Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2011:

A lawyer named Gooch says case ain't

free of court distraction--there's taint

'cause lawyer foe's trusty

par'legal's too...busty?

Wish I had such workplace complaints!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2011:

There's a reason "June" rhymes with "poon"!...

(And there's a reason we're kicking June off to such a craptastic start, content-wise, but as the bad comics put it... Don't get us started!)...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/1/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Bird Word

Broilers Flip! The only place I know of in the city of Chicago where you can find a half-chicken dinner--that's right, half, not a quarter-chicken--for under $6. Plus it comes with rice, garlic bread, coleslaw and rice!

Check out the link for the details on where to find this meal and to see pics.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2011:

Patriot Act renewed--it lives!

ONE "nay" vote--GOP? What gives?

Oxford Dictionary?

Where's new defs--don't tarry--

for "lib'ral" and "conservative"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2011:

You know what we need more of?... Besides a cure for sinus allergies and related infections that puff-up your face, make you walk around like a zombie and pen crap content for, say, your Web site?

Anyway... You know what we need more of, TV show-wise? More talent shows! Especially those focusing on singers and dancers.

Really. There are far from enough of them.

Oh, and Hollywood folk? Make 'em, you know, more talent CONTESTS than shows. The type of thing that a friend would have to drag you to, even if she were performing in it, but that, for some inexplicable reason, people just eat-up when shown on TV?

Yeah. C'mon, Hollywood! There ain't enough freakin' talent shows on the air!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2011:

Kids hurt when blow-up playground slide

Tipped--no major inj'ries; none died...

Near-topped local newscast

while renew'l Congress passed

of Patriot Act? 'Way from, shied!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2011:

So David Coleman Headley (SIC?), a Pakistan-born American Muslim on trial for, among other things, coordinating last year's terror attack in Mumbai, India, is--like every freakin' celebrity, and "celebrity," these days--writing a book.

This book aims to "fix" common stereotypes that non-Muslims have toward those of Islamic faiths.

Does he mean stereotypes like...oh, resorting to violence in the name of "faith"?

Well, guess since al-Qaida's named someone to replace Osama as the Big Cheeze, Headley's not the ABSOLUTE worst spokesman for the cause...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/3/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Keep Watching This Space!...

...For, evidently, perpetual lack of content, we guess...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2011:

Daily Lim missed updates! Boo-hooing?

A first! Hospital! Not, 'round, screwing!

Concerns e'd--bums, lawyers!

I feel like Tom Sawyer

Watching his own funeral doings!

***

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2011:

Hospital stay's...let's say, "bleeping"!

Seek small thrills--nurses! All hours keeping!

Brief wakes 'mid night's slumber

bring half-noted lumber--

for hottest ones shift while I'm sleeping!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2011:

At doors of release, crouched to barge.

The outburst to be? Beyond large!

Hospital, I pray

unchains me today...

I'll soon burst TWO kinds of discharge!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2011:

My wildest, in fantasy, score?

Walking out damn hospital door!

Though "helping profession,"

the vibe here ain't meshin'--

I feel more like pris'ner of war!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2011:

Now, some couples go for a "nooner"--

tear piece off, lunch break--if not sooner!

Warmth hits, flying solo;

skirts high, blouses cut low...

I'll hide out and toss off a "Juner"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4-6/8/2011:

Even the most young (and nubile) of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that Daily Limerick has NEVER missed a day's post.

Oh, it's doubled-up. Even triped-, quadrupled-, quintupled-, etc., up. That is, I've posted, say, a week's worth of Limericks ahead of time, then went on vacation, etc.

In other words, we've never missed a day, limerick-wise, one way or another. (And the vast majority, 99.999 percent or whatever, have come one-per-day, along with the other, um, "features.")

With today's post, we keep our overall limerick-a-day quota up--since July 12, 1999.

But we did miss a day. A few days. Temporary. Suppose it was bound to happen.

We won't go into too many details. Some are related in the Limericks themselves.

A Slappin' and Yappin' gag scrawled in our Chief Limericist's old school notebook--

"One phrase you don't want to hear while med workers are viewing your x-rays in the emergency room is, 'THAT'S weird.'"

And so... Yeah I--Chiefy checked-in, here--hit the emergency room. Killer sinus infection gone terribly, horribly wrong.

Again, I'll spare details. I'm okay. But it turned sinister enough that... Well, read the Limericks.

I did post you the Saturday traditional one at the end, which I'd penned before hitting the ER.

Regarding the special sections from outsiders, namely Mike's on Sunday and Monte's for Wednesday's edition... Give 'em the benefit of the doubt and assume they filed them on time but I couldn't get to them.

Haven't checked e-mail yet. Since Thursday night, actually.

And that task, checking e-mail after five-six days away from it... Well, "sinister" seems to be the best buzzword here, all around...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2011:

When walking my dogs, I don't just scoop

up crap from my own--sometimes, I stoop--

clean mess from lax owners.

Shush anti-pooch moaners...

I call it the Karma of Dog Poop!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2011:

So U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, hard at work at seemingly quiet for a while, has released... My Plate!

See, we used to go by a Food Pyramid, which shows you how many servings of fruits, vegetables, etc. you're supposed to eat each day.

But since people are, you know...well, look around you, it seemed the Pyramid wasn't working and so... Yeah.

Why can't we get jobs like that?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2011:

Real life, most need be dragged to go--

to one. What's non-Hollywood know?

Where's Tinsel Town backing

for TV shows lacking?...

We sure need more damn talent shows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2011:

Concerning the making of a new "Three Stooges" flick--and, while I'm at it, all of Sarah Palin's political endeavors... Why would anybody actually PLAN a train wreck?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/10/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming Soon...

...Aw, who we kidding? A new Slapper Yapper Grasshopper author for this section probably ain't ever coming...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2011:

A fellow felt rather horny

in hospital, hooked to IV.

When nurse, for him, flipped,

felt more than a drip

a'flowin' when nurse hit her knees!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2011:

Introducing a new feature, of sorts, today--with a soon-to-be popular catchprhase--

Headlines--

"Facebook Party Spins Out of Control"

And--

"Food Stamps Illegally Sold on Facebook"

How did we ever survive before the wonderful contributions of social networking sites to society?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2011:

Food Pyramid's long been main slate

of agri-Feds but...ain't worked great!

We've grown freakin' fat

so Shazzam! Fix that

by... Gimmick change now to... My Plate?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2011:

Imagining what other industries might be like if they followed the lead of Big Medical--

"We'll deliver the pizza whenever the hell we want to--and the cost'll be $3,000! We know you want it; so shut yer yap; screw you--and remember, the customer is always freakin' wrong!"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/12/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Well...

...In case you havenn't been paying attention, I was hospitalized through last weekend so... We'll have to wait another week to continue this Tale That Would Not End...

Coming Next Week (God, I freakin' hope to hell nothing else goes wrong)--The Maybe Suicide Call...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/12/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: "2011 Corporate Strategy Meeting"

 

Profit & loss! Profit & loss!

ROI. Revenue, revenue!

Profit & loss! Profit & loss!

ROI. Revenue, revenue!

 

It was the song the publisher sang

as she stood in front of us,

discussing ways to cultivate

sales leads, roughly four hours

into our seven-hour day.

 

Behind her glowed an inspiring slide

of the building we were in.

Michigan corporate headquarters,

each window polished to reflect

the unified front of the sky.

 

At the top-right edge of the frame,

nearly smudged out of focus,

a lone bird perched on the roof.

Its trilling melody very far removed

from multi-sponsorship webinar pricing.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2011:

When spring/summer hits, it's a boon

for girl-watching--morn to 'neath moon!

Chicks show so much skin, cats,

it's hard to believe that

it's mere fluke that "June" rhymes with "poon"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2011:

The intellectual property attorney for '60s/'70s band The Doors, Anthony Keats, is suing a Paris bar for, among other things, utilizing the band's identity to promote messages of which The Doors would not approve, including...the "consumption of alcohol."

Recalling some of the band's lyrics... "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer"... Hmmm.

Maybe the news reports are getting things wrong--translation from French court documents and such, because it seems to us that maybe...he's suing because The Doors have some TRADEMARK on promoting the consumption of alcohol?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2011:

X-rayed, thoughts bring much to be feared.

One phrase that you'd rather not hear?

Emergency room,

as o'er your 'ray's loom

the staff and one utters, "THAT'S weird!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2011:

So e-mails from Sarah Palin's stint as Alaska governor, a public position, after all, have been released to the public.

Released as 24,000 pages, filling six boxes and weighing 250 pounds.

Guess Alaska, with its copious forests, didn't get the e-mail about the whole "paperless office" idea.

Or perhaps they're awaiting the hard copy...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/14/2011:

Hec Moreno responds to yesterday's Limerick via Facebook--

> Pantaloon (in the parlance of our time ,of course)

See, that Limerick mused on how "June" rhymes with "poon" and... Hmmm.

Guess we'll just throw that one in our Bag o' Rhymes... And lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Please don't take that as any recommendation to WEAR pantaloons, especially in this fine skirt weather...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2011:

Alaska has released the e-

mails of Sarah Palin when she

was gov'nor in...printouts?

Guess gov'ment waste wins out

o'er "paperless society"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2011:

Common complaints of government media regulation center on... Well, mergers. Dwindling sources of local news, especially for areas with lower population.

The Feds seem mostly interested in... Well, money. Rich corporation get richer, small ones get vacuumed up.

The vast majority of the public virtually ignores what's going on--until it directly affects their rights.

Which is why this Chicago Sun-Times headline caught our interest--

"Cable Providers Barred from Withholding Sports"

We do, apparently, have our priorities...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/15/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Is still dancing around the Maypole, we think...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2011:

Attorney for band, The Doors, sues

a Paris bar--band's image used.

Says band can't promote drink!

A better suit, I think?

Band's has trademarked booze's abuse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2011:

Since Sarah Palin's obviously itchin' for a good government job, and one at the federal level, we have a suggestion.

We've researched this. Or at least done "research through experience." And in judging the public servants who've held the position historically and how the successful ones operate, along with Palin's skill set and all... Well, how about something with the Postal Service?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2011:

For Pres'dent bid, Palin tours land

with mouth, over brain, in command...

Farrellys remakin'

"Stooges"--God Forsakin'!

Hey guys, train wrecks shouldn't be PLANNED!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2011:

When you get a piece of tooth floss stuck between your teeth... How are you supposed to remove THAT?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/17/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Screw You All...

...Bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2011:

Most guys plagued with a broken heart?

No sex--slate cleaned, new token start.

But best--don't be duped--

prescription? Doc Sloop's--

a strong dose of some smokin' tart!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2011:

After the decisive Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Playoffs was resolved, with the Boston Bruins playing the Vancouver Canucks in a winner-take-all match...Vancouver fans rioted.

Boston won the Cup.

Usually, the winning team's fans riot in these cases but, oddly enough, this makes a helluva lot more sense...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2011:

Post Stanley Cup Finals--a doozer!--

big riots broke out in...Vancouver?

That's usually done

in town where team WON...

But, really, makes more sense for losers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2011:

So U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner (Weiner...he hee) has FINALLY resigned, after Twittin' his tallywacker around the Internet while his wife was freakin' pregnant.

In fact, we're issuing a rare Daily Limerick Unfortunately Uncommon Common Sense Award to his wife, Huma Abedin, for NOT standing by him for the announcement.

That's the only kind of "treatment" Weiner deserves...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/19/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Nineteen--The Maybe Suicide Call

One day I found an interesting piece of paper atop the contents of the bag for paper recycling. Not that I was snooping, but Cleveland never once took out the trash or recycling and so, seeing the document atop, I took a peek.

It contained directions to a hotel in Grand Rapids, Mich. and text from an e-mail indicating that Cleveland was interviewing for a chef position at a hotel.

Nice of him to inform me. He still had plenty of time on a lease. Then again, he was never very good at communicating anything to me.

So Lushy went out of town for the interview and returned, never, of course, even telling me he was leaving. Not that I could generally tell whether he was physically present or not.

My phone rang.

"Hi, this is Cleveland Rushmore, your roommate's dad" did I mention that Lushy was technically a "junior"? "Sorry to trouble you with this but... Is Cleveland up and about?"

I indicated that he didn't seem to be.

"Well, would you mind terribly just knocking on his door? Poking your head into his room? I'm just checking that he's okay. He interviewed for a chef's position in Grand Rapids and didn't get it. I guess he took it pretty hard because a friend of his called me and said that Cleveland called him, all depressed, was talking borderline suicidal... I guess he took a bunch of pills. Knowing him... Well, he probably just got really high, and I'm sure he's okay but... Sorry about this, but can you check on him? Tell him I'm on the line?"

I did. Cleveland woke right up. Talked to his dad. Apologized to me profusely for the "misunderstanding."

Never mentioned this all revolved around him going out of state for a potentially lease-breaking interview.

He'd barely finished chef school at this point but was THAT disappointed about not landing what would seem to be an experienced chef's position?

Oh, I know I shouldn't make too much fun over anything possibly, even borderline suicidal but... Let's just say that while suicide attempts are generally seen as a cry for help and attention... Well, sometimes there's more attention involved that actual seriousness toward doing the deed.

Not that I should question such a thing, I suppose but... Read on, my friends, read on.

He was possibly in more danger over his "unwitting suicide attempts," in any event...

Coming Next Week--The Chili Incident...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/19/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: We are all very excited to be here

 

He shaved off about 40 years of his life

at the company, until he was told

to stop.

 

Packing up his corner office,

he had assumed his job was

a never-ending track that aligned him,

like a model earth facing a model sun,

stars and systems at his back.

 

But his career was not a perfect coil;

it was a spike. Now the calendar

is as blank and open as his waiting,

and the wall.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2011:

What if, thought churns within my head-y,

all biz modeled 'self on Big Medi...

"Pizza? Hundred bucks!

Want quick? Out of luck--

we'll bring it when we're good and ready!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2011:

So al-Qaida's named a new guy to replace Osama bin Laden as the Big Cheeze, Ayman al-Zawahri.

That guy's got some big shoes to...detonate...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2011:

Though Congressman Weiner first tried

the Treatment Card. Now cops--rep's fried!

Now leaves public life.

Award to his wife

for NOT standing by the creep's side!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2011:

Why were the Daytime Emmys broadcast at night?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2011:

There're fright'ningly few out of sorts

o'er media merger reports.

Lost local cov'rage pleas?

Courts, folks have prior'ties--

banned cable from not airing...sports!?!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2011:

After a small terrorist attack in Afghanistan, Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid claimed responsibility for the attach...via text message.

What we really need these days is some form of e-Miss Manners. 'Cause if it's improper to break-up with someone via phone or e-mail, it's sure as hell tacky to lay claim to a terrorist attack via text message...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/22/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Had one too many...mint juleps?...or something...should return next week...we think...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2011:

Osama killed in his abode;

new boss named to manage the load

of al-Qaida's dealings.

Al-Zawahri's feeling

he's sure got Big Shoes to...explode!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2011:

In Chicago, an off-duty cop, who happened to be in full clown costume, killed a mugger.

Clown kills mugger.

Clown...mugger...  This is one of those cases where with only the basic info, the roles of antagonist and protagonist are interchangeable...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2011:

Awards show bait? I just don't bite.

I don't get--try hard though I might...

One question, real fast--

just why was broadcast

of the DAYTIME Emmys at NIGHT?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2011:

They say the camera adds 10 pounds.

We've learned that the hospital gown adds 15 years...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 6/24/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: What's a Four-Letter Word...

...To describe a lazy-assed Slapper Yapper Grasshopper readership that won't answer the call to write a stupid, brief, weekly entry on a fun topic like this?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2011:

A horny old doctor named Besser

saw patient and when she undressed fer

the checkup, felt lusty!

So nubile and busty...

He used his cock as tongue depressor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2011:

As a sign of just how far we've come as a society... When I was recently hospitalized (Chief Limericist checked-in, here), I was expecting to lust after the nurses.

And... Well, can't say I was completely lust-free, but I mostly didn't pay the nurses much mind, other than in a professional client/worker capacity.

But one of my DOCTORS... Weeeeelllll doggies!

You've come a long way, ladies! Now you can be lusted after while performing the same important functions once exclusively meant for men!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2011:

Rep. Weiner, as much as he tried,

could not just let cock-Twitting slide!

His Big Resignation

calls for commendation--

his wife, for NOT bein' by his side!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2011:

Willard Yoder, 26, is charged with sending lewd and sex-seeking text messages to a 12-year-old girl in Indiana.

Unfortunately a run-of-the-mill news nugget these days.

Except for the fact that, when Yoder showed up to woo his underage prey, he arrived in a horse and buggy.

See, Yoder's Amish.

So... Horse and buggy...text messaging.

What the hell do you call this sort of thing? Fair-weather Amish?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/26/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twenty--The Chili Incident

Although he occasionally whipped-up a seemingly complex, fragrant dish and had brought home some tasty pastries made at chef school, I surmised that Cleveland couldn't possibly be a great cook/chef.

For one, the guy barely ate. I suppose there are some great writers, for instance, who don't read much but... One piece of evidence indicating bad chefing, anyway.

Secondly, whenever he ordered pizza, he'd get it from Domino's.

A guy, not originally from Chicago, living in the middle of what's arguably Pizza Central...and going to a CHAIN?

And the Chili Incident?... This incident rivals my previous roommate's follies, the schizo from the halfway house, as a top head-scratcher under the "How could an actual ADULT do that?" file. Especially since Lushy was NOT from a halfway house (although his clinical mental state is open to questioning)--and that he was a schooled chef, knowing more about food than the average guy.

I'm sure, too, there was more than an hour dedicated to food sanitation and such at Cleveland's school.

One day, he made a pot of chili.

As more evidence to his chefing prowess, he used one of those chili-making kits--just add meat.

He ate the chili.

Next day, he ate the chili.

He kept eating the chili. Maybe he missed a day here and there of leftovers, but he kept at it.

He ate much, if not all, that chili. Not sure how much he made, but it appeared to start with at least a couple of pounds of ground beef.

The chili never left the stove.

No refrigeration.

Just let that chili sit out on the stove and kept eating it. For a week or so.

We laughed. ("We" being my friend, fiancé, etc.)

We couldn't believe it.

One almost wanted to say something like, "Why don't you put that chili in the fridge?"

But that seemed ridiculous, too. Like telling a grown man, "It's cold out--wear a coat."

Any adult his age, or much younger, especially a trained chef... Sheesh.

So we were left with theories. Was he so blasted that he'd forgotten when he'd made the chili? Was it a slow, painful form of suicide?

It sorta explained why he almost never had company--at least company over for dinner...

Coming Next Week--The Visitor from Memory Lane...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/26/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Spelled backwards is, "Ekim"...but that's neither here nor there, as there's no edition this week... See ya' next Sunday!...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2011:

A text claimed responsibil'ty

by Taliban for terror spree.

No calls? Face-to-faces?

What we need, these cases?

Miss Manners for terr'ist techies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2011:

Whoo-hoo!

Halfway to Christmas!

Actually, er, as of two days ago.

But be gentle on us. Chief Limercist's life has become a country/western song...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2011:

When summer's new, most give, "Hooray!"

but my fate's oft dark, longer days.

I fight feeling bummer;

enjoy world of summer...

But to Christmas, now past half-way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2011:

We at Daily Limerick, being long-time newspapermen (of sorts, anyway), have lamented the inevitable arrival of this day and all it means for the industry.

We pointed out, a couple/few year ago an instance in which the sections were equal in length but... Okay, no more beatin' around the bush. Goin' straight in--

For our Chicago Sun-Times for Saturday, June 25, 2011, the auto section had more pages than the newspaper proper.

It's a new tombstone.

Er, milestone...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2011:

Sex texts? Minors? Such crimes spur vomit!

But... Amish dude? Buggy got on it!

Hmm... Buggy...but cell...

From what I can tell

that pervert is fair-weather Amish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2011:

Iran plans to send a monkey into space next month as part of its missile-seeking pace program.

While at first this plan seems out of step with other nations' modern space programs, considering the evolution level of Iranian government... A monkey makes more sense than a human being...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 6/29/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Is perhaps hiding out along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, for all we know?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2011:

It's said that the camera appears

to add 10 pounds. Not sure... What's clear

is when, girls and guys,

you're hospitalized--

that hospital gown adds 10 YEARS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline concerning one of the 2012 GOP Presidential candidates--

"Bachmann Confuses John Wayne, John Wayne Gacy"

You know, at first we thought that Obama might have trouble winning a second term...