Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2011:

Dems fight GOP plot to bury

states' union rights! Reading of, tarried...

Hoosier--Charlie Brown!

From what Indy town?

Why nat'rally--schlub is from Gary!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2011:

Attention all knuckleheads (especially athletes and broadcast journalists)--

If you don't know the proper usage of "who" and "whom," avoid "whom" at all costs.

At least if you use "who" improperly, it's arguably one of those things where colloquial usage makes it no biggie.

But when you use "whom" correctly, you not only look stupid, not to mention missing the colloquial angle, but you declare yourself to be someone PRETENDING to be smart, which is worse than just embracing your stupidity...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2011:

Fin'ly, so long for Freedom toiled--

Mid-East dictators now be foiled!

Too long 'neath Fist lived--

it's all positives!

Except... Well, except for Big Oil!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2011:

So Charlie Sheen... Where to begin? How about somewhere that nobody else is goin'?

Despite all the media focus, some of Charlie's rantings are being ignored. Uncomfortable statements, to much of Hollyweird.

And yet... Well, let's just say that just because an institutionalized nutball also maintains he saw a giant spider, it doesn't mean that his claims of being beaten, or should we say brainwashed, are without merit...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/2/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Since Fat Tuesday's Comin'...

Have you ever eaten a meal that was so good it made you feel like you were gettin' a little hard in the pants? Or in the shirt for the ladies? Well I had that sensation last weekend when I ate the Breakfast Pizza at De Luca's (1721 N. Damen Ave., Chicago).

I don't know if this was just a lucky day or what, but that damn pizza was awesome! It is topped with bacon, scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, hollandaise sauce and fried potatoes. Monte-licious! To say the least. Definitely not low in calories though, not one bit...

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2011:

New study on cell phones makes case

that use quickens brain's thinking pace.

Too bad added focus

shuns 'walk, checkout, road 'cause

it's sure not in front of one's face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2011:

You gotta figure that Hugh Hefner, and the whole Playboy Thang, is beyond old when a disease plagues the mansion--and it's... Legionnaires'...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2011:

Though our schools bring...less than best grooming

efforts to look word smart? Self-dooming!

Broadcasters and athletes--

use "who" wrong, like most peeps!

You look DUMBER with unsafe "whom"-ing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2011:

Of COURSE we're taking the day off for the holiday.

What holiday, less-than-stellar Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may ask?

The only day of the year that's also a command!

Think about it...

Okay, ask a friend with more smarts about it...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/4/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: New Month...

Same slacker readership, not a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper among the bunch willing to take on the minimal responsibility of this special section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2011:

We all feel for the lonley hearted.

Romance can be tough to get started.

But grieve, too, for Willie--

on first date, ate chili--

and now he's 'mong the lonely sharted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2011:

So, Hollywood does the Silver Screen treatment to... "Little Red Riding Hood."

Somehow--and yes, it is borderline creepy--a porn version of that would seem more enjoyable, especially seeing the ad with the actress in the, um, sexy hood...

Happy Extra Cheezy (Sleazy?) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2011:

For oozing class while peddling sleaze

Playboy was for long the Bee's Knees!

But prime? Time forsakes

as mansion outbreak

sports... Legionnaires' as the disease!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2011:

Thanks to Big Mother activists, numerous U.S. states are now not only taxing tanning services--but are banning the practice for those underage.

The next step is going after adults. But how, oh how will they justify attacking the practice among knowing, consenting adults?

This looks like a job for... Secondhand science!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/6/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Nine--Chef School Perks

First off, I wanted to mention, before we get back to our tale, that... Well, this serialized tale is lookin' like it'll finish with many more chapters than our last big serialized tale, about my schizo renter/roommate... And, really, THAT tale was... Far more worthy of lengthy treatment.

You will notice that this one has shorter chapters. I'm tryin' to make it easier on myself. Just pointing out now that, while this one may outdo the other, chapter-wise... Well, it's not that I'm un-fond of this tale, just... A little guilty? Making fun of a poor soul like this? Of course, laughing at others is a time-honored, delightful pastime but... Well, now that I've delineated how this tale isn't so hot, let's continue--

Since this whole tale is all about what a wretched, pathetic lush Cleveland was/is, I'd feel better about the whole thing if I point out the positives, both of him and of his stint as renter/roommate.

This might be the shortest chapter of the tale.

So...um...er... He was a pleasant guy. When he wasn't totally avoiding any human contact, anyway. Seemed intelligent. Personable. You could say he was a completely different person without The Bottle in his life. Then again, when I think of him, the real defining characteristic that comes to mind is... Well, "The Lush." But that's regressing to the last chapter.

Hmm... Guess I've already touched on the stuff about him keeping to himself, not having loud friends over and such.

Cleveland was a chef. A chef student and budding pro when I knew him, I suppose, but the biggest perk of his drunken stint that I recall was when he had a unit in the school concerning pastries. He brought 'em home and, since food was a pesky necessity to him (gets in the way of keeping liquor inside him), my guests and I partook of the majority of those pastries. Which were delicious, although I'm not sure how much credit goes to Cleveland and how much to being guided with kid gloves through their preparation by a pro.

He brought home some other food items, but those were rare. And not so memorable, as I can't recall any offhand while penning this. But for a while, the Pastry Train was rockin'!

Okay, enough with the positives...

Coming Next Week--Tumbles & Chuckles...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/6/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Was supposed to get in touch with us about something or other for this edition... Can't remember what it was all about...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2011:

Adult choice irks Do-Good Alliance--

tan warnings? Lifestyles dare defiance!

Teen tan bans on books

but grown-ups?... This looks

like a job for... Secondhand Science!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2011:

A possible "reality" TV show starring Charlie Sheen is reportedly in the works.

Uh... We thought there already WAS one. It seems whenever we turn on the TV, regardless of the channel, it's on...even bleeding through to every other, um, "joke" on "SNL"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2011:

Word is that the world will soon see

Charlie Sheen show--"reality"!

Strange, thought cat unsteady

had such show already--

seen each time I turn on TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2011:

We keep reading about Libya being "on the verge" of civil war and... Well, exactly what's missing? T-shirts?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2011:

Big sacrifice day--it's Ash Wednesday!

Coming off Fat Tuesday--Crash Wednesday!

Day, U of I, long passed,

beat pre-Easter sin fast--

with protest done-up as Hash Wednesday!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2011:

There's truth in that there Limerick, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

In fact, I think (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) the University of Illinois, at Urbana-Champaign, still does Hash Wednesday, but the cops cracked-down on the pot smoking that went on openly across campus--curiously, the year after I skipped town--after turning their heads from the practice since the '60s, so now it's a lame-o "legalize hemp clothing and medical marijuana" thing... Hmmm.

Kinda sums up the state of the "Liberal Agenda," no?

I could digress. Digress like a maniac, actually. But the point is, it's Ash Wednesday, and while I'm not exactly religious (as SYGs should know), I do believe in God, I'm big on ritual and, since I've long celebrated yesterday as Paczki Day, I'm enacting a little sacrifice for the whole Lent-y dillio.

I won't bore you with details. And if I WERE to, you'd probably prefer Fat Tuesday details, in any event...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/9/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

Aw, who the hell knows? Perhaps stuck under a Mardi Gras float or something...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2011:

As Charlie Sheen tale does unwind,

though Chuck's been a comic's goldmine...

There ARE other topics!

Caught SNL's gag mix--

Sheen jokes ev'ry other punch line!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2011:

So you know, we don't deem the Charlie Sheen Saga worthy of a Limerick Trilogy (that's saved for ultra-important topics like, you know, moustaches and stuff)--but, well, guess this marks a duo...or diology, or whatever... Hey, we're penning this on Ash Wednesday... Our sacrifice being...quality...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2011:

Libyan fight for liberty hurts!

Bombs rain--cities soon could be dirt!

Press says watch out, for

could bring...civil war!

It's not now? What's needed? T-shirts?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2011:

I think we've all known those people who smugly explain that they only watch "educational TV."

You know. For hours on end, chugging beer. But somehow, they're not couch potatoes because... Well, "educational TV."

That used to be public TV. It's long since metamorphed to include channels like "History" and "Discovery." ("The Learning Channel," of course, is perhaps the most inappropriately named station in the history of television.)

And do you notice how the networks have obliged? Once it was stuff like science shows. Now... Well, we need only mention, "Pawn Stars."

So have another beer. Pass the chips. Enjoy the smug... But, honestly, the most science-y of fare was far more entertaining than "American Pickers"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/11/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Where Have All The Bloggers Gone?... 

Unfortunately, the 'Net is lousy with 'em... But we can't seem to find one when we need one, as this continuously unhelmed section testifies...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2011:

Strip club janitor given chore fer

handling Daylight Savings clocks scored fur!

Lunged at tart, hard-tooled,

for he thought the rule

was "fall backward" and then "spring FOR HER"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2011:

In perusing online job ads, apparently my permanent, Sisyphusian part-time job for eternity now... Well.

Okay, you want a writer to be into a topic, as long as you're gonna pay him or her whole $10 for long and involved articles.

But can anybody really be "passionate" about...patio furniture?

Outside of a patio furniture designer, who has a better way of making money than the Lost Profession of "Journalism"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2011:

I'm quite annoyed by those who be

huge couch taters, yet act smugly--

watch PBS, Hist'ry;

lame "Pickers" or "My'stry"--

and claim, "educa'shnal" TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times/Gannett News Service headline--

"Study: Calorie Labeling Doesn't Change Fast-Food Orders"

That sound you hear in the distance is the alleged modern "Liberals" throwing a hissy fit over others not making the same lifestyle choices.

This looks like a job for... Secondhand Science!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/13/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Ten--Tumbles & Chuckles

My pre-move-in spiel to Cleveland, as with every other renter/roommate, touched upon the idea of cat feeding duties when I was away for a day or more. I didn't require it of a roommate, but mentioned that the task would benefit both sides. I wouldn't have to enlist outside aid toward that end and he could benefit from having the place to himself with no interruptions.

I have two cats, Chester and Millie. And since I've been marginally freelance employed the last few years--and before that had an in-office job with monthly personal days--I've been in the habit of spending a few days each month, long weekend or whatever, visiting my parents, who live close to my sister, nephews, etc. I get a cheap vacation-esque change of environment, help my dad with various tasks he can use a younger set of hands for and, if I may wax sappy... Well, my parents won't be around forever, so I make the time for these visits because I can, at this point in time and with my current life situation.

A good friend of mine has handled cat duties on and off for many years and he's more than willing to do it. But when there's somebody else living in my place anyway, it seems sensible to have the renter/roommate handle that.

So the first time I took my near-staycation with Cleveland around, he said he was more than willing to feed the cats. It was a shorter trip than usual, so I told him he didn't even have to clean the litter box. I left brief, simple instructions on the twice-a-day feeding but...just had a feeling.

I also enlisted my friend to check-in at some point. Told him to just explain to Lush Boy that he was just bringing the mail up from the box, something like that.

It was a good thing I did. My feeling was correct.

My cats get mostly dry food, with a dollop of canned on the side of their dishes. It isn't real tricky. Oh, I have my own "handful" formulae for amounts, but, as I said, I kept the instructions simple.

Cleveland had opened a new can of wet food and set it on the floor. Which is not good on many levels. The cats won't gobble the entire can, like dogs. In fact, if it sits there and starts to spoil, the cats won't eat it, wasting a can to boot. Not to mention that I feed them mostly dry for good reasons--keeps their weight down, allows them to nibble on-and-off as cats do--and... Well, a cat could theoretically cut its mouth licking around an open can.

It's not that I'm picky about my cats being fed just so. But Cleveland basically did a "favor" that proved useless.

So although my cats' feeding regime is simple, cats don't need walks and such like dogs and I had a live-in roommate/renter (who rarely even left his room), I had to enlist a friend to come by whenever I left town.

Updates were in order when I was away. You never know what surprises a raging lush can present.

One amusing incident occurred when I called to check my phone messages.

Yeah. I'm a dinosaur. Still have a landline. And my friend could've called me at my parents' for the update, but he instead called from his cell, in a room adjacent to my Flintstone phone. His message was a bit fuzzy, as he was laughing and whispering it. I called him direct after I received it and I was correct in my guess as to the general jist.

Cleveland had... Well, fell down. Which generated a din of comical noise, as his bedroom was so full of precariously placed, semi-organized crap. And while the giggly, whispery message was being spoken, after Cleveland seemingly, from the sounds of things, righted some of the mess... Well, another hilariously cacophonous tumble occurred.

Good reason for an urgent phone message?

Most certainly.

It's too bad it wasn't recorded for future entertainment...

Coming Next Week--Overly Grateful...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/13/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Setting his clocks forward?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2011:

New York's law--push health with kid gloves--

forcing rest'raunts to post stats of

each dish. Study voices...

Don't change people's choices!

Law only Big Mother could love!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2011:

Whoops.

We thought, you know, that because of Daylight Savings Time and all that we'd, er, skip over today, and thus wouldn't have to file an edition... He hee.

Set the calendar forward a day and such?

Yeah. It's the CLOCK. We're now aware of that. And we guess, under that reasoning, that it'd be FALL when we'd be able to skip but... Point being, Daylight Savings Time sucks ass.

Seriously. Why do we put ourselves through this rather than just leaving the clocks alone?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2011:

Daylight Savings always does throw me!

Not just me--clocks back/forth--mass woes see!

For what? Farms? The War?

For age that's no more!

Let's stop it! Daylight Savings--blow me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2011:

So... At one point, we urged Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to come shoot us all in the heads if we ever did this but... We retracted that urging, too.

And now... Daily Limerick is on Twitter (@dailylimerickne).

We're so ashamed... But as we've long maintained, we refuse to say "Tweets" when the vast majority of all activity is much better represented, and more in line with the name of the site to boot, as "Twits"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2011:

For us journalists, world turns... As it were,

from good jobs to crap-pay blogs in a blur!

Know topic?--job ad--fine, well

but must ask... Who the hell--

"passion for patio furniture"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2011:

Protesters are demanding reform in Saudi Arabia, too.

Thanks, daily newspaper, for stuffing that info in the SPORTS section, as a minor freakin' note accompanying some NASCAR or horse-racing story.

Oh, but I got all my Bieber, Sheen and "Idol" info in the edition.

Please, major media, at least TRY dying with dignity...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/16/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Go Bananas (With a Purpose...Or Not)

Bananas Foster Cafe in Chicago (1147 W. Granville Ave.) has some of the best pancakes I have ever eaten in my life. They almost taste like funnel cake, but they're pancakes. So freakin' Monte-licious!

This is truly the spot to bring someone for breakfast if yer trying to make sweet love to 'em, or tryin' to impress 'em. This place is also perfect the next morning, if you still like the person you woke up next to. It's also great to take ma & pa for a special treat.

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/16/2011:

Walter Windchill, a Facebook friend (or "friend," not sure how I know the cat, but that could go either way)... Well, he checks in with this via Facebook--

> I did this for a couple of years,

> under a different alias, way back

> when

>

> http://drlimerick.homestead.com/index.html

>

> It's fun.

Ahh... THIS guy.

He was a semi-nemesis for a while.

Well, that's exaggerating things quite a bit. I'd do a search on "limericks" or what-have-you and his site used to come up ahead of mine. (Chief Limericist checked-in for this one.)

That was partly my fault. Although I started with these in 1999, as the site constantly trumpets, I had only a freebie site for them, via my Earthlink account, thus nobody could find it. It was thus mostly known (or "known") as an e-mail thingie until 2004.

Now I see some ad occasionally that appears through my Google AdSense account, when I check-in to my site, for some other bastard's "limerick site."

Not that Walter's a bastard, of course.

I'd challenge him to a "Limerick Challenge." Or perhaps gloat over the fact that I've outlasted him.

But, mostly, reading his comments makes me wonder, "What the hell is WRONG with me that I keep doing this?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2011:

Of most ethnic days, few do thinking

much, 'less, to it, have blood linking.

Yet seems most, "Hooray!"

for St. Patrick's day...

Not sure why. COULDN'T be the drinking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2011:

YouTube and some colleges, including my (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) alma mater, Columbia College Chicago, are starting up a new media filmmaking class focusing on YouTube.

We can only hope no kittens are harmed...

Oh, and Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day, although I'm not Irish and, frankly, am annoyed by the drunken idiots and afraid to leave the house...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2011:

New college film class--now quite fittin'--

in YouTube, with which world is smitten.

Some folks, in fear quaking,

do pray, in filmmaking,

no harm comes to antics-prone kittens!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2011:

Chief Limericist here.

Noted that my cable company offers a form of TiVo.

And... Well, while it has many attractive features and all, I figure the question to ask when presented with such an option is--

When I think of my life at this point, and all the changes I could make... Is an excuse for/facilitator of watching MORE TV what I really need right now?...

This sorta ties-in to the theme of the below section... You know, the one that none of you monkey-buggerin' bastards will take on?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/18/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Mature Way of Dealing With No Writer for This Section...

PPPPPPPPP...

PPPpppppppPPPPPppppppp!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2011:

There once was a fella named Dolan

got stinkin' drunk for Friday bowlin'.

Slid down lane on dare

to pick up a spare--

instead, picked up Three Pin's cornholin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2011:

So now the History channel's carrying "Larry the Cable Guy" and Lifetime's... "American Pickers"?

Why isn't Rep. Peter King holding a hearing into the radical redneck agenda?...

Happy Extra Redneck Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2011:

Lifetime's shows, known as chicky, tender...

"American Pickers"? And splendor

of Hist'ry... "Lar' Cable Guy"?

Fear Muslims? Gays? No--try

Radical Redneck Agenda!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2011:

So just this past week, 50 Cent, Gilbert Gottfried, some chick from the WNBA...the list goes on and on.

Off-the-cuff, un-thought-out remarks made, in this case tasteless ones regarding the tragedy in Japan, because they can. Thanks to a delightful modern tool that so benefits our culture and intellectual discussion called... Twitter.

How proud we are to have finally broken down and joined Twitter this week.

And thanks, Fiddy and the rest of you, for bolstering our decision of refusal to call them "Tweets" when... Well, Twit on, celebs...

Yay! Tonight brings the 26th annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony induction, broadcast live on... Fuse? Huh? What the hell is THAT?... Ahem.

Anyway... This year's honorees include Neil Diamond, Tom Waits, Dr. John... (Yawn)... Oh, excuse us. Er... Okay, honorees also include Alice Cooper... Darlene Love...and...and... Zzzzzzzz...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/20/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Eleven--Overly Grateful

Cleveland was, by and large, polite.

He apologized profusely when taken to task for bathroom messes, always offered to allow me to, say, cook something in the oven first, when we both needed to use it...etc.

But when he renewed the lease, something that occurred...well, many times, as he stayed with me for 2 & 1/2 years and the longest was a year... He went nutty with the graciousness.

Via e-mail, generally, as most communication transpired.

"Oh, THANK you! I'm SO glad you're letting me continue to stay here..." Stuff like that. More of the low self-esteem issue, I suppose. Not to mention good old fashioned foreshadowing of what was to come.

Not that he likely PLANNED all that was to come, but... It all worked out very literary, in some senses.

By the time he hit a year in my place, he was finally unpacked.

The meaning of "unpacked" assuming that he liked his nice, large, extra room--ideal for a hang-out area outside the small bedroom--full of so much crap you could barely walk through it. Exercise balls, antique-y looking furniture, even a damned couch!

But considering it stayed that way for TWO AND A HALF FREAKIN' YEARS, I guess he was unpacked after the first month...

Coming Next Week--Lushy Toons...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/20/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mere bits of paper

 

The mustard rain falls

into a green bucket,

catching the runnel

off the roof. Can

you believe that half

a world away, eons of

rain out of the sea

thrashed over their banks?

 

It started small,

mere bits of paper

drifting and swirling

in the street. But

if you were not quick

you were under,

surrounded by waterlogged

boxes, turned-over

storage containers,

newspapers that didn't

know this calamity.

 

Then cars bobbing in the

current, rising above

torn-up fences

(even the music

of their links submerged);

boats drifting down

the city square,

propellers facing up.

 

The power lines starting

to swing and bounce,

the torrent obliterating

the splash of the falling poles;

the sky rolling with dust

as the foundations soften,

buildings themselves beginning

to sail, ghost ships and

their strange last stores

of memory.

 

Here, just one bucket

is overflowing,

the rain punctuated

by the sharp shouting wind.

Over there, it begins to snow.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2011:

Newspapers, to live, turn new leaf!

Their choices? Well... Those lives left? Brief!

News--Bieber? And Sheen?

Saudi uprising--

mere side note in freakin' SPORTS BRIEF?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2011:

...Speaking of the beauty of (anti-) social networking sites, and how they aid us so much in all areas, from recreation and social lives to careers, I posted a plea for help finding work on Facebook last week--Chief Limericist checked-in, here--and... Well, I was hit on.

What, oh what, would we do without 'em?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/21/2011:

In response to my Facebook post, explaining that I felt too embarrassed to post the Saturday (aka "dirty") Limerick... Er, yeah.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

I'm probably more embarrassed admitting that I post the Limericks on the anti-social networking sites regularly now.

(Sigh).

Anyway--

> You, blushing?

Yes. As much as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may idolize me, like all human beings, I do blush.

But only on my taint...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2011:

TiVo's new, through my cable comp'ny,

begging question for me--and for we...

When of Life, you take stock,

dreams unmet, Master Clock--

Is what's needed... More watching TV?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2011:

The following is a wise quotation, sometimes attributed to Winston Churchill, sometimes to something older, perhaps even biblical... Nonetheless--

"Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any

man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."

We'll go so far as to call that statement brilliant.

However... Well, something needs to be added--

"If, by the time you're 35, you're either 'liberal' OR 'conservative'... You've drank the Kool Aid"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2011:

Now all can make public insights

though most are...less than erudite.

"Craft" Twit quick as blinking--

screw taste! Who needs thinking?

Twits lower the bar to new heights!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2011:

When we read about a thief swiping cookie money from Girls Scouts in suburban Chicago, we were appalled.

When we went to find you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers a link to the story, we found that such thefts are going on all over the country. (And we don't feel like posting all the links.)

We've been urging the government for some time to keep a closer eye on those Bank of America execs...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/23/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Here's the Beef

Mr. Beef and Pizza at 3917 N. Harlem Ave. in Chicago has one of my all time favorite Italian Beef sandwiches.

This is the spot for a beef, not a combo. (A combo, for you non-Chicagoans, is the marinated sliced beef, aka Italian beef, plus an Italian sausage nestled into the thick French roll bun.) Their sausage isn't terrible, it's just that there's a better place for that. But here, at Mr. Beef and Pizza, the beef is TOPS! And this place has no affiliation with the inferior Mr. Beef downtown.

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2011:

Those posts, most by folks lacking wits,

(nothing to say--few char'cters fits!)...

So why call 'em "tweets"?

Site's "TWIT-ter," so neat-

ly works on all levels as, "twits"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2011:

Hmmm... Do we sense ourselves amid another Limerick Trilogy? This time about social networking sites... Naw... Couldn't be...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2011:

Career? Now must e-network; sit on

your ass--get your Facebook and Twit on!

So post I did lob,

"Please help me find job!"

No help--but reply found me hit on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2011:

We just learned of the existence of... Fantasy NASCAR.

So... Hmmm.

For sanity's sake, as well as that of...oh, hope for humanity and stuff, we're just gonna ignore this and hope we forget it exists...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 3/25/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Happiness Is...

One of you bastards taking on this weekly section. But, ah, happiness is oft unexpectedly elusive...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2011:

Chantel embraced spring's cold reprieve;

flew kite, but soon had to retrieve

it, dressed scantily,

from Kite-Eating Tree--

which proved partial, too, to fine beave!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2011:

Headline--

"'American Idol' Shocker"

We know what you mean.

That show's STILL ON!

Even worse, people are actually spending their valuable free time watching the glorified karaoke/high school talent contest...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2011:

Girl Scout cookie cash stole? What's next?

Then read it's a trend! Now perplexed...

Said all along, guys,

we must keep close eye

on Bank of Amer'ca execs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2011:

One positive...or semi-positive, anyway of the Tokyo tragedy is that finally, after decades, the bottled water industry has a reason for existing...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/27/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Twelve--Lushy Toons

The "toons" I refer to for this week's installment don't refer to music coming from Lushy's room.

With a few notable exceptions, I heard almost nothing coming from his lair. I'd find myself wondering, "Should I check on him? What if he's DEAD or something?" It was the type of situation where a friend or M'Lady would ask, "Is Cleveland home?" and I'd honestly answer, "I don't know."

From time-to-time, he'd surface to take a whiz, or mix up a massive drink, making a mess of my freezer ice cube tray situation in such a way I thought not possible for a grown human. That is, when he was "Good Cleveland," or more appropriately "Standard Pathetic Cleveland." When he was really blasted, coming off a bender, what have you, he'd gain the ability to piss once or twice a day. Unless... I shudder to think what went on in the sty he made of that room.

Thus he was less a roommate than... Well, the Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room.

While we're on the topic, I'll mention one of those "notable exceptions" to his room's silence. One day, I overheard him talking to a friend on his cell, raving about Lady Gaga. "I HAVE to borrow those CDs from you! Can you make me copies?" Having, evidently, not heard of the newfangled downloading thing, although he had Internet access and... Anyway.

Within days, Lady Gaga was his soundtrack. The same song, CD(s), over and over. And over. Like a freakin' 12-year-old girl and her first album, CD, mp3s, what have you.

But the Lushy Toons became my soundtrack.

I'm talking about my in-the-head soundtrack, not any music audible to others, although I occasionally do find myself singing aloud. The mental mp3 player "shuffle" setting of the mind. Songs you hear and then mentally replay, songs you're reminded of for one reason or another, sometimes songs you don't like but are too darn catchy.

For my in-head soundtrack, I often make-up my own lyrics. Rather than "do do doo" over the unknown words to a song, I fill something in. Usually, that's been stuff that's... Well, sick. About sexual acts to hot chicks and such. This occasionally gives me a laugh, supplementing the inspirational, "whistle while you work" benefit to singing to one's self.

My soundtrack became dominated by Lushy Toons. I can't peg what song started it, but do know that one early version came with a "rendition" of Abba's "Dancing Queen," perhaps because Cleveland was a pro dancer--

 

"He is the shit-faced queen

a has-been

far past seventeen..."

 

This one was especially amusing, as I'd picture the hopeless wretch spinning around rhythmically, smiling, blissfully drunken... Ha ha.

Like the term "lush," "shit-faced" seemed a most-fitting phrase for Cleveland. His indulging seemed a far cry from "partying." "Trashed" and "wasted" were good fits, but both terms remind me of stuff like, say, college and thus carry some positives. Good times, etc. He was most assuredly usually "shit-faced."

Another early fave was a version of REO Speedwagon's "Roll with the Changes"--

 

"And you knooow he's shit-faced

oh, so shit-faced.

All his hopes and dream have long been erased

So shitfaced..."

 

He hee. You can see what fun it could be.

Lushy Toons pretty much took over my mental soundtrack. I'd break new creative ground here and there, but a few standard, thematic rhyme pairings dominated, as evidenced by my version of... Oh, let's try the Beatles' "Lady Madonna"--

 

"You know he's shit-faced, his name's Cleveland J,

you should know he's liquored morn, noon, night and day.

He is so schnockered, liquored out his skull,

all his hopes and dreams at his point are void and null...

 

Don't you know he's just so damn pathetic

wasted off his mother fuckin' nut

he thinks bein' a lush is copacetic

can't score Boys' Town bu-utt."

 

Now, "Boys' Town" refers to my neighborhood of Chicago, a portion of the Lakeview neighborhood. At one point, it was MORE gay-concentrated. It's rather mixed these days, but still far gayer than average. I'm not amid the heart of the neighborhood--by a stretch a gay bars and gay-themed businesses--but the gaiety level is nonetheless high. The point being that Cleveland was much like a gay kid in a gay candy store, but still couldn't score lolly.

And his middle initial wasn't "J"--for that matter, "Cleveland Rushmore" is a substitute name, too--but I have a fondness for that middle initial when engaging in ridicule. Something just flows about it.

Keeping in mind that "Cleveland" is a substitute for his real first name, although bearing the same number of syllables, I evolved toward shortening some of the common Lushy Toons terms. "Cleveland J" oft became something like, "Clev'Jah." "Shit-faced" waxed toward, "Shiffissed." Etc. Thus, my lyrics were becoming incipherable to those outside my lush-disturbed world. Not that others would hear them.

Which all hinted at the fact that I was developing a bit of a Lushy Toons...problem. Of sorts, anyway. More of an annoyance, really, but... Ahem.

Sometimes I WANTED to "sing" the real lyrics. Say, in the shower, with a song I really liked. So I'd start to do just that...and Lushy Toons would take over.

So I had to fight Lushy Toons at some point. Well, sorta. It was great fun, of course, but...still.

In fact, the fight continued long after he moved out.

Hell, I'll come clean. I still get some Lushy Toons goin' occasionally--and as I pen this, he's been gone for almost six months.

Yeah. It's a tad disturbing. Although I'll remind you Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards that I make-up lyrics anyway, so I can argue that it's just another theme.

And considering the Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room situation overall, it was far from the most disturbing audio trend...

Coming Next Week--Delightful Sounds Fill the Air...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/27/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Off flying a kite or something? Or, more likely, retrieving it from that Kite-Eating Tree?... We think he'll have it out by next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2011:

Observing Japan's tragedies

there's one "silver lining" I see...

A reason, long missing,

is shown for existing--

of bottled water industry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2011:

According to fellow documentary filmmaker Albert Maysles, the recently deceased Richard Leacock, who came to fame filming a multi-part TV documentary on John F. Kennedy's presidential campaign, "was the first one to do what we call 'reality TV.'"

Geez. Must really have something against Leacock to slander him so upon his death...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2011:

With Fantasy Football... I cope.

Lame, popular--but of, won't mope.

Learned--faith drops hard, fast, far--

of... Fantasy NASCAR?

For Human Race, hard to keep hope!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2011:

"Ass-tastic."

That's our new word. Much needed in today's world, to boot.

Learn it, love it, live it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2011:

Not "lib'ral" 'fore 30, aged rule,

says you're heartless; past 30, fool

if you're not "conservative"--

I'll add, by 40 lived,

if "either," you're part'san tool!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2011:

So the Oxford dictionary is now adding the term "LOL" to the "official" language.

Great.

Now that, through overuse (not to mention that it was always lame-o-rific to begin with), the term outta be set ablaze, cursed by a Priest, beheaded, mouth stuffed with wafers, stabbed with a wooden stake... It's being encouraged by the "Authority."

Thanks Oxford Dictionary of the English Language. Thanks a whole lot...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 3/30/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Out Like a Lamb?...

...Er, not sure if that makes sense regarding Monte, although a lamb probably wouldn't file its edition on time... But assuming a lion would--since Monte did make the first Wednesday of March's deadline... Well, we're goin' with the simile...

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2011:

Our "stars" now, both bod and soul, plastic;

pop culture's devolving so fast it's

in need of new adjective

for trends in times we live

thus most are...simply ass-tastic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2011:

The Illinois State House of Representatives has voted to repeal the state's smoking ban... In casinos only.

See, Illinois is losing a lot of gambling revenue to neighboring states without such bullying...er, bans.

According to the bill's chief sponsor, Rep. Dan Burke (D-Chicago), "This is about the money."

Government--concerned about something other than the public's well-being?

Please, don't tell us that perpetual efforts to balance the budget by continually raising smoke taxes have anything to do with anything but our health...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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