Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2010:

Those docs' "Xtreme Eating Awards"?

Meant to health-up the obese hordes

flaggin cal'rie-high meals,

give me heads-up on deals--

eating out's rare treat to afford!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2010:

During these trying times, many of us, struggling with employment and financial difficulties, tend to be hard on ourselves and feel that... Well, we're losers.

Now, of course, most of us probably know that there's a difference between actions/events and our "real" selves. That is, we can be in a "loser period" while still not being "losers" ourselves.

We know. It's easier said than done. But realize that, just when you think you can't possibly be anything other than a complete loser, there's a new "advancement" in loserdom.

For instance... Be thankful you're not someone who's actually spending time and money to indulge... A vacation package centered around the "reality" TV show, "Jersey Shore"...

This just in... (Don't know why it's just NOW coming in but... Well, Fred the Intern neglected to pass us the, er, wire story in time...) Howie Mandel is one creepy bastard.

How the hell did HE, of all people, get a fame resurgence?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Day After Memorial Day! (For which, by the way, the S&Y edition was filed ON the holiday itself)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2010:

Though bad times drag on, more and more,

keep faith in yourselves--I implore!

Don't feel YOU'RE a loser

when folks out there choose t'er

take tour packs based on "Jersey Shore"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2010:

So Rihanna is now upon a world tour--including a performance Sunday in Israel!

It seems that people around the world feel she simply can't be beat!

Er, we mean, um... That she's a great entertainer...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/2/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Taco Time!!!

An oldie but a goodie for me is "Taqueria El Asadero." Located right on Montrose Ave. across the street from Welles Park (2213 W. Montrose Ave., Chicago). Easily some of the best char-grilled steak tacos. I have been going here for nearly 11 years and have never really had a bad eating experience. It can get slow at times, but that is because they cook the food fresh to order. They don't cook a bunch of steak, throw it in a metal bin and reheat it when you order it. Plus they make their chips, where are my faves, and they have excellent horchata. if you don't what that is... it's a sweet vanilla-ee, cinnamony, drink that is a great thirst quencher. Check it out!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2010:

Rihanna takes her hot pop songs

on world tour with ticket sales strong!

I'm tempted to bleat

that she can't be beat...

but, well, Chris Brown sure proved THAT wrong!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2010:

In reading about the Israeli blockade on the Gaza strip, which indirectly led to the deaths of boat passengers seeking to land in Gaza anyway, we were reminded that's it's not strictly an Israeli blockade--but an Israeli-Egyptian blockade.

Just curious... Why aren't the bong-addled, "progressive" activists also protesting against EGYPT?...

According to a study from GMAC Insurance, one out of five drivers couldn't pass that written driver's test, if given one as a pop quiz.

THAT quiz? With questions like... "When a pedestrian runs out into the street into your car's path, do you a) slow down and proceed with caution; b) scream, cover hour head, slam on your brakes and pray for the best; or c) run 'em over"?

And people are afraid of flying.

We're now afraid to cross the street...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2010:

New study finds that one in five

can't pass written driver's test jive.

A MORON can pass that!

Fear flying? You're ass! That

means crossing street? Fear for your lives!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2010:

A new French "reality" show, "Game of Death," features a modern crack at a famous psychological experiment, by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s, in which participants were asked by authority figures to administer electric shocks to another person.

As with the original, the show features no real shocks but enlists an actor to sell it. The real test, of course, is as to whether something like, say, Nazi Germany could arise again.

The results of the show, which only differs from Milgram's experiment by adding the game show spin, prove that the vast majority will shock a bastard to death, simply because they're told to do it, as in the original study.

Most frightening--and there are no shortage of frightening angles here--is the fact that not only will we kill simply because the government asks--proving that we're not as socially advanced as we like to think--but that now we'll also kill for freakin' TV PRODUCERS--proving once again, as DL has been maintaining for years now, that we're in fact de-evolving...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/4/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Strange Bedfellows of Cable TV

Now you don't have to be a long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to guess that... Well, I'm probably not a heavy watcher of the cable channel Lifetime.

But I've become a regular lately.

See they've been showing "Frasier" at 11 p.m. weekdays and it's gotten to the point that "The Honeymooners," which I usually tune-in for during that slot, are episodes I've already seen and... Yup.

Not sure how the hell "Frasier" relates to the Lifetime agenda, actually. But that's less puzzling than the strange demographic the channel's pulling at that hour...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2010:

Warm June air brought couple to sloth--

park drew them like flame draws a moth!

Their lunch, they'd forgot

so he munched her twot--

with her skirt used for picnic cloth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2010:

Headline:

"More Teens Using Rhythm Method"

Hmm.

We here at Daily Limerick endorse the "Rhythm and Blues Method," actually...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2010:

Old study showed most, "lethally,"

will "shock" folks for "authorities."

French show, "Game of Death,"

makes same modern bet...

Folks now will do it for TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2010:

Headline:

"Porn Actor Allegedly Goes on Rampage"

Well, isn't that his JOB?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/6/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Senior Prom

Since it's that time of the year, I'm indulging a Trip Down Memory Lane and revisiting... My junior prom.

See, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I didn't attend my senior prom.

I had a good time for my junior prom. That wasn't the problem. In fact, I really did it up for junior prom--top hat, gloves, cane. Then again, me and a friend got a huge discount by modeling (aka wearing to school) tuxes. Still, had a ball.

For my senior prom... Off the bat, it's expensive. And especially during high school, with my earnings coming from fast-food (Long John Silver's)...I balked. But that's not why I skipped senior prom, either.

I didn't have a steady girlfriend senior year. And where some see the big honkin' deal of senior prom as reason enough to go--find someone, ANYONE to go with!... Well, life's more about the people for me. Had I a special lady, I would've made due on my Long John Silver's income, one way or another. But I hadn't.

That wasn't entirely the reason, either. See, prom is a great excuse to meet a hottie--and also a great opp for removal of panties. So I might've yet made senior prom a priority.

Then everybody started interfering. By everybody, I mean my sister and her friends. Well, more her friends than my sister herself, actually. See, Sis had a friend who was my age and she liked me. (In fact, I suspect she befriended my sister BECAUSE she liked me.) And...let's just say I didn't return the attraction. Man, was she hideous. One of my friends dubbed her, "Maude," after the old sitcom, as she kinda looked like Bea Arthur's uglier sister. And, okay, I'm not THAT superficial--her personality was even more hideous. She had this witchy cackle... Ugh.

Around that time I was being hit on by this chick whom everybody thought of as the School Slut. She wasn't as bad as her rep, but the same "everybody" was on my case about her, too, although I had no intentions of spending valuable Long John Silver's dollar taking her to prom, either. (Although I admittedly boinked her around then, partly because everybody was telling me NOT to.)

Before I digress too much... Everybody was on my case about the damn prom. "Take HER to prom! If not her, take...you-know-who... Just take SOMEONE! It's your SENIOR PROM! You HAVE to go! Do you wanna spend the rest of your life living with the fact that you DIDN'T go to your senior prom?"

Well, I AM spending the rest of my life living with the fact that I didn't attend my senior prom. And, honestly, I don't regret it at all.

So if any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there are facing a similar dilemma, as unlikely as that may seem... Well, if you're prom age, you probably shouldn't be reading this site, right? Hmm... Not sure about that either, since you only need to be 17 to get into R-Rated movies... In any event, there's a lesson in this, somewhere, I think...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/6/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The ease of creation

 

Remember that youthful ease,

when each verse jumped into being

from an endless field?

 

You were barely paying attention,

yet a new poem would lift its head

from the fertile, forgiving earth.

 

How quickly to harvest; arranging

them in a basket by the window

that overlooked the field.

 

Those memories are clouded.

It's never been easy.

And never will it be.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2010:

New study finds more teens now use

the rhythm method when they choose

type of birth control.

I'd like to extol

my fave method--"rhythm and blues"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2010:

Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers taking over-the-counter stuff for sinus-related problems this time of year?

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Most of this stuff is labeled "non-drowsy formula" but... It just makes me feel weird. Not a bad buzz--but not a good one. Just... Well, weird is a good word for it.

Why don't they just go ahead and offer us the regular "drowsy formula"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2010:

I'm pondering...Howie Mandel.

Career has resurged--doin' swell.

It's rather unnerving!

So many deserving...

and he's just... Well, creepy as hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2010:

Headline:

"Independents Will Decide Senate Race"

Now, we're not providing our typical link, or identifying the headline's accompanying story or writer because... Well, duh!

Independents decide EVERY rare. See, America has two groups of people. There are the Republican idiots who dogmatically follow, and vote for, Republicans, conservatives, right-wingers--call 'em what you will. And there are the Democratic idiots who do the same for Democrats, liberals, left-wingers, etc., blah blah blah.

Then there are the rest of us who actually think. And WE decide EVERY election.

Maybe there's a point here about how dying Old Media covers things. Maybe not. Or maybe we've already made our point...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2010:

They're s'pposed to elim'nate the "Pow!" see?

Drop "non-drowsy" drugs... I feel lousy!

Buzzed--but not a good one!

They just oughtta sell 'em

in "regular" formula--"drowsy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2010:

Today the Chicago Blackhawks could win hockey's Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Or they could lose, sending the series to the final game seven Friday.

In any event, as huge hockey fans, we've been watching. And we've noticed over the years how some of the music from our youth has evolved from off-limits for radio play to multi-generationally suitable for pumping up crowds at sporting events.

So while we don't have a witty little capper for this nugget, we've just gotta mention that we love a little Van Halen with our hockey.

We like other music with it, too, of course... But something about Van Halen and hockey is just... Magnifico!... Or something...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/9/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For...

Summertime means banana splits and malts! It's time to find the best places close to you--here in Chicago, where better than Margie's Candies?

Seriously. Located in two easy-to-get-to spots--1960 N. Western Ave. (at Armitage--the original) and 1813 W. Montrose Ave. (#2).

Seek out a place like that, where they make their own whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel and even...ice cream! Plus, Margie's makes candy!! They make ALL of their own candy themselves, and it's "Monte-licious!" The hot fudge is legendary--smooth, creamy and perfectly fudgie! And they serve some of the best, creamiest whip cream you'll ever suck past yer lips!

Margie's has been around since 1921 in it's original location. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Allegedly, the Beatles stopped there in the '60s or something.] If you love ice cream and candy, you NEED to go to a make-it-themselves place like Margie's!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2010:

Chicago sports, for while's, lacked squawk.

From Sox, five years, to Cubs... (hack, cough)...

But now--chins high up!--

for Lord Stanley's Cup

is now in the hands of Blackhawks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2010:

A false bomb threat was leveled at a Long Island airport by one...Draco Slaughter.

Call it "name-ism" or whatever you will, but someone should be on some sort of "check 'em out before letting 'em fly" list--simply for having a name like, "Draco Slaughter"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2010:

I root for my team--give 'em whalin'!

While stad'yum soundtrack should be nailin'

the music just right

for a hockey night--

I like game with little Van Halen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2010:

Hadda sneak in another hockey-related Limerick, as they won't be relevant again until fall. Not that that's ever stopped us before, of course, but... Well.

In any event the entire, er, staff of Daily Limerick is still off celebrating the Blackhawks Stanley Cup victory...

Happy Extra Cheezy Stanley Cup Victory for the Blackhawks!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/11/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Enough!

That's it. I'm not doing this feature anymore.

Not only is it often lame, but... Well, should I be killing myself with an extra section every week in order to parody newspapers, which are well en route to going the way of the dodo as it is?

I'm continuing with Sunday Story Time. And Monte's Wednesday food section. And I'd continue with this one, if somebody else wants to do it but... Well, Entertain YOURSELF, as the title says, from now on, or at least until somebody else takes the reins...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2010:

Chi-Town glows with Stanley Cup sheen!

Think of places that trophy's been...

Too bad, can't explain,

how beer and champagne

ain't the only liquids it's seen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Exactly One Month until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Okay, so we snuck in one more hockey-related Limerick for the season but... Announcing one month to go for another Daily Limerick anniversary?

Sounds good enough for an S&Y edition to us...

Happy Extra Cheezy (One Month 'Til Another Daily Limerick Anniversary) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2010:

The headline's unneeded reflection:

"Indy Voters Will Lock Election"!

See, they ALWAYS pick it--

not those with straight-ticket,

dogmatic partisan erections!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Nine Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Okay, recently, during the Stanley Cup Finals, we mentioned how we liked Van Halen music with our hockey games.

Which got us to thinkin' about a certain annoying wannabe president and... Well, we find this concept amusing--

Van Palin.

He hee.

Not sure what it is, exactly but... Haw hawwww!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/13/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Who's Pete?

I'm not entirely sure how it happened.

I think it started with my hearing my father, mother or whoever saying the phrase, "For Pete's sake!"

Which then may or may not have been shortened to my saying, "For Pete!" Or simply, "Pete!"

I do recall using the phrase, "For Pete Pooh" as a child.

In any event, in my family, "Pete" has become a buzzword, of sorts, thanks to my childhood doings.

"I'm as tired as Pete!" "It's cold as Pete in here!" For that matter, "It's hot as Pete in here." Often prompting my mother, or others, to ask, "How hot IS Pete?"

Funny story. My cousin, after visiting a couple months with my family in Illinois from his home in California, uttered to my aunt, "I'm hungry as Pete," prompting her to ask, "Who's Pete?"

Ha ha, hee heeee... Ahem. Maybe you'd have to be there. Or have been there. Or have been a part of my family. Or something.

In any event, that's enough of this. This is getting as old as Pete...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/13/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Passive

 

I want to be passive as a flute,

awaiting breath to give it force.

Quiet as a sheet

covering over restless dreams.

Simple as the sun,

burning above everyone,

until the day it dies,

and takes away the day and night.

 

Silly as a smile

on the face of one who thinks

of nothing much at all.

Think how soft my face could be.

I'll wait for things to come,

and if they don't I will not care.

I'll be simply unafraid

of fury, worry, love or fear.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2010:

Hey--rushed microwavers, please tell...

Why hit "pause"--not wait for the bell!

Don't reset clock--flashing?

Is grue, toward you, dashing?

At starvation's door? What the hell?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Eight Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Catching up on our weekend newspaper reading, which usually brings extra movie coverage... Well, we're wondering.

We suppose we could do the research and figure it out conclusively, but it seems entirely possible at this point that there are more James Bond parody movies than there are freakin' James Bond movies...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2010:

Sit down late, watch TV and mellow

old re-runs I've seen...remote... Hello!

A "Frasier" I ain't seen!

On... "Lifetime"? Cable's seen

me with some strange TV bedfellows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Seven Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Okay, we figured that most of the U.S. and Canada would be jealous...but now it's spreading to the rest of the world?

Once and for all, the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. So knock off your silly little games and copycat World Cup stuff, whatever all that's about...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2010:

A troublesome nutjob they caught fer

being false airplane bomb threat plotter

should have been a guy

on list, "Do Not Fly,"

for...having the name, "Draco Slaughter"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Six Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association finds that youth hockey leagues that allow body-checking lead to an increase in youth injuries.

Thus, groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend youth hockey leagues without checking.

Hmm. Hockey without checking... Why not just give 'em fancy outfits and call it "ice dancing"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/16/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Farmers Markets!!!

As I mentioned in an earlier edition, my wife, and now myself, are trying to be more conscious of where we get our food from and aware of how it was grown/raised. That being said, summer is the best time to get good organic food without hormones, antibiotics or other bad stuff (hopefully), from local, to somewhat local, farmers. And it can all be attained at any one of the many local farmers markets that run throughout the summer--daily in larger cities like Chicago.

Some even accept the link card (Illinois' food stamp-ish program), so you have no excuse not to support yer local, pesticide-, hormon- and everything else-free farmer. Not free items, of course, but free of chemicals and pollutants.

Most areas have some sort of listings for regular farmers markets, perhaps online as does Chicago...

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2010:

One parody more in the mix

of Bond's swingin' '60s spy tricks.

Now it seems to me

that there might well be

more parodies than James Bond flicks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Five Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

European researchers have announced, after a sprawling study involving 12,000 French men and women, that...it's harder for obese women to find sexual partners.

Ahem.

The project also mounted an accidental study of the question, "Why does so much research time and money go toward 'proving' things that everybody and their plumber's second cousin already knows?"

See, researchers were "surprised" at their findings.

Meaning researchers need to get the hell outta the lab every now and then...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2010:

There's joke here but...wit bone is failin'.

She's nuts--though spurs craves, MILF-y nailin'.

Tea-partiers flockin'

so she's sorta rockin'

which leads me to ponder... Van Palin?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Four Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Charged With Theft of Seized Cigarettes"

We'd give you details--which you can look-up via the link yourself--but the important point here is that we now have yet another Prohibition-ish Black Market and, well, have we thanked the do-gooder Big Mother activists for all their wonderful deeds lately?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/18/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Anybody?...

...Wanna take on this feature? We're not doing it anymore.

No, Fred the Intern. Not YOU... Bad intern!... Bad, bad intern...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2010:

A lipstick lesbo filmed her feast

on hippie-ass bull-dyke's love crease.

Butch babe showered rarely

so it was dubbed squarely

homemade porn's, "Beauty and the Yeast."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Three Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

I enter birthdays, anniversaries and the like into my e-mail program's calendar. Thus, I never forget such things.

Oh, Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

At some point, I was on a quest to have every day be "special." That is, I was determined to pencil something in for every day of the year, necessitating, in addition to relatives, friends and my own life's little historical dates, the birthdays of famous people I admire (or, frankly, just wanna bang).

I ended that silly quest at some point--but still have ALMOST every day of the year marked as "special," one way or another.

Which brings me to today's calendar entry, "HW 1924."

Someone was born on that date in 1924.

Someone I must REALLY admire, since it seemed I needed mere initials to bring him/her to mind.

But someone who... Well, I can't remember who the hell "HW" is. Can any of you ass bastards help?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2010:

Is whole world just tryin' to be manly?

Coincidence? Simply uncannly!

I must ask, "What's up?"

with this strange "World Cup"--

they're just jealous of our Lord Stanley's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-Two Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Researchers are having a helluva time producing a "pink pill," aka "Viagra for women."

Have they tried, say...flowers? Or perhaps picking their damn socks up from the floor and putting 'em into the laundry basket?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/20/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Revisiting T-Shirts

Partially influenced by the fact that there are, in some ways, two Chicagos--the city in the winter-fall and the city in the summer-spring--I have two "modes," winter and summer. (In case you couldn't figure that out.)

Oh, there's a little bit of in-between. I have a spring-fall jacket that's lighter than my winter one, which includes a removable lining for even more in-between, for instance. But for the most part, I have just two modes.

In the summer-spring, I often carry my "office" to the lakefront for work. (My laptop, as a marginally employed freelancer.) I wile away evenings when I can in front of my barbecue grill. In the winter-fall, I don't spend so much time at the lake, but fire still plays a crucial role--burning my fireplace as opposed to charcoal in the grill.

I likewise have two wardrobes. Long-sleeve shirts and jeans/slacks for one, short sleeves and shorts for the other. (Trust you can figure out which is which.) When job interviews, performing gigs (which I dress-up for), special events, etc. arise, the two modes don't differ so much (although I have short- and long-sleeved dress shirts), but I do have winter and summer hats. (A warm derby/bowler and a light, hard-to-tell-it's-nylon fedora, both black.)

(Those hats are, of course, my primary hats, as I also have a brown fedora-ish number and a sprawling hat collection--most of which have only seen use in sketch comedy endeavors--not a baseball cap guy nor one to wear a beanie with a spinner atop regularly.)

Some of my long-sleeved shirts have logos and such, but it's the short-sleeved, summer-spring T-shirts that sport the majority of 'em. Thus when warm weather finally hits--although spring and fall bring some back-and-forth, with winter mode one day, summer the next--for a couple of weeks I enjoy rediscovering my T-shirt stash.

What makes this even more exciting is the fact that I'll receive some T-shirts for Christmas or other winter-fall occasions that, of course, I put in with the T-shirts and don't wear until... May, usually. Sometimes late April.

Thus getting dressed in early summer-spring means the excitement of rediscovering T-shirts old and new, with all of them thus being "new" on some level.

So... Okay, this ain't gonna make the cut for a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book, but if you've learned nothing else from Sunday Story Time, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I hope you have a greater realization that the best things in life are often the little things.

The big things are great, of course, but life is mostly about the little ones, so there's where you should seek most enjoyment--and with that I'm feeling a little sappy and might have to go take a shower, or better yet, roll around in some mud...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/20/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Spill it

 

Cover me in your shining liquid,

the fuel that gets me going

in the morning. You're as much

a part of the road as my car,

which brings me to you for more.

 

Let's meet on the beach indiscreetly.

Point out your favorite birds to me

while the surf makes impressions

on the sand. Dead crabs the dice

waiting for the roll.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2010:

Researchers seek "pink pill" for power

of Lady Viagra to "wow!" her

into state of lust.

So far, it's a bust--

but have those researchers tried...flowers?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty-One Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

I suppose Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are aware that Breakfast Sausage King (and noted musician, we've recently learned) Jimmy Dean died last week.

(Sigh.)

A real tragedy in the sausage-making American community, what with Scott Peterson in prison for that Laci murder and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2010:

Not due to supply or to prices

but Jimmy Dean died, man of spices,

while Scott Peterson's

jailed on murder one...

We're 'mid a full-scale sausage crisis!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twenty Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

We're not the biggest of baseball fans here at Daily Limerick. But we're HUGE fans of the antics surrounding baseball's mascots.

You may recall the Milwaukee Brewers sausage-costume guy taking a whack from a baseball bat a few years back. Or the Seattle Mariners' Moose crashing into outfielder Coco Crisp on an ATV thingie.

Now, the Pittsburgh Pirates' Pierogi, Andrew Kurtz, has been fired for posting Facebook comments critical of the organization's contract extension for manager John Russell.

It gets better. Or, well, it continues to get weird. Immediately after Kurtz' firing, he was offered a position with the minor league Washington (Pa.) Wild Things as a "racing hot dog."

Do "reality" TV producers all have some gene that just has them missing the boat on the best subject matter that reality, aka non-"reality," has to offer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2010:

Whacked sausage--by play'r out-of-hand!

Moose on ATV--player rammed!

Pierogi team-bashin'!

Baseball ain't my fashion

but its mascots? I'm a huge fan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Nineteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Our modern world is going down the tubes, unlike the "Good Ol' Days" of the '90s or '80s or '60s or whenever the hell we grew up... Right? Seems to be the standard philosophy.

Turning our eye to comedy... In the Good Ol' Days--or we might call 'em the Great Ol' Days of Comedy--early episodes of "The Honeymooners" were only 15 minutes long, commercials included.

Those were perhaps the best episodes of the show, we might add.

Now today, one of the finer TV shows around, "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," is released in episodes of...15 minutes in length.

Hmmm.

Of course, the mostly disposable catalog of show on Cartoon Network are only 15 minutes, too, but... We'll ignore that fact and wallow in the Magic of it all nonetheless...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/23/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: WATERMELON!!! (Said like a gang slogan)

Watermelon is my all-time favorite summer fruit to eat! Seedless or seeded. I can almost eat a whole, large watermelon all by myself. And I am very proud of that fact.

Go enjoy yer summer--and eat lots of watermelon!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2010:

Researchers find... I'm less than floored.

Obese folks--less likely to score.

Claimed find was "surprise."

Thus we can surmise...

Researchers need to get out more!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Eighteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Now, much has been made about the "women" of "The Flintstones"--how Betty Rubble is the hot wife, as opposed to Wilma Flintstone, who isn't commonly regarded as un-hot but... Yeah.

We've always found it interesting that on the show that inspired the 'Stones, it's the reverse--Alice Kramden (the model for Wilma, played by Audrey Meadows) is the hot one, as compared to Trixie Norton (the model for Betty, played by Joyce Randolph) although, again, one wouldn't kick Trixie out of one's bed for eatin' crackers.

But we saw one of the early "Honeymooners" and Trixie wears her long hair down and... Hubbala Bubbala Boomski! (I tried searching for a relevant pic, but I guess that was a rare look for her and... Hell. You're reading THIS. Find it yourself--you obviously have time on your hands.)

Guess that's our "news" for today. We were gonna cover the BP oil spill, of course, but Fred the Intern got lost, took the wrong turn at Albuquerque...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2010:

Kids' doctor groups are now advancing,

for youth hockey, rules for not chancing

risk of body checking.

For HOCKEY? They're wrecking

it--why not just call it, "ice dancing"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Seventeen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

It used to take something like, say...spending an afternoon on the boss' yacht or something to feel a taste of the ol' Lap of Luxury.

Oh. Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Anyway, I happened into a little better financial situation for the month via my marginal employment and feel I'm livin' High on the Hog by...seeing a doctor about an illness thingie, rather than toughing it out, as I usually do...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/25/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahem...

...I ain't doin' this one anymore--but would still like someone to do it... Any takers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2010:

Hot day--young turk took a nude swim.

Flipped backstroke and caused quite a din!

They cleared out the beach--

thought shark was in reach!

'Twas so well hung, thought "it" shark fin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Sixteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Yay! We're halfway to Christmas!

Er... That was YESTERDAY, we suppose. But we missed the annual reminder.

Oops and all...

Happy Extra Cheezy (Just Over Halfway to Christmas) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2010:

A taste of luxury--what is it?

to some, say, a yacht ride--that 'tis it.

But I've gotta log

life High on the Hog

when sick, paying for doctor's visit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Fifteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

Since we're now officially into summer (and we're out of town when penning this, thus a little light on legitimate news punditry), it's time for our annual reminder--

It's not the heat, it's the stupidity!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/27/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sick Days

I don't recall ever having a job that allotted me "sick days."

One gave me "personal days," which could be used as sick days, I suppose.

In fact, as I've mostly worked for small organizations, out of job-duty necessity, I don't think I've ever even called-in sick. Well, at least since my drinking days--and then I usually wasn't sick proper (or perhaps the "sickness" was due to my drinking).

Now, concerning Daily Limerick, and specifically Sunday Story Time, I've taken off for various reasons.

But, as with the rest of my work (and "work"), haven't called-in, or in this case checked-in, sick.

Thus today... Well, I do have a doctor's appointment slated as I pen this a bit ahead of time, which launches a light bulb over my head...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/27/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Sitting amongst a bunch of cardboard boxes and calling it "home," preparing for a move... He'll return some time this summer...

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2010:

Missed Pride Day Limerick yesterday!

So'll so late what I meant to say--

I support the cause

and gay-friendly laws!

Hope yours was quite happy and...gay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Fourteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

After arguably cheezing-off the S&Y content for the last couple of days, it seems a shame to not make it three cheeze-offs in a row, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2010:

Some smuggling news--but there's a twist!

Was cigs--new to contraband list--

'cause they're so damn taxed!

So's not to be lax--

hey, thanks, Big Mother activists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Thirteen Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

So the Hallmark Channel is launching a salute to the 25th anniversary of Dollywood.

You know, the theme park from country legend Dolly Parton?

First of all... Well, HALLMARK? Of all the prominent cable networks out there... HALLMARK is the best we can get to salute Dolly Freakin' Parton?

And let's take a look at the "stars" helping salute her and her park (I can't say legends, or even "legends")... Well, there's Kenny Rogers. That's all fine and good. Next up on the bill? Bill Ray Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus.

Some "salute." We can only hope it's secretly a roast and, at some point, Willie Nelson or some such will appear and explain that it's all a joke...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2010:

So... Hallmark? THEY'LL celebrate Dollywood?

Its twenty-five years--guess SOME channel should!

With... Bill, Miley Cyrus?

Acts already've tired us?

Get ANYONE better--you'd think they could!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2010:

COUNTDOWN: Twelve Days until Daily Limerick turns Eleven!... Kinda anti-climactic, after all the years gearing up for a decade around this time, but rather than, you know, ignore 'em until we hit a milestone like Fifteen or whatever, well... We think it's the Taco Anniversary, if you must send gifts...

The Feds have nabbed 10 Russian spies seeking to penetrate the inner circle of U.S. government and... Hmmm.

Okay, this whole retro craze has officially gone too far...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/30/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Tip for Summer Festival Eating (from the Taste of Chicago)

Taste of Chicago is here--and you may want to be there.

If you go to these... The Taste, f'rinstance, can be a bit pricey. I suggest you do not go hungry! Hear me out--

Eat light, so yer not full, just satisfied, then head down to the Taste. Walk around, look at everything, compare prices, then eat. Sometimes you can find the same thing at one place, then more inexpensive at the next. For instance--a slice of stuffed sausage pizza is 7 or 8 tix from Bacino's, but is only 6 from Lou Malnati's. The only reason I knew that was because I walked around and looked at all of my options first.

Don't get got at the taste!!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

 

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