Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2010:

Baseball's injured list oft runs high.

Not rare. But that Chris Coghlan guy's

sure got my attention!

Perhaps I should mention--

pulled muscle while throwing...a pie?!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2010:

Singer/actress Jennifer Hudson's family was victimized by violence and murder in 2008...which we won't go into here. Look it up if you need to.

Now, as she's moved on with her life... Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"How Hudson's Tragedy Inspired Bon Jovi Song"

The tragedies never seem to end surrounding Ms. Hudson...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/1/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: What REALLY Made White Hen Pantry Special

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know I've prattled on about White Hen Pantry several times over the years. In this space and elsewhere in DL.

Non-long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Well, White Hen was a convenience store. Like a 7-11 or AM/PM. It wasn't nationwide. Not sure where its reach extended, but it was in the Midwest. Actually, some White Hens still exist. But 7-11 bought the chain and decided that, in areas where there were a certain number of stores within a certain radius, they'd have some keep the White Hen name, rather than risk a 7-11 deluge.

But rest assured, those stores are really 7-11s masquerading as White Hens.

There may be some independent White Hens around still, not sure, but... In any event, for the most part, White Hen is no more.

So why do I pine for White Hen? Sure, a part of it is comfort and resistance to change. As, when White Hens still thrived, I'd meet people who moved to Chicago from, say, the West Coast who'd harp, "Where are all the 7-11s? I don't like White Hen so much."

When you've grown up with something, it's "the best." Completely subjectively, but nobody can tell you otherwise.

Part of my White Hen nostalgia stems from the fact that they had better sandwiches. I consider that to be objective. I think they had a better overall selection in items, wider variety...but I'll admit that I might be dwelling along the comfort/objectivity border on that one.

It's White Hen candy that keeps the store firmly in memory.

Where I grew up, or at least where I grew up from age 2 until junior high, we had a White Hen within walking distance. It was just across a field from my elementary school, thus we could walk there often, with parental approval, as we didn't have to cross any busy streets.

And walk to White Hen we did, often, whenever we somehow ended up with kid income.

Candy bars... Remember the Reggie (Jackson) Bar, anyone? Remember when Chunky was everywhere? Razzles, Bottlecaps... More often than not, however, with little money to work with, we bought two-cent candy.

Hey, I'm not old enough to remember penny candy. But two-cent candy may in fact date me, I suppose.

White Hen's candy selection seemed like heaven. Sometimes, I'd head there knowing exactly what I wanted... "Can't wait to get some Bit-O-Honeys and that Gator Gum"! Sometimes, I'd lollygag with a purchase, like an adult looking at cars or entertainment centers or some such.

White Hen Pantry brings all sorts of memories--many related right here in Sunday Story Time. It was where I first resisted the peer pressure urge to steal, watching the neighbor kid, Kurt, get busted with pockets chock full o' two-cent candy. It was where, almost 15 years later, I DID steal--in college, a can of chewing tobacco, not because I didn't want to pay but because I was drunk and didn't want to wait in line!

It was a kid trip to White Hen that brought the memory of, my mother having given us candy money and White Hen approval on the condition we bring back a gallon of milk, us making my little sister lug the milk, ignoring her cries of "It's too heavy!"...and watching her drop the gallon on the sidewalk, busting open, running off crying, all of us getting in trouble... (Sigh.)

But, really, what I most remember about White Hen Pantry is being a kid, standing in front of their candy selection.

Have I mentioned... (Sigh)?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/1/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Trapped under a bunch of heavy boxes, having moved mid-July.

Be patient. Accursed Verse should return next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2010:

Jen Hudson's dark tale that's unfurled

spurred Bon Jovi to take a whirl

at song on that theme.

Hey, hasn't fate deemed

enough tragedy 'round that girl?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2010:

We glanced over a column in our "Sports" section reviewing new book releases about and by members of the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) and UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) leagues and... Huh?

But... Most of those fans can't actually READ!?!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2010:

Through best of sports books, column weeds--

read headline and skimmed past the lead...

Found we have, today,

books on... MMA?

I didn't think those fans could read!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2010:

Of all the, um, "major" sports leagues, the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association) gets the highest grade for "diversity."

Makes perfect sense. Seems that every race, color, creed, sexual orientation...ignores it equally...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2010:

Study finds that... Sports league that leads

in diversity--peeps and deeds?

Dub'y-NBA!

Makes sense in a way--

ignored by all races and creeds!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2010:

Sheesh. When will this Great Recession end? Not only does it seem that EVERYBODY we talk to is making some sort of sacrifice, if not worried about becoming homeless, but... The Daily Limerick, er, Towers are in what's known as a fairly "trendy" neighborhood of Chicago. Not as bad off as many areas.

Recently, we... Aw, what the hell--Chief Limericist checking-in, here. Ahem.

Recently I took a turn down a street near the, um, Towers and noted a number of closed businesses.

Not just ANY businesses. And not silly ones, like the all-sunglasses store I remember a while back. Bars, restaurants, clothing shops--all of the sort that one would've thunk of, a mere few years ago, "That place is always hoppin'--it'll never close!"

That little stretch seemed a ghost town. I was waiting for sagebrush to blow down the street. Once thriving, now near-deserted... It was like... Oh, MySpace or something...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 8/4/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: So Saturday is National Mustard Day...

Truth is, I hated mustard most of my life. Seriously (not that you thought I was joking). Anyway, today I love mustard... Well, only yellow. I do not like Dijon mustards at all!!!

The reasons I hated mustard as a kid were 1) the taste; too tart for me as a child; and 2) I grew up with this kid, Javier Vasquez, who once said he was the first white kid on the block--and he was Hispanic; Javier used to squeeze mustard packets into his mouth at lunch, smile, and lick his teeth; it was frickin' gross--and funny--but it was gross enough to keep me away from mustard 'til I was in my early twenties.

Now I like it--yellow only. And I like because of accidentally eating it on a Maxwell St. hot dog at 2 a.m. one night. I took a bite, tasted something different and...delicious. It was mustard--and it wasn't in Javier's crooked smile. Yea!!! Mustard!!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2010:

New biz closed-down--seemed a hip place!

The economy, at this pace,

with all the shut-downs

will make 'hood ghost town--

a non-'Net version of...MySpace!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2010:

As of today--and the very start of today, midnight, on the dot, when we vigilantly...okay, semi-vigilantly post the new DL edition--we have but one week left of the Dog Days of Summer, which have an official definition and all that, blah blah blah.

On one hand... Yeah. Slow news days. Caught us with our witticism down.

On the other... Ya' gotta admit, this is a relentless freakin' summer. So hitting the one-week-left point for the worst part of it's a bleepin' holiday in our book...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2010:

For most folks, wond'ring where full dreams went,

those media shrinks on the scene vent

that therapy's needed!

But, 'fore advice heeded...

Where's paycheck come from? How convenient!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline that dooms itself--

"Guys Take Pricey Class on How to Court Women"

And the deck on that headline?--

"Not Social Misfits..." Ahem.

Really? We're confused. Read this edition from the beginning again and just try to make sense of this...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/6/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pfft!

Thanks for all the response, seeking to take over duties for this weekly feature, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! As we've been seeking for...what, is it a month now? Months?

Ya' scrot-chompers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2010:

There once was a girl named MacDougal

whose time management was so frugal

surfed Web--during sex!--

which cause strange effects--

now she cums whenever she's Googled!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2010:

We've heard/read from numerous folks lately--from friends and acquaintances to pundits both famous and "famous"--that Lady Gaga is apparently "copying" Madonna.

Outrageous, sexy costumes. "Controversial" statements.

So... You can copyright that stuff?

Trying to recall whether Madonna was accused of "copying," say...Mae West? Wondering if Mae West was accused of "copying"...someone Vaudevillian? Who in turn was accused of "copying"...the first freakin' cavewoman who wore a thong fur?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2010:

Some say Lady Gaga's fame quest

was stole from Madonna's war chest.

Wild costumes, shock drama--

that's "owned" by Madonna?

Are these dolts forgetting... Mae West?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2010:

As of midnight, officially, calendar-wise, we're half-way through this God-forsaken, sweltering summer.

Well, in the Midwest, anyway. The swelter and all. We're half-way through summer everywhere, of course, not just the Midwest... Except, of course, in the Southern Hemisphere, where they're probably half-way through winter now... Or on other planets... Ahem.

Oh, there are other reasons we're dubbing this "God-forsaken." See below.

Do you think we have Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers from other planets?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/8/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming Soon to Sunday Story Time...

...Another exciting, serialized tale begins, doling out one chapter per week, ala "The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate" (which ran in 2006-07; see the Archives, nutclutches)... Coming this fall!...

Okay, okay. We'll give you a hint--

The bathroom doorknob was covered in... Was it...lube? Yes, judging from other clues, it was indeed covered in lube...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/8/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Incongruous

 

A chain's length of calls.

Uncle George in the hospital.

Following an unforeseen emergency,

his heart has been repaired

-- it's not as bad as the

doctors first thought --

but now he is in

Some Place, Mass.,

in a bed, as a patient,

in an induced coma.

 

Wait, when

and why does his heart

need repairing? This man

with the nasal laugh

and crazy facial hair,

who memorably produced

a tuba from its case

to play Christmas carols

(with his wife on French horn)

after that big Thanksgiving meal

last year.

 

(Now we don't even know

if we can visit him

this weekend.)

 

I can't remember, did he ever

learn that banjo he bought?

Does he ever go out in the

earliest blinking light,

strap it on, play it for

the pigs in the shed, the ones

who ate the nails that fell

from the roof when my dad

and brother were fixing it?

 

The same man who let turkeys

roost and shit on his kitchen floor

because he and Mary felt

it was too cold outside

to leave them to the

troubled whims of winter?

 

This man is now so far under sleep

that he will need help to push back up.

How?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2010:

Half this summer's under our belts!

(Far too hot and humid, I've felt.)

Sun fun? I'll do all

to reap and, by fall,

just hope my balls don't freakin' melt!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2010:

So yet another bicyclist was in my way this past weekend, oblivious to the world around her, apparently entitled to the right of way over all others...while I was steering a grocery-getting cart down the sidewalk.

See, motorists? You're not the only ones annoyed by them. They're the bane of all Humanity.

In fact, a few were a little perturbed, too, when the smug bitch cut THEM off...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2010:

If you think bike riders to be

annoyance to just drivers--the

other day, cut-off

with...granny cart, scoffed?

They're bane of all Humanity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2010:

So who's the Fashion World's gay man--we're assuming it's not a straight woman--behind the preponderance of women wearing BOOTS this summer?

Boots. In this Summer o' Swelter?

Enjoy the fashion show! Relax, kick off your boots--and watch folks die-off from the overpowering stench...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2010:

Decree from High Fashion Court bench

threw out a well-lubed monkey wrench!

Chicks, gays in cahoots

ruled THIS summer...boots?

Removal can cause death by stench!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2010:

A new TV show is debuting, combining elements of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" called, "Bachelor Pad."

Which means... You know how we've been saying all along that the human race has finished evolving and is now de-evolving? Becoming more stupid, rude, inept, infertile? Perhaps as part of greater Evolution, as nothing else is killing us off and war, disease, etc. ain't doin' the trick?

Well now, apparently, we're Evolving in our ability to De-Evolve. The pace is quickening... On a related note, Halloween items are just starting to see marketing in our Sunday paper.

The fright element, of course, ties this all together nicely...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 8/11/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Blueberries

Blueberries!!! Summer brings sweet, delicious blueberries!!! I love 'em, easily one of my favorite snacks to eat. But buying them in the store, at least the organic kind (which is what you SHOULD buy) can be very expensive.

My advice? Take a drive to any organic farm in the country. (From Chicago, it's a short, two-hour drive to Michigan, where you can pick 'em yourself.) There, they are around two bucks a pound. Pick a lot of 'em.

Now here's the trick to makin 'em last throughout the winter.... When you bring 'em home, clean 'em off well, then place them on a wax paper-covered cookie sheet, still wet--and not in a pile, but evenly spread out. You then freeze those little suckers. After they have frozen all the way through, vacuum seal 'em and save 'em in the freezer for the remainder of the year.

Now you have fresh blueberries, whenever you want 'em, at a great price!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2010:

"Bach'lor Pad" shows human resolve--

"real'ty's" martini? The Ol've!

Now Humanity

grows to more swiftly

and efficiently de-evolve!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2010:

At last! As of today, stroke of midnight and all that, we're officially out of the Dog Days of Summer, which have an official designation, with the Dog Star Sirius highest in the sky, yadda yadda blah blah.

Now, if only the actual weather will cooperate and lay-off the swelter...

And we're just realizing that the end of the Dog Days coincides with the anniversary of the Tenth Anniversary National Poetry Slam's Limerick Slam (1999), an event the Chief Limericist hosted, prompting him to begin a silly Limerick e-mail list to promote the event starting a month ahead of time... Yeah.

We sometimes make a dilly out of it. But, again, this is the let-down Eleventh Anniversary year, so there ya' go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2010:

It's Friday the Thirteenth! How rockin'!

Though hype's mostly mild (say, no stockings)

this one, birthday brings--

of Alfred, Scare King--

so mark it with vig'rous Hitchcockin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2010:

It's a rare(-ish) Friday the 13th, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! So make sure and do something...you know, spooky or whatever.

Considering the weather this year, we recommend a Caribbean and/or New Orleans-y theme. Say...voodoo. Maybe make a doll to represent someone you don't like, get some pins and...ouch!

Anyway, as we were saying... Yow! Sheesh... Ouch!... Damn... Owwwww!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/13/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahem...

Anybody been payin' attention to this one lately?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2010:

An old hooker had heart attack,

but had saved, to pick up the slack.

The time off was great

But she couldn't wait

to get back on...well, on her back!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2010:

A survey by Nutrisystem of 1,000 adults finds that half of women and a quarter of men would, if given a choice, prefer going a summer without sex to the gaining of 10 pounds.

The irony being, of course, that the two tend to go together...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2010:

Sex-free summer, most polled would chose

o'er weight gain, study does construe.

Choice brings irony--

choose weight-gain and the

summer'd likely be sex-free, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2010:

Friends and family were briefly unable to mail smokes to our troops overseas, thanks to the Prevent All Cigarette Trafficking Act of 2009, which aims to prevent cigarette smuggling, which wasn't an issue until the history-ignorant Big Mother Movement pushed cig taxes high enough to cause it.

The situation was quickly rectified, but, nonetheless, it's now official--the Do-Gooder Health Nazis do NOT support our troops!

Cue the protests!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/15/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Dad and the Batting Glove

Like most American males, I played baseball as a child. Tee-ball and Little League. And also like most American boys, I wanted to be a pro baseball player "when I grew up"--although I eventually preferred (American) football (and also wanted to be a pro football player "when I grew up").

Part of the reason football won out with me over baseball was that... Well, I was awful at baseball. And good at football. Now, baseball in general requires more manual dexterity than football, but the funny thing is that I had the coordination to stickhandle well for, say, hockey, but not to hit a zooming baseball. Go figure.

Consequently, my adult sports fandom focuses on sports I was actually good at. Huge football and hockey fan. Not so much for baseball. Basketball even less--I was perhaps even more lousy at basketball than baseball.

But I digress. Which is generally the whole point of this site, sure, but... Still.

Fellow Little Leaguers were sporting nicer equipment than I. I was especially envious of batting gloves. So I asked my dad to get me a nice batting glove.

He said, "When you become a great baseball player, then you get a great batting glove."

The advice irked me at the time, of course, but now it cries, "wisdom."

If my dad would've bought me a nice batting glove, I'd have still stunk--although I would've stunk in style. Not to mention that I would throw in the towel on baseball in another year or so, batting glove or not.

Oddly enough, the situation that reminded me of this early childhood incident came from playing with a rock band in high school--a pursuit that led me to throw in the towel on high school athletics. I played bass and had a decent ax, I suppose. Not used or old or super-cheap. But not top-of-the-line, either.

Another guy in our band was always buying the latest, expensive, hot guitars. His parents sorta spoiled him. Other guitar players were jealous of his instruments.

Our band had two guitarists, as was the norm for heavy metal bands at the time. And the one with the expensive guitars? He wasn't the better guitarist. The better guitarist's axes... Well, they were more in line with my bass. Decent but not top-of-the-line.

So the moral of the story is... Treat yourself only once you're a good player on the field of life. Unless you're a spoiled, rich bastard. Or something...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/15/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Off being, you know, Mike or something. His Accursed Verse will return next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2010:

Anti-cig smuggling act brought, "Oops!"

Send servicemen smokes? Must jump hoops!

Cig smuggling? Thanks, taxes!

Do-Gooders join Axis

of Evil--they don't support troops!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2010:

I'm often mystified with how my "mental soundtrack" works.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

The other day, found myself humming a song from INXS. Couldn't imagine why--and, as these things go, figured I'd likely never know what put that in my head.

Then I returned to reading my newspaper a stumbled again upon an article about teens killing themselves by playing "The Choking Game."

Funny how that works, huh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2010:

Checked world site stats... Norway... Japan... It

occurred to us... China's likes ban it?

Do we cause a fuss?

What if they read us--

Daily Limerick--on other planets?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2010:

"Reality" TV, er..."star" Tila Tequila was pelted with stones and feces during a Southern Illinois music fest.

It's the little things, really, that arise out of nowhere to renew our hope in the Human Race...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2010:

Try to be optimistic dude

but Human Race hope? It eludes!

Read Tila Tequila

pelted with poop! Feel a

warm glow--it's that Hope bein' renewed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2010:

Headline from a Chicago Tribune e-mail news update--

"'No Time Is Clobberin' Time'--Dr. Sharon Lamb On Superheroes"

After our, er, editorial board mulled this news item over, we've come up with an, um, statement--

Dr. Lamb...shut up. Just shut the hell up...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 8/18/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Best Burger (in Chicago, Anyway)

It was the BEST BURGER I have had in recent memory--the Big Jones Burger!!! It is pricey, $14!! But I can't think of a better burger. Period!

Big Jones is on Clark Street in Andersonville, Chicago. 5347 N. Clark St., to be exact. It is ground in-house--they grind the meat themselves!!! It really tastes so freakin' good, I can't order anything else when I go there, which means I will eat a portion of yer goods, if you go to eat with me.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2010:

Some doctor (who needs to get schtupped!)

says that superheroes corrupt

kids' role model sense

by using violence!

Our measured response? Just shut up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2010:

On Monday we wrote about the frighteningly bizarre trend among teens of playing the "Choking Game," which is, of course, inherently dangerous--even resulting in deaths--in order to obtain a buzz through the lack of oxygen to the brain.

Now, we've been mulling this over in the, um, newsroom and we have a tip for youngsters regarding a safer way to do this.

Not that youngsters should be reading THIS--not that ANYBODY should be reading this, really--but pass it along to yours or those of friends and family.

When we were kids, we'd indulge what we called a "Polish drunk"--and I can rip the poleocks (SIC?--will anybody ever tell me how that's to be spelled?), being a quarter Polish myself (Chief Limericist here). We'd spin ourselves round and round until we got dizzy.

Great fun, no stifling of your breathing.

Try it. No need to go all INXS for a cheap buzz...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2010:

"The Choking Game?" Stop kids, because

can knock you from "living" to "was"!

Spin 'round, 'round--get busy--

feel drunken, so dizzy!

As kids, we called it, "Polish buzz"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2010:

Much discussion has ensued, most of it comedic (or at least "comedic"), regarding laundry washers/dryers and how they mysteriously tend to "lose" things, like one sock from a pair.

But I haven't heard much about (Chief Limericist checking-in, here)... Well, perhaps my washer has more Evil Magic than most, but... See, when I wash shirts and such with logos, I turn them inside-out first. I read somewhere that it's supposed to help preserve the logo.

And my washer... Well, it turned one of my shirts BACK to...inside-right, or whatever you call it.

I swear. And it was a clean turn, too--it wasn't like, oh, a sleeve or something remained inside-out. It was like somebody'd actually opened the washer and... (Shiver.)

So, yeah...

Happy Extra Cheezy... Almost Saturday!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/20/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hello?...

...Is this thing on? I know you're out there; I can hear you mouth-breathing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2010:

A hot queer's non-stop acts of Sodom--

liked guy, he just flirted...and got 'em!--

led to booze addiction.

Rehab brought quick fixin'--

he'd already hit many "bottoms"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2010:

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

Whoops! We typically place, you know, actual CONTENT before that weekly greeting but... Aw, the hell with it...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2010:

Freaked-out at work and popped a beer-o

so now Steven Slater's a...hero?

Forgive us, 'Net mobs--

we looking for jobs--

if don't join in the Great Cheer-o.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2010:

Do any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers share this peeve?

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Now, I know I'm far from unique in being unemployed, underemployed and/or marginally employed. So I spend hours upon hours researching jobs, applying for jobs, crafting cover letters, networking... And part of that includes checking into my accounts on the anti-social networking site.

Why? Because you're "supposed" to. Has anything positive ever come out of it? Other than now being able to say I was cyber-stalked? No, but then again, it often seems I should just chuck the resumes and cover letters out the window when e-applying for jobs and... Well, this is stuff you're "supposed" to do.

Now, applying for freakin' jobs is at least the amount of work of a part-time job. And one that's completely unrewarding. Sick to hell of it.

Then I see, on Facebook, friends (and "friends"), whom I know to be gainfully employed...constantly listed as updating their vacation pics and freakin' farm game whatever-the-hell.

During obvious work hours.

Which might provide a clue as to my job-finding problem.

I'm a dinosaur. I need to adjust to the modern work world.

Seems that outdated "work ethic" crap has just got to go...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/22/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Little Clocks

I'm a pocket watch kinda guy.

I'm not sure why, but I've liked 'em since I was a shaver. The only thing I can recall from childhood that would've spawned this is the rabbit in the original, animated "Alice in Wonderland," being "late for a very important date" and checking his pocket watch, which went well with the rest of his foppish wear...but that doesn't sit right with me.

I like cartoons in most forms, and the rabbit's cool and all but... He's certainly not my favorite "Alice" character. Nor even ONE OF my favorites from the flick. Nonetheless, I can't figure where else I would've gotten the pocket watch thing from.

Despite my love of pocket watches, I've been thwarted in my efforts to utilize them. I've had many over the years and in fact currently have a couple but--and this relates to the overall problem--they're busted. I've fixed them, and they've re-busted. I have the frame to a little wooden number I carried for a while, handmade by an artist, but the mini-clock nestled within the wood frame was lost, fell out somewhere, and I'm not sure where to find another mini-clock... Yeah.

I have one that belonged to a great-grandmother, with a date carved in it of 1901...but it's more of a necklace-watch. And being an heirloom, antique, etc., anyway, I haven't carried that one around, thanks largely to my proclivity for losing them and such.

So what do I do? The next best thing, sorta--I carry these mini-clocks around, rather than doing something rash like, oh, using a wristwatch like everyone else. (Or everyone else who doesn't just use a cell phone to keep time.)

I've used the cheapo clocks with the sticky backs that are meant for mounting on a car's dashboard. I've only purchased a couple--the things last forever (I've rarely even changed their batteries) and they keep great time. Currently, I'm using a Radio Shack mini-travel alarm clock.

See, I thought I lost a dashboard clock, so, finding that I'm perhaps the only dinosaur in the market for such a clock--meaning, nobody's selling them anymore--I bought that at the Shack, before re-finding the dashboard one, having not lost it at all, only misplaced it, but I stuck with the travel clock because it has a temperature feature and... Yeah.

So there ya' go. I'm the goof with the mini-clocks. Maybe you can find a moral in this or something; maybe it's just useless...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/22/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: We'll figure it out

 

I can see behind the plastic tongues

and purple juice commercials. Something

is shifting in space, vibrating through

the now. We were too content just sitting

here; this thing won't let us. It's going

to gut by gem-hard fire what we thought

was most important about life and happiness.

(those definitions shifting, too)

 

We'll stand on the smoking wreck

of our preconceptions, our beauty,

and figure it out from there.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2010:

Log-on to Facebook? I'm annoyed!

"Friends" updates? All day, Farm Games toyed!

Can't find decent job

so I almost sob--

I know most're gainf'ly employed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2010:

There's a goofy phrase from an old dark beer commercial that I mentioned on this site some time back.

We'll get to it.

Anyway... Every week I check my site stats, which includes the most common search phrases to land here on Daily Limerick.

Somehow, again and again, I see... "Thick-necked guys named Gunther."

The beer commercial phrase.

New fetish or something?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2010:

Now comics have long prattled 'bout--

though logic laws cloud it in doubt--

how laundry machines

steal socks! But my scene

turned evil--turned shirt inside-out!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2010:

Came across a feel-good people feature in our Chicago Sun-Times featuring a 10-year-old boy named Joey McGuire, who's dubbed as "A Junior [Donald] Trump" for starting his own shoeshine business.

It is said that early sci-fi author and visionary Jules Verne not only predicted many future technological developments, but also said that the airplane "would never amount to more than a toy."

So we'll forgive young Joey for also striking out into a hopelessly doomed industry--by also starting his own (he hee) newspaper... Haw haw HAWWWW!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2010:

Not summer, not fall--temps can sway,

from hour-to-hour, either ol' way...

Like Limbo! Football!...

Or beach 'fore last call?

Dare think?... Four months 'til Christmas Day?!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2010:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed that we've been...takin' it a little easy on the content, as of late.

Late summer, some stressful shit goin' down with the Chief Limericist (some of which will be explained in Sunday Story Time this fall)... But we shouldn't be making excuses.

Do we need to make excuses after Eleven Years of this? Every freakin' day?

Ahem.

Anyway... We wanted to apologize and, with today's edition, put our noses back to the grindstone and such.

Well, maybe not today...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 8/25/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Sub-Continent--in Chicago

Today we're gettin a little fancy. Veerasway for Indian food. That's right, fine dining for all yer Indian needs.Tthey are located at 844 W. Randolph and don't valet, but there is always some parking, somewhere. This place is pricey McDicey, but is really delicious. I usually do Devon Avenue for Indian--this is nowhere near there, and it's still good.

The tandoori chicken is delicious, as well as the chicken tikka masala. they have excellent scallops, appetizers and really great desserts you won't find at a typical Indian place. Like chocolate pie!

So next time you feel like treatin' yerself, and you wanna give somewhere new a try, try Veerasway for Indian.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2010:

O'er Ground Zero 'hood, pundits mixin'

it up. Does a mosque there need nixin'?

Recession's dark plight?

Seems the Bill of Rights

is last thing, right now, that needs "fixin'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2010:

A traffic jam in China extends 60 miles and has gone beyond its 10th day--and could last well into September.

Now, we realize that the entire world emulates Hollywood and the Greater Los Angeles area, but this is taking things too far...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2010:

Chinese traffic jam's line of cars

goes 60 miles! And though it's par

for course--the world's way--

to copy L.A...

Well this simply goes way too far!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"DEA Seeking Ebonics Translators"

You'd think that... Hmm. It would seem to us... Ahem.

We'll just leave the world alone on this one. On auto-pilot. Making fun of itself...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/27/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Literally

I mean literally "Entertain YOURSELF," as we have nobody to write this column.

Boo-hoo and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2010:

A pimp was forced to reconnoiter

when his best 'ho brandished a goiter!

But 'fore he could fret

he hit Internet--

found a fetish crowd to exploit her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2010:

Perusing the "Events" section in our my local alt-weekly--Chief Limericist checking in, here--we found this, due to an alarming mis-read--

"5K Run for Chastity"

Hmmm.

Then again, considering the increasing Palin-ization of politics, perhaps it isn't so alarming a mis-read...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2010:

Guess DEA's whiteness is chronic--

they seek linguists speaking...Ebonics?

If we must blow taxes

on Drug War's Dark Axis--

try hiring some blacks as the tonic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2010:

Chief Limericist checking-in with a Chicago Sun-Times headline, here--

"Starting to Feel Like Another Recession"

Aw, c'mon. Let's not be all Negative Nancy ridiculous here.

Oh, okay, I'll glance at the story before writing-off this assessment... Was in the middle of shit, too...planning a trip to the local food pantry...boiling my ramen noodles for dinner later...finishing up on my regular two-plus hours a day of job searching... Hmmm... Aha!

What was I thinking? They're saying it's STARTING to only FEEL like a recession.

Whew! No recession goin' down now. No sir. Recovery, recovery, recovery...up, up, up!... I mean, that's what the experts say... They know what they're talking about... They predicted the real estate crash and everything else, anyway, right?... Right?... RIGHT?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/29/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming soon to Sunday Story Time...

...This chili had been sitting on the stove--unrefrigerated, as stovetops tend to be--for about a week. And it couldn't be written off as ignorance--the crock had recently graduated from a freakin' COOKING school, thus was taught about food preservation and such. Oh, and it wasn't that he had nothing else to eat, not to mention that the Lakeview area of Chicago is far from a Grocery Desert... But, for whatever reason, he continued to eat that chili...

That's just an excerpt...Another exciting, serialized tale begins, doling out one chapter per week, ala "The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate" (which ran in 2006-07; see the Archives, nutclutches)... Coming this fall!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/29/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Blast test

 

These fears are new,

not fueled by youthful anger

or injustice -- we're all

deep in it -- just wondering

and worrying about how to

keep the maw filled; we keep

shoveling the shit in and

the landlord stays away.

But will the center hold against

any imminent dam break (choose yours),

or collapse in smoke and blown apart

pieces of furniture

and doll arms and aquarium glass?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2010:

When through listings, news, eyes are sailin'

odd misreads occur--brief brain failin'.

"Run for CHASTITY"?

First, seemed odd to me...

Then, not so much--in world Gone Palin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2010:

It seems near-pointless to complain about the stupidity of TV commercials, but now and again, one rises to such levels of stupidity that it insults the whole of Humanity.

There's actually a whole series of 'em from Cheerios wherein they make it seem that Cheerios, beyond simply not having fat and containing whole grains, somehow repair your heart, open up your arteries and make existent cholesterol vanish.

Yeah, advertising engages in rampant puffery.

Yeah, the entire industry thrives on stupidity.

But these Cheerios commercials... Well, should they make one so angry? So angry one wants to...KILL?

Er, well, perhaps not kill. That's a little harsh.

Maim someone responsible, perhaps...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2010:

The "experts" say numbers are meshin'

with hitting another recession.

One question I'll lob,

'tween looking for jobs--

when'd last one END? (I need refreshin'!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Cops to Gangs: 'Stop Killing--Or Else'"

And if that doesn't work, perhaps they'll try a ceremony with a "Mission Accomplished" banner and all...

 

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