Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!



Life's stress--Holidays bring reprieve!

A time, in Magic, to believe!

Heed Peace on Earth's call!

And, to one and all,

the Merriest...Groundhog Day Eve!



Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are probably aware of the practice of tugging on the wishbone from a chicken.

Whoever gets the larger piece gets a wish.

It's probably more common where kids are involved. And I remember once at my grandmother's, preparing to do the Wishbone Thing only to find...the bone was already broken.

"The chicken made a wish!" I said.

"Yeah, he probably wished he wouldn't end up on the table," my grandma, aka Nanny, said.

He hee.

Guess you had to be there.

Probably would also help if you were not only there, but twelve as well...



Day for Groundhog to do his Thing!

Historic forecaster of spring!

Though myth, seems to me

he sure seems to be

quite boggled by global warming!



From all of us, to all of you, a very Merry Groundhog Day!...



Once, with chicken as a main dish,

played Wishbone Pull--perk with delish!--

to win good luck token

but...already broken!

Guess chicken made own fruitless wish!



Slapper Yapper Grashoppers might not know that I, Chief Limericist (checked-in here), am a big player on the X Games scene.

See, I maintain contact and some for of friendship with both my X-wife and my X-fiance, not to mention a plain old X-girlfriend or two.

What, you really expected me in the old half-pipe or whatever?

Let's not even broach the topic of late-night XXX Games...



While man sat and watched The Three Stooges

his nympho wife craved some thing huge--his!

He said to the missus,

"Pick two...orifices!"

Was then entertained by Three Spooges!



Just realized... You can't spell "Valentine's" without... "Vaseline"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Valentine's Month Saturday!...



Though I'm not the type to name names

my life still includes former flames.

Won't find me cavorting

skate parks or snowboarding--

but I'm major play'r at Ex- Games!



Read some financial advice in the newspaper the other day, courtesy of some "expert."

One thing to do if you're having trouble with the ol' budget?

Get a second job.


Really. It seems everywhere you go, you can't take a wrong turn without bein' offered one of those plentiful job things...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Responsibility as a Wonka Figure

I have yet to raise children of my own, although I've been both married and engaged, with children as one goal of the endeavors. Despite the myriad complications, for which I won't go into details here, I'm still set on raising children of my own, even if that entails the 70-years-old and a trophy-wife maneuver.

My younger sister not only married before I, but started up the old kid wagon as well, so now I have two nephews, age 10 and 12. Thus I see them frequently, have babysat for them and all that jazz. While they're not, of course, my parental responsibility, it does lead one to consider the angle of living as a role model and/or a subset of father figure.

Now, I've sorta, kinda played a vague father figure role over time. Younger friends, budding writers (when there was such thing as a "journalism career"), stuff like that. But for kids, it's a whole different animal.

But as an uncle, rather than a father it's... I ain't attempting to manage a metaphor for it--an uncle plays a different role than does a father.

A MAD Magazine feature years back addressed the question, "Why Uncles are Better than Fathers." It was, of course, from a child's (mostly a boy's) perspective, all hitting around the idea that uncles don't have nearly as much responsibility in the child-rearing equation, aren't as affected by issues of discipline and behavior and, thus, are all about fun.

I think I've done a pretty good job of that with my nephews. They're getting toward the age where they often prefer hijinx with other kids at the family get-togethers, but they still often corner Uncle John for some Wii, computer, football-in-the-yard, DVD and other types of fun.

Usually, right after I enter my sister's home, one nephew or the other, sometimes both, try to drag me off. Thus once my sister told them, "I want to talk to Uncle John, too, and he probably wants to relax a bit first. He's not your play toy!"

Hence, one of my newer nicknames, "Uncle Play Toy." Which I indulge, through the occasional nephew e-mail responses, by calling myself. And I'm always ready to run off and play, even if I haven't yet caught up with Sis.

As an artsy-fart and, thus, one who's often too broke to pay attention, I've engaged in some creative gift-giving for the nephews' birthdays and holidays. They, of course, have priority. I can get mom, say, a nice and...er, economically feasible candle for Christmas, but the boys have to get a Wii game or comic books or something.

They have also received stuff like kids poems with drawings. For one of the nephews' birthdays late last year, I tossed out the "visit to Uncle John's place in the city" gift.

My older nephew... I'll call him Pipeye, after one of Popeye's, and the other Peepeye... (Ain't throwin' any info out on the boys that could lead to any trouble!) Pipeye's a lot like I was as a child. Creative, always drawing and writing stories and stuff, into older movies and shows, even bitten by the Laurel and Hardy bug my parents infested me with... He's into things like history and culture, thus always asking me about various ethnic neighborhoods in Chicago.

So, I thought the Uncle John Visit gift out there, then, of course, had to consult with Sis. Pipeye wanted to see Chinatown, a Polish neighborhood, etc., so I said we could start with that. Could make it a whole family city trip, could take one or both boys overnight... It was decided that both of them would be too much trouble--boys fight, of course--and Pipeye would go first, being older and having a clear idea of what he wanted to do.

Peepeye still has his Uncle John Visit coming. But Pipeye came down for a day.

Me being a car-less urbanite, his dad drove him down after school on a Friday, stayed for a bit to wait out the worst of rush hour, then left him with me. We hit Chinatown for dinner, looked around a bit--Gateway Arch, etc.--but it was January cold, so made that brief. Had a fun time joking about a crabby waitress and the fact that... Well, I went to dinner with a 12-year-old and, of course, one dinner plate hit the floor face-down.

It was my plate, though.

The city's easy to navigate via buses and trains. Probably easier than driving, most areas. So we headed home after Chinese, watched some video cassettes of the old "Muppet Show" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles."

The trains to the suburbs aren't super-frequent on Saturdays, but we took one back near his house early afternoon. I stayed four hours for Peepeye's birthday party, then came back again on the Weekend Pass. Got home about 11 p.m.; had to wake early Sunday for play rehearsal.

So we didn't have a lot of city time Saturday, making a trip to a Polish neighborhood rough (us both having Polish blood), with them all being in far Northwest reaches of Chicago now. (He refers to things ala, "How close are you to the Swedish Village?" as if all of these neighborhoods are old-school and pure, as opposed to mixed-race, as most Chicago neighborhoods are these days.) But I did locate a mini-Polish neighborhood near a train stop, so after some morning silliness, we headed out early.

Shared a teeming platter of Polish specialties, plus drinks and sides and a basket of fresh bread, all for a little over $10! Grabbed some authentic paczki (essentially giant donuts) from a Polock bakery next to the diner, then hit the train stop. Pipeye didn't get as much sleep as he should've, so engaged in some slap-happy mischief on the train--running up and down the aisle, etc.--and raided some paczki early. (I was intending to bring the entire half-dozen for the party, but arrived bearing only four, which we cut into halves.)

That weekend, I had more fun than... Frankly, more fun than I've had in perhaps years. Oh, I did the Responsible Thing well. Pipeye got to bed early-ish, had some breakfast-lunch, brushed his teeth, took his pill, etc. I missed an obscene clown drawing on my wall during kid-proofing, but...no biggie. I'm sure he's already seen worse.

It was only overnight, sure. But I think I did an admirable job as a father figure.

More importantly, though, Pipeye is still talking and e-mailing about it. He'll remember it all his life. And Peepeye's itchin' for his Uncle John Trip.

Thus I'm only strengthening my cred as an-all important Wonka Figure...



Read "expert," on those with tight purse...

Advice for when budget's been burst?

Why, get SECOND job!

And many a slob

will do--once they can land a FIRST!



A study published last week in the journal Nature describes sugar as "addictive."

Health Nazi...er, researcher Robert Lustig goes so far as to claim sugar usage requires a "public health intervention" at "government level."

Hmmm. An issue of personal responsibility...the Healthy Elite's panties in a bunch over the choices of others... Aha!

THIS looks like a job for... Secondhand Science!...



Had Team's-Not-In-Super Bowl Blues!

Root for?... Well, 'gainst's easy to choose!

Tom Brady, love hatin' 'em!

Belichick? Satan's son!

Super to see the Pats lose!



So, those Super Bowl halftime shows are good for something, after all.

A reminder that Madonna was really... Well, never all that great to begin with, even in her long-ago prime...



Super Sunday--Mainstream act tamed!

Call me odd--tune in for...the GAME!

Relearned--thanks, half-time--

that even in prime

Madonna's always been...well, lame.



It's a strange, cosmological coincidence when, on a Wednesday, our day for food-related content, Daily Limerick grieves the death of a legend--Nello Ferrara.

Chairman of the Ferrara Pan candy company. Lemonheads, Atomic FireBalls, Boston Baked Beans...and so much more.

We're far from the only ones grieving. It's us along with the entire International Snacking Community...



Seems strange, frequent PSA pleas--

"Volunteer Abroad"... Sure. Let's see...

"Real" housewife? Pelosi...

Out U.S.? Like most see...

Oh! Take a Kardashian! PLEASE!



So, let's see... The seeming GOP frontrunner is Mitt Romney, who is... Let's just say John Kerry. Michael Dukakis. Dan Quayle. You get the picture.

But Romney's been given a serious run for his money by...Newt Gingrich? A guy that'd be lucky to get three votes from moderate/independent voters?

And now, winning primaries in a handful of small states at once... Rick Santorum?

Now, this sort of thing has been known to happen in sports. And I don't understand what the motive would be but... Is it time for an investigation into the GOP for...throwing the 2012 Presidential election?...



Seemed Milquetoast Mitt'd captained Nom Boat...

First Newt's, now...Santorum's still floats?

Just why?... I won't speculate,

but must investigate--

GOP throwing Pres. vote?



Now, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure charity is foremost an anti-breast cancer entity. But, as such, it also plays a role as a major advocate for women's issues in general. As with most such organizations, reproductive rights, including abortion, are thus on the organization's activist plate as well.

So Komen went and hired an executive by the name of Karen Handel, although Handel is anti-abortion--and rather public about it, having run for Georgia Governor on a "Pro-Life" platform.

So once Handle was hired, rather predictably, Komen funding to Planned Parenthood was cut. And, also rather predictably, activists cried foul, Handel resigned, hubbub ensued.

Now organizations like these, with massive budgets, don't make decisions like, say, hiring Handel without hiring those lucky "consultants," who often make millions of dollars for this consulting racket.

Obviously, a ball was dropped somewhere.

Enter Daily Limerick's Services.

Hire us as consultants and we'd tell you flat-out--"Don't hire Handel. Knuckleheads."

Case solved. And we'll work for half the normal consultant's fee!

Or, optionally, you could just ask ANY FREAKING PERSON WALKING DOWN THE STREET for FREE...



Chantel flirts with Jeff...then turns fickle.

So he broke the ice with a tickle!

Full-on--used a feather!

Soon felt touch near nether

zone... Less feather and more like...pickle!



You do realize, of course, Slapper Yapper Grasshopers, that you can't spell "potential" without "pot."

Probably just a coincidence...



With wordplay, you can find strange inference!

Thus, risking my own seeming insolence--

you can't spell "potential"

without "pot," typed, penciled...

Well, maybe that's just a coincidence...



Okay, so life's troubles are really, really getting to you, kicking you in the nuts and knocking you to yet another bottom, just when you thought you'd ALREADY hit rock bottom, so you seek out a hip method of letting off steam and...what do you choose?

Or should I say, WHERE do you choose? (Chief Limericist checking-in, here.)

McDonald's? Eh...doesn't have the right ring to it. Likewise, Burger King... Long John Silver's isn't bad, but there aren't a lot around now; not big in the public discourse... Taco Bell? Hmmm...close... Hardee's?... Gettin' there, but not omnipresent, nationwide... Aha!

Yes! If I were a few notches nuttier, and receiving a few more of Life's Smacks to the Taint I'd choose...Arby's.

Yup. I'd shoot up an Arby's...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Just Say the Words...

Back in grade school, my classmates would change positions regularly on whether the rock band Kiss was cool or uncool.

Most of the Cool Meter readings stemmed from kids with older siblings. I imagine that Kiss burst onto the scene as cool but, like everything pop cultural, soon suffered from the overexposure backlash. We pups thus mirrored the teenagers' Cool Meter via the world of older brothers and sisters.

Left to our own devices, how could we even imagine Kiss to be uncool? Makeup, noisy, parent-disturbing guitars, pyrotechnics and spitting blood and... Cool!

Regarding rumors on the origin of the band's name, I'm less certain of sources.

I was told, as a grade-schooler, by a classmate, that Kiss stood for "Kings in Satan's Service."

At the time, I didn't believe it. Then again, I didn't completely disbelieve it. Sounded possible, if unlikely.

Now... Well, obviously it was made up by a kid. Or perhaps a religious kook. Mentally speaking, potato, po-tah-to. You can say a lot of negative things about the band, but they sang about chicks and rock and roll. Unlike other contemporaries who dwelt in more...mystical topics.

Yet once the idea was thrown onto the kid cultural map, it was a valid theory.

Once, in class, I colored all of my fingernails with a pencil.

Not sure why in the hell I did that...it's possible it ties into the Kiss thing. Some of those members painted their nails, black, I think.

Anyway, some other kid told me that I was going to get lead poisoning. And that one sign of lead poisoning was little yellow marks on the living part of the fingernails.

Never mind that pencils haven't had real lead in them for ages. Nor that, were something children used every single day in class that dangerous in any form, we'd constantly be instructed, say, to never color our fingernails with pencils.

At the time, I'd never noticed, nor looked for, white flecks on my fingernails. But faced with the lead poisoning threat, I inspected them.

Sure enough. White flecks on the living portions of my fingernails!

Still get those flecks, from time to time, today. Probably got 'em before then, too, and just never noticed.

But in the world of kids' science, if you can call it "science," all one needs to do is SAY something and it's valid.

Like... Supposedly if you saw a pic of a kid with bow and arrow on a Tootsie Pop wrapper, amid all the other sporting kid pics, you'd win...some prize. A million bucks or something.

Oh, I could go on. And on.

Just say it and it's valid.

Strangely like partisan bloggers, actually...



Sunday, I awoke to a gut hit--

no more football games... What a nut-kick!

Now Sundays... Awards

shows? Stars--ego whores?...

Won't even watch. Sorry, don't cut it...



Attention, anybody at ABC...or any of the other networks. (We're not sure how they acted regarding the situation.)

Anyway, was watching the Charlie Brown Valentine's dilly Saturday evening...and it was interrupted with "breaking news."

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

First thought was... Terrorist attack? President shot?

Honestly, my first thought was, "Bastards! Disturbing my Chuck fix?" But, in any event... Ahem.

"Breaking news" turned out to be... Whitney Houston dead.

Now, I could mention that... Well, Whitney hasn't had a hit in, what, a decade?... But there's no reason to go there. (Although I guess I just did.)

Point is... I don't care if it's somebody who IS currently big. Bieber or what have you. In fact, I don't care if it were Paul or Ringo... It's not the president. It's not a terror attack. Thus, no disturbing my Peanuts!

Talk about "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"... Although that's not really a proper metaphor... "The News that Cried... So what?"...



It's Valentine's Day--and it means

diff'rent things to all, cursed or keen!

But one thing's assured

you can't spell the word,

"Valentine's" without "Vaseline"!



Happy Extra Cheezy!... Now, hold on a minute.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Gotta say, I'm not exactly stoked for Valentine's Day this year.

Guess I'm over the old fiance-dumping-you-without-notice trick that foiled me over the summer but... Dare I say, "Humbug?"

Aww, what the hell? I'm known in some circles (or is that "circle jerks"?) as the hopeless optimist so, what the hell?... Happy Extra Cheezy Valentine's Day!...



V. Day Charlie Brown show! Kicked-back...

Spoiled! Breaking news! What? Top pol whacked?...

No! Death... Whitney? Boo-hoo, but

need, to mar MY "Peanuts,"

shot Pres. or terror attack!



Recently, I was preparing a leftover slice of pizza for the fridge by wrapping it in cellophane when it struck me... Why?

It's one thing to wrap, say, a pie you're going to keep on the counter. Dust in the air, animal hair, etc.

But a refrigerator is an enclosed space.

Could it be an elaborate conspiracy from the plastic wrap/tin foil industry--AKA Big Wrap?...



If much more nuts and bit more starvy

I'd blow-off steam, way hip and marvy...

McD's?... Too big. Goldilocks-

like! Hardee's? Too out-box...

Just right--I'd shoot-up an Arby's!



As a Chicago resident (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), I don't do a lot of the touristy things the city has to offer. So I'm not sure if I've even ever been to Chicago's McCormick Place, the big, honkin' convention center. Think I'd been there before, many moons ago... In any event, went this week.

Friend drove in from the ex-burbs, asked if I wanted to meet his group there Monday. So I did.

Hot chick after hot chick was on display. Hubbala bubbala boomski, my friends! They were standing up on platforms and well-lit and... Did I mention the hubbala bubbala boomski factor?

Now, I can't say I'm going to make this event next year, but now, knowing what's involved...I'll keep it in mind.

Read, after the fact, that they were actually billing this as, "The Chicago Auto Show." And...well, yes, I do recall so new auto models on display, sometimes getting in the way of the hot chicks, but I can overlook that...



So Komen, big world Women's Voice,

hired big exec...less than pro-choice

'spite millions--consultants!--

I'd seer mess resultin'--

"consult" for mere half-mill invoice!



Much hubbub is being made over pop annoyance Adele's "mystery date" at the music industry infomercial known as The Grammys, who turns out to be "former financier" Simon Konecki.

Curiously enough, Adele's lately been in the news for denouncing "body image discrimination," likely stemming from the fact that Adele herself is... Well, we think the technical term is, "a fatty."

So, guys shouldn't go for women based on looks, but women going for cashola are... Just coincidence en route to true love.

What's good for the goose is...paid for by the gander...



Rock climbing with Kimberly, Ace

snuck-in sloppy kiss at cliff's base.

Kim balked, then gave-in,

and soon she was pinned--

between a hard and a rock place!



Now, bear with us here.

We're not huge fans of social networking. Thus, not big practitioners of online dating, in fact we're rather anti-online dating, although... Let's just say a good friend of our Chief Limericist has sorta, kinda half-assed dabble in online/social networking flirtation.

So... Question is, not that we expect you useless Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to chime-in finally, but... Let's say someone "friends" a guy through one of these dillies, the guy kinda had a crush on this wannabe "friend" and... Well, is it true that LinkedIn is about the worst possible choice to do such a thing on?...

Happy Extra Sleazy Saturday!...

Er, make that our traditional Happy Extra CHEEZY Saturday...

We think...



To convention center did go...

Hot chicks displayed! Stages! Lights! Whoah!

What gives? How bizarre!

Just dug... Solely marred

by pesky background "Auto Show"!



Pondering the financial mess we're still in, slowly recovering from, but in danger of returning to on many fronts, it occurred to us, out of nowhere... Do we really NEED banks anymore?

Okay, so the lending of money and such--that end of things gets complicated. Somebody, somewhere needs the money upfront to form loan sums for huge ticket items like, say, mortgages... We suppose. Then again, isn't the dough really illusory? It's not like the trillions of dollars in our economy are all sitting there physically, needing to be guarded by bank vaults and such. There's no actual cash anybody's using, right? Just a number sitting around gaining interest for an entity... Anyway, let's set that aside.

Regarding checking accounts and the like for individuals, however, why can't individuals just have their own accounts without evil banks having to be involved? With computers and everything, everyone would have their own account on a server, represented in the physical world with a debit card thingie and... Why, why, WHY do we need the banks?

Suppose it's a little scary, the power and responsibility we're putting into computers. And there are issues around the fact that government and creditors can be wrong, and everybody with a personal non-bank account would be sitting ducks for fund seizure with such a system...but we could tinker with the details.

Just throwin' it out there.

"Too big to fail"?

How 'bout, "Too big to exist"?...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time is Taking the Week Off...

...Gotta admit, though, that's it's been a while...



Facebook friend Aaron Freeman...or is that "friend"? (confused as to who among that bunch I've actually met, although he sounds familiar to me)... Anyway, he checks in with this--

> John I cannot believe that I woke up last night next to this fatty...

And then he includes a link to an app--

> http://apps.facebook.com/256849757724507/pfapezph

Although the comment was logged regarding my post of a Limerick about shooting up an Arby's (a joke), it also came on the same day as an S&Y comment about Adele whining about "body image" discrimination despite her Grammys date being a "former financier," thus full-on stoking "wallet image" discrimination and... What the hell were we talking about?

Oh, that's right, we called Adele "a fatty" over all of this and... Check out the app, I guess. Maybe it helps you survive waking-up next to an Adele-esque chick...



Still old-school on 'Net dating--sin

of desperation. But women

that I've met in real world,

I'll cop, e-flirts unfurled...

Though green, think best site's not LinkedIn...



Happy Extra Cheezy Presidents Day!...

(Yeah, it doesn't mean much to us, but let us pretend we're federal workers and/or school kids for a change)...



It's Mardi Gras! Ladies, the game?

Show flesh to earn beads! Lose that "shame"!

Come all to my place

for full-on showcase

'cause I've got "Bied-" right in my name!



Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

Or Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday or whatever you call it...



Ash Wednesday--live sober, post-crash

from Fat Tuesday's/Mardi Gras' bash...

To grind, back in touch!

If it proves too much--

take break...with a nice piece of ash!



Judging from local reaction, we're not sure how many Americans really celebrate the whole Lent-to-Easter thing, like today's Ash Wednesday, but... Seems a whole lot of Americans mark Fat Tuesday... Not to mention Fat Wednesday-through-Monday as well...



Was Mardi Gras! Well, so did news say.

Most U.S., mark Lent? Seems folks choose, "nay."

Outside New Orleans

fests largely unseen--

though year 'round, most sure mark FAT Tuesday!



In reading about a soon-to-open Chicago exhibit on Genghis Khan, we learned that ol' GK fathered so many children that .5 percent of the world's male population has GK DNA.

Thus, not a big birth control guy.

Asian religion aside, guess he has all the important cred to be a "real Christian" in the eyes of Rick Santorum...



Tech Age--pers'nal cards for debits

so... Still NEED banks--and their Iron Fist?

For loans, sure, but... Must bail-out?

Too big to fail? How 'bout

THAT big? Too big to EXIST!



Word on the street--Hollywood Gossip Street, that is--is that Chris Brown and Rihanna, after recording some tunes together, are once again an item.

Well, it's been a long wait, but crowning the "New O.J." appears just around the corner...



Man picked-up a chick at a Sizzler

who blew him while sucking some Twizzlers

'hind the salad bar!

He shot-off quite far

with strange red-white, cherry-hit jizzler!



Who else out there is sickened by health insurance provider commercials?

Their touchy-feely, hip-music-utilizing, family-scene-showing pap, pretending that their main reason for existence is actually people's health--while they're more than willing to tell you that your life-saving, anti-cancer drugs have been "denied payment"?

They've got us all by the taint--why not just lay low? Pocket that advertising money rather than draw attention to their evil?

Funny that the guy's anti-health insurance reform, 'cause if Rick Santorum would've pointed to THAT industry amid his wide-eyed, froth-mouthed rants about Satan attacking America, we might've seriously considered his words...well, HALF-seriously considered them...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...



Rihanna-Chris Brown re-do! Okay...

Guess long unfilled, overdue role's played

on pop culture scene.

Near two decades been--

now Chris Brown fills void as "New O.J."!



Read about the president of some suburban youth baseball league using the N-Word on his Facebook page, describing his annoyance at all the Whitney Houston hubbub, which was in turn reposted and, yadda yadda blah blah, now his career's down the shitter, this type of thing unfortunately happens all the time (so no link, bastards)... Now HE has the nerve to complain about his life being ruined. He "didn't mean to use it," "didn't realize he used it."

Of course, his boneheaded "defense" just further implicates him. Didn't REALIZE he used it? What, it's so ingrained in his vocab that it just comes out, willy-nilly, without thinking about it?

That aside... Well, the N-Word's been in the Chicago local press lately, due to a white teacher trying to discuss its history and such and... We got to thinkin'. About these folks whites complain that, "Well, black people use it all the time, so how can they expect US not to use it?"

That argument.

There are other words that aren't supposed to be used in public forums. And, at this point, ANYTHING you say in any way shape or form online is now public, like it or not.

How come we don't hear people bitchin', "How come I can't use the F-Word at work? Standup comics get to use it ALL THE TIME when they're working!"...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Life's Grand Send-Offs

It always gets me when I learn of someone seeking "closure" to a relationship or what-have-you.

The idea, I guess, is that a chapter of your life is ending, so in order to facilitate ending it and starting a new chapter with a blank page, the opinions of both parties on the matter need be exchanged, farewell speeches given, a form of Cliff's Notes needs assembling--what was learned, what was good, what was bad, why it failed--etc.

The problem with this attitude, and the reason I avoid "closure sessions" like rectal exams, is that Life doesn't compose our experiences according to convenient chapters. It's not as if one day two people are sharing a wonderful relationship and, at the stroke of midnight, it becomes a failed relationship.

Problems arise, people change, new people are met, new life goals realized, blah blah, yadda yadda--over weeks, months, years. Sure, there are always exceptions. Sometimes, a person in a relationship is swept off his/her feet at a party and WHAM--it's over. Sometimes communication is lousy and one relationship participant is hit one day, out of nowhere, with a breakup and all the reasons for it at once, so it SEEMS to have happened all at once. Many times a breakup SEEMS to come out of nowhere, thanks to denial and other factors, but then makes perfect sense in retrospect, as the dumpee reconstructs past events during the grieving process... Anyway.

The point I'm making here isn't about relationships and breakups, although they're part of it. It's about... Let's take a recent example from my life.

Since 1994, I've been hosting/emceeing a series of live music and variety shows, running silly game shows in the breaks between bands, etc. They've paid some money, dependent on audience turnout, etc., but I really started doing them as a way of keeping my performance chops in order and...honestly, having a life. Getting out of the house more. Keeping hip by working with new, local bands.

The shows have dwindled to one or two a month over the past couple of years, but at one point, we'd do 6-8 of them some months. (When I say "we," I refer to my partner, the producer of the shows, who videotapes them for excerpting on a cable-access show, plus a slew of bands, solo performers, comedians and other performers.) I've prattled on about these shows in DL over the years, Sunday Story Time and elsewhere... Point is, they've been a solid, regular part of my life for almost eight years.

Late last month, I began a dinner theater gig that would have me acting, and paid well for it, Friday through Sunday on a weekly basis. Actually, the theater show was scheduled to start back in October 2011 and was pushed back a few times, so I'd been informing my variety show producer friend for some time that, "Hey--I'm not going to be able to do these shows regularly real soon."

So it boiled down to a Friday night show, third Friday of January, as my Swan Song. Now, I didn't trumpet the hell out of this fact. Mentioned the "Farewell Show" angle in some of my e-mailings, Web posts and such. Mentioned it to some friends casually. But... Otherwise, there was nothing "special" about the show communicated to anyone involved. No Super Roster of bands. In fact, my partner in the endeavor didn't end up making the show. (With involvement in his own band, plus his own personal health problems, and other factors, many shows over the last couple of years entailed him just letting me run the whole thing.)

This "Farewell Show" saw lackluster attendance. One friend of mind did attend and we went out for pizza slices afterward but... It was mostly a letdown. Or would be, as I've lived and learned enough to expect such a send-off but... Okay, it was a letdown anyway.

Turns out it wasn't a "Farewell Show" after all. Or might not be one because... Suffice it to say the whole dinner theater gig hit a major snag. Let's leave it at that, and a possible future SST... So.

The time for celebrating my variety show emceeing, in a "Farewell Show" kinda way, was probably... Three years ago? When things were at their peak for them? Of course, I couldn't have KNOWN that three years ago, just as I couldn't have known that the ideal time to celebrate all the fun and camaraderie and shared experience of the dinner theater troupe was... Well, sometime long before it came to an official end.

When I was sitting at the bar for that "final" emceeing gig, feeling a bit lonely and let down, I flashed back to my last day of class at my grade school. I remember walking across the grassy field, past the kids' baseball diamond, on my way home, as I'd done every school day for eight years, thinking, "This is the last time I'll ever leave this school and walk this path home."

It seemed like there should've been some sort of fanfare. Some sort of...something.

But Life doesn't work that way.

Now would normally be the time to muse about "living in the moment," or how you "don't know what you have until it's gone" but... That's been done to death.

So as I sit, here, admittedly a bit misty in pondering this topic, I'm reaching for an appropriate closing sentence on this essay and... Guess I'll just leave it at that.

The way Life does it...



Read Genghis Khan's diddling has meant

his genes, world pop. now? Half percent!

'Spite killings, shunned birth control,

"real" Christian, as extolled

by Rick Santorum's faith bent!



So these new iPhone commercials... There was a time, you know, when Apple was the hip underdog, not the annoying, omnipresent, backlash inviting... Anyway.

So, all these things the new phones/Masters can do are, indeed, pretty cool. Highly useful, as well. But the one with the teenager who asks his phone to call him, "Rock God"?... Eesh.

Getting an ego-boost from a computerized, female voice continually flattering you (thanks to you telling it to do so)?

Just what demographic is Apple shooting for here? Are they getting in touch with their storied, geeky roots here...or is society going in a direction that... Yikes.

We're just creeped-out as all hell. And we don't creep easily.

Every time we see that commercial we... Well, either want to take a shower NOW...or look into wooded cabins in Montana without even electricity...



Med. insurance ads got me bugged--

all sap! Like they care! They'll pull rug

with smile, out from under you,

to save a buck or two

denying life-saving drugs!



News watching yesterday we found... We apparently missed some big televised ceremony Sunday.

Seems that a lot of people watched, even though it was irrelevant to the vast majority of the populace. Something about... That Grouch from Sesame Street, we think?...



Leap Day--AKA Sadie Hawkins

Day! Chicks make the passes and gawkin's!

Though thought brings me a tingle,

seems few chicks now single...

I'll stay home--far 'way from the stalkin's!



Happy Extra Cheezy Sadie Hawkins Day!...


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