Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2011:

Seems Alabama's hubbub-making

illegals purge has farmers quaking!

Those of the U.S...

Work ethic unblessed--

can't do the jobs Mex'cans are "taking"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2011:

So the British Monarchy dilly is going to reconfigure things and allow women just as much right to inherit thrones and such as men.

So, a system that hasn't been relevant in, what, 200+ years--for which its "rulers" are merely symbolic--decides to enter the 21st Century?

Joke all you want, but the ramifications are immense here. Why, this decision affects a full... Say, .000001 percent of British women!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2011:

New threat to kids, experts foresee?

It's secondhand--get this--TV!

Can stunt mental growth!

The best antidote?

Make whole freakin' world Rated-G!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2011:

Okay pop makers...SODA makers, for all you non-Midwesterners who use the language improperly... Fridge packs?

Stop it.

Stop it NOW.

Twelve cans of pop, packaged length-wise... Supposed to be more "convenient"?

Pain in the taint to carry around. "Conveniently" don't fit in a bag nicely, like, you know, the old school, box shaped model?

And, really, doesn't everybody have a shelf that allows space for, say, a gallon of milk, or a juice bottle?

The original packaging WAS a fridge pack.

Lose the "fridge packs." Or else...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2011:

Speed dating? Online? Though it's swerved

to "normal," I've still old-school nerve

to dub "lame"! Saw ad baiting

men... Lack? Speed dating?--

Regained fear of forest preserves?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2011:

Anybody remotely aware of professional hockey, or any kind of hockey, or ice skating or... Okay, anybody who's ever seen an ice rink knows about the Zamboni.

You know, the big, steamroller-like machine that drives around the ice to smooth it?

Well, the other day, we were catching a hockey game, and we've followed hockey for many moons, but for the first time we saw, or at least noticed, a mini-Zamboni like device, brought out in a short break in the action, perhaps to do some smoothing without disturbing the action by enlisting the regular Zamboni, which is perhaps saved for intermissions and such, when the ice is clear.

So what do you call that thing? A Zamboni, Jr.? A PZ--personal Zamboni?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2011:

Brit monarchs--inbred mooch-aholics,

made welfare-rich, solely to frolic--

just NOW, past atone?

Chicks same rights to throne--

when royalty's merely symbolic?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2011:

Okay, so we've poked our share of fun at the struggling traditional news industry.

And although we're members of the profession, or were, or whatever--and thus are allowed to kick the field while it's down, in fact dying--we've been trying to lay-off in bashing it. We try to avoid hitting the same old targets...that sorta thing.

But get this. The Chicago Sun-Times, and we're assuming this trend is mirrored across the industry, has had trouble with its ridiculously outdated weekly TV preview thingie.

First, they cut it altogether. Then, the old people--likely the majority of its subscribers--cried foul, so they brought it back in a dumpier format.

Now they've reworked the thing into this TV Weekly mini-mag, glossy and full color, bringing back some of the pre-dump features. It apparently is a national publication, reworked for each local market.

Sound a bit odd? Well, here's how it's allegedly possible--

You have to pay EXTRA for the thing in the future. Our copy last Sunday was a "free sample." And it's $40 a pop for an annual subscription.

So... Isn't one of the Big Villains plaguing the industry the proliferation of free content, versus an industry that's traditionally run, partially anyway, on paid subscriptions?

So, part of the brain trust seeking to solve this complex dilemma is doing it by... Hmmm.

Are we SURE the Internet is all that's killing traditional media?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2011:

A fag they called "Bottoms" will flop

to knees for all cute guys-can't stop!

Now local Gay Lore--

tale of night he scored

a pass backstage for the Four Tops!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2011:

Caught an AHL game, at least in the background at an establishment, the other day.

As in the American Hockey League. Still pro, but essentially minor league. At least a cut below the National Hockey League.

Now, few things catch my attention less than AHL hockey. But I must admit they have a much cooler-looking penalty box, not to mention a Penalty Box Cam that shows it off nicely.

So... Just sayin'. We'd like a little something to spice-up that penalty box idea. Which, you gotta admit, is the coolest penalty system in pro sports.

Just sayin'... I guess it's said...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2011:

All working democracies should

see protests--and "Occupy's" good!

From town-to-town flows!

New Fall Season shows?

Can we... Occupy Hollywood?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2011:

U.S. Congressman Joe Walsh (Rep.-Ill.) has been honored as a "True Blue" politician by the Family Research Council Action committee.

See, although Walsh owes more than $100,000 in back child support to his kids and ex-wife, he...er, stands firm against gays' right to marry, because... Well, because that prevents a significant portion of the population from starting families.

Um... Okay, he's probably "True Blue" because he's firmly against planned parenthood and abortion. You know, forcing people to have kids, and thus families, whether they want to or not.

Or something.

He's also against Obamacare because... Well, we're confused about all this, honestly.

But trust us. The FRCA is the expert on what "family" really means. So just ignore all the pop wisdom on the matter and quit focusing on token gestures like supporting one's children and such...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/6/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...Is still recovering from All Saint's Day... See ya' next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/6/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Elegy for Jeff

 

I'm already forgetting about you.

This ceaseless move-ahead is making

it hard to fathom or focus on the

reality of you no longer being here.

 

Not dead, but excommunicated

from my life just as surely.

Barely had time to pack your things

before they shut off the spigots:

 

e-mail, done. Company phone,

we'll take that back. Did they

even give you a chance

to let your former clients

 

and industry friends

know about your new condition?

One that is not fatal if caught,

but the dreams are dead, anyway.

 

You've been here since the '70s.

Worked with me for nearly a decade.

The next manager in line better

prepare to have her neck slashed

 

by the next manager in line after.

I will be trained via e-mail

with the newest protocols

to sop up the gore.

 

I take that back. I can't forget.

Always concluding your thoughts

with a "And that's the story."

I thought it was a tic.

 

"And that's the story."

Not the final thought.

Not your final story.

But mine knowing you.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2011:

Thanks to some clod marketing hack,

stuck hauling unwieldy "fridge packs"!

Bad fit, fridge or bag;

cheap handle's rag-tag--

whole reason for being, they lack!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2011:

Do ya' think vampires and other undead party hearty to welcome falling back from Daylight Savings Time?

Speaking of the undead, we're gearin' up for Da Bears on "Monday Night Football" tonight and... How do you think Hank Williams, Jr.'s career's doin' about now? Think he and his rowdy friends are readin' up on the definition of "censorship"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2011:

Some "fam'ly" group, tribute did pay

to Rep. Joe Walsh--Tea Bag mainstay--

though hundred thou short

in back child support...

Who cares? He's pro-choice, anti-gay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2011:

Chief Limericist checking in, here... Keeping up on the European banking crisis... Getting bills in the mail every day, including unexpected new ones... Scrambling for income... Looking over my frightening budget for the month, I'm flustered.

Guess you could say it's all Greek to me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2011:

Daylight Savings end seems a blight

to most. Wake, leave work... Where's daylight?

But it's far from bummer

for undead--their summer

to party on long, chilly nights!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2011:

Chicago's Ledell Peoples stabbed a woman Halloween night over a missing bag of candy.

Well. We're keeping with the Wednesday food thing, ain't we?

Guess Ledell just isn't good Peoples...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2011:

Eye on Europe's bank tragedy,

I work my own budget and... Gee,

with doc and job ills

how do I pay bills...

Seems that it's just all Greek to me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2011:

First, there was a disturbing commercial for his-and-hers KY Jelly.

Followed up by one for some cleaning agent that outright mentioned the scrubbing technique of "clean-on-knees."

If we didn't know any better, we'd think that some prefer all women, one way or another, on their knees...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2011:

Pub transit orgs tout major pluses--

o'er station tweaks, track apps, make fusses!

While budget holes, still in,

on THAT they spend millions?

Why not try, say... More trains and buses!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2011:

A company named Narrative Science has received a Chicago Innovation Award for inventing, according to the Chicago Sun-Times, "a way to fashion stories, tweets and business reports without human writers."

Well. Now that we're feeling even more obsolete... Doesn't help our John Henry-esque battle vs. machine that the writer, Sandra Guy, improperly used the word "lay" in the article.

While this particular development is a definite bummer, it's not all that surprising. Especially the idea that human intelligence isn't required for a tweet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2011:

Man felt girlish throughout September

and wanted to change by December

for Yule celebrations

thus had operation--

'twas a November to de-member!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2011:

So "curvy" is the new euphemism for fat, huh?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2011:

Hank Williams? Ya' like to pretend

you're "victim"--not racist has-been?

Fired o'er whackjob quips?

That ain't "censorship"--

read-up, Monday, with rowdy friends!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2011:

For decades...perhaps centuries...perhaps throughout human history...black market goods have been more expensive than strictly legal goods. Due to the costs of smuggling, the danger allotment, etc.

Enter politicians balancing budgets on the back of smokers, giving way to "amusement taxes," now segueing to booze as pols struggle to contain their spending addictions and... Well.

The argument used to be that legalizing a non-legal drug would decrease costs and thus prevent some of the crime involved in addicts struggling to afford their habits.

But with the way things are now... Legalize marijuana, and we'll see the creation of "pot whores."

Black market markups ain't got nothin' on tax-junkie politicians...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/13/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hungry, Hungry Hahnkes

I was going to start by asking if Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers remembered the game, but I believe I saw it in stores, last Christmas Season, perhaps... Anyway, there's a game called Hungry, Hungry Hippos. It consists of a plastic arena, about the size of a large dinner plate, smooth and with a concave surface to facilitate marbles rolling around therein.

Marbles are released into the arena and each player controls a plastic hippo set on the arena's edge. He/she pulls a lever or pushes a button or something and tries to gobble as many marbles as possible.

TV commercials for the game featured a catchy single that went... Well, basically the lyrics were the game's name.

Enter our grade school librarian, Ms. Hahnke... Not sure of the spelling, which is perhaps for the best, but I think I've got it right there. Wasn't more obvious, like "South Park's" Mr. Hanky. She may have went by Mrs. or Ms. but... Always figured she was single. In that she was a school librarian type and, well... Not the most beautiful babe in the pageant, so to speak.

One day, while we were hangin' in the library, a group of boys, occasionally being scolded for talking/laughing too loud, one of the boys began singing, "Hungry, Hungry Hahnkes." We all laughed, as it was easy to picture Ms. Hahnke, her tight jaw open, bobbing for marbles.

He hee.

To this day, I occasionally get that altered jingle in my head and, with it, the vision of Ms. Hahnke bobbing for marbles.

Ha ha.

Maybe you had to be there.

Or maybe you just need to put that jingle in your head and picture YOUR grade school librarian bobbing away as, curiously enough, they all seem to look similar...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/13/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

Hey. Mike filed an edition last weekend, and he was recently married, so cut 'em some slack; he'll be back...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2011:

Whenever we reach a point that

a word stokes offense, go to bat

with new euphemism

to join P.C. prism--

now chub chicks are "curvy," not "fat"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2011:

So there's this TV commercial for Yoplait yogurt, touting its ability to help one cut-back on calories.

It involves a coffee shop and... Anyway, the "hero" of the commercial, the chick who opts against a calorie-laden coffee beverage in favor of yogurt... Is too freakin' skinny. Skeletor, you might call her.

As these things are carefully planned out in marketing meetings, focused-grouped, etc., we're not sure what the hell this says about things.

But it seems to say SOMETHING.

We'll also add that the line plugging the Yoplait-with-granola, "Add some crunch to your creamy," strangely turns us on...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2011:

Since underworld work requires sharks' grit

price mark-up on banned goods? A stark bit!

But growing vice taxes

go sky-high and, fact is,

now booze smokes? It's legal Black Market!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2011:

Newt Gingrich.

Michele Bachman.

Rick Perry.

Seriously. These early wannabe nominees and debates, all this hubbub and millions spent... Are Newt, Rick and Michele the only ones in the nation who don't realize they simply have no freakin' prayer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2011:

Dark retailers push us toward some

foul world--year-round Christmas on floor! Bums!

But read one store waits until

Thanksgiving, as God's will...

Shop there? Quite rare--but... Yay Nordstrom!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2011:

There's a new post-heart attack drug called Xarelto and... Yeah. It's Wednesday, thus supposed to be food-related content but... Well, many types of foods can help cause heart attacks, so we'll have to call that a tie-in.

Anyway, I know they put a lot into these names, so... Why were they shooting for a moniker that cries, "gay superhero"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2011:

Tech's Narrative Science scored sweet

award for new program that meets

biz writing demands

with no human hands!

(Fright'ning--but makes sense for damn "tweets"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2011:

We're sure glad of that technological development that allows one to mark a sent e-mail with an exclamation point.

Just seems to get more time consuming all the time, so it's nice to have something stick out like that, so you know to just delete it unread...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2011:

Exclamation point--e-mail flash!

Helps sort through spam-laden "In" stash!

Sender shouts, "Important!"

Which sure helps the sortin'--

that one can go straight to the trash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2011:

So there's all this hubbub about various retail establishments choosing to open for Black Friday deals on the evening of Thanksgiving, rather than the traditional Insane O'Clock in the morning the day after... And, no, we're not giving them extra pub with a freakin' link to a story about it.

The hubbub stems from armchair pundits crying, "Family!" As in, "Thanksgiving is supposed to be about FAMILY! This will interfere with a family holiday by causing folks to leave the Thanksgiving Table early!"

Er... Nobody seems to be pointing out that one, you know, doesn't HAVE to head out shopping on Thanksgiving, just because the stores are open.

But then again, we're just freakin' dinosaurs with our landline phones and our belief in personal responsibility...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2011:

A fella got into a rhythm,

he'd tease and he'd charm and he'd kid 'em--

chicks with huge-ass breasts,

his dating life, blessed--

could say that it was blouse-y with 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2011:

So we're trying to figure this out.

Once upon a time, MySpace was the be-all and end-all of social networking sites.

It's almost nostalgic, really, thinking about how good ol' MySpace set the tone for our indefinite relationship with social networking sites.

Ah, young hate!

Anyway, so Facebook comes along and, rather than just rolling over to die, instead preferring to hopelessly fight and protract its death, MySpace tried becoming more like Facebook.

What a freakin' nightmare. Takes forever to load, can't figure out how to do basic things like, sometimes, log the hell out... Simply a disaster.

And with recent reworkings, now it seems that Facebook is trying to be more like...the New MySpace? Takes forever to load, can't figure out... All that.

We're not sure what to make of all this, but you gotta admit it's peculiar.

On the plus side, maybe Facebook has a self-destructive thing going on...we can only hope...and pray...pray hard...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2011:

So many are flappin' their jaws

but latest Black Friday stunt's flaws--

a Thanksgiving kick-off?

From fam time, folks ship-off?

Yo, sheep--ain't mandated by law!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2011:

So in approving the disaster known as its 2012 budget, the commissioners of Cook County, which includes Chicago, actually voted down a penny increase in the tobacco tax that would've... Politicians? Voting down a chance to feed their spending addictions on the backs of those evil, no good smokers?

Sheesh. You know times are tough, and taxpayers have simply had it, when you read something like that.

Especially considering that Cook County politicians... Let's just say they make the Chicago City Council look like competent, thrifty legislators. And with Chicago already having a government and comprising most of the county, the whole idea of a Cook County government is a waste of money, time and sanity to begin with.

However, that penny increase only one tobacco tax increase on the table. Yes, it's come to that. So Crook County commissioners did indeed approve another tobacco tax, a rather draconian one, along with a liquor tax and a slew of others.

So you needn't worry that the very fabric of the universe is suffering a tear...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/20/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Method to My Missing...

...This week's edition exists. Bastards.

See, the weekend after Thanksgiving is a marvelous excuse for taking a vacation from the section. Then again, as our work is part of the entertainment industry, we realize that you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, our clients of sorts, will be relaxing for the post-holiday weekend yourselves--and what better time to read a seasonally themed Sunday Story Time?

So I'm writing that oh-so-touching edition ahead of time and thus taking next week off--but nonetheless furnishing a holiday-weekend edition for you readers! It's the best of all world, thanks to the magic of literary deadlines!...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/20/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Somehow thought this past Friday was Black Friday... Think he'll return next week...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/20/2011:

Annabelle Echo checks in with this, via Facebook--

> Love the limericks!

We're flabbergasted.

Something non-annoying, non-depressing, non-useless...and actually NICE...from a social networking site?

And to think the Holiday Season hasn't even officially started yet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2011:

I spied a commercial that sees me

feeling a bit... Well, downright steamy!

No so much its babes

but the ending phrase...

Not sure why... "Add crunch to your creamy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2011:

The City of Chicago improperly kicks-off the "Holiday Season" with a turning-on-of-the-lights festival downtown on the Saturday BEFORE Thanksgiving.

What evil industry might sponsor such a holiday-cheapening stunt?

Why of course... BMO Harris Bank...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2011:

Debates, GOP, serve to stoke,

pathetic dreams 'mong gal and blokes

of pres'dential run.

Guess they're only ones

who somehow ain't in on the joke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2011:

Now, Facebook blows massive chunks and we only check-in briefly because... Well, isn't it a law that you have to at this point?

Forgive us if we don't know social networking well, but... So you log-on and do EVERYTHING within Facebook? So that all your "friends" and, more importantly, Facebook itself, know everything you're doing, including every freakin' "article" you read?

No potential for anything sinister there. No sire. Just go right on bending over with a smile... Pre-lube yourselves while you're at it, why don't ya'?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2011:

A drug's name should capture the ear--oh,

say for heart attack? Touch of fear. Though

seems drug makers felt flow

of new drug "Xarelto"

should scream out... What? Gay superhero?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2011:

Bridge mix.

We've just sorta rediscovered it, in a way.

Oddly enough, have never eaten it while playing bridge. In fact, none of us have ever even PLAYED bridge. Or is it, "Bridge"?

Various nuts, raisins... The latest bag we bought included malted milk balls, too. All coated in chocolate, some milk, some dark... Delightful.

Wednesdays are for food content, you know?

Carry on...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2011:

Her hipness, new in-law was bluffing--

but Joe found her hot! Breath was huffing!

So cornered Miss Quirky

and grabbed that jive turkey

to give her a glorious stuffing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2011:

Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2011:

Go 'head and indulge scam Black Friday!

I'll mark post-Thanksgiving in my way!

While you're fighting crowds,

I'm home, fridge endowed--

for Leftover Turkey and Pie Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2011:

Chief Limericist boggled and checked-in, here.

Went out of town for Thanksgiving. Thus wasn't home for my subscription newspaper copy, so picked-up the Chicago Sun-Times from a convenience store.

$1.75.

We're talking Friday's edition.

Regular price, $.75. Sunday edition, $1.50.

Thus, the one-time, most expensive edition brings one... Extra ads.

Fluff.

Waste.

Paying extra for businesses to shill ya'.

You know, we WERE kidding, or at least exaggerating, in saying Black Friday participants were just bending over, but...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2011:

There once was a girlie named Heather--

dressed formal, regardless of weather.

So horndog named Noah

did gift her a boa--

and soon, 'nother one lacking feathers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2011:

Have they tallied all the Holiday injuries yet?

Used to be that the Fourth of July had no competition, what with fireworks and good ol' American, er, ingenuity.

Now, any idiot can deep-fry a turkey at home.

And apparently, just about any idiot DOES fry a turkey at home...

Happy Extra Cheezy First Holiday Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2011:

Though big day's still Fourth of July

for clods to lose fingers and eyes,

now Thanksgiving's bird

makes day to thin herd--

since morons can at-home deep-fry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2011:

How many members of the Congressional Debt Supercommittee does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry. Trick question.

Wouldn't assign anything as important as changing a light bulb to that batch of useless, incompetent chowderheads...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/27/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Thankfulness

As we've finally, as of Friday--the day after Thanksgiving--entered the Holiday Season, no matter what Big Retail wants you to think (and, reminder, if you ever see Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving, ask to see the highest-level manager on premises, kick him/her in the nuts and tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya')... Well, it all starts with Thanksgiving for a reason.

See... Okay, first of all, I'll warn you that I'm going Literary Commando here. Don't worry--I have underwear on. LITERARY Commando means that... Well, I have no idea where the hell this one is goin'. Got Thankfulness and such in mind, a vague idea or two... So prepare for my unleashing of some sap.

Ahem. By "sap," I'm referring in a literary manner to... Now then.

The Christmas Season means...many things. Of COURSE it means giving gifts, watching claymation movies, decorating and making merriment (aka "partying hearty"). But of COURSE it also means being extra kind to your fellow man, perhaps giving something to charity and/or volunteering, spending time with family and focusing on your blessings, no matter how much they seem eclipsed by problems in your day-to-day life.

So is that second interpretation of the Season religious? That's up to you. I don't agree with the crowd whining about the "Christ" in "Christmas." But neither do I necessarily side with those leaning toward "Holiday Season" in inviting Jews for Hanukah, blacks for Kwanzaa, what-have-you... You can be atheist, agnostic or some form of non-denominational and still focus on the inner good of mankind and acts of helping others.

And you can enjoy tales of Santa and Elves and such whether you're Christian, Hindu or atheist.

Thus methods of indulging the Christmas Season (or whatever you may call it), or of simply ignoring it, are wildly subjective but, as far as I'm concerned, whatever philosophy one's festivity stems from should include BOTH components, as they need not be seen as competing--goin' crazy-ass festive AND the whole Goodwill to Mankind ball of red-green wax.

In a way, the two philosophies complement each other. Give to others and, unless you're a sociopath or banking executive, it helps make you happy. Make merry and you should feel like sharing that merriment with others. See how that works?

From my own point-of-view, entering the Season... I'll admit that things are looking up for a form of Scrooge-y rebirth. Part-time, regular work to supplement freelance and gigs is on the agenda into the foreseeable future. A temp gig scored for December, then a well-paying part-time gig doing something I REALLY want to do (acting) kicks-in with 2012. And freelance/gigs are on the uptick, too. Plus a literary agent is currently considering representing me and my novel... Mind you, I need more than the part-time gigs, the freelance can fade in a day, the agent thing is uncertain, and even if it turns certain, many folks sell novels and still can't quit a full-time day job... But therein lies much of my point here.

It can ALWAYS be better. And it can ALWAYS be worse.

I could focus on the fact that I'm still talking part-time, that I still have debts that can work me into a stressy frenzy just thinking about them, that I'm without a M'Lady in my life... Or I can focus on how things are looking up. Of course, being human, I tend toward both on any given day. And while it's best to focus on those positives year-round... There's just something about the Christmas Season that requires extra emotional vigilance, perhaps to set the tone for a new year soon to begin.

It's simpler than we tend to make it. Mood is mind over matter. That might take practice, but it is.

So you can fret about just how you're gonna afford the extra expense of the Season, or get jolly about it all.

Which to pick? Which feels better?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/27/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...May or may not have been trampeled Black Friday when he ducked-in to a 7-11 to grab a Slurpee... Next week?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2011:

Clods' bickering failure's a pity--

that Congress debut "supercommittee."

How many'd it take

to change light bulb? Sakes!

Trick question--too hopelessly shitty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2011:

Headline--

"Florida Police: Fake Doc Injected Cement, Tire Sealant in Woman's Rear"

Well.

That's the first we've heard of a chick having "junk in the truck"--literally, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2011:

Now Facebook's first quest was replacing

MySpace as the Social Site Ace Scene.

So irony's reeking

as site's meddling tweakings

do threaten a Facebook "MySpacing"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline-

"Black Friday: Scuffle at Local Store"

Have we thanked the retail industry lately for all they do to foster the true Spirit of Christmas?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2011:

When's Yule Season start? Well, I fear it,

since folks are sheep, Big Retail steers it!

Black Friday, folks ruffled;

shop contest with scuffles...

Thanks Retail for stoking true spirit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2011:

So there's some cell service commercial raping the song "Winter Wonderland" for the shilling and... Sorry, but "4G Wonderland" sounds an awful lot like "Orgy Wonderland."

Now that ad/marketing meeting included a rare instance where somebody should've cried out, "Is there a poet in the house?"...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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