Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2010:

Likes of St. Pat's? Not all court fun.

MOST "holidays," most don't dub one!

"Not Mick/Jew... Won't Yule!"

But for April Fool's?

Seems that includes most everyone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2010:

C'mon. Really. You've GOTTA give us a pass on questionable "content" for today, all things considered...

Happy Extra Cheezy April Fool's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2010:

You recall Ricky Martin? You do?

He's come forth with news for me and you!

Ready for it?... He's...gay!

Guess he needed to say

it--but that closet sure was see-through!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2010:

Today's newspaper brings word of both Karl Rove and Bill Ayers being censored, in each's own way, for public speaking engagements.

Well. At least the Home of Free Speech is bipartisan in grinding the Public Dialogue to a halt...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/2/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: "The Golden Girls"

I know the show's the butt of jokes too numerous to mention but, I must admit... Well, I like "The Golden Girls."

I think it's well-written. Likeable and memorable characters. All that.

Now, I don't think I'd call it a fave, and I don't go out of my way to watch it, but if I'm toolin' around cable and finding slim pickin's, well... Yeah.

Make fun of me all you want. Just bein' honest...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2010:

While in Spotlight, Closet? Was in it!

Out gay life? Chose NOW to begin it!

Why now, Ricky Martin,

with "fame" fast departin'?...

News grabber here at 19th Minute!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2010:

Wow. Did you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers catch that? A two-parter Limerick! Did you feel the anxiety of the cliffhanger yesterday and all?

All on the important news topic of... Ricky Martin coming out.

Ahem.

Well, we had to go in-depth on it, anyway...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2010:

Both Bill Ayers and Carl Rove each

by protests had quashed scheduled preach!

Both right-wing and left-wing bans--

'least we're bipartisan

in our stifling of Free Speech!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2010:

So Charlie Sheen is reportedly done with his sitcom and... Can they really have the nerve to continue with, "One and a Half Jokes"?...

A man busted for running through a supermarket wearing nothing but a mask claims he did it because he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do."

Oh, that explains everything. We've all been there--

"What to do, what to do?... Read? Go for a walk?... Run through a store naked as a jaybird?"...

Do porn stars social network through "Facialbook"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/4/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: One of Life's Little Feel-Bads

Now, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, as a writer, I'm currently shopping a book to literary agents. Actually, I'm close to readying a second for the same procedure.

This week, I received a rejection letter from one agent.

Twice.

Same day.

Two separate envelopes.

Saw fit to reject me twice.

(Sigh)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/4/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Drop

 

He did it. He condensed

pain down to a single

shimmering drop. From

a distance it looked

black like a beetle shell,

smooth like stone.

But closer in it was

a rainbow pulled

into disarray, spinning

in the surface tension.

 

The drop spread apart

when the first bass note

hit. The guitars built

a set of stairs that the

drop slid down. Then

the drums made the drop

dance. Until it was so

small and fragmented

it no longer had

any form.

 

It was many drops then,

each too small to see.

Each with their own

color and taste.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2010:

So Charlie Sheen, one fucked-up bloke,

may exit his sitcom to stoke

his movie career.

So will they (I fear)

continue, "ONE and a Half Jokes"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2010:

So Toyota sales are reportedly through the roof, despite the fact that... Well, they're death machines, ala Stephen King's, "Christine."

Where are the Big Mother activists on this one? Saving people from their own actions?

Oh, I guess there's only a risk of immediate death here. Not like these people are, oh, we don't know...smoking or something?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2010:

Now social networking sites carved nook

in culture and groups craft their own hooks.

Will porn industry

start own up and be

known under the name of "Facialbook"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2010:

Here a tip for mayors, councilmen, alderman, planning board members, what have you, of suburbs--

Heard of sidewalks?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2010:

At trip to the suburbs, I balk!

As urban, and carless, must squawk--

Hey, suburb committees?

Here's tip from Big City--

have you ever heard of...sidewalks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2010:

So analysts are describing sales of Apple's new iPad as ho-hum. A mere 300,000 opening day, which only matches the iPhone's debut in 2007.

Seems to us that's quite a few of 'em. But to Apple... Nope.

Do you think Steve Jobs is about ready for his own, modern-day Beer Hall Putsch?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/7/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Open-Faced, Baked Panini Sandwich

This is one of my current favorites; the open face, baked pannini sandwich. (I get it in Chicago at Caponies (http://www. caponiespizza.com), 3350 N. Harlem Ave.)

Get this--Caponies makes their own bread that's kinda like a focaccia, but only the bread (no tomatoes and what not). They split it in two, and it's huge!! And they top it with mushrooms, mozzarella cheese, tomatoes, olive oil, Italian seasonings... You can have it with either grilled veggies, chicken, prosciutto, or ham. And then they give you some tomato sauce on the side to top it off. And it's all baked in their wood-burning, stone oven.

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2010:

iPads--sold 300K yet,

its first day, ol' Steve Jobs, I'll bet,

won't be happy man

'til one's in the hands

of each man, chick, child--and their pets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2010:

Since we're sick of our newspaper--apparently figuring that laming it up might save the industry from certain doom--adding these pathetic "health" supplements, with articles and doctors' columns telling us the same thing over and over... Daily Limerick now provides this service--

Exercise. Don't smoke. Eat stuff that tastes bad, avoid anything that tastes good.

There. No need for those sections--or their TV counterpart--anymore...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2010:

New health supplements? Lame! Appall!

How they stave off biz-Reaper's call?

Note: Tastes good? Don't buy!

Don't smoke, exercise...

There--done with those, once and for all!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2010:

Okay, so the U.S. airline industry is in the crapper, largely thanks to the fact that the big carriers are so huge and entrenched that they can't evolve into a new way of doing business, what with their hierarchy of overpaid execs, while at the same time smaller, newer companies are faring much better.

So what does Big Aviation do? Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"UAL, US Airways Merger?"

Ahem.

But don't anybody pay attention to what WE say. Not an millionaire, expert  "consultant" among our bunch...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/9/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Coffeehouse vs. Bar Entertainment

I've been known to frequent coffeehouses.

I don't so much anymore, but I went through a phase. That phase came after I quit drinking. Then I got tired of that--it's different from drinking in a bar, which mellows you. You sit and get all whacked outta your skull zoomin' and... I suppose you could drink steamed milk or decaf or something but... Anyway. Plus, I'm engaged now and part of the coffeehouse-hanging thing was hoping to meet that Special Someone, of course.

Now when I was a coffeehouse denizen, I ran an open mic and had the hardest time getting people to come out. "They serve booze?"--"No"--"We'll see..." Bastards.

Since that period, I've done far more shows in bar environments--and different types of shows. More comedy and music than poetry, for instance. And I've come to the conclusion that bar entertainment blows away coffeehouse entertainment. Hands down. Whether you drink or not. Just the environment and...all that.

So there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2010:

Ditz wannabe actress named Bessy

of dream, to pro friend, did confess-y.

He said, on the spot,

"I'll do your headshots!"

She didn't think they'd be so messy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2010:

Came across a coupon in our Friday, not Sunday, paper--another genius ploy by traditional media to stave off the Industry Reaper--for... Boudreuax's Butt Paste.

Well... It's actually for a diaper rash cream but... Butt paste?

Seems to us... You know... Whew.

This one's just TOO loaded with innuendo. We can't think straight, bombarded with sick images...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2010:

Toyota sales...up! I ain't joking!

Where's Big Mother, into lives poking?

Why now's its quest shelved--

save folks from themselves?

Just crash death, I guess--not like SMOKING!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2010:

So Obama's Twitter account was hacked and... Hold on. Hold it right there.

Okay, the President of the United States should have a connection to the common man. Shouldn't be too snooty and all. But he should NOT freakin' Twit. (Well, of course somebody other that the POTUS himself does the Twitting, but still.)

Think about it. Arguably the most powerful and important person in the Free World and he relates his crucial messages, affecting millions, perhaps billions, in 420 characters or less (or whatever)?

Oh, and the account was hacked by an unemployed Frenchman. Which somehow relates to the whole Twit/POTUS thing, we're sure, perhaps ironically or something, so have fun with it; we're not in the mood...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/11/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Beach Pal

When I was a kid... Grade school, I think? When I kinda knew about the birds-and-bees thing, but not really, my mother, sister and I took a trip to the local beach, as we were wont to do.

While I was mostly oblivious to the situation, getting in swimming time, as my mom sunned herself, she was hit on by a creepy older guy we dubbed, "The Beach Pal." (After the story was filled-in on the way home in the car.) He had a few choice lines for my mom. "Martinis make me sexy," was one. And he mentioned that his wife was out of town for a few days.

My sister reported that she saw... Well, his nuts hanging out of his swim trunks as he tried making time. My mom thought sis was making that up, but I believe her. Doesn't seem like the type of thing she'd make-up at that point in her life.

I'm not sure HOW oblivious I was concerning what was REALLY going on. At least somewhat, I know. So I'm not sure how much I was joking when, upon hearing an invite, from the Beach Pal to my mom, I offered to watch my sister, should she take him up on the offer.

I imagine I wouldn't be fond of mom cheating on dad, of course.

We still rib my mom, to this day, about the Beach Pal. I recall us taking a ride on our bikes to check-out his address and making up our own song lyrics about the creep. (Cheap Trick's "The Dream Police"--"The Beach Police...they're looking for a Beach Pal..." He hee.)

So that, my friends, is the story of the Beach Pal...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/11/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Enemies

 

We grind them, in kicked up

clouds of dust, from far-off

vantages. There is no time

to discriminate. So

everyone is the enemy,

the enemy is in everyone.

 

Before and after are the worst.

Before, doubts. That can only

be addressed by the order

Engage!

After is terrible, too.

Because what happened

 

stays happened.

A big no stamped

into our lives.

(detachment

just another way

of holding onto it.)

 

But the during is

exactly right.

From so far up

we can't make eye contact,

can't sort out the casual,

almost mosaic pattern

 

of bodies bleeding out

into the dirt.

Vehicles blazing,

smoke rising

from piles of blown up

trash. It's barely real.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2010:

Pres'dent's account, Twitter--hacked, hit!

But most disturbing about it?

Deemed simple 'nuff--feed fer

freakin' Free World's leader--

for four-hundred character Twit?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2010:

An extended sting operation has busted a brothel in Chicago's Chinatown run by... Sheng Quan Dong.

He he... Ho ho... Haw Hawwwww HAWWWW!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2010:

Reasons big airlines are near purged?

Too big, old school--exec pay splurge...

So what's their move to

fight clever and new?

United and U.S. Air... Merge?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2010:

The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has its collective panties in a bunch over KFC's Double Down sandwich, a bun-less number using a pair of chicken patties to sandwich bacon, cheeze and general goodness.

The committee is going so far as to say that KFC should be subject to the same advertising restrictions as imposed on tobacco companies. You know, not being allowed to advertise within 500 yards of a school, etc.?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're making this cliche but... Have with thanked the Big Mother, anti-smoker...er, anti-smoking zealots for what they've started, lately?...

And not to say we told you so but... Okay, yeah. This IS to say, "We told you so"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2010:

Might prompt giggles, first heard, in haste--

a product called "Boudreuax's Butt Paste"!

Though for diaper rash

I'm sure there's been cash

spent by gays for nethers to baste!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2010:

Jon Gosselin, of "Kate & Jon Plus Eight" um...of that show, anyway... Apparently, he's the only man on earth shocked that the show hasn't translated to a Hollywood career.

Okay, now, listen up, all you "reality"...participants--

Although much of what you do isn't shooting for comedy... Well, you know the saying, "We're not laughing AT you, we're laughing WITH you?" Well... It's AT you, Jon. All of you--it's at you...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/14/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dreaming of a Special Burger (You Say...Whatever. He Says, "Kuma.")

...Same burger as the "Kuma Burger." Dreamt about eating a bacon cheeseburger last night. I don't remember where i was eating it, but it was the same burger as the "Kuma Burger." It was a 1/2 lb. burger with bacon, cheddar cheese and a fried egg on top! It was in a pretzel roll too!! Everything like "Kuma's" but there were no hot chicks, just me and the burger.

And I ate it. All. The juice from the burger was dripping down my fingers, and into the palm of my hands. Which I was more than happy to lick off. The ketchup & mustard was oozing off the sides with every bite I took. And I loved it! I love licking those drippings right off of the burger! But if I have to, I will pick up the plate and lick 'em off too! And I did! In my dream.

My hands were ham sandwiches. But it didn't bother me. They got the burger to my face, and into my mouth. All I cared about was getting the burger into my mouth. Next thing I know my wife shuts the bedroom door so she can shower, waking me from my sleep. Hungry. Hungry for a freakin' "Kuma Burger" and some loud-ass metal!!!!...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2010:

It's Tax Day! My, date tends to sober!

Hope refund is your lucky clover!

But we who're freelancing

prepare by de-pantsing--

dead broke? They don't care... Must bend over!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2010:

With newspapers at Death's Door, now grasping for new ways to make themselves relevant, rather than go even more "reality" TV... The Chicago Sun-Times yesterday ran exciting center spread pull-out of... The Chicago sewer system.

Hmm.

Well, in any event, we'll agree that it IS The Shit...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2010:

Though I sure love pleasin' my shlong,

a'pimpin' out po' chicks? Just wrong!

Still, it's hard to frown

when case, Chinatown,

involves a pimp named... Sheng Quan DONG!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2010:

The Oklahoma Tea Party is canoodling with members of the Oklahoma legislature over the need to form a militia, so as to keep the Feds on their toes.

Hmm.

Can't imagine anything going wrong here, no?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/16/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: South Park's "Facebook" Episode

So, sure, it wasn't just a Wednesday episode of "South Park" I'm talkin', but actually TWO Wednesdays ago (we do these "special" sections ahead of time, sometimes) but... Ahem.

I won't go into it and play spoiler. But it pegs EXACTLY how I feel about social networking sites. And Stan Marsh's storyline eerily follows that of my own life. To a point, anyway.

More hay needles on the haystack proving that "South Park" is THE ultimate in animated shows, at least those with a cause. Not that "The Simpsons" doesn't make a "point" at times, but... Blather about "Family Guy" all you want. I'm happy enjoying "South Park" as a semi-secret, along with its secret tools like, say, "plot"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2010:

A chick saw the circus and found

herself with a fetish for...clowns?

Size-twenty shoes sat

soon by her doormat...

Horns honked, pies flew--they went to town!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2010:

Our Chicago Sun-Times yesterday carried a special insert for the upcoming Chicago Blackhawks National Hockey League Stanley Cup Playoff run.

It's a nice, shiny card, a little larger than a standard sheet of paper, on sturdy, shiny poster-board stock emblazoned with the team logo and the phrase, "Let's Go Hawks."

It's nice. Kinda cool. But... Well, just what the hell are we supposed to DO with it?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2010:

Fake "stars"? Yo, "real'ty" folk--that's YOU!

If you think that Hollywood's sat you

at real career table

there's phrase for your fable--

not WITH you, clods, we're laughing AT you!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2010:

The Land Rover has been named the official vehicle of the United States Equestrian Federation.

But... Isn't a horse a vehicle, too?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/18/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pappy's Garden

I've written about my paternal grandpa, whom us grandchildren referred to as "Pappy," numerous times before in this section. Like back in '03, when I wrote about his chicken coop. (See the 'chives, as in ar-, butt-bastards.) I don't know why I point this out. Perhaps some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might recall. Or recall in retrospect--have Pappy ring a bell to you, now that I mention it. But most of you sliploafs wouldn't know if I just re-ran that '03 edition.

Anyway... My paternal grandparents were poor. They both earned less than high school educations. My grandmother was second generation and I believe Pappy was third, but they were still very Old World. Even if you'd erase the Great Depression from their lives, they'd have lived by a "save every cent, wherever you can save it" credo.

I only remember the chicken coop as Pappy's getaway, a type of office where he worked on his stamp collection and got away from Grandma. But it actually boasted chickens, and one rooster at a time, plus a regular flow of eggs, when my dad was growing up--a way to put food on the table and save money. At some point, perhaps he figured the work wasn't worth the savings and ditched it as a chicken farm.

Pappy's garden existed for the same reasons. But he continued with that until his death. And what a garden it was! Corn, carrots, strawberries, lettuce, broccoli, various melons, rhubarb... If it's in your grocery store's produce aisle, he had it. Well, with some exotic exceptions--he didn't have, say, star fruit.

I've done some gardening myself. Enough to know that I inherited Pappy's green thumb, or at least the largely uncultivated gene for it. Last year, M'Lady and I planted some stuff on a teeny-weeny plot of land by her former apartment. It brought us very little in the way of actual fruits and veggies--and an especially chilly Midwestern summer didn't help--but what it DID bring was delicious.

And I've helped my dad out with gardens over the years, too. So I know how tough it can be to get things to grow, what with weather, weeding, varmints eating stuff... Some years, it seems, you can't get a good harvest even when you do all the right things.

But Pappy ALWAYS had a great harvest. Sure, some things would bomb on certain years. You need a really hot summer for decent watermelons, so those didn't always shine. Or maybe one year a coon munched all the lettuce. But every year, most everything came out kick-ass.

Pappy was the type of guy who... Well, when my parents were building their current home, more than 30 years ago, Pappy wandered around the plot of land and came back with all this stuff--seeds, berries, leaves. Said it was all edible. And I guess it was--I didn't die from trying it. Some of it was tasty, much of it was not. But Pappy knew how to live off the land.

He didn't use pesticides. But he had all of these Old World means of keeping critters away. He'd hang strips of cloth from wires, for instance. The wind would blow and scare rodents off. Strange stuff like that. But the stuff worked.

I've learned some of Pappy's gardening lessons through my dad, of course. But I wish I would've learned more. Wish I would've been older and more capable of REALIZING I'd want to know more about gardening some day.

But I'll never forget the wonderland of towering vegetation that was Pappy's Garden. Their home was close to the airport and by a busy street, but you could walk into that garden and hide from it all...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/18/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Good secrets

 

It seems like she knows

a good secret or two.

The number of steps

it takes to get from

the door to the car?

 

The urge to check

the alarm clock even

after it's been set?

 

Does she know all

the blues? I can start

it off. Blue. Blue-green.

Aquamarine. Turquoise.

Periwinkle...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2010:

Equestrian group has endorsed

Land Rover, as matter of course,

as "Official Vehicle"?

Seems more agreeable

to me to name... Well, the horse.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2010:

In describing the benefits of President Obama's plan to land Americans on one of our solar system's asteroids, White House science advisor John Holdren says the process of giving an asteroid a "well-timed nudge"--you know, in case an troublesome 'roid, perhaps of the size that killed-off the dinosaurs, was ever heading toward Earth--will "demonstrate once and for all that we're smarter than the dinosaurs."

We beg to differ but... Have we proved conclusively that the dinosaurs did NOT watch "reality" TV?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2010:

U.S. goal--nudge ast'roid--will be

final proof, says White House, that we

have smarts that are more

than the dinosaurs...

Not 'til we've stopped "real" TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2010:

Let today's Limerick serve as a correction, of sorts, for yesterday's S&Y entry. See, we might've, sorta communicated the OPPOSITE of what we were trying to say, because we... Oh, just tiptoe through the Archives, view yesterday's edition and we're sure you can figure it out...

On the early campaign trail... Er, at a Canadian speaking engagement, Sarah Palin said that many people, thanks to her accent, think she's Canadian.

Hmmm. Rumors that Sarah Palin wasn't born in the United States? Hop to it, Birthers!...

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Toyota to Recall 600 K Sienna Minivans"

Should those guys even be allowed to make freakin' BIG WHEELS anymore?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2010:

So Palin says, while out tea-baggin',

"Canadian," some her are taggin',

for accent. New Case!

Not born in The States?

Yo Birthers, hop to it! Quit laggin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2010:

Over this past weekend, American Movie Classics aired "The Shining."

Funny, but it's now newsworthy when AMC shows an actual, undeniable "classic"...

So... The Goldman-Sachs fiasco.

The guy who ran the business into the ground's name? Fabrice Tourre.

Not that we're advocating judging a book by its cover, so to speak, or that we're...I guess you'd call it "name-ist" but... C'mon. You can't give much power, at least of the unsupervised sort, to someone named Fabrice Tourre.

Oh, and as long as we're doing Pulitzer-quality analytical reporting here... The firm representing Fab? Allen & Overy LLP... He hee... Out to convince the jury that he's a good egg, after all... Haw hawww!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/21/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Shoes That Taste Good

I went down to Southern/Central Illinois, just near/in/and around Springfield, Illinois, just to eat a meal called the "Horseshoe" and the "Breakfast Shoe!" This was an amazing meal and totally worth the drive!

First, the "Horseshoe"... Two pieces of toast, topped with yer choice of meat (ham, bacon, pork tenderloin, turkey, or hamburger), then it's smothered in melted/pourable cheese and it's topped of with French fries. "Monte-licious!"

The "Breakfast Shoe"... Toast (buttered) or biscuits, topped with hash browns, eggs and white sausage gravy. Super "Monte-licious!"

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2010:

AMC? "The Shining"! Fantastic!

Not, say, oh... "Catwoman"? (Assblastic!)

Did not hear much buzz,

but newsworthy 'cause

it's rare that they show a true "classic"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2010:

Does anybody out there remember a simpler time? Two, maybe three years ago, before the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun"?

Before every restaurant was offering something, "Tuscan"? For Elvis' sake, even Pizza Hut's in on it now. Can the McTuscan be far behind?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2010:

Things Tuscan? Heard tell of, must say.

But now they just won't go away!

Chick flick, Diane Lane,

and now they're my bane--

fast food has damned Tuscan entrees!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2010:

The leading reasons young would-be recruits are rejected by the U.S. military today?

Too fat.

In fact, a veterans' group fears for national security over the epidemic.

Maybe we should just accept 'em and stress that the terrorists hate our freedom...to eat Ding-Dongs...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/23/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Stanley Cup Playoffs Unfold!

...So there ya' go.

Not into 'em? Well, then entertain yourself, as the titular wisdom goes... (He hee... "Titular")...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2010:

There once was a fella named Dubin

eyed chick for whom he grilled a reuben.

She was so attractive

with corned beef got "active"--

and extras made her meal a "pube-in"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2010:

Amid this period of budget cutbacks, I was amazed to find a mini-homeless shelter in my locale, city-to-suburbs train station, Chicago's Union Station.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Tucked inside the bustling commuter mecca, I found a place where the homeless can wash-up, nap, hang-out, etc. Conveniently located right in the men's room!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2010:

The milit'ry figured some stats--

rejected recruits, where that's at.

Drugs? Crime? Weak and wheezin'?

No! Seems biggest reason's

now simply that they're freakin' fat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2010:

Five airlines have requested exceptions from a law, set to go into effect this week, forbidding airlines from trapping passengers on the tarmac for more than three hours.

Gather 'round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you about a time when folks viewed a plane trip as a fun diversion from everyday life...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/25/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Return of Hair

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. There are pluses and, of course, minuses... Oh, and I'm not talking about the musical about hippies.

I'm talking about hair returning to my own head.

See, back in... It was 1996 or 1997, and I wrote this sketch/playlette about the "Peanuts" gang, all grown up and Gen X and I, of course, played Charlie Brown. I said at the time that if it were to progress to a decent venue (having done it at a dive bar's open mic, first), I'd shave my head, ala Charlie Brown (although I now understand that Charles M. Schulz was actually drawing a buzz cut on Chuck).

Well, a larger venue called, I shaved my head, I met the woman who would one day become my ex-wife, who was into the shaved-head look, I realized how easy it was to just buzz myself (rarely clean-shaving from that point), saved money on haircuts... So I stuck with the look. Always thought my actual hair looked funny, needed SOMETHING, but something hard to put a finger on... Yeah.

M'Lady now, aka my fiance, likes a little hair on my head. My mother has complained about the head shaving all along. I've been letting it grow slightly longer between buzzes over time and so, after an acting part that required a near-shave for the shoots... I've been letting it grow.

Sorta.

I'm still gonna buzz it, but use a longer attachment.

Some say it makes me look younger. I say it's a pain to once again get my hair dry before leaving the house. I also say that it looks a little weird to me, especially when I look in the mirror taking my first whiz of the day, but that might be because I haven't seen much of my hair in so long.

I guess waiting for my hair to dry won't be an issue, with summer around the corner. Then again, a baldish head is much cooler in the summer... Oh, did I mention I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this hair thing?

Did I mention that I'm sure as hell not gonna start paying for haircuts again, especially in my marginally employed state?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/25/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Chmielecki...

 

...Is covered in volcanic ash at the moment. Accursed Verse will return to its regularly scheduled slot next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2010:

Seemed strange, amid state budget gloom--

funds for social services doomed--

when to suburbs roamed (rest),

found shelter for homeless,

brand new--in train station's bathroom!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2010:

A woman has been ticketed in France for a form of distracted driving--wearing a Muslim face veil.

And we thought being "dangerously blinded by religion" was only a metaphor...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2010:

In France, driving with veil? Fine scored!

Causing, of course, quite an uproar

faith-addled, among--

blind by religion?

Thought that was just a metaphor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2010:

Skin care parties are chick things, right? Seems a given.

Then I (Chiefy checked-in, here) stumbled across a little questionnaire card for an individual who organizes such parties--and found this--

"Do you want to share your facial with anyone else?"

Hell, now it sounds like a bachelor party event!...

Happy Extra Cheezy...er, Tuesday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2010:

Sienna--new time bomb revealed!

On top of all others concealed!

Now really, Toyota,

you've passed lemon quota--

should not even make kids' Big Wheels!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2010:

You've all heard of back-handed compliments, right?

Well... Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Mortgage Fraud Increases at Slower Rate in '09"

That's what's called, "Back-handed 'good' news"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/28/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Good Burger is Like a Soul Mate

You want a Burger? Quick? With pourable cheddar cheese and grill marks on the burger? MUSKIES!!! (Chicago.) The original. 2878 N. Lincoln. The owner is named "Don Johnson!" I go there when I need a burger in a pinch. They're quick, they get you in 'n' out in just minutes. I suggest you take it to go--and eat in the trunk of yer car.

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2010:

One thing that airlines cannot do--

trap folks long on tarmac--with new

rules, Big Airline fights?

Remember when flight

on airplane, one looked forward to?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2010:

A record 45.4 million viewers tuned-in this year to watch the NFL draft.

Yet again, another situation meant to be mere metaphor becomes reality--in this case, TV viewers more than willing to watch grass grow...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2010:

By Goldman-Sachs, we've all been fleeced!

Brought economy to its knees!

Feds wrist-slap, called "busting"!

This happens, when trusting,

ANYONE with name like, "Fabrice"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2010:

Attention all artsy-farts:

The word is spelled "theater," not "theatre," on this side of the pond.

Make note of it...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/30/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Yet Another Hockey Game Annoyance

With the Stanley Cup Playoffs raging into a second round, it's time for me to weigh-in again about hockey-related practices that need be given the ax--and quick--so that... Well, so that everyone can ignore my fine and wise suggestions, to be truthful.

It seems that in most every hockey stadium, or perhaps every single one, for all I know, when the home team goes on a power play, some deep-voiced announcer (or a recording of said announcer) babbles out, in a "scary monster" affected voice, something about a "[Team name] POWER PLAY!"

Knock it off. Lame. Lame as all hell. Laming of the Shrew...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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