Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2011:

Iran's on the space program case--

soon sending a...monkey to space!

Most nations send people--

symbolically equals

in modern world, its culture's place!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2011:

Whoo boy.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

What an awful month June was for me.

I was hospitalized with a killer infection, M'Lady moved-out, although we're still in some limbo where we're "together"... Won't bore you with details. Or excite you with details, if the turmoil of others is your thing.

So I've been thinkin' a lot about how I just don't like summer. Bad things always seem to happen then.

Most times a chick's broken up with me? Summer. Medical ailments as of late? Seem to strike in the summer. Crazy roommates act up? Yup.

Part of it goes back to being a kid. As a bookish sort, without the structure of school and related activities, summers always seemed a little lonely.

But I DO like the seasons. Have been trying to focus on barbecue, Fourth of July upcoming... Then, the other day, I saw the simplest of things that had me happy about summer.

Well, semi-happy.

A firefly.

(Sigh.)

Perhaps we should change the title of this section to Sappin' and Yappin'...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/1/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: We're Mad as Hell...

...(That nobody's taking on this column)...and we're not gonna take it anymore...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2011:

With gay soldiers now in the mix

let's face it--some will join for kicks!

Though most will act pro

at times the gay flow

will stake-out some camps as, "Fort Dicks"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2011:

It's that time of the year for... Well, "Fun Runs."

One of the biggest misnomers in the history of misnomers.

Near Orwellian...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2011:

Hospitalized; chick says, "So long!"

At once, all that can, just goes wrong!

Life's strifes aren't wielded

one-by-one to deal with--

but like a country-Western song!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy... Independence Day Eve!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/3/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Umm...

As much as I can't wait to finish this sprawling freakin' tale... Let's just say that my life's become a country/western song lately... Hope to return next week...

Coming Next Week--The Visitor from Memory Lane...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/3/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Playing with fireworks, we think... Whatever you do, don't try that at home, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2011:

As fireworks filled Holiday air

a slut felt a patriot flare!

Fourth of July breeze...

She dropped to her knees

and basked in a "rocket's"...white glare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day!...

And if you're not a U.S. citizen... Happy Extra Cheezy July 4!...

Or 4 July, or however you silly Europeans format dates...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2011:

You've got food in teeth--need it lost!

Use tooth floss--it's simple, low-cost!

But what if it's FLOSS stuck

in teeth? Are you out luck?

For how can you um, floss, er, floss?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2011:

Since we put this edition together on July 4, Independence Day... Happy Extra Cheezy July 5!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2011:

Molester bait--'nother kid bites.

One more celeb fades from limelight

from ill-thought Twit blunder...

How'd we live sans wonder

brought by social networking sites?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2011:

So MySpace was sold at a huge loss for $35 million.

$35 million's a huge loss?

$35 million for MySpace?

The mere concept of actually buying, not to mention even logging-on to, MySpace?

This goes way beyond trying to out-retro your friend who bought the leisure suit...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/6/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Is perhaps hiding out along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, for all we know?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2011:

A mugger was killed in Chi-Town

by off-duty cop dressed as...clown?

Lose cop slant, I say,

tale could bring "hooray"

with "villain" and "hero" switched 'round!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2011:

A crime run-down in a local rag brings news of an 18-year-old shot on the South Side by a gunman...on a bike.

A pedal-by shooting?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2011:

Now's season for fun 'neath the sun!

But also time for those "fun runs"!

Term's Orwellian--stunning!

Because, really, running's

near top way that fun is undone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2011:

Okay, we all know the Peanuts thing, so let's try this take--

Unhappiness Is... Finding out you're no longer engaged to be married...(which brings enough unhappiness)...through freakin' Facebook...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/8/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Does Nobody Out There...

...KNOW how to entertain themselves? Is that the problem here?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2011:

For safety of fireplace to keep

young Shelly hired a chimney sweep.

While workin' the brush

he ogled her tush--

and left her TWO "chimneys" probed deep!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2011:

Yesterday night, here in the City of Chicago, it just so happened that Katy Perry and Britney Spears performed in competing concerts at separate venues.

Thus, of course, some members of the media couldn't help but indulge a "Katy vs. Britney" theme.

In our semi-humble opinion... Though she's longer in the tooth--and don't hold that slimy observation against us, considering we're talking mindless pop tarts... Well, Britney. Hands-down.

On all counts, Britney Spears trumps Katy Perry.

Or perhaps we should say Britney TRAMPS Katy...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2011:

Tech Age pers'nal dealings--the pace cooks!

But each one deserves case-by-case look!

Folks, use old school tact in

human interaction--

you DON'T dump somebody through Facebook!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times/Gannett News Service headline--

"Kids Big on Sugary Drinks: Study"

Alright.

We've been avoiding mentions of dumb-ass studies for quite some time.

Easy targets--and everybody knows that studiers of things are taking grant money to "prove" things that the rest of the common-sense world already considers "proven" but... Good Elvis.

C'mon, studiers of things. We know you're dying to do it. Just get it over with. Take a few hundred thousand bucks from some idiot foundation and confirm that the freakin' sky is blue...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/10/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twenty-One--The Visitor from Memory Lane

Over Cleveland's entire 2 & 1/2-year stay, he had two visitors, that I'm aware of anyway, and judging by his general lifestyle... I don't think I missed a lot.

Actually, he had three, if you count his father staying and helping when he eventually moved out.

So while I eventually stopped hoping for Cleveland to regularly entertain hot dancer chicks, his visitors made things more exciting.

The first... We'll call him Guy. To protect the anonymous and innocent, of course, but also because I forget the dude's name.

Cleveland told me ahead of time, a day or so, that Guy'd be staying for a few days. A weekend-plus type of thing. Old friend, he said. Boyfriend of an ex-boyfriend or some such, here from Germany, although he had a British accent. (Native Brit living in Germany or something, having went to college or whatnot in the States? Something like that.)

For his brief stay, Guy always said "Hello" and "Goodbye." He made civil small talk, ala, "What are you doing this weekend?" or, "Looks like we'll finally have nice weather tomorrow." He was also thoughtful, commenting on the surroundings, ala, "It must be nice to relax in front of that fireplace on winter nights like these."

I initially thought, "That guy's really friendly and outgoing." But upon further mulling... Well, he was just NORMAL--I'd become accustomed to living with CreepLush. Okay, Guy was probably extra friendly and courteous, compared to the average cat, but I found myself wishing HE were my roommate instead.

When Cleveland first informed me that a visitor would be arriving, I dreaded it. More waits for the bathroom, the potential for late-night noise, etc. To the contrary--he kept Cleveland out and about, busy. Yeah, I would've tired of two housemates long-term, and they did touristy things that you can only do so much of but... Well, damnit, for a few days, it felt the way a roommate/renter situation SHOULD feel. Everybody active, not necessarily full-on "friends" but checking-in with one another... Yeah.

Guy's stay also brought further evidence to support my theories as to why Cleveland was...you know. I overheard much of an exchange in which Guy talked Cleveland into playing some old videotapes of Cleveland's dancing days. Also overheard Guy say, "You actually ATTENDED the Tony's?" to which Lushy replied, "TWICE!"

A sad, sad fall from the Limelight to...this.

Speaking of theories, there was also confirmation that Cleveland had various "versions" of his reality told to various groups of friends--mostly regarding drinking and drinking-related matters.

That is, his pride wouldn't allow him to admit a drinking problem to most others, even when he was sober (although, of course, it was very hard for me to tell what type of period he was in at any one time). This from a guy who's Pride Switch was completely on "off" when blaring gay porn at all decibels or... Go figure.

So, as most non-addict friends would do upon hitting the town together after a long absence, Cleveland and Guy had more than a few drinks.

And I overheard Guy asking, toward the end of his stay, "Why does your stomach keep bothering you so much? Maybe you should look into that"...

Coming Next Week--Falling Through the Floor After Hitting Bottom...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/10/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Aww, how the hell do we know what's up with Boom? We've got enough to worry about ourselves...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2011:

Some folks bought MySpace--what a hoot!

For $35 million, to boot!

J. Timberlake, pals? Uh...

For kitschy nostalgia--

much cheaper to buy leisure suit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2011:

Ever notice that people in sitcoms constantly have coffee mugs?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2011:

Though this time, we've passed on the buzzin',

tell friends and fam--even your cousins...

Daily Lim'rick--hear, hear--

has reached yet one more year

of service! This marks dirty dozen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2011:

Yup... Today's Daily Limerick's 12th Birthday!

We usually do a countdown or something. Which, of course, was more exciting up until we reached 10 years.

Maybe for our 15th?...

Maybe even next year when, Gods willing, the Chief Limericist's life won't be a country-Western song for the celebration?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2011:

Both Perry and Spears, same show date-y!

Spurs question--who's top pop-tart lady?

All hail Britney! Hands down!

I'd say she trumps that clown--

but's best to say... Britney TRAMPS Katy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2011:

Yesterday was Daily Limerick's Sorta Grand 12th Anniversary.

And we put together today's edition yesterday.

So there's your damn content...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/13/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Some Good Fowl Play

You've heard of the Italian beef, but have you ever heard of the Italian turkey? Didn't think so. But at Franco's Italian Bakery and Deli in Streamwood Ill., they have not only heard of it, but have perfected it.

The sandwich is just like an Italian beef, but with turkey meat, in an Italian-seasoned turkey au jus. And it is Monte-riffic! Check out the link for pics and info on how to find Franco's.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2011:

The congrats continue to pour in...okay, trickle in regarding Daily Limerick's 12th Anniversary--

> Happy birthday, Daily Limerick! And on a personal note,

> I hope things look up for you soon, Sloop.

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

And regarding things looking up... Well, they already are. On some levels. In fact, REALLY looking up on some levels while, er, really looking DOWN on others... Much like watching a tennis match turned vertical...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2011:

As proof things grow better, not worse, kids

in the Women's Movement's war versus

the Good Ol' Boys guys--

when hospitalized

my doctor did out-hot the nurses!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2011:

"Most Viewed" online headline from the Chicago Sun-Times--

"Man Tells Judge Why He Was Driving Blind"

Well.

At least he wasn't texting...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2011:

Some find her hot. To me, seems perv-ous.

Thought of her, Pres'dent, makes me nervous.

Like flasher--with ignorance!

Please try post office stint

babe, if you crave public service!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2011:

Food blogs.

Kinda like the Web's version of forensic-happy TV shows.

Anybody else get the idea that there are more food bloggers than people reading food blogs?

Have we isolated the Internet version of poetry open mics?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/15/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: At This Point...

...We're only keeping this section in the hopes that we'll soon break some Guinness Book record for longest standing, content-less feature... Ass-thumbs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2011:

Midnight's met'rologic'lly deemed

halfway through this summer of steam.

Help me mark it here--

whip out the Shake-speare

and let loose mid-summer night's cream!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2011:

Funny how the only time you're approached with the endangered art of customer service in this day and age is when you're buying something like, say, anti-diarrhea medication...

Happy Extra Cheezy Halfway Through Meteorological Summer Day!...

Yes, that's halfway through the Godawful, God Forsaken, Satan-Infested Summer of 2011 (not to be a bummer or anything)...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2011:

Read of a new food blog! So... Yikes!

One more foodie's likes and dislikes?

For each 10 expressin'...

One reader, I'm guessin'?

They're like Internet's open mics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2011:

What's actually up and working less frequenty--the average city worker, or...freakin' Twitter?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/17/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twenty-Two--Falling Through the Floor After Hitting Bottom

There's a concept in the realm of addiction known as, "hitting bottom."

The idea is that, while addicts will continue to drink/use even as the drink/drugs cause mounting problems in their lives, each addict has a personal "bottom" which, upon hitting, finally causes them to decide, "That's enough--time to sober up."

The average drunk allows his/her life to become quite fucked-up before they throw in the intoxication towel--a DUI, job loss, divorce/separation/serious relationship strain is usually not enough for the average bottom. Most need a combination of these and other things, or multiple instances of any, before they leap on the ol' Wagon.

There are also those with extreme bottoms. The "high bottom" addict, for instance, perhaps just freaks after blacking-out a couple times and is scared into sobriety. (Of course, most slip up on and off after the initial decision to sober-up, even sometimes after years of sobriety...but that's another topic.) A "low bottom" alkie might need to end up homeless or imprisoned, hospitalized with liver troubles and completely alone in life to change his/her ways. And then there are those with perhaps "no bottom," who will keep up the booze regardless of any troubles it causes.

As a former crock myself, and unofficial student of addiction, Cleveland made for an interesting case study. Probably near average, bottom-wise. Assuming he's sober today, or has been mostly sober, anyway.

Boozing may or may not have played a part in the end of his dancing career. Likewise, it may have been a factor in the workers comp drama I overheard cell phone snippets regarding. (Again, like most everything about him, confirmed facts are lacking.) In any event, however, nearing 40, his dancing career was in its twilight, anyway.

While Lush Boy never made clear his class schedule, nor his work schedule for the school or catering/culinary temp gigs--purposefully, I believe, as he knew he'd likely fuck-up and wanted to keep all that secretive--he seemed to miss quite a few classes and work slots. Trying to figure things out myself, for example, I'd note, "Okay, he works Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday...but wait--he didn't leave the house this Tuesday."

I also overheard his cell conversations about teachers "picking on him," some hubbub over possible plagiary, excuses for missing engagements, etc. Not to mention that his overall coursework was supposed to go 10 months and it went on much longer than that...not that he, of course, filled me in on much of anything.

All factors considered, the only thing that surprised me about this was that he somehow landed a gig at the cooking school as a teacher's assistant. Those positions are usually reserved for the most exemplary of students. My only theory is that a strategic blowjob was involved.

Throw in the puking, irregular eating, gay porn blaring and utter lack of a life and it's still a potpourri of troubles that won't form an average bottom. Having been there, I know Cleveland was at a level where one can still mostly function and the fuck-ups?... They can even be written-off as rebel cred.

Hell, I'll even cop to the fact that, were I able to continue at that fuck-up-rebel stage indefinitely, I'd likely STILL be drinking.

Sure, there are heavy drinkers, even total fuck-ups, who live their entire lives with a stable and regular intoxication level. But for the actual addict, things tend to continually worsen.

Even the most sober among us will, say, forget to lock the door upon leaving the house. But you start to wonder when somebody leaves the front door wide open upon leaving. And perhaps everybody's allowed even a big fuck-up like that once in a great while, but Cleveland left the door wide open twice within a month (that I know of) and also preheated an oven and forgot about it for hours... Yes, we all fuck-up. But a preponderance of fuck-ups goes beyond normal and makes you, yourself, a fuck-up. And there's usually a preventable cause to that.

These are just a few concrete examples I can give as to what was occurring with Cleveland. Yes, he was secretive and all along had been fucking-up copiously but, in every way, things seemed to be rapidly declining. Less "semi-active Cleveland," frequently leaving his room for cocktail ice and bathroom breaks, and more, "Is he home?" Cleveland.

Then, while, again, it was always hard to tell, it seemed almost certain that Lushy hadn't been home in a few days. Knowing he'd left town for a job interview before and such, I indulged a state of mere semi-worry.

Cleveland, Sr. again phoned me.

"Is Cleveland home yet? Sorry to bother you again, he doesn't always call me back."

I indicated that I didn't THINK he was home...and didn't know he was officially "away," either.

"Yeah, he's been in the hospital. I think he'll be okay and all. He has some problems with his pancreas and, occasionally, he'll have a drink or two and that aggravates it."

A drink or two? Occasionally?

"He's been in the hospital a couple times over it since he's lived with you."

Hmmm.

So although the puzzle that was The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room would never be complete, more pieces were falling into place.

And while the drama was becoming darker and tougher to just laugh at, it was still that--just drama, quite a bit removed from me, not affecting me significantly.

Yet as he continually spiraled toward his theoretical bottom, that was about to change...

Coming Next Week--Kicked In the Wallet...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/17/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: No matter how we adjust

 

Each screen comes up

blue and blank,

no matter how we adjust

the rabbit ears.

 

Shopping this morning,

we had to put back

the raisins and vanilla,

and other items.

 

We joke about jumping

off the bridge,

as some have done lately,

but do not have the gas.

 

But laughter, huge

wells of it, is free;

 

we just laugh and

laugh and laugh and

laugh and laugh and

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2011:

Well known, many gov. workers fritter

on-clock time 'way--taxes down shitter!

It's anyone's guess

whose up, working less--

bad government workers or... Twitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2011:

We at Daily Limerick are having the hardest time purchasing Cialis.

And while we're at it, we can't seem to find a good deal on Rolex watches.

Wish it were as simple as checking e-mail to get a bunch of offers.

(Sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2011:

Sad--so common, news near seems suiting.

Chi-Town, South Side, killings and lootings.

Yet a news tale tickled--

man shot from...bicycle?

That's new one--a pedal-by shooting?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2011:

The government of the town of Cicero, a Chicago border town that manages to be even more corrupt than the Windy City, is under fire for $500,000 in questionable purchases--including 250 rubber chickens.

Sheesh. We're used to life providing us plenty of material--bought stories like this even include their own punch line...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2011:

Newspaper biz watching has shown

me it's Death By Internet prone.

New first--"Auto" pull-out

out-paged Sun-Times' full count!

Biz hits new tombstone...er, milestone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2011:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Okay, I've certainly bitched and moaned enough about what a Godawful summer I'm having. Likewise, concerning the fact that summer seems to be the slated time for misfortune, at least in my life.

But in talking with others, I'm not alone in that experience.

Which got me to thinking... Okay, maybe you don't believe in it, 100 percent and literally, but there's some basis to all myths and legends and... Well, considering it certainly doesn't embody cold, just what season do you think good ol' Hell is modeled after?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/20/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Is There...

...A Monte in the house?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2011:

Perhaps you need help with your phallus?

Or fine watch, to flaunt like a chalice?

But finding--you fail!

Thank God that e-mail

brings rare deals, Rolex and Cialis!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2011:

So pro quarterback Michael Vick, who has revived his career after prison time for his part in a dog-fighting ring, states, amid the hubbub over a new Congressional anti-dog-fighting bill, that, "It's up to parents" to keep kids away from dogfights.

Funny, but we always thought that, unlike the case with, say, excessive candy eating, kids--and human beings in general--kinda naturally LIKED animals.

But... Oh, that's right. Silly us. No such thing as bad apples. Everybody's a victim.

Carry on...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2011:

A study by leading child shrinks

finds that kids like...sugary drinks.

Send ME cash for next grants--

I'll, say, just drop my pants

and "prove" theory that our shit stinks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2011:

Ever notice that with all those "order by phone NOW" ads on TV, there's a, "But wait!..." moment followed by a "order NOW and get a second one FREE!" proclamation?

Seriously. Every single, freakin' one of 'em...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/22/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: ...Is Brought to You by...

...Nobody.

Kinda like its writer...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2011:

Slut Trish was so hot...yet so dumb!

And always, ALWAYS chewing gum!

Could get her to blow ya',

once she got to know ya'--

and after'd, blow bubbles of cum!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2011:

Oh, my... Guess it's time for our annual reminder, shamelessly pilfered from MAD Magazine--

Remember, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2011:

Those shills, "Order NOW!" on TV

aim to surprise with bargain glee.

But who doesn't know

each single one throws

in a second product--"for FREE"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2011:

So Justin Bieber is recording with Chris Brown.

It's rare, but occasionally an artist becomes in fact TOO popular and needs some bad publicity like this...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/24/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twenty-Three--Kicked In the Wallet

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, through the Great Recession, I lived in a perpetual cash crunch. Still do, as I'm writing this.

And considering that Cleveland was my renter/roommate from early 2008 through late 2010, you can imagine how inconvenient it was when he stopped paying rent somewhere around summer of 2010.

Yeah, up until that point, it was easy to just laugh-off Cleveland's lushy shenanigans. Well, perhaps not super easy, considering how depressing the whole situation was but...relatively easy.

It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye, as they say. Or until it hits you in the wallet.

Actually, it's perhaps amazing that he PAID rent up until that point. There was some unknown equation involving some work on his part, money from the parent(s) plus some possible trust fund and/or workers comp dough.

His mother called me one day. His father had called before, as previously related, but this was a new one. She was calling to make sure he was all right, knowing of his drinking battles and used to hearing from him frequently (which wasn't occurring as he hit the skids). She didn't offer to help with the money and I didn't ask. One reason was that she was calling out of legitimate concern for her boy's very life. Another was that I gleaned, from the conversation with her, that it was Cleveland Sr. who was behind the parental support and not her (his parents being divorced).

But Cleveland had reached such a point of debauchery that working was a joke and I THINK he'd boozed himself out of favor with the parent(s). Thus he soon owed me around $2,000.

One month previous, over his two-year stint, he was late with the rent. Got me a portion of it early, it didn't affect me via late fees and such, thus I didn't charge him the lease's allotted penalty, and he shelled-out the full amount in enough time to avoid late fees later in that month. So that was fine.

There was only one other like incident previous, in which Cleveland wrote me a rubber check. But he apologized profusely and resubmitted a good check, including the costs of my bounces and fees.

So when he only gave a partial rent at the beginning of...May, was it? June?... In any event, I assumed he'd follow-up with the rest.

Weeks passed with no payments. I started e-mailing and leaving notes. He answered with the equivalent of, "I'm working on it."

This went on and on for most the final leg of his stay. I asked where the money was, he said, "It's coming"... Until he finally informed me, "There's no way I can possibly pay you now but, trust me, eventually you'll get all of your money."

I sorta threatened eviction, but my honest, do-gooder nature interfered with the severity of the threats. Early on in the personal financial crisis, I leveled with him. "Honestly, I probably won't evict you. Hey, eviction is costly, the tenant is legally allowed to get behind a few months, it can take forever for the cops to show even when a judgment is entered... But I'm just a guy who can't afford his condo without renting part of it, not some multi-unit landlord, and you're really putting me in a bad spot." You know, appealed to his human nature.

Human nature aside, you can't get Grape Crush from a rock. I wasn't sure what to do. Even if I WERE to sue, it was obvious that he owed banks, and everybody plus his brother, money, so court proceedings would leave me as one of the last creditors in line. I did threaten eviction ("It's getting so bad maybe I WILL try it after all") but it was toothless snarling.

I could only await the end of his lease and hope money would come. And worry about how I'd boot him if it ran out and he was still on the premises. (He was in no state to be apartment hunting.)

While I started the snarling, he still showed remarkable audacity in snarling back. With all the complaints one could have about Cleveland, he'd always been courteous and forthright up to that point. Yet his replies to my inquiries now turned snippy and he began denying lush-related behavior.

The very first time I called him on errant bathroom piss and puke stains in the sink, he copped to liquoring-up. ("I've been going through some...things lately.") Apologized, offered to clean-up, avoid the problem in the future, etc.

During the crunch, of course, the bathroom mishaps were increasing. Knowing his sorry state, I mostly found it easiest to just clean-up myself. But once I called him on a veritable puddle in the bathroom and he claimed that he'd "spilled Gatorade," but that it was late, so he didn't clean-up... Likely story.

I'd taken to calling Mr. Cleveland Rushmore "Lushmore"--not to his face and mostly only to M'Lady. (Remember, this isn't his REAL name, nor my REAL nickname for him, but his real last name lent itself to an alkie pun as well.) But I did call him that, at this point, to his face...or his e-face, anyway.

Frustrated and desperate, one day I burst into his room. Yelled at him. Asked if he "planned to just keep boozing here without paying another penny." Asked if he was working on a new place to stay, as I sure as hell wasn't renewing his lease. (And he knew that, as plans for M'Lady to move-in were related to him well ahead of time.)

He said he was "working on" the money. And that he DID have somewhere to go post-lease. He was so crocked, of course, that he could barely slur-out the words.

It was especially hard to take his claims of a post-lease place to live seriously, as he'd otherwise appeared to be letting his whole life grind to a screeching halt...

Coming Next Week--Maybe Suicide Attempt No. 2...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/24/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Is clinging to his air conditioner for his very life... Next week?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2011:

Tween God Justin Bieber is... Gee.

Recording with Chris Brown! That'd see

handlers freak, cry, "Devil!"

But he's on rare level

where can use bad publicity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2011:

Now, Bruce Jenner came to fame as a U.S. Olympic competitor, a champion among champions, veritable master of his form, a hero for a generation and still on the books as one of the all-time greatest.

Saw a TV listing refer to him recently as, "reality star Bruce Jenner."

We'd comment, but it makes a great commentary on pop culture as-is...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2011:

Man driving...while blind? News was vexing!

Just how... Oh, my brain muscle's flexing!

Near beyond belief

yet it's a relief--

at least wasn't driving while...texting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2011:

University of Utah researchers have found that people tend to eat less when they use a smaller fork.

Sheesh.

Are we going to explore every single antidote to the obesity epidemic except?... Well, except proven, yet primitive and barbaric, methods like... Oh, say diet and exercise?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2011:

Common courtesy's taken hit--

and customer service with it!

Need help in retail?

Your efforts will fail--

unless you need meds for the shits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2011:

Now, the "kid version" of a sport, or perhaps the "non athlete" version, is supposed to be less exciting on a spectator level than the professional version. Right?

It wouldn't set any TV viewership records by broadcasting, say, T-ball or flag football games.

But quite honestly, I'd almost sorta consider watching pro mini-golf whereas actual golf... Well.

Having trouble with our witty news nugget capper here.

'Fore!?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 7/27/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hmmm...

...Hmmm, indeed...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2011:

Most non-pro sport takes ain't inviting

to watch--flag football, say...I ain't biting.

Yet "real" golf's such a snooze

on TV, I might choose

some mini-golf--far more exciting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2011:

There's actually yet another rumor floating about that Brett Favre may yet again un-retire from professional (American) football.

This guy's the freakin' Elvis Presley of athletic careers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2011:

Today, surgery's bill of fare--

outpatient blocked sinus repair.

Just hope anesthesia does

bring a wild pleasing buzz--

'least 'til sure post-op pain flares!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2011:

Sun-Times gossip columnist Bill Zwecker reported earlier this week that, in reaction to the death of Amy Winehouse, many show biz bigwigs are contemplating a "zero tolerance" policy toward drugs and booze, much like pro sports and corporate America.

So, what? Drug testing? Which is really only reliable toward one drug, making it an ideal antidote to the countless marijuana overdoses that are always in the news?

And now? When musicians will be more than willing to put up with bullshit from a recording industry so they can...starve to death, what with the Pirating Open Season and all?

That's all it would've taken for a Winehouse, or Cobain, or Hendrix to sober up? They wouldn't just turn to fast food to pay the bills, or worse?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/29/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: As an Old High School Pal of Mine Used to Say...

...Eat shit and die...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2011:

A fella on the surgeon's clock

felt stir 'neath his hospital smock.

His wood was so stokin'

it near started smokin'--

he hickory-dickoried doc!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2011:

Al-Qaida only wishes they could inflect half the terror on the American public as Big Healthcare...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2011:

Each summer, for me's, full of woe.

Break-ups, health concerns, crunch for dough...

What season is Hell?

From what legends tell...

Sure as shit don't talk much of snow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2011:

We admittedly didn't know anything about the guy, but now we'd like to look into the life and work of recently deceased Ifti Nasim.

You think YOU'RE shunned? (C'mon. I know there's a lot of artsy fucks who read DL.)

Try being, like Nasim, a Gay Pakistani Muslim...and a freakin' POET on top of it!...

Psst!

If you know any retail manager types, whatever you do, don't mention that today at sundown marks the start of Ramadan!

They don't need much excuse to whip out the freakin' tree and lights--and I'm already noticing the blasphemous bastards selling borderline Halloween candy (those candy corn-like pumpkins)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/31/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twenty-Four--Maybe Suicide Attempt No. 2

Some might find it cruel that I label both of Cleveland's suicide attempts as "maybe" suicide attempts.

But I have my reasons.

For one, they say most suicide attempts are really a cry for help, which means that every "attempt" falls along a certain spectrum from "probably REALLY gonna off himself" to "probably not in any real danger of death." Not to be insensitive. Although maybe that is.

Secondly, Cleveland told me to my face, for both of these, that people were "overacting," that it wasn't any real suicide attempt. In fact, in each instance, I also heard him telling others on his cell the same thing.

Now, maybe, for reasons of pride and such, he felt he HAD to say that but... In any event, the evidence points toward that "probably not in any real danger" end of the suicide attempt spectrum.

Thirdly... Well, after all of his unnecessary secretiveness and the discourteous nature of his keeping me on the dark on everything, again, I just didn't LIKE the guy and tended to give him the opposite of the ol' "benefit of the doubt"--thus read it as a big, drama queen cry for attention. It didn't help that he also owed me buckets of money.

Of course, I tried to be objective, set those things aside and focus on the fact that somebody's very LIFE was a stake here (possibly, anyway) but... All things considered, my read on the "attempt" stayed the same.

By this point, I'd become strangely accustomed to living in a perpetual state of wonder as to whether he was home, awake, alive, what-have-you. And while his life was spiraling downward in every conceivable way, I could only go about my business and try NOT to think about the Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room.

Late one night, someone buzzed my door. Usually, that's somebody buzzing the wrong buzzer (most visitors call ahead and, sadly, my social life lacks), and I was almost in bed, so I ignored it. The buzzing started anew once I was physically in bed, so I eventually answered the damn buzzer.

When I answered, it sounded like a complicated reason for a visit, although I couldn't make-out much of the words through the crappy audio of the buzzer speaker. But I did hear Cleveland's name mentioned, so I went downstairs to the door.

It was a good thing I answered the call when I did. It was two, three friends of Cleveland's, concerned about his welfare. They said they were almost ready to call a cop to break-in to the place. There was already an ambulance on the street.

Seems Cleveland posted something on Facebook that cried... Well, it cried, "Maybe suicide."

The busybody president of my condo board was outside, too, thanks to the ambulance and all the hubbub. Perhaps Cleveland's friends were buzzing others. I don't know. But the condo board folks are big on keeping things around there quiet and such, plus they frown on troublesome renters in the units--and there are many other reasons I'm on thin ice with those folks, which I won't go into here.

I just told Cleveland's friends to come on in. Knock on his room door. I could've done so, but I was hoping against hope that maybe he'd just reassure them he was okay and they'd be gone. Send the ambulance away, bring the hubbub to a grinding halt.

They talked with Cleveland. Eventually he went out to the ambulance, but not for long. Perhaps he ingested some drugs as part of the maybe suicide and they checked his particulars.

But I sat and waited outside a while, apologized to the board president. Cleveland exited the ambulance, profusely apologized to me and maintained it was all a "silly misunderstanding"...and that was that.

I didn't ask for more details. Didn't even strain my ears to hear extra details via his post-drama cell calls, as I had done for most of his stay.

I'd almost given up on piecing together the mystery that was Cleveland.

But clues would still find a way of appearing to me...

Coming Next Week--A Hint as to Where He's Moving From Here...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/31/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Notes on language learning

 

At a very early level

of Japanese language study,

he paused at the phrase

"Nihon no natsu wa

mushiatsui desu."

 

Not much of a sentence.

Roughly translated:

"Summers in Japan are humid."

 

But the gentle tap of ns in

Nihon no natsu, like bug's

feet on skin,

 

the wet net of steam

swirling in the

baking street of

mushiatsui,

 

were immersive,

impressive

enchantments.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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