Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2010:

Might celebrate, but...in what way?

This date that is dubbed "All Saints' Day"...

Perhaps have sex mission--

miss'nary position

and call the nut an "All Saints' Lay"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2010:

Whoo hoo! All Saints' Day!

Party!

Par-ty!

Whoo hoo!...

Happy Extra Cheezy All Saints' Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2010:

Election B.S. takes its toll--

sports offer escape; sooth the soul!

What's that headline say?...

You can't get away--

"The NFL Gives Cash to Pols"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2010:

"Ex-Manager Sues McDonald's for Making Him Fat, Wins"

and

"Catcalling to be Outlawed in NYC?"

Two headlines that, sadly, no longer even tingle the shock bone...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2010:

Fat worker sued McD's--and won!

For plumping up his lazy buns!

New York's City Hall

might outlaw catcalls...

News properly dubbed, "whackjob"...once...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2010:

Wow.

That Segway sure took over our urban streets--just like the media and the dude behind it said it would, when they teased us for weeks about the unveiling of the long-unnamed revolutionary device that has now change the way we navigate city streets?

Really.

They're all over the place!

Completely affordable. And completely needed, to boot, what with our society losing too much wait and badly needing less exercise and all.

Wow.

That Segway sure revolutionized everything...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 11/3/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Oh...

...It's Wednesday again, isn't it?... Hey. Don't blame us--we've farmed this one out... Guessin' it'll be back next week...

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2010:

Made honkin' deal fore was unfurled--

now everywhere, urban to rural!

Not mere goofy novelty,

full-on rev'lution'ry--

Segway changed transport 'cross world!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2010:

O-kay... Having went through a huge move, with M'Lady moving her copious stuff into my homestead for Oct. 1, and still very much dealing with that, cleaning away sections, then pioneering into the still-cluttered wild... Question--

Didn't everybody get used to the "take your shoes off in the house" rule when they were kids? If not through your own mother, through friends' mothers?

And didn't you all also see the common sense in that upon adulthood? You know, tough to make time to clean, why not maintain the clean as long as you can? Hence, remove the shoes in the freakin' house?

And, really, the saying's, "Kick back, TAKE OFF your shoes," not, "Kick back, walk around with your shoes all over the freakin' house, dirtyin' the GOD DAMNED FLOORS I JUST WORKED SO HARD TO CLEAN"... I'm not asking you to CARRY CEMENT BRICKS AROUND, just to take an extra minute to REMOVE YOUR FREAKIN' SHOES and another minute to put 'em back on before leaving!"

Ahem.

Just asking...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2010:

For ages, wisely, moms implored--

take your damn shoes off at the door!

The saying, buttcracks?

"Take shoes OFF, relax!"--

not keep 'em on, please trash my floors!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2010:

So I went into a CVS store to buy a small can of coffee, not yet ready to make a full grocery store trip but almost out of the essential black beverage.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Went to a traditional checkout line and... No worker there.

Nor at the other two, three checkouts, although they were all theoretically "open."

Where were they all?

Helping customers with problems utilizing the convenient, self-checkout registers.

Hmmm...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/5/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Blah...

Blah blah blah...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2010:

A mick crooner named Dan Malloy

thought, "Hot groupie chick? Night's sex toy!"

On one count thought wrong

so his newest song?

A classic update--"Tranny Boy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2010:

Saw a guy crash his bike--largely because he was yappin' on his cell while driving it.

Haw hawwww!... Ahem.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Was kinda hoping a steamroller or something would've happened along around that point.

Good to get these thoughts out now, before the Holidays and all that "Good will to fellow man" stuff...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2010:

Designed to fill roles of store clerks

self checkouts have so many quirks...

Folks using them, chronically,

need help, ironically,

from clerks they'll put out of work!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2010:

So the city of San Francisco has placed restrictions on McDonald's Happy Meals--can't give toys to kids with such a package unless it includes fruits, veggies or some such.

Since San Fran is a pioneer in the idea of rights for sex workers, however, Micky D's is free to replace the popular deal with something like, oh... A Happy Ending Meal?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/7/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming Next Week to Sunday Story Time...

...Seriously, this time. That multi-chapter tale we've been pluggin'.

Moved-in enough.

Still lots of work... Aaaarggh!

But, seriously. Coming next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/7/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Artist statement

 

With this piece, I wanted

to investigate the slid-shod

boundary between dreams

and wakefulness. So I built

a replica king-sized bed

in a white room with two doors.

 

I invite people to walk in

and experience the blankness

of the walls, ceiling and floor.

Then they are free to lie down

on the bed, where they may sleep

until a museum docent gently

 

brings them back to consciousness.

All I ask in return is that they

write down the first word that

comes to them upon waking,

in a tasteful blue notebook

kept at the exhibit's exit.

 

I have designs to compile these

one-word musings into collages

of half-awake utterances. I plan

on photographing the results

and selling them in a handsome,

thick, no-nonsense volume for $380.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2010:

San Fran cracks down on...Happy Meals?

Want toys, kids? Eat healthy's the deal!

Extremist Big Mother

means...folks will find other

ways to make their plump kiddies squeal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2010:

Many of us in the Western World are now whinin' about how early it's getting dark--with the exception of places like Arizona which, really, outta just come clean and announce their separatist intentions and get it over with, anyway.

Thing is... Right NOW, we're on normal time. The system that went January through December since the Ancient Greeks and Sumerians and all those cats and kittens.

It wasn't until last century, a couple moments ago in the Grand Scheme of Human Things, that we decided to play with the age-honored system so that we could have a few more hours of sunlight.

But, of course, there is no free sunlight. Thus we pay for it now--sundown wouldn't seem so dramatically early if we hadn't just cheated the system outta extra daylight for seven months or whatever.

Not sure why we even bother going back and forth. That is, why we don't just keep the damn time an hour later than the rest of our millennia. But we're sure there are solid scientific and social reasons for it.

We think.

Now, we acknowledge the "real" time system all along by dubbing what we've just come out of something different--"Daylight Savings Time." A special system, temporarily.

In any event, considering that we're now on the altered clock for more of the calendar than this one--the "real" time"--shouldn't we instead refer to this as, "Daylight Shavings Time"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2010:

Saw crash--bikin', cell-talkin' prick.

Thought... "Steamroller sure'd do the trick!"

Must get those thoughts now out! When

Thanksgiving comes, routs them

with that "Goodwill to man" shtick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2010:

It's time for an (unfortunately) annual reminder, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Now, it's not yet Thanksgiving. Yet Big Evil Retail is shitting Christmas all over the place, cheapening the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

So, what to do? Well, you can make calls, send letters and e-mails to the companies behind the sinister deeds, of course.

But we're once again urging you to walk into one of the retail establishments currently raping Santa, not to mention Jesus, anally and unlubricated and... Well, the typical grunt worker is just tryin' to pay his or her bills. So ask to see a manager.

Then ask to see the manager's manager/boss.

And so on. And so forth. Until you get as high up the store's ladder as you can.

Optionally, say something like, "You do realize it's not yet Thanksgiving?" to the higher-up in question.

Then... Kick 'em right in the nuts. (Or nut region, should it be a chick.)

Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'...

Actually, make telling 'em DL sent ya' optional...

On third thought, don't tell 'em DL sent ya'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2010:

Folks bitch and moan 'bout Daylight Savings Time

for Fall Back--the "real" time. We're crave inclined

for late sunsets. Had to go

tink'ring with age-old flow--

payback thus seems Daylight Shavings Time!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2010:

MSNBC talking head Keith Olbermann will be back on the air Tuesday, a two-day suspension being deemed good enough punishment for his ethical violations--giving money to political candidates despite having a job that places objectivity above all else.

You'd think that considering...well, look around you, folks like Olbermann would be especially careful, grateful to even have a job right now--especially in the beyond dead, now rotting industry known as journalism.

Oh, that's right. As a news dude, now perhaps "news" dude, he certainly knows that the recession is over...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 11/10/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Weird Yet Tasty Treat--

Mostaccioli covered in Italian beef au jus from Bemo's. Bemo's is a hot dog stand at 5000 W. Fullerton (Chicago) that serves this tasty treat. It has a ton of options for the dish...not sure if any of them are good.

Not even sure if this mostaccioli is good, but it tastes exactly as it did when I was a child, so it seems to be Monte-licious to me.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2010:

Keith Olbermann donated gobs

of cash to the donkey crook mob.

Of hubbub occurrin'?

Shocked he's so secure in,

these days, a damn journ'lism job!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2010:

Apparently, "reality" TV show participants are committing suicide at an alarming rate.

On an unrelated note, Creationists still don't see any real evidence of Darwinism at work, whether through history, biology or other arenas like, oh, we don't know, say, popular culture?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2010:

Creationists claim science's tide

still don't tip scales to Darwin's side.

Yet fittests' survival'd

sure explain unrivaled

"reality" star suicides!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2010:

So the Obamas visit Indonesia, where the Big Cheeze Imam, Information Minister Tifatul Sembiring, caused a hubbub by...TOUCHING MICHELE OBAMA'S HAND for a handshake!

See, conservative Muslims there don't believe a man should touch a woman to whom he is not related.

Oh, we can imagine the headlines--

"Ick! Information Minister Touches a Gross Girl!"

Is the main mosque there up in a tree house bearing an enormous sign, "No Girls Allowed!"

This provides insight into our overall War on Terror. If these cats follow Wise Councils consisting of boys in the third grade, maybe we should try bombing them with, oh, Wii games and copies of Jugs?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/12/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Is This Thing On?...

I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing...perverts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2010:

Mike found two...three chicks! Raking leaves!

'Neath pile... Checked--hot! 'Live! (Was relieved!)

Cheerleaders next door

got drunk, there now snored...

He jumped in pile--went raking beaves!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2010:

MySpace keeps changing its format all over the freakin' place.

Why do I bother? Lot of musicians still on it and... That's beside the point. Point is that I can't even figure out how to freakin' logout of MySpace the last couple of weeks when we do our weekly check-in.

Guess they're tryin' to be more like, or "better" than, Facebook or somethin'.

Hmm.

Although it IS fall... Why do I keep seeing the vision of Charlie Brown running up to kick that football?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2010:

The terror threat may never fade

but there's cause to not be afraid!

That nut imam's drama--

touched hand, Ms. Obama?

They're mentally, boys in third grade!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2010:

A Pentagon report finds there is little risk in having out-of-the-closet gays involved in combat operations.

So, the study focused on...what? Evidence of cooties?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/14/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Prologue

Anyone out there who feels that his or her life's in need of more drama ought to take on a roommate.

A random roommate. More or less. You check 'em out, to some degree. Even when you check 'em out to the Nth Degree... Well, drama.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may remember my earlier multi-chapter renter/roommate tale featured in Sunday Story Time, which focused on a let-out-on-a-trial-basis-from-the-halfway-house derelict to whom I so wisely rented a room.

The tale of this renter/roommate has its odd similarities, although the derelict in question is much different and from a much different background.

A note and/or reminder to those for who it's needed--

In a divorce, I ended up with a condo in a swank Chicago neighborhood. My ex's salary at the time of purchase was more than double the highest salary I've ever earned, so in order to keep this condo (she didn't want it, was planning to move or something), I've had to rent the extra rooms out (a bedroom and a second living room, formerly a dining room).

Which has been...interesting. In a Chinese way.

Now the Renter/Roommate Roulette has finally ended, with M'Lady (and fiance) having moved into the joint after the subject of this tale's final lease expired. But the memories, and the lessons, will live on.

I had a total of four renter/roommates over a span of almost six years. One, the first, was a friend. Another was a chick who stayed for a little more than a year. While a good writer can spin an exciting tale out of anything, there were only two of the renters whose antics screamed out for a write-up.

One has already been written up. Now, it's time for the other.

I'm giving this cat a pen name that's similar in some ways to his real name. Thus, the real roommate/renter did indeed bear a first name shared with a large U.S. city and his last name... Well, we'll piss off that bridge when we come to it.

Oh, and you might notice from the very title of this tale that... Well, sure it's fairly standard protocol at Daily Limerick to toss hyper-sensitivity and P.C. pandering out the window. But, you may wonder... LUSH? Even for Daily Limerick?

Let's just say that, number one, I've been there myself, thus have the cred to toss about "Lush" as my kinda N-Word.

Secondly... The whole idea of drunks or other addicts as "victims" or "diseased" is a heapin', steamin' load of crap. Sure, people don't purposefully pursue addictions and they're rough, lamentable, perhaps deserving of pity in some degree but... Addicts do it to themselves. Somebody doesn't cough on you on the bus, leading you to become a raging crock.

And drunks and addicts can, and should, be laughed at. Ala Otis on the old "Andy Griffith Show." Chuckle away at 'em.

Now join my on a trip down regrettable memory lane, to the day I met Cleveland Rushmore...

Coming Next Week--Never Trust a Man Who Doesn't Drink (At Least if He Boldly Announces it, Unsolicited and Unnecessarily)...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/14/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Near-present

 

I hold her wordlessly

as she cries into my shoulder.

 

The near-present is a monster

with pillow-soft teeth

that comforts us as it

chews us up.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2010:

So MySpace works big overhaul--

and, curiously, now, in fall.

A vision keeps stirring--

quest, each fall, recurring

of Charlie Brown--to kick football!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2010:

Nearly 1 in 10 children are now diagnosed with ADHD--up a full 22 percent in just four years!

Hmmm.

So, those diagnosed with ADHD bring a profit to the diagnosers and... Hmm... Hmm, indeed...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2010:

Study finds unharmed mil't'ry duties

when mixed with those for same-sex booty.

On one thing I'm muddy...

Just WHAT did they study?

D'They disprove existence of "cooties"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2010:

With the cost of health insurance going up... What, every two weeks now? And the industry, still insulated, despite all the "reform" talk, with anti-trust protection, set to benefit from soon-to-kick-in requirements that EVERY American must shell-out for coverage... Headline--

"Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois Lays Off 38"

Well. The "best healthcare system in the world" is, if nothing else at this point in time, full-on meeting the definition of "American"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2010:

Occurrence, kids' ADHD?

Up to one in ten, says study

by docs with drug's doses,

make dough with di'gnoses...

Those studies work conveniently!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2010:

Remember Newsweek?

Perhaps we should ask, of younger Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, ever HEARD OF Newsweek?

Anyway, we've had our fun at Newsweek's expense over the years, joking about how, when Newsweek identifies a "hot trend," you can bet your bottom buttock that it was indeed a hot trend...six months ago.

Nonetheless, it's on the endangered species list under, "Legitimate News Sources" and... We didn't notice, until recently, that it was sold.

To a Web site thing-a-ma-jig, "The Daily Beast."

For...$1.

Which is quite a score for Newsweek, if you've looked into the archaic idea of making a living writing, aka "blogging," lately...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 11/17/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Everybody Needs a Favorite Greasy Spoon

...And mine? Jeri's Grill (4357 N. Western Ave., Chicago), a good greasy spoon for burgers, soup and breakfast. The best cook, in my opinion, is the evening cook, the guy with the blue tinted glasses and the glass eye. He makes the soup and he really is a great fry cook--the best, in my opinion. Find your favorite but remember--contrary to popular belief, greasy spoons are not all created equal...

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2010:

Deal went down, nary a news holler,

but Newsweek was sold for...one dollar?

Journ'lism careers

are now... I'm unclear--

not white- or blue- but, well... no-collar?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2010:

In the Chicago area, we've been plagued by a "Swine Flu Bandit," who claimed he wore a facemask because of a bout with the illness. He was recently caught after allegedly knocking-off nine local banks.

Now it's been revealed that the culprit, Matthew Mahoney, was a Bank of America employee.

Let's not rush to judgment, of course, on the average BoA worker. They only rob us the LEGAL way...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2010:

That Swine Flu Bank Robber played keep-away;

nabbed nine, before caught, with masked evil play!

Turns out, was bank clerk! Where? The

Bank of America--

where most just rob folks the legal way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2010:

Illinois will be hosting, here in the year 2010, a U.S. Catholic, week-long conference on...exorcisms.

But, really, it's just the extremist Muslims who are stuck in an earlier century.

Seriously. We're workin' hard to understand exactly why, but that's the deal folks...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/19/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Why Do We Bother?...

...Continually running this section head with no real content, thinking some witty, entertainment-savvy Slapper Yapper Grasshopper is gonna surf away from Facebook and the titty sites long enough to take over writing the short, fun, low-maintenance section once a week?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2010:

Mike barely could wash down Tofurkey,

Thanksgiving, with Vegan chicks quirky,

but gave thanks, munched lettuce

as one stoked his fetish

by, 'neath table, giving toe-jerky!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2010:

Guess I'm becoming one of THOSE guys.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here, on an Extra Cheezy Saturday.

I think it happens as you grow older. Not that I consider myself OLD, mind you, but... Well, nobody's growing YOUNGER.

I first noticed it happen to a friend. Couple years ago. And he's younger than I, so maybe that's a positive, for me, that I held off a little longer.

See a hot babe on the TV saying something like... Oh, "It's heavenly!" And you say back, "Oh, I'll give you something HEAVENLY--something heavenly from my PANTS!"

That sorta thing.

Oh, well. At least I'm not doin' the socks-and-sandals thing...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2010:

It's wrong to see Catholicism

as hopeless, outdated thought jism!

Let news mount defense...

See! Modern conf'rence

to focus on... um... exorcism?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2010:

So ABC is hosting a show, in collaboration with People magazine--

"25 Years of Sexy"

Gee. Seems I remember, you know, sexy girls and such since I was a kid, and I'm (ahem) past 25... Seems I remember girls finding boys sexy, too, but... Ah, well. People would be the authority...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/21/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter One-- Never Trust a Man Who Doesn't Drink (At Least if He Boldly Announces it, Unsolicited and Unnecessarily)...

After my experience renting to the halfway house denizen (again, fully written up in Sunday Story Time--see the 'Chives), I'd instituted a form of credit check for possible roommate/renters.

Consulting with family members involved in real estate, I even came up with a form for the process, although it was never a "real" credit check, just a way to confirm gainful employment/income and former landlords/roommates so as to bring any red flags to the forefront.

I avoided one possibly troublesome candidate in calling a former roommate (who handled the rent payment for a trio of housemates). She railed against the guy, said he still owed her money... The wannabe renter/roommate in question pleaded with me--"She's lying; she's the one who made the payment late even though we all paid her on time blah blah blah"--and my gut take was that he was in the right but... Well, why'd you give her for a reference, dude? I explained to him that I was no big-time landlord and that, sorry, I'd had some renter problems so... Good luck with the roommate search and don't use that chick as a reference anymore.

Cleveland Rushmore's makeshift credit report came out A-OK.

Now, both my brother-in-law and my father have rented numerous houses and such and been through the whole credit report, etc. spiel. They cautioned that even some of those passing credit reports at an A++ level--decent people, long-time married with kids, employed with stability--can cause a lease to go horribly, terribly wrong.

In short, you never know for sure until you try 'em.

Before I "ran" the credit report, I met with Cleveland, a gay dude and recently retired ballet dancer about my age. Filled him in on the general rules--

"I really don't care what you do as long as you follow general rules of civility. You can be up late, have people over late, as long as, after a certain time--I generally go to bed around midnight most nights--you take it into your room, rather than your living room area. I don't care if you drink or whatever as long as..."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that," Cleveland interrupted. "I don't drink anymore."

Hmmm.

I didn't ASK that. And I was amid explaining that I didn't CARE if he drank, as long as he followed those basic rules of civility.

See, having some experience with the world of alcoholism and recovery, I know that there's a certain type of person who goes out of his or her way to mention the fact that they don't drink "anymore."

There are long-time 12-Steppers.

And there are people who recently quit drinking.

Mostly people who VERY recently quit drinking.

And the stats on attaining solid recovery for someone who recently decided to quit?

Less than stellar.

But the guy had a trust fund set up, partly to pay for his tuition at a cooking school (his next planned career), so that even if he became a royal fuckup, money for rent should be handled. And my spare rooms had been sitting empty for a few months, causing a pain in the pocketbook.

So I gave Cleveland Rushmore the okay to be my next renter/roommate...

Coming Next Week--The Less than Groovin' Move-In!...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/21/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Live for the atomic bomb

 

I wait, breath, breath,

for the eggshell-sky to crack,

no yolk, all white.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2010:

"25 Years of Sexy" did-

up People Mag's thing TV, vid!

Mere 25 years?

Strange--thought it's been here

as I recall, since I were kid?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2010:

Headline--

"Vatican to Issue Guide on Handling Sex Abuse"

We're imagine the content of this guide... "Step One: Identify the cutest kids; Step Two: Discern which kids, of the cutest, have parents who pick them up after activities the latest"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2010:

Blue Cross-Blue Shield's rockin' the layoffs--

despite "must have insurance" payoff!

With cash-in unfurled

"best system in world's"

apparently, taking the day off!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2010:

We've changed our mind on something.

"Don't ask, don't tell" is an intelligent, workable system.

Not for the military and homophobia--but for porn in relationships.

See, we've mused on this topic heavily (see the Archives, taint-chewers) and... Well, guys use porn. In 99.9 percent of relationships, they hide it and say they don't, of course. Like most of society, most relationships function on ignorance and bullshit.

In my relationships, I don't. Now, honestly doesn't translate into graphic details. F'rinstance... I know M'Lady thinks about other guys. Cool, let's leave it at that. Don't need to hear all about the six-pack-ab dude she saw on the train and what thoughts seeing him launched.

Dig?

Likewise, with porn... When a lady goes snoopin', she might find, say, a Web vid of some chick performing some act that her man...indulged to.

As most women don't get porn, she could fluster herself doing this crap--"Is that the type of chick you like? Is it because her stomach's so flat?"

No, no, no ladies. It's not about any specific chick. Or other chicks in reality. It's about virtual reality, anonymous sex. Guys need that AS, so better to get it via fantasy, no? You know he does it (or should--trust me, he does), so just leave it at that. Don't ask, don't tell.

Are we all diggin'?

Don't ask, don't tell, my friends.

Dig it. Cosmic, dudes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2010:

The Vatican's issued a book for

the guidance on sex abuse nook. Er...

Is the book begun

with "Step Number One--

identify boy who's real looker"?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2010:

As a professional writer, even if that's a bit of a misnomer these days, I have a fundamental distrust of the whole e-reader thing.

However, in following the news, I am impressed with the way publishers and retailers are handling the matter. It seems that, unlike with the music industry, a system is in place for artists to receive fair compensation and all that stuff.

The industry thus seems to be respectful of the culture and history of traditional books.

And yet... Concerning the Kindle... Knowing the folks at Amazon blew zillions paying some marketing schmucks to carefully choose a name, whyd' they go with one that's...well, a synonym for burning?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 11/24/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Gobble, Gobble!

Turkey Day is upon, so eat some turkey! If yer not goin' home, and lookin' for a good turkey sandwich, made from an actual turkey, and not processed lunch meat.... Check out Red Hen Bakery (in Chicago), 1623 N. Milwaukee Ave. You won't be unsatisfied, plus you can also get some good fresh bread or cookies & donuts.

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2010:

Jed's girlfriend, 'til marriage, was chaste. Her

Thanksgiving feast prep stoked his taste fer

a serving of lovin'.

She bent o'er, near oven...

Cook's helper became master-baster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2010:

Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving from Daily Limerick!...

(If you're seeking "content" in this section today, we have a cooking tip for you...it involves stuffing--specifically, an extra orifice to stuff for an extra special, er, treat)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2010:

With military, it don't gel!

But porn, for chicks with guys? Works swell!

He'll use without fail!

Don't snoop for details!

For guys and porn--don't ask, don't tell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2010:

You now have the A-OK to begin Christmas festivities.

Daily Limerick is the authority on this matter.

Pay no attention to the evil-doer retailers and advertisers who started some time ago.

Gentle Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, start your Holiday engines!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 11/26/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bastards...

You're all a bunch of mealy-mouthed, shiftless, senseless butt-bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2010:

A stud with no use for Black Friday

thought, "Stores full of chicks... I'll stack MY day!"

His conquests all white did,

"Goodwill to all!" cited,

one ethnic--and made it "Black Pie Day"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2010:

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may remember... Actually, we're talking Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who are likely TOO into Daily Limerick, really, but... Well, you might recall from my scrawlings herein that back in my 18-year-old college days, my nickname was Burl.

Never stuck past college.

Thus I'm flattered that there's so much attention lately on things Burl-esque.

There's even a new movie out. Guess it focuses on putting a bong in your face first thing in the morning or something...

Happy Extra Cheezy First Saturday of the REAL Holiday Season!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2010:

Ad creeps feel anti-Christmas sin wins--

cheap'ning Yule, pushing back beginnin'.

But non-evil living

wait 'til past Thanksgiving--

good people, start Holiday Engines!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2010:

When I was a shaver--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--I used to think that a "heart attack" was a "HARD attack."

Well, they sound alike.

Couldn't imagine why so many of my grandparents' friends were being viciously assaulted but... Hey. It's the first official, as-God-intended-it weekend of the Christmas Season...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/28/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Er...Um...You See...

Hey, give us a break! It's Thanksgiving weekend. We've waited until now to set up the tree and decorations--as God intended it (a pox on the damn advertisers and retailers who can't wait)... And, sure, we put-off starting this multi-chapter tale for more than a month, but we deserve the rest this week...

Coming Next Week (for sure)--The Less than Groovin' Move-In!...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/28/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...Um...

 

Paging Mike Chmielecki... Paging Mike, of Accursed Verse, er, "fame"...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2010:

E-book sales, from what I discern

respect legacy--writers earn.

But why's Kindle reader,

an industry leader,

have a name that also means, "burn"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2010:

Under pressure from do-gooder Big Mother activists, companies including Butterball and Hostess are using less salt in products.

It's official--Twinkies are now health food!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2010:

Though somewhat a health-eating dude

I oft seek excuse for snack mood!

Read Hostess cuts salt!

Indulging, why halt--

for now, Twinkies are a health food!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2010:

The 'Stash is back!

The moustache, that is.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Wearin' a moustache for a couple days. M'Lady liked the idea. That's a story for another day...maybe.

Just for a couple days because I have a job interview coming up and the reasoning is to be clean-shaven... Not as if, of course, people with jobs don't have facial hair but, well, that's the reasoning, and that's a topic, too, for another day...maybe.

I've noticed chicks lookin' at me, more than usual, when I've been out and about.

It's been a while since the 'Stash--not a goatee, not a full beard, not mutton chops or other "in" alternative-y stuff... Well, the 'Stash's comeback has been a long time coming.

Now, granted, I've never been good at discerning whether chicks are actually diggin' in their lookin' at me or if...ahem.

But I'm declaring full-on that the 'Stash is back anyway!...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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