levels, for us to even touch with our Wit Finger...

Following the logic that has guided mankind since the dawn of time, the efforts of the Big Mother movement have driven folks to the lowest adult-smoking percentage possible--and the numbers have risen slightly, to lower slightly in the near future, to rise slightly again...and so on, until the end of time.

This has the panties of folks like Vince Willmore, spokesman for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, in a bunch, as he perhaps seeks the elimination of smoking and thus might as well fight to end the human urge toward jealousy.

Our question is... Why is a dude from the Campaign for Tobacco-Free KIDS so irked over ADULT smoking?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/15/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Pet Brady Bunch

M'Lady and I almost moved-in together this Oct. 1. Long story--suffice it to say that she's used to living on the cheap, I need extra dough to pay the mortgage in this condo I was "stuck" with when my higher-earning ex-wife and I divorced and... Well, M'Lady ended up moving next door. We're shooting for actually living together in another year or so.

Anyhow, she has two dogs, I have two cats. Neither the dogs nor the cats are used to being around the other species.

So I had a vision of us being like... Well, the Pet Brady Bunch.

The roles are pretty clear. The older cat would be... Hmm. Alice the maid would...well, nobody for that role. Sam the Butcher... Hmmm. The big, two-part Hawaii episode would be... Okay, let's just leave it at the Pet Brady Bunch, with the rest to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers' imaginations...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/15/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Travel morning

 

Nothing fits the mood.

The sun off the hotel across

the street. Invisible hands

gathering water in their palms,

the windows out the window

pool the light in a smear of color,

subtle flashes of other colors

 

that only exist at this hour.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/15/2009:

> "queef", one of the funniest sounds next to a fart.

>

> MONTE

> monteism.com * flickr.com/monteism/ * http://monteism.blogspot.com/

See? Write us a letter and you, too, can get a little link-plug. Ya' lackadaisical munch-pumps.

Seriously. Between the irreverence and humor...or, okay, the "humor," we dwell in serious topics, political and otherwise, every day here at Daily Limerick. So you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should be like Monte and chime in.

Sure, it took a queef reference in Saturday's Limerick to stoke participation in the Grand Public Discourse in this case but, hey, we'll take what we can get...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2009:

Old story, this cult'ral disaster--

retail brings Christmas faster, faster...

Stock less...then push "buy early!"

Blame Big R? Gall! Surely

time--boycott Santa-rape bastards!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2009:

Although we're big pro-space exploration folks here at DL, even we thought it a bit loopy to expect much water on the moon. But it turns out that NASA's "crash spaceships into moon to see if water comes up" ploy actually brought 25 gallons to the surface.

So not only might the moon be hospitable to life--but it's actually much more so than, say, Southern California!...

Okay, media folks, can you please stop referring to e-books as the "future of publishing" when, well, you can't improve upon a book for readability--and nobody is buying any of those lame e-readers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2009:

To check moon for water, was test.

Found 25 gallons, no less!

Scared-up when NASA crashed full-

on crafts. Hospitable

to life? More than the Southwest!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2009:

Honorary Oscars have been presented to three film veterans, way ahead of time...and off-camera.

Hollywood types, including presenters like Warren Beatty, are applauding the idea, which ensures that "nobody's worrying whether 36.5 million people are watching us or 29.2."

Here, here! Now just do the same with the zillion other categories, not to mention the Golden Gloats and the slush pile of other celebrity masturbation fests...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2009:

E-readers get curious looks

bought by gadget-addicted schnooks.

Decade--sales can't groove on

'cause book? Can't improve on!

Hacks? Stop say'n' they're "future of books"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2009:

Headline this week from http://www.truthout.org:

"Global Warming Threatens Lake Titicaca, Imperils Millions of Bolivians"

This is a dire situation...he hee, "Titi"...that, ahem, begs addressing immediately and... Ha ha! Caca!... Aw, screw it...

C'mon! It has both "Titi" AND "caca" IN IT! If it had just one, we could control ourselves but... Bwaaahhhh haw haw!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/18/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bad Milk Alert!

I'm a big milk drinker.

Well, I guess that depends on how you define, "big." I'm certainly a regular milk drinker--have a glass with dinner, every night, at least when I'm eating at home.

So, unlike some, I buy milk by the gallon, because it stays good until I finish it. Or at least it SHOULD. For my entire adult, milk-buying (not milk-mooching) life, I've bought a gallon of milk, making sure the expiration date wasn't too close, and saw that milk remain good for at least a week after that date. (More of a "sell by" date, practically speaking.)

Until recently.

Oh, I always encountered a rare fluke here and there--milk that went bad before it was supposed to. (You know by the smell, all dates aside.) Perhaps milk that had its "sell by" date jimmied with, perhaps a bad cow or mix-up at the bottling plant. But lately, I've noticed an epidemic of bad milk.

Sometimes it happens at the 7-11. (And it didn't happen so much before it become a 7-11, when the company bought-out White Hen Pantry here in the Midwest.) And, I've been keeping track, it almost ALWAYS happens when I buy milk at CVS. Which sucks rather intensely, considering they've often had the cheapest milk prices in the area.

Walgreens, if you're lucky to have them in your area? Seems to be solid in their milk-dating.

I have a hard time believing that this is a mere fluke. You know, more bad cows, more mislabelings at the bottling plants. (Although with the economy and downsizing...maybe.) I think that shysters like CVS are obtaining questionable dairy on the cheap or something.

So be careful when purchasing your milk, ya' creamy bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2009:

Some Oscars--awarded off-air!

Not masturb'tory TV fare!

Other categories,

Globes--let's see same story!

Awards still plague--but gettin' there...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2009:

So Obama's speech in China, which, semi-chastised the government for censorship...was itself censored in China.

In case any readers out there are studying "irony"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2009:

Add to global warming list shocka's--

temps now threaten Lake Titicaca!

The news is quite dire

but, while I feel ire...

With "Titi-" and "-caca"... Hoo, ha ha!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2009:

So Sarah Palin claims she was only "dimly aware" of the popularity of Tina Fey's impersonations of her on "SNL."

Likely presidential candidate. Finger not exactly on the pulse of American culture. Perhaps the finger's scratching the cultural taint?

In any event, kudos, Sarah, for using the word, "dimly"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/20/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Third in Coming (http://www.3IC.com)

Another band that rocks, although I--Worst Music Critic on the Planet checking in--won't even bother with hopelessly explaining how, indeed, they rock.

I will say that they're not only jammin', but that real emotion tugs at you from their silver tones. I dare say that at times, their melodies sounded downright Floydy (as in Pink). And they're cool guys. Especially the keyboardist, who's allegedly known for a large, er...appendage. (He found me funny, so I've gotta say that.)

The only negative I can cite about Third in Coming is that, due to some glitch, I was unable to "friend" them on MySpace.

Hmmm.

Actually, strike that--I can't think of a negative concerning Third in Coming...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2009:

A horny young sailor named Davey,

on Thanksgiving leave from the Navy,

found fam'ly feast pleasant fit

but craved an intimate

feast--girlfriend, drumstick--with gravy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2009:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here...

I'd sure like Carrie Under- MY -wood...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2009:

Pop culture and "Idol"?... Not good.

But, so I'm not misunderstood...

Her music? Ain't heard it!

But I've reached THIS verdict--

I'd like Carrie Under- my -wood!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2009:

If tax credits are supposed to save our economy, well... Question:

Is it really such a boon to get a cut in income taxes when you don't have tangible income to begin with?...

Chicago Sun-Times (Wednesday) headline:

"[Chris] Brown Attracts Scores of Women Despite Rihanna Beating"

DESPITE?

Hey, we'll know Chris Brown has become the nice, sensitive guy he claims--thanks, of course, to those ever useful "anger management" classes, which aren't at all a big scam to provide corporations and such a scapegoat while feeding Big Therapy--when he STOPS attracting women.

Sorry ladies. Just tellin' it like it is. Don't shoot the messenger--unless it's strategically and with whipped cream...

Speaking of famous nutrods, Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's illegitimate granddaughter, reportedly appears nude in the latest Playgirl...with a strategically placed hockey stick.

We're not impressed. Unless it's a goalie stick...

Life yet again proves itself to be the greatest comedian around:

Read about Badri Hassan, a taxi driver arrested for exposing himself to a fare.

His company? Get this--Flash Cab!...

We keep seseing all these ads seeking "Pro Bono" work.

Not sure why it's relevant, but it must be tough finding anybody whose not sick of that smug, self-important bastard...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/22/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Learning That I'm Providing an Important Public Service

Wow. Today's title sure sounds touching and all, don't it?

Okay, let's wreck that assumption with the actual tale... I, as Chief Limericist, not to mention Head Writer among all the...er, staff at Daily Limerick, have been at this for over a decade now. And while the hits to the site keep increasing, I've been mentioned in various mainstream media and I hear from people regularly about something or other appearing on DL... Well, let's just say I'm not exactly rich off the endeavor.

Recently, somebody informed me, after referencing my Limerick on the topic, that they didn't know that Rush Limbaugh was trying to buy-in to a National Football League team.

No biggie, right? Except that it means he learned of the story through Daily Limerick--hence, Daily Limerick is now an official News Source!

Now, some might argue that it says more about our populace--getting their news from questionable sources. Which is hooey, I tell you!

Although there is a reason that I'm not identifying the Slapper Yapper Grasshopper in question...

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MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/22/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: So different

 

Excuse me, I couldn't

help but notice, while

you were selecting

a container of blueberries --

perhaps for a future break-

fast -- how different you are.

 

I hope you don't mind

me coming up to you,

while you wait in line

at the checkout with

your groceries. It's just,

you are so different,

 

and I love people who

are different. Hee hee,

I bet when you're done here

you're going to get in your

car and drive home,

while listening to the radio,

 

maybe even singing along!

And then I'm guessing

you'll put your groceries

away and do something else.

I can't even imagine it.

You are so fascinating.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2009:

Levi Johnston's trying THAT trick--

noted schlub, to Hollywood shtick.

Playgirl spread covers wood

with hockey stick...well, good--

not impressed 'less it's GOALIE stick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2009:

Researchers last week announced the results of a mid America Heart Institute study finding heart disease in...3,500-year-old mummies.

Very practical for our everyday lives, these studies. I (Chief Limericist, checked-in here) for one, am gonna stop feeding fried chicken and stuff to all my undead friends...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2009:

Main tool of alleged "stimulus"

is mantra, "In tax cuts we trust."

But for those hard hit

tax cuts don't do shit--

we've no real "income" to adjust!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2009:

A Canadian woman on sick leave due to major depression has been denied medical insurance benefits...because her insurer saw photos of her "having fun" on Facebook.

As we continue to monitor the myriad ways in which our lives our improved by anti-social networking sites...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2009:

So heart disease research has led

to find--it in ancient times bred.

Signs in mummies--leading

me to, from now, feeding

more healthy fare to friends undead!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2009:

A 12-year-old boy in Southern California assaulted another boy who happened to be a redhead, aka a "ginger," on Nov. 20, motivated by a Facebook message proclaiming the day, "Kick a Ginger Day."

Hmmm... Redheaads... But we digress. Then again, digressing gives us an idea--

Daily Limerick is willing to lend a hand, in the name of tolerance and all that jazz, by proclaiming today... "Boink a Redhead Day"!...

As we continue to monitor the myriad ways in which our lives our improved by anti-social networking sites...

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SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/25/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Thanksgiving Eve...

...So you shouldn't require any guidance to "Eat It!"

Unless you're non-American or something, in which case... Well, ACT American for the day. Just, you know, WAY overeat...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2009:

Tough lives--oft pined for food, white-knuckled.

But, at Pilgrims, many do chuckle.

But know, First Thanksgiving?

Indulged zest for living--

especially from 'neath those buckles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2009:

It's Thanksgiving!

Yeah, we're daily, but that don't mean we have to do much.

Enjoy the witty "news" nugget--and eat up!...

Oh, and Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving to one and all! (With the possible exception of Joe Lieberman!)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2009:

Start NOW--not before, no, tut tut!

Christmas Season, folks--that's what's what!

Ya' catch early "cheer"?

Retail folks, next year?

Kick those bastards right in the nuts!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2009:

Hey! Ya' mealy-mouthed bastards! (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

My Safe Auto jingle rendition is in a contest whereby I can win an ad contract and/or decent money for a change!

Vote for me, or at least check out my delightful take on the tune, at http://dothejingle.safeauto.com/SeeTheJingles.aspx?vid=91!...

And, yes, for the day after Thanksgiving, that qualifies as our "news nugget" for the day...

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SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/27/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Christmas Season Has Started...

NOW. As in, TODAY. You know, after Thanksgiving? (Retailer/advertiser ass bastards.)

Feel free to celebrate now! And if you've already started... Get it right next year, taint face...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2009:

There once was a fella named Devin

whose chick worked at 7-11.

At night, 'hind the scenes,

played "Slurpee Machine,"

which brought him a small slice of heaven.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2009:

"Celebrity" chef Paula Deen was recently hit in the face by a flying ham.

We have nothing to add. Just find it terribly amusing...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2009:

"Celebrity"--term's been debased!

"Star" chefs pile up... It's a disgrace!

So I smiled full-sheen

when lame Paula Deen

took a flying ham to the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2009:

Have you noticed that, now, even the newspapers' barrage of Black Friday ads can't wait 'til the freakin' day after Thanksgiving?...

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/29/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Been a While...

Since we've taken a vacation from one of our regular, special weekly features.

So... Well, we've officially entered the Christmas Season, so this is as good an excuse as any.

See, we've been better about planning ahead, managing our time, etc.

So... For old time's sake...

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MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/29/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Her way is no way today

 

Her songs are like tears

on a blade, sharp and forlorn.

I'm waiting for her sensual

curl of a voice to celebrate

life again, to remember there

is beauty. I want to hold her,

kiss her, protect her (remind her).

But the album ends.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2009:

Cheap'ning Christmas just grows more mad--

push earlier kick to taste's 'nads!

Retail's manic laughter

now can't wait day after

Thanksgiving for barrage of ads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2009:

Some bars in Chicago, having fallen prey since 2008 to the tendrils of mighty Secondhand Science, are now allowing patrons to smoke on-premise, as long as they contribute money toward paying the fines assessed the bars for allowing smoking.

For some reason, in picturing the Big Mother activists' reaction to this, I am reminded of the look on my father's face while, during a particularly heavy summer infestation, swatting flies...outdoors...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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