Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2012:

Today's date to mark April Fool's--

'mid tax time and Spring Break from schools!

This strange mix of staples

brings, with Fools of April...

tax cruels and tool/pool-induced drools!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2012:

Man, have we got some scintillating, hard-hitting, thought-provoking content for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers today!

So... April Fool's!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/1/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Disney Slapped

He hee.

Gotta admit, today's edition bears an interesting title. Thought-provoking, I'll venture. "What exactly does THAT mean? Getting sued as a child for beheading a Goofy doll?"

Actually, I was in grade school, visiting the cousins in Southern California and upon the obligatory trip to Disney Land. We were riding the "It's a Small World (After All)" ride (my memory jogged by the songwriter's recent death) and... Well, I didn't want to be on that particular ride.

I wanted to be on the Haunted House ride.

So, riding along with my mother and aunt, perhaps some others, I complained.

Whined.

Bitched.

Was probably a big brat about it.

My mom and aunt pointed out the cute puppets and other attractions of the ride and... I'll admit I should've just rolled with it. You can't just abandon a ride half-way, anyhow, and I'm pretty sure I got my Haunted House fix that day, in any event.

But I just kept bitchin' and moanin' about how stupid the Small World Ride was.

So my mom finally got so fed-up that... Well, I was Disney Slapped.

Hey. Can't expect an obituary to bring ONLY warm and fuzzy memories...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2012:

HR wannabe Power Misers

ask Facebook passwords from job sizers!

Facebook states, firmly,

guards folks' privacy--

'less it brings cash from advertisers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2012:

Without going into detail, as this is a topic one can write copious books about... The Internet presents some problems as far as copyright.

Despite the many gripes we air herein, we wholeheartedly believe that the Internet is a "good thing." Hell, even a GREAT thing.

Those who sing the praises of Internet information (including those bold enough to declare the whole idea of copyright to be passe) cite the ideal of Free Content.

Poor inner-city kids, rural would-be writers... No need for a decent library nearby, no need to spend limited income on books--all is available to all.

However, as writers--and even if we weren't writers--the fact remains that there is good reason for copyright's existence.

Copyright provides a means of writers making money from their craft.

Yes, it's easy to paint anybody jockeying for money as evil. Greedy. But keep in mind that the average book author, even pre-Internet, didn't make enough money from book sales to completely lose any "day jobs." So we're not talking get-rich schemes here.

Also, although history brings many examples of authors who never saw a dime from works, or never expected to anyway, nonetheless penning great works of art because they were compelled... The fact remains that the vast majority of great works were written by authors who were able to make enough money to dedicate their full-time efforts to writing.

Plumbers don't toil away at something else 9-5 and "scratch their plumbing itch" for free, after hours. Neither do doctors, or teachers (although volunteering is some part of the equation, to be fair)... Ahem.

But now, many are anxious for a world where writers ONLY write to "scratch that artsy itch."

Of course, reinterpreting copyright along with a (mostly) free flow of information is difficult, to make an understatement. Almost impossible to completely prevent downloads/theft... Well, again, we're trying to keep this simple. You should know there's a zillions mini-issues here.

Sure, there's a lot of free content out there from writers just "scratching the itch." Have you read a lot of it?

Is Free Content so important that... Well, to apply a saying that's apt for individuals to society at all, we'll remind you that, "You get what you pay for"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2012:

'Net-copyright? Hard to make fly!

"Free Content"--the rallying cry!

Though info, po's given,

if scribes can't make livin'--

soon "Free Content" no one would buy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2012:

"On the third day of April Fool's my true love gave to me..." Ahem.

Creative way of sayin', "We've got nuthin' today," no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2012:

Your politics need not steer Right

to feel income tax paying plight,

thanks to IRS,

is...well, a big mess--

try searching for forms on their site!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2012:

We're not huge fans of traditional jellybeans here at Daily Limerick.

But amid the Easter Season, we're noting that Capitalist Candy is making great strides in that department.

We've been fooled before. Stuff like Starburst jelly beans...pretty much just the old standby taste.

But we picked up some SweeTarts  jellybeans this year and... Before accidentally endorsing any other fusion beans, let's just say that there's a Brave New World of jellybeans out there--and we advise you to jump in!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2012:

Term "personnel" seemed fine and Zen--

'least from the word "person" it stemmed.

P.C. says words change courses

but... "Human Resources"?

Sounds "Twilight Zone" aliens!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2012:

So there are these TV ads running, urging people to vacation in California.

No. We didn't mean to type "Nebraska." "California." You know, as if television itself isn't one big ad for how cool the state is.

But that's not our point here.

What is our point is that... Are we mistaken, or is there a Kardashian in that ad?

Maybe it IS just a creative ad for Nebraska...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2012:

HR--Facebook passwords! Still tough

job market. 'S'there really enough

work to justify their jobs?

Power flexed, o'er poor slobs--

Absolute kind that corrupts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2012:

Regarding the age-old philosophical riddle--

"If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody's around to hear it..." Anyway. It's now irrelevant.

What with Google maps, not to mention government "security" cameras every freakin' where...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2012:

A pubescent boy, Timmy Lunt,

"ho-hummed" through big Easter Egg Hunt.

Found dolled-up dames rocking--

leered at girls in stockings

while dreaming of Easter leg stunts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2012:

Is it true, what we've heard about Casper, Wyoming?

That's it's now a ghost town?...

Happy (ugh) Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2012:

Day Jesus rose from stony casket

that thought... Let's just hope you can mask it!

Cute bonnets, fine clothes--

girl strikes just right pose...

"I'd stuff that Easter Bunny's basket!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2012:

From all of us, to all of you, a very Happy Easter!...

(With the possible exception of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emaunuel and Crook County [Ill.] Board President/Tax Addict/Bugface Toni Preckwinkle)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/8/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time is...

Scarfing down Easter basket treats.

No edition today; see ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2012:

We wish you a fine Dyngus Day!

(Non-Polacks--post Easter Monday.)

A ploy--fest-extending

Lent's sacrifice ending!

Beer, sausage, eggs and..."Dyngus" play!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day!...

(For the uninitiated, non-Polish Catholic...basically an excuse to extend the post-Lenten sacrifice Holiday by consuming leftover eggs and Polish sausage with beer)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2012:

Would-be tourists, strapped, not full dashing-in,

so Cali campaign seeks tweak cashing-in.

No Ad Man, must say,

but ad scares away--

spotlighting state's blight of...Kardashians!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2012:

So... Google glasses.

You can walk around with Internet access right through your glasses.

Having grown up reading sci-fi, we'd eagerly anticipated inventions like this. However, we thought they'd be used for... Oh, something more important than jaywalking and bumping into others while "OMGing" over Carly's new shoes and/or playing Farmville...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2012:

The riddle's an ancient Zen beaut--

crash from forest tree's fall/uproot;

no ear to hear sound...

With cams all around

the riddle's forever now moot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2012:

You need only barely qualify as a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper (aka regular reader) to know that we at DL don't exactly embrace the idea of a human man and woman giving birth to the Antichrist.

But now, not only do we believe, but urge steps be taken to prevent such an abomination now that the pairing exists of...Kanye West and Kim Kardashian...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2012:

Unveiled Google Glasses fulfill

old sci-fi dream...with bitter pill.

'Net eyes, I envisioned

for crucial decisions

like... Not "OMGs" and Farmville!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2012:

Although this is another case where the wording seems suspect... Well, we'll give 'em the benefit of the doubt, as this appears to be a major to-do, with oodles of folks involved...and we sure don't want to be party poopers... So--

Since April is "Distracted Driving Month," we're hitting the road, 70 mph, texting, drinking, eating a messy sandwich and enjoying a good hummer all at once!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2012:

Though seems title lacks as if flubbed,

since "Distracted Driving Month's" dub...

Drive texting; take doze!

Lipstick? Hell, paint toes--

don't party-poop PSA's club!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2012:

Happy Extra Frighteningly Cheezy Friday the Thirteenth!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2012:

Chick comic, less leather than lace,

felt awkward at all-girl showcase.

Got drunk; scored no dick--

but act of slapstick

did land her a "pie" in the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2012:

Apparently getting low on old shows and movies to recycle, Hollywood has a bunch of upcoming flicks based on...old board games.

For instance, there's... Oh, you'll hear about 'em.

We'd just like to see one based on...checkers...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2012:

In God, believe. Creed? I think thrice!

Creation, hell, rit'ual--no dice!

But... Kanye-Kardashian?

Re-think rehash begins...

I'm sold--they'd spawn Anti-Christ!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2012:

So are we the only ones sick of hearing that the alleged cure for all things related to heart disease and obesity is freakin' "whole grain"?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/15/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Hunter

The Hunter was, or perhaps still is for all I know, a nutcake. I met him through running a poetry open mic at a now defunct coffeehouse and personal hangout.

I don't mean "nutcake" as a bad thing. Well, I suppose it's never a good thing, but I don't mean it in a derogatory way.

Then again, perhaps it's naturally derogatory but... More on that later.

A man entered the coffeehouse...not sure why. Perhaps to socialize, waste time... I don't believe he bought anything. But when he learned of an open mic that night, he was eager to sign on.

As simply, "The Hunter."

While I've somehow attracted nutcakes for virtually my entire life, and thus don't necessarily fear them--in fact many a friend has shuddered at my willingness to treat them like anybody else--I'll admit I was a bit sacred of his moniker. The Hunter...of what?

My Nutcake Sense identified him as such from the get-go. His disheveled look wasn't an attempt at hipness, his eyes and manner of conducting himself... Unarguably of the Nutcake species.

He explained his nickname, most likely a self-given one, during his... Well, I guess there's no firm definition as to what does and doesn't qualify as poetry, but The Hunter just grabbed copies of magazines from a community reading table, pointed to pictures and...blathered. For instance, he found a bald eagle pic in a National Geographic mag and talked of, "The great bird that soars through the air..." Etc. Etc.

"I call myself The Hunter because I hunt--for food, for work, for friends... We're all really hunters."

Before The Hunter left that night, perhaps because I was nice to him in a way few non-nutcakes were, perhaps because he thought it proper etiquette toward a poetry host, he left me a tip. Of sorts. A buck and some change and...some kind of trinket or knickknack. Unfortunately, my memory fails me on that trinket--I recall it being amusing in some manner. Maybe there was a candy bar, too.

Weeks, perhaps months later, an acquaintance told me he/she'd spotted The Hunter out and about in the real, aka non-poetry show, world. His profession was apparently a window washer.

While the open mic featured an array of regulars, nutcake and non-, The Hunter never returned. I spied him out and about, many years later, or I think it was he--he did have window-washer gear.

I can only speculate as to The Hunter's situation. Was he homeless? Halfway house or hospital resident? Live with relatives? Was he perhaps more functional than he appeared to the unknowing, perhaps making a good window-washer living and maintaining his own apartment? Perhaps even married or something and just...weird?

I assume he was somewhere between apartment-maintaining and homeless.

Regarding his nutcake status, was he a born nutcake, with a chemical imbalance or something, or did life steer him toward nutcakeism?

The question's weighed on my mind a lot lately. Like most, I don't consider myself a nutcake. But as an artist type, who often, jokingly or not, thinks of myself as slightly "off," and one who's went through a lot of trials and tribulations--personally, career-wise, financially--the last few years... Well I've come to believe that most people have a nutcake within.

The right balance of life's knocks, lack of support from family, booze and drug use and other factors... We're all only steps away from being nutcakes ourselves. We differ in just how many steps removed we each are.

While I've indulged this theory for all of my adult life, there's more clarity to it these days.

I can't say I haven't laughed at the likes of The Hunter. You need to laugh at such things or you'll go completely crazy.

But I do have an empathy for nutcakes, deep down. I often in fact go out of my way to talk to them, at least unless they turn hostile and/or incoherent.

As batshit as The Hunter's "performance" may have been, he was dead-right at the core.

We ARE all Hunters...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2012:

Idea-poor Hollywood dreckers

remake classics--child mem'ry wreckers!--

now turn to...boardgames?

It's new front for Lame--

at least make it challenge! Try...checkers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2012:

Continuing our War on Cliches--

Journalists, we can safely assume that anybody dubbed a "hero" will "shrug off" such a suggestion.

Only tell us when one dubbed as such says something like, "Hell yeah--I'm a hero! I'm kick-ass! Worship me! Bring on the babes!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2012:

Diabetes, heart disease reign

with obesity--mankind's bane!

I'm sick of ad shills--

modern snake oil pills--

as if Magic Cure-All's "whole grain"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2012:

Happy... Er... Tolerable?... Er... Whatever's the Best You Can Pull Extra Cheezy Tax Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2012:

Wyoming pop., been trending down

for years--brings proud natives a frown!

Its cities shrink faster--

why I've heard that Casper

is pretty much just a...ghost town!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2012:

In viewing hubbub surrounding that CNN commentator's cracks about Mitt Romney's wife, a stay-at-home mom, "never working a day in her life"... Well.

Is this what American politics has evolved into? The Lincoln-Douglas debates now giving way to a system whereby we just wait to pounce on candidates saying something stupid?

Funny, but our public and water-cooler discourse on the lives of celebrities is actually, frighteningly, focused on more tangible issues... Barely, but still...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2012:

Election "discourse"? Crouch and wait

for partisan dumb-ass quote bait...

Pounce! Talk it to death!

Sadly, there's more breadth

to pop culture gossip "debate"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2012:

So... The Buffet Tax.

Makes sense to us. We Americans pay some of the lowest taxes in the Free World as it is.

However, as Dems bash the GOP for opposing the Buffet Tax, accusing them of placing extra burdens on the poor... Who's constantly raising taxes on "vices" like alcohol and tobacco?

Hmm?

What demographics are more likely to use such products?

Hmmm?

Why, in all this discussion, are government lotteries unmentioned?

What demographic is most likely to buy those hopeless, win-less-likely-than-a-lightning-strike scratch-offs?

Hmmm...mmmm!

In Illinois, we have a Democratic governor, Pat Quinn.

He raised the state income tax in recent years as a way of paying for nepotism and congressional hookers...er, we mean as a way of paying for important state services.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Last year, my income... Let's just say that it's impressive--for a high-schooler trying to save a bit by working summer vacations.

This year, I had to send the state a check. Wasn't much, but I'm frightened as all hell because, last year, the state kicked me in the nuts with a $300+ extra tax bill, months down the line. All while I'm struggling to even... Anyway.

So... Democrats--Protectors of the Poor!

Bend over, "progressives." Pre-lube yourselves, while you're at it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2012:

Directions to open...Kit Kat?

"Lift flap, tear end"--need what's old hat?

With folks de-evolving

guess wrapper's tough solving--

perhaps 'cause there's no app for that?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2012:

Professional football players Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson are planning a class-action lawsuit alleging discrimination by TV franchises "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" for not featuring black title...characters, or personalities, or whatever you call the lead knuckleheads for these shows, which are, believe it or not, still on the air.

Now, despite having a black president, and despite all the Civil Rights progress we've made... Yes. There's still discrimination.

But some things... Some "discrimination" and "stereotyping" is actually a good thing. Even a source of pride.

What's next? A push for more black serial killers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2012:

A soda shoppe jerk, name of Fritz,

was stationed for banana splits.

Worked through lunch, but sampled

all day, which was ample--

though left him with Banana Shits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2012:

Who needs women when your team is in the Stanley Cup Playoffs?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2012:

New suit 'gainst the "Bach'lor" crap mill fer

no blacks cast in leading role still. Er...

I'd let this one slide.

In fact, just take pride--

like lack of black serial killers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2012:

Today's supposed to be some sort of "holiday."

All about the environment and such.

Bastards.

There's already a similarly themed holiday--and it falls later this freakin' week!

Filthy hippies trying to usurp it. And actually doing a fairly decent job of it.

Friday's holiday has been around far longer. It's so legit, there's even a Peanuts TV special about it.

So ignore the Earth Day crap and bring it on home Friday, April 27th for the One, the Only, The Greatest Environmentalist Holiday... Arbor Day!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/22/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Kendall

I remembered Kendall when, listening to my cable provider's "Classic Country" station, music by "The Kendalls" hit rotation. Actually, the jog down Memory Lane came when I SAW The Kendalls on the screen as, although I recognize many of their tunes, I'm not familiar enough with the act to identify their songs as theirs.

I always thought of Kendall when I saw albums of the band's in music stores and such, back in the day... "Back in the day" meaning late '70s, when I was in grade school.

And so, here I was, again, envisioning Kendall's pretty face upon seeing "The Kendalls" on my TV screen and... Well, whenever I think of Kendall, I feel bad.

Kendall was very pretty. Black hair, fair skin of the sort bad poets dub, "alabaster." Very skinny, too--some other guys joked on her lack of boobs, or boob bumps, as we're talking grade school. Yet it was a time when man-like tastes, patterns and habits were forming in me, peccadilloes still present today and, likely, throughout my life.

Okay, I'll translate--I was discovering that I wasn't a "boob man." I mean, I'm certainly a guy and I like mammaries, it's just... Anyhoo, speaking of man things then forming, it wasn't all just personal peccadilloes. And it wasn't all good, or neutral in the name of personality. But... On with the story.

Kendall was shy. I was, too, but she was even worse. I very much liked Kendall. Despite the boob-bump comments, the general agreement was that she was as fox and... I don't remember how I learned this--I wasn't good at talking to girls, perhaps I asked one of her friends--but I learned that she liked me, too.

This was around the time in life, too, where kids start talking about sex. I'm not sure whether we'd had sex ed yet but... For us, anyway, sex ed was just explaining that the man's sperm fertilizes the woman's egg cell, with little about how the sperm actually gets to that egg cell, not to mention the spectacular song-and-dance surrounding that process, whether or not an actual egg cell strike is the real goal.

Of course, none of us involved in this sex talk knew what the hell we were talking about, although individual levels of knowledge varied. Boys with older brothers, naturally, knew a bit more--although the truth and usefulness of that knowledge was suspect.

So I passed Kendall a letter in class with the following questions--

"Do you like me?

"Do you like sex?

"Do you like waterbeds?

"Would you like to have sex with me on a waterbed?"

Yeeesh.

I suppose I thought, at the time, that this was a competent means of landing a girl. Although, had she taken me up on the "offer"--of course, she didn't--I'm not sure I'd even know how to go through with it. There wasn't even a waterbed in my house, in addition to the cornucopia of other problems with the scheme.

Nothing else ever happened between Kendall and I. Not an kiddie smooch, not a conversation or skip through a meadow or...nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real surprising.

I'm cringing even now thinking about my methods of, um, "courtship" regarding Kendall.

Kendall showed the note to friends and its contents became the gossip of whatever grade we were in at the time. Somehow a teacher got a hold of it, the principal became involved, my parents gave me a good talking-to... Have I said "yeeesh" yet?

Getting back to youthful experiences setting the tone for adult life... Well, I still do this kinda shit.

Not in the same way, for Elvis' sake. I'm never that bold or overtly sexual. But I'll dodge my shyness by flirting through e-mail or (shudder) social media and... Sometimes it has worked. When used in conjunction with real, non-loser interaction.

But mostly, it doesn't.

I can say that I'm a writer and I thus communicate best that way. While true, well... Guess I'll never completely learn. Guess I'll never completely mature beyond grade school.

In my defense, I usually engage these stunts, realize I'm being a moron and knock it off early. Or at least keep it simple. For the most part, my antics are ignored. It's probably actually so timid to the women involved that they don't notice I'm actually "hitting." They may wonder, but probably think I'm just a weirdo.

Still, every now and then, after hitting "send" or whatever, I'll think, "Why, oh why, did I do that?"

And it all comes back to me. Without even having to hear a tune from "The Kendalls"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2012:

When lonely, mood swings come abrupt--

oft hard just to keep your chin up!

Right thoughts stop light's dimmin--

like now? Who need's women--

when your team's in the Stanley Cup!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2012:

Okay, we've figured it out.

The flick came out right around the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster, so it must be some sort of commemoration... Only the folks behind the new "Three Stooges" movie should've seen that iceberg in the distance the second the idea came to them...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2012:

New "Stooges" flick? Got it! At last, sure--

marks cent'ry, Titanic disaster?

Yet unlike with ship

iceberg's radar blip

showed long 'fore those dopes even cast her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2012:

For a change, we'll just throw out the gag and YOU, the Slapper Yapper Grashoppers, can guess the news story it derives from--

Adds new meaning to the term "Secret Service," don't it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2012:

Got fruit-flavored candies to savor?

Here's game to play--big kicks! Real raver!

Taste's...not quite real fruit's.

Close eyes--what a hoot!

Pop one-by-one and... Guess the Flavor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2012:

Okay. We know that kids have allergies, too. Also that drugs are mostly a good thing for the human race overall and... Ahem.

Still, that commercial for children' Claritan? With all the kids singing along to the corporatized golden moldie--the "I Can See Clearly Now" song?

It just frightens the pants off of us.

All aboard the Big Pharma Train early, kids! NOW we've got ya!

Head for the hills!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2012:

Dems claim fighting the Buffet Tax

means GOP'd fund gov. on backs

of poor. But Dems? Whacko

for taxing tobacco...

Just WHO most they think THAT tax whacks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2012:

For the unknowing, a term referred to here is actually the goofy last name of a pro basketball player. Oh, and the punishment alluded to comes from elbowing another player in the head.

So... Headline--

"World Peace Suspended for 7 Games"

We're just gonna leave it at that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2012:

Let's celebrate Nature! Hooray!

Last Sunday's Earth Day is okay...

I mark longer-lived instead!

Special lends "Peanuts" cred!

Orig'nal's today--Arbor Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2012:

Since it's Arbor Day, we'd thought we'd focus today on the creatures of nature.

Well, at least nature in an urban environment.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall our warnings about a certain species of urban vermin, the Shuffler.

These creatures become an annoyance, or even a risk, when they appear on crowded city sidewalks and crosswalks, with apparently nowhere to go, with apparently nothing to do, seemingly unaware that others in the booming metropolis just might have to be at a certain place by a certain time. They tend to take up as much space as they can on walkways, too, favoring walking straight up the middle rather than to the right or left, which would allow one to pass a Common Shuffler more easily.

There are many varieties of Shuffler. They sometimes travel in packs, presenting a nightmare for urban pedestrians. Perhaps the worst variety is the Annoyingly Lovey-Dovey Couple, holding hands while shuffling to ensure that nobody's getting anywhere on time. But enough on Common Shufflers.

Today we'd like to speak to you about a varmint that's even more dangerous--the Semi-Shuffler.

These beings walk a little faster than the Common Shuffler--which is the problem. Often, a Shuffler is but a minor annoyance--easy to pass. But the Semi-Shuffler tends to walk slow enough to annoy and delay others while traveling just fast enough to present a problem to pass.

So look out, urban Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, for the dreaded Semi-Shuffler.

Which is still not as bad as the loathsome Text-Walker--just as inconveniencing as Shufflers and Semi-Shufflers with the added weapon unpredictability--but we've accomplished our Public Service for now...

Happy Extra Cheezy Arbor Day! (The longest running environmental holiday and the ONLY one we need)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2012:

A long-legged babe, name of Heidi,

joined neighbor on his Slip-'N'-Slide-y!

Her angel limbs tangled--

so angling the dangle

that dude Slipped-'N'-Slid up inside-y!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2012:

Here's a Saturday riddle for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

What country singer writes copious amounts of lyrics, in short bursts--but they're all meaningless crap?

Give up?

Conway Twitter!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2012:

Here's riddle to help you all fritter

'way Sunday with giggle and titter--

What country star, lyrically,

writes brief and constantly

meaningless crap?... Conway Twitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2012:

So... Poet Laureate?

Try Poet Snore-eate!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/29/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Bonus for Bumblebee Bladder

I have a bladder the size of a bumblebee.

Or perhaps the size of a bumblebee's.

Not sure if the distinction matters as I'm talking metaphorical. I don't recall seeing it measured via an X-Ray or anything. Not entirely sure how large the average bladder is, actually, but assuming... Anyway.

I'm always peein'.

That's partly because I'm always workin' the liquids--water and/or coffee and/or tea and or soda pop and/or milk and/or juice... I've been doin' it all my life--it's not part of the "flush your system" healthy thing, or didn't start as one. Just the way I am. Possibly one contributing factor to my becoming a raging drunk, years back. Dry mouthed, body in need of excessive lubrication...whatever.

It's not a medical problem. Started when I was a little shaver. Grandpa told my mom, "You better get that kid checked out, he's always in the can!"

Doctor didn't find anything wrong.

Just Bumblebee Bladder.

Recently, at my local Jewel grocery store, I stumbled upon a seemingly hidden rack with all sorts of bargains. This was mid-April and the out-of-season Eater stuff was seriously marked down, along with other fare.

Solid chocolate rabbit, for instance? Eighty-nine cents.

How'd I find this treasure? It was right across from the back-of-store restrooms.

Now, I've always viewed my Bumblebee Bladder as a bad thing. And, sure, it mostly is. Ever halted a sex act because you couldn't fully enjoy it without emptying the old snake?

But it just goes to show you, yet again, that there's good and bad in everything, if you look for it.

So I've got a Bumblebee Bladder--and without it, I'd never have stumbled upon that bargain rack, which will now be a regular stop on my grocery forays.

Jealous?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2012:

Though human--can cut slack for perv twist--

since Pres. is at stake... Makes me nervous.

Ironic'ly, prostitutes's

sex in exchange for loot's

the orig'nal "Secret Service"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2012:

Apparently, a new diet is becoming all the rage, especially among brides-to-be... The Feeding Tube Diet.

Seriously.

We WISH we were referring to a "Daily Show" bit or something but... No.

We're getting tired of mentioning how hard it has become to make fun of popular culture, with it generating its own jokes at its own expenses quite sufficiently at this point.

But we still feel compelled to try... Is it too late to attempt balance in our lives? Perhaps the Feeding Tube Diet wouldn't exist if brides didn't, before and after the wedding, try... The Feeding Trough Diet?...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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