Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2011

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2011:

Stock stash, Warren Buffet, now slatin'

BoA chunk, for hope inflatin';

Obama, Comcast chief buds?

Dudes I dug, dragged through mud!

With friends like those, who needs...Satan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2011:

A Chicago Sun-Times investigation reveals that street gangs are becoming more and more advanced in their drug sale methods--with multiple gangs even MERGING now, forming mega-gangs like Chicago's Syndicate Four.

So... The point of the War on Drugs is educating inner-city gang members? We keep this up and soon they'll be into 401Ks and wellness programs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2011:

Word's now, for drug sales, gangs are merging.

An urban blight cure, Drug War's, surging?

New business skills phase?

Next--401Ks?...

's'That why, mid debt crisis, still splurging?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2011:

Saw an old TV show the other day featuring a character named Ralph Teal.

The last name may be spelled wrong--I only heard the name but... (Chief Limericist checked-in, here.) That's the name of a character in the novel I'm trying to sell.

Great minds think alike!

Or my mind is stuck thinking in the 1950s, or something, anyway...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/2/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Off for Labor Day

Yes, there's a rare excuse for this section being empty this time around.

Its imaginary writer is off barbecuing and such... Bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2011:

As classroom replaces the beach

wise students seek good start with teach!

An apple's tradition

but sluts on a mission

one up 'em with nice fuzzy peach!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2011:

When was the last time we thanked our government for unnecessarily pushing us all to digital TV?

With those old fashioned analog broadcasts, I didn't get to enjoy all these feed-scrambling screw-ups interrupting key moments in football games and suspenseful TV shows...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2011:

To digital, Feds nearly flogged

TV and now, as clears the fog...

I guess the attraction's

feed scrambles, mid action

of games--rare with ol' analog!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2011:

So U.S. National Women's Soccer Team star Hope Solo is now completely degrading herself.

Huh? No, we're not talking about posing nude (or more likely, "nude") for ESPN Magazine. That's hotter than shit!

She's actually desperate enough to be appearing on "Dancing with the 'Stars'"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/4/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: This is Not an Ad...

As a user of underarm deodorant--and who isn't, really, excepting the ridiculously poor and hardcore hippies?--I always use the "stick" type.

Now, I suppose many use "antiperspirant" rather than deodorant, although I'm not real clear on the differences. Perhaps some use "antiperspirant/deodorant"...but, really, who cares?

These days, I imagine roll-on deodorants are the only alternative to stick, but perhaps I'm forgetting something and perhaps they still sell the sprays, although I'm guessin' the Ozone Hole has put the kaibosh on those.

In any event, I always use stick. Speed Stick, to be precise. Oh, I've bought the generic equivalent before, admittedly. But in general, it's one of the few grocery items I must buy name brand. I prefer the "musk" scent, but they change scents so often, at this point I just go for whatever's closest to musk.

Why? Because that was the first deodorant I ever used.

Putting on deodorant is something we barely think about as an adult. Part of the routine, like showering. But I recall when I was given my first deodorant as a lad, Speed Stick, thinking, "Wow, I'm a man now! My underarms are gonna start stinking with manly sweat!"

I loved the manly, musky scent. Thus I was hooked for life as a Speed Stick customer.

A bit of a reach for a Sunday Story Time edition, I know. But after that sprawling roommate tale, it oughta be a welcome diversion...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/4/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: More things described

 

Two men sit on a park bench

talking impotently

about their impotency problems,

 

while a local wit quips,

"The only constant is someone

saying the only constant

is change."

 

Meanwhile, someone

in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s

acknowledges another night

of desperate drinking

in a ripping yarn

completely threadbare,

about as interesting

as actual sweater lint.

 

Here,

the poet winks at his audience,

reminding several in the crowd

they'd best avoid the side effects

and take their meds.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2011:

Seeking something witty to say

through Lim'rick, one more Labor Day...

Seems each year I lob

gag 'bout lack of jobs

for Lab'rin'... Grill, chill anyway...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2011:

So... Labor Day.

Good day to take off. But we feel we should toss out some form of wisecrack. One that doesn't seem like an annual thing.

So... Knock it off with the term, "vacay."

Stop it.

Stop it now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2011:

U.S. Soccer Team--she's come far!

So why, Hope Solo, Desperate Card?

I don't mean nude posing--

I'll catch THAT, no dozing

but... Why "Dancing with (Washed-Up) Stars"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2011:

So they're really going ahead with it?

They really think ANYBODY'S going to watch "Two and a Half Jokes" for something other than Charlie Sheen? Or the first episode, thanks to the Train Wreck Factor?

Come to think of it... Did we just come up with a "reality" TV show title?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2011:

A language evolves ev'ry day--

oft old rules do get in the way.

But there's still need to police

slang with taste's elbow grease--

let's put kaibosh on "vacay"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2011:

So the "reality" TV show "Same Name" flopped.

See, those geniuses in Hollywood found regular joes with the same names as celebrities and... Ahem.

No need, Hollywood execs, to simply ask one of us regular joes what we think before going through with all the mechanics of producing a show like that.

Just because we could've told you it was Lame-O-Rific ahead of time.

Then again, we can't explain how anybody's watching that Rancic knuckleheads so... Carry on.

We've got remote channel changers... Unlike, apparently, groups like the Parents Television Council...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/7/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Monte...

...Oh, Monte... (Sigh)...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2011:

For "Two and a Half Jokes" the scene's

stole by personal rift between

its star and producer.

Chuck's sole ratings gooser--

mark my words, will bomb without Sheen.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2011:

So we've been watching all the press about their comeback, or re-comeback, or "we need money again" tour and, admittedly, we're not savvy on the arena, having been mostly metalheads in high school but... Just how in the screech is Blondie "punk"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2011:

If TV execs would just stop

and ask folks on street 'bout their crop

of new shows 'fore they debut...

How could they not have knew

crap like "Same Name" HAD to flop!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2011:

Craig's List "gig" ad headline--

"Female Gamer Wanted"

We have the curious feeling that the headline's also a common refrain from mothers' basements everywhere...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/9/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Is it Fear of an Entertainment Tax?...

...Or something that's keeping anyone from taking on this section?

Because that wouldn't apply. Just asking, as that Tea Party seems to have everybody cowering over the thought of any taxes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2011:

A sly, horny schoolboy named Pember

would welcome girls back, each September,

from 'hind, back to school,

with poke from slide rule...

but secretly, "rule" was his member!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2011:

This just in--

Even though they're now reportedly being used to encourage school attendance through the use of celebrity voices, robocalls are always, ALWAYS evil...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2011:

Ten years since those fateful attacks.

World's changed, yet it ain't, looking back.

To help us all deal

with new world revealed

thank God "irony" wasn't whacked!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2011:

So it has been 10 years since the terrorist attacks now simply referred to as 9/11.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Daily Limerick didn't have too much to add to the discourse then--we were about two-years-old at the time--and that's the case today as well.

But like the Kennedy Assassination was to an earlier generation, I of course recall where I was when it happened and when I learned about it happening.

The planes hit the World Trade Center while I was en route to a job I had at a magazine. I was thus on an elevated Chicago train. Cell phones weren't yet the Complete Computer-Internet Everywhere Presence they are today, so I didn't know what happened until I entered the office.

Most of the staff was watching TV. Which seemed a little odd but, then again, it was an odd office.

As I hurried toward my desk to settle in, probably close to my exact starting time, I was asked, "Have you heard what happened?" I hadn't.

As was the case with most of the American/World populace, nobody in the office knew exactly what had happened. We were half assuming that more suicide planes were coming, or more attacks in some form. My boss, originally from Israel, mentioned that it was the anniversary of some talks between the Israelis and Palestinians, so we were guessing it had something to do with that.

Al-Qaida was not yet a household name.

Not a lot of work was accomplished in the office that day. We went to the boss' home, near the office, and watched more news TV into the afternoon. Co-workers made calls to friends/family in New York, Washington, traveling... I called the MAD Magazine office, knowing those folks from interning there, but not that day. I didn't know of others who might've been directly involved.

My personal world changed, of course. How could it not? Yeah, I knew all along that the talk of the "death of irony" was a bit much, and the nation returned to the "typical American" stereotype (for good and bad) eventually, after a period of guilty liberals attending mosques and folks being more aware of the world outside the U.S. Just as I, a reading-based news geek, eventually stopped leaving cable news on all day when I was home.

The U.S. economy, faltering before the attacks, slid further downward but eventually recovered... Or did it? Is all the turmoil going on now, outside of your dictionary definitions of "recession," really a separate issue from the attacks? Just as we were made aware of a new reality wherein America was NOT insulated from the turmoil of the world at large, now we find ourselves realizing we CAN'T continue to push off deficits forever and need eventually pay the piper, make massive cutbacks... But I digress.

Or perhaps I digress.

The job I had on 9/11/01? Soon it turned especially awful. The boss was a serial employee abuser, we were to learn. Made things so ugly that most quit. Those who didn't were fired. (The guy wasn't big on paying for others' health insurance.) I was laid-off, told to my face that I could collect unemployment...only to have the guy challenge it.

And eventually restart the company under a different name, to start the whole grind with another crew of pigeons glad to have jobs in a faltering economy.

Since then... Well, for a little over one year I held a full-time job with benefits and all. But that, too, turned evil in its own way... Otherwise, I can't say my own personal career, finances, etc. has ever quite recovered.

Perhaps that's not relevant.

Perhaps.

But perhaps, while 9/11 was undoubtedly a tragedy, it was also a wake-up call, causing us to face-up to not one, but multiple realities we'd been avoiding. As a nation and personally.

So I can't give you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers any convenient answers. Or even a great capper to this entry. But I think that's, really, my point.

The whole experience also proves that we actually NEED "irony" to face all this crap...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/11/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: NASA Shuttlebutt

When I was in grade school, my father, a United Air Lines pilot (eventually a captain), was technically in line to fly a Space Shuttle one day.

NASA was considering allowing private companies to fly the things eventually, United was considering becoming a contractor and thus my dad figured he just had to throw his hat in the ring.

The NASA-United connection never materialized and, since NASA has retired the shuttles recently, I thought the timing was right to throw out my own scuttlebutt regarding it all.

While my dad never made it into space, he did land on some form of VIP list and was invited to see a Space Shuttle launch. Close-up. Or close-up-ish, anyway. A bit ahead of the general public. So he took me along for the event, as a young boy interested in such things beyond the norm, as it was during my "wanna be an astronomer when I grow up" phase.

We flew down to Florida and watched from somewhere... Well, if it wasn't officially in the Everglades, it was on the outskirts. We were quite a distance from the actual shuttle, enough so that I digressed in my obsession with Space Stuff enough to hope for a close-up alligator sighting (which went unfulfilled)--but we were close enough to see the shuttle launch. I don't believe we could hear the countdown from our vantage point (this was some time ago) but, although the craft appeared small, we didn't have to squint or anything to make it out.

Decent "seats," as shuttle launches go.

As a means of gaining extra class credit and, truth be told, bragging about my "in" with the Space Shuttles, I narrated the event via a tape recorder, which was played in class along with a showing of slides from the launch, which my dad was in charge of shooting.

The experience was... Well, awesome. Goosebump-inducing. Jaw-dropping. All that.

Making my presentation to my class was... Well, the goal of upping my coolness wasn't accomplished. One of those moments where I found myself thinking, "This was suppose to make me look cool, but I'm coming off as a complete dork."

Oh, the slides themselves were cool and all. Was able to brag that my dad might be flying a shuttle one day. But my narration?... "There it is. It's going up. Up in the sky. A trail of smoke's coming from it. It's going higher. Higher..." Geez.

There's really not much leeway for commentary at a Shuttle launch. Absent a crash or something.

But screw 'em all. I've got a kick-ass memory now for the rest of my life.

Not to mention a special United-NASA-Space Shuttle baseball cap...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/11/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Mike...

 

...Is busy.

And, really, since it's the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks, he doesn't need more of an excuse to take off.

Not to mention that it's none of your freakin' business what Boom's up to...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2011:

A Craig's List ad, happened to spy--

"Female Gamers Wanted"! And I

think overall case is

many mother's basements

find that as a rallying cry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2011:

So ESPN has removed some anti-Semitic names for fantasy football leagues from its Web site.

In this case, and this case only, feel free to judge the whole lot of 'em by the undoubtedly few racist bastards among them.

Aw, okay, that's not fair.

But when I'm watching a game--you know, an actual GAME rather than following the stats of multiple players across all the games--no fantasy dorks need apply (or at least come anywhere near me)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2011:

Spent high school in metal head funk;

thought most other music was junk!

So, while I'm no expert,

wond'ring makes my head hurt...

So just how is BLONDIE dubbed "punk"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2011:

Breaking News... Emergency level, even!--

We're a little late in mentioning this, which might interfere with the whole "breaking" thing but... Anyway, back in May, my (Chief Limericist checked-in, here) edition of "News of Our Time--In Rhyme" (mostly non-Limerick verse about the news for a piddly little syndicate; more details on the site)... Well.

I ripped National Hockey League executives for pushing to save all the struggling teams in Southern cities while ignoring Northern cities like Winnipeg, where mere NHL exhibition games sell out in a snap.

I was then talking largely about the Phoenix Coyotes, who still exist to play for three or four fans, but... Over the summer, the Atlanta Thrashers moved to...Winnipeg.

So, that's the Power of Verse for ya', my friends!

Or the Power of the Chief Limericist...or something.

Geez. Startin' to worry about myself, though. Dropped the ball on a shot at saying, "I told you so!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2011:

TV used to run on Sex Factor,

but now thrives on crap like "X Factor"

and "reality"...

Now it seems to me

that TV's new lord's Train Wreck Factor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2011:

I noticed an interesting trend in following my mainstream newspaper columnists around the big 9/11 anniversary.

First, there's a column about how the Big Anniversary is coming and about all we'll do to commemorate it.

The, there's the column on 9/11/2011, doing the promised commemoration.

Then there's a column afterward, talking about how it was commemorated.

In their defense, I remember the storytelling technique being actually taught in journalism classes.

So, okay, traditional journalism needed a little kick in the pants.

But it didn't need to be KILLED...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/14/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hmmm...

...Hmm, indeed...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2011:

Long bitched 'bout how NHL's chose

to prop up teams in South in throes

near bankrupt; Great White North begs...

'Lanta moved Winnipeg!

Near missed my, "I told you so!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2011:

So prominent Iraqi cleric, agitator and U.S. nemesis Muqtada al-Sadr is telling his followers to lay off the attacks so that American forces leave by the end of the year, according to the current timetable.

Sheesh. You sure know you've worn out your welcome when a terrorist Islamic leader goes so far as to try PEACE to get you out...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2011:

Al-Sadr, Iraq's nutjob priest,

so wants U.S. presence to cease

to flock, cease-fire call

to keep planned withdrawal--

so desp'rate, he's calling for PEACE!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2011:

Speaking of terrorism, there's some news on a different terror front--

This year, many stores are raping Christmas by putting up the Seasonal displays this month--with JoAnn Fabrics actually having started in July.

So it's ALREADY time for our annual reminder?--

If you encounter a retail establishment with Christmas displays up before Thanksgiving, ask to see the highest ranking management person on duty--and kick 'em square in the nuts (or where the nuts would otherwise be located).

There is, however, some positive news in all this.

According to the story, Nordstrom does not plan on ever changing its long-standing policy of waiting until after Thanksgiving.

Wow. We just might have to shop there this Season, buying a...whatever they sell for...someone or other...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 9/16/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Last Chance for Somebody to Take On This Section...

...Because this is getting ridiculous. Or has been ridiculous for quite some time... Ass-Monkey Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2011:

Burl flirted, though chance seemed far-flung--

new boss was so hot, bubbly, young...

Though self-doubt self-heckled,

soon touched her fair freckles--

connecting the dots with his tongue!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2011:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Google Street View Finds Naked Woman on Porch"

Reports indicate she was standing on the porch holding a jug of water, meaning there were actually three... Nope. Too easy.

Puttin' the "Ogle" in "Google"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2011:

So Google Maps turned-up a view full

of skin--chick on her porch, clothes frugal!

In fact, was buck naked!

No spot on earth sacred!

This sure puts the "ogle" in "Google"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2011:

Regarding the alleged Jackson Family plot to fly Michael to Bahrain were he to have been convicted of child molestation... Hmm.

They really handled Jacko with kid gloves.

Which is, of course, appropriate, considering that Michael added special meaning to the term "kid gloves"... Allegedly, of course...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/18/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Real White Water

I've never owned a boat, or any form of watercraft. Nor did my immediate family, growing up. But I've earned some sea legs, probably more than the average cat.

Mostly lake and river legs, I suppose, although I have been on the ocean in somebody else's boat, too. Otherwise I spent many hours canoeing, piddling around with inflatable rafts, being pulled in an inner tube by a boat, attempting to water ski (last time, I couldn't remain standing enough to get an actual ride--it's tougher than it looks, and I'm perhaps klutzier than I look).

I did engage in some real whitewater rafting, though--on the Colorado River in the spring, after the snow has melted from the mountains to cause a raging course.

It was a trip my dad arranged, with a whole group and river guides. I found out why the guides were needed early on--while ogling a bubbly part of the river that looked "fun" to me, the guide explained how a vicious undertow there would pull one under and probably drown him/her to death.

Apparently, many knuckleheads die on the river when they macho it up and shun the guide.

I'm not sure why I've led Sunday Story Time on this vacation tear lately (and there are more such entries to come, soon)--perhaps it's the general calendar. September, back to school, time for "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" tales... Anyway.

I was in junior high, I believe. Perhaps it was the summer before junior high. Maybe early high school...but around that age. I could do some personal research and figure it out, I guess, but...why? It was around the age when doing stuff with the parents is completely uncool, but I was never nuts with that kinda thing, which is why, despite doing much more terrible "bad" things, I always got along with my Ps better than my sister did.

There's still a framed photo in my parents' home of my dad and I, plus the rest of our boat's crew, paddling away amid the breakers. Part of the tourist marketing angle--they had a photographer by a key bridge and sold them to any takers.

It's funny, but I don't remember too much about the actual rafting. Guess it really is the journey, not the destination... I remember it being, well, kick-ass. Wild waters, blowing away any roller coaster ride. Sure, the plane ride, hotel stay, etc. took more time than the rafting itself, but it wasn't a Six Flags ride--we were out on the river for hours.

I remember meeting the rest of our team in our hotel's restaurant-bar. The topic of discussion was travel and everyone was joking about how airlines always lose folks' baggage. Then a later arrival from the team introduced himself as "a baggage handler who loses all your baggage." I still remember that guy's face, for whatever reason, although I don't recall any of the others'. Middle-aged dude, brown-reddish hair, glasses, long nose. Looked a bit like one of the characters on the old TV show, "Barney Miller."

The Colorado River, composed, at that time, largely of just-melted snow, was colder than shit. In fact, we rode our rafts by straddling, one leg in the boat, one in the water, and my heel remained partially numb for weeks after the trip.

But the most memorable and exciting part of the trip? As a boy of junior high-ish age, I was hoping all along that somebody, anybody would tumble full-on into the Colorado. Except me, of course. You know, just get wet and cold and all--not get away from the boat and be injured or worse.

Aw, hell. Even now, into my 40s, I'd pray for such a splash the entire time.

And it eventually happened.

It was a woman. The mother of another boy about my age. We hit a rough spot, she bounced into the air, which happened to us all frequently. But when she came down from the bounce, the raft had moved.

She wasn't in the water very long. No harm, no foul, all that noise.

But she did make my trip...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/18/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Inevitability

 

We stand all in a group,

leaning against the rope railing

of the bridge spanning the void.

 

We fondly misrecall the past:

names, dates, places, situations,

and use them as unwavering proof

 

of how pretty everything was,

the colors and buildings here and there,

how simple it all was before the void.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2011:

If Jacko was convicted of

child molestation, plan would shove

him off to Bahrain!

Fam. handled him plain-

ly as he trademarked--with "kid gloves"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2011:

Headline--

"Cops: Men Took Dead Pal to Strip Club"

Made for more than one type of stiff...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2011:

Though "good" uses are now explored--

celebs, "Go to school, kids" implore...

They're canned words! What gall!

Be sure, robo-calls

are evil right down to the core!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2011:

Ain't it ironic that the Big Plan of Borders in the 1990s was to offer huge warehouses discounts in an attempt to put all the mom-'n'-pops out of business before raising their own prices and... Well...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2011:

They say, when the irony torques,

you can cut it with knife (and fork?).

So here at DL

it's so deep, thick... Well,

you 'least need to cut with a spork!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2011:

Since it seems like we're possibly losing our Food section dude...or at least seeing some irregularity there...and it's kinda silly for us to be killing ourselves over the extra sections anyway (although Sundays are still working out fine)... Something food related today--

Keep seeing old TV references to Swiss steak.

It's giving me a taste for it.

Although I don't know exactly what it is.

Well. That's a start.

Been off the Food beat for a while...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/21/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Another 'Special' Section?...

...Biting the dust?...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2011:

Add Wendy's to mass fast food fluster--

ill-thought condiment use kills luster!

D. Double, like Whopper,

lames-up sammich toppers--

a burger's just meat without mustard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2011:

There's been talk for some time of the concept of Cyber Terrorism. While the U.S. and Free World are more and more vulnerable to such an attack by the minute, so far we've mainly seen Internet attacks on corporate sites and such.

But after noting earlier today that every other post was bitching about new changes... Well, terrorists need not worry about the whole Internet.

Just screw with Facebook and the New American Way of Life crumbles...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2011:

Intel says that it's real good bet

we'll see Cyber Terror as threat.

But Facebook makes change;

masses rant, deranged...

They'd just need hit THAT, not whole 'Net!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2011:

A story in the Chicago Sun-Times, on gas prices dropping, at least for the fall, relates... Well, first the unchanging truths. Namely, that gas prices drop in the fall as a switch is made from pricier summer blends. Also, people lay-off the travel, after the summer, affecting the supply-and-demand formula...before prices go back up again, slightly for the winter, more severely when spring/summer hits.

Then, a noted industry "expert" is called in, in this case Oil Price Information Service Chief Oil Analyst Tom Kloza, to tell us that prices will soon drop and that they "will likely rise this winter and in the spring of 2012."

We're again putting the word out, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that all of us here at Daily Limerick are seeking side gigs, and the "expert" thing is still looking pretty sweet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2011:

Sounds cliche, but true--'Becca's bum

was tight as a finely tuned drum!

Ya' got chance to play it?

Could not help but spray it--

a rim shot (once rim job was done)!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2011:

In order to further call attention to its causes in our low attention span, lowest common denominator age, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is launching a porn site.

So... Hmm. Well... Ahem.

Now and then, we here at DL encounter a media topic that is just too easy for our witticism (or "witticism").

We've run up against a similar phenom here. Similar, but a little different.

See, there's just so much material here that we're overwhelmed. It's not necessarily EASY, per se, but... Well, our brains are so active, they're idled.

Candy break, everyone!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2011:

A couple clods thought it'd be nif-

ty to bring their just-dead friend with

them to a strip club.

Real news tale, those bubs

thought, "Why not have TWO kinds of stiffs?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2011:

Here's a little tip for all you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there in metro areas large enough where public transportation is an issue--

When a government entity announces something like, say, "$25 Million for New Train Stations"... For clarification purposes, add THIS to the headline--

"...And Not Diddle for the More Important Issue of MORE FREQUENCY AND QUANTITY OF TRAINS/BUSES"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/25/2011:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Tagging Along with the Boy Scouts

Continuing along with the "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" theme September lends itself to... In the summer before I entered high school, I ended up taking a weeklong canoe trip in Wisconsin, with the Boy Scouts.

Funny thing is, I wasn't a Boy Scout.

I was a Cub Scout earlier in life, followed by a stint as a Webelo (the precursor to Boy Scouts). I guess full-on Boy Scouts seemed nerdy to me, and I had more than my share of nerdiness working already.

But a friend of mine was a Boy Scout and I guess they were allowed non-Scout guests, perhaps as a means of recruitment, although I don't recall any attempts at that.

We were bused up (and back?) to the Kickapoo River, which was a more rapid waterway than the river near my home (the Nippersink) that I'd canoed a handful of times, but less than a whitewater experience (although we'd joked about "whitewater ahead" at numerous points).

Now, since I found the idea of Boy Scouts nerdy in grade school, it might seem odd that I took a summer trip with the Scouts just before high school...right? But it did seem like fun, I didn't actually have to become a Boy Scout and... Ahem. I played Dungeons & Dragons, so I wasn't TOO concerned with nerdiness.

Despite growing up in the country, I was never the super outdoorsy type. But I've always considered myself semi-outdoorsy. I'm up for, say, fishing when someone proposes it, but I don't go out of my way to fish, for instance. So this was a way to enjoy camping overnight, campfires and canoeing without actually overdoing it as a Boy Scout.

And, really, I had no driver's license or anything, so what else was I to do with my summer?

I remember a canoe full of parents screaming at the bunch in our canoe for barreling around a corner and almost crashing into them, stuck as they were on a fallen tree branch. And I met a dude who would become my best friend in my late teens and early 20s, only to sorta flake-out and blow-off any reunion appointments made a decade-plus later.

I recall few specifics of the trip. Vague memories of the things you'd expect--ghost stories, beans... Talk of girls, tunes and such with the Scouts close to my and indulging some pre-high school silliness with the Scouts a few years younger.

While I met a lot of people on that trip, other than my new friend, I don't recall most in any detail. Except one of the fathers. An anal sort with an extra-straight haircut and businessy glasses. Jerky disciplinarian type.

And this younger dude, Joe, who was the spitting image of Alfred Hitchcock. Even had a funny voice similar to Hitchcock. I'll never forget his goofy giggle, which was at odds with the rest of the Hitchcockian air.

I suppose it's a good sign to remember very little of your summer vacations. Then again, that was before intoxicants entered the picture, so make of it what you will...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/25/2011:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Happy Wedding Weekend to Mike!...

 

...He'll be back... Whenever the honeymoon's over and he's unpacked the gifts and...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2011:

The scheme Borders rode to the top?

Discount, volume--kill mom 'n' pops!

Then raise prices... Weird--

my indy's still here...

Sometimes, Irony DOES have cops!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2011:

Like most of the world, we at Daily Limerick are regular Facebook users.

But good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, unlike the unwashed masses, we hate Facebook to death.

We only use these anti-social networking sites because... Well, in this day and age, you almost HAVE to.

And we, again like seemingly everyone else, have noticed that Facebook is now unwieldy, taking forever to load... A real mess.

Who the hell does Facebook think it is--Twitter?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2011:

Though won't use so much free time's frittered

'way--and it's so hip, gives me jitters...

Facebook, quick check friends doings;

was nice, 'til went screwing...

Who do they think they are... Twitter?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2011:

U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham is calling for possible military intervention against Pakistan.

Yes, he's a Republican. A member of the party most up-in-arms over the budget deficit.

But what's a few more billion toward a THIRD war with sketchy motives and results? We can just cut some more union pensions and save...thousands...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2011:

Crave jollies? Well, here's a fun task

(in puzzlement, watch store clerk bask!)--

buy paddle ball--Spongebob one--

enema, water gun...

Just watch clerk's face! (And...don't ask...)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2011:

Wendy's has a new burger, Dave's Hot 'N Juicy, which is thicker and larger and delicious and delightful and all but... It comes with no mustard.

Like the Whopper. The McDonald's Big 'N Tasty. Etc.

Folks, a burger NEEDS mustard. It is the ultimate burger topping. Why do you make us real eaters special order all this stuff?

We're fast food lovers here at DL, but these topping choices just ain't cutting...the condiments...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION...WITH MONTE! 9/28/2011:

TODAY'S EDITION: Last Call?...

...Monte?

Let's put this section out of its misery and continue with Wednesday food-related content for S&Y (as above)...

[For more info. and what not... http://monteism.blogspot.com/]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2011:

ESPN's Web site does vie,

kill fantasy leagues it does spy

that sport racist names.

Odd--when I watch games

no fantasy dorks need apply!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2011:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we at Daily Limerick are...well, let's just say highly critical of online dating and other modern courtship schemes.

But we've felt engaged in a losing battle. Meeting people online, for instance, only becomes more socially acceptable (to those outside the DL, um, Towers, anyway) by the minute.

Now we've stumbled upon a sign that maybe things are turning in our direction.

Anybody with even the most paltry modicum of knowledge regarding "singles" events knows that the trick is usually getting chicks involved.

Hell, Chief Limericist checking-in here. I attended ONE singles event in my life and there was only one woman among more than a dozen men. Maybe there was another one, or even two more chicks but... Well, only one that was remotely presentable to the outside world, in any event.

Spied a Craig's List ad for a "speed dating" event for some TV show. Since it was under "gigs," figured in might be paid and... Nope.

But it was seeking only MEN.

Slimy, always on the take guys are apparently not even biting at the lame-ity of it all.

We shall overcome!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2011:

Nail unions--Tea-Baggin' fight plan

'gainst Great Foe Debt! Rep. Lindsey Graham,

though most debt's from wars,

says, "Let's bill one more!"

for billions... Invade Pakistan?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2011:

So the state of Florida went ahead and drug-tested welfare recipients, finding that they...are actually LESS likely than the general populace to use drugs.

We're guessing that might have something to do with the fact that, oh... If you're on welfare, you can't AFFORD drugs?

By the way, drug testing costs money, speaking of things certain people and entities can't afford...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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