Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2010:

Though for decades, Cold War ain't marred

our Russian dealings--feathered, tarred

might be, spies we nabbed!

Some find '80s fab--

but now, Retro Thing's gone too far!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Eleven Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

I read an especially interesting nugget in the delightful, syndicated News of the Weird. I'd share, but what really struck me was the existence, in England, of laws "banning speed drinking."

The is Big Mother ala Norman Bates...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2010:

Big Mother's home? U.S.--was thinkin'.

But in England, they've banned..."speed drinking"?

How will they enforce it?

"For your own good" corset?

Norm Bates' Big Ma's eye, unblinkin'?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Ten Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

So Larry King is retiring.

Oh no! Where, oh where, will we turn for the latest in-depth interviews...with people who were in the limelight a year ago?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/2/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Call It 'Interactive'...

...Because you're truly left to, you know, Entertain YOURSELF--I'm washing my hands of this section; hoping some witty Slapper Yapper Grasshopper might like to take it...make this even more of a team effort, since we already have Mike and Monte on board... Come to think of it, it's more like I'm washing my BALLS of this section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2010:

Hot summer, skimp-dressed--that's preamble--

as June found resistance in shambles.

Heard of falls, quick sealed,

dubbed "head over heels"?

Well, she fell more "head under sandals"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Nine Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Wednesday, we mentioned the nutty retro angle to the Russian spies caught attempting to infiltrate the U.S. government. (See the archives, nut-bastards.)

As more news on the matter has surfaced, we've put our crack investigative, er, "team" to work and what most piques our interest is the fact that... Well, we can't vouch for the other 10 (counted so far), but judging by the pic we've seen of the spy going by "Anna Chapman"... We've got some hot spies on our hands!

Talk about shaken...AND stirred!... Like to see her in Her Majesty's (Victoria's) Secret Service!... Dreamin' of a Doctor Yes... We're thinkin' Gold-Fingerin'!... Okay, enough of that...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and, if you're really lucky, Espionage-Filled) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2010:

A redneck was robbed as he dinkered

slut-thief, July Fourth, 'fore he tinkered

with fireworks... Did fidget--

and blew off some digits!

So suspect, then, couldn't be fingered!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Eight Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Seriously? Independence Day and you're looking for an actual newsworthy (or "newsworthy") item here?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/4/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Really?

You want an edition of this dreck on the Fourth of Freakin' July? Well, Mike's not taking off (see below), so you really have nothing to whine about.

I suppose this is on the Web. All international and such. So many Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers don't see this as any different from any regular ol' Sunday.

So... Well, so what?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/4/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Music to move to

 

Slam that music into my heart:

 

It's non-toxic, non-corrosive.

But I wish it had the power

to pack all these damned boxes

and get us in our new place,

 

already set-up, the future looming

large, the past a primly sealed

envelope with a message written

on it that she and I will not obey.

 

Instead, right now is a wave of

pulsing, purging notes vomiting

through the speakers. The singer

has plenty of angst and anguish,

 

but I have none. His youth

is not my youth. His song is

not my song, and yet it is,

the passionate parts,

 

and more.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2010:

Fin'ly--Larry King retires, so

now where will TV public go

for hard interviews

with those who were news-

worthy more than a year ago?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Seven Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

You know those hippies in Vermont and such who run those... Well, those, um... Our point is that they really oughtta be called--

Bed and Bake Fests...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2010:

Though Cold War's dead, friction is not--

Feds nabbed a big Russian spy plot!

And biggest surprise

of the enterprise?

Those Ruskie spies are freakin' hot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Six Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Saw a mention of the movie Cyrus and... (Shudder.)

We're all up for horror and such--and of course, all First Amendment-y and stuff--but... Some things are just too seriously terrifying to qualify as "entertainment."

So, what? Is it (more shuddering)... Miley AND Billy Ray?... We're afraid to read more, but journalistic (or at least "journalistic") duty calls and... Oh.

Forget we mentioned it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2010:

First thought horror's too real--no way--

love horror, but's too dark for play,

when of "Cyrus" learned

'fore flick, I discerned's,

not 'bout Miley and Billy Ray!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Five Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Japanese competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi was arrested at a hot dog-eating contest in New York when, although he wasn't participating, he crashed the stage and began harassing the winner, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut and... Ahem.

Guess there's no need for us to wax witty on that news nugget...

AP headline:

"Drunk, Nude, In the Wrong Home"

Well. It appears to be an easy work day for us altogether...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/7/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte Is...

...Off eating or something. Eat It! will return next week...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2010:

Jap'nese eating champ fought champ "Jaws";

was jailed for that 'bout with the law!

For question'ble sports

I must say this sort

of thing beats so-called "wrestling's" Raw!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Four Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has found that pedestrians and such are far more likely to be killed by hybrid vehicles, which tend to issue little warning noise.

Well. Just another way they reduce those carbon footprints, eh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2010:

New study on hybrid cars hints

that quiet from engines diff'rent

kills more folks a'walking.

New feature for hawking--

cuts even more carbon footprints!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Three Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

There's a weekly Chicago Sun-Times column on "Sex & Relationships," which this week advised most, if not all, couples to seek relationship therapy, whether they feel they need it or not.

Oh. And it's written by one Dr. Laura Berman.

Note the "Dr." for "Doctor."

So, in a curious confluence of circumstance, one who makes her living as a therapist has found, through painstakingly objective experience and research, that EVERYBODY needs the therapy that puts her food on the table.

Hmmmmmm...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/9/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Help!

Take this weekly section, please! Please take this weekly section, some witty Slapper Yapper Grasshopper...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2010:

A girlie had fun in the sun

and, hungry, bought hotdog--just one.

But guy in the cart

quickly stole her heart--

and nestled two steamed dogs 'tween buns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Two Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Headline:

"Older Viagra Users More Likely to Get STDs: Study"

Well, as long as they're gonna corner us at holidays and get-togethers with stories about ailments, this'll be a bit more exciting than kidney stones and such...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2010:

Since Viagra stokes struggling bone

science finds that more old men are prone

to catch STDs--

their talk at parties

will now out-gross mere kidney stones!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2010:

COUNTDOWN: One Day until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

So Prince has decided that, um, since the Internet is just a "fad," he's releasing his latest CD in European newspapers.

It's a good thing all you younger Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have heard of Prince. Otherwise, it might prove hard to read about it, considering you've likely not heard about that passing fad known as the Internet...

 

University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign) professor Cele Otnes performed a study examining one of the greatest scourges to society today...restaurant-based birthday celebrations?

You know, with the singing waiters and such.

She claims...or her, um, "research" finds that the ritual is often forced fun, even studying the, er, "business and social costs," concluding that businesses "need to be very, very attentive to the consequences of these rituals."

Somebody really, really doesn't want others aware of her aging, apparently...

 

Combing over the Craig's List "Talent" ads (Chief Limericist checking-in, here)... Does anybody else find it odd that employment at one of those "Rock 'N' Roll" camps entails a background check?

Unfortunately, probably not to ensure a sordid background, either...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/11/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Oddball Illnesses

I recently indulged in a luxury for us self-employed (aka "marginally employed") folks by visiting the doctor for what I'd dub an "oddball illness." And I'm wondering how great a role genetics played in the matter.

Now the illness itself seemed to be an odd "genetic" fit. But I'm not wondering about the specific illness itself but the very propensity for oddball illnesses. Which, yes, makes even less sense--on its face.

See, my father is prone to oddball illnesses. I'm not really sure "illness" is the word, but "disorder" sounds so...you know. For instance, he had a detached eye muscle a while back. He has to have his toenails clipped at a foot doctor because they've somehow evolved into a ridiculous thickness that foils typical nail clippers. Stuff like that.

Pop's had some more serious disorders, as he's getting up there in age. For most of his younger life, like me, he was rarely sick. Now I, of course, have a ways to go before hitting his age category, but this last oddball illness was, in reality, my second within three or four years.

In late 2006/early 2007, I developed a bump on my head. The clumsy sort, I didn't initially think much of it--until it just wouldn't go away. Big old lump, right on my forehead, half-inch or so above my right eyebrow. Maybe...a third of a golf ball's size?

I didn't have the thing removed until late last year, was it? Or was it the year before... Anyway, I let it linger for quite some time. It didn't help that the first doctor I asked about it dubbed it "cosmetic," thus not covered by insurance. So I hoped to hell it would just go away. Tried some homeopathic remedies I learned of on the Web--holding a wet teabag over it for a minute or so daily, scrubbing it with exfoliant. Perhaps I fooled myself into thinking that it was slowly shrinking.

Now, I'm not the vain type (obviously), but it was truly annoying. I was amid a long dry spell with the ladies and figured the lump didn't help with that. Plus, with my chosen day job of journalism going down the e-toilet, I was starting to translate my many moons of stand-up into paid acting gigs and, again, lumpy wasn't helping there, either.

So I finally used my iffy health insurance and had the damn thing removed--this time using a doctor known to my family, who had no problem finagling it into insurable.

Turns out, it was a fatty deposit. The doctor had no answers when I asked how or why it occurred. It just seems to happen.

Oddball illness.

Last month, perhaps even late May, I found one of my ears stopped-up. Felt like it needed to pop--as it does on an airplane, when you just have to hold your nose and kinda "blow" with your mouth and nose shut? Well, that lingered for the good part of a week. Then went away. Then came back.

I bought eardrops of different sorts--to dry fluids from the ear, to purge wax. Used cotton swabs and those "ear ball" things (for squirting rinsing water deep into the ear canal) to clean 'em real good. Nothing seemed to help much.

Then my ear cleared up overnight...but I awoke to find the OTHER ear stopped-up.

My self-diagnosis was that this had something to do with sinuses, as I have sinus agitation in recent years and I know the sinuses, ears, etc. are all connected. But I didn't know hot to FIX it. And although the problem wasn't painful at all, it's really disorienting, as you can well imagine. I took a tumble in my building's stairwell and think more than my own clumsiness was involved.

So I broke down and made a doctor's appointment--again with one that my family could vouch for.

Doc couldn't fit me in for about a week and so, of course, a day and a half before the visit, my ear cleared up. It's been fine since.

Doc said that it was indeed sinus related--and that the most recently stopped-up ear was rather waxy. So he gave that ear a good cleaning, gave me hearing tests, took a close look through some techny, stringy camera thing way up in my nostrils... As best as he could tell, it was a gnarly sinus infection coupled with dirty ears that did it.

Oh, and he gave me a free two weeks' of some sinus spray that I can choose to purchase and be hooked-on from here on out if I want, as part of his oath of allegiance to Big Pharma. (Actually, he's a cool guy and all, but doctors have to do that stuff--though I'm not going to buy it after my free stash runs out.)

So now I've breathed a big sigh of relief because that's over. Just hoping I won't wake up tomorrow with a dislocated tongue or some such...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/11/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Late afternoon at Iona

 

We waded into the green warmth

of the lake, breaking reflections

but receiving no injury.

 

Except for our feet. They pressed

against hidden rocks and stones,

perfect skipping surfaces,

 

and freshwater mussels. Yes,

not knowing any better, we

lifted them up by the dozen

 

from where they were resting.

Their shells slightly slimy,

heaped in our hands.

 

One by one, we skipped them

across the surface.

At most, three hops.

 

They went back under

only several feet away.

(No, we won't do that again.)

 

As though it were their guard,

a black fly kept diving at us,

trying to bite our backs.

 

Telling us to quiet down,

stop messing up the rhythm.

Just let things be.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2010:

For Ten Years penned this, paid my dues to see

Ten Years! For Eleven's, construed by me

as let-down, a bit.

Yet DL soon hits--

entering the Twelfth, fin'ly--puberty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2010:

Daily Limerick is now ELEVEN YEARS OLD!

That's right... Yeah. It's hard to get too excited now, at least until our 15th. That's how it goes.

But it's good enough to slack-off this section for a day...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2010:

Today's day to honor French Fries!

With cheeze, gravy, plain--meal or side!

They're so darn delicious,

so have at 'em vicious--

as if you were 'tween fine French thighs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2010:

DAILY LIMERICK--as of July 12 (yesterday), marking ELEVEN YEARS of... Yeah. We milked the anniversaries for a full month after 'em on up to ten years, but we'll hold off--at least until fifteen...

In case the Limerick didn't tip you off, today is National French Fries Day! So we'll be celebrating...tomorrow.

Ahem.

Because that's when we have our food section.

Celebrate in your own way today.

Ass bastards...

George Michael earned himself another DUI.

I suppose his people, the ones he still has, are exploring the idea of re-coming out of the closet to handle this one...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2010:

Regarding Daily Limerick's birthday yesterday...there's been some well-wishing--

> Happy 11th birthday, Daily Limerick. You're still too young

> to see R-rated movies, so how did you develop such a potty

> mouth?

Guess we were born with a silver potty in our mouth(s). Or something.

Forgive us; we're still celebrating...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2010:

His peeps are at loss--how to flout

George Michael's new DUI bout?

They've played the gay card

('cause closet life's hard)--

and now?... Well, he can't RE-come out!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2010:

We're tryiln' to toss a new phrase into the ol' public vocab.

"Chicked."

Often followed by "into," as in, "I was chicked into seeing the Go-Gos at the Taste of Chicago that year."

When a chick wants to do something and you oblige by doing along.

That is all.

Oh, don't get chicked into anything we wouldn't...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/14/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Celebrating National French Fries Day! (Which was, er, yesterday, but...)

Me likey fries!! Especially fresh cut fries!! A fresh cut, non-frozen fry is a thing worthy of great adulation. And for me...I love the fries at Mr. D's at 6656 W. Diversey (Chicago). Always fresh cut, and ready to go!!! As soon as you walk into the little spot, you see the fry cutter to yer left, just waiting to make fries. It's an old school machine, manually operated. So you know there is love in the fries, cause you gotta love 'em to labor over 'em.

A few other spots for fresh cut fries I like are... Jimmy's Red Hots at 4000 W. Grand, Feed at 2803 W. Chicago, Gene & Jude's at 2720 River Road in River Grove and Ken's Diner at 3353 W. Dempster in Skokie (they make fresh cut steak fries there)!!!

One thing I should mention--you should ask for the fries well done, not burned. Then you will never get a fry that sags like a wet noodle.

I also do like some frozen fry spots, especially when they are steak fries. But that is a long list for another day. Happy Fry Day!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2010:

New CD from Prince? Hip and fab'lous!

Only in...newspaper can grab it?

Says 'Net's fad that's ceased!

Was the press release

sent out on a freakin' stone tablet?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2010:

According to something called "The Mirrow," a study of 3,000 hooked-up people has found that 20 percent lust for someone other than their mate.

Meaning... Well, 80 percent of those "studied" are lying.

Just take a freakin' walk on a summer day like this...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2010:

Survey finds that one-in-five gents

and ladies, hooked-up, carry pent-

up lust for some others.

Which means, sisses, brothers--

that lying's at 80 percent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2010:

We were remiss in announcing the start of the summer's official "Dog Days," wherein the Earth is closest to the Dog Star, Sirius.

Although commonly used in reference to any hot summer days, the Dog Days actually have an official period, from July 3 through Aug. 11 and... Well, all you need to know is that you're supposed to do it doggy-style for now.

According to...someone or other...slow news day, in case you didn't notice...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/16/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Why?...

...Are we still running this header when the Chief Limericist has stopped writing the weekly feature?

Could it be that we want some Slapper Yapper Grasshopper contributor to take it over?

Ah, the mysteries of life...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2010:

A mermaid slut felt major woes

o'er having no beave, legs or toes.

Can find her at sea;

seeks sailors to please--

just follow the cry, "Thar she blows!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2010:

Now, we're not the types here at Daily Limerick to be all "Good ol' days" this and "The world's going to hell in a hand basket" that but... Well, check this out.

A fart joke in Ziggy?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2010:

The Dog Days of Summer--heat's vile!

And we'll be stuck in 'em a while--

through 'Leventh of August!

Can't beat it, so dog it

out joining the theme... Doggy Style!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2010:

Let's start with the Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Six Flags Porky Pig Allegedly Attacked" (http://www.suntimes.com/news/24-7/2495122,porky-pig-attack-six-flags-gurnee-071310.article)

Okay, as-is, this story's already wacky--and a bit frightening.

But reading further... Well, it just gets more alarming.

First comes the revelation that "attacks on mascots happen one or twice a year," at least at the Six Flags in question.

Ready to be even more terrified about humanity? There's this quote--

"Mascots are typically accompanied by a security guard."

So its THAT dangerous for people forced to make a buck by donning a cheezy pig costume?

Now's the time we generally put a witty capper on these news nuggets, but we're gonna go make some calls about installing a bomb shelter...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/18/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Some Word Fun With This Month

Ah, July! It brings to mind hot dogs, the beach, fireworks, ice cream...and, well, sweltering heat, stupid people walking far too slow... Ahem. But I'm focusing on the positive and, in all honesty, July has more going for it than against it.

I have a couple memories of July that are word-based. Word-geeky kinda stuff. F'rinstance... When I was a shaver, my sister and I... Well, I'm not entirely sure what we were doing. My sister was making a hand-made calendar or something. Anyway, for "July," she wrote, "Jully," and if you pronounce the misspelling (aka "Jelly," but with a "u")... Well, it's funny.

'Least it makes me giggle whenever I think of it, which is about half of the time I think of (properly spelled and pronounced) "July."

He hee heeeeee... Haw.

It also reminds me of my sister making fun of a little girl in our neighborhood for saying that her birthday was, "July Five." As opposed to "July Fifth" perhaps, or "Fifth of July."

July Five.

He.

Heh.

Well, it's hot and we're all a little lazy during the beautiful Month of July...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/18/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Off using his God-given body to plug the Gulf oil spill.

Ahem.

Actually, he's moving, but we thought the Gulf thing sounded more exciting... He'll return next week, or maybe the week after, in any event...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2010:

Now I'm not the type who gets wiggy

'bout world goin' to hell--seems no biggie.

Naught new 'neath the sun;

don't feel we're near-done...

But then, saw a fart joke--in Ziggy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2010:

In yesterday's edition, we mused on the news of someone in a Porky Pig mascot costume being attacked--and of the apparent prevalence of such assaults on mascots.

Soon after penning that edition--we do some stuff ahead of time, especially for weekends (take that, on-the-spot-news Blog World)--we read of Benny the Bull, the Chicago Bulls' mascot, being attacked.

At an amusement park called Odyssey Fun World (Tinley Park, Ill.), no less.

While Benny was escorting a group of children, no less.

Now, if we let Global Warming kill us all off, don't you think Mother Earth will recover from there, as she did with the dinosaur-killing comet and all that?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2010:

Say you're dragged to romantic flick;

or, to seein' Gaga, you're tricked.

Your Lady's pow'r? Lords it!

I've got a term for it--

so now you can say you were "chicked"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2010:

A Chicago Sun-Times report this past weekend focused on the increasing presence of gang members in the military--and of the fact that they often return to the U.S., and into gangs, with military training.

Gang members aren't officially allowed in the military, of course, but the U.S. is having a tough time identifying them.

Not sure what the priority level is on this one, though, what with those dangerous homosexuals to kick-out and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2010:

Those kids' Rock 'N' Roll camps extol

they'll teach kids hip, rebel-like soul!

Yet for teachers hired...

"background check" required?

So much for sex, drugs, Rock 'N' Roll!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2010:

Okay, as long as it's officially "normal" to be having certain financial problems at this point in time, let's get this straight--

Telephone collectors (for lack of a possibly more exact term), more often than not "robo-callers" now, exist on the theory that... People DON'T have Caller ID... And/or people pick-up calls from suspect numbers/organizations for the hell of it, especially when they owe money... People will actually call back after robo-calls, utilizing phone numbers plus extensions plus long "account numbers"... People having financial struggles will somehow, when "caught" on the line, magically receive the money necessary to rectify the account(s) in questions... And/or will run out and sell their ass to an anonymous trucker to rectify the account(s), due to the shame of receiving collection calls... So.

Why do these things exist?

Guess that since they DO exist, that must mean... Let's not delve to far into this, lest we lose all hope...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/21/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Soup? In Summer? Yes!

Lentil soup!! I know it's summer, and it's hot outside, but lentil soup is sooo good!!! And it helps with bowel movement, which is great for yer body. Chicago's Taste of Lebanon, at 1509 W. Foster, has easily some of the best lentil soup I have ever eaten.

Taste of Lebanon has become the only place I go to now for lentil soup. And I have had a lot of lentil soup. I must warn you, it has a little kick, so if that's not yer thing, which is really not mine but it's so good, then stay away.

Like most Middle Eastern spots, they also have great falafel, hummus wraps and excellent chicken salad. Another warning--the salad is only iceberg lettuce, so if you crave more than that, go elsewhere. But their chicken salad is so good. And that's a salad with chicken on it, not the mix of chicken w/mayo.

Now that I am writing about it, I'm getting hungry for it. So now I am going to leave you all, and go get me some soup!!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2010:

Gang members enlisting these days

in the military--how crazed!

Skills learned? Back to streets!

Gangs banned--brass can't beat

them out, what with kicking out gays!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2010:

Here's a sub-head/mini-story at WGN TV News' Chicago Weather Center--

"Illinois Pumpkin Crop at Risk"

Now, who the hell's thinking about pumpkins, and Halloween, at this time?

Well, visiting the weather page... We are.

Bring on Halloween and the pumpkins!

While we're at it, I'm we're also craving a freakin' snow storm...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2010:

Most guys lust for Alice, I've found.

And Trixie? Well, she's just around.

Saw rare "Honeymooners"

and craved Trixie's pooner--

Lord, when Joyce Randolph lets hair down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2010:

The start of today (midnight) marks the fact that we're half-way through the "Dog Days" of summer which, again, actually have an official definition, as in when the Dog Star, Sirius, is right above us in the night sky.

Ahem.

Well, sheez. Roastin' our nuts off here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers, and considering that everybody's chief complaint about the media is that it brings no GOOD news...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/23/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Anybody Want Their Own Entertainment Section?

Seriously, some witty, in-the-know Slapper Yapper Grasshopper?

Okay, we'll settle for just witty.

Okay. We'll settle for just a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2010:

Camped-out by AC, watching tube

Joe forced himself out--"beach and boobs"

he'd talked of all winter.

Felt toward nature, sinner--

so went to find--sweat make good lube?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2010:

Checked our site statistics this week to find, among other things... We're big in Japan.

That makes us all rock 'n' roll.

Well, relatively big in Japan. All things considered.

This past week we were, anyway.

Just always wanted to say that--

"We're big in Japan!"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2010:

Our black and Latinos face strife;

since Nine One-One, Arabs, too, rife.

Likes of Porky Pig?

Ass kicked! Trend's now big!

Theme park mascots now fear for life!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2010:

University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, addressing recently uncovered instances of "improper contact" with athletes at Southeastern Conference (SEC) schools, labeled agents involved in the scandal "pimps."

Who does Saban think he is? Jesse Jackson?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/25/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Packing for "Home"

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, especially from following this feature, that I'm a huge sap at heart. Despite all the...well, YOU know.

I am, after all, a poet.

Yes, Limericks and humor count. And that's not ALL I write, either, but... Anyway.

I'm not good with goodbyes. Inside, anyway--I hold up on the surface and all; I'm no snivelin' Nancy-boy who tears-up all the time. But I hate goodbyes. Even temporary goodbyes--before M'Lady lived nextdoor to me, I'd feel a little misty every time I left her place to head cross-town and back home.

I'm an even bigger sap, if that's possible, regarding my original home--my parents' house, where I grew-up. Well, where I mostly grew-up. (From junior high onward.)

As a sap, I visit for a few days about once a month. Parents are getting older, wanna spend time with them; sister lives out that way with my nephews; and I CAN do it, being freelance (aka marginally) employed. (And, actually, I've usually swung a couple days/month when working full-time, too--long weekend using a personal day or something.)

It's hard to describe the sadness I feel in boarding the train to come back from the rural suburb (ex-burg--they still call 'em that?) back to what would be my "real" or "actual" home now in the city. It's like a lump, not in my throat but in my gut.

Of course, during that train ride, I wax happy about seeing my cats, my fiance and her (our) dogs again, whom I all miss at that point. And life indeed balances out--a little sadness leaving the parents' is more than counteracted by the earlier excitement of leaving town for a stay in the bedroom that comforted me for so many years.

But it all brings into question the idea of home...and "home."

Is my parents' house home and my current place "home"? Or is my parent's house now "home"? In the future, should the house be sold, will anywhere I live be "home"? Or will "home" become home when I have children and cull my own family?

Oh, I guess I'm just being a sap again.

Although, arguably, sometimes I'm just a "sap"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/25/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Yeah, he's taking the week off again. But do you remember the last time YOU moved?... Yeah. So shut your taco hole; he'll return next week (we think)...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2010:

Not yet summer's midway point bubble

I read...pumpkin crop is in trouble!

Who thinks Halloween

while in summer scene?

Damn hot--bring on 'Ween--on the double!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2010:

I thought I'd take this opportunity to announce (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) that... I'm not big on sunglasses.

Don't know why. Never have been.

At points, I've WANTED to be big on them--seemed cool, some models, some people, but... Yeah.

Well.

There ya' go.

It's hot. Give us a break...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2010:

Collection calls--guess they're old hat.

But Caller ID's here and, cats?

If folks can't afford it

what, get CALLED, so whore it?

I wonder, well, what's up with THAT?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2010:

Eighteen people were killed during a stampede at the Love Parade Festival in Duisburg, Germany.

Tragic and, even more so since the festival exists to commemorate "peace and love." But the most tragic thing about the whole incident?

People actually trampled others to death over...freakin' TECHNO! Can you imagine if the festival involved, you know, actual music? The kind that takes talent and such to write?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2010:

Checked site stats--part of weekly plan.

Number of hits, locales of fans

world-wide. Now can say--

long craved, rock star way--

that, week back, were "'big' in Japan"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2010:

Okay, since the trial is of national, probably international, importance, I (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) figure this qualifies as news--

I'd like to do Patti Blagojevich.

Especially with that filthy mouth and all.

Okay, so perhaps it's more "news"--but it does qualify as "beyond local."

Perhaps a reminder is in order that we're still in the Dog Days of Summer...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/28/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte Is...

...Well, we're not exactly sure what happened here. Except that there's no edition.

Far be it from us to complain about slacking off during these Dog Days, what with some of the entries our, um, "newsroom" has put together lately, including today's but... Well, we imagine we'll hear again from Monte next week!...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2010:

Eighteen dead, stampede, Love Parade!

Today? With all progress we've made?

To...techno? Crowds swooned?

Think of Death Monsoon

if REAL music was what was played!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2010:

Martellus Bennett, pro (American) football player for the Dallas Cowboys, got in some trouble when pics of him surfaced online--nude.

Of course, there's a whole seamy story here, but what most concerns us is his position. Er, his FOOTBALL position, that is--

Tight end.

He he HAWWWW....

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2010:

Now, innocence, one can't pretend!

Nude pics hit Web, from way back when...

Now Martellus Bennett

of NFL's been hit--

oddly, his position? Tight end!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2010:

Has anybody else noticed a huge increase in "news double-dipping" lately?

You know, when, say, a full story runs in the "Features" or "Sports" section on, say, a famous zookeeper fighting off grizzlies--then another, shorter version of the same freakin' story also runs in the "News" section?

One hand not knowing what the other's doing?

Downsized to all shit and barely able to keep up?

Politicians having a field day because our alleged "Free Press" just can't cover what they're doing adequately?

All because of blogs, etc. and the Death of Journalism?

Our entire, now interconnected Western Civilization falling like the Roman Empire?

Just asking...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/30/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: We're Seeking...

Someone to write this section because... Aww, why are we even bothering?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2010:

There once was a slut from Des Moines

who hand-jobbed a baseball player's loins

in dugout! No bluff! Er,

can't say it was "suffered"--

but nonetheless, he had "pulled groin"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2010:

Florida Marlins left fielder Chris Coghlan suffered a torn meniscus in his left knee while...delivering a pie to the face of teammate Wes Helms.

Perfect Saturday story in that...well, we can't really add to the silliness...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

 

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