Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2010:

Cold winter's long nights' and short days' toll

ends thus ancients slated today's role

to celebrate spring!

So roll with the thing

and dance (and much more) 'round the May Pole!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2010:

May Day, May Day! Pilot to bombardier, bombardier to pilot--May Day, May Day!... Always want to say that. Er, write that.

Ahem.

Wrong May Day, I know but... May Day! May Day!...

Happy Extra Cheezy May Day!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2010:

Word's s'pposed to chase Recession Blues--

last month, fewer jobs we did lose!

Or home prices fell

less. Well, that's just swell--

I call it, "back-handed 'good' news"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2010:

Betty Lou Lynn, the actress who played Thelma Lou on "The Andy Griffith Show," moved to the town of Mount Airy, NC (USA)--the town which "Griffith's" fictional Mayberry was based on--to avoid big city crime, after being robbed twice in Los Angeles.

Lynn recently had her wallet stolen at a Mount Airy shopping mall. (http://www.popeater.com/2010/04/30/betty-lou-lynn-robbed-andy-griffith-mayberry/)

As much as we pride ourselves on our witticism, we really can't add to this one...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/2/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hopscotch With Robin

When I was a shaver, in grade school, I had the hots for Robin... Something or other. If I sat and thought long enough, I could probably recall her last name but... I try not to drag private personae into this marginally public forum. Especially one as special to me as Robin.

Well, as special as she once was.

I had the hots for Robin without really knowing what the hots were. Nor what the hots entailed. She had light brownish hair, light freckles, was long and lithe... Certainly wouldn't have the hots for her today, considering she was in grade school. Unless you're looking at us, you know, being adults NOW... Well, enough of that. Leave me alone with my innocent memories!

I wasn't SUPPOSED to like girls at that point. And I received some gentle ribbing from friends for playing with Robin at recess. But I did it anyway. That's how much I liked her. And how much I denied liking her.

I didn't want to kiss her. Oh, a youngster reaches a point where he DOES want to kiss the girl, but doesn't know where it'd go from there. I hadn't even reached THAT point. I just enjoyed spending time with her. She made me feel... Tingly, or something.

I'm sure we played other games, or perhaps just talked or something, during our recesses together. We did spend multiple recesses together--her and one of her friends, or perhaps two, sometimes--but it wasn't a whole school-year's worth. Perhaps not even a whole month's worth. But I remember them and always will.

I only remember playing hopscotch with her. Ahh, the delightful memories. I didn't want recess to end.

I have no idea whatever happened to Robin. And I'd like to leave it that way, regardless of our stalk-'em-on-Facebook age.

If I thought then as I thought now, I would've tried a peek down her shirt, as she jumped the hopscotch board at a certain angle. Then I could've seen her...raisins.

But now I'm sullying the memory.

Anyway, I think of her whenever I play hopscotch.

Er, actually, I don't really play hopscotch so much anymore.

So I'll just leave you with my memory and... Damn, seems I should have some sentimental closer here... Frankly, anybody but Robin, I don't give a damn...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/2/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Old instruments

 

Who will pick up the bass

that once shook bottles

of wine onto the floor?

Or strike the cymbals

that no longer scatter

silver flashes of sound?

 

Who will play the guitars

now stored in their stands

like a museum exhibit?

The unplugged keyboard

wrapped in plastic,

under a guest-room bed?

 

How about you?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2010:

Watch NFL Draft? Most say, "no."

Even 'mong Big Fan Status Quo.

This year? Seven-three

mill.? It's on TV?

Guess we'll actually watch grass grow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2010:

After a thief stole a cell phone, his photo appeared on the victim's Facebook page, since the victim had set his phone/Facebook to update photos whenever said phone was connected to a computer.

A truly historic event--the first time something good has come from an (anti-) social networking site!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2010:

A phone thief who wasn't so bright

took pics and those pics? They went right

to victim's Facebook!

First good thing--caught crook--

from those "social" networking sites!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2010:

European governments are set to bail-out an entity that so financially troubled, it faces oblivion otherwise.

Greece.

Well, we'll give the Europeans this much--when they dub something "too big to fail," at least it's a whole freakin' country, rather than a bunch of silver-spoon-in-mouth-birthed, spoiled corporate evildoers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2010:

Es Cinco de Mayo--va loco!

Tiene guitara? Ay, toco!

Y a señoritas?--

Eres mas bonitas!--

Tocas con mi pene!... Un poco?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2010:

This marks our second Limerick in Spanish, or en Español perhaps we should say... So that extra effort more than makes up for the need to add something tangible to this section.

We'll be off having a taco or something and suggest you do the same...

Viva Mexico!...

Feliz Cinco de Mayo de Muy Queso!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/5/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Monte Take on Cinco de Mayo

My spot for Mexican when I have the time... "Nuevo Leon" in Pilsen Village (Chicago) has some of my all time favorite nachos, and I'm gonna tell why. Each chip is individually dressed with all the fixin's. That's right! Each chip is fully loaded with all the goodies so there's no diggin' and scrapin' through a pile of mess that others have slopped through. You get yer chip and it has all yer goods on it.

You order em by the dozen or half-dozen. Each chip comes topped with beans, cheese, guacamole and sour cream! "Monte-licious!" and the chips are made in house at "nuevo leon." Look, the place has been around for over 40 yrs. They know what they're doin'.

Nuevo Leon is at 1515 W. 18th. St. And there can sometimes be a long line. Don't wait; come back another day at a non-busy time. Waiting in line is for ding-dongs!

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2010:

So Europe, together, will bail-

out Greece as it, near-bankrupt, ails.

Though tactic's disfavored--

rewards bad behavior--

WHOLE COUNTRY fits, "too big to fail"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2010:

Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle have written a book called, "Undateable," which relates the traits that make men allegedly...well, undateable.

In answer to this, we're going to make a list of all the traits that make chicks undateable.

Starting with...being so freakin' obsessed with guys you won't date that you write a book called "Undateable"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2010:

"Undateable"--new book's just great!

Chicks wrote about guys whom they rate

unworthy of courting.

List of chicks we're sorting...

One--writes books 'bout guys they won't date!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2010:

Stumbled across an online ad, paid gig for... "Protestors/Activists."

What's more, it doesn't specify what the cause is.

Hmmm.

We knew that the price of our First Amendment was ridiculously high. After all, countless people have died for it.

But... Geez, seems something just isn't quite right with this, but we're having difficulty with our typical witticism here.

Now, if applicants are supposed to be... You know, actual protestors, typical protestors... Do you think they'll use the money for soap? Or blow it on weed?... Huh?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/7/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: That Damn Metallic Singing Effect

I'm sure there's a word for it--that effect that's run through the voices on a lot of pop tunes lately that sounds metallic, tinny. It probably started with someone like Kanye West, as he apparently invented music itself--or maybe he stole it from a lesser-known rapper.

In any event, it's all over the place now. I'd give you an example but... Well, I'm not so up on pop music these days, unless it's of the underground local (Chicago) variety. (Which is only thanks to the live shows I host.) I do know it was used in the "Gay Fish" song that a fictional Kanye West sang on "South Park," if that helps.

Anyway... Okay, at some point it was new and original (although I'll argue that it was annoying and should not have been explored)--so I'll give Kanye or whoever, plus scores of the necessary imitators...three months. Then it should've been declared old and dumped.

But it hasn't been.

So, for the love of eardrums, stop it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2010:

That famed pick of Mar'lyn Monroe?

O'er grate with upward air skirt-blow?

High art--I agree!

But I'd rather see

the shot from the sewer below!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2010:

So '80s hair-head Bret Michaels (of the band Poison) has had some medical ills as of late.

The most tragic thing about it? He's actually (shudder)...writing music about it.

Now, it's one thing to cavort about as a washed-up "reality" TV "star"--but at least we didn't have to hear his God awful tunes for some time now...

Yes, that's not very nice... But if he doesn't like it, he can just leave the Spotlight...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2010:

For Bret Michaels, health has gone wrong.

We wish him a life full and long!

Tale tugs strings of heart,

but most tragic part?

It's spurred him to...write a new song!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2010:

So it's rape and underage-chick assault for the National Football League's Lawrence Taylor which, sadly, doesn't surprise us.

We were surprised, in combing the coverage, that he'd appeared on "Dancing With the 'Stars.'"

See, we don't watch the show. Hell, we keep a half-mile distance between us and any TV tuned to it. But it gives us an idea.

Now, we're no Hollywood exec types but for us, "must-see" TV would be... "Dancing With the Convicts"...

There's a lot of belly-achin', has been for some time, about how Sundays are no longer "sacred."

Few areas DON'T sell alcohol on Sundays anymore. Hell, businesses don't close down on the "Sabbath," as they did in the olden days. And not as many people go to church.

But we were thinkin'... From September until February, there's football... As huge hockey fans, we often take-in Sunday "games of the week," for the playoffs and leading up to them so... We say Sundays are still "sacred"--just in a better way!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/9/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pulling Up Socks

In some ways, I'm the fidgety type. Perhaps I have a tinge of Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, since habits and peculiarities now apparently must have a disorder associated with them these days.

I sometimes go back into my condo building soon after leaving, double-checking that I locked the door, for instance. (Although it seems almost everyone does that occasionally. Which is great for Big Therapy.) When I rise to alight from the bus, I'll double check my pockets, making sure my wallet/keys/etc. didn't fall out.

And I frequently double-check that my shoes are tied, without the laces hanging precariously over the shoes' sides--and when I do that, I also pull my socks up good and tight.

I was told by an ex in recent years that socks, at least white ones worn visibly as with shorts, are not supposed to be pulled-up (unless they come up short of the top of the calves). They're supposed to kinda bunch downward, loose and carefree. But I can't help it--I like my socks pulled-up.

This despite an early childhood incident. Gym class was the setting, a couple of girls saw me engaged in sock-pulling and said, "Only GIRLS are supposed to pull their socks up!"

It strikes me now that I should've asked my anti-sock-pull-up ex if there was a gender difference in the rule but... I didn't get it with her, nor in grade school--and I don't get it now.

For a while, I tried to avoid sock-straightening around those two girls and, actually, around girls in general. But gym class was prime sock-straightening time, what with running and them creeping down all the time, so I mostly continued the habit which... Well, continues to this day.

In my defense, I'll mention that porn stars seem to favor their socks pulled-up, but... Well, I'm not sure that's really in my "defense"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/9/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: On Bush Hill Rd., from Hudson to Pelham

 

A sawing fiddle in Celtic time

poured through the radio

as we drove past an iron gate

that fenced in some metal

cut-outs of men on carriages.

 

We were looking for the source

of a blinking red beacon

on top of a cell phone tower

somewhere over the hills

on a near-summer night.

 

First, the beacon was to our

left, but as we drove through

the retail district, onto

an incline, the strip malls

and super centers disappeared.

 

Houses dotting the winding street

became more mansion-like,

and the beacon slid to the

right. Jenn had no A/C,

so we rolled down the windows,

 

letting in the sound of crickets,

the smell of hot stone walls,

lilacs in full bloom,

and later, a marshy, loamy reek,

punctuated by the sight of tiny

 

frogs, white in the headlights.

We passed the metal sculptures,

and started higher up the hill.

The beacon appeared through

a break in the tree-line,

 

and now we could see the

tower in the valley below.

On the radio, a Boston station,

95.3 FM. A Celtic fiddle

started up, boots stomping

 

against hardwood, keeping time.

A man's voice in full Irish lilt

gave way to a shamanistic voice

weaving in and out of the mix,

speaking in measured, singing

 

tones, half-English, half-

something-else. We think he

sang, "Join the masquerade,"

but it was impossible to tell

the meaning or intent.

 

Bass pulses started in, like

the heartbeats of a giant in

the forest, perhaps pursuing us.

Sharp stabs of static, the fiddle

dancing around the noise.

 

We passed underneath

a row of power lines.

Climbing higher, we heard

chickens, sheep, goats, and

horses through the speakers.

 

Once again the shaman, speaking

with special emphasis, seemed

to be performing a ritual.

Warning us to leave, maybe.

We turned around.

 

The collage of noise, music

and ceremony followed us

back down the dark wooded

road onto the streets of Nashua,

a trip of about 9 miles.

 

The scrambled signal

was alarmingly clear now.

We could hear the shaman

intoning, children laughing

and screaming in the sonic murk.

 

We shut the radio off and

went inside; unable to find

the signal in the house.

The next morning, the station

was back to playing music.

 

I retraced our route on a map,

convinced we had followed a path

to some northern burial ground

of the Native Americans who had

originally named this area.

 

But after one right turn, we had

actually been following the road

roughly southeast,

only about three minutes

from the Massachusetts state line.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2010:

Now LT with trouble's formed bond.

But child rape? Takes cake! Seems was on...

"Dancing With The 'Stars'"?

Lame! But brainstorm's charged...

I might watch, "Dancing With The Cons"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2010:

Sales of the iPad were initially slower than expected, perhaps... Well, perhaps because there's no need for a larger iPhone, considering we have, you know, laptops and such.

However now they're through the cliched roof. Predictably.

Proving yet again that a fool and his money...send Apple stock soaring...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2010:

At first, iPad sales were bit poor.

Then "Keep up with Joneses" urge... Score!

Now sales? Beyond sunny!

A fool and his money...

make sure bet that Apple stock soars!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2010:

Travis Parmelee was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a sporting event. In fact, he was so out-of-control shit-faced that they had to Taser 'em.

The sporting event in question? The Player Championship.

Golf, for those not in the know.

Huh?

Guess we're even gonna need extra security for freakin' chess matches now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2010:

A drunk and disorderly mate

was Tasered at...golf match? His state

led him to cop-fighting.

My, golf's turned exciting--

seems Tiger threw wide the floodgates!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2010:

Now that I've farmed-out Wednesday's "Eat It!" food section to noted comic/actor/blogger Monte (Chief Limericist checking-in, here)... Well, of course I'm coming up with food-related ideas.

And I've just got to say this--

Grease gets a bad rap.

No, no, no. Not the musical. The foodstuff--oil, fat, what-have-you.

All the time, I hear stuff like, "I like this dish here--it's not GREASY, like it is at other places." Or, "I don't know if I want to order that; I want something that's not GREASY."

I like greasy stuff. And I have a feeling that a whole lot of others like greasy stuff, too--otherwise, stuff like deep-fried foods wouldn't exist. If I get carryout from a burger/hotdog stand and the fries do NOT stain the paper bag with grease spots, I'm not a happy customer.

I've actually seen poopy-pantses blotting pizza. "Gotta get the grease off, doi doi doi..." Pfft. If it's real cheeze, grease is a natural byproduct. Enjoy it or shut up and eat a salad.

I could go on and on. And on some more. Pointing out foods that are best with a good dose of grease. But the point is... Well, I've made my point.

But while some things are good extra greasy--certain Chicago-area hotdogs, for instance, are served with extra-greasy-to-the-point-of-non-crispy fries, which aren't so delicious alone, but perfectly compliment the dog, when nestled into the bun... Well, I'll admit that there ARE cases where something is, indeed, too greasy.

But that doesn't happen nearly as often as folks cry, "Greasy!"

So Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I preach Grease in Moderation. As does the Bible...or something like that...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/12/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte Goes...Organic?

So right now my wife is big into organic, sustainable foods. Which means I am kind of into organic, sustainable foods now. And that brings us to today's spot... Hot Chocolate! Hot Chocolate is a trendy/hip spot in Wicker Park (Chicago, 1747 N. Damen) that offers an excellent bacon cheddar burger that is made from organic and sustainable goods. That means that now you have a few things to look up if you like.

The grass-fed cow meat, in my opinion, is tastier. It seems to be juicier and more flavorful and fresh tasting then what I am used to. And that is topped with a four-year-aged cheddar cheese and organic bacon on a delicious, soft bun that absorbs the blood from the burger so perfectly. It is truly an amazing burger. One thing to beware of though--organic meat, if cooked too long, can become much drier than the what we usually buy in the store, so go medium for best results.

Hot chocolate also has... Hot chocolate! And tons of sweets and baked goodies to wet yer sweet tooth. They're actually known for those items as well. They're all organic, too.

Of course, yer gonna pay more for these items, which I am not a fan of, but you can't put a price on keepin' the chemicals out of yer food.

One more thing... I am in a contest for a Pillsbury Doughboy commercial. All you have to do is view the 15 second commercial and it counts as a vote towards it. please check it out here...http://zooppa.com/ads/pillsbury/videos/special-of-the-day

And by all means, avoid watching any other contestant! Thank you for yer support.

MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/, http://wciu.com or offtheeatinpathwithmonte@yahoo.com... And yes, it is a long freakin' email address, sorry.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2010:

Folks say, don't want "greasy." But why?

Bein' healthy's hip but, well, they lie!

Sure, grease can be too much

but what's life sans its touch

on stuff like, say, pizza and fries?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2010:

So the band a-ha is breaking up.

They were an '80s... Er, can't say, "sensation," as I'm only aware of one hit song but... They're an '80s act, ripe for the comebackin'.

Hmmm.

Now, guys, you're doing this wrong. You come out of the closet, hit rehab, what have you, as a way of reminding people that you were once, you know, sorta, kinda big. In the hopes of becoming sorta, kinda big again.

But using the band's breakup as a reminder? Kinda defeats the purpose, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2010:

a-ha, seeking to regain fame,

is bumbling the rules of that game!

One-hit tour? I posit--

try rehab, leave closet!

Breakup defeats purpose, guys! Lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2010:

You know what someone oughta invent?

The Snackmaster.

Not sure exactly what it'd be. Came up with the idea the other night, amid heavy snacking.

So think upon that, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Consider today's entry a lesson and assignment in philosophy...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/14/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: SNL Blows

Seriously. "Saturday Night Live"... Oh, perhaps it doesn't even need to be said at this point but... Oh, there are exceptions. The Weekend Update segment is usually funny. And when you have a guest with real talent, like Betty White recently, it can be a good show but... Ahem.

C'mon. The producers cull the nation for the best comedy writers and performers and THIS is the best they can come up with on an average week?

And "Digital Shorts"? Who the freak is impressed by that? Because they're DIGITAL! Oooh! THAT'S supposed to make them special? Is it because they're NOT live, as opposed to the rest of the show, which I thought was supposed to be part of the attraction?

Really? That's supposed to make "Digital Shorts" funny? Really?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2010:

A line cook--and horny young satyr--

saw hot chick pass by, 'hind a waiter.

Imagined her, sans clothes,

while peeling potatoes--

and soon did work a master-tater!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2010:

Playboy is now unveiling...the 3-D Centerfold.

Not sure if that's 3-D proper. More like 3-Double D...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2010:

So centerfold, Playboy's, will be,

to compete with Maxim...3-D?

Those rushing to buy

the gimmick they ply

will find boobs involved number three!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2010:

We've just learned about a new slew of disorder for our "Nothing's My Fault" society--Mental, Emotional and Behavior Disorders (MEB)...which include "Conduct Disorder."

So... "Conduct Disorder."

Society can evolve and progress all it wants, but we utterly refuse to put a disorder label on something that's had a fine word all along--"asshole-ism"...

Read a frightening, frightening article in a Chicago Sun-Times "special" section about parents with children losing teeth, as children will do. (And by "special"... Yes. Same as "special class.")

The idiot...er, author recommends up to $20 per tooth as the going rate.

We'd comment on the insane coddling and entitlement issues of younger generations, but that would sound preachy.

It does, however, help explain the popularity of hockey over the last decade or so...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/16/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Datsun Pickup

Until my dying day, the words "Datsun Pickup" will have special meaning to me, as they will for my sister and two cousins.

We were kids. Grade school, I believe. Early junior high, at latest. My family flew out to California, widowed grandma along, to visit my dad's sister and her family, which included my two male cousins. My only male cousins, actually. Since they lived so far away, I didn't see them too often, so these visits (almost, but not quite, annually, as my father was an airline pilot) were filled to the brim with fun and mischief.

There's undoubtedly copious Sunday Story Time fodder in these visits, but the incident related today began when one of my cousins...we'll call him "T"...had football practice. My uncle was involved, perhaps coaching or assistant coaching, so he brought all the kids along. Perhaps figured we'd enjoy watching football practice. But it wasn't an actual game or anything, so we quickly grew bored with it.

And, really, what else is one to do on a pleasant California summer afternoon, with no obligations or plans, than...throwing dirt clods at passing cars. Well, my cousin and I threw them. My sister just watched. But she was certainly an accomplice. Laughed along with us, pointed out good targets--that sort of thing.

We found a primo location, high up on a hill overlooking the road. What's more, there was a fence along the roadside, a tall one at that. So we could heave dirt clods down onto cars, watch some of them come to screeching halts and often hear the drivers swearing and yelling.

Great fun.

Now, we weren't out to hurt anyone, which might seem odd to hear coming from a bunch tossing missiles at moving automobiles, so we were careful. Or perhaps I should say, "careful-ish." If it appeared, say, that a car was closely tailing another, we wouldn't toss a clod. That might be dangerous.

Yeah, the whole thing was dangerous. But we were kids. And nobody was hurt. For all we know, there might've been an insurance claim filed concerning a dent or two, but nobody was hurt.

We undoubtedly pissed-off a bunch of drivers. The giggles, which infested the afternoon, increased when we'd see an arm rise out of a driver's side window, fist shaking, cursing us "damn kids." But we were way up on a hill, barely visible (if visible at all)--and, really, even an Olympic sprinter would have a hard, if not impossible, time running up that hill to catch a bunch of kids with copious bush/tree cover, not to mention...that fence.

But one guy was man enough, or idiot enough, or perhaps just pissed enough to try.

He drove a Datsun pickup.

He climbed the fence... I'm not sure, at this point, whether he made it over. But he was about halfway up the thing before we turned and ran.

My sister ended up telling on us. On the day we were leaving, driving to the airport. She put up a show that she was part of the team, "But I can't tell you, Grandma" (never mind that she hinted at SOMETHING)...but we were found out. I think we all played a part in that, joking ala, "What kinda car was it dad--a DATSUN PICKUP (giggle, giggle)," but my sister sang like a canary, for whatever reason.

Don't recall what the punishment was but, if nothing else, fearing Dad's wrath while awaiting said punishment is enough punishment for a kid.

I'll never know what that Datsun pickup driver intended to accomplish. He may well have even hurt himself on that fence.

Then again, he DID stop us from throwing dirt clods--and scared the crap out of us.

So maybe there was a method to the madness of Mr. Datsun Pickup. Even if it was an accidental method...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/16/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Funnel of love

 

You set yourself down

in my backyard and

started tearing up

the grass in clumps,

throwing it at my

sliding glass door.

 

Not content with that

tiny destruction, you

moved closer

to the house, forcing me

back from the windows,

wanting me to know

 

you were in control.

You knocked over a tree,

which smashed into my

neighbor's fence,

asserting your

importance.

 

Then you were over me,

ripping at my roof

like someone possessed.

Luckily, you weren't

too orderly, and soon

enough were wrapped up

 

in cold bands that drained

your reason for being here.

Leaving me alone

with the rain coming in

through the holes

you punched into my home.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/16/2010:

This cat checks-in regarding Friday's Limerick, spurred by the news in Thursday's Slappin and Yappin', which concerned the about-to-break-up band a-ha--

> drove past the riv last night and saw they were performing there.

> thought it was weird, didn't they only have one hit?

We can only recall one hit.

And we further wonder how such acts put together a proper, "concert."

Say, they open with "Take On Me." Then they go into the dance mix of "Take On Me." Followed by the EXTENDED dance mix of "Take On Me." Then... "Take On Me"...in Spanish?

And maybe they do "Take On Me" backwards when it's time for an encore?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2010:

Tooth Fairy pay will see disparity

'mong generations--but found scare to read

that some spoil young schmucks!

Per tooth? Twenty bucks!

Explains hockey's late popularity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2010:

The anti-hate crime artwork of Art Institute of Chicago student Anida Yoeu Ali was vandalized...with hate speech.

Now, perhaps we should hold off for a while on this, make triple-damn sure that the student wasn't behind the vandalism because... It's actually a feel-good, otherwise.

More proof that the ass-monkeys among us are at a serious intellectual disadvantage--because the vandal actually COMPLETED the artist's statement...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2010:

Now "Conduct Disorders" join roll

of Victim World ailments extolled

by those of Big Therapy.

Long been term, already--

called simply, "bein' an asshole"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2010:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed that we've so far avoided chiming-in on a huge news story unfolding--that of the oil spill off the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Now, we're not the types to shy away from any topic in mining comedy but... Well, jokes in this case would just be crude...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2010:

My birthday--I hope it's a beaut!

Step closer to bein' an old coot!

I'll throw me a party

for two. Party hearty--

all "dressed-up"...in my birthday suit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2010:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

It's my birthday.

And, curiously, a slow news day...

Happy Extra Cheezy...Er, My Birthday!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/19/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate!

I love chocolate!! My favorite way to eat chocolate is to suck on chunks of it 'til it melts in mouth.

I go to "Blommer's Chocolate," a local Chicago chocolate factory, where they have a little store that sells their chocolate in bulk. I buy "Saratoga Dark" by the pound. Basically, what they do is chunk-up pieces into a Ziplock baggie and sell it by the pound. Pretty simple. But so delightful.

I like to keep a bag in my car at all times, weather permitting, so I can have a piece whenever I want it! Blommer's not only has bulk chocolate by the pound, but they have other chocolate treats like chocolate covered pretzels, malt balls, chocolate covered raisins, nuts, etc. All sorts of chocolates and even some hard candy, which I ignore. Blommer's chocolate outlet store is located in the factory at the corner of Milwaukee & Kinzie (600 W. Kinzie).

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2010:

You want Lim'ricks 'bout the news, hence...

Blah doodle, blah deedle blork schpentz!

Gorp glaggle twoop tweedle,

schlump skeezle womp zeedle...

...why try putting "-sense" in nonsense?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2010:

Curiously, on my birthday yesterday--Chief Limericist checking in, here--no good news crossed our, um, News Desk, so there's not much of a Slappin' and Yappin' today...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/20/2010:

This came in yesterday--

> Happy Your Birthday, Sloop.

Yes, the well-wishing came pouring in.

Okay, trickling in. But that's only because of "trickle-down" birthday economics.

See, Big Names with birthdays got tons of well-wishing and... Ahem.

Thanks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2010:

O'er oil spill, don't want to exude

an "I don't care 'bout" attitude

so ain't joked about it.

It's tragic! Won't flout it!

And joking would seem... Well, quite crude.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2010:

Okay, here's something I just don't get (Chiefy checked-in, here)--

People who stop the microwave before the allotted cooking time is over--and just let the clock sit there flashing.

What the hell?

Do you start it for, say, two minutes--but you're such an expert on such things, you can tell by looking through the window that, say, "The perfect second of microwave doneness is obviously achieved...NOW! With 17 seconds left!" And you've also got nothing better to do that sit and watch the microwave for the perfect Zen Moment of Cooked-ness?

And, okay, you're in a hurry to eat and/or feeling lazy... You have just enough time/energy left to hit the "Stop/Pause" button...only once? The second time--to fully stop the microwave and zero-out the clock--is just too much for you?

What the freakin' hell?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/21/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Do You Know What Special Event Wednesday Marked?

...Do you? Guess you have to be a REAL Slapper Yapper Grasshopper if you do.

Anyway it was... My birthday.

Entertain Yourself will return with an actual edition next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2010:

A social climbing gadfly cad

bought all gadgets that were the fad.

He dated a ditz--

on rag, gave him fits

with what she did with his "iPad"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2010:

Now, don't forget, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that the economic/job/etc. news lately has mostly been good. Increases in hiring, retail sales, etc. Of course it's slow, but things are generally on the up-tick.

But minor setbacks are to be expected. So when some of the old demons return, don't be discouraged.

It'll pass. This "Sex and the City 2"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2010:

Jobs, housing up--but ain't yet through

Great Recession. It's stubborn grue!

But don't give up hope!

With setbacks, can cope--

will pass... "Sex and the City 2"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2010:

In these trying times, thought we'd pass on to you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers some evidence that miracles do, in fact, exist.

Colin Hanks, the son of Tom Hanks, has been in some movies and/or TV shows, but true fame has so far eluded him. But now, he's landed a role in the TV comedy "The Good Guys," which is getting critical acclaim and really promising to make Colin a household name.

Which means that both father and son have went through the same amazing process--from no-name and poor, they've worked and slaved to realize an Entertainment Business American Dream! Can you believe it? What are the odds? Both father AND son?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/23/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Still Cleaning Up After the Ferris Wheel and Elephants...

...Uh-huh. 'Cause Wednesday was my birthday.

Another touching tale, next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/23/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Has been waiting in line all week to be among the first to see, "MacGruber." Mike's Accursed Verse will return next week.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2010:

Tom Hanks has long been household name.

Now son Colin might be the same!

New show hits Big Run!

Both father and son--

by miracle, strove, poor to fame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2010:

Although the matter has long been decided by individual doctors similarly, albeit on a case-by-case basis, a new study gives the official A-OK on sex for heart attack victims.

Well, not DURING a heart attack.

Anyway, the study further states that sex is "not as demanding as shoveling snow."

Hmmm.

We think that statement oversimplifies matters. Perhaps they're talking about "average" sex. But how's shoveling snow compare when you throw in, say, the deer antlers, cartwheels, hula hoops...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2010:

Post heart-attack sex gets the "go!"

Claimed less stress than...shoveling snow?

I'm not 'mong those experts

but, with sex, one's exerts

vary as the cartwheels may flow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2010:

Studies on LibiGel, the soon-to-be-available anti-sexual dysfunction drug for women, classify "sexual satisfaction" as not only having sex, but as being aroused and/or having fantasies as well.

Thus, if guys were rated according to the same rules, the constant "sexual satisfaction" would have us changing our pants every half-hour...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2010:

The female Viagra's here... LibiGel!

But as with Big V, while means living's swell,

some comfort-wed lives--

fat husbands or wives--

might find their new "duties" a living hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2010:

Think the Harry Potter craze is over?

Nope. It's still stoking a demand for fantasy books, especially among children.

Consider the upcoming released fantasy-themed...school textbooks from Texas!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/26/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hot Dog!!!!! [Said like a gang slogan]

My favorite hot dogs are skinny, in the case, steamed, Vienna beef dogs. I prefer a steamed poppy seed bun, but seedless will do. There are two spots in Chicago (sorry, non-Chicagoans) that serve the exact same hot dog, with fresh cut fries. In my opinion the only thing different about these two spots are the name and location.

Jimmy's Red Hots [in the city], and Gene & Jude's in River Grove. Both spots are surprisingly on, or near, the same street, Grand Avenue, Jimmy's at Grand & Pulaski (right on the corner) and Gene & Jude's at Grand & Des Plaines River Road, just off of the corner, next to the gas station, which used to be the old, and famous, rock club the Thirsty Whale!!

Both spots, like I said before, have the same excellent skinny dogs, in the casing (which is pig intestine, sounds gross, but it isn't, and it gives them that snap when you bite into 'em), steamed and on a steamed bun. They both come with fresh cut French fries.

You say you like 'em thicker and char grilled? Well... We'll get to that next time.  

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2010:

Some say that the fantasy nook

of Harry Potter's goose is cooked.

But muscles still flexes--

take note, out in Texas,

they now ply fantasy textbooks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2010:

So "Today" show's Ann Curry misidentified alumni in a speech to Wheaton College (Mass.) grads.

Let's not be too hard on her by imposing journalistic standards. It's the "Today" show, so her job title's arguably "'news' anchor"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2010:

Ann Curry gave grads speech--with twist!

Rattled off wrong alumni list!

To bashing, some hanker,

"Today" show's "news anchor"--

but's not like she's a JOURNALIST!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2010:

And now it's time for another edition of... Why Doesn't Anybody Listen to Freakin' Daily Limerick?

At the National Restaurant Association show this year, Coke unveiled a vending machine whereby you can mix and match flavors with the drink you order, including those of the various soft drinks Coke offers.

Longtime Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may remember our Chief Limericist's high school, Long John-Silver's-working discovery of "Skittle Drink"--mixing all fountain flavors together for a delicious mix that tastes a bit like...well, Skittles.

We'll be waiting for our check in the mail.

Well, we'll have Fred the Intern waiting by the mailbox for it. He doesn't do a whole lot here in the Daily Limerick, um, Towers and, really, should any internship run as long as his? It's been years now, hasn't it?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/28/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Evolving from Once-Hip, To Retro-Hip, to...Lame

I used to love the song, "Fever." Way before my time--could say it became Retro Hip.

Heard a cover or two of the song. Liked it more. A commercial utilizing it here, another cover there. Couldn't blame 'em. Still loved the tune.

Heard another THOUSAND covers of the son, another JAZILLION commercial uses of the song and... Thanks, guys. I can't stand it anymore. Hope to hell, against hope, that I NEVER hear it again.

Which brings us to today's entry's title...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2010:

Lord Stanley's Cup--that's Blackhawks mission!

Now Philly and Flyers I'm dissin'!

Grow beards! Let's help, fans!

Chicks, psych your man fans--

"stick-handle" them into submission!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2010:

Today is the anniversary of losing my virginity.

Oh. Chief Limericist checked-in, here. (You didn't think every one of us in the, er, Daily Limerick Towers lost it on the same day, did you? Not even sure Fred the Intern has...) So you know what that means? I'm gonna spend the day celebrating!

Play some marathon Parcheesi or something...

Happy Extra Cheezy Twenty-Five Years of Sex for the Chief Limericist Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2010:

Spell "theatre"--with an "r-e"?

It's "e-r" on this side of sea!

'Less snooty, you're bein'--

"Oh SOOO European!"

Seems more "cultured"? No, it's just twee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2010:

The Center for Science in the Public Interest has released its annual "XTreme Eating Awards," cluing us in on restaurant offerings with ridiculously high calorie, fat and sodium counts. (http://www.cspinet.org/nah/articles/xtremeeating2010.html)

We find this an invaluable public service. When it's time to treat ourselves by eating-out or ordering-in, something like this helps us to avoid...a disappointing, wimpy meal...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/30/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Dog in Heat

M'Lady has two dogs. Charlie, a female Jack Russell Terrier, and Schnapps, a male Dachshund. I've written about some of our adventures in this spot before. I'll remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that I have two cats, she'll be moving to my place come October (as my fiance, though I don't call her M'Fiance, because that sounds like a menu item at McDonald's in France) and that we've had the dogs over by me for a while, here and there, to get the Brady Bunch of Pets used to each other.

It should also be noted that M'Lady lives in an apartment in the building next door. Long story, told here before. (See the Archives, nutwedges.)

Oh, and I have a renter/roommate who... Doesn't leave his room a lot. Making it tough for the dogs to get used to him. Meaning they bark whenever he goes to the bathroom or what-have-you. Oh, and while we have a makeshift "gate" (lawn chair) to keep the dogs from carousing in the roommate's sections of the condo, the dogs have to be watched very closely when over. I took a piss once, roomie left his room, Charlie jumped the "gate" and scared the hell outta him, roomie had a "discussion" with me about how he signed a lease expecting just cats... Ahem.

So I've had to be careful about the dogs coming over.

Now, M'Lady decided against getting the dogs fixed. Which is admirable. I couldn't even consider that natural route with my cats, as the City of Chicago requires them to be neutered before an owner can take them home. Well, I could've went cat shopping in the suburbs, or through ads or something but... Anyway.

I only now realize, first-hand, how admirable it is to keep dogs au natural.

M'Lady's let the dogs mate on a couple of occasions, producing puppies, which went quickly. I've met one--her sister now has Layla. And she'd like to let 'em have another round of pups, which, again, is admirable.

Charlie, as dogs are wont to do, will go into heat every six months or so. This means that the dogs must be kept apart, unless, of course, the laborious task of puppy-making and puppy-making-supervision is undertaken.

I've only been a distant participant in this Heat Thing before, as M'Lady and I have been an item for over a year and a half. Since she's lived next door for seven and a half months, I don't recall the last bout with her next door... I believe the heat happened right before she moved here? Or was short and brief?

Now, M'Lady can simply ride out this period by keeping one of the dogs locked in her bathroom and enlisting extra help in walking both dogs at once. But I, of course, offered to take one of the dogs--specifically Schnapps, as he can't jump our "gate" and he's a little more mellow. At this point, the cats are mostly used to him.

Well, this month, I ended up with Schnapps. Though marginally employed, I've had some gig engagements and, rather than risk another dog/roommie encounter, I brought Schnapps back over to M'Lady's place when she was at work or whatever, locked one of the dogs in the bathroom, so as not to leave a dog at my place unsupervised.

Schnapps' stay lasted about a week. By himself, he was little problem. Quite enjoyable to have around. Yeah, he's higher maintenance than the cats, but I'm semi-used to that already, walking and caring for the dogs when she's away from home for work, etc. for a long day or out of town, etc.

The problems arose right after Schnapps saw Charlie in heat. Or, more properly, saw, smelled, heard, etc. Charlie in heat.

See, M'Lady and I sleep together often, usually by her place, due to the problems of having dogs at mine. When we have to be up at similar hours (once the dogs get up, EVERYBODY gets up), stuff like that--not every single night, as the cats feel better when I'm around, etc. But this Heat Thing called for a stretch where we kept our separate places, mostly, for sleeping and for the dogs' happiness. So it was nice to see each other for a walk.

And a walk was no walk in the park. Even if the weather allowed us to actually go to the park. Schnapps was far more concerned with trying to mount Charlie the entire time, often even forgetting his obligation to...well, poop.

Look away for a mere moment or space-out...and puppies could be on the way.

When Schnapps would come back with me after seeing Charlie, he'd whine for a while. He'd even howl! I'd limit my trips to the bathroom, etc., because I try not to have him unattended, never knowing when the roomie might emerge... I'd keep my ears peeled, while peeing or showering or what have you, because he tended to howl most when I wasn't in the room, and I didn't want him howling much, considering roomie and the neighbors... In short, it seemed a bit like I was caring for an infant.

And while real parents will make fun of me for saying it... M'Lady and I obtained a lesson in parenthood. Of sacrificing our personal lives for our "family."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids are much, much higher maintenance than dogs. Even dogs in heat. But...still.

Of course, having one dog au natural wouldn't be much problem. And I might dare to argue that a male dog and a female dog in heat are more trouble than, say, one well-behaved baby. Most people don't have more than one infant/baby at once.

So it all brought me a greater appreciation of that Octomom.

Actually, no. She's still a flaming knucklehead...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/30/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Is barbecuing. As we all should be now... What's a matter with you?... See you next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2010:

To honor Memorial Day

thank veterans--in your own way.

By most that I've known

respect can be shown

by mounting Memorial Lay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2010:

In all seriousness, it IS Memorial Day, so please take time to remember/thank not only any veteran family, friends or others who've played a role in your life, but all of the veterans who've played a role in defending our/your country overall.

Consider exercising one of the freedoms those veterans worked so hard, and often died, to defend. Read a controversial book, bash a politician, go topless...

Okay, I guess we don't have the freedom to go topless, but another thing about freedom is that it's always evolving for the better so... We'll stick with that--

Go topless for Memorial Day...

Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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