Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2011 

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2011:

Oxford Dictionary plods, preening,

as "The Source," "real" English word deeming--

approves "LOL"

(annoying as hell)--

now that overuse killed all meaning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2011:

Ooh, have we got a scintillating, witty news nugget for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers today... April Fool's!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/1/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Speaking of Pilgrims...

...You know, April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?... Ahem... Anyway... Seeking a pilgrim to take on this section... Belt buckle optional...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2011:

A proofreader found her heart stolen

by an anal fiend, name of Bolland.

He rammed her hot bung

but was so well hung

she was left with mere semi-colon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2011:

Chief Limericist checking in with a springtime attitude, here.

Yes, it's that time of the year! Weather's warming, skin is showing and you find yourself hopping in a cab and proclaiming, "Follow that ass!"

I mean, who HASN'T done that?

Er, right?

Uh... Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2011:

It's spring--and the chicks dress with sass!

Time when you spot fast-walkin' lass

and spring for the tab

of calling a cab--

hop in and shout, "Follow that ass!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2011:

Having something to say is, apparently, overrated.

But saying nothing by saying something is all the rage.

Can you tell we've been allotting more time to our anti-social networking sites lately?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/3/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Thirteen--Delightful Sounds Fill the Air

It's fitting that we've reached Chapter Thirteen because the "delightful sounds" coming from Cleveland's room were in actuality quite frightening.

Gay porn.

Really, there's no mistaking it. Even if he WERE straight and I'd allow some benefit of the doubt that it could be, say, pro "wrestling" or straight porn with loud guys... It went on long enough that it was quite obviously man-on-man action.

And it did go on...more than long enough. I imagined that perhaps he was having erectile trouble, or trouble, er, finishing things off or... I don't know. Once you're past the age of 12, you don't just sit and watch porn like it's a regular movie. You tend to watch in short stints. For various reasons.

I know the whole porn thing. Gay, straight, midgets, whatever. Guys will be guys. Volume settings can be tricky, you're never sure when a roommate's home, mistakes happen but... I'm not talking about passing his door and hearing strains of something. I'm talking about crank up the volume, shake the walls "oohs," "ahhs," grunts and...(shiver) more.

That's the thing I don't get. Porn? No problem. Blaring porn? Disturbing on so many levels. Firstly, perhaps due to the nature of porn, I keep the volume low, sometimes off, even when I'm completely alone. It's just an activity that calls for discreetness. And really, the music is awful, the groans and talk are usually totally phony... Don't get it. Don't get it a bit. Okay, I'll allow a little volume for, say, some slurpage or something, perhaps, but... Let's not go there.

Don't get it.

It would be less disturbing if it occurred, say, at 2 a.m. Figuring I was asleep. Or if I had a regular work shift, rather than marginally employed freelance, and I returned early one day or... Ewww.

And not only did my friend tending my cats while I was away hear it, but so did M'Lady when she handled cat duties. Cleveland was aware of both of their stints watching the place, so... You'd think he'd at LEAST think, "Maybe I should be careful with the volume, as John's girlfriend/fiance, a CHICK, could be over at any time"... But no.

I never brought it up to him. A minor-ish annoyance, really. Not to mention embarrassing to bring up. And I thought it was a fluke for the first time. For the first half-dozen times... Yuck.

Now, allowing him the excuse of drunkenness--not realizing how loud his TV was... No dice. That'd only prove an alibi for a few instances at most.

So it seems Cleveland was into... Yeesh. Enough of this. Just writing this, I feel like I have to go shower.

Er, get hosed down.

Um... Anyway, let's leave this topic behind...

Coming Next Week--The Sober Benders...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/3/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Short, timely messages delivered to your inbox

 

I prefer that

every moment of my life

is cataloged and packaged

for optimal data mining.

 

What application can I download

to link my persona

to this simulacra? (Is it

a free download?)

 

Join in! Shout out

your elusive,

ephemeral feelings

 

in a crowded stadium

of whispers.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2011:

We now live in an age and day wit'

tech ease to sound-off--and display it!

Yet 'spite all the huffing,

to say? Most have nothing--

and yet they still can't help but say it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2011:

Heard about a family member getting a CT scan and couldn't help but wonder... Couldn't they just LOOK for the Camel Toes?

Ahem.

See, "CT" could stand for... Hmm.

Okay. Truth be told I, Chief Limericist here, had a dream about a juxtaposition of "CT" and "Camel Toe" and... Well, like Samuel Tyler Coleridge, guess I couldn't recall the entirety of the dream--but nonetheless, captured what I could with, er, art.

So much like Coleridge it's silly, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2011:

Ill'nois' smoke ban (secondhand stealth)

curb just for casinos? Lost wealth's

the key, pols admit.

Smokers wallet's hit,

too, for reasons other than health?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2011:

It'd be easier to grasp the "Spring forward, fall back" slogan to remember how that Daylight Screw Us Up Time works if spring weren't also tax season, meaning spring BACK... Considering the Great Recession's effect on the already money-burning politicians, perhaps we should say, "Spring WAY back"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2011:

"Spring/fall" rule helps us to keep track

of twice-year Daylight Savings smack

to face. But the fact is

since spring means due taxes

financially, rule is, "spring BACK"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2011:

So the results of Haiti's presidential election are in and the new president will be... Michel "Sweet Mickey" Martelly, a musician with no political experience.

An entertainer? No experience? Who in the hell do they think they are--the United States?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/6/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Get Sloppy!

Most people love a good sloppy joe, and so do I. The Brown Sack on Central Park (Chciago) just south of Fullerton in Logan Square is the spot for that sloppy joe.

Plus malts, shakes, oatmeal shakes, slow roasted pork--the freakin' list goes on and on. Check it out if yer in the hood ever.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2011:

"Sweet Mickey"--musician, no less--

for Haitian pres., beat out the rest!

To pol'tics--brand new!

Hey Haiti! Just who

do you think you are--the U.S.?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2011:

The U.S. government is facing a possible shutdown over budget battles--and High Noon is this coming Friday.

Don't worry too much about it, though. It's all part of the retro party for the upcoming presidential bid of Newt Gingrich...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2011:

Gov. shutdown o'er Fed budget loot?

Nostalgia campaign! Aww... So cute!

Walk down Mem'ry Lane...

The Chief feels our pain--

pres. bid campaign kickoff for Newt!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2011:

The State of Illinois House has approved a new "murder registry."

Kinda like those sex offender registries. Rather than doing something silly like increasing inmates sentences, they let 'em go, fuzzying-up the idea of "rehabilitation" and "doing one's time."

Then again, of course, the point of prisons is to protect us, not from murderers and child molesters, but from those truly posing a danger to society--people smoking pot, munching chips and listening to tunes...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/8/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: "Entertain Yourself"...

...Is on vacation.

Has been for months.

Freakin' sphincter toads...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2011:

The bookish, yet horny, young Stella

used objects for sex, 'stead of fellas.

One stretched hips to swell

car-sized--hurt like hell!--

when grinding, she popped the umbrella!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2011:

Okay. We understand that the oft sleazy world of advertising and marketing is a necessary side effect of a free society.

Thus we understand the likes of, say, certain Web sites occasionally redirecting you to other ones (advertisers, partners) when you click around their wares.

But... Well, would anybody really buy auto insurance amid porn-viewing, er, festivities?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2011:

New--registries for murd'rer goons!

Like pedophiles--let out too soon!

Need use space in prisons

for most feared--decision?

Those smoking pot and jamming tunes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2011:

We've heard the arguments of the "experts," who couldn't predict a coming recession or bubble burst from a soup line, that the Great Recession is over.

Yet in following the day-to-day lives of ourselves and friends living in cardboard boxes...well, doubted the news.

Then comes this Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Recession Over, Americans Back to Bad Spending Habits"

Ladies and gentlemen, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, the Great Recession is officially over!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/10/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Fourteen--The Sober Benders

When one goes on a "bender," or "binge"--and we're not talking about the candy-assed "expert" definition of "binge," five drinks or more in one stint... Well, it's assumed that the situation is not the normal state. Someone has a few drinks, perhaps gets tipsy, say, at night, or maybe stays completely sober--and then erupts, for a couple days, week, whatever... Then returns to the more moderated drinking and/or utter sobriety.

That's a bender/binge.

For Cleveland, since his normal state was shit-faced, it makes more sense to say that he occasionally went on sober benders during his stay.

Now, his state of mind/blood alcohol level at any given time is, of course, speculation. Educated speculation, sure. Given what I know about drunken living and people in general, coupled with overall life experience, I believe I have most of this right, however. Then again, I suppose the speculation disclaimer goes with the whole of this serialized tale, given the general secrecy with which he conducted himself.

When Cleveland's blood sobriety level rose, he'd get active. Talk on the phone, catch up on a month's worth of laundry, open two-three month's of mail. He'd fill up the paper bags I have to carry down to the recycling dumpster in moments, screw-up my twice-weekly laundry schedule by keepin' the machines running for entire days.

In general, it was like his life was continually on drunken "pause" and he'd "fast forward" for the sober benders.

Thus, Cleveland's sober frenzies threw me off. In general, sure, I'd have preferred him to be talkative, active, up and about, but like most human beings, even more than average, I'm a creature of routines. I was integrated to a lush dwelling in the other room, rarely in my way... If he'd actually have sobered-up, long-term, or even semi-longish term, that would certainly have been the best of all options. But he didn't.

Honestly? For all of these reasons, I preferred him drunk.

So when he went on the sober benders, I found myself wishing he'd just go back to a drunken haze.

Luckily for me, I never had to wait long...

Coming Next Week--The Summons...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/10/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Rage bible

 

I'm blasting my rage bible

as I race down 125.

That bitch was everywhere today.

 

First I ended up right

behind her at the light.

Though I had driven from

the other side of town.

 

She didn't recognize me.

I think she was fretting

about court.

 

She pulled into the

gas station she always uses.

I stopped by the pharmacy

next door.

 

Before I could get out of my car,

she pulled in right next to me,

seriously, man, right

fucking next to me, left side.

 

How she didn't see me,

I don't know.

She rose heavily out of her car,

plodded away, was swallowed

by the double-doors.

 

So I left. Fuck if I was going

to let that bitch get the best

of me again.

 

I drove to the shopping plaza

across from the pharmacy.

The same plaza

where she always stops for lunch.

 

If she came in for lunch today,

I decided I was going to hit her car.

Just come straight at her,

scorching speed, no second thoughts.

 

But when she pulled out onto the street,

I flinched -- would she come this way?

 

No. She drove by without

seeing me once.

 

So now I'm racing down 125

blasting my rage bible.

When I was a kid, this music

was a swamp to get lost in,

all those mired down emotions,

letting them burst.

 

Now it sounds like noise.

And the street paint

is a sick joke.

Since when has it ever shown me

the proper way?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2011:

Since for lost "experts" we bend over

when played "Big R's done" four-leaf clover

my cheering did lack.

Read bad spending's back...

Ladies and Gents--Recession's over!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2011:

U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates talked about how integrating out-of-closet gays into the military was no biggie, explaining that the "thrust of training" would remain the same... He hee.

"Thrust"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2011:

Though now it's a common occurrence--

sites redirect you, while Web tourin'--

I don't see dudes stopping

their porn site-fueled bopping--

to halt and buy damned car insurance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Trump Not Convinced Obama Was Born in U.S."

You know, we just need a Right-Wing, splinter group whackjob from the "World is Flat" movement jumping into the next presidential election and the de-evolotion will be complete...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2011:

Trump pres. talk stokes GOP mirth--

Loafhead doubts Barack's U.S. birth!

Tea Bagger delusions

near full de-ev'lution--

they just need a bid from Flat Earth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2011:

In the WNBA, a player was drafted by the name of Brittany Spears.

Yeah, yeah. Spelled differently. We were gonna give you a link but... We're afraid to stumble across a picture.

Afraid that parents actually... (Shiver.)

So we'll just leave it at that, before you start wondering just how in the hell we happened to read that to begin with...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/13/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Gearin' Up for BBQ Season

A great place for ribs is waiting for you on the sizzity South-Seeide (of Chicago)! Lem's B-B-Q for ribs, 311 E. 75th. St. (http://monteism.blogspot.com/2011/04/lems-some-of-chicagos-finest-b-b-q.html), has some of the best ribs not only in Chicago, but they're some of the best I have had anywhere in a while.

These are thick, meaty ribs that do not fall off the bone. I do usually prefer fall-off-the-bone, but I love a nice meaty rib you have to chew into, too. And you have to chew into these.

Lem's uses a vinegar sauce, which will make you sweat! They're served prison style, which means in a basket atop a pile of fries, and topped off with two pieces of white bread.

The hood is kinda shady, so go during the day, or with a police escort if yer gonna go at night. For real. The spot itself is behind bulletproof glass, and serves the food through a protected bulletproof slot. They also have awesome wings, links, tips and more. Weeelll... not much more.

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2011:

World's stoked--even here! U.S.A.!

Excess of Kate-Will's wedding day!

Hype leaves me...nonplussed.

I'm floored at the fuss

o'er top welfare clan of U.K.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2011:

Okay, we've figured it out.

This budget showdown, government shutdown business... Some sorta commemoration of this week's making the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2011:

Hate spews from congressional floors--

hear partisan budget fight roar!

Is bitter hostility

fest to mark 150

years since start of Civil War?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2011:

We've learned, last-minute, that today is supposed to be... Record Store Day.

Some sorta wake?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/15/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Is There Anybody...

...Out there! (Whose man or woman enough to take on this section?)... Taint suckers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2011:

For playoffs, those ice girls doll-up!

Such limber and nubile young pups!

To stoke-up the crowd

all frenzied and loud

I say--show those Stanley C-Cups!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2011:

Now, this Chicago Sun-Times headline just sounds dirty--

"Pokey Elated to Snag Vandersloot"

He hee.

It's a sports headline. And it concerns the WNBA--troubling that we've mentioned the Godforsaken league twice this week.

But if you check out a pic of her... Well, you'll find you'd be elated to pokey that Vanderslut...

Happy Extra Cheezy...Vanderday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2011:

These days, anybody can make

a "holiday." Friday, no fake

was...Record Store Day?

I'm sorry to say

I must ask... Well, was it a wake?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2011:

The Chicago Housing Authority, once infamous for low-cost "projects" but now dabbling in "mixed-use housing," is working with the nonprofit Urban Farming to launch community gardens in CHA territory.

According to Urban Farming's founder, "People are welcome to come and take the food whenever they want."

Hmmm.

Total poverty. Free food. Honor system... Are we cynics in asking, "What could possibly go wrong?"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/17/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Fifteen--The Summons

Since Cleveland's complete and utter lack of visitors might've led one to speculate that he was on the lam or something, when the door buzzer sounded and the caller's answer was, "Cleveland Rushmore?"... It was a "hmmm" moment.

Details at this point are a bit fuzzy... I THINK it was an instance when I had no idea if he was home or not (or alive or dead)... I do distinctly recall him saying, "If it's for me, I'm not here" for a buzzer incident, but I believe that followed this one... In any event, the caller seemed...official-looking, we'll say.

I don't recall if he had a suit or tie on, but he did deliver court papers. A summons about debts. From one of the allegedly "Too Big to Fail" banks. Over credit card(s) or some such.

I taped it to Cleveland's door. Where it hung, unopened, as so much correspondence did. (I'd often print a copy of e-mails to Lushy, in addition to sending them electronically, not knowing whether he was functional enough at any given point to, you know, type.) I remember telling myself to try NOT recalling the date he was to appear in court, which I did successfully, so I'm not sure if he made the appearance.

In any event, he wasn't arrested. So he either made the appearance or it was one of those dillies where if you don't show, judgment is entered against you.

It didn't surprise me that he was having financial troubles. I'd overheard conversations with him asking his dad, I believe, for money, although there was some sorta trust fund thingie going on and a worker's comp thing, too, I think. It was complicated and, again, all too secretive for me to know for sure.

My speculation pegged Cleveland as someone spending beyond his means, as his previous career was fairly high profile and I'd figure, with some saving and/or investing, he should've been financially okay, at least for a while, upon leaving that field but... Well, he did return with many shopping bags from places like Nordstrom's when he was an unemployed cooking student. And M'Lady once overheard him complaining about his dad's questioning a $100 haircut.

It was situations like these that made me ambiguous in my feelings about Cleveland. He was a fellow human being. Artistic, seemingly intelligent and personable on the rare instances we really interacted--and I'd been through the drinking hell myself.

But... Well, addiction itself is tricky. You feel sorry for those in its grasp at the same time you realize that it's also their own doing. And so it was with Cleveland's general life situation. I'd sympathize with him, then dislike the guy, often within moments in my thoughts.

Herein lies the explanation for the previously described Lushy Toons--and my reasons for writing this serialized tale to begin with. If I'd deal with the situation in seriousness... C'mon. Although I barely even spoke with the guy, and he paid his rent and stuff (mostly), there was still another human being, a seemingly talented, likable one, living in the other room, completely pissing his life away.

It cast a depressing, pathetic pall over life in general. So the best way to deal with it was to enlist humor. See him as a cartoon character, of sorts. Even when... Well, even when his self-destruction turned him nearly undead...

Coming Next Week--FrankenLush...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/17/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Apparently still working it out with a pencil.

His taxes.

Or is that "working it out with an iPad" now?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2011:

The headline confused, but a beauty--

"Pokey Stoked to Snag Vandersloot"! See?

(Dub-you N-B-A,

to translate.) Must say--

I'd be, too--quite fine Vander-booty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2011:

We're still thinkin' on this budget showdown/government shutdown thing... Hmm... With so many needed programs, where oh where can we possibly cut spending?... Three hopes wars in lands with folks who hate us to begin with, spending zillions... Hmmm... Can't imagine what can be cut...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2011:

O'er Budget Wars, Congress, heads butt!

E'en Dems agree, must cut--but what?

Funds shrink while needs soar!

Most spent? Three Big Wars...

Just can't figure what could be cut!...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2011:

Yes, spring is in the air! Temperatures at least flirting with warmth... Birds are singing... Flowers poking their way through the soil... The ladies are breaking out the pretty skirts... Outdoor dining areas emerging... Sinuses acting up, feeling like you've been freakin' punched in the eye...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2011:

Sprouts rise; birds return with winged grace!

Spring signs are all over the place!

Strapped sandals, short skirts!

Greet morn full alert...

from sinus-punch straight to the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2011:

Thanks to some desperado's (or is that "desperada's"?) lawsuit, Match.com will begin screening its user base for sexual predators.

Now, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that... Well, let's just say that Daily Limerick does not agree with society's apparent "acceptance" of online dating as a non-loser courtship option.

However, we'll distance ourselves from some commentary of a crude nature by stating that such dating sites are NOT, in and of themselves, sex offender registries.

Of course, they're fine registries of likely sex offenders TO BE...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/20/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Work It IN With a Pencil

Taxes are done and, just in case you had to pay through yer nose, you need to eat inexpensively. I have just the spot for you, in Chicago--Nhu Lan for Vietnamese sandwiches.

This place is super duper inexpensive and delicious. They make Vietnamese sandwiches that are under $4--and they are pretty big. Roughly 6/7 inches long and 4/5 inches wide. These are hearty. Check out the link to see how they roll!

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2011:

Online dating sites urged to key

users 'gainst sex con registries

due to recent crimes.

But cli'nt lists make fine

reg'stries of sex crim'nals to be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2011:

In learning this week which reporters from our local newspapers earned coveted Pulitzer Prizes in Journalism, we have to ask whether a physical prize--trophy, plaque, medal or some such--comes with the award.

Sure, the prizes bring great respect and all. But we're hoping journalists today also gain something to sell so they can at least, you know, have a nice dinner in the ol' cardboard box or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2011:

A Pulitzer means journ'list rocks!

But does it bring trophy--like jocks'?

Though honor's a swell bit

print scribes might just sell it--

for decent meal in cardboard box!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2011:

We'd like to wish you something like... Oh, a "great" day, or perhaps a "stellar" one, but apparently etiquette allows us only a "Good" Friday...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/22/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Today's Edition...

...Is brought to you by... Slacking. Have you tried it?

Obviously, you buttock-chompers have.

Try to get a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to write a weekly section. It'd seem simple, wouldn't you think?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2011:

A slut chocoholic named Gail--

by the Easter Bunny was nailed

to up Easter share!

Was left sticky-haired

post words, "Here comes Pete Cottontail!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2011:

Once again, read a reference to the ongoing troubles of the logistical/cultural disaster known as "Spider-Man" musical referring to the work as "highly anticipated."

This time, we can't let it go. We just have to ask...by whom?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2011:

So what are YOU planning for Easter?

Me? Munch choc'late, eggs, sit on my keyster...

Watch Stanley Cup game,

scarf ham without shame...

So why don't they just call it, "Feaster"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

And to those who don't celebrate... Well, the best we can do is wish you a "Good" Sunday...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/24/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room...

...Can't do it.

Not an edition, this week, for Easter and all.

Not so much out of respect for our, er, "hero," but... Who wants a downer when the colored eggs await?...

Coming Next Week (Really!)--FrankenLush...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/24/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The oldest game

 

I hear the intellectuals

in the dim, brilliant room

clap with hungry abandon

at the sound the self-crowned poet

makes with silence.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2011:

Broadway "Spider-Man" morphed into

inj'ry and tech mess-up snafu!

First goof? Was created!

"Highly antic'pated"?

I keep reading, but ask...by who?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2011:

U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has made Time magazine's list of the 100 Most Influential People!

Others listed in the oh-so anticipated, highly important list include... Er, others include... ZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2011:

Time's List--Top 100--is here!

World's Most Influential made clear!

Names plast'ring the news

in case you did choose

to live in a cave the last year!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2011:

So we've seen this commercial for... We're not gonna even name the product.

The long elusive Female Viagra. Or one take on it.

Without putting our, um, research team on the matter, we're gonna go out on a limb and proclaim that it doesn't work.

If we're wrong, the world will prove us so.

Because if any Female Viagra truly does work... Well, let's just say the bar scene will never again be the same...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2011:

Nonprof. fights food deserts two-pronged--

teach project folk farming, 'fore long...

All help selves to fruits!

Po' folk, low on loot?...

Oh, what possibly could go wrong!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2011:

Ah, the delights of being...less than affluent.

Ever ask your Lady if, during a train trip, she'd like to join the Sea Level Club?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 4/27/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Meal Worth Dodging Hipsters

Good spot for breakfast in Wicker Park--Bongo Room.

It's full of hipsters so be prepared for that, but the breakfast that they serve is incredible! Check out the link--there are pics, too!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2011:

Ad brings "female Viagra" tidings!

Long sought and, at first, sounds inviting...

But if it DOES work

bar scene'd go berserk--

and world's chicks would go into hiding!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2011:

Happy National Poetry Month!

Ahem.

Yes. We know that the month's pretty much finished.

Passed over again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2011:

Used to living as a poor schlub

rode train with M'Lady, felt chub...

And, quite sheepishly,

I asked her if she

would like to join...Sea Level Club?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2011:

Reading over a sports news briefs section recently, we realized that, under a "Colleges" subhead, three out of five nuggets concerned crime stories.

Three cheers for high-er education!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 4/29/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahhh...

...Why the hell do we even bother running this, as if one of you couch-humpin' Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers is ever gonna take on the duties?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2011:

A boneheaded fellow named Miner

craved spring. April weather? Wore blinders!

Wore shorts, Tee--coastline.

Poured up frosty stein--

which was matched with a frosty steiner!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2011:

There are a few events going on reminding us that today is Half-Way to Halloween.

So maybe those WEREN'T Jehovah's Witnesses at the door...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.