Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2010

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2010:

Know, TV ads? Lame! Plan? Avoidance!

But Cheerios... Can't maintain coy stance!

Toss in groc'ry cart--

Bam! They fix your heart?

Arrest them for Crimes of Annoyance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2010:

Amid my perpetual job/gig seeking (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), I stumbled across an ad for an... "Internship for Telemarketing."

Things have gotten so bad that you've gotta do a crap-ass gig like that for free now?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/1/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Well, his mouth is too full to chime-in this week--you know, 'cause he's busy "Eating It"... Er, make that too full to type.

You CAN have a mouth too full to actually type. Really, you oughta see it--it's pathetic...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2010:

Chi-Town police issued a bomb, which

told gangs, "Stop--or else!" Such aplomb dished!

Since they can't redact it

I guess the next tactic's

a banner with, "Mission Accomplished"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2010:

Speaking on today's Limerick topic... So the Iraq War is over.

Of course, we still have 50,000 troops there, but they're "non-combat" troops and they're scheduled to leave... Hmm.

We were always under the impression that Orwell was indulging wildly exaggerated warnings as opposed to actual PREDICTIONS with stuff like, oh, "War is Peace"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2010:

Iraqi War, U.S rep stain's,

now over... 'Least POTUS ordained.

Though home came troops brave--

Orwell rolls in grave--

50K "non-combat" remain!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2010:

Northwestern University professor Kristian Hammond--utilizing $700K+ Stimulus Funds, to boot--has created a software program that creates jokes.

Hammond himself admits that it's more about the computer and human brain-workings angle and that the jokes aren't very funny.

We're gonna have to side with John McCain in bashing this one. We already HAVE in place bad-joke machines--they're called "comedy open mics"!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/3/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Who's Gonna Take This Over?

If a question's asked on a Web site and nobody answers... Oh, sod off!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2010:

A fella whom most chicks found hot

at party, tried mooching some pot

but chicks wouldn't share.

Learned lesson in "fair"--

world differs, 'tween have and have-twots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2010:

Ah, how I love fall!

(Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

Especially after this blazing summer... Well, they weather isn't fully cooperating yet, and it won't be OFFICIALLY fall until later in the month, but some cool days are hitting, the days are getting shorter, leaves are ever so slightly starting to change color in some spots, football's back... Oh.

A column on fantasy football's returned to my newspaper. Guess that's back, too.

Almost forgot about how the media--and even the NFL--cater to those annoying, pathetic dorks.

Sure fall, like every season, has its ups AND downs. But we'll try to focus on the ups...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2010:

Now, fantasy football's just lame--

those dorks just ruin watching real games!

Worst thing 'bout their capers?

League and my newspaper

cater to those moron lame-brains!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2010:

West Virginia's Cabell County is banning swing sets because lawsuits over injuries are too much to afford for school systems and such.

You know what we can really use about now? Another TV show glorifying lawyers...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/5/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming soon to Sunday Story Time...

...Okay, we've plugged this upcoming multi-parter enough.

But when you finally see what it is we're gearing up for, you'll forget all about the numerous blow-off editions it spawned this summer. Although they're not total blow-offs--we've given you tastes of what's to come, which entails some work and some (for lack of a better term) enjoyment.

You wanna see a total blow-off edition? Well, look no further...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/5/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The softest

 

It seems almost divine,

the winds whipping up,

the eye wall forming,

right when people we love are ill or dying.

 

Did god contour those clouds and spin

the earth in just the right direction

to cause such awesome desperation

and destruction?

 

Funeral bells obscured by the

thundering wind. If heaven is a road,

is the pavement blowing apart

under the storm surge's load?

 

Are we going to have to call on cherubs

to sweep up the mess

of snapped poles and dead meat

with the softest golden brooms?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2010:

Out in West Virginia best bet

for gov was to ban all swing sets

to stop injuries.

Soon we'll be fun-free

thanks to all our lawyers--don't fret!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2010:

Happy Labor Day!

And we didn't produce a Labor Day-themed Limerick this year because, looking back, we realize that for the past three years, we used gags about how folks are LACKING labor, rather than partying to escape it and, well, maybe we're cursing shit...

What, you lookin' for somethin' else here?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2010:

A prof., with computers main like,

scored Stimulus Funds! Got him psyched!

His software tells jokes!

(Most bad, cops the bloke.)

Why bother? We HAVE open mics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2010:

So I'm watching a football game the other day and, during a semi-exciting play, the screen freezes, I lose the telecast for a moment. (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

When the broadcast recovers, I'm happy to see that they're re-playing the play I missed... And the replay, too, freezes.

It's so awesome that Congress forced...er, pleased us consumers by mandating that early switch to all-digital TV, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2010:

Watched football and telecast paused

for big play. Gone dig'tal's the cause!

Replay? F'd up, too!

Thanks Congress, pushed through

that TV "pro-consumer" law!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2010:

Okay, now that we're all recovering from the Labor Day holiday... One Dr. Jacquelyn Kotaras was found dead in an odd place. It appears that, in sneaking into her estranged boyfriend's home, she became stuck...in the chimney.

Now, we'll admit to being a little too eager for Christmas, but this is ridiculous...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/8/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Soup's On!

It's gettin cool, fall is in the air... Time for some soup! I have a new spot for some good chicken tortilla soup in Chicago--the Ravenswood Grill at 1968 W. Lawrence. This used to be a dumpy little diner for years, and was recently closed down. After some time, it was sold and reopened by, not only new management, but new everybody. Completely new!

The chicken tortilla soup is some of the best I have had in recent memory. They use mole in the base/stock. Mole is a chocolate/spicy sauce used mostly for enchiladas and what not. When used in the soup, it really makes a unique flavor, worthy trying at all costs. Look for tortilla soup in your neck of the woods.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2010:

A stalking doc hatched plot quit flimsy--

died, stuck in estranged boyfriend's chimney

a'tryin' to sneak in.

Though I love Season--

it's too early for Christmas whimsy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2010:

A Chicago Tribune/WGN News (Chicago) poll finds that 6 of 10 Illinoisans don't trust state government.

ONLY 6 in 10?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2010:

Poll shows Ill'nois voters are mixed

on trusting state pols and their tricks.

Seems six out of ten

toward distrust do yen--

what shocks me most is... ONLY SIX?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2010:

Since "Competitive Eating" is now viewed as an official sport--and every bit as deserving as, say, NASCAR... Isn't it time for a Competitive Drinking League?

Well, guess something like that might not fly in our health conscious facade times.

Which reminds us... Have we mentioned that a serialized, multi-chapter, month-spanning feature is coming this October to Sunday Story Time?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/10/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: You Know...

(Sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2010:

A couple of horny late teens

played chess game that soon waxed obscene.

Just learning the game

lust burst into flames

when he called out, "Knight jumps the queen!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2010:

With Chicago Dictator...er, Mayor Richard M. Daley finally announcing his retirement, our Chief Limericist is checking-in here to announce his official 2011 Campaign for City of Chicago Mayor!

Okay, maybe it's not quite "official."

Okay... Well, we're announcing it, anyway...

Perfect kinda "news" for an Extra Cheezy Saturday, no?...

By the way... Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

And Happy Patriot Day, too...

Actually, Happy Extra Cheezy Patriot Day!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2010:

With base cred for "athletes" so shrinking

the sport-eating scene's got me thinking...

If glut'ny's a sport

will we soon resort

to watching "competitive drinking"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2010:

Chicago Sun-Times headline:

"Study: Big Moves on Dance Floor Attract Women"

Does anybody care to send a memo to the folks in the Academic Ivory Towers, reminding them that an International Financial Crisis is going on?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/12/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Well... It's Like This, You See..

...Yeah. Um... Did we mention that we have a big, honkin', multi-chapter, serialized tale coming to this section Oct. 3?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/12/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: An easy mistake to make

 

Grasp the slick boat bottom facing up.

Don't tip the ferryman! He never

said anything, and I assumed by

his silence that he agreed we would

take a calm, rippling path.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2010:

Big shocker--chicks want guy who...dances!

Big study found--what were the chances?

Can someone inform those

Ivory Tower bozos

that Recession has world by pants-es?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2010:

Ohio State government workers are in trouble for using public computers, on public time, to...snoop on "American Idol" contestant Crystal Bowersox.

No, we're not Ohioans, but we'd feel a lot better if our tax dollars were being wasted on something, ANYTHING but "Idol" gossip... Never thought we'd say this, but we'd feel more confident in our government if the slackers were surfing for porn on the public dole instead...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2010:

Ohio folks, news leaves forlorn

gov. workers snooped into that corn-

ball queen, "Idol's" Bowersox.

'd'Feel better 'bout this crock

if they'd waste tax-dole on porn!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2010:

Checked into my Facebook... Oh, Chief Limericist checking into Daily Limerick, here... And discovered that a Facebook page exists for a friend's (or more properly a "friend's") baby.

I suppose it shouldn't shock me.

But... I'm really trying hard not to be one of those "the modern world's going to hell in a hand basket" types. I really am.

I'm trying hard.

I'm trying so, so hard...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2010:

I fight being one who blows gasket,

say'n, "World's gone to hell in hand basket!"

while rising in age.

See tot's Facebook page

and... Screw it! World's hopeless--why mask it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2010:

There was a story this week in our traditional, dinosaur newspaper about how ex-law enforcement officials back the idea of legalizing marijuana in California.

A teeny little story.

Tucked in the middle of the general news section.

Because, really, who wants to read about common sense ideas that might actually spur positive change when we can focus on symbolic opposition to a mosque or how Taylor Swift dissed Kanye West at some celebrity ego-masturbatory awards show?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/15/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Get Adventurous With Sweet Breads!

Sweet Breads!!! Sound good, right? They are--some of the most delicious, sweetest, softest breaded meat you can eat. My wife and I get 'em every time we see 'em on a menu. Even the name looks good, "Sweet Breads."

Sweet  Breads are actually the gland in the neck in veal/baby cow. Doesn't sound so good anymore, does it? But they are--they are super delicious and totally worth tryin, kinda like cow tongue tacos at a Mexican spot. (Cow tongue is good, too! I actually don't eat cow tongue now, though, but I have tried it several times and it's good.)

So the next time you see "Sweet Breads" on a menu, give 'em a try. They're best when they pound 'em out and flatten 'em.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2010:

News story on cops backing the

leg'lizing of pot--quite teeny--

tucked WAY back. Big news

of cons'quence will lose

on front page to, say, mosque-phobic spree.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2010:

Perusing the TV listings in our newspaper, the identifier of a talk show guest made us glad to see that one of the lamest TV shows in TV history has finally changed its name from the blatantly false "American Idol" to the more truthful "American Idiot."

Too bad they didn't completely fess-up and change it to "America's Future Trivia Question Answer" but...step in the right direction.

Ohhhh... It's actually a different show, and not even a TV show. Our bad...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2010:

First read, thought, "At least they changed name

to reflect how show's honkin' lame!"

But learned, "'Mer'can Idiot's"

diff'rent from Show o' Twits--

guess "Idol's" name stays the same!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2010:

Get this--

Public opinion in our lazy, fat-ass society, always quick to blame something, ANYTHING else for fat-assity, has blamed corn syrup as one of the many villains, prompting producers of the delicious stuff to attempt a re-name of "corn sugar."

This despite the fact that scientists see no evidence that it's worse then plain old sugar. Even the American Medical Association--a doctor's union with no qualms about cash-for-"science" or endorsing pseudo-science--cites this lack of evidence.

However, Michelle Obama--you know, the U.S. First Lady--is still against the stuff, in her unofficial, unelected, Yoko-esque position as "Health Guru."

Such is the relationship of science and government. Some things never "change"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/17/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pppp! Pppppppp!...

...Pppppp! Ppppppppp! Ppp! Ppppp! Ppppppp!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2010:

A rumor dubs Oedipus fink fer

drugging a chick, so he could dink her.

Nailed each orifice!

She woke, was remiss

to solve sore Riddle of her Sphincter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2010:

We're still trying to decide whether it's a good thing that Super Hack Jim Belushi has went from comedy to drama for his new TV show...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2010:

His comic career? Lame-O-Rama!

So now Jim Belushi tries... Drama?

Homeland Secur'ty

cuff him! Cultur'ly

he's terrorist--just like Osama!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2010:

British researchers have found that when consumers find a good deal on consumer goods, the emotional effects mimic those of viewing pornography.

Which means we're gonna be awfully careful around others shoppers in places like, say, Big Lots...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/19/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Life of a Starving...Extra

Starving artist.

An accepted term. Perhaps a stereotype. But like many stereotypes, there's a whole lot of truth behind it, which is why it became a stereotype to begin with.

"Artist," here, of course, connotes the broader spectrum of creative types. Not just, say, painters and sculptors. "Starving artist" just has a nicer ring than some of the subsets it encompasses, like "starving writer" or "starving actor."

The term is rarely valid literally. At least in most of the Western World, "starving" is generally not about actually going hungry, but about struggling to pay the rent, living on the cheap, etc.

But as a movie/TV/etc. extra--someone who fills a role, as people are needed on-set who are notactual scripted characters with dialogue and such--starving can be the literal case.

I'm an actor myself. Sorta. Started doing stand-up, emceeing and such a long time back and, amid the Great Recession, with a journalism degree now near worthless and having 17+ years of performing experience, I started looking into acting gigs--and have seen stretches where I've made more money acting than writing. Ironic, really, since I majored in journalism as a "sensible" career path to supplement artistry in the form of novels, humor writing, etc. But that's a tale for another Sunday, perhaps.

I've only done a few extra gigs but two of them found me starving. Sort of. Closer to literal than most "starving actors," anyway.

For one, I played a white supremacist sort. It was for one of those true crime kinda shows where most everybody, with the exception of some of the real-life players interviewed, worked without dialogue--a narrator tells most of the story via voiceover. Mine was a recurring character, actually, because, honestly, the big production company was a bunch of cheap bastards so, rather than pay me for a role, they made me a lesser paid "extra."

Anyway, one of my scenes entailed my character meeting with some of his white supremacist friends in a restaurant. So, the crew bought us some lunch. And I was hungry! The food came and they instructed us to nibble away, in between pretending to discuss our seamy business. (What's called "acting," whereas "extra-ing" is more just filling back ground space, for less money...but I'm digressing.)

Then they'd say, "Okay, let's redo the earlier part of the conversation--before the food came. Take the food away!"

And I had to stop eating. With my appetite whet. Smelling the diner smells and all... Pfft.

Then they brought the food back.

Then they took it away... Eventually, I got to finish the burger, fries, etc. But it was a real meal-tease.

Recently, I went on another extra gig. (I don't do these things without some form of money involved, or at least a company that seems professional so it might involve money eventually--and it involves something I enjoy doing, a character that's fun to play, etc.) As these things often go, they kept it hush-hush ahead of time, exactly what it was for, as... I don't know. I'm guessing they don't want all the extras blabbing to friends and encouraging gawkers or something.

Turns out, this gig was for a cooking informercial thingie. To plug a brand of stoves, kitchen appliances, etc. In this case, I was indubitably an extra--in fact, a paid audience member. So what kinda show did I watch?

Cooking. Cooking chicken, steaks, pico de gallo... Smelled awesome, from the studio audience.

No samples for us extras. Too much of us, not enough to go around.

We sat and watched, smelled, dreamed for about an hour and a half.

So I played the role, yet again, of starving extra. Although I did scam a cup of coffee on the way out...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/19/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Getting ready

 

I'll get all three of us

under the stairs before

the explosion. The sky

is pale with open arms,

ready to accept the gift.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2010:

Psych study finds shoppers who've got

a deal on goods that's really hot

feel rush that's just like

the porn viewing spike--

so watch your ass shopping Big Lots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2010:

Researchers have announced the results of a multi-million-dollar study into the phenomenon of writer's block and... Ahem.

We totally made that up. There is no study.

Well, actually... Today's edition is sort of a study into writer's block...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2010:

So corn syrup is the new villain

in fat-ass bug that has us illin'.

Though evidence lacks

can't bother with facts--

as Victims, that "cause" role needs fillin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2010:

Top welfare recipient General Motors is now seeking foreign buyers for its initial stock offering, including from Chinese automaker SAIC.

Interestingly, SAIC is owned by the Chinese government.

Meaning GM actually needs to be bailed-out by more than one country to survive?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2010:

GM's IPO--for occasion,

seeks big foreign stock buys. Persuasion

courts SAIC's--

owned by the Chinese!

Thus needs bailouts from TWO damn nations!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2010:

Any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there looking into new jobs may have noticed that many "help wanted" ads list both "required/mandatory" qualifications and "preferred" qualifications or those that are "a plus."

Ala... "Expertise in Adobe Photoshop required" and "Spanish speaking a plus."

With jobs scarce and mountains of applicants for all openings... Who're you kidding? Not "required" but simply "preferred" or "a plus," our ass...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/22/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: You Need an Italian Beef Sandwich?

I gotta spot for you to try (in Chicago), just for the beef, not a combo. For a combo I have a different spot; I will bring that to you at a later date. (A combo is Italian beef with an Italian sausage nestled within, by the way.) Here is the beef spot--Mr. Beef. Not the one downtown, the one on the northwest side of Chicago, on Harlem Avenue at Irving Park Road.

3917 N. Harlem Ave. to be exact. This is easily one of Chicago's best beefs. It is slightly spicy, but not too spicy, easy for people who don't like, or don't do, spicy. And it's got the right amount of grease to be tasty. This place has no connection at all with the one downtown, and there is no comparison anyway. The one on Harlem is the spot, homey!!!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2010:

This summer broiled ass--sucked my balls!

Ten-o-Nine last night? Season called...

At last, change is here--

in all of my years

I've not been so glad that it's fall!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2010:

Breaking news... This just in... The date for National Salisbury Steak Day 2010 has been set... Mark your calendars for October 13... Don't bother asking why... The Supreme Salisbury Council has its own secret system... More breaking Salisbury steak news as it becomes available...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2010:

Need study so plague won't grow worse

exploring the Writer's Block curse!

Guess we'll need much money

but, while it seems funny--

a small study's here in this verse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2010:

According to experts, the Great Recession is not only over--but it ended months ago.

The most important thing, now, is the lessons we can learn from this.

For instance, we take a look around at our own lives, and those of our close friends and family members, and the most important lesson to be learned is... We need a better freakin' definition of "recession," there, "experts."

What, are you all living on Rich Island or something? For shit's sake--hell, we probably need a new method of defining "depression," while we're at.

Pass the cat food and crackers, someone...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/24/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Why?...

...Do I bother?

Again, tryin' to get some witty Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to take on this section. Scrot-bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2010:

Chicks pranking went mooning upon

the farm of raunchy Farmer John

on full Harvest Moon.

John glimpsed from-rear poon--

and harvested moon of the blonde!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2010:

A headline mis-read led to this frightening "revelation" regarding a certain Chicago neighborhood (where the Daily Limerick, um, Towers are located)--

"Tenor Plotter Eyed Wrigleyville: Feds"

Actually, the first word was "terror" but... Tenor, terror; potato, po-tah-to...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of Fall 2010!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2010:

The "experts," with thought and precision,

find Recession's over--word dishin!

So what have we learned?

From what I discern...

"Recession" needs new definition!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2010:

Okay, um...er... "Dancing with the 'Stars.'"

Lame. Beyond lame, of course. But we came to a realization recently regarding fans of the show and heretofore unexplored levels of Lame-ity.

Many refer to it simply as, "DWTS." Common abbreviation technique, of course. Makes sense as a shortcut for those who write about it a lot.

But some of the show's fan Lamesters actually SAY that "shortcut."

Which adds a syllable to the name.

Kinda defeating the purpose.

Then again, taking all these facts together, it makes perfect sense--in it's own frightening, frightening way...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/26/2010:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming Next Week...

...Another serialized, multi-chapter tale...only in Sunday Story Time! Only in Daily Limerick!... Ain't ya' just giddy with excitement?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/26/2010:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Well, how the hell should I know? What am I? His keeper? In any event, I'm sure Accursed Verse will return next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2010:

"Dancing With the 'Stars'"? (Sigh.) Unkillable!

Fans thirst-cup for lame? It's unfillable!

Dumb, too--'bbreviate with sass,

"D-W-T-S"--

which, actu'lly, ADDS a syllable!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2010:

Katy Perry.

She was featured on the season premier of "SNL" (long story as to why I bother--Chief Limericist checking-in, here) and... While there's no shortage of celebrities (and "celebrities") about whom this question can be asked, well... Why?

Someone like, say, Lady Gaga, as annoying as she is... Well, I saw HER on an "SNL" and her tunes became stuck in my head, against my will.

Katy Perry's music? It's annoying WITHOUT being pop-catchy. Couldn't hum a bar for you if you offered a taco for the task.

Which brings is back to, "Why?"

And she's not even that hot! Hell, I wouldn't even call her plain hot. Perhaps hot-ish. Of course, I wouldn't kick her... Actually, come to think of it, I MIGHT kick her out of my bed for eating the proverbial crackers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2010:

"Help wanted ads" brings consternation.

For each, seekers rival small nations!

List not just "requireds"--

"preferreds," too, for hires!

Drop bullshit--now all "qual'fications"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2010:

Actually read an online job ad for a "'free' internship."

But never you worry. The "experts" are sure the Recession is over!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2010:

SNL, Kate Perry--took lookie.

Though hot enough to think of nookie...

Tunes? Not caught in head!

Might kick her from bed

for eating proverbial cookies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2010:

Associated Press headline--

"Segway Owner Dies in Fall Off Cliff"

That's a crappily written headline. We'll give the headline desk the benefit of the doubt, though, considering that layoffs and the slow death of industry leaves, what, three actual editors for every big-city newspaper and bureau now?

Anyway, the victim was just a Segway owner--but the owner of the Segway company. (Unfortunately, not the King Moron inventor.) Oh, and also, it wasn't a mere fall from a cliff--but a fall from a Segway and off a cliff.

While we realize that it's borderline, taste-wise, in joking about this... Well, so the Human Race has lost someone who, for whatever reason, sees a Segway as a reasonable locomotion choice and... Let's just say, "Darwin," and leave it at that...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/29/2010:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte is...

...Taking the day off.

But does he really ever have a day off, considering he's undoubtedly eating, too?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2010:

Guy who owned Segway's now a stiff--

he drove one of 'em off a cliff!

Though tragic, must say...

Guy using Segway?

Let's leave it at this--Darwin Riff!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2010:

So there's a new movie out, "The Social Network," about the creators of Facebook, glorifying Satan's Little Helpers as if they're the freakin' Beatles.

Considering the huge gainfully employed demographic for this flick (lucky bastards), I'm thinking the marketers outta release this one purely as a matinee.

Viewers can just catch up on their work-hours tasks another time. You know, like...playing that freakin' farm game?...

 

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