Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2011:

For month's, football's set weekend tone.

Last Sunday? I felt so alone...

Sorta watched the Pro Bowl

to soothe my forlorn soul--

could not help but think, "methadone."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day Eve!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2011:

Awards for flicks and rock 'n' rolla's

are oft plagued by dreaded payola.

Do such nods exist

for tel'vangelists--

if so, are they dogged by "prayola"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2011:

So what does it mean when the Groundhog is snowed-in and can't leave his freakin' hole?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 2/2/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Snowed In--So Short & Sweet

You need a sub sandwich. Yeah, ya' do. Bari Foods 1121 W. Grand Ave. (If you're in Chicago. If not... Sorry--snowed in.) Try the meatball or the Italian, they're both excellent choices. But call ahead, they get a line that is not worth waiting in. 312-666-0730. In the West Loop.

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2011:

By now, we're supposed to know when,

thanks to Groundhog, spring will begin.

Shadow? No? Each meaning...

Confused. But what gleaning

comes when he can't tell--he's snowed-in!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2011:

Witnessed a woman the other day pulling an...interesting parking job.

She worked a U-turn on a busy city street, backed-up, pulled forward, backed-up... All along, managing to maximize inconvenience to other drivers.

And when she was all done, her coveted slot... Well, even many of the legally blind could've told her she'd never fit her car without encroaching on the "No Parking--Bus Stop" area.

So let that be a lesson to the perpetually cranky out there. (And we'll admit, we count ourselves among that crowd at times.)

Just when you think you're desensitized to humanity, that no stupid maneuver can surprise you anymore... The evolution of morons shows you a new level.

In its own way, the capacity for people to be stupid is beautiful...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2011:

Well-known law now--it's beyond fable

hundred channels, but "nothing" label

fits what pleases you.

Now the "nothing" new?

It's "Family Guy"--half slots on cable!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2011:

We call it "Public Transportation Karma."

Say, you take two buses to your destination. Both take freakin' forever on your way there.

When you return, needing to take the same buses, THIS time, they'll both be there right when you need 'em.

Laugh if you will. It works.

Sometimes...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/4/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Now That The Groundhog Saw His Shadow...

...Or didn't he? Excuse us for, er, forgetting to fly our on-the-spot reporter... Does this mean only six more weeks of nobody taking on this feature?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2011:

Post-rough day, James chilled by the tubey

and so liked the news ladies boobies

sparked joint to get high

which shot him in eye

'cause he got his doobie all lubey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2011:

Readers outside of Chicago--hell, it's beyond Chicago, beyond even the Midwest... Anyhoo, we had piles and piles of snowed dumped on us this week.

Hasn't been this much since... 1979? And that wasn't quite as much, either--third largest snowstorm on record for Chicago.

It brings back happy memories, too. Especially since we didn't have to drive or anything.

So although the storm was actually Tuesday-Wednesday...and we've been a little slacky on content in general lately...and (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), I'm marginally employed now, to begin with (and that's a bit of a stretch, actually)... Well, we're takin' a snow day!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Snow Day Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2011:

For Super Bowl, Black Eyed Peas?... Gee--

step back toward hip, since hipness freeze

from halftime nip shame...

Why bother? Watch...game!

Halftime? I make sandwich and pee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2011:

So the NFL and Fox have gotten over the whole halftime "wardrobe malfunction" scare and, instead of booking rock dinosaurs, are going back to booking... Well, near-dinosaurs, anyway...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/6/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Six--The Mountain of Mail

Now... Okay. I'm a bit anal. Over-organized. Some tend to kiddingly (?) use the term, "OCD" to describe me. Everything has an exact spot on my desk--and I can tell if someone's moved something, even just a week bit. I keep exactly three backup rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet.

When I retrieve the day's mail, I attend to it immediately. I'll even stop whatever I was doing to balance my damn bank statement when it arrives.

Thus I realize that most aren't as vigilant as I regarding their mail. They may set it aside, tend to it later. Perhaps they wait a day. Perhaps they dig in and catch-up on the mail once a week.

Okay, sometimes there's a busy or stressful week(s) and people take...even longer than that to get to their mail.

But Cleveland... Well.

One of the few things Cleveland brought to my condo living situation was a little table for the kitchen. While the kitchen would be quite cluttered with a full-on dinner table and chairs, that semi-circle table was a nice addition. Or would've been.

It held numerous Cleveland items. A kitchen scale, his vegetables and garlic, usually in various stages of rot. Clothes. But mostly mail.

I'm not sure of the technical definition of the term, but "mountains" might literally apply to his mail piles.

There was no room for me to use that table for dick.

Considering that I was never sure of his sobriety level, and that he kept to himself in an extreme way, I just left his mail on that table, where he could see it. Which was easy enough.

Until it got to the point where the pile became piles. And you'd put a letter or two atop and that'd start pieces sliding all over. I tried to keep it as orderly as possible, newer mail atop, but eventually I was content with tossing his newest mail somewhere amid the mountains and pushing back the piles so it'd all stay on the table.

Occasionally, he'd catch-up on the mail.

But not often.

Sure, much of his mail was from bill collectors, or junk mail, etc., etc. And undoubtedly, some of the bills could be tended to online.

But we're talkin' about pieces that were obviously cards, wedding invites and such. I'd try to keep such things atop, even when another day's mail would otherwise chronologically cover them.

Didn't matter.

He'd eventually catch-up on months of mail, just before moving-out, through the Great Straighten-Up... But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

I'm still freakin' amazed, thinking about those mountains and mountains of mail...

Coming Next Week--Where are the Dancer Chicks?...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/6/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Untitled, 2011

 

Lasting love should be

an outbreak we all catch.

All of my friends should

have the chance to be

 

sickly happy.

 

Do not call the doctor

if conditions persist:

When two seen from any

distance are like

 

sun-drenched rays

emanating from one mind.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/6/2011:

> ....your limerick re: Rid Kock 'n that "song," "Sweet Home Alabama,"

> "...not only a Skynyrd rip-off, but the main verse is also a take on

> 'Werewolves in London'...a double rip-off !" ...What a choad,

> lol... Keep up the good work : )

That letter came to us via Facebook, where we post the Sunday Limerick, although we should probably do that everyday, and set it up for a Twit daily, too... But, anyway, we prefer the word "taint" in everyday usage (what it sees here in the, er, Daily Limerick Towers)--although as a slur, "choat" is probably preferable.

And we'll try keeping it up but... We're confused as to what "good work" we've been doing. I think I dropped a part of my burrito recently on my late-night walk home from a show due to careless munching, but didn't think that qualified as "feeding the homeless"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2011:

Since Half Show saw that nipple glare'a

booked dinosaurs--hip? Wouldn't dare'a!

This year's Super Bowl

brought Black Eyed Pease! Rolled

with... Well, dinos--but newer era!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2011:

Well.

It's M'Lady's birthday.

Chiefy checking in, here. (That's Chief Limericist to you bastards.)

In case you haven't noticed, we're not exactly content vigilant so far this month.

Damn New Year and all.

So regarding excuses to cheeze-off for a day... This'll do...

Happy Extra Cheezy Birthday, M'Lady!...

And Happy Extra Cheezy M'Lady's Birthday to the rest of you derelicts, too!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2011:

When stupid acts muddle to gray--

long passed the shocked-by-morons day...

I witness new act,

evolves dumb--retract!

Morons beautiful, in own way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2011:

So Gilbert Arenas, of the NBA's Orlando Magic, was served child support papers during a break in a basketball game versus the Miami Heat.

Sure beats the Super Bowl's halftime show...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2011:

Docs for Gilbert Arena's dough

for child support were served mid-flow

at basketball game!

Gee, sure beats the lame-

ass hyped Super Bowl halftime show!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2011:

A man was killed at a cockfight by...a rooster with a knife attached to its leg.

And once again, life imitates... A possible sequel to "Chicken Run"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 2/9/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Lookin' for Some Excellent Fried Chicken?

...Or Italian beef pizza? I got the spot for you... Ma Ma Luna's! This place is absolutely "Monte-licious!" Ma Ma Luna's is in the Cragin neighborhood (Chicago, 5106 W. Fullerton Ave.).

I have been goin' to this place since a kid and it still tastes exactly the same, 20 years later.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2011:

Drug/booze rehabs see steady flow,

so one--just for lawyers--makes show!

Might seem of a strange bent

but fits goal of "treatment"--

raking-in insane piles of dough!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2011:

Rand O'Donnell has started the "Mountain of Hope" charity to raise money for poor families in his town--seeking donations of pennies.

Okay, Rand. So you're an outstanding humanitarian--but we're still gonna call you a bastard when, inevitably, and despite the fact that you're in Washington State, we end up behind you next time we visit the bank...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2011:

Adults get hung-up, feel there's no way

that they can have fun on a snow day.

But I say indulge!

Relax--grow pants bulge

and make it a snow, ho' get-blow day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2011:

Actually heard this phrase for a Bravo promo--

"The Bad Boys of...Real Estate"

???

Again, that's a promo.

Thus, a phrase that should make people WANT to tune in.

It's... Ahem. We... Hmm.

Again, a reminder to you TV folks. Since TV show ideas that were mere jokes a few years ago are actually being produced (and...shudder...even WATCHED)... We've just been JOKING for a while about people tuning in to watch grass grow if Hollywood presented it.

So get those freakin' cameras away from the Kardashians' lawn!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/11/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahem...

...(Nudge, nudge...wink...wink?)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2011:

Poor Jason, dumped by his girl Mandy

'fore Valentine's--but still felt randy.

Hit brothel--forsook!

Importeds, partook--

exquisite box of Belgian "Candy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2011:

Does Adam Sandler has some film contract whereby he must take one in the nuts in every flick?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2011:

Days Valentine's passed I'm now hailin'...

One card? No--each classmate gets mailin'!

Here's my "card"--breaks rules!

To all... 'Cept huge fools--

like "Jersey Shore" cast, Sarah Palin...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2011:

A new study states that switching children to solid-food diets too early is a cause of later childhood obesity.

Kinda surprises us that the American Academy of Pediatrics is in on it, too--the plot to keep stuffing ourselves silly and avoid any form whatsoever of exercise...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/13/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Seven--Where are the Dancer Chicks?

I think I've more than made my point regarding my idea of a good renter/roommate. Someone who pays on time and keeps to his- or herself for the most part--so that I could largely live as if I didn't NEED to rent part of my condo to a virtual stranger.

While I lean toward the "completely separate lives" side of things, and certainly couldn't handle a typical college dorm buddy-buddy arrangement full-on into adulthood, there's something to be said about balance. SOME balance.

As long as someone IS living with me (I could never fully pretend to be living alone), I'd prefer some form of interaction. Basic, "How's it going?" stuff and updates if, say, the renter/roommate is leaving town for a couple days or something.

Hell, I'd even perhaps be up for something more. Thus, knowing that Cleveland was the artsy sort, I mentioned plans to hit the gallery openings once, not completely inviting him, but sorta leaving an opening.

I see that as a dangerous fine line, of course, and I'm still not sure I WANTED him to accept but... There is certainly a happy medium.

As it were, Cleveland took "completely separate lives" further than I'd thought possible.

While I wasn't sure I actually wanted to hang-out with the guy, I WAS sure that I wanted him to have company at the homestead. On certain terms, of course--not too early or late, without excess noise, keeping out of my way, not being annoying, etc.

Actually, I had very specific company in mind--dancer chicks.

Yeah, as soon as I knew Cleveland was moving in, I started thinking about all the hot dancer chicks he'd inevitably worked with and envisioned them stopping by. Perhaps stretching in the kitchen in tight-fitting leotards and such.

Oddly enough, whenever I've MET a pro dancer chick, her bod and such hasn't lived-up to the idea of "dancer chick" that causes guys to aspire toward dating them. Perhaps because dance requires a certain musculature, perhaps because there's an unrealistic ideal set.

But regardless... Dancer chicks! I couldn't wait.

But wait I did.

For the two & 1/2 years he lived with me.

In vain.

In fact, Cleveland NEVER had visitors.

Well, I shouldn't say NEVER, because I wasn't there 100 percent of the time...although I was around close that that, working freelance... Okay, being marginally employed freelance.

I also shouldn't say NEVER because he DID have a couple of visitors, eventually. Male visitors. And none of those were of the romantic sort.

Gay guy. Still with a dancer bod. Living in a part of town known to some as "Boys Town."

Now, even if you set aside the dancer angle, he should've brought CHICKS over. Hot chicks. Excuse me for waxing toward stereotyping but... Don't chicks LOVE gay guys?

But like the cleanliness thing, Cleveland didn't conform to the stereotype on that level.

Oh, he seemed to TALK with a lot of chicks on the phone.

But my place seemed to him to be a hideaway, of sorts, where he could live a certain lifestyle in shame and have nobody bother him about it.

So perhaps in his "normal" state, he would conform to many stereotypes.

But "normal" is far from the word I'd use to describe his typical state...

Coming Next Week--The Right Word...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/13/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Life as an in-flight movie

 

For Act I, I want to see two

comically mismatched people.

She should be statuesque, with

stunning legs, an immaculately

expensive haircut.

He should be handsome but slovenly,

too blunt, so that she disgustedly

calls off the whole evening.

 

We need a good reason to get

them together in Act II. Let's get edgy;

have someone close to them die. They

can meet up in the ragged void

of someone's shattered life.

Perhaps he comforts the widow with

such grace that our heroine revises

her memories of that terrible first date.

 

Act III. She feels guilty about the

sparks that are building into a slow-

burning fire. (Note to director: When

they finally fuck, keep any coffins

out of view.) Have her so agonized

over her decision to pursue happiness

that the widow herself explodes

into an emotionally resonant scene.

 

I'm picturing her in tasteful black,

leaning for support against a kitchen counter

dappled with afternoon light. She should put

aside her own grief to set her friend on course:

Wake up! This is the only life we get!

My husband would be so happy to see you two together!

Etc.

Make her the maid of honor in reward.

 

Perhaps, upon leaving the verdant field

where the picturesque outdoor wedding will be set,

the beaming couple can meet their own horrific,

sudden end -- the jaunty scrawl of Just Married

on the limo's back window spit up into the street.

 

All the better for new people to meet

at their funeral and find love;

it would be selfish to wish otherwise.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2011:

Point, holidays? To be enjoyed!

But fate's twist, in many, brings void.

So here's to the lonely,

on Val'ntine's! Life's shown me

we lucky are one step away...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2011:

Sheesh. That's an awfully sappy Limerick. Especially for us!

Thus we're suspending this department for the day...

But Happy Extra Cheezy Valentine's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2011:

Seems that Adam Sandler'd face cuts

in pay if flick--no ifs, ands, butts--

did not include gag

where someone gets tagged

with a hard shot straight to the nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2011:

We're a little frightened over folks who start frothing whenever Facebook makes changes to the site--as if it's a necessary public system, like the town water supply or something.

And just a reminder to you social network addicts--while Facebook is raising insane amounts of money and all... Well, know anyone who's ever clicked on one of its ads, or spent any money prompted by one?

Don't get too used to stuff like Facebook. Anybody recall the Dot-Com Bubble?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2011:

Reality TV's just great!

Footage, real excitement, first rate!

Survivalists dishin';

perils, deep-sea fishin'

and now bad boys of...real estate?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2011:

We may be a little bit late with this but... Congrats to Egypt for taking that first step toward a modern Democracy!

Things are still a bit uncertain, but it appears they're on track to join the rest of the Free World! Why, within a decade, the majority of the public may be enjoying the freedom to take their hard-earned voting rights for granted!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 2/16/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Didn't Do the Date on Valentine's Day?...

...That can be good! All of the so called "dinner specials," which are a rip, are done and over. The crowds have died down. So take yer baby somewhere's nice like....my ass! (That's a joke, JB.)

Like... Genaro's for Italian! (In Chicago, 1352 W. Taylor St., Thursday-Sunday.) This place is old-school Chicago--you still have to get buzzed in to enter. The service is rude--and it's not a "bit"--and the tables are a tight fit, but the food is delicious. Me? I love the pork chops and chicken vesuvio there--Monte-licious!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2011:

Each time Facebook does rework tricks

posts hissy-fit--"Ain't broke; don't fix!"

Like it's PUBLIC'S! Why?

's'Not water supply!

It's treatment time, Facebook addicts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2011:

Big Mother activist Sens. Dick Durbin and Frank R. Lautenberg are urging Major League Baseball to ban the use of smokeless tobacco.

It seems the danger of secondhand... Hmmm.

This could be a positive development. At least considering that, rather than whipping out secondhand science, we're closer to people like this just admitting the obvious--a collective, elitist liberal hissy fit over the fact that some educated adults refuse to make the lifestyle choices they approve of...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2011:

Yo, addicts with Facebook-fix lust!

Though site rakes-in cash by the bus-

load and ads are flyin'!...

Know anyone buyin'?

Can you say, "Dot-Com Boom"?...then "Bust"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2011:

...And with that Limerick, it completes a...duology?... Okay, doesn't roll of the tongue as delightfully as a "trilogy," but two poems in a row, aka a "two-parter," on Facebook... We're too worn out and self-satisfied for real content in THIS section...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/18/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Is There a Columnist in the House?...

...You know, for THIS section? (Gotta admit, "columnist" sounds better than "blogger"...then again, what doesn't--other than, say, "child molester"?)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2011:

Po' straight Ralph whored his ass to William

whose foot-long cock painfully drilled 'em!

Doc gave, "What's torn" gist

and couldn't resist

saying, "RECTUM? It damn near killed 'em!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2011:

What a sense of accomplishment!

Yeah, it's an ancient gag, but has it been worked into a Limerick before?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2011:

Two senators' Big Mother vision

o'er smokeless tobacco--mouths fizzin'--

say Baseball should ban it;

protect all on planet

from secondhand... Lifestyle decisions?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2011:

Los Angeles County employee Rebecca Walls died at her desk last week--and her coworkers left her there, not noticing the fact.

Hmmm.

Okay. At the risk of not only sounding insensitive, but also of hitting the easy joke... Considering she's a government employee, it would be rather hard to tell...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/20/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Eight--The Right Word

I first learned of the word "lush" to describe an alcoholic in...junior high, I think?

My mom used it to describe the mother of a schoolmate.

Like all new words, I found it interesting. But I never used it. Seemed...outdated, or something?

"Drunk," "wino," "alkie" and even "crock" were terms I'd used. (I do have a fondness for terms once, but not currently, popular.)

But not "lush."

Yet as I started to know Cleveland... Well, after two & 1/2 years I NEVER got to "know" him, but as I began to...er, experience his presence, the word "lush" kept coming to mind.

Now, other writers well know--and isn't just about everyone a "writer" these days, what with blogs and Facebook posts and such?--that while words may essentially MEAN the same thing, each has its own nuances.

"Wino," for instance, seems more to fit, say, a homeless alcoholic. "Crock"... Personally, I picture an older guy, likely the ornery sort, more of a keep-to-himself boozer than a party dude.

Now, some specific word usage tendencies derive from historical usage, alliteration and such. For instance, "crock" is similar to "crank."

But some reasons for specific word choice undoubtedly relate to personal experience and such.

And for whatever reason, "lush" seemed to be the best word for Cleveland.

Not entirely sure why. Just seemed to suit him. Thinking about my old schoolmate's now late other, I guess she had the same hair color and complexion as Cleveland but... It's more than that.

Maybe the reasons will become more apparent as the tale further unfolds...

Coming Next Week--Chef School Perks...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/20/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Drive!

 

Drive me through the earth's crust

so I can see the underside of things.

The roots reaching for pockets of

water. The bones forgetting our

stories for us. The crisscrossing

grids of pipes, setting up

the boundaries of a game

to which we do not know the rules.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/20/2011:

This chowderhead checks in regarding yesterday's Limerick, utilizing the old, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!" gag--

> A little late, eh?

That's, of course, true.

Perhaps for President's Day (and Week), we'll whip-out our killer Teapot Dome Scandal material, as we've been itchin' to do for so long...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2011:

It's birthday of Jenny Love Hewitt!

Why celebrate? Don't know--but do it.

As much as I try

she ain't e'en said, "Hi"...

At this point, I wish she'd have blew it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2011:

Yeah. It's her birthday. We're celebrating.

Sort of.

Not sure why we bother... (Sigh)... Happens this year on the same day as President's Day, too.

Should we wear top hats or "Ghost Whisperer" costumes or... Got it! Powdered public wigs!... Er... Um...

Happy Extra Cheezy Jennifer Love Hewitt's Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2011:

Yay, Egypt! Fought, protested, ranted--

for seeds of Democracy planted!

Hard work has unfurled

place, modern free world--

soon right of vote...to take for granted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2011:

The White House, celebrating MoTown, invited guests including Smokey Robinson, Seal, Sheryl Crow and... Sheryl Crow?

Well.

There's a joke somewhere in this bizarre bit of happenstance, but we're having trouble with it.

Guess... Considering this is a Black History Month thing, it somehow relates to all the auto and furniture sales that designation prompts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2011:

For grunt, L.A. County, tolled bell.

Right at her desk, on Friday, felled.

Co-workers? Just went home

thought her fine, left alone...

Truth told? Gov worker? Hard to tell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2011:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

So, for the last major sports league championship brought to Chicago, last year's Blackhawks' Stanley Cup win, the coach was Joel Quenneville.

Quenneville wears a moustache.

The last NFL football championship from the Bears? Coached by Mike Ditka.

Ditka, too, wears the 'stash.

The last NBA basketball championship from the Bulls? Coached by Phil Jackson.

Jackson... Well, he oft appears with a full beard, or extra scruffy, and he's went through clean-shaven periods but... Known mostly for that moustache.

Major League Baseball... Chicago White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen brought the last series win with... Well, goatee. But that includes a moustache, and is closer to a moustache than a full beard.

The Cubs... Gee, we have to look into that one, since it hasn't happened since... The manager in 1908 was Frank Chance who... No moustache.

But considering that was a century ago, NOT having a moustache then was much like HAVING one today. Today, while facial hair is popular, just a moustache isn't so much--but in those days, it seems EVERYBODY had facial hair. And those moustaches were the crazy ones, handlebars and such.

Conclusion? A moustache means power, success--and super sexiness, to boot!

Did I mention that... As a guy, having tried most every facial hair look, but avoiding just the moustache for my whole life (at least for long), perhaps because it seemed too '70s or something... I've recently been bearing the 'stash?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 2/23/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Is still recovering from his President's Day hangover...

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2011:

White House celebrates town of Mo!

That's MOTOWN not... Well, not YOU know...

Spotlight acts like Smokey,

sure it's White House, hokey

but... What the hell's with Sheryl Crow?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2011:

Ahh... The day after an election in Chicago--long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know we compile these editions a day ahead of time... Small election, although the new mayor thing is big (but no surprise from the results whatsoever)...some aldermen, etc... Pick-up the morning newspaper and a couple pages of coverage should suffice... Hell, one story's enough...that's pretty much what they allot to the coverage of historic events unfolding in the Mid-East...wish they would've given THAT much to the pre-Comcast/NBC/Entire Entertainment World-Moo-ha-hawww Monster Merger story...and... What's this?

A 12-page pullout section on the election? Wow! Guess we'll have to go through that... Should take us, geez... A minute longer than the auto section we feel compelled to flip through, despite its utter uselessness to us?

Can't imagine why the Major Media are seen as increasingly irrelevant...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2011:

Chi-Town sports champ coaches act brash--

and must to win top trophy dash!

One more thing they share?

Da Bulls, Blackhawks, Bears

and Sox (Cubs don't count) is... Da 'Stash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2011:

With the long-time-coming pushes for Democracy erupting--and seeing success--across the Muslim World... Well, it's a step forward for not only them, but the entire Free World. With global society interconnected more than ever, why, other than a few despots and their toadies, who could possibly see anything BUT good in these events?

Hmmm... Headline--

"Oil Industry Braces for Fallout"

Well, er... Guess this is one of those cases where we don't need to add anything--witty, "witty" or otherwise...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 2/25/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Oooh... Good Crowd!...

...I tell ya'... Oooh, I tell ya'... Ahem.

Seriously. You're a SUCK CROWD. All I wanted was a volunteer Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to take-on this freakin' section. If you pay any attention, you know you can slide...take weeks off...fire off one-sentence editions... On ENTERTAINMENT, not PHYSICS or anything... Bastards... I should have a better slur name for ya', but bastards seems to fit so well...

Bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2011:

Joel loved giving oral--chicks jiggled!

In tune with his tongue and lips, wriggled!

So grew huge moustache

which so tickled gash

unleashed queefs that sounded like giggles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2011:

Please, please stop using the term, "LOL."

Please. For the love of all that is right and good in the world--we beg of you...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2011:

A trilogy--three pronged attack!

Three days straight, Lim'rick, though prong's lacked

by subject. Sensation--

two-pronged thrill sweeps nation...

Make no mistake--the 'Stash is back!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2011:

Thus completes our trilogy of Moustache Limericks... Feel free to pause in awe for a bit...

U.S Sen. Harry Reid, of Nevada... Allow us to pause and point something out.

Reid is a Democrat. In fact, a Big Cheeze Democrat in Congress.

Anyway, Reid is urging the state congress of Nevada to de-legalize prostitution.

Gather 'round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you about a time when political movements like "liberal" and "conservative" somewhat, sorta, sometimes approximated their original dictionary definitions...

According to a new study cell phone use increases brain activity. (http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2011/02/23/health-buzz-cell-phones-cause-brain-activity-changes)

Although, unfortunately, none of that brain activity is focused on driving down the street, walking down the sidewalk, dealing with the grocery clerk in the checkout lane...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/27/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Like This, See?...

Sunday Story Time, and the serialized tale of the Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, is taking the week off... For a change, we're not even bothering with an excuse...

Coming Next Week--Chef School Perks...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/27/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Easy traverse

 

Crawl across the cityscape

from the hotel window, fly.

 

From a deep dissolve

approach the spire

of the highest monument

you see, see, see.

 

The sky is orange, it

flickers with flecks

in your wings.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2011:

Let's kill it--and send it to hell!

Plague which online world has befell!

It's no longer mod

so, for love of God,

stop using lame-ass, "LOL"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2011:

In one of the Midwestern GOP v. Democrat union standoffs, Iowa Rep. Charlie Brown... He hee.

Charlie Brown.

And he's from Gary!

Of course.

We forgot what the hell our original point was here, but this'll suffice...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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