Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2012:

To see this whole Christmas Thing through

both Clauses have so much to do!

Sure, Santa's worn dizzy--

but Mrs.? So busy...

Ain't shaved--so soon wears white "beard," too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2012:

...Thus today begins our All Christmas Limericks Through December Thing... And, yes, that qualifies as "content"!...

Happy Extra Festively Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2012:

With mind on my neighbor--a MILF--

toured Santa's Workshop! One there pilf-

ered my heart in minute!

I'll cop--and won't spin it--

an elf chick, so guess she's an... EILF?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2012:

Now I, Chief Limericist (checking in, here), don't drive much, being a Chicago bus/train denizen and all.

But lately, I've been spending more time by my suburban/exurban family and... Well, I have a question--

How, exactly, is a "tailgate party" any different from a typical highway outing among the average maniac drivers?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/2/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: If You Slapper Yapper Grasshopper Bastards Only Knew...

...What's going on in my life lately, you'd BEG me not to file an edition this week... So you should be thanking me... Ass-weasels...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2012:

While Santa ensured halls were decked,

hot babe hit The Lap...kissed his neck!

Soon jolly ol' Kringle

felt Naughty List tingle--

why, even his BEARD went erect!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2012:

They say, "When it rains, it pours."

POURS?

Try, "When it rains, it monsoons/tsunamis/volcanically erupts..."...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2012:

The sex gossip on reindeer Blitzen?

Loves oral--cares little for "dicks-in"!

Blows? Eh... Cunnilingus!

The does dug this kink-twist...

Could say loved "meals" with all "the Vixens"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2012:

So apparently this whole military/sex fest only BEGINS with Gen. David Petraeus.

Kinda makes you rethink allowing heterosexuals in the armed forces, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2012:

At party for Trimming the Tree

young Kylan got down on both knees

to hang orn'ments low

and felt--ho, ho, ho!--

a Yule log poke, quite festively!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2012:

Today, Wednesday, is, of course, our "Food"-related content day.

But... Well, a lot of people DO act like Facebook is as essential as sustenance.

Anyway, Chief Limericist, here. With a lot of family-related stuff going on, I went into Vacation Mode for the last week or so and haven't checked-in to Facebook for over a week.

FINALLY returned to the site today and... Well, still wish it didn't exist...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2012:

Elf figured boyfriend'd paid his dues--

'mong Workshop'd, join the Lucky Few

to sample her sugar plums!

So hot, that when he'd cum--

knocked curl out of his elf shoes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2012:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

There's a well known saying that, "Behind every great man is an even greater woman."

But there's a flip side to that coin. For--

"Behind every fucked-up man is a whole string of ridiculously fucked-up women"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2012:

Ain't Claus' job--that Judgment crap!

Shares, brothels and such, Santa's Lap!

Though he's sanitary

one's wise to be wary--

Wish List don't include Santa's Clap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2012:

Seems we should have some comments on this whole Fiscal Cliff we're headed toward.

Hmmm.

Hope those political bungee cords are secure...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2012:

'Ol Santa kicked-back, sipped eggnog

to watch Rockettes--buzz hit egg fog

a'watching the showgirls kicks

mind and loin played their tricks--

soon Kringle sported leg-log!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2012:

They're always "laughing it off."

Those nutty celebrities, subject to rumors, in those gossip columns.

"Laughing it off."

Speaking of those gossip columns and our respect for them, as seasoned journalists... Well, we're "laughing 'em off," you could say...

Holy Jolly Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2012:

Claus, night before Christmas and... Whoah!

Moonlight, hot chick--object below

with much luster stirring

'round North Pole, mouth whirring...

Breast shot? Not just new-fallen snow's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2012:

Won't go into specifics, so let's just say it's fitting that "eulogy" is only two letters removed from, "eurology"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/9/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Tidings From the 'House of Usher'

Okay, not quite THAT bad, but my family's seen TWO deaths over the last few months PLUS... Well, if you haven't guessed already, the "tidings" are "no edition this week"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2012:

Yule rev'lers with a hard time makin' sense

of those festive herbs--myrrh and frankincense...

Here's clue--secret shame!

Nerd Wise Men crave dames...

Let's just say one's street name is, "spank-incense"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2012:

We understand that some feel a "War on Christmas" is annually unwinding.

If this has anything to do with Big Retail trotting out the Yule wares around Labor Day, pass us a bayonet!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2012:

Old couple sought spark to be born again,

set evening to make Christmas ornaments!

It worked so fantastic

that she plaster-cast it--

and the result, they called a "horn-ament"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2012:

We're taking off today, as we write content ahead of time and yesterday was a Holiday.

Decorating the tree, aka trimming the tree.

Yeah, usually we're right on that, the day after Thanksgiving, here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers, but... Life and stuff.

Although the tree WAS up on Dec. 1, but... Well, enough about us...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2012:

Here's fun fact about the Three Wise Men--

chicks seen with had boobs undersized! Yen

for more legs--by Dickens--

than bucket of chicken!

In fact, some dubbed them the Three Thighs Men!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2012:

Will Christmas Time brings all sorts of treat, Halloween has undoubtedly captured the Candy Holiday title.

Meaning Christmas...is all about COOKIES!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2012:

The old German ritual tickled--

poor Ally, the tourist felt...trickle?

Old World culture lesson!

Who was she to question

time-honored Kraut game, "Hide the Pickle"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2012:

I want a Scrooge-like awakening this Christmas Season.

Oh, Chiefy (Chief Limericist) checking-in, here.

Now, I'm no greedy bastard. Generally kind to my fellow man/woman, regarded as a "nice guy," all that jazz. So I can't compare myself too closely to Ebenezer.

But... Well, I am a bit too shy, bit of a loner... Well, enough about me.

But I want a Scrooge-like Christmas awakening, in some form, nonetheless...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2012:

The "Twelve Day of Christmas"? Obscene

consumerist gifts? What's it mean?

One dude, so much paid,

sure needs to get laid--

which better come on Day Thirteen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2012:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers of any merit have noticed my sympathizing with Charlie Brown.

Many might recall a term coined herein describing the receiving of Charlie Brown-esque treatment from others, especially from those of the feminine persuasion--"Chucked."

The exploration of the term continues, in a different direction, for I found myself "Chucked" in a positive way this week.

Putting up the Christmas Tree...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2012:

Confectioners intern--Yule bane!

Why? So hot, it drove him insane!

Grew tired of just jerkin'

o'er long nights, pair workin',

that one night, he gave Candy cane!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2012:

Through an ad for a cosmetic surgery center, we learn of a procedure known as the... Brazilian Butt Lift.

Must be thinking of something else. We thought the Brazilian Butt Lift was a sexual position...

Feliz (Navidad) Saturday con Mucho Queso!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2012:

Santa's Reindeer--everyone knows!

But Rudolph, best known for red nose?...

All "G"? Don't be duped!

There's R-Rated scoops--

like Rudolph's yen to don red hose!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2012:

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Oh my aching...life...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/16/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Holy Crap!...

...Just when you think that all that bad shit that can happen has already happened... Well, you find out you were wrong... Christmas-y edition next week... Promise...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2012:

Kids built Frosty 'cording to plan--a

carrot, nose; eyes, coal... Pal of Santa!

For magic friend dandy

used items found handy--

be glad they bypassed the banana!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2012:

So, another loser shoots up a public place and... Well, unfortunately... (Yawn.)

And Big Media dubs it a "senseless" crime while... Pontificating for hours on any possible "motive."

Hmmm.

So... Senseless...with motives...motives...yet senseless.

Well, anyway. It's not like we're headed for a Fiscal Cliff or anything...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2012:

At festive bash, Joe helped to deck halls!

As nog's levels grew, so'd unchecked gall's!

Pushed mistletoe's free pass

from kiss to... Well, piece-ass--

hot rev'ler girl left him with decked balls!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2012:

In the light of...well, the only news story that's being reported on, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) is proposing the creation of a National Commission on Violence.

So that, you know, we can "address" the issue with bipartisan bickering that goes nowhere...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2012:

Yule! Snow! Spirit left Courtney leveled!

Hit drift--and through snow angel reveled!

A caroler passed by

joined her with charm quite sly--

mounted her to make a "snow devil"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2012:

Got stale donuts?

Microwave 'em for 10 seconds or so...

Hey, it qualifies as Wednesday food-related content...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2012:

For uniform, Santa's a stickler

so, when he falls prey to a chick's lure

on rounds, Christmas Eve,

he decks festive beave

with tassel-balled, red-white French tickler!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2012:

Ever try calling in to a popular radio show?

Why it's like...like... (This looks like a time for our Chief Limericist to check in)... It's like trying to reach a chick I'm dating...or, more properly, "dating"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2012:

Heed Kurt's tale--'round Christmas, stay wary

while partying, festive and merry!

Guys check who's below

that charged mistletoe--

or find, like it, "Holly" has "berries"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2012:

So, you wanna buy yourself a gift or two for Christmas.

Nothing wrong with that. As long as you've taken care of gifts for all the Special Others in your life.

But how in the hell do you surprise yourself in opening this gift? Seems a silly concern, but, really, isn't half the fun of Christmas gifts the anticipation and curiosity of peeling open that wrapping paper?

Here's an idea--go on a bender. Buy yourself a gift or gifts on said bender, wrap 'em as best you can in your state of stinko, then when you open them... Bam! Surprise!

Really, who wants to live in a world where we can't advocate drinking irresponsibly for the Holiday Season?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2012:

In Christmas lore, well understood

King Wencelas--well known as "good"!

Rules not with iron fist,

'stead brings jolly twist--

for fist's iron grip stays on his wood!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2012:

So... You know, if you can't blow-off content for the last Extra Cheezy Saturday before Christmas, just what kinda world are we living in?...

Happy Most Wonderfully Extra Cheezy Saturday of the Year!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2012:

Guy group hit town, for Yule, to, in chill, sing--

played horned-up game also dubbed, "caroling"!

Boinked "Carols" in name

'cept Marc, whose own game

was more in line with the term, "Darrelling"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2012:

Okay, so while we know there's a little more to the story... Well, in the wake of yet another human loser cliche, enacted by a certain dweeb in Newtown, Conn. (you may have heard a thing or two about this story in Big Media lately)... Well, record gun sales.

Thus, analyzing cause-and-effect here, we...while, you know, trying to keep in the Spirit of the Season... Well, the best we can do is remain festively frightened...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/23/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Unwatched Laurel and Hardy

I grew up in a family that found comedy and laughter to be a key part of life. I have to attribute my adult profession of "humorist" (among many others) to that fact, at least partially.

Thus my parents enjoyed, and introducing my sister and I to enjoying, various favorites, from the "Pink Panther" movies to Bob Newhart albums. And my parents' absolute faves?

Laurel and Hardy.

Call me biased due to this upbringing, but I consider Laurel and Hardy perhaps the finest comedians of all time--certainly the greatest comedy duo (and there aren't any real modern duos anymore). On one hand, I'll admit they were lucky according to History's timing--as film emerged, especially talkies, their already honed Vaudeville stylings translated well to Silver Screen and they hit the ol' "right place, right time."

But I also gotta give them credit as full-on comedic geniuses, in physical comedy and more. Sure, it's subjective, but like many I feel they strike a perfect balance between the blatant physical antics of the Three Stooges and the cerebral stuff ala the Marx Brothers.

When I was a wee, mom and pop would bring home Laurel and Hardy for the film projector, courtesy of our local library. Today that means DVDs--and that's convenient for my birthday and Christmas gifting needs, as dad can be a bit of a tough gift otherwise. (While mom enjoyed Laurel and Hardy just as much, dad was nonetheless perceived as the Main Fan, and comedy flicks don't cry out, "Mother Gift," so the DVDs are Dad Gift Territory.)

Admittedly, the parental movie collection's been slow on the uptake, as far as adding new offerings. And by "new" I mean both modern and new-to-the-collection. So visiting the Ps has entailed sometimes watching some of the same DVDs over and over... But it is nonetheless a cherished family ritual for us. I visit and, after dinner, we enjoy some classic comedy.

Our ritual is always more exciting around my dad's birthday, as new offerings emerge--and 90 percent of the time, those offerings are of the Laurel and Hardy variety.

(We long ago reached a point whereby it's rough buying DVDs that are new to us--with Laurel and Hardy's catalog mostly shorts, DVDs come with multiple, usually four, features, so checking off additions to a printed list of their entire workload often means accumulating doubles--and triples--of various flicks. So while we're close, there are still quite a few to add, although we admittedly have the vast majority of the "best" ones, and have for some time.)

So this year, for my dad's October birthday, sometime after the fact (as soon as I was able to arrange a visit of a few days), we naturally had some new (to us) Laurel and Hardy shorts to enjoy. However, my mother was hospitalized for a surgery and such, so we put off viewing dad's gift a while so that we all could experience it, first-time, together.

Mom came home from the hospital, but before I could arrange the next visit, after a couple weeks home, she again took ill.

This time, it was far more serious. A massive heart attack. There was hope, but there was also uncertainty as to whether or not she'd survive. What was known was that she'd be hospitalized for some time, weeks at least, and that she'd require rehab time even with the best of circumstances... So, while it was far from the first concern on our minds, an unspoken agreement between Dad and I meant the Laurel and Hardy would wait.

I began visiting my parents, Dad at home and Mom in hospital, more frequently. Almost weekly, in fact. According to ritual, after dinner, Dad and I would watch...TV.

After a few nights, that "new" Laurel and Hardy seemed to call out to me...but I didn't voice the idea of watching it without Mom.

Eventually, Dad suggested we watch it.

So we did.

While I can't deny that I felt a bit guilty, watching without mom, I certainly enjoyed the hell out of it. Probably helped take our minds off Life's Big Negative at the time, too.

While silly and superstitious, I couldn't help wondering what this all "meant." Was it a bad "sign"--giving up? Was it one of hope--returning to normal, as Mom will soon?

Well, Mom's was a long, extended ordeal, with ups and downs, hopes alternating with bummers in the changing prognosis but... Mom passed away December 1.

While I personally believe in some form of afterlife... That aside, a form of "secular afterlife" undoubtedly exists. Lessons from Mom are passed down by my sister to my nephews, to any children I may yet sire, even to friends and such who experience me in their lives and, through me, Mom as well.

A century from now, I envision my great-great grandchildren sitting down with the family for some laughs, courtesy of Laurel and Hardy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2012:

It's Christmas Eve! So, while you're sleepin'--

if on "Good" List Santa's been keepin'--

he'll bring gifts down chimney!

But "Naughty" chicks can see

a firm Christmas Eve "chimney sweepin'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2012:

Merry Extra Cheezy Christmas Eve!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2012:

To all--Merry Christmas! Have fun!

'Spite stress--soon New Year'll be begun!

While, 'pon introspection,

there are some exceptions...

May God Bless Us, (most) Everyone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2012:

From all of us at Daily Limerick, to all of you a Very Merry (Yet Extra Cheezy) Christmas!

As the Limerick says... God Bless Us, Every One!...

(With the possible exception of the Preying Tax Mantis, Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinckle)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2012:

Make laws to stop shoot-ups, crowd's shouted!

New gov. panel, Lieberman's touted!

Think nuts can be "solved"?

Get Congress involved--

to bicker and do shit about it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2012:

Our traditional entry for December 26th is simply, "Sigh."

But in trying to look on the Bright Side of things... Well, at least we're done forcing freakin' Christmas Limericks for another year... Sheesh--thirteen plus years of December dirty rhymes around elves and laps and snowmen and what-not...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2012:

Yule game--who'll call/mail/e- the next wish,

"Good tidings"? "This is Your Life" checklist

says though folks abbreviate

standard way, Christmas date--

seems to me, ought to be, "Ex-Mas"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2012:

Whoops!... Generally, we set out a news (or "new") topic first, with accompanying witticism (or "witticism"), then, in accompanying days, utilized said topic for a day's Limerick.

And... Well, we fucked-up. Someone wrote today's Limerick on today's S&Y topic and... Could fix it, but... Well, let's just say that the Mayan disaster prediction was, indeed, correct--it just solely applied to our Chief Limericist's personal life.

So without further ado, here's the now-worthless topic for today...

Judging by my own Holiday Grind (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), with folks from various periods of my life touching base through the Season, I see why some abbreviate the holiday as "XMas"... Although, really, "Ex-Mas" would seem to be more proper...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2012:

School shoot-ups? One sure antidote is--

Press stop blath'ring what name of choate is

and lame-brained obsessing--

like all day long guessing

what's, for crime dubbed "senseless," the...motive?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2012:

Time for our Annual Reminder, of sorts, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Don't despair! Just yet, anyway... While Christmas is over, New Year's is still to come, meaning that we're actual within... The Holiday Taint!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2012:

Pizza parlor babes! Burl did hover

'round--dreaming of each 'neath the covers!

Sly flirts always dropping

in chats 'bout fave toppings--

found Iris' fave was "meat lovers"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2012:

Happy Last Extra Cheezy Saturday of 2012!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2012:

This time of year brings blah-filled days;

a wallow--post-Christmas malaise.

But 'least done with gim'rick

of all-Christmas Limericks!

Damn tough--filth 'bout elves, laps and sleighs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2012:

The other day, I (Chief Limericist, here) misread the word, "biography" as, "blography."

And, oh yes, that word's coming. You'll learn to be sick of it. Start your cringing early...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/30/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The First Christmas Without Ma

This year was...THAT Christmas. As Jan. 3 will be THAT Mom's Birthday. And Valentine's Day will be the first one Mom doesn't send my sister and I frozen, heart-shaped pizza from Lou Malnatti's, as was her ritual. And 2013 will bring the First Easter that... Yeah.

The maelstrom of emotions over this Christmas First brought two opposite moods. At times, Christmas Eve and Christmas, stationed in my childhood home and bedroom, brought me back to childhood.

At other times, this personally retro Christmas setting firmly tossed me into the reality of adulthood--first Christmas without ma...so get used to it; this is how it now will be, from here on out, pal.

Thus, I woke up at 6:30 a.m. Christmas morn to find...that the presents weren't beneath the tree, but instead would wait until we visited my sister for Christmas dinner.

I also realized, earlier, as the general Season unwound, that I no longer had anyone to buy me clothes. I'm personally not big on it, but do like receiving them, and having an up-to-date wardrobe is also important for the ladies, for what that's complicatedly worth... So appropriate, really, because... What do they always dub the ideal purpose of gifts? Buying somebody something they'll like and/or need but wouldn't buy for themselves.

Near-supernaturally, my mom DID end up buying me one more round of Christmas clothing. Stuff my dad found stashed away, as my he was largely kept out of the loop for the whole gifting process, which my mom began many months ahead of the Holiday.

Notheless, the future of That Clothes Thing opens a whole can of issues, personally and... Well, that's a Sunday Story Time in itself, perhaps a series of them--as well as an opportunity for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to play Freud.

And yet I did--I DID--have the Scrooge-like, Christmas Eve Awakening I had craved.

Most know me as a skeptic. But I was indeed visited by Three Ghosts.

One was exceptionally pretty...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2012:

It's once more December Three-One Day!

For most it's an unbridled fun day!

Or as it is known

t'those in Turmoil Zone

who near forgot... Well, it's called, "Monday!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy New Year's Eve!...

 

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