Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2011:

There once was a fella named Stokes

loved hookers, but was always broke!

Though he craved head-bobbin'

he'd save on hand-jobbin's--

could say his cash went up in stroke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2011:

Taking in a preseason hockey game the other day, we saw the Detroit Red Wings Brendan Smith level an illegal, not to mention dangerous hit to the head of our Chicago Blackhawks' Ben Smith.

It high time somebody called attention to this scourge of Smith-on-Smith violence...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2011:

So Florida's Tea Baggin' drive--

test welfare role for drugs--was jive!

Less use than gen. populace!

Tea Baggers, get spendthrift

Big Government out our lives!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2011:

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that we at DL are a little suspicious of new technologies.

That is, stuff like cell phones, anti-social networking sites, watching TV shows and movies on two-inch screens... In short, inventions now aren't necessarily 100 percent "progress."

However... Hackers seized, and intended to bring to public light, explicit photos of Scarlett Johansson from her personal phone.

So who are we to go all Amish?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/2/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Spookin'

Last October, I worked at a Haunted House. I relished every moment (or most...or many), in fact telling myself to do just that because... Well, I've been marginally employed for a couple of years now and, in such situations, you always tell yourself to look on the bright side, at least regarding the future.

Thus, "You may never have the opportunity to work a spook house again. Next year, you'll undoubtedly have a more regular job schedule and be unable to swing it, so enjoy the shit out of this."

Well... Still marginally employed, although good part-time-plus income is slated to begin later this fall so... Was gearing up to do some Spookin' again this year.

I majored in journalism, part of a plan set in place since grade school, believe it or not. A teacher said I had a talent for writing, my parents liked that, encouraging me. I went on to writing my own little plays, Dungeons & Dragons adventures, what-have-you and working for the high school newspaper... So I'd pursue creative writing, getting schooled in journalism as a "practical" fall-back career.

That was before the Internet Revolution, of course.

After leaving my last in-office editor job, I mounted a successful, full-time freelance career...for nine months. Then stories that previously paid as high as $600--or at least $100-plus--became "blogs" paying $20, if you were extremely lucky and... Believe it or not, I resorted to acting to pay the bills. (In addition to taking on debt and, frankly, mooching.)

This was 2008-09. With no recent, or even semi-recent retail, restaurant, etc. skills, given the nature of the Great Recession, I found that the only other skill set I'd honed, besides writing/editing, was performing. I hit poetry readings back in the 1990s as a social outlet, to find other like-minded folk, became decent onstage, progressing from humor poetry to comedy to emceeing... I realized I had more than 15 years of experience as a performer.

Thus, I took a shot at some of those Craig's List "talent" gigs and such. Now, this was just extra money to supplement the paltry freelance writing/editing gigs, temp work, what-have-you. Web commercial here, college directing class project there, extra gig here... All paid, though. And I'm fixin' to begin a well-paying part-time job in a dinner theater production next month.

So last year I figured, "Why not?" when I stumbled across ads for haunted house actors last year. Specifically, for two city spook houses, one at Chicago's tourist trap Navy Pier and the other sponsored by the Chicago Tribune Company and produced by local theater group Collaboraction. (There were/are suburban options, too, but while the pay is decent, it's less decent when you factor in travel time and cost to the non-city gigs.)

My specialty in performance is comedy. And I'd like to mostly keep it that way. I've actually done drama, but I've got no Robin Williams-y thing about using comedy as a gate to "serious/important" gigs. I like comedy more, the actors' view of what's "serious/important" is flat-out wrong and... Honestly? I think comedy is actually harder to do.

But I'm a huge scary movie fan, too, so I was stoked for the haunted house thing. Playing a monster is one exception to my acting ideal.

I was hired. First, by Navy Pier, although I was a little bummed at the extra travel time it takes to get there. (It isn't too rough for me to get to the Pier, but you have to go WAY out on said pier to the actual Halloween attraction, effectively adding almost a half-hour to that commute.)

I accepted the job... Then was hired for the other gig, "Chronicles of the Cursed." It paid more and was a fairly quick, one-bus trip away, so I cancelled the Pier gig and took that one. There was an initial meeting, then a costume fitting, a couple opening publicity events and it otherwise ran weekends.

I think it ran just Saturday for that first week of October. Then something like Friday-Saturday the next week, then Friday-Saturday-Sunday and increasing until Wednesday through Sunday (Halloween in 2010) that final week. There was a bonus in it if you could make every single night/engagement, but I had to miss a couple. One was insanely early, another fell on the night of my cousin's wedding and a third conflicted with a Halloween showcase gig wherein I performed my dirty parody of Poe's "The Raven."

This was a new thing for me, but most of my fellow spookers were really, and I mean REALLY into it. Some were excited about being paid at all, having volunteered for such gigs in the past. There were producer and sound and prop and construction types involved. There's a whole lot that goes into these things. I'd learn that some of them attend freakin' haunted house conventions and stuff all year!

For our paid run-through/rehearsal thingie (only open to select members of the public), I played a ghousish creature in the crypt area. (There was a crypt area, a butcher shop o' human flesh area, an evil priest and priestess area...stuff like that.) There was a built in hiding place for me amid the elaborate October-only structure (set-up in a Tribune warehouse parking lot) and I was given artistic freedom, within certain bounds--stay between this spot and that spot, try to jump out HERE when you hear people coming, then zoom back to the hiding place again... That sort of thing.

I thought I did a decent job in the crypt, but I was then informed that I would be mostly playing Rock Monster. I'm not sure how they picked me for that, but in my opinion, I thus had the sweetest gig in the whole operation.

Rock Monster was a combination costume-puppet. There was a giant, heavy costume of a creature that looked like, well, rocks, with eyes that lit-up red and a gaping maw. The costume was suspended from the ceiling via chains, to help support its weight, although it hung at a level where you had to use some strength to lift it up a bit--including by waving his massive, rocky arms. It was rigged with a remote control-ish thingie, too. Each of the half-dozen buttons emitted a different roar, laugh, scream, etc. and also lit up its face.

In short time, I became an artist with that remote control. You could, say, hit a button to start one noise, then cut it off by hitting another button and beginning a different noise... The chain system allowed you to mostly just move backward and forward--crouching back by the wall, away from attendees, to zooming right up in their faces... You could hear patrons as they approached from the section before mine--the rock/cave area was the last before the exit--and I realized that horror and comedy had some similarities.

Working a spook house, as in telling jokes, timing is of utmost importance.

While I was informed that I could "mix it up," regarding spook house roles, as things got going, I was totally into the Rock Monster thing, so I only mentioned the idea of mixing up a couple times, and those were admittedly meek. On the nights I wasn't able to work, my fill-ins mostly didn't like the gig. Maybe the giant-puppet nature of Rock Monster seemed non-actor-ish, or less in-your-face or... I don't know.

Oh, in the name of "acting experience," I switched once, unofficially, with another guy in my rock area, letting him play Rock Monster while I wore this hunchback getup...but I stuck with Rock Monster otherwise. And loved it.

The unknowing might feel that Rock Monster was "easy" compared to other roles. Rather than speaking/screeching/whatever, you pushed a button for amplified sounds and facial expressions /bodily gestures were a non-issue. But it was a trick to hit the right sounds (and mix 'em together), utilize timing with bad visibility from within that costume, wave those heavy arms in-synch with the rest of it all... One of my smoke-break fill-ins called it a "real bitch."

And, man, was I sore for most of that month, spooking around in that heavy Rock Monster puppet-costume. My hands were raw and bruised from working the arm levers while holding onto that audio controller... I actually waved those heavy arms so much that one fell off, a couple times, getting me lectured by prop-tech dudes, although not TOO heavily lectured, as it was hard to blame me for being so damn into Rock Monster.

From my experience attending haunted houses in the past, I know there are always the Macho Dudes, cracking wise about how the whole production isn't scary and blah blah blah. But I can tell I legitimately scared the crap outta the vast majority of those I was supposed to scare. I could hear the screams and comments. The, "Holy shit--what is THATs"... One of my favorite lines overheard? "I knew we shouldn't have taken that acid before coming to this!"

In writing this, the memories are flying back at me and I realize that I could really expand upon this. Expand the shit upon this tale. But this'll have to do as a Sunday Story Time installment and, like all good SSTs, I may be able to expand for some other project in the future.

I like Halloween but, especially compared to some of my haunted house coworkers, I've never been a huge Halloween nut. Always SAY I need to work out a costume and such each year but... Well, sometimes do, sometimes don't. Overdoing Christmas is my thing.

But when the last groups headed out the door of Chronicles of the Curse, leaving the echoes of the Rock Monster's growl behind... Midnight hit, it became Nov. 1 and Nov. 1 felt a lot like Dec. 26.

What's more, for reasons of the economy, or poor profits last year or...I don't know, the Chronicles house was nixed for 2011.

I've been checking the ads. I was even willing to work Navy Pier this time but... Nothing in the city this year.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think we've stumbled upon one of those "enjoy the now, because you never know how long things last" life lessons...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/2/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Is honeymooning, we think, having gotten married last weekend... In any event, he has a good excuse for blowing-off this week's edition... Maybe next week?...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2011:

Vi'lence is the scourge of our time--

oft having no reason nor rhyme!

Black-on-black? Pure shame!

But caught hockey game...

Learned of new scourge--Smith-on-Smith crime!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2011:

Bank of al-Qaida... Er, Bank of America is sponsoring the Chicago Marathon, which is coming up Oct. 9.

The banners and ads are everywhere here in Chicago.

So that folks focus on this Good Corporate Citizen Deed and not the fact that they won't let you refinance your mortgage or that us taxpayers bailed-out the incompetent weasels or that they're kicking the financially struggling square in the nuts by imposing fees on debit card usage.

Wonder where they got the money for this publicity push...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2011:

Sure, times are tough--but I was stunned!

Snack time after a snacky run...

Found candy, "fun size,"

has suffered demise...

Now they're even downsizing fun?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2011:

Happy Birthday to Fox News!

Yup. Turned 15 this weekend.

So... They should be over that puberty thing pretty soon?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2011:

Today, new "South Park" season starts!

So it's National... Do your part!

Hint, Halloween way...

Keep vampires away

with... Salisbury steak through the heart!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2011:

Whoops.

Yeah. It's National Salisbury Steak Day.

Kinda screwed-up with the promotion leading up to it.

Meaning we didn't do any.

Of course, with all the hubbub of changing Wednesdays from a special food "Pull-Out" section to just the regular content being food-related... Oh, the humanity and all.

Moving, you know, desks around and such in the, um, Daily Limerick, er, Towers.

Don't forget the buttered noodles! (Ideally, although, sigh, mashed potatoes are acceptable)...

Happy Extra Cheezy National Salisbury Steak Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2011:

Fox News--big anniversary!

Now 15 years, been on TV!

Big change may occur...

awkward, immature

no more--grows beyond puberty?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2011:

So grocery stores are finally phasing-out many of those annoying, perpetually screwed-up self-checkout devices.

We hate those near-robot things but an argument can be made, in this economy, that even freakin' MACHINES are getting laid-off now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2011:

Most see all new gadgets as rad,

while I question role of each fad...

World walks, head-in-cloud texting;

sees Scarlett J's sextings...

Guess gadget tech ain't all bad!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2011:

Watched an rerun of an old "Jack Benny Program" the other night. Good stuff. Anyhow, his guests were Peter, Paul and Mary.

I figured out a way to tell Peter and Paul apart. Since Mary should be obvious. Of course.

Paul is taller. Paul rhymes with "tall" and... There ya' go.

Couple decades late on that hint, but better late than never.

Usually, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2011:

A vagrant once oft slept in ditches

found wealth--some'd say, went Rags to Riches!

Yet since his cash flow

came from pimpin' ho's--

I'd say his tale was Rags to Bitches!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2011:

Oh, the terror that awaits us old-school subscribers... Each day we run to the porch to face... The Incredible Shrinking Newspaper!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Halloween Month Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2011:

For Halloween month, here's a caper

to solve--I turn wide-eyed mouth gaper

at doorstep, each morn...

See Hell's spawn reborn--

the incredibly Shrinking Paper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2011:

So this new-ish alcoholic beverage called Four Loko has become popular among the young adult crowd and, especially considering it has more than twice the alcohol content (proof) of beer, this has gotten the Federal Trade Commission up in arms.

However, Four Loko has deceptively advertised itself as containing the same alcohol content as beer. So the FTC's answer is to force Four Loko to label its alcohol content in an obvious manner.

So... Hmmm.

Shilling booze to college students by claiming lower alcohol content...preventing college students from drinking so much by pointing-out higher alcohol content... Huh?

Is this some Halloween stunt? Four Loko and the FTC switching natural roles or something?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/9/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...Is... Figuring out a Halloween costume?... Something?... Hey, it's been a while since we took off--and last week's edition was long enough to be a two-parter...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/9/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Well, he was married late last month, so we're laying-off harassing him too much about this section... Should return soon... Or soon-ish...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2011:

So now those self-checkouts are deemed

fated--folks dislike them, it seems.

Meant for job destruction--

and most poorly functioned

but... Now they're downsizing machines?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2011:

With all these silly catch-phrases from an aging society like, "60 is the new 50!" and yadda yadda blah blah... Well.

Judging from the thoughts in MY head (Chief Limericist, here), especially with an Indian Summer warm-up goin' on here in the Midwest, with women's clothing taking a lead from it... I'd say 40 is the new...12?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2011:

Into longer lifespans we delve--

nix milestones where once youth was shelved!

Like, "Forty's new thirty"!

But from my thoughts dirty

I'd have to say, "Forty's new...twelve!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2011:

Headline--

"Amish Castoffs Attack"

So... Amish on Amish crime?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2011:

Attracting pub, they can't be beat!

And PETA's new scheme cranks the heat--

a porn site unfettered!

Those actresses better

be gobbling down SOME kind of meat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2011:

Continuing our switch from special section to simple food-related content on Wednesdays--

Has anybody else noticed that "fun-size" candy bars are shrinking?

Guess it sorta fits the whole "wellness" revolution's War on Fun, though, doesn't it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2011:

At risk of sounding a bit mom-ish...

Violence brings threat to my aplomb! It

just worsens--now fists

from known pacifists

rise, sect-on-sect... Amish-on-Amish?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2011:

The Girl Scouts of the USA are updating their array of badges that scouts can earn, nixing some oldies and adding badges for stuff like web design.

Now... We thought the whole point of scouting was to get kids in touch with the outdoors. Web design... Well, at least they haven't added an "obesity" badge...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2011:

Four Loko's deceptive, Feds say--

so must label proof plain as day!

Its booze kick trumps beer,

so making that clear...

It's s'pposed to keep young folks away?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2011:

Everyday, some "expert" is claiming the job market, or the real estate market, or the economy overall is about ready to finally take off.

Which got us wondering... What if it's the same person making all of these predictions? Or perhaps the same entity is more proper?

Could Chicken Little have an overly optimistic brother?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/14/2011:

Noted Chicago musician Hec Moreno checks in, via Facebook, with this, regarding yesterday's Limerick on Amish violence (see the Archives, nut monkeys)--

> Sometimes you gotta just kick some fucking ass.

We keep meaning to find other such quotes from the Amish Bible...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2011:

As Halloween season kicks-in

the festive indulge pers'nal sin!

In own way, cel'brate--

backwoods Southern states

see 'Ween as high time to pump-kin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2011:

Tomorrow marks a rare opportunity for opportunistic jesting.

Regarding the National Football League and the oft borderline homoeroticism of sports fandom, one of tomorrow's games pits St. Louis vs. Green Bay.

Thus... Rams-Packers.

He hee...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2011:

Football's manly--so feel its backers!

With "tight ends," jock worship and sacks! Er...

Seems homoerotic!

Today's pun fun hot tick?

Why, rare giggle worthy... Rams-Packers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2011:

So today is National Boss' Day and... Hmmm.

Actually, without bothering to look into the matter, we're guessing the whole designation was bipartisan, whether by Congress or simply among the politically minded at greeting card companies.

The mere idea of celebrating the Gold Parachute-laden is rather Republican.

On the other hand, it's easy to blow off, a pro-union-y Democrat thing, considering it falls on a freakin' SUNDAY...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/16/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Harley and the Newspaper Industry

While my grandfather died a slow, painful death of cancer, I was a child at the time and barely remember it. Thus I'm lucky in the sense that, as an adult, I haven't been subject to such a gut-wrenching process involving someone close to me.

At least not one involving a person.

But in 2002 my cat, Harley, came down with a fatal disease and, while there were some long-shot attempts made at saving his life, I mostly just spent extra time with him over a period of a couple weeks or so knowing full well that he was near death, watching him grow continually weaker.

While I could've avoided Harley to a large extent, without totally ignoring him, I gave him extra attention. In fact, I opted to be there by his side with the vet as the fatal dose was administered to put him to sleep and out of his misery. Petting him, holding one of his favorite toys by his paws... It was awful.

But I felt obligated to send him off knowing he was loved, to do SOMETHING, even it if wasn't much, to take his cat mind off the pain or whatever frightened thoughts were racing through his head. The whole tale's been related in Sunday Story Time, so I won't dwell on it beyond this recap. It's not the main point of this story, but it will eventually tie-in. Trust me.

It's relevant because I'm a journalist. Or perhaps WAS a journalist. Continue to make some writing income, but haven't actually covered anything, or published in a newspaper, magazine or relevant Web site in...is it really years now?

I guess I'll always BE a journalist, if a non-active one--or perhaps it's best to say "recovering journalist." I majored in journalism as a "practical" job to rely on while pursuing more creative writing endeavors, worked many publications in the field... I blathered out more details of this career path in the last Sunday Story Time edition and, in any event, my bio, resume and such are on the site.

I became a non-practicing journalist because... Well, you may have noticed that the field is in trouble, thanks largely to free content availability on the Internet and other factors. For a while after the Great Recession hit, I wrote theater reviews affiliated with a "major" Chicago daily newspaper, for peanuts, operating under the traditional assumption that it was an "in" until... Well.

The major newspaper in question is in bankruptcy. Layoffs are now routine. Its size continually shrinks, my favorite columnists and such have mostly been dropped (can't afford the higher salaries)... As my local goes, so goes the industry. So working mostly for an "in" begged the question of..."in" with what, exactly?

As a recovering newspaper writer, I am also a newspaper reader--and I have what might be described as a newspaper "habit." I continue to subscribe to... Okay, I'll name it--the Chicago Sun-Times. In addition to the loss of favored columnists (one of the reasons I pick the Sun-Times over its competitor here, the Chicago Tribune) and ridiculous attempts to evolve (more "reality" TV coverage, axing fave comics in favor of crappy "edgy" ones), the actual news coverage is flagging.

Internet issue aside, newspapers had been trumped, timing-wise, by television and, hell, way before that with radio. But I preferred them nonetheless to TV/radio because the coverage was more thorough and I could pick and choose which stories to read rather than put-up with TV's weather-fetish and lame-o consumer report-ish things, for instance. But now, as one reliant on newspapers for news, I didn't even learn of the Occupy Wall Street deal into a week or so into it--and the initial tip-off came from an "alternative" news org's e-mail update.

That's just one example of many as to how the "news" is vanishing from my "newspaper."

Subscribing to a newspaper is expensive and, in addition to the Internet, Chicago has a free news rag, the Chicago Tribune's RedEye edition, which is wimpy in size and lacks weekend editions but provides a good overview of top headlines and brief coverage. Internet news has evolved, too, as newspapers have devolved. At first, getting news through the Web was overwhelming. I could set up my homepage and such to deliver news only on relevant topics, for instance, but I like the overview of all arenas a traditional paper provides and wasn't sure which blog pioneers I could trust out of the 'Net-unleashed zillions. Now, traditional and non-traditional papers alike have content available for free, providing the generalization I want, and they've become more legit, to boot.

I started the daily newspaper habit at the urging of college teacher of mine, Karen Springen, once of Newsweek, and have rarely missed a day since (reading all headlines and such, some full stories, some partial stories)...but why do I continue to buy the physical newspaper? One of the few reasons left from my former slew of them is that I prefer the physical newspaper to read on the bus/train and around the house (going to the bathroom, room-to-room...I'm a big multi-tasker with weird habits and we'll leave the explanation at that).

Someday I may yet have a smart phone but, still, I'm not big on the idea of reading a two-inch screen or of displaying an expensive theft target on public transportation--so, yes, one of rare reasons left to be a Newspaper Person is a biggie. Still, this newspaper obsession almost qualifies as an addiction, at this point. I'm tech savvy, marginally employed while newspaper subscriptions are expensive and... I'm starting to feel pathetic about it.

Pathetically complementing my newspaper reading addiction is my addiction to pursuing journalism as a career--or income supplement or part-time gig or whatever. Yes, I continue to make some writing-related income, mostly from individual clients. And, yes, as a creature of habit, I've had to almost force myself to slowly drop time-consuming Web sites from my job/gig-checking routine. And, yes, I deserve some slack for following an old-school journalist's ambitious strategy for more than a decade and, being human, finding it hard to kick that routine (which once included regularly sending writing clips and resumes to media outlets, following up by phone, getting the latest contact names--a scheme that landed me the respectable journalist's resume I boast).

But it's more than that. Sure, the industry will likely emerge in somewhat better shape, eventually. As I've long maintained, unpaid bloggers aren't going to leave their mother's basement and put on pants to cover city halls. And as free content destroys pro media outlets, there would eventually be no links to publish if SOME form of traditional (aka paid) reporting doesn't survive. But my personal niche was more features-related, not the hard news coverage that is most likely to eventually be reborn.

So while I've struck SOME of the time-wasting job sites from my routine... Why, why, why?

I receive a file, through e-mail, from a local journalists' organization on a weekly basis. It's sent out so that one doesn't have to check its Web site regularly. It's a pain in the ass, for many reasons. It comes with a link, from which it downloads a Word file, which is gigantic and mostly irrelevant to anybody not willing to drop everything and move to Backwoods, Tenn. for that old-school industry "in." But it does feature local opportunities that could, in theory, fit my skill set and all.

Even in better journalistic times... Well, I've only dubbed two or three jobs on that list "fit for application" over the 15+ years I've received it--and I never landed an interview from any of them. Of course, year-by-year it has grown even more irrelevant to me, so much so that I've dubbed it "ShitJobs.com," even though it's more properly a list I check and not the Web site.

Recently, I received the update. It was a Friday night or something, as it's always sent at some less-than-ideal time, and I try to do a quick e-mail check before bed, so I clicked on the link and went through the whole process, as I usually do, because I'm nutty that way--I feel compelled to balance my bank statement right after retrieving it from the mailbox, for instance, even if I'm in the middle of something else... Ahem.

So I'm cursing, "Damn ShitJobs.com!" while I'm compulsively going through the time-consuming, futile motions of a dying career path, perusing the increasingly lame comics page in my representative of the dying newspaper industry while awaiting the download and... Well, I was reminded of Harley.

Remaining by the side of an entity, wallowing in the pathetic and in sadness, spending inordinate amounts of time and money, all the while wondering if my actions accomplish anything positive while feeling nonetheless compelled to be there for a hopelessly dying friend's final breath...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/16/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Well, we're still giving him that grace period or whatever, although it has been a three weeks since he got hitched... Anyway, he'll return sometime soon...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2011:

Each day, one expert or another

says jobs, housing, Dow--pick, per druthers--

is 'bout to turn 'round...

Hey, ain't that the sound

of Chicken Little's rosy brother?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2011:

Headline--

"Family Lost in Corn Maze Calls 911 for Help"

Although the news story we read offers no insight into the detail, this is one of those stories where you sincerely hope the oft obligatory "authorities believe alcohol was involved" is part of the equation...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2011:

All new Girl Scout badges do seek to be

more modern--like "Web Design's" one we'll see.

But ain't Scout's attraction

fight 'gainst kid inaction?

At least there ain't one for "obesity"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2011:

The Texas Rangers' Josh Hamilton's a dick.

Make that a prick. Sounds worse, don't you think?

See, Hamilton's had some drug/alcohol problems, so when the pro baseball team celebrated its winning the America League pennant the other day, the entire team refrained from drinking the traditional Champaign.

Since I'm a recovered alkie--Chief Limericist checked-in, here--I can make fun of these sorts. It's one of those rules, like N-Word usage.

So Hamilton made the ENTIRE REST OF THE TEAM miss out on something that is harmless to them so that the poor baby wouldn't be tempted.

Does he ever walk down the street? Watch TV? Attend parties?

Does every party he attends go alcohol-free on his behalf?

Are liquor stores banned within a mile radius of where he lives?

Most of society drinks--and can do so harmlessly.

Get over it.

Prick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2011:

Was National Boss' Day--one day

that's partisan. GOP's fun way

to hail golden parachutes

and low tax on big loot--

but for Dems, this year, a Sunday!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2011:

Headline--

"Cops: Woman Hit Husband With Cupcakes"

Just remember folks, cupcakes don't kill people. People WITH cupcakes... Er, harm people, anyway...sort of...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2011:

Domestic vi'lence with a twist--

dame hit hubbie, not gun nor fist,

but deadly...cupcakes?

Now, for safety's sake

do we need a...FLOUR waiting list?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2011:

This Halloween season, there's a new monster.

Job statistics only tell part of the story... There are those who roam the earth, unable to collect unemployment compensation for whatever reason... There are those who have given up looking for jobs in this economy... There are those working part-time, or for shit pay... All of them uncounted by society... Beware--

The Un-Unemployed!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2011:

There're beings the job stats avoid...

Part-time; shucked career--grunt job droids...

They can't file for benes...

This 'Ween, number plenty...

Cursed, roam earth as... UN-UNEMPLOYED!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed's mentions, in her "I Spy..." section, that Rosie O'Donnell was spotted at a restaurant known as...The Piggery.

Nope. Too easy, even for us. That target's liking trying to hit the broad side of a barn with... Enough!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2011:

A handsome confectioner stole

his intern's heart--she woke, found rolled-

up panties, from daze,

confectioner's glazed...

Turns out, she was candy corn-holed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2011:

It brings us great grief to realize that some headline writer, somewhere, has been, is, or will be utilizing the phrase "Trick or Tweet" for some story about finding Halloween items online or whatever.

There's a reason this is the Season of Horror...

Happy Frighteningly Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2011:

Mainstream Media's teaching old

dogs new tricks, while keeping in fold

traditions ripe for snip-

ing like "expert" worship--

to "confirm" stuff like, "It's been cold"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2011:

So, now that the U.S. State of Alabama has really, really cracked down on Mexicans...er, illegal immigrants, farmers there are finding that U.S. farm workers are... Well, shitty.

But we're so good at that Facebook farm game!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/23/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Tryin' to Get Spooky...

...As in think up a scary topic for Halloween month... For the last SST edition before 'Ween, anyway, at this point... We'll return to scare ya' next week...somehow...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/23/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Well, he occasionally files an edition for this section...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2011:

Celebrity column news digger, she

spied Rosie O'Donnell out! Seems it'd be

time for a joke cheezy--

but it's just too easy

when Rosie chose place called... The Piggery!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2011:

Aren't we beyond ready for a All-Suspicious-Baby-Death-Legal-News channel?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2011:

Folks don't want "News That You Can Use"--

important stuff sends them to snooze!

Forget legislation

we need cable station

of All Missing Baby Case News!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2011:

Headline--

"Man Shot to Death at His Own Surprise Party"

As tragic as the tale is, it is ridiculously hard to truly surprise certain birthday boys and girls...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2011:

Corn maze, moron fam'ly did "solve"

By...911 call? I'll absolve

dolts of some the blame

if The Phrase sees claim

for such stunts--"alcohol involved"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2011:

"Experts" are now warning parents of very young children against watching television with the kids nearby, even if the rugrats aren't actually watching themselves because... Well, "secondhand TV."

Alright, everybody. Toss out the beer, replace it with a pacifier. Block every channel on your cable except Nick, PBS and the networks (but be careful with the latter). Warriors, toss away your guns in favor of flashcards! The world's apparently gotta go Rated-G, every square inch of it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2011:

There's rumor that King Vampire, Dracula--

has his evil pow'r to attract fuel a

yen for chubby-chasin'

on frequent occasion...

His many wives? Baby-got-back-ulas!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2011:

In preparing one of those ready-to-go, prepackaged fire logs the other day, I noticed wording on the packaging indicated that the log was "assembled in Canada."

Ahh. So that's why folks are freaking out about our porous borders. Damn Canadians taking all our jobs away...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2011:

A mummy went lookin' for some twot

and scored a slut stinko on rum--hot!

Eons since last action,

gave full satisfaction--

and finished it off with a mumm-shot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2011:

Okay. We've been brainstorming for days now and we at Daily Limerick have finally figured out our Halloween costumes for the year!

We wanting something a bit shocking...timely, yet likely relevant for some time to come...character(s) who are impressive to others in this day and age...something scary and/or unnatural and/or rare and/or at least out-of-the-ordinary, but not so much so as to be obscure... By Jove, we've finally got it!--

We're going to all the 'Ween parties and festivities as... Gainfully employed people!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2011:

Though ethics were vague, science was dandy!

So was Frankenstein thinking randy?

Those neck bolts? Ridiculous?

Plan's too meticulous...

As grips for oral'd prove handy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2011:

Speaking of oral sex and the undead... Found another great reason for Facebook's existence--

Learning that your ex is dating again.

Ah, social networking sites... How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

Happy Extra Cheezy Halloween Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2011:

Good Linus soon waits, pumpkin patch,

for Great Pumpkin, hoping to catch.

Seeks patch "most sincere"

but, this time of year

he's, too, starved for pumpkin-y snatch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2011:

Let's see, this new fall TV schedule... More crime/forensic/lawyer-celebratory shows... Another great comic made awful by bad sitcom producers... Anybody up for Occupy Hollywood?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/30/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I Was a Summertime Monster

As related previously in DL, I'm coming off what was one of the worst summers of my life. Perhaps, in fact likely, THE worst.

An awful sinus infection led to a surprise hospitalization at the beginning of June, around which time my then-fiance decided to move-out and, well, "dis-engage" me, I guess you'd call it... And I had the pleasure of dealing with that fun process, plus the emotional pinball game to follow, while hooking myself up to intravenous antibiotics daily for three weeks...which left me chained to staying home, inside all summer, whenever possible, during and for weeks after, because said antibiotics kill off many natural antibodies, meaning... Well, shitting your pants is always a possibility when you stray too far from a toilet... Jolly good time!

Oh, and for much of that time, I was bandaged and/or wounded around the top of my nose/eye, thanks to the gaping hole that resulted once the infection stuff was literally "popped" by one hospital doc.

So I'd occasionally look out the window, at the happy people, the women in their summertime clothes, recalling fond memories of recent summers where I'd carry my laptop out to the lakefront... I'd leave for some necessity or other, feel the stares at my bandaged countenance... Sometimes I'd overhear a child's laughter outdoors, remind myself the situation was temporary, smile with fondness for the very human race... Sometimes, I'd curse those who'd harmed me, eventually including that whole human race in that brood... Point being?

I know how it feels to be a monster.

So don't forget, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Monsters are people, too.

And scientists don't make monsters. PEOPLE make monsters...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/30/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Winter wins again

 

A catch in the throat,

a broach of speech,

these winter clouds

piling up in October.

 

How many expletives

in a plow's smoke?

Let's count.

 

Know this:

We will haunt the

fast food lanes

with the rest of you

 

when the power

stutters,

and spirals out.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2011:

There was a werewolf from Nantucket

who'd first ask his fave slut to suck it

then gaze at full moon

while ent'ring her poon...

He'd grow to beast--and she'd cum buckets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2011:

Boo!...

Happy Extra Cheezily Frightening Halloween!...

 

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