Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2009

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2009:

So Chris Brown, whose bright star has risen...

...as chick-beater's legal decision?

Don't seem right to me--

that nets "therapy"

while we send drug addicts to prison!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2009:

Big changes in the Japanese elections. It seems that the long-ruling, "conservative" party has finally lost control. Known as the Liberal Democratic Party they... Hmmm.

Conservative...liberal... Conservative?... Liberal?... So it ISN'T just this country where the two fuzzily defined sides present "distinct" options over the small stuff while both wholeheartedly supporting what's really important...like screwing the populace in order to cater to the ultra-powerful, moron bankers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2009:

Since funeral shootings are fated,

so my curiosity's sated...

Why does the news tout,

feel they must point out,

that such shootings are gang-related?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2009:

Okay, TV people. It's time to stop using newspaper writers as sitcom characters. There are only three newspaper jobs left.

How about casting bloggers? That way, it'll actually be more realistic when the wacky neighbors come over without knocking, considering the bloggers' homes will be cardboard boxes and all...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/2/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Stain Remover Thoughts

Daily Limerick continues to evolve, countering the overall trend of the human race de-evolving. Just as we recently expanding the scope of Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section by adding sports-related fare, we're now delving into general domestic issues, occasionally, here in our "food" section.

The other day, after doing a load of laundry, I noticed a stain still marring a T-shirt of mine. In a minor huff, I whipped out the stain remover, procured potable cold water and went to work rubbing the fabric to erase the stain before the dryer stage and...had an epiphany. (If you'll allow me to cheapen the meaning of the word, "epiphany," anyway.)

Since my stain remover works so well, why isn't that technology used in regular laundry soap? Eliminate the middle man, or the middle product?

Hmmm?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2009:

Things change fast, some don't--modern day.

Not always black-white, often grey.

Foundations of traffic

make sense, but must ask if

pedest'rans still have right of way?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2009:

This just in... People are actually still using the term "bling"... In this economy, no less... Okay, so the reference we saw was for advertising folk, perhaps not completely human, but there ya' go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2009:

Sick of "wisdom" that's just absurd,

"You're not getting younger"--oft heard!

Got news for you chowderheads--

"sky's blue" might well as said

for time, shmucks, don't go backwards!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2009:

The next time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers read about a city-to-suburb train company crying broke, think about how they LEAVE THE FREAKIN' AC ON THROUGH AUGUST despite the fact that THE TEMPERATURE FREAKISHLY DIPPED INTO THE 40s AT NIGHT...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/4/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Sports Fan Conventions

I ended up attending the second annual Chicago Blackhawks Convention last month.

While I consider myself a huge 'Hawks/hockey fan, I would normally never consider such a thing. A little too sports-geeky for me. By M'Lady bought me birthday tickets to a playoff Game 7 that didn't happen, so this became the substitute. (That tale, as well as much ado about my on-and-off hockey fandom, can be found in the Archives. Just Google "Daily Limerick" with related search terms.)

Since I myself had always wondered about such fan conventions, but would probably never dip my toe in those waters on my own account, I thought Slapper Yapper Grasshopper sports fan may have similar curiosities and figured I'd report my own findings.

I had a good time. It gave me something to do and provided an excuse to Think Hockey in the off-season. Perusing the vendor merchandise area alone made it a fun endeavor.

But there wasn't much more to my experience than that.

Oh, seeing the kick-off festivities was cool. You could watch media sessions live, although they were, of course, followed in the media, too. You could shell-out even more for a breakfast with various stars, obtain autographs if you wanted to, play live-action games of shooting and goaltending--but those seemed more at a "kid level."

Which all relates to my overall assessment of the question, "Should a far, even a big fan, shell-out for and make arrangements to attend a favorite team's fan convention?" My answer: If you have kids. (They eat this stuff up.) Or if you want an excuse to get into the city (if you've moved away, want an excuse to get away from the wife, etc.). Or if you have loads of money. Or if you have less of a life than I. Or if you're into autographs or some of the things I'm NOT into.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I attended and can't thank M'Lady enough for buying us tickets. But I don't think I'll be attending another--for the Blackhawks or a team from any other sport. Until, maybe, I have kids or something.

I did learn that I'm just not an Autograph Guy. I do have a couple of autographs from sports stars, all obtained when I was a child. Most were scored by my dad, a retired airline pilot who'd often fly various teams. Once, I waited in line for Walter Payton's autograph.

People have their own reasons for collecting various things and autographs can be worth good money, in addition to their sentimental value. But unless you manage to score them outside the typical means--as my dad would, happening upon stars in the course of his regular life--there's a LONG wait.

Part of the convention package attendees received included lottery tickets. I scratched mine off and won entry to a "special" autograph session, which turned-out to be for legendary 'Hawks goaltender Tony Esposito. I had an old hockey card of Tony, so I went to that session to get it signedand... I don't know what I was thinking.

I was at the convention with M'Lady. Her lottery ticket brought no win, so she waited outside the autograph room while I waited in line...for an hour. I was only about halfway through the line so I figured that I didn't want to leave M'Lady waiting even longer by herself and I didn't want to blow most of my convention day waiting in line.

So I left the line, never obtaining the autograph.

Thus in answering the question of whether or not to attend a sports fan convention... That depends on what kind of sports fan you are. I should have some sort of witty closing for this, really, but I think my blatherings are enough for you to make a decision, as is...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2009:

Though she eyed his bod like a gator,

checked himself 'fore moving to sate her--

she seemed underage,

so marked mental page

and later, with self, played jail 'bator!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2009:

That DJ A.M. guy? Tragedy and all that jazz, but we're sure glad that the Media let us know that he's a celebrity, household name and all that.

It's awfully hard to tell who's a celebrity proper these days...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2009:

Though death's tragic in many ways

of DJ AM, I must say,

I'm glad press tells me

'twas "celebrity"--

so hard to tell who is this days!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2009:

An advertising campaign by the U.S. Catholic leadership attempts to lure more of those identifying as "Catholic" back to mass.

As this blitz hits the Chicago area, a Chicago Sun-Times story ran with a bar graph highlighting the most common reasons for mass-skipping given by the Archdiocese of Chicago. Stuff like, "busy schedule" or "conflict with work."

Curiously, no, "It's not the 17th Century anymore"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/6/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Bliss of a Dead Phone

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I'm still a cell phone holdout. (Won't go into it here; go a'Googlin' with "Daily Limerick" plus the relevant terms to see more in the Archives.)

I'm the type who actually RELISHES being out-of-contact. I LIKE the fact that, when I hit the grocery store, nobody can bother me with a call. Sure, there are drawbacks--and I plan to finally get one when my job situation/the economy stabilizes--but alone/out-of-reach time is something that many now will forever be screwed out of. (Although I know few cell users who don't occasionally forget their phone, or purposefully leave it at home, meaning I'm just as "in touch" as most cell users...but that's a topic for another rant.)

I have a cordless landline phone. It's recommended that, for best performance, you run down the battery on that completely about once a month. So I do. It doesn't give me much warning as to when it's gonna run out, so I'm usually mid-conversation and end up saying, "This phone's gonna run out any second and then it has to charge for the night!"

And then, for that night (if I'm spending it home), I feel an extra sense of comfort. Hanging out and nobody can reach me via phone! Aha!

Now, of course, sometimes folks like M'Lady will turn to e-mail for reaching me, so getting away from it all is rarely perfect. Nonetheless, for now, I look forward to my monthly night of bliss when the cordless phone battery runs down...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/6/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: No

 

You need someone who likes

the bands with male singers

who weep-sing about all

the drugs they haven't taken

yet -- and all the ways

the world ends when someone

breaks their bullish hearts.

They would rage to you for hours

about the girl in the bar

sliding her finger up and down

the stem of a wine glass,

how it drives them insane

with lust, when really she

is not doing it on purpose,

hasn't even recognized

their dumb teen-age need.

They wail about night streets

as though such places are inherently

interesting because they hold darkness,

and they ream off page after page

of poetic nihilism cloaked as

romance, and love. In fact,

they cannot separate love from pain,

and when their emotions become

too clumsy, they fall back

on the work of better bands --

nicking choruses and melodies

and whole thought patterns,

as though they were themselves

Kurt or Jim or some other

seriously fucked up addict-artist,

adored.

 

So no, you do not need me.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2009:

Most Labor Days, folks like to savor

the time off with barbecue flavor.

But this time around

seems many are found

a'wishing they HAD some paid labor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2009:

Yowza! We actually have a labor-related news nugget on Labor Day:

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reports than women now hold half of all jobs.

So, regarding the whole definition of "sexism" and all that... Aw, forget it. We don't need to be dubbed "angry white guys" on top of being marginally employed...

In any event, Happy Labor Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2009:

Sure, ad folks just care 'bout ka-ching,

but job calls for know'n' trendy things.

So it blows my mind

in Two-Thousand Nine

to actu'lly see the word "bling"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2009:

Okay, journalists, maybe this is an inside joke to you but... Well, there's a local story about a woman swindling from a sorority she worked for and the chick who played whistleblower on her is described... As "fingering" the alleged.

Ahem.

See, our mind wanders when we read of a sorority chick "fingering" another and... Maybe it's just us. Now we can't stop daydreaming about visiting a sorority and having a whistle blown, so to speak...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2009:

Ad blitz from Cath'lic Diocese

says, "Come back to mass, lapsed ones, please!"

Wrack brains--'tendance flat?

Could reason be that

it's not Seventeenth Century?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2009:

Speaking of the myriad ways these damn anti-social networking sites tend to affect things... Well, we used to be quite fond of the word "atwitter."

Thanks for ruining that one for us, Twits...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/9/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Goin' Sanitary Ain't Pretty

Well, whaddaya know? After announcing that our "Food" section would occasionally include items of a general domestic nature, we're nailin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers with another such theme.

Ever been in a hospital bathroom, where it's about as sanitary as can be? Huh? And if you have, what's it smell like? That's right--funky. Clean, germ-free, all that, but odd. And certainly NOT flowery or perfume-y.

Which brings us to today's point. I often buy that waterless hand sanitizer. Smells alcohol-y, really, not necessarily good...but that doesn't matter. It kills germs, otherwise cleans your hands and, when the alcohol evaporates, which it does quickly, your hands smell neutral--not bad, which is the point.

But recently I fell victim to marketing gone amok and bought a "strawberry" hand sanitizer.

Oh, it smells nicer that the typical hand sanitizer. But there's a price. When the alcohol evaporates, my hands don't smell neutral, they smell strawberry...and feel sticky.

So beware gettin' fancy-schmantzy with your sanitizer needs. And file yet another product under Fixin' Something That Ain't Broke...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2009:

Newspaper reporters, long knighted,

as sitcom leads... Job's dead, let's right it--

use bloggers! When wacky

neighbors drop-in, facts, see,

make more sense when home's cardboard box!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2009:

There's a subgenre of mostly "liberal" chowderheads out there claiming that porn causes violent crime. Despite the lack of a shred of evidence to support this claim--quite the contrary, in fact--these wide-eyed kooks cling to the claims as dogma, curiously like the "conservative" dogmatists they hate.

Chicago-area convicted triple-murderer Brian Dugan was caught with contraband in his cell--including copies of the magazine...Maxim?

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know our thoughts on Maxim and those other "lad mags." Porn without the good stuff--and just as costly. Within, you'll find pics of scantily clad--not nude--celebrity (and "celebrity") chicks--the same chicks you can see scantily clad all over the Internet, on TV, in movies and in other non-"lad" mags.

Now, "good" Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (if there is such a thing) should also know that our theory is that a LACK of porn causes violent crime. Some 99.9 percent of guys use porn (whether you know it or not, ladies) because none of us get laid as often, or with as much variety, as we like, hence the need for a supplement.

Lacking that supplement makes one all the more likely to go out and seize the real thing.

So this is yet another incident bolstering our theory. As long as you're gonna smuggle contraband magazines into your cell... Maxim? Of all the choices out there?

This guy didn't quite get the porn thing, felt all the more repressed and... Well, he's in a cell for good reason.

We urge a boycott of the lad mags, thus, for a much different reason than the drooling "liberal" extremists. And perhaps, as long as we're throwing worthless money to "therapists" to counsel the un-counselable... Instead of "anger management," why not "proper porn usage"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2009:

When, like a canary, a singer sings,

to cops, and reporters are lingering

on best wording picks,

if case entails chicks--

might best not call the squeal a "fingering"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2009:

Throughout the history of the U.S. Presidency, commanders-in-chief have often taken time to deliver a message specifically to school-age kids.

This message has always been about as non-controversial as a politician's words can be--"stay in school," "follow your dreams," etc. Thus, regardless of where the president in question fell on the Right/Left scale, or what controversial things his reign was noted for (wars, recessions, etc.), public and pundits have let such addresses slide for what they are.

Until President Obama's. See... Well, if you haven't heard of the reactions, maybe some lube will help remove that head from your ass. Lacking lube, a veterinarian once clued me in on the properties of butter... Ahem.

So we've been wracking our brains here in the Daily Limerick Towers wondering just what's different about Obama to justify the frothing hissy fits from the bottom of the Right-Wing Bucket.

Is it because he's tall?... No... Because he's from Illinois?... No, other presidents have had Illinois connections, including Lincoln and Reagan... Because he doesn't sport facial hair?... No, seems that's been the trend for a while now and... Puzzling.

We can't figure out just what specific trait it is that makes Obama stick-out among the presidential crowd, to justify this vehement opposition to his talking directly to school kids, no matter how we try...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/11/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: NOT the "Viagra Dome"?

Attention sports fan Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, specifically National Football League Fans:

The Dallas Cowboys brand new stadium is called, believe it or not... Cowboys Stadium.

Yup. No corporate anal rape...er, sponsorship involved.

See? Just as we've TOLD you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers for some time now, our current...er, what's the technical term?...Shitball Economy, like most dark clouds, will have its share of silver linings...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2009:

Man walked in on chick he was dating

and found her amid masturbating--

did not notice him.

His first thought? "Jump in!"--

But found it great sport for spectating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2009:

While the two phenoms often occur together, there are distinct differences between a girly-man and a squirrely man.

Yet another sprawling Derelict Roommate tale, coming semi-soon to Daily Limerick!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2009:

Incensed whackjob Rightists spray drool

incensed Pres. urged kids... "Stay in school"?

Long POTUS tradition!

So why's HE get dissin'?

Wrack brain... What trait could poss'bly fuel?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2009:

When one worthy of Daily Limerick attention passes from this earth, it's always with mixed feelings that we pen our own form of obituary, as we do with today's edition.

And this one...brought so much hope. Had such great plans to change things in the world--things sorely in need of changing. While this one was on track, at one point, to help the most needy members of our nation, those of middle-, even upper-class lifestyles, would have greatly benefited.

In fact, this one promised to radically and positively reform most every aspect of our nation, from individual lives to overall economy.

We don't like long goodbyes, but had to say something.

So RIP...meaningful health care reform...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/13/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Every Silver Lining Chick has a Dark Cloud Friend

Now, I've been married, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should well know.

And as is usually the case when someone gets married, I'm at a point in life, level of maturity, etc., whereby I'm ready to get married. Not that I want/wanted to jump into things too fast, of course, but for a few years prior to my marriage, and in every relationship since, I'm on the lookout for long-term chicks.

You could say, although the term annoys me silly, that I've been a "serial monogamist" since reaching that point.

And in my current relationship, with M'Lady, I've finally caught on that... Well, EVERY chick I've dated, and dubbed to be of a caliber worth pursuing a possible lifetime relationship with, comes with a drunken, annoying friend. And a good friend, at that. And a long-term friend with whom it's not possible, or desirable, for her to cut ties with.

I don't know if this is the case with other guys, or chicks for that matter. Or same-sex-lovers, what-have-you.

But maybe, since I now consider myself on a successful relationship road, there's a tip in there for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers looking for love.

Get to know those annoying alkies...at least long enough to meet the gaggle of dames she's hanging with at the time.

Screw diamonds--lushes are a girl's best friend!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/13/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Quiet maneuvers

 

I want to chew up and swallow

all the little colored lights

in songs with quiet maneuvers.

 

Devour the spaces between beats,

hang off the clefs like monkey-bars,

happy just to be there.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2009:

A Great One's death's so sad to see--

but this one hits hard--you AND me!

I 'specially grieve

as this one, Earth leaves--

real health care reform, RIP!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2009:

Isn't it...curious that the shittier the job, the more like the employer is to unconstitutionally (regardless of what the out-of-touch Supreme Court says) drug test an employee?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2009:

Try not to let it make me bitter--

one more good word goes down the shitter!

Anti-social networks

have ruined it now. Thanks, Jerks!

No longer can feel all "a'twitter"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2009:

So Tyra Banks made a big whoop outta unveiling her natural hair, part of a larger trend, apparently. (Yawn.)

But we're all for this "natural" thing. Can we try, say...boobs next?...

Speaking of which, that Wendy Williams chick... When they start to--seriously, no exaggeration--resemble watermelons...c'mon...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2009:

For jobs, the more pow'r that's invested

brings accountability lessened.

Fail? Bosses sit pretty!

But, th'more job grows shitty

the more likely one is drug-tested!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Avis, Budget to Ban Rental-Car Smoking"

Why don't we just get it over with, folks? See this through--the human urge to persecute some, ANY minority--and enact full-on segregation legislation. Could call it "Virginia Slim Crow Laws" or something...

So Kanye West... (Yawn.)

Maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away. Or manage to hold his breath long enough to kill himself during a tantrum or something...

Tip to politicians:

Never, ever--from the legislative floor to off-the-clock vacations--wear orange, or any color that evens hints of orange. Especially shirts or jackets, which tend to sneak their way into newspaper headshots.

Not only is it a rough word to rhyme into a Limerick about you, but prisoners predominantly wear orange now, so viewers seeing that are just gonna assume...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/16/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Some Cock-Eyed Freezer Wisdom

Misreading things can not only be loads of fun, but sometimes its results hint at a greater truth.

We've brought you our misreading results many times concerning TV listings grids. Now we bring you a supermarket edition, with this misread taking place in the freezer section:

"Breyer's Double Chin"

He hee. Actually, the ice cream variety is properly, "Double CHURN," but, well... Always on the lookout for the oft ugly, but unbridled, Truth...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2009:

The nat'ral hair trend turns to fest--

Tyra unveiled what with she's blessed!

I'll join celebration

myself, with elation--

if nat'ral trend turns next to...breasts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Men in Burqas Try to Attack Oil Facility in Pakistan"

As the fight for cross-dresser acceptance in the Mid East hits yet another in a seemingly endless parade of hurdles...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2009:

Kanye... Oh, why give him attention?

Princess hissy fits are his penchant.

Ignore him, I say,

perhaps he'll go 'way--

hold breath 'til next media mention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2009:

Are there any conspiracy theories out there saying that British comedian Benny Hill really DIDN'T die? He WAS noted for disguises, including women's wigs, you know.

Just asking because, well... Susan Boyle...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/18/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Enigma that is Patton Oswalt

Now Patton Oswalt is all the rage... Well, the fringe rage, anyway. Long-time comedian and alleged "actor" whose best known role is a wacky visitor on "King of Queens," now he has some bigger roles upcoming.

Patton has some pretty good stand-up. I'll give you that. But I have reasons to dislike him--the big, Insider Showbiz Shocker appears below.

Well, I also have reason to dislike him because of that KFC food bowl rant, but only because I'm sick of the recent trend toward comics bashing fast food/heat-and-eat entrees that already bash themselves.

After deciding that Patton was a screwtoad due to my Insider Showbiz Knowledge, I discovered his stand-up to be clever and, truth be told, delightful. Recently I learned that he, like me, is anti-Facebook and anti-Twitter--and that his anti-social networking site of choice (as he was pushed into, given the state of the modern world, also like me) is MySpace.

So I'm torn because (Insider Showbiz Alert) the one and only time I encountered Patton was at the 1999 Chicago Comedy Festival. I performed in that fest but, unlike Patton, was no headliner.

I was attending a showcase of local comics, many of whom I knew. I don't recall if Patton was the main attraction that night or if he was only attending. But he made a big stink when he was unnoticed as he entered the club.

So...put THAT in your KFC bowl and smoke it, rather than eating it, at least if you agree with Patton on the subject and if they indeed even still make those bowls...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2009:

This dude could just feel his aplomb grow

while courting a chick with the mambo.

He got her in the sack

but craved mult'ple sex acts--

so opted for "Mouth-Beave-Butt Combo"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2009:

Chief Limericist checking in, here, for a Special Report:

Yay! Jenna Elfman's back on TV!

Ahem.

Well, Jennifer Love Hewitt still hasn't succumbed to my, er, advances, so it's time to move on to another of my oddball picks for Hot Chick of Note...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2009:

Stars die and, 'fore laid in the soil,

conspiracy theorists toil

and claim they live still.

So... On Benny Hill

are there claims? 'Cause, well... Susan Boyle?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2009:

Unmarried and Single American Week starts today, brought to us by Unmarried America, a group engaged in activism for "Singles' Rights," arguing that singles are discriminated against through stuff like fewer vacation days, greater dining-out costs, etc.

Now while I'm currently enjoying the presence of M'Lady in my life (Chief Limericist checking in, here), I've lived the vast majority of my adult life unmarried and about half of it single--meaning, assuming from the language these folk are using, not dating anyone steadily.

To boot, I've never been the type to "date around," so if I'm not dating steadily, I'm pretty much not dating. Unless you consider an every-other-month nutball runaround and awkward, mistaken intentions-laden dinner/hang-out or two to be "dating."

So I can sympathize with this cause. At least with the work-related stuff, perhaps--I've worked more than one job where a coworker is allowed extra days away over a childcare thingie. So there's something to be said for this, I suppose. Some disgruntled sort has to lobby for this kinda stuff.

I've put much thought into this newly diagnosed realm of discrimination and accompanying activism and have this statement to make:

Quit yer whinin' and invest in porn, like the rest of us...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/20/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Iowa's Barney Fife

I went on a week-long vacation last months with M'Lady and her wiener dog, Schnapps. First real vacation I'd taken in years--and a full-on vacation at that. Didn't so much as check e-mail, posted a week's worth of DL entries ahead of time, all that.

Both of us being marginally employed, we pulled off the vacation as cheaply as we could. Ultimate destination was M'Lady's friend's place in Colorado, where we stayed a few days. Otherwise, we sorta took our time going out and coming back, camping along the way. When we DID shell-out for food (other than to cook over the campfire), it was stuff like Taco Bell and its 99-cent menu.

Well, enough backstory. Word on the 'Net was that Iowa allows free camping in its public parks so, with a friend online guiding us via cell phone, we navigated to a site that was "just off" the Interstate.

"Just off" meaning a half-hour-plus drive over hilly, gravel-laden roads through nowhere--with tiny signs all-too-occasionally pointing the way toward the destination.

Now, it was a nice enough campground. Secluded with a fishing spot, campfire areas, all that jazz. Reading the confusing signage as best we could, it seemed that the tent camping area was poorly designed, especially narrow. So, as a group of campers had already set up, the only way to get to another camping area was to trudge through their camp with all of our stuff, so we figured... Well, we figured wrong.

We figured we could just toss our tent up outside of what appeared to be the designated area. Wouldn't be in anybody's way, it was already late and we'd be leaving early... So we set-up under the fast disappearing sunlight.

We sat down on our foldable chairs and enjoyed some cold food, tired from driving, sunlight gone at that point. I don't recommend corned beef hash straight from the can, but it worked.

Then came the ranger. He told us we couldn't camp there. We explained our situation--tired, found the signs confusing--but he wouldn't relent. We had to move the tent or leave the campground altogether.

M'Lady was much more irate about this than I. Oh, I was upset, but quickly resigned to my fate. First, she asked Iowa's Barney Fife if we could just sleep in the car. He said that was okay, but said we should be sure of that decision as they were gonna "lockdown" the park soon. (I'm still not entirely sure why they do that--and am more than a tad frightened over the idea. Do people steal endangered flora and such?)

It soon became apparent that we'd never sleep well in that damn car. I suggested that we just re-pitch the tent as, although it was late, we'd get a better night sleep that way overall.

But despite the impending trouble with driving back to the interstate and seeking a hotel, eventually sleeping at an even more ungodly hour, M'lady tried driving out. Sure enough, a gate was across the exit. M'Lady tried driving around that...and she wasn't the first. There were spikes set in the little hill to prevent her type from unauthorized exit.

So we went back, set-up the tent in near darkness. (There was a full moon, but trees blocked its full light.) And we ended up sleeping on a hill, finding ourselves sliding downward repeatedly throughout the night.

Not knowing just how far off-interstate this campground was, I'd talked my lady out of getting gas the night before, so we ended up just BARELY getting out of there, on fumes, to a gas station.

While the ranger pissed me off, I took solace, and still chuckle at our tiny, tiny bit of revenge on the bastard--when he told us we couldn't camp at the spot, Schnapps barked at him.

He hee...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/20/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Virtually limitless handy tips

 

When the rubber meets the road

the signs will fly idly by,

proclaiming welcome and warning

with the same official air.

 

You might not even notice the

billboards stretching miles and

miles along the way, creating a

promotional skyline of handy tips:

 

Why buy a car there when

you can buy it here, driver?

25 miles to the next roadside

attraction. So

 

stock up on your petrified forest

wood chips while you still can!

Hurry, supplies are virtually

limitless and not going anywhere.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2009:

Now most politicians are slick

but somehow, some miss simple trick!

Quite simply, avert

orange jackets or shirts--

for pols, too, are often convicts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2009:

Philosophical question:

If a tree falls in the forest, but the only ears around to hear it are stuffed with iPod buds... Ain't if funny if the tree hits the bastard?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2009:

Today's first day Fall makes its show.

The calendar says that it's so!

Seems summ'ry, to me...

Keep dressing skimpy

girls--calendar don't always know!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2009:

We were shocked off our nut to read the news--

The U.S. Federal Communications Commission is proposing rules to maintain "'Net Neutrality." That is, laws to ensure that Internet providers like, oh, let's say...Comcast, don't censor access to certain Web sites by its customers that might prove disagreeable to an entity like, oh...Comcast.

We're so used to the FCC being the villain--catering to the merger-mad media entities, goin' all Stalin over nipples, etc.--that, really... Well, Fred the intern's jaw has been in a dropped state for 12 hours now!

The FCC? Doing something...good?

This story also brought to our attention the fact that we have a new FCC Chairman, apparently kudos to the Obama administration, Julius Genachowski.

But we're not too surprised that this is the first we've read of Genachowski--and that, when we did, it was through a teeny story tucked in the back of the business section, in with the interest-rate tables. This stuff's certainly not as newsworthy as, say, some flash-in-the-pan whackadoodle calling Obama a "liar"..

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2009:

In Tolerant Age, naught's unmissed--

take militant fundament'lists!

Seems now, terror work's-a

done by men in burqas--

you go girls, cross-dressing terr'rists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2009:

Women "significantly outnumber" men on Facebook and other social networking sites.

Or so we read from a reputable source, although said source dropped the ball as far as attribution and stats on that assertion.

Well, ladies... You gotta admit, since suffrage, and likely earlier, the Women's Movement has overwhelmingly progressed, so don't get too upset about a setback like this...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/23/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Okay, Knock it Off

That's right, you can quit with 'em already.

The TV shows focusing on cake.

More than enough of them. Talk about an understatement with that last sentence.

Stop it.

Knock it off.

NOW.

Pie kicks cake's ass any day of the week, anyhow...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2009:

Seems her career's been on the shelf, man--

but when I see her? Touch myself, man!

New show! Critics, "It blows!"

Call it peccadillo

but I'm sooo hot for Jenna Elfman!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"White Cop Told to Get Rid of Cornrows"

Although we're all for Diversity... We couldn't agree more with this decision.

Tolerance ends with white guys acting black...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2009:

Small news brief said the FCC

will rule for "'Net Neutrality."

Used to them play'n' villain!

Now purpose fulfillin'?

Why ain't news on page one through three?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2009:

Celebrity riffraff/National Football League star Plaxico Burress reported to prison Tuesday for firing a gun off, into his own leg, at a New York nightclub.

We believe he was charged with Criminal Being a Dumbass.

Anyway, what's most interesting is that Burress reportedly hired a consultant to teach him to make use of his prison time effectively.

Hmm... Since Burress is a rather big guy, we guess that entails... Rather than not bending over for the soap in the shower... Strategic placing of the bar of soap?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/25/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: Shut Up 'Bout Andy Kaufman

Comedy critics, stop comparing any comedic person, group, movie, TV show, act, etc., to Andy Kaufman.

Not only has it been overdone, but nobody but comedians get the reference.

Maybe they would've a few years back, with that "Man in the Moon" movie about him and all, but not now.

Yeah, he was better than average. Perhaps even great. How that justifies using him as a convenient yardstick when you lack words, I don't know, but more importantly, the major mystique surrounding him otherwise is simply the fact that he died young...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2009:

A virgin prepared for first sin

of sex--knew not where to begin!

Chick said, "Doggy style!"

He thought for a while...

Then went to town, humping her shin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2009:

We've been thinking a lot about our multimedia age and wondering whether Daily Limerick should make one a video to post about.

One of those, you know, virile videos that... Er, we mean VIRAL videos.

Anyway, we could... Hmmm.

Guess we DO mean "virile video," after all...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2009:

In Tolerant Age we now find

selves. Keep diversity in mind!

But it must be said

that white guys in dreads

or cornrows? We must draw the line!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2009:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"'I Just Want Some Help': Accused Killer"

Call us sticklers for etiquette, but when we need help... Well, first we ask someone appropriate, nicely...and only when THAT doesn't work, do we whip out the gun, go on a killing spree and engage the police in an eight-hour standoff...

Oh, and as is usually the case in crimes like these, thanks much to family members asserting that the suspect is not "a monster"... All things considered, you can see how we might assume otherwise... So we'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Happens to the best of us--who HASN'T had a bad day and went off a'murderin'?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/27/2009:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Citizen's Arrest

You've most recently heard about the "citizen's arrest" thing with the news of...whatever-the-hell she is, Tila Tequila, pulling the stunt because her 15 Minutes are up...er, because famous football player Shawne Merriman allegedly kidnapped her and such.

The most delightful pop cultural reference to citizen's arrest comes, of course, in an old episode of the Andy Griffith show.

But in case you haven't figured it out by now, I have my own tale of citizen's arrest.

The very idea cracks me up, honestly. Sounds very Wild West. I have a hard time imagining anybody trying one in this day and age--and an even harder time imagining anybody pulling one off. I keep picturing some whimpy guy getting beaten up, then turning to the bully, twice his size, and exclaiming, "Citizen's arrest!"

He hee.

Anyway... I was living in a studio apartment, many moons ago. Place was tiny as hell and... I'll say it--trashy, really. But cheap. And in a decent Chicago neighborhood, to boot.

It was ridiculously easy to hear noises in the studios of others at that joint. I was always extra careful with the stereo, for instance--never really letting loose with the jams the entire five years I lived there.

One night, fairly late (10 p.m.-ish?), I was hanging out with a friend of mine and we stumbled into entertainment.

First came the music. It was down the hall a ways, so it wasn't too bothersome to us, but you could tell it was really loud.

One reason you could tell that it was really loud was that the upstairs neighbor of the Music Blaster came down, knocked on the guy's door and asked him to turn it down.

When the music came back on, it was still rather loud, and Upstairs Boy came knockin' again.

When Upstairs Boy went back up again, loud music continued to play.

Then we heard the dialogue (the following is an inexact, but close, dramatization):

"What? I can hardly hear it myself anymore! Can't I play music in my own apartment?"

"You don't have to play it so loud! If you don't turn it down, I'm gonna citizen's arrest you!"

"What?"

"You heard me--I'll citizen's arrest you!"

"What're ya', nuts?"

"Okay, then, I'm citizen's arresting you."

"What?... Hey... Get away from me!"

"You're under citizen's arrest!"

"Get outta here or I'M calling the cops!"

"HEY, EVERYBODY! I'm gonna tell everyone on the floor. THIS GUY WON'T TURN HIS MUSIC DOWN SO I'M CITIZEN'S ARRESTING HIM!"

"You're outta your fucking mind..."

Ohhh ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!

Ahem.

I don't recall how it was all resolved. The cops may've came, issued a stern warning and left--but I'm not sure. Cops came to that seamy joint a few times. I could be mixing up my stories.

I do know that eventually the music wasn't so loud.

So maybe, in its own way, citizen's arrest DOES work...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/27/2009:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Seek alternate routes

 

A section of your highway

has collapsed. Seek alternate

routes, the signs advise.

Several weeks of driving

up and down I-89, mountain rain

slapping against the windshield,

dodging in and out of roadwork

(left lane closed 1/2 mile,

right lane closed 1/2 mile).

 

The sweaty, semi-nervous beginning

wrapped its tail around the ending

and pulled it closer each visit --

unbeknownst to me, perhaps also

to you -- until the head and the

tail met, and, sighing, the creature

expanded its belly beneath the road,

cracking the surface,

making this impossible.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2009:

So Plaxico Burress, the dope,

has hired a "consultant" in hopes

of spending jail time

best way, by design--

and best placement of shower soap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2009:

Ever happen upon a gossip/celebrity columnist who lists the day's/upcoming birthdays...but omits ages, perhaps out of some twisted idea of "respect"?

What good are celeb birthdays when we can't chuckle at how old they're getting?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2009:

Though newspapers, grim reaper's paging,

celeb gossip columns keep raging!

Some list ageless birthdays

out of respect. Worth fades

if we can't laugh at the stars aging!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2009:

So the Swiss have finally arrested Roman Polanski for the decades-past crime of sexing a 12-year-old--and they're trying to have him extradited back to the U.S.

It's admittedly a bizarre one but, please, enough with the Michael Jackson tributes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2009:

As world thought conviction was moot

Swiss nabbed that Polanski galoot

for lost-passed child screwin'!

Extradition brewin'?

This some strange Mike Jackson tribute?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2009:

Happy Jenna Elfman's Birthday!...

And screw you, Jennifer Love Hewitt! You've ignored the Chief Limericist's, er, advances long enough! We're moving on in our creepy, at-a-long-distance celebrity peccadillo indulgence!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 9/30/2009:

TODAY'S EDITION: National Salisbury Steak Day 2009 Unveiled!

That's right! National Salisbury Steak Day, a celebration of that delicious treat (recommended served with buttered noodles, green beans, rolls and milk--with the meal eaten while watching the debut of new "South Park" episodes in October), has finally been scheduled for 2009!

This year's celebration will be... October 7!

Steak on!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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