Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2011:

A Happy--from Phoenix to Dover--

Nash'nal Po'try Month! Won't ya' go fer

a pantoum or sonnet

and ponder upon it!

But... Wait. That was April. Month's over!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2011:

Saw a TV Grid listing referring to, not Aerosmith's, but "American Idol's" Steven Tyler.

Can an individual jump the shark?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/1/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Sixteen--FrankenLush

The concept of Cleveland's secret dual identity, oft becoming FrankenLush, stemmed from the realization that his life was truly in danger.

Sure, a drinking problem goes hand-in-hand with the concept of a life in danger. Simply getting plastered once can in fact set the stage for lethal hijinx. But at some point, it went from, "How funny, he falls around and screws everything up" to... Well, it was ALWAYS funny. Again, that was the only way to deal with it. But it presented obstacles to the funny in realizing that, medically, he was playing chicken with The Reaper.

Perhaps at a point where his vehicle still had much better steering than The Reaper's, but still.

It began with my condo-caretaking-when-I'm-away friend and I overhearing his phone conversations about doctors, tests, treatments, etc. Stuff that, despite being audible to us, was spoken in characteristic whispered, worried tones. Our initial theory was HIV.

So shoot us for "stereotyping." Gay former dancer, probably having long enjoyed the pick of the pretty boy litter--and it would explain things. Contracting a dreaded disease could explain alcoholism, not to mention money troubles and a retreat from society.

But something still told me it WASN'T that. My pal reasoned that Cleveland would HAVE to mention something like that, sharing a bathroom with me and all. Regarding HIV, I admit that I'm not well aware of the fine line between overreaction and legitimate health concern--but my pal formerly DID live with an HIV-positive gay roommate, so I took his word for that but... Again, something told me it wasn't THAT.

At the same time, my pal had doubts as to alcohol being the culprit. Oh, he flat-out knew that Cleveland was prone to indulge a drink or ten. But he'd watch the place and inform me, "I don't think he's drinking." I had to admit that, given his secrecy and all, I myself didn't really know how much he drank. So the theory was thrown out that Cleveland was maybe more of an occasional binge guy and that his hermit habit made it easy to assume he was always shit-faced.

This made me feel a bit guilty in assuming that Cleveland was causing his own health problems, whatever they might be...although my gut still told me that booze was involved.

On one of my out-of-town stints, Cleveland told my friend that he wasn't doing too well, packed up a duffel bag and left. That was, I believe, a day or so before I'd return home to find Cleveland still on an extended stint away from the condo. Our theory was a hospital stay.

In discussing the booze vs. legit medical problem issue, walking down my street my friend and I spied an empty two-liter jug of Seagram's 7 tossed in the bushes.

Rare, as far as liquor trash goes. And Cleveland's booze of choice.

The argument tilted more toward my Lush premise.

One thing was concurred upon. When Cleveland left the place for that stint and when he returned, he was walking stiffly, unsure, clumsily, as if afraid he might tumble over.

It was far from the only time we'd view him doing The FrankenLush...

 

Coming Next Week--The Boy in the iBubble...

 

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/1/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Reject pile

 

I do not see a lofty

university affiliation

attached to your bio;

I never wandered the halls

of your institution

making drunken mistakes.

 

Your writing is not

witty and enticing enough

to share at a fundraiser.

It certainly does not follow

a mode perfected in the '60s.

 

What makes you think

you belong in our pantheon

of arthritic professors,

dozing legends

and dear friends

who need the warmth

of a burnished flame?

 

Go start your own movement.

Twenty years down the line,

I hope we can talk.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2011:

On Big Royal Week--Kate, Will wed--

of tight upper caste, must be said...

Few clans inter-gnarled--

those boys? And Prince Charles?

Buck-toothed, Franken-foreheads? Inbred!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2011:

In one of those "something IS new under the sun" business stories, Chicago Sun-Times reporter Sandra Guy mentions how hipster tech companies today have changed the work experience with things such as "nightclub cafeterias" and "rock star" awards for such arenas as product management and engineering excellence.

Hmmm.

Corporate America (new media, new shmedia)...rock stars.

So, the awards are for such things as how many chicks banged and drugs ingested on the clock?

Ahem.

You know how a hip, black, urban term's hipness is affected once white people start using it?

Uh-huh...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2011:

TV grid ID'd with this mark--

"Am. Idol's Steve Tyler"? Day dark!

And thus I propose

ain't just TV shows

but people, too, can "jump the shark"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2011:

So Osama bin Laden's dead.

Yeah, yeah. We're a little late to the news table, even in this real-time commentary age.

Which is kinda our point.

Oh, we learned Sunday night. Could've turned around and changed the site update that was prepared earlier in the day, per routine.

But DL is not really a "news organization." News organizations can worry about that in-the-moment stuff. In fact, they SHOULD.

See, being that we're more commentary than news, we take advantage of being able to think things over before blathering about them.

Which is a good rule for all bloggers/Twits/Facebookers to consider.

Because, just because you CAN sound-off immediately, it doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Speaking of things to consider... Well, just because you CAN sound-off at all, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Something to consider.

PLEASE, blogosphere, consider. Consider hard...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2011:

Combed "sports briefs," 'neath "colleges" spied

that most were about crime! Oh my!

Of college, oft said,

that it's "higher ed"--

not sure 'bout that, but it's sure "high"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2011:

So Osama bin Laden was taken out by a Democratic president.

We'll allow the Tea Baggers a while to pick their jaws up from the floor. Then--you just wait--in their confusion about how to invalidate the presidency of a black man...er, I mean liberal, especially now that the birth certificate digression appears to be resolved... There'll be demands for OBL's death certificate.

Yup. Get ready for the deathers!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/4/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Beef Roll!!!

My nickname when I was kid was "Beef." And now one of my favorite new eats is the Beef Roll from Sam's Pizza in Ottawa, Ill., 802 W. Norris Dr. right near Starved Rock.

It's gettin' warm, so you should take the family, or lady/boyfriend out for a hike or some boating, birding...and a BEEF ROLL on yer way home. It's less than 2 hours from the city and, if you speed like I do, maybe less than an hour and a half.

Check that link for great pics of the Beef Roll and more info.

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2011:

Indulge all your spring party lusts, fer

it's Cinco de Mayo! If flustered

because you're a gringo;

feel it's not your thing; oh,

then party for Cinco de Mustard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2011:

Feliz Cindo de Mayo con Mucho Queso!...

(As good a reason as any for a blow-off day, considering the Chief Limercist's, er, cousin is, um, married to a woman from Mexico... And he studied Spanish in junior high-high school...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2011:

Tea baggin' whackjobs gasp for breath--

BARACK caught bin Laden? Bereft

of nut cause--birth cert.

released so now flirt

with... He ain't dead--where's proof of death?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2011:

Happy Seis de Mayo!...

We're taking off for the Big Holiday, which celebrates... Er, the day after the, um... Cinco de Mayo stuff...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/6/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Another Month...

...Another ghost section... Lackadaisical ass-chunks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2011:

A sleazy chick hired hunk to paint

her house. His looks made her feel feint!

He first used the rollers;

next, "brush" tickled molars--

and finished by painting her taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2011:

Chief Limericist checking in on an Extra Cheezy Saturday.

So I'm workin' a temp gig as an exam proctor.

Turns out, it's for law school finals. Giving basic instructions, maintaining a presence to catch cheaters, what have you.

Not a bad deal. But not as exciting as I imagined.

I guess I read "exam" and figured "proctor" was something else. A similar word to another... Bugs me. I just can't think of the word. Can't put a finger in it...er, on it...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2011:

It's Mothers Day--crossing all oceans!

What 'bout chicks with mom-to-be notions?

Won't stretch, guys, to say,

"Plant mom seed today!"--

but 'least take your girl through the motions!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2011:

From all of us at Daily Limerick, to all you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, a very Happy Yothers Day!

As we understand it, the date is meant to celebrate all the accomplishments of Tina Yothers and... Huh? It's... MOTHERS DAY?

Well, we're off to the store then...

Happy Extra Cheezy Mothers Day!...

(And Happy Extra Cheezy Yothers Day--why not?)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/8/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Seventeen--The Boy in the iBubble

One day, amid one of Cleveland's rare Sober Benders--flummoxing around the place, making cell calls, opening weeks of mail, etc.--he sat down upon a chair in front of the kitchen's semi-circle table, with iPod buds in his ears, and... Sat.

And sat.

And sat some more. For hours. Or at least an hour.

The kitchen isn't huge. And my silly little rituals brought me in and out of the room for snacks, laundry, I forget what else.

It was awkward to begin with, he not showing his face often, and his Sober Benders always threw me for a loop but... At one point, I said, "Hi." Tried making chitchat.

I was completely ignored.

So I went about my business as if there WASN'T a knucklehead sitting right there at a teeny table, listening to music... Really, in an iBubble.

It was very likely the most awkward incident of my entire freakin' life.

Let me mention here that my friend--the one who watched my place, fed my cats, etc. when I went out of town, despite the fact that an otherwise seemingly capable lush was home the whole time... I learned that my friend had conversed regularly with Cleveland. Small talk, sure but... For whatever reason, Cleveland afforded him basic civility while affording me... Well, the Boy in the Plastic iBubble.

Perhaps that was because I was a form of "authority figure." Or maybe he found my friend attractive. Nonetheless, I acknowledge no legitimate excuse for it.

In any event, that day, then and there, I decided that, despite Cleveland having an obvious drinking problem, a problem I could empathize with, and despite our rare conversations being civil and such, and despite his seeming talented and intelligent and all that... Well, I finally admitted something to myself.

I just didn't like the guy...

Coming Next Week--Cleveland and the Dogs...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/8/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike Is...

 

...Just nuts for Mothers Day--off helping to knit some booties or something...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2011:

In marking the day after Mothers Day

we oughta, for to have my druthers, pay

full honors glossed-up

for child star washed-up

and thus declare date Tina Yothers Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2011:

One Aisha McClinton, while visiting the Stateville Correctional Center in Will County, Ill., was busted for concealing a gun... Well, in what authorities described as an "intimate area."

Talk about gettin' your bang for the buck...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2011:

Tech firms call grunts "rock stars" and, bang!

Their corp'rate nature's been defanged?

In truth, firms' use... Gleaning

"rock star's" lost hip meaning--

as when white folk start with black slang!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2011:

We can put a man on the moon but... Okay, let's try our take on the saying with something modern and less cliche--

We can Twit how many times we've went to the bathroom in a given day from a space station, but we can't design a flour/cat litter/etc. package that truly opens easily, without spilling the contents all over tarnation...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2011:

Chick's visit to prison got mucked--

was caught with gun, pressing her luck!

Cops said where was carried, uh...

"intimate area"!

Talk about bang for the buck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2011:

Headline--

"Two Women Stabbed at Mothers Day Cookout"

Well.

Guess we all celebrate in our own ways...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/11/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Is off celebrating... Once de Mayo?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2011:

On science, we humans can brag.

But, say, flour? Cat litter? Tech lags!

Can put man on moon!

Why can't we--and soon--

make true easy-opening bags?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2011:

St. Louis TV station KSDK went into a lab to find out what, exactly, is in a chicken nugget.

Now, our concerns here at DL almost never dovetail with those of religious fundamentalists, but we're guessing this is one of those things that "mankind is simply not meant to know"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2011:

Two chicks stabbed at cookout. I'd say

ord'nary news, 'cept... Mothers Day?

Lament urban plight--

but all have the right

to celebrate in their own way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2011:

Cincinnati Bengals receiver and noted Twit Chad Ochocinco, having time on his hands with the National Football League lockout ongoing and having failed to make the Sporting Kansas City pro soccer team, is now fixing to ride a bull for a Professional Bull Riders event.

NFL players and owners, listen up--

Please, please iron-out your difficulties and end this lockout. If for no other reason than stopping Ochocinco's nonsense before he gets to curling...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/13/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Like the Last Few Months' Editions...

...Has nobody to write it.

Ever hear of "takin' one for the team," ass-nuzzlers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2011:

A hermit's life, Cap. Ahab chose.

But needs grew too strong--sought a ho'

but knew not that scene.

He reached down between

her legs and exclaimed, "Thar 'she' grows?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2011:

Groupon sucks donkey testes.

Just hadda get that off my chest.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

I've looked into the process of obtaining a writing job at Groupon.

Hoops aplenty. Sample write-ups, mandatory attendance of writing seminars--just to sing-on FREELANCE, no assignments guaranteed.

Oh, and they've become noted for making writers, already having a hard time making ends meet, sign NON-COMPETE AGREEMENTS worded in such as way as to threaten most any future employment of a writing-related nature.

Reminder to ya' wannabe Groupon hipsters--

Your business is freakin' COUPONS. All tech and stuff, affecting an air of "hip modern employer" and crap but... You're dealing with freakin' coupons.

So knock yourselves down a notch on the self-hipness scale...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2011:

For Fund'ment'list faith, I don't go!

To anti-science slant, must say, "No!"

Yet learned news team dug mitts--

what's in chicken nuggets?...

Hey, some things, Mankind should not know!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2011:

So, Friday was a rare Friday the 13th.

Was lookin' forward to tunin' in a scary movie.

Nothin'.

No cable stations were celebrating... Diddle.

Oh, later that night I received the only freakin' nod to the event via e-mail.

From a porn video company.

See, when you order even ONE DVD from one of those, you get regular shill e-mails...forever, it seems.

Not that, you know, I, your Chief Limericist, ever, er... It was for research.

Anyway.

Kinda says something that the only folks interested in Friday the 13th are porn purveyors.

We're not gonna dwell on it, but there's probably much witty commentary to derive from it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/15/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Creepy Gay Lush in the Other Room, Chapter Eighteen--Cleveland and the Dogs

I currently live with two dogs, two cats and, well, my fiance.

I started with the two cats. Then met M'Lady, who has two dogs. Eventually deciding that we'd soon live together--and since I had the condo while she rented--the shared home, we decided, would be mine. Thus we began a process of slowly integrating the two types of animals. Which was easier to do once she lived in the building next-door.

Yes. Seems a bit odd. But details exist in Sunday Story Times past--and are not relevant to this tale. Likewise, the whole dog/cat integration was worthy of its own tales, not fully relevant to the lush legacy.

The gradual integration sometimes meant bringing both dogs over for the evening. Once I locked my keys in M'Lady's place, amid dog-walking duties, and thus had the dogs spend the night by me, but generally such trial runs were planned.

Since M'Lady didn't want to surgically alter the dogs, neither are fixed. Thus Charlie, the female Jack Russell terrier, and Schnapps, the male dachshund, need to be separated for the little thing called "heat," which was usually accomplished by crating one or both. So Schnapps became my roommate for a few long stints, before M'Lady moved in and while Cleveland was my official renter/roommate.

In fact, due to the timing of things, Schnapps ended up moving in with me for good a couple weeks before M'Lady.

The dog/cat integration by itself caused some changes in living arrangements. For instance, there is now a lawn chair used as a makeshift gate to keep the dogs from the kitchen and thus away from the cats' food, as cats tend to nibble away from time to time rather than gulp down whatever they're given as sustenance.

At one point, soon after I began dating M'Lady, I almost kept Schnapps for a week--when she went on a California vacation. Other arrangements were made (see, again, old Sunday Story Times), but I did clear the idea with Cleveland ahead of time, in case. Thus, the idea of taking on dogs temporarily was good-to-go with Lushy... Or would have been.

See, life with Cleveland came with its own set of unique monkey wrenches.

Normally, a new dog on the premises might bark at a roommate, a stranger to the pooch, at least at first. Hell, with short memories, perhaps a dog would bark on-and-off for the first few encounters with a roommate. They just need to get used to the person's presence as "normal" and then things are cool.

Cleveland's presence, however, can only be described as abnormal.

He barely left his room. Thus he forever remained a stranger to the dogs. So whenever Cleveland DID leave his lair, or come home, they'd bark at him. Thus we'd be awakened in the middle of the night by barking, whenever Cleveland would hit the bathroom or something, on our doggies sleepovers.

Before M'Lady fully moved in, the makeshift lawn chair was in my living room, to keep any dogs from the shared areas and Cleveland's two rented rooms.

As a standard practice, I aim to do the "right" and "legal" and "courteous" thing. Cleveland signed a lease with the initial understanding that only cats would be present, so I kept the dog visits to a minimum. But at some point, we did begin to push it. Sort of a "trial living together" thing. Especially since M'Lady's apartment building had noisy neighbors, and a psycho-scary one to boot, she ended up once staying about a week at one point.

I was mostly vigilant about the added dog and dog-with-lush duties, when the dogs did come over. Get up to take a brief pee? Lock the dog in my bedroom, rather than leaving him loose in my living room, just in case. (While the dachshund's short legs didn't allow him to jump the "gate," the Jack Russell could--and would, sometimes, if you weren't watching.)

This added a complicated pain-in-the-ass angle to dog visits. First of all, it wasn't always easy to discern whether Cleveland was in fact home. And I got lax in my duties, too. I'd think, for instance, "I've gotta piss. Damn, guess I should lock up the dog... Actually, Cleveland took a piss 10 minutes ago. He probably won't surface for another hour or more..." That sorta thing.

Well one day I got a little too lax. Or, you could argue, Cleveland was just too much of a weirdo... Let's say a combination of the two.

I hopped in the shower without locking away the dogs.

Yes, dogs, plural, as both were over. M'Lady was visiting a friend in the suburbs or something.

I heard a ruckus while toweling off.

Ran and grabbed Charlie, as she was jumping and yapping around Cleveland, who was making a line to leave for the outside world.

Cleveland stepped out for an errand (probably grabbed more booze), returned and approached me in the kitchen.

"I didn't sign-on for dogs barking and jumping at me and..." blah blah blah.

As you're learning, Cleveland almost never mentioned anything about the living arrangement--complaint or otherwise.

Shit, as you're learning, I probably spoke less than five minutes, total, with the guy over his two and a half-year stay.

On this, he had a point.

He had the right to...well, live life as a full-on loner loser. And with his doing so, I had to deal with dogs who'd never see him as anything but a stranger and, as tough as he made it with his weirdo lifestyle, I dropped the ball in shepherding the dogs.

So we stopped our little "trial living together" thing. Oh, dog visits still occurred, but they became a once-a-week thing and were ridiculously supervised.

Ironically, Cleveland was a far greater threat to himself than a jumping Jack Russell ever could be...

Coming Next Week--The Maybe Suicide Call...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/15/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mystery

 

Raising her rolling pin high, she dances,

unaware of the man with thick glasses,

sitting perfectly straight

in the kitchen chair.

 

The baby in his lap bats at the smoke

spilling from his nearly done cigarette.

She swings her hips, sings as she swings,

she dances. Unaware.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2011:

They think they're so new, hip at Groupon!

Want to write for them? You, they poop on!

Dudes--ain't gonzo journalists!

"New Tech"? Boils down to this--

self-hipness, nix. You shill COUPONS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2011:

In a move on par with efforts of other big city public transportation systems, the Chicago Transit Authority is spending $1 million-plus to install signs bearing estimated bus arrival times at bus stops around the city.

Considering that it's too much to ask of such agencies to, you know, hire bigwigs who actually RIDE public trans... Listen up, chowderheads--

In the vast majority of cases, when folks hit a bus or train stop, they HAVE to wait until the next one arrives to get where they're going. Hence... Well, these signs are a useless "innovation." Much like watching a pot boil.

Now, this might sound radical but... Maybe spend the money on MORE BUSES AND TRAINS?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2011:

His "thoughts," 'pon world, through Twits, uphurling...

Football's locked-out, new "skills" unfurling...

Tried soccer--was stinko.

Bull rides now? Och'cinco?...

End strike 'fore the Twit's trying curling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2011:

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Can it already be the 20th Anniversary of my DUI?

Life-changing event. Will spare you details.

Spending the rest of the day with my jaw agape...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2011:

Annivers'ries help us get by--

birthdays, weddings, mark past points high.

But I also mark

change milestones quite dark--

hooray, twenty since DUI!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2011:

Actually heard a plug for one of Comedy Central's signature fated-for-early-cancellation shows, "Workaholics," that declared it appeals to..."people who like 'South Park.'"

That's long been what's dominated at CC's programming meetings, but this time they actually ADMIT it. It's a tough order, getting more than three viewers outside "South Park."

Guess they'll keep fighting the hard truth and refrain from re-naming it, "South Park Central"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/18/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Meat AND Pie--What's Not to Love?

There is a great new place to eat in Bridgeport (Chicago), that is if you like delicious, flaky meat pies. Pleasant House Bakery, 964 W. 31st. Place (http://monteism.blogspot.com/2011/05/pleasant-house-bakery-in-bridgeport-for.html) is the spot for a meat pie.

It's weird that a place like this is in Bridgeport, but it is, and it's super. Everything is made in-house, fresh and mostly organic. (I"mostly" because they have cans of RC for sale. But they do make two of their own sodas, a ginger and hibiscus flavor.

This is a new fave of mine for sure. They even have vegetarian options. Check out the link for some cool pics of the Chicken Balti.

--MONTE

 

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2011:

Temp "on-call" status through day's lurkin'...

My birthday! Still, hope I'll be workin'!

'Cause Recession's killed me!

Plus, leave house, chicks thrill me--

and, springtime, bring fresh fuel for jerkin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2011:

Regarding today's Limerick... Just kidding, content wise, of course.

Although... Okay. So I am pathetic. But not moreso than any other guy; just honest about it...

And... Well, it IS my birthday.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

No edition today...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2011:

Write these day ahead, by design--

this one on birthday! Topic's mine!

Regardless of news

whatever I choose...

So, well... Now guess I'm outta lines!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2011:

Since we put our editions together a day ahead of time, I'm doing this on my birthday.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Gotta celebrate somehow.

Taking the day off... Whoo-pee...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/20/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bastards.

Taint-lickin', na'r-do-well, rat bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2011:

A chicks' nudist club took a tan break

on hidden beach, next to a grand lake!

Drank wine; at guys, lashed-out.

In hot sun, they passed out...

and woke to find they'd had a clambake!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2011:

So Dale J. Pester was nabbed in a Bolingbrook, Ill. adult bookstore for...huffing computer cleaner.

Now, despite being, er...porn-friendly here at DL, this is the reason we avoid procuring porn in so-called "adult bookstores."

Or more properly, this story here ISN'T the reason, considering that huffing is actually a welcome activity to witness in an adult bookstore...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2011:

Big city bus stops--new tech plus is

arrival time signs! Yet most's rushed biz

means they must take next one!

So's "watch pot boil" question!

Here's rad thought--spend cash on MORE BUSES!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2011:

So Rahm Emmanuel had his swearing-in ceremony as the new mayor of the City of Chicago last week.

Now it's time for his own personal swearing-out ceremony.

Not to mention swearing under, around, up, down, left, right...

Perusing the June 2001 issue of Cosmopolitan... Hey, sometimes it's wise to check-out what the other sex is reading.

Anyway, in a section called "Beauty--His Picks," a question is posed to 100 guys "on the street" and... Okay, there were some pics of a scantily clad Cameron Diaz, too.

Okay now... The question in this case was, "Are penciled-in brows pinup-girl pretty or painted on and fake?"

Survey says 67 percent said "pretty," 33 percent "fake."

The lesson to be learned here is... Cosmo must have hit a "street" in a gay neighborhood or something. Otherwise the survey would find 95 percent answering, "I don't think I've EVER noticed a woman's EYEBROWS"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/22/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Uh-uh...

Nope.

Ain't spending time reliving that Lush Saga this week.

It's my birthday weekend.

What date's the Big Day, exactly?

Ask the Paparazzi.

Sure, they'll give you a confused look. But do it anyway.

Oh, and since I write these usually the weekend BEFORE publication, don't be shocked if I take off from the section next week, too.

Ass monkeys...

Coming Next Week--The Maybe Suicide Call...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/22/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Well, your guess is as good as ours... Should return next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2011:

Rahm Emmanuel's now Chi-Town's

new may'r--swearing-in just went down!

Now city's preparing

for ritual swearing-

out, -over, -beneath, -through, -around...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2011:

Student groups at DePaul University (Chicago) are protesting hummus.

'Bout time SOMEBODY did. Sure, there are worse foods, but does it have to be on every public spread freakin' EVERYWHERE?

Oh. They're protesting a certain brand linked to Israeli groups that... Anyway.

One man's terror is another man's...pita dip...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2011:

So Cosmo runs surveys of guys--how

they feel about chick styles. One I found?

My answer? Can't say.

They must've quizzed gays--

'cause I've never noticed chick's EYEBROWS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2011:

So Seth Macfarlane, creator of "Family Guy" and a slew of other hack-by-numbers cartoons that've become popular among the taste-challenged populace, is set to re-tool "The Flintstones."

Now, "The Flintstones," or "The 'Stones" as we called it in college, is classic TV. In fact, originally meant as a tribute to "The Honeymooners."

And "Family Guy" is... Well.

Let's just say that a less offensive "tribute" from Macfarlane would entail digging up and raping the skeleton of Jackie Gleason...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2011:

Adult bookstore shopping, guy went.

Was nabbed, huffing cleaner, and sent

to jail! But, let's face it,

'mong scene of THOSE places...

His actions were quite innocent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2011:

Stoked myself up some Dog Poop Karma the other day.

Oh. See, you know how there are those people out there that just don't like dogs? And you know how there are those people who DO like dogs, but who don't pick-up their dogs' poop, thus firing-up the anti-dog sentiment in the first group of people?

So I was walking my dogs, had a poop bag at the ready, saw a pile of poop in a nice little urban, landscaped plot area and... Well, picked it up. Even though it wasn't my duty. Or doodie.

Does that mean I won't get a dirty look from some anti-dog bastard on any walks this week?

Pfft.

But... Well, it SHOULD mean I'll get fewer dirty looks and/or chastisings, in the long run.

In any event... Dog Poop Karma--Catch It!

Er... How 'bout... Dog Poop Karma--Pick-Up the Habit!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 5/25/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Cue the Q!

Memorial Day holiday weekend comin'--BBQ season is bout to be in full swing. I love anything on the char grill and one of the best spots for that in Chicago is... Mr. D's, 6656 W. Diversey, by the Brickyard Mall.

This place has been around since I was kid--and everything still tastes exactly as it did back in the day. Deliciously charred. Check out my link for pics and more!

--MONTE

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2011:

So students are making a plumb fuss

by protesting Israeli hummus!

Not o'er the dip's flaws--

but lib'ral dogma cause!

(Thought perhaps 'cause bland dip does bum us!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2011:

To all Midwestern Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I apologize.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

I apologize for the cold spell that's hit our region over the past few days.

Washed my winter coat for the season.

Oh, and that other cold spell around mid-May? Sorry for that one, too--scarves were behind that one.

Sorry!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2011:

MacFarlane, Seth, for "Fam'ly Guy" known

is to be re-doing... "The Flintstones"?

A much better "tribute"

from that hack would be to

dig-up, rape "Honeymooners" cast's bones!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2011:

Here in the City of Chicago, where the Daily Limerick, er, Towers are located, quite a hubbub is going on over... Anyway.

Considering how much she's changed our lives, and the hole in our spirits we're supposed to be feeling soon... Just wondering if we should've actually WATCHED Oprah once...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 5/27/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: This Space...

...For rent.

I guess.

Seein' as no Slapper Yapper Grasshopper's gonna take on the section... Any offers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2011:

To pick-up lines, desensitized--

at bars, wore her ire undisguised.

So when asked, "How," she, Linda,

"preferred her eggs in the

morning?" said, "Unfertilized."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2011:

Chicago lawyer Thomas Gooch alleges that his opponent in court is employing a so-called "paralegal" in the courtroom solely as a distraction because she's extremely buxom.

In dispute is whether she's an actual paralegal, though there seems to be no argument over her para-... Ahem.

Nip it in the bud... Lawyers should be used to sharing courtrooms with boobs... And the guy's freakin' name is actually GOOCH. Write your own jokes on this one...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and Buxom) Memorial Day Weekend Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2011:

Seems Chi-Town now mourns on all fronts--

from Da May'r on down to us grunts!

You'd think it were Pope! Uh,

but we're talkin' Oprah!

Ya' think we should have watched her? Once?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2011:

So the Patriot Act was renewed.

Yes, the Bush-created Patriot Act, whereby "Patriot" apparently means ignoring that pesky Bill of Rights.

Must've sneezed and missed the hubbub.

There was "stubborn resistance" from a senator.

Yes, one senator.

Rand Paul of Kentucky.

A Republican.

Maybe the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language oughta stop annoying the English-speaking world by approving terms like "LOL" and instead get down to the serious--but admittedly mind-wracking--business of determining just what the fuck "liberal" and "conservative" mean at this point...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/29/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Well...

...Was my birthday...about a week and a half ago.

Pen these sections ahead of time.

Thus... Well, didn't feel like indulging the buzz-kill of thinking about Lush Boy.

No story this week...

Coming Next Week--The Maybe Suicide Call...

And catch up on earlier chapters of this tale, and other Sunday Story Time fare, via the Daily Limerick Archives...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/29/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Understanding the void

 

We will not meet in blackness,

all bony and unzipped of self.

Rather, an endless green pool

will greet us.

The more we stare, the more

the color will slide

to a thin, veiled yellow.

 

Rising at the edge of the water,

delicate trees engulfed at their tips

in white budding blossoms of flame.

 

We will glide down to meet them.

The trees will shrink and grow giant.

The fire will not burn.

The water will not drown.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2011:

Amid eating, drinking and screwin'--

and all your Memor'yal Day doings.

Say brief pray'r in memory--

lives spent, so we'd be free...

Reason we're off barbecuin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2011:

Who says Limericks can't be sentimental?... Admit it--you're gettin' misty, aren't ya'?

Or is that the finger in... Anyway...

Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2011:

With Midwest, by this point, spring-starved,

cold spell hit--to say least, non-marv!

Sure, Nature's to blame...

I'll cop, just the same--

sorry for my "spring" wash of scarves!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2011:

One of the handful of "top" news stories Chicago's local, broadcast news covered last Friday entailed a suburban playground tragedy.

One of those giant, inflated slides, set up for a grade-school, end-of-school-year party of sorts, fell over while children where on and around it.

Many children were...hurt.

Hey, is wasn't like the freakin' Patriot Act was being renewed in Congress.

Oh, that's right. The Patriot Act WAS renewed in Congress...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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