Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2011:

'Round Christmas Time, in the whore house,

though boasting more than one titmouse,

when Santa's sleigh's purring

no creature is stirring--

not even a festive crab louse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2011:

A few days ago, we mused on how folks seem to have no problem broadcasting every single thing they do, including, now, with the Great Facebook Screw-Up of 2011, every freakin' ARTICLE they read.

And consequently, how folks are metaphorically bent over--and pre-lubed.

Now we stumbled upon this story on Facebook selling that "private" information--

"Facebook Settles Over Deception Charges"

So... Geez. You're already bent over and lubed so... Guess you're now talkin' dirty, too, in a way that's just as Corporate America likes it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2011:

Kim wildly missed the "Good Girl" grade;

from scoring Claus gifts, was forbade.

Yet Kim worked a waiver;

Yule gifts, still did savor...

Let's just say that Santa got "sleigh'd"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2011:

So $700 in Christmas gifts for poor children was stolen from a Chicago-area church.

Who do these thieves think they are? Bank of America execs?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/2/2011:

Hec Moreno checks in with this, regarding yesterday's Christmas-themed Limerick (as we're doing through the Big Day)--

> Titicaca mouse.

We're sure that's just the start of the scintillating content that regularly accompanies our Christmas Limericks.

Titicaca mouse?... Hmm. "Titicaca" embodies what's known as a "mixed bag"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2011:

A special gift plan of Kris Kringle

is meant just for good girls who're single--

that jolly Yule satyr

leaves each a vibrator

so they can grind out a Kris Tingle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2011:

Bought some Christmas lights this week.

The brand I picked-up had not only the typical twisty-tie things keeping them organized, but they were assembled in two bunches with some cord of the lights themselves wrapped around and... Good Elvis, I was trying to just grab 'em from the box and attach them to another light string quickly, back from the store and itching to get to some computer work, completing my rushed living room decoration but... Good monkey.

Who the hell ties those things together? Boy Scout gone horribly, terribly wrong?...

Happy Festively Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2011:

Since Santa is...well, a bit weird

a cover-up, Right Wingers fear...

Elf roomies? Red suit--

flamboyantly cute?...

Could Mrs. Claus be the REAL beard?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2011:

The more we learn about Black Friday... Well, consider this.

The consumerist "holiday" is not only for things like TVs and sweaters and typical shopoholic fare...it's also now, apparently, a huge haul for gun sellers.

So... Shoppers for this event are already noted for pushing, shoving and even worse hostilities in a competition to seize the bargains.

Add guns to the mix and... What could possibly go wrong?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/4/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Little Poetry Section That Could

It is with great regret that we must announce that Mike Chmielecki, who penned Sunday's Mike's Accursed Verse section since 2000 for Daily Limerick, is retiring from this endeavor. In short, the demands of a new marriage and the rest of that pesky thing called "life" render him unable to continue in a weekly capacity.

Our first thought was to publish some form of tribute, be it a sappy essay or "best of" roundup or...something. To show our deep appreciation and all that jazz. But while we're naturally saddened by this turn of events (Fred the Intern still hasn't stopped bawling...and, again, we're not sure why he's STILL interning here), we also vicariously share in the joy of Mike's newfound happiness amid the busy stuff--and a tribute will always be in place with Mike's poems forever featured in our Archives.

So if you've never sent Mike a missive to comment on his work--the reason he puts his e-address at the end of Accursed Verse each week--now's a fine time. We've included the skeleton of his section below for today's edition.

And there's also a possibility he'll fire one off now and then, just without the weekly constraint.

We'll always have Woodland Hills...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/4/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...See Sunday Story Time, above...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2011:

A dim-witted elf, name of Hopper,

was roughed-up by couple'a elf coppers.

Dumb, honest mistake--

used wrong type, fruitcake,

for make-shift, as he'd heard, door-stopper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2011:

As we officially hit the Big Holiday season, we just want to remind you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to try and not overindulge amid all the festivities.

Keep that in mind especially...today, for Martin van Buren's birthday and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2011:

A multi-pierced elf didn't stall;

Thanksgiving Day, heeded Yule's call--

hooked pierce of his scrotum,

bells silver, to tote 'em...

Thus he could sport Yule Jingle Balls!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2011:

I have lighting issues in my living room.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

There's a chandelier built into the ceiling, but it's too bright, plus it's composed of a dozen or so mini-bulbs, which are expensive, and difficult, to replace. So I utilize lamps. Which works okay.

But... My hanging-out/reading lighting needs are at odds with my relaxation lighting needs. So it's hard to read, partly because the lamp near where I sit has a long shade, which eclipses some of the light, and partly because I have lower wattage bulbs in it... I know.

Yeah, it's probably easily fixable, getting a different lamp or something, experimenting with different wattages... Let's just say decorating issues aren't my highest priority and I have another agenda here, despite the scintillating nature of these lighting details.

Moving some stuff around in storage the other day, I found that one of my stored lamps had a bulb in it. Why leave that? So I brought it upstairs and it was a 100-watter.

My, did that make it easy to read!

Then I knocked the lamp over. Killed the bulb.

So I had 100-watt lighting...for a day.

Seems there's some sort of metaphor or something in there, but I'm at a loss... Send in your own Morals to the Story, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

The winning entry will get... Well, let's see if we get ANY entries from you lackadaisical bastards first...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/6/2011:

Mike, of our long-running (now former and/or sporadic) Mike's Accursed Verse poetry column checks-in--

> Thank you for the tribute, John. And Fred, it will be okay.

> I wanted to end this on a sweet, pithy note, but I've been

> under the weather for the last three days, so all you can

> out get out of me right now is a Bleeeeeh.

Well, "Bleeeeeh" is more than enough, Mike.

We, too, meant to be more pithy in our tribute-esque kinda thing but... For starters, we know DL has focused on Los Angeles Daily News stories (where Mike and the I, the Chief Limericist, met) in the past and, frankly, it's a pain to go back and search for what we have and haven't already said.

Secondly, I, too, am sorta under the weather, with weather now that's easy to get under and... Enough of this shameless tribute-ery!

Thanks again for the years of pith!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2011:

Some elves... Santa's half-mind for booting,

with ghetto talk and hostile hooting.

Gives bene of doubt,

though did toss two out--

for tryin' elf-on-elf sleigh-by shooting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2011:

Yeah, today's content is supposed to be food-related but... Anyway.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Now, I can't give away too many details for this mini-tale here, because it's part of a larger tale meant for Sunday Story Time so... Well, what can you do.

I've been lusting for my upstairs neighbor for some time. Itching for a chance to run into her, make some convo, what-have-you.

My cat got loose, ended up in her place. In fact, pissed on her bed.

Feeling guilty about that, I brought her all sorts of pet odor cleaners to help her clean up that mess.

Thus, we exchanged fluids.

He hee.

Actually, since she didn't pass me any fluids, I guess we didn't properly EXCHANGE fluids, but... Hey, it's the Season!

Better to give than receive, as they say. Not to mention that, being male, it makes sense... You know, I think it's best to end this tale right here. Leave it at "better to give than receive"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2011:

Yule time, neighbors met, shot by cupid,

each thought, "Would gift-giving be stupid?

New, but strong, can't hide it!"

Discussed and decided--

instead of gifts, they'd exchange fluids!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2011:

Read in the news that Tiger Woods recently won a pro golf tournament.

Remember when that was hardly newsworthy?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2011:

New lover of Vito's confessed fuss

o'er Christmas tradition--a blessed must!

So he cracked some lube-y

and mounted her boobies--

to slap her some holiday chest-nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2011:

A new study finds that very few teens, around 1 percent, are really "sexting."

But, hey. Go ahead and keep freaking out, parents. It's not as if real data or stats affects that action anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2011:

It's Christmas Time--tidings, I bring!

To show spirit, carols could sing...

I'll find chick named Carol;

hot piece off, I'll tear 'til

SHE sings--my style of "Carol-ing"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2011:

We've traditionally referred to doctors and such as members of the "helping profession."

Isn't it about time we changed it to the "billing profession"?...

Jolly Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2011:

One late night off in Santa's Workshop

she-elf asked he-elf 'bout his quirk. Stopped

work, said he dug handjobs

so she grabbed his man-knob

and turned joint into "Santa's Jerk Shop"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2011:

Continuing our weekend of doctor gags... Okay, so when you're in a public place and somebody, say, has a heart attack, one is to traditionally yell, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

So what do any doctors present yell?

"Is there a collections agent in the house?"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/11/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Loving My Age

I love my age.

Which happens to be 43.

But I'll also love my age when I'm 44. And 45. And 60. As I have when I was 12, 32... You get the idea.

Just so you DO get the idea. Any Slapper Yapper Grasshopper should be able to tell you that regarding my "age" as it connotes "era"... Perhaps "love/hate," at best.

I'm not sure when this started. I do know it was goin' when I was 7. I reveled in the idea that "this is gonna be a GREAT year," noting things like 7's status as a lucky number, 7 Heavens, stuff like that. When it came time to pick a number, for some in-class game or what-have-you, I'd pick 7. I'd even do things like, say, count out 7 M&Ms for a handful and such.

My own personal form of numerology, I guess you could say.

When I turned 8, I had to reconfigure things, of course. Was into ice skating out figure-8s and such, playing the card game Crazy 8s. Etc. Etc.

Now before you go labeling me a nutrod, if you've paid attention to e-mail addresses, you'll know that many, many people incorporate their age, which can get silly considering that people tend to keep e-mail addresses for years. Not that I'd know anything about being silly.

Now, as you go up in age, number symbolism becomes increasingly difficult. There's a lot more lore to, say, 9 than there is to, oh, 29. But I still maintain some form of Age Love. It's mostly manifest in sports these days.

See, I use personalized memory tags to remember athletes' numbers. Say one dude's a great hockey player and his number's 41. It's close enough so... Well, that's an easy one.

As you age, or as I age, or, really, as males age, maybe women, too, in some cases... You look at the age of women, compared to your own, differently. So when looking for a memory tag for, as an example, the Chicago Blackhawks' Brian Bickell, I figured, "29...29-year-old chick... Boy, I'd like to Bickell her!"

You see, "Bickell" rhymes with "tickle," which can be interpreted in a dirty way, as can most anything and... Yeah.

I can't say I'm completely immune to the negative feelings arising with aging, which seems to plague most people as early as the mid-20s. But I think I do a good job of dealing.

Looking ahead to 44, coming in another six months or so... For one, it was my number in high school football.

Hey, it helps. Plus, growing older certainly beats the alternative...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2011:

'Round Christmas, by more than mere happenstance,

Santa keeps a special gift wrapped--in pants!

Telling Christmas wishes

barely legal dishes

might find themselves victim of lap-enstance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2011:

Headline--

"Nagging Smokers Can Help Them Quit, Study Finds"

Oh, great. Thanks, studiers of things.

Wasn't aware that the ex-M'Lady was now among you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2011:

As Papa prepared fam'ly Yule Log

his wife slugged down her nagging fuel--nog.

He tried to stay jolly

but her verbal vollies...

He shoved... Er, Yule Log became "Stool Log"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2011:

Watch Da Bears lose an awful football game to the Denver Broncos and that Tim Tebow cat.

Question... Why don't folks use the term "Jesus freak" anymore?

Oh, that's right. Sometime in the '90s, liberalism became afraid of saying anything too bold or different, began telling people how to live their lives in a different way than the conservatives, declared a War on Fun and generally left us without a political home...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2011:

As crippled runt, most pity him,

yet his Christmas Spirit won't dim!

Counts blessings; stays proud;

in truth, gifts endowed...

just know he's Far From Tiny Tim!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2011:

We're getting close! Less than 10 days 'til...we should start shopping for Christmas...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2011:

The carols wish me, you, her, him

and our "kin" good tidings undimmed!

For Yule's "Love Thy Neighbor"--

just met one, real babe, her!--

I've got "tidings" for all my KIM!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2011:

The Seattle school system is rethinking a 2004 ban on "junk food" in vending machines because... Well, sales have tanked since they've featured "healthy food."

Okay. We're not all Tea Bagger on this issue. Nothing wrong with tweaking kids to be a little more fit.

And such a thing works with, say, school lunches. Kids gotta eat lunch, right?

But vending machines are all about impulse buys. Something like, say, a chocolate bar fits the impulse model. A granola bar?

In short, vending machines aren't known for value. Thus school systems are already fine with raking in cash by ripping off children and their families.

So, really, folks. Admit that the whole "healthy" angle is more to assuage your own guilt--and bring back the Ho-Hos...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2011:

The Shopping Day Count's the pop word!

So many days left?... Seems absurd!

My own schedule's steady!

A countdown? Already?

Mine starts ticking on twenty-third!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2011:

Regarding pipes... Plumbing-wise, the vast majority of people have experienced leaks and the like needing fixing in their homes. Likely multiple times.

That's for pipes that only run...let's say less than a football field's length. And the larger the home one has, the more pipe necessary, the more potential for problems. Right?

So now there's this discussion of a pipeline carrying, not water, but oil, not across a large house but...from Texas to freakin' Canada?

What could possibly go wrong?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2011:

For Santa's big Christmas Eve rush

must work undisturbed--sneaking's must!

Has magic, so folks sleep through.

Ladies? That residue?...

Just assume mere pixie dust!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2011:

"Cover with water, then spread the seeds..." the ad says.

Great. Now we're turned on over damn Chia Pets...

Holly Jolly Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2011:

As Christmas specials charm the nation

some young boys feel strange new sensation...

Hot TV she-elf?

Find time for themselves

just to indulge...uh, "clay-sturbation"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2011:

So now Ryan Adams cat is on the Official Addict Dick List.

Oh, he's already proven himself to be humorless, losing his temper when people make BRYAN Adams jokes about him.

Now he plays a show in Chicago and, since he's had some drinking-related problems, demands that the entire venue be alcohol-free.

He's got a problem, so the whole world needs to deal with it.

Fucker.

Waahhhh, wahhhh....

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/18/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Er...

Still got shopping to do. And it's about the best time of the year to blow-off certain things, such as, say, a weekly writing obligation?... Extra special edition coming for next week's Christmas Sunday Story Time, though...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2011:

Can I see your List? Please? St. Nicholas?

Brief peek--chicks just cause me such a fickle fuss,

I'd just like to see

what "bad girl" notes be...

Stuff like... Tricia has a taint ticklish?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2011:

Headline--

"Teen Marijuana use Up, But Alcohol Use Down"

See, our ingenius Drug War keeps the "bad" drugs illegal, so that kids can't easily get ahold of 'em and... Er, um...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2011:

Now Santa's a man, so his lap

did lead him one Eve, ass to tap,

"Bad List"-er. The sin

spurred Claus settling in

next day for a long winter's clap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2011:

Whenever I tip, and that's usually the bartender at a show I'm performing in, getting my Coke for free, I find myself sneaking the tip onto the bar.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Not sure why that is. Guess something in the back of my head thinks the tip doesn't "work" if the bartender knows where it came from?...as if it'd be that much of a mystery...but at the same time, of course, I do want it to be known that I left the tip and... Holiday week and in need of content, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2011:

Get festive! Indulge! Green and red, man!

And while I'll enjoy gingerbread man...

Must lend hand to others!

Girl, Ginger? My druthers

would have my hands work Ginger spread, man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2011:

Three consecutive Chicago Sun-Times headlines that by happenstance work as a round of, "One of These Things is Not Like the Others"--

"Michael Buble in Holiday Spirit";

"Justin Bieber Spreads Christmas Cheer"; and

"R&B Great Etta James Near Death"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2011:

We've all heard about Toys for Tots--

brings gifts to poor kids of have-nots.

Now fight of new charity's

income disparity

'mong lesbians--Toys for Twots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2011:

Some new survey by the studiers of things finds that 54 percent of Americans are unsatisfied enough with politics-as-usual to believe we need a third major political party.

And therein lies the problem--ONLY 54 percent?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2011:

Be festive, yet careful, good folks--

fresh mistletoe's pow'r ain't no joke!

One fam'ly I know

pulled-in to 'toe's flow

enacted "Aristocrat's" joke.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2011:

This past weekend, I briefed an e-mail from one of those "progressive" news organization to see plenty of complaints about the "conservatively biased Media."

Then, it being the holidays, I broke bread with some visiting out-of-state cousins of a conservative bent, to hear their complaints about the "liberally biased Media."

So despite the general Media being in...well, let's just say a state of flux to avoid a major digression... It would appear that, at least bias-wise, the Media is right on track...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2011:

A festive young stoner named Joe

smoked-up a bowl of mistletoe.

Cock turned red, green, tingled;

head glowed red, balls jingled...

Woke next to a 'ho, 'ho and 'ho!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2011:

Merry Extra Cheezy Christmas Eve Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2011:

To all--may your Christmas bring nary

a care, outside lights, gifts, kin, berries!

Most holidays, wish is

for "happy" one. Christmas?

The Big One's just gotta be "merry"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2011:

From all of us, to all of you festive Slapper Yappper Grasshoppers, a very Merry (and Extra Cheezy) Christmas!

God bless us, every one! (With the possible exceptions of any Kardashians.)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/25/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Chester Carol

Right off the bat--this is NOT another much unneeded parody of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." Just seemed a good Holiday-themed title, given the particulars of the tale and... Anyway.

Some of this story's particulars have been mentioned in DL, as a way of fully explaining a day's entry, but... Well, who cares? Here's the REST of the story, as a certain famous newsman's signature phrase went.

I have two cats... In short, for you less-than-long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--having grown up with both dogs and cats, I'm not really a proper "dog person" or "cat person" but more of a "pet person," but my first place in the City of Chicago had mice, so... I think that's enough back story for now.

One of my cats is a female, Millie. Her fur's of the tortoise shell variety and she fits the plump and lazy stereotype. She's also sweet and well-behaved. Chester is male, a bit of a runt for a cat, white with spots. Highly playful and active for a cat, he's more likely to get into mischief.

Chester escaped, so to speak, on a Christmastime Saturday this year.

Given the way cats are, I couldn't fully label his status as "escaped" until Sunday. Cats can hide ridiculously well and have their own moods. It's rare, but not unheard of, for Millie to disappear for a day, not even surfacing for her meal(s), hiding somewhere within my place.

So it is only in recreating events after the fact that I can say Chester went out my condo door sometime Saturday. Probably when I was running down to see if the mail had arrived, being careless about shutting my door.

As a pet owner, of course I should be more vigilant about these things. But not only are cats small, quiet and sneaky, but neither of mine have a history of sneaking out. When a pet has a regular thing about trying to sneak-out, you naturally become vigilant as a rule and that wasn't the case here.

But Chester's nine-years-old and he's snuck out... Twice before this? Maybe three times, at most? I recall once seeing him ducking out the door as I was leaving and I caught him immediately. Another time, my girlfriend at the time ran down to retrieve my newspaper early, as it was getting stolen regularly at the time, so she awoke briefly to hit the bathroom and thought she'd do me the favor... Not used to being around pets, she just left the door open, for probably less than 30 seconds...and later that morning a neighbor came around asking, "Is this your cat?"

That time, Chester apparently knew to look for a doorway to get back home, but the doorways in my unit all look alike so... One pet security feature of my building is the fact that there's an entryway section. Thus a pet would have to not only exit my place's door, but then go through TWO more doors, unnoticed, making it ridiculously unlikely that he'd actually end up outside.

Now, if Chester would've snuck out my back door (and it's POSSIBLE that happened with today's tale, him getting outside then coming back inside, but it's ridiculously unlikely, although I'll never know the exact chain of events) it'd be a much bigger ordeal, as the back door leads straight outside and he could easily duck through the gate, under the fences, etc. But I don't regularly enter/exit through the back, usually only going out there once in the morning to dump some garbage into the large can on the deck--and that's before the morning cat feedings, at which I recall his presence on the day in question... Yes, once I started to suspect his escape, I kept wracking my brain as to whether I found occasion to use that back door more than once, but I still don't THINK that door was involved in this one.

At some point Saturday evening, I started thinking, "I haven't seen Chester in a while..." I called his name. Looked into some known cat hiding spots in my place. Started to get tinges of worry, yet the situation wasn't super-abnormal, so just went about my typical grind, relaxing reading/watching TV Saturday night before having to get up ridiculously early Sunday for play rehearsal.

I didn't sleep too well Saturday night, despite discussing the matter with some friends and cohorts who are cat people--each of whom assured me that a cat missing, even for over a day, wasn't odd. He was probably hiding somewhere really well, for some inexplicable cat reason. Blah blah, yadda yadda.

The Sunday rehearsals require me to be up early, especially for a Sunday, so I end up rushing to accomplish the basics, but I obtained a ride that morning (rehearsals are in a border suburb of Chicago, my home), which meant I had an unexpected bit of extra time--half-hour or so. Thus I cracked a can of the most efficient cat attractor in existence, tuna, and walked around the place to make sure it'd reach any hiding cat's nostrils.

No sign of Chester.

So I headed to my rehearsal, which went especially long as the play's set to open the first weekend of 2012. As had become my routine, at least dependent on game starting times, I had recorded the Bears game, avoiding talking about it with anyone to keep the outcome and all secret for later watching. So I kept telling myself I'd listen to my friends' advice, just enjoy the game and my Sunday relaxation... But not before I strolled down the courtyard of my building, "Kitty, kitty, kitty..." I did the same kitty call along the alley outside my back door.

All to no avail.

I wasn't entirely sure WHAT the next logical step should be. If Chester had escaped, it seemed most likely that he'd just have hit our common hallway, getting confused as he did with that old newspaper-retrieval incident, going toward the wrong doorway... Sneaking behind someone into a different condo?

But... What if he HAD someone gotten outside? I felt like such a lousy pet owner... I figured that, if it came to it, I'd start by hand-placing some signs on trees and telephone poles nearby, see how that went...then progress to maybe calling animal shelters and such?

Since likelihood indicated that Chester was within one of the five other units in my wing, my first step was placing a sign on the bulletin board by our shared entryway, mentioning the missing cat, how he could easily sneak-in behind someone and into one's condo, etc. But first I went and knocked at the condo immediately above me because I heard folks stirring within and... Well, I just suspected them. They're renters, not owners, young chicks known for partying, playing loud music, etc. on weekend nights...that kind of thing.

They're not overly loud, overly late, or anything like that. But... Well, this mini-tale should give you an idea of the type of goings-on they indulge... One day, my buzzer buzzed. I answered and it was a "wrong buzz," so to speak, which does happen all the time in these units but... When I answered, I could tell there was a group of drunken dudes at the door. And as I could've guessed, they were coming to party upstairs. I physically went down to let them in, as I couldn't understand them through the intercom, and they invited me to the party/get-together, "dude."

So I could easily see Chester ending up there. People coming and going on a Saturday, door opening and closing regularly, people lit-up and paying less attention than normal... The paranoid side of me surmised even worse--drunken guys who didn't like cats could've tossed Chester outside or...shudder.

So I asked those chicks if they'd seen Chester. They said they'd seen no cat, but would keep an eye out.

Later that night, a knock came at my door. It was the upstairs chicks. She noticed her bed was wet, discovered it looked like urine, saw two eyes shining in the darkness under her bed and... Yup. It was Chester.

So apparently a confused Chester ducked through that doorway, thinking it looked like home, discovered the surroundings unfamiliar, hid and, eventually, had to pee, with one of the chick's mattresses seeming the best alternative, lacking a litter box.

A friend of mine, knowing my general condo situation, is convinced that they actually BROUGHT the cat into their place amid drunken antics but... I don't think so. Not counting it out, but don't think so.

Now, one of these chicks, the one whose bed got nailed, is smoking hot. Far too young for me, and trouble, most certainly, even if she were up for it but... Golly. And prolonged interaction became in order, as I offered to pay to clean the mattress, were it necessary, which turned out to be expensive, so I got some special materials from the pet store for her to try before resorting to that, and we had to go back-and-forth with notes and meeting when our different schedule allowed and... That still hasn't been resolved as of this writing. Anyway.

Now, I plan these Sunday Story Time topics well in advance. Sometimes months in advance. Unlike the S&Y nuggets, which make an attempt at newsworthiness. And when I originally planned this edition, I was thinking the angle would be how my cat's antics led me to meet the hot chick upstairs, which lead to... Ahem. Probably for the better.

I won't go into details, but I kinda, sorta hinted around with the babe. Even more cautious than I normally am, considering the age difference could make me look creepy with any misstep. So let's just say she didn't appear to bite, so I've let my big head take over on the matter.

But there is a Christmasy angle here. Especially since I've lately been dealing with some...mood issues, shall we say? That is, I'm generally a happy, optimistic guy, no matter what turns life takes, but the last few years of marginal employment and economic woe, couple with being dumped by M'Lady over the summer and... Yeah. I've been losing some of my signature cool.

And, shamefully, taking that out on my cats. Only because they're my prominent company lately, not hitting a regular office and still trying anew to rent out my spare rooms. Now, I don't hit my cats or anything remotely like that. But Chester likes to jump up on my desk while I'm working, from time to time, usually at inopportune times, seeking petting and such, and I've been a little short with him on that.

And then he disappears. I think perhaps he's gone for good...and he's returned to me. So I become especially grateful for him and am nudged further toward regaining that signature cool.

An appropriate seasonal message. In fact, Christmas-y as all shit.

Of course, common sense be damned, it'd seem more of a proper "miracle" if I could someone boink the upstairs girlie because of it all but... One Dickens moment at a time, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2011:

If real life brought Movie World's phrasin',

"Is doctor in house?" for occasion,

if doc was there, what

he'd say first is, "But

first--is there a collection agent?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2011:

Okay. Christmas is over and it's time to get back to... Uh... (Sigh)... Hey, we came back to reality enough for a non-Christmas Limerick already; what more do you want from us?... Did we mention?... (Sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2011:

All one does, reads, listens to, ventures seen,

most have no qualms through Facebook mentioning...

Sell your data, site's lusting;

Feds constantly busting...

Guess privacy's SOOOO last century!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2011:

Veteran Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that, right now, we're amid the calendar period we call "The Holiday Taint."

If you don't know what a taint is...well, look it up.

Christmas is the fun stuff, thus the year's genitals. New Year's sends us into the bleakness of non-holiday winter and is thus... Ahem.

And for New Year's to more properly function as...well, as its metaphorical organ, we fittingly see all these damn "Best of the Year" lists from the media... Trust us, it all makes sense... Although we realize that means the calendar year either ignores or went out of its way to hit the calendar "body's" legs and such but... Happy Taint!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2011:

Most now see pol'ticians as clowns

so Crook County's pols (that's Chi-Town's)...

Use smokers for budgets--

nail 'em hard, to fudge it--

but this time, voted smoke tax...DOWN?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2011:

So now this past Monday was "Mega Monday" because a lot of people were returning gifts, using the credits for new purchases, etc.?

So we've gotta name EVERY day that has something to do with the consumerist Christmas angle?

So, yesterday, perhaps some people got around to checking the fit on clothes received as gifts... Try-On Tuesday? And today, folks return gifted DVDs for porn on Whack-Off Wednesday?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2011:

All hail Facebook! So...irritating.

Joe's list'ning to this... Scintillating.

MUST be so much more

I miss it's good for...

Like... Finding out ex- is now dating?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2011:

Alright. As long as everybody's doing these year-end lists... We've got one.

One THING, anyway. Not another freakin' list.

So... Announcing Daily Limerick's Sickening Thing That Should Just Go Away for 2012--

Couples pics on Facebook and the like.

Nobody wants to see 'em, chances are each individual member of the couple really thinks it's lame, at least secretly and... Okay, we'll make an exception if you're TRYING to induce vomiting...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2011:

Career? Might have already peaked!

Yet love-hate rules Tebow's mystique--

crave punch...or high-five him!

Words? Tough to describe him...

What happened to term, "Jesus freak"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2011:

Dirty Switch rocks.

Known those cats a long time. Emceed a show including the band this month and was reminded, after not seeing them for years, how rockin' they are.

Plus they dedicated a song to me. Which always helps.

Remember when Fridays had the "Entertain Yourself" section? This is sort of a throwback.

Plus, our brains are having a rough time with content, it bein' New Year's Eve Eve and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2011:

I'll reap pleasure in New Year's Eve!

(If Eve's hot--I'm quite fond of beave!)

If beave's not your thing

then your New Year ring-

in with perhaps some...New Year's Steve?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy New Year's Eve!...

 

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