Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2010:

Consumer Reports... What the heck?

Puts Toyota at top of peck-

-ing order, cars green.

I guess what they mean

is... Can't pollute much when they wreck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2010:

Okay, this story is getting old now, and we were just gonna ignore it, being Hella-Ridiculous and all but... Okay.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has actually saw fit to spend time, effort and money with a campaign to prompt hotdog makers to craft their wieners in different shapes, so that kids don't choke on them.

Guess it would be too much trouble to instead mount a PSA campaign instructing parents to put down their freakin' iPhones and SLICE UP THE HOTDOGS FOR VERY YOUNG CHILDREN...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2010:

Some kids' group is tryin' to provoke

change in hotdog shape, 'cause kids choke.

Here's tip, may seem darin'--

try being a PARENT--

and slice 'em for young girls and blokes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Farrakhan Slams 'White Right'...Says They've Targeted Obama, Claims 'Zionists' Run Congress"

Guess we've gotta give him credit for consistency, but why are we reminded of those old toys where you pull a string to get 'em to squawk a variety of catchphrases?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2010:

In Ill'nois, elected a guy,

for Dem nom who... Well. Hookers! Knives!...

But go on and log

on for free news--blogs--

help your right to be informed die!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Tigers' Cabrera Denies He's an Alcoholic"

That's Miguel Cabrera of Major League Baseball's Detroit Tigers, who engaged last year in some late-season, liquored-up antics that... Well, in this case, he very well may be the "A-Word."

Then again, maybe not.

Practically speaking, though, the question's moot. Once the Big Rehab Movement labels you, you may be correct in denying it, but that only puts you "in denial"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/3/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Results Are In And...

...They're a bit wishy-washy.

In last week's edition, we asked Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers whether this section was worthy of continuation, considering... Oh, see the freakin' Archives for last Wednesday.

In any event, our answer said that this section was entertaining, but also... See the bleepin' Archives for Feb. 26, there, Chuckles.

So... We're continuing this section, at least for now. Although we've conveniently avoided a real topic on this one.

See, a wishy-washy letter in semi-support of something, for our,  er, "readership," is like a damned violent protest otherwise...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2010:

From East and West, from South and North!

It's holiday--so thus comport(h)!

A New Spring is coming!

Greet Life smiling, humming...

Dreams come true ahead--so March Fo(u)rth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2010:

We learned of this interesting fact concerning today's date--pronunciation makes it the only calendar day that's also a command, thus a "holiday," thus a "special" Limerick--thanks to Mike Chmielecki.

You know, of the "special" Sunday section, "Mike's Accursed Verse," er, "fame"?

Actually, I think the clever take was passed-on to him from a friend but... Isn't that how it goes?

Anyway, it seems like just yesterday he informed me but... I think it's years ago, now. But... Well, isn't that how it goes?

Maybe next year I'll honor him by putting his name into the Limerick.

Well, perhaps using the "Mike" park of his name.

As you can imagine... Although I've done it before, it ain't easy crafting a five-line, limited-syllable verse around, "Chmielecki"...

Happy Extra Cheezy March Fo(u)rth!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2010:

Haiti relief--cannot yet ebb.

And though noble to join aid Web...

Ads with Jul'ya Roberts?

I just wanna pop her--

cause hurt by smug-ass, rich celebs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2010:

U.S. auto sales are up and leading the pack is Ford, with a 43.3 increase as compared to its nearest competitor, GM, with a 12.7 percent uptick.

You may recall that Ford was the only major U.S. automaker to refuse government bailout money.

Any bank execs paying attention here?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/5/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: How 'Bout THIS Section?...

Two Wednesdays ago, we asked whether our Wednesday "Eat It!" section was still valid, citing our reasons for wondering, and last Friday we received a reply saying... Oh, see the Archives.

Anyway, now the question... Well, how about THIS section? You Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers get anything out of it? Ever check-out the Links to any bands mentioned here? Are you tired of me reaching for topics, like with this week's edition?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2010:

A dyke would could not pay the high toll

game toll both chick wink and an eye roll

toward her back seat

then gave oral treat--

which shows why the call it a "pie hole"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2010:

Kristen Bell.

Now THAT'S good eatin'...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/6/2010:

Mike Chmielecki of Accursed Verse, um, "fame," checks-in with this, following-up on our mention of him in Thursday's edition, specifically how he informed us that March Fourth is a day of, er, celebration, considering it's the only calendar date that, said aloud, is a command, adding extra, fascinating insight into the matter--

> Yep. My roommate told me that. Er ... happy March fifth.

March Fifth?

Oh, that's when the letter came in. But... Fascinating insight, no?

His roommate told him.

We outta be up for some sorta investigative award for this one...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2010:

That slang phrase that many are bleatin'--

cook-outs, rest'raunts that are hard beatin'?

I'll use it as well

for...say, Kristen Bell

and thus proclaim... Now, THAT's good eatin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2010:

Newspaper real estate advertising supplement headline:

"Brighter Outlook for Chicago-Area Housing Forecast for 2010"

Genius.

As if the housing situation has any other direction to go in...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/7/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Fired!

Last Sunday, I wrote about this restaurant job I took, thanks to this shitball economy, and the supra-shitball state of journalism, and my fears about going into what, for me, is a "grunt" field, and the difficulties of adjusting to a normal-folks works schedule after being marginally employed, but a self-busying individual, and... Ahem.

There are Archives on the site, you know.

Well, I was fired.

Oh, I was told I was just "let go," that they needed someone more experienced in the field, despite the fact that they well knew about my lack of recent restaurant experience ahead of time and... I still think "fired" is the right word.

I didn't fuck anything up. I wasn't given enough responsibility to fuck anything up. Made coffee and other drinks, as I've done before. Asked questions, seemed to be bothering the boss/owner who gave me the chance, so laid-off the questions, waiting for her to show me stuff... Nothing.

No cash register lesson, no scheduling lesson...nothing. And I was supposed to be training for a manager-type thing. Or at least an assistant manager-type thing.

Hey, if I WOULD'VE, say, misbalanced a cash register and lost the joint hundreds of bucks, or scalded a customer with a cafe macchiato or whatever, I'd 'fess up. It'd make a more exciting entry than this piece of crap and, in this economy, pride is at an all-time low. Which is why I even TOOK the freakin' job.

I'm not entirely sure WHAT happened.

Some friends and family were urging me to press for an explanation. But when I went in to get my week's pay in shame, not even saying goodbye to the pretty waitresses I'd briefly worked with... Well, the joint was a bit busy. And I don't really care.

I'm less than happy about being led-on and consequently "let go." But it's not like I lost a dream job.

Oh, and to make it even more insulting, they made me buy a lock for a stupid employee locker--blew $5 on that--and I wasn't even able to retrieve it, post firing. Exterminator came and they cut 'em all off or something.

I guess I got a week of pay I wouldn't have otherwise but... Anybody got a football they want me to run at and kick?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/7/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The universe is screaming in our ear

 

The morning after the night

in question, we went out

on errands and were increasingly

aware of the children everywhere.

Their laughter and tantrums and

general carrying on

sewed up the air

on all sides of the store.

We could almost pinpoint them

by echolocation, ping!, ping!,

a living map with moving landmarks.

We were the spinning compass.

 

The day after that, we cracked

open some nervous conversation

on the phone, joking about names

while also not joking

about names. (These conversations

are still happening.)

 

I left the TV on that night

and woke up to a morning show

segment about. Well.

If there is no such thing

as coincidence --

 

Well.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/7/2010:

Okay, so Mike, of Accursed Verse, uh, "fame," checks in regarding our call for input on the usefulness of our Friday Entertain Yourself section, after answering a similar call regarding the Wednesday Eat It! section--

> To be honest, I sort of gloss over the Entertain Yourself

> section. I read it occasionally, but I can't remember ever

> clicking on a link to go to a band's website. How's that

> for not wishy-washy? ;)

Okay, so we've made headway against the wishy-washiness in Slapper Yapper Grasshopper suggestion problem.

Next, on to the problem of uselessness...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2010:

With auto sales starting to soar

up leading the pack is... Yay, Ford!

And isn't it funny--

Ford shunned bailout money!

Buy Ford, shun the other tax whores!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2010:

Comedienne/actress Mo'nique has revealed to Barbara Walters that she's only TRIED shaving her legs once.

So she's finally coming out of the closet, eh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2010:

So housing's, say "experts" in-know,

prediction this year... Upward, ho!

's'Why they make big money--

see housing has, funny,

no other direction to go!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2010:

Courts across the United States are having numerous problems with jurors Twitting and Facebooking and... Well, generally using the Great Tech Time Wasters, aka social networking sites, when they should be... Well, doing other things.

In fact, numerous mistrials and such have resulted thanks to the e-skylarkings.

We're resisting the urge to toss off our recurring, standard line on this sort of thing... Ahem.

And we can't dub ourselves blameless in this. I (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) have even broken down and set-up a Facebook page recently. I even log-in to it once a week!

Aw, what the hell--have we thanked the social networking sites for all the great contributions they've made to society lately?...

Were reading-up on U.S. health care "reform" last weekend and... Man, were we snowed!

I guess, deep down, we really knew that. Maybe we just wanted to believe, caught up in the Obama Magic "Change" Train and all but... Did you know there are six health insurance lobbyists per member of Congress? Have been, the whole time this alleged push for health care "change" has been unwinding.

And the politicians who've taken campaign money from Big Health Insurance? We're not talking just Tea Party folks here. F'rinstance, Nancy Pelosi's taken $1.6 million.

Especially ironic when considering that one of Pelosi's first big moves when becoming Speaker of the House of Representatives was to ban smoking in the only remaining smokers' haven in Congress. A room that had already reached such a point that, with secondhand science and all, Congressional aides weren't even allowed to enter to, say, empty ashtrays and clean up.

So one of Pelosi's first Big Statements entailed "protecting" smokers from their own secondhand smoke.

It's so easy to LOOK like you care about the nation's health, isn't it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2010:

Courts 'cross the land seek a solution--

jurors Twit, Facebook--gen. e-douchin'!

The time's again right...

Hey, networkin' sites--

thanks for all your, er, "contributions"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2010:

Got a call from one of those focus group organizations this week.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

I've signed-up with a number of them, as it seems I'm chronically marginally employed, having majored and built experience in journalism, as a way of bringing in extra cash.

I've done this for many years, even when the economy was better and I was freelancing at least part-time. Why not? But I've only actually DONE a focus group/research study... Once? Maybe twice or even three times, but I can only remember one off hand.

See, someone calls ahead of time and screens you. For instance... "How many times a week do you purchase coffee from a coffeehouse or other retailer?" And I'll answer, "On an average week, zero times."

They want shameless consumers. I know this. Perhaps should lie. But... Well, I'm too honest and all that stuff.

So this week's call... I was asked about shavers and whether I was using certain brands they named.

I was not using the brands cited and said so.

"Well, I can book you for the $75 focus group if, you know, you're using any of those brands," the dame said.

"Well... I'm not," I said.

"It's your call. If you...um, if you say you're using those brands, I can put you down for..."

"Honestly, I'm not using those brands."

So there you go. Sorry to upset your faith in humanity but, apparently, focus groups and marketing research are also things that, surprise surprise, aren't exactly on the level...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/10/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: What to Make of the Shamrock Shake?

The McDonald's Shamrock Shake is a seasonal staple this time of year. I've seen the commercials, I've overheard people talking about grabbing one and I remember, as a kid, the feeling that I just HAD to get a Shamrock Shake soon because it was March.

This March craving persisted into my adulthood, as well as its eventual indulgence. Until a few years ago when I finally started to think about the phenomenon.

It wasn't so much questioning my vulnerability to marketing, although that was certainly a part of it. Even without such commercial prompting, I'm big on calendar marks. Barbecue Season for about six months, fireplace season for about six months, paczki for Paczki Day (Fat Tuesday), scary movies for Halloween Season and Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday... And, of course, Christmas. I even try, usually in vain, to do something pilgrim-y for that Thanksgiving window. I could go on and on. You name a holiday or time of year, I'm looking for an excuse to commemorate.

So I got to thinkin'... Do I really like the Shamrock Shake that much? I mean, sure, somebody offers me one--"They gave me an extra Shamrock Shake in the drive-thru on accident; you want it?"--I'll take it. It's tasty enough, like any shake. And that's the question. Is it so much better than, or different from, any other shake?

What flavor is a Shamrock Shake, anyway? I guess it has a hint of mint, but it's certainly nothing bold.

So for that year of first pondering the shake, I made sure to NOT get a Shamrock Shake. Since then, I've let the randomness of the universe decide. If I end up stopping at McDonald's around this time of year, as an afterthought, I'll say, "Might as well grab a Shamrock Shake."

As far as the questions I've raised here, about whether it tastes better, or significantly different, than other shakes, etc... I don't know. The more I ponder the Shamrock Shake, the more I'm confused.

But in typing this entry, now I strangely crave one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2010:

Think health reform Pelosi's stoking?

Closed Congress' last room for smoking?

Expect change? Well, chill--

that 1.6 mill.

from Big Healthcare proves she's just joking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2010:

So American Movie Classics... Why do we even bother? Over the years we've pointed out stuff like... Oh, "Catwoman"... Anyway.

Caught an AMC flick yesterday that we'd taped many moons ago and just got around to watching. "Blazing Saddles," the old Mel Brooks flick. Certainly a "classic," so that part's okay but... Hmm.

Given the station's name alone, a reverence for staple Hollywood movies would seem in order. Or are we asking too much?

And one of the best ways to embody that reverence for the classics? Bleeping naughty words...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2010:

"Amer'can Movie Classics"--keeping

flicks shown's stated goal. Why then leaping

to please squeamish lame-os

by ruining, for shame-o,

flicks' dialogue with "bad" word bleeping?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2010:

There's a movement a foot to add a new, um, "sport" to the Olympics... Pole dancing.

More exciting than curling, we suppose, but what isn't?

Aw, what the hell? Why not just add telemarketing and be done with it?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/12/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Modern Hat Tricks

In hockey, and perhaps in soccer for all I know, a "hat trick" occurs when one player scores three goals in a game. The fans are then supposed to toss their hats onto the ice, at least if the hat trick was netted by a member of the home team.

I imagine this was more of a dillio back in the day, when people regularly sported fedoras and derbies and such.

These days, you see mostly baseball caps. I saw one recently where people were throwing...stuffed animals, I think they were? Anyway, some sorta figurine things that were given away at the stadium in question that day.

So I guess you can say that here we go again, lamenting another thing-a-ma-jig that just isn't the same in these modern times. And you'd be right in saying that.

Then again, even if you take me back in a time machine, I ain't throwin' MY nice derby onto the ice, as much as I love my Chicago Blackhawks. Too expensive. Not to mention that sometimes it's a bit of a trick in itself finding one in stock that fits just right, even at a hat emporium. Still, I'd like to see everybody else throwing nice hats onto the ice...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2010:

Guy teen, fing'rin' girl 'hind the mall,

asked, "Pussy or ass--it's your call!"

She said she'd like both

so his antidote?

Picked her up like a bowling ball!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2010:

A British Medical Journal online survey finds that... Men are more into sex than women.

Ahem.

Now, we've more than beat a dead horse, making of these "studies" and such but... Really, just do one on whether the sky is blue or not and get it over with...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2010:

A movement seeks 'Lympic enhancing

by adding the sport of... Pole dancing?

Toward nonsense, Games whirling,

but, 'long as there's curling--

this one I can watch while de-pantsing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline, regarding Haitians reactions to incoming aid:

"Cheers for Candy, Toothpaste"

Well. Those two things seem to go together, don't they?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/14/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Snowed-In!

In late January, I took a trip from Chicago to the ex-burbs, where my parents live. I generally do that, for a couple days, a weekend, whatever, on a monthly basis, when I can. Help my parents out around the place, etc. And in the colder months, feel a bit like a kid, even sleeping in my old bedroom, etc. I usually bring a mess of firewood back to Chicago for my fireplace, as my dad rounds up more than he can handle on their property, with help of a family friend's pickup truck.

A snowstorm hit on this visit. While the streets were cleared by afternoon, my parents live in the boonies and there was no way to get in and out of our driveway before afternoon, which would have been necessary to keep the original wood-hauling schedule. And while the family friend was willing to reschedule, the next day wasn't good for him, so a two-night stay by the parents turned into a four-nighter.

I was snowed-in! Okay, on a technicality, you might argue, but... Work with me here.

Who doesn't like being snowed-in? Perhaps workaholics and general poopy-pantses. But it's a great throwback to childhood, when you'd pray for tons of snow so that school'd be canceled.

It's happened to me only a few times as an adult. A great way to absolve yourself of adult responsibilities for a day because, really, what can you do? There are deadlines at work, the real world doesn't wait but... You're snowed-in!

If the City of Chicago can lay-off a bit with its famous, crack snow removal system, we can have a more pleasant winter next time around. Aw, what the hell--there's still bound to be a good snow this year, it being only March.

Now if I can only end my perpetual semi-employment, because it's hard to feel entirely snowed-in when you're working from home to begin with (and the laptop ain't helpin' matters, either)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/14/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Connected

 

I awake on this cold, gleaming

ship and sit up from the floor.

The computers steering me away

from you are too quiet.

There is nothing about them

that reminds me of the beat

of your heart, the sound of

your breath.

 

Out the window I see Earth.

A trembling pinpoint,

mostly blue and receding.

Too distant to discern

the continents.

I stare at it until

my vision doubles,

and look away.

 

The drugs that kept me asleep

during the first few hours

are fading. It takes a minute

to remember this flight

was my decision. I was not the

center of some great conspiracy.

No nations rose up to push me

onto a prison ship.

 

When you first walked into my lab

I knew I was in trouble.

You were kind, contemplative,

and curious. Maybe too curious.

But I was careful.

I knew of the chemical reactions,

their subtle gradations, that

can lead to the wrong impressions.

 

Besides, it made more sense to focus

on my work: A path-clearer,

cleaning up old modes of thought,

old formulas based on outdated

assumptions, aligning them with

the present. Nothing as outwardly

impressive as new discoveries,

but important.

 

My toil had a surety of purpose

that could not be swayed.

I was not looking for praise.

I just wanted to shut myself away

from the distractions of life,

to parse without interruption.

But you insisted on asking

not just about my work, but me.

 

Your questions never ended.

You asked them tactfully

but I did not have

the answers, did not

possess the vocabulary.

I certainly did not intend

to misread your smile,

your hand brushing mine.

 

This ship is old,

not nearly light speed.

I doubt I will live

to see the edge of

our solar system.

I will likely be dead

before this craft

passes the gas giants.

 

But what will sustain me

are your shining, watery eyes,

burning with light as brilliant

to me as supernovae.

I understood the ideal

of beauty then, why people

build time into their lives

to pursue dreams of intimacy.

 

Thank you for that gift,

though I am sorry, I truly am.

The tears that squeezed

out of the corners of your eyes

after I strangled you

in the faculty bathroom.

I realized then, absolutely,

I am connected. You made me see.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2010:

If you hold your Christmas time dear

and buy a real tree to stoke cheer

you'll learn, much like Scrooge,

through needle deluge

to keep (and sweep) Christmas all year!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2010:

A survey shows that St. Patrick's Day spending will be up this year and... St. Patrick's Day spending? Didn't think that was a prominent economic ticker.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPENDING? On... More than booze and vomit-cleaning agents?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2010:

Thought we'd see healthcare reform done?

A real diff, since Democrats won

Pfft! Party identity

means jack, when industry's

six lobbyists for each one!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2010:

It's St. Patrick's Day Eve!

Whoo-whoo! Party on! Let's get... Okay. We'll cop to the fact that we're not the biggest St. Patrick's Day revelers here at Daily Limerick. (We fell into this Limerick thing, really, by... Oh, see the "History" section on the site and such. The Chief Limericist has no Irish blood and was such a drunk years back that he doesn't even imbibe anymore so... Uh-huh.)

But being we're... Well, LIMERICK-related, many probably figure we SHOULD be all into the holiday, so, out of all the cheap-o, half-assed-edition days off of this section we've indulged, this one should is actually deserved...

Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day Eve!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2010:

They say St. Pat's spending will rise

this year despite... What? St. Pat's buys

make 'nuff of a diff'rence

that "experts" do list 'em?

What? Booze and puke-cleaning supplies?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2010:

Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

What? You want more from us? Can't a freakin' LIMERICK site take the only semi-relevant Limerick-ish holiday off?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/17/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Corned Beef and Cabbage

Well.

What the hell else do you want me to write about on St. Freakin' Patrick's Day?

For that matter, what else do the Irish have to offer, culinary-wise? Corned beef hash... Haggas?... I guess there's Irish stew and such but... Corned beef and cabbage.

And, what, you want to see a recipe or something? For what? How to corn stuff? I'm not getting into that and, frankly, it'd be ridiculous. You can pick up a brisket on the cheap. You just boil the damn cabbage, perhaps with carrots. I can't help you much.

Of COURSE I use the holiday as an excuse to make corned beef and cabbage, which I don't generally make any other time of the year. (Although it's a good idea; tasty stuff.)

So... Yeah. Go grab some corned beef and cabbage. Between pukin' your guts out, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2010:

Researchers seek out things to do.

Now Brit study tells me and you

that sex drive guys got

beats chicks'. Hey, why not

just do one to prove sky is blue?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2010:

So First Lady Michelle Obama has this obesity initiative and... Hmm.

Sorry, but we gotta come out in favor of First Ladies... Well, just smiling for the camera and looking pretty.

Actually, we should say First SPOUSES as had, say, Clinton won this time around, we'd expect Bill to do the same. Except looking pretty, of course. He's good at looking dopey, anyway.

It's not that Michelle Obama isn't intelligent, experienced, all that. And it's nothing personal--we're talking about ANY First Spouse.

I suppose there are arguments, and good ones, for First Spouses DOING something tangible. But... To us, it just seems a bit Yoko...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2010:

We grow fat on sloth, sweets and cocoa

so First Lady's Fit Push ain't loco.

Resume, attractive.

But First Ladies active?

I say stick with fashion--seems... Yoko.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2010:

Sony Pictures head Michael Lynton is calling on theater owners to offer more healthy snack alternatives, citing a survey in which two-thirds of moviegoers said they'd be likely to buy such snacks.

Well, yeah, that's what they SAY. People SAY a lot of things--and like to blame others for being fat-asses. Remember when Ruby Tuesday's... Oh, we could cite all sorts of facts and stats... We'll leave it at this--

Why can't you still get a McLean?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/19/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Daylight Savings Time Sucks Ass

Once again this year, Daylight Savings Time totally threw me for a loop.

Yeah, it's only a difference of one hour, but somehow, some way, my body clock gets whacked off schedule, I sleep later than I intended, feel outta sorts... And this year, I sorta tried preparing for it by going to bed an hour early, one night soon before the time change.

Realize, though, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that this does NOT mean I support locales and states like Arizona, who refuse to make the change. That just screws everyone up all the more--say you're a Californian driving to New Mexico and you find yourself chronologically challenged somewhere around Tucson.

No, a return to sanity must start at the top. This supposedly arose as a World War thing, to allow more time for work to be done on home soil but... Why didn't they just get up an hour earlier? Change the whole freakin' nature of time for half a year for something so butt stupid?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This allows more daylight for barbecues but... Well, it's not like I run inside at the crack of sundown. Between electricity and the glow of the coals, I'll manage with my grill for however long I'm 'cueing.

And here's some breaking news--people go out and party even after the sun goes down, somehow managing to find their way home. The whole earth and orbit thingie ensures that summer has more sunlight, anyway, so what's with this idiocy in the name of ONE MORE DAMN HOUR?

Oh, and this relates to the "Entertain Yourself" angle because I tied it into barbecue and going out and stuff, so I'm NOT reaching for topics to fill this damn weekly section and thanks, oh so much, for all your input, rather than your typical Slapper Yapper Grasshopper collective "duh!" whenever I ask for your take on things...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2010:

The first day of spring has arrived!

So indulge that "birds and bees" jive!

Bring bird to your nest--

real queen bee, the best!--

and go worker-drone on her hive!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Suspect Accused of Stealing 23 Bottles of Rogaine from CVS"

And he almost got away with it. Missed escape by a hair. Well, actually, by a whole bunch of hairs. While receding from the scene of the crime.

Must've been tough in court for Mr. Joseph R. Garcia. We're sure he felt he was behind the cueball.

And we think we know exactly what his lawyer said about the charges. "That's a bald-face lie!"

He hee.

Ahem...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of Spring!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2010:

I hold sacred, Ma Nature's grace--

but leather, oft dons, not just lace!

In Midwest, consider

first day, spring, comes hither--

and snowstorm slaps us in the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2010:

Okay, if that recent push to convert all television to digital was truly a "for the people" initiative--you know, because digital is much more reliable than the old analog, although stations were already beginning to slowly and, more importantly, carefully convert to digital before being forced... Anyway.

If it was that, and not some cheap ploy to get everyone to buy, er... Why is it that everyone we know either now gets fewer free channels than they did before the switch, with those craptastic TV boxes--and they need freakin' old-school antennae to work 'em, on top of it--or they've, who'd have thunk?--broke down and bought cable?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/21/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Tryin' to Stay Dickens

The economic situation is America today is awful.

Godawful.

Satan Awful.

No big news, you may think, but I mean that it's far worse than it's even being portrayed. The technical definitions of "unemployment rate" and "recession vs. depression" and all of that aside, as far as I'm concerned, this IS a Great Depression, and I'll be describing it with that tone in mine in conversations with my grandkids.

Sure, September 11 sucked. But it's not going to be a main "You think YOU have it bad?" talking point.

I know virtually NOBODY unaffected by this. Honestly, I may in fact know nobody, losing the "virtually," but I'm allowing for the fact that maybe I'm forgetting somebody. Even those I know who are "employed" are cutting back, seeing lower wages/less business, what have you.

I'm the type know to my friends and cohorts as somebody seemingly unaffected by outside crap. I manage to appear cool and collected even during, say, working the swarm of a newspaper's deadlines. (Newspapers...speaking of something from the past to tell the grandkids about.) When cheering-up is needed, I'm always the one doing the cheering.

But this is really getting to me.

I'm also pretty good about that "self worth" crap. That even if I, say, am marginally employed for years, it doesn't affect how I feel about myself. Just temporary, conditions outside myself... But I feel I'm closer and closer to crying, "Hooey!"

I'm constantly fighting off feelings of uselessness lately. Of unemployability. Oh, I AM fighting them off, and I probably WILL, should this go on, for quite some time but... Good God.

Lately, I've been trying to "play Bob Cratchit," or some other Dickens character. The best people in Dickens' works, of course, were the poor. And, deep-down, they were also the happiest. It was rough at times, but they plodded on, living life despite the Foul Hand of Circumstance.

So that's my new tactic for handling all of this. Pretending I'm a Dickens character.

And hoping to hell someone will give me a raise (after, of course, a job) and show up at my door with an expensive turkey.

Or, at the very least, that some hellish ghosts pay a visit to some of the fuckin' bankers behind this mess...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/21/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Forest lights

 

A stag stands at the edge

of the woods, his proud

shelf of antlers

 

wrapped in Christmas lights.

The lights aren't on,

but they are colorful:

 

a green wire.

leading from

bulb to bulb,

 

ending in a boxy plug

swaying from one

of the bony branches

 

emanating from his head.

The plastic bulbs

repeat in sequence

 

in color language:

red, green,

orange and blue.

 

Red, green,

orange

and blue.

 

How did this animal

end up with such

a bizarre headdress?

 

Did he disturb a camp

where the lights were

set up?

 

Did he root around in

a pile of trash

where they were buried?

 

Is it a situation

an artist created,

some sort of statement?

 

The lights aren't on,

but they do illuminate,

reminding me

 

(red, green,

orange

and blue)

 

that mystery exists

in the same space

as everyday things.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2010:

The Digital Mandate--enabled

for best viewer signal? Pure fable!

Most with boxes can't get

"free" stations they once did...

Bill's true goal? Drove loads to buy cable!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2010:

It's official.

"Bootylicious" now officially (according to DL, anyway) means... Well, "fat"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2010:

The term was once hit; where it's at!

But now, not only's it old hat!

No longer delicious

the term, "bootylicious"...

Let's be frank--it mostly means "fat"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2010:

So healthcare "reform" has been held up by quibbling over abortion. Oh so predictable.

Once again, the important issue of abortion is used to get both sides all hot and heavy to distract from other important issues--in this case, the fact that... Well, it's healthcare "reform," not healthcare reform...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2010:

Movie-goer study does glean

toward healthy snack options they'd lean.

Fat? Blame all but self!

Health foods fill store shelves...

Here's question: Where went the McLean?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2010:

So with 95 percent of the votes tallied for the Iraqi elections, although no party yet has a clear majority, it looks like former prime minister Ayad Allawi's Iraqiya bloc could very well win.

Translation--the Iraqiya bloc is more or less the Baath party. One prominent member was...Saddam Hussein.

"Operation Iraqi Rewind," anyone?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/24/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Big News! And...Envisioning a Grocery Store 'Wimpy' Aisle

Okay, for the "Big News"... We'll have a local celebrity, of sorts, comedian/actor/foodie Monte penning this section starting next week! More details to follow--and I'd like to also point out that I could've used this news as the entire edition, but a full "Eat It!" follows...

Ever accidentally buy unsalted nuts? How about low-sodium tomato juice? "Lite" sour cream?

There are people who purposefully buy these healthier versions of products, of course. But I'm talking about those "whoops!" purchases. Where you get home from the grocery store, unpack and discover... "Crap. Should I pour some salt into those nuts or what?"

Sucks. Doesn't it?

The problem is that the unsalted/low-sodium/lite varieties are, as a practice, stocked right next to the regular versions in stores. So it's relatively easy to snatch one on accident.

Which I why I propose that grocery stores set up a "Wimpy" aisle for such purchases.

Not that people with high blood pressure or weight issues or what-have-you are wimpy. It's just that... Well, okay. Call it a "health conscious" aisle or something. Enlist some of the "consultants" you pay for such things to determine the final name. I've done my part.

But I ain't striking "wimpy" from today's section headline...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2010:

Haul groc'ries home--yay!--but my smile's

slapped off when I see... Load's defiled!

UNSALTED nuts? Help!

By reg'lar on shelf?

Why don't they sep'rate--"wimpy aisle"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2010:

Does it say something about the economy, or about the slow death of the U.S. Postal Service, or both that... For the first time in my adult life, I've run out of those freebie return address stickers that everybody and their second cousin's plumber used to barrage me with as an oft-guilting "service"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2010:

They nabbed thief, obsessed with his mane--

a half-dozen bottles Rogaine!

Near pulled-off, with flair,

but missed by a hair

or ten! "Bald-faced lie!" lawyer claimed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2010:

Today's Limerick actually derives from a real-world occurrence. And one mentioned recently here in Slappin' and Yappin'.

Can call it an experiment.

While also reminded you that Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison and all those cats also claimed that it took a lot of mistakes through experimentation to eventually summon the great inventions...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/26/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Magic of "The Complete Peanuts"

Okay, the header today sounds cheezy. But I'm not talking about "magic" as in "delightfulness"--I have another point; be patient.

I really love "The Complete Peanuts" editions. Published by Fantagraphic Books, every sixth months (April and October, I believe) a new edition is published, compiling two full years of Peanuts comic strips in a snappy hardcover format.

Collectible. And, yes, delightful. I've been able to read the Peanuts strips from the day I was born and other important dates in my life. Say it's... February 3. I can go back and see what 'ol Sparky presented on that date back in 1954 or 1971 or whatever. I can decide to live out a Peanuts Christmasy thing on a sweltering August afternoon. There's all sorts of fun to be had with such games.

Soon, the 1975-76 edition will be hitting bookstores. Which means I'll have read through more than half of Schulz' masterpiece when I finish it. (As Peanuts debuted in late 1950 and ran right up to the year 2000, when Schulz died.) At which point I'm thinking of starting at the beginning again and just reading Peanuts, Peanuts, Peanuts, straight through. (Well, when I can. My book reading is awfully slow, what with going through a daily newspaper, some weeklies, etc.)

Now for the magic.

Because of my slow book reading, there will be great lulls in my Peanuts reading. I usually get the books for Christmas and my birthday (May) and it pretty much takes me that long to finish an edition, so the schedule works well. Occasionally, my family forgets and I'm stuck actually purchasing the latest edition, but that's beside the point.

So on March 16th of this year, I caught up on newspapers and opened my Peanuts book to find myself... On the page containing the March 16th edition for 1973.

Magical.

Right?

In any event, the Peanuts are good enough that for entertainment value, perhaps they DO qualify under the cliche version of "magic"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2010:

A girlie felt spring in the air,

caved-in to strange man's savoir faire!

His charm got him lucky!

She gave sucky-sucky

and wound-up with "spring" in her hair!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2010:

So, it turns out that, for decades, the Boy Scouts of America have been maintaining secret files on pedophile Scout Masters and the like--but keeping the information secret and, thus, away from courts, parents and the like.

Just who do they think they are--the Catholic Church?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2010:

The Boy Scouts keep files in the lurch--

won't share for courts' crim'nal research--

on Scout Master grues

who molest boys. Who

do they think they are--Cath'lic Church?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2010:

Old Orchard Mall, in Skokie, Illinois, has revoked a nonsmoking rule it had enacted for the common portions of the mall.

Sound a bit wacky in this day and age? Well, Old Orchard is an outdoor mall.

Still sounds a bit off in this day and age.

But that's the point. Nonsmoking? OUTDOORS?

Mall shills attribute the change in policy to the fact that they couldn't enforce the ban. And nobody would obey it, anyway.

So maybe a silver thong on this economic dark cloud is that common sense... Naw. We dare not even say it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/28/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Not Questioning THIS Special Section

In my attempt at parodying a mainstream newspaper, this (Sunday Story Time) was Daily Limerick's first "special" weekly section. Something to bulk up the Sunday edition, ala the Sunday newspapers.

Recently, I questioned the value of some DL special sections, requesting input from you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Didn't get the deluge I'd wanted, but got some input. So thanks. And at the same time, sod off.

(While I'm on the topic, I'm still more than open to outside writers contributing these sections, ala "Mike's Accursed Verse," which appears today, below. Fire me off a casual proposal if interested.)

Anyway, I never once questioned the inclusion of Sunday Story Time. I like it. Plus it's an excuse to throw in some self-indulgent, personal stories as, otherwise, DL was always intended to be unlike the typical early blogs (and, unfortunately, many current blogs) where guys blather about how many times they scratched their nuts on any given day.

Just wanted to point that out. 'Cause, while I'm still firmly behind this section, I still like a good blow-off edition...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/28/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: First draft

 

She lives in a world of

heavily gauzed nostalgia,

of melted crayons on the

dashboard, old films

flitting landscapes by

in the rearview.

 

She reaches out to grasp

that past, but comes up

with a closed fist,

music, growing flowers.

The songs have been picked

especially by the dj

 

to rot on the radio.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2010:

They're free--with guilt under the table

for funds for likes of the disabled.

Barraged normally!

Sign, economy?

For once, ran out of address labels?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2010:

Full Moon tonight, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Which means... Well, a lot of things, to many people, with some statistics behind the ideas.

As far as we're concerned, Full Moon means...not even the thong, baby. Not even the thong...

Happy Extra Cheezy Full Moon!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2010:

Through hist'r, full moons, all along,

prompt theories--'cause folks to do wrong?

The'rize if you must.

Full moon means to us

that it can't bear even a thong!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2010:

Saw some pics of Katy Perry getting "slimed" at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and it got us to thinkin'... Do you think there's a generation of kids growing up with a slime fetish?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2010:

Saw Katy Perry pics--slimed at podium

for Kids' Choice Awards. Clean yet grody fun!

Strange stir brought a thought--

have Gen Z youths caught

new fetish thanks to Nickelodeon?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2010:

So Ricky Martin has come out of the closet.

A see-through closet in this case, we might add. Well, we just added.

His timing's impeccable, for these types of things. Overdue for a news-grabbing revelation, here at Ricky's, what, 19th Minute?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/31/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Introducing Monte!

What makes Chicago food some of the best food in the WORLD? (In my humble opinion...)

Chicago is a great city with plenty to offer, especially some inexpensive rents on the outer skirts of the city. Why is this important, the inexpensive rents? Because it helps keep some of our wonderful and talented cooks/chefs/fathers/mothers/grandmothers here with their long lineage of cooking tips/secrets and recipes.

In a lot of other big cities today, New York/L.A./San Francisco, although these are amazing cities, and they are really nice to visit, they may be a little too expensive for a family from another country coming to America, looking for the "American dream" to set up shop in and really get started with a small business.

In Chicago, you can live kinda on the outskirts, pay a decent rent and get things started. Which, in my opinion, is more then obvious today to any visitor, from any city, state or country. Today, almost anywhere you look, you can find an independent little family-run spot that may have some of the best Lebanese/Mexican or Italian food you can find anywhere on the planet. And I've been places!

You can basically travel the world, food-wise, and never leave the great city of Chicago!

This is what makes this one of, if not the, best eating city in America, if not the world!

A little something about me... I am foodie, by default, but what a lovely default it has been. I grew up in a home with a father who was/is, let's say, a man of the sixties and seventies, so we always had snacks and junk food hidden all over the house. Everyday seemed like an Easter hunt. I'd find candy bars and what not either in between the couch cushions or stuffed behind other goodies in the back of the fridge.

I grew up snackin' on food all the time. It was like my freakin' hobby--and it still is today. Now I am a part-time driver, and i take after some of my dad's sixties and seventies ways, so I always have snacks around now, too. Also, since I'm  in my car a lot, I have to make every neighborhood a little hiding spot where I can find a good snack. And I do!

I am the man to ask if yer lookin' for a little spot tucked away in almost any neighborhood in the city. It's what I know.

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

 

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