Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2011:

Those Resolutions may please mother

but... Put 'em off--indulge your druthers!

New Year now occurs

on one calendar...

So switch to Jew, Muslim--some other!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy New Year!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2011:

Full-time, nash'nal football broadcasters

bring hometown fans viewing disasters!

Their comments are lame--

I'd call better game!

Hey, 'least players names, can you master?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2011:

So Kim Kardashian is working on starting a music career, producing a song and video with... Hmmm.

Does anybody else miss the good ol' days when a music career, or display of some form, ANY form of talent, came BEFORE fame?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/2/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: January 2?...

...Uh-Uh...

Coming Next Week--My One-Time Expert Offer...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/2/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...How the hell do we know? Still nursing a hangover and/or walking around confused and disoriented in Tiajuana?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2011:

Been shot many times, Fitty Cent!

Seemed, once, street cred couldn't be bent!

Read of his, news glancin'...

Connecticut mansion?

Guess Fitty's street cred has been spent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2011:

Part Two of our Tips for Journalism Students, um, "series"--

Somebody, ANYBODY get the ball rolling on prosecuting the nation's (and world's) colleges for shilling degrees in journalism--as if anybody is going to be able to make a living of that, er, "industry" anymore...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2011:

The musical deal, "Spider-Man's"

had so many setbacks in plans

the craze--go Broadway

with all flicks just may

have pushed even God to take stand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2011:

It strikes us that, although we gave you Part Two of our Tips for Journalism Students last week, we somehow missed Part One.

Swear we typed it somewhere, but now have no idea where.

Anyway, here goes--

When you interview an "expert" and need video footage for that story (for which video footage adds nothing--usually the case), find a hallway with a window leading up to the "expert's" office and film them approaching as the story is narrated, just before said "expert" speaks."

That's a tool used in 90 percent of all local broadcast "news"!

Send checks c/o Daily Limerick, or inquire as to our PayPal account, regarding tuition...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2011:

One slut of Kardashian name

(they seem interchangeably lame)

courts music career now!

Old-fashioned, I fear now,

for talent to come BEFORE fame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2011:

Now's about the time that all "respectable" publications do some sorta "Year in Review" thingie.

So... Either we're just not respectable, or that's lame...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 1/5/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Puerto Rican Warmth for Your Post-Holidays Chill

First tip of the year reminds me of the first restaurant I ever took my wife to--and the place I featured for my appearance on the (local Chicago) TV show, "Check, Please." Cafe Central is a Puerto Rican restaurant and everything I have eaten there has been monte-licious!

My favorite thing about Puerto Rican food is the red beans and yellow rice with pigeon peas, which are a tasty bean. Get the combo, which comes with the beans, rice and yer choice of a meat (stewed beef/chicken, spare ribs, pork chop). Check out Cafe Central, you will enjoy yerself, not to mention it is very inexpensive for all that you get.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2011:

Does winter have you hitting flask?

Here's fun game--if up to the task!

Hit convenience store

all aisles there, explore--

watch clerk's face! Oh--first, don ski mask!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2011:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall that DL has chronicled annual murders in Chicago, generally in the summer, over pork chops.

Well, already, 2011 has seen a murder, by one Jermaine Cook, over a Polish sausuage.

New Year's Day.

Not sure whether this is a sign of the economy looking up or, honestly, what to make of this--but there you have it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2011:

Now's when pundits just can't resist

penning end-of-year/New Year lists!

And we'd do the same

except... Well, that's lame--

so ignoring them, that's our twist!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2011:

First, we learned about the hundreds/thousands of people awakening too late after New Year's due to the failure of the iPhone's alarm app.

Then, we caught a commercial for Jose Cuervo trumpeting its "Cue the Cab" app, whereby users can... Well, basically call a freakin' cab, which would seem simple enough as the app users have a PHONE TO BEGIN WITH, but which uses a fancy gizmo to call a cab.

Does anybody else get the feeling that soon people won't even be able to take a crap without an app's assistance?

Remaining grounded in the real world--there's NOT an app for that...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/7/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: New Year...

...Same old bunch of nut-clutch, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who refuse to take on this fun and, really, simple weekly section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2011:

A slut took a day trip down South

to see what food raves were abouth.

Quick trip--couldn't try

homemade pecan pie...

But did get some nuts in her mouth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2011:

Saw a local bar already promoting St. Patrick's Day specials.

Just who the hell do they think they are--Christmas raping retail execs?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Elvis' Birthday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2011:

Can put man on moon--cliche lurks,

yet true--so I just go berserk

when trying to tether

my pages together--

'cause we can't make stapler that works!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2011:

So, as best as we can tell, the only primetime TV option commemorating Elvis' birthday yesterday was a showing of "Clambake" on Turner Classic Movies from 5-10 p.m.

Make that primetime-ish.

Of course, the new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) conducting a marathon of, oddly enough, "The Color Purple."

There are indeed many similarities between Elvis and Oprah.

Like... Oh, let that be your Sunday afternoon project, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/9/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: You Know We Pen These 'Special' Sections a Week Ahead of Time, Right?

...So... Check your calendar if you're having trouble figuring this out...

Coming Next Week--My One-Time Expert Offer...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/9/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: "We have to go back"

 

(inspired by a video by my friends Matt and Jen, here)

 

We have to go back,

down sunlit hallways,

where the mirrors

live in waiting.

 

These faces

are not our faces;

in this light

they distort, fall away.

 

The burning blue square

of the window casts

itself over breakfast.

What happened last night?

 

Which way back?

Beside the rough stucco

of old apartments

squatting in the desert,

 

we make our choices,

maybe miss the messages;

 

do what we can.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2011:

On New Year's, iPhone's "Alarm" app

did crash, causing many a sap

to sleep-in--miss dealings!

Who else gets the feeling

that soon we'll need an app to crap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2011:

Some National Football League pundits are saying, with the Seattle Seahawks capturing their division with a losing record, but still making the playoffs--in fact, WINNING the first round of the playoffs--despite other teams with rather kick-ass records NOT making the playoffs, even as wildcards... Well.

These bastards are saying the NFL need change it's system of earning playoff contention.

To which we say... Shut the hell up.

My grandpa used to go on about how the playoffs were all showy. "It used to be that the team with the top record was the champion. No playoff games, no argument." Which is very true, but very boring.

So, yes, the playoffs ARE showy. Everybody plays under the same system. Some teams get better as the year progresses, making them better teams than their records would indicate and... Anyway. Shut your pill holes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2011:

Though journ'lism field's went "Ka-blam!"

Higher Ed eats cash--says, "Be damned!"

Tuition purloining

for that "career"--join me

in class action suit 'gainst Great Scam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2011:

You know how it seems that every year, you say, "This Holiday Season, we're gonna see the lights at the zoo and the window displays downtown and blah blah blah" and/or, "This winter, we're gonna go skating at that rink downtown and cross country skiing out by my parents and yadda yadda yadda?"

And, of course, you don't do all those things?

Well, there's a saying, usually reserved for gift-giving--

"It's the thought that counts."

And it's relevant for this stuff, too.

Someday, you'll have memories of simply talking about doing things, which, in our book, is just as good...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2011:

Though St. Pat's is "big" hol'day next...

Bar posting its deals leaves me vexed!

Time-wise, it's still far.

Who they think they are--

Christmas-raping retail execs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2011:

You know how they say that animals, such as dogs, often "know" more about our human world than we give them credit?

And do you also know (of course you do) how the Yellow Pages and Yellow Book and whatever continue to print and deliver those phonebooks, sized to kill-off a half-tree a pop, despite the fact that nobody wants the freakin' things anymore?

Was walking my dogs the other day and Schnapps, the dachshund, pissed on one, one just sitting there, in the doorway, taking up space, unwanted...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 1/12/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: New York Food...Without the New York!

Get a good New York sub sandwich in Chicago! (Look for yourself if you're elsewhere--this proves it can be done). New York Deli is in the Lakeview neighborhood, 2921 N. Clark St., and makes a Monte-licious sandwich called the "RJ."

The RJ is a pastrami and turkey sandwich on a toasted bun. It is REALLY good. If yer in the area, and want a good sandwich, quick, stop there. They also serve Dr. Brown's soda and side salads.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2011:

See 'em clutt'ring doorways--spurs rages!

Their usefulness? Lost to the Ages!

Yet still, they're delivered!

So could not help snigger--

when my dog peed on Yellow Pages!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2011:

Hmmm... Slow new days... What can we possibly add to the dialogue about, say, the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords... How about--

Happy Extra Cheezy 70th Anniversary of James Joyce's death!...

(It's such a fine line between slow "news" day and slow "news team")...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2011:

In "hip" Cuervo ads how they blab

on "Cue the Cab" app--it's so fab!

Too drunk to drive home?

Work app? It's through PHONE--

so why not just CALL freakin' cab?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2011:

According to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, while worker complaints of discrimination are up, there's...good news.

We think.

For the first time, complaints of race-based discrimination have been exceeded by those of retaliation.

Thus, depending on how you view it, either racism is on the decline or corporate evil is on the rise.

Or both.

Kinda like a glass half-empty/glass half-full thing.

Although, in any event, it's apparently one of those dribble glasses...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/14/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Where?...

...Are all the blabbermouth bloggers when you ask somebody to take on a freakin' weekly entertainment section?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2011:

Hot chef on the hip foodie scene

took intern--fine redhead, late teen.

Worked hard at creating

new soups for the sating--

but best could do was "cream of jeans"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Tyler Says 'Idol' Gig Won't Kill Aerosmith"

As in Steven Tyler and "American Idol."

Ahem.

Er, Steven? Let's see... Well-aged classic rock institution... Perhaps the cheeziest thing to happen to music in the entire history of music... Um, Stevey, we're not sure how to tell you this but, uh...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2011:

Losing-record Seahawks found way

to playoffs, football, so some say

the system needs change.

It's fine--want deranged

joke like NHL? NBA?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2011:

So Super Loser Jared Loughner (look into him if you don't know who he is, somehow)...fell victim to a "kick me" sign on his back during middle school.

Poor baby!

So cut him some slack. After all, can you imagine anybody getting made fun of in school?...

Oh, and look for some opportunitistic politician to propose a bill banning "kick me" signs...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/16/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

 

TODAY'S EDITION: You Know What?...

...Sick as a dog; forget key luggage when I went out of town in the Holiday Taint, needing to make an extra trip back out, screwing most of this past week... So as long as everything else in my life is stuck for an extra week trying to push over the Post-Holiday Hump (reminder--I pen these "special" sections a week ahead of time), we're blowin' this tale off yet again...

Coming Next Week (Really!)--My One-Time Expert Offer...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/16/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Guess What?...

 

Mike is evidently taking the week off. Probably having trouble getting kick-started for the damned New Year, like the rest of us here...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2011:

As C-Diff out break plagues the nation

its antidote... Strange situation!

Calls to transplant stool

from 'nother! No fool!

So... Butt-to-butt resuscitation?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2011:

Chowderhead former publicist Michael Russell is suing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association alleging that payola is behind their, er, "coveted" awards.

Next up for Russell--an ageist discrimination suit against the Vienna Boys Choir...

Happy Extra Cheezy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!...

(And thanks, Mr. Russell, for doing your part to sully the role of REAL discrimination in our society)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2011:

The EEOC finds, at last,

race discrimination's been passed

as top complaint facin'--

by retaliation!

Half-empty, half-full? Dribble glass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2011:

Here's a tip for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Any company with some form of "America" in it's title is, ironically, anti-American.

Bank of America--taking taxpayer bailout cash to in turn refuse to offer loans to most Americans and/or help them with current loans with which they struggle.

America Online--yes, it's still around. When it was powerful, it was noted for censoring content and as the e-mail/Internet provider of choice for knuckleheads.

Etc.

Etc...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2011:

It's his birthday, thus time to show

respect for Edgar Allan Poe!

Get drunk? Drinking cease?

Er... Bang your frail niece?...

Guess reading his stuff's way to go!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2011:

Not to pick on Kid Rock, as the case is similar with other musicians (and "musicians") sampling the popular works of others before them but... Actually, we DO mean to pick on Kid Rock, although he's not the only guilty party.

Is it just us, or... Whenever we hear that Kid Rock tune about listing to "Sweet Home Alabama"... We just wish we were listening to "Sweet Home Alabama," for Elvis' sake, rather than his lame rip-off, er, tribute...

Oh, but we do have to give Kid, or Mr. Rock, or whatever the hell you call him, um, credit (of something) because when we hear the very beginning of that song, it sounds just like Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London," which we'd also much rather hear--so he manages to rip off TWO great musicians!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

On an Extra Cheezy Full Moon, to boot!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 1/19/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Still On Those Resolutions?

If yer lookin' for a sweet treat that has no dairy and is still Monte-licious, try the oatmeal shakes made with either water or soy at Irazu, 1865 N. Milwaukee Ave. (In Chicago--or find a Costa Rican joint near you.) I like the oatmeal/strawberry or banana mix a lot.

Also, try the Pepito sandwich, meat lovers.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2011:

American way--feed the flame!

Shun comp'nies that duck it (for shame)!

To help you get hip--

those with evil grip?

Oft "America" in their name!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2011:

So it appears that, according to the Far Too Left, Everybody's-a-Victim crowd, that Laughner dork--who, by the way, is ugly as all sin, to boot (tip: Don't shave your head when it looks that bad, dude)--would've never went on the shooting spree had he received the proper "treatment."

So... Would those guys just rinse a rotten apple--and still eat it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2011:

Those who've "all are victim" creed heeded

say Laughner'd not kill if were treated

by psychs--how they babble!

Do these folks see apple,

quite rotten, and rinse--but still eat it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2011:

So Hazelden, stronghold of addiction "treatment" hospitals, has begun a program--specifically for lawyers.

See, every demographic is entitled to a personalized witch doctor method with little chance of succeeding...unless, of course, you take into account that Big Rehab can charge more for attorneys...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/21/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hello?...

...We know you're out there, we can hear you slacking...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2011:

A South Side Chicago groupie

did take a show'r with R. Kelly.

During the affair

when she washed her hair

you could say it was with "sham-pee"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2011:

For the 22nd season of TV's "Survivor," the...the two teams will... Ahem.

Let's...try this again.

For the 22nd season of TV's "Survivor," the... Zzzzzzzzz...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2011:

Kid Rock sings about how he longs

for youth, days of singing, with bongs,

"Sweet Home Alabama"...

His tune? Lame-o-rama--

makes me wish it was SKYNYRD'S song!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2011:

According to... Oh, a study or survey or what-have-you, 80 percent of credit reports contain errors.

But even considering that increased interest rates and fees equal money, which equals food, medical care, shelter and such... Nothing at all wrong with having everybody's freakin' life in the hands of a score that's exact a whole 20 percent of the time...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/23/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Four--My One-Time Expert Offer

Since liquor is expensive, I felt I had to mention the stolen hooch to Cleveland. (If you're behind on this story, like us, you've gotta go back to the Archives pre-Thanksgiving, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, to reacquaint yourselves.)

While I was at it, there were other things worth mentioning, not by themselves, but now that I had a peg for the conversation. Which wasn't a conversation at all, but an e-mail, as he was keeping odd hours and such.

Now, I'm a guy. And I urinate with a penis. Which means that sprinkles around the toilet happen. Hell, occasionally, a squirt hits the floor, if I really have to go bad or something. So I'm no stickler for complete and utter toilet cleanliness. But Cleveland had developed a habit of pissing all over the seat and/or leaving a puddle on the floor, much of the time.

Once... I cleaned it up; shit happens. Twice... I cleaned it up; shit happens, but shouldn't this much. Thrice... Well, my e-mail mentioned this, as well as the puking.

My attitudes toward puking in the sink and/or toilet mirror those toward piss mishaps--clean up after yourself, but I won't freak over little messes. But like the errant urine, the vomit was surpassing my neatness border. The sink was bearing scummy stains.

So I mentioned this stuff, diplomatically, in the e-mail. In his response, he apologized profusely. This led to his replacing the rum bottle, too, although later in his 2 & 1/2-year stay, that newer bottle's contents mysteriously vanished as well.

Oh, and I also made my One-Time Expert Offer in that e-mail.

This Offer has surfaced a mere handful of times in my life. It happens when a friend, acquaintance, family member, what-have-you shows strong signs of battling an addiction. Mainstream society trumps out an intervention at this point, but mine is far less intrusive and, honestly, those interventions, like the 12-Step witch doctorism behind them, rarely work.

I point out the unmistakable signs of the addiction--in this case, the vomit, puke, vanishing liquor, etc.

I go out of my way to explain that it's none of my business, although I do explain why it's enough of my business that I'm mentioning it--don't want to clean up after a grown man, liquor's expensive, etc.

Then I say something on the order of, other than the reasons that make it my business, I don't care what you do, it's your right to booze/use all you want--and in fact maybe I'm wrong about the addiction thing. (In fact, I phrase it carefully enough that I don't even use the A-Word.) People go through phases, blah blah blah.

And I mention, in so many words, that one can straighten out such a problem on their own (quitting or moderating), that they can use mainstream methods (12-Step groups, rehab, etc.)--or that there are "other" ways, meaning alternative groups that are a LOT different from the likes of AA.

Without going into detail--and there's a LOT of detail (I'm now re-marketing a re-worked version of a whole novel about my negative experiences with rehab)--let's just say that I conquered alcoholism on my own, many moons ago, and did it largely on my own and with help from an "alterative" program, as I found the 12-Step thing to be not only useless, but darkly dangerous to me and those like me.

My trials and tribulations led me to a lot of research into addiction and recovery groups. I even ran some meetings of an alternative group, helping other addicts. Hence, I make my Expert Offer--if you want help, or want me to tell you about some things I know, having been through the problem, let me know. I won't badger you about it, but the Offer's out there. Thus, a One-Time Offer, though good indefinitely.

Although I didn't mention it in the e-mail, I also couldn't help overhearing Cleveland's end of various phone conversations. Him saying things like, "Now that I don't drink anymore" and also dialogue showing signs of possibly booze-related trouble, such as an employee comp case with a former employer. So I also mentioned that, regardless, I'd keep quiet about his troubles, even going so far as to mention that if he had friends over, I'd be extra cautious not to mention anything even vaguely drinking related (knowing, of course, that addicts often become "double agents," leading apparently different lives when around different folks).

In answer to my alcoholism semi-allegations, Cleveland only said that he was going through "some things" in his life lately.

He never took my up on the Offer.

Then or over the 2 & 1/2 years he stayed...

Coming Next Week--E-Mails to Another Room in the House...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/23/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Well, he's Mike. We recommend you should get to know him, but that's really beside the point, as a poem's supposed to go here, and, well... Next week?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2011:

Of credit reports, say news bearers,

full 80 percent do have errors!

Our whole lives we spend

in slav'ry to them--

and WE must fix their mistakes' terror!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2011:

According to some study-survey-whatever-the-hell, approximately half of Facebook users utilize the site while in the bathroom.

Which, considering the overall content of Facebook... Makes a whole lotta sense...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2011:

New study finds many are fond

of workin' Facebook...in the John?

Seems strange, but I'll say,

it goes a long way

toward 'splainin' most content thereon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2011:

They send us into a should-be "optimistic" New Year, kicking things off with taking down the Christmas decorations...into the shittiest weather of the year...your freakin' team is eliminated from the NFL playoffs... Best we can say now is--

Today marks 11 months 'til Christmas!...

(Sigh...oh, sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2011:

It's well known--awards shows? Cred nixed!

Stars' ego-masturb'tory kicks!

Now ex-pub high rolla'

sues Globes--claims payola!

What's next? Suit say'n' pro wrestling's fixed?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2011:

Emceed a music/variety show recently on a day where the temperature never rose above single digits.

Chief Limericist checking in here.

I went outside the bar for a smoke and gazed at the moon. The air was so clear and crisp, the moon so bright and it was just... Well, beautiful. But I felt as if I were the only person on earth enjoying the view.

It got me to thinking about a photographer I'd read about. His thing was photographing views that few people saw. Like the beach of Lake Michigan, in Chicago, during January and February.

And it all got me to pondering how some of the most beautiful sights are those we're least likely to take in--and if we do somehow end up taking them in, as I did while having a smoke, we rush them and don't fully appreciate the majesty.

Geez.

Quite unlike the typical news nugget/snide entry here, I know.

I suppose a snarky conclusion could be reached from all this, but I'm on a sap roll right now...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 1/26/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte's...

...Spacing-out looking at one of the views we mentioned above, apparently... He'll chime in next week...

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2011:

Read of "star" described in this way--

a "Paris Hilton protege"!

Some Kardashian...

If her, I would plan

to leave that one off resume!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2011:

First, we read about a lawsuit against Taco Bell, alleging the use of "fillers" in its "all beef," which the neo-Mexican franchise denies.

In the same newspaper's "Food" section, we find news of a niche segment of the populace enjoying...raccoon meat.

Hmmm...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2011:

Moon crisp, bright, grandiose... Nature's Greatness!

Shore shines, sculpted ice, where the lake hits...

Seems that Nature's art

most tugs at the heart

when/where too cold to 'preciate it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Breast Implants Could Put Women At Increased Risk Of Rare Cancer"

Shocking! Who could've possibly forethunk it! Placing plastic balls permanently into one's body can cause harm?

Cue the lawyers!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 1/28/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bastards!...

...Screechin' ass-bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2011:

A lucky young fella named Paco

met chick salsa group--no muchachos.

He practiced with band

could not play--lent hand

with salsa for all their fish tacos!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2011:

Are there awards shows for televangelists?

And if so, are they plagued by allegations of "prayola"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2011:

Disgruntled dude, Taco Bell's suin',

claiming "all beef's" isn't quite true'n!

Strange--on this reflectin'

saw paper's "Food" section

'bout new trend toward eating...raccoon?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2011:

You know what we really need more of?

More cable stations filling more slots with "Family Guy."

Really. It's SOO hard to find that awful show anywhere on my cable dial.

And while we're at it, let's give that no-talent hack MORE shows to craft outta the same lame-o formula...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/30/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Five--E-Mails to Another Room in the House

Despite Cleveland's bathroom messes, which continued throughout his stay (most being minimal), I must say that he was relatively little trouble, especially considering the potential trouble roommates of any sort bring. There was no excess noise, late or otherwise. There weren't boisterous visitors. He wasn't dealing drugs, or a pyromaniac, and while his rent was late a couple of times, and a check-bounce occurred once, he was responsible with his financial end of the bargain...at least until the very end.

Which is commendable, all things considered, over a two and a half-year stay.

Considering the other travails I'd experienced with renting my condo's spare rooms, I continually reminded myself that I had it good with Cleveland. But... Well, as the title of this long-winded tale indicates, he was so damn CREEPY.

That Offer I'd made, regarding advice on addiction and such, was done via e-mail because that was the best way of communicating with him for many reasons--despite him living in the same freakin' condo as I.

Yes, as previously mentioned, he was keeping odd hours. His school and work obligations weren't odd--school was mornings/days, work was afternoons/early evenings, no third-shift or anything. As best I could tell--most everything I "know" about him is speculation--he had insomnia problems, partially due to the boozin'.

But he was also... Well, for one it seemed he was boozed-up most of the time, so it's better to put stuff in writing when you don't know one's mental state and conversational/memory acumen. Especially considering it ties into legalities, with a real estate lease and all. And he appeared to be avoiding any contact.

Since he was a former dancer, livin' high with the cultured crowd, one might think he was being egotistical. That it was above him to get too chummy with me. But not only am I a bit cultured myself--having edited an artists' newspaper, been known on the poetry and performance scenes--but he seemed more... Ashamed. Oh, on some level it might be as simple as, "I'm loaded, don't wanna get to close to anyone who might smell it," but... His response to my offer was apologetic in an "I'm ashamed of myself way." And the way he'd come home, while I was watching TV or something, and head to his room, near hugging the corner as he turned, averting his eyes... Shame.

I'll admit that I don't like confrontation. I myself prefer e-mail to phone calls or other means, even from friends. But... There were times that I'd force myself to actually wait for the opportunity to DISCUSS something with Cleveland. And I'd feel I should do that more often but, conferring with myself objectively, e-mail truly WAS the best way to communicate with this joker who lived in the same home as I.

I lived with him for two and a half years. And I feel like I hardly know the guy. Struck up a few semi-personal conversations during stuff like, say, a team effort to window-up the air conditioners for summer but... At some point, I gave up. He never even commented on the copious Christmas decorations. I wasn't expecting a full critique, praise... Just, "Wow, you went all out." Something. Anything. It's one thing, and his right, to be intensely private. But... Sheesh.

My theory became--Cleveland had previously led the swanky life and was a celebrity, if mostly local and within a certain realm. Now he was too old to continue in dance, booze was an avenue to deal with the lifestyle change, life now looked a whole lot less exciting and booze, in turn, made that life worse, making him ashamed of himself and... Yup.

Events yet to unfold would only bolster that theory...

Coming Next Week--The Mountain of Mail...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/30/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Getting to surfaces before I get to surfaces

 

The top of the emergency exit door

casually dripped water on me

for the last 20 minutes

of the flight into Memphis.

 

The attendant explained

that it was just condensation

from the ventilation system.

 

Maybe,

but it was no comfort.

 

Getting too close to

no shield,

the naked, wheeling sky.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2011:

Chick who breast implants are embracing

take note--can cause cancer! Amazing?

Makes logical sense--

unless ambulance

is what you make your living chasing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2011:

Watching the Pro Bowl... Methadone... Pro Bowl... Methadone... Potato... Pot-ah-to...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.