Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2010:

Teens, 'Tweens "sexting"--charges courts float?

Leave kids in the "child porn" creeps' boat!

What's next? Will we see

bestiality

charges leveled against...the goats?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2010:

So the U.S. Justice Department has approved the merger of consumer-raping entities Ticket Master and Live Nation.

What really gets us is that one of the stipulations given the companies, in order to allegedly keep the market competitive (nudge nudge, wink wink) is that the new Media Merger Monster must sell some of its paltry subsidiaries to Comcast-Spectacor and AEG Live...thus benefiting two other Media Merger Monsters in the process.

You know how, in slang, "bad" often means "good"?

Well... "Change"... Pfft...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2010:

Once more, it's Groundhog's day of year!

Checks shadow and briefly appears

then back to hole zoomers

'cause he's heard the rumors--

and morbidly fears Richard Gere!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2010:

Don't know if the Groundhog will discern six more weeks of winter or what-have-you... But at least the feller will see not a second more of those cursed political commercials and robo-calls!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!...

And, what the hell, Happy Extra Cheezy Election Day, while we're at it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2010:

New 'lection results are now game

for analysis. New pol names?

'Fraid new hope's deranged--

we now know that "change"

is really just "more of the same"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2010:

A new report from the U.S. Highway Loss Data Institute finds that crackdowns on "distracted driving," aka cellphones/texting behind the wheel, isn't having an effect on overall traffic fatalities.

Hard for us to venture a guess as to why, not having any such laws around us in Chicago... Oh. That's right. Chicago instituted one of the first crackdowns...although you'd never know it by watching drivers around town.

Okay, we'll venture that guess now--

Hard as it may be to believe, cops have better things to do with their time...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/3/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Walgreens Skin Lotion Smells Delightful

Well.

I guess this is another case of the section headline telling the whole story.

Okay, almost.

See, I buy generic/store brand for most everything. And while I resisted for many years, so as not to become a girly man, I now use skin lotion regularly. Otherwise, especially in the winter, my hands and such get all chapped and alligator-esque.

Walgreens is, in general, a delightful drug store kinda place. From what I understand, they are not existent everywhere in the U.S. Anyway, semi-recently, I bought Walgreens lotion, not always in the habit of dividing my purchases between grocery and dug store for maximum economic benefit and... Well, again.

Love the smell of the stuff.

Sniff on!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2010:

Cell/text driving bans grew and grew.

Results? Not much, finds study new.

With cause I agree,

but I'll solve "mys'try"--

cops have more pressing things to do!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2010:

Merrell Williams, who worked as a paralegal on the landmark cases suing Once-Big Tobacco for tobacco buyers' unhealthy behavior, has now come out to say that the whole shebang was a "scam" and that lawyers were only in it to make money.

We have nothing to add. Well, we most certainly COULD, but... It's just nice to find somebody else on the same page, after so long feeling like the only sane villager in Old Salem questioning the Witch Trials...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2010:

New screw-public mergers? Arranged!

Bank fat cats wrist slapped? Things seem strange

and not as they should.

Like "bad" can mean "good"

we've new definition of "change"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2010:

Okay, celebrity journalists, we get the idea.

From now on, we'll just assume that every sex symbol celebrity claims to really be a "homebody" at heart.

Not that we're expecting hard-hitting exposes from you folks...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/5/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Paris Schutz Band

Oh, how these guys rock.

And not just "rock," as in how the terms been cheapened with all varieties of lame-o acts being media dubbed "rockers," but... Okay, I gather it's mainly Paris' thing--main songwriter, etc.--but he has a helluva tight crew, and the guy tickles the shit outta those ivories, sings like a beefed-up canary and... Well, rocks.

Early on in my Schutz experience, I mentally likened him to Billy Joel. But don't get the wrong idea--that was just because, you know, piano-playing songwriter and such. And while Joel annoys me at times, he is immensely talented, so that's the connection.

And as a writerly guy always fond of a good lyrical thing, Schutz satisfies. Has a song about Christmas, a misty tune about a band break-up... Oh, and to further chase that Billy Joel analogy from your head, the dude's insanely versatile, covering the likes of Muddy Waters.

I guess Billy Joel might attempt something like Muddy. But, well...at least we get a chuckle thinking of it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2010:

A single dad, competence iffy,

making PBJs got a stiffy.

Though was in a hurry

the lust caused such flurry

that... Just say he came in a "Jif-y"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2010:

A new Miss America has been crowned and she's... No. Why bother mentioning someone competing for "celebrity" status with a first round reject on the umpteenth edition of "The Bachelor"?

Okay, okay. We'll make this the last year of seizing the cheap joke about how the pageant's drowning in irrelevancy...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2010:

Though I'm a huge football fan type

of Super Bowl? I've got my gripes--

since Da Bears have day off,

prefer full-day playoffs

'cause Big Game's drowned in cheezy hype!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2010:

According to a survey by IBISWorld, the state of our economy will see less Valentine's Day spending for one's significant other...but more for friends and such.

Either we're talkin' "friends with benefits" or society is screwier than even WE assumed...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/7/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: M'Lady's Damn Super Bowl Birthday

That's right. February 7 happens to be M'Lady's birthday.

And it appears I'll be going out to dinner, missing some/much/all of the Super Bowl. And I'm a big football fan.

On one hand, this makes me a Good Guy. I only muttered the most wimpy of near-protests upon hearing that her family planned a sushi dinner. I boldly declared that she was more important which, honestly, is true.

However... Well, it's not like the Bears are in the Super Bowl. If that were the case, I'd have tried to celebrate a different day--common for holidays, given modern particulars and our respective families--or make it a brunch or something. And if that brought me real Trouble? I might even just record the game or whatever, take care not to be tipped-off by anyone, and watch it later--although I'd make a notable effort to avoid that scenario.

As long as I'm tossin' honesty about, I'll also admit that I find the Super Bowl over-hyped. I get much more jaked about those weekends chock full o' playoff games than the Bowl itself.

And, yeah, yeah, yeah, as I've mentioned in this space, M'Lady is actually My Fiance, if you wanna get all technical, but I'm stickin' with M'Lady. When she's actually my wife, I may still use M'Lady but will probably start using Wife, as something about the word lends itself to comic possibilities...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/7/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Chmielecki...

 

...is... Well, he never missed in edition of this for a freakin' decade, until 2010, so cut him some slack...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2010:

News wallows in obscurity--

we've new Miss America! See,

yen for chicks attractive--

careers, semi-active--

is now filled by "reality"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2010:

So the American people are allegedly fed-up, right? Electing that Brown dude in Lousy With Liberals Massachusetts?

Well, here's a little something to chew on (don't swallow it, though--it's kinda like gristle)--

There were primary elections here in Illinois on Groundhog Day. One of the winners, the new Democratic nominee for one of Illinois' seats in the U.S. Senate, is one Alexi Giannoulias.

He and his family own/operate, get this, a big bank. Broadway Bank.

Although the bank hasn't been "directly implicated" in, you know, financial shenanigans of the sort that screwed us all...it's under investigation.

And as with all things politician--and now, of course, banker... Well, John Q. Public should be giving the opposite of the "benefit of the doubt."

One of Giannoulias' opponents, David Hoffman, has a rep as a big reformer. Investigated Chicago's Mayor-Dictator Richard M. Daley.

But he didn't win.

Giannoulias did.

Reminder: Big Banking screwed the hell outta us all...and is continuing to do so. And probably will continue continuing to do so. Don't think a Republican in Ted Kennedy's former seat is gonna push bankers out of bed with the U.S. government.

Hell, don't think that if Ralph freakin' Nader had been elected to the Massachusetts seat it'd change anything.

I suppose this is just the way it is, get used to it, etc.

But, one question... Okay, we understand that life's rough and it turns one to jaded, so folks will just bend over.

But can you at least lube yourself first?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2010:

New data on Valentine's rends my wits--

sole spending that's up's...for friends. Huh? What's this?

FRIENDS? VALENTINE'S DAY?

I guess that's okay--

if we're talkin' 'bout friends with benefits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2010:

We're thinking lately about a feature called, "Dumb Questions That Are Nonetheless Common and With Us Forever"...or something.

So far... Well, we have one--

"Anything good in the newspaper?"

It's NEWS. We might argue that news is neither "good" nor "bad," actually.

Being news, that means that, if you pay any attention to the world around you, then you should know the answer to that question.

So, to anybody asking that of us now (and they do...oh, how they do)... Well, no. Not whatsoever...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2010:

Celeb "journ'lism's" known as shoddy

but could they, when profiling hotties,

let the cliche go

and just let us know

when hot chicks DON'T claim they're "homebodies."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2010:

Here in the United State of Illinois, Scott Lee Cohen won the lieutenant governor slot in the Democratic primary this month. The biggest "investigative" slur on his background, revealed before the election, was the fact that he was a lowly pawnshop owner, unlike other candidates with legal or corporate backgrounds. Oh, and he had some marital troubles, but what politician hasn't.

Then, only AFTER the people elected him... Well, things came out. Whoah, did things come out--holding knives to prostitutes throats, steroid usage... Yowza.

Many are chastising Illinois Democrats for not looking into this guy more fully--and rightfully so.

But we're wondering... This guy is a goldmine for journalists! Those closet skeletons make Sarah Palin look like a freakin' saint!

But we didn't read about them until after he was elected.

Hmmm.

Once the blogs fully put the news business in its grave and we're electing Nazis and child pornographers, you may wanna come looking for us real journalists. You'll know me from the derby hat poking out of my cardboard box on Lower Wacker Drive...

Gotta love the nation of Brazil.

They're giving out condoms for carnival, as has been their tradition in recent years. They're even running ads with a Mr. Condom.

What caught our interest was the stats on last year's condom giveaway, for which the 500 million rubbers panned-out to 2.6 condoms per citizen.

Which translates, for the average Brazilian, as... Gee. We hate to think Brazilians regularly cut-out mid-threesome but... We'll get Fred the Intern on the math...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/10/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: CHILDREN'S Cereal?

Read the results of a survey semi-recently on certain breakfast cereals lowering sugar content, in order to combat the fattening of society and, specifically, youth and... Well, I'm insulted!

Lucky Charms? Fruity Pebbles? Crunch Berries? KIDS' cereals?

Oh, where to begin!

Maybe it's best simply to NOT begin. But let me just say that a nice bowl of, say, Qwisp more than satisfies my adult appetite... Er, not my "adult" appetite--I don't like them THAT much--but, well, I think you know where I'm comin' from...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2010:

For Carnival, condoms, Brazil-y,

gave out few hundred-thousand milly-y!

Each citizen reached

means 2.6 each...

Not sure 'bout that .6 sex dilly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2010:

We need a new term to describe a particular subset of derelict--

The Undrunk.

(Have I mentioned--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--that I have a helluva multi-chapter Sunday Story Time coming up? Another roommate tale that it's best to wait another six months or so for the telling? Anyway... Chiefy checking-out, here.)

The Undrunk are to drunkenness what the Undead are to death. They're more or less drunk, as a vampire is dead, but unlike the typical drunk/dead, they still function on some levels as if they're sober/alive, thanks to tolerance/evil magic.

And just as the words "dead" and "living" don't cover beings such as werewolves and mummies, "drunk" can't begin to describe someone like... Ahem.

So the concept still needs some work, admittedly. But, trust me, the Undrunk walk among us...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2010:

Amid the economy tanking,

thanks largely to wank of Big Banking,

Ill'nois noms...bank owner?

Strong message--banks' boner?

Ya' foul us? We'll help with the yanking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2010:

So the Olympics start today.

Not outdated nor corporatized at all, no sir.

Loads of TV excitement...for those with nothing to do all afternoon.

Oh, and it's a delight that our beloved National Hockey League is coming to a screeching halt, so we can see...mostly the same players, divided into different teams according to nation.

Pfft.

Can we at least nix the lame-o All-Star Game considering, you know, Team Canada?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/12/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Lame-ity in Team Cheers

Using the name of my favorite sports team, let me bring to mind a little sing-songy cheer that you'll hear in your head immediately upon reading:

"Let's go Blackhawks."

They do that type of thing at sporting events all the time.

Recently, I took in a hockey game and noted the San Jose Sharks' crowd prompted into a version of the cheer, "Let's Go Sh-arks."

Lame.

See, folks, when a team name doesn't have two syllables, you should get another freakin' chant.

Especially at a time like this, following the Super Bowl's continuing lame-ification of all things sports...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2010:

Now Greg, with sex life firmly closet-

-ed went to bank, where did he posit

how a teller, Lance,

might look with out pants...

And Greg made TWO kinds of "deposit"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2010:

The Chicago Auto Show starts today.

It'd be hard for us to care less about something.

Although we're curious, after all the pre-show hype, as to what Toyota's exhibit will unveil...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2010:

It's Valentine's and, ain't it quaint?

If hooked-up, you play 'round the taint

and indulge much lustin'

with primo nut-bustin'--

but holiday's named for a saint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2010:

The Fiqh Council of North America, a body of Islamic scholars, is maintaining that airport body scanners violate Muslim tenets--and thus good Muslims should avoid them at airports.

You know... Hmmm.

Sorry, we just can't resist it--

At the risk of sounding Glenn Beck-ish... Ain't THAT convenient...

Happy Extra Cheezy St. Valentine's Day!...

And Happy Extra Cheezy Chinese New Year, while we're at it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/14/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Second Saturday After January 25

I subscribe to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Yes, whippersnappers, the material newspaper. News printed on paper as opposed to on a computer screen.

I have my reasons, but this is not the place for details--habit, convenience on public transportation, supporting the industry, etc.

I also save my newspapers for a month. I started doing this when I was in journalism school, when I started reading the newspaper daily thanks to a teacher quizzing us regularly on current events, and when I noticed that the public library kept the dailies for one month, out in a special section with little cubbies assigned to each date, 1-31.

This paper-saving ritual is admittedly little more than ritual for ritual's sake. Hey, I pay for them, so I can save 'em if I like--and I do use them for research purposes occasionally, although I could probably look up the same things online... But anyway, that's what I do.

This means that later today, or perhaps tomorrow if I get behind in reading, I'll place the Feb. 14 issue on top of the stack and pull out the Jan. 14 issue for recycling. I'll in turn place the Jan. 14 issue in a garbage bag, which I'll use to carry the contents down to the recycling-only dumpster on Saturday--I'm insanely ritualistic, needing to schedule things to get ANYTHING done and, by the way, there's a point to this tedium... Anyway.

Now, I keep two recycling bags, one just for paper, because paper stacks well (it all gets dumped in the same place) and the two-bag system allows me to make the trip only once per week. Because the renter of my spare room(s) is, well...less than on-the-ball at times, I make sure, rather than leaving the two reusable bags empty, to leave him hints, so to speak, by removing a newspaper from the one bag (and some cardboardy stuff, in the winter, for fireplace usage with the newspapers) and a soda can or something from the other, so that when I return with the empty bags, I can put an example of each's proper contents back in.

Yes, that last step is a bit anal--and in fact this whole entry is making an argument against my full mental health but... We're almost done here.

On the first Saturday after January 25, when I pull the example newspaper to save for the next batch, I purposefully pick the Christmas edition, being a sappy Christmas lover and all.

But, as long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, I'm also vigilant about keeping Christmas special, ripping those who start the seasonal festivities before Thanksgiving as well as those who keep their damn decorations up past, say, the first weekend after New Year's.

So to put some curb on this minor bout of Christmas sentimentality, on the second Saturday after January 25, the Christmas newspaper goes--another, random edition must serve as the example for the next recycling batch.

(Sigh)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/14/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: If only it is

 

So it starts: a strip of light

plugged into the bathroom outlet

so mom won't have another fall.

 

Please let it be the only time.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2010:

Chi-Town Auto Show? Don't pay mind--

but know, future trends, goers find.

To jump competition

Toyota went dishin'

its new "features" far 'head of time!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2010:

Wow.

Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili actually died luging during the opening day of 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games.

But don't expect the International Olympic Committee to fuss too much about it. It's not like someone was caught doping or anything...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2010:

For Paczki Day, sin gets top billing!

Get blasted! Have sex with those willing!

Tomorrow starts Lent!

By midnight, be spent--

let more than your paczki launch filling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2010:

For those not in-the-know, namely the non-polock Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, a "paczki" (pronounced "poonch-key") is a Polish donut of sorts, a rather huge, kick-ass, filled donut and... Well, Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday, among us with polock blood, is called, "Paczki Day." So, yeah...

Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2010:

Olympic luge death--it's tough coping.

His lifetime spent striving and hoping...

Don't 'xpect IOC

to fuss much, for he

just died--not like he was caught DOPING!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2010:

It has come to our attention that today is a Christian holiday known as, "Ass Wednesday."

Which really sounds right up our alley. Don't know how we've missed the celebrations for our decade of "service." Anyway... What's that? Hold on--Fred the Intern wants to give his two cents (more like one & 1/2 cents) on the matter... Oh.

ASH Wednesday. And it's all about... Hmm.

Well, we don't feel so bad about ignoring it now...

Happy Extra Cheezy...Wednesday!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/17/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: First Visit to the Food Pantry

Made my first visit to a local food pantry recently.

Also known as a food "depository," and perhaps other monikers, it's a place where poor people go to receive free food, donated by local grocers and such.

I'm not proud of this. But neither am I ashamed. I've paid my share of tax dollars into government coffers and have been marginally employed for a couple of years now. (Since leaving my last in-office job, had full-time income for about six months, after spending three to get up to speed, then the full-on Recession hit and its been on-and-off. But that's neither here nor there.)

Most of the people I know have some "pride problem" with this sort of thing. Even those who don't outright think or say, "I'm not a 'poor person'--this is just a temporary unemployment; I'll be okay"--it's often a subconscious thing. For my part, I realize I must've felt the unsaid sentiment. I didn't even think to look into stuff like food pantries, despite the fact that they can assuage the massive debt I've been taken on recently. M'Lady, whose had a similarly rough employment picture lately, started going and prompted me to, as well.

So it was especially romantic hitting the food pantry together.

To be honest, there were some crazies there. There was even a nutcake I've seen begging for change practically since moving to the Chicago in 1991. And, sure, while you can't tell a stereotypical "poor person" by outside appearances... Well, sometimes you can--and there were some stereotypes there.

But there were also a load of people who seemed, outwardly anyway, much like us. Just down on their luck. I even spotted some hot young chicks, whom I generally imagine to have no problem finding someone to pay their bills.

In some ways, my mental state during the affair was predictable. "So, after all my strivings, career building and experience, I end up HERE?" But after that initial shame shock, I felt a sort of camaraderie. There we all were, down on our luck, from many different backgrounds, with many different stories, all trying to get by in tough times.

While the food pantry COULD eliminate one's need to purchase groceries, I suppose, it didn't altogether for me. There are certain staples I keep on hand, for instance--tomato juice, cat litter, etc.--and a food pantry haul is random. But the visit(s) have notably decreased my grocery bills, providing me many actual main dishes and such, not to mention some snacks and miscellany, including condiments.

I share a smallish fridge with a roommate/renter, and it's packed to the proverbial gills.

I'm sure the pantries all work a little differently, but the one near me allows you to get a full haul once a month and a mini-load of veggies and bread once per week.

When I left the pantry after that virgin visit, I actually felt proud of myself. I'd demonstrated another avenue of resourcefulness, reaping benefits I might otherwise, out of habit, simply have ignored.

Times are tough. My chosen industry is in the crapper. Why not?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2010:

Islamic Fiqh Council says screens meant

to scan through clothes are of obscene bent--

against Muslim teachings.

"Avoid them," they're preaching!

To wax Glenn Beck, well... How convenient!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2010:

After an online poll, results are in and the Barbie doll's new professions will be... Computer tech and TV anchor.

Well, at least she's qualified for the anchor position...

 

Sometimes we feel we shouldn't ride Hollywood so hard on its tendency to present things...less than realistically, shall we say? Viewers are just seeking an escape and, by and large, don't seem to mind.

For instance, recently we were reading about the new HBO show "How to Make it in America" and the main character, a young man beginning a career in fashion, with a mention of his... Hold on a second.

His ex-GIRLFRIEND? A guy pursuing a fashion career? GIRL-friend?

Screw it. Maybe we're not riding Hollywood hard ENOUGH...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2010:

Barbie has "careers." (No, not, "whore"!)

Mattel, from Web vote's, added more!

One for which girls hanker

is that of "news anchor"--

which plastic dolls qualify for!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2010:

Okay, so... Haiti.

Earthquake. Death en masse. Necessities scarce. We're all supposed to donate to help the citizens out, if at all possible.

In fact, I'll go so far as to say that some of the pleas aim to GUILT us into donating.

Of course, it's a worthy cause. Even most of us here in America, down on our luck, are living lives of paradise compared to many of these Haitians.

But (and you had to figure that, like a hip-hop music video, a Big But(t) wasn't far off)... Haiti is far from the only nation with people starving, lacking infrastructure, what-have-you. Take... Geez. There's no shortage of nations. Try most of Africa? Sheesh, try some towns and neighborhoods here in the U.S.!

Not to mention that... Well, Haitians are in need of aid even WITHOUT an earthquake.

So... What the hell are we saying here? We're not even sure, really--except that it seems sorta...random or something. Of course it's worthy to send ANYBODY starving some money, we can't say that enough, but... Ignore the starving Haitians, and everybody else, until they're hit by some disaster, in addition to their day-to-day disaster and... We also picture some starving folks in, say, Zimbabwe. "Doesn't that weekly international aid package come today?" "Well, usually it does, but damn Haiti had an earthquake..." We're sure that, overall, a disaster like this leads to a net result of MORE people receiving needed aid but... Again, we're not sure what we're saying. Just seems... Subjective, or something.

And while we're at it--Julia Roberts?

Really?

Checking job sites and such for hours and hours, praying some emergency doesn't tweak my marginally employed, day-to-day-survival lifestyle into homelessness or God knows what--and some freakin' multi-millionaire celebrity comes on TV to tell ME to give MY money to the cause? Who's the genius behind THAT logic?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/19/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Remember Having Nothing to Do?

I pack a lot of work into my life.

Although I'm marginally employed now, my life's usually entailed some form of job-job, in-office or freelance--so there's that. Then there's work on my "dream projects," such as (believe it or not) this site, performing/comedy/acting endeavors, books I'm working on, etc., which has usually been done in addition to the paying job, a relationship and general chores. Even when I'm unemployed, I end up filling up my time with my projects, never being bored or feeling I have "nothing to do."

I have big plans and big dreams and perpetually run on less-than-enough sleep. Sometimes I've actually sat down and tried to write-out a schedule of all I want to do, finding it impossible with 24-hours days--and yet I somehow manage.

It wasn't really until a couple of years ago that I allowed myself actual R&R. Oh, sure, I've dated, went to movies, hung out with friends, etc. But I decided that, otherwise, my life was just a festival of working--I might, say, go "relax" on a local city bench on a summer evening, for instance, but I'd print something out ahead of time that I could edit or whatever while doing so.

I still haven't reached a point of "pure" relaxation, you could say. I'll read while watching some old show reruns or whatever, and I use newspapers for creative ideas and such, so that reading is arguably a form of work, too. But I set aside time with a primary focus on relaxation now. Not only for my sanity and combating stress, but a bit of rest actually helps the process of creativity, avoiding burnout and allowing you to start fresh when it's back-to-work, while letting you to LIVE a little, which helps bring better ideas to write/etc. about. (We artists are, after all, trying to mostly reach the "common man," rather than other workaholic artists.)

Relaxation, at least as an adult, may never be "perfect." You think about your job and projects when you're supposedly "relaxing," of course. The other day I was wondering, "When was the last time I truly had 'nothing to do'?"

Nothing to do. Oh, perhaps you had some homework. But you could pump that out and then watch TV, play football or a videogame--and NOT worry about upcoming homework assignments. Maybe your parents were already talking about jockeying for a future college or grades or whatever, but you hadn't reached a point where planning the future "stuck" with you. Someday you'd be a great writer/rock star/actor/what-have-you...and that was all the thought the future deserved.

The process of going from "nothing to do" to "focused on responsibilities and the future," of course, doesn't happen in a day. But for me, I pegged the transition as high school--when I not only started thinking about things like college, but also started a rock band and became focused on practice schedules and the like.

You can't go back, once you've made the transition.

Ahh, to have nothing to do.

Maybe when I'm old and retired... No, then there will still be worries about paying the bills.

Maybe when I go hopelessly senile...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2010:

A girlie who felt massive stress

found that, to cure that, she was blessed!

When Life's Dance, stress cut-in,

she'd just hit a button--

located right under her dress!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2010:

Speaking of Christmas... Wasn't somebody talking about Christmas?

Anyway, you know how one of the big lines from "A Christmas Carol" concerns Scrooge learning "to keep Christmas in his heart every day of the year?"

Well, that's a tall, complicated order, and a personal matter, to boot. But we CAN give you a tip for keeping Christmas in your HOME all year.

Get a real Christmas tree for the holiday. You'll find Christmas around the place all year. Or at least needles...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2010:

The move to pro, Olympic hockey,

means... NHL, on all teams--shockey!

The amateurs' plight?

No more One Spotlight!

The Olympic Legacy? Mock'ry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2010:

Now, we're far from the first folks to note that many Olympic sports are...less than thrilling, shall we say? But... Curling?

CURLING?

What the hell IS that? Our best guess is that a bunch of Nordic stoners dreamt up the game as a way to pass their unemployed time.

And despite the win-the-lottery odds of pursuing a career in any sport, we still understand kids busting their butts with a dream of becoming, say, a basketball or baseball or football or hockey player. And we even get pursuing, say, skiing or something fun like that. We'll even throw in track and field sports because they're so vintage.

But who in the hell works themselves to the bone with a dream of world-class...shaving the ice or whatever to move that stone at a boring glacier pace around that laughably rinky-dink curling...rink, or whatever they call it?

We turned the Olympics on here in the, um, Daily Limerick Towers awaiting an ice hockey game, but, admittedly, watched some curling--but that's only out of shock that it exists. What's everybody else's excuse? If you're gonna set the Excitement Bar THAT short, we already have "reality" TV...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/21/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Lost Without Limerick

About a month ago, circumstances dictated that I had to get going earlier than I'm used to and, in planning ahead for the situation the day before, I even wrote an extra Limerick.

See, as part of my usual grind, whether working full-time or unemployed, I write the next day's Daily Limerick while getting ready for the day--feeding my cats, having coffee, pre-shower activities, etc.

For this Big Day, I decided to knock-off some of the typical morning things the night before, so as to allow myself an easier time getting ready early. And although I can do the Limerick while doing other chores, for some reason I decided to knock that task off ahead of time, too.

Now, I've done this Daily Limerick thing for more than 10 freakin' years. So when I awoke and reminded myself I DIDN'T have to compose a Limerick that morning... Well, I was a bit out of sorts. Lost Without Limerick, as today's title proclaims.

I'm not sure whether to be proud of myself or ashamed...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/21/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Blind

 

What is there in the world

besides love? Plenty, I'm

sure. But I'm blinded to it.

 

When my sight returns,

if my sight returns,

I think the world will still

 

be full of color. That we'll

both have a soft landing,

and land together.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2010:

The hist'ry? Time too slow unfurling--

stoned Swedes found excitement... Not whirling.

Killed time on the ice.

Lame game did suffice--

and now we're all stuck watching "curling"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2010:

The Chicago-area suburb of Aurora, made famous by the "Wayne's World" milieu, imposes a $50 fine on anyone keeping holiday (aka, "mostly Christmas") decorations up more than two months past said holiday.

While we're tempted to applaud this measure... We think it's more about government getting extra $50 doses to blow than it is about keeping Christmas special.

And we're, of course, suspicious of government meddling in further aspects of our lives.

And, well... What if a certain somebody moves to a place like Aurora after being foreclosed upon somewhere like, say, the North Pole?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2010:

Cheers for helping those of poor nations!

But randomness stokes 'magination...

Are Africans bumming?

"When's food package coming?"--

"It ain't--quake hit those lucky Haitians!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times "Auto" section (print) headline--

"Owning a Lexus Says: 'I Made It'"

Funny, but we thought that owning a Lexus just "says"...well--

"I Own a Lexus"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2010:

Aurora, town of "Wayne's World" fame,

fines those cheap'ning Christmas (for shame!)

still bearing dec'rations

two months past occasion.

I'd cheer but... Can't legislate lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2010:

And now it's time for something that might become a temporarily recurring feature... Daily Limerick Gives Suggestions to Make the Olympics More Exciting--

Skiing? Snowboarding? All that related stuff?

How 'bout holding those events at night?

Sure it's a bit dangerous, but these cats and kittens may need to risk a bit more for that sponsorship dollar.

They're the freakin' Olympics! Just tryin' to help out--we want these events more exciting that, say, NASCAR, don't we?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/24/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: This "Special," "Pull-Out" Section Sucks

Don't it?

Seriously. Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have an opinion on it?

Don't know why I ask you mealy-mouthed, slacker bastards for feedback on anything.

Anyway... Maybe this section DOESN'T suck. But I find myself once again reaching for a topic and made THAT the topic.

See, when Daily Limerick added some "special" weekly features, namely Sunday Story Time and Mike's Accursed Verse, I was looking to beef-up that edition, much like the mainstream newspapers do for a Sunday.

Beefing-up this parody angle, I issued a call and, remarkably, one of you worthless bastards actually answered and the late David Sher pitched-in a Monday Health Haiku dilly. I soon added the Friday Entertain Yourself section and then this one, as a lot of newspapers do a Wednesday food spiel and... Well, here we are.

This was intended to be sort of a bachelor's how-to thingie, I guess but... Well, is it lame? Has it run its course? Can't I just plop food-related nuggets into Slappin' and Yappin' when they're worthy?

And should I be parodying a newspaper at this point in time, speaking of irrelevancy? Or is that now getting into the territory of, say, a send-up of a telegraph?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2010:

On Olympic hype bait, I bite.

But most events...fail to excite.

Well due for some tink'rin',

here's one thing I'm thinkin'...

How 'bout downhill skiing...at night!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2010:

On the heels of his marginally famous wife, what's-her-name, hitting rehab, now Charlie Sheen himself is off for a stint.

Wish this would've happened a few weeks earlier. Great romantic St. Valentine's Day idea, Hollywood--his 'n' hers rehab...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2010:

Stars set future trends. We foresee... Gab

on Charlie Sheen and wife so twee, fab

couples' getaway--

just missed Val'n'tine's Day--

with romantic His 'n' Hers Rehab!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2010:

So Consumer Reports has went ahead and named a couple Toyota models as top picks for environmentally friendly vehicles.

And why not? Cars tend to have low emissions after they're totaled from smashing into a wall...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/26/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Genital Hercules

I'm not gonna bother saying a damn thing about this band. Good? Bad? Style? Doesn't matter.

They're called GENITAL HERCULES, for Elvis' sake.

With THAT name alone, they're worth a freakin' listen, so drop whatever you're doing and check 'em out...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/26/2010:

This one is regarding our questioning Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers as to whether the Wednesday "Eat It!" section is... Well, lame--

> My feeling about the Eat It section is it's often pretty

> dang funny. I definitely got the vibe that it's designed

> as a sort of walkthrough of bachelor cuisine. If you think

> you've outgrown it though, chuck it.

So you're saying... Hmm.

What are you running for public office? Seeking inner peace through supreme wishy-washiness?

In any event, though, not only is it a rare LETTER from you lackadaisical ass-bastards, but it's an actual ANSWER to a query we directed to readership so, in all seriously, we're freakin' giddy with happiness...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2010:

When city bus stopped at the school

the college girls caused Jeff to drool!

He ogled them boarding;

soon stain, pants were sporting--

from sneaky, but bold, pocket pool!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2010:

It's time for another edition of... Daily Limerick Gives Suggestions to Make the Olympics More Exciting--

For ice dancing coverage, if you're gonna have a male commentator, he needs to have a lisp.

Otherwise, sorry, no cred...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2010:

Today sees big Olympic Closing!

Canucks, IOC, primping, posing...

Young athletes will beam

with Olympic Dreams--

while mine's just a Kim Yu-Na hosing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2010:

It's the last day of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver and... What? Haven't been paying attention?

We recommend that you give 'em a look. For those not in the know, it's a kick-ass, international hockey competition--plus a bunch of silly, boring snow games to make it into a big, honkin' dillio...

So former--and long-ago former--teen idol Leif Garrett was busted for heroin possession and... Well, what really has us puzzled is that he was caught with the stuff in the subway.

The Los Angeles subway. Which, really, covers about three stops and is of little use to anybody, car culture being what it is, not to mention the sprawling nature of the "city" and the mountains all over.

I took the subway when I lived in L.A. (Chief Limericist checking-in for this oh-so-important story, here). But I never bought my own car there, perhaps knowing I wouldn't stay long, and on L.A. public transportation is was pretty much myself and the other po', illegal immigrants and old ladies utilizing it.

So Leif Garrett has actually gone beyond hitting rock bottom. He's hit TITANIUM bottom...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/28/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Bothered About Actually Having to Work

Recently, I started a job.

At a restaurant.

Not exactly what I'd planned on, career-wise, after spending most of my adult life striving, clawing and scrapping to rise-up the ladder of journalism only to... Well, I think there's more money in poetry than in journalism right now.

But I digress.

I've been marginally employed freelancing for a couple of years now. In denial that writing, editing, all that is... About as likely to make one money these days as playing kazoo is to getting you into a symphony orchestra.

Blogging. Articles of 500 words for $10. Who in the hell is doing this stuff?

Digressing again.

Point being, my lifestyle adjusts and adapts. And being marginally employed, I've become the King of Dilly-Dallying. I guess I've kept adding little tasks and chores to my morning routine to such an extent that they're ingrained. And in landing this job, it was time to de-ingrain. Which is easier said than written about.

So when I started actually working, I was freaking out about getting up, readying, showering--and getting to a job WITHIN SIX HOURS.

Seriously.

Oh, this morning routine accomplishes/accomplished a whole lot. Checking e-mail, sending press releases about Daily Limerick to publication/site, keeping a damn clean kitchen, etc., yadda yadda, blah blah. I tell you, having the extra time, I adapted, added tasks to fill that time.

Not to mention I'm committed to spending at least an hour a day on an old novel I'm re-editing, content for this site and such... Oh, I've been this way before. Full-time, keeping various projects stoked, maintaining personal relationships... And I've proven myself able to handle it, with spot-on time management, multi-tasking, less than ideal amounts of sleep... But that was a different time, different situation, different routine.

And then it became time for yet another different time, situation and routine.

And it totally knocked me for a loop.

So... Yeah. There ya' go. I'm tired as hell, but I think I've told the story.

Add plot, structure, detail, literary devices--all that pap as you desire. I'm tired as hell as I pen this. Damn restaurant job.

And there's more to this story, next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/28/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Incandescence

 

There is an incandescence to

everyday activities if you

search for it. How can you

not lick the juice from

your fingers after cutting

open an orange? Or not smile

when you smell the chocolate

on her breath?

 

If everyday activities have

this much impact, imagine

the kiss, and try

to stay standing.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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