Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2009:

Whenever some spree-killin' rat's

caught his family goes to bat,

says, "Hey, he's no monster!"

But with what he's done, sirs

and madams--we'll be judge of THAT!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Recession Has Chilling Effect on U.S. Halloween Spending"

Since we've entered October, it's okay for us to focus on these things.

But the story came out Sept. 29. Guess if we can't wait for freakin' Labor Day to talk Christmas... Ahem.

Anyway, that's not the major problem here. The problem is... Well, HALLOWEEN spending? Significant enough that it alters the national economy?

Paging Charlie Brown. Paging Charlie Brown...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2009:

From Chi-Town, to folks who'll give nod

to city where 'Lympics will trod

for Summer '16

I pray that you'll deem...

it Rio, for the love of God!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2009:

Ahh! How we love fall! A little nip in the air but not too cold, Halloween coming up, Holiday Season soon after that... Warm during the day, delightful and colorful leaves forming life's backdrop, wee bit of chill to facilitate good night sleeping and snuggling up after a day's work... Delightful!

Despite all the wars and diseases and environmental havoc, we suddenly feel hopeful and... Hmm. What's this Chicago Sun-Times headline?--

"'First Clown in Space' Not Goofing About Water Shortage"

First Clown in Space.

Well, there once WAS great hope for the Human Race, anyway...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/2/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Man of La Monchhichi"

Hee hee.

That'd be an amusing musical, no?

Okay, amusing to think about, if not see full-blown.

It IS a musical, isn't it? "Man of La Mancha"? Amusing THEATRICAL OFFERING, in any event.

Remember those lame Monchhichi dolls? Little bears or something? I guess they're making a comeback. But then nostalgia-addled Gen X brings EVERYTHING back.

How about "Man of la Macho"? About a guy who... Ahem.

Did I mention... Hee hee.

See, THAT'S how you Entertain Yourself, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2009:

Case is far from open-and-shut.

There's pickle plant worker and slut...

On site, lust and booze...

He woke, lacking clues

's'to how pickle lodged in his butt.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2009:

Okay, we keep trying our hardest to avoid the easy target that is Craig's List help-wanted ads, a veritable episode of, "Is Your Grammar Better That a Fifth-Grader's"... But how can we, with stuff like this?--

"Contract Errand Analizer,Assistant Needed"

Just curious, can you expense the lube when you're an "analizer"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2009:

If tree falls in forest and there

are ears to hear, but they wear pair

of iPod buds and

tree on that schmuck lands

the question's, "Would anyone care?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2009:

Is it permissible to imagine, just for a moment, if... Well.

Friday, the International Olympic Committee elected the host city for the 2016 Summer Olympics.

Daily Limerick's Limerick that day urged the IOC to plague some city other than Chicago with the "award."

And... Well, they picked Rio. So... Hmmm.

As long as we're at it, is it also okay for us to imagine Daily Limerick as an ultra-powerful voice in the world and... We suppose not...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/4/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creeper

With the Halloween Season upon us, I am reminded of The Creeper.

I don't remember much about him. Many moons ago, when your favorite Chief Limericist was a schoolboy, a shaver, a mere pup, I recall watching a TV show or movie or whatever wherein the villain was The Creeper.

Other than, you know, creeping, I'm not sure how he went about his villainy. I THINK he strangled people. Anyhow, I recall watching with a few friends, making fun of the alleged scariness while being, in all honesty, a bit scared inside.

Now, recently, I saw an episode of "The Alfred Hitchcock Show" wherein there was a villain named "The Creeper" who went about strangling loose women. But... Well, I'm not sure if that was the same Creeper I'd learned to know and fear.

On one hand, his identity was a mystery and he terrorized a town through random stranglings--which would fit the bill of my long lost Creeper.

On the other... I thought the Creeper of my youth ("Creeper of my youth"--now there's a phrase ripe for...something) had a big, smushed nose, but when the villain's identity was revealed in the "Hitchcock"...he had a normal nose.

So, in any event, be on the lookout for The Creeper, either on TV or...AT YOUR DOOR!... This 'Ween Season...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/4/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Untitled, but known

 

I'm wearing denial like a cloak

with holes and no pockets.

Do you like the pockets?

 

I'm not afraid of the unknown

and the things I do know.

Why are you creeping closer?

 

I am perfectly in control

of my life and its direction.

Okay, okay, I get it, ha ha,

 

you can put away

that wobbling gyroscope now.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2009:

Olympics in Chi-Town? Did dread!

So with Lim'rick say'n' so, I led

the pick day's edition.

D'they read us? I'm wishin'--

but power'd go to BOTH my heads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2009:

This just in... Megan Fox is not THAT hot.

Oh, sure, we wouldn't kick her out of our beds for eatin' cookies, as the saying goes--hell, we'd let her partake of barbecue ribs in bed--but after hearing/reading so much hubbub over her alleged pulchritude, and even after tuning-in for the "SNL" season premier she hosted... Well, she's not THAT hot.

More news as it's available. Keep tuned to Daily Limerick as your source for the latest in hot chick news...

Oh, and although Megan herself declared the coverage outrageous, we find her current toenail-paint color highly newsworthy.

Keep tuned to Daily Limerick as your source of the latest in hot chick toenail-paint news...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2009:

At media, some moan and yell,

"Meg Fox? Toenail color? Don't gel

with 'real news'--so nix!"

But I say hot chicks'

toenails are newsworthy as hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2009:

"Let's Make a Deal" is coming back to TV, this time hosted by Wayne Brady and... Okay.

Out with it.

'Fess up.

Who are these people who actually like Wayne Brady? Who actually don't feel nauseous upon a mere glimpse of that beyond-toothy grin?

C'mon. We know you're out there. There's SOME reason he keeps popping-up on TV.

Is some evil focus group behind this?

We demand an explanation!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2009:

It's Salisbury Steak Day--make oodles

of food--the whole kit and kaboodle!

Rolls, beans, milk, "South Park"!

Let loose after dark--

find someone to butter your noodles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"It's Not That Funny, Guys: Ogling of ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews Invites Wackos to Cross the Line"

Ogling?

We can, of course, see the problem with a guy videotaping through a peephole and all but... Ogling?

OGLING?

Let's sue Mother Nature while we're at it...

Oh, and, by the way, it IS kinda funny, that creepo going so far for a peek... Yeah, she shouldn't have been subject to that, but she has fame and fortune and... Ha ha, ho ho...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/7/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's National Salisbury Steak Day!

...And since we knock-off an "Eat It!" section with this annually, what more can we say?

We recommend that you enjoy 'em with buttered noodles and the season premier of "South Park."

From all of us, to all of you, a very Merry National Salisbury Steak Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2009:

Trains are great, environment'ly,

but they cry, "Broke!" perpetu'lly.

Tax help? That's just fine--

but first, 'round fall time,

try killing the freakin' AC!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2009:

Chowderhead researchers are working on/testing a vaccine to combat addictions that works by blocking the "high" effects, so that addicts don't actually FEEL the normal effects when using say...cocaine or nicotine.

So... What if an addict choose not to TAKE this "groundbreaking" drug?

Ahh, willpower. It's just SOOOO last century...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2009:

I try to keep hope for our race

but headline put that goal in place--

though story parlayed

he's Cirque du Soleil...

Doom's knocking with, "First Clown in Space"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2009:

I'm not a huge TV watcher--Chief Limericist checking in, here--but I tend toward watching old TV, using primarily three or four stations of the 100 or however many my cable package allows.

Why? Many factors. For one, shows that have stood the test of time have generally done so for good reason. Two, concerning modern shows... Well, "reality" TV.

Think that's enough reasons for now.

Anyway, many enjoy the escape to a simpler world brought by old TV shows. I've often pooh-poohed that philosophy, knowing that such shows often portrayed a sanitized version of the times... But an "Andy Griffith Show" the other day made me see the light.

A record producer came to town. He ending up shilling stock options for his enterprise and everybody bought in--except for Andy, who saw him as a scam artist.

In the end, however, the guy brought profits back to the citizens of Mayberry.

Thus the record company exec was a good guy.

Ahh, the Good Old Days. Now, I'd settle for record execs at least returning to being human beings...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/9/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Running's Just as Cool as Making a Pass

We're talking about football for today's edition. American football, for any non-American readers. Although... Well, that's a topic for another day.

Anyway, a little background... I'm a Chicago Bears fan. Practically a lifelong Chicago (and/or Chicago area) resident--and the Daily Limerick, um, Towers are located here, to boot. This summer, the Bears signed Pro Bowl (all-star) quarterback Jay Cutler to the team and, since the Bears have a long history of questionable QBs (to understate), this was a HUGE deal.

As football was underway this year, starting with August pre-season games, the talk was all about Cutler, of course, but also about maintaining traditional Bears strengths even as we finally have a legitimate passing game.

See, the Bears have long been considered primarily a running team.

Among this dialogue, I've read numerous references to the idea that a passing game is exciting, whereas a running game is just...necessary, I guess?

Pfft.

Watching the great Walter Payton carry the ball for the Bears as a child, I beg to differ.

Hell, just watching football in general, I beg to differ.

Hell, I don't have to beg--I differ.

In fact, anybody with the contrary opinion differs--differs from freakin' reality!

In any event... That's my point. The running game can be every bit as exciting, and sometimes more so, as the passing game.

Speaking of topics we won't go into now, aren't sportscasters/sports writers primarily engaged in knuckleheadism anyway?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2009:

Two lovers, sole neighbors on farms, hit

all sex acts and, post fist (though harmed, fit),

so craved something new...

Wracked brain--then launched spoo

by fucking her, er, "sexy" armpit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2009:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we--or at least I (Chief Limericist checking in, here)--am sickened by late night commercials advertising products in bad taste.

Not the Godawful commercials' writing--that's another topic--but the products themselves. KY jelly? Cancer treatment? Guess I shouldn't even complain about the freakin' boner pills--apparently, that's mainstream family fun now.

So imagine my delight to find products advertised that are not only tasteful for ad consumption, but something folks can use--products fighting incompetence.

Incompetence, of course, is a raging epidemic and... What?

Oh. Fred the Intern informs me that the ads do not concern "incompetence" but instead... Oh, well...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2009:

Though worshipped by young nerds and slackers

who cull 'Net for her pics to whack... Er,

don't think Megan Fox's

THAT hot--though I'd not-siz

kick her from bed for eating crackers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2009:

So now, partisanship-addled "liberals," "progressives," what-have-yous are bitchin' and moanin' about the Afghan War, now that they can't whine so much about the Iraq War that's winding down.

Er, this is the war against a country that actually DID play a part in the September 11 tragedy.

A big complaint is that the Afghan War is taking too long and... Ahem. That might be due, in some part, to the fact that most of our military resources were going to that OTHER war until recently.

Or, what the hell, blame "secondhand smoke" for something else...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/11/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Vince" Means Trouble (to Me, Anyway...)

I noticed the other day that a kid I knew in grade school looked a bit like late actor Vincent Price. And he was also named Vince. (I'm unsure of his last name at this point.)

Funny that I'd come to that assumption some thirty years since I've last seen the cat, especially since Price was actually in the limelight back then.

But that's neither here nor there, really. I was reminded of Vince, always need Sunday Story Time fodder and... Well, here we go.

Vince was a "bad" kid. Relatively, anyway, for a rural-ish/suburb-ish area grade school at that point in time. This was long before I even knew anybody that actually did drugs, for instance, so his "badness" was manifest... I hardly remember any details.

He was disciplined in school a lot. Never suspended or expelled or anything, but a troublemaker. For instance, once I remember the teacher accidentally stepping on his foot and Vince calling him a "fool." (And making thus yet another of his many trips to the principal's office.

Wish I could remember more about Vince. It'd probably make for a more interesting Sunday Story Time.

Oddly enough, though, he must've set a template in my head, because my first thought is always "delinquent" when I hear the name Vince...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/11/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: October burn

 

The shelves hold gourds

and ornamental corn.

The phone on the table

knows no engaging words.

The wind hitting the window

shares October burn.

 

She's still outside, at the edge

of the ferns, picking through

the mud for worms. Her face

is free of worry or scorn.

 

It leaves me torn.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2009:

When Jen Elfman's free, I got dibs!

I'd go down so fierce--need a bib!

Won't boot from bed--fact!--her

for eating of crackers--

or even for barbecued ribs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2009:

Playboy plans a cover and centerfold feature of Marge Simpson.

If you're waiting for a punch line, there isn't one.

Considering the younger demographic Playboy's courting, this stunt just might work. These are the same whackadoodles who are paying tittie-mag prices for stuff like Maxim--tittie mags without the tittie...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2009:

As Playboy shoots for hip and witty,

Marge Simpson will be featured pretty

to lure fans of Maxim.

Who knows? Might attract some--

they buy tittie mags without tittie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2009:

Chicago Tribune E-Mail Headline/Lead-in:

"Sidekick Users Lose Data: Microsoft's Cloud Computing Takes a Hit After a Technical Glitch Apparently Wiped Out Personal Data for Users of the T-Mobile Phone"

He hee.

Maybe, at this point, Bill Gates should consider a marketing tie-in with the Chicago Cubs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2009:

Gave him 'nother show? Just seems shady!

He's lame--of his teeth, I'm afraid-y!

All I know agree--

so 'fess up, you three

or four folks who DO like Wayne Brady!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Recession Over, Experts Say"

Hallelujah!

But would those be the same "experts" who were completely blind to the fact that this funk was coming?...

The results of an important new scientific survey/study find that... On average, blondes take six minutes longer than brunettes on their daily beauty routines.

Good to see that, in these trying economic times, rare study money is being spent wisely...

Oh, okay. Out of all the money being spent on studies, should we be singling out Goody Products for engaging in one relevant to their business?

Actually, yes we should--except for the fact that blonde/brunette/redhead issues are of paramount importance to the Daily Limerick Newsroom, so we sorta apologize...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/14/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hot Pockets and Underwear Pee Holes

Does it seem to you that the titular phrase (he hee) just throws a couple random, unrelated items together?

Well then: Hot Pockets come with a Hot Pocket holder that's meant to be folded into a sleeve for the eatin' and... I'm theorizing that most people don't bother. They just slide it in for the wavin' and then either eat the thing on a plate, in a napkin or with the holder used haphazardly.

Kinda like... C'mon. Nobody uses that underwear pee slit thingie. You just pull the underwear down to pee and... Another titular (he hee) mystery solved...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2009:

Recession's, say experts, done--righted!

But before you get too excited,

know "experts" are same

who were so off-game

that to mess, year back, were blindsided!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2009:

So all sorts of National Football League players and owners, in addition to the typical pundits and media whores, are coming out against Rush Limbaugh owning the St. Louis Rams football team, as he's indicated interest in doing, because of his controversial Right-Wing views.

But coming on the heels of the Glenn Beck boycotts, you must realize that this trend is NOT like, say, the Hollywood alleged Communist blacklisting of the '50s because... Well, because that cracked down on LEFT-Wing folks and liberals, of course, are constitutionally incapable of infringing on anybody's civil rights...

By the way, regarding the above-mentioned situation, Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay is quoted as saying, "As a nation, as a world, we've got to watch our words and our thoughts. They can do damage."

So our THOUGHTS can do damage?

Where's the campaign to take the football team AWAY from creepy Big Brother Jim Irsay?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2009:

Rush Limbaugh's, gasbag with much heft,

football team desires? Now bereft!

Got media fisting--

but it's not blacklisting

I guess... If it comes from the Left!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2009:

Pepsi has unveiled Amp, an iPhone application to aid in picking-up chicks and, oh so predictably, women's groups and the usual suspects are up in arms about it being "sexist."

For Jenna Elfman's sake! Guys are so pathetic that they're using iPhone apps to help them score with chicks? This IS "degrading"...to MEN!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/16/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte

Monte and I go back a ways. When we met, we were both aspiring stand-ups workin' the Chicago open mic grind... Sheesh, a decade ago at this point. But we're both still at it, in our own ways, with Monte taking on the drawing art as well lately, including some gallery showings.

Monte's specialty, stand-up-wise, was self-deprecating fare, as a portly guy. (It's admittedly been a while since I've seen him perform, so maybe he now has a new niche.) But his work also belied a true love for food. He even branched out into restaurant criticism, on Internet radio and blogs--which was damn good work, too, especially delightful as he often focused on fast food and such (fare that's delicious to the common man but often pooh-poohed by the critical elite).

While on some level, one's art/career is all that should matter to those outside the family/friend circle, I've just gotta mention that Monte is also a cool, down-to-earth guy with a sense of humor about himself. (To make a Stephen King-length story short, comics, unfortunately, are generally NOT like that on a personal level.)

These days, Monte's dabbling in kids' fare and, as is Monte's professional modus operandi, it's funny stuff--and with a positive, but not prudish, message. See the link to a FunnyOrDie.com entry of his below for an example--and give it a thumbs-up on that site, while you're at it.

Otherwise:

http://monteism.com

And:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f34e48825f/lookin-at-you-lookin-at-me-fer-kids

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2009:

A farmer, admiring his pumpkin,

caressed it--then gave it a thump-kin.

He thought, "Hmm... It's hollow."

Dark thought process followed

which led to arrest--charged with "humpkin."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2009:

We always giggle when we see a gay-themed publication that proclaims itself "biweekly"...

He hee...

Then again, we also wonder if a certain segment of the pub's demographic makes it more properly a "bi-curious-weekly"...

Hoo haw...

Then again... Who're we kiddin'? A "bi-curious-weekly" is more properly a "closeted-weekly"...

Heeee ho... Ahem. Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2009:

The women's groups' ire has been tapped

o'er Pepsi's iPhone pick-up app.

Of course it's degrading...

to MEN! Dorks at dating--

proves we're just pathetic, dork yaps!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2009:

There's a new book out called, "The No-Gossip Zone" which heralds the idea of "gossip-free" offices as more productive.

The knucklehead authors responsible for this are Sam Chapman and Bridget Sharkey.

First of all (really, where do we begin?)... Are they gonna crusade for cats and mice to get along next?... With all the world's negatives, GOSSIP is the one they're dedicating all their time and energy to eradicating?

And by the way, Sam and Bridg, in an age where employers are now getting away with freakin' credit checks on wannabe employees, thanks for opening another avenue for corporations to invade workers' lives...

Some Words to Live By--

A call-back's urgency is inversely proportional to the length of the caller's message... In other words, the longer the message, the kookier the caller...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/18/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The U of I Orientation Chick

When I was 18... Well, I was a mess. On my way to constant intoxication, bearing a bad attitude toward life, socially inept.

Throughout my childhood, my parents, of course, assumed I'd go to college. As did I. Until high school, when the ultimate in cool was being a rock star and I forewent sports for partying and being in a band. A crappy band, but that's not relevant here.

Our vague plan as a band, despite playing but one gig solely with cover tunes, and a half-gig at that, really, as it was just a few tunes... Well, we were to move to L.A. and "make it."

I was wishy-washy about the whole thing. Took my SATs, applied to and was accepted at the University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana. But weeks before I was to attend an on-campus orientation thingie, I balked and told my parents my vague plan. They, in fact, pointed out the vagaries, among other things.

They did talk me into attending the orientation and making a decision after that. And I did go to U of I at 18, although I descended into debauchery, spiraled downward academically and eventually saw my parents yank the tuition money... But that, too, is irrelevant to today's story.

Waiting in one of the lines at the orientation, outdoors, a girl approached me. Pretty, in a hippie kinda way--long, straight blonde hair, very light makeup, '60s nostalgia clothing (but not the "way out there" kind). She was cool, nice to me, interesting...and oh so hot. I remember she had long legs, thin of build, and was limber--I remember her sitting on a concreted campus seat-thing and stretching her legs. She made me hopeful as to what college might hold for me.

I can't say, concretely, that she was the reason I decided to go to college. But she didn't hurt the "yes" argument. And I used her as a reason to explain it to my co-band leader friend and, as another rocker (or perhaps "rocker"), he understood.

To this day, whenever I think of missed opportunities or "what might have been," I remember that girl. If not her name or much more about her than I've written here.

And she probably deserves a more poetic name than today's title but, well, it somehow seems fitting, all things considered...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/18/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Heart heart

 

You will never let go

because you never held on.

Except for the brief, happy

intervals when you did.

 

(Some will be annoyed at the

opacity of these statements.

They will clamor for details,

some sort of living document.

 

But it's none of their business.

Apparently, I've learned,

it's barely even mine.)

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/18/2009:

Monte, last Friday's "Entertain Yourself" featured artist, checks in:

 

> Thanks dude!!! i really appreciate it, it was so nice!

> i always read the limericks, and it was about rush

> limbaugh, i guess i should start reading more than the

> limericks. again, thanks john!!! i read 'em everyday

> like taking my morning vitamins.

 

As long as you're reading SOMETHING on the site, we're not gonna complain.

But using us like vitamins? Hmm... We'd like to think our advice can sometimes help you obtain some Vitamin P... Just don't call us "Vitamin Zzzz"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2009:

Late-night TV ads hearken fall

of culture so one did enthrall--

drug ad, sans offense!

Fights "incompetence"!...

Misheard, wrong I-word... Still appalled.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2009:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should've noticed that we've mostly stopped commenting on the frightening, brainless, harbinger-of-cultural-doom world of "reality" TV.

In case you're wondering why... Well, it's the same reason we don't kill ourselves to write an essay entitled, "Why Molesting Children is Bad."

But cable channel TLC... "Mall Cops: Mall of America"?

I guess if you can't get enough true crime/forensics crap that represents 25 percent of all programming, you might want to watch an investigation into...say, who threw the Auntie Em's pretzel at the Cinnabon counter girl?...

Okay, as long as we're begrudgingly on the topic... We're tired of the same old "experts" blabbing about signs of economic recovery, as when the number of layoffs one month are a thousand less than the one previous... But we've FINALLY stumbled across a sign of hope--

The Fox "Reality" cable channel is going off the air.

Can we have finally hit bottom, culturally?

Sorry. We just HAD to go and dare Hollywood...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Was in an apartment stairwell the other day and... Well, it just begs the question:

For aroma purposes, shouldn't some locations ENCOURAGE a little smoking?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2009:

It's bad joke, so I offer meekly--

for those who grab those gay mags sneak'ly

to garner a chub

when "biweekly" dubbed

the mags are "bicurious-weekly"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2009:

So three people died in the Detroit Marathon this weekend and... Geez.

It's been a hell-hole for so long, then came the demise of its only decent industry, then there's the sports rivalries with our town of Chicago but... We're starting to feel a little greasy making fun of pathetic Detroit...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2009:

"Reality" shows, making fun--

grown so bad, with snark stuff--were done.

Then read of..."Mall Cops"?

What, thrill as they stop

teens tossing food court Cinnabons?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2009:

Despite all of the focus on health insurance lately, so that one would think every angle has been analyzed to death--

Tucked nonchalantly into an AP story we read, for the first time, about the insurance industry having an "anti-trust" exemption, of which, of course, Obama and Congress "aren't committing" at this point to either continuing or striking.

Which all only further supports our own "anti-trust" attitude toward the insurance industry--not to mention any and all politicians and, more and more, the Mass Media...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/21/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Shells!

There are, of course, many varieties of pasta, from long and thin (spaghetti, linguini) to stout and wide (manicotti).

When I'm forced with the choice, standing in the pasta aisle, I almost always pick shells.

(Okay, there are certain occasions and dishes that call for different pasta genres, but when there aren't such particulars, I go with shells.)

They way they're shaped, they have a chewy kinda texture and, having a form of "pocket," they trap some of the sauce and other goodness in the rest of the pasta dish.

So the best pasta shape on earth is... Shells. (Suppose that ellipses unveiling didn't surprise anyone.)

There will be no arguments to the contrary...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2009:

With "secondhand science" madness stoking

dogma, into fascism poking,

it's time we admit

some spots smell like shit!

Say, bathrooms--and could USE some smoking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2009:

A Northwest Indiana she-moron tried shooing raccoons from under her trailer by lighting a bag of eight-ten "smoke bomb" fireworks...setting her whole home ablaze. (That'll teach those pesky rascals...right?)

Note some of the indirect effects of panicking the public with "secondhand science"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2009:

In news story, buried, sans fuss,

mention, anti-trust laws for cussed

Big Insurance biz--

them, pols and Big Wigs

of med'ya stoke MY "anti-trust"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2009:

How would you describe the mindset and demeanor of a kid in a candy store? As like a...what, exactly?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/23/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bambi Raptor

Bambi Raptor's a fun-ass band that'll rock your ass off.

Not only are they more than proficient with their instruments, jammin' the hell outta them, but they pull it off with tunes that are nonetheless catchy. They even engage in some rap-like stuff without coming off as wannabe, 'cause-it's-hip lame!

In fact... Well, the Worst Music Critic on the Planet shouldn't push it.

But I will mention the song, "Alaska." It's about Sarah Palin's daughter!

If that don't hook ya', I'm not dropping trou--

http://www.myspace.com/bambiraptors

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2009:

Was so hot, 'spite being undead,

that Jed didn't mind being bled

by hot vampire chick

so brandished his dick

and thrilled to some killer "un-head"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2009:

Read about a "matchmaking flight" and subsequent "singles" bash bringing together Americans and New Zealanders with one of the "perks" being a visit from a couple of non-celebrities from the show "The Bachelor"--who are to offer advice on finding lasting love.

Isn't that a bit like having Amy Winehouse lead a drug rehab about now?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2009:

Describing stoked folks, there's a knack we've--

use simile, matter of factly.

But how, I implore

kid in candy store

would you describe mood for, exactly?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2009:

If life is getting you down and it seems that, no matter how you try, you just can't get it right... Here's an inspirational story for ya', proving that ANYBODY and ANYTHING can eventually succeed, as long as they keep trying... Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Wow! Windows 7 is an Outstanding Upgrade"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/25/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Gone to Rockford

This is a funny, cutesy story about a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the theme doesn't sound Daily Limerick-like, but it has that style. So if you're opposed to that sorta thing in any way, shape or form, be forewarned. You cold, cynical bastard.

I have a nephew who'll turn 10 next month. He went through a period where he was really into cars. He'd know the makes and models of all cars driven by friends and family--even long-gone cars that people only used to drive. Whenever a new car appeared in his social circle, he'd wanna be taken for a ride.

One of his father's cars clunked out for good and he sent it to a junkyard, which happened to be in Rockford, Ill. (an hour or two north of Chicago). So when my nephew sadly asked what had happened to the car, he was told that it, "was sent to Rockford."

Soon, my nephew lost a balloon to the sky and told those inquiring into the balloon that it had..."went to Rockford." When he'd hear of friends/family of acquaintances dying, he'd describe them as, of course, "going to Rockford."

This went on for a while, although he got over it at some point. That would make for a Sunday Story Time itself, I suppose, but the interesting angle is that, as a Chicago Blackhawks fan recently reuniting with my fandom, I've learned that the 'Hawks' related minor league team is the Rockford Ice Hogs, so as players are sent from the professional hockey team back down, they're...sent to Rockford.

He hee...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/25/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Always natural, always healthy

 

I'm eating a flax wrap

stuffed with fresh-picked

poison ivy and eighteen

ounces of black sand.

 

Certainly, the all-natural

benefits of these all-natural

materials is something science

doesn't want you to know about.

 

It's all a conspiracy,

because science is only in it

to make a buck. It can't profit

on poison ivy or sand.

 

In fact, those toadstools

growing in your backyard

after a rainstorm

are packed with nutrients.

 

They promote natural purging,

and will clean out the toxins

caused by your unhealthy diet --

a diet created (see the pieces

 

falling into place?!)

by a malicious government.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/25/2009:

Regarding Friday's Limerick:

> You're rhyming biz with wigs?

I suppose that most commoners don't know as much about serious verse as do, say, Chief Limericists, but not all rhymes are "end rhymes." Some, in fact... Aw, why bother?

I will mention that questionable rhymes are the least of my problems deriving from masturbating to Ogden Nash as a child...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2009:

Here's some inspiration for you--

when failing, 'spite all that you do,

though you try, try, try...

Keep at it, don't cry--

Windows 7 got good reviews!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2009:

Last week we mentioned that we were having a hard time continuing to use Detroit as a fun-making punching bag, what with... Well, C'MON.

Anyway, now it appears that the Bailout-Motor City is even losing it's women's pro basketball team, the Shock, to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Don't know what can possibly go wrong for that hellhole next. Will Kiss revoke the "Rock City" title?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2009:

Detroit--premier hellhole to pity

one'd think couldn't grow much more shitty.

But chicks' NBA

team now runs away!

Next Kiss revokes status, "Rock City"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2009:

Chad Ochocinco, known almost as much for his National Football League career as his Twitting, is starting a "news network" on Twitter dubbed OCNN.

So Twitter allows..140 characters for these in-depth "news" stories?

Such an easy fun-making target it almost seems unfair. Then again, if he adds weather, OCNN will rival local newscasts in depth...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2009:

So Chad Ochocinco will get

on "news network," though "news" must fit

in a Twitter post...

Thirty words at most?

In-depth, to those Twitterin' twits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2009:

Professional alarmists are making a big deal out of the fact that Swine Flu has now killed about 1,000 Americans.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that 20,000 people die each year from regular flu. Meaning that our panic energy would be better spent on that.

Yet another in a near-endless list of things more worthy of freaking out about than Swine Flu? Since human beings and coconuts have been around for millennia longer than swine flu, and deaths from falling coconuts have, and likely will always be, causing 150 deaths per year... Well, you do the math...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/28/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Knock It Off with the Celebrity Chefs

Need I really say more? Guess I will anyway... There really should BE no "celebrity chefs." Okay, one or two guys, in New York or Paris, with world famous restaurants, should be household names, or at least household names for well traveled and/or high-cultured households.

So, media folk? Stop glorifying them. And "reality" TV folk? Well, we've given up on you hopeless bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2009:

Chick 'Ween costumes sure stoke my fire!

Old faves--but tweaked--rev my desire!

Take old monstrous fare

and show off your wares--

on order of, say, a trampire!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2009:

TruthOut.org headline:

"Lieberman Pulls the Brakes on the Public Option"

When's the last time we thanks Al Gore for bringing this progressive liberal into the political spotlight?

But don't forget--Gore lost the election, even when distancing himself from the then most popular president in recent memory and teaming with perhaps the most ill-conceived running mate in Democratic Party history, by a hair only because it was stolen from him...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2009:

A couple of vampires thought, "Dang!

Our harems have some hot poontang!"

So they had a bash

did they Monster Mash

then got down to hot-ass fang-bang!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2009:

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about... This is a tad embarrassing, considering all we've said about these anti-social networking sites but... Well, I've been considering taking Daily Limerick onto Facebook and/or Twitter.

I know I told readers to kill me if I ever Twitted but... Well, I hope you WOULDN'T. I'd hope you'd know that much of what I say here is meant to be taken less than seriously and... Yeah. I'm only CONSIDERING it. But if I DO... Yeah.

Oh--Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

See, we work a balance here at Daily Limerick between being a) divorced from the moronity that is pop culture and b) admitting that we are a part of pop culture ourselves and that the reality is we need to make some effort to keep up with the latest technological trends so that we have, you know, people reading--and ideally more people reading all the time. Which is mostly the case but... Anyway.

I'm constantly badgered about getting on Facebook. As I was before setting up the MySpace. But I must honestly say that after being harassed about going MySpace for so long, resisting and finally succumbing that... Well, my reasons for resisting were completely validated. I've spent less than five minutes on anti-social networking sites with any remote sense of enjoyment and/or lacking a constant grumbling/cursing under my breath about what a waste of time it all is.

There's a lesson in all this. Well, two--one, anti-social networking sites are a necessary summoning of the Four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse and, two, sometimes you gotta bend over, unlubed, and take one from the Big Technological Penis.

A note concerning Twitter--realizing that Twits must be under 140 characters, I've checked recent Limericks recently and... Some will fit that length and some won't. So if and when I do Twit (shudder), I'm not altering the Limericks. Perhaps I'll Twit (shuddering near convulsions now) occasionally when one DOES come in under 140, or I'll post one weekly, as I do with the full Sunday editions for MySpace now or... Gotta take a break. Breaking into cold sweats now... Okay.

On a recent afternoon and evening, I was furiously debating the pros and cons of going Facebook and/or Twitter. That night, I had a horrible dream. Due to the nature of such things, I don't recall many details at all, except that I was in some horrible setting among hostile folks and I wanted to get away.

So I'm taking it as a sign.

But considering the nature of anti-social networking sites, that "sign" still doesn't provide me a freakin' ANSWER...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 10/30/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Get in Costume!

That's right, put on your most favorite and/or sexy and/or outrageous costume and go out on the town--or at least walk around the neighborhood!

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might be thinking, "Well...duh! It's Halloween Weekend!" But that advice should go without saying. I'm advising you to go out in costume say... February? July?

It'll certainly "Entertain!" others...and if you keep the proper mindset, you'll "Entertain Yourself," too!

As with Christmas, keep a little 'Ween in your heart throughout the year!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2009:

It's Halloween--go out and score

with devil and princess and more!

Reputation? Screw it!

Ain't your fault you do it--

you lose control as a "were-whore"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2009:

Halloween scare for ya'--

Remember Kurt Westergaard? The Danish cartoonist whose drawings of Mohammed got all those shit-fer-brains Islamic fundamentalists' panties in a bunch?

Well, we saw this pic of him and realized that... Red Foxx has returned from the dead!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

 

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